Serial (Bad) Weddings (2014) - full transcript

[Chinon City Hall]

M. Rachid Abdoul Mohamed Benassem,

Do you take Mlle Isabelle Susanne
Marie Verneuil to be you wife?

- I do.
- Mlle Isabelle Susanne Marie Verneuil,

do you take M. Rachid Abdoul Mohamed
Benassem, to be your husband?

I do.

In the name of the law
I declare you united in wedlock.

ONE YEAR LATER

AGAIN at Chinon City Hall

Mlle Odile Huguette Marie Verneuil,

Do you take M. David Maurice Isaac
Bénichou to be your husband?



I do.

In the name of the law
I declare you united in wedlock.

ONE YEAR LATER

STILL at Chinon City Hall☻

Mlle Ségolène Chantal Marie Verneuil,

Do you take Mr. Chao Pierre
Paul Ling to be your husband?

I do.

In the name of the law
I declare you united in wedlock.

Everybody smile!

I see two who aren't smiling!

Perfect. Don't move!

WHAT
.
.

WHAT
DID WE DO
.

WHAT
DID WE DO
TO GOD?



[Serial (bad) weddings]

Paris, six months later...

- Damn, it'll be butchery!
- No!

Odile assured me, they got
the best Rabbi.

All I know is, he's gonna cut
my grandson's weenie!

Please, Claude, make an effort!

You think I like it?
I'd rather be in Chinon.

Ah, these doors are heavy!

I'm not sure I can stand it!

On TV, I saw a frightful report
on cliterectomy in Mali and I...

- Hello everybody.
- Yoo-hoo!

Hello Marie, hello Claude.
Had a good trip?

Very good, thanks.

I look like a tank truck!

- No you're ravishing.
- You're sublime!

- Did you choose a name?
- No we haven't decided yet.

We're hesitating between
Antoine, Lucas or...

Mahmoud.

Mahmoud?

Yeah I like Mahmoud.
Which do you prefer?

I-I, I like all three. But, er...

I-I, I have a small preference
for Lucas and Antoine.

Yeah, Mahmoud is not
an easy name to bear.

It sounds like mammoth, no?

Looks fancy, huh?

Shalom.

- You're such a ass!
- I thought he'd have a fit!

I swear, on my son's head,
I haven't converted to Judaism!

- I sure hope not!
- Why not baptize him?

Benjamin may like to
be Catholic later.

Mama, for the 100th time,

circumcision doesn't
makes him a Jew.

And it's hygienic!
Helps to avoid infections.

Mine's intact and
I'm VERY healthy!

Claude please!

Hello mama-and-papa-in-law!

Ah... Good luck.

Chao, I told you, don't call me papa
it gets on my nerves.

- Sorry I won't do it again.
- Hello honey.

- Hello Marie.
- Hello Chao.

- When do you go back to Chinon?
- Tomorrow night.

Oh, super! Let's have a big
family lunch, tomorrow!

Great idea! I'll cook a
specialty from my country.

Steam dog-meat Dim Sum!

I was joking, huh?

It's starting!

- The circumcision!
- No need to rush it.

Why trade barbs with dad?

Dunno what came over me.
And with a Thai accent, too!

Ah ok...

♪ Eliahu, Eliahu

♪ Eliahu hagiladi

Baruch atah Adonai elohaynu
melech ha'olam asher

kidshanu bemitzvotav
vetzivanu ana milah.

Amein!

Poor little baby! Frightful!

♪ ... he'elanu.

Odd taste...
This champagne must be kosher.

This infernal thing's itchy!

Finish your glass I want
to shower in the hotel!

Claude, Marie!

Here, this is for you.

- Thanks David, what is it?
- Benjamin's foreskin!

- Ah, well...
- It's a great honor.

I imagine it is.
What do we do with it?

Tradition says to bury the
foreskin in the family garden.

We have no garden, I thought
you might bury it in yours.

If you're so attached to it,
why cut it off?

My husband's joking,
give me the foreskin.

Thanks Marie.

We'll put it under
the apple tree.

Don't you like it Marie?

Yes Chao it's very tasty.
Just a bit dry.

That's an understatement!

- What kind of meat is it?
- Ostrich.

Ostrich?

I usually make it with pork,
it's less dry but...

Ah, yes of course.

I assure you Claude, I don't
eat pork but I'm not an Islamist!

- See, I even drink wine.
- I wasn't worried that you were.

Me too, no pork. What're you gonna do?
It's a tradition of millennia.

I'm originally from Auvergne.

I don't eat Aligot every day!
(Cheese & mashed potatoes)

What nonsense papa!

It's OK. That was humor!
I was teasing.

Excellent, Claude!

Is he gonna lick his balls
the whole time?

- Benjamin's awake!
- Can I get him? - Sure Mom.

Do you girls still eat pork?

Don't worry, papa, I'm still
a good little French girl.

Where's the little bunny!
The bunny.

He's still smiling!
Doesn't look traumatized, anyway.

- Sure Marie, he practically felt nothing.
- Felt nothing?!

They cut his foreskin!
They didn't give him candy!

Pardon me David but, I find
it verges on the barbaric!

I assure you Claude, at 8 days

a child's nervous system
is not fully formed.

That's why Jews
do it at this age.

Unlike the Muslims,
who do it at 6 years!

What are you insinuating David?
Muslims are barbarians?

David just said the
earlier the better.

You didn't have to use
that tone!

Sorry Isabelle, but he must've
suffered the pains of hell!

Imagine at the age of 6,
cutting your knob!

Seriously Rachid,
you must've suffered.

Not at all, it's even
a fond memory!

I'd do it again tomorrow.

What a hypocrite!

For pity's sake, cut the
crap between Jews and Arabs!

Can't you make peace for once?

Mind your business. If we
wanna argue, we'll argue,

- huh, David?
- Absolutely Rachid.

At least we communicate.

Not like you Chinese!
Can't tell what you're thinking.

What do you mean by that?

- Chinese are two-faced?
- No I'm just saying

the Chinese make no effort
to approach others.

Am I not right?

No comment.

No opinion. Except for Chao,
I don't know any Chinese.

I agree. Never a smile, nor a
how-do-you-do.

Since they took over the tobacconists
I'm gonna quit smoking!

At least Arab grocers
have a knack for commerce!

How do you explain the Chinese taking
over the garment district from the Jews

and Belleville from the Arabs
without a knack for commerce?

Gotta admit, they're good!
It's true...

David, you went bankrupt
because of the Chinese!

Let's talk of other things.
Where are you going on holiday?

Nowhere, this summer, I need
to prepare my exposition.

Your paintings get more
cheerful all the time, dear.

Huh?

Claude, you know she's
hyper-emotional.

I can hear you!

I'm not hyper-emotional,
I'm sensitive.

I know, dear.

So Mom, what did you do
last night?

We ate in Montmartre.
In a little ethnic bistro!

- Great! Give me the address.
- Sure.

Great, yes, except on our way
back we got lost in Barbès.

That was pretty ethnic too!

- What do you mean by ethnic?
- No harm meant, Rachid,

but for people like us
from the provinces,

Barbès is a shock!

Sure! Lucky I had my passport,

'cause all of a sudden
I was in Bab El Oued!

You're going overboard.

It's true. There wasn't a Frenchman
in the streets. Just an observation!

How do you know?
Did you check their papers?

What's this tone Rachid?
Can't we debate without anger?

You call this a debate?

From the start your comments
have been borderline!

- What, border line?
- On the verge.

The verge of racism!

Racist? Me? I'm a Republican
Gaullist like my father!

- Calm down.
- I am calm,

but I can't accept being treated
like a racist! May I remind you

that of 4 daughters I offered 3
to men of immigrant origins!

And what have you done
for France?

Papa, one:
you didn't "offer" us.

Two:
General De Gaulle is dead.

Three: cool it!

- Come, Marie, back to Chinon.
- But Claude...

Claude, there's dessert!

No thanks, I don't like lychees!

I didn't prepare lychees.

Never seen such
irritable people!

That was no lunch, it was an
Anti Racism meeting! (LICRA)

- True, they aren't easy to...
- I can't stand them, anymore!

That boot licker, Chao,
with his laugh...

Like a strangled chicken.

Personally, I find David hard to take.
Odile deserved better.

Much better!
Odile's a brillant girl.

He's just a loser
living off her.

I thought Jews were gifted for business.
Evidently, not all.

The most difficult is Rachid.

He's the WORST!
Always nitpicking!

We really hit the jackpot,
my dear.

I shit bricks, making
this tarte normande!

- I'm ashamed.
- Me too.

Don't take it seriously.

You know papa, he can't help
being provocative.

Put yourself in his shoes.

Barbès to a provincial is
"Close Encounters of the Third Kind"

Oh, yeah? If he'd gone
to the 13th district

and felt he was in Peking?
What would you say?

Nothing. They're all Chinese,
why deny it?

If he'd said all
Arabs are thieves...

- All thieves?
- Darling...

That wasn't me speaking.
I was in the shoes of a racist.

Stay in your own shoes and
avoid these amalgams, OK?

What if I said
your dick is tiny?

- What?
- Enough!

How can you possibly
be such twats?

She really needs to find a guy
to mellow her out.

No big deal. Chao made a
delicious tarte normande!

Who wants some tarte normande?

- No thanks we have to go.
- Us too. Benjamin is tired.

Damn, how is this possible?

Did you block me like this?

No. the guy in front must've
pushed mine into yours.

Are you fucking with me? That car was already
there when I came! Fuck, we'll never get out!

What a dumbass!

Don't call me a dumbass for
parallel parking, dumbass!

Who are these children?

Come back for dessert.
My tarte normande is super!

If it's as dry as your ostrich

you can shove it up your ass!
- Pardon?

- David, what's this vulgarity?
- It's his fault!

He poisoned the atmosphere
with his allusions to pork!

You couldn't make stir-fried
noodles, you pitiful twat?

This is gonna end badly.

Know what, David? Forget our
appointment and forget my bank.

You can get bent before I finance
your shitty 'vintage phone' project!

Think I need you? I have more contacts
in banks than you'll ever have. Buffoon!

Hey get with the times.
They've changed!

Jews in finance, is over!
We Chinese have the wind in our sails.

We're buying up everything.
Everything!

Deauville, your yarmulkes,
even Israel.

I swear on my Grandmother's grave I'm gonna
smash his face! - Bring it on, Falafel!

I did 5 years of Krav Maga
You'll know pain.

- Aren't you going to do something?
- If I did I'd flatten both of them! - Really!

- Are you bloody crazy?
- He attacked, I defended myself!

Do you see a sign that says
'Tibetan'?

Throat punch...
Typical Chinese trick.

Yes, my little Clovis,
we're coming.

Papa and mama are home,
my baby!

What? Oh you're hungry!
So are we, you know.

We ate some very bad Chinese.

Oh it was awful!

We ate rubber, my puppy!

Bury a foreskin... what rot!
Should'a thrown it in the dump!

They gave us a religious,
sacred mission.

Yeah, yeah, religious. sacred!...

Where's that box?

- Oh, vile!
- Put it back, it's disgusting!

Ugh, I can't touch it!

Clovis, don't touch!

This idiot ate the foreskin!

Oh!

He pigged out!

- Oh, what the hell...
- Don't even think it!

Apart from you, me and Clovis
no one will ever know.

I'll bury the box too.

Mustn't leave a trace. Voila! Hop!

They asked us; we did it.

C'mon, a little whisky.
I'd like a whisky now.

[Chinon eighteen months later]

Everything's fine Mme Verneuil. You
have the arteries of a 20 year old girl.

It's not possible!

I don't eat, I sleep all time...

I must have something!

It's in your head.

You have all the
symptoms of depression.

I think you should consult
a specialist.

Specialist?

You mean a shrink?

Father?

- Oh!
- Father.

Oh God, not her!

I dedicated my whole life
to my daughters,

I sacrified everything so they'd
be happy and lack nothing.

With what result? I don't see them anymore.
I hardly know my grandchildren.

Family life is
complicated enough

if you add problems of culture,

religious and education, it's...

We've talked about
this Mme Verneuil.

What's happening to your family isn't
serious.You need to adapt! it's globalization!

My bishop is Madagascan. It wasn't easy
at first but now everything's great!

I know Doctor... er, Father!

I hate myself for thinking this, but I
so wished they'd married in this church.

It's where I was married,
where my parents were married...

where my aunt Geneviève
had her Communion.

273 Euros?
What's this bullshit?!

- What? Pardon?
- Nothing...

I was thinking of your youngest.
Laure, right? - Right.

She might marry a Catholic.
Keep the faith!

From your mouth to God's ear,
Father!

- What are you doing?
- Don't distract me ...

I'm editing my address on
modifying the marriage contract

with respect to
Community property.

It's a contribution I
absolutetely must do

before the big annual meeting of the Chamber of
Notaries Association of Toulouse, this Friday.

No need to be rude! Not today.

- I saw the Doctor and..
- And?

- He diagnosed, depression.
- Ah, you had me scared, for a sec!

Depression can be very serious.
Many people never get over it!

Of course, darling!
I'm sorry.

I miss my daughters you know!
- Yes, yes....

I know.

I know, I know.

How about inviting them for Christmas?
- Who? - Our daughters,

their husbands, their children.
I need to see them grow up.

Did you see what
happened last time?

It was a bit our fault, too,
with our negative preconceptions.

Before asking them to understand us we
should take a step toward them! - Huh?

Look darling, we made
so much effort, already!

I wonder if this effort may
contribute your depression.

You think so?

The kosher market is expanding,
the organic market too.

Both together will be
a smash hit!

It'll flop.

- Flop?
- Flop!

There are about 600,000
Jews in France.

Out of 600,000, how many
keep kosher? 20%?

- More...
- 30%, to be generous.

30% of 600,000 makes 180,000.

Out of 180,000, a maximum
of 10% eat organic, right? - OK.

Not even 20,000
potential clients!

20,000.
Yours is a micro market.

A microcredit institution
would be more appropriate.

Bravo!

Don't you eat Kosher?
- No, I don't. - Your mother?

- She died 6 months ago.
- Ah! She won't eat kosher for sure!

- Pardon.
- Leave.

Fuck him! (and his race)

- Yes, dear?
- How was your appointment?

- Bad, as usual.
- Don't give up!

BioMitzvah is a super idea!

2 seconds M. Berger,
I'll be all yours.

OK, good news, we're
leaving for Christmas!

- Skiing?
- No, Chinon.

- Family reunion.
- This is GOOD news?!

Jacky Chan and
Arafat coming too?

Gotta go. Have a good day,
see you tonight love.

Your turn M. Berger!

Hey, they have no proof,
I had the 'shit'. I'm innocent!

No proof, but you're not innocent yet!
So keep a low profile and let me do my bit.

Ok bro.

Woah! I'm not your bro,
I'm your advocate!

Meh, advocate!
I eat 'advocados' for lunch.

It's me, dear, you called?

I'm still at Bobigny Courts.
- How's it going?

Pft! A brainless hoodie,
for a change.

What do you mean, Christmas with your parents?

Oh fuck, what an asshole!
Hold on...

This is your 'low profile'?

Hey, what are you doing, bro?
Piss off!

Excuse me dear, I was
with 'brainless hoodie'.

Ye..., no, tell me who's coming?

Don't tell me, Bruce Lee and *Popeck?
(Yiiddish comic)

With Gaddafi and *Enrico Macias?
(Alger/Jew singer)

It's not funny,
Mom's depressed.

Ah, pardon...

Hear that, girls?
You'll meet your aunties and unkies!

Oh, yeah!

Sorry Mom, couldn't call earlier,
I had crazy day.

Yes, I know, Odile texted me.

Of course I'll come,
it's a very good idea.

OK, I'll let you go to sleep.
Kisses for you...

and kiss papa for me.

- It was my mother.
- I heard

[The Turkey or "Sauce for the Goose"]
by Georges Feydeau.

She wants the whole
family for Christmas.

Am I invited?

Well... soon! Next Christmas,
if all goes well.

So a Chinese, a Jew, an Arab
get a pass but a Black?...

It's equal opportunity marriage
except for Africans? - Idiot...

I remind you, I haven't met
YOUR family yet!

Don't change the subject. No problem
on my side! They just live far, otherwise...

My parents are very tolerant.

In Africa, it's open door policy.
Anybody can enter.

There's no white, no black; humanity
above all. - I'm sorry Charles.

Problem is, you come
after the other 3, see?

Yeah.

Be patient, I need to
prepare them for the shock.

I'm the shock?!

Yes, you are.

You're my shock.

My 'shockolate'!

My little Swiss cheese-cake!

Take that off!

Josianne, I'm going to
Tours for groceries.

Ok, Madame!

- ***
- *** [Ar]

- Hello Madame.
- Hello Monsieur.

- What would you like?
- I'd like a turkey please.

Excuse me, is it Halal?

Yes Madame, everything
is guaranteed, Halal!

Even old bourgeois dames
are converting to Islam.

This country's going balls up!

I'll see you out.

Thanks a lot Madame.
Shabbat Shalom!

Thank you, Shalabat
Shalom to you!

Thanks.

Hello, can I to speak
with the cook, please?

Health Department?

Oh not at all, I just need
some advice on a recipe!

Hey, lao Liao, come out here.
There's a customer.... [Mand]

Good evening Dear.

Evening, I'm preparing
vegetable soup. - Mm!

I saw the Dupuy-Jambards
at the office this afternoon.

- Their son Xavier is at Chinon for Christmas.
- Isn't he in Washington?

Yes but he visits his
family for the holidays.

- Why are you telling me?
- Why do you think?

Laure and Xavier could work!

Xavier Dupuy-Jambard?!
He's frightfully ugly!

You gotta know what you want!

He's from Tours he's Catholic
and from a good family!

And not that ugly.

Personality is more
important in a man.

Xavier Dupuy-Jambard!...

Hurry, you'll miss your plane!
- Yeah, OK!

Oh, I forgot...

Mademoiselle Laure Verneuil will
you take to be your husband,

myself, Charles Koffi the first?

- You serious?
- Yes!

I'm fed up being the
stowaway of the family.

I accept!

- OK, gotta go.
- I love you!

You have no choice,
now, it's official!

You have to tell your
family the good news!

Merry Christmas, Darling!

I'm just saying, don't talk
about Tobbacconists! - Ok ok...

If someone spouts
cliches about Jews,

like they're over represented
in the media or dentists,

- you let it slide ok?
- Ok.

But, I'm telling you,

first one who prods me about
Israel, I'll fuck his whole race!

Will you stop all this fucking
"his race", or his mother",

or "on your grandfather's grave"

It's vulgar. Do you understand?

It shocks my parents.

What should I say?
"Jesus Christ"?

Rachid, let's not flog this to death

if someone associates
immigration and delinquency,

just say nothing, keep
it to yourself, huh?

Asking me to be a
coward, is that it? - No!

Just be cool, nice, relaxed...

...intelligent.
Is it possible?

It's green.

And if someone takes a dig at the
Chinese, what do I do? - You smile.

- So I play the Chinese, in fact.
- Voila.

Are we agreed, Claude?

Avoid all sensitive subjects

Israel, the Dalaï Lama,
the burqa, all that.

Yes, yes, yes.

Above all, not a word about the
French soccer team! - Yes, yes, yes!

Voilà! No one would ever know
(this wasn't normal)

Ah, the first guests!

I bet 20 Euros it's
the Chinese.

Don't start!... Put on a tie.

It's fine, we're not receiving
the Queen of England!

Ah! I won.

You owe me 20 Euros Darling.

Charles!

3 hours late!
Royal Air Marocco, it's the last time.

- My baby!
- How are you Mom?

Hey, little sis?
How are you papa?

So you're living with
Catherine Deneuve?

Did you rat me out?

You promised to invite me to Paris.
Still waiting for the ticket!

My bag's packed since 1920!

No, I was going to tell you!

Her name is Laure.

We've lived together for a year.
- A year and half!

A year and half?!

So you're going to get married?

Yes.

Not only did you stop your
studies to be a clown,

but to top it all you're
gonna marry a white woman!

- But papa...
- And cut your hair! Unbelievable!

It highlights the
entranceway, huh?

Eugénie, sweety!

Give me!

Aww! So cute!

Thank you. Who drew this?

Funny how they show a family
resemblance to Aunt Geneviève.

Yes darlings, Auntie Geneviève. Yes!

Give it to papa?

No Rudy, see, it's not a camel. It's a goat.

You like that kids? Pretty, huh?

It's called a Nativity Scene.

Here's the donkey. Hee Haw..

And this is the ox. Moooo...

And here...

is baby Jesus.

He's the son of God.

See you later.

Your Grandma oversells
Jesus a bit.

He's just a prophet.

Yes, just a prof...

Unkie David's right, huh?
He's just a prophet!

Oh, yeah!

- I don't feel it.
- Claude, you promised!

C'mon!

If I may take the opportunity
of your presence,

in this home where our daughters
grew up, to apologize.

I'm sincerely sorry my remarks
shocked you last time.

But it was meant without malice

No problem, it's bygone stuff.

Ah, you pluck a
thorn from my foot!

Because as a Gaullist I was very
saddened to be taken for a racist!

My words overshot my
intentions Claude.

Besides, we all harbor a
little racism deep down.

In any case, I want you to know
that we have nothing against

Jews, Arabs or Chinese.

M-hm! Especially since you're French like us!
- Absolutely!

To be perfectly honest
from the start,

you weren't the ideal
sons-in-law, huh?

Don't take it the wrong way!
- No, no...

Imagine my father's face, if all of my
sisters had married men from Auvergne!

Personally my mother had a hard time
accepting Odile! - I can confirm that!

But, mine were delighted...

Except when I announced
she was an artist painter.

What's most important is
our daughters' happiness.

If they're happy with you,
so are we. In short...

all 3 of you are welcome
in the Verneuil family.

Thank you.

I propose a toast to the family.

To the family!

Problem, darling?

Pardon me, but...

it's snowing!

- Yes, and...?
- Well, it's...

it's the magic of Christmas!

Yes?...

- To the magic of Christmas!
- To the magic of Christmas!

- How was I, OK?
- You were perfect!

- You sure I didn't overdo it?
- No, it was good.

Oh, 3 turkeys!
Didn't you overdo it?

There are 9 of us.

I wanted to surprize
my sons in law!

This one is Kosher,
this one Halal,

The third one was specially laquered
by a Chinese cook.

I'm touched, Marie, but I don't
eat exclusively Halal.

- Nor I, Kosher!
- Nor I, laquered.

Ah.

Mm!

Marie it's delicious! Lacquered roast
turkey would be a big hit!

Thank you.

Can I try your Kosher turkey
David, please? - Sure.

It's good. Want some Halal?

Certainly not!

Hah! I'm joking.

Obviously, I'll taste
your halal turkey!

Very funny! Ah, David!

That's true Jewish humor.
Marie and I love it!

We're fans of Louis De Funès.

Louis De Funès
wasn't Jewish, mom.

Sure he was! *Rabbi Jacob!
(Film character)

Oh, yeah, yeah...

What about Chinese humor, Chao?

- No such thing.
- How's that?

It doesn't exist.

Chinese have no humor.

Huh?!

I'm kidding, Claude!

It's local Pear Brandy
and let me tell you,

this...

is NOT Kosher!

We open the gifts tonight
or tomorrow?

Tomorrow as usual.
Really Isabel!

- Tonight is Midnight Mass!
- Yes of course mama, Mass!

- Impossible to miss it!
- Impossible!

Go ahead, make fun of me...

- How are they doing?
- Great.

Alcohol brings the peoples
of the world together!

I was a bit skeptical,
but it turns out

it's a super idea to
all get together.

- Really? You're pleased?
- Very pleased! - Sure mama!

Aw...

Oh, something worrying you?

No! Not at all, I'm fine.

OK, mama?

You're suffocating me!

When I watch France play soccer

and I hear the Marseillaise,

- I get shivers!
- Oh, yeah?

Me too. My hair stands on end!

- Same here. And I hate soccer.
- You're pulling my leg!

Do you know the Marseillaise? Because
usually players of foreign origins...

Come, sons of the fatherland
♪ Allons enfants de la patrie

Our day of glory has arrived
♪ le jour de gloire est arrivé!

Against us tyranny's
♪ Contre nous de la tyrannie

bloody standard is raised
♪ L'étendard sanglant est levé

bloody standard is raised
♪ L'étendard sanglant est levé!

Do you hear in the countrysides
♪ Entendez-vous dans vos campagnes

The bellowing of fierce soldiers?
♪ Mugir ces féroces soldats?

Who come at arm's length
♪ Qui viennent jusque dans vos bras

To slit the throats of your children and wives!
♪ Egorger vos fils vos compagnes!

To arms citizens
♪ Aux armes citoyens!

Form your battallions
♪ Formez vos bataillons!

Let us march, march
♪ Marchons marchons

That their impure blood
♪ Qu'un sang impur

Shall irrigate our fields!
♪ Abreuve nos sillons!

♪ Tan ta-da!

You gave me the fucking shivers!

You know David

if you wanted to come to my bank so I
can look at your vintage phone project...

No, I dropped it.
3 years; no investors...

No, I think it was complete shit!

But, I'm onto a great thing now.

- Ready?
- Yeah.

Kosher, organic!

Why'd you make slanted eyes?
It's a snowman, not Buddha!

- That's not slanted eyes!
- Oh, sure!

He's right. No such thing
as a Chinese snowman!

While we're at it,
in that case...

I'd give him a *kippa!
(yarmulke)

I'd give him a beard,
for no reason at all.

- Snow ball fight?
- Seriously? -Yeah.

With an Arab?! Are you nuts?

It's cold guys, no.

It's on!

Oh, damn!

- Wait!
- Him first!

- Come on! C'mon!
- C'mon!

C'mon!

*Allahu Akbar!
(God is great)

Oh!

Nothing serious Rachid,
it reminds him his youth!

- Right Claude?
- Yes, excellent.

We came to get you, Chao
we're leaving for Mass.

Coming.

Never mind.

You're going to Mass?

-Sure guys, gotta be open minded!
- What a Chinaman!

Chief of the ball-lickers!

Look who's here, the
United Colors of Benetton family!

I'm so pleased you all came.

Well it's important
for you Catholics!

We're so glad to share
it with the family.

- Exactly. Our religions are cousins.
- Exactly Rachid!

And they call ME ball-licker!

Claude! Claude!

Claude!

Ah, good evening, Jean-Jérôme!

Good evening, Clotilde!

"Jean-Jérôme" ?!

Won't you introuduce
your sons in law? - Huh?

We weren't invited
to their weddings.

We'll get acquainted
later, Jean-Jé.

I'm afraid there'll be no more room
for us in the church. Go go go!

Charles, you must
be wary of whites

especially the French.

The French are bad and stupid.

I know what I'm saying.

When I was in the 3rd Regimental Infantry
Marine. My whole career, they oppressed me!

If I wasn't black I'd be General,
not Adjutant!

Change your broken record!

It's not the whites,
it's your filthy carachter!

No matter if they were
yellow, black or red,

you never got on
with your superiors!

Accelerate, or we'll
miss the Mass!

Charles, do you know the French make a
dessert they call 'Tête de Nègre'? (Negro-head)

No, papa, not anymore,
it's been banned.

Hmm! I'm sure it still exists,
they love it!

I know a cake called
"Le congolais" .

Knock it off, with your cakes!

He is born, the Heav'nly Child
♪ Il est né le divin enfant,

Let all sing His nativity.
♪ Chantons tous son avènement.

'Tis four thousand years and more,
♪ Depuis plus de quatre mille ans

Prophets have foretold His coming,
♪ Nous le promettaient les prophètes,

'Tis four thousand years and more,
♪ Depuis plus de quatre mille ans

Have we waited this happy hour.
♪ Nous attendions cet heureux temps.

He is born, the Heav'nly Child.
♪ Il est né le divin enfant,

Let all sing His nativity.
♪ Chantons tous son avènement

Ah, how lovely, Ah, how fair,
♪ Ah, qu'il est beau, qu'il est
charmant!

What perfection is His grace,
♪ Ah, que ses grâces sont
parfaites!

Ah, how lovely, Ah, how fair,
♪ Ah, qu'il est beau, qu'il est
charmant!

Child divine, so gentle there.
♪ Qu'il est doux ce divin enfant!

Yeah, I'm really happy!

A family torn apart, is so sad!

Don't worry darling Momy's fine!

- Who can it be?
- No idea.

Can you open the door
Laure please? - Yes.

Xavier Dupuy-Jambard?!

Merry Christmas Laure!

What are you doing here?
Aren't you in Washington?

Nope! Back for the holidays.

Claude, look who's here!

Oh, Xavier, what a
great surprise!

- (My God, he's ugly!)
- Xavier you look in great shape!

That's the great
American outdoors!

Did you know Xavier worked
in a bank in Washington?

- A pension fund.
- Remarkable! Even better!

People like you run
the world, Xavier.

Come in. Green tea, or Black?

Black.

What a nice, impromptu visit!

So Laure what do you do for a living?
- I work for LCI News.

- Not surprising.
- Why?

All the LCI's
reporters are gorgeous.

- I'm in Legal Services.
- Ah! - Hm!

- Who are these people?
- Hm? What people?

Are they your gardeners?

You got them to work
on the 25th of December?

Actually they're our
sons-in-law. - Yes, voila!

- Ah...

Excuse me, how stupid.
I thought they...

No harm done.

So you work in legal services?

Yes, as I just told you.

Yes, that's what I heard.

- I don't see it!
- Keep looking!

There, I see it now! Charles Koffi,
my big brother!

That's your name!

What do you think? I play Pontagnac!
The lead role!

I hope you're not
playing the turkey.

You mustn't ridicule us!

- Charles your Dad wants to talk to you.
- Oh? I didn't do anything!

I had a chat with your mother

and as usual,
she agreed with me.

Charles we accept the wedding!

Thanks papa, it's...

Hold on, I have 3 conditions.

First:... the wedding
will be in France,

- in early July.
- Why early July?

'Cause we're going to France, then
and I already got the plane tickets.

- I'm coming too!
- You, shut up!

Second:... They pay for the wedding.

It's only fair. Whites pillaged Africa.
They have to give a little back!

Third:.. if I hear the
slightest racist remark

from your in-laws
about blacks...

Haha... I'll hit them!

Huh?

- You'll hit them?
- Correct! I'll hit them!

You're not gonna hit anyone.
Everything will be fine.

Laure's parents
are very tolerant

For proof, their other 3 girls married
a Chinese, a Jew and an Arab.

What kind of family is that?

Are they Communists?

They're actually nice.

I wouldn't go on vacation
with them, but they're nice.

May I remind you, we risk spending
every vacation with them.

Right.

Why are you still here?
You'll miss your train!

I'll catch the evening train.
I need to talk to you.

Here it is...

I'm going to get married.

- Already?!
- Why "already"?

See? I knew it'd work out
perfectly with Xavier!

No it's not Xavier.

Forget Xavier, right off.

What's the lucky man's name?

Charles.

Like Charles de Gaulle?

Um, yeah.

Tell me he's Catholic.

- Huh?
- Is he Catholic?

Yes. Yes, he's Catholic.

So, you'll marry in a church, then?

Certainly, his family
is very religious. - Ahh!

But I need to let you
know something, first.

Well he's...

How can I put it? He's...

Yes?

He's an actor.

That's not important!

We couldn't care less!

Oh, totally!
It's not a stupid job!

- Can I give you a hug?
- If you want, mama!

Ah, my darlings!

We'll do it on the first of July!
Your father and I married on that date.

It's a GREAT date!

Gotta reserve the church now!

- Lots of weddings in July.
- We'll have Father Degas do it.

Wait, you haven't even met him!

Well, obviously,
we must meet him!

Yes, when will you
introduce your Charles?

Well... soon!

He's on a long tour
abroad with his play.

When he gets back,
I'll arrange it!

We're overjoyed!

Let's celebrate. Oh, Charles!

[went off without a hitch
We'll get married in July]

[Great date. Love you]

One out of four.

Given the circumstances,
we didn't do too badly!

You're right.

No matter how nice our in-laws
are, it's still a relief!

I knew our little Laure
wouldn't disappoint us.

She always had something different.
A strength!

At the same time a fragility

an intelligence about people.

That's true. Yeah.

Ah, my little girl!

♪ [Valerie June - The Hour]

♪ I was on my way back home

♪ My heart was like a stone

♪ With the stars up in the sky

♪ As they watched us say good bye

♪ It won't hide or disguise

♪ My love, you cry

♪ As we say goodbye

♪ The time, was slow

♪ I didn't want to see you go

♪ Oh no,

♪ oh no

♪ The hour tell you no lies

♪ The hour tell you no lies

♪ Tell you no lies for the sky

♪ The hour tell you no...

This is it.

Is my tie straight?
Boogers in my nose?

No you're impeccable my love.
- Thanks.

My parents will love you!

10 minutes late.

One thing's for sure,
he's not Chinese!

Thank God!

End table on the left.

Who's this, the parking valet?

It's not the valet.
It's him; Charles.

- Hm?
- Yeah.

Say, did you tell them I was Black?
They're making odd faces.

No, I forgot.

You can't forget that!

Look, your father's
about to have a stroke.

Hello Papa, hello Mama.

This is Charles.

You could have told me
your parents were white!

That was humor.

Ah, of course!

Laure told us you're an actor,
with comedic tendencies.

We definitely attract farce.
Our 3 other sons-in-law like jokes too.

- We'll get along fine, then.
- You know them?

No, Laure told me. Quite
extraordinary events in your family!

Oh, yeah? With you, now, we have
all the colors of the rainbow!

Lucky you don't have 5 daughters.
- Why?

Because the 5th would
have married a Rummy!

Ah... *Romany? (Gypsy)

I- I like that. Very funny!

Very 'spirited,' even.

Apart from his haircut, he's nice.

M-hm! And well brought up.

- And he has a sense of humor.
- Very humorous. Plus he's handsome!

Exactly. He has presence.

Tall...

sporty...

- Laure's very beautiful too.
- Oh, yeah.

They ought to produce
splendid hybrids.

That's the marriage that broke the
camel's back. I can't bear up.

- What did we do to God, Claude?
- I dunno!

I'm in the dark darling. In
the 'Schwartz'!

Ahh, pfft!

- We're groping in the dark.
- Groping.

Claude! What are you doing?

You can see! I'm cutting wood!

- At this hour?
- So?! It relaxes me!

We raised them
wrong, that's all!

Whoser fault is that?
Letting them go study in Paris! Hmph!

- I remind you, I was against it!
- You're insinuating it's my fault?

I'm not saying that,
but oddly, at times

you were a bit too
lax with them.

Oh sure! With their religious
education I was less strict.

'Love one another':
Look at the result!

- I'm gonna cut the big stumps!
- Go cut your big stumps!

That's what I'm talking about.
Raised wrong!

Alley-oop! Back to your niche.

Claude?

- You all right?
- Yes, fine, leave me alone.

- You sure?
- I'm OK! Won't you ever get off my back?

Oh my God, Ségolène!

Well, it's no big loss.

Excuse me Darling,
but it hurts horribly!

African weddings are something!
You never know when they'll end.

Our parents will never hold up.

Lucie! Hitting your sister's
head with a rake? No!

By now, they should be
used to mixed marriages.

Yes but the repetitive
aspect may be too much.

As they say in Africa
"The last chop fells the tree"

Here she is.

You wanted to see me? - Yes, you sly fox.
You could've told us you're getting married!

- Why are we the last to know?
- I was going to but I was swamped!

What's with the long faces?
What's your problem? That he's Black?

- Oh, please!
- C'mon Laure!

Suspecting us of racism?
Not us!

Mama is deeply depressed.
You're going to kill her!

Am I hallucinatng?! You set me up with your
guys, now I have to make the sacifice?!

We're just asking you to think
twice before committing yourself.

You're their last hope to have a proper
son-in-law... According to their criteria.

Oh, yeah? At least mine is Catholic!

He decided to cut all the
trees on our property.

- Says they distress him
- Trees distress him?

Talk to him, Isabelle.
I can't take any more.

I'm going to lie down.

Mom, it's 5 pm!

Already?

Time flies.

With a chain saw?! -

He's razing everything.
It's like the Amazon!

- Mom is still in bed?
- Still... Doesn't even go to Mass.

This IS serious! The only time she
missed Mass it was when I was born!

For our trip to Venice, she
cancelled babysitting Benjamin.

Let's lift the veil off our eyes. This black man,
clearly threatens the family's equilibrium.

True! And just when we'd
found a certain harmony!

Know what? It reminds of
"Saving Private Ryan".

3 brothers die in battle
and they send the army

to save the 4th and
return him to his family.

Here we have 3 French women, of pure stock,
married to sons of immigrants

- We must stop the 4th from doing the same.
- You compare our marriages to war?!

It's an image... 3 wogs plus one black,
for your parents it's Fukushima!

Sweet France
♪ Douce France

Dear land of my childhood
♪ Cher pays de mon enfance

Cradled in tender insouciance
♪ Bercée de tendre insouciance

I keep you in my heart
♪ Je t'ai gardée dans mon cœur!

My village
♪ Mon village

with it's bell tower and sober houses
♪ au clocher aux maisons sages

Yesterday I had a dream which no doubt
is connected to my problem.

M-hm! I'm listening.

OK, I was taking two black
babies in a stroller

and like...

I was ashamed.

M-hm! What else?

I wasn't ashamed of my
black grandchildren.

But because people
took me for a nanny

at the Gabon embassy.
M-hmm!

- Do you think I'm racist?
- What do you think?

I have an idea.
We'll discredit Charles!

Surely, he has some faults.

I know my black cousins they're oversexed.
Their Achilles' heel are women.

What a cliché! Not all blacks are sex addicts.
- Go to a Caribbean Club and see.

First he's not Caribbean he's African.
It's strictly different.

It may be a
'Green Card' marriage.

Africans do that a lot.

- Not the Chinese?
- He happens not to be yellow, but black.

Lucky thing too! I don't want another
Chinese in the family!

Same here, I couldn't accept a second Arab. Especially a Moroccan!

I understand that.

An Ashkenazi...

I'd kill him!

Monsieur, I'll hear no more.
Leave!

No Madame, anything but that!
I love you.

The moment I saw you
it was love at first sight!

I tailed you for 8 days.
Did you notice? - No Monsieur.

Oh yes! A woman always notices
being followed.- Oh, how fatuous!

Odd; a black guy in a
Feydeau play.

It's modern.

What's modern about a black guy?

Dunno, last time I was in
a theater I was 5. At a puppet show.

Check out the Chinese guy.

I don't believe how childish..!
- Shh!

OK, Rachid calm down!
- Sorry...

- Rachid.
- Forget it!

Watch!

I'm sure he fucks the redhead!

-Anyway, 'love above all'!
- Fine! - You'll keep your word?

Look how intimate they are!

- They're actors, they're acting!
- It's beyond acting, look!

Do you swear to do as you say?

And dump him if you have the proof?

- Yes, immediately.
- Oh joy! Proof, I have!

I gotta take a dump.

What's he doing?
It's been an hour!

He's porking the redhead,
backstage!

I'm proud of you!
You act very well.

Charles Koffi!

He fucked the redhead,
and he's still not satisfied!

These blacks are
Sex Machines!

Come on, we've trapped
our 'cousin'!

Ah, I love Paris,
it's so beautiful!

Ah, so beautiful!

... jealous, huh?

You're a chatterbox, Viviane.
Come on, off to bed!

We have him dead in the water!

- Shoot!
- OK.

Go on, shoot, shoot, shoot!

I feel sorry for you, Laurette.

I know it's not easy, but
you must face reality.

I warned you about blacks.

Are you TOYALLY crazy?
It's his sister!

- That's his sister?
- Yes, his sister Vivianne.

He invited her for
a week in Paris!

Ha ha! Pardon.

That's REAL funny!

(Fuck) His sister!

Between mom and dad
turning into zombies

and you trying to break us up...

I'm about to crack!

There, I'm cracking now!

Aw, sweety!

We'll help you, I promise, OK?

We'll make sure you have the best
wedding of the family!

This morning, walking along the Loire River
I saw a small field mouse. - M-hm! I'm listening.

I remembered, as a child I was
scared stiff of field mice.

-Yet, they're cute and inoffensive.
- M-hm... Continue.

I was wondering if my fear of the Other,
of the Unknown may come from that.

I may have repressed my
irrational fear of field mice,

and it transferred itself
onto foreigners.

Think it's possible?

What do you think about it?

- Field mice?
- Field mice, yes.

If I understand correctly, your
racism comes from field mice?

Not racism; fear of the unknown!

- Yeah, right...
- This shrink is great.

Doesn't talk much, but
I'm making giant leaps forward.

Yeah, you compare our sons-in-law to
rats and you think you're better.

Not rats, field mice!
They're cute!

They're still rats.
I'm fed up with this nonsense!

And stop spitting on
those photos!

Say, I read your proposal; Bio Mitzvah.
Actually, I like it!

- Really, Chao?
- Yeah.

Think it has potential?

Yeah, but 600,000 Jews,
is too small a market.

Why don't you make
Organic Halal?

You nuts? I can't sell Halal
my mom'll kill me!

5 Million Muslims... think about it!

Yeah...

Ah!

That must be the lovers.

- Hello!
- Hello!

Hello, hello!

The paparazzi!

Hello

Hello Charles...

Happy Sunday!

So you don't want any
blacks in the family?

- I'll put this to cool.
- I'll help you.

You know the family situation.

- It's not about racism.
- A bit, I think!

Drop it, there's no excuse.

Sorry Charles, we behaved
like assholes.

No big deal, I understand.

It's only human not to
want to share the pie

- with your colored brother.
- Aw, no! - It's not that!!

- So, WE're the pie?
- No honey, it's an image. Let's drop it.

So who's who? Let me guess...
You're easy.

- Chao, I imagine.
- Yes.

Look at that face! - What?

You two are harder.

Nothing resembles a Semite
more than another Semite.

Hm, I'd guess...
David and Rachid!

- On the nose.
- Yeah, that's right.

Welcome to the family!
- Thanks.

Claude, Claude, Claude!

Don't tell me, you're going fishing?
- Yes.

Charles and Laure
are waiting!

Settle it without me.
My presence isn't necessary.

Claude it's important for
your daughter and for us!

What's gotten into you?

This marriage fills you
with joy, now?! - Yes.

It's 2013, Claude,
the world's changed;

You need to be tolerant.
Open to the world. Listen to others!

You're scaring me Marie.

Really scaring me!

Ah, your parents!

I meant to tell you...

I may have exaggerated
the "open door" Africa.

"Humanity above all" etc...

- Will you be clear?
- Yes, yes!

Clearly...
my father is like yours.

Except, in black. C'mon!

Hello, hello!

Hello Madame, hello Monsieur.

- Hey Laure, you OK?
- Great, and you, Vivianne?

Get back!

Your parents aren't there.
We'd said 18:00 hours, no?

Ah, there they sre!

Come, sit.
We'll stand behind you.

Hello, delighted to finally
meet you M. and Mme Koffi.

We too are delighted!

- Right André?
- M-hm!

Where shall we start; the meal?
A traditional feast, no?

Traditional, meaning...?

Well, French; we're in France.

- Why not African traditional?
- Pardon?

Let's mix it up, African appetizer
and French main course!

That's great!
In the image of our union.

Ok. But an African main course.
Not enough substance in white dishes!

Evidently you don't know
the Cassoulet Monsieur!

I know Cassoulet
perfectly well, Monsieur,

and I maintain,
there's nothing to eat there!

Don't take that wrong Claude, but
at African weddings, we really eat a lot.

We'll need to feed all our cousins.

All cousins? How many will there be?

If you count the ones in France,
and here in Abidjan

the Traoré in Germany, the Coulibaly
in Italy it'll be about 400.

- Papa we don't need to invite everybody!
- Ashamed of your family?

- No but I don't even know the Traoré!
- Who are these Coulibaly?

You... shut up!

For us, Monsieur,
family is important!

For us too. Very, important,
what do you think?

400 people will be
complicated to lodge.

There are few hotels around.

My son told me you have
a large property, no?

Do you imagine it's the
Chateau de Chambord?

No, not possible!

Unless we pitch tents
in the garden.

- Why not 'grass huts'?
- Papa!..

At Rachid's wedding
they were numerous too

we put tents in the garden.

It was very charming!

Rachid? They're Bedouins,
they're use to it.

But here, in Abidjan we sleep
in solid houses!

- How do we organize it financially?
- We'll see to that later!

No, I prefer to talk about it now!
Just to be clear.

What, don't you trust us?

OK, that's enough papa.

- Let's talk about something else.
- Good idea. Let's talk about the dancing.

I hope you like Coupé-Décalé,
M. Verneuil.

I don't know what that is.
Unfortunately.

♪ Coupé, Décalé,
Coupé Décalé...

♪ Coupé, Décalé,
Coupé Décalé...

What's he doing?

Making up his own dance.
- Huh?

Making up his own dance.

This looks promising...

With 400 gatecrashers and
Idi Amin Dada won't pay?

- He said we'll see, later.
- Later? I know the scam!

Will he pay, in CFA Francs?
(1 € = 656 CFA)

No, no I won't yield over money.
It's a question of principle!

Where are you going? - To sleep on the sofa,
I've had enough of your racist comments.

Oh, is that so? Go play with your
field mice, crazy, old woman.

I heard that, Fascist.

Leftist Catholic!

I didn't like how that white
man looked down his nose.

Did you see his suspicious look
when we talked about money?

I'm warning you,

if you ruin my son's marriage,

I'm going on strike!

- On strike?
- On strike!

I have his number. My father'll do
anything to torpedo this wedding.

Mine too, it'll be a disaster.

We should've done a Civil Union.

[Wednesday July 2nd. 3 days before wedding]

So... I imagined a
white rose laneway going

from here.. to there, with
multicolored wreaths scattered about?

What do yo think?

You have carte blanche, Gérald.

This wedding has to be
the best day of her life!

It will be. The shed's ugly
it's gotta go!

What are you doing, Josianne?

Madame asked me to prepare
your room for the guests.

What's this about our room?

Nothing! If the Koffis had us over,
in Africa, they'd have done the same!

My bed, my daughter, what's next?
My *blue credit card?

He's wearing a 'boubou' kaftan!

So? - He always wears
a business suit.

I'm sure it's to provoke
your Dad! - No.

Air France, never again!

- See, what a monster?
- Didn't even say hello!

What's with him?

He created a scandal because
they wouldn't upgrade him.

He bought a Business fare?

No, once they upgraded him by
mistake, now he wants it every time!

I can't stand your father!

35 years with him, mama,
makes you a saint!

Even more beautiful in real life!
Come to my arms, daughter!

The slightest comment,
I'll bash him!

Papa, please...
be cool for once!

Do you take me for an Uncle 'Ben'?

Voila, a little snack
before dinner.

- Thanks Mme Verneuil.
- Call me Marie, Madeleine.

We prepared our
bedroom for you.

- Best room in the house.
- You shouldn't have!

It's fine, we're in
the same family, now!

Well, not yet, anyway.

I hope your room
is not too humid,

because, I can't stand humidity.

Oh, very humid, and moldy!

If you prefer, you can find
a hotel south of the Loire,

the climate's drier, there.

OK, concerning the banquet.

We found a cook who can make

a French appetizer

and an Ivoirian main course.

Great! We can have
Attiéké poisson braisé

with jus de of Gnamakoudji.
- What?

Jus de Gnamakoudji.

It turns out, we'll be fewer
than expected.

- Ah, how many?
- Ten, give or take.

The rest all cancelled.

But, we put down a deposit...

Didn't you get
cancellation insurance?

Well, no!

You should have.

African man is unpredictable.

Do you like it?

Lovely, but a bit small.

For the Mass, I was thinking
a Bible passage,

that we could read together.

That one.

It's my favorite passage.

- Hello Mme. Verneuil!
- Hello Father!

- You're early.
- We have lots to prepare.

The first religious wedding
of a Verneuil girl?

I guess you would be!

You look radiant! It's
a pleasure to see.

Thanks. May I introduce
Mme Koffi.

- Hello, Mme Koffi.
- Hello Father, I'm Charles' mother.

Charles?...

- The groom.
- The groom?

The one who'll marry Laure?

Yes. The groom!

Heh!

Heh!

Why is he laughing like that?

- What is it, Fater?
- Nothing, excuse me.

Heh!

Be right back.

(Ho-ho, ho-ho...)

He's so good natured.
Happy all the time.

9-2. What a thrashing!

I have a shitty racquet.

We have the same kind.

Rachid, can I ask you something?

Can, we finish the match?

Wait 2 seconds, it's not
the Olympics, OK?

What do you think of me in the
Halal business? - Halal? You?

Chao's bank'll give a loan.

But.. Classy Halal!

'Eye' level. (high)
100% Biologic Organic!

We'll call it, AraBio.
- Arabio?!

Yeah. Arab, Bio -- AraBio!
I thought up the name.

What a rotten name!

I told you!

- Do you think it's rotten?
- Rotten as an old tree trunk.

Otherwise it's good idea.

Except, a Kike and a Chink
horning in on the Muslims' business?

It could blow up in your faces.

You'll need a good laywer.

A Camel Jockey.

What do we do?

Hire him?

We hire him!

Thanks guys, I hate being
court-appointed lawyer at Bobigny!

Well... France is just hunky dory!

We met in a court of law.

Isabelle pled
against me and won.

Par for the course!

I lost a trial but gained a wife!

And you Chao?

Well, like them, in an everyday setting
we met in my office.

I was always overdrawn
and was lucky to find

a particularely
understanding banker.

You sleep with your clients?

No I marry them.

And you two?
You never told your story.

- We met in the theater...
- OK!

I've heard enough,

I'm going to bed.

Communists!

Me too, I have a
splitting headache!

But, papa...

Not sleepy?

No I envision (Dictator) Bokassa
in my bed and I can't sleep!

You could have asked!

What a violation! Oh!

What possessed you to
give them our room?

[Thursday July 3.
2 days before the wedding]

Mama, what did you do
with my self-portrait?

- Did you sell it?
- Sell it?!

No!

But you're right,
it's no longer there!

That's odd! Go ask your father.

I'm sure you sold it.

I feel weak!

wait... It's hot.

Odile, Isabelle!

Come take care of your sister,
my class is starting.

Coming!

They sold it!

With the other 3
butchers in the region,

you'll make a huge butchery,

if you'll permit my saying so.

- Papa.
- Yes.

why did you sell the
Ségolène's picture?

One moment.

It's sneaky, she's totally floored.

Think! Who'd buy a
scribble like that?

It fell when I put it in the attic
in its rightful place.

Yes. We hung it up, only when
Ségolène came to Chinon.

- Ah, not a bad idea!
- 'Course not.

Excuse me, I have visitors.

Sorry, where were we?... The roof:
redone in 2007, as was the plumbing .

Papa, what's going on?

M. Perez, continue the house tour
I'll join you later.

- Are you selling the house?
- Yes, I'm selling it!

Don't worry your mother
will get her share.

I'll set aside my office-work,

Bertrand can get by without me,

and I'm leaving on a world tour!

At my age, it's now or never.

Why the dirty look?
After all it's because of you.

You gave me a taste
of exoticism.

With a bit of luck
I'll find a woman, too.

A Tahitian.. Papuan.. an Eskimo, huh?
Anything's possible in the Verneuil family!

-You're leaving mama?
- She'll get over it, dear!

Anyway your mother and I
no longer share the same values, so...

There, what'd I tell you?
She's starting with the Zumba again!

- Mom does Zumba?!
- Yes, your mother Zumbas.

M. Perez?

Come on!

She Zumbas in my ears, all day!
It's busting my eardrums!

♪ Zumba tout le monde
danse la Zumba

♪ On dècompresse sur la Zumba

♪ He Zumba Ha Zumba

♪ Lo que traigo se llama Zumba

♪ Lo que canto se llama Zumba

♪ He Zumba Ha Zumba

♪ Lo que traigo se llama Zumba

♪ Lo que canto se llama Zumba

♪ He Zumba Ha Zumba

♪ Soyez prêts pour la zumba

My shrink recommended physical activity.
Does me a power of good!

- I'm having a blast!
- Me too. A blast!

You know Dad's selling the house
and going around the world?

Good riddance!

♪ Zumba tout le monde
danse la... Zumba!

Mustn't put the old geezers
together. - Oh, for sure!

You ok, Ségo?

Yeah... OK.

Coffee for everybody?

Yes, but mama and
Madeleine want tisane.

Ohh, horrible dinner!

Disastrous.

- I'm so depressed.
- You have reason to be.

We must talk to
Laure and Ségo.

No, Ségo will go apeshit...
and Laure will just blame herself.

No Laure is solid.

It's not her fault if our
parents are divorcing!

Not tonight,
I'm not in the mood.

We're off to a great start...

Not yet married and already
not screwing. - It's not funny.

Good night.

Good night.

[Friday July 4th.
One day before the wedding]

I had a good Jewish friend!

Oh, yeah?

Levy, was his name; a dentist.
Redid my whole mouth.

Look at the quality.

Oh, yeah, that's nice...

- M. Verneuil!
- Oh... yes?

I'd like a tete-a-tete.

It's not possible, I've
an appointment, M. Koffi.

- It's important.
- Ok, I'm listening.

I said, tete-a-tete.

Shit!

Since we'll be obliged to
rub shoulders

I'd like to clear things up,
between us M. Verneuil.

- I'm against this marriage.
- I gathered that.

I'm not racist, but I'd prefer my son
to marry a black woman!

An African, an Ivoirian!

I'm not racist either but

I'd prefer my daughter marry
a white, European Frenchman!

- Ah, y-you're against it?
- Of course.

And to think, I took
you for a Communist!

Communist? Me?!

I'm a Gaullist, Monsieur!

Ah, me too!

Except for his African policies,
of course.

A real disaster!

W-well.. African leaders took advantage
of the situation, too!

Funny, it's always our fault?
Always the fault of the whites?

Precisely Monsieur, you pillaged us
and continue to do so.

You take our riches and
leave nothing for us.

- Not even cocoa!
- Oh, yeah, yeah...

What about the wedding?

Weren't you supposed
to pay for half?

Where's my cheque?

That is so petty!

-Yeah?
- Really!

We're talking geopolitics and you're
wearing me out with your money issues.

I'm wearing you out?
You're wearing me out!

Because of you I
slept in the attic!

Watch it!
Lower your tone.

- Or else...
- Or else what?

I got a bite!

Help me!

It's a Pike!

Ahh, thanks!

Oh, you beast! You beast!

We're tiring him out! Tiring him!

Wow!

Kate Middleton's got
nothing on you!

- You ok?
- Great.

My parents are divorcing because
of me, but it's all right!

Ségo, don't blame yourself...

It's not because of you.
We all share responsibility

She's feeling a little blue.

It's normal, dear. I was the same
on my wedding day.

The little bird's afraid
to leave the nest, hm?

What about you Ségolène?

Oh, no, it's normal for you!

OK, I have so much to do
gotta go!

By the way, did you
see your father?

No...

- Nice catch!
- Lovey!

Ah, it's heavy!

- Argh!
- What?

Dirty trick!
I thought it was dead!

I didn't hit him hard enough!

You all right?

I was in the Marine Infantry
Monsieur,

and no little French fish
will get the better of me!

So, where were we?

The marriage...

I tell you, I'm against it.

Totally against!

What can we do, M. Koffi;
kidnap the priest?

Would you believe,
I've actually considered it!

Me too.

So? Nothing worth eating
on white people's plates?

Hm, for an appetizer,
it's about right!

Koffi!...

Another one of the same.

Madeleine, did you see
my husband?

No, I'm looking for mine too.

They left together, fishing.

Fishing? With all there is to do today!

Ah men... champion loafers!

M-hm!

Shouldn't we call them?

- Don't worry, they'll come!
- Mom, I have a bad feeling

Wanna know something?

Mixing doesn't work.
It's scientific.

How, scientific?

Demonstration...

Oil...

Water...

I stir...

It doesn't mix. There's the proof.

Nice demonstration.

- But in 'chappukino'
- Heh?

The, the... 'cappuccino' - Hm!

The milk mixes very well
with coffee.

Exactly.

What I said was idiotic.

To make up for it,
let me buy you a Calvados.

Oh, for pity's sake!
My wife!

Mine too, Pete's sake!

Hey!

A Calvados!

Voice message...

Let's look for them.
Where does papa usually fish?

Remember the pond where
I taught you how to swim? - Yeah. Come

We're dealing with family issues!
Why won't they let us think?

One bottle of Calvados!

You sure it's this way?

I spend my childhood here,
you wanna teach me the way?!

OK, don't get upset!

- Good bye, messieurs.
- Bye, thanks for everything.

- Gérard, it suits you very well!
- Bring your wife, here's their card.

Now, you'll marry an Ivoirian!
- Yeah, sure...

- Some dessert, André?
- Yep, and not just any dessert!

-Bonjour Monsieur.
- Hello!

I 'd like a Tête de Nègre!
(Niggerhead)

- Pardon?
- Tête de nègre.

Are you deaf?

Is this what you're
looking for, Koffi?

René, call the police there's
two nutters looking for trouble.

Yes, yes, I recognize it.
It's Tête de Nègre.

Full of Tête de Nègre!

No Sir, it's the same recipe but,
now we call it Chocolate Meringue.

Chocolate Meringue?...

You say that because I'm here.

I'm sure with your other clients
you call it Tête de Nègre

- Not at all!
- OK...

- Let's verify this, huh Claude?
- We have all day!

Tête de nègre!

No, Chocolate Meringue.
"Choco-head" at times...

- Choco-head.
- Hmm!

- Dad's handkerchief.
- You sure?

Look; his initials!

I hope my father didn't hit him.
- What? He wouldn't dare do that?

- Is he a savage?
- Savage?! Watch your expressions!

Don't get your Irish up, now!
- You weren't there!

Your father could've made a racist remark!
It's just like him, no?

Initials on a handkerchief!
That's real white!

- Will you let me go!
- To the drunk tank!

It's an enormous mistake I'm a notary!
- Yeah, right!

- I'm with the Verneuil-Creuset Bureau!
- Never heard of it!

You will hear of it, trust me!

Careful with my boubou!

OK?

-I found papa's handkerchief.
- What happened?

Let me, Marie, I'm a lawyer!

Appears to be blood.

We'll call local hospitals
and police stations.

- And the morgues.
- No Ségolène, not yet.

So, André, do you have a lot of immigrants in
Côte d'Ivoire?

Oh, don't get me started!

Lebanese, Arabs, Chinese...

At least you don't have
any blacks.

Excellent!

- What's so funny, you?
- Yeah, it was a good gag!

Relax André, you laughed too.

You know what they say: laugh
at anything but not with anyone.

Hang on, I'M 'anyone'?!

- Watch your tone Albino!
- Get back Kirikou!

André!

Aah!

- Claude...
- Bloody hell!

Claude?

Absolutely, yes Indeed

Very well... Thanks a million.

Thanks a million. Bye.

It's fine, they found them.

They're in custody at Chinon police station.
- What did they do?

Public drunkenness, insulting an officer. - What!

It could be, ♫! Y'know?

Mama they're gonna deport us!

Well, the ceremony's
all screwed up!

Fine, they got what they wanted!

Let me do the talking, ok?

I'm sorry Claude.

All because of this
albino cretin!

I'm not albino!
My old man's blond.

- Seriously Claude isn't he albino?
- Fuck if I care, whether he's albino!

You ruined my nose!

Ah, finally! They're coming for us!

My son-in-law, the lawyer,
will get us out.

I don't understand...

What are you to Mr Verneuil?

I told you, his son-in-law.

- And you?
- His son-in-law.

I imagine you're
his son-in-law too?

Yes Monsieur.

If you say you're his son-in-law,
I'll blow a fuse.

- Almost.
- How, almost?

I'm M. Koffi's son.

Tomorrow I'll marry M. Verneuil's daughter.
So I'm almost his son-in-law.

Get outta here.

Get the fuck out!

(Get the fuck out, dammit!)

I never said he was *Clarence Darrow.
(Badinter)

It's all fine. With any luck they'll
be free before the ceremony.

'Any luck', meaning?...

Some luck.

What are you doing?

Going back to Paris.

Let's cancel everything, Charles.
It won't work. - You're kidding?

Not because of our argument, earlier?
- Not at all! - What, then?

Our families can
never get along.

To hell with them, we're in love,
it's all that matters!

You say that now, but
you'll suffer for it.

Charles, my parents
decided to divorce.

That's a whole other dimension!!

Can you see me telling our children,
their grandparents divorced because of us?

No.

Charles.

Don't hate me, I'm sorry.

[Saturday July 5th. Event day]

We'll make quenelles with this pike.
You'll see André, it's delicious!

That's some welcome!
What, did anyone die?

- The 4 of us need to talk.
- A good, long talk!

Woah, easy, let us catch our breath!
We're hungry.

Shut your trap!

Listen up, both of you!
Figure out yourselves how to do it,

but you'll bring Laure and Charles
at 11 on the dot to the church!

Or don't come back!

- Right, Madeleine?
- Couldn't have said it better!

'S'matter? A glitch?

- Where's my daughter?
- In the train!

Not even able to keep a wife!
Good-for-nothing!

Really, Laure! You can't cancel a wedding on a whim!

I prefer to cut my losses, before
you gut each other in the church.

What's she talking about? We're the
best friends in the world, huh André?

We adore each other!

To the point of fisticuffs? I found your
bloody handkerchief! - It's nothing!

We did a Blood Brother pact!

With your nose papa?

It's too late, it's a direct train to Paris.
We'll never make it to church.

Oh la la! Please!

Please, he's fainted! Pull the alarm!

He's the Finance Minister
of Burundi!

Hurry up!

- Burundi?
- It's working, shh!

Don't worry, she'll come!
Beautiful ladies are always late!

I say that, but I wouldn't know.
It's just what they say.

Ah!

Being a soldier
I'll make my speech

clear and concise.

I tried to stop him talking, but...

Today is a great day
for the Koffi family.

A great relief, even.

My eldest son is
finally married.

And to a ravishing
girl, to boot.

I won't hide that I
was starting to worry,

especially since he failed
his high school final exam

and took up the
career of a clown.

Sonny boy, I'm teasing!

I'm proud of you!

I'm also proud of
my French in-laws.

Claude...

Thank you, André.

Thanks. I'm also very
happy for this wedding.

Even if, to be totally honest,
I'm a bit jealous.

Yes, Charles, Laure, you're young,
beautiful, intelligent.♥

Your whole lives ahead of you. Plus,
you're going on a great honeymoon.

It's a bit unfair. So I decided
to balance things out.

Marie?

Will you go on another
honeymoon with me?

- Yes.
- Perfect!

We'll do a world tour.

We'll take the opportunity to drop in on
Chao's family in Peking,

Rachid's in Algiers,

David's in Tel-Aviv,

and finally Charles' in Abidjan.

Where I'll collect my
cheque from you André.

- I'll send you a wire transfer.
- Thanks.

- Here's to the newlyweds!
- To the newlyweds!

♪ (Coupé-décalé)