Sex (1970) - full transcript
It's hard to say what's
more ridiculous,
to stand in front of a camera,
or behind it.
But since the non-cinematic
reality is no less ridiculous,
then the most elegant solution
would probably be to turn
everything into a film.
And to set the film on fire.
It isn't a sex film.
It is a film entitled "Sex".
Yes, I'm still looking
for the script.
Getting her pregnant,
signing her on a contract.
That's it...
A contract that has been
drawn up and signed in Tel Aviv
on the day ta-ta-tam
between ta-ta-tam
the undermentioned party
of the first part
and the ta-ta-ta-tam undermentioned
party of the second part.
Party of the second part...
Do you, David Avidan,
take these women to be your
lawful wedded wives?
No, thank you.
Spread your legs a bit.
The burden of proof
is on the prosecution.
You know, Avidan,
I'd really like to get married young.
With a nice, warm house,
and at least four kids.
I might actually marry you,
if you had some... means.
- I don't have much... means.
- Me neither.
Too bad. A marriage with you
would break me financially.
And break you personally.
Yes, that really wouldn't work.
Will you invite me
to your wedding?
Sure, why not.
Divorced from marriage,
but married to divorce.
Should the party of the
second part be interested in
having the party of the first
part's son and/or daughter...
And what if I'm pregnant?
Why would you be!
And should the party of the
second part have communicated
this desire to the party
of the first part...
If I'm having a baby,
it won't be yours.
And should the party of the
first part to express
a general consent to the party of the
second part's aforementioned desire...
And should the party of the first
part to express his general consent.
And should the party of the first
part to express his general consent.
And should the party of the
first part to express his consent.
And should the party of the
first part to express his consent.
And should the party of the
first part to express.
And should the party of the
first part to express.
And should the party of the
first part.
And should the party of the
first part.
And should the party.
And should the party.
And should the party.
Don't you want to
be a dad?
You really don't want
to be a dad?
The first thing that
calls me "dad",
I'm picking up a gun
and shooting it.
Dad!
In the matter of William Tell,
the apple is important too.
Ingredients:
A child-sized apple,
and an apple-sized child.
Usage instructions:
Head on top of head, according
to the aforementioned scale.
Side effects:
Fairy tales, more tragic
and less heroic.
Doctor's instructions:
The imagination of the apple's
heart is evil from its youth.
And he who spares his crossbow,
hates his son.
Thesis for discussion in
the event of deterioration:
The safety of the apple as the
existential challenge of the marksman,
contrasted with the safety
of the child
as the existential challenge
of the apple.
This film is open
to any kind of explosion.
Explosion of houses,
explosion of interpersonal
relationships,
and even the explosion of
film productions,
which are themselves open
to any kind of explosion.
They won't let you love
in this country.
They won't let you love
in this country.
- Want some?
- Yes.
- Let's go.
- Fine.
- Wait a minute.
- Okay.
They won't let you love
in this country!
Don't we know each other
from somewhere?
It's possible.
It's never too late.
Do you bathe often?
Do you bathe alone, usually?
Usually...
Isn't that boring?
It's very pleasant
when you're alone.
I think it's best to sleep
alone, but bathe with others.
Much better than sleeping
with others, but bathing alone.
The daring thesis that is
now seeing the light of day
for the first, and possibly
last, time.
The noble and discrete manner
of the impregnation
of the Virgin Mary probably
answers a need that is common
among not only all virgins,
but almost all women,
the longing to be
taken from the inside.
There's no need to be
a Christian, specifically,
to understand that only
the Holy Spirit
can answer this aching need.
Because this need is,
of course, mainly spiritual.
From the inside, secretly,
with minimal pain
and maximal divine protection.
And, no less importantly,
all at once.
But whenever Mary's unique
impregnation is mentioned,
often forgotten is her
direct, earthly and
frustrated victim:
her husband.
And even if the fact that
his name is Joseph is remembered,
his profession is,
for some reason, often ignored.
The carpenter,
the carpenter,
the carpenter constantly
in the background.
Without him, the building of the cross
could never be described.
As for Jesus,
son of Joseph,
he probably suffered from
what can be,
with some caution,
defined as a
reverse Oedipal comlex.
He was jealous of his mother
for the fact that the Holy Spirit
has visited her instead of him.
It is probable that
the persona of Jesus
was of a somewhat
homosexual nature.
Do you think that we
look sufficiently clean?
Do you feel that this situation
is a sexual one or a hygienic one?
It's a comfortable
and warm situation.
Okay, dear lady, this
has been interesting,
but beds and baths are things
one must at some point leave.
I always believed that I
possess a very photogenic penis.
Well, our new script-girl.
(French)
Very tasty,
if you ask me. (Russian)
Psychological situation: open.
(French)
Physiological situation: closed.
(French)
So, you pissed well,
my love? (French)
Urological situation: comfortable.
(French)
Heil Hitler!
Heil Hitler!
Heil!
Heil!
Heil!
Something new. Something brown.
(Polish)
Nothing new. And nothing brown.
(Polish)
And what are you doing here?
Ah!
I'm the one from the red joke!
Oh, my ex-wife.
I heard that she gave birth
to something.
Yours?
Obviously not yours.
- Male? Female?
- Female.
Mmm!
Okay, okay!
- Ex-wife?
- Ex-wife.
So, all your wives
are in fact your ex-wives?
Even my future wives
are my ex-wives.
So what if I'm a virgin?
If we're already talking
about virginity,
we should observe a virginity
in its natural size.
Even though virginity is
a fairly unnatural
phenomenon nowadays.
So what if I'm not a virgin?
In this movie, I'm not
taking my clothes off.
So how in your opinion am I
supposed to get you pregnant?
Pregnant?
No way!
- We're not in a relationship.
- But there is however a contract.
So how in your opinion am I
supposed to get you pregnant?
So how in your opinion...
So how in your opinion
am I supposed to...
So how in your opinion am
I supposed to... Mmm!
Definitely not yours.
Definitely not yours.
Definitely not yours.
Definitely not yours.
Definitely not yours.
- Just say "okay" already!
- Okay, okay...
The party of the second part
has informed
the party of the first part that she was
married in a civil ceremony in Cyprus
to an Israeli man
by the name of...
You haven't told me
that you have a...
The party of the first part,
with the consent of the
party of the second part,
has decided
not to check and/or
to verify this matter.
The party of the second part
promises,
in advance and irrevocably,
not to pester
the party of the first part
with lawsuits and/or requests,
if and when the party
of the second part
is impregnated by the
party of the first part.
Please forgive me,
Mr. Avidan,
but I happen to be the mother
of one of your...
Never mind.
Is she still there?
What do you exactly mean
by "there"?
I didn't know you
had a mother.
Can I speak to her?
I'm afraid she isn't too fully
awake at the moment.
Oh, that's alright.
Look, dear lady, your daughter
is happily slumbering in my bed.
Do you suggest that we
wake her up immediately,
or that we let her sleep
peacefully until morning?
Goodness.
Listen, mister.
You just wait right there.
I'm coming over.
She is coming.
Oy, an orgy!
The animals went in four by four,
hurrah, hurrah!
The animals went in four by four,
hurrah, hurrah!
The animals went in four by four,
reality with metaphor,
and they all, tum, tum, tum,
just to get out of the rain.
The animals went in four by four,
reality with metaphor,
da da, da, da, da,
just to get out of the rain.
Reality with metaphor,
just to get out of the rain.
Reality with metaphor,
just to get out of the rain.
The animals went in four by four,
reality with metaphor, ha, ha.
The animals went in four by four,
ha, ha, ha.
The animals went in four by four,
reality with metaphor, here, here!
The animals went in
four by four, hurrah!
- Here, here!
- Here, here!
But why do you have to fornicate
with every single woman?
Female.
It isn't a sex film.
It is a film entitled "Sex".
It isn't a sex film.
It is a film entitled "Sex".
It isn't a sex film.
It is a film entitled "Sex".
Go on, go on.
Look, I admit that
the sexual problem
is hard for me to deal with
at the moment.
But that's exactly why
I won't be able to
make an official statement
to your female readers
regarding this matter,
okay?
Go on, go on.
Female.
Look, I'm not even sure
that I love you.
As if that's something
you'd know anything about.
You'd be surprised.
Can I see a menu?
We're being asked about what we've
managed to accomplish here so far.
Do they think that all this
foam is all Bat Oren soap?
How do you say in Hebrew,
"tendresse"?
"Pleasure".
That's not something you have.
Excuse me,
can I hit on you?
Can I hit you?
The guitar...
Will have you dream
until you weep
Will have you dream
until you weep
The guitar...
The cry of the lost soul
The guitar...
Will have you dream
until you weep
Will have you dream
until you weep
The guitar...
The guitar...
The guitar...
Moscow speaking. (Russian)
Good morning. Temperature
two degrees below zero. (Russian)
Wissotzky Tea raises it to zero.
(Russian)
In half a minute, we will broadcast
the latest news bulletin. (Russian)
Radioactivity is very...
As opposed to atomic weapons,
conventional weapons
are still sensitive
to what we may call
"a nice landscape".
And this has, by the way,
a very practical reason.
Their operators know that these
weapons can
at most make changes to
things in the landscape.
But not the landscape itself.
Because of that same reason
the atomic weapon is not
sensitive to the landscape.
It doesn't even concern
itself with the landscape.
It just cancels it.
Sorry, Mr. Avidan, no pregnancy.
Better luck next time.
No? Thank you.
The party of the second part will
give up, in advance and irrevocably,
the argument that she has been
impregnated or will be impregnated
by anyone except the party
of the first part.
Beginning from this moment
and for a period of 3 months.
Absolutely no abortion.
Ho. Thank you.
Kiss my ass!
At the time and place
that are convenient for us.
Fuck the IDF,
not me!
Merde of the Maccabees.
[Sounds like: "Maccabean Revolt"]
To turn everything into a film,
and to set the film on fire.
more ridiculous,
to stand in front of a camera,
or behind it.
But since the non-cinematic
reality is no less ridiculous,
then the most elegant solution
would probably be to turn
everything into a film.
And to set the film on fire.
It isn't a sex film.
It is a film entitled "Sex".
Yes, I'm still looking
for the script.
Getting her pregnant,
signing her on a contract.
That's it...
A contract that has been
drawn up and signed in Tel Aviv
on the day ta-ta-tam
between ta-ta-tam
the undermentioned party
of the first part
and the ta-ta-ta-tam undermentioned
party of the second part.
Party of the second part...
Do you, David Avidan,
take these women to be your
lawful wedded wives?
No, thank you.
Spread your legs a bit.
The burden of proof
is on the prosecution.
You know, Avidan,
I'd really like to get married young.
With a nice, warm house,
and at least four kids.
I might actually marry you,
if you had some... means.
- I don't have much... means.
- Me neither.
Too bad. A marriage with you
would break me financially.
And break you personally.
Yes, that really wouldn't work.
Will you invite me
to your wedding?
Sure, why not.
Divorced from marriage,
but married to divorce.
Should the party of the
second part be interested in
having the party of the first
part's son and/or daughter...
And what if I'm pregnant?
Why would you be!
And should the party of the
second part have communicated
this desire to the party
of the first part...
If I'm having a baby,
it won't be yours.
And should the party of the
first part to express
a general consent to the party of the
second part's aforementioned desire...
And should the party of the first
part to express his general consent.
And should the party of the first
part to express his general consent.
And should the party of the
first part to express his consent.
And should the party of the
first part to express his consent.
And should the party of the
first part to express.
And should the party of the
first part to express.
And should the party of the
first part.
And should the party of the
first part.
And should the party.
And should the party.
And should the party.
Don't you want to
be a dad?
You really don't want
to be a dad?
The first thing that
calls me "dad",
I'm picking up a gun
and shooting it.
Dad!
In the matter of William Tell,
the apple is important too.
Ingredients:
A child-sized apple,
and an apple-sized child.
Usage instructions:
Head on top of head, according
to the aforementioned scale.
Side effects:
Fairy tales, more tragic
and less heroic.
Doctor's instructions:
The imagination of the apple's
heart is evil from its youth.
And he who spares his crossbow,
hates his son.
Thesis for discussion in
the event of deterioration:
The safety of the apple as the
existential challenge of the marksman,
contrasted with the safety
of the child
as the existential challenge
of the apple.
This film is open
to any kind of explosion.
Explosion of houses,
explosion of interpersonal
relationships,
and even the explosion of
film productions,
which are themselves open
to any kind of explosion.
They won't let you love
in this country.
They won't let you love
in this country.
- Want some?
- Yes.
- Let's go.
- Fine.
- Wait a minute.
- Okay.
They won't let you love
in this country!
Don't we know each other
from somewhere?
It's possible.
It's never too late.
Do you bathe often?
Do you bathe alone, usually?
Usually...
Isn't that boring?
It's very pleasant
when you're alone.
I think it's best to sleep
alone, but bathe with others.
Much better than sleeping
with others, but bathing alone.
The daring thesis that is
now seeing the light of day
for the first, and possibly
last, time.
The noble and discrete manner
of the impregnation
of the Virgin Mary probably
answers a need that is common
among not only all virgins,
but almost all women,
the longing to be
taken from the inside.
There's no need to be
a Christian, specifically,
to understand that only
the Holy Spirit
can answer this aching need.
Because this need is,
of course, mainly spiritual.
From the inside, secretly,
with minimal pain
and maximal divine protection.
And, no less importantly,
all at once.
But whenever Mary's unique
impregnation is mentioned,
often forgotten is her
direct, earthly and
frustrated victim:
her husband.
And even if the fact that
his name is Joseph is remembered,
his profession is,
for some reason, often ignored.
The carpenter,
the carpenter,
the carpenter constantly
in the background.
Without him, the building of the cross
could never be described.
As for Jesus,
son of Joseph,
he probably suffered from
what can be,
with some caution,
defined as a
reverse Oedipal comlex.
He was jealous of his mother
for the fact that the Holy Spirit
has visited her instead of him.
It is probable that
the persona of Jesus
was of a somewhat
homosexual nature.
Do you think that we
look sufficiently clean?
Do you feel that this situation
is a sexual one or a hygienic one?
It's a comfortable
and warm situation.
Okay, dear lady, this
has been interesting,
but beds and baths are things
one must at some point leave.
I always believed that I
possess a very photogenic penis.
Well, our new script-girl.
(French)
Very tasty,
if you ask me. (Russian)
Psychological situation: open.
(French)
Physiological situation: closed.
(French)
So, you pissed well,
my love? (French)
Urological situation: comfortable.
(French)
Heil Hitler!
Heil Hitler!
Heil!
Heil!
Heil!
Something new. Something brown.
(Polish)
Nothing new. And nothing brown.
(Polish)
And what are you doing here?
Ah!
I'm the one from the red joke!
Oh, my ex-wife.
I heard that she gave birth
to something.
Yours?
Obviously not yours.
- Male? Female?
- Female.
Mmm!
Okay, okay!
- Ex-wife?
- Ex-wife.
So, all your wives
are in fact your ex-wives?
Even my future wives
are my ex-wives.
So what if I'm a virgin?
If we're already talking
about virginity,
we should observe a virginity
in its natural size.
Even though virginity is
a fairly unnatural
phenomenon nowadays.
So what if I'm not a virgin?
In this movie, I'm not
taking my clothes off.
So how in your opinion am I
supposed to get you pregnant?
Pregnant?
No way!
- We're not in a relationship.
- But there is however a contract.
So how in your opinion am I
supposed to get you pregnant?
So how in your opinion...
So how in your opinion
am I supposed to...
So how in your opinion am
I supposed to... Mmm!
Definitely not yours.
Definitely not yours.
Definitely not yours.
Definitely not yours.
Definitely not yours.
- Just say "okay" already!
- Okay, okay...
The party of the second part
has informed
the party of the first part that she was
married in a civil ceremony in Cyprus
to an Israeli man
by the name of...
You haven't told me
that you have a...
The party of the first part,
with the consent of the
party of the second part,
has decided
not to check and/or
to verify this matter.
The party of the second part
promises,
in advance and irrevocably,
not to pester
the party of the first part
with lawsuits and/or requests,
if and when the party
of the second part
is impregnated by the
party of the first part.
Please forgive me,
Mr. Avidan,
but I happen to be the mother
of one of your...
Never mind.
Is she still there?
What do you exactly mean
by "there"?
I didn't know you
had a mother.
Can I speak to her?
I'm afraid she isn't too fully
awake at the moment.
Oh, that's alright.
Look, dear lady, your daughter
is happily slumbering in my bed.
Do you suggest that we
wake her up immediately,
or that we let her sleep
peacefully until morning?
Goodness.
Listen, mister.
You just wait right there.
I'm coming over.
She is coming.
Oy, an orgy!
The animals went in four by four,
hurrah, hurrah!
The animals went in four by four,
hurrah, hurrah!
The animals went in four by four,
reality with metaphor,
and they all, tum, tum, tum,
just to get out of the rain.
The animals went in four by four,
reality with metaphor,
da da, da, da, da,
just to get out of the rain.
Reality with metaphor,
just to get out of the rain.
Reality with metaphor,
just to get out of the rain.
The animals went in four by four,
reality with metaphor, ha, ha.
The animals went in four by four,
ha, ha, ha.
The animals went in four by four,
reality with metaphor, here, here!
The animals went in
four by four, hurrah!
- Here, here!
- Here, here!
But why do you have to fornicate
with every single woman?
Female.
It isn't a sex film.
It is a film entitled "Sex".
It isn't a sex film.
It is a film entitled "Sex".
It isn't a sex film.
It is a film entitled "Sex".
Go on, go on.
Look, I admit that
the sexual problem
is hard for me to deal with
at the moment.
But that's exactly why
I won't be able to
make an official statement
to your female readers
regarding this matter,
okay?
Go on, go on.
Female.
Look, I'm not even sure
that I love you.
As if that's something
you'd know anything about.
You'd be surprised.
Can I see a menu?
We're being asked about what we've
managed to accomplish here so far.
Do they think that all this
foam is all Bat Oren soap?
How do you say in Hebrew,
"tendresse"?
"Pleasure".
That's not something you have.
Excuse me,
can I hit on you?
Can I hit you?
The guitar...
Will have you dream
until you weep
Will have you dream
until you weep
The guitar...
The cry of the lost soul
The guitar...
Will have you dream
until you weep
Will have you dream
until you weep
The guitar...
The guitar...
The guitar...
Moscow speaking. (Russian)
Good morning. Temperature
two degrees below zero. (Russian)
Wissotzky Tea raises it to zero.
(Russian)
In half a minute, we will broadcast
the latest news bulletin. (Russian)
Radioactivity is very...
As opposed to atomic weapons,
conventional weapons
are still sensitive
to what we may call
"a nice landscape".
And this has, by the way,
a very practical reason.
Their operators know that these
weapons can
at most make changes to
things in the landscape.
But not the landscape itself.
Because of that same reason
the atomic weapon is not
sensitive to the landscape.
It doesn't even concern
itself with the landscape.
It just cancels it.
Sorry, Mr. Avidan, no pregnancy.
Better luck next time.
No? Thank you.
The party of the second part will
give up, in advance and irrevocably,
the argument that she has been
impregnated or will be impregnated
by anyone except the party
of the first part.
Beginning from this moment
and for a period of 3 months.
Absolutely no abortion.
Ho. Thank you.
Kiss my ass!
At the time and place
that are convenient for us.
Fuck the IDF,
not me!
Merde of the Maccabees.
[Sounds like: "Maccabean Revolt"]
To turn everything into a film,
and to set the film on fire.