Seth & Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show (2009) - full transcript
A commercial-free variety special starring Seth MacFarlane and his "Family Guy" co-star Alex Borstein. The half-hour special will highlight the duo's subversive and unique comedic sensibilities and feature original animation, live-action performances of "Family Guy's" most memorable musical numbers, comedy sketches and surprise celebrity guests.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER: Live from
the Jerry O'Connell Stamos
Theater in Hollywood,
Family Guy
presents Seth & Alex's
Almost Live Comedy Show,
featuring Walter Murphy
and his orchestra.
(DRUM ROLL)
Ladies and gentlemen,
Alex Borstein
and Seth MacFarlane.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
♪ It seems today
that all you see
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
♪ On which we used to rely?
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
♪ All the things
that make us
♪ Laugh and cry
♪ He's a family guy ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Thank you.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
Thank you.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Seth MacFarlane.
I'm Alex Borstein,
and we wanna welcome you to
our Almost Live Comedy Show.
You know,
we have so much fun
doing Family Guy
every week...
We do?
...we thought,
let's find a way
to bring that kind of wacky,
cartoon, musical-comedy vibe
to a live setting.
So here we are.
We have some songs,
we have some sketches.
Lots of other
fun stuff planned.
And we have here,
live in the studio,
Walter Murphy
and his orchestra.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Walter wrote
the Family Guy theme,
much of the music
for the series.
And this is the band
you hear every week
on the show.
Now they play everything
from the splashy show tunes
to those little tiny
play-ons that you see
every time you see
the Griffins' house.
And let's hear
one of those.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
It's good use of
40 musicians, right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, you know,
let's have some
family time.
Okay, here's one,
you guys.
You can have sex
with one celebrity.
Who's it gonna be?
Now that's a good one.
That's a good question.
Lois, who's it gonna be?
Danny Gans.
He's dead.
What?
Oh, my God. When?
Like, earlier this year.
(SPEAKS HEBREW)
So does that
change your answer?
No.
Okay, you know what?
Then Lance Burton.
Because he could pull
quarters out of me that
I didn't know were there.
What about you, Peter?
Brigitte Nielsen.
Who?
From Rocky IV.
You know, the blonde,
kind of butch-looking blonde
with the short hair.
Although, you know,
I can never tell what her
relationship with Ivan Drago
was supposed to be
in that movie.
You know, I mean,
was she his girlfriend
or his agent or him?
That's a terrible choice.
Pick someone current.
All right,
Cate Blanchett.
What... Why?
Because I'm told
she's quite beautiful.
By who?
The press and women
and gay guys.
So, everyone
except straight men.
Yes. Plus I want
children who can't
go in the sun.
Ooh, Cate Blanchett,
va-va voom.
What about you, Brian?
Mayim Bialik.
Really? Why?
Because I know
that she would
never hurt me.
I know that she
would never leave.
Wait, was she
Punky Brewster?
No, she was Blossom.
Oh, no. Ooh, is that
what's gonna happen
to Hannah Montana?
No! She's gonna be
beautiful always!
Whoa.
Okay, buddy.
Well, I would pick
Mrs. Humphreys.
Who?
Mrs. Humphreys.
She checks us in
at daycare.
That's not
a celebrity.
(SCOFFS) Everybody
at daycare knows
who she is.
And she smells like
applesauce and chalk and
a little bit of whiskey,
and that suits me
just fine.
How about you, Meg?
C-3PO.
What... What?
Yeah, he seems like
he'd be really smart
and kind of gentle.
Gentle? Meg,
you sleep with him,
he'd cut you open
like a tin can.
(YELLING) Well,
maybe that's
what I like!
You guys don't know me!
(SOBBING)
So, we all go
pleasure ourselves
in separate rooms
and come back in 10.
Sounds good to me.
PETER: Hey,
what about Chris?
LOIS: Oh,
he already finished
about 16 times today.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
You know,
with all this off-color
stuff that we're doing,
all these
self-pleasuring jokes
and whatnot,
it's good to inject
a certain amount of heart
into this type of show,
especially with this
fabulous orchestra.
So if I may,
I'd like to do a song
from my favorite movie.
(ORCHESTRA PLAYING
EDELWEISS)
♪ Edelweiss, Edelweiss
♪ Every morning
you greet me
I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
can we just stop
one second?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm so sorry.
I thought we discussed
this in rehearsal
that we weren't
gonna do this song.
What's wrong?
We weren't
gonna do this song.
What's the problem?
Well, you know,
my being Jewish and
my family history...
If you read
your history books,
you know the Austrian people
were not very kind
to my people
during World War II.
And we said we weren't
gonna do this.
Nah, it's a good song.
♪ Small and white,
clean and bright
♪ You look happy
to meet me
No. You know what?
I'm sorry.
What?
I'm really sorry.
You know what, I'm not
gonna not say anything.
Everyone talks about
how the Jews
never did anything and
they didn't fight back.
Well, I'm gonna
do it right now.
I'm fighting back tonight.
This is not okay.
Look, look.
I don't mean to be a jerk,
but we're doing a TV show.
This is not the place
to bring out your
Hebrew baggage, all right?
This is... Can we just
get through this?
♪ Blossom of snow
may you bloom and grow
♪ Bloom and grow forever
No. You know what?
I'm... No.
Oh, my God.
I'm really sorry.
But I'm not gonna just...
My mother,
who's here tonight,
and my grandmother,
they barely
escaped the Nazis
during World War II.
And I will be damned
if I'm gonna stand here
with a smile on my face
'cause you're
Seth MacFarlane.
No one should
mess with Seth.
I'm sorry. No.
Look, look.
Let me just
ask you this.
Had none of that
ever happened,
how many female
Jewish comedians
would you be
competing with
in Hollywood?
Right? Right now,
it's just you
and Sarah Silverman.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
♪ Edelweiss, Edelweiss
MACFARLANE: ♪ Edelweiss
♪ Bless my homeland forever ♪
♪ Bless my homeland forever ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
We have a little treat
for you here. Now,
working in Hollywood,
you sometimes run across
forgotten little treasures
that somehow got
swept under the rug.
Well, we have gotten
our hands on some
discarded screen tests
for some major
Hollywood pictures.
That's right.
These are very cool.
They're actors that
we all know and love
who actually tested
for some surprising films.
And had they been cast,
it would have been
a terrible mistake.
So just have a look.
MACFARLANE: Okay,
Bea Arthur, Showgirls.
Okay, whenever
you're ready.
All right, I just...
I have a couple
of questions.
First of all,
there's a line in here
where he says,
"It must be weird
not having anyone
(BLEEP) on you."
Now, do I think that's weird?
Is that... That is weird?
I would think...
Yes, you think it's weird.
Okay.
Okay, and then, also,
there's a scene here
where we're making love
in the swimming pool,
and I'm writhing
around in ecstasy
in the water.
Now, do you want me
to climax while he's
shoving me underwater
or do you want it
when I come up
gasping for air?
You know, just go ahead
and do what feels right,
but we did want to
have you in your
swimsuit for this.
This is my swimsuit.
Okay, next.
(MACFARLANE READING)
Okay, go ahead.
I'm a robot that
turns into a truck.
Look, I'll do it
right now.
(IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS)
Look, now I'm a robot.
(IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS)
Now I'm a truck.
Yeah, you don't have
to make the noise.
I've been practicing
the noise in the shower.
(IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS)
Now I'm a robot.
Now I'm a truck.
You can't believe
what you're seeing.
(MACFARLANE READING)
Whenever you're ready.
Oh, God,
I totally love pianos.
I would totally love
to play the piano
'cause I used
to take lessons
when I was little,
when I was a little kid,
my mom got me the lessons.
I was like,
"I'm not playing piano.
Only the dorks play piano."
Oh, my God,
I was more interested
in being with the guys.
And the guys
were like, "Loser."
And I was like,
"I'll sleep with you.
Even if you think I'm
a loser, I don't care."
They said, "Will you sleep
with the whole hockey team?"
"I'll do anything
for attention."
Kathy. Kathy.
"I don't mind."
Kathy.
You character does not talk
in the movie The Piano.
She's a mute.
I can do that.
(HUMMING)
Not talking at all.
The piano. Piano.
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
Okay, quieter.
This is a chord.
Quieter. Okay,
that was a chord.
Quieter. Quieter.
(HUMMING SOFTLY)
Totally silent.
No noise at all, Kathy.
(WHIMPERS)
Don't make a sound.
(HUMS)
Okay, thanks.
(MACFARLANE READING)
Okay, go ahead.
Okay, fellows,
let's roll.
We'll charge the cockpit,
bust open the door
and take down
the hijackers.
There's just one thing
I want you to do.
What's that?
Talk me out of it.
(SOBBING)
I do believe in Allah.
I do believe in Allah.
I do, I do, I do, I do.
(MACFARLANE READING)
Okay, you see
the spaceship
for the first time.
Okay.
And you can't take
your eyes off it.
Like this?
Bigger.
Big reaction.
Oh, my God.
Wide-eyed and bigger.
Like this?
Eye-popping action, Renee.
Big, big reaction.
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, my God,
I see aliens.
You cannot
believe your eyes.
Oh, my God,
there they are.
(GASPING)
You cannot believe
your wide-open eyes.
Oh, my God,
I'm so surprised.
It's just
eye-popping action,
and you're looking
right at it.
I feel it.
Your eyes are burning
from looking
at it so much.
I'm feeling it.
The Meisner's kicking in.
(GASPING)
Oh, my God.
(MACFARLANE READING)
Okay, scene 14.
It is the decision of
this law firm that you be
terminated immediately.
You're...
You're firing me?
I'm sorry.
It's because
I have AIDS,
isn't it?
You're firing me because
I'm a homosexual man
with AIDS.
It's more complicated
than that.
Screw you.
This is discrimination,
pure and simple.
And you know,
I'd be a lot more
upset about it
if we didn't have
John Denver here tonight,
ladies and gentlemen.
John Denver, yay.
Wow, I think you
might be perfect
for this role.
Really?
Yeah.
That was the gayest thing
I've ever seen.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
You know, we do
a lot of celebrity gags
on Family Guy.
We make fun of
a lot of celebrities.
And one of our favorites,
though, was a gag in which
Marlee Matlin
calls Moviefone.
And it went
something like this.
Welcome to Moviefone.
Please say the name
of the movie you would
like to see now.
(AS MATLIN)
(500) Days of Summer.
I did not understand
your selection.
Please say the name
of the movie you would
like to see now.
(500) Days of Summer.
You have selected Fame.
(EXCLAIMS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Just keeps getting funnier.
We're gonna burn in hell,
aren't we?
I know. I know.
I'm already
feeling the heat.
Now we...
Seriously,
if the Christians
are right and I'm wrong,
I am going to
seriously burn in hell.
You are.
It's gonna be really bad.
Even if...
It's gonna be really bad.
But even if they're wrong,
let's just say...
Yeah.
...I have a feeling
that at some point
here on Earth,
someone's gonna
set you on fire.
(LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm just saying.
Yeah.
I have a feeling
you're probably right.
I've already
made out my will.
We kid Marlee Matlin,
but she really is
an amazing woman.
She was on
Dancing with the Stars
recently.
But what you
may not know
is that she also has
an album coming out
next year
that features
pop song covers,
including this
little gem.
(ORCHESTRA PLAYING
POKER FACE)
(SINGING AS MATLIN)
♪ I wanna hold 'em
like they do in Texas plays
♪ Fold 'em, let 'em
hit me, raise it, baby
stay with me
♪ Luck and intuition
play the cards with
spades to start
♪ And after he's been hooked
I'll play the one that's
on his heart
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
♪ I'll get him hot,
show him what I got
♪ I'll get him hot,
show him what I got
♪ Can't read my,
can't read my
♪ No, he can't read
my poker face
♪ Can't read my,
can't read my
♪ No, he can't read
my poker face
♪ Poker face, poker face
♪ Poker face, poker face
Are you still playing?
You are.
...3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
♪ I wanna roll with him
a hard pair we will be
♪ A little gambling is fun
when you're with me
♪ Russian roulette
is not... ♪
Oh (BLEEP).
Shut up!
I just... No, no. I just
wanna say I'm a really,
really big fan of yours. I...
Children of a Lesser God
was amazing,
you won an award,
and your book
was so candid
and so courageous,
and your work
on The West Wing
is incredible.
(EXCLAIMING) Shut up!
You're
embarrassing yourself.
You think it feels good
being made fun of?
Well, how about I do
an impression of you?
No, you...
Okay, let me do it.
I'm Alex.
I'm an arrogant
little whore.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All I do is not exercise,
eat Oreos
and complain that
I'm not in more movies.
Here's me walking
down the street.
Does that feel good?
No.
Huh?
No, it doesn't, Miss Matlin.
Does it?
No.
No, it doesn't!
No.
(SIGHS)
You know,
you've made fun of me
more than twice.
Twice. On Family Guy.
Did you ever think once
of calling me
and asking me to do
my own voice?
No, no, I swear,
Miss Matlin,
we did, we called.
But the phone just
rang and rang and...
(ALL LAUGHING)
(MOUTHING)
You want to learn
some sign language?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah?
(BLEEP)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
You know, before we
get too far into this,
I gotta say,
it's very nice to see you
behind the microphone again.
Well, thank you
very much, Seth.
Alex... Actually,
you might not know this,
Alex used to do stand-up.
Well, more like
storytelling.
And you used to do...
(LAUGHING)
You used to do this bit
which I would love
for you to do right now.
Which one?
You know the one
I'm talking about.
I don't.
That thing where
you tell a joke
that only
a rapist can hear.
Okay.
All right, here you go.
It goes like this.
Yeah, yeah.
(MOUTHING)
(LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know, when Family Guy
returned from cancellation
many moons ago,
we began the season
with Peter Griffin
reciting a list of
all the Fox shows
that had been canceled
since we were,
if you remember that,
and there were quite
a lot of them.
Yes, no one succeeds at
failure better than Fox.
So here's some clips
from a few pilots
that actually never
even made to the air.
Let's take a look.
(SIREN WAILING)
I'm not going in there.
Well, I'm not either.
But there's
a drug dealer in there.
I know, but what if
he's got a cat?
Oh, God.
I'm gonna be all sniffles
while I'm shooting.
'Cause you know,
it's not the fur.
It's the dander.
We're in the
wrong profession.
On the way back,
let's not go the way
with the toll.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Here's the main title
sequence from a failed
Fox western pilot.
And I think part of
the problem might be
the theme song itself.
Take a look at this.
These lyrics don't seem
to make a lot of sense.
MAN: ♪ There was a man
who shot the man
♪ who was a man
who shot the man
Cal Johnson
CHORUS: ♪ Cal Johnson
MAN: ♪ He wore a hat,
his favorite hat
♪ He loved that hat,
he hated hats
Cal Johnson
CHORUS: ♪ Cal Johnson
MAN: ♪ He was a dad
to zero kids and yet
he fathered five
♪ He got shot dead a year ago
and yet he's still alive
♪ He's rich beyond
his wildest dreams
yet never had a dime
♪ A lawman to the very end
he led a life of crime
♪ In all his years
of life on Earth
he never fired a gun
♪ Yet when it
came to Chinese men
he shot down every one
♪ He had a horse
named Bandit and the
horse's name was Clyde
♪ Cal Johnson was born
the day he died ♪
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Yeah.
Patrick Warburton
as Cal Johnson.
We... Yeah.
So here's the deal.
We have a slight problem.
Our time's almost up
and we kind of
promised the network
that in exchange
for getting to do this
little show and play
that we would really
promote the heck out
of The Cleveland Show.
But we haven't done it.
All we've done is sing
songs and cuss a lot.
Yeah.
So how about this?
As long as we're
swearing so much,
let's play a little game
that might help promote
the show.
Every time we curse
or use a bad word,
instead of a bleep
you'll hear this.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
Hmm. Interesting.
So, like, if I wanna
refer to my genitalia,
instead I'd say...
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
Right. Or, instead of saying,
"erotic gratification"
or something like that,
I'd say, "Last night
I watched Law & Order SVU
"until I...
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So I can say,
"Hey, Seth,
"you've got
a really small..."
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
Or I could say,
"Gosh, Alex,
"last night you gave me
a really low-energy..."
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
I think I understand.
Let me see.
So I could say,
"Hey, I just spent
all day at yoga
"and my..."
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
"...smells like
a Moroccan village."
You could definitely
say that.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Doesn't bother me.
I take care of myself,
I do yoga.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And if that's
a byproduct,
so be it.
Okay, wait.
So I could say also, like,
"If you were
a South African
hermaphrodite runner,
"you very well
could have a...
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
...and...
Cleveland.
Ooh. Exotic.
And if you
were flexible,
you could curl your...
Cleveland.
...around your...
Cleveland.
...wash it off,
and then start in on your...
Cleveland.
...your...
Cleveland.
...got your two hands
free to just...
Cleveland.
...to...till they...on your...
Cleveland. Cleveland.
Cleveland.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Okay, are we done?
'Cause I am about to
...my...
Cleveland. Cleveland.
You can do that?
Yeah, if I'm sitting on
a hard bench or something.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All right. Well, folks,
we hope you enjoyed our show.
We really do and we wanna
thank our fans both here
in the audience and at home.
We know that without you,
we would not have
any of this.
(ALL CHEERING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
my beautiful TV wife,
Alex Borstein.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
And now, we'll say
good night to you
with a few of your favorite
Family Guy tunes. Walter.
♪ Now a woman who'll kiss
on the very first date
♪ Is usually a hussy
♪ And a woman who'll kiss
on the second time out
♪ Is anything but fussy
♪ But a woman who'll wait
till the third time around
♪ Head in the clouds,
feet on the ground
♪ She's the girl
he's glad he's found
She's his Shipoopi
♪ Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi
ALL: ♪ The girl
who's hard to get
♪ Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi
CHEERLEADERS:
♪ But you can win her yet ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
♪ She packed my bags
last night pre-flight.
Zero hour, 9:00 a.m.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
♪ And I'm gonna be high
As a kite by then
All right, Walter,
take this and jam it
right down my trousers,
my friend.
♪ And I think it's gonna be
a long, long, time
♪ Till touchdown brings me
round again to find
♪ I'm not the man
they think I am at home
♪ Oh, no, no, no
♪ I'm a rocket man
♪ Rocket man
burning off his fuse
out here alone ♪
Ooh! Yes. Yes.
I'm musically stimulated
in a way that you can't
put on TV.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(SURFIN' BIRD PLAYING)
Oh, my God,
this is Surfin' Bird
by The Trashmen.
This is my favorite song
of all time!
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a, don't you know
about the bird?
♪ Yeah, everybody's heard
that the bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a, bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a, bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a, bird, bird, bird ♪
ENGLISH - US - LINE 21
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCER: Live from
the Jerry O'Connell Stamos
Theater in Hollywood,
Family Guy
presents Seth & Alex's
Almost Live Comedy Show,
featuring Walter Murphy
and his orchestra.
(DRUM ROLL)
Ladies and gentlemen,
Alex Borstein
and Seth MacFarlane.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
♪ It seems today
that all you see
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
♪ On which we used to rely?
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
♪ All the things
that make us
♪ Laugh and cry
♪ He's a family guy ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Thank you.
Thank you.
No, thank you.
Thank you.
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Seth MacFarlane.
I'm Alex Borstein,
and we wanna welcome you to
our Almost Live Comedy Show.
You know,
we have so much fun
doing Family Guy
every week...
We do?
...we thought,
let's find a way
to bring that kind of wacky,
cartoon, musical-comedy vibe
to a live setting.
So here we are.
We have some songs,
we have some sketches.
Lots of other
fun stuff planned.
And we have here,
live in the studio,
Walter Murphy
and his orchestra.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Walter wrote
the Family Guy theme,
much of the music
for the series.
And this is the band
you hear every week
on the show.
Now they play everything
from the splashy show tunes
to those little tiny
play-ons that you see
every time you see
the Griffins' house.
And let's hear
one of those.
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
It's good use of
40 musicians, right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, you know,
let's have some
family time.
Okay, here's one,
you guys.
You can have sex
with one celebrity.
Who's it gonna be?
Now that's a good one.
That's a good question.
Lois, who's it gonna be?
Danny Gans.
He's dead.
What?
Oh, my God. When?
Like, earlier this year.
(SPEAKS HEBREW)
So does that
change your answer?
No.
Okay, you know what?
Then Lance Burton.
Because he could pull
quarters out of me that
I didn't know were there.
What about you, Peter?
Brigitte Nielsen.
Who?
From Rocky IV.
You know, the blonde,
kind of butch-looking blonde
with the short hair.
Although, you know,
I can never tell what her
relationship with Ivan Drago
was supposed to be
in that movie.
You know, I mean,
was she his girlfriend
or his agent or him?
That's a terrible choice.
Pick someone current.
All right,
Cate Blanchett.
What... Why?
Because I'm told
she's quite beautiful.
By who?
The press and women
and gay guys.
So, everyone
except straight men.
Yes. Plus I want
children who can't
go in the sun.
Ooh, Cate Blanchett,
va-va voom.
What about you, Brian?
Mayim Bialik.
Really? Why?
Because I know
that she would
never hurt me.
I know that she
would never leave.
Wait, was she
Punky Brewster?
No, she was Blossom.
Oh, no. Ooh, is that
what's gonna happen
to Hannah Montana?
No! She's gonna be
beautiful always!
Whoa.
Okay, buddy.
Well, I would pick
Mrs. Humphreys.
Who?
Mrs. Humphreys.
She checks us in
at daycare.
That's not
a celebrity.
(SCOFFS) Everybody
at daycare knows
who she is.
And she smells like
applesauce and chalk and
a little bit of whiskey,
and that suits me
just fine.
How about you, Meg?
C-3PO.
What... What?
Yeah, he seems like
he'd be really smart
and kind of gentle.
Gentle? Meg,
you sleep with him,
he'd cut you open
like a tin can.
(YELLING) Well,
maybe that's
what I like!
You guys don't know me!
(SOBBING)
So, we all go
pleasure ourselves
in separate rooms
and come back in 10.
Sounds good to me.
PETER: Hey,
what about Chris?
LOIS: Oh,
he already finished
about 16 times today.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
You know,
with all this off-color
stuff that we're doing,
all these
self-pleasuring jokes
and whatnot,
it's good to inject
a certain amount of heart
into this type of show,
especially with this
fabulous orchestra.
So if I may,
I'd like to do a song
from my favorite movie.
(ORCHESTRA PLAYING
EDELWEISS)
♪ Edelweiss, Edelweiss
♪ Every morning
you greet me
I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
can we just stop
one second?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm so sorry.
I thought we discussed
this in rehearsal
that we weren't
gonna do this song.
What's wrong?
We weren't
gonna do this song.
What's the problem?
Well, you know,
my being Jewish and
my family history...
If you read
your history books,
you know the Austrian people
were not very kind
to my people
during World War II.
And we said we weren't
gonna do this.
Nah, it's a good song.
♪ Small and white,
clean and bright
♪ You look happy
to meet me
No. You know what?
I'm sorry.
What?
I'm really sorry.
You know what, I'm not
gonna not say anything.
Everyone talks about
how the Jews
never did anything and
they didn't fight back.
Well, I'm gonna
do it right now.
I'm fighting back tonight.
This is not okay.
Look, look.
I don't mean to be a jerk,
but we're doing a TV show.
This is not the place
to bring out your
Hebrew baggage, all right?
This is... Can we just
get through this?
♪ Blossom of snow
may you bloom and grow
♪ Bloom and grow forever
No. You know what?
I'm... No.
Oh, my God.
I'm really sorry.
But I'm not gonna just...
My mother,
who's here tonight,
and my grandmother,
they barely
escaped the Nazis
during World War II.
And I will be damned
if I'm gonna stand here
with a smile on my face
'cause you're
Seth MacFarlane.
No one should
mess with Seth.
I'm sorry. No.
Look, look.
Let me just
ask you this.
Had none of that
ever happened,
how many female
Jewish comedians
would you be
competing with
in Hollywood?
Right? Right now,
it's just you
and Sarah Silverman.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
♪ Edelweiss, Edelweiss
MACFARLANE: ♪ Edelweiss
♪ Bless my homeland forever ♪
♪ Bless my homeland forever ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
We have a little treat
for you here. Now,
working in Hollywood,
you sometimes run across
forgotten little treasures
that somehow got
swept under the rug.
Well, we have gotten
our hands on some
discarded screen tests
for some major
Hollywood pictures.
That's right.
These are very cool.
They're actors that
we all know and love
who actually tested
for some surprising films.
And had they been cast,
it would have been
a terrible mistake.
So just have a look.
MACFARLANE: Okay,
Bea Arthur, Showgirls.
Okay, whenever
you're ready.
All right, I just...
I have a couple
of questions.
First of all,
there's a line in here
where he says,
"It must be weird
not having anyone
(BLEEP) on you."
Now, do I think that's weird?
Is that... That is weird?
I would think...
Yes, you think it's weird.
Okay.
Okay, and then, also,
there's a scene here
where we're making love
in the swimming pool,
and I'm writhing
around in ecstasy
in the water.
Now, do you want me
to climax while he's
shoving me underwater
or do you want it
when I come up
gasping for air?
You know, just go ahead
and do what feels right,
but we did want to
have you in your
swimsuit for this.
This is my swimsuit.
Okay, next.
(MACFARLANE READING)
Okay, go ahead.
I'm a robot that
turns into a truck.
Look, I'll do it
right now.
(IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS)
Look, now I'm a robot.
(IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS)
Now I'm a truck.
Yeah, you don't have
to make the noise.
I've been practicing
the noise in the shower.
(IMITATING SOUND EFFECTS)
Now I'm a robot.
Now I'm a truck.
You can't believe
what you're seeing.
(MACFARLANE READING)
Whenever you're ready.
Oh, God,
I totally love pianos.
I would totally love
to play the piano
'cause I used
to take lessons
when I was little,
when I was a little kid,
my mom got me the lessons.
I was like,
"I'm not playing piano.
Only the dorks play piano."
Oh, my God,
I was more interested
in being with the guys.
And the guys
were like, "Loser."
And I was like,
"I'll sleep with you.
Even if you think I'm
a loser, I don't care."
They said, "Will you sleep
with the whole hockey team?"
"I'll do anything
for attention."
Kathy. Kathy.
"I don't mind."
Kathy.
You character does not talk
in the movie The Piano.
She's a mute.
I can do that.
(HUMMING)
Not talking at all.
The piano. Piano.
(CONTINUES HUMMING)
Okay, quieter.
This is a chord.
Quieter. Okay,
that was a chord.
Quieter. Quieter.
(HUMMING SOFTLY)
Totally silent.
No noise at all, Kathy.
(WHIMPERS)
Don't make a sound.
(HUMS)
Okay, thanks.
(MACFARLANE READING)
Okay, go ahead.
Okay, fellows,
let's roll.
We'll charge the cockpit,
bust open the door
and take down
the hijackers.
There's just one thing
I want you to do.
What's that?
Talk me out of it.
(SOBBING)
I do believe in Allah.
I do believe in Allah.
I do, I do, I do, I do.
(MACFARLANE READING)
Okay, you see
the spaceship
for the first time.
Okay.
And you can't take
your eyes off it.
Like this?
Bigger.
Big reaction.
Oh, my God.
Wide-eyed and bigger.
Like this?
Eye-popping action, Renee.
Big, big reaction.
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, my God,
I see aliens.
You cannot
believe your eyes.
Oh, my God,
there they are.
(GASPING)
You cannot believe
your wide-open eyes.
Oh, my God,
I'm so surprised.
It's just
eye-popping action,
and you're looking
right at it.
I feel it.
Your eyes are burning
from looking
at it so much.
I'm feeling it.
The Meisner's kicking in.
(GASPING)
Oh, my God.
(MACFARLANE READING)
Okay, scene 14.
It is the decision of
this law firm that you be
terminated immediately.
You're...
You're firing me?
I'm sorry.
It's because
I have AIDS,
isn't it?
You're firing me because
I'm a homosexual man
with AIDS.
It's more complicated
than that.
Screw you.
This is discrimination,
pure and simple.
And you know,
I'd be a lot more
upset about it
if we didn't have
John Denver here tonight,
ladies and gentlemen.
John Denver, yay.
Wow, I think you
might be perfect
for this role.
Really?
Yeah.
That was the gayest thing
I've ever seen.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
You know, we do
a lot of celebrity gags
on Family Guy.
We make fun of
a lot of celebrities.
And one of our favorites,
though, was a gag in which
Marlee Matlin
calls Moviefone.
And it went
something like this.
Welcome to Moviefone.
Please say the name
of the movie you would
like to see now.
(AS MATLIN)
(500) Days of Summer.
I did not understand
your selection.
Please say the name
of the movie you would
like to see now.
(500) Days of Summer.
You have selected Fame.
(EXCLAIMS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Just keeps getting funnier.
We're gonna burn in hell,
aren't we?
I know. I know.
I'm already
feeling the heat.
Now we...
Seriously,
if the Christians
are right and I'm wrong,
I am going to
seriously burn in hell.
You are.
It's gonna be really bad.
Even if...
It's gonna be really bad.
But even if they're wrong,
let's just say...
Yeah.
...I have a feeling
that at some point
here on Earth,
someone's gonna
set you on fire.
(LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm just saying.
Yeah.
I have a feeling
you're probably right.
I've already
made out my will.
We kid Marlee Matlin,
but she really is
an amazing woman.
She was on
Dancing with the Stars
recently.
But what you
may not know
is that she also has
an album coming out
next year
that features
pop song covers,
including this
little gem.
(ORCHESTRA PLAYING
POKER FACE)
(SINGING AS MATLIN)
♪ I wanna hold 'em
like they do in Texas plays
♪ Fold 'em, let 'em
hit me, raise it, baby
stay with me
♪ Luck and intuition
play the cards with
spades to start
♪ And after he's been hooked
I'll play the one that's
on his heart
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
♪ I'll get him hot,
show him what I got
♪ I'll get him hot,
show him what I got
♪ Can't read my,
can't read my
♪ No, he can't read
my poker face
♪ Can't read my,
can't read my
♪ No, he can't read
my poker face
♪ Poker face, poker face
♪ Poker face, poker face
Are you still playing?
You are.
...3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.
♪ I wanna roll with him
a hard pair we will be
♪ A little gambling is fun
when you're with me
♪ Russian roulette
is not... ♪
Oh (BLEEP).
Shut up!
I just... No, no. I just
wanna say I'm a really,
really big fan of yours. I...
Children of a Lesser God
was amazing,
you won an award,
and your book
was so candid
and so courageous,
and your work
on The West Wing
is incredible.
(EXCLAIMING) Shut up!
You're
embarrassing yourself.
You think it feels good
being made fun of?
Well, how about I do
an impression of you?
No, you...
Okay, let me do it.
I'm Alex.
I'm an arrogant
little whore.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All I do is not exercise,
eat Oreos
and complain that
I'm not in more movies.
Here's me walking
down the street.
Does that feel good?
No.
Huh?
No, it doesn't, Miss Matlin.
Does it?
No.
No, it doesn't!
No.
(SIGHS)
You know,
you've made fun of me
more than twice.
Twice. On Family Guy.
Did you ever think once
of calling me
and asking me to do
my own voice?
No, no, I swear,
Miss Matlin,
we did, we called.
But the phone just
rang and rang and...
(ALL LAUGHING)
(MOUTHING)
You want to learn
some sign language?
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah?
(BLEEP)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
You know, before we
get too far into this,
I gotta say,
it's very nice to see you
behind the microphone again.
Well, thank you
very much, Seth.
Alex... Actually,
you might not know this,
Alex used to do stand-up.
Well, more like
storytelling.
And you used to do...
(LAUGHING)
You used to do this bit
which I would love
for you to do right now.
Which one?
You know the one
I'm talking about.
I don't.
That thing where
you tell a joke
that only
a rapist can hear.
Okay.
All right, here you go.
It goes like this.
Yeah, yeah.
(MOUTHING)
(LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You know, when Family Guy
returned from cancellation
many moons ago,
we began the season
with Peter Griffin
reciting a list of
all the Fox shows
that had been canceled
since we were,
if you remember that,
and there were quite
a lot of them.
Yes, no one succeeds at
failure better than Fox.
So here's some clips
from a few pilots
that actually never
even made to the air.
Let's take a look.
(SIREN WAILING)
I'm not going in there.
Well, I'm not either.
But there's
a drug dealer in there.
I know, but what if
he's got a cat?
Oh, God.
I'm gonna be all sniffles
while I'm shooting.
'Cause you know,
it's not the fur.
It's the dander.
We're in the
wrong profession.
On the way back,
let's not go the way
with the toll.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Here's the main title
sequence from a failed
Fox western pilot.
And I think part of
the problem might be
the theme song itself.
Take a look at this.
These lyrics don't seem
to make a lot of sense.
MAN: ♪ There was a man
who shot the man
♪ who was a man
who shot the man
Cal Johnson
CHORUS: ♪ Cal Johnson
MAN: ♪ He wore a hat,
his favorite hat
♪ He loved that hat,
he hated hats
Cal Johnson
CHORUS: ♪ Cal Johnson
MAN: ♪ He was a dad
to zero kids and yet
he fathered five
♪ He got shot dead a year ago
and yet he's still alive
♪ He's rich beyond
his wildest dreams
yet never had a dime
♪ A lawman to the very end
he led a life of crime
♪ In all his years
of life on Earth
he never fired a gun
♪ Yet when it
came to Chinese men
he shot down every one
♪ He had a horse
named Bandit and the
horse's name was Clyde
♪ Cal Johnson was born
the day he died ♪
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Yeah.
Patrick Warburton
as Cal Johnson.
We... Yeah.
So here's the deal.
We have a slight problem.
Our time's almost up
and we kind of
promised the network
that in exchange
for getting to do this
little show and play
that we would really
promote the heck out
of The Cleveland Show.
But we haven't done it.
All we've done is sing
songs and cuss a lot.
Yeah.
So how about this?
As long as we're
swearing so much,
let's play a little game
that might help promote
the show.
Every time we curse
or use a bad word,
instead of a bleep
you'll hear this.
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
Hmm. Interesting.
So, like, if I wanna
refer to my genitalia,
instead I'd say...
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
Right. Or, instead of saying,
"erotic gratification"
or something like that,
I'd say, "Last night
I watched Law & Order SVU
"until I...
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
So I can say,
"Hey, Seth,
"you've got
a really small..."
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
Or I could say,
"Gosh, Alex,
"last night you gave me
a really low-energy..."
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
I think I understand.
Let me see.
So I could say,
"Hey, I just spent
all day at yoga
"and my..."
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
"...smells like
a Moroccan village."
You could definitely
say that.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Doesn't bother me.
I take care of myself,
I do yoga.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
And if that's
a byproduct,
so be it.
Okay, wait.
So I could say also, like,
"If you were
a South African
hermaphrodite runner,
"you very well
could have a...
AUTOMATED VOICE: Cleveland.
...and...
Cleveland.
Ooh. Exotic.
And if you
were flexible,
you could curl your...
Cleveland.
...around your...
Cleveland.
...wash it off,
and then start in on your...
Cleveland.
...your...
Cleveland.
...got your two hands
free to just...
Cleveland.
...to...till they...on your...
Cleveland. Cleveland.
Cleveland.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Okay, are we done?
'Cause I am about to
...my...
Cleveland. Cleveland.
You can do that?
Yeah, if I'm sitting on
a hard bench or something.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All right. Well, folks,
we hope you enjoyed our show.
We really do and we wanna
thank our fans both here
in the audience and at home.
We know that without you,
we would not have
any of this.
(ALL CHEERING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
my beautiful TV wife,
Alex Borstein.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
And now, we'll say
good night to you
with a few of your favorite
Family Guy tunes. Walter.
♪ Now a woman who'll kiss
on the very first date
♪ Is usually a hussy
♪ And a woman who'll kiss
on the second time out
♪ Is anything but fussy
♪ But a woman who'll wait
till the third time around
♪ Head in the clouds,
feet on the ground
♪ She's the girl
he's glad he's found
She's his Shipoopi
♪ Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi
ALL: ♪ The girl
who's hard to get
♪ Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi
CHEERLEADERS:
♪ But you can win her yet ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
♪ She packed my bags
last night pre-flight.
Zero hour, 9:00 a.m.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
♪ And I'm gonna be high
As a kite by then
All right, Walter,
take this and jam it
right down my trousers,
my friend.
♪ And I think it's gonna be
a long, long, time
♪ Till touchdown brings me
round again to find
♪ I'm not the man
they think I am at home
♪ Oh, no, no, no
♪ I'm a rocket man
♪ Rocket man
burning off his fuse
out here alone ♪
Ooh! Yes. Yes.
I'm musically stimulated
in a way that you can't
put on TV.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
(SURFIN' BIRD PLAYING)
Oh, my God,
this is Surfin' Bird
by The Trashmen.
This is my favorite song
of all time!
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a, don't you know
about the bird?
♪ Yeah, everybody's heard
that the bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a, bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a, bird, bird,
bird, b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird,
b-bird's the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a bird, bird, bird
Well, the bird is the word
♪ A-well-a, bird, bird, bird ♪
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