Sergeant Dead Head (1965) - full transcript
An astronaut goes into space with a chimpanzee. When they return to Earth after their orbit, it is discovered that the chimp has the brains of the astronaut, and the astronaut has the brains of the chimp. Complications ensue.
(JET FIGHTER FLYING)
(ROCKET WHEEZING)
(WAFS WORRYING)
-WAF 1: Are you all right?
-WAF 2: Are you okay?
(WAFS EXCLAIMING)
Ten-hut!!
Airman Blinken?
-Here!
-Take charge of this
so-called detail.
Yes, ma'am.
Detail, follow me.
Now, if you don't mind
my asking, Sergeant Deadhead,
what's going on here?
Oh, nothing to be upset about,
Lieutenant Kinsey.
Just a little explosion.
Just a little explosion?
Who gave you permission
to have an explosion?
And look at your uniform.
Filthy dirty.
And all wet, too.
May I ask why you go around
setting off explosions?
And why you get your uniform
filthy and wet?
Oh, you're gonna make me
feel foolish, ma'am.
Just keep beating
around the bush, Sergeant,
and you're certain
to end up in the guardhouse.
Oh, you wouldn't
do that, ma'am.
I'm getting married.
To the airman.
My condolences, Airman.
TURNER: Why?
Uh, thank you, Lieutenant.
Now, what happened?
Uh, well, ma'am, I picked up
this whoosher bomb rocket
in town.
A whoosher bomb rocket?
-It's a wonderful thing,
ma'am.
-It is?
Yeah, you see, you light
its tail, and it goes
whooshing up to the sky.
Only this time,
it didn't whoosh.
It didn't whoosh?
No. Then I crawled in
and I wanted to take
a closer look
to see if it would whoosh,
and all of a sudden...bam!
Well, that does it.
Setting off explosions
on parade grounds,
sloppy uniform, and
shouting in an officer's ear.
It's the guardhouse for you.
Airman Turner?
-Yes, ma'am.
-Escort the groom-to-be
to the guardhouse.
-But ma'am...
-Ten-hut!!
Left head!
Forward hut!
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four...
Forward march!
To the rear, march!
Why did you have to
go looking for trouble?
Lucy, honey, I don't
go looking for trouble.
It just knows
where to find me.
We were supposed to get
married this weekend.
I know, Lucy. I always try
to keep my promises.
We've called off
the wedding twice before.
It isn't all my fault,
Lucy, honey.
The Air Force just doesn't
like people getting married
in the guardhouse.
Yeah, I know.
And every time
we're supposed to get married,
that's where you end up.
Yeah... How about that?
Hup, two, three, four.
*
(SCREAMING)
Hup, two, three...
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Come in!
I thought you'd like
to know...
Lieutenant, what is going on
out there?
General Fogg, with
Project Moon Mon...
-Tut-tut-tut!
-Moon Monkey going up
over the weekend,
and all those visiting
dignitaries on the base,
I felt that the safest place
for that nut Deadhead
was in the guardhouse.
You're so right, Charlotte.
So right!
I have a whole file on
that man's personal disasters.
His name shouldn't be
Deadhead, it should be Jonah.
Guh!
-(FOGG GRUNTS)
-Oh, sir...
-(GRUNTING)
-Let me help you.
-(STAMMERING AND GRUNTING)
Well, stop it...
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-(GRUNTING)
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Hmm.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
FOGG: Come in!
Your morning mail, sir.
(CHUCKLING)
(CLEARING THROAT)
Yes, sir.
(DOOR SHUTS)
Maybe a little Scotch tape.
Shuh!
Now, what did I tell you?
Even when I talk about him,
something strange happens.
That man Deadhead has to be
kept in the guardhouse until
-after Project Moon Monkey
is complete...
-Oh, oh, you forgot, too.
We're not supposed to mention
Project you know what
out loud.
Well... It was
a slip of the lip, my dear.
Rufus,
what is Project you know what?
Mm, secret.
But I can tell you because
you're close-mouthed.
A lovely mouth.
Rufus, Project you know what?
We both know what.
Our scientists insisted
upon it once they found out
that something...
funny happens to personalities
up there.
And speaking of personalities,
dear Charlotte...
What funny happens?
Well, the last rocket
we sent up
had two white mice in it.
When they came back down
they started chasing cats.
Really?
Rufus...
-(MEOWS)
-Oh, hang it, Charlotte.
I'm trying to explain this
to you scientifically.
When we send that monkey up,
and he goes all the way
around the moon,
we're hoping that he will come
back down again
the same sweet, loveable
banana-eater that he was
before we sent him up.
-Oh, Charlotte!
-(CRACKING)
-Tell me that you care.
You care!
-(CRACKING)
I care. I care.
-But I think you're
breaking my back.
-(CRACKING)
Sorry. I'm sorry, but I...
Well, become a veritable
bull of the Pampas when
I'm near you.
-Moo!
-No, no! No, no, Charlotte.
We must remain dignified
during business hours.
Deadhead! Filroy!
I don't know what it is,
but somehow, I got a feeling
that maybe you guys don't want
me in here with yous.
-Oh, no...
-Heaven forfend, McEvoy.
It's a social event just being
in the same cell with you.
Heh.
They got me booked in here
for six months.
Too bad.
Aw, don't worry.
I'm busting out of here
tomorrow night.
Don't tell me. Don't tell me!
I'm only in here
for a day or so.
I don't want to know
about such things.
-I'm busting out of here...
-I don't want to know either.
Well, Filroy...
You're busting out with me.
And Deadhead...
-You are, too.
-But I...
(STAMMERING)
McEvoy, I'm very unreliable.
Don't depend on me.
And besides,
I'm a terrific coward.
We're gonna do
big things together.
Lucy!
Yeah?
You're real shook up, huh?
Of course I'm shook up.
Every time I get set to marry
that clod, something happens.
If he's such a clod,
why do you want to marry him?
Why, we women have to protect
all the clods of the world.
Deadhead's mine.
He's clumsy,
forgetful, unreliable...
I'm getting all confused.
Handsome. Sweet.
Considerate. Generous.
He's my clod and, I love him.
* How can you tell if
love is real?
* How can you count the
stars above?
* How can you tell if
what you feel
* Is really love?
* That's a beautiful thing,
I know
* Love makes the world
go round
* Love is losing a ten
dollar bill
* And the feeling you get
when it's found
* How can you tell if love
is real?
* How can you count the
stars above?
* How can you tell if what
you feel
* Is really love?
* Love's a wonderful game,
I say
* Right from the start to
end
* Love is rooting for your
favorite team
* And the feeling you get
when they win
* Love is wishing with all
your heart
* Love is a dream come
true
* Love is taking your final
exam
* And the feeling you get
when you're through
* How can you tell if love
is real?
* How can you count the stars
above?
* How can you tell if
what you feel
* Is really love?
* How can you tell if what
you feel
* Is really love?
I know!
I'll get permission to marry
him in the guardhouse.
(EXCITED CHATTER)
(HAMMERING)
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
Whew.
Whew.
-Phew!
-Rufus!
Her! Her!
Her! Her!
FOGG: No, no, no!
The wires! The wires!
Get them away from her!
Get them away!
-That's right.
-Oh...
Oh, no. No, no, no.
(SPARKING)
There's your panic button.
That's the way
you want it, General?
Thank you.
When I push that,
every siren on the base
starts blasting away, right?
Including this one.
Including...that one?
-(DOOR SHUTS)
-(CRASHING)
Why on earth would
you want to press that button?
In the event
of a dire emergency.
(BUZZER)
Oh, Charlotte.
General Fogg.
This is Lieutenant Dixon
at the guardhouse, sir.
FOGG: What is it? What is it?
Well, sir, Sergeant Deadhead
would like permission
to come to your office
and speak with you.
Uh...
(MOUTHING WORDS)
No.
He says it's very important,
General.
Top secret. Red-folder stuff.
Something personal.
Eh, all right,
Lieutenant Dixon.
Have Sergeant Deadhead
marched over here.
Give him an escort
of air police.
Top security precautions.
DIXON: Yes, sir.
Oh, Charlotte.
Hup right!
Hup!
Remember, Sergeant Keeler,
top security precautions.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
FOGG: Come in!
Detail, halt!
At ease.
Sir?
Sir...
Sir?
Sir, what I have to say is
for the general's ears alone.
Oh.
Lieutenant, would you mind
waiting outside?
Certainly, dear.
General!
Now, then.
Sergeant, we don't want
the prisoner to escape.
Oh, I'm not going to escape...
You will speak
when I tell you to.
DEADHEAD: Yes, sir.
So have your men take
protective measures outside.
Detail, Ten-hut!!
About face!
Forward march!
-Hup, two...
-Sergeant, Sergeant.
-General! Sir!
-Sergeant Keeler!
Yes, sir.
FOGG: The prisoner?
All right, Sergeant.
What do you have
on your so-called mind?
Well, well you see, General...
Knowing Airman Turner,
she's liable to get permission
from you
for us to get married
in the guardhouse.
And you don't want to?
Just thinking about marriage
scares me, General,
but getting married
in the guardhouse...
That sounds even worse.
Uh-huh.
Son,
you came to the right man.
What does that mean, sir?
Mull on it, boy. Mull on it.
(EXCITED CHATTING)
Ten-hut!
As you were.
Now, girls, we're going
to have a lot of visiting
dignitaries on the base,
and I don't want General Fogg
to receive any complaints
about the WAF detachment.
So be on your toes, will you?
Lucy, what's the matter
with you?
-Well...
-Well?
You see, Lieutenant Kinsey,
since you're somewhat
responsible for Deadhead
being in the guardhouse...
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
Well, do you suppose
you could get permission
from General Fogg
to let us get married there?
My morale's pretty low
having my wedding called off
three times in a row.
Well, at least you've had
a wedding to call off.
I'm still waiting
for an invitation.
Let me see what I can do
to raise the morale
around here.
I've got a pipeline
to the general.
Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, nonsense.
I'll get to work on
General Fogg immediately.
And you'll be
the first to know.
Hey!
Oh, I can't believe
it's finally going to happen!
Oh.
General, sir,
I'm finished mulling and
I don't know any more
than I did before.
Now, look, Sergeant...
You go back to the guardhouse.
You go to bed.
Stay there.
Breathe softly.
You be good until
the secret thing that's going
to happen happens.
Now, you do all of that and,
I'll positively guarantee
there'll be no wedding
in the guardhouse.
Oh, General!
You're a great human being.
I'll do whatever you say.
I'll be quiet.
No one will even know
I'm here.
Good, good.
Sergeant, I've always
suspected that beneath that
goofy, accident-prone body
of yours, there exists
a nice, quiet boy...
who, if he lives,
will grow into
a nice, quiet man.
-Thank you, sir.
-(CHUCKLING)
You know I don't mean
to be mean, don't you?
Yes, sir. I do...
-Sir!
-Oh, at ease.
-Thank you, sir.
-No, no, no. Relax, relax.
We'll talk this whole thing
over calmly and sanely.
Well!
Thank you, sir!
-Very nice of you.
-Oh, no, no.
We like to keep
our boys happy.
(BEEPING AND SIREN WAILING)
(SIREN WAILING)
Do you hear what I hear?
A red alert!
-Hit the street!
-Like this?
Do you have any
other suggestions?
Grab a towel!
It's every girl for herself!
Hey, girls! Bring us a towel!
(SIREN CONTINUES AND SHOUTING)
It's a red alert!
Spread out! Get to your posts!
(SIRENS CONTINUE AND BEEPING)
You Jonah! Jonah!
You did it again!
-Did what again, General?
-(STAMMERING)
-Boy, is this ever
a noisy office.
-Grrr.
-Yes, General?
-Get him out of here!
Put him in solitary!
Do bad things to him!
-Like what, sir?
-Oh, I don't care.
Use your imagination,
only get him out of here!
But, but, but General...
But General! Our talk!
-You rang, Rufus?
-I don't know how
to turn it off!
(SIRENS CONTINUE WAILING)
Do you see what I see?
Brass...
Oh, the brassiest.
Sounds like a red alert.
Well, it couldn't be
the real thing, could it?
Knowing General Fogg,
he's probably playing
fire chief.
Any minute now, he'll come out
with a red hat on yelling,
"Clang, clang, clang!"
All you psychiatrists think
everyone's crazy.
If we come
to attention and salute,
we drop the towels!
-If we don't...court martial!
-Aw.
Do you see what I see?
Well, girls...
For Smedley Missile Center...
Present arms!
Good show! Jolly good show!
(SIRENS AND BEEPING)
Oh, Admiral, do you know how
to turn off the sirens?
(BEEPING STOPS AND
SIRENS DIE AWAY)
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Rufus! Do you want...
Do you want a drink of water?
ADMIRAL: You realize
this incident will be entered
on my report to the Pentagon.
What do you say
to that, General?
Uh... Uh... Uh...
I presume it would only
be cricket for me to report
this incident
in my weekly chitchat
to 10 Downing Street.
Uh! Uh! Uh!
The classical symptoms.
-What is it?
-In non-technical language,
he's a three-star dingaling.
Two-star.
Oh, uh, yes. Two-star.
All righty...
Look at the watch.
Look at the watch.
-Maybe a cuckoo will jump out
and join you.
-Uh. Uh. Uh.
Captain... Not now, please.
There really is
an explanation,
you know, gentlemen.
A sergeant sat on
the panic button.
A non-commissioned officer
sat on the panic button?
Why? Why? Why? Why?
Did he think it was an egg?
(LAUGHING)
Oh, Captain,
that's just silly.
No, the general
was worried about
Project Moon Monkey and...
You know about
Project Moon Monkey?
What is Project Moon Monkey?
Well, the security on
this base is just deplorable.
Oh, but it wasn't
the general's fault, sir.
You see, he was worried about
Sergeant Deadhead.
And then his tie got caught
in the drawer.
His tie got caught
in the drawer...
And after that,
the general was electrified
by all those wires.
Oh, the general
was electrified.
Electrified...
Oh, this is a very sick place.
Uh-huh, yes...
ADMIRAL: Now, Lieutenant...
I want you to start
at the beginning
and calmly tell me exactly
what is going on here!
KINSEY: Well, you see,
Admiral, it all began
some time ago.
Of course, I could be wrong.
Then again,
I don't believe I am.
If I sound confused,
it's only because I am.
Uh, what I mean to say is,
the general was concerned
about the same thing.
But he felt if we remained
objective about the situation,
it would be much better.
All right, fellas.
Here's how we're gonna
bust outta here tonight.
Hey, can we break out after
the movies? 'Cause they got a
George Raft festival.
-Don't interrupt...
-Oh, I like George Raft.
Shh!
You know what
this is, Deadhead?
What?
(TITTERING)
A ballpoint pen.
-(GIGGLING)
-Everybody knows that.
Don't ever drop one of these.
-(LAUGHING))
-What's the panic?
Looks like
a ballpoint pen, right?
-Yeah.
-But it ain't.
These pens don't write.
-They blow things up!
-(LAUGHING))
Ha!
You push the top down and
then ten seconds. Blooey!
Blooey?
Blooey.
They blow things up?
Sometimes double blooey!
Ah!
Sheesh.
It's yours.
-But I don't need it.
-But I like ya.
And Filroy, when I get
to know you better,
I'm gonna make you one.
Oh, McEvoy, I don't want one.
I'm gonna make you one.
Rufus...
Yes, Charlotte.
Why are we sitting here
like this?
-With the moon out...
-(FAINT BANGING)
-Yes, Rufus.
-(WHISTLES BLOWING)
-I get a sense of security.
-(FAINT BANGING)
A feeling that Deadhead
is locked away
and will remain locked away
until after Hercules 3
blasts off.
-(FAINT GUNSHOTS AND YELLING)
-Oh, Charlotte.
(FAINT GUNSHOTS)
I've been having
a terribly difficult time.
-(FAINT MOB YELLING)
-Oh, I know you have, Rufie.
Oh, Charlotte.
Sweet Charlotte.
-(FAINT GUNSHOTS AND
TIRES SQUEALING)
-(KINSEY MOUTHING WORDS)
Now, now, now.
Don't be alarmed.
They're running an old
George Raft movie.
He escapes from jail.
Oh! Oh...
FOGG: Hmm!
My, that sounded phony.
(CHUCKLING)
(SIRENS WAILING)
You'd think those
motion-picture people
would learn how to
make a real explosion.
(LAUGHING) Who do they think
they're fooling with a siren
like that?
Who do they think they're
fooling with a siren like
that?
-(PHONE RINGING)
-That silly phone bell!
(CHUCKLING)
KINSEY: I think that really is
a phone bell, Rufus.
FOGG: Oh, nonsense, my dear.
-(PHONE STILL RINGING)
-That is a phone bell, Rufus.
(CHUCKLING)
Lieutenant Kinsey speaking.
(SIREN STILL WAILING)
It's for you, Rufus.
Oh, Charlotte.
General Fogg.
-This can't be happening
to me!
-Rufus?
He seems upset, doesn't he?
It wasn't movie noises.
It was an escape
from the guardhouse.
-Who?
-You...
-Don't tell me...
-Sergeant Deadhead
and two buddies!
Deadhead's got to be
the ringleader!
I don't think
the general likes you.
Smash him! Capture him!
Jump on his head!
Tear his raincoat!
I haven't got a raincoat.
He hasn't got a raincoat.
Forget the raincoat.
Mash him!
Fire him!
KINSEY: You can't fire him.
He's in the Air Force.
Oh, Charlotte!
You know somethin'?
The general don't like him.
And if we stick
around wit' him,
we're gonna get in trouble.
I don't want to get
in trouble, see,
'cause I promised my mother.
Aw. Good boy.
Let's bust back
into this joint.
Hey, wait a minute! Yeah!
I knew it the day I met him
that Deadhead's a regular
skull thinker.
Look, will you stop...
This is your base, General.
Take command!
All right, I will.
I'll take command.
Now, here! Come over here!
Stop right... Stop right here.
-Nobody pays any attention
to me.
-(JEEP HONKING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
All right, men, down and out.
-But ma'am!
-You heard me. Out!
Not you, driver!
It's all yours, Rufus.
And remember,
I believe in you.
Charlotte...
All right, driver, that way.
Good luck, Rufus,
and give 'em...
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Look out!
(YELLING)
(EXPLOSION)
MAN ON INTERCOM: Eight minutes
and counting. Eight minutes.
MAN 2: Green safety
arm light on.
MAN 3: Affirmative.
Have you sent a report
to London yet?
I'm waiting.
I've got a premonition
about this shot.
There!
Good morning, gentlemen.
Everything is A-Okay
this morning.
Why were all those sirens
going off last night?
Yes, what happened?
Oh, well, sir, the sirens were
part of a well-planned alert,
designed by General Fogg
to keep the base on its toes
until, uh...
(WHISPERING)
Project Moon Monkey
blasts off.
Well, that will be in exactly
five minutes at 0700.
Mm-hm.
MAN ON INTERCOM: Five minutes
and counting. Five minutes.
Well, I hope you have
a nice flight,
even though I'm glad
I'm not going with you.
Ha ha.
There you go. Right up there.
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Four minutes to blast off
and counting. Four minutes.
(CHIMP SOFTLY GRUNTING)
(CHIMP VOCALIZING)
Ah, no thanks. We're, uh,
not allowed to accept tips.
-(CHIMP GRUNTING)
-Oh, this is, uh,
in case you need a change.
Cheerio.
MAN ON INTERCOM: Three minutes
to blast off and counting.
Three minutes.
(CHIMP VOCALIZING)
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Automatic locking device
is now activated.
(CHIMP VOCALIZING)
Two minutes to blast off.
Final countdown
now in progress.
-Remove gantry.
-(CHIMP HOOTING)
Check all negative controls.
-Check all negative controls.
MAN 2: Range ready?
Man 3: Ready.
(OVERLAPPING RADIO CHATTER)
MAN 2:
All fuel-injection systems.
Oh! Beg pardon, sir, but...
What's going on here?
No thanks, sir.
I better be going.
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Check all positive controls.
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Check all positive controls.
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Locking device secured.
-MAN 2: Roger, secured.
-You're darn tootin' it is.
Hey, would you tell them
to open the door.
Please?
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Clear the firing area.
-(RADIO CHATTER)
-Lieutenant, Lieutenant...
Oh...
Did they ever
make a monkey out of you.
Rufus, after today,
your name is going down
in the history books.
I feel it.
I'll share my glory
with you, my dear.
MAN ON INTERCOM: 12.
11...
Ten seconds, ten seconds.
Look, the general said he'd
get me out of marriage, but
this is ridiculous.
MAN ON INTERCOM: Six. Five.
-Huh?
-MAN ON INTERCOM: Four.
-Three.
-Let me out!
-Two. One.
-I don't want to volunteer
for this detail!
-Blast off. Blast off.
-Help!
(SIGHS AND CHUCKLES)
-(CHIMP HOOTING)
Help!
Help!
Help!
The monkey?
The monkey talked?
No?
-Deadhead.
-Help! Help!
(WHIMPERS AND CRIES)
Lucy!
Lucy!
Who is Lucy?
Uh, that's
Airman Lucy Turner, sir.
His bride-to-be.
Would anyone care
to make a wager?
How could this have happened!
-Well...
-Just tell me that, General!
How could this have happened?
Lucy!
(PHONE RINGING)
Move him
right on the couch, gentlemen.
-Come on.
-All right. Right over here.
Never mind, Lieutenant.
I'll get it. I'll get it.
-Hello?
-PRESIDENT: This is
your President.
Oh, yes, Mr. President.
You old fool of a general!
Uh, no, sir.
This is Admiral Stoneham.
Navy, you know...
I know there's no admirals
in the Air Force!
How did a sergeant get...
Uh, the Air Force
is not quite certain
as to how the sergeant
got into Hercules 3
with the monkey.
Is the Navy certain that
the newspapers got
onto this goof-up yet?
Uh, no, sir. We have not
as yet notified the press that
the space vehicle is manned.
Well, don't you care
that y'all gonna keep
that jughead from talking?
Oh, yes, sir. We've jammed the
space vehicle's radio so that
the sergeant may not transmit.
Now, listen to me, son.
You get that boy and girl
married, you hear me?
I have your instructions, sir.
And never fear,
the Navy's here.
Stow it, you fool!
It'll take more than the Navy
to get us out
of this tall cotton.
Keep it up, and you're gonna
be polishing a battleship.
That was just sort of a joke,
Mr. President.
You're forgetting.
It's coming on election time.
Yes, Mr. President.
I realize this is hardly
the time for jokes.
You've got your orders, boy.
You...
They shall be
carried out, sir. Immediately.
Lieutenant, bring in
Corporal Lucy Turner.
Oh, really, sir? Do you think
we should involve her in this?
Lieutenant, I am an admiral.
That is like a general.
Bring in Airman Turner!
Uh, yes, sir.
Now, you all pay attention.
I've just conferred
with the...
It was someone very high up.
As of this moment,
you're all sworn to secrecy.
Now, here's our strategy.
This was not...
a foolish error.
Not a foolish error.
This was a well-planned,
well-executed,
secret launching.
Secret launching.
(NECK CRACKS)
Sergeant Deadhead volunteered
to be shot up with a monkey.
Sergeant Deadhead is
a brave, heroic volunteer.
Brave, heroic volunteer?
I knew it, sir!
KINSEY: Here is
Airman Turner, sir.
He will get a medal.
A medal?
I brought you
Airman Turner, sir.
General Fogg will get a medal.
I will get a medal.
For what?
Your brilliant planning
of Project Moon Monkey.
Now, where's Airman Turner!
-KINSEY: Right here, sir.
-(STAMMERING)
-Now, hear this!
-Yes, sir?
Now... At the suggestion of
someone very high up,
you are going to marry
Sergeant Deadhead
as soon as we pick him up
and bring him back here.
I'm finally going
to marry Deadhead!
Oh! Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Now, what we want is
to make him happy.
Oh, I'll try, sir. I'll try.
And then we'll want
to keep him busy.
-Oh, she will, sir. She will.
-Yeah...
(CHIMP GRUNTING)
Look...
Listen. I don't mind eating
bananas with you and
playing checkers with you,
but the cheating's
got to stop.
(CHIMP GRUNTING)
No, no, no. I told you.
I'm not going to play checkers
with monkeys who cheat.
(CHIMP GRUNTING)
Here.
Have a banana.
Stuff your fat face.
Boy.
Some company you are.
ADMIRAL: Now, hear this.
Now, hear this.
At about this time,
you might feel a slight
personality change.
(CHIMP GRUNTING)
Give me that banana!
(CHIMP SQUEAKING)
(CHIMP GRUNTING)
(CHIMP KISSING)
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
John Hiestand with the news.
The White House has just
announced that Project
Moon Monkey is a success.
At the same time,
news media have been informed
that Hercules 3 is manned
by a crew of two astronauts,
a Sergeant O.K. Deadhead
and a chimpanzee.
Arrangements are being made
for Sergeant Deadhead
to be flown to Washington
to meet with the President
as soon as he's returned
from his epic flight.
And here's a late bulletin.
Zookeepers acclaim
Moon Monkey.
Who put that in here?
Hello?
Chief psychiatrist's office?
I need help.
After they land, I know how
to handle the monkey.
But what do I do about
the big ape that's with him?
Oh, Admiral,
I couldn't do that.
And the latest news from
Project Moon Monkey
is that our space hero,
Sergeant O.K. Deadhead,
is going to be married.
The lucky bride is WAF
Airman Lucy Turner,
who is stationed at
the same base with the groom.
PRESIDENT: Y'all understand
what I'm telling ya?
Yes, sir.
Due to the circumstances,
you're asking Congress
to empower me to perform
a marriage ceremony on land.
That's like giving you
an extra star, boy.
I understand, sir.
And never fear, the Navy's...
Y'all stow it, boy. Y'hear?
Yes, sir.
Me?
Performing a marriage ceremony
on land...
Do you know what that means?
Yes. Someone made a bloomer.
Ed Reimers,
ladies and gentlemen.
I bid you good evening.
Project Moon Monkey
has come to
its successful conclusion.
The space capsule bearing
our two intrepid astronauts
splashed down at
4:00 this afternoon.
And here are some scenes
of that historic moment.
Paramedics were dropped
into the ocean
to be near the capsule
moments after it landed.
There was a
slight delay, however,
inasmuch as the capsule landed
slightly off its target area.
About 1500 miles to be exact.
But everything ended well
as we see here.
The capsule is being taken
aboard the U.S.S. Spyhook.
And here's a late bulletin.
Zookeepers acclaim
Moon Monkey.
Who keep putting that in here?
(CLEARING THROAT) We take you
now to my colleague
John Hiestand in Washington
for an in-person interview
with the astronauts.
I'm sorry, Ed, but we were
unable to get both astronauts
for this interview.
Well, never mind, John.
I'm sure news-lovers all over
the world are interested in
what our hero has to say.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Astronaut Chimpanzee.
That idiot Deadhead has made
a mockery of my entire career.
I'm through with this
business, and that's final.
Good night, John.
Good night, Ed.
I'll have to lash him
my whole life.
Certainly don't run
a taut ship around here.
Captain Weiskopf, just what
do you think you're doing?
General Fogg, what kind
of a base is this?
You don't even have a band.
I had to organize one myself.
Him, I got from
the ammunition dump.
That one from the rifle range.
He's a cook.
And that's...
I don't know where I got him.
(CLEARING THROAT) Now, men.
Our hero will be here
in about a minute.
When you see him,
I want you to play
Anchors Aweigh.
Just one minute! We certainly
will not play Anchors Aweigh.
He's an Air Force man.
We will play Anchors Aweigh,
and I will tell you why.
-Why?
-Because it's my band is why.
Sir! Is it all right
with the captain
if we play Jingle Bells?
Of course not!
It's the only song we know.
Here he comes!
Oh! A one, a two...
(BAND PLAYING
JINGLE BELLS BADLY)
(CROWD CLAMORING)
Forward, hut!
Ten-hut!
Your hero has returned.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you!
Cool it.
Hey, uh...
What's going on here?
Well, you're going
to be married.
Says who?
Listen.
As soon as I get into
some comfortable clothes,
I want you to report to me
in your office, skinhead.
-Skinhead?
-That's right.
And that means you.
-And you! Ho!
-Ho!
Hmm.
Pronounced hostility symptom.
-What's that mean?
-He hates us.
Gentlemen, this calls
for a conference.
In my office.
Since we're all in the
same boat together, at least
can't we be friendly about it?
General, tell me.
Before Sergeant Deadhead
joins us,
what's he really like?
Brave, heroic.
Volunteered.
You know he's not a volunteer.
You goofed.
You shot that rocket up
with him in it.
By mistake!
Do you think he'll sue?
Sue? Who cares about that?
We've got to keep him quiet
about what happened.
Or we'll be the laughingstock
of every country
in the civilized world.
Attention!
At ease, at ease.
Sit down, boys. Sit down.
Where'd you get those pajamas?
They look like mine.
Relax, poopsie. They are.
Poopsie?
And what is a poopsie?
Poopsie is who
I call "poopsie."
Oh.
Is there any hot coffee
in this joint?
Of course there's hot coffee
in this j...
I insist on hot coffee here
24 hours a day,
in case I want to think.
Good. Pour me a cup.
And where are the dames?
Bring on the dames!
Now, listen. There's gonna be
a lot of questions,
lot of questions.
Now, I don't think
you've got the picture.
I'm not a national hero,
I'm a world hero.
Now, I know how I got
into the rocket.
And you know how
I got into the rocket.
But do we want the whole world
to find out what happened?
-Hmm?
-Of course not, you clown!
Ah, ah, ah...
Congratulations,
Dr. Frankenstein.
I think you've created
a monster.
My coffee.
Would you like
a little danish?
No, thanks.
Just a little cream and
sugar...
toots.
Toots?
(CRACKING)
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
tell me...
What's wrong?
Oh, forget it.
(SQUEALING)
Girls, what's happened?
Oh, lock the door! He's mad!
-Who?
-Mad? Who's mad?
-Deadhead.
-Deadhead?
Yeah, he's been chasing us
around the parade ground.
We're lucky
we had a head start.
Last night, he was a hero.
A hero!
Deadhead?
A-ha! I gotcha!
(WAFS SCREAMING)
Wow!
Ole!
Love your outfit.
Toro, toro!
(SNORT)
Oh, toro!
Poor Deadhead.
He was so nice
and quiet and shy.
And I didn't appreciate him
that way.
What happened to him up there?
What happened to him up there?
He wants to take over the
Army, the Navy, the Air Force.
He's a one-man disaster.
-Poor Rufus.
-(SIGHS)
Wait a minute!
Wait just a minute.
My whole career...
going down the drain.
I once saw a film
about the OSS.
You know,
during World War II?
They got one man to substitute
for another.
They looked alike so
no one knew the difference.
They were exact doubles.
Make a call, Rufus.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Come in.
(DOOR OPENS)
-AIRMAN: Admiral...
-Thank you.
In the future, buster,
let's not tie up radio
with unnecessary messages!
-(DOOR SHUTS)
-You see, they're organizing
a fan club for me.
You shut up!
-Here now, down...
-Quiet, you...
Careful you don't
make him mad.
That's it! You pushed me
just a little too far.
I'm gonna call the press!
The President!
(SHOUTING)
Well, we'll see about that.
Air police! Air police!
-DEADHEAD: Hi, fellas!
-Arrest that fathead.
Are you kidding?
You can't arrest me.
Not ever again!
I'm the king! Big K, small I,
small N, small G,
with a crown!
He'll say something nasty
about the way I ran the shoot!
Take this phony hero
to the brig.
-Guardhouse.
-(SNARLS)
And put him in solitary
till further orders.
You can't throw me
in the guardhouse.
The American people
want to see me!
I'm their idol.
Oh, boy.
The fat's in the fire now!
-Out!
-I will return!
"Shall return."
Now we'll all be in trouble.
Oh, he'll tell the newspapers.
Oh, he's got a big mouth.
-Gentlemen, our worries
are over.
-What?
Help is on the way.
They found a double.
An exact double!
And he's patriotic.
-FOGG: Patriotic?
-He'll do exactly
as he's told,
after I hypnotize him.
Oh, I'll break that king
to a private!
Is there anything
lower than a private?
Uh oh. A snag.
What snag? We substitute
this Donovan for Deadhead.
There can be no snag.
What about his girl?
Airman Turner?
There will be a wedding
as planned.
She'll never know
the difference.
Have the place broken down
to a skeleton crew.
The fewer witnesses we have,
the better chance we'll all
have of coming out of this.
And have them bring Donovan
to the rec hall.
I must tell Charlotte.
(COUGH) Lieutenant, heh,
about this.
She'll never know
the difference?
(HORN HONKING)
He's here. He's here.
That's the truck!
Hooray! Hooray!
Our time of torture is over!
If you keep shouting,
everyone will know
just what we're doing.
-And if anyone finds out...
-The firing squad.
Now, be careful, be careful.
Don't bump it
against anything.
Where would the general
like the box, sir?
-FOGG: Well...
-The admiral wants you to put
it anywhere,
-but do it quickly.
-Yes, sir.
-AIRMAN: Over there,
on that stand.
-FOGG: Yes, right here.
-All right, you're dismissed.
-Yes, sir.
-And don't let anybody know
about this.
-Here are the keys, sir.
-You understand? Not anybody!
-Yes, sir.
All right.
Now we'll take a look
at our secret weapon.
Admiral, this is a job
for a medical man.
I'll unveil our new hero.
Son of a gun!
He's the spitting image
of Deadhead.
Sergeant Donovan
reporting as ordered, sir.
Oh, everything is beautiful.
Beautiful.
FOGG: He's a dead ringer.
He's Deadhead.
Attention, Sergeant Donovan.
Yes, sir.
Allow me.
-Thank you, sir.
-Oh, not at all, my boy.
Not at all.
Tell me, Sergeant Donovan,
do you love your country?
Oh, yes, sir. I do.
And you would do anything
in the world for your country?
I would, sir.
Well, we have a very beautiful
and healthy young girl that
we want you to marry.
Yes, sir.
But, sir?
I don't even know her.
Oh, yes, you do.
You're engaged to her.
I am?
Well, Sergeant Deadhead
is engaged to her.
And you are Sergeant Deadhead.
-No, sir.
-Well, for the time being.
Yes, sir.
-Sir?
-Hm?
How far do I go with this?
(CHUCKLING) Well,
as far as you have to.
-But, sir...
-Now, for your country.
Yes, sir! From this moment on,
I will comport myself
as I imagine
the real Deadhead might.
Yuch.
The wedding's been postponed
so many times,
I wouldn't be surprised if
the dress didn't even fit.
Well, there's only one way
to find out.
Let's get in it and see.
Boy, there sure has been a lot
of mystery about this wedding.
I can't understand why
I haven't been able to see
the groom all day.
Well, you know that
Captain Weiskopf is
a very strange man.
He thinks it's bad luck to see
the groom before the wedding.
Well, nothing can
go wrong now.
Nothing can go wrong.
Maybe I should tell you
a few of my experiences.
* I find myself alone
most every night
* Or maybe with some friends
or others
* Somehow, it doesn't
seem quite right
* Always a friend,
never a lover *
But...
* You should've seen
the one that got away
* Why, I remember just
the other day
* A captain with a 40-foot
yacht
* Asked me to forget
him not
* I thought I had him
right on the hook
* But then he took another
look
* You should've seen the one
that got away
* Tall and handsome,
with a touch of gray
* I thought I'd cook
a dinner for him
* One to be a winner for
him
* The steaks were rare,
but the stakes were higher
* I burned the steak,
put out his fire
* I admit, I played the
game
* The game of love
I love
* Well, I may lose,
but just the same
* When I begin,
I play to win
* You should've seen the
one that got away
* The one that said his love
was here to stay
* As I recall,
it was new years eve
* I guess that I was just
naive
* Before the year was
one day old
* His love had went and left
me cold
* I guess there's nothing left
for me to say
* You should've seen the one,
you should've seen the one
* You should've seen the one
that got away *
Let me outta here.
(KNOCKING)
Let me outta here!
I wanna get outta here.
Get me out!
(CLANGING)
Frankie?
How come Admiral Stoneham
made us shove cotton
in our ears for this detail?
Sorry, Charlie.
I can't hear you.
You're forgetting that
Admiral Stoneham made us
shove cotton in our ears.
I can't hear your answer
anyway, Frankie.
I have the cotton we got
shoved in our ears.
Now I'm mad.
Now I'm really mad.
(CACKLING)
Now, you watch me carefully,
and when I give you
the signal,
you play Lohengrin's
Wedding March.
Right. Only we can't.
What do you mean,
"You can't?"
The only song we know is
Jingle Bells.
Jingle Bells?
Jingle Bells.
Lucy, will you settle
for Jingle Bells?
Oh, I'll settle for...
Him.
Attention!
As you were.
She's beautiful.
Naturally, naturally.
Glad you like her, my boy.
You think she'll know that I'm
not who I'm supposed to be?
If she does,
I'll plead insanity.
Oh, you're beautiful.
Deadhead, somehow you
look different.
(WHISPERING)
He looks different, she says.
You're different and yet
you look the same.
You're beautiful.
I know what it is.
It's the way you look at me.
As if you're seeing me
for the first time.
It's true.
Darling?
You know, you've never said,
"I love you."
I've never really
seen you before.
Do you realize that
in all the time
we've been engaged,
you've never even
held my hand?
He hasn't? I mean...
I haven't?
But after we're married...
Charlotte, there's...
There's something I want
to ask you.
Yes, Rufus, what is it?
(EXPLOSION)
-(SHOUTING)
-Rufus, you were
trying to say?
-(BAND PLAYING JINGLE BELLS )
-What is going on here?
(CACKLES)
Bring him back, or I'll have
you both court-martialed.
-Yes, sir.
-Yes, sir.
I think he went that way.
No, I think he went that way.
Let's go this way.
Hey, what are doing?
Admiral Stoneham, they can't
take him away from me now.
Here now, here now.
Unhand this man.
But, sir, he's escaped.
Escaped? How can he escape?
He's here.
Right. Not him. It's the...
Well... It doesn't matter.
Whoever it is,
go and find him!
Now, you men
don't stand around.
Spread out. Go and find him.
Ah!
-Hold it.
-Hold it!
-We gotta get in!
-Hold it!
(SCREAMING)
(CLAMORING)
-There he goes!
-Where?
BAND MEMBERS: All right!
Wait a minute! Hold on!
Everything's going to
be beautiful, and the wedding
will continue as planned.
(STAMMERING)
Hey! Come back!
Come back!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
There he is!
Frankie? I got a feeling
there's a promotion
for us in this.
We've caught him!
We captured the imposter!
Charlie,
you're forgetting something.
We're the ones
who let him escape.
Oh, yeah.
Back to the guardhouse,
Deadhead.
Boys, we found him!
We found him!
Let's get him back
to the rec hall and go on
with the wedding.
-Yeah!
-C'mon, pick him up.
Boy, will the lieutenant
be glad to hear about this!
C'mon, fellas.
Bring him along.
(UNINTELLIGIBLE EXCLAIMING)
There he is!
They killed him!
-(DEADHEAD GROANING)
-No, he's all right. He's just
knocked out a little.
Deadhead, Deadhead,
speak to me. Speak to me.
KINSEY: Speak to her,
honey...funny.
Oh, this is going to be
a very quick ceremony.
Do you take this man to be
your lawful wedded husband?
Oh, I do, I do.
(SHOUTING) Do you take
this woman to be
your lawful wedded wife?
-(GRUNTING)
-He said, "I do."
-I heard him.
-You sure he said, "I do"?
Would I tell a fib?
Well, by the authority
vested in me, I now
pronounce you man and wife.
Well, what about
the wedding ring?
-Uh...
-TURNER: Yeah.
What about the wedding ring?
Why bring that up now?
Well, I just happen
to have one with me.
TURNER: You have
a wedding ring?
One never knows
when one might need one.
Why, marvelous, marvelous.
This makes it official.
(BAND BADLY PLAYING
JINGLE BELLS )
What are you doing?
It suddenly came to me.
He...
We've married her to...
Deadhead! You traitor!
-Oh!
-(SHOUTING)
-TURNER: Deadhead!
-FOGG: Come back here!
-MEN: Stop him! Stop him!
-TURNER: Deadhead!
Stop him! Bring him back!
Bring back the happy groom!
(SHOUTING AND WHISTLE BLOWING)
Oh...
You, Airman.
Take her to her quarters.
Yes, sir.
And I'm a doctor.
I'll examine her.
That won't be necessary.
Begging to report, sir.
The escapee is
in the guardhouse.
Bring whoever it is in the
guardhouse to General Fogg's
office immediately.
Yes, sir!
Which one do you think it is?
Does it really matter?
Can you really perform
a wedding ceremony?
Well, you heard the President.
On land or at sea.
Rufus, this is it.
Darn the torpedoes
and full speed ahead!
(BAND STARTS JINGLE BELLS )
-Here's the prisoner, sir.
-Dismissed.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Sergeant Donovan...
We're very sorry
you were placed under arrest.
It was a natural mistake.
You look so much like
Sergeant Deadhead that...
Ew.
Actually, though, they are
really married, aren't they?
I performed the ceremony.
You were there.
Donovan, we must carry on.
Navy tradition, you know.
And Air Force.
But, sir.
I'm not married to her.
You said that
Sergeant Deadhead is.
Oh...
Who's going to tell her?
Sergeant...
You put that away.
Tell me.
Don't you like girls?
Oh, yes, sir.
Very much.
Then why don't you want
to take her on a honeymoon?
But, but what if she questions
me about certain things that
she and Sergeant Deadhead
used to do?
Well, fake it, my boy.
Fake it.
FOGG: It's only for
a couple of weeks.
We'll arrange a honeymoon
at some nice hotel in town.
Honeymoon...
A couple of weeks with Lucy.
And just yesterday,
I didn't know she existed.
All right, sir.
I'll do it. For my country.
Oh, that is nice.
That's very, very nice.
-DONOVAN: Thank you, sir.
-Isn't that nice?
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)
Mm-hm.
Papers, soldier?
Sure.
No, sir, I couldn't take
any money. Not from you.
-What do you mean?
-You're a hero.
(CHUCKLING)
Hey, that's me!
Yeah.
And how about
that wife of yours?
Va-va-va-voom!
My wife?
Va-va-va?
I didn't pose
for that picture.
You didn't?
No.
He's an imposter.
And he's on my honeymoon
with my wife!
Your wife?
That's right!
At a special party
held in the honor of...
Sergeant O.K. Deadhead.
That's me.
At the Francette Hotel...
Are you sure you're not
the imposter, mister?
Son...
Sonny boy...
You're looking at the hero.
The king! Capital K,
capital I, capital...
Papers! Papers!
You miserable...
The Francette Hotel, huh?
* Oh, there he goes,
he's the one, he's the one
* He goes around breaking
hearts just for fun
* Gives you a kiss,
then he runs away
* His love tomorrow,
and his love today
* He's a two timing angel
with parts in his hair
* A two timing angel,
the devil makes kill,
it's a sign, though
* Oh, there he goes,
he's the one, he's the one
* I love you so,
I love so
* But there he goes,
there he goes
* There he goes,
there he goes
* I need him,
and I want him
* Oh, there he goes,
he's the one, he's the one
* There he goes, bless
your soul, bless your soul
* He is the kind,
makes you don't get skin old
* He gives his heart to
the first girl he meets
* His love is yours,
but never for keeps
* He's a two timing angel
with parts in his hair
* A two timing angel,
the devil makes kill,
it's a sign, though
* Oh, there he goes,
he's the one, he's the one
* There he goes
(APPLAUSE)
The bridal suite
is ready, sir.
All right.
Va-va-va-voom!
The bridal suite?
Well, good night, honey.
Hey, wait a minute.
Where are you going?
Well, I've got a...
a speech or something.
Oh, I'm sure General Fogg
would give us permission
to, uh...
talk and
really get to know each other.
Get to know each other?
Talk! Oh, yes.
We, we've got lots
of talking to do.
Would you excuse me?
Is the general forgetting that
I'm not married to this girl?
Sergeant Deadhead is.
Charlotte, what can I tell the
lad in a situation like this?
Let me, General.
Sergeant, in the words of
William Tecumseh Sherman...
-Yes?
-"War is Hell."
Good night.
Well, come on, darling.
You don't have to be bashful.
Oh, I'm not bashful. It's...
Well, it's...
It's just that...
Well, I've never
done this before.
TURNER: Neither have I,
darling.
Oh, that must be
the bridal suite.
Oh...
Sweetheart.
(IMITATING W.C. FIELDS)
Yes, yes.
Coming, my little chickadee.
Look. Isn't it beautiful?
Beautiful.
Oh, I like that.
Yes, that was
quite an experience
as I remember it. Uh...
-Navy... Yak yak.
-And then when the fog
cleared,
we, uh, we saw the sub right
on our starboard side, so...
-Sir.
-ADMIRAL: I gave
the order to fire,
and we hit her right smack
in the middle.
What?
-ADMIRAL: You remember that,
don't you?
-WOMAN: No.
ADMIRAL: Oh, no.
You weren't there, were you?
-Pardon me. Pardon me.
-General, what is it? What...
-Uh...
-Yeah.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
please excuse us.
-Top-secret meeting.
-Top-secret meeting.
(EXCITED CONVERSATION)
Sweetheart...
Popsie doesn't like
to be kept waiting.
Ah...
I'm here.
Whoa...
Are you here!
Oh, just one more minute,
darling.
I want to put on some perfume.
Who needs perfume?
-ADMIRAL: Open the door!
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Open this door immediately!
-(KNOCKING)
-FOGG: This is
your commanding officer.
Open this door!
-(KNOCKING)
-ADMIRAL: Open the door!
If you don't open that door,
I'll break it down!
Guard, break the door down.
Uh...
Anything I hate
is a smart a...
lieutenant.
All right. We know you're
here. Come on out.
You're completely surrounded.
What is going on here?
Where is he?
-Who?
-Deadhead.
He's standing
right next to you.
-But...
-Why, so he is.
But, but, but... Ow!
There's something strange
going on here.
Well, Lucy, I'll tell ya...
Wow, wow...
We understand there's
some curiosity-seekers around.
We don't want them
to bother you.
Until you crashed,
Admiral Stoneham,
my husband and I were
alone together, preparing
to celebrate our honeymoon.
Isn't that so, darling?
I'm sure I'm speaking
for both of us.
Could we be left
alone together? Please?
Why, yes, Admiral.
I think we owe the lovebirds
a little privacy.
Oh, yes. Certainly.
Of course, of course.
No, Admiral.
Admiral, General,
don't leave me. Don't...
Wow, wow, wow.
Good night,
young lovers.
Whoever you are.
(DOOR SHUTS)
I don't understand you,
Deadhead.
First, you're chasing me.
Now, I have to chase you.
You're a regular
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Oh, well, I, uh...
Um... My feet hurt.
Oh... Playing hard to get.
How come you were
so brave before?
I'm just a little tired.
You know...
-Being sent up into space
and like that...
-Mm.
-Yeah...
-Oh...
Kind of tiring...
Him's tired.
I know just the thing
to relax you.
You do?
Mm-hm.
Mommy does.
Here, now!
But first...
We'll take this jacket off.
-We will?
-Mm-hm.
I'll make you nice and comfy.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(WHISTLES)
* Some people like a game of
golf
* And maybe tennis,
they're fond of
* But the game I see,
for you and me
* Let's play love
(CLEARING THROAT)
* Some fellas like a game
of chess
* Or maybe checkers,
they're fond of
* Now, those games I'll try,
and so, goodbye
* Uh-uh.
Let's play love
* No one has to know the
rules
* We'll make 'em as we
go
* I know I'd be a fool
* If I didn't love you so
* Make yourself comfortable
-I'm fine.
* Take your tie and your
shoes off
* -Here?
And relax, my friend,
just give in
* Let's play love
Oh...
And now, we'll
take off his tie.
Wh... What if someone
should walk in?
Don't worry.
The door's locked.
And now...
What? What? What?
We'll take his shirt off.
Sure.
Mm? And I'll fix you
a nice, warm bath.
That'd be nice...bath.
And then I'll scrub your back.
A wife should scrub
her husband's back.
Could we talk about that?
Ohh... He's bashful...
Now, you just wait right here
and relax,
and Mommy will go
get your tub ready.
(DOOR SHUTS)
(WATER RUNNING)
Man, that's smooth.
Now, my shy, little petunia.
Va-va-va-voom!
Hey, what got into you?
* I'm ready now to play the
game
-Come here, baby.
* To play the game that I'm
fond of
-Hm, it's about time.
* And it's gonna be,
just you and me
* -Oh, baby.
Let's play love
* Well, that's what I've been
waiting for *
You don't have to wait
any longer.
* Now, you're the guy that
I dreamed of
-But, of course.
* And I'm glad to see,
it's you and me
* Mm, let's play love
* No one has to know the
rules
* We'll make 'em as
we go
* I know I'd be a fool
* If I didn't love you
so
* Make yourself comfortable
-Okay.
* Play the game that we
dreamed of
* Yeah, the game I see,
for you and me
* Baby, let's play love
* Mm, let's play love
* One more time,
let's play love *
ALL: Oh. Oof.
They blocked it.
(KNOCKING)
Open the door!
This is Admiral Stoneham.
It's an emergency!
We don't need any!
We have one of our own.
KINSEY: Listen, fellers.
We're not fooling.
We've had a telegram
from the President.
If he wants my autograph,
he can have it
after the honeymoon.
WEISKOPF: Don't be smart.
This is Captain Weiskopf.
Something of the utmost
has occurred.
I know!
I'm in love.
This is your general speaking.
If you two airmen don't open
that door immediately,
we could all get into
a heap of trouble.
(KNOCKING)
Break the door down.
Everybody back.
Break it down.
-Whoa!
-Ah!
(CRASHING AND SPLASHING)
Aren't you boys
a little big for that?
Next time,
I'll call for frogmen.
Wait a minute.
Wait just one little minute.
Admiral Stoneham,
up until now,
I've been a very good sport
and played soldier.
Now, I would like
to play bride!
Gentlemen, I've never been on
a honeymoon before,
and all these interruptions...
Could give a man a trauma,
a permanent trauma.
-Now, I think I can help...
-I'll give you
a permanent trauma.
Have you forgotten
why we're here?
No, sir.
But I know why I'm here.
No, not you. Us.
We are here because the
President insists on meeting
you at the White House.
All right. All right.
As soon as
we finish our honeymoon,
I'll give him a call and
tell him that we're coming by
for a visit.
Er, no. You don't understand,
Sergeant Deadhead.
The President wants
to see you now.
A sort of, um,
command performance, old boy.
But didn't you explain?
ADMIRAL: Oh, well, I doubt if
he'd be interested.
Now, there's a plane waiting.
What about our clothes?
ADMIRAL: Well, well,
forget it.
Uh, your, uh, clothes will be
waiting for you on the plane.
And a new hat for you
to give to the President.
It is not a hat.
It's a hero's helmet.
(CRACKING)
Escort these people
to the airport.
-Now, get along. Get along.
-Like this?
Oh, he'll love it.
-Now, hurry. You cannot keep
the President waiting.
-Wait!
But our honeymoon!
I don't like the way
I'm being treated!
Well!
Shall we go back to my office
and celebrate?
-By all means.
-Oh, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
ADMIRAL: Well, gentlemen,
we've come out of the shambles
smelling like roses.
Yeah. To us!
-Hear, hear.
-I'll drink to that.
Yes, Charlotte, might as well
cut the cake.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come in!
By all means.
Sergeant Deadhead!
No, sir.
Sergeant Donovan.
-Donovan?
-Donovan!
(STUTTERING)
What are you
doing here?
Something's happened.
Oh, did something happen.
Why, you imposter, you!
This is all your fault. I...
Captain, it's not my fault.
I've had it.
-And you're all gonna get
what you deserve.
-(ADMIRAL STAMMERS)
Listen to him. Listen to him!
Are you sure
that isn't Deadhead?
He's talking crazy
like Deadhead!
Here, now, young man! You...
Wait a minute.
What if he tells
the newspapers?
He wouldn't dare.
Would you?
No telling what he'd do.
This may mean a court martial,
but all my life, I've wanted
to do this to a general.
Ah!
Or a captain.
Sir.
KINSEY: My cake.
(SOBBING)
Oh...
(COUGHING)
You know, this is the first
moment we've had together
since we've been married.
I know.
And I'm really enjoying it.
I've never seen
so many strange things
happen to a husband and wife
on their wedding night.
-Darling?
-Yes, honey?
What happened to you
in that rocket?
Well...
Ever since you've
been back, it's...
Well, it's almost as if you
were two separate people.
Oh, I was.
What do you mean?
* Maybe yesterday,
I was someone else
* Maybe I have changed,
it's true
* But I'm happy to say,
I'm more happy today
* And the difference in me
is you
* Maybe until now,
I was just a fool
* Dreaming foolish dreams,
it's true
* But lately it seems now,
they're different dreams now
* The difference in me
is you
* I don't mind sayin'
the change is stayin'
* Now that I'm close to you
* It's so compellin',
I feel like tellin'
* Just where the credit is
due
* Maybe now at last,
I'm the lucky one
* 'Cause I found what love
can do
* And now it's more charming
with you in my arms
* And the difference in me
is you
* Now it's more charming,
with you in my arms and
* The difference in me
* Yeah, the difference in me
is you *
Well, this is it.
-Our big moment.
-Uh-uh.
Your big moment, darling.
I'll wait for mine.
Mr. President, here we come.
I don't care where he is.
Just grab him, and get him
out of the White House.
Well, come in, come in.
I understand congratulations
are in order.
Thank you, Mr. President.
May I kiss the bride?
-Aw...
-Yes, sir.
Oh, thank you.
And, Sergeant, I'm mighty
proud to shake your hand.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, and sir,
I'm to give you my helmet.
The Air Force thought you'd
might like it as a memento.
Well, much obliged, Sergeant.
Can I try it on?
Yes, sir.
There he is. That's him.
-(PRESIDENT YELLING)
-Come on, you crazy nut.
Get out of here.
GUARD: We got him
in a headlock.
PRESIDENT: That's my helmet!
Get your dirty hands...
-What's going on?
-(FAINT SHOUTING)
I don't know.
I guess it's the way they do
things here in Washington.
-GUARD: Come on, you.
-Maybe he's late
for an appointment.
I have a hunch
he didn't want to keep it.
GUARD: Watch his legs.
Look out! He's trying
to turn off the lights!
PRESIDENT: I'll sic
the dogs on ya.
Go on, get 'em! Let me go!
I'm the President.
I'm your commander in chief.
GUARD: It is the President!
Oh, excuse us, sir!
I guess the guy we want is
still in there. Come on!
I'm the guy they want.
Let's get out of here.
Out the door!
GUARD: (FAINTLY)
Maybe he's headed
for the main gate.
Look in that window
over there!
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Oh, come on, honey. They'll
never look for us in here.
(WHISTLE BLOWING AND SHOUTING)
GUARD: Over in the back yard.
-Wonder where he went.
-I don't know.
-Come on.
-Down this way.
Hello, Mrs. Deadhead.
Oh.
Oh, I like that.
Oh, honey...
When I kiss you,
I go into orbit.
Oh!
(GASPING)
Deadhead, darling Deadhead.
You did it again.
Look what I made.
I'm no psychiatrist, but I
know you are a nut.
-I think they're nice.
-Oh, you be quiet.
You're nothing
but an enlisted jailbird.
-I was only tryin'...
-Admiral, he was
only trying...
I'm going to write an order.
Give me one of those pens.
These pens?
Those pens!
But General,
my advice to you...
I'd listen to the him, Rufus.
What listen? All he said was,
"But General,
my advice to you..."
-Yes, but it's the way
he said it.
-I demand one of those pens.
Hmph.
Guard!
But General!
What kind of pens are those?
PRESIDENT: I'll sic
the dogs on ya.
(ROCKET WHEEZING)
(WAFS WORRYING)
-WAF 1: Are you all right?
-WAF 2: Are you okay?
(WAFS EXCLAIMING)
Ten-hut!!
Airman Blinken?
-Here!
-Take charge of this
so-called detail.
Yes, ma'am.
Detail, follow me.
Now, if you don't mind
my asking, Sergeant Deadhead,
what's going on here?
Oh, nothing to be upset about,
Lieutenant Kinsey.
Just a little explosion.
Just a little explosion?
Who gave you permission
to have an explosion?
And look at your uniform.
Filthy dirty.
And all wet, too.
May I ask why you go around
setting off explosions?
And why you get your uniform
filthy and wet?
Oh, you're gonna make me
feel foolish, ma'am.
Just keep beating
around the bush, Sergeant,
and you're certain
to end up in the guardhouse.
Oh, you wouldn't
do that, ma'am.
I'm getting married.
To the airman.
My condolences, Airman.
TURNER: Why?
Uh, thank you, Lieutenant.
Now, what happened?
Uh, well, ma'am, I picked up
this whoosher bomb rocket
in town.
A whoosher bomb rocket?
-It's a wonderful thing,
ma'am.
-It is?
Yeah, you see, you light
its tail, and it goes
whooshing up to the sky.
Only this time,
it didn't whoosh.
It didn't whoosh?
No. Then I crawled in
and I wanted to take
a closer look
to see if it would whoosh,
and all of a sudden...bam!
Well, that does it.
Setting off explosions
on parade grounds,
sloppy uniform, and
shouting in an officer's ear.
It's the guardhouse for you.
Airman Turner?
-Yes, ma'am.
-Escort the groom-to-be
to the guardhouse.
-But ma'am...
-Ten-hut!!
Left head!
Forward hut!
Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four...
Forward march!
To the rear, march!
Why did you have to
go looking for trouble?
Lucy, honey, I don't
go looking for trouble.
It just knows
where to find me.
We were supposed to get
married this weekend.
I know, Lucy. I always try
to keep my promises.
We've called off
the wedding twice before.
It isn't all my fault,
Lucy, honey.
The Air Force just doesn't
like people getting married
in the guardhouse.
Yeah, I know.
And every time
we're supposed to get married,
that's where you end up.
Yeah... How about that?
Hup, two, three, four.
*
(SCREAMING)
Hup, two, three...
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Come in!
I thought you'd like
to know...
Lieutenant, what is going on
out there?
General Fogg, with
Project Moon Mon...
-Tut-tut-tut!
-Moon Monkey going up
over the weekend,
and all those visiting
dignitaries on the base,
I felt that the safest place
for that nut Deadhead
was in the guardhouse.
You're so right, Charlotte.
So right!
I have a whole file on
that man's personal disasters.
His name shouldn't be
Deadhead, it should be Jonah.
Guh!
-(FOGG GRUNTS)
-Oh, sir...
-(GRUNTING)
-Let me help you.
-(STAMMERING AND GRUNTING)
Well, stop it...
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-(GRUNTING)
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Hmm.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
FOGG: Come in!
Your morning mail, sir.
(CHUCKLING)
(CLEARING THROAT)
Yes, sir.
(DOOR SHUTS)
Maybe a little Scotch tape.
Shuh!
Now, what did I tell you?
Even when I talk about him,
something strange happens.
That man Deadhead has to be
kept in the guardhouse until
-after Project Moon Monkey
is complete...
-Oh, oh, you forgot, too.
We're not supposed to mention
Project you know what
out loud.
Well... It was
a slip of the lip, my dear.
Rufus,
what is Project you know what?
Mm, secret.
But I can tell you because
you're close-mouthed.
A lovely mouth.
Rufus, Project you know what?
We both know what.
Our scientists insisted
upon it once they found out
that something...
funny happens to personalities
up there.
And speaking of personalities,
dear Charlotte...
What funny happens?
Well, the last rocket
we sent up
had two white mice in it.
When they came back down
they started chasing cats.
Really?
Rufus...
-(MEOWS)
-Oh, hang it, Charlotte.
I'm trying to explain this
to you scientifically.
When we send that monkey up,
and he goes all the way
around the moon,
we're hoping that he will come
back down again
the same sweet, loveable
banana-eater that he was
before we sent him up.
-Oh, Charlotte!
-(CRACKING)
-Tell me that you care.
You care!
-(CRACKING)
I care. I care.
-But I think you're
breaking my back.
-(CRACKING)
Sorry. I'm sorry, but I...
Well, become a veritable
bull of the Pampas when
I'm near you.
-Moo!
-No, no! No, no, Charlotte.
We must remain dignified
during business hours.
Deadhead! Filroy!
I don't know what it is,
but somehow, I got a feeling
that maybe you guys don't want
me in here with yous.
-Oh, no...
-Heaven forfend, McEvoy.
It's a social event just being
in the same cell with you.
Heh.
They got me booked in here
for six months.
Too bad.
Aw, don't worry.
I'm busting out of here
tomorrow night.
Don't tell me. Don't tell me!
I'm only in here
for a day or so.
I don't want to know
about such things.
-I'm busting out of here...
-I don't want to know either.
Well, Filroy...
You're busting out with me.
And Deadhead...
-You are, too.
-But I...
(STAMMERING)
McEvoy, I'm very unreliable.
Don't depend on me.
And besides,
I'm a terrific coward.
We're gonna do
big things together.
Lucy!
Yeah?
You're real shook up, huh?
Of course I'm shook up.
Every time I get set to marry
that clod, something happens.
If he's such a clod,
why do you want to marry him?
Why, we women have to protect
all the clods of the world.
Deadhead's mine.
He's clumsy,
forgetful, unreliable...
I'm getting all confused.
Handsome. Sweet.
Considerate. Generous.
He's my clod and, I love him.
* How can you tell if
love is real?
* How can you count the
stars above?
* How can you tell if
what you feel
* Is really love?
* That's a beautiful thing,
I know
* Love makes the world
go round
* Love is losing a ten
dollar bill
* And the feeling you get
when it's found
* How can you tell if love
is real?
* How can you count the
stars above?
* How can you tell if what
you feel
* Is really love?
* Love's a wonderful game,
I say
* Right from the start to
end
* Love is rooting for your
favorite team
* And the feeling you get
when they win
* Love is wishing with all
your heart
* Love is a dream come
true
* Love is taking your final
exam
* And the feeling you get
when you're through
* How can you tell if love
is real?
* How can you count the stars
above?
* How can you tell if
what you feel
* Is really love?
* How can you tell if what
you feel
* Is really love?
I know!
I'll get permission to marry
him in the guardhouse.
(EXCITED CHATTER)
(HAMMERING)
(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)
Whew.
Whew.
-Phew!
-Rufus!
Her! Her!
Her! Her!
FOGG: No, no, no!
The wires! The wires!
Get them away from her!
Get them away!
-That's right.
-Oh...
Oh, no. No, no, no.
(SPARKING)
There's your panic button.
That's the way
you want it, General?
Thank you.
When I push that,
every siren on the base
starts blasting away, right?
Including this one.
Including...that one?
-(DOOR SHUTS)
-(CRASHING)
Why on earth would
you want to press that button?
In the event
of a dire emergency.
(BUZZER)
Oh, Charlotte.
General Fogg.
This is Lieutenant Dixon
at the guardhouse, sir.
FOGG: What is it? What is it?
Well, sir, Sergeant Deadhead
would like permission
to come to your office
and speak with you.
Uh...
(MOUTHING WORDS)
No.
He says it's very important,
General.
Top secret. Red-folder stuff.
Something personal.
Eh, all right,
Lieutenant Dixon.
Have Sergeant Deadhead
marched over here.
Give him an escort
of air police.
Top security precautions.
DIXON: Yes, sir.
Oh, Charlotte.
Hup right!
Hup!
Remember, Sergeant Keeler,
top security precautions.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
FOGG: Come in!
Detail, halt!
At ease.
Sir?
Sir...
Sir?
Sir, what I have to say is
for the general's ears alone.
Oh.
Lieutenant, would you mind
waiting outside?
Certainly, dear.
General!
Now, then.
Sergeant, we don't want
the prisoner to escape.
Oh, I'm not going to escape...
You will speak
when I tell you to.
DEADHEAD: Yes, sir.
So have your men take
protective measures outside.
Detail, Ten-hut!!
About face!
Forward march!
-Hup, two...
-Sergeant, Sergeant.
-General! Sir!
-Sergeant Keeler!
Yes, sir.
FOGG: The prisoner?
All right, Sergeant.
What do you have
on your so-called mind?
Well, well you see, General...
Knowing Airman Turner,
she's liable to get permission
from you
for us to get married
in the guardhouse.
And you don't want to?
Just thinking about marriage
scares me, General,
but getting married
in the guardhouse...
That sounds even worse.
Uh-huh.
Son,
you came to the right man.
What does that mean, sir?
Mull on it, boy. Mull on it.
(EXCITED CHATTING)
Ten-hut!
As you were.
Now, girls, we're going
to have a lot of visiting
dignitaries on the base,
and I don't want General Fogg
to receive any complaints
about the WAF detachment.
So be on your toes, will you?
Lucy, what's the matter
with you?
-Well...
-Well?
You see, Lieutenant Kinsey,
since you're somewhat
responsible for Deadhead
being in the guardhouse...
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
Well, do you suppose
you could get permission
from General Fogg
to let us get married there?
My morale's pretty low
having my wedding called off
three times in a row.
Well, at least you've had
a wedding to call off.
I'm still waiting
for an invitation.
Let me see what I can do
to raise the morale
around here.
I've got a pipeline
to the general.
Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am.
(CHUCKLING)
Oh, nonsense.
I'll get to work on
General Fogg immediately.
And you'll be
the first to know.
Hey!
Oh, I can't believe
it's finally going to happen!
Oh.
General, sir,
I'm finished mulling and
I don't know any more
than I did before.
Now, look, Sergeant...
You go back to the guardhouse.
You go to bed.
Stay there.
Breathe softly.
You be good until
the secret thing that's going
to happen happens.
Now, you do all of that and,
I'll positively guarantee
there'll be no wedding
in the guardhouse.
Oh, General!
You're a great human being.
I'll do whatever you say.
I'll be quiet.
No one will even know
I'm here.
Good, good.
Sergeant, I've always
suspected that beneath that
goofy, accident-prone body
of yours, there exists
a nice, quiet boy...
who, if he lives,
will grow into
a nice, quiet man.
-Thank you, sir.
-(CHUCKLING)
You know I don't mean
to be mean, don't you?
Yes, sir. I do...
-Sir!
-Oh, at ease.
-Thank you, sir.
-No, no, no. Relax, relax.
We'll talk this whole thing
over calmly and sanely.
Well!
Thank you, sir!
-Very nice of you.
-Oh, no, no.
We like to keep
our boys happy.
(BEEPING AND SIREN WAILING)
(SIREN WAILING)
Do you hear what I hear?
A red alert!
-Hit the street!
-Like this?
Do you have any
other suggestions?
Grab a towel!
It's every girl for herself!
Hey, girls! Bring us a towel!
(SIREN CONTINUES AND SHOUTING)
It's a red alert!
Spread out! Get to your posts!
(SIRENS CONTINUE AND BEEPING)
You Jonah! Jonah!
You did it again!
-Did what again, General?
-(STAMMERING)
-Boy, is this ever
a noisy office.
-Grrr.
-Yes, General?
-Get him out of here!
Put him in solitary!
Do bad things to him!
-Like what, sir?
-Oh, I don't care.
Use your imagination,
only get him out of here!
But, but, but General...
But General! Our talk!
-You rang, Rufus?
-I don't know how
to turn it off!
(SIRENS CONTINUE WAILING)
Do you see what I see?
Brass...
Oh, the brassiest.
Sounds like a red alert.
Well, it couldn't be
the real thing, could it?
Knowing General Fogg,
he's probably playing
fire chief.
Any minute now, he'll come out
with a red hat on yelling,
"Clang, clang, clang!"
All you psychiatrists think
everyone's crazy.
If we come
to attention and salute,
we drop the towels!
-If we don't...court martial!
-Aw.
Do you see what I see?
Well, girls...
For Smedley Missile Center...
Present arms!
Good show! Jolly good show!
(SIRENS AND BEEPING)
Oh, Admiral, do you know how
to turn off the sirens?
(BEEPING STOPS AND
SIRENS DIE AWAY)
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Rufus! Do you want...
Do you want a drink of water?
ADMIRAL: You realize
this incident will be entered
on my report to the Pentagon.
What do you say
to that, General?
Uh... Uh... Uh...
I presume it would only
be cricket for me to report
this incident
in my weekly chitchat
to 10 Downing Street.
Uh! Uh! Uh!
The classical symptoms.
-What is it?
-In non-technical language,
he's a three-star dingaling.
Two-star.
Oh, uh, yes. Two-star.
All righty...
Look at the watch.
Look at the watch.
-Maybe a cuckoo will jump out
and join you.
-Uh. Uh. Uh.
Captain... Not now, please.
There really is
an explanation,
you know, gentlemen.
A sergeant sat on
the panic button.
A non-commissioned officer
sat on the panic button?
Why? Why? Why? Why?
Did he think it was an egg?
(LAUGHING)
Oh, Captain,
that's just silly.
No, the general
was worried about
Project Moon Monkey and...
You know about
Project Moon Monkey?
What is Project Moon Monkey?
Well, the security on
this base is just deplorable.
Oh, but it wasn't
the general's fault, sir.
You see, he was worried about
Sergeant Deadhead.
And then his tie got caught
in the drawer.
His tie got caught
in the drawer...
And after that,
the general was electrified
by all those wires.
Oh, the general
was electrified.
Electrified...
Oh, this is a very sick place.
Uh-huh, yes...
ADMIRAL: Now, Lieutenant...
I want you to start
at the beginning
and calmly tell me exactly
what is going on here!
KINSEY: Well, you see,
Admiral, it all began
some time ago.
Of course, I could be wrong.
Then again,
I don't believe I am.
If I sound confused,
it's only because I am.
Uh, what I mean to say is,
the general was concerned
about the same thing.
But he felt if we remained
objective about the situation,
it would be much better.
All right, fellas.
Here's how we're gonna
bust outta here tonight.
Hey, can we break out after
the movies? 'Cause they got a
George Raft festival.
-Don't interrupt...
-Oh, I like George Raft.
Shh!
You know what
this is, Deadhead?
What?
(TITTERING)
A ballpoint pen.
-(GIGGLING)
-Everybody knows that.
Don't ever drop one of these.
-(LAUGHING))
-What's the panic?
Looks like
a ballpoint pen, right?
-Yeah.
-But it ain't.
These pens don't write.
-They blow things up!
-(LAUGHING))
Ha!
You push the top down and
then ten seconds. Blooey!
Blooey?
Blooey.
They blow things up?
Sometimes double blooey!
Ah!
Sheesh.
It's yours.
-But I don't need it.
-But I like ya.
And Filroy, when I get
to know you better,
I'm gonna make you one.
Oh, McEvoy, I don't want one.
I'm gonna make you one.
Rufus...
Yes, Charlotte.
Why are we sitting here
like this?
-With the moon out...
-(FAINT BANGING)
-Yes, Rufus.
-(WHISTLES BLOWING)
-I get a sense of security.
-(FAINT BANGING)
A feeling that Deadhead
is locked away
and will remain locked away
until after Hercules 3
blasts off.
-(FAINT GUNSHOTS AND YELLING)
-Oh, Charlotte.
(FAINT GUNSHOTS)
I've been having
a terribly difficult time.
-(FAINT MOB YELLING)
-Oh, I know you have, Rufie.
Oh, Charlotte.
Sweet Charlotte.
-(FAINT GUNSHOTS AND
TIRES SQUEALING)
-(KINSEY MOUTHING WORDS)
Now, now, now.
Don't be alarmed.
They're running an old
George Raft movie.
He escapes from jail.
Oh! Oh...
FOGG: Hmm!
My, that sounded phony.
(CHUCKLING)
(SIRENS WAILING)
You'd think those
motion-picture people
would learn how to
make a real explosion.
(LAUGHING) Who do they think
they're fooling with a siren
like that?
Who do they think they're
fooling with a siren like
that?
-(PHONE RINGING)
-That silly phone bell!
(CHUCKLING)
KINSEY: I think that really is
a phone bell, Rufus.
FOGG: Oh, nonsense, my dear.
-(PHONE STILL RINGING)
-That is a phone bell, Rufus.
(CHUCKLING)
Lieutenant Kinsey speaking.
(SIREN STILL WAILING)
It's for you, Rufus.
Oh, Charlotte.
General Fogg.
-This can't be happening
to me!
-Rufus?
He seems upset, doesn't he?
It wasn't movie noises.
It was an escape
from the guardhouse.
-Who?
-You...
-Don't tell me...
-Sergeant Deadhead
and two buddies!
Deadhead's got to be
the ringleader!
I don't think
the general likes you.
Smash him! Capture him!
Jump on his head!
Tear his raincoat!
I haven't got a raincoat.
He hasn't got a raincoat.
Forget the raincoat.
Mash him!
Fire him!
KINSEY: You can't fire him.
He's in the Air Force.
Oh, Charlotte!
You know somethin'?
The general don't like him.
And if we stick
around wit' him,
we're gonna get in trouble.
I don't want to get
in trouble, see,
'cause I promised my mother.
Aw. Good boy.
Let's bust back
into this joint.
Hey, wait a minute! Yeah!
I knew it the day I met him
that Deadhead's a regular
skull thinker.
Look, will you stop...
This is your base, General.
Take command!
All right, I will.
I'll take command.
Now, here! Come over here!
Stop right... Stop right here.
-Nobody pays any attention
to me.
-(JEEP HONKING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
All right, men, down and out.
-But ma'am!
-You heard me. Out!
Not you, driver!
It's all yours, Rufus.
And remember,
I believe in you.
Charlotte...
All right, driver, that way.
Good luck, Rufus,
and give 'em...
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Look out!
(YELLING)
(EXPLOSION)
MAN ON INTERCOM: Eight minutes
and counting. Eight minutes.
MAN 2: Green safety
arm light on.
MAN 3: Affirmative.
Have you sent a report
to London yet?
I'm waiting.
I've got a premonition
about this shot.
There!
Good morning, gentlemen.
Everything is A-Okay
this morning.
Why were all those sirens
going off last night?
Yes, what happened?
Oh, well, sir, the sirens were
part of a well-planned alert,
designed by General Fogg
to keep the base on its toes
until, uh...
(WHISPERING)
Project Moon Monkey
blasts off.
Well, that will be in exactly
five minutes at 0700.
Mm-hm.
MAN ON INTERCOM: Five minutes
and counting. Five minutes.
Well, I hope you have
a nice flight,
even though I'm glad
I'm not going with you.
Ha ha.
There you go. Right up there.
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Four minutes to blast off
and counting. Four minutes.
(CHIMP SOFTLY GRUNTING)
(CHIMP VOCALIZING)
Ah, no thanks. We're, uh,
not allowed to accept tips.
-(CHIMP GRUNTING)
-Oh, this is, uh,
in case you need a change.
Cheerio.
MAN ON INTERCOM: Three minutes
to blast off and counting.
Three minutes.
(CHIMP VOCALIZING)
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Automatic locking device
is now activated.
(CHIMP VOCALIZING)
Two minutes to blast off.
Final countdown
now in progress.
-Remove gantry.
-(CHIMP HOOTING)
Check all negative controls.
-Check all negative controls.
MAN 2: Range ready?
Man 3: Ready.
(OVERLAPPING RADIO CHATTER)
MAN 2:
All fuel-injection systems.
Oh! Beg pardon, sir, but...
What's going on here?
No thanks, sir.
I better be going.
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Check all positive controls.
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Check all positive controls.
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Locking device secured.
-MAN 2: Roger, secured.
-You're darn tootin' it is.
Hey, would you tell them
to open the door.
Please?
MAN ON INTERCOM:
Clear the firing area.
-(RADIO CHATTER)
-Lieutenant, Lieutenant...
Oh...
Did they ever
make a monkey out of you.
Rufus, after today,
your name is going down
in the history books.
I feel it.
I'll share my glory
with you, my dear.
MAN ON INTERCOM: 12.
11...
Ten seconds, ten seconds.
Look, the general said he'd
get me out of marriage, but
this is ridiculous.
MAN ON INTERCOM: Six. Five.
-Huh?
-MAN ON INTERCOM: Four.
-Three.
-Let me out!
-Two. One.
-I don't want to volunteer
for this detail!
-Blast off. Blast off.
-Help!
(SIGHS AND CHUCKLES)
-(CHIMP HOOTING)
Help!
Help!
Help!
The monkey?
The monkey talked?
No?
-Deadhead.
-Help! Help!
(WHIMPERS AND CRIES)
Lucy!
Lucy!
Who is Lucy?
Uh, that's
Airman Lucy Turner, sir.
His bride-to-be.
Would anyone care
to make a wager?
How could this have happened!
-Well...
-Just tell me that, General!
How could this have happened?
Lucy!
(PHONE RINGING)
Move him
right on the couch, gentlemen.
-Come on.
-All right. Right over here.
Never mind, Lieutenant.
I'll get it. I'll get it.
-Hello?
-PRESIDENT: This is
your President.
Oh, yes, Mr. President.
You old fool of a general!
Uh, no, sir.
This is Admiral Stoneham.
Navy, you know...
I know there's no admirals
in the Air Force!
How did a sergeant get...
Uh, the Air Force
is not quite certain
as to how the sergeant
got into Hercules 3
with the monkey.
Is the Navy certain that
the newspapers got
onto this goof-up yet?
Uh, no, sir. We have not
as yet notified the press that
the space vehicle is manned.
Well, don't you care
that y'all gonna keep
that jughead from talking?
Oh, yes, sir. We've jammed the
space vehicle's radio so that
the sergeant may not transmit.
Now, listen to me, son.
You get that boy and girl
married, you hear me?
I have your instructions, sir.
And never fear,
the Navy's here.
Stow it, you fool!
It'll take more than the Navy
to get us out
of this tall cotton.
Keep it up, and you're gonna
be polishing a battleship.
That was just sort of a joke,
Mr. President.
You're forgetting.
It's coming on election time.
Yes, Mr. President.
I realize this is hardly
the time for jokes.
You've got your orders, boy.
You...
They shall be
carried out, sir. Immediately.
Lieutenant, bring in
Corporal Lucy Turner.
Oh, really, sir? Do you think
we should involve her in this?
Lieutenant, I am an admiral.
That is like a general.
Bring in Airman Turner!
Uh, yes, sir.
Now, you all pay attention.
I've just conferred
with the...
It was someone very high up.
As of this moment,
you're all sworn to secrecy.
Now, here's our strategy.
This was not...
a foolish error.
Not a foolish error.
This was a well-planned,
well-executed,
secret launching.
Secret launching.
(NECK CRACKS)
Sergeant Deadhead volunteered
to be shot up with a monkey.
Sergeant Deadhead is
a brave, heroic volunteer.
Brave, heroic volunteer?
I knew it, sir!
KINSEY: Here is
Airman Turner, sir.
He will get a medal.
A medal?
I brought you
Airman Turner, sir.
General Fogg will get a medal.
I will get a medal.
For what?
Your brilliant planning
of Project Moon Monkey.
Now, where's Airman Turner!
-KINSEY: Right here, sir.
-(STAMMERING)
-Now, hear this!
-Yes, sir?
Now... At the suggestion of
someone very high up,
you are going to marry
Sergeant Deadhead
as soon as we pick him up
and bring him back here.
I'm finally going
to marry Deadhead!
Oh! Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Thank you!
Now, what we want is
to make him happy.
Oh, I'll try, sir. I'll try.
And then we'll want
to keep him busy.
-Oh, she will, sir. She will.
-Yeah...
(CHIMP GRUNTING)
Look...
Listen. I don't mind eating
bananas with you and
playing checkers with you,
but the cheating's
got to stop.
(CHIMP GRUNTING)
No, no, no. I told you.
I'm not going to play checkers
with monkeys who cheat.
(CHIMP GRUNTING)
Here.
Have a banana.
Stuff your fat face.
Boy.
Some company you are.
ADMIRAL: Now, hear this.
Now, hear this.
At about this time,
you might feel a slight
personality change.
(CHIMP GRUNTING)
Give me that banana!
(CHIMP SQUEAKING)
(CHIMP GRUNTING)
(CHIMP KISSING)
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
John Hiestand with the news.
The White House has just
announced that Project
Moon Monkey is a success.
At the same time,
news media have been informed
that Hercules 3 is manned
by a crew of two astronauts,
a Sergeant O.K. Deadhead
and a chimpanzee.
Arrangements are being made
for Sergeant Deadhead
to be flown to Washington
to meet with the President
as soon as he's returned
from his epic flight.
And here's a late bulletin.
Zookeepers acclaim
Moon Monkey.
Who put that in here?
Hello?
Chief psychiatrist's office?
I need help.
After they land, I know how
to handle the monkey.
But what do I do about
the big ape that's with him?
Oh, Admiral,
I couldn't do that.
And the latest news from
Project Moon Monkey
is that our space hero,
Sergeant O.K. Deadhead,
is going to be married.
The lucky bride is WAF
Airman Lucy Turner,
who is stationed at
the same base with the groom.
PRESIDENT: Y'all understand
what I'm telling ya?
Yes, sir.
Due to the circumstances,
you're asking Congress
to empower me to perform
a marriage ceremony on land.
That's like giving you
an extra star, boy.
I understand, sir.
And never fear, the Navy's...
Y'all stow it, boy. Y'hear?
Yes, sir.
Me?
Performing a marriage ceremony
on land...
Do you know what that means?
Yes. Someone made a bloomer.
Ed Reimers,
ladies and gentlemen.
I bid you good evening.
Project Moon Monkey
has come to
its successful conclusion.
The space capsule bearing
our two intrepid astronauts
splashed down at
4:00 this afternoon.
And here are some scenes
of that historic moment.
Paramedics were dropped
into the ocean
to be near the capsule
moments after it landed.
There was a
slight delay, however,
inasmuch as the capsule landed
slightly off its target area.
About 1500 miles to be exact.
But everything ended well
as we see here.
The capsule is being taken
aboard the U.S.S. Spyhook.
And here's a late bulletin.
Zookeepers acclaim
Moon Monkey.
Who keep putting that in here?
(CLEARING THROAT) We take you
now to my colleague
John Hiestand in Washington
for an in-person interview
with the astronauts.
I'm sorry, Ed, but we were
unable to get both astronauts
for this interview.
Well, never mind, John.
I'm sure news-lovers all over
the world are interested in
what our hero has to say.
All right.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Astronaut Chimpanzee.
That idiot Deadhead has made
a mockery of my entire career.
I'm through with this
business, and that's final.
Good night, John.
Good night, Ed.
I'll have to lash him
my whole life.
Certainly don't run
a taut ship around here.
Captain Weiskopf, just what
do you think you're doing?
General Fogg, what kind
of a base is this?
You don't even have a band.
I had to organize one myself.
Him, I got from
the ammunition dump.
That one from the rifle range.
He's a cook.
And that's...
I don't know where I got him.
(CLEARING THROAT) Now, men.
Our hero will be here
in about a minute.
When you see him,
I want you to play
Anchors Aweigh.
Just one minute! We certainly
will not play Anchors Aweigh.
He's an Air Force man.
We will play Anchors Aweigh,
and I will tell you why.
-Why?
-Because it's my band is why.
Sir! Is it all right
with the captain
if we play Jingle Bells?
Of course not!
It's the only song we know.
Here he comes!
Oh! A one, a two...
(BAND PLAYING
JINGLE BELLS BADLY)
(CROWD CLAMORING)
Forward, hut!
Ten-hut!
Your hero has returned.
Thank you, thank you.
Thank you!
Cool it.
Hey, uh...
What's going on here?
Well, you're going
to be married.
Says who?
Listen.
As soon as I get into
some comfortable clothes,
I want you to report to me
in your office, skinhead.
-Skinhead?
-That's right.
And that means you.
-And you! Ho!
-Ho!
Hmm.
Pronounced hostility symptom.
-What's that mean?
-He hates us.
Gentlemen, this calls
for a conference.
In my office.
Since we're all in the
same boat together, at least
can't we be friendly about it?
General, tell me.
Before Sergeant Deadhead
joins us,
what's he really like?
Brave, heroic.
Volunteered.
You know he's not a volunteer.
You goofed.
You shot that rocket up
with him in it.
By mistake!
Do you think he'll sue?
Sue? Who cares about that?
We've got to keep him quiet
about what happened.
Or we'll be the laughingstock
of every country
in the civilized world.
Attention!
At ease, at ease.
Sit down, boys. Sit down.
Where'd you get those pajamas?
They look like mine.
Relax, poopsie. They are.
Poopsie?
And what is a poopsie?
Poopsie is who
I call "poopsie."
Oh.
Is there any hot coffee
in this joint?
Of course there's hot coffee
in this j...
I insist on hot coffee here
24 hours a day,
in case I want to think.
Good. Pour me a cup.
And where are the dames?
Bring on the dames!
Now, listen. There's gonna be
a lot of questions,
lot of questions.
Now, I don't think
you've got the picture.
I'm not a national hero,
I'm a world hero.
Now, I know how I got
into the rocket.
And you know how
I got into the rocket.
But do we want the whole world
to find out what happened?
-Hmm?
-Of course not, you clown!
Ah, ah, ah...
Congratulations,
Dr. Frankenstein.
I think you've created
a monster.
My coffee.
Would you like
a little danish?
No, thanks.
Just a little cream and
sugar...
toots.
Toots?
(CRACKING)
Mirror, mirror, on the wall,
tell me...
What's wrong?
Oh, forget it.
(SQUEALING)
Girls, what's happened?
Oh, lock the door! He's mad!
-Who?
-Mad? Who's mad?
-Deadhead.
-Deadhead?
Yeah, he's been chasing us
around the parade ground.
We're lucky
we had a head start.
Last night, he was a hero.
A hero!
Deadhead?
A-ha! I gotcha!
(WAFS SCREAMING)
Wow!
Ole!
Love your outfit.
Toro, toro!
(SNORT)
Oh, toro!
Poor Deadhead.
He was so nice
and quiet and shy.
And I didn't appreciate him
that way.
What happened to him up there?
What happened to him up there?
He wants to take over the
Army, the Navy, the Air Force.
He's a one-man disaster.
-Poor Rufus.
-(SIGHS)
Wait a minute!
Wait just a minute.
My whole career...
going down the drain.
I once saw a film
about the OSS.
You know,
during World War II?
They got one man to substitute
for another.
They looked alike so
no one knew the difference.
They were exact doubles.
Make a call, Rufus.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
-Come in.
(DOOR OPENS)
-AIRMAN: Admiral...
-Thank you.
In the future, buster,
let's not tie up radio
with unnecessary messages!
-(DOOR SHUTS)
-You see, they're organizing
a fan club for me.
You shut up!
-Here now, down...
-Quiet, you...
Careful you don't
make him mad.
That's it! You pushed me
just a little too far.
I'm gonna call the press!
The President!
(SHOUTING)
Well, we'll see about that.
Air police! Air police!
-DEADHEAD: Hi, fellas!
-Arrest that fathead.
Are you kidding?
You can't arrest me.
Not ever again!
I'm the king! Big K, small I,
small N, small G,
with a crown!
He'll say something nasty
about the way I ran the shoot!
Take this phony hero
to the brig.
-Guardhouse.
-(SNARLS)
And put him in solitary
till further orders.
You can't throw me
in the guardhouse.
The American people
want to see me!
I'm their idol.
Oh, boy.
The fat's in the fire now!
-Out!
-I will return!
"Shall return."
Now we'll all be in trouble.
Oh, he'll tell the newspapers.
Oh, he's got a big mouth.
-Gentlemen, our worries
are over.
-What?
Help is on the way.
They found a double.
An exact double!
And he's patriotic.
-FOGG: Patriotic?
-He'll do exactly
as he's told,
after I hypnotize him.
Oh, I'll break that king
to a private!
Is there anything
lower than a private?
Uh oh. A snag.
What snag? We substitute
this Donovan for Deadhead.
There can be no snag.
What about his girl?
Airman Turner?
There will be a wedding
as planned.
She'll never know
the difference.
Have the place broken down
to a skeleton crew.
The fewer witnesses we have,
the better chance we'll all
have of coming out of this.
And have them bring Donovan
to the rec hall.
I must tell Charlotte.
(COUGH) Lieutenant, heh,
about this.
She'll never know
the difference?
(HORN HONKING)
He's here. He's here.
That's the truck!
Hooray! Hooray!
Our time of torture is over!
If you keep shouting,
everyone will know
just what we're doing.
-And if anyone finds out...
-The firing squad.
Now, be careful, be careful.
Don't bump it
against anything.
Where would the general
like the box, sir?
-FOGG: Well...
-The admiral wants you to put
it anywhere,
-but do it quickly.
-Yes, sir.
-AIRMAN: Over there,
on that stand.
-FOGG: Yes, right here.
-All right, you're dismissed.
-Yes, sir.
-And don't let anybody know
about this.
-Here are the keys, sir.
-You understand? Not anybody!
-Yes, sir.
All right.
Now we'll take a look
at our secret weapon.
Admiral, this is a job
for a medical man.
I'll unveil our new hero.
Son of a gun!
He's the spitting image
of Deadhead.
Sergeant Donovan
reporting as ordered, sir.
Oh, everything is beautiful.
Beautiful.
FOGG: He's a dead ringer.
He's Deadhead.
Attention, Sergeant Donovan.
Yes, sir.
Allow me.
-Thank you, sir.
-Oh, not at all, my boy.
Not at all.
Tell me, Sergeant Donovan,
do you love your country?
Oh, yes, sir. I do.
And you would do anything
in the world for your country?
I would, sir.
Well, we have a very beautiful
and healthy young girl that
we want you to marry.
Yes, sir.
But, sir?
I don't even know her.
Oh, yes, you do.
You're engaged to her.
I am?
Well, Sergeant Deadhead
is engaged to her.
And you are Sergeant Deadhead.
-No, sir.
-Well, for the time being.
Yes, sir.
-Sir?
-Hm?
How far do I go with this?
(CHUCKLING) Well,
as far as you have to.
-But, sir...
-Now, for your country.
Yes, sir! From this moment on,
I will comport myself
as I imagine
the real Deadhead might.
Yuch.
The wedding's been postponed
so many times,
I wouldn't be surprised if
the dress didn't even fit.
Well, there's only one way
to find out.
Let's get in it and see.
Boy, there sure has been a lot
of mystery about this wedding.
I can't understand why
I haven't been able to see
the groom all day.
Well, you know that
Captain Weiskopf is
a very strange man.
He thinks it's bad luck to see
the groom before the wedding.
Well, nothing can
go wrong now.
Nothing can go wrong.
Maybe I should tell you
a few of my experiences.
* I find myself alone
most every night
* Or maybe with some friends
or others
* Somehow, it doesn't
seem quite right
* Always a friend,
never a lover *
But...
* You should've seen
the one that got away
* Why, I remember just
the other day
* A captain with a 40-foot
yacht
* Asked me to forget
him not
* I thought I had him
right on the hook
* But then he took another
look
* You should've seen the one
that got away
* Tall and handsome,
with a touch of gray
* I thought I'd cook
a dinner for him
* One to be a winner for
him
* The steaks were rare,
but the stakes were higher
* I burned the steak,
put out his fire
* I admit, I played the
game
* The game of love
I love
* Well, I may lose,
but just the same
* When I begin,
I play to win
* You should've seen the
one that got away
* The one that said his love
was here to stay
* As I recall,
it was new years eve
* I guess that I was just
naive
* Before the year was
one day old
* His love had went and left
me cold
* I guess there's nothing left
for me to say
* You should've seen the one,
you should've seen the one
* You should've seen the one
that got away *
Let me outta here.
(KNOCKING)
Let me outta here!
I wanna get outta here.
Get me out!
(CLANGING)
Frankie?
How come Admiral Stoneham
made us shove cotton
in our ears for this detail?
Sorry, Charlie.
I can't hear you.
You're forgetting that
Admiral Stoneham made us
shove cotton in our ears.
I can't hear your answer
anyway, Frankie.
I have the cotton we got
shoved in our ears.
Now I'm mad.
Now I'm really mad.
(CACKLING)
Now, you watch me carefully,
and when I give you
the signal,
you play Lohengrin's
Wedding March.
Right. Only we can't.
What do you mean,
"You can't?"
The only song we know is
Jingle Bells.
Jingle Bells?
Jingle Bells.
Lucy, will you settle
for Jingle Bells?
Oh, I'll settle for...
Him.
Attention!
As you were.
She's beautiful.
Naturally, naturally.
Glad you like her, my boy.
You think she'll know that I'm
not who I'm supposed to be?
If she does,
I'll plead insanity.
Oh, you're beautiful.
Deadhead, somehow you
look different.
(WHISPERING)
He looks different, she says.
You're different and yet
you look the same.
You're beautiful.
I know what it is.
It's the way you look at me.
As if you're seeing me
for the first time.
It's true.
Darling?
You know, you've never said,
"I love you."
I've never really
seen you before.
Do you realize that
in all the time
we've been engaged,
you've never even
held my hand?
He hasn't? I mean...
I haven't?
But after we're married...
Charlotte, there's...
There's something I want
to ask you.
Yes, Rufus, what is it?
(EXPLOSION)
-(SHOUTING)
-Rufus, you were
trying to say?
-(BAND PLAYING JINGLE BELLS )
-What is going on here?
(CACKLES)
Bring him back, or I'll have
you both court-martialed.
-Yes, sir.
-Yes, sir.
I think he went that way.
No, I think he went that way.
Let's go this way.
Hey, what are doing?
Admiral Stoneham, they can't
take him away from me now.
Here now, here now.
Unhand this man.
But, sir, he's escaped.
Escaped? How can he escape?
He's here.
Right. Not him. It's the...
Well... It doesn't matter.
Whoever it is,
go and find him!
Now, you men
don't stand around.
Spread out. Go and find him.
Ah!
-Hold it.
-Hold it!
-We gotta get in!
-Hold it!
(SCREAMING)
(CLAMORING)
-There he goes!
-Where?
BAND MEMBERS: All right!
Wait a minute! Hold on!
Everything's going to
be beautiful, and the wedding
will continue as planned.
(STAMMERING)
Hey! Come back!
Come back!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
There he is!
Frankie? I got a feeling
there's a promotion
for us in this.
We've caught him!
We captured the imposter!
Charlie,
you're forgetting something.
We're the ones
who let him escape.
Oh, yeah.
Back to the guardhouse,
Deadhead.
Boys, we found him!
We found him!
Let's get him back
to the rec hall and go on
with the wedding.
-Yeah!
-C'mon, pick him up.
Boy, will the lieutenant
be glad to hear about this!
C'mon, fellas.
Bring him along.
(UNINTELLIGIBLE EXCLAIMING)
There he is!
They killed him!
-(DEADHEAD GROANING)
-No, he's all right. He's just
knocked out a little.
Deadhead, Deadhead,
speak to me. Speak to me.
KINSEY: Speak to her,
honey...funny.
Oh, this is going to be
a very quick ceremony.
Do you take this man to be
your lawful wedded husband?
Oh, I do, I do.
(SHOUTING) Do you take
this woman to be
your lawful wedded wife?
-(GRUNTING)
-He said, "I do."
-I heard him.
-You sure he said, "I do"?
Would I tell a fib?
Well, by the authority
vested in me, I now
pronounce you man and wife.
Well, what about
the wedding ring?
-Uh...
-TURNER: Yeah.
What about the wedding ring?
Why bring that up now?
Well, I just happen
to have one with me.
TURNER: You have
a wedding ring?
One never knows
when one might need one.
Why, marvelous, marvelous.
This makes it official.
(BAND BADLY PLAYING
JINGLE BELLS )
What are you doing?
It suddenly came to me.
He...
We've married her to...
Deadhead! You traitor!
-Oh!
-(SHOUTING)
-TURNER: Deadhead!
-FOGG: Come back here!
-MEN: Stop him! Stop him!
-TURNER: Deadhead!
Stop him! Bring him back!
Bring back the happy groom!
(SHOUTING AND WHISTLE BLOWING)
Oh...
You, Airman.
Take her to her quarters.
Yes, sir.
And I'm a doctor.
I'll examine her.
That won't be necessary.
Begging to report, sir.
The escapee is
in the guardhouse.
Bring whoever it is in the
guardhouse to General Fogg's
office immediately.
Yes, sir!
Which one do you think it is?
Does it really matter?
Can you really perform
a wedding ceremony?
Well, you heard the President.
On land or at sea.
Rufus, this is it.
Darn the torpedoes
and full speed ahead!
(BAND STARTS JINGLE BELLS )
-Here's the prisoner, sir.
-Dismissed.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Sergeant Donovan...
We're very sorry
you were placed under arrest.
It was a natural mistake.
You look so much like
Sergeant Deadhead that...
Ew.
Actually, though, they are
really married, aren't they?
I performed the ceremony.
You were there.
Donovan, we must carry on.
Navy tradition, you know.
And Air Force.
But, sir.
I'm not married to her.
You said that
Sergeant Deadhead is.
Oh...
Who's going to tell her?
Sergeant...
You put that away.
Tell me.
Don't you like girls?
Oh, yes, sir.
Very much.
Then why don't you want
to take her on a honeymoon?
But, but what if she questions
me about certain things that
she and Sergeant Deadhead
used to do?
Well, fake it, my boy.
Fake it.
FOGG: It's only for
a couple of weeks.
We'll arrange a honeymoon
at some nice hotel in town.
Honeymoon...
A couple of weeks with Lucy.
And just yesterday,
I didn't know she existed.
All right, sir.
I'll do it. For my country.
Oh, that is nice.
That's very, very nice.
-DONOVAN: Thank you, sir.
-Isn't that nice?
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)
Mm-hm.
Papers, soldier?
Sure.
No, sir, I couldn't take
any money. Not from you.
-What do you mean?
-You're a hero.
(CHUCKLING)
Hey, that's me!
Yeah.
And how about
that wife of yours?
Va-va-va-voom!
My wife?
Va-va-va?
I didn't pose
for that picture.
You didn't?
No.
He's an imposter.
And he's on my honeymoon
with my wife!
Your wife?
That's right!
At a special party
held in the honor of...
Sergeant O.K. Deadhead.
That's me.
At the Francette Hotel...
Are you sure you're not
the imposter, mister?
Son...
Sonny boy...
You're looking at the hero.
The king! Capital K,
capital I, capital...
Papers! Papers!
You miserable...
The Francette Hotel, huh?
* Oh, there he goes,
he's the one, he's the one
* He goes around breaking
hearts just for fun
* Gives you a kiss,
then he runs away
* His love tomorrow,
and his love today
* He's a two timing angel
with parts in his hair
* A two timing angel,
the devil makes kill,
it's a sign, though
* Oh, there he goes,
he's the one, he's the one
* I love you so,
I love so
* But there he goes,
there he goes
* There he goes,
there he goes
* I need him,
and I want him
* Oh, there he goes,
he's the one, he's the one
* There he goes, bless
your soul, bless your soul
* He is the kind,
makes you don't get skin old
* He gives his heart to
the first girl he meets
* His love is yours,
but never for keeps
* He's a two timing angel
with parts in his hair
* A two timing angel,
the devil makes kill,
it's a sign, though
* Oh, there he goes,
he's the one, he's the one
* There he goes
(APPLAUSE)
The bridal suite
is ready, sir.
All right.
Va-va-va-voom!
The bridal suite?
Well, good night, honey.
Hey, wait a minute.
Where are you going?
Well, I've got a...
a speech or something.
Oh, I'm sure General Fogg
would give us permission
to, uh...
talk and
really get to know each other.
Get to know each other?
Talk! Oh, yes.
We, we've got lots
of talking to do.
Would you excuse me?
Is the general forgetting that
I'm not married to this girl?
Sergeant Deadhead is.
Charlotte, what can I tell the
lad in a situation like this?
Let me, General.
Sergeant, in the words of
William Tecumseh Sherman...
-Yes?
-"War is Hell."
Good night.
Well, come on, darling.
You don't have to be bashful.
Oh, I'm not bashful. It's...
Well, it's...
It's just that...
Well, I've never
done this before.
TURNER: Neither have I,
darling.
Oh, that must be
the bridal suite.
Oh...
Sweetheart.
(IMITATING W.C. FIELDS)
Yes, yes.
Coming, my little chickadee.
Look. Isn't it beautiful?
Beautiful.
Oh, I like that.
Yes, that was
quite an experience
as I remember it. Uh...
-Navy... Yak yak.
-And then when the fog
cleared,
we, uh, we saw the sub right
on our starboard side, so...
-Sir.
-ADMIRAL: I gave
the order to fire,
and we hit her right smack
in the middle.
What?
-ADMIRAL: You remember that,
don't you?
-WOMAN: No.
ADMIRAL: Oh, no.
You weren't there, were you?
-Pardon me. Pardon me.
-General, what is it? What...
-Uh...
-Yeah.
Oh, ladies and gentlemen,
please excuse us.
-Top-secret meeting.
-Top-secret meeting.
(EXCITED CONVERSATION)
Sweetheart...
Popsie doesn't like
to be kept waiting.
Ah...
I'm here.
Whoa...
Are you here!
Oh, just one more minute,
darling.
I want to put on some perfume.
Who needs perfume?
-ADMIRAL: Open the door!
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Open this door immediately!
-(KNOCKING)
-FOGG: This is
your commanding officer.
Open this door!
-(KNOCKING)
-ADMIRAL: Open the door!
If you don't open that door,
I'll break it down!
Guard, break the door down.
Uh...
Anything I hate
is a smart a...
lieutenant.
All right. We know you're
here. Come on out.
You're completely surrounded.
What is going on here?
Where is he?
-Who?
-Deadhead.
He's standing
right next to you.
-But...
-Why, so he is.
But, but, but... Ow!
There's something strange
going on here.
Well, Lucy, I'll tell ya...
Wow, wow...
We understand there's
some curiosity-seekers around.
We don't want them
to bother you.
Until you crashed,
Admiral Stoneham,
my husband and I were
alone together, preparing
to celebrate our honeymoon.
Isn't that so, darling?
I'm sure I'm speaking
for both of us.
Could we be left
alone together? Please?
Why, yes, Admiral.
I think we owe the lovebirds
a little privacy.
Oh, yes. Certainly.
Of course, of course.
No, Admiral.
Admiral, General,
don't leave me. Don't...
Wow, wow, wow.
Good night,
young lovers.
Whoever you are.
(DOOR SHUTS)
I don't understand you,
Deadhead.
First, you're chasing me.
Now, I have to chase you.
You're a regular
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Oh, well, I, uh...
Um... My feet hurt.
Oh... Playing hard to get.
How come you were
so brave before?
I'm just a little tired.
You know...
-Being sent up into space
and like that...
-Mm.
-Yeah...
-Oh...
Kind of tiring...
Him's tired.
I know just the thing
to relax you.
You do?
Mm-hm.
Mommy does.
Here, now!
But first...
We'll take this jacket off.
-We will?
-Mm-hm.
I'll make you nice and comfy.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(WHISTLES)
* Some people like a game of
golf
* And maybe tennis,
they're fond of
* But the game I see,
for you and me
* Let's play love
(CLEARING THROAT)
* Some fellas like a game
of chess
* Or maybe checkers,
they're fond of
* Now, those games I'll try,
and so, goodbye
* Uh-uh.
Let's play love
* No one has to know the
rules
* We'll make 'em as we
go
* I know I'd be a fool
* If I didn't love you so
* Make yourself comfortable
-I'm fine.
* Take your tie and your
shoes off
* -Here?
And relax, my friend,
just give in
* Let's play love
Oh...
And now, we'll
take off his tie.
Wh... What if someone
should walk in?
Don't worry.
The door's locked.
And now...
What? What? What?
We'll take his shirt off.
Sure.
Mm? And I'll fix you
a nice, warm bath.
That'd be nice...bath.
And then I'll scrub your back.
A wife should scrub
her husband's back.
Could we talk about that?
Ohh... He's bashful...
Now, you just wait right here
and relax,
and Mommy will go
get your tub ready.
(DOOR SHUTS)
(WATER RUNNING)
Man, that's smooth.
Now, my shy, little petunia.
Va-va-va-voom!
Hey, what got into you?
* I'm ready now to play the
game
-Come here, baby.
* To play the game that I'm
fond of
-Hm, it's about time.
* And it's gonna be,
just you and me
* -Oh, baby.
Let's play love
* Well, that's what I've been
waiting for *
You don't have to wait
any longer.
* Now, you're the guy that
I dreamed of
-But, of course.
* And I'm glad to see,
it's you and me
* Mm, let's play love
* No one has to know the
rules
* We'll make 'em as
we go
* I know I'd be a fool
* If I didn't love you
so
* Make yourself comfortable
-Okay.
* Play the game that we
dreamed of
* Yeah, the game I see,
for you and me
* Baby, let's play love
* Mm, let's play love
* One more time,
let's play love *
ALL: Oh. Oof.
They blocked it.
(KNOCKING)
Open the door!
This is Admiral Stoneham.
It's an emergency!
We don't need any!
We have one of our own.
KINSEY: Listen, fellers.
We're not fooling.
We've had a telegram
from the President.
If he wants my autograph,
he can have it
after the honeymoon.
WEISKOPF: Don't be smart.
This is Captain Weiskopf.
Something of the utmost
has occurred.
I know!
I'm in love.
This is your general speaking.
If you two airmen don't open
that door immediately,
we could all get into
a heap of trouble.
(KNOCKING)
Break the door down.
Everybody back.
Break it down.
-Whoa!
-Ah!
(CRASHING AND SPLASHING)
Aren't you boys
a little big for that?
Next time,
I'll call for frogmen.
Wait a minute.
Wait just one little minute.
Admiral Stoneham,
up until now,
I've been a very good sport
and played soldier.
Now, I would like
to play bride!
Gentlemen, I've never been on
a honeymoon before,
and all these interruptions...
Could give a man a trauma,
a permanent trauma.
-Now, I think I can help...
-I'll give you
a permanent trauma.
Have you forgotten
why we're here?
No, sir.
But I know why I'm here.
No, not you. Us.
We are here because the
President insists on meeting
you at the White House.
All right. All right.
As soon as
we finish our honeymoon,
I'll give him a call and
tell him that we're coming by
for a visit.
Er, no. You don't understand,
Sergeant Deadhead.
The President wants
to see you now.
A sort of, um,
command performance, old boy.
But didn't you explain?
ADMIRAL: Oh, well, I doubt if
he'd be interested.
Now, there's a plane waiting.
What about our clothes?
ADMIRAL: Well, well,
forget it.
Uh, your, uh, clothes will be
waiting for you on the plane.
And a new hat for you
to give to the President.
It is not a hat.
It's a hero's helmet.
(CRACKING)
Escort these people
to the airport.
-Now, get along. Get along.
-Like this?
Oh, he'll love it.
-Now, hurry. You cannot keep
the President waiting.
-Wait!
But our honeymoon!
I don't like the way
I'm being treated!
Well!
Shall we go back to my office
and celebrate?
-By all means.
-Oh, yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
ADMIRAL: Well, gentlemen,
we've come out of the shambles
smelling like roses.
Yeah. To us!
-Hear, hear.
-I'll drink to that.
Yes, Charlotte, might as well
cut the cake.
-(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Come in!
By all means.
Sergeant Deadhead!
No, sir.
Sergeant Donovan.
-Donovan?
-Donovan!
(STUTTERING)
What are you
doing here?
Something's happened.
Oh, did something happen.
Why, you imposter, you!
This is all your fault. I...
Captain, it's not my fault.
I've had it.
-And you're all gonna get
what you deserve.
-(ADMIRAL STAMMERS)
Listen to him. Listen to him!
Are you sure
that isn't Deadhead?
He's talking crazy
like Deadhead!
Here, now, young man! You...
Wait a minute.
What if he tells
the newspapers?
He wouldn't dare.
Would you?
No telling what he'd do.
This may mean a court martial,
but all my life, I've wanted
to do this to a general.
Ah!
Or a captain.
Sir.
KINSEY: My cake.
(SOBBING)
Oh...
(COUGHING)
You know, this is the first
moment we've had together
since we've been married.
I know.
And I'm really enjoying it.
I've never seen
so many strange things
happen to a husband and wife
on their wedding night.
-Darling?
-Yes, honey?
What happened to you
in that rocket?
Well...
Ever since you've
been back, it's...
Well, it's almost as if you
were two separate people.
Oh, I was.
What do you mean?
* Maybe yesterday,
I was someone else
* Maybe I have changed,
it's true
* But I'm happy to say,
I'm more happy today
* And the difference in me
is you
* Maybe until now,
I was just a fool
* Dreaming foolish dreams,
it's true
* But lately it seems now,
they're different dreams now
* The difference in me
is you
* I don't mind sayin'
the change is stayin'
* Now that I'm close to you
* It's so compellin',
I feel like tellin'
* Just where the credit is
due
* Maybe now at last,
I'm the lucky one
* 'Cause I found what love
can do
* And now it's more charming
with you in my arms
* And the difference in me
is you
* Now it's more charming,
with you in my arms and
* The difference in me
* Yeah, the difference in me
is you *
Well, this is it.
-Our big moment.
-Uh-uh.
Your big moment, darling.
I'll wait for mine.
Mr. President, here we come.
I don't care where he is.
Just grab him, and get him
out of the White House.
Well, come in, come in.
I understand congratulations
are in order.
Thank you, Mr. President.
May I kiss the bride?
-Aw...
-Yes, sir.
Oh, thank you.
And, Sergeant, I'm mighty
proud to shake your hand.
Thank you, sir.
Oh, and sir,
I'm to give you my helmet.
The Air Force thought you'd
might like it as a memento.
Well, much obliged, Sergeant.
Can I try it on?
Yes, sir.
There he is. That's him.
-(PRESIDENT YELLING)
-Come on, you crazy nut.
Get out of here.
GUARD: We got him
in a headlock.
PRESIDENT: That's my helmet!
Get your dirty hands...
-What's going on?
-(FAINT SHOUTING)
I don't know.
I guess it's the way they do
things here in Washington.
-GUARD: Come on, you.
-Maybe he's late
for an appointment.
I have a hunch
he didn't want to keep it.
GUARD: Watch his legs.
Look out! He's trying
to turn off the lights!
PRESIDENT: I'll sic
the dogs on ya.
Go on, get 'em! Let me go!
I'm the President.
I'm your commander in chief.
GUARD: It is the President!
Oh, excuse us, sir!
I guess the guy we want is
still in there. Come on!
I'm the guy they want.
Let's get out of here.
Out the door!
GUARD: (FAINTLY)
Maybe he's headed
for the main gate.
Look in that window
over there!
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Oh, come on, honey. They'll
never look for us in here.
(WHISTLE BLOWING AND SHOUTING)
GUARD: Over in the back yard.
-Wonder where he went.
-I don't know.
-Come on.
-Down this way.
Hello, Mrs. Deadhead.
Oh.
Oh, I like that.
Oh, honey...
When I kiss you,
I go into orbit.
Oh!
(GASPING)
Deadhead, darling Deadhead.
You did it again.
Look what I made.
I'm no psychiatrist, but I
know you are a nut.
-I think they're nice.
-Oh, you be quiet.
You're nothing
but an enlisted jailbird.
-I was only tryin'...
-Admiral, he was
only trying...
I'm going to write an order.
Give me one of those pens.
These pens?
Those pens!
But General,
my advice to you...
I'd listen to the him, Rufus.
What listen? All he said was,
"But General,
my advice to you..."
-Yes, but it's the way
he said it.
-I demand one of those pens.
Hmph.
Guard!
But General!
What kind of pens are those?
PRESIDENT: I'll sic
the dogs on ya.