Seduction & Snacks (2021) - full transcript

SEDUCTION & SNACKS

Gavin! Gavin!

Let's go...
Yeah, you need to go to bed.

Gavin! Gavin!

Gavin!

That's Gavin.

I'm Claire.
And I am never having kids.

I made this decision after the video
we saw in health class in school.

The one set back in the 70's

that had some woman screaming
"Bloody Murder"

with sweat dripping off her face.



While the husband lovingly patted
her forehead with the towel

and told her she was doing great.

Then the camera panned down
to the crime scene between her legs.

While most of the girls
around me were saying: "Aw..."

when the baby started to cry,
I looked around at them in repulsion.

What the hell is wrong with you people?

I am never having children.

I'm never having children.

So Claire, did you choose a major yet?

I'm never having children.

I'm never having children.

Too bad no one told 20-year-old me

that she and her mantra
were about to get pregnant.

Yep, that's her.



Somewhere in my head,
sipping imaginary Merlot,

talking like she knows shit about shit.

And... that's me.

Twenty-five.
My son Gavin is four and a half.

And 20-year-old me's silly ass

is about to get a morbidly obese dose

of that saying that goes something like

how when you plan, God laughs.
Because God is a dick.

Well, he's everything technically,

so it's okay that I call him that.
God's a dick.

God is a beautiful tree.

God's a frat party the last semester
of my sophomore year

at University of Ohio

that 20-year-old me is walking
right into with her best friend Liz.

Why are Liz and I walking into
a frat house instead of... anywhere?

Because we're on a mission.
My mission. To finally...

lose my stupid, pesky virginity.

And while I know this isn't
the only place on Earth

to find a horny male,
I don't want a relationship,

and I don't want any distractions.

So I'm taking Liz's quicker approach

which she assures me
we'll find in here.

Hey, what about him?
He's cute. He has good teeth.

Jeez, Liz, he's not a horse.

You can ride him all night long
if you play your cards right.

Okay, two tango staring us
at your six.

Okay...

If you sneeze,
there's gonna be a nip slip,

so you better put those away
before you poke someone's eye out.

“I'm not a gyno, but I'll take a look."

Well, that sounds DTF!

Damn it, Liz.

Hello, ladies.

Hi! This is Claire...

And you are?

Me? No. Sorry. The shirt.

Oh, my God. I can take it off.

He was beautiful.
I wanted to punch my own face

for calling a guy beautiful,
but it was true.

I wanted to frame him
and put him on my bed stand

in a non-creepy,
non-Hannibal Lecter kind of way.

He didn't wanna be here
any more than I did.

I could introduce myself
and tell him he was my soul mate.

Look! Oops...

Sorry! Uninvited chick.

Jesus, what's your damage, Heather?

Did you just quote
the movie Heathers?

That's my favorite movie ever.

I had a huge crush on Winona
before the whole shoplifting thing.

My name isn't Heather.

Winona... Wow.

I kinda have a thing for quirky,
intelligent dark-haired chicks.

You smell like chocolate.

Why are you calling me Heather?

I always do...

He knows my name is Nikki.

Nikki?

Hello?

Nikki! Your voice is making my ears bleed
and you're killing my buzz..

You wanna... play beer bong
or something?

I wanna reach into my pants,

pull up my virginity,
wrap it up and put a bow on it.

Or maybe stick it in gift bag
from Target and give it to you...

Oh, shit, don't say it out loud.

Beer pong... Sure.

All right.

I really didn't think anything
about this night was gonna feel good.

Enjoying myself was a small perk
I didn't expect.

No, leave it.
I got it, I got it.

Oh, my God.
This is really happening.

Yes! My answer is yes!

Are you okay?

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

Take your pants off.

Zipper!

Ok, ready, ready... Whoa!

- Are you okay? All right.
- Yeah.

I wanted it to last forever.

I saw stars.
I came three times that night

and it was the most amazing experience
of my... Yeah, no.

It hurts like a mother-f'er
and it's awkward and messy.

It was like naked jury duty.

And the only "stars" I saw
were the ones behind my eyelids

as I tried to think of a happy place.

But let's be honest here.

He was as sweet and gentle
as he possibly could be.

Under the circumstances.

But it was perfect.
He was perfect.

And that's how I left him.

With the state of my virginity
out of the way,

I could focus more
on school and my career

and Liz would stop treating every party
like it was a meat market.

We never even told each other
our names.

It happened and it all went
according to plan.

Pregnant - Not Pregnant

Till that...

Open another one!

- Claire...
- Just do it, bitch!

Girl, I'm sorry.

What am I gonna do, Liz?

What do I do?

Let's bake.

Bake? Bake what,
a time machine?

Let's hit the store and we'll make
some of your famous sweets, I'll help.

Major McGillicutty's
Crispy Goodness Globs

are not gonna change anything!

To sell. On campus,
to raise a couple hundred bucks?

And it hit me.

As much as an abortion bake sale
may have worked.

As much as I wanted it all
to go away.

As much as I'm all for
a woman's right to choose.

It wasn't any bitter resentment
of tiny humans

that created my lack of desire
to press one out.

Sometimes I blamed it on
my mom's lack of parenting skills.

Mommy, that mean boy
on the swings punched me.

Claire, don't piss down my back
and tell me it's raining!

Go tell him you're sorry.

Mom, can I get a new backpack?

Sure, honey, just find me two nickels
to pull a dime out of a duck's ass!

Buy the vowel!

Where are you going?

Just forty minutes away, baby,
we'll see each other.

Your dad never takes me anywhere.

You'll get it when you have kids.

I need a life.

Doodles.

Didn't matter. Adoption.

Leaving it on some random doorstep
like Benjamin Button.

Really, there were plenty of choices.

And I chose to redefine
what I thought of

when I heard the word "mom".

I'd think... "Oh, shit. That's me."

Then let's find him.

Who the hell basically
tells a guy to deflower her

and never asks him his name?

Oh, yeah, now I remember.

Thanks.

It was a whole new mission
for the next two months.

Kind of quiet, mysterious,
more a Edward than a Jacob.

A what?

But I knew what I had to do
when it was over.

And there's where the life I had planned
officially said toodles.

Toodly-doo,
my dearly departed scholarship.

And hello... Butler, Ohio... Again.

Hello, all that I left behind.

Hello, what Mom escaped.

Hello, the opposite of what people
mean when they say

they wanna go "see the world".

Hello, Wiggly Pig,
I missed you. Just kidding.

Yeah...

Hello, living vicariously through Liz
as she finishes

our formerly shared degree
in small business

and fills me in
on her relationship with Jim,

who's now moved into
our formerly shared apartment.

I gotta go, I love you!

Okay, bye!

Hello, 21st birthday,
which I'd always seen going like...

I am drunk, fuckers!

But went more like...

You fuckers!

Least I'd never forget his birthday.

Hello, Dad.

- Single mom. Be respectful.
- Okay, boomer.

Goodbye, dates.

What?

Oh, God!

Hello, making arrangements
of cookies and sweets for neighbors

instead of opening the sweet shop
I'd always dreamed of.

Hello, getting my high school job
as a waitress

back at good ole
Foster's Family Bar and Grill.

Hello, same customers from before

who sound so genuinely sweet
when they congratulate me

on being promoted to bartender
now that I'm finally a grownup.

Hello, heading home knowing
Gavin doesn't speak enough yet

to quite get the phrase
"Mommy's tired".

And hello to always being grateful.

'Cause not every girl who fails
to check a Trojan's expiration date

has somewhere to come home to.

Not every girl has a supportive dad
and healthy baby.

Not every girl's lucky. Like me.

Which was why I couldn't complain.
Ever. To anyone.

Kiddo, are you hurt?

Are you okay?
Someone in the house?

Is someone...?

Oh, those are... Oh, good screams.

- Those are good screams.
- Yes!

- Good... God!
- It's good!

Women are fuckin' nuts, huh?

Hey, watch that shit.

It was the best thing
I'd heard in five years.

Liz had gotten engaged.
Liz was starting a business.

Liz was moving back to Butler!

It's hideous.

The next few weeks are gonna be nothing
but going from the space

to the courthouse to the lawyer...
God, I sound like a...

Like an adult.

Okay, fuckyface,
the dishes are done.

And you can clean the rest
for your hangover present, yeah?

Ten-four, man-whore.

- 'Night, Claire.
- Good night, Jim!

Can I please have your life?

I didn't mean it that way.

I know.

No, I'm sorry.

No, you're fine.

No, no, I'm... I'm sorry.

I don't wanna be that friend
that makes you feel like

you have to put your life on hold

just because it sounds like
I need a drunken girls night.

- It's stupid.
- Stupid?

You've been here for years
raising a kid on your own.

Dad never leaves the house.
There's always a babysitter.

The only dick you've seen
that wasn't on a changing table

was that guy
that flashed you at Dillard's.

Yes, he got tackled away
by the security guard

and he wasn't all that bad looking.

He was kind of a chubby,
sad Jason Statham.

Claire. I'm your best friend.
You can bitch to me.

- No, I'm fine.
- Let out.

Let it out.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

Let it out.

Oh, my God, my life is shit!

Yes! Good! Tell me more!

Other parents won't talk to me

and Dad won't listen about him and Gavin
not watching the same movies!

Every night I come back
from a shift he is cussing more!

Give me an example.

He told Dr. Bob to suck off!

The pediatrician?

And it never ends. Ever!

He sleep talks
at nap-time in pre-school!

And every mom has a lame excuse

as to why my child
can't play with yours,

and I just wanna tell them
that he doesn't have a father

and my frontal lobe is still developing
so they can take pity on him

and get him the hell out of my house

so he can actually see
what real parents look like!

He's obsessed with his weiner.

"Mommy, does a bus have a weiner?"

"Mommy, does that hamburger
have a weiner?"

"Mommy, do you have a weiner?"

He even told me he just walks up to me
in the middle of a night

with his hand in his pants.

And he says, "Look, Mommy,

it's getting getting
'big and weird' again!"

Why didn't anybody tell me
that a four-year-old could get a woody?

In what world does that happen?

And all my dad does
is laugh at me, and I just...

I can't... What's happening?
I can't... I can't do this!

Oh, my God, my kid is really mad,
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Oh, my God...

It's okay, it's okay.
Claire! Don't let the vodka win!

Okay...

You should try Tinder!

Fine.

Have you... Have you just given up
on finding... him?

I still see him every day
when I look into Gavin's eyes.

And his laugh's starting
to sound like his.

As to locating him, well...

I guess life kinda just got in the way.

And what about your career?
No more sweet shop?

No, I'm...

I'm saving everything...

I just pictured applying for a loan
with a degree to show.

Well, what if I told you that I might have
a small partnership opportunity for you?

Where I'd be doing...?

Sales.

Liz...

I have a list of clientele ready

for a little party,
small, local, Friday... 8pm.

Is this something illegal?

In a Handmaid's Tale type of world.

Trust me?

When have you steered me wrong?

Okay, so, I'll be home usual time.

Cool, we're gonna watch Fight Club.

Hell no, you're not gonna
watch Fight Club.

Hell, kiddo, it's basically
a bedtime story by now.

Enjoy.

Bye, hon.

DRESS SLUTTY!

I love that.

Okay, take it off,
first impressions are very important.

What are we selling?

- One second.
- Now!

Seriously?

What? I bought it to bartend on Halloween
and I chickened out!

Okay then, Captain Jack... off.

Oh, thank you,
now I'm feeling so much sexier!

Okay, you know what...

Hey... just own it!

We're gonna cash in. I promise.

- Hi.
- Hey!

How are you?

Evening, ladies!

So, unlike many of your husbands,
I'm not gonna beat around the bush!

Around the... Yeah, okay.

So, let's see what
Cuntalicious Claire is holding!

Can you hold that up
a little higher there, girlfriend?

Spank you!

This is the Pink Pussy Eater.

And it has four speeds:

"Yes, More, Faster Blaster,
and Holy Shit-Balls".

Yeah.

You can't ignore me forever, Claire.

Quit being a dick.

Speaking of dick, really, Liz?

Oh, God, I'm funny!

At what point of our relationship
did you ever think

that I would wanna sell pocket pussies?

You don't have to sell forever,
I already found someone...

And another thing...
pocket pussies?

Claire, quit being such a drama queen.

Think about it.

What was the one thing you noticed

that they were missing
from the party tonight?

Dignity?

Ha-ha, very funny.

Liz, you know this place.

How many times that The Fosters
told me that it was a "family restaurant"

because of Gavin's public potty mouth?

I mean, how do you think
they'll react when they find out

that I'm doing this
with my spare time?

Get in the car.

What?

Get in the car!

Wow!

- So this is your...
- Ours.

Nice, huh?

I sign the paper work tomorrow,

I'd like for you to be there
so the co-ownership...

Whoa-whoa.
What do you mean by "ours"?

I've looked everywhere
for a building for my business.

My realtor called and said
that the owner of Andrea's...

bakery retired
when she found a buyer.

Liz!

With one sheet of dry wall,

we'll have enough space
for two connecting businesses.

My sex toys and your desserts.

I didn't tell you the drill tonight
because I knew you wouldn't come,

and I needed you to see
what they'd be missing.

Men?

No. Nobody needs a man to help them
pick out their fucking vibrator.

Nobody needs a man
unless they're trying to open a jar.

Okay, I...

And not want a man? Great.
And if you're getting off either way,

you'll likely be more relaxed
and confident

so then when you do go
looking for a man,

you'll find a good man

instead of settling for a cock
attached to a gigantic asshole.

And that is what I'm selling, my friend.

Relaxation and confidence.

What they were missing tonight
were the snacks.

Well, good snacks at least.

Well, there was a table of...

No, they were shit.
There were some crackers

and a cheese ball,
the type you find in a PTA meeting

you know, with the baby dick carrots
and the jizzy dip,

the kind that you bring just to say
that you brought something?

Claire, nothing goes better with sex
than chocolate.

Liz, I don't...

I can't believe you, I mean...

The money and...

You run your side and I'll run mine,

and we will always have
each other's backs.

I can't tell you
how much I appreciate this.

You know my grandfather's trust

is burning a hole through
my pocket, okay?

So let's not worry about the money,

let's go back to class
and hear my pitch.

Okay.

What is the last word
you would use to describe Butler?

Sexy.

I love it here. You're here,
my mom and sister are here.

- But I don't wanna die of boredom.
- No.

And this town could use
a naughty little secret.

We could be the one-stop-shop

for the two best things on the planet:
seduction and snacks.

Is that a gumball machine?

Is that a yes?

- Yes.
- Yes?

- Yes! Yes!
- Yeah?

Spacious stalls,
think we found our new place.

Please don't share
what you saw in your shit.

I won't now. What crawled up
your ass and declared war?

I'm starving,
and this waitress is taking forever.

Hey.

- What?
- You just banged her

in the men's room, didn't you?

They didn't have a gender neutral one.
How're them wings?

Kinda cold.

Speaking of shots...

Hey, thanks for not banging Tasha.

Dude, first, I would never bang any chick
you're even remotely interested in.

And second, I would never,
except the proposition from that skank.

Every other guy in Toledo did.

Plus I already banged pretty much
the whole entire female population, so...

Right...

Goodbye to thin walls.

The usual?

Porn! 16-15.

So how's it going?

Some guys are getting hammered.

Sad guy is a good tipper though.

I'm gonna make him sadder then.
Hey, is Jade still around?

Yeah, she just banged his friend
in the bathroom.

- Ewe.
- I know.

I guess the Fosters never told
their niece this is a family restaurant.

Goodbye being roommates.

Yeah, don't cry too much, honey,
I'll see you at work.

This transfer couldn't have come
at a better time.

God, two years! I tried.

You did well by her.
You can't polish a turd.

Two years. I thought I was in love,

I was just trying to bang her
out of my system.

Still?

That smells like chocolate chick.

Okay, shoot. I got this.

Okay, Claire. Good luck.

We never found her,
did we, Big Guy?

Are you talking
at anyone in particular

or do your shot glasses
usually respond?

Liz! Liz!

Come here!

Oh, my God! Come here!

- It's him!
- Him, who?

It's him!

Yeah, yeah. It's him.

I wasn't asking! Oh, my God,
I think I'm having a stroke!

No, you're fine.

Put this around your neck
and write down what you want me to do.

What? No!

Take the order.

Hi, boys! What are we drinking tonight?

Tequila!

Do a shot with us.

You'll have to excuse
my sad friend here,

he's mourning
the loss of a girlfriend

and he's mad at me 'cause I made him
come out rather than staying at home

and watching Beaches
and diddling his vagina.

Shut up, dick fuck!

Claire, get your sweet ass up here

and take a shot
with these lovely gentlemen!

Liz, you know I can't drink
while I work.

Oh, shut your yap.

You know the Fosters don't mind
if you drink on the job.

Let's make this a little more awkward.

So what are we drinking to?

Do your shot glasses talk to you ever?

Huh, funny.

Oh, God.

Yes, this will do it.

Now we're talking!

Claire...

Mommy...

Mommy...

- Mommy!
- Holy shit!

I never swear in front of him.

Unless I have a hangover that feels
like someone kicked me in the head

and then shit in my mouth.

You said a bad word, Mommy.

Yeah...

Mommy said a bad word sometimes.

Sometimes mommies say bad words.

Just don't ever repeat it, okay?

I was gonna keep him out,
but then... I didn't.

Want me to beat up
your friend, Mommy?

What?

Papa said your friends Johnny,
Jack and Jose made you sick.

Want me to go punch them
in the nuts?

No, no. Gavin, what are you...?
What is he...?

No.

So, what happened?

Huh?

You never drink this much
unless something happened.

He came to the bar last night.

Did you get his name this time?

Ah, Jesus!

Jesus Christ!

Gavin!

Front row!

I love orientation.

Hey, you think we're gonna watch
that sexual harassment thing again?

Remember? The old VHS

had the handlebar mustache guy,
and he's like, humping the tire,

making that tubby dude cry?

Please, shut up.

Hope our new foreman
isn't a douche bag.

He's actually an okay guy.
Transferred from Columbus last week.

No kidding,
we just got here ourselves.

He knows that.
We're at the orientation.

Drew Parrot. This is Carter Ellis.

He likes pointing out how intelligent
he is after vomiting Yager Bombs.

Jim Gilmore.

What brought you here, Jim?

Fiancée. We met at the U of O,

I think that it's the longest time
and distance she's ever wanted to be away.

Big town mouth,
but small town girl, you know.

Ah, good ole U of O.

Wait, you guys both went?

No! No, no, we crashed
a fraternity party there, what,

like, five years ago?

Carter here bagged a virgin!

At least keep your voice down.

Of course he got so hammered,

he never even remembered
what she looked like

or even what her name was.
Other than what, she smelled like...

What was it,
Count Chocula, Cocoa Puffs?

No, it was Count Chocula.

Why do I still talk to you?

Next morning I find him on the bed
and he's smelling her pillow...

Then out of nowhere, he just started
screeching like a chicken,

"My dick's bleeding, Drew,
my dick's bleeding!"

Of course, I'm Captain Hetero,
so I'm like, "Well, whip it out.

Dr. Drew'll inspect!"
So, he does!

'Cause I was afraid!

Well, I noticed a rubber ring
around his dick,

'cause King Johnson here had busted
through his jimmy while in action.

So, I'm like, "Your dick's not bleeding,
You probably just banged a virgin."

Right.

And he never got her name.

Douche, right?

I looked everywhere for this girl.

I even bribed the secretary
at admission

to show me the photos of every single
female student to find her.

And yeah, she called the cops on me,
but I tried, damn it!

And no, I never really stopped
thinking about her.

Whatever, I'm a fucking loser.

No, no. Hey, why don't both of you guys
come over to my house for drinks tonight?

Yeah? Meet my girl.

I wanna hear more
about this Cocoa Puff girl in detail.

Creepy, man! I like it.

We'll see.
All right, it's about time here.

Maybe avoid openly laughing
at sexual harassment, hm?

Where are you...?

Oh, and Drew...
Don't wear that to work again.

All right, everyone, welcome.

My name's Jim Gilmore,
I'll be your foreman.

Hey, Claire, does this peaches and cream
have dairy in it?

I can't have dairy, I'm vegan.

Are you sure
this massage oil burns cool?

I'm a nurse and I work in the yard.

I've seen people get those things stuck
in places they should not get stuck.

Wait, is penis considered meat?

'Cause the last time
me and my boyfriend tried the hot oil,

it burned his you-know-what.

Am I still eating?

I'm just here for the snacks.

Okay, look!

I have zero experience
with any of this shit.

Maybe Jenny here does,

but I'm doing this as a favor for Liz.

I have had exactly
one and a half sexual partners in my life,

and let me tell you, both experiences
have been pretty shitty.

I've never been with anything
that required batteries

or special cleaner instructions
or weapon of mass destruction wording.

The first thought
that comes to my mind

whenever I think about
anything even remotely sexual

is "consequence",

so if you wanna make an order,
I will be in the kitchen!

And try the chocolate covered
potato chips!

They're really good.

Yay... Okay...

Do you wanna pass this around,
"In-the-Ass Ingrid"?

Great...

You'll love it.

Jenny, I'm so sorry.

My God, honey, no, no!
You just doubled our sales.

What?

Yeah, everybody felt so bad for you,

they've decided that anything
they buy themselves tonight

they're gonna buy you one too.

Isn't that awesome?

So awesome.

So... teeny-tiny... weeny suggestion:

I personally think
that you should pleasure yourself

with the Jackrabbit and just re-gift
the Gargantuan Girth Monster.

Gotcha.

Yeah, so, are you okay
if I sneak that out of your gift bag

at the end of the night?

Yep, it's all yours.

Cool. Thank you.

'Cause... my vagina can...
pack a punch.

Congratulations.

Come on in!

Forget everything
I said I was scared of yesterday,

now the whole town knows
my vagina plays the violin.

Claire...

I lost my shit after the third question
of where does the cock ring go

and it gets stuck in the thing and...

Jesus H. Christ, Liz!

A woman who hasn't even gotten
close to getting off with a man

should not be selling sex toys.

There's someone behind me,
isn't there?

Oh, look, alcohol.

- So... Jenny. What an exotic name.
- Yeah.

Thank you.

I used to spell it with two E's
when I was an actress.

And now you're a designer
of provocative brochures and what-not?

Not pacifically, no, but I do handle
all of the graphic design,

as well as the merchandise consultation.

Oh, Liz, by the way, the new one gave me
multiple orgasms on the way here.

Wait, you mean specifically?

That's what I said, pacifically.

And did you mean "on the way here"?

Yeah, yeah.

I brought the Gargantuan
for the drive over here

because some of the stoplights
in this town is like fo-re-ver!

I hear ya! We should go hit
the open road. You drive a stick?

Oh, no, I drive a Prius.
The whales...

Okay, I should go home back to...

my laundry. Yeah, it's done.

You sure? There's not something
you wanna say...

to someone here?

No...

Well, enjoy your goody bag, Claire.

And as I always say,
"When the crazy train's fuming...

get off."

Thank you, Jenny.

Carter, you wanna
walk Claire to her car?

Oh, no, no, that's more than fine.

Hey, Liz, did you hear the timer
go off in the oven?

I think I heard the timer go off.

No, I definitely don't hear a timer.

No, no, the timer definitely went off,
I think you can't hear it

because you weren't paying attention.

Hey, Liz?

Subtlely is not a second language.

Dude!

Kitchen!

How could you let me walk into that?
Ever heard of a cell phone?

They followed Jim home from the plant!
His phone died.

He updated me about 30 seconds
before you you got here!

He doesn't even remember who I am.

Jim told me everything!

He's been obsessing over you
for the past five years

like a blubbering orphan!

Oh, my God, he has?

He didn't have a picture.
You live with his Mini-Me.

Ladies?

Sorry, but... I'm leaving now too
if I can still walk Claire out?

Laundry.

- Hey, Claire?
- Yes?

Can I see you again?

Oh, fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

Call me.

Liz can give you my number.

Relaxation and confidence...

What?

Oh, yeah!

Yeah... yeah!

Holy shit balls!

Hey, bitch!

Were you singing?
What are you doing?

Gavin's at school so I thought
I'd clean up a bit around here.

Claire, you never clean.
Am I losing you here?

No! No, I'm... I'm good!

You savage nympho...

Excuse me?

You sampled the goods!

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Which one did you try?

The Jackrabbit! Oh, my God,
I feel amazing every time I think of it!

Congratulations, Grasshopper.

Well, thank you.
So, what's up?

Little problem.
Something with the zoning commission.

Oh. Wow.

Yeah. They say that one shop
can't have two breaker boxes.

I don't even know
what the hell a breaker box is.

I don't know.

It makes me sick
even just thinking about this.

I think we need... a man.

Like an electrician man?

Yeah.

You know, I think someone
on the city council is behind this.

There was no problem

until they set the date
to vote us in or out.

Whatever, does your dad know...
electric stuff?

He's a mechanic, but I'll ask.

Okay, thanks.

Unknown Caller

Hello?

Hey. It's Carter.

Hi.

Yeah, everybody goes...

And for the next two weeks,
night shifts and overtime

made our schedules only allow
communication by phone.

As in we had to talk.
It was perfect.

The Boy From the Party...
The Father of My Son...

was finally becoming "Carter".

Two brothers. Older.

Used to convince me
that Santa would skip our house

unless I went to school
with underoos on my head.

Aw...

Yeah, I think I did the Big Brother thing
just to balance out the universe.

And we had to bust out the back doors
in the middle of winter, remind you...

- She left when I was fifteen.
- Rough.

And I do see her every
now and again,

and she'll always post
whatever picture she takes of us

on her Facebook page
and be, like, "Me and my BFF!"

But I like to think that parents
can teach you things accidentally.

Like how to be a completely
different mom someday?

Someday.
That was when he wanted kids.

So, someday I'd let him know
the one thing I was holding back.

Along with who I was.

And how he was
the only guy I'd ever... I'd tell him.

Someday. Or Saturday.
Yeah, Saturday was good.

The two are completely
rewired as one now.

Yeah.

Dad, I can't believe I never knew
you were a contractor.

- I mean, I can...
- Mr. Morgan,

if you weren't her dad
I would so hump your leg right now!

That's a...
It's a little weird, okay?

Oh, shit, ice cream!

- Gavin!
- I got him.

How is it even men of stone
can get so squirmy?

That's my dad, Liz. Ew.

Gavin, get your ass back here!

Whoa, there, Guy!
Wait for Dad, huh? This yours?

Daughter's.

- You got kids?
- Nope.

Good answer.

Okay, so make sure you get
three of everything, okay?

Okay, I'll call you
when I'm headed to the...

- Hey!
- Hi.

Hi, Carter.

You didn't mention...

Okay! Well, three's a threesome,
so you kids have fun.

She funny? I can't tell.

It might be safer
to let her believe it.

This place looks great.

And you...

look great.

Thanks.

Smells like chocolate in here.

What did you make?

It's probably me.
I always smell like chocolate.

What's your favorite movie?

My favorite movie?

It's Heathers.

It's you.

Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to.
I wanted to, I just... didn't.

So you knew it was me at the bar?

- Yeah.
- God, you probably thought

- I was such an asshole.
- No.

How could you tell after five years?

Mommy! I got some ice cream.

Hi, honey.

Who the hell are you?

Gavin, mommy's with a customer.

Logan.

We'll be in the car.

Yeah.

That was a kid, right?

Yeah.

I lost my virginity to a really cool guy
at a frat party a few years ago

and got I got knocked up. With a kid.

I thought we used a condom.

I don't think it worked.

- Holy...
- Okay, Carter...

Why didn't you tell me?

Just take a breath, okay?

His name is Gavin?

Yeah.

What? You disapprove?

I kinda picked it myself,
since the father was nowhere to be found.

I scoured the Earth for you!

Really? Because I never left Ohio.

I dry heave whenever I see
someone puke, all right? I...

I don't know how to change a diaper.

Okay, he's four years old.

He doesn't wear diapers anymore

and he's not Linda Blair
from The Exorcist.

Wait, who the... Look...

Can I call you later, please?

Sure.

The next week of hearing nothing
made me realize

what I finally had to do:
I would marry my Jackrabbit.

As for what I would I really do?
Go back to my day.

Hoping Gavin would meet a friend
who wouldn't tell their parents

where they had learned "that word".

Making penis and boob cookies.

Telling myself Arnold and Keanu
could raise a well-adjusted man.

Watching women eat penis
and boob cookies.

Lather.

Rinse.

Repeat.

Hey! Jesus!

Soberman enter.
Dropman late.

All right, man, there's no need
to act like a baby.

All right, out with this.

That's why I run to the store
and buy my own tampons.

She has a kid!

I'm somebody's dad.

Yeah, I got that
from the voice mail you left me.

Your kid. Jenny told me everything

Oh, I banged Jenny.

Tits are...

What the hell am I gonna do?

Look, I know you're in shock,

but sitting around here
fingering your vagina all day

isn't gonna make anything better.

You spent all these years trying
to find her and now here she is.

Right in front of you.

So she's got a little baggage.

Who doesn't?

She has a baggage?
Dude, she has a son.

Your son.

Wake up and look in the mirror,
baby daddy.

And you spent all these years trying
to bang her out of your system

with some chick you could barely stand.

In the words of the great Maury Povich,

"You are the father."

Go talk to her.

Did he answer back?
Good for you.

Hey, Denny, let me get that.

Hey, Sarah,
I saw your sister yesterday.

She...

Did it! Par, ladies and gentlemen!

You saw it, right? Here!

What can I do for you?

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

No, I'm sorry.

Can we talk?

I'm kind of in a double today.

Well, can I stay?

I mean, why go home when I can sit here
and stare at a hot chick all night?

Well, you're out of luck,
'cause it's only me here tonight.

Well... then I guess it's a good thing

that you're the hottest
and sexiest woman I've ever seen.

What time do you get off?

Not until one.

Can I wait here
until you're done working?

I can help you close up
and, you know, we can talk,

or whatever.

Yeah... whatever.

Directed! Point for me!

Right on the noggin.

Point for Carter, baby,
put it on the board.

I have a giant head,
it's not that hard.

Put it on the board, game over.

Gotta make that shot!

It was wide open!

Oh, Denny, hold on. Okay.

I'm gonna get him a car, all right?

Here, let's go, bud.

Thanks.

Okay, last call
and the soda keg is tapped.

Oh, no, lemme help you close,
you look exhausted.

Is it a nice way of saying
I look like shit?

I would tell you
if you looked like shit.

I would tell you if the jeans
you're wearing made your ass look fat.

I would tell you if the meal you cooked me
tasted like something I'd stepped in.

And... and... I would tell you
if a joke you told me

was as unfunny as a battered puppy.

Well, let me buy
an honest man a drink then.

I'm good. I promise.

I should've just told you.

I'm...

I should've just woken you up
that morning.

So, what do you wanna talk about?

To know what it's like.
To be a parent.

Gavin is wonderful.

He is smart and funny
and he's the best little boy in the world.

He has his moments though.

But, yeah, he's well behaved
and he's perfect.

Just perfect.

It's okay if you wanna complain.

I mean, I can only imagine
how tough it's been.

I love, Gavin.

Hey, no one's questioning that.

I love Gavin to death,
but he drives me fucking crazy.

I mean, the firs time he said mommy,
oh, my God, my heart melted,

but that kid won't shut up... ever.

Did you know I gained 56 pounds
when I was pregnant with him.

My ass had its own zip code.

Well, if it makes you feel better,
you have an awesome ass.

Thank you.

Being a parent is saving
someone's life every five minutes.

It's knowing
that you could ruin the future

of the one person you love the most

whether you're trying
your damn hardest or not.

It's also wiping away every single problem
you've ever had for a few minutes

or seconds and...

when they run up to you
and they give you a big hug.

And it's lonely.

You kind of amaze me,
you know that?

I can't believe
you don't hate me right now.

Wait, why would I hate you?

Because I used you for sex
and I never spoke to you again.

Where I come from,
that's Christmas morning to a guy.

And I...

I should be the one apologizing to you.

I gotta go...

If I would've ever known that you...

that you would never...

that I was your first...

I would've done things
a hell of a lot differently.

Like what?

I would've kissed you more.

I would've held your body against mine
longer so I could feel every...

inch of you.

I would've touched you everywhere.

Everywhere.

And take the time to feel
your heartbeat in my hand.

Touch my vagina.

Being close to you...

Being close to you
just drives me so crazy.

If you think this is too much too fast,

just tell me to stop and I will.

If you stop...
I'll straight up murder your ass.

I know this doesn't make up
for the other night.

But I wanna make you feel good, Claire.

Can I touch you?

I need your fingers inside of me.

That's the hottest thing I've ever heard.

Oh, God, I said that out loud, didn't I?

I forget how bad you are...

Oh, Lord!

Fuck, Carter.

My God!

I have a really important question
to ask you.

I want to spend some time with Gavin.

- Okay.
- It's okay if you're not comfortable...

No, no. I would love you to meet him.

It's just... For you to do that,
you're gonna have to meet... him.

Him... who?

Yeah...

If you touch my daughter's boobs
while I'm standing here,

I'm gonna stuff taffee
in your trachea tube

and terminate you.

Did your dad just tell me
he's gonna choke me to death with taffee?

Yeah, he's on the letter T.

You got any tattoos, son?

No, no, sir, I don't.

You own a bike?

Well, I have a mountain bike
that's in storage, I don't really...

A motorcycle, Kathy, a motorcycle.

Dad...

No, and my name's Carter,
by the way.

Ever been locked up?
Had trouble with the law?

No, sir... never.

Have you ever made a man
bleed so bad

that before you finished beating him
you thought, "Maybe I've gone too far."?

No.

You sure he's not gay?

- He's not gay!
- Yeah, no.

All right, Carter's here
to spend time with Gavin and I

'cause that's what he should
be doing, right?

Fine.

But you knock her up again
and you somehow disappear...

Dad!

I'll come to the edges of the Earth,
hunt you down

and deliver her cranky ass
to your doorstep.

I'm not dealing with nine more months
of this pussy pants over here.

Yeah... yeah, deal.

Team Jacob, bitch!

Gavin!

My new sword I found jiggles!

- I'm out.
- What does this button do?

Mommy, this tickles...

Where did you get this?

And why did you do that to Carter?
You know better!

You said that he was your friend.

He is. He is Mommy's friend!

Papa said your friends
whooped your ass...

Oh, honey. He's not Johnny,
Jack or Jose...

Good job, bud.
Protect, mommy.

Can you...? Hey... Hi.

There you go.

That was good hit.

I need you.

Well, now it's kind of not a good time.

The shipment came a day early
and they left all the merch outside

in the open...

and some do-gooder dickhead
must have signed for it...

- What?
- They lifted one of the Dildo Dans.

Okay, okay, take a deep breath in
and I'll see what I can do.

God, what is wrong with people?

Yeah, I know. Bye.

Carter's tall.

Gavin's observant.

We have to reschedule this.

Why? What's up?

Hey, honey.

Why won't you leave this stuff
in your room, please? Thank you.

So Liz and I need to get
something off the street

before the wrong people
tell the wrong people.

And my dad works tonight, so...

Something inappropriate
that he would see if you brought him?

- Oh...
- It's cool, I've got him.

- I don't wanna...
- I know.

After I found out, I left the scene
like a hit and run driver,

but I promise you, Claire,
I will never get spooked again.

Did you just quote Cocktail to me?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Okay, you can watch him.

Boys night! There we go!

Right in the stock room.
Fuck, that's hot!

I'd let him sell my kid for that.

Aren't you the big, bold hussy now!

Not really.

Claire, are you already
self-sabotaging this?

Claire.

Did you cyber-stalk him?

Well, he gave me his last name!

Is his ex is hot?

Look at this bitch!

God!

Oh, God, I hate her!

Right?

Holy slut-shame, Batman!

You know what?

You've heard it.
She's a shitty creature in a hottie shell.

She's sex personified.

How's he not gonna be thinking about her
when I don't know how to... sex?

- What?
- I mean, sexy.

I don't' know how to...

"sexy".

Claire! You're hot.

Again, you could just stand there
and he would wanna hump your leg.

Okay...

Repeat after me.

"I'm a dirty, dirty slut."

Okay, you are really starting
to piss me off.

Do you think I'd let you be
my best friend

if I didn't think that there was

a dirty little whore working
in there somewhere?

Okay.

I'm a dirty, dirty slut.

Okay, she's dirty girl.
You can do better.

Really, put your vagina into it.

Okay... I'm a dirty, dirty slut.

Yes.

- All right.
- Think like that

when you talk to him and you'll make
his dick stand straight up.

Oh, my God.
Okay, I'm a dirty, dirty slut!

Yes, you are!

Dirty... Ouch, slut.

How can we help you today?

Did somebody fart?

Why would you ask me that?

'Cause of your face.

My face offends you, does it?

We're not open publicly yet.

Yet the door is wide open
for any unsuspecting citizen

to just wander in
and be faced with... what-have-you.

We'll be sure to lock it behind you.

You might watch your tone
with me there, dear.

We both know this was more
than open to the public today.

BUTLER CITY COUNCIL

What can I do for you today, Lorraine?

You mean to sell sexual products

on one side and sweets
on the other, correct?

Yes, Ma'am.

Do you plan to build
a barrier in between?

Children tend to enjoy
candy shops.

Yes, Ma'am, there will be
a visible separation

with a curtain
and an "adults only" sign.

We'll have the candles
and lingerie on the floor

and then everything else
will be in the back.

So you'll pick out what you want
on the brochure

or order online before your visit.

My visit? No.

Oh, it'll be gift-bagged.
It's all in the proposal.

I'm sure you've read it.

I'm sure I have.
"Butler needs a naughty little secret."

That's what we believe.

I believe that Butler has been
a fine place to live since 1835.

And I have a secret for you ladies:

the council has to be unanimous
when approving a new business.

And I intend to keep
these doors locked shut.

Good day.

Who the fuck says "Good Day?"

Good day, sir.
What's the panic?

Why aren't you wearing a shirt?

Didn't know if he reads yet.

No, I lost him, Drew. I lost him!

What?

- The last time you saw him?
- Was nap time.

- I tucked him in.
- Where?

- Where what?
- Where what?

His bedroom, the roof?

Focus man, I'm trying to find
a missing child, damn it!

I know you're...
God, why did I even call you?

Because you're freaking out!
Now, man up here and point!

Dude!

Unmade bed. So, he's either a slob
or planned on coming back.

When's the last he ate,
what'd he have?

Snack was Cheetos and juice around 3.
I'm calling the police.

Touch that phone, she finds out.
Gimme five, we find him.

I'm not lying to Claire!

Exactly. A lie would be you lost him.

But you thought you did,

and like Superdad
you called Detective Drew.

He was never gone.

Cheetos...
And where were you at T.O.D.?

What's "Tod"?

Time of disappearance, come on!

We were watching TV on the couch.

So, he'd have had to pass you
to get to the door.

You need to watch more Scooby-Doo.

Who's gonna wipe me?

- Hey.
- Hey.

How'd it go?

Good... good.

He kinda let himself in
when I was peeing

and I turned away too quickly, and...

I cleaned it up.

That's okay. I'm home for the night,
so you're off the clock.

I wish I didn't have to work tonight.

Yeah... me too.

Hey...

would you wanna come over Friday
for dinner and stay the night?

Both of you?

Yeah.

Okay, so...

- I'll...
- Carter has a big penis.

Good to know, buddy...

'cause it's been a while.

- Okay. I'll see you.
- Yeah.

- Good.
- You will.

Night, bud.

Small size, huh?

Very funny.

On your period?

Listen, man. Since I just caught you
buying condoms

and Claire's like a sister to me,

I feel like I'm gonna say
a few words at this time.

You know, I would never want you
to feel like

your job is ever in danger if...

Look, man. I get it.
You gotta say some words.

Break her heart,
and I'll skull-fuck you.

That came out wrong.

Damm it, it sounded good
in the movie.

It's okay, I would never want
that to happen. Either thing.

What does "skull-fuck"
even mean anyway?

I think it's when you rip
a guy's eyeball out of its socket

and then put your dick in there.
Then I guess you...

Fuck his brains?

I guess "skull-fuck"
had a better ring to it.

Why would you do that to anyone?

I don't know, Jim,
I'm just shopping.

Just treat her right, okay?

Got it.

Hey, Jim?

I think I love her.
And I just wanna make her happy.

Well, no one can skull-fuck you
for trying.

Hey, guys!

Hello, Farter.

Carter.

Sexy. Sexy. Sexual thoughts.

Come on in!

Cum on my face, I'm a dirty slut.

Veggie lasagna cool?

That's great.

Just shove it in my pussy.

Hey, Gav, come here.

I got this crazy thing
I gotta show you.

What the fuck?

Gavin!

Suck my ass and call me Steven...

Holy shit! Don't say that!

Now the crazy part is
it's a magic room.

So, every time you say a naughty word,
a toy disappears.

Yeah.

Now, just make sure
it's okay with mom to go in.

Please, Mommy,
I'll say all the good words.

Okay, go have fun.
And remember, it's almost bedtime.

Okay.

Hang a right
and drop me off in Dicktown.

He likes it.

More wine?

More hard cock in my mouth?

Oh, no, thanks.

Are you feeling okay?

Fucktastic.
Penises may be players,

but vaginas are
the dealers in this town.

You're not gonna win
against the house, bitch.

I'm trying to be sexy.

What?

Jesus, your ex is like
the queen of plow-me selfies.

Tasha? You mean that stupid
five-year-old fish face she did?

Dude, I know I'm an idiot.

By the way,
this lasagna tastes amazing,

you have to give me the recipe.

Oh, my God.

Okay, okay, stop.
Just start over with me.

Yeah, right.
How 'bout them Mud Hens?

Team's not looking bad this year.
Does Gavin like baseball?

Actually, yeah.

He's been asking when you're gonna play
catch with him again.

We should check out a game.

We would love that.

I hope I didn't overdo
with the bedroom, I just...

I got to the toy store, and...

I don't know, there's this garbage truck
named Stinky.

It sorta just picks up
bits of garbage and then burps.

I don't know, I guess
I kinda just half bought it for myself.

What?

You just amaze me, that's all.

Are you done?

Yeah.

And before we do this...

I need you to know something.

I am 100%, absolutely in love with you.

And Gavin.

I love you too, Carter.

Wait, wait.

What, you want me to stop?

I'm not as perfect as you think.

I had a kid, you know, it's a thing.

Okay.

Well, fuck it!

Just being close to you
drives me crazy.

I have a quivering loin.

You don't have to try
to be sexy or dirty.

Just you breathing does it.

You're everything
I've ever wanted, Claire.

Don't ever doubt that.

It feels so good.

More.

Mommy?

What are you guys doing?

Mommy's on a very important phone call.

Long distance.

I don't feel good.

Okay, gimme a minute.

And I'll be right back.

I need you to give me a minute.

Shouldn't we maybe be on call?
I mean, we can do this another night.

Fuck, no! You're not off the hook.

No!

What's wrong?

Carter?

The bugs got lotion
when the dogs tickled...

Farmer.

Oh, don't eat the marker, Drew... Why...

'Cause I never see you anymore!

Yeah!

You see me every week!

For work!

This is work too though,

we gotta get these things together
if we're gonna send 'em out

to everyone on the mailing list
before the opening!

'Cause we only have a week left here.

Don't you think
we should wait and see

what happens with the city
before we do anything?

Claire! Think positive
and drink with us!

Hey, go have fun.

I don't wanna...

I don't wanna be the new guy
that hides you from your friends.

We're good here.

Good as fu... "ugdecicles".

Good save, bud.

Okay, but I'm only gonna have
one glass of wine.

Holy balls, I love wine!

I love wine more than a hooker loves
free VD testing day at the clinic.

Sol just seems like a very sad day.

Oh, no!

Oh, no, shit, wait.
No... shit.

- Did you forget to lock the door?
- No.

Oh, no, because...

"Hello... My name is Lorraine.

Here's my card.

And I plan to keep this door locked...
just like my dry vagina...

Because I'm a miserable potato-head

who looks like I'm constantly
breathing in a pile of shit."

You should seriously do stand-up!

Hey, what about me?

Oh, I don't think
that you're very funny.

- Bitch.
- You know what?

I'm gonna do stand-up

when we stand up to her

and we turn this place
into a motherfucking goldmine.

Yeah!

- 'Cause guess what?
- What?

- Guess what.
- What?

Nobody can stop us now, bitches!

My...

Who put alcohol in my alcohol?

Yeah. Look,
I'd rather get this out now

before you think
something's wrong later...

Is this an intervention?

No, no.

But I am calling you a shitty drunk.

So am I. I mean,
we actually made a child together.

But you did something last night,
that got me to think.

Oh, God, what did I do?

More like... what you wrote.

Lucky for you I am fluent
in Claire's drunk ramblings

This is your last will and testament
in case you died...

from a staple.

This is so embarrassing.

No, no. I can tell that
this is important to you.

And it's important to me too.

And I know you have your dad
and my parents are very old, but...

No, I agree. I think we should have
someone younger

as a back-up plan.

Well, Liz and Jim.

Yeah, I love Liz.

Well, I like her enough.

And Jim too,

but do we know much
about them and kids?

Well, they are looking
after her sister's kid today.

So maybe we could go spy on them
while Liz and I finish paperwork.

Sounds like a mission.

Hey, bud!

No, no!

You guys suck!

She said "suck".

I know, I heard it.

Come on, Mommy!
Come on, Mommy!

God, I wish my sister
would eat her young.

Melissa!

Auntie Liz told you no to run.

Whatever, maybe she'll hit
her head and fall asleep.

That's all you're gonna do?

No. The next time she runs through here,
I'm gonna kick her.

Trip her. Still family.

Hey, is she in here?

Melissa, careful!

Remember when we both forgot her
at Bob Evans' and drove away?

Yeah!

That's my favorite memory with her.

Fuck! Oh, fuck!

Fuck me as in fuck me in the...

Hey!

Mommy? Melissa's telling me
to touch her no-no zone.

What does that mean?
I don't like her.

Mom's a little busy, bud.

What happened?

Liz, you are not helping
my post-drunk anxiety.

I did something last night.

What?

Oh, God, please tell me
this is a nightmare...

This isn't a nightmare.
What happened?

I called Lorraine using the card
that she gave me

and left a very unfortunate voicemail.

What did you say?

I said something like,
I'm going to tell the FBI

that she signed for the merch!

And then I may or may not
have called a C-U-Next-Tuesday!

No! Liz, we were gonna
show her the shop together!

I know, but I was drunk!
And it got me all riled up

with your fucking comedy show!

So now it's my fault?

Let me see her message.

Oh, God!

Oh, God, now there's no chance
for us at all, is there?

She's gonna vote us down
and pursue a harassment case.

God dammit, Liz. I trusted you.

Hey, I gave this to you.

Well, it's always
the same story with you.

The Liz giveth
and The Liz taketh away.

Oh, well, maybe The Liz
should stop helping

since all I ever do is fuck
things up for you, right?

That's not fair.

Five years, you had.

To hire a PI to find your baby daddy
or find another way to get your degree.

But only when the world comes to you
do you go on with life!

You know what, Liz,

not all of us have our granddaddy's money
to set us up for life!

Fuck you!

I'm sorry, Liz. I didn't mean.
I didn't wanna say...

Claire, grow up!

Just do it the hell away from me!

I don't think Liz and Jim should...

Me neither!

Hey...

I was thinking maybe you guys
should move in with me.

I mean, you guys are there
most of the time anyway now,

and... I was thinking I could pitch in,
you know, for him... you.

Until you guys figure this out.

You wanna rescue me?

I wanna try.

Like a prince?
In those movies you're showing him?

What, Disney?

I wanna broaden his horizon
beyond Die Hard and Fight Club.

At least John McClane
did something to get the girl!

Little Mermaid had to what,

quit her friends and family
for fucking feet?

Whoa, whoa...

How come Eric
never grew gills, huh?

How come Belle went
from wanting a better life

to Stockholm Syndrome?

Claire, look at me.
I'm not a cartoon.

I just... I wanna be my kid's dad.

Okay, and I also wanna be the guy

that you complain to
when you come home after work...

I do not complain.

- Yes, you do.
- Not before you showed up!

Not before everybody else forgot
that I can do this on my own.

Porn?

I miss us

School of Business Applicant

Hey!

Hey, bitch.

Liz, I'm...

Sorry. Me first.

How are you doing?

I'm a student.

Cool...

And I'm a graduate who should've
majored in pole dancing.

Wow, okay, that joke just fell flat, huh?

There was a joke in there?
I missed it.

Fuck you, whore.

Are you working tonight?

I'm home with Gavin.

Dad has plans tonight
and he never has plans, so...

My mom, too. Must be some
new old people Bingo club thing.

Maybe Lorraine will be there!

Should ask your dad if he's a hitman.

You know, we can speak
before they vote.

Maybe we should just go down there
and talk to them.

Yeah, no, I'm thinking
that maybe me speaking

would definitely do
more harm than good.

But you know what?

It is still our space
and we can just do what we planned.

It just would've been fun,
you know?

Yeah, I know.

Hell with it.
Was just a business.

I love you.

I love you, too.

- There you go.
- So strong.

Hey, Dad, I'm going out.
Do you need anything?

No one's ever asked me that before.

No, I'm good.

Okay.

Hey, Dad!

Thank you.

For everything.

For taking me back in.

For helping me raise my child.

That's my job, kiddo.

Yeah, but I feel like
I never thanked you for that.

And I don't want you to think
that I take you for granted

or that I don't appreciate you
and everything you do for us...

No, no, hey, hey...

No, no...

No.

Come on...

You're gonna be okay.

Yeah.

Okay, yeah...

Claire...

Listen, if there's...
one thing I learned from your mom...

and I do mean one thing...

is that love is not like
it is in the movies.

Thanks, Dad.

- That was... general.
- No, it's...

It's not like it is
in the movies in that...

You don't... get to be
with who you wanna me with.

It's not always about war or...

The Matrix or that someone's
a werewolf, you know.

It's about what you want.

Thank you, Dad.

Get out.

I'd planned on respecting
your space,

then your dad called me
and said "stop messaging my daughter"...

with emojis.

Then he told me you're here.

So...

Yeah... I am.

I'm so sorry.

Are those chocolate penises and boobs?

Yeah. They're... party favors...

Party I have tonight.

Oh, shit!

Did you get chocolate in my hair?

Yeah, you can get chocolate
wherever you want.

I love you more than chocolate.

Now it's my turn to play.

Oh, shit!

Oh, sweet Jesus!

It looks like a chocolate bomb
went off in here.

I think I'm gonna like
this chocolate business.

Yeah.

By the way,
we're moving in with you.

What is all this for?
Are you guys not getting voted down?

I gotta make more chocolate.

Can I help you?

Yeah.

All right. Let's get this done.

Hello?

What did you do?

Claire, what did you do?

I... I thought I...

I thought I would help out...

My lawyer was at the council meeting
and just called, tell me,

what the hell did you do?

What the hell is
this woman's problem?

A problem?
Claire, she voted us in!

She told everyone to spread the news
and we're gonna open!

We're opening this weekend!
What the fuck did you tell her?

Okay, anyways, I gotta go!

Okay, bye, girl!

I'll see you later, okay? Bye.

Thank you so much for coming.

Thank you.

Hi, sweetie!

Hi, Mom!

What are you up to?

I got that.

Mr. Morgan!

You're banging my mom.

Bingo, okay!

Excuse me. I'm just...
I'm just gonna throw up a little bit.

Okay...

Whoa, Simba!

Save it for Billy's tomorrow, bud.

Here, let's go get a camel apple.

"Camel."

You know, I told Claire that it was you.
Who got me to man up.

And she notices how you change
your shirts for Gavin.

So, as strange as it is...

You're gonna let me borrow Claire?

Borrow Cla... No, you dick!

Good, I don't need that kinda
temptation right now.

God, you really are an asshole!

I'm trying to ask you
to be my son's godfather!

Really?

You're a good friend, Drew.

So, if anything were to happen...

Are you crying?

No! You probably
think I'm some kinda...

Aw, fuck your butt!

I love you too, man.

Shut up!

What did you put on her platter?

The usual.
Baked apples, cake pops,

Major McGillicutty's Crispy
Goodness Globs...

chocolate covered potato chips

and... a Jackrabbit.

Claire!

So, Gavin.

You will always have a room
at papa's house,

but we're gonna move in
with Carter now.

Because he's your dad.
And we're a family.

My dad for real?

Yeah.

So, one day my weiner will be
as big as yours?

I believe, bud.
Hey, you may end up bigger.

- Holy shit!
- Gavin!