Serial (Bad) Weddings 3 (2021) - full transcript

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

I can't see my book in the front
of the store anymore, is it normal?

It's been 3 years, Mr. Verneuil.
I need room for the best sellers.

That's a shame.

Sales are about to take off...

thanks to my exceptional word-of-mouth.

I've passed 1000 sales!

Which is remarkable for the biography
of an unknown poet, one must admit.

Charles, how are you?

- Very well, and you?
- Fine, thank you.

I'm late.



By the way...

reserve June 17!

- Why?
- The new creation by Gisèle Monfort.

Oh, great! I am looking forward to it.

- A free adaptation of the Gospel.
- Yes?

I'll play Jesus.

You?

Yes.

But Jesus was not...

Hey, since it's a free adaptation,

why not!

Have a nice day, Charles.

I knew the theater was bad,

but with African Jesus,
we're hitting rock bottom.



No, please, not him.

Oh no, that...

Oh!

I'm sorry.

- An espresso, as usual?
- With pleasure.

Here we go.

- Good morning, Claude!
- Want a coffee?

No. I have an important meeting
with my editor. Bad luck!

Sunday, I'm having a méchoui
barbecue for my birthday.

That's great, Rachid!
I'm looking forward to it.

- And your coffee, Mr. Verneuil?
- Drink it.

Ah, Claude!

Claude, you're just in time.

Another time, Chao.
I'm very late, I'm expected.

There's a lot of activity on your account.

Your credit card may have been
hacked for internet purchases.

That's me, for my wife.

Well, you spoil her.
See you Tuesday!

- What's Tuesday?
- Ségo's vernissage.

Of course, I wouldn't miss it
for anything in the world.

Ségo's vernissage...

Claude!

Ooh, Claude!

He was the only one missing!

You should paddle too,
it's good for your health!

We'll talk another time, David!
I'm in a hurry, I'm expected.

Claude, you have to take the time to live!

- See you tonight!
- Why, what's tonight?

It's Shabbat, of course!

- We did it last Friday!
- It's every Friday!

I know David, but remember, I'm Catholic!

I'm not asking you to come
to mass every Sunday!

So there.

Can I have a ride?

- Oh no, I'm not going back to Chinon.
- They are everywhere!

Eh? But who?

Our sons-in-law!
We'll keep running into them.

You're the one who asked them to live here.

But I'm suffocating.

Birthdays, Eid al Adha,
Chinese New Year, Shabbat...

And not to mention
Charles' opening nights.

You know he'll play Jesus Christ?

- Charles?
- Yes. Christ!

Shall I place Sir's packages
in Sir's office with the others?

Of course, as usual.

- Thank you, Babette!
- Yeah.

What's with the packages?
You get them every day.

It's documentation for my new book.

Phone call!

- It's from the Ivory Coast.
- Must be Koffi, he keeps trying to reach me.

Some kind of emergency. Don't answer!

Come on, they're family!

Hello, André?

How are you?

I'm fine, thank you.

From when to when?

But with great pleasure!
I'm looking forward to it!

My husband too, by the way. Yes.

Kiss Madeleine.

The Koffis are coming.

But why always to our house? Why not
Charles' place, what did we do to them?

He says it's too small
and Laure is a bad cook.

That's true. Since she became
vegan, it's pure horror.

When are they coming?

- Next weekend.
- Oh, and when do they leave?

- He was vague.
- How so, "vague"? What did he say?

He said: "For an indefinite time."

But that's not vague at all!

It's perfectly clear: they are migrating!

Are you crazy?

Migrating! The Koffis are
moving in like the others!

I told you not to pick up the phone!

SERIAL (BAD) WEDDINGS 3

What a lousy buffet!

Three carrots, two radishes,
not even a cocktail sausage!

No wonder, Laure prepared it.

Look at her, she looks like a rabbit.

I hope she won't pull our guys
into her vegan delirium.

No worries, David is a meathead.

"If de Gaulle had not gone to London"?
That's the subject of your book?

Yes, but wait.

I don't pretend to rewrite history,
it's political fiction.

If de Gaulle had not been in London,

we would speak German
and eat sauerkraut.

Or hamburgers...

Go figure what would have
become of France.

Go figure!

This painting exudes a phenomenal power.

- Do you really like it?
- Ja!

This is a radical work
that speaks directly to our guts.

It's true that it moves us.

My daughter is the author.

- Ja?
- Let me introduce you to her.

Ségolène? Come here.

- You have a German admirer.
- Helmut Shaeffer.

I was just passing by,

I have to say that I was caught up
by the power of your works.

Oh... Compliments make me uncomfortable.

Your paintings speak for you.

- You say everything in your paintings.
- Yes.

I'll come back when it's less crowded.

This time, it won't be by chance.

I like to have an intimate dialogue
with the works.

I hate socializing too.

- See you soon.
- Yes...

I look forward to seeing you again.

- Goodbye, sir.
- Goodbye.

Helmut Shaeffer,
that sounds familiar... Oh!

- Mommy!
- What?

He's a huge collector.

He has Koons, Cattelan, Basquiat.

And soon some Ségolène, unbelievable!

I mean, it's great.

- Oh yeah!
- Who's that guy?

Helmut Shaeffer, a big art collector.

This may surprise you, Chao,
but some people like my painting.

Why are you attacking me?
Your vernissage not going well?

No, it's fine. Except for you,
everyone praises me.

I'm moving on, there are so
many great things to see.

Thank you, Mom.

Helmut Shaeffer.

Hey, Charles?
What's this bullshit?

Laure tells me that you'll play Jesus?

So what? Major roles
are not just for whiteys!

That's not the point.

But how are you going to pull it off?

Play in white face?

Of course not, I'll play him straight.
Jesus is universal!

And he was Black.

Bullshit, he was a Heeb!

Jews came from Egypt, so from Africa.
Hence, Black blood.

Right?

I don't know if it's if it's the paintings
or the radishes, but I feel nauseous.

It's not the radishes.
I haven't touched them.

How could we raise her so wrongly?

What made her paint such monstrosities?

No clue. Let's get out of here
before I throw up on a painting.

Clovis!

No, but Clovis!

- Do something!
- Come on!

They must have set him off.
He never does that indoors.

- Congratulations again, we loved it.
- Such a strong message.

- It's denouncing, it's...
- Denouncing what?

Slaughterhouses.

No, it goes well beyond that.
It's about the human condition.

- Obviously...
- The human condition.

- Let's go. Come on, Clovis.
- Bye, girls!

I think there's trouble brewing
between Chao and Ségolène.

- Did you notice anything?
- No.

With a little luck,
we'll get our first divorce.

- No...
- I'm just kidding, it's a joke.

They are cute, our parents.

How long have they been married?

You don't know? Seriously?

It will be 40 years on June 18.

40 years, it's the emerald wedding.

They deserve a medal.

Especially mom!

Hope you're tucked into
your undies, brothers.

Gentlemen, I give you a world exclusive:

my new genius concept.

So?

A tent for the homeless?

No, sir. It's a self-inflating yurt.

What's the point?

The point is you can stand up inside...

...unlike in classic tents.

Hey, hey! Come on in!

"Nature yurt", is that the brand?

Yeah it's a pun. "0% yurt", "vanilla yurt"...

- Got it?
- Sure.

It's Gisèle, my director.

Hello? Gisèle?

But, uh...

What about your portable fridge?

You didn't know?
The Koreans stole my concept.

Hey, stop that right away!
No photo, no photo, - nothing!

Alright, just chill.

It's because of your pictures on
Instagram that the Koreans got me.

To you we may look the same,
but I'm Chinese!

Yeah, sure.

Jesus?

My apples!
Think this is a supermarket?

Yeah, about that.

The branches there...
They're encroaching on my land.

So what?

Well...

The other day one of your apples
fell right on my parsley.

So what?

"So what?"

It damaged it.

You want me to pay for your parsley?

Just stop annexing my property.

This here is Chinon.

Not Jerusalem.

No need to fight, brothers.
Earth belongs to all mankind.

Who asked you, Jesus?

Hey, the Fantastic Four!

Ségo is here, we can start.

Are you comfortable?

So, we wanted to get together...

to organize a big suprise party...

for our parents' emerald wedding.

That's great!

Yes.

Yeah.

Glad you're taking it so well, because...

besides contributing financially,
we'd like you to get involved.

- Sure.
- Yeah.

Sorry, what do you mean by
"contributing financially"?

What with all the protests,

the lockdowns, transfers for my mother...

I only have one euro left on my account.

Don't shame me in front of my sisters.

I'm with you all the way.
Claude and Marie did so much for us...

Will you look at that ass-kisser,
he never stops!

Hey, not again!

Chao, focus!

Can we continue?

Right. It's the perfect opportunity
to get the whole family together.

Or rather all the families, plural.

- That's it.
- How so, "the families"?

Well, yours!

Huh?

Your parents!

What, you don't want to see your parents?

Anybody have a Lexomil?

- Sure!
- David, please.

Oh no, I don't...

- It's gonna be a slaughter.
- Yup.

My dad and theirs alone, it's already tough...

With my dad, it's no way.

- He resented that dinner in Beijing...
- What dinner?

The dinner in Beijing.

An unfriendly but very efficient driver.

- Right on time.
- It's perfect.

- I'm exhausted, we're not staying long.
- Stop being negative.

It'll be a change from the hotel.

- Which is pretty good.
- That's right.

- (She sings badly!)
- (And she's ugly!)

- (Are you expecting someone?)
- (No, I'm not.)

(Go and open the door!)

Good evening, Mrs. Ling.

Nice to see you again.
How long has it been?

- Well, almost 8 years!
- Oh...

The wedding of Chao
and Ségolène was in May.

Time flies.

Here's some...

French macaroons.

You like them?

- (Who is it?)
- (Two white people with a gift.)

(Take the gift!)

Ah, I recognize the father.

Good evening, Mr. Ling.
How are you?

- (What do these people want?)
- (I don't know.)

(Keep smiling.)

- They didn't wait to eat.
- Yes.

Strange. Maybe it's a local tradition
to eat before the guests...

(I think they're hungry.
Make them some food.)

(Then I'll throw them out.)

(Come in!)

(Thank you!)

It's nice here.

Ah, I really like it!

What a nice fabric.

It's beautiful. Is it "made in China"?

What do you think? We're in Beijing...

- I'm wondering, Claude.
- I'm wondering as well.

What's in these in these raviolis?

- No, I'm serious.
- I'm serious too.

These are not the right people.

But I recognize the father.

I took thousands of pictures with him.

Such an unsympathetic face,
you can't forget it.

Yeah?

How do you explain that
they lived 20 years in Paris...

but don't speak French?

It's the failure of
French-style integration.

That's what I keep telling you.

Oh my! Marie!

Watch out!

There's something awfully slimy...

and frighteningly spicy in the ravioli.

What is it?

It's your son! It's Chao, on WhatsApp.

Wonderful!

We'll have a family reunion!

Chao! Family!

My folks have been waiting for an hour!

Certainly not, we're at their place.

I'm in front of your
sympathetic dad. It's Chao!

Say yoo-hoo to each other!

- How do you say "yoo-hoo" in Chinese?
- No clue.

- (What are those freaks doing?)
- (How should I know?)

I do not know these people!

Aren't you on the 4th floor?

Claude!

- I think we got the wrong Chinese.
- The wrong Chinese?

- Oh no...
- Yes.

Oh no... I won't eat again!

But who are these people?

It's all right Chao, no one died.

Not for my father.

He's very resentful.

You know Koffi? And Verneuil?
He's a mix of both.

- Damn, poor guy.
- Mine's not easy either.

You're the lucky ones...

my whole family is impossible.

Are you done with crying?

Anyway, this emerald wedding is on.
It's your job to get your parents here.

For once, you had better be on the level!

And if you spoil the party
you'll regret it.

Bet we can destroy your lives?

Don't exaggerate, Ségo.

Anyway, you have 24 hours
to call your folks.

The party is less than a month
away, the timing is tight.

At least I got mine covered.

They're already on the plane.

Alfred Tonnellé, the Forgotten
by Claude Verneuil

You must read the book.

But I can't finish the first chapter.
I keep falling asleep.

Make an effort, it's important for Claude.

Then you read it.

Me? He didn't give it to me.

Look. What does it say?

"To my great friend André."

It don't say "Madeleine."
So I don't read it.

If you want to be received
properly, read it.

- Have a good day, Ms. Bouin.
- Thank you.

And now Mrs. Verneuil.

- What can I get you today?
- Give me a nice tender roast beef.

- For how many?
- Four.

No. Koffi is big eater. For six.

Damn, my rillettes...

Say, Liliane?

She sure put on some mileage,
Mrs. Verneuil. Eh?

I forgot my rillettes.

The rillettes...

Well... Of course.

You recognize your grandfather?

Grandpa André!

He looks smart.

Yes.

He's way ahead of schedule.

- Isn't he a little underweight?
- No, he's 13 kg.

Normal weight at 3 years old.

Me, at his age, I weighed 19 kg.

And your mother-in-law, 26.

Boh!

How nice it is to be here!

- Do you like France now?
- I've always loved France.

The problem is the French.

Oh!

Joking aside,

what I really like here...

is the climate.

I can imagine.

Not to chase you away of course,

but how long do you plan to stay?

Until the end of the rainy season.

- Come again?
- He has rheumatism,

he needs a dry climate.

Dry climate, dry climate... not so fast!

In summer, we often have many storms.

Last year we even had
floods, right, Marie?

Uh, yes. Yes.

And no matter the weather,

the Koffi's are welcome.

They can stay as long as they want.

Really.

Well, there's no harm in
knowing when they leave...

We have our lives,
we don't do guest houses.

Claude.

Stay at our house, it'll be simpler.

It's not simpler. This is how it is.

- Don't insist, he's stubborn!
- Okay.

You are of course welcome here.

I do apologize, André.

I'm a bit tense.

My book is costing me a lot of energy.

- My husband adored the first one.
- Ah?

Yes, the first... "Tonnellé the Failed."

The Forgotten.
It's "Tonnellé, the Forgotten."

So you really liked it, André?

I read it straight through.

I was even sorry to have
finished it so quickly.

Are you teasing me?

I really enjoyed the story.

The style, the subject matter.

And especially the typography.

Typography?

Oh yes. Presentation is important.

My father always said:

"To make a good impression,"

"one must always be elegant."

I regret that I never met your father.

The rainy season! You know that
it lasts between 2 and 4 months?

With the climate change,
it can go up to 6 months!

I'm sure he hasn't read my book.

He really made a fool of me, that
Houphouët-Boigny. "The typography!"

I'm not in the mood.

Spare me your bad mood
and be a little generous.

Now you, Charles.

Approach the leper.

And now touch his face.

No, no!

You're dull, Charles!

- Dull?
- Yes, dull!

I want a punchy Jesus!

Okay, I'll be punchy for you.

You too, Erwann.

A punchy leper? Are you sure, Gisèle?

We're wasting time! From the top!

Okay. Punchy.

Marie? Marie?

- What are you doing?
- Tell me honestly, Claude.

Have I gotten old?

Eh?

Is that why you're grumpy?

Claude...

A little bit every day,
same as everyone else.

I'm getting older too,
it's not a big deal.

Oh...

This was our honeymoon in Venice.

I was so beautiful then.

You are still beautiful, Marie.

- Then why don't you look at me anymore?
- I look at you every day.

But after 38 years, I'm not going to
swoon with admiration every time!

If you were paying attention...

you'd know that it has
been more than 38 years.

- In fact it will be...
- 40 years on June 18.

- You remembered?
- How could I forget that date.

But I won't organize a big hoopla.

- We'll have a cosy dinner for two.
- Like every night.

No, we can go to
the restaurant if you like.

Come back to bed.
I'm starting early tomorrow.

We'll eat at "The Wood's Edge",
Goulat's place.

No Chao, we won't come to France. No.

- You can't do that to me!
- (You know what?)

(Just pick any two Chinese or even Viets...)

(anywhere in Paris).

(Verneuil won't know the difference.)

But...

Are grandpa and grandma coming?

- No.
- Oh...

Not to worry. We'll visit them
in Beijing in summer, ok?

(Son?)

(We're coming!)

(Don't worry!)

(Okay!)

Grandma and Grandpa are coming!

Yes!

(And that's how it is. You hear?)

(I just hope you won't start
your foolishness again.)

(It has caused us enough trouble as it is.)

- I can't do it.
- Don't be a child, David.

You don't get it, Odile.

Since their dispute,
their home is Ramallah.

What was it about?

I didn't get it.
Something silly, a story about bread.

- About bread?
- Yes, bread.

- Don't take me for a fool. Call now!
- As you wish.

- Hello?
- Mom?

Oh, David!

Your father is driving me crazy,
I can't take it anymore!

By the Torah of Israel,
your mother will kill me!

I hope so! Give me back that phone!

I warned you: they are freaks.

- All because of bread?
- Yup.

Still, it's just a little quarrel.

A squabble.

- I hate him!
- I hate her!

- But you'll talk to them, right?
- Yes, yes.

Just waiting for a gap.

You are the worst

that's ever happened to me!

You're no prize either!

Let go.

Let go I said!

You see, that's rosemary.

That's flat-leaf parsley.

And that's David's apple tree!

It's granny. Go water the yard.

Yeah, mom?

What is this gig thing?

Your wife gave him the idea
to play at your in-laws wedding.

- What?
- It's done.

He's back on his guitar, you hear that?

I'll call you back!

You called my folks?

Isn't it cool that he's
gonna play at the party?

That ain't cool, it's the Nakba.

You woke the Algerian Kurt Cobain!

(Oh God, give me patience!)

- Shut up!
- Fuck you!

- Long live rock'n'roll!
- Nardinamuk!

Yourself!

Goddamn it!

"Whoa baby, we're trouble!"

And 'til tomorrow morning! Damn!

The usual, Mrs. Verneuil?

No, I want to change style.

I would like something more...

Well... you see? This is...

There...

Like that...

They have to be... I don't know.

- You see?
- Okay, I see.

General de Gaulle...

could choose from several countries.
Switzerland was impossible, neutrality.

Liechtenstein, too small.
South America...

South America...

I'll give you bloody typography.

They should take the vows on the stage.

No, on the stairs, we'll see them better.

- Right in the middle.
- But it blocks the passage...

- No, here it won't...
- Ah!

What if it rains?

- If it rains, we're up shit creek.
- Oh no...

But it's not going to rain.

Ah, thanks.

I've been recommended this Chinon,
it's from a local producer...

That's beautiful, Marie.

Just like the song says,

you are "refined sexy".

I would say even more, it's "mod chic".

What's the occasion, dear?

Are you going up to Paris for a pageant?

People who wear ugly sweaters
should not speak of fashion.

- What's wrong with it?
- It looks like Colonel Mustard.

I love this, that's the main thing.

I failed the guts.

It needs more blood.

Oh!

- Mr. Shaeffer!
- As promised.

I came back to admire your works in peace.

Yes, of course.

Enjoy.

You're welcome.

Everything is beautiful. I really
don't know which one to buy.

Oh...

If you're interested,
I have more in my workshop.

Ach, wunderbar!

- Where is your workshop?
- In my parents' attic.

- The nice lady at the opening?
- Yes.

Would it be possible to see it?
I like to get inside the artist.

Oh... yes, of course.
I... I'll get the car.

Nein!

Let me drive you.

Sure.

- What a magnificent machine!
- I can't stand mediocre.

I only like beauty.

Oh...? Yes.

What a production!

What creative energy!

It will be hard to choose a work.

Yes.

Tea, Mr. Shaeffer?

Yes, please.

- But call me Helmut.
- If you call me Marie.

I like your new hairdo.

It looks great on you.

It does?

My wife and daughter
told me a lot about you.

You have a way with women.

I must confess, dear Helmut...

I have a weakness for Germanic culture.

I admire your philosophers and poets.

(You inspire love)

(And desire)

(I feel it and I burn)

(Loving child)

(Inspire me now with confidence)

- Goethe, isn't it?
- The gentleman is a connoisseur!

I'm in the game myself.

I wrote the biography of a French poet.
This is my first work.

Alfred Tonnellé, the creator of Pyreneism!

- Do you know him?
- Of course I do.

I'm very interested in both
literature and alpinism.

Let me buy your book at once.

You are joking.
My husband will gift it to you!

Natürlich...
it goes without saying!

In that case, to thank you...

would you join me for lunch
in my modest château

with your spouse and
your charming daughter?

Naturally.

Wunderbar. Das ist wunderbar.

Auf Wiedersehen!

He's really top, that Helmut.

I thought you hated Germans.

On the contrary. I always believed
in the Franco-German partnership.

It's the engine of Europe.

And what a pleasure to discuss
with a fine, intelligent, cultured man.

Yes, nothing to do with...

With these... With the...

Anyway.

If it's war he wants, it's war he'll get!

- The carrots are done.
- Yes.

- It looks like kandia soup.
- Yes it does.

It smells amazing.

What are you two up to?

We're making stew, André.

Can I taste the sauce?

Over my dead body, ain't
no way you're touching this!

Please, I'm starving.

Just a lick!

I'm hypoglycemic, Madeleine.

Have you looked at yourself?
You're as fat as a warthog.

Get out of here.

Get out!

Ah... Sadistic female!

Ah! Tell me, Koffi...

since you love my book, I have a question.

I'm listening.

Don't you think the part where Tonnellé
crosses the Austrian Alps is too long?

Let us say that...

Let's say that... Yes...

Yes, I'll have to read it again.

But of course. Except
that to read it again,

you would have to have
read it once already.

You are unmasked, Koffi!

He never crossed the Austrian Alps.

He stayed in the Pyrenees, hence
Pyreneism movement! Anyway.

You are a liar!

Take that back immediately.

I will not withdraw.
I repeat: you are a liar!

I'm warning you: Apologize at once...

or I will leave this house!

Apology refused.

André, this is ridiculous.

I keep telling him, but he won't listen!

I want him to apologize.

It's a question of honor,
this is an outrage!

And you're going to miss my stew.

Apologies first!

Stew second.

Apology refused!

Come on, Madeleine.

Hurry, we leave at once!

- Charles?
- Yes?

- Did you tell Viviane and Nicole?
- Yes, they're back from Calcutta.

The costumes are ready?

"Suffer little children to come
unto me, and forbid them not:"

"for of such is the kingdom of God."

Who's gonna win a Molière? Daddy!

It's daddy!

- Are you expecting somebody?
- Except God the Father, no one.

Dad?

- Take our bags!
- Huh?

Claude Verneuil, it's over!
It's spoiled! Never again!

What happened?

The villain!
He humiliated me!

"Blessed are the humiliated,
theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Why are you dressed like a Bedouin?

I'm not a Bedouin, I'm Jesus.

It's a role for a play!

You are going to play Jesus?

- Did you hear that, Madeleine?
- Yeah, I'm not deaf.

My son, I am proud of you.

Come into my arms!

I knew that you weren't a clown.

No, Yvonne.

I'm not going to hide in London
under Winston Churchill's hat.

I prefer Acapulco.

I'm working!

- I spoke to Laure.
- And?

- The Koffi's are at their place.
- Good riddance!

So you'll go there and apologize.

Certainly not.

He tricked me. He didn't read my book!

Nobody has read your book.

Please don't insult my readers.

May I remind you that I have
sold over 1000 copies.

You bought them yourself, you fool.

I know what's in here, look.

Are you going to spend
our entire retirement?

The next one will be a bestseller.

It will flop.

A story about De Gaulle running
away to Acapulco makes no sense.

- And here we are!
- It smells good.

- What's that?
- A vegan cassoulet.

A recipe that I invented.

My God!

- Is that a Toulouse sausage?
- No, a squash. Replaces the sausage.

It replaces nothing!

This meal is not balanced.
Where's the meat?

We don't eat meat in this house.
It's bad for the planet...

and animals are our friends.

Our friends...! White people really
have a problem with critters.

- Dad...
- It's the truth.

They live with rabbits,
fish and even rats.

- Rats?
- Yes, rats.

White children are sleeping with rats.

- In their room!
- Don't you mean hamsters?

Hamsters, rats... same thing.

Listen: animals are on Earth to be eaten!

Especially bullocks!

I like beef.

Me too.

And another visitor, how cool is that.

I'm not touching that.

It looks like a monkey's vomit.

You'll never change.

- Dad, mom!
- We're not staying long.

Walk in, you.

Keep walking.

André?

My husband has something to say.

Please accept my apologies, André.

I can't hear you. Louder.

I... uh...

- Come on!
- Please accept my apologies, André!

I want him down on his knees.

Not a chance.

Enough!

He apologized! Now shut up!

What's going on?

But what is it?

Bastard of his race, my apple tree!

My apple tree!

Are you nuts?

I warned you. I don't want
your apples on my territory.

You won't. And say
goodbye to the sun, too!

What, are you threatening me?

That's enough, I'm fed up with this!

Come back to bed, damn you!

We're about to eat, children.

Okay! All right!

♪ The merguez with the lamb ♪

♪ Merguez and lamb ♪
♪ The merguez... ♪

Ah no, no, no, not that!

You're not putting that in my barbecue?

It'll ruin the meat.

Here, Laure.

Go back to the kitchen, put
all the veggies in a pot, and...

You get soup! Eh?

You're an oaf, David.

Yes. I know.

It bothers me a bit to renew
the vows away from my church.

I'm more comfortable at home.

It's like soccer: there's more
pressure in an away game!

Please, Father.

For the Verneuil family,
I will take up the challenge!

Thank you!

That's settled.
Now, what about the menu.

Ah, about that. I want a say in it.

I'm gonna help David.

We had a vote: nobody
wants your salsify quiche.

Besides, salsify makes you fart.

It's terrible! Salsify...

Well that's the way it is, period.

I don't feel it, this ceremony.

It will be an intifada.

Let her make her salsify pie...

All right, but it won't
be on the formal menu.

- Deal?
- It's a minimum.

We'll have a multi-ethnic meal.
That way, no jealousy.

I'm listening!

Take me on a trip.

Right. As an appetizer,
we'll have an Israeli kémia.

For the main course, an Ivorian
attiéké with braised fish...

Then an Algerian couscous... with chicken.

Fish and meat, it's perfect!

And to conclude, French cheese
and a Chinese dessert.

Problem, honey?

No, that's all great.
Nothing to complain about.

However, Chao...

Don't take it badly, but
Chinese desserts are crap.

Right?

Right?

Eh?

Right?

Let's vote. Who wants to
eliminate the Chinese dessert?

We could have a Chinese
main dish, like basil chicken...

and an Algerian dessert.

Hello, diabetes!
Don't take it badly, Rachid...

but Arab desserts are all
sugar, fat, and sugar.

You never tried mouskoutchou.

- Mouskoutchou?
- Mouskoutchou.

Hey! Why bother?

Let's just buy 17 kg of merguez, and done!

Why bother, David?

Because it's their
wedding anniversary!

So we'll work our asses off
to make them remember!

You got that?

Claude! Claude?

I can't find him, I don't know where he is.

Claude?

What are you doing?

What all untalented writers should do.

It's not about talent.

It's about the subject.

When you find a good story,
you'll be successful.

Come on, come on, Balzac.

I made you a leg of lamb.

Come.

- With mint sauce?
- With mint sauce.

Chow's up!

Oh shit, my veggies!

We still need to figure out
one last thing: lodging.

Can't they all sleep there?

Not enough rooms.
The attic is Ségo's workshop...

We were thinking about
a yurt in the garden.

Sure!

Wait a minute. Who will sleep there?

One of the four couples.

My father in a yurt, no way.

Mine wasn't even gonna come,
he would leave at once!

He's Chinese, not Mongolian.

You guys are squares. Sleeping
in a yurt is a unique experience!

Alright, we'll put your parents
in there. Problem solved.

Calm down. We are going to draw lots.

There's a paper for
each family in this hat.

We need an innocent hand.

Father?

And hop!

The hand of God, as Maradona said.

- Family Koffi!
- Yes!

Oh no...

- Full tilt, man.
- No, no, no...!

I'll let you tell your father the news...

It's sublime.

I think it's bling-bling.

Don't start! Nobody asked you to come.

- Alright...
- He sure is loaded.

Come in, this way.

The master is coming.

I'll go with you.

These are all masterpieces.
It's like being at MoMa.

Impressive.

All masterpieces.

The sky in yellow,
that's completely original.

Nein!

Don't touch that, you cretin!

This piece is worth over $100,000.

What's wrong with you, Chao?

Are you that stupid?
No touching!

Really, Chao.
This ain't the greengrocer's!

You're embarrassing me.

I don't know what came over me.

No...

No, it's on me. Please excuse my outburst.

I regret that I called you a cretin.

Oh please, that's all right.
No harm done!

He'll get over it I'm sure.

This is remarkable, this Wienerschnitzel.

It reminds me of our trip to Vienna.

Do you remember our
beautiful carriage ride?

That was a long time ago.
When he was still taking me on trips.

Do you know Vienna, Ségolène?

Hm. No.

- I hear there are extraordinary museums.
- Speaking of museums...

Would you be willing to exhibit
your work in New York?

That would be my dream.

Perfect. Then you agree to open
my new gallery in SoHo?

Uh... yes?

Are you free in August?

- No, no, wait. No!
- Yes, I am!

No, no, no! August is a complicated month.

The girls are on vacation,
and I'm at work...

Well Chao, we'll work something out.

We'll take the twins.

- Right, Claude?
- Of course!

Come on, Chao!

This is important for my daughter's career.

Don't be selfish!

What a delightful man, that Helmut.

I've always dreamed of a son like him.

Maybe he can get discounts on a Porsche.

- New York, baby.
- This man will change your life.

Yes...

My apologies.

Business.

To make it up to you, here's
an Armagnac from 1946.

Oh...!

You are quite forgiven, Helmut.

46, that's...

(Good year!)

Ass-kisser-in-chief...

Chao, you're a tightwad!

Hey, what is he doing?

Hey!

Hey!

Hey...

What's wrong with you?

What are you doing?

The wall!

What do you mean, the wall?

Who are you?

Super Mario. He works for me.

I don't know anything about gardening,
but parsley needs sunlight, right?

Don't do that.

Yes, I am.

You'll have to change herbs, Rachid.
Grow some cilantro.

Cilantro's tasty.

I told you to leave my apple tree alone.

Just you wait.

Just wait!

A 3 meter wall, that's serious!

He's lost it. He even wants
to put up barbed wire!

I tried to stop him, he won't listen.

Same for Rachid.
They're both crazy.

Once the ceremony is over,
we'll take action.

Girls, I have a psychopath idea.

Our parents will arrive
in a hot air balloon!

- Ah!
- Ah, that's good!

And it's environmentally friendly.

Just imagine, our parents landing
among the guests in the yard?

What a crazy idea.

- This is great!
- That's so beautiful!

What the hell?

Grandma and Grandpa's wedding
is making them cuckoo.

Grandma and Grandpa are getting married?

Shh, it's a secret.

We left 23 minutes ago.

- Why the fuck should I care?
- Be quiet.

- Let go.
- Stop it!

- Let go!
- Stop it!

(Drink water!)

(Water.)

Yeah?

Did you get the packages?

Yeah.

- All clear, for now.
- Good, be careful. Love you.

The noodles are done.

I repeat: the noodles are done.

Calm down. This ain't Homeland.

Go, go, go! Take up your stations!

Go, go, go!

Come on, Babette! Buck up!

- How many will there be?
- 18.

- Oh my God.
- Keep it together, Babette.

Children, are we clear?
Nobody speaks and nobody moves.

- Okay.
- Are we playing hide and seek?

Oh, my darling.

Most importantly, persevere
in your charity to each other.

Show hospitality among yourselves.

Without murmuring.

It's not going to work...

You know, he wants her.

- The German?
- Yes, the German.

And Claude is encouraging him.

Why is that?

He still dreams of his daughter
marrying a white man.

You may be right.

Still, it surprises me.

He never could stand the Germans.

That says a lot about
what he thinks of us.

True.

Come on, pump it up!

Did you tell them, about the yurt?

Of course!

What did your father say?

That it would remind him of the army.

Well done! You are so brave.

It's gonna be the apocalypse.

♪ The world is thirsty ♪

♪ for a little love ♪

♪ Spirit of God ♪

♪ come among us ♪

♪ Take us away ♪

♪ in your stride ♪

♪ You choose us ♪

♪ among the nations ♪

♪ Open our hearts ♪

♪ to your love ♪

It's the last time we're taking
him to mass, Louis Armstrong.

- Stop it!
- Yeah, well...

Look, Marie.

Dear Helmut is here.

I thought he was he was a protestant...

He ticks all the right boxes.

- What boxes?
- Nothing. I know what I mean.

Don't shush me! I'm sharing
my missal with my wife.

I can't take this.

♪ Spirit of God ♪

♪ source of life ♪

10 minutes to go!

- Babette!
- I'm sorry.

Done, Chao.

By the way, did you warn your father?

Of course not. Have you seen his face?

That's it, guys.

Ah! Here they are!

We don't have time for hugs!

Grab the luggage and go to the rooms!

- You are in here.
- Ah!

- Wow that's heavy! Did you put dad in here?
- I wish I did!

Oh, how beautiful!

- You are in the best room.
- No, in here, in here!

(What, what, what?)

He really has a falsetto
voice, your priest.

Is he a castrato?

How should I know?
I didn't look under his cassock!

They are here!
They are here!!

- They are here!!!
- All in the living room!!!!

What the hell is that filthy thing?

Isn't that David's yurt?

Why did he put it in the garden?

Why did he put his yurt in the garden?

I'll give him yurts, David!

Surprise!

But why?

We want to celebrate your
40th wedding anniversary...

so we brought the whole family together!

- Oh...
- What a drag.

Who are these people?

- We're going to Dad's yurt!
- Yeah!

Hey, kids! Over here!

They could have warned us!
I hate surprises.

You're so old-fashioned.
It's good to have a little madness.

I won't last.

I'm warning you, Claude.

Don't you dare ruin my party.

Your party?

I've suffered through 40 years
of marriage too, believe me!

Excuse me?

I beg your pardon.

I'll make an effort. I will.

Thank you!

- (You promised me!)
- (But I'm thirsty!)

- (Drink some water!)
- (Not now!)

I thought that was settled!

- (Don't worry.)
- Is everything ok, Mr. Ling?

Excuse me...

Who are you?

- Dad!
- Cheers.

Eh? Yes.

- Mom looks really happy.
- Dad, not so much.

Don't be negative, you know
he needs time to adjust.

I'm not negative.

Girls, we said no trouble.

Why would she say that?

How about a selfie for my story?

Sure!

Just so you know...

to post one selfie on Instagram uses as much
power as 7 standard light bulbs in a day.

And to kill a mood,
how many light bulbs?

So you are a musician?

I thought you were
a retired subway driver...

That too, sadly.

- How so?
- When Rachid was born,

I had to sacrifice my career
to put food on the table.

So I was forced to quit
music and drive a subway.

Gallieni to Levallois Bridge
and back. For 30 years.

Yes, it's impressive.

You can't help it.

Wait, Rachid.

Is he gonna keep on
blaming me for being born?

Come here.

Anyway, it's great that you're here.

I am an absolute fan
of Arab-Andalusian music.

Yes, I admire Umm Kulthum a lot.

Yes, she loves her Kulthum.

That's prehistory. I do rock music.

Look, that was my band.

- Electric Hyenas.
- Is that you?

Yes, with hair.

It'll be strange to see
them all again here.

How so, "see them again?"

The Mechanical Hyenas
are going to land here?

- Electric.
- Whatever.

We'll set you on fire, Mr. Verneuil.

On fire?

Fire.

Great. Fire.

- It's a killer.
- Good job, son.

This time dad, I'm sure of it.

- I'm gonna be a billionaire.
- Good.

You can pay for my divorce.
She's taking everything.

- But all you got left is the Skoda!
- I'll take his undies too.

Enough. What's this about bread?

Your father and I have a deal.
I'm taking care of everything.

He only takes care of the bread.
But he can't even do that.

But your mother forgot to say...

in her Tunisian bad faith...

that she won't eat bread
from the baker downstairs.

I have to get bread
from the other side of the city.

3 km on foot, every morning,
just for her fucking bread!

And your car? Why don't
you take your Skoda?

Gas costs money.

What's with the bread from downstairs?

It's horrible. Horrible!

It's very good.

He makes the best crumb!
It's just to ruin my life.

That's no reason to insult me.
You know what he told me?

No...

He said, quote:

"You can shove your bread up your ass!"

- You said that, Dad?
- Of course he did!

Who talks like that to his wife?!

- Who?
- 3 km for bread!

Who does that to her man?!

And who inflicts such
a shame on their son?!

I won't last, honey.

Stop that, Lucas!

So let me get this straight...

You ask me to take the whole brood
to visit Chambord castle tomorrow?

We already got the tickets.
You just drive them.

"Just drive them?"

I'm warning you, I won't
go pick up the Hyenas.

It's out of the question!

What's he talking about?

Are you okay, Dad?

Uh, Charles? I think
your father might be upset.

Laure, I'm busy with Nicolas...

Oh no you don't. Come here at once!

(This is not your room! Get out!)

Speak French, we're not in Beijing!

Calm down, André!

- What's going on?
- Ah, the deceiver!

The Chinese took our room!

Madeleine, André?
Charles has something to say to you.

Uh.. well... it's like this.

We drew lots for the rooms.

You two sleep in the yurt.

What...?

It's really nice.

You think I'm a refugee?
No way.

I contest this draw.

Why?

How do we know it wasn't rigged?

The priest did it.

I don't trust this... this... castrato.

Either we redo the draw,
or I'm leaving this house.

Oh no Koffi, don't start that again!

I'm warning you: there
will be no stew this time!

What she said!

Enjoy the yurt.

Warthog!

Put down that hunting horn!

And go back to your yurt!

I demand that we repeat the draw!

- No!
- (Go back to your yurt!)

You're asking for it!

You do the honors, Koffi. No argument.

Funny how that outfit does not fit you.
Yet it's from your country!

Ah, sorry!

Ah well, "Family Koffi".

- Yes!
- Alright...

Back to your yurt!

Dear me...

Good night, buddy!

- Can we put on some music?
- Of course we can.

Where's that French music channel...

Oh no no no. Play that instead.

It's the 1st album of the Electric Hyenas!

- Were there any others?
- No.

First and last.

That's good.

Well, I mean...

What a shame, huh?

What language do you sing in?

- Is it Kabyle?
- No, English.

You don't say...

Oh yeah, now that you mention it...

Mohamed, can you tell our chauffeur...

that his driving style is too rough?

I'm gonna throw up!

There's nobody here.

Sir is in Chambord with the foreigners
and Ma'am is watching the gallery.

Ja!

The bastard, he's headed for the gallery!

Helmut?

- Hello, Marie.
- Hello, Helmut.

I'm returning this.

My butler found it in the entrance hall.

(What atrocity,
it's the worst of them all!)

Sorry?

Oh, I was just wondering.
That one's new, right?

Yes, we put it up this morning.

Oh, yes...

There are so many masterpieces...

- I don't know which one to buy.
- You still have not decided?

Not yet.

- Actually, I have.
- Ah.

I made my choice long ago:

it's you.

Me? What do you mean?
I don't understand.

I don't care about the paintings, Marie.

Since that first day I saw you,

I can't sleep, I can't eat,
I'm completely lost.

What are you talking about, Helmut?

- You're messing with me.
- Nein, I'm serious!

Oh Marie, let me show you the world.

Helmut, I'm married!

This little man, with his stunted
mind and his boring books?

Don't you dare say that.

You deserve better.
Marie, you are a queen.

- You are my queen!
- Come on, you are too young!

Age doesn't matter.

- Love conquers all.
- But stop!

I'm teaching her the Viennese waltz.

It's a lot of fun.

Tiring, but I love it.
Makes my head spin.

Anyway, I have to go.

Tell Ségo I'll be back. I'm still
hesitating about the painting.

He called her "Ségo"!

And? Whaddya think?

- Magnificent!
- Beautiful!

Not as nice as Jerusalem.

No comparison to the Temple Mount.

Where do you think you are?

It's biodegradable.

Want an orange, Momo?

- Do you mind if I call you Momo?
- Yes.

Enjoy. They're from Jaffa.

The best in the world.

You have never tasted
the ones from Constantine.

I would, but I can't.

Israeli citizens are forbidden
from entering Algeria.

Dear sir.

Because Algerian citizens
are welcome in Israel?

Dear sir?

- Shalom.
- Shalom aleychem.

You know what?

Let's go visit the interior.
It's breathtaking!

Okay?

Shalom aleykoum.

Father?

Yoo-hoo, Father?

I need to confess, I'm all torn up.

Maybe so, but now is not
a good time. I'm late for tennis!

Besides, I face the abbot
Mignard, and he's tough.

He's the Nadal of the bishopric.

- Come back tomorrow!
- Tomorrow?

I hope it won't be too late.

Here we are in the room of Francis I,

inspired by the one in the 16th century.

...to build the castle
of Chambord to his glory.

Is it Marignan, 1515?

Exactly, Isaac.

- Is this the bed of Francis I?
- Yes.

- Well it's not king size.
- It's tiny, even.

I should say that Francis I did not
stay very long in Chambord castle.

But he threw magnificent feasts,

dazzling feasts called the magni...

(What is he saying?)

Is there a problem, Dong?

We can't understand a thing.
You are a bad guide.

- I beg your pardon?
- Be nice to him...

- Claude is not a guide.
- Oh?

I'm doing this to help, it's not for fun.

You mean he's not our guide?
But then, who is this man?

Alright now listen, Dong! Enough!

That's it, joke's over!

Dong? Who says I am Dong?

Ding dong!

Ding dong!

Ding dong!

And behind you, this is...

- Ding dong!
- Madam?

- Yes?
- Why is there a guy in Francis' bed?

- No! Koffi?
- Koffi, come on!

In the king's bed!
The king's bed!

- Are you kidding me!
- Let me sleep, Verneuil!

- Come on, hop!
- Let me sleep!

I'm gonna throw him in the car trunk!

In the king's bed!

I'm known here, what do I look like now?

- Where is Xu?
- Eh?

Your wife!

(Where did she go again?)

(Hey, stop that!)

(Stop it right now, let's go!)

It's not so bad in the end.

No deaths. No injuries. Only joy.

Let's not get carried away,
this is only practice.

- The game is in two days.
- David is right. We must stay vigilant.

- What were you doing at the gallery?
- Nothing, I was just passing by.

Don't take me for a fool.
Are you spying on me?

What's your problem?

Your story with Helmut.
You think I don't get your little game?

You're completely delusional.
Our relationship is professional.

Come on, wake up! You really think
he's here for your paintings?

What are you telling me?
That I have no talent?

- No, it's not that.
- But I hate you! I hate you!

Out of the car. Get out!

Out! Oh, but I hate him...

- What do you mean, your teacher sucks?
- Well, she sucks.

What are you doing, Dad?

I've decided to rearrange the garden.

Are you sure? You don't
want to hire a landscaper?

Don't worry, honey, it's gonna
be beautiful. I love you.

I love you too.

Your avocado salad with
grapefruit is delicious.

Thank you, Moktaria.

- Israel grows the best avocadoes.
- Oh yeah? I didn't know that.

- Also the best grapefruits.
- Everything's better in your country, eh?

Of course, when I say "your" country...

Anybody want some wine?

- Me!
- (Put your glass down!)

- You know, Israel makes a good Bordeaux.
- Oh!

- What?
- Stop it with Israel.

I don't know if we'll make it to dessert.

Not a chance. Unless we call
in the UN peacekeepers.

Is it me, or does Xu
have a drinking problem?

It's not you, they all have a problem!

They are a bunch of social cases.
We can thank our sons-in-law.

It's hot!

Put it there! Of course it's hot,
it comes from the oven...

Tell us, Claude, what's
tomorrow's program?

I hope it's not another damn castle.

Don't worry, I'll pass.

Free time during the day,
theater in the evening.

Theater? That's not very rock'n'roll.

- We're going to my son's premiere.
- Is he an actor?

Yes, he's going to play Jesus.

- Jesus?
- Yes.

- From Nazareth?
- Yes. So what?

Well, uh...

Well, uh...

Jesus was Black! He came from Africa.

It says so in the Bible:
"Jesus had the hair of a lamb."

That means "frizzy."

Ergo, he was Black!

So there.

Yup! And of course, all great African
men have been whitewashed.

- Like Beethoven.
- Beethoven was Black?

Of course he was!

Black Beethoven?
That takes the cake.

And Mozart was Kabyle?

Is the Chinese guy amused?

So he understands French?

That's good. Maybe he speaks it, too?

Because since he arrived,
I haven't heard him speak.

Shut your trap, you jerk!

Now we've heard him. Clear as day.

You...!

Go suck a pangolin egg!

When you act like a crab,

you are eaten with noise.

What's that? What does that even mean?

It means, that I am going
to slaughter you with much uproar!

Stop it!

Stop it!

I can't take it anymore.

- I'm tired. I'm going to bed.
- Don't leave me with this bunch!

I'm tired of you too!

Come, Madeleine. To the yurt!

Rachid?

Rachid?

- Yes, my dear?
- Aren't you coming to bed?

I'll just finish and be
right over. I love you.

I love you too, but that's not the point!

What now again?

Ah, Babette.

If it's the Electric Hyenas,
tell them they got the wrong town.

Alright, I'll take care of it.
You go to bed.

What a heifer.

Ségolène? What's wrong, honey?

It's Chao, Dad. I can't take it anymore.

I need to take a break.

That's terrific... I mean, what tragic news!

Can I sleep at home, Dad?

Of course, honey! Calm down.

Tell me everything. What's going on?

A mixed marriage is all very fine.

It's attractive, that novelty,
the exoticism.

But when the honeymoon is over...

cultural differences deepen
a gap of misunderstanding.

It's just a break, Dad.

- I still love Chao.
- But of course you do.

I love him too, everybody loves Chao!

But you have to think of yourself first.
Your career, your show, New York.

Helmut...

Why Helmut?

Yes, Helmut! It's a priceless
opportunity to have met this man.

Come on, he's great, isn't he?

Yeah, that's not the point.

But it is! Circumstances
create opportunities.

A stroke of luck like that does
not happen twice, believe me.

Sleep over it, honey.

Thanks, Dad!

♪ Ich liebe dich... ♪

Marie! Marie?

Marie! Marie!

- Yes?
- The Chinese is cooked!

- What Chinese?
- Our Chinese! Chao!

From what Ségolène says,
she will leave him soon!

And that makes you happy?

It means that the way is clear for Helmut.

- Helmut?
- Yes, Helmut!

We'll have him for dinner with Ségolène.
You have to strike while the iron is hot!

You are mistaken, Claude.

Helmut loves another.

A woman who is... shall
we say, more mature.

But... her heart has already
been taken for a long time.

What do you mean?

Helmut is crazy about Ségolène,
it's perfectly obvious!

What the hell would he
want with a crone?

Helmut with a crone...
what a load of rubbish!

Know what the crone says? Get stuffed.

What's that?

What is...

What's that thing? A mole?

No, An Arab!

Yeah.

- Ooh!
- Well done, children!

That was perfect, we're good!

Uh, hello? Please?

Can you untie me?
I can't feel my arms.

Oh, sorry, Charles.

And Charles? What's with the 17
invitations to the premiere?

- It's family.
- Yes, well, yes.

I know we're subsidized, but still...

Assuming we'll even open.

A bunch of Catholic fundamentalists
are talking about blocking the entrance.

Awesome! That's great publicity.

Yeah, well, they threaten to kill Charles.

Even better!

In that case, maybe I should play Judas?

Are you kidding? 6 hours before the opening?

- We both know the lines by heart.
- Charles, I already play three parts.

Charles, you always complain
about the lack of roles for Blacks.

Judas is a great role!
I'm risking my life here.

You don't risk a thing.
All we can expect are...

a nettled priest and
three Catholic families.

- It's not ISIS out there.
- Yes, of course not.

It's going to be a huge success.

- They have gone completely crazy.
- We don't know what to do anymore.

Look at this horror.

David built this because of an apple.

And in retaliation, Rachid
dug a tunnel to our house.

- Rachid?
- No, it's David!

What are you doing in a hole, son?

I'm setting a mole trap.

Rachid, is that how I raised you?

Okay.

So far, there are no victims.
But where is this headed, David?

- You'll burn down his house?
- I didn't think of that, mom.

You think it's funny, David?

Your father is right. Look at you.

You are brothers-in-law and neighbors.
You love each other, right?

Right, David?

Yes.

Rachid...

Rachid? Answer to Mrs. Benichou.

Rachid?

Alright. I agree to make peace
if you tear down your wall.

- You won't touch my apple tree again?
- I promise.

For me, it's okay.

There, you see!

- Now it's your turn to make peace.
- Come on, David.

Mohamed and I get along well.

Even if we have some small
geopolitical disagreements.

"Small disagreements?"

No, no, no. I'm talking about you and Mom.

You have 48 hours.

Or I'm never going to Israel anymore.

Into my arms, brother.

Because I love you.
You know that I love you.

I love you too.

♪ Jesus ♪

♪ the fruit of your womb ♪

This is weird. They should
have been here an hour ago.

Well children, it's a flop.

It's not your fault, it's the protest.
People get scared.

Fortunately I have 17 guests.

Jesus, we love you!

I'm gonna punch them.

Calm down, Koffi. Let's
not make things worse.

- I'll get them...!
- Come on, come here.

This is ridiculous!

This is blasphemy!

JESUS WAS BLOND

Behold, we go up to Jerusalem;

- He's beautiful, isn't he?
- Yes, magnificent!

...shall be delivered unto the priests.

And they shall mock him, and shall
scourge him, and shall kill him.

Ridiculous, I don't buy it.

- And the third day He shall rise again.
- Stop it.

- How long does this story last?
- 3 hours 12 minutes.

I asked around, it's a nightmare.

Take up thy bed, and walk!

I have never seen anything like this!

It's a miracle!

A miracle!

Bravo! Bravo!

Sit down!

He scared me...!

Lord...

if thou wilt, thou canst make me clean.

I will.

I chargeth you to tell no man:
but go, and shew thyself to the priest

and offer for thy cleansing, according
as Moses commanded, for a testimony unto them.

I am on the balcony.
Join me during the entr'acte.

Insufferable...

I gotta pee!

Okay, Jesus was not Norwegian.
But to make Him a Gabonese...

Who is Gabonese? We are Ivorians.

Oh yes yes yes!
Did I say "Gabonese"?

Oh, I'm hot...

Stop tormenting me, I'm losing my mind.

Shh... Don't say anything and listen to me.

Tomorrow morning I will be waiting
for you on the banks of the Loire.

- But why?
- To take you away!

Together, we will fly
like two lovebirds to Bayreuth.

We will listen to Wagner
and make love all night.

You are crazy! I am renewing
my wedding vows tomorrow!

Nein!

You're not going to make
the same mistake twice?

Forget that little man.

Marie...
You are an adventuress, you are...

You are a Valkyrie!

- Me, a Valkyrie?
- Ja!

I must go!

Til the morrow!

But what about you?

Whom say ye that I am?

Thou art the Christ,
the Son of the living God.

Thou art Peter.

And upon this rock I will build my church.

I will give unto thee the keys
of the kingdom of heaven. And Paul?

He's throwing chips...?

Yes, Paul!

Move on!

Only 22 minutes left.

Get up.

- It's all over in 15 seconds.
- Alright, I got it!

Father...

into Thy hands...

I commend my spirit.

Bravo! Bravo! Bravo!

- Is it over?
- Yes.

Well done, darling!

The truth about Jesus is finally
restored. This is an epic day.

Stop! Stop!

- Stop...!
- What! What is it now?

Don't tell me you lost your wife again!

I did.

- Ballon de Côtes.
- Côtes-du-Rhône?

Yes, ballon de Côtes,
with charcuterie and French cheese.

Very well, ma'am.

Google says: 6 bars still open.

This ain't Tel-Aviv by night!

Yes, thank you, Isaac.

Three are south of the church,
three are north of it.

For the record, that's a cathedral.

We make two teams.

Women go south.
Men go north.

(Follow me!)

Go!

Eh? What did he say?

Why is he always speaking Chinese?

You sure? South is that way!

Not here.

(Go!)

Well zo, zo...

More ballon de Côtes!

- And more charcuterie?
- Yes, charcuterie!

There she is! Yoo hoo!

Hey! My friends!

- Let's go in.
- Drinks for everyone!

No, she's not here.

There is only one place left: The Bubble.

- The Bubble?
- Bubble? What bubble?

The Bubble.

Another flask of Côtes.
With charcuterie, obviously.

- My husband. What does he want?
- Tell him to go to bed.

Alright, we found Xu!

Is she okay?

She's on fire! So are we,
right, girls?

Yeah...!

- Are you buzzed?
- What?

So what?

We're on our way. Where are you?

Up your ass!

Sarah, give me the address at once!

Never!

We don't want to see you

They are hammered!

- They don't want us to find them!
- Gimme that.

It's Claude. Let me speak to my wife.

Good evening, Claude.
Alright, here's Marie.

Marie?
Marie...?

What's all this about?

You heard my friend.
We don't want to see you!

Yeah...!

My God, are you drunk?

What if I am? I do as I please!

Tonight, I celebrate

my old hen party!

Yeah...!

Bravo, Dong!

Your misbehaving wife has led ours
down the tragic path of alcoholism!

Hey, hey! Nobody forced them.

How do you say in France?

"To each their own shit."

Watch your language.
How dare you say "shit"...

You are rude!

We are not going to argue over our dames!

He's right! We can go party too.

Yes. We have to celebrate your stag party.

I'm past the age for a nūbah!

But you must!

You must dance! Hey guys:
we party nūbah or not?

- I say nūbah.
- Nūbah!

- Come on, nūbah.
- Nūbah!

Nūbah!

Nūbah, but not late.

♪ Nūbah, but not late! ♪

♪ Nūbah, but not late! ♪

♪ Nūbah, but not late! ♪

♪ Nūbah, but not late! ♪

Enjoy the night.

Wait a little bit.

I hope they play rock music.

- There's young blood there.
- A change from our old bags.

Speak for yourselves!
I am very satisfied with my wife.

Same here. No need for this vulgarity.

Oh stop it, you killjoys.

Are we here to party, yes or no?

Good evening, gentlemen.

We only accept only accompanied men.

But he's having a bachelor party.

Don't insist. You don't
fit our clients' profile.

- What's wrong with our profile?
- Yes?

- Our skin tone?
- Our religion?

Black, Arab, Jew, Chinese, not good?

Watch it! Racial discrimination
is punishable by a heavy fine.

Even jail time.

- I'm going to film this.
- Yeah.

- Enjoy the night, go ahead.
- Enjoy the night?

(It's not that, brother.
You understand.)

(This is a youth club.)

(You're going to kill the mood.)

Exactly! You're way past
the expiration date.

Oooh, that's still discrimination.
This is ageism!

It will go badly for you.
I'm the prosecutor's personal friend.

- Rotten luck, my chum. Keep filming!
- Get rid of them.

- What?
- You, West Indies, stay back!

I'm calling the police!

Hit him in the neck! The neck!

What did your father say?

When he saw Mohamed, he said:
"That's an Algerian?"

"He looks like Travolta's brother."

- Hey, how about a change of scenery?
- Eh?

- There's nothing going on here.
- And where are we going?

- I feel like dancing.
- Yes, let's dance!

Good idea!

I'm warning you, I am a personal
friend of the prosecutor!

Get in there! In there, now!

Sleep off your wine!

We didn't even drink anything,
there was no time!

- Get in there!
- Stop it!

We didn't drink!

Hey, easy! Are you locking us in?

What now again?

They all escaped from a
nursing home or something?

- Should we let them in?
- Yes, we let them in.

Ladies, what do you want to drink?

Ballon de Côtes with charcuterie!

- What?
- No, Xu, I got this.

Vodka-champagne for everybody!

Yeah...!

- But dry.
- Yes, dry!

- With peanuts.
- And olives.

Me too!

You okay, Marie?

Yes, yes. It's that music...

Let me take care of it. Yes? Alright?

Can you change the music, please?

What's it gonna be?

Frank Sinatra? Adamo?

Adamo, yes, I love it.

- Is he African?
- Italo-Belgian.

Damn, they don't get it.

Take your evening elsewhere, ladies!
This is a nightclub, not a tea dance.

Huh?

- How about Zumba?
- Good idea, Madeleine.

It will bring back memories.

Zumba doesn't exist anymore.
You need to get up to speed.

Zumba, now!

Grannies, don't break my balls.
I'm working!

- Put on zumba right now!
- Do it!

Come quickly, we have a problem.

- The five grannies?
- How do you know?

Hey, geezers? We brought you some chicks.

Ladies... No, no!

- Why are you here?
- And you?

We were discriminated against.

Same here!

(Where have you been?)

Calm down! Let's not make it worse!

- (We searched for you all evening!)
- Sarah! Sarah!

- What have we all done to the good Lord?
- I don't know.

I don't know.

Hello, hello. Get up, you scum. Up!

Everybody up!

Come on let's go, let's go!

The prosecutor must
have intervened. I knew it.

Time for a quick nap.
The balloon leaves in four hours.

Oh, the balloon...! How could
they have done such a... thing...

- Mom?
- Huh?

Have you... have you heard from Helmut?

Helmut?

- No, why?
- He doesn't reply to my messages.

- Maybe Chao was right.
- What do you mean?

He was more interested
in me than in my work.

Oh no. You're imagining things.

I have to go, honey.

- We'll talk later, ok?
- Sure.

Thanks, Mom.

My Valkyrie, I knew you would come.

I came to say farewell, Helmut.

Farewell?

This word quivers in me
like a poisoned arrow.

I will throw myself into the Loire!

Don't be silly. The Loire
is a dangerous river!

Understand me, Helmut.

In another life,
I would have gone with you.

But now it's too late.

I can't live without my family.

I do not forbid you to see
your loved ones again!

They are all welcome in my castle!

But that includes my husband.
He's part of my family too, you know!

Farewell, Helmut.

Nein!

You're scaring me.

Nein!

Nein!

Nein!

No, not that! Not...

Get up, Claude, it's time!

- You're set already?
- Well yes.

I'm ready. Come on!

- Come on! Come on, let's go.
- Yes...

Next, the parasols...

- Four, five, that's it.
- To the right!

- And the candles?
- The candles go with the flowers.

What's that foul smell?

Laure is preparing a giant salsify quiche.

- We'll give it to Koffi.
- Are you ready?

For your big day?

- I'm all excited.
- And you, Dad?

Send for your sisters,
to say a final goodbye.

Dad, it's perfectly safe.

The pilot is a former
colonel of the air force.

We checked the statistics on internet:

there's only one accident
for every 2235 balloon landings.

- That's nothing.
- Why don't you do it, then!

I think it's wildly romantic.
Thank you, girls! Thank you!

That can't be our pilot,
he has only one arm...

Must be his assistant.

His assistant?

Colonel Jean-Raymond
Girard. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

First, my congratulations.
For your renewal of vows.

Ready for the big adventure?

- Yes, well...
- Yes, well...

Is it my arm you're worried about?

- Oh no, not at all.
- That is to say...

- Is that a war wound?
- No...

Lawn mower accident.

But with my mouth and my feet,
it's like I have eight hands.

In the field, they call me the octopus.

- Nice...
- Ah...

In that case, let's do it!

Let's go!

- So you're by yourself?
- Yep.

My friend! I'm so glad to see you.

Is this Dad's band?
You never did like his music.

You know, me and rock-n-roll...

I prefer Berber music.

Remember how I used to sing
A vava inouva to help you fall sleep?

Of course mom. Of course.

- Wow.
- It's marvellous.

I admit, it was worth it!

- Champagne?
- Ah...

Ah, that's clever.

The octopus!

- Help yourself.
- Here you go.

- Octopus...
- Thank you.

- Here's to you, darling.
- Cheers.

Isn't that Helmut's car?

- It's Helmut, isn't it?
- Yes.

Helmut!

Yoo-hoo! Helmut!

He can't hear you at this altitude.

Yes thank you, Colonel. Thank you.

Let us wait a week...

- to have that dinner with Ségolène.
- Yes...

- Ja?
- Yes, hello Helmut.

Stop harassing me, Ségolène!

Uh... I apologize for being pushy,
but I need to know whether...

you made your choice.

You see, there are other people...

interested in my paintings...

Sell to them! Anyway
I'll never buy your crap.

What's that?

You are the worst artist I have ever met.

A word of advice: stop painting,
you are wasting your time.

Oh, Ségo.

Listen, I wanted to say...

I regret my words.
You are a great artist...

What?

What did I say?

I did nothing, I said nothing!

Shit!

That's it? You signed the peace treaty?

We found a solution about the bread.

You'll eat the bread from downstairs?

No. Never.

So Dad, you'll keep doing
3 km on foot every day.

- Nope.
- What's the solution then?

No more bread.

My God, we Jews are complicated.

Ya rabbi!

- Who can dance to this?
- Not me, that's for sure.

Koffi! Charles! Come here!

Viviane and Nicole have arrived!

Hey!

- Nicole is not here?
- She's scared of you, Dad.

- Why?
- Because I didn't come alone.

Ramesh?

Ramesh Koffi.

Ramesh Koffi.

- Say hello to your new family.
- (Hello.)

- He doesn't speak French.
- A Hindu in the family.

That takes the cake.

So your trip to India...

was to buy a child?

We didn't buy a child. Ramesh
is an orphan so we adopted him.

Ramesh. Come, my darling.

- I'm your grandma.
- And I'm Uncle Charles.

And I'm your gramps.

And he likes to eat alloco,
like a real Ivorian.

Look at his eyes, he looks like gramps.

- You recognize that little bench there?
- Of course I do.

We kissed there for the first time.

Oh no, darling. You refused to kiss me there.

- Did I refuse?
- Yes.

Six times! I had to wait
for our seventh date...

It's still where we kissed for the first time.

Marie?

I had planned a surprise
for our anniversary.

Our daughters put my project in jeopardy,
I had to change the plane tickets... anyway.

We are still going.

To Venice.

The hotel of our honeymoon still exists,
I reserved the most beautiful room.

We land in 5 minutes.

Yes thank you, Colonel.

Watch out!

Damn! She's back with Chao!

- It's better this way.
- Still waiting for my first divorce.

No, I'm kidding.

- Or else Odile?
- Odile?

- Odile with Helmut, it could work.
- No...

I have nothing against David,
but he is so vulgar.

- You're tough.
- Oh, tough...

- Do you need a hand?
- No, no.

Doing ok?

- Just fine.
- Are we going down?

Go ahead then.

Look, there they are!

Hey!

- They are all here.
- Our house is beautiful.

Oh, yes.

- Landing in 30 seconds.
- Yes thank you, Colonel.

Well done, girls. It's a total success.

No, I still burnt my salsify quiche.

That's what I said: a total success.

Totally.

- Grandpa! Grandma!
- Yeah!

You're so handsome!

Claude!

Do you want to renew
your commitment to Marie...

and continue your life together?

Depends, how long is the lease?

Just kidding.

You know, it's bound to be shorter.

Oh. Yes...

Just kidding.

- Very funny.
- A bit shorter is fine.

- It is?
- Yes.

I love Claude with all my heart, but...

but he's no sinecure.

Seriously, now.

It's nice to marry at 20, but you
don't know what you're getting into.

However to renew one's vows...

after 40 years of living together,
in full knowledge of the facts...

that's real love!
So yes, Marie.

I accept to be united with you,

ad vitam æternam.

Me too, Claude!

Nein!

Put an end to this masquerade!

- What's the matter, Helmut?
- Shut up, you arrogant frog...!

Beg pardon?

Come with me, Marie.
There is still time to run away!

I swear that nothing happened.

Oh I see! The crone, that was you?

- Oh please, Claude.
- You bastard!

What's wrong with you?

What does that Visigoth want from me?

Hit him in the neck!

Thank you, my sons-in-law.

Marie...!

Marie...

Helmut?

You owe me an explanation.

I didn't want to worry you.
This lunatic has kept harassing me.

I should have known.

Those Germans, you can never
trust them trust them completely.

This is exactly their
back-stabbing politics.

What a find, these Electric Hyenas...

♪ Have love ♪

♪ Oh, baby, will travel ♪

♪ I have love ♪

♪ Oh, baby, will travel ♪

♪ I said if you need loving... ♪

A bit tired those Hyenas, eh?

They hold their ground pretty well.
Dad thinks he's at the Stade de France.

Your father, yes. But the bass
player is deceased, brother!

- To your health, Claude.
- To your health, Dong.

So, how's that book about De Gaulle doing?

I put it aside.

I found another topic. I want
to write about the family...

about my family.

The Verneuil family, vast subject.

No pun intended,
but that's a colorful story!

Excellent, yes.

- Verneuil?
- Yes?

- Will I be in your book too?
- Of course, Koffi.

It will be right on target!

And now...

I want to dedicate my next song
to my son Rachid.

To his son! That's great.

♪ I haven't always found the words ♪

♪ To cradle your childhood dreams ♪

♪ Together we became wise ♪

♪ From good points to double zero ♪

♪ Paralyzed by so much love ♪

♪ We tame each other day by day ♪

♪ I never knew how to find the gestures ♪

♪ That could heal your wounds ♪

♪ Guide your steps to the future ♪

♪ And all our distress signals ♪

♪ Say, how could they I ever face ♪

♪ Caught between the fire and ice ♪

♪ Beyond our differences ♪

♪ The rantings and the rush of blood ♪

♪ By exchanging our silences ♪

♪ Now that we are face to face ♪

♪ We look alike, blood for blood ♪

♪ Now that we are face to face ♪

♪ We look alike, blood for blood ♪

In memory of Morvan, Milo and Hervé

♪ And if both of our hearts ♪

♪ Would beat together still in time ♪

♪ The lines of our hands mingle on ♪

♪ You send me back, like a mirror ♪

♪ All my doubts and all my laughs ♪

♪ The promise of another future ♪

♪ It doesn't matter if life threatens ♪

♪ What remains of us that's innocent ♪

♪ Since we understand each other now ♪

♪ Little by little the pain fades away ♪

♪ Leaving barely a trace ♪

♪ A small offense, as time passes ♪

♪ Beyond our differences ♪

♪ The rantings and the rush of blood ♪

♪ By exchanging our silences ♪

♪ Now that we are face to face ♪

♪ We look alike, blood for blood ♪

♪ Now that we're face to face ♪

♪ We look alike, blood for blood ♪

♪ Now that we're face to face ♪

♪ We look alike, blood for blood... ♪

♪ Both of us, blood for blood ♪

♪ Both of us, blood for blood ♪

♪ Both of us... ♪