Screwballs (1983) - full transcript

- Higher.

Can't you get your end up a little higher?

I can't hold this position forever.

Get it up there, right up there.

Higher.

- Oh look who's coming!

- If it isn't Mr. Rick McKay.

Mister good and plenty.

- He's so good looking.

- Good looking and good and horny.

- Come on, we're gonna be late for class!



♪ Nine o'clock and the school bells ring ♪

♪ Gotta get up, gotta be on top ♪

♪ Can't help yourself
got this crazy feeling ♪

♪ Can't just seem to get him off my mind ♪

♪ Day drags on, the teacher keeps trying ♪

♪ To make me know what
I don't wanna know ♪

♪ There's only one thing
that keeps me flying ♪

♪ One more bell and I get to go ♪

♪ You can have some crazy times ♪

♪ Crazy, ooh ♪

♪ Don't you know my heart's on fire ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ School is school, I believe him ♪

♪ Gotta go out, take me sometime ♪



♪ Can't help myself I've
got this crazy feeling ♪

♪ One of these days she's gonna be mine ♪

♪ 'Til that day I've gotta keep trying ♪

♪ To get past everything in my way ♪

♪ Homework, school bus, got me crying ♪

♪ Looking for something
familiar or strange ♪

♪ You can have some crazy times ♪

♪ Crazy, ooh ♪

♪ Don't you know my heart's on fire ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Nine o'clock and the girls are waiting ♪

♪ Hop in the car and we'll go downtown ♪

♪ Can't help myself I've
got this crazy feeling ♪

♪ Radio's playing my favorite sound ♪

♪ All the while my grades are slipping ♪

♪ Dad keeps telling me to go, go, go ♪

♪ I don't mind the way that I'm feeling ♪

♪ I won't change even though I could ♪

♪ You can have some crazy times ♪

♪ I'm looking for some
crazy, crazy times ♪

♪ Looking for some crazy times ♪

♪ I gotta find some crazy, crazy times ♪

♪ Looking for some crazy times ♪

♪ I'm looking for some
crazy, crazy times ♪

♪ You can have some crazy times ♪

♪ I gotta find 'em, I wanna
find some crazy times ♪

♪ Looking for some crazy times ♪

♪ I'm looking for some
crazy, crazy times ♪

♪ Won't you rock awhile with me ♪

♪ Rock, rock ♪

- Rick McKay, whatever happened to you?

- It's a big explosion.

Purity, you gotta help!

- What explosion, whatever
are you talking about?

- Pipe's burst in the girl's restroom.

Boom, toilet paper and shit everywhere.

- What were you doing
in the girls' restrooms?

- Don't worry, I'll be okay.

But you better go, they need help!

Go, hurry!

Go, go, go.

Good morning girls,

I'm Dr. Pepper.

♪ Wouldn't you like to be ♪

Okay, who would like to
be the first volunteer?

- Oh I would!
- Me, me, me!

- How about you?

You have very, you look healthy.

Please.

Now I don't want you to
worry about anything.

These are very, very experienced hands.

I can't tell you how many
times I've done this.

That's very nice.

Ooh, it's cold.

That's very nice.

I think we're going to,

I think we're going to
have to have a closer look.

I can't seem to be able to hear a thing.

Oh my.

- Bonjour, class.

Bonjour,
Mademoiselle Boudoir.

- To speak French, you
must use your mouth.

And the tongue.

And you must always speak
from here, the diaphragm.

Where's the diaphragm?

- Now class, after me.

Now class, pardon moi a moment.

Brent, will you take the
while I'm away?

- Oh class.

Today, I will teach you the
most advanced mouth exercise.

Today, you will learn the
proper way to give French head.

To give Parisian head,
you must use your bouche.

You must use,
and the most important,

you must use the tongue.

- The tongue?

Oh Brent.

Teach me again.

- Oh yes, the tongue, the tongue.

- Excuse me--
- Excuse me, excuse me,

do you know where the?

The boys' gym, do you know
where the boys' gym is?

The boys' gym, do you?
- Mhm, do I ever.

- Hi, I'm new here and just
wondering if you could tell me

where the boys' gym is.

- Transfer student, right?

- That's right, I'm Tim.

Tim Stevenson from Idaho.

- Well Tim, Tim Stevenson from Idaho.

Why here's the boys' gym right here.

- It was right here in front of my nose.

Listen, thank you for your help.

Thank you.

- My pleasure.

Who the hell
do you think you are?

♪ Just can't stop it, stop the rock ♪

♪ No you just can't
stop it, stop the rock ♪

♪ So hot and you just can't stop the bop ♪

- Excuse me.

A frozen big stick, will you Melvin?

- I'd love a scoop of dripping chocolate.

With some of your whipped cream, big boy.

- Sure girls, whatever you want.

- Thanks, Melvin.

I would have gone crazy if I didn't get

something in my mouth.

♪ Just can't stop the bop ♪

- Oh, Purity.

What can I get for you?

- I'd like a big, hard, frozen banana.

- It's coming right up.

- You know, I think I've changed my mind.

- Well what do you want?

- I feel like a hot, fresh cherry sundae.

- Yeah.

Cherry, huh?

- And Melvin?

I just love ya to top
it off with your nuts.

- Yeah, well, uh, I'll be right back.

- Where you going, Jerkovski?

Going to live up to your last name?

We're finally leaving

our own germ-free frozen food meat locker.

Melvin!

Jerk off, jerk off, Jerkovski!

- Holy shit, it's a pussy factory.

Excuse me, Purity.

- Howie Bates, what are you up to now?

- Oh nothing.

Mirror just needs a bit
of adjusting, that's all.

Fuck a duck it's Roach!

- Howie Bates, detention!

- Holy shit, 42 years of bad luck.

What are you here for?

- That guy.

New kid doesn't know this
is my home away from home.

Hey, Jerkovski!

Back again, hey, where'd
you beat off this time,

study hall?

- No meat locker.

- Smart thinking, Mel.

No better place to beat the beat, huh?

- Sh sh sh, sh!

Or I'll tell Principal Stuckoff!

Stuckoff can fuck off.

- You know Susie Miller
wears red lacy underwears.

- All the cheerleaders
do, but only on Mondays.

- What are they wearing Friday?

- This Friday's homecoming.

They probably won't wear anything.

- Do you gentlemen know the
meaning of the word vermin,

heathens!

Scum!

Trash, degenerates!

- I think I know what trash.

- Here at Taft and Adams High School--

- Fucking A in T and A.
- We have a fine reputation

to uphold--

- I can give him something to hold.

- A dignity to carry on.

I am not about to have a
few bad seeds take root,

contaminating my divine
garden of higher education.

This afternoon on this, your
regretful day of detention,

I want you.

I want you, my, my, my, if it
isn't our homecoming queen.

Oh looking quite beautiful
today I might add.

- What is that?

- You really are new here, aren't you kid?

- That's none other than Purity Busch,

the last hold-out at T and A High.

- She's the only girl who has it.

- She's got to have the
nicest tits in town.

- How would you know, asshole?

Nobody's ever laid eyes
on them let alone hands.

- Hope you've been practicing your music.

- Pardon me, Principal Stuckoff,

the vice principal would
like to see you right away.

He says it's urgent.

- Business calling, my dear.

I'll be back in just a moment.

As for you, you swine.

None of you are to leave that
bench, is that understood?

I'll be back in a moment, my dear.

Oh.

Well, aren't any of you
boys going to be gentlemen?

- Five days of detention.

Then maybe you boys will know the meaning

of the words hard labor.

- Five days?

- Five days.

Come, my dear.

- Come on, we're all in this together.

- This detention is fucked.
- I'll say.

And you know who we've got to thank.

Yeah, Miss Purity Busch.

- Aren't any of you boys
going to be gentlemen?

- Female.
- Yeah, females.

Can you believe it?

My first day here and
I'm already in detention.

- Kid, what's your name?
- Tim.

- Look, Tim, staying after
school can be a drag,

but sometimes you can luck out.

You won't believe this.

Two weeks ago in this lab,
I got a private lesson

in biology from Professor Sarah Bellum.

Know what I mean, boys, a private lesson.

- Cut the bullshit,
Fred, no one's interested

in your wet dreams.

- I am.
- Bullshit.

You jerk off so much, if
you ever did get laid,

you'd probably scream out your own name.

- You really got down
with the bio teacher?

They say she's real kinky.

- I did and she is.

She's so hot for me.

They all are.

- Purity isn't.
- Yeah what's with Purity?

It's like she wanted
us to get in hot water.

- You mean deep shit.

- I almost made it with her once.

Now look who's wet dreaming.

- You think Purity really is a virgin?

- No girl is.

- My sister is.

- My mother is.

- Purity definitely is.

There it is, gentlemen.

Before homecoming let's make it a point

that at least one of us
will get a shot at her bod.

Or at least a glimpse of her tits.

Who wants to be first?

- Need some wheels.

I'll tell you Tim, if that
seat could talk, woof,

I'd sure be in a hell of a lot of trouble.

Just check out this dash,
there's Denise, Lynn,

Kristy on New Years' Eve,

and there's Kristy on New Years' morning.

I felt generous.

What's this, Brent?

- Oh that?

That's modern science.

The chicks love it.

- Well Brent you've got it made.

- Yeah, I know.

Well here we are tiger, Purity's house.

You sure you're up for your big moment?

- God bless Mummy, god bless
Daddy, Principal Stuckoff,

and of course Teddy.

Please look over and protect this house,

my lovely wardrobe, and naturally,

my expensive and exquisite jewelry.

- Just remember exactly what I said

and do what I told you to do.

Now Purity's bedroom is
up on the second floor.

- I know, I know.

First window on the left.

- Right, right, on the left.

Now here's a couple of
goodies that never fail.

Old Smokey.

- Old Smokey.

- And a bottle of bubbly.

Take 'em, compliments of the house.

- Well Brent, thanks a lot.

Well, wish me luck?

- You don't need luck.

You've got class.

- And Lord, it's wonderful
that you made me the smartest,

prettiest, most sought after
girl in the whole school.

Amen.

Oh, P.S., I hope you realize it's not

always easy being perfect.

Come on Teddy, time for beddy bye.

- Here's your prune juice, Ward.

- Oh nice.

- Room temperature, just
the way you like it.

Poor baby.

Let's do it tonight.

- Oh shit, she's in heat again.

- It's been two weeks.

- Well not tonight.

I've gotta conserve energy for that big

bowling tournament tomorrow.

- Bowling, bowling, bowling,
can't you think about anything

except putting your finger
in that big, black ball?

- Now June dear, calm down and
tell me what's bothering you.

- Oh Ward,

I'm worried about the beaver.

- Do you wanna go to dinner, Teddy?

But I'm not very hungry.

Okay, if you
pay for it, I'll eat it.

- I don't know, the
guys down at the legion

all are counting on me.

- Ward, honey, I'll
bark like a dog for you.

Ruff!

Ruff.

Meow.

- Oh all right.

I guess you're worth a gutter ball or two.

- Purity.

Purity?

- Oh no Teddy, not now.

Not here in the restaurant.

You should know I always have a headache.

- Purity.

Purity.

- No, no, oh, oh.

- Purity, can I come in?

Oh yes, yes, yes, yes!

Shoot!

- What was that?
- Just ignore it.

I better go check outside.

- Oh Ward.

- Where's my musket?

Maybe those Commie
come to get us.

- I'm not worried about
them coming to get us.

I'm worried about us
getting to come at all.

- Watch out you Russkies here I come.

- Purity's bedroom's on the left.

Right.

No, no, the left.

- Don't move.

I've got a way to make my
honey bun happy tonight.

Meow.

Meow.

Where are you, you?

- Vodka, I knew it.

Those commies, they're
here, right on my porch.

Now I've got you, the only
good rat is a dead rat!

- He missed me by this much.

Was I lucky?

- So did you see her tits?

- Mel, he told me he was
in Mrs. Busch, not Purity.

- Oh did you see her tits?

- Not really.

- Yeah 'cause I told
him to go to the left.

- Yeah and you also told me
you'd be waiting outside.

- Hey guys, can I get
you anything more to eat?

- Oh yeah but it isn't on the menu.

- Oh still hungry for more, huh?

Ooh, new face.

Pretty good looking one at that.

- Watch out, she's hot to trot!

- So Tim, can I give you some more milk?

- No thanks.

- I'll have some more milk, Bootsie.

- Sorry, just went on my break.

- Hey guys, there's a great
show at the drive-in tonight.

The Wild Women of Wango.

Anyone going?

- So Tim, you up for it?

- Yeah, sure.

- Great, see ya at seven.

- Get 'em, tiger.

- Shh.

No talking.

I said no talking!

Attention students,

there'll be a meeting
today for all members

of the Glee Club.

Attention students,

there'll be a meeting today

for all members of the Glee Club.

- Quiet!

Stop it.

This table out!

21, 22, 23,

24, and 25.

Okay
ladies, now for the bust line.

Ready, begin.

We must, we must,
we must develop our bust.

The bigger the better,
the tighter the sweater,

the boys depend on us.

We must, we must--
- What arm?

- One's growing faster than the other.

- You're still growing?
- I hope so.

Come on girls, think big!

We must, we must,
we must develop our bust.

The bigger the better,
the tighter the sweater,

the boys depend on us.

Okay
ladies now for the hips.

T and A, T and A,

T and A.

Up, up, up, up,

up, up--

- I heard you're going
out with my brother.

- Probably, who is he?

- Tim, Tim Stevenson.

- Brown hair, brown eyes,
purple rabbit's foot?

- That's him.
- Cute.

Up, up, up--

- One two, one two, one two, one two,

one two, one two--

- Wham bam thank you ma'am.

Wham bam thank you ma'am.

- I simply refuse to do this exercise.

It's lewd, obscene and nasty.

One two,
one two, one two, one...

- Testing, testing one, two, three.

Purity.

Purity, Purity Busch, please come

to the poolside immediately

to see Principal Stuckoff.

- All right Purity, you're dismissed.

The rest of you, once around the track

and then into the pool.

- Oh no, not today.

- Do we have to run?

It's so hard on the girls.

Okay, make that two laps.

- Mr. Stuckoff?

Mr. Stuckoff?

- Oh my God.

- My fairest angel.

My dream girl.

Listen to the music.

I'd know that nerdy
voice anywhere.

- Oh sure.

- Ravishing and make wild,
passionate love to me.

We're tingling.

You are ready.

Now listen carefully.

- I oughta wait and teach you a lesson.

Follow my lead.

- When you see me, you'll
be wild with passion.

Soon I will be with you.

Do exactly what I say.

Stop!

Purity my angel.

It's me, Howie.

Howie.

Howie.

Howie.

Howie.

Howie.

Howie.

Howie.

Howie.

- Okay ladies, let him have it!

- And finally ladies, this
is our new swimming facility.

As you can see--

- It was only a joke.

- Yeah like the time he
dumped a barrel of frogs

in the girls' bathroom.

I'm gonna get you, you pervert!

- Please have mercy, I'm sorry.

- Sorry?

You ruined my favorite pair of
red panties up the flag pole.

Did you say you're sorry?

- What's happening here?

Girls, come on.

Please, no.

- Somebody save me!

Purity!

Purity!

I'm telling you guys, there
were knockers everywhere.

At least two of them
must have been Purity's.

- Yeah, Howie.

- Well I just lost my glasses
and couldn't see, that's all.

- No way Howie, you
couldn't have seen them.

My sis told me Purity
was in Stuckoff's office

the whole last period.

- Hey, that's a hot
little sister you have.

She's in my second period art class.

I can't wait 'til we start
some advanced figure drawing.

- Listen, friend, watch it.

Nobody messes with Trisha.

- Spare me.

- Sorry.

- Nice shot, Jerkovski.

Hey, look who's here.

- Yeah, she thinks she owns that spot.

She's there every day after school.

Every day?

- Hey guys.

I think I know how to
get a shot of Purity.

But I'll need your help.

- You've got it.

Big guy.

- This picture is disgusting!

- Yeah, right, sex, sex, sex!

Yeah.

- Don't look now, but I
think Paul's masturbating.

- Make him stop.

- I can't, he's using my hand.

- Bye bye.

Hang on a second.

- You all right?
- Mhm.

- This is fun, huh?

- Yeah, right.

- Tim.
- What?

Drunken slut.

You killed the master's wife.

You bitch, I'll teach you!

- Mom, is this movie 3D?

- Yes, dear.

Dirt, dirt, dirt!

- What are all these?

I don't know
it's my father's shirt.

Really I just
gotta meet your father.

- Like father like son.

- Hey Tim.

Wanna play a game?

- Sure.

What?

- You wanna play hide the salami?

- Uh, okay.

- Come on, let's go in back.

All right, yeah.

- They make great balloons.

- Let's get out of here, come on.

- Did you hear that car?

- I didn't hear a thing.

- Real champagne?
- But of course.

Is there any other kind?

- That's gotta be Brent.

Now get out
of those filthy rags.

You, draw water.

Which one do you want?

Wonder if.

- Let me just check.

Oh my god, it's my sister.
- Your sister?

- I'll kill you!

I'll kill you.

You listen, do you Jerkoff?

- Did somebody call me?

- Hey, hey, hey.

- I said nobody touches Trisha.

Calm down, pal, calm down.

- Calm down?

Here's how I'm gonna calm down.

- Hey boobs on your glass.

Calm down.

- That's my sister, that's my sister!

I said nobody touches Trisha!

Wet boobs on your glass.

Let go!

Here lies a very good friend.

May he rest in peace.

You think anyone
will find him here?

Don't worry, I got
this whole thing planned out.

Besides, on Mission Impossible.

- This is the dumbest idea ever.

- Hey I saw that episode.

They didn't get that guy out for a month.

- We'll get you out.

- How is he gonna see
Purity's boobs from underneath

all that sand, let alone breathe?

- He will.

With this.

I rigged it up last night after the show.

I call it my super duper grooby snooper.

- Principal Stuckoff's office.

- Hello Miss Shivers.
- Yes?

- Yes this is Mrs. Garpazky.

Ethel.

You know Melvin's mother.

Yes, yes, yes, I'm afraid
my boy has come down

with a terrible case of food poisoning.

- Oh my.

- Oh yes, still flat on his back.

Yes, yes.

Yes well I'm afraid he won't be able to

attend classes today.

No and please please tell
dear Mr. Stuckoff that

detention is simply out of the question.

Yes, toodle-loo, bye.

There, that should do it.

- This calls for the Van
Dusen finishing touch.

Voila!

- Here is a prime example of
the amphibian family, the frog.

Notice the skin, it's thin and moist,

and attached loosely to the
body only at certain points.

Brent, would you care to
examine these more closely?

- Now, are you sure?

- Class, the rest of you may go to lunch.

Brent, you've been slacking off lately.

I think perhaps you
should stay after class.

You need a little extra attention.

You know, I think you've
needed this kind of

private lesson for a long time.

Hey, this looks
like a great place to play.

- I want you to touch,

feel, and fully experience
the essence of biology.

- Look, Mrs. Bellum.

- Don't be so formal.

Call me Sarah.

- Like a dream.

Now I know I'm dreaming.

- Mind lighting my fire, Brent?

- Your fire?

- Yes, the bunsen burner.

Nevermind.
- Bunsen burner.

- I'll take care of it.

- Oh shit.

Cut it out, you mangy mutt.

You'll spoil everything.

- Oh shit.

- There now.

Makes it much more romantic this way.

Don't you think so?

My favorite.

Formaldehyde.

This makes me crazy.

- You're so hot.

- I'm burning, I'm burning for you.

- I can't believe how hot you are.

Hello.

♪ Sha la la la la ♪

♪ Sha la la la la la ♪

♪ Let it me my angel baby ♪

♪ She's gone into ♪

♪ I hope she's out there somewhere ♪

♪ Knock knock, who's there ♪

♪ Let it be my baby tonight ♪

♪ I'm just living in a heartache ♪

- Oh shit.

Come in.

- Hey Vince, hi guys.

- Aw come on, give us a break.

- Hold your hands.

- Get anything new in?

Got a brand new
from Tijuana, check them out!

- Excuse me, does this come in a junior?

- Sorry pal, had a rush
on 'em just this morning.

- So what's this?

- Hardware.

On sale this week for only
$9.95 and it's safety tested,

approved for your convenience.

Take it home for 10 days.

Put a little mileage on it.

Now come back and tell me that wasn't the

best damn time she ever had.

Excuse me, how much is this?

- Buck an inch.

Hey, chubby, pick them
out and bring them out.

Guy thinks it's a London library.

Take it from me kid,
Vince the prince of porn,

you need cream, I'm talking
about G-string special

erotic cream and extra strings.

Spanish fly, a little extra, superb bulge.

- Excuse me sir, do these
come with a guarantee?

- Fuck off, will ya?

- Who was that masked man anyways?

- Vince, do you think
you need a stock boy?

- There Vinny, this oughta
take care of everything.

- Come again.

Can't come, breathe heavy, a lot of fun.

Thank you.

Come on, Melvy.

- And there we have it,
ladies and gentlemen.

The school can be very proud
of this latest addition.

Our very own airplane repair shop.

And now, before we take off
and celebrate,

I want to particularly thank Mrs. Roach's

home economics class for
providing the delightful punch,

cookies, and finger sandwiches.

- Hey, here's one with the bread.

- Moron.

- So without further ado,
let the festivities begin.

- Okay it's my turn to
take a shot at Purity.

Just remember to keep her busy
when I juice up the punch.

- Got you covered, Brent.

Hold onto that Emily.

- Hello, Purity.

May I have the honor of
getting you a glass of punch?

- Well.

- It's my privilege.

- Okay.

- Oh, Purity.

What song are you gonna sing
at the homecoming dance?

Our national anthem, Rick.

- Really?

How interesting, it's always
been one of my favorites.

- Kidding me.

Oh, sorry.

- Oh my God, the T and A orgy.

♪ This heart's on fire ♪

♪ Out of control ♪

♪ This heart's on fire down below ♪

- Here's to you, Purity.

Bottom's up.

- I'll drink to that.

♪ Hearts on fire tonight ♪

Cheers!

- So, about last night.

How are they?

- They'll live.

I'll never play the piano again.

- Two, three, four.

♪ And it feels real good ♪

- Oh I didn't know you were here.

T and A.

T and A.

T and A.

T and A.

- Purity, please.

Just try one sip.

- Oh please Brent, I
hate it when guys beg.

- Far out, that makes 10 to nine.

- I don't know how you do it.

- The girls here, we're a team.

Okay everybody, time to go home.

I hate to do this but I gotta lock up.

- You won, Merna, you got 235, again.

- What was my score?
- 40.

Then you always get 40.

Gutterball queen.

- Hey hey hey.

- All right, you're still open,

we'll take five lanes, Merna.

- Out, guys.

- What, you afraid to take us on?

- You mean boys against girls?

- Yeah.
- Yeah I'm up for that.

- That's old business.

- Not for me.

- Well I got a little something to make it

a little more interesting.

- Uh-oh.

- How about a game of strip bowling?

Strip bowling?

♪ Shake that thing, shake, shake ♪

♪ Shake that thing, shake, shake ♪

♪ When you shake that
thing, shake, shake ♪

♪ Take it baby, shake it all night long ♪

♪ Babe I reach your head down to my toes ♪

♪ Just follow where my baby goes ♪

♪ I say shake that thing, shake, shake ♪

♪ Shake that thing, shake, shake ♪

♪ When you shake that
thing, shake, shake ♪

♪ Shake it all night long ♪

♪ I said shake that thing, shake, hsake ♪

♪ Shake that thing, shake, shake ♪

♪ Those bells do ring, shake, shake ♪

♪ When you shake that
thing, shake, shake ♪

♪ Shake it all night long, yeah ♪

♪ Shake that thing, shake, shake ♪

♪ Shake that thing, shake, shake ♪

♪ Those bells do ring ♪

♪ When you shake that
thing, shake, shake ♪

♪ Shake it all night long ♪

♪ I said shake that thing, shake, shake ♪

- It's stuck!

It's stuck!

I can't get it out!

Will you guys help?

- Brent, hold the rear, Mel
and I have got the front.

Okay?
- Tear that sucker off.

- Okay pull.

- You're pulling on the wrong ball!

- I know, I'll whack it off.
- No!

- I have a hack saw out in the car.

- No!

- Hey guys, this always works.

- No!

- We've got a better idea.

Come on, girls.

- Howie.
- Howie.

- Howie.

Howie.

Howie.

Howie.

Howie.

Howie.

- Gee girls.

Thanks.

My first strike.

- Top of the morning, girlies!

I am Miss Svodclaire, your
substitute teacher for today.

Oh my, my, my, my, my, my.

My, just love clothes, don't you?

- My God.

- Oh, I'm sure this
morning's class will be

absolutely delightfuL.

Oh, Miss Roach is sorry
she couldn't make it,

but it seems she's sort
of tied up.

Now girls it's time to
get you all measured up

for your final fittings, we
want your homecoming formals

to fit you just, we want
to fit you just right.

So line up girlies and
we'll size you up.

- Should we take off our tops?

Yes, yes, yes!

Yes I have to say yes.

Please take off your tops.

Hurry.

Please, please.

Line up class.

Quickly girls, very nice.

Mm, very nice bra.

10, very nice, thank you.

Oh yes, a 36.

Pretty, pretty, pretty.

Next.

Hm, very nice.

Do do do do do.

Next!

Oh my.

- Sorry Miss Svodclaire, but
I'm not wearing a bra today.

- So I see, you naughty little girl.

Please.

- Not wearing a bra?

Left it at the drive-in perhaps?

- Now girls let's not be catty.

We have a lot of work to do today, yes?

- I think I know these hands.
- Shut up.

- You're next, Purity.

- Fuck a duck, it's Roach.

Hey!

Thank you, thank you.

- If you wanna follow her career,

she'll be up at my place a little later.

Seriously, folks.

I don't wanna say this
next girl is really built,

but the first time i removed her bra,

I found a family of
pygmies living in there.

- Ah get off the stage!

- Yeah, bring on the tits!

- Well actually most girls like
to bring them on themselves

so without further delay, Buck
Flamingo is proud to present

the girl voted most likely to
put an end to world hunger,

Miss Anatomical.

Oh I can't believe.

She's breaking the laws
of gravity.

- Breaking my ass, that bra
is making everything go up.

- Fan-fucking-tastic.

- Unbe-fucking-lievable.

- Get up there, Tim, she's your kinda gal.

- She looks like everybody's kinda gal.

- Yeah, all at once.

- Your big night, buddy boy.

- Hey baby, why don't you
bring those over here?

I want them to meet a friend of mine.

His name's Abe Lincoln.

- She's coming, what should I do?

Give her the money.

Five dollars.

Take it.

Please?

Where's she going?

Maybe we should have given her a 20.

Stuckoff!

- Check it out.

Look at that.
- Can you believe it?

- I think we're witnessing
history in the making.

- That's the principal.

- We better record this for posterity.

Let's get a shot.

- Take that picture.

You got it, our passport to freedom.

No more detention, we're gonna hold this

over Stuckoff's head.

- Isn't that blackmail?
- Yeah.

- Hey Jerkovski, just think.

You won't have to freeze
your ass off anymore.

You can choke the chicken right in

Stuckoff's private office.

- Never thought of that.

- Here's your breakfast, guys.

- Uh Rhonda, I didn't order
any sausage, only eggs.

- Well there's no problem.

We can fix that.

- That's incredible!

- Will you marry me?

- Oh drag, if it isn't Miss Purity Busch

joining us for breakfast.

- Homecoming special, please.

♪ Knock knock, who's there ♪

- I just lost my appetite.

- Here you go.

- Hey, hey look, she ordered sausage.

- You think she can do that too?

- Rhonda did it.

Bootsie sure as hell can do it.

- Don't you think Purity's gonna do it?

- Pipe down, she's going for it.

- Here goes.

- That does it.

We can't let this go on.

- Well what can we do,
we haven't been able

to get her so far.

- All right all right
Howie and I got an idea

and this time this will,

Bootsie, Rhonda, come over here.

Now listen, this is our
final chance, right?

And there's only one
thing we haven't tried.

- What's that?

- Magnetism.

♪ I was born to bop, I was born to bop ♪

♪ And I'm sure to shake it down ♪

♪ I was born to bop,
bop that beat around ♪

♪ Yeah I was born to bop
and I'll never stop ♪

♪ I got both feet on the ground ♪

♪ I was born to bop, I'll
bop that beat around ♪

♪ You think he's got rhythm ♪

♪ Next man got the blues ♪

♪ Get your cactus, Kenny ♪

♪ I'll grab my rocking shoes ♪

♪ I was born to bop, I was born to bop ♪

♪ And I'm sure they do shake it down ♪

♪ I was born to bop,
bop that beat around ♪

♪ I was born to bop and I'll never stop ♪

♪ I got both feet on the ground ♪

♪ I was born to bop,
bop that beat around ♪

♪ I was born to bop, I was born to bop ♪

♪ And I'm sure they do shake it down ♪

♪ I was born to bop,
bop that beat around ♪

♪ Yes I was born to bop
and I'll never stop ♪

♪ I got both feet on the ground ♪

♪ I was born to bop,
bop that beat around ♪

♪ I was born, born, born to bop ♪

♪ I was born, born, born to bop ♪

♪ Born, born, born to bop ♪

♪ Born, born, born to bop ♪

♪ Born to bop, bop that beat around ♪

- I hope you realize I
gave up my Friday night

cruising for this.

- Don't worry, we're in
for quite a memorable show.

- Memory deserves to be recorded.

- Jeepers creepers it's the Roach coach.

It's
all right, it's okay,

we do better than T and A.

BS, BS, rah rah rah rah rah.

Yay team!

T and A is proud to say

that T and A goes all the way!

- The thing, the thing, one, two, three.

Is this thing on?

Is this thing working?

- How's it going down there?

Is everything all set?

- Ready when you are.

- Good evening and welcome to
our annual homecoming game.

Before we start, I'm
sure that each one of you

would like to join with
me in thanking Mrs. Roach.

Who despite a recent
mishap has made this event

the biggest and best ever.

- Bigger than you think, Stuckoff.

- And now it is my
pleasure to present to you

this year's homecoming
queen, Miss Purity Busch,

who will honor us by
singing our national anthem.

- Thanks so much, Principal Stuckoff.

And to all you students
and teachers who have made

my four years at Taft and
Adams the best time in my life.

Tonight I would like to perform for you

in order to show my gratitude.

- I'd like to see your gratitude.

- And now will you all please rise.

- God I hope Jerkovski doesn't
take that the wrong way.

♪ Oh say can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's early light ♪

♪ What so proudly we hailed ♪

♪ At the twilight's last gleaming ♪

♪ And the rocket's red glare ♪

♪ The bombs bursting in air ♪

♪ Gave proof through the night ♪

♪ That our flag was still there ♪

♪ Oh say does that star
spangled banner yet wave ♪

♪ O'er the land of the free ♪

♪ And the home of the brave ♪