Servitude (2011) - full transcript

♪♪ Da da da da da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da da da ♪

♪ Da da da da da da da da ♪

♪ You want love
but you fear it ♪

♪ Your attention...

So here it is:
The end of the road.

My last night serving.

My last night wearing
this ridiculous outfit.

No more standing over people
as they talk, and text,

and Tweet, and update
their Facebook profiles,



and basically
completely ignore me.

No more smiling like an idiot for
photos with families I barely even know.

Honestly, are they really going to put a picture
of their waiter in their family photo album?

I mean, how lame is that?

No more dealing with Barb
and her oh-so-delightful

multiple personality disorder.

- I'll clean it up, I'll clean it up.
- Surprise!

No more ambushes from Tommy,
with his Taco Bell-flavoured "cuppies".

Mmm! Love it, buddy! Love it!

[Coughing]

No more always bumping
into... that guy.

OK, I have to admit,
I will miss the two Akbars.

Their heated debates
about Darwin, world politics,

and... something relativism
are always fascinating.



But hey, what do you expect from the
two most educated guys in the place?

Whoa, I almost forgot:
No more getting roped into

attending another one of
Simon's always-creatively-titled

but-extremely-painful
one-man shows.

- Tommy!
- Oh... Ah!

So, as I venture off into the
sunset, is there any one thing

I can say I've learned
for certain?

Well, I guess it's that people
can be pretty shitty sometimes.

Not that I blame them.
I mean, let's be honest:

Most people don't have
any real power in their lives.

But the moment they sit down
in my restaurant

and I approach their table,
they're the boss,

they're finally in charge
of someone.

And let me tell you, some
people take that to heart.

And it only makes things worse
that they assume

my kindness is fake, that
I'm only being nice to them

because I want a big tip.
And that's not true.

Well, OK, maybe
it's a little true,

but it's not the only reason.
Look, it's a server's job

to be nice to people
whether they like it or not.

It's not like we can be honest
with them, right?

Anyway, none of that matters
anymore because tonight

I'll walk out of those doors
for good. And I gotta say,

I can't wait.

So, here's how it's going
to go down:

Come closing time,
all the idiots once again

risk life and limb
on that death trap.

I'll wait to break the news
to Godfrey.

Now, I haven't told anybody
I'm quitting,

just like we talked about.
I want things to be nice

and clean... no casualties.

Woohoo!

Unlike the deathtrap.

So when the moment of truth
arrives, I'll be ready.

- Is he OK?
- [Man]: Good to go, boss!

I've been waiting three years for this
moment, and nothing is gonna stop me.

- OK, baby.
- This might sting a little.

Whoa, whoa. What are you doing
down there? Whoa, that hurts!

Ugh! Jesus, Josh.

- I was trying to give you an early birthday gift.
- I know. It's just

it doesn't feel like a gift
when you skewer me, that's all.

Maybe try a card next time?

- Fine. I'm sorry.
- I just thought maybe if I tried

something new, you know?
Things haven't exactly been

working out for you...
I mean us... recently.

I can't believe you would
bring that up. That was one time.

This is not a regular-
situations hip.

Yes, I know. I just thought things would
be better now that you're finally finished

working at that damn restaurant.

No, you know what? Forget it.
Let's just, let's just put this behind us.

Now, I want to hear how your
final shift went last night.

Did you end up spitting
in anyone's food?

Not that anybody would notice
in that dump.

Josh? Come on, Josh.
How'd it go?

- I'm sorry, what?
- Oh my God, Josh. Please say you quit.

- OK. "You quit." What?
- That's not what you wanted?

Josh, for God's sakes,
just be honest with me.

- Fine. I masturbate in the shower.
- Josh!

- What? I'm being honest.
- I even do it at your apartment.

Oh, my God.

Jenny, come back
into the apartment!

No!

- Jenny, come back!
- Why?

So I can watch you make babies
with your bathtub? No thanks!

- Well, that's the last time I'm honest with you, isn't it?
- No. No jokes.

- You were supposed to quit two weeks ago!
- I'm sorry. It didn't come up.

You bring it up! That's how
quitting works! God! You put in

your 3 years. Your dad is gonna
give you the money that you need

- to go to law school. Isn't that what you wanted?
- I wrote my LSATs, didn't I?

- Did you? I don't know!
- Where are your scores? They were

- supposed to be here a week ago.
- I know. I'll call again.

This waitering job was always just
temporary, Josh. You said so yourself!

- You're not allowed to set foot in there ever again!
- Jenny, I can't quit like that!

- You had your chance.
- Last night was supposed

to be your final shift, and
as far as I'm concerned, it was.

- Jenny, wait.
- No. Josh, no.

I made dinner reservations
tonight at Halo Grill

at eight o'clock. If you haven't quit
by then, then don't bother showing up.

No, Jenny... I mean, wait. I

I need your keys
to my apartment.

You mean these keys?

Yes, those.

Oops.

Nice.

- Eight o'clock!
- Shit.

That's the last time, Josh!

I'm sorry, Gretchen!

OK, so I chickened out again.

But tonight will truly be
my last night, I swear.

So I bid you adieu, TRUBLEEVER,

my most faithful reader. It's
been a pleasure serving you

all these years. Keep well,
and remember: Tip your waiter.

♪♪ Yeah better place your bets
on this guy ♪

♪ Create this effortless
♪ Don't just try things...

This is bullshit!

Come on, God,

show me a spot!

[Heavenly chiming]

Glory, hallelujah!

[Snickering]

[Tires squealing]

[Horn honking] [She growls]

Oh, yeah.

You move that piece of crap
right now!

- Out!
- Who's talking?

God, is that you?

- It's me, you fucking little twit.
- Holy moly.

Lady, your lips don't move
when you talk. That is nuts.

You're like a ventriloquist
of your own face!

- Move the fucking car.
- Sorry, no can do.

You should use that handicapped space over
there. The way you look, no one will say shit.

- Don't mess with me.
- I am warning you!

I think it's a little late to be worried
about people messing with you.

- The damage is done, lady.
- Ha ha ha ha.

Fucking little shithead. Idiot.

Who the fuck do you think
you are?

Yeah, asshole.
I'm talking to you.

You fucking deaf, or what?

Now get the fuck out of here.

You weren't built for illegal
underground kickboxing!

You are nailing it, mister.

Yo, Simon, did I just hear
you say you're nailing some guy?

Yeah, your father,
and he loves it.

- Joke's on you.
- My dad's dead. Booyah!

No, I was going over lines
from an audition I had this morning.

I'm up for the role of Thug #6.

- Pow!
- Thug #6? Did they see your heads hot, brother?

Lick me, Tommy. I was awesome.

And I'm going to get a callback.

- Gentlemen.
- Hey, Josh. What's going on?

What are you doing here,
Joshua? I thought

your lady was taking you out
for your birthday tonight.

Yeah, she is.

Look, guys, I'm glad
you're both here, because...

Oh, hey, I'm glad
you're here too, buddy.

You guys are about
to bask in the glow

of my new crotch-soaking plates.
Huh? Huh?

"STD muffin"?

- No, dude. "Stud muffin."
- I don't think so.

Yeah. If that's what you wanted, you should
have put the U in the first word. See?

Like anybody would get
"muffin" from "MFN"? Come on!

- They would.
- They wouldn't, Simon!

Yeah, they would. And why didn't
you just use two U's, anyway? Bro,

you're allowed eight characters.
We went through this last year

- with your "hug dick" plates...
- "Huge dick"! They say

- "huge dick"!
- Relax.

Nobody's judging you.
You want to hug huge dicks

or whatever, you go right ahead.
But I think you ought to let

- those dudes know about your STD, OK, muffin?
- Yeah, Tommy. It's only fair.

Fuck you guys.

Well, that's...

Well, this is
pretty last-minute.

Well, how bad is it?

Well, I mean, just on a scale of
one to 10, how bad is your diarrhoea?

Ten. All right, well, you know
what? It was an inverted scale,

so that means you're fine!
So get down here right...

Well, I... OK, OK, OK.

But would you consider
wearing Depends?

How is that degrading?
Astronauts wear them!

Oh, so what? So you're better than an
astronaut? Is that... [Knocking at door]

- All right, OK, fine. Bye. - Godfrey? You got a second?
- Josh, I'm so glad to see you.

You didn't have any of those
chicken wings last night, did you?

No, I don't like chicken wings.

Well, that's crazy,
but I'm glad to hear it.

- Look...
- Yeah, I told them to throw

those things out eons ago,
but nobody listens to me.

And now I've got half my staff
out with their asses

gushing shit like
an out-of-control fire hose.

- That's really graphic. I didn't need to know that.
- I know you aren't scheduled

to work tonight, but could you do me a
solid? Huh? Come on. You can be first off.

And, and I'll throw in the meal. What
do you say? You know? Anything.

I mean, obviously not the
lobster. You know, or the steak.

You know, I'm thinking,
like a hamburger. You know,

- chicken strips. A potato.
- Godfrey, I.

[Phone ringing]
Yeah, hold that thought.

Hello, Ranch Steakhouse.

Big city place,
big country taste. How are...

What the fuck?

No, that's not OK!

No, you can't just... You have
to give someone some advanced

warning on this! No, I...
It's not acceptable!

I won't stand for it! Huh?

Fine. All right,
that's a good point.

Josh... the Germans are coming.

- That's never good.
- No. It's always terrible.

Yeah. The German company
that bought the restaurant,

they're... they're... they're sending
someone over from head office to audit us.

To audit us! I need
to ace this audit.

- Godfrey, honestly...
- You know, and you're my ace waiter. I can't ace this audit

without my ace waiter.
I need you to help me ace.

Look, I'm not going to beg,
but please. Please, please.

- Please. Please, please, please, please.
- That's pretty much begging.

- No, it's just really intense asking.
- Mm, but they're similar.

- Please. Please do this for me.
- I have a baby on the way.

- Another one? Really?
- I know. I know!

And my in-laws are Asian.
They are so judgmental, Josh.

You're fucking working?

Just until the end of the dinner rush.
I'll be off by eight o'clock, guaranteed.

No. No, just walk away
right now!

Jenny, I can't leave
my friends in the lurch.

- I have to do this. Then I'm out the door forever, I promise.
- Eight o'clock, Josh.

- Not a second later!
- Halo Grill is two blocks

from here. I'll be there
as soon as I can.

Eight o'clock,
eight o'clock, eight o'clock!

Aww! How is that even possible?!

♪♪♪
[Kitschy music]

- Ugh, Jesus! What died in here?
- Ha ha! You like that, huh?

Say goodbye to the last
of those chicken wings. Ba-kaw!

- How are you even standing?
- Guts of steel, brother.

I could swallow the Ebola virus and
not get sick. Nice outfit, by the way.

- Oh, shut up.
- I couldn't say no.

Yeah, God forbid you actually
have to spend time with your girlfriend.

I don't know where you're
going with this, but I'm really

not in the mood for one
of your lectures, OK Tommy?

- OK, all right, say no more.
- You're the boss.

Oh! What are you doing? Don't
touch me in the bathroom, Tommy!

- It's weird!
- Yeah. Get in there. Think you can just shut me up,

just like that?
Don't you know me?

I told you: I don't want to hear it!
I'm dealing with enough shit today!

Yep. Well, you're going to have to
deal with a little more. Look behind you.

That's a sweet corn torpedo,
my friend.

God, Tommy,
what is your problem?

You! You are my problem!

You think you and Jenny are
this great couple? Think again!

When was the last time you said
anything nice about her, huh?

- Wha...
- When you first started working here, you used to rattle on

about Jenny:
"Oh, Jenny this, Jenny that."

We all thought you were
a fucking pole smoker, dude!

- Just open the door!
- And another thing:

- You avoid seeing her.
- What? No I don't! - Yes you do.

Just the other day, I caught you
lying to Jenny on the phone

about having to work late when you
were actually watching goddamn TV!

It was the playoffs!

- Please, man!
- It was the WNBA finals.

Oh, yeah.

Well, so what? I mean, what does
any of this prove, anyway?

It proves that you've got
to stop being

such a goddamn chickenshit
and ride... the... bull!

- You and that bull, Tommy!
- Enough!

No! Trust me, man.

I know what I'm talking about,
all right?

One ride on that baby, and you
will finally have the man-balls

to dump that miserable whore
and accept who you really are.

Face it: You're one of us now.

There.

I said what I had to say.
Come to Papa.

Just looking out for you, dude.

- Well, don't.
- Nobody asked you to.

And besides, I don't need to be thrown off
some poorly constructed mechanical deathtrap

to know that I've got my
priorities completely messed up.

- What? You think I actually want to be a waiter?
- Yeah, I do. You love this job.

You're crazy.

And your breath smells
like a homeless man's dick.

That's the last time I give
your dad a blow job. Boom!

Tommy one, Josh...

Oh, shit! It does stink.

Aw, no cups again?
Son of a bitch!

Oof! Ow!

Ha ha ha! Booyah, biatch!

And here we have our famous

wall of wagon wheels.

And, oh, something I think
you'll find interesting:

This is an actual yoke
from an oxcart from a...

Howdy, partners.

And right over here, we have a
lot of museum-quality exhibits...

- He speaks with a scary accent.
- I know.

No, Owen, boo-boo. You can't
make movies in the bathroom.

That's the babysitter's
private time.

No, baby, you can't put it
on the internet, OK?

Listen up: I wuv you. Bye.

Ugh. Lucky fucking me.
Not only do I get called in

on my day off,
but I have to work

- with you whiny little bitches.
- Wow. Nice, Barb.

Why don't you save some of that
tough talk for your kids, huh?

Please, asshole, do not tell
me how to raise my children.

And if you come near me with
one of those fart-fist fucking things,

- I will cut your dick off.
- It's called a cuppy.

Is it? Move, sister.

Oh, hairy tainted balls.
Look at this. This is it?

This is going to be a total
shit show! Who is hosting?

Oh, Jesus, no.

- Hi, y'all!
- [All]: Hi, Chrissy.

OMG. I hope
you guys are enjoying

your F-to-F, because tonight is
going to be totally OTH.

We've got mega-rezzies,
plus it's a Saturday.

TGIS, right?

Uh, Chrissy, why is the name
"Alex" written next to mine?

Hello! PSA:

Green grease pencil means
trainee. He starts at 6:30.

What? No, I can't train someone. I've
got to be out of here as soon as possible.

Oh, hey, no. Don't look at me. Until that
lawsuit's settled, I can't train anyone.

Relax. I'll take him. I like having
first dibs on new meat, anyway. Rawr.

What does it matter who takes him?
No one's getting out of here anytime soon.

And who is the freak
with the man-purse?

Oh, yeah, it's one of our new
German commandants.

What do you think
he's saying to Godfrey?

"And zis is where ve vill put ze firing
squad. And over here, ze gas chamber.

And over here, I'm sinking
of putting a nice garden."

Franz, can I introduce you
to these happy campers here?

This is our serving staff.
Everyone,

a big welcome for Franz.

Franz, maybe I could have
a moment with the staff here.

And perhaps you'd like
to inspect our kitchen.

Yes. I am very interested
in your ovens.

- [Barb]: Are you?
- Come on.

Shut up! I know. Shut up.

Come on, guys. I need you
to help me out here, all right?

I know no one is happy about Heindschlap
Industries taking over the company, you know?

Especially in light of the recent
scandal. Tonight is a big night.

We can't have any mistakes.
No big mistakes.

And I am not singling Tommy out.

Now, we all know what happened when they
audited the King Street location, right?

And could that happen here?
Yeah, that could happen here.

Is it gonna happen here? No, it is not
gonna happen here. You know why?

Because we are Ranchers, and
I know that if we work together

as a team, there is nothing
this night can throw at us

that we can't handle.
Am I right?

Huh? 'Cause if not,
then I... I'm going to take

one of those rifles down off the
wall, and I'm going to just

Kurt Cobain it, right here in
the middle of the dining room.

And I will just end it
right here, just

boom! Blam! And I'll get your
attention first so you're looking.

And you will live with that
image for the rest of your lives.

And you know how much
I'm joking? This much!

Just this much!

Don't make me joke less than
that. I mean, when these touch,

it's not joking anymore.
All right?

So who's with me tonight? Who's
on my side? Who's a Rancher?

- Who's a Rancher tonight?
- Yes! Yes, Godfrey! - Yeah, OK.

- That's fine.
- Giddy up.

Ah, that was inspiring.

I'm... so filled
with confidence now.

Godfrey, come see this.

Ah. Yes, Franz?

- What do you see?
- Uh...

It is a dirty oven.

I'm watching you, Godfrey.

Whew.

- Thanks, Diego.
- I knew you'd have my back.

♪♪♪

Hi, y'all!

Hi, y'all!

Hi, y'all!

Hi, y'all.

[Clanging] Stampede!

Ranch Steakhouse. Big city...
Please speak up... Please hold.

Ranch Steakhouse.
Big city... Please hold.

- Faster. Faster!
- I'm going as fast...

Cosmos now? Really?

- Pick up! - Just relax.
- All right!

I told them there wasn't
enough staff. You will move!

- St. Lucia. St. Lucia!
- Out of my bar! - Please. Please.

Five minutes.

- Oh, my God.
- Great.

This is in violation
of policy. Take it down.

Put this up.

♪♪♪

- All right, Franz.
- Get back. Get back! Thank you very much. Get back.

- No, no. No, no, no, sir. Not you. Not you.
- Chrissy.

- Party of eight, Josh.
- Party?! No, no. No party.

- They're standing right there!
- Party? Party!

♪♪♪

Nein, nein, nein, nein!

- Godfrey!
- Hey, Mexico!

Learn how to read, amigo!
I need fries with the ribs,

and I need a baked potato with
the chicken! Let's go, let's go!

- There. Are you happy now?
- Stop! Stop!

Stop it! Stop it! No! No!

It's a dirty potato!
It's a dirty potato!

I deny you! I deny you!

- Put the potato back!
- I will not!

[Yelling]

"Dirty potato."

Our hostess will be
right with you gentlemen.

- Oof!
- Oh! So sorry. My fault.

- No, no. It's me.
- I'm in my own world.

Oh, um...

Wow. I'm usually
much better at this.

Me too. I walk around people
all the time.

Uh, table for one?

- Jo shy. There you are.
- I just sat you again.

It's Donnie and Edna.
Sorry, you were up.

Hiya. I'm Chrissy.
Can I help you?

Yeah. I'm here to see Godfrey. I'm
Alexandra Wells. I'm starting today.

- Oh, you're Alex! You betcha. Let me find him for you, OK?
- Oh. OK.

It's my first day.

No, sweetie,
we talked about this.

No, you can't keep putting
Sprinkles in the dryer.

Well, because
it makes kitty sick!

Yes, remember? Remember Bunny?

All right. All right, honey.
Please, just do me a favour:

You and your brother let him
out, OK? OK. All right.

Oh, shit.
Mommy's gotta go, sweetie.

- Simon, you back here?
- Can I please have... - Whoa!

[Groaning in pain]

Careful. Floor's wet.

- Fuck you, Barb.
- Is anybody gonna help me?

♪♪♪

- Why are the Akbars shaking their heads?
- Oh, what do they know?

Actually, I think
one of them is a doctor.

I told you.

- Whatever.
- On three. One, two...

[Groaning loudly]
Ooh, I think I got it!

I knew it.

I knew it.

Agh, this is nasty.
When did this become acceptable?

Mm.

Eww, Tommy, gross!

If anything's nasty,
it's dish-pit dining.

Dude, what are you talking
about, man? This plate is

from table 34. And that chick?
Smoking hot.

What does that have to do
with anything?

Dude, it has everything to do
with it, man. If I can picture

myself playing tongue-ilingus
with her, her food: Fair game.

Hmm. Actually,
that's a good theory.

Mmm.

Did you see her boyfriend's ass?

Yum! Oh.

Joshua, Barb says if you want
your trainee back, no probby,

she's yours.

- What? Thank you.
- What? Why are you smiling?

Yes, Alex is a she. So what?
I'm only taking her back because.

Godfrey assigned her to
me. She's my responsibility.

Oh, she's your respon...

Bullshit, man! I know what you're
fucking doing. It's a bad idea. All right?

You're going to go through
the same thing with this girl

that you're going through with Jenny. Girls
our age, they're not good for us, man.

They're all fucking full
of agendas. It's all hassle.

So, what, I should be going
after Teenie boppers like you?

Pfft! Teenie boppers? Josh,
where have you been, brother?

They're so old-news, man.

First of all,
they're lousy in bed.

And second of all, they all have
fucking severe ADD.

I was banging this one tart
two weeks ago.

She was fucking Tweeting
the whole time, man!

She's: "Oh. Now he's behind me.
Oh. Now he's on top of me. Oh.

Tommy, can you stop
so I can press Enter?"

Fuck that shit, man!
My new obsession is

a little older
and a whole lot wiser:

Middle-aged moms.

Huh? Huh?

- And I'm done.
- And I'm not talking your standard hot cougars

either, man. I'm talking,
like, mom jeans, you know?

Tucked-in blouses.

And super-magnificent,
fully formed,

apple-round gunt.

"Gunt"?

- Yeah, man. Yeah.
- It's that super-sexy

- area, you know, where the gut meets the...
- Whoa, whoa, I get it.

Cunt.

And when it comes to the cock,
these are the ladies that know their shit.

And they do it all, man. I'll be grazing
anal all day long, and they fucking love it!

- That's very poetic.
- I know, right?

The way I see it, we came out
of these lovely ladies.

Isn't it about time
we came in them?

- Hi, y'all!
- Hi.

Two adults, five kids, please.

Uh, so three adults
and four kids.

- No, two plus five. Can't you hear me?
- Kids are 12 and under, so...

He's 12. You're 12, right?

- I need a drink.
- Me too.

That's cute. That's real cute.

Right this way.
Oops. Watch the candies.

Oh! OK, let's cut
this silliness.

Oh, God, no.

Don't turn left.
Don't turn left!

- Don't turn right!
- Don't turn right!

We're going to try
over there, OK?

Roundy-round, here we go.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, keep going,
Chrissy. Daddy likes that.

Oh, yeah!
Yeah, Daddy likes that!

- Keep going. - Oh, hey, Josh, Josh. OK.
- Either you or me, partner.

Well, I hope it's you, Barb. I
mean, you're so good with kids.

- Mm-hmm.
- Ow!

OK. I think I'm going
to put you guys over here, OK?

If you can just pry
your little hands off me there.

- Shit!
- Justice.

- Miss, excuse me.
- We like these two tables better.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's wrong with the table?
Don't not like the table. Love the table!

- Oh. Oh! Crossing the aisle.
- Crossing the aisle!

- Sorry, Joshua. Happy birthday.
- Have some crayons.

Don't forget
the free refills, buddy.

I am so fucked.

Vas?

You, follow me!

- What are you doing?
- I... I...

What are you doing?

Why did you
just say that... that word?

- I didn't mean for you to hear it.
- Me?! It's not about me.

It's about your guests.
They are paying good money

to have an evening out, yeah?

And they shouldn't
have it ruined by some

swearing waiter!
Isn't that right, Godfrey?

- Yeah. Yes.
- Yes, Franz, that is right.

That is definitely,
definitely right.

You, Josh, of all people,
should know better.

Shame on you.

You know, I am in fact
quite disappointed in you.

I handpicked you to train our
new hire tonight. Alex! Alex, wait.

Yes, I hand-picked you to train
Alex tonight. But you know what?

I don't want you
poisoning her mind.

- Poisonous.
- With your poisonous

bad attitudes. For the rest

of the night, Alex,
you're going to be

- trained by Barb.
- Yeah.

- Off you go.
- [Franz]: Beat it.

I understand you weren't
scheduled to work tonight,

- but too bad.
- Yeah, too bad.

Yes. You said yes, and here
you are, and here you'll stay.

And if that means you have
to stay here till the bitter end

tonight... then so be it!

You got me, son?

Yeah, got it.

- Get out of here! Hit the rail!
- Back to work.

- Giddy up!
- Well, whew,

- I'm really... I'm so sorry you had to witness that.
- I loved it.

Yep, 12 and under, that's right.

OK, thank you very much.
Bye bye.

- Hi, y'all!
- Yeah, hi.

Is Josh Stein working tonight?
I'm a friend of his.

You betcha Deputy Josh is on
duty. Do you want to talk to him?

No, no, no, no. The "Deputy" doesn't know that
I'm in town, and I'd love to surprise him.

Is there any chance that me and my
"posse" here could sit in his section?

Well, his section's mostly full,
and I just sat him a party, so...

Well, maybe
this will change your mind.

Just put us
in his fucking section.

Party of three, right?

- Yeah.
- OK.

Thank you.

Dude, what's up your butt? You
know, besides buckets of spunk.

Not now, Tommy. My agent
just called. I didn't get the part.

- They said I didn't come off straight enough.
- Or at all?

- Thanks for the support, Tommy.
- Come on! Stop being such a girl, OK?

Shit, sorry, dude!
Look, I can't help myself!

Thirty-three, thirty-four,
thirty-five, and then it skips

to 40 along the tables, right?

So 40 through 45. Not bad, huh?

- Wow. She can count.
- Parents must be very proud.

Hey, Jo shy. Looks like
you've got Donnie and Edna too.

Hi! Yoohoo, Josh!

- Here we are!
- Yeah, I'm a lucky guy.

- Aren't you, though?
- Who are they? Regulars?

World's worst: All work, no pay.

Ow. Jeez, ow.

Hi! Remember me? The one
with the low blood sugar.

- How could I forget, Edna?
- Edna! You remember my name!

I'm very flattered.
Oh, my goodness.

Now, we're a little hungry.
I know you're very busy,

but we have been sitting here
for a while. So if you could

just, like, just hang here
for a second

I just have to run this bread, and then
I'll be right back to take your order, OK?

Oh. Well, no,
we're not ready to order yet.

What we would like is a basket of that
lovely bread. But not those crappy rolls.

We like a French stick,
don't we, Donnie? And,

if you have a second, we've got
some questions about the menu.

You eat here twice a week. You
know as much about the menu as I do.

Well now, what about substitutions?
Can we make substitutions?

- You always do.
- What did he say, Donnie?

I... I said it's up
to you, young lady.

Young... Oh, you're so cute!

Now, just before you go, I just
want to ask one more question.

The minced steak, is that sirloin chopped
down or is that roast beef chopped down?

Because there's a big
difference, you know.

- Yes.
- Yeah. Is it? OK, so... And does it have gravy?

- Does it have gravy?
- Yeah, of course, it has gravy.

- OK. They make the gravy here, do they?
- It's here now.

Still! Vas is that?

- Oh, it's apple juice. It's sort of a character...
- Let me smell it.

- It's just apple juice.
- Put it down!

Agh. Single?

Chrissy, you dumb fu...

You!

Me.

[Spurs jangling]

Listen, lady. Are you
still angry? I can't tell.

- Your expression never changes.
- That's it.

I'm going to complain.

You know what? You should. That doctor
definitely has "some esplaining to do".

No, I am going to complain
to your manager.

- And you should.
- He is right over...

- Say it! Say it!
- I am... proud.

"I am proud to be part
of Heindschlap Industries!"

- There. You know what?
- On second thought, I apologize

for my rude behaviour.
Allow me to make it up to you.

Ha! That's not possible.

Look, whatever I said before...

- Sir!
- Yes. Yes, Franz.

- Sir!
- Come on! Stop being such a bi... ah...

- All right, listen! I'm kidding!
- Yoohoo! Yoohoo! Oh, come here. Come here.

Where are you looking? It's a customer.
It's a customer. Go to the customer.

- I will... OK, I will...
- Godfrey, put it down!

- OK. Thank you, Franz. I'll be right back.
- OK, OK, lady.

Drinks are on me, OK? And... I'll
give you my undivided attention.

I'll do anything!

Hey.

Howdy, ma'am. Can I help you?

I... would just like to say

that this waiter

is lovely.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- That's certainly a lovely comp...

That is a lovely compliment.

- Thank you for bringing that to my attention.
- Uh-huh.

- You keep up the good work.
- Yes, sir.

Bye.

You really saved my ass.

Get me a goddamn martini,
right now.

Right away.

And put a straw in it.

- Sorry about that, Franz.
- Just a satisfied customer

wanting to express
her satisfaction with the

- service.
- Godfrey, may I speak to you in the office, please?

Of course, Franz. Of course.

- Stop it.
- It's my drawing! Let go!

So that's three chuck wagon
chicken fingers, three prairie

dogs, and two highfalutin'
prime ribs.

Uh-oh. I made a spill.

Oh, uh-oh. I made a spill too.

Those cups are horrible
for children.

- Look how easily they tip over!
- I know. I'm sorry. - Kids,

why don't you go and wash up? And when you
come back, the waiter is going to take you

- to ride on the bull.
- [Kids]: Yay!

Yeah, the bull's actually for
birthday boys and girls only, so...

- Yeah. It's their birthday...
- All of them.

- Hmm?
- And we want cake. And singing.

And another drink.

[Slow clapping]

What is the little one's name
again?

- Very good.
- That was well handled.

- Sorry, gentlemen. I didn't see you there.
- Ah. No worries, Deputy Josh.

It's exciting for us to see such an important
lawman dispensing his own brand of justice.

And by "justice", I mean fries.

- [Guys laughing] - Uh, have we met?
- Oh, I don't think so.

Well, we clearly run
in different circles.

I'm what you cowpokes would call
a "city slicker".

- [Guys laughing]
- Waiter?

Waiter! Hurry!
The table is soaked!

Josh? Josh? We just have a
few more questions about the menu.

Bring us a bottle of your best
champagne when you return.

See, tonight is a celebration.

I just landed a plum residency
at St. Jude's. Gynecology.

That's right: I'm going to be
elbow-deep in 'Gina all day

and getting paid for it.

- Boom.
- Pssh!

♪♪♪

That is Belvedere vodka, ma'am... one
of our finest vodkas available.

Toots, I know Belvedere,
and that is not Belvedere.

I saw the bartender pour it
myself, ma'am.

- Hm. I'll get you another.
- And hurry up.

So, Deputy Josh.

Do you have yourself a cowgirl,
or are you just a lone ranger?

[Guys laughing]

Yes, I've got a lady. We've
been together for four years.

Four years. Huh.

That's about the same length
of time it takes for someone

to go to medical school,
isn't it?

Oh, I got it.

It's Chaz, right?

Chase. But feel free
to call me Dr. Van Haver.

Yeah, you're Jenny's ex.

- Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, Jenny...
- Oh! Yes, Jenny Brooks.

Sure, I remember her.
Well, actually, of course I do.

I mean, we had dinner together
just last Tuesday.

[Camera clicks]

Nice.

Oh, you didn't know.

Well, don't worry. We were just
catching up on old times.

By the way she was talking,
I pegged you for a real loser.

But now that we've met, I can see
that, well, she was being a little harsh.

Not only are you a nice guy, but I
can tell you are one hell of a waiter.

- Do you know what you want?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I want you
out of the picture.

I'm back in town. I'm looking
to pick up where I left off.

So why don't you do the right
thing and ride your loser ass

off into the sunset?

- [Cork popping]
- Ow!

[Guys laughing]

Thank you, Deputy Josh.

Out with the old,
in with the new, huh, Franz?

Well,

I guess you won't be
needing this anymore.

[Fizzling out]

That was disappointing.

We've really got to stop
watering the booze.

Godfrey! Godfrey, I need

- to talk to you, right now!
- Occupied...

- Like Poland.
- Godfrey, I'm not kidding.

- This is important.
- Don't care! I'm busy.

- Go away.
- No! I'm not leaving! Not until you talk to me.

- Mm-hmm.
- Wait, no, I am leaving! That's what I came to tell you.

I'm leaving, and I'm not coming
back. You hear me?

[Electricity zapping]

Hey... Hey!

Godfrey?

Godfrey?

Are you OK?

Aw, come on!

[Talking at once]

- What's going on?
- I have got orders to put in!

He's rebooting the system. It'll be up
in a minute. Just give him some space.

- What's the problem?
- This is unacceptable.

I hear you, Franz. But you bought a
company with 10-year-old computer systems.

- Stuff like this happens.
- What are you talking about, moron? We just...

Hey, Barb! Why don't you stop talking for a
minute and take Franz here into the dining room?

I'm sure we have guests
who could use a reassuring word

from someone with your obvious
people skills, huh?

Franz, why don't you come with
me? We'll put out some fires, buddy.

What? There's a fire?

So here's the lowdown:
Uh, what are you doing here?

I don't want to miss this.

OK. Guys, Alex. Alex, Guys.

- Hi. - Yeah. How's it going?
- OK. The door's locked,

he's lying on the ground, and
there's a bottle in his hand.

- Oh, God. Is he alive?
- Well, I think he's breathing,

but damn it, I'm a server,
not a physician!

- Should I call an ambulance?
- No, no, no. If we do that, Franz will fire his ass.

We just need to find a way
to discreetly get in there,

check on him, and get the system
up and running again.

- OK. But how?
- The skylight. We can come in through the skylight. Remember

when those kids broke in last year and took a
dump on every table? That's how they got in.

- I thought you were the one...
- There's no proof.

Guys, task at hand.

We can't get in through
the skylight without a rope.

Actually...

[All]: Hmm.

♪♪♪

OK, for the record,
drawing straws is bullshit.

Hurry up!

Dude, don't rush us,
all right? These lights are

more tangled
than an Asian girl's bush!

- Tommy, not in front of the lady!
- No, it's OK. Strangely enough,

- I was thinking the same thing.
- Whoops!

- Oh, God! Hold up!
- Oh, this ain't right. Oof.

Just a sec. I got it!

- Seriously?!
- Yep, they work!

Guys...

Hey. Is that you, Jesus?

You know what? You know,

you look a lot like this guy
that works for me...

Except, of course, he's Jewish.

It is me, Godfrey. And Jesus
was Jewish too, so you know.

That's funny, Jesus.

All right. He's not dead,

although I might be if any more
blood rushes to my head.

OK, I almost have it.

- Whoa! Whoa!
- Oh, shit!

[Retching and coughing]

- Ew! Oh, God! Oh, God, that's gross!
- Ugh!

[Tommy]: Dude,
lay off the guacamole!

The sucker is fried.

Ugh, I still have the image
in my head.

Stop being such babies
and get down here.

Godfrey. Godfrey, wake up.

- How are you feeling?
- Uh...

Ugh. Did I puke?

Uh, yeah, you did.

Oh, yeah, I can still taste it.

OK, Godfrey,
what's going on with you?

Josh, do you know what 20 years

of dedicated service
to Ranch Steakhouse gets you?

- Do you?
- Is it the horseshoes?

- No, it's a kick in the balls.
- You want to see?

- Your balls? Not particularly.
- No, Josh! Not my balls.

No, this. Read that.
Read it. Go on. Read.

[Sighing]

You know what? I wanted to own
my own restaurant, you know?

I did, I did. I had
all these big plans, you know?

This job was just supposed
to be temporary. But I got

I got stuck.

You know how I got stuck?
It's all 'cause, you know what?

First comes love,
then comes marriage,

then comes one horny night when
you screw up all your dreams

by convincing your wife
that pulling out is

an effective means
of birth control.

Idiot.

Don't get stuck, Josh.
Don't you get stuck.

No, you,
you live the dream, Josh.

You live the dream.

Oh, that was close.

- Yeah, really.
- That was close.

- What... No. Godfrey?
- Godfrey, wake up.

You have to get back out
into the restaurant.

♪♪♪

Good idea.

I wouldn't want to be here
for this either.

♪♪♪

- Where have you been?!
- OK, I quit. I'm done.

- Congratulations.
- Your new life starts tonight.

Hey, this is kind of like
a Romeo & Juliet-type thing.

- Ugh, I hate that movie.
- Come on, get up here.

Hey, uh, random question, but

do you remember what you did
last Tuesday night?

Tuesday? No, I don't remember.

Why? What does it matter?

Let's just enjoy the night.

It matters because
I happened to run into.

- [All]: Surprise!
- What is this?

- Happy birthday, Jim.
- Happy birthday, Jim.

- Happy birthday!
- Blow them out.

But it says... OK.

- [Cheering]
- Come on.

Who the hell are
all these people?

- They're our friends, Josh.
- People I work with.

You've met them before. Anyway,
you'll be seeing a lot more

of them now that you're
not working nights.

- Guess who.
- Pop?

Happy birthday.

Can you believe it?
My boy is 25!

Well, not until midnight,
officially.

Which is also officially
the end of Josh's three years

- of working.
- I remember, Jenny, of course.

If Josh still wants
to be a lawyer,

I'm willing to pay
for everything now.

Ah! Oh, my God,
the day is finally here!

Sam, thank you so much.
Josh can't wait to go back

- to school. Can you, Jo shy?
- Well, he was always a great student,

especially in English.
He loved creative writing.

- Do you still write at all, son?
- Oh, he's been writing

this blog about the restaurant, but that's
all over and done with now, thank God.

- You knew about my blog?
- Are you

I saw it on your computer, but I never read it.
It's not like it was paying the bills, right?

- Mmm, no.
- Sorry to interrupt, Jim.

Jenny, is there any food
coming out, or...?

They haven't come around
with more trays yet?! God,

these waiters have been
dragging their asses all night!

Whoa, let's not jump to conclusions.
It's busy, and I don't see a lot of them

on the floor. Besides, could be
the kitchen is backed up.

- You never know, Jen. You've just got to give people a break.
- OK, OK. Relax.

- You quit. Enough.
- Well, what is that supposed to mean?

It means I'm sick of you
fighting for the rights

of every pathetic schlub
who pours you a coffee.

You're not one of them anymore;

You're one of us now.

Hey

why don't you open the present?

Uh, I'm going to wash up
and cool off.

I'll open it when I get back.

- Jim? Who the fuck is Jim?
- So, what did you get him?

It's... for him.

Face it: You're one of us now.

You're not one of them
anymore; You're one of us now.

I am very interested
in your ovens.

What?

- Where's Joshua?
- Have you seen him?

Not since the office, brother. I've been
taking some of his tables. Man, are they shit!

- Ugh, this night is pure hell.
- Achtung!

Uh, listen up, listen up.

Um, in case you do not know,

Godfrey is in violation

of Heindschlap Industries'
policy. He is fired.

- What?
- And unless

you want the same fate,
you will do as I say.

I am in charge now.

Now, we have many hungry guests,

and you will serve them
in an efficient manner.

Follow my orders,
and you will be successful!

Now, everyone, get back to work!
Schnell! Schnell!

- Beat it! Get in there!
- No! Everyone stay

right where you are!
This meeting's not over.

You! You are the one that lied
to me. You are fired too. Go home.

Just shut your Von Trapp,
Franz. I've heard enough yelling

out of you for a lifetime.
Tommy, can you? Please?

- What are you doing?
- Let go of me!

Look, before you all rush off to do
your jobs with unfaltering dedication,

I think you deserve to know
something: We're all about to get fired!

- What?!
- That's not true.

In two weeks, our new German owners
are shutting us down for renovations.

And when they reopen,

we all have to re-interview
for our jobs.

- Fucking Germans!
- I just saw it all laid out in a memo

from head office. Even Godfrey has to
re-interview. That's why he's gone all crazy.

- What? - Fucking Germans!
- This is standard procedure.

If you are good at your jobs, there's nothing
to worry about! Nothing, nichts! Relax!

OK, Franz, see, that's what
all these guys are worried about.

Hey, Oldy-locks. If I were
you, I'd be worried most of all.

They're not just looking
for fresh paint;

They're looking for fresh faces, which means
your geriatric ass will be the first to go!

- [Franz]: Not necessarily.
- Well, what do you want us to do, Josh? Just walk out?

I mean, we can't do that!

That's a sure way
to guarantee we all get fired!

- Yeah!
- We're all getting fired anyway!

The only question is
do we go out as chumps,

- or do we go out with a little dignity?
- What are you thinking, Joshua?

I'll tell you what I'm thinking.

I'm thinking
tonight is our night.

- [Franz]: Nein, not tonight.
- Tonight is a bad night.

For one night, let's not put up
with the usual customer bullshit.

For one night, let's dish out

- what we get dished!
- Nein, nein, nein, nein!

I will not let you ruin the name of
Heindschlap Industries! I will stop it!

Ruin the good name
of Heindschlap?

Please, I'm pretty sure
that went out the out the window

when those kids in Michigan were
born with two heads.

- Michigan?
- That was not our fault.

Well, that's up for the jury
to decide. In the meantime,

Tommy, can you lock this
sour Kraut in the liquor room?

I have Heindschlap Industries
behind me!

Be careful! Jesus!

[Grunting with effort]

Ah!

Get in there!

Yeah!

- Are you OK?
- Feisty little fucker.

All right, people.

We're servers, not servants.

And we're staring
into a wide-open

window of opportunity here.
We're not going to be given

a chance like this again.
So I say,

for the rest of the night, don't
take any more... [Spraying]

Akbar? Akbar.

Could you give us a second,
dudes?

As I was saying,

for the rest of the night,
don't take any more crap!

No fake smiles,

no tucking our tails
between our legs.

Tonight, if some jackass wants
to come in here

and play big shot,
I say we bring him

back down to earth
in a real hurry!

- So who's with me?!
- [All]: Yeah!

- Power to the people!
- Viva la revolucion! - Yes!

- El pueblo unido jamás será vencido!
- What?

El pueblo unido jamás ser... In
Spanish, that saying kicks ass! Let's go!

- OK! Yeah!
- Kick ass!

- [Shouting and cheering]
- Kick ass!

Howdy, gentlemen. Deputy Josh at
your service. How y'all doing this evening?

Great! OK, well, I've got some
great dinner specials to tell you about.

But before I get into all that, how
about a drink to get you started.

Brewski? Glass of vino?

Circle jerk? Shot in the head?

Anything?

OK.

Your attention please!

It has begun.

♪♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh oh
whoa oh oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh whoa oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh oh oh oh
whoa oh oh oh oh ♪

♪ Whoa oh oh - Ugh!

- Oh no you didn't!
- You like to pinch, huh?

Ooh! Ooh! You'd better cut down on
those carbs! You've got junk in the trunk!

Hey, Puerto Rico! I still need
those appetizers for table 2!

- Tonight, we fight!
- Put these on!

♪ Do this and do that
to get our bodies movin' ♪

What are you doing?

- Hey cowboys and cowgirls.
- Hot plates coming through.

Very hot.
Fingers starting to blister.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! You think
I'm standing here for my health?

Move that shit out of the way!

Jeez!

♪ We can feel
our hearts beating ♪

♪ Come on let's let it out! ♪

♪ Because we're all
just skeletons ♪

- ♪ Our bones will never break.
- Ow! Ow.

- OK, trainee. Keep it up.
- Atta girl. That's it.

Keep going. No, no!
We're going this way!

- Ugh!
- Oh! Find your happy place.

♪ We got a place to go

Oh! Deputy Josh,
a round of waters.

- Sure thing, big spender.
- Jugs are right over there.

[Guys laughing]

Idiots! When I'M funny.

Cowpoke calamari and bootleg
bruschetta. Some people say "broo-SKET-ta".

- There you go.
- I ordered for you.

- What is this?
- We didn't order this!

Don't eat this!

♪ Whoa oh oh oh

♪ We can feel
our hearts beating ♪

If you guys want
to break the rules, fine.

You can all get fired
for all I care.

But I won't be any part of it.

Now remember, you're 12.

NITL!

Hi y'all! Can I help you?

Yes. One adult
and one kid, please.

- Sure. Oh, wait.
- Before I seat ya,

I gotta ask:
This "kid" got any ID?

Are you saying that I don't
know the age of my own daughter?

I'm saying get with the program.
Chicky here looks old enough to drive.

- I just passed my driver's test.
- Oh, really? LMFAO.

- What?
- "Laughing my fucking ass off."

What? Watch your mouth,
Ashley! Now listen,

Missy. You are really
trying my patience.

Give us a kids' menu
and seat us immediately.

- Not happening.
- The kids' menu is for parents

with children 12 and under.
It's not meant

for sorry-ass moms
who don't want to pay

full price for their teenage
daughter to eat.

You want McDonald's prices?
Go to freakin' McDonald's!

FML!

- [Man laughing]
- Tracy, dear, shh.

I know it was traumatic, but you
were never in any real danger.

I don't even keep bullets
in the house! Oh, no, no!

Please, please don't leave them
alone! I'll pay you dou...

This night is fucked.
Simon, we have to let Franz go,

OK? It is kidnapping.
It is a major felony.

- Shut up, Barb.
- I've got bigger problems.

[Laughing] You know what?

Watch this.

[Dialling]

Hello. Mr. Sarkofsky.

It's Simon from 11A.

Could you hold on a moment? There's
someone who wants to speak to you.

So I said to the guy, "Yes,
this is my boat. Yacht's it to you?"

You get it? I said "yacht"
instead of "what".

Sir? It's for you.

- It's for me? Who is it?
- It's my landlord.

I need you to explain to him exactly why
I'm going to be short on my rent this week.

I tried telling him you gave me
FIVE DOLLARS

on a $200 cheque,

but he simply doesn't
believe me.

I assumed with the way you were playing
with your Ferrari keychain all night

that maybe you could afford to
eat here. Clearly I was mistaken.

Hello?

I usually tip 20%, at least.

[Grunting with effort]

Well, hello, Fraulein.

Ah.

♪♪♪
[Club music]

Josh!

Josh, what are you doing
in there? Oh, my God.

Josh, what are you doing?

Josh!

Josh!

Josh?

- This seems cruel.
- Really? Unlike boiling it?

- OK, extra cruel, then.
- Look, it's got to look cooked, dude.

[Cell phone vibrating]

[Beep]

You just pressed ignore.

- Did I?
- Yes, you did.

- Can we do this thing?
- Ha ha ha! - Go!

Here we are. Mmm!

Never fresher. You can
practically smell the ocean!

Just get me another martini.

All right.

[Sniffing] Ah!

[Yelling] [Laughing]

[Yelling]

Oh, no!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

All right, you fucking
perky little missy.

I am telling my husband
about this place!

Great! Be sure to tell
your friends about us too.

No, no, no! Wait!

- You can't leave.
- Get your hands off me.

I am so sorry
about what happened back there.

Our cook, Diego, he's Cuban.
He's crazy.

- He does things like this. Please don't leave.
- Ha! I'm leaving.

I'm leaving!
And I am bringing back

an entire team of city officials

to close this place down.

- No. You can't go.
- Oh, I can't, huh? Why not?

Because you're

perfection.

Pfft! You're just saying that

so you can take another
knock at my face.

I don't care about this. It's
this heavenly handful of love

I'm talking about.

Are you crazy?

My husband hates that.
He says it makes me look

like a middle-aged mom.

- Oh...
- I have to get it taken off.

I'm going under the knife again
in two weeks.

No! No, no, no, no!

You can't rid yourself
of God's greatest gunty gift!

Are you fucking serious?

I've never been
more serious in my life.

♪ Babyyyyy

And for you, madam?

OK.

All righty. Yes?
And just say when.

Oh, I can see that you could use
some more water here.

I'll get my apprentice to get it
for you right away. Alex?

- I got it.
- Thank you, dear.

[Laughing]

Ah...

Carpal tunnel's really
setting in. That's all right.

I've got pills for that.

Hello again.

Hello to you. Are you enjoying
your first night?

You mean my last night?

Oh, I wouldn't count yourself
out just yet. You're new.

- You probably still have a chance of getting rehired.
- Unlike you?

- Yeah. I'm toast, for sure.
- So, now that you're fired,

what do you plan on doing
with your time?

Well, if this doesn't land me in jail...
which it might... I'm law-school-bound.

Wow. Law school.

Yeah. Well, I'd be there
already if my father didn't force me

to work for three years first.
He thinks it'll build

- character or something.
- That's really smart.

- Really? It always seemed kind of pointless to me.
- No,

not at all.

Jeez, I wish my parents had
slowed me down.

Maybe I wouldn't have wasted
the past few years of my life.

You know, I know you can't tell
by my bitchin' rhinestone shirt,

but up until a few weeks ago

- I worked at a big investment firm.
- Investment firm?

- Yeah.
- Man, that is terrible.

I don't blame you one bit for
being pissed at your parents.

Ha ha. I'm just saying,
you know, maybe if they'd

forced me to explore my options,
I would have

taken the time to find out
what made me truly happy.

- Which is what? This?
- Well, I don't know yet.

But I do know that the last time
I was truly happy,

I was waiting tables,
putting myself through school.

So I quit the firm,
came back here...

Oh, you're doing a hell
of a job. Get a fucking room!

- Yeah, that's my bad.
- She's like the weird uncle at Christmas. Just ignore her.

Tommy's getting ready. Who
do you have working the table?

- I was going to do it.
- No. He'll be on to you

in a second. We need someone
he won't suspect.

Well, he's gonna know
it's me anyway.

- Yeah, but he might not go for it if it's you.
- I can do it.

No way. You're not getting
involved in this one.

Besides, you don't even know
what we're talking about.

- I don't care.
- I'll take the risk.

Oh, I like this girl.

What are you looking at,
you bastards?

Stop looking at me!

I try and I try and try,
you dirty twat!

You're watching me
and you're judging me!

You want to see something now?
Want to see it,

you dirty swine?

♪♪♪

You're a very pretty girl.

What, no "thank you", no.

- "I appreciate the compliment"?
- Finished?

You're our third waiter
tonight. Where's Deputy Josh?

Coffee? Tea, anyone?

- Oh, I'll take you.
- Excuse me?

Well, aren't waitresses supposed
to say, "Coffee, tea, or me?" Because,

well, I would take you
in a heartbeat.

[Guys laughing]

- You've got the wrong girl.
- Well, that's a shame,

because you could have had
the right guy.

You skank!

You did that on purpose.

You touched me.

- [Guys laughing]
- Hey, shut up!

Shut up.

- Where are you going?
- It's time!

- Yeah. Change of plans.
- Something I gotta do.

- You take my place.
- No. I can't.

I don't have it in me,
not today. I'm too fragile.

This is your moment, Simon!

You were born for this.

It's your destiny.

[Heavenly chiming]

Gotta go.

Ahhh.

[Deep voice]: Nothing beats
a good piss.

Except for maybe pussy.

I sure do loves the pussy.

How about you, friend?
You like pussy?

- Sure, I guess.
- It beats the alternative.

I hear ya.

Cock...

Gross.

Had a little accident?

No, actually a waitress
spilled gravy on me... on purpose.

- Pff.
- [Normal voice]: Terrible.

[Deep voice]: A waitress,
of all people.

- Who does she think she is?
- Well, she's going to find out

who she is in a few minutes,
I can tell you that much.

Pff. Good man. Sock it to her.

Yeah.

You should make the restaurant
pay for a new pair.

Better yet, the waitress.

- Yeah, I think I will.
- That's a good idea.

What? What?

If you don't mind me
saying so, friend,

your breath could use
a freshening.

Smells like you already ate
some pussy.

[Chuckling]

Well, it smells fine to me.

OK, don't take my word for it.

But I'd stay clear of the ladies
tonight just the same.

What the fuck is wrong
with that guy?

Eh?

Well...

No cups. Tsk.

Three, two, one.

What the...?

[Gargling]

Oof!

- [Josh]: One, two, three! Ugh!
- [Laughing]

[Simon]: What does it look
like, guys?

[Josh]: It looks
like a douche bag in a dumpster.

[Laughing]

Ugh.

And they said
I couldn't play straight.

- Well, screw them.
- What do they know?

[Suspension squeaking]
[Grunting]

Who's that?

- [Tommy]: Oh, give me!
- Give me the gunt!

Give me the gunt! Gunty gunters!

- He went right up and over.
- How about you?

Hey, you're back. That's so nice of
you, considering you are my trainee!

- Barb, I'm sorry.
- And where the hell is Tommy? His tables are freaking out!

- He'll be back in a minute.
- He's just

- unloading something.
- Yeah, relax,

Barb. Stress is a killer
for women your age, right?

- Oh, lick me, you little shit.
- I'm not a transient

at this profession like the rest
of you. I have kids to feed.

You don't have kids;
You have animals.

- What did you just say to me?
- You heard me:

Your kids are animals.
Hell, I wouldn't

be surprised if they're throwing
feces at each other right now.

OK, that happened one time, OK?

- Uh, Barb, listen to yourself.
- You're not a mother;

You're a doormat. And you know, just because
you let your kids treat you like shit

doesn't mean you have to come in
here every day and take it out on us!

- Ow! Stop it. Mom, Dad...
- He started it first, not me!

Tell him to stop! Ow!

- Oh, yeah! Direct hit!
- Direct hit!

- You're such a baby! Mom!
- Ha ha! Ha ha!

OK! Shut those fucking kids
UUUUUUUUP!!

Look around you. Huh?

Can you not see that they are
disturbing the entire restaurant?

I know kids are
really a handful.

Believe me... ha ha! I know.

But you don't see me
taking my kids out in public.

Why not? Because I wouldn't
subject that shit show on anyone!

For fuck's sake!

The whole world shouldn't have
to suffer so that you two ass-clowns

can enjoy a nice evening out!
We are not your

goddamn babysitters! We

are waiters!

[Laughing]

[Josh]: Yeah! Go Barb!

You go, girl!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Coffee?

Good for her.

Some people are just
so clueless.

OK, where were we?
So we each had wine,

but you had an extra glass,
and I didn't have as much

of the appetizer
we were supposed to split,

and... oh! You did have a bite
of my entrée, so...

Darlene? Put

the calculator away
before I shove it up your ass.

- Andrea...
- Don't "Andrea" me.

Every time we go out, I somehow
end up paying more than you.

Really? I never realized.

- No, no, you realized.
- You're just a cheap whore.

Oh! I am not a whore.

- Come on. Come on.
- Bye. Thanks for coming.

- Don't come back soon.
- Robert!

- Way to go, Barb-a-licious!
- Thanks.

Nice work. Here's your medal.

- [Loud fart] - No! Tom...
- Yeah, baby! Yeah!

- Ugh! Fuck off!
- Oof!

Oh, no way!

That is your last cuppy, Tommy!

[Simon]: She got your bobber!

- My balls are numb.
- My balls are numb.

I can't see straight.
You almost killed me!

I still might.

It's tragic, but I guess this is
our last night as a team, eh, guys?

- Ah, don't worry, man.
- It's just a minor setback.

We're all going to find jobs
somewhere else. Hey, I hear.

- Doozie's is hiring.
- Doozie's?

I love their uniforms.
Ooh! I'm in.

- What about you, Joshua? - Ah, of course he's in.
- Nah, he's going to law school.

- Come on, partner.
- I feel a rant coming on!

Bye.

- What was she talking about?
- Well,

um... gentlemen,

I'm afraid it's time for
this cowboy to leave the Ranch

for good. I'm done.

Whoa, whoa. Reverse
those wagon wheels, brother.

What are you talking about?
You are not done.

- Yes, I am.
- In fact, the only reason

I even came in here tonight was
to quit.

- So you're just going to leave, and that's it?
- Well, I didn't want

to make a big deal of it.
I mean, come on,

this is a waitering job.
It's all just temporary.

So this really wasn't an all-for-one,
one-for-all type of scenario, was it?

I mean, you were already quitting, so it
was actually our jobs you were sacrificing.

Yeah, Joshua.

Not cool.

Hey, I didn't force anybody
to do anything.

I was just telling it
like it is.

Yeah, like it is for us,

not you.

♪♪♪

♪ How can a girl love a boy
who's so far away? ♪

I am so very sorry.

No, it's my bad. I should have
told them a long time ago.

So, why law school? Do
you really want to be a lawyer?

Sure. It's all I've ever wanted.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Say what you want,
but I simply do not believe

that being a lawyer is
what you really want to be.

We just met. How could
you possibly know that?

So being a lawyer is the one and only
thing that would make you truly happy?

That's not what I said.

- So what is it?
- What do you dream of doing?

It doesn't matter.

I'm going to law school,
and that's that.

So if it doesn't matter, then why don't
you tell me? Go. Fast. Tell me. Right now.

Don't think of anything else. Go.
Before you can think. Let's play this game.

- A writer.
- A writer?

- Yeah.
- That's great.

Ditch law school. You have to do that, or
you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

No. No, no, no, no. What
I'll regret is giving it a shot

and then finding out the hard
way that I'm not any good.

So what?

OK. Look, Alex,
I appreciate your enthusiasm,

but I'm having trouble
taking advice from someone

who quit her high-paying
finance job to wait tables.

Yeah, there's, um, there's
nothing wrong with waiting tables.

Really? You want
to end up like Barb?

Well, Your Majesty, let me just
fucking heat it up for ya!

Well, um, I could do with
being a little less bipolar,

and having better hair.

But no, there's nothing wrong
with what Barb does for a living.

Did you know
that in some countries,

being a server is a highly
distinguished position?

Well, I hate to break it to you, Alex, but
in good old North America, being a waiter is

equated with being
a flat-out failure.

Huh. Um...

Wow, you really have a way
with words.

[Shouting from within]

I'm a bad boy!

[Sobbing] Ah! I like that!

Blood. Sweet blood.

Oh! That's good! Yaaah!

I'm a bad boy! [Shouting]

You dirty bad boy!

Swine, you swine,
you dirty swine!

Dirty swine! [Yelling]

♪♪♪
[Rock music]

Does that seem odd?

Uh... What are you doing here?

How dare you! Do you know
how hard I worked to plan that party?

How could you just walk out
like that?

Now, Jenny, I'm sure
he has a good reason.

You do, son, right?

Uh... I thought I did.

That's it? That's your
excuse? "I thought I did"?!

Oh, my God. All I can say is it's a good
thing that you're through with this place,

because it's made you
into a total selfish jerk!

Speaking of selfish jerks, I got a
chance to finally meet Chase this evening.

That's her ex. Nice guy.

Stopped in here tonight
to burn a pentagram on my skull.

Oh, and tell me that he went
on a date with Jenny last week.

Ugh. It wasn't a date; It was dinner!
And the only reason I even went...

Besides the fact that he's actually free
at night... was because I wanted him to see

- how good I was doing. I wanted to brag about you.
- Maybe I just don't understand

the definition of the word
"brag", because according to him

- you said I was a loser.
- I never said you were a loser.

I just told him the truth:
That you were nearly 25,

didn't own a thing, and you worked as a waiter.
Can I help it if he got "loser" from that?

Well... you could have
at least told him I'm funny.

Sorry, it escaped my mind.
If I see him again, I'll tell him.

- [Door opening]
- Where's Josh Stein? You!

- Chase? - What are you doing here?
- What are you doing here?

- Well, there he is.
- Tell him I'm funny now. Oof!

- Oh, my God!
- Nice manoeuvre, you little shit! Get up!

- Hey! You leave my son alone!
- I'm going to kick your ass.

I don't think so, striped-shirt.

- Uh-oh. Another deputy.
- Whatever should I do?

You should shut your fucking
mouth, bitch! That's what you should do!

- You. - Hi there.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, no.

You've got your daddy and a bunch of
minimum-wage morons protecting you. I'm shaking

in my boots. Well, guys,

congratulations. You're
all stuck in nothing jobs,

living nothing lives,
amounting to absolutely nothing.

- Yeah, you're right!
- Now I'm going to pound your face

into nothing, so maybe we'll
have something in common, huh?

- Screw you.
- Screw me? Yaaaaai... - Hey, hey, hey, hey!

What the hell is going on?
Can't I lapse into a brief coma

without everything falling
apart?

- Are you the manager?
- That's debatable

- at this point, but let's just go with yes.
- I don't know where you have

been all night, dick face,
but you should know

that your staff is
completely off the deep end.

Not only have they been humiliating
your customers every chance that they get,

but they physically assaulted me. In fact,
you know what? I'm about to call the cops.

- Oh, don't... Come on...
- Who would assault you?

- Barb? - No!
- No, he did. I think.

But they were all involved.
Even... twinkle-toes here.

- Did you just say, "I think"?
- Well, I didn't see who did it, numb nuts. They ambushed me.

All right. Well, you've got
witnesses for this ambush?

- Witnesses?
- Yeah.

What, you think
I did this to myself?

- Maybe, I don't know.
- I did this to myself.

- That's true, he did.
- Yeah. So there.

You're going to believe
these dip shits over me.

Well, yeah. You see, actually,
I really like these people,

and you I'm finding
unusually unpleasant.

So, yes, you call your police,
and you talk to them,

and it'll be your word
against ours.

- Fine.
- OK.

Have your one victory in life.

Enjoy it,

'cause it won't last.

You picked
a real winner here, Jenny.

I hope the two of you are
very happy together.

- Woof!
- Out of my way!

- OK, Josh. Let's go.
- Yeah. Off you go, Josh.

- You have a great birthday. We'll see you in a few days. Aha.
- You still haven't quit?

- What the hell is the matter with you?
- Quit? Why would he quit?

Because,
as crazy as this sounds,

Josh doesn't want to be a waiter
anymore. No, he's done

- stuffing your heart-clogging food down people's throats.
- We do salads.

- That's not the point.
- Well, I just think people have a choice.

No, it's time for Josh to grow up
and do something real with his life,

not live in this prolonged
adolescence that you call a job.

- Let me at her! Fucking...
- Whoa, whoa! Come on!

- OK.
- All right, point taken.

Well, I guess you should be
on your way, Josh.

But on behalf of everyone here,

I just want to say
it has been a pleasure.

- All right, good enough.
- Come on, Josh. Let's go.

Josh, come on! Now!

♪♪♪

Here.

What's this?

Your LSATS!

- You didn't tell me they came in.
- I guess I've changed my mind.

I'm not going to law school...
Not now, not ever.

What?

- I want to be a writer.
- It's all I've ever wanted.

I just didn't have the guts
to give it a shot until tonight.

So you can keep those scores.
I don't need them.

- But how are you going to make money?
- Well, I'll

I'll keep waiting tables.

Yeah! Uh, uh, uh, uh!

I'm good at it.

And... I think
I even kind of like it.

I don't want to be with someone
who serves people anymore.

No, I want to be with someone
who gets served,

someone important,
someone they throw big

black-tie parties for.

Waiters don't get to go
to big black-tie parties, Josh.

Well, actually, they do,
but through a separate entrance.

- Ha! Oh, snap!
- She means us, asshole.

Goodbye, Josh.

Good luck.

You're an idiot!

- [Godfrey]: OK, everybody.
- Show's over.

- Why don't we all get back to work? Here you go, Sam.
- Thank you.

Oh, Josh, I gotta tell you, I
really think you blew it with that one.

That woman is an angel.

Here. Happy birthday.

♪♪♪

♪ Years from now - My blog?

♪ They will make water

♪ From the reservoir

You're Trubleever?

Mm-hmm.

So if you knew
I was supposed to be a writer,

- why didn't you just tell me?
- I couldn't just tell you that.

You had to figure that out
for yourself.

How lucky am I, huh?

I ended up with the only Jewish father
who doesn't want his son to be a lawyer.

♪♪♪

Whoa. Dude,
watch where you're going.

Alex, I gotta tell you, that
was so satisfying to train you.

- I want to thank you so much.
- Really?

No, you really sucked ass, OK?
You took years off my life. Here's a dime.

This is the best night
I've had in years.

- Oh, my God, me too.
- Ménage à trois, boys! Ha!

Weird. So how'd you do, Simon?

Super-duper, same as always.

- What? You always make this much money?
- Yep.

I don't need a special night
to speak my mind.

Gay guys get away with saying
bitchy shit to people

all the time.
They just eat it up.

- Balls. Wish I was a gay man.
- You're not?

- Tommy!
- [Cell phone ringing]

Hi. Put him on! Owen,

if you and your brother don't go
the fuck to bed right now,

Mommy is coming home and going to spank you
like it's 1950, you got me?! I love you!

- [Tommy laughing]
- Yeah you did.

- Dude, you took some really big steps today, brother.
- Thank you.

Yeah. There's only one thing
left for you to do.

Really? What's that?

- Join the rodeo!
- [Cheering]

Whoa!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

[Cheering]

- Josh! Josh! Josh!
- Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh!

Woo!

- I can't stop it! It's broken!
- What?

Ah!

- Woo, Josh!
- Jeez!

[Josh groaning]: I'm good...

[Godfrey]: Now, I thought
you'd said he left.

- [Josh]: That wasn't accurate.
- OK, Franz, let me just start off

by saying we're really,
really sorry.

- No, don't look at me!
- Don't look at me!

Close the door. Close the door!

Close the door! Close it.

[Tommy]: Fucking Germans...

- You are my brother.
- You are good.

- I love you, Franz.
- Yes, I love you too.

- OK.
- Goodbye, Godfrey.

[Godfrey]: All right.

Well, your jobs are all safe.

That is, of course, assuming
you still want to work here.

- Where else would we go?
- Well, you know,

I have an idea, inspired
by these customer comment cards

that normally contain nothing
but drawings of boners

but tonight have
customer comments in them.

And, of course, a few boners.

But it would seem
that the people loved

what they saw and heard
here tonight.

- Really?
- Yeah! They did, they loved it.

All the insults, the abuse,
the neglect, the shenanigans...

They seemed to think it was
some kind of theatre. So I say

fuck Heindschlap Industries.

There's no way I'm letting
those child-mutating bastards

in on this.
This is a great concept

for a new restaurant.

For our new restaurant!

- Ours?
- Yes, ours!

- So, what do you say? Should we open our own restaurant?
- [All]: Yeah!

Open our own restaurant?

If you guys aren't into it,
that's fine. Oh, never mind.

All right, you talked me
into it. Let's do it.

But... what are we going
to call the place?

Whew. Uh...

♪♪♪

- Well, Trubleever...
- I mean, Dad

I'm happy to report that
not going back to school was

the smartest decision
I ever made.

Awesome. This is awesome.

♪ First day in the new hometown
♪ - It's only been six months,

and I've already got
my first book published.

OK, self-published, but still,
I've sold a few copies.

Nice! And we're just days
away from our grant opening.

I didn't think we'd be able
to pull this off, but it's been

smooth sailing ever since
Tommy found us our investor.

Could you tell that sweet little stud
muffin over there to move his ass?

Will do.

[Loud fart]

Uh... he might be a minute.
As for my love life...

Are you accepting applications?

Yes. But my girlfriend won't let me
hire hot chicks. She's incredibly jealous.

- Hm. Good for you I can keep a secret.
- Yeah?

Well, things are looking up
there too.

Ooh! Look, Donnie, a new
place! Isn't that exciting?

I can't wait to see
what the menu is.

- Will you stick a sock in it, Edna?
- Pardon?

You're always shooting off
your damn mouth!

Well, I don't know what you're
talking about. I'm going to ask

my scrap booking girlfriends
to come on opening night.

You can just stay home
and watch the game!

♪♪♪

♪♪ Well, me and my friends
we work in places

♪ Where we can't argue
or make funny faces ♪

♪ And the bosses are always
on top of our cases ♪

♪ But we take it,
yeah we take it, oh we take it ♪

♪ Some of us are doctors
or artists and musicians ♪

♪ Who can't quite bring
our lives to fruition ♪

♪ We used up the money
on the college tuition ♪

♪ Now a dead-end job is
the price of ambition ♪

♪ Not just a waiter,
number one in this state ♪

♪ Because to cater,
that means food on my plate ♪

♪ I could be greater

♪ My mama always said,
"You're not just a waiter" ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Well, they told me to go
and get a good education ♪

♪ So I did, do I get some kind
of congratulations? ♪

♪ I mean, I got a BA
and a bad attitude ♪

♪ And those go together
like people and food ♪

♪ But I don't want to sound like
I'm so full of myself ♪

♪ 'Cause it's my choice to live
this way and nobody else's ♪

♪ I mean, if I wanted to leave
I could leap like a frog ♪

♪ But why risk drowning
when you're safe on a log? ♪

♪ Not just a waiter,
number one in this state ♪

♪ Because to cater,
that means food on my plate ♪

♪ I could be greater

♪ My mama always said,
"You're not just a waiter" ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ So if you're looking for me
I'll be here for a while ♪

♪ As long as I'm working
will be as long as I'll smile ♪

♪ And as long as the boss is
Hitler I'll heil ♪

♪ I don't want any black marks
to appear on my file ♪

♪ But I got no benefits
I got no plans ♪

♪ If the kitchen's too hot
I'll just go get a fan ♪

♪ And I'll watch all the girls
go by in their tans ♪

♪ But I won't spill your drinks
I got such a steady hand ♪

♪ Not just a waiter,
I'm number one in this state ♪

♪ Because to cater,
that means food on my plate ♪

♪ I could be greater

♪ My mama always said,
"You're not just a waiter" ♪

♪ Not just a waiter,
number one in this state ♪

♪ Because to cater,
that means food on my plate ♪

♪ I could be greater

♪ My mama always said,
"You're not just a waiter, no" ♪

♪ Yeah ♪