Scooter (2019) - full transcript
Three YouTubers set out on an 866 mile adventure on scooters. However, they find out that it's not the destination that will kill you, it's the journey.
- All right ladies and gentlemen,
we have come to the question
and answer portion of our program.
Today's first question is from Bill from The Springs,
and he asks, "Where do you come up with the stupid
"ideas for your show?"
All right.
- That's an easy one.
We're just full of stupid ideas.
- Very true. - It's very true,
but we thank you anyways for watching our stupid show.
- Vehicles to the starting line.
On your marks,
get set,
go!
Are you kidding me?
- Vehicles to the starting line.
On your marks,
get set,
go!
- Yeah! - Oh, this time I got it.
- Practice technique! - This time I got it.
Woo!
Woo!
- Taste my lightening, brothers!
Uh, thank you.
Our next question is from Sarah in Greensboro,
and she wants to know, "Is Juan single?"
- Ooh.
I guess I'll field this one, guys.
Yes, Sarah from Greensboro and other ladies, I am single.
- Yeah, there's a reason for that.
- Yeah, Sarah, I don't know you,
but I do know that you can do much better than Juan.
Asshole.
Yeah.
Let's go.
- Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
to episode 23 of The Three Amigoes,
where you goes where we goes.
Now, we have a very special episode planned for you today
and of course, it all begins with our challenge.
So let's get into it and find out
what we're gonna be doing.
That shake did not do anything.
We need to get like smaller cards
or like a giant fishbowl for next time.
- Somethin'.
- Just a note for everyone at home.
All right, today's challenge.
Ooh.
Man.
Man, this is a big one.
- How big?
- Can we just read it?
- Yeah, today's big challenge is we will be driving
to New Orleans.
- Oh, that's not too bad.
- Mm.
On scooters.
- On what?
- Scooters.
All right, the challenge is you must drive
866 miles from Miami to New Orleans on scooters
with engines not to exceed 50 cc in size.
Oh man.
Which one of you assholes came up with this idea?
- It wasn't me.
That sounds like torture.
50 cc?
Are you kidding me?
- Come on guys, I just,
I wanted to change the pace.
We always do everything so hard and fast.
Why not do something slow?
Leisurely?
- Oh what, for 866 miles?
You're crazy.
- I wanna go to Mardi Gras.
- Dude, Mardi Gras happens once a year.
- No, no, no, no, no. - What?
- Oh my gosh.
- I understand, you wanted to make a challenge,
so let's make it a challenge,
and I'm imposing a $1,000 limit.
- Okay, that's not that bad.
I can find a nice ride for a thousand bucks.
- No, no, no, no, no, not just ride.
I'm talking everything, total.
So that's ride, but it's also food
and gas and parts, everything.
- Yeah, okay, that's cool.
- Yeah.
- That doesn't sound leisurely at all.
- No, no, no, no, it's not supposed to be leisurely.
It's supposed to be a challenge,
and it's supposed to be super fun.
Yeah? - Yeah, I agree.
- Okay, we all agree.
You agree?
Well you better fuckin' agree, this was your idea
and your challenge. - Okay fine, agreed.
- There we go.
Three agrees, so let's go, let's go pick out our hogs.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We can't call 'em hogs, bro.
- Why would I not call 'em hogs?
- Because they're not, they're bitch mobiles.
- Agreed. - Thank you.
- Yeah, all right, so let's just go
and pick out our bitch mobiles.
These are pretty small, dude.
What's the top speed on one of these
freakin' hellcats anyways?
About 70.
I know that is not in miles per hour.
Mm, kilometers.
You know what that is in miles per hours?
About 43.
- Oof.
Well, it's gonna be a very slow ride then.
But you know what?
We're gonna make it work with this bad boy right here.
- You know, I've never been on a scooter, but,
this won't be a problem.
This is scary as shit, I am not gonna lie.
There's no doors, there's no roof.
I'm a ride things with a roof kind of guy.
I'm not gonna lie, the seats are pretty comfy.
- Those two other guys, they went corporate.
Me?
I decided to go local.
This beauty right here?
Only cost me $500.
Oh, it's about to start raining.
I'll see you guys out there.
- So this is our gear.
Everywhere, this is the gear that
we're gonna be bringing on the trip.
We just wanna make sure that everybody at home knows
how our show is made.
- It's also good for us because we can see
if anything's missing at the end of a shoot.
- Yep, no doubt.
We go through a shit ton of action cams.
We should probably own stock. - Yeah, that is very true.
Yeah, so, yeah, like I said, this is the gear.
That's it here.
So let's go and get packed.
All right, so as you can see, my whole approach to this
will be to pack very lightly, very aerodynamic,
and as such, I'll be packing only one pair of my underwear.
Now I know what you're thinking, hey, that's gross.
But here's the solution.
This is called Dr. Bronner's soap.
I'll be using this to wash out my balls
as well as my my hair, keeping it silky and smooth,
and in a pinch, will be a disgusting toothpaste.
And now, as you can tell, I'm halfway done.
As soon as the backpack is zipped, good to go.
- These guys are always worried about the wrong thing.
I got clothes and shit, but this is the thing.
I'm bringin' El Cuchillo.
This is gonna do a lot more than a pair of socks.
- I'm taking a different approach with this trip.
I'm not even gonna worry about it.
Usually I try and pack for this scenario
or that scenario, but this time,
I'm just bringing some clothes, my headphones, and myself.
You know, at the end of the day,
you can pack as much as you want.
It really won't help.
- What's that?
- That is our tent.
- Oh no, we're not doing this again, bro.
- Oh yes, we are.
- Not it.
- No, no, no, no, no.
We don't do no's goes here.
I'm sure all of you know that when we decide things,
we decide it the Three Amigoes way
and that's why we go to the straws of justice.
Okay.
So ladies, you know how this works.
Take your pick.
- I'll go first.
- Fuck it.
- Ready to reveal?
One, two, three.
- God, this is bullshit.
- Yeah, it's bullshit, but it's your bullshit now, man.
You're taking the tent.
Is that it?
Everything's good, man.
We got everything done here.
We have our rides, everything's packed,
so there's only one thing to do now.
Let's hit the road.
- Yo, this aint so bad.
- Yeah.
Only 865 more miles to go.
Fuck you.
Get off the road.
- Okay.
So, here's what I'm thinking.
That was a very poor start to our challenge,
but we'll be fine.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- I'm saying we just need to get used
to riding on the highways.
- Dude, we almost died.
- We didn't though, we survived.
Ma'am, this is delicious coffee, by the way.
Oh, good.
Dude, it was rough out there.
Do you want some more coffee?
- Yes, please.
You guys want more coffee? - No, I'm fine, thank you.
No, I'm good, thank you.
- All right then. - Thank you.
You're missing out on very good coffee.
- Okay, fuck the coffee.
We're staying off the highway.
- Dude, the coffee's okay.
- Yeah, don't fuck the coffee and we're not
staying off the highway.
You now how long it's gonna take to get
to New Orleans from Miami if we don't take the highway?
- Um, no, I don't.
Do you? - I do.
It's gonna take a lot longer.
- Oh, is that your scientific answer?
- It doesn't have to be a scientific...
It's an obvious answer.
The highways move faster, the minimum speed limit's
40 miles per hour.
We do 40, plus three.
- Okay, um, we're taking the back roads.
- Yeah, you know what?
Back roads.
And that's two, by the way. - Thank you.
- I understand that that's two,
but you're thinking illogically.
You just wanna use the drone.
- Damn straight I wanna use the drone.
That way we can set up in the sticks,
get some nice beauty shots.
- I wanna make it clear that I believe
that this is a mistake and I will not agree
with either of you but I will respect the vote,
as I always do, and uh, we will find ourselves
in New Orleans in a year.
Yo, we've been on the road a while.
Do you guys wanna take a break?
- Yeah, you know, we should do something fun.
Yeah, we can get some food.
- Oh guys.
Guys.
There's a mermaid show nearby.
- That's perfect. - Oh?
- Sounds good, sounds great.
- Ready?
Paul.
There's mermaids here.
You know, for those of you who don't know,
it is a well established thing I would call,
that Paul here has a deep seated fetish for mermaids.
- Come on, that's not true.
Look, I said the Little Mermaid was hot.
Which she is, okay?
- Trust me, it's a thing.
- It's not a thing.
- Oh my god, Paul, would you look at
the fins on this one? - Wait, where?
It is a thing.
- Fuck the both of you.
- Excuse me.
Um, my friend was too shy to ask,
but do you have like any lotion available?
- No.
- Mm, do you have any like, tissues or anything?
- Okay, everybody follow me.
We're gonna right through there.
- I'm so sorry.
It looks like you're gonna have to
clean up your own boys, man. - Shut up.
Get your hands off me, man.
Geez.
- You know, you're aware that mermaids are not real, right?
- Yeah, I'm well aware, thank you.
- Yeah.
But Paul, look, we're here.
God, I can't stand you guys.
- Thank you.
Actually, can you help us?
We have an expert here, on mermaids.
I'm sorry for touching you
and I apologize everybody for ruining your day for a second.
Will's a weirdo.
- But Paul has a sensual attraction to mermaids,
but he also believes that they're real.
I just want you to confirm, are they?
- Of course they are 'cause we're
at the mermaid show. - Thank you so much.
- You heard it here first on the Three Amigoes,
mermaids confirmed real.
- Yeah, they're real. - Well, just,
we'd like to thank our expert. - All right.
Well welcome to the Journey Under the Sea.
- You know, that wasn't so bad.
- Eh, I've seen better.
- You know what though?
I actually wanna formally apologize to Paul
because that was actually the hottest mermaid
I've ever seen in my life.
- All right, well, it's over.
Can you just stop it now?
- No, no, no, I'm being serious.
That was like, I don't know, it was like
the mystery of it, like, what's under those shells?
Are they like real boobs?
Are they fish boobs?
Are they-- - I think those are foobs.
We can call 'em foobies.
- Actually, I'm gonna go run to the restroom real quick.
Dude, the bathrooms are in the front.
No, no, there's other bathrooms.
- No, no, just let him go, bro.
Let him go. - Go ahead, though.
- I'm so tired of him talking, bro.
All he does is talk.
He doesn't stop. - I know, I know.
But you know, he's just having fun.
- Yeah, having fun bullying me.
- Listen, man, it's not his fault that you've
got a thing for scales.
- Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, it's over.
Drop it, please.
God. - We came here just for you.
I thought you would like it.
Oh, I love it.
- You know, we could just leave him.
- Oh, listen.
This is riveting entertainment.
You tuned in for a dramatic expedition
through the deep south, and instead, you get--
- Will Arbana, taking a piss.
- Will Arbana taking a piss.
Ugh, god, stay tuned to see what happens next.
- No, no, no, no.
Better yet, come back after the break
and watch us go with the flow.
- Hey Will Arbana.
Someone must've ate asparagus.
- Ugh, you know, he may not be completely full of shit,
but he is a total-- - Yo.
Yo, yo.
- What?
- Do you hear that?
- What?
- Dude.
It sounds like someone fucking.
- No, what?
- No, bro, I'm serious, I hear it.
What the?
Yo!
Are you serious?
- What the fuck are you doing?
Turn off the camera. - Bro.
Come on bro.
Dude, turn that fucking camera off.
- Bro, look at you.
- She was a fan, dude, what the fuck are you doing?
- You knew it was my fetish, man.
- She's a real person, she's not a real fucking mermaid.
Turn the camera off. - This is fucking bullshit.
- Dude, we're fetish brothers now, we're mermaid brothers.
- Don't touch me.
I'm out of here.
- What the fuck, man?
Turn the camera off. - Oh man, no, come on.
That was bullshit.
I can't believe you did that.
Hey Romeo, Romeo.
Put your flipper away.
Come on, the fin?
Was it scaly?
Oh my god, shut the fuck up man.
Hey, she was hot, she was hot, bro.
- Paul!
Fuck man, come on.
Don't fucking leave, this is not serious.
Fuck you, man.
It's not funny, dude.
It's not fucking funny.
Oh, there he goes.
- God fucking dammit.
Now I'm gonna go have to get after Paul.
Oh what?
What about me? - I don't care.
I'll call you, just find us.
Stop right there, stop right there.
- Oh shit, oh shit, uh.
Hey, I gotta go.
- Dude, please, just, it was not that big of deal.
- And see, that's where you're wrong.
- Fine, what do you want me to say?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Like, can we just move past it
and enjoy making the rest of the trip?
For the love of god, can you believe this?
- I don't know man, it was pretty cold blooded.
- Are you recording on everything right now?
- Of course, dude.
This is perfect for the behind the scenes shit.
- Well hey, for the record, then,
I think Will is a piece of flaming shit
on a taint flavored kebab.
- Ooh. - Whatever, dude.
We're still mermaid brothers.
- We're not mermaid brothers.
That's not a thing.
- Oh, it's a thing.
And if it wasn't, it is now, 'cause it's pretty funny.
Come on.
- Paul, would it make you feel better if we spoon tonight?
- You fucked a mermaid, you get the floor.
- I will accept my punishment honorably.
Just give me like five minutes, okay?
This sucks.
So I have accepted my punishment honorably,
but now they have to accept a little bit of retribution.
So, the Bunnell scooters are 20 minutes late
for waking up.
I have decided to help them.
The first step was a little bit of duct tape.
Yes.
Second step is, you know,
a little bit of motivation.
Third step is to enjoy.
- Oh. - Dude, what the fuck?
Come on! - Asshole!
- Yeah.
I'm an asshole, I'll take it.
That was amazing.
You guys are perfect.
Let's go.
All right.
- Man.
I can still taste that tape.
- Yeah, I'm actually kind of disappointed in it.
I thought it was gonna be like a lot stickier and sturdier.
Mm.
Ready boys?
- Yep. - Oh, I'm ready.
You good?
- Hey. - Is yours not starting?
- Yeah, that's not good, bro. - You all right?
It's gonna start, it just needs
a little bit of love, give me a second here.
Fuck.
Woo.
What did I tell you boys?
- All right. - You're lucky.
- Oh.
Damn, man.
I wish there was a restaurant here.
Yeah, this place does leave
something to be desired.
- I mean what is it? - You guys are so uptight.
Just grab something and let's go.
- Ugh.
I can feel myself getting fat already.
Yeah.
You know, I had an uncle, he used to eat
nothing but this stuff.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
He died at 34.
- Damn.
Eating this kind of stuff?
No, car accident.
You're fucking crazy, bro.
Ooh.
- Yo. - Yo, what's up?
- That's all you got?
Yeah, kinda.
What does that mean?
- It's all I paid for. - What?
- The rest of this I got on the Tres Amigoes
five finger put it in your pocket discount.
- That's fucked up, man. - That is not cool.
- Dude, you trying to get us in trouble, bro?
- No, what's fucked up is that they're charging
us ridiculous prices for snacks, man.
How much were your chips? - I don't remember.
- Doesn't remember.
It was two minutes ago.
- You know, you might as well just tell him
how much it was, he's not gonna let up.
- I paid $2.49 for some chips, okay?
My drink was three dollars.
- Three dollars.
$2.49.
That's $5.49 for two items.
They're robbing us first.
I'm just tipping the scales of justice in our favor.
I'm Robin Hood.
- Bro, karma's gonna fuck you in the ass
if you don't put that shit back, bro.
Dude, I don't know man.
Those prices were pretty steep.
- That's right.
Karma's gonna fuck me?
Karma's gonna fuck them.
They're charging us drug prices for convenience store food.
Man, I spend less money at an airport.
- Juan, can we please take a vote?
Okay.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I agree with Will.
- Fuck. - Thank you, thank you.
- Let's just get out of here, man.
- Yeah, I agree, let's go.
You guys ready? - No, what was your vote?
- What's the point, you got two votes man.
- No, but I wanna know what your vote was.
- Look, just forget about it, all right?
I wanna leave before the owner gets a hard one on
and calls the cops. - See, he wants to go.
That's why we're mermaid brothers.
- Don't fuckin' touch me, all right?
I'm not your fucking mermaid brother.
- I think you made him mad. - Yeah, just a little bit.
Yo.
Yo!
Juan's way back there.
It's dead? - It's dead.
- Oh, are you sure?
- Yeah, man, I checked everything.
The spark plugs, the battery, gas.
I don't know what it could be.
- Well now what?
- We just gotta keep movin'.
- Nah man, I'm good. - Why?
- Just not with me. - Wow man, thanks.
- Look bro, it's not you. - No, yeah I get it.
I get it.
- Oh you want me to take him.
- I mean, you did fuck a mermaid, so.
- You know what?
He's absolutely right, I did fuck a mermaid,
so I'll take him under one condition:
you have to finally admit that we're mermaid brothers.
- Are you serious?
That's the deal, dude.
- Do I get a say in this?
- No. - No.
Let's hear it.
- Okay, yeah, fine.
We can be mermaid brothers. - Yeah.
See, that wasn't so hard, was it, mermaid brotha?
- Is that the only knife you got?
- Yeah.
- No.
Check this out.
You've gotta try this one.
- Oh wow, dude, what?
A machete?
- Hey, I'm telling you, you gotta be careful with it though.
That thing could cut straight through flesh.
- No, actually, don't be careful man.
We're pretty far from a hospital
or a doctor or anything for that matter.
- Ha.
Hilarious.
- You know what?
All I'm doing is looking forward to getting
a good night sleep.
- Yeah, I'm looking forward to finally
spooning with my mermaid brother here.
- Ooh, you know what, can I be an honorary mermaid brother?
- I mean, there's one question: do you like mermaids?
- Not really. - Okay, guys--
- But I do like seafood. - Can we not, bro?
Can we put this shit to bed now?
- Nah, it's a thing, dude.
He's a mermaid brother now.
- We're not making this a thing.
Wait.
Dude, what the fuck? - What?
- What?
- Where's the rest of the food?
Is that all we have to eat?
- It's all the stuff that I was supposed to bring.
You guys brought the hot dogs.
- No, no.
You were supposed to bring the hot dogs.
- Yeah bro, that was all you.
- No, it wasn't.
I brought this.
You guys were supposed to bring the hot dogs.
Oh shit, no.
Yeah, that was my bad, sorry.
Uh, I'll just, I'll run to a store?
There's probably one open.
- Yeah, there's one about 11 miles that way.
- Um.
All right then.
I'll do what humans do for thousands of years.
I will hunt us some food. - Oh, gosh.
Dude, he's gonna get himself fucking killed.
- No, you know what?
He's got that weird, goofy look.
Trust me, he'll find a way to get us killed.
- Look, don't say that.
He could actually do it, bro.
- Yeah, I know.
- All right guys.
This is happening.
I am crafting a homo sapien spear like our ancestors.
Oh yeah, I can just taste the food now.
- Why don't you just sharpen the stick?
- Because this is going to work better.
Okay.
Watch.
You guys are gonna have the best meal
you've ever had in your life.
Okay.
- Bet on it. - You know what?
I'll take that bet, 20 bucks. - Yeah, I'll match him.
20 bucks. - Yeah, fine.
20 bucks to each of you if I don't come back
with the most delicious raccoon or squirrel you ever had.
- When?
- I'm going right now.
- No, when you don't come back.
- Oh, hilarious guy, shots fired.
- I mean seriously, who brings carrots on a camping trip?
- Yeah, this is not tasty.
- Oh.
Now it's time for an exclusive camping tip.
- Yeah, 'cause we are professionals.
- When camping in the woods, although it may seem
like a good idea, never let Will
be in charge of the food.
- No.
Put him in charge of something less important.
Like planning your trip,
purchasing your transportation,
or fucking your mermaid.
Okay, sorry.
Last time.
- So I have been hunting with my spear
for about too long now.
It's starting to get dark and I have exactly
zero raccoon and squirrel to show for it.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
I have to show this to the boys.
Got any fours?
- Go fish. - Fuck.
In honor of our buddy getting some fish tail,
we're playing cards. - Go Fish.
Yo.
You guys gotta see this.
- Dude, where's the food? - No fuck the food man.
- Wait, there's no steak? - There's no steak.
This is better, just grab all the equipment,
get long lines and just follow me, okay?
- Will, this better be worth it.
Oh, what, I'ma scare the food away?
Dude, I don't think he understands
how hunting works. - Psh, clearly.
- What?
Is that what I think it is?
Oh that is a beautiful sight.
Oh shit, dude, I can hear them all
the way from over here.
They started like five minutes ago
and he's been fucking her like crazy.
Oh, shoot, does she want it?
Well I mean, she's not running away.
I mean, that looks like angry sex though.
This is super hot, though.
- Oh, fuck. - Oh, shit.
Oh shit.
Dude, dude, he's watching me.
Dude he's looking at us, he's looking at us.
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Just fucking go!
Oh, fuck.
Oh fuck man.
Yo, we need to get the fuck out of here, now.
- Yeah, well how the fuck do you wanna do that?
- Uh, we ride out?
- Ride out?
That's three guys and two scooters, man.
The top speed in 43 miles per hour.
- Fuck man, you got a better fucking idea?
- Yeah, we wait it out.
- Oh, huddled in our two person tent?
We can't get away on scooters.
- Well, there's not another campsite close by,
so we have to do something.
- Yeah, okay, fine then we split up.
- Dude, split up?
How does that work, Will?
- I don't fucking know yet, all right?
We find spots in the woods, all right?
We sleep there, just away from the campsite.
- Guys, we gotta move.
- All right.
I'll set up the Go Pro, all right,
facing the tent overnight and that way
if something happens, we'll know about it, okay?
- Okay. - All right, and then
in the meantime, we just find spots away from the campsite.
We sleep in the woods and we wait it out.
- Okay, how will we know when it's safe to come out?
- We'll meet up in front of that tree
in the clearing, all right, in the morning.
- Fuck.
And what if he's there?
- He's not gonna be there.
Okay, he's not gonna go back to where the murder was.
That's true.
- Okay.
Okay, fine, fine.
- Okay, okay.
- Okay.
Eight am, okay?
In front of the tree in the clearing.
- Crap.
All right.
This is perfect.
- I'm doing this Vietnam style.
- I'm not taking any chances.
That crazy cracker killer comes my way?
I'm dark as night.
Nothing to see here.
All right, I'm out.
See you guys in the morning.
- It's like 2:30 a.m. right now.
The guy's probably long gone, it's been really quiet.
Still, you know, I wanna just get the hell out of here
as soon as possible come morning.
I just--
Yeah, this is probably the worst night of my life.
Yo. - Oh shit.
What are you doing?
- Nothing, just looking at how amazing it is.
Did you go to the camp site?
- Fuck no.
- Dude, I barely slept last night.
- Really?
I slept like a baby.
Must've been a cat in another life.
- Yeah, good for you.
You see Paul?
No, have you?
No, it's past eight o'clock.
- Yeah.
- Well.
You slept by him?
- No, I thought he slept by you.
- No.
Oh shit. - No, you don't think?
- I don't know what to think.
Last night was so fucking crazy, man,
I thought I heard someone getting dragged.
Dragged?
Yeah, yeah, I mean, like, it just sounded like it.
Well was it Paul?
- I mean, what, did it sound like Paul?
- Yeah?
Was he bitching, complaining?
- No, it was just like, it was like, you know, like a,
like, it sounded like someone getting dragged, I don't know.
- Oh, okay, all right.
We gotta find him, man.
Well should we split up?
- No, no, no, we should stay together.
- All right, let's go. - Yeah.
It's right through here.
What do you think happened to Paul?
- I don't know man, there weren't like
gunshots or anything last night,
so he's probably fine.
What was that?
I think it was over there.
- What?
It's nothing.
- Okay.
Oh shit, wait, wait, wait, it's Paul.
Paul. - Paul?
- Paul? - Paul?
- Fuck. - What are you doing?
- I don't know, I wanna see if he's all right.
Paul?
Paul?
Paul?
Oh shit, come on!
Jesus.
Not fucking cool man.
You were late.
It was supposed to be eight o'clock.
- I was sleeping, I'm sorry.
Well good for you, I did not sleep.
- All right look, man, let's just get back to camp.
All right?
Whatever man, let's just get our shit and get out of here.
Have you guys seen my knife?
No, I haven't seen it.
I'll look by the tent. - Fuck.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Guys, come here, just-- - What?
- Come here, look.
What is it?
- Right here.
You see?
- What?
The fucking flap?
- See?
- No man, I don't see anything.
- That's the fucking breeze, man.
- No, it's not the breeze.
There was no breeze last night.
- Okay, well, you wanna go fuckin' look at it?
Why not?
- Okay, everyone together and it'll be fine.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait.
What if there's, like, something in there?
- Dude, relax bro. - There's nothing in there.
Okay?
- All right, well, one of us has to open it then, yeah?
- Well you're the fucking one who brought
us to the woods.
You fucking open it man.
- Yeah, fair enough.
Fuck.
Oh fuck, come on, man.
- Oh my god.
Oh my god, oh my god. - Shit, oh shit.
Dude, that's the girl.
That's the girl that he fucking killed.
- I know, dude, he fucking cut her.
Shit.
That's my knife.
That's my knife.
- You wanna fucking get it? - Yes.
Oh my god, this is fucking sick, bro.
Bro, what did we get ourselves fucking into?
Oh my god.
- I got it, I got. - Oh yeah.
Wave it around, let the whole fucking world see.
- Dude, we got a fucking dead body here!
- Okay, can you not scream it to the world?
- Guys.
We gotta get out of here.
- Okay, let's fucking go, let's get our shit.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
what if somebody sees us? - You know what?
You're right.
I'll go, I'll get the drone.
I'll send it up and I'll see if there's
anybody around us, okay? - Fucking gosh, man.
Dude, why do you always fucking put
us in a situation, dude? - Fuck, dude!
This is not my fault! - Oh, what?
You're the one who brought us here.
Fucking dead body. - I did not do this.
I fucking made decisions, man.
- You don't make the fucking calls, okay?
- Yes, I make decisions.
That's why the fucking show works.
Juan, what the fuck is going on with the drone?
Get it out of here.
- I don't know man.
It's stuck in follow mode.
It's gonna go where I go.
- Then you go fucking somewhere else.
You don't mean that!
- Okay guys, let's calm the fuck down, okay?
Let's think about this.
Well, we need to do something, okay man?
Let's take a vote.
I'm saying we go to the cops.
- Oh, we are not going to the cops.
- It's not fucking about that right now.
- About what, Will? - About you being black!
- Wow, okay, look, fucking asshole.
We have a dead body in the tent.
And yes, I am black.
And sometimes I'm scared as shit about that.
- We have footage that shows that we didn't kill her.
- Will, do we have footage of us not stabbing
the body a dozen times with Juan's knife?
We don't.
Look, we're not going to the cops.
- All right, well, you know how I'm voting, man.
Juan?
- I don't know, man, there's a lot to this.
- Yeah, I know, that's why we need the cops.
- Fuck that, we could get charged with murder.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Let's go to the cops.
- Are you fucking me?
- That's two to one.
That two to one.
- I fucking heard you, Will.
Fine, it's a bad fucking idea, I'll tell you that.
- Listen, man.
You know, we might be laughing about this.
This is the right decision for now, though.
- Well yeah, tell that to the fucking dead body.
- Okay, listen, let's go to the ranger station.
Let's show them the footage, and then from there,
we'll call the cops, okay? - Fine.
Let's go.
- Please. - Okay.
I'm telling you, this is not the best move.
- It's the only fucking move.
Whatever.
Dude, is that thing gonna follow us the whole way?
I told you, I don't know how
to switch the mode.
- Oh shit, is that what I think it is?
Oh shit, look at that.
Oh fuck.
- No dude, this is a good thing, man.
Our luck's about to change.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh fuck.
Oh shit, that's the guy from last night.
Is that the, fuck.
- Oh shit. - Oh fuck, that's the killer!
Go!
Go, what the fuck are you doing?
- Don't you fucking move!
Get down on your fucking knees.
Put that camera down, boy.
What you fuckin' thinkin'?
Why don't you step up here?
Crawl your way up here, son.
Move!
Where's your friend?
Um, I'm not sure, sir--
- That's not what I wanted to hear.
Come on, buddy.
Come out here.
Your friends are out here and I really,
I really don't wanna shoot them or nothing like that.
Come on, buddy.
Step on out.
I'm gonna count to 10, buddy.
Oh fuck.
And then I'm gonna start using your friends
as target practice.
One,
two,
stand up straight, boy.
Three,
four,
five.
Are you sure he's your friend?
I don't think so.
Six.
Look, obviously there's just a
misunderstanding, okay?
You gotta understand where we're coming from.
- You violated a law.
You stuck your nose in somebody else's business.
Oh, fuck.
That's not a law.
- It's my law!
Oh, shit.
You gotta get up.
It's gonna be okay.
- Eight. - Fuck.
We're gonna get through this, just relax.
Come on buddy.
What's your friend's name?
Come on! - It's Will, Will.
Will!
Get your ass out here.
Nine!
Oh, fuck this.
10.
Oh, well.
No, please.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, you finally decided to join us.
- Fuck. - I'm here.
- Get your ass down. - I'm here.
- Move!
I'm here.
I'm sorry.
- I'm glad you decided to join us.
One by one, let's go.
Stop your crying, Kunta.
Put your hands down.
Let's go!
Kunta, you!
Move!
Don't eye fuck me, boy.
What's wrong with you?
Hands behind your back.
You know the deal, blackie.
Taco.
Taco!
What?
I'm Colombian.
I don't care if you're Colombian,
Mexican, Peruvian.
Move your ass.
Put your hands behind your back.
Fuck.
- Get in the truck.
Last be but not least, let's go.
Poor excuse for the white race.
What's wrong with you?
Hands behind your back.
Why are you hanging around these degenerates?
What's wrong a you?
Get in the truck! - Fuck.
Why the fuck didn't you guys run?
Shut up.
What's the deal with the drone?
- It's stuck in follow mode, I don't know how to change it.
- I suggest you take uh, your time getting
comfortable back there, 'cause we got a good
15 minute drive to the station.
That'll give you some time to start
thinking about your confession.
We're gonna get out of this, all right?
- I don't hear you boys talking back there.
- Please, dude, we can delete all the footage, man.
We can just make it like it never happened.
- Will shut the fuck up. - You don't have to do this.
- Will, shut the fuck up.
Shut up, Will!
- We don't have to do anything.
- Fuck!
- Quiet him down back there.
Stick a sock in it.
We are scorching, boy.
Don't worry.
The station has got some good AC.
Let's go, boys, move it.
Come on, taco.
Kunta, in the corner.
In the corner!
You sit down.
Don't be turning around, boy.
Hands on the bar.
Hands on the bar!
Don't you turn around, boy.
Let's go, sit down.
- Shit.
Get up here.
Hands on the bar.
Don't be looking at me.
I don't wanna trouble you guys, of course.
Let's go.
Let's move.
Let's go, Kunta.
Get up, boy.
What's the matter, you can't get up?
- No, I can't.
Why, does that hurt?
Shut up!
- You need help?
- Yes, please.
- All right. - No, no!
- Say goodbye to your friends.
Sit your ass down.
I said sit down!
Sit up, boy. - I can't.
I fucking can't.
- I said sit up.
- I can't!
- Sit up!
I didn't stab you, I just gave you a little more motivation.
Now you just sit there pretty and bleed.
You know what?
You're gonna watch me kill him.
Let's go.
Put your hands behind your back.
Shut up!
You sit there.
Move!
That's it.
Let's go, Kunta.
Hands in front.
Be quiet.
You see Kunta, in America,
we don't need people helping us.
Helping us walk.
Goddammit, you probably would have done
anything for a fucking burrito, wouldn't you?
- I'm Colombian.
- What?
- I said I'm from Colombia.
I'm not fucking Mexican.
- Do you think I give a rat's ass where you came from?
I think your friend's had enough.
- Fuck you.
- What did you say?
- I said fuck you.
- Pick up the fucking knife.
- I need your prints on it.
I said pi--
- Let's go, let's go, let's go, come on.
Is he okay?
Is he okay?
Is he okay?
Dude, just go, come on!
Yo, did you grab the keys?
Oh fuck, they're inside, man.
You wanna go back inside?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you stay here.
No, no, let me go with you.
No, no, no, dude, this whole thing's my fault.
What do you mean, bro?
If I'm not back in three minutes, just go, okay?
Fuck, shit!
Fuck!
Goddammit.
What the fuck?
Get back here you little...
- Go, go, get in the car! - Fuck, fuck.
- Get in! - Shit.
All right, I'm in, let's go, let's go.
Start the car, start the car, bro, start the car.
- I'm trying. - Fuck.
All right, you're clear, go, go, go, go.
- Oh fuck.
- Juan's dead.
- Oh, fuck.
- What?
- We don't have any gas.
- Dude, how are we gonna get gas in a stolen cop car?
- We need to get out of the car.
- Bro, what are you doing?
We need to get out of the car.
- Okay, look, right now we didn't do anything wrong.
Okay, let's just get as far away from here as possible
and show someone this footage.
- Yeah, let's get out of the car.
I have an idea, all right?
Hey, excuse me, ma'am?
Do you think we could get a ride with you?
- Sorry.
- Hey excuse me.
- Did you just get out of the sheriff's truck?
- No, no, no, no. - Where's Bert?
He's back at the office.
- This aint right, something's not right.
Is that blood on you?
Hey, George, George come over here.
These two have got Bert's truck.
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Hey, hey!
- Let's go.
That did not go as planned.
- Yeah, you think?
Oh, shit.
Damn, bro, what the fuck are we gonna do, man?
Fuck.
- Now what, bro?
- I don't know, man.
We just need to get the hell out of here.
- Yeah, I agree, but in a stolen police SUV?
- You think we should just leave it?
- No, man, we gotta do something else, bro.
Maybe we should change our clothes?
Let's change our clothes.
Let's just-- - Hey.
- Oh shit. - Hey.
- You guys stay right there. - Get back in the car.
Shit.
Shit.
Drive, go, go, go.
Go, go.
- We need to get off the road.
- Where?
- To some place that won't attract attention.
You wanna go here?
- It looks like there's no car in the driveway,
there's probably nobody home.
Okay.
Yeah?
All right, we just go inside, grab some clothes,
we get cleaned up, and then we're gone, all right?
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah.
Keep your camera running. - Yeah, good call.
I suspect we'll have to prove we did less than just
grab clothes and break in, okay?
- All right.
Good call.
- I don't think anybody's home.
Hello!
What do you think?
Nobody's home.
We're gonna have to break into somebody's house
and that's not even the weirdest thing we did today.
Psh, don't remind me.
- I'll go around.
All right, I'll be here.
I don't think anyone's home.
- All right, let's make this quick.
I get the feeling this aint the type of guy
who'd be too happy with us.
This place is really cool.
Hey, let's check upstairs.
Watch for the steps.
You check the drawers, I'll check the closets.
All right.
Find anything, Paul?
Paul?
Get on your knees.
Oh shit.
He came in when I was loo--
- No talking.
Are there any others?
No, sir.
- You sure about that?
- Yes, sir, our friend is dead.
- Dead? How dead?
- How dead is he, or how did he die?
- The first, how'd he die?
It's a very complicated story.
- Fine.
I don't wanna hear it anyway.
You can tell it to the sheriff.
- No, please, please. - No, no, no, no, no.
Please don't call him.
Shit.
- Bert?
It's Nate.
I got two boys who broke into my house.
That's right.
No, they aint going anywhere.
All right.
Will do.
Listen, don't take too long.
I don't, I don't like this kind of company.
Okay, see you soon.
We're all gonna sit tight
and wait for the sheriff.
Please, sir, that story about how our friend died
is very important right now. - I don't care.
You don't understand.
Bert, the sheriff, he's the one that killed
him for no reason.
- Bert killed him for nothin'?
I don't think so.
- It was for something. - No, we saw something, sir.
- What?
The sheriff, he killed a woman.
- You listenin' to those stories?
That was a hoax. - No, sir, it's real.
- Sure.
Folks claim that Bert killed some
black girl a few years back.
She never turned up.
But the couple that accused Bert changed their story,
right before they left town.
I don't know your boys' problem,
but I know Bert'll straighten you out.
- Sir.
Bert, he's a killer.
He killed that woman, he killed our friend.
- Enough out of you. - No, it's all true, sir.
- Please.
Can we just put the gun down for one second?
- On your knees.
I'm just trying to talk to you.
- On your knees.
We can't stay here, sir.
- You need to listen.
I'm gonna count to three.
We're not killers.
- One.
We don't look like killers.
- Two. - Will.
Will, sit down. - It's gonna be okay.
- Three.
- It's okay. - Will.
It's okay.
- I told you to fucking kneel!
Oh, fuck!
Oh fuck, oh fuck, shit.
- Don't move. - No, I won't.
- I told him to kneel. - Yes, you did.
- He didn't listen. - No sir, he didn't.
- Why didn't he listen? - I don't know.
- You need to listen. - I will.
- Shoot, shoot, Bert's comin'.
It was self defense.
What?
- I didn't have a choice.
What are you talking about?
He was trying to talk with you.
- That's right.
But Bert don't know that.
Well, I mean...
Shit.
- This isn't about you being...
I can't have you telling stories.
Goin' in and fillin' Bert's head
with a bunch of ideas. - Sir.
Just let me leave.
I'll run away, okay?
You'll never see me.
You'll never hear from me.
- I can't.
I'm sorry.
If you wish to run right now, it would look better.
I'd rather not.
- It's still gonna be my word against your dead body.
- I can't have that.
Old man wanna take the law in his own hands.
I'm the law, hm?
I'm the judge, jury, and executioner.
You're so fucking crazy.
- The world is crazy, son.
Crazy as you, boy.
I'm order, hm?
See if I let you go, crazy lives on.
But if this ends now, the crazy dies and order returns.
So I got a lot of paperwork to get started on,
so let's get this goin'.
Hm?
Is it my understanding that you have
no intention of confessing?
No, of course not.
- So, all right then.
Come charge at me, I'll shoot you and we all
get to go home to dinner.
- Do I have a choice? - No.
Not really.
And I swear, boy, if you make me stage this,
I'ma put so many holes in that pretty face of yours,
your mama aint gonna have an open casket at the funeral.
You hear?
Get up.
Slowly.
Up slow, boy.
Slow.
Hands where I can see them.
Now what?
- Now you die.
- Die, you racist son of a bitch!
- Oh shit.
Oh fuck.
Oh shit, the black guy wins.
Oh, fuck.
Ah.
Ah, shit.
Fuck.
Fuck it.
- Thank you for coming in. - Of course.
- Can I get you a water or something?
- No, I'm good, fine.
Thank you. - Sure.
You're doing the right thing here.
What happened to you is crazy.
People have a right to hear your story.
To see your story.
- Do they?
- Yes, absolutely.
- I don't know, man.
- There's evil in the world, Paul.
People should know that.
- I think people know that, okay?
This is different.
I mean, I get it.
People wanna watch this, to have something,
the stories, the evidence,
that supports their worldview, but,
I don't think they need to see this.
I mean, people lost their lives.
- Yes, and we're very sad about that,
but you have a story-- - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
It makes for good drama.
Can I have a minute, please?
- Of course.
Just know that we're not gonna show anything or do anything
you're not comfortable with.
I'll be outside.
Come and get me when you're done.
- Is this what you want?
Do you wanna see this?
- All right, this one is from Garth in Chicago.
"I love your show."
Thank you, Garth.
"I hope it never ends.
"But if you do ever end the show,
"what do you think you'll do for a final episode?"
- Wow.
- Oh, that's a really good question.
- Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
I've never really thought about it to be honest.
- Yeah, I think we're gonna do wheelchairs.
- Why wheelchairs?
- 'Cause we're gonna be old as dirt.
Eh.
I don't know, man.
I just, I don't think I wanna be doing this
for that much longer, you know?
- All right, then what would you do?
- Something with boats, you know?
But not just any boats, but big boats.
- Yeah.
Juan, you?
- I don't know.
I think, I think that it doesn't really
matter what we do for our last episode
as long as we're doing us.
You know, I think that's how I want us to be remembered.
- This is why he's single.
- God, bro. - What?
- You took a perfectly good question
and you made it like super weird.
- Okay, how was that weird?
- Bro, you made it weird, man.
- Okay, but you're telling me that
boats and wheelchairs is better?
Come on.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Man, I hate you guys.
- Oh. - Oh, Juan.
Do you need a hug, man?
- I do not need a hug, I don't need a hug.
No, no, no. - Yeah, group hug.
- Oh.
- Whoa wait, whoa, whoa.
- Juan, is that a knife in your pocket?
- Yeah, hold up, wait.
- Okay.
we have come to the question
and answer portion of our program.
Today's first question is from Bill from The Springs,
and he asks, "Where do you come up with the stupid
"ideas for your show?"
All right.
- That's an easy one.
We're just full of stupid ideas.
- Very true. - It's very true,
but we thank you anyways for watching our stupid show.
- Vehicles to the starting line.
On your marks,
get set,
go!
Are you kidding me?
- Vehicles to the starting line.
On your marks,
get set,
go!
- Yeah! - Oh, this time I got it.
- Practice technique! - This time I got it.
Woo!
Woo!
- Taste my lightening, brothers!
Uh, thank you.
Our next question is from Sarah in Greensboro,
and she wants to know, "Is Juan single?"
- Ooh.
I guess I'll field this one, guys.
Yes, Sarah from Greensboro and other ladies, I am single.
- Yeah, there's a reason for that.
- Yeah, Sarah, I don't know you,
but I do know that you can do much better than Juan.
Asshole.
Yeah.
Let's go.
- Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
to episode 23 of The Three Amigoes,
where you goes where we goes.
Now, we have a very special episode planned for you today
and of course, it all begins with our challenge.
So let's get into it and find out
what we're gonna be doing.
That shake did not do anything.
We need to get like smaller cards
or like a giant fishbowl for next time.
- Somethin'.
- Just a note for everyone at home.
All right, today's challenge.
Ooh.
Man.
Man, this is a big one.
- How big?
- Can we just read it?
- Yeah, today's big challenge is we will be driving
to New Orleans.
- Oh, that's not too bad.
- Mm.
On scooters.
- On what?
- Scooters.
All right, the challenge is you must drive
866 miles from Miami to New Orleans on scooters
with engines not to exceed 50 cc in size.
Oh man.
Which one of you assholes came up with this idea?
- It wasn't me.
That sounds like torture.
50 cc?
Are you kidding me?
- Come on guys, I just,
I wanted to change the pace.
We always do everything so hard and fast.
Why not do something slow?
Leisurely?
- Oh what, for 866 miles?
You're crazy.
- I wanna go to Mardi Gras.
- Dude, Mardi Gras happens once a year.
- No, no, no, no, no. - What?
- Oh my gosh.
- I understand, you wanted to make a challenge,
so let's make it a challenge,
and I'm imposing a $1,000 limit.
- Okay, that's not that bad.
I can find a nice ride for a thousand bucks.
- No, no, no, no, no, not just ride.
I'm talking everything, total.
So that's ride, but it's also food
and gas and parts, everything.
- Yeah, okay, that's cool.
- Yeah.
- That doesn't sound leisurely at all.
- No, no, no, no, it's not supposed to be leisurely.
It's supposed to be a challenge,
and it's supposed to be super fun.
Yeah? - Yeah, I agree.
- Okay, we all agree.
You agree?
Well you better fuckin' agree, this was your idea
and your challenge. - Okay fine, agreed.
- There we go.
Three agrees, so let's go, let's go pick out our hogs.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We can't call 'em hogs, bro.
- Why would I not call 'em hogs?
- Because they're not, they're bitch mobiles.
- Agreed. - Thank you.
- Yeah, all right, so let's just go
and pick out our bitch mobiles.
These are pretty small, dude.
What's the top speed on one of these
freakin' hellcats anyways?
About 70.
I know that is not in miles per hour.
Mm, kilometers.
You know what that is in miles per hours?
About 43.
- Oof.
Well, it's gonna be a very slow ride then.
But you know what?
We're gonna make it work with this bad boy right here.
- You know, I've never been on a scooter, but,
this won't be a problem.
This is scary as shit, I am not gonna lie.
There's no doors, there's no roof.
I'm a ride things with a roof kind of guy.
I'm not gonna lie, the seats are pretty comfy.
- Those two other guys, they went corporate.
Me?
I decided to go local.
This beauty right here?
Only cost me $500.
Oh, it's about to start raining.
I'll see you guys out there.
- So this is our gear.
Everywhere, this is the gear that
we're gonna be bringing on the trip.
We just wanna make sure that everybody at home knows
how our show is made.
- It's also good for us because we can see
if anything's missing at the end of a shoot.
- Yep, no doubt.
We go through a shit ton of action cams.
We should probably own stock. - Yeah, that is very true.
Yeah, so, yeah, like I said, this is the gear.
That's it here.
So let's go and get packed.
All right, so as you can see, my whole approach to this
will be to pack very lightly, very aerodynamic,
and as such, I'll be packing only one pair of my underwear.
Now I know what you're thinking, hey, that's gross.
But here's the solution.
This is called Dr. Bronner's soap.
I'll be using this to wash out my balls
as well as my my hair, keeping it silky and smooth,
and in a pinch, will be a disgusting toothpaste.
And now, as you can tell, I'm halfway done.
As soon as the backpack is zipped, good to go.
- These guys are always worried about the wrong thing.
I got clothes and shit, but this is the thing.
I'm bringin' El Cuchillo.
This is gonna do a lot more than a pair of socks.
- I'm taking a different approach with this trip.
I'm not even gonna worry about it.
Usually I try and pack for this scenario
or that scenario, but this time,
I'm just bringing some clothes, my headphones, and myself.
You know, at the end of the day,
you can pack as much as you want.
It really won't help.
- What's that?
- That is our tent.
- Oh no, we're not doing this again, bro.
- Oh yes, we are.
- Not it.
- No, no, no, no, no.
We don't do no's goes here.
I'm sure all of you know that when we decide things,
we decide it the Three Amigoes way
and that's why we go to the straws of justice.
Okay.
So ladies, you know how this works.
Take your pick.
- I'll go first.
- Fuck it.
- Ready to reveal?
One, two, three.
- God, this is bullshit.
- Yeah, it's bullshit, but it's your bullshit now, man.
You're taking the tent.
Is that it?
Everything's good, man.
We got everything done here.
We have our rides, everything's packed,
so there's only one thing to do now.
Let's hit the road.
- Yo, this aint so bad.
- Yeah.
Only 865 more miles to go.
Fuck you.
Get off the road.
- Okay.
So, here's what I'm thinking.
That was a very poor start to our challenge,
but we'll be fine.
- What the hell are you talking about?
- I'm saying we just need to get used
to riding on the highways.
- Dude, we almost died.
- We didn't though, we survived.
Ma'am, this is delicious coffee, by the way.
Oh, good.
Dude, it was rough out there.
Do you want some more coffee?
- Yes, please.
You guys want more coffee? - No, I'm fine, thank you.
No, I'm good, thank you.
- All right then. - Thank you.
You're missing out on very good coffee.
- Okay, fuck the coffee.
We're staying off the highway.
- Dude, the coffee's okay.
- Yeah, don't fuck the coffee and we're not
staying off the highway.
You now how long it's gonna take to get
to New Orleans from Miami if we don't take the highway?
- Um, no, I don't.
Do you? - I do.
It's gonna take a lot longer.
- Oh, is that your scientific answer?
- It doesn't have to be a scientific...
It's an obvious answer.
The highways move faster, the minimum speed limit's
40 miles per hour.
We do 40, plus three.
- Okay, um, we're taking the back roads.
- Yeah, you know what?
Back roads.
And that's two, by the way. - Thank you.
- I understand that that's two,
but you're thinking illogically.
You just wanna use the drone.
- Damn straight I wanna use the drone.
That way we can set up in the sticks,
get some nice beauty shots.
- I wanna make it clear that I believe
that this is a mistake and I will not agree
with either of you but I will respect the vote,
as I always do, and uh, we will find ourselves
in New Orleans in a year.
Yo, we've been on the road a while.
Do you guys wanna take a break?
- Yeah, you know, we should do something fun.
Yeah, we can get some food.
- Oh guys.
Guys.
There's a mermaid show nearby.
- That's perfect. - Oh?
- Sounds good, sounds great.
- Ready?
Paul.
There's mermaids here.
You know, for those of you who don't know,
it is a well established thing I would call,
that Paul here has a deep seated fetish for mermaids.
- Come on, that's not true.
Look, I said the Little Mermaid was hot.
Which she is, okay?
- Trust me, it's a thing.
- It's not a thing.
- Oh my god, Paul, would you look at
the fins on this one? - Wait, where?
It is a thing.
- Fuck the both of you.
- Excuse me.
Um, my friend was too shy to ask,
but do you have like any lotion available?
- No.
- Mm, do you have any like, tissues or anything?
- Okay, everybody follow me.
We're gonna right through there.
- I'm so sorry.
It looks like you're gonna have to
clean up your own boys, man. - Shut up.
Get your hands off me, man.
Geez.
- You know, you're aware that mermaids are not real, right?
- Yeah, I'm well aware, thank you.
- Yeah.
But Paul, look, we're here.
God, I can't stand you guys.
- Thank you.
Actually, can you help us?
We have an expert here, on mermaids.
I'm sorry for touching you
and I apologize everybody for ruining your day for a second.
Will's a weirdo.
- But Paul has a sensual attraction to mermaids,
but he also believes that they're real.
I just want you to confirm, are they?
- Of course they are 'cause we're
at the mermaid show. - Thank you so much.
- You heard it here first on the Three Amigoes,
mermaids confirmed real.
- Yeah, they're real. - Well, just,
we'd like to thank our expert. - All right.
Well welcome to the Journey Under the Sea.
- You know, that wasn't so bad.
- Eh, I've seen better.
- You know what though?
I actually wanna formally apologize to Paul
because that was actually the hottest mermaid
I've ever seen in my life.
- All right, well, it's over.
Can you just stop it now?
- No, no, no, I'm being serious.
That was like, I don't know, it was like
the mystery of it, like, what's under those shells?
Are they like real boobs?
Are they fish boobs?
Are they-- - I think those are foobs.
We can call 'em foobies.
- Actually, I'm gonna go run to the restroom real quick.
Dude, the bathrooms are in the front.
No, no, there's other bathrooms.
- No, no, just let him go, bro.
Let him go. - Go ahead, though.
- I'm so tired of him talking, bro.
All he does is talk.
He doesn't stop. - I know, I know.
But you know, he's just having fun.
- Yeah, having fun bullying me.
- Listen, man, it's not his fault that you've
got a thing for scales.
- Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, it's over.
Drop it, please.
God. - We came here just for you.
I thought you would like it.
Oh, I love it.
- You know, we could just leave him.
- Oh, listen.
This is riveting entertainment.
You tuned in for a dramatic expedition
through the deep south, and instead, you get--
- Will Arbana, taking a piss.
- Will Arbana taking a piss.
Ugh, god, stay tuned to see what happens next.
- No, no, no, no.
Better yet, come back after the break
and watch us go with the flow.
- Hey Will Arbana.
Someone must've ate asparagus.
- Ugh, you know, he may not be completely full of shit,
but he is a total-- - Yo.
Yo, yo.
- What?
- Do you hear that?
- What?
- Dude.
It sounds like someone fucking.
- No, what?
- No, bro, I'm serious, I hear it.
What the?
Yo!
Are you serious?
- What the fuck are you doing?
Turn off the camera. - Bro.
Come on bro.
Dude, turn that fucking camera off.
- Bro, look at you.
- She was a fan, dude, what the fuck are you doing?
- You knew it was my fetish, man.
- She's a real person, she's not a real fucking mermaid.
Turn the camera off. - This is fucking bullshit.
- Dude, we're fetish brothers now, we're mermaid brothers.
- Don't touch me.
I'm out of here.
- What the fuck, man?
Turn the camera off. - Oh man, no, come on.
That was bullshit.
I can't believe you did that.
Hey Romeo, Romeo.
Put your flipper away.
Come on, the fin?
Was it scaly?
Oh my god, shut the fuck up man.
Hey, she was hot, she was hot, bro.
- Paul!
Fuck man, come on.
Don't fucking leave, this is not serious.
Fuck you, man.
It's not funny, dude.
It's not fucking funny.
Oh, there he goes.
- God fucking dammit.
Now I'm gonna go have to get after Paul.
Oh what?
What about me? - I don't care.
I'll call you, just find us.
Stop right there, stop right there.
- Oh shit, oh shit, uh.
Hey, I gotta go.
- Dude, please, just, it was not that big of deal.
- And see, that's where you're wrong.
- Fine, what do you want me to say?
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Like, can we just move past it
and enjoy making the rest of the trip?
For the love of god, can you believe this?
- I don't know man, it was pretty cold blooded.
- Are you recording on everything right now?
- Of course, dude.
This is perfect for the behind the scenes shit.
- Well hey, for the record, then,
I think Will is a piece of flaming shit
on a taint flavored kebab.
- Ooh. - Whatever, dude.
We're still mermaid brothers.
- We're not mermaid brothers.
That's not a thing.
- Oh, it's a thing.
And if it wasn't, it is now, 'cause it's pretty funny.
Come on.
- Paul, would it make you feel better if we spoon tonight?
- You fucked a mermaid, you get the floor.
- I will accept my punishment honorably.
Just give me like five minutes, okay?
This sucks.
So I have accepted my punishment honorably,
but now they have to accept a little bit of retribution.
So, the Bunnell scooters are 20 minutes late
for waking up.
I have decided to help them.
The first step was a little bit of duct tape.
Yes.
Second step is, you know,
a little bit of motivation.
Third step is to enjoy.
- Oh. - Dude, what the fuck?
Come on! - Asshole!
- Yeah.
I'm an asshole, I'll take it.
That was amazing.
You guys are perfect.
Let's go.
All right.
- Man.
I can still taste that tape.
- Yeah, I'm actually kind of disappointed in it.
I thought it was gonna be like a lot stickier and sturdier.
Mm.
Ready boys?
- Yep. - Oh, I'm ready.
You good?
- Hey. - Is yours not starting?
- Yeah, that's not good, bro. - You all right?
It's gonna start, it just needs
a little bit of love, give me a second here.
Fuck.
Woo.
What did I tell you boys?
- All right. - You're lucky.
- Oh.
Damn, man.
I wish there was a restaurant here.
Yeah, this place does leave
something to be desired.
- I mean what is it? - You guys are so uptight.
Just grab something and let's go.
- Ugh.
I can feel myself getting fat already.
Yeah.
You know, I had an uncle, he used to eat
nothing but this stuff.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
He died at 34.
- Damn.
Eating this kind of stuff?
No, car accident.
You're fucking crazy, bro.
Ooh.
- Yo. - Yo, what's up?
- That's all you got?
Yeah, kinda.
What does that mean?
- It's all I paid for. - What?
- The rest of this I got on the Tres Amigoes
five finger put it in your pocket discount.
- That's fucked up, man. - That is not cool.
- Dude, you trying to get us in trouble, bro?
- No, what's fucked up is that they're charging
us ridiculous prices for snacks, man.
How much were your chips? - I don't remember.
- Doesn't remember.
It was two minutes ago.
- You know, you might as well just tell him
how much it was, he's not gonna let up.
- I paid $2.49 for some chips, okay?
My drink was three dollars.
- Three dollars.
$2.49.
That's $5.49 for two items.
They're robbing us first.
I'm just tipping the scales of justice in our favor.
I'm Robin Hood.
- Bro, karma's gonna fuck you in the ass
if you don't put that shit back, bro.
Dude, I don't know man.
Those prices were pretty steep.
- That's right.
Karma's gonna fuck me?
Karma's gonna fuck them.
They're charging us drug prices for convenience store food.
Man, I spend less money at an airport.
- Juan, can we please take a vote?
Okay.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I agree with Will.
- Fuck. - Thank you, thank you.
- Let's just get out of here, man.
- Yeah, I agree, let's go.
You guys ready? - No, what was your vote?
- What's the point, you got two votes man.
- No, but I wanna know what your vote was.
- Look, just forget about it, all right?
I wanna leave before the owner gets a hard one on
and calls the cops. - See, he wants to go.
That's why we're mermaid brothers.
- Don't fuckin' touch me, all right?
I'm not your fucking mermaid brother.
- I think you made him mad. - Yeah, just a little bit.
Yo.
Yo!
Juan's way back there.
It's dead? - It's dead.
- Oh, are you sure?
- Yeah, man, I checked everything.
The spark plugs, the battery, gas.
I don't know what it could be.
- Well now what?
- We just gotta keep movin'.
- Nah man, I'm good. - Why?
- Just not with me. - Wow man, thanks.
- Look bro, it's not you. - No, yeah I get it.
I get it.
- Oh you want me to take him.
- I mean, you did fuck a mermaid, so.
- You know what?
He's absolutely right, I did fuck a mermaid,
so I'll take him under one condition:
you have to finally admit that we're mermaid brothers.
- Are you serious?
That's the deal, dude.
- Do I get a say in this?
- No. - No.
Let's hear it.
- Okay, yeah, fine.
We can be mermaid brothers. - Yeah.
See, that wasn't so hard, was it, mermaid brotha?
- Is that the only knife you got?
- Yeah.
- No.
Check this out.
You've gotta try this one.
- Oh wow, dude, what?
A machete?
- Hey, I'm telling you, you gotta be careful with it though.
That thing could cut straight through flesh.
- No, actually, don't be careful man.
We're pretty far from a hospital
or a doctor or anything for that matter.
- Ha.
Hilarious.
- You know what?
All I'm doing is looking forward to getting
a good night sleep.
- Yeah, I'm looking forward to finally
spooning with my mermaid brother here.
- Ooh, you know what, can I be an honorary mermaid brother?
- I mean, there's one question: do you like mermaids?
- Not really. - Okay, guys--
- But I do like seafood. - Can we not, bro?
Can we put this shit to bed now?
- Nah, it's a thing, dude.
He's a mermaid brother now.
- We're not making this a thing.
Wait.
Dude, what the fuck? - What?
- What?
- Where's the rest of the food?
Is that all we have to eat?
- It's all the stuff that I was supposed to bring.
You guys brought the hot dogs.
- No, no.
You were supposed to bring the hot dogs.
- Yeah bro, that was all you.
- No, it wasn't.
I brought this.
You guys were supposed to bring the hot dogs.
Oh shit, no.
Yeah, that was my bad, sorry.
Uh, I'll just, I'll run to a store?
There's probably one open.
- Yeah, there's one about 11 miles that way.
- Um.
All right then.
I'll do what humans do for thousands of years.
I will hunt us some food. - Oh, gosh.
Dude, he's gonna get himself fucking killed.
- No, you know what?
He's got that weird, goofy look.
Trust me, he'll find a way to get us killed.
- Look, don't say that.
He could actually do it, bro.
- Yeah, I know.
- All right guys.
This is happening.
I am crafting a homo sapien spear like our ancestors.
Oh yeah, I can just taste the food now.
- Why don't you just sharpen the stick?
- Because this is going to work better.
Okay.
Watch.
You guys are gonna have the best meal
you've ever had in your life.
Okay.
- Bet on it. - You know what?
I'll take that bet, 20 bucks. - Yeah, I'll match him.
20 bucks. - Yeah, fine.
20 bucks to each of you if I don't come back
with the most delicious raccoon or squirrel you ever had.
- When?
- I'm going right now.
- No, when you don't come back.
- Oh, hilarious guy, shots fired.
- I mean seriously, who brings carrots on a camping trip?
- Yeah, this is not tasty.
- Oh.
Now it's time for an exclusive camping tip.
- Yeah, 'cause we are professionals.
- When camping in the woods, although it may seem
like a good idea, never let Will
be in charge of the food.
- No.
Put him in charge of something less important.
Like planning your trip,
purchasing your transportation,
or fucking your mermaid.
Okay, sorry.
Last time.
- So I have been hunting with my spear
for about too long now.
It's starting to get dark and I have exactly
zero raccoon and squirrel to show for it.
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
I have to show this to the boys.
Got any fours?
- Go fish. - Fuck.
In honor of our buddy getting some fish tail,
we're playing cards. - Go Fish.
Yo.
You guys gotta see this.
- Dude, where's the food? - No fuck the food man.
- Wait, there's no steak? - There's no steak.
This is better, just grab all the equipment,
get long lines and just follow me, okay?
- Will, this better be worth it.
Oh, what, I'ma scare the food away?
Dude, I don't think he understands
how hunting works. - Psh, clearly.
- What?
Is that what I think it is?
Oh that is a beautiful sight.
Oh shit, dude, I can hear them all
the way from over here.
They started like five minutes ago
and he's been fucking her like crazy.
Oh, shoot, does she want it?
Well I mean, she's not running away.
I mean, that looks like angry sex though.
This is super hot, though.
- Oh, fuck. - Oh, shit.
Oh shit.
Dude, dude, he's watching me.
Dude he's looking at us, he's looking at us.
Go, go, go, go, go, go!
Just fucking go!
Oh, fuck.
Oh fuck man.
Yo, we need to get the fuck out of here, now.
- Yeah, well how the fuck do you wanna do that?
- Uh, we ride out?
- Ride out?
That's three guys and two scooters, man.
The top speed in 43 miles per hour.
- Fuck man, you got a better fucking idea?
- Yeah, we wait it out.
- Oh, huddled in our two person tent?
We can't get away on scooters.
- Well, there's not another campsite close by,
so we have to do something.
- Yeah, okay, fine then we split up.
- Dude, split up?
How does that work, Will?
- I don't fucking know yet, all right?
We find spots in the woods, all right?
We sleep there, just away from the campsite.
- Guys, we gotta move.
- All right.
I'll set up the Go Pro, all right,
facing the tent overnight and that way
if something happens, we'll know about it, okay?
- Okay. - All right, and then
in the meantime, we just find spots away from the campsite.
We sleep in the woods and we wait it out.
- Okay, how will we know when it's safe to come out?
- We'll meet up in front of that tree
in the clearing, all right, in the morning.
- Fuck.
And what if he's there?
- He's not gonna be there.
Okay, he's not gonna go back to where the murder was.
That's true.
- Okay.
Okay, fine, fine.
- Okay, okay.
- Okay.
Eight am, okay?
In front of the tree in the clearing.
- Crap.
All right.
This is perfect.
- I'm doing this Vietnam style.
- I'm not taking any chances.
That crazy cracker killer comes my way?
I'm dark as night.
Nothing to see here.
All right, I'm out.
See you guys in the morning.
- It's like 2:30 a.m. right now.
The guy's probably long gone, it's been really quiet.
Still, you know, I wanna just get the hell out of here
as soon as possible come morning.
I just--
Yeah, this is probably the worst night of my life.
Yo. - Oh shit.
What are you doing?
- Nothing, just looking at how amazing it is.
Did you go to the camp site?
- Fuck no.
- Dude, I barely slept last night.
- Really?
I slept like a baby.
Must've been a cat in another life.
- Yeah, good for you.
You see Paul?
No, have you?
No, it's past eight o'clock.
- Yeah.
- Well.
You slept by him?
- No, I thought he slept by you.
- No.
Oh shit. - No, you don't think?
- I don't know what to think.
Last night was so fucking crazy, man,
I thought I heard someone getting dragged.
Dragged?
Yeah, yeah, I mean, like, it just sounded like it.
Well was it Paul?
- I mean, what, did it sound like Paul?
- Yeah?
Was he bitching, complaining?
- No, it was just like, it was like, you know, like a,
like, it sounded like someone getting dragged, I don't know.
- Oh, okay, all right.
We gotta find him, man.
Well should we split up?
- No, no, no, we should stay together.
- All right, let's go. - Yeah.
It's right through here.
What do you think happened to Paul?
- I don't know man, there weren't like
gunshots or anything last night,
so he's probably fine.
What was that?
I think it was over there.
- What?
It's nothing.
- Okay.
Oh shit, wait, wait, wait, it's Paul.
Paul. - Paul?
- Paul? - Paul?
- Fuck. - What are you doing?
- I don't know, I wanna see if he's all right.
Paul?
Paul?
Paul?
Oh shit, come on!
Jesus.
Not fucking cool man.
You were late.
It was supposed to be eight o'clock.
- I was sleeping, I'm sorry.
Well good for you, I did not sleep.
- All right look, man, let's just get back to camp.
All right?
Whatever man, let's just get our shit and get out of here.
Have you guys seen my knife?
No, I haven't seen it.
I'll look by the tent. - Fuck.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Guys, come here, just-- - What?
- Come here, look.
What is it?
- Right here.
You see?
- What?
The fucking flap?
- See?
- No man, I don't see anything.
- That's the fucking breeze, man.
- No, it's not the breeze.
There was no breeze last night.
- Okay, well, you wanna go fuckin' look at it?
Why not?
- Okay, everyone together and it'll be fine.
Let's go.
Wait, wait, wait.
What if there's, like, something in there?
- Dude, relax bro. - There's nothing in there.
Okay?
- All right, well, one of us has to open it then, yeah?
- Well you're the fucking one who brought
us to the woods.
You fucking open it man.
- Yeah, fair enough.
Fuck.
Oh fuck, come on, man.
- Oh my god.
Oh my god, oh my god. - Shit, oh shit.
Dude, that's the girl.
That's the girl that he fucking killed.
- I know, dude, he fucking cut her.
Shit.
That's my knife.
That's my knife.
- You wanna fucking get it? - Yes.
Oh my god, this is fucking sick, bro.
Bro, what did we get ourselves fucking into?
Oh my god.
- I got it, I got. - Oh yeah.
Wave it around, let the whole fucking world see.
- Dude, we got a fucking dead body here!
- Okay, can you not scream it to the world?
- Guys.
We gotta get out of here.
- Okay, let's fucking go, let's get our shit.
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
what if somebody sees us? - You know what?
You're right.
I'll go, I'll get the drone.
I'll send it up and I'll see if there's
anybody around us, okay? - Fucking gosh, man.
Dude, why do you always fucking put
us in a situation, dude? - Fuck, dude!
This is not my fault! - Oh, what?
You're the one who brought us here.
Fucking dead body. - I did not do this.
I fucking made decisions, man.
- You don't make the fucking calls, okay?
- Yes, I make decisions.
That's why the fucking show works.
Juan, what the fuck is going on with the drone?
Get it out of here.
- I don't know man.
It's stuck in follow mode.
It's gonna go where I go.
- Then you go fucking somewhere else.
You don't mean that!
- Okay guys, let's calm the fuck down, okay?
Let's think about this.
Well, we need to do something, okay man?
Let's take a vote.
I'm saying we go to the cops.
- Oh, we are not going to the cops.
- It's not fucking about that right now.
- About what, Will? - About you being black!
- Wow, okay, look, fucking asshole.
We have a dead body in the tent.
And yes, I am black.
And sometimes I'm scared as shit about that.
- We have footage that shows that we didn't kill her.
- Will, do we have footage of us not stabbing
the body a dozen times with Juan's knife?
We don't.
Look, we're not going to the cops.
- All right, well, you know how I'm voting, man.
Juan?
- I don't know, man, there's a lot to this.
- Yeah, I know, that's why we need the cops.
- Fuck that, we could get charged with murder.
Okay.
Thank you.
- Let's go to the cops.
- Are you fucking me?
- That's two to one.
That two to one.
- I fucking heard you, Will.
Fine, it's a bad fucking idea, I'll tell you that.
- Listen, man.
You know, we might be laughing about this.
This is the right decision for now, though.
- Well yeah, tell that to the fucking dead body.
- Okay, listen, let's go to the ranger station.
Let's show them the footage, and then from there,
we'll call the cops, okay? - Fine.
Let's go.
- Please. - Okay.
I'm telling you, this is not the best move.
- It's the only fucking move.
Whatever.
Dude, is that thing gonna follow us the whole way?
I told you, I don't know how
to switch the mode.
- Oh shit, is that what I think it is?
Oh shit, look at that.
Oh fuck.
- No dude, this is a good thing, man.
Our luck's about to change.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh fuck.
Oh shit, that's the guy from last night.
Is that the, fuck.
- Oh shit. - Oh fuck, that's the killer!
Go!
Go, what the fuck are you doing?
- Don't you fucking move!
Get down on your fucking knees.
Put that camera down, boy.
What you fuckin' thinkin'?
Why don't you step up here?
Crawl your way up here, son.
Move!
Where's your friend?
Um, I'm not sure, sir--
- That's not what I wanted to hear.
Come on, buddy.
Come out here.
Your friends are out here and I really,
I really don't wanna shoot them or nothing like that.
Come on, buddy.
Step on out.
I'm gonna count to 10, buddy.
Oh fuck.
And then I'm gonna start using your friends
as target practice.
One,
two,
stand up straight, boy.
Three,
four,
five.
Are you sure he's your friend?
I don't think so.
Six.
Look, obviously there's just a
misunderstanding, okay?
You gotta understand where we're coming from.
- You violated a law.
You stuck your nose in somebody else's business.
Oh, fuck.
That's not a law.
- It's my law!
Oh, shit.
You gotta get up.
It's gonna be okay.
- Eight. - Fuck.
We're gonna get through this, just relax.
Come on buddy.
What's your friend's name?
Come on! - It's Will, Will.
Will!
Get your ass out here.
Nine!
Oh, fuck this.
10.
Oh, well.
No, please.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Oh, you finally decided to join us.
- Fuck. - I'm here.
- Get your ass down. - I'm here.
- Move!
I'm here.
I'm sorry.
- I'm glad you decided to join us.
One by one, let's go.
Stop your crying, Kunta.
Put your hands down.
Let's go!
Kunta, you!
Move!
Don't eye fuck me, boy.
What's wrong with you?
Hands behind your back.
You know the deal, blackie.
Taco.
Taco!
What?
I'm Colombian.
I don't care if you're Colombian,
Mexican, Peruvian.
Move your ass.
Put your hands behind your back.
Fuck.
- Get in the truck.
Last be but not least, let's go.
Poor excuse for the white race.
What's wrong with you?
Hands behind your back.
Why are you hanging around these degenerates?
What's wrong a you?
Get in the truck! - Fuck.
Why the fuck didn't you guys run?
Shut up.
What's the deal with the drone?
- It's stuck in follow mode, I don't know how to change it.
- I suggest you take uh, your time getting
comfortable back there, 'cause we got a good
15 minute drive to the station.
That'll give you some time to start
thinking about your confession.
We're gonna get out of this, all right?
- I don't hear you boys talking back there.
- Please, dude, we can delete all the footage, man.
We can just make it like it never happened.
- Will shut the fuck up. - You don't have to do this.
- Will, shut the fuck up.
Shut up, Will!
- We don't have to do anything.
- Fuck!
- Quiet him down back there.
Stick a sock in it.
We are scorching, boy.
Don't worry.
The station has got some good AC.
Let's go, boys, move it.
Come on, taco.
Kunta, in the corner.
In the corner!
You sit down.
Don't be turning around, boy.
Hands on the bar.
Hands on the bar!
Don't you turn around, boy.
Let's go, sit down.
- Shit.
Get up here.
Hands on the bar.
Don't be looking at me.
I don't wanna trouble you guys, of course.
Let's go.
Let's move.
Let's go, Kunta.
Get up, boy.
What's the matter, you can't get up?
- No, I can't.
Why, does that hurt?
Shut up!
- You need help?
- Yes, please.
- All right. - No, no!
- Say goodbye to your friends.
Sit your ass down.
I said sit down!
Sit up, boy. - I can't.
I fucking can't.
- I said sit up.
- I can't!
- Sit up!
I didn't stab you, I just gave you a little more motivation.
Now you just sit there pretty and bleed.
You know what?
You're gonna watch me kill him.
Let's go.
Put your hands behind your back.
Shut up!
You sit there.
Move!
That's it.
Let's go, Kunta.
Hands in front.
Be quiet.
You see Kunta, in America,
we don't need people helping us.
Helping us walk.
Goddammit, you probably would have done
anything for a fucking burrito, wouldn't you?
- I'm Colombian.
- What?
- I said I'm from Colombia.
I'm not fucking Mexican.
- Do you think I give a rat's ass where you came from?
I think your friend's had enough.
- Fuck you.
- What did you say?
- I said fuck you.
- Pick up the fucking knife.
- I need your prints on it.
I said pi--
- Let's go, let's go, let's go, come on.
Is he okay?
Is he okay?
Is he okay?
Dude, just go, come on!
Yo, did you grab the keys?
Oh fuck, they're inside, man.
You wanna go back inside?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you stay here.
No, no, let me go with you.
No, no, no, dude, this whole thing's my fault.
What do you mean, bro?
If I'm not back in three minutes, just go, okay?
Fuck, shit!
Fuck!
Goddammit.
What the fuck?
Get back here you little...
- Go, go, get in the car! - Fuck, fuck.
- Get in! - Shit.
All right, I'm in, let's go, let's go.
Start the car, start the car, bro, start the car.
- I'm trying. - Fuck.
All right, you're clear, go, go, go, go.
- Oh fuck.
- Juan's dead.
- Oh, fuck.
- What?
- We don't have any gas.
- Dude, how are we gonna get gas in a stolen cop car?
- We need to get out of the car.
- Bro, what are you doing?
We need to get out of the car.
- Okay, look, right now we didn't do anything wrong.
Okay, let's just get as far away from here as possible
and show someone this footage.
- Yeah, let's get out of the car.
I have an idea, all right?
Hey, excuse me, ma'am?
Do you think we could get a ride with you?
- Sorry.
- Hey excuse me.
- Did you just get out of the sheriff's truck?
- No, no, no, no. - Where's Bert?
He's back at the office.
- This aint right, something's not right.
Is that blood on you?
Hey, George, George come over here.
These two have got Bert's truck.
Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Hey, hey!
- Let's go.
That did not go as planned.
- Yeah, you think?
Oh, shit.
Damn, bro, what the fuck are we gonna do, man?
Fuck.
- Now what, bro?
- I don't know, man.
We just need to get the hell out of here.
- Yeah, I agree, but in a stolen police SUV?
- You think we should just leave it?
- No, man, we gotta do something else, bro.
Maybe we should change our clothes?
Let's change our clothes.
Let's just-- - Hey.
- Oh shit. - Hey.
- You guys stay right there. - Get back in the car.
Shit.
Shit.
Drive, go, go, go.
Go, go.
- We need to get off the road.
- Where?
- To some place that won't attract attention.
You wanna go here?
- It looks like there's no car in the driveway,
there's probably nobody home.
Okay.
Yeah?
All right, we just go inside, grab some clothes,
we get cleaned up, and then we're gone, all right?
- Okay, okay.
- Yeah.
Keep your camera running. - Yeah, good call.
I suspect we'll have to prove we did less than just
grab clothes and break in, okay?
- All right.
Good call.
- I don't think anybody's home.
Hello!
What do you think?
Nobody's home.
We're gonna have to break into somebody's house
and that's not even the weirdest thing we did today.
Psh, don't remind me.
- I'll go around.
All right, I'll be here.
I don't think anyone's home.
- All right, let's make this quick.
I get the feeling this aint the type of guy
who'd be too happy with us.
This place is really cool.
Hey, let's check upstairs.
Watch for the steps.
You check the drawers, I'll check the closets.
All right.
Find anything, Paul?
Paul?
Get on your knees.
Oh shit.
He came in when I was loo--
- No talking.
Are there any others?
No, sir.
- You sure about that?
- Yes, sir, our friend is dead.
- Dead? How dead?
- How dead is he, or how did he die?
- The first, how'd he die?
It's a very complicated story.
- Fine.
I don't wanna hear it anyway.
You can tell it to the sheriff.
- No, please, please. - No, no, no, no, no.
Please don't call him.
Shit.
- Bert?
It's Nate.
I got two boys who broke into my house.
That's right.
No, they aint going anywhere.
All right.
Will do.
Listen, don't take too long.
I don't, I don't like this kind of company.
Okay, see you soon.
We're all gonna sit tight
and wait for the sheriff.
Please, sir, that story about how our friend died
is very important right now. - I don't care.
You don't understand.
Bert, the sheriff, he's the one that killed
him for no reason.
- Bert killed him for nothin'?
I don't think so.
- It was for something. - No, we saw something, sir.
- What?
The sheriff, he killed a woman.
- You listenin' to those stories?
That was a hoax. - No, sir, it's real.
- Sure.
Folks claim that Bert killed some
black girl a few years back.
She never turned up.
But the couple that accused Bert changed their story,
right before they left town.
I don't know your boys' problem,
but I know Bert'll straighten you out.
- Sir.
Bert, he's a killer.
He killed that woman, he killed our friend.
- Enough out of you. - No, it's all true, sir.
- Please.
Can we just put the gun down for one second?
- On your knees.
I'm just trying to talk to you.
- On your knees.
We can't stay here, sir.
- You need to listen.
I'm gonna count to three.
We're not killers.
- One.
We don't look like killers.
- Two. - Will.
Will, sit down. - It's gonna be okay.
- Three.
- It's okay. - Will.
It's okay.
- I told you to fucking kneel!
Oh, fuck!
Oh fuck, oh fuck, shit.
- Don't move. - No, I won't.
- I told him to kneel. - Yes, you did.
- He didn't listen. - No sir, he didn't.
- Why didn't he listen? - I don't know.
- You need to listen. - I will.
- Shoot, shoot, Bert's comin'.
It was self defense.
What?
- I didn't have a choice.
What are you talking about?
He was trying to talk with you.
- That's right.
But Bert don't know that.
Well, I mean...
Shit.
- This isn't about you being...
I can't have you telling stories.
Goin' in and fillin' Bert's head
with a bunch of ideas. - Sir.
Just let me leave.
I'll run away, okay?
You'll never see me.
You'll never hear from me.
- I can't.
I'm sorry.
If you wish to run right now, it would look better.
I'd rather not.
- It's still gonna be my word against your dead body.
- I can't have that.
Old man wanna take the law in his own hands.
I'm the law, hm?
I'm the judge, jury, and executioner.
You're so fucking crazy.
- The world is crazy, son.
Crazy as you, boy.
I'm order, hm?
See if I let you go, crazy lives on.
But if this ends now, the crazy dies and order returns.
So I got a lot of paperwork to get started on,
so let's get this goin'.
Hm?
Is it my understanding that you have
no intention of confessing?
No, of course not.
- So, all right then.
Come charge at me, I'll shoot you and we all
get to go home to dinner.
- Do I have a choice? - No.
Not really.
And I swear, boy, if you make me stage this,
I'ma put so many holes in that pretty face of yours,
your mama aint gonna have an open casket at the funeral.
You hear?
Get up.
Slowly.
Up slow, boy.
Slow.
Hands where I can see them.
Now what?
- Now you die.
- Die, you racist son of a bitch!
- Oh shit.
Oh fuck.
Oh shit, the black guy wins.
Oh, fuck.
Ah.
Ah, shit.
Fuck.
Fuck it.
- Thank you for coming in. - Of course.
- Can I get you a water or something?
- No, I'm good, fine.
Thank you. - Sure.
You're doing the right thing here.
What happened to you is crazy.
People have a right to hear your story.
To see your story.
- Do they?
- Yes, absolutely.
- I don't know, man.
- There's evil in the world, Paul.
People should know that.
- I think people know that, okay?
This is different.
I mean, I get it.
People wanna watch this, to have something,
the stories, the evidence,
that supports their worldview, but,
I don't think they need to see this.
I mean, people lost their lives.
- Yes, and we're very sad about that,
but you have a story-- - Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.
It makes for good drama.
Can I have a minute, please?
- Of course.
Just know that we're not gonna show anything or do anything
you're not comfortable with.
I'll be outside.
Come and get me when you're done.
- Is this what you want?
Do you wanna see this?
- All right, this one is from Garth in Chicago.
"I love your show."
Thank you, Garth.
"I hope it never ends.
"But if you do ever end the show,
"what do you think you'll do for a final episode?"
- Wow.
- Oh, that's a really good question.
- Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
I've never really thought about it to be honest.
- Yeah, I think we're gonna do wheelchairs.
- Why wheelchairs?
- 'Cause we're gonna be old as dirt.
Eh.
I don't know, man.
I just, I don't think I wanna be doing this
for that much longer, you know?
- All right, then what would you do?
- Something with boats, you know?
But not just any boats, but big boats.
- Yeah.
Juan, you?
- I don't know.
I think, I think that it doesn't really
matter what we do for our last episode
as long as we're doing us.
You know, I think that's how I want us to be remembered.
- This is why he's single.
- God, bro. - What?
- You took a perfectly good question
and you made it like super weird.
- Okay, how was that weird?
- Bro, you made it weird, man.
- Okay, but you're telling me that
boats and wheelchairs is better?
Come on.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Man, I hate you guys.
- Oh. - Oh, Juan.
Do you need a hug, man?
- I do not need a hug, I don't need a hug.
No, no, no. - Yeah, group hug.
- Oh.
- Whoa wait, whoa, whoa.
- Juan, is that a knife in your pocket?
- Yeah, hold up, wait.
- Okay.