Scoop (2006) - full transcript

Don't mourn
for Joe Strombel.

Joe Strombel led a full life.

A newspaperman
in the best tradition.

A great credit
to the fourth estate.

It didn't matter
if the bombs in the
war zone were falling.

It didn't matter
how high up
the political scandal went,

or how many
big corporations

or small-time racketeers
leaned on him.

Whatever the risk,
if there was a story there,

Joe went after it.
And he usually got it.

Well, I was with him
when the story broke
about Prince Charles,



and that made him
persona non grata
with the Royal Family.

Except with Diana.
They always remained
good friends.

(ALL AGREEING)
He did love a woman.

Hey, did you know he started
as a police reporter?

Did he?
Yeah, he was
a bloody good one.

One of the best.
Maybe the best.

I got trapped with Joe once
in Afghanistan.

Yeah?

And we were going
to be shot any moment
by the Taliban, until,

typically, Joe found
someone to bribe

(ALL LAUGHING)
So we could escape.

MAN 1: Not with his own money,
though.
No, no, he got it on expenses.

MAN 2: Plus 10%.
MAN 3: Ten percent.

But it did
involve us getting out
wearing burkas.



And, well, we lived
to write another day.

Everyone loved him.
Yeah.

MAN 1: Not always at
British intelligence.

No, but he got
the information
before anyone else.

Yeah, he did. That's right.
Not Richard Nixon, though.

Well, wherever you are now,
Joe, it won't be the same
without you, mate.

ALL: To Joe.
Joe Strombel.

(SHIP CREAKING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Where are we headed?

Does this
mean anything to you?

(SIGHS)

He doesn't give answers.
Tried it.

Joe Strombel.
Coronary thrombosis.

Jane Cook.

So, what do you do?
Reporter.

Hmm.
You?

I'm... Well, I was
personal secretary
to Peter Lyman.

Lord Lyman's son.
Yes, impressive young man.

You knew him?
No, only by reputation.

But I like what I know.

I think he's got
a real future in politics.

How did you die?

I think I was poisoned.

You think?

Why?

I believe I was poisoned

because I was
on the verge of confirming
a terrible suspicion.

Yes?
What suspicion is that?

That Peter Lyman
is the serial killer

known to the police
as the Tarot Card Killer.

(CHUCKLES) What?

I assume
you're aware of that case?

Yeah, I wrote an article
two years ago, when the
Tarot killings first started.

But Peter Lyman? My God.

What on earth
made you suspect

this rich, young handsome,
above-reproach citizen?

You remember the last murder?
The police found a clue.

Yes, a cufflink.
I read about it in the paper.
Unusual antique, wasn't it?

Yep.
Very rare Art Deco.

Peter had the exact pair.

So could have
the Tarot Killer.

The world is full
of coincidences.

Yeah, except I noticed
that Peter only had one left.

He'd lost the other.

Still,

although
it's a tantalizing thought.

Did you inform the police,
or was that too sticky?

I didn't know what to do,
so I phoned my lawyer

and I asked his advice
on whether to
report it or not.

And I thought
I heard this click
on the phone,

you know, like someone
had been listening.

Later that day, after tea,

I died suddenly.

That is suspicious.

My God, Peter Lyman.

Hard to believe,
but if he did turn out
to be the Tarot Killer,

what a story.

I knew you'd appreciate it
when you said
you were a reporter.

This would be
a dynamite scoop.
And I got it first.

Yeah. Unfortunately,
where you're headed
there is no first.

There's only last.

REPORTER 1: Mr. Tinsley!
Loved your last picture.

You really have a way
with actors.

Think you could maybe...
Please wait!

Mr. Tinsley?
Yeah.

Sondra Pransky.
Who?

Sondra Pransky.
I'm the journalism
student from Adair.

I wrote to you
about getting an interview
for the school newspaper.

Oh...

And you, well,
your secretary, actually,
because... Not you.

I mean, I know how busy
film directors get and all.

But you said
if I was in London visiting,
then you would, you know,

and here I am,
which is fantastic.

I think I have
your letter, actually.

See, right now
I'm a bit tied up.
Here it is!

Here it is.
This is so great for me.

I mean, you've got
a huge following in Rochester.

It gets very cold there.

With your new movie
coming out in the fall,
and... Well...

Actually,

I was wondering
if we could just ask you
a couple of questions.

Do you mind?
Okay, okay, but
we got to be real quick.

SONDRA: I write
for the cultural part
of the paper.

I'm looking to move into
more serious pieces.

And when you say something
more serious, that's...

You really want to know?

Well, originally, I wasn't
going to go to college.

I was going to become
a dental hygienist
like my sister, Beverly.

And, don't get me wrong,
it's a great profession.

I have very high respect
for teeth and gums,
particularly gums.

My whole family's
in orthodontics. But...

And what?
You're vacationing here?
Oh, yes.

Oh, I'm just very friendly
with a very upper class
British family.

Our families vacationed
in Palm Beach together.

My mother
won a visit to Palm Beach

and I became friends
with their granddaughter,
Vivian.

She's so lovely.
She'll stay with us...

Another?
Oh, thanks.

So I slept with him
and I didn't even
get the interview.

I mean,
what kind of a reporter am I?

How was the sex?
Give me all the details.

Who knows? I was so drunk,
I don't even remember.

All I know is that
the second it was over,

he got a phone call
and had to leave
suddenly for Thailand.

Thailand?

Yeah, Justin Richards
got fired from some project
and he had to take over.

What difference does it make?

The point is,
I told the whole school

I'd get an exclusive
with Michael Tinsley!

(LAUGHING)
You were nervous.

You're inexperienced.
You drank.

He's a charming genius.

But you know,
you're a very attractive,
sexy girl.

If you're going to interview
movers and shakers
in their hotel rooms,

you better watch out.

Not that I'd mind
a roll in the hay
with Michael Tinsley.

I've put some fresh towels
in your bedroom, Sondra.

SONDRA: Thank you,
Mrs. Thompson.

Come on, sweetheart.
Chop, chop.
You're gonna be late.

Oh, Mom.
SONDRA: The point is
I didn't get the story!

I mean, if I'd used
my feminine wiles

like Katharine Hepburn
or Rosalind Russell.

Oh, come on.

We'll go have lunch
at The lvy,

and then we'll take
my little brother

to see that show
he's so excited about,

and then we'll go
to that party tonight.

There'll be
loads of gorgeous guys there.

And you're always saying
all the men you meet
are complete losers.

So you blew the story.
It's not life or death.

(SIGHS)

(TRITSCH-TRATSCH POLKA
PLAYING)

M. C: Ladies and gentlemen,
prepare yourselves

for the astonishing magic

of Splendini!

(ALL CHEERING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen,
you're an incredible audience

and I mean that sincerely.
I say that from
the bottom of my heart.

You know, every time
I come to London,
this great city,

I always get
a sincere sensation,

because you're marvelous
people, beautiful humans.

And for my next experiment...

And I call it an experiment,
you see, not a trick.

I'm gonna need a volunteer.

So if you'll step out
and find someone for me.

This is kind of dangerous
stuff so no children here.

I need
a grown-up volunteer.

Someone who's willing
to put her life on the line.

(TRITSCH-TRATSCH POLKA
PLAYING)

Is this
your first time on stage?
Yes.

Yes, you've never done...
Well, you got nothing
to be afraid of.

(STUTTERING)
You nervous? Don't be nervous.

What's your name?
Tell them your name.

Sondra Pransky.

(EXCLAIMS) A landsman!
United States! Fantastic!

And where are you from,
Sondra? No, don't tell me,

'cause I got a great ear
for that kind of thing.

Alabama!
Am I right? Am I right?

Close.
Yeah?

I'm from Brooklyn.
Incredible!

God bless you, sweetheart.
I'm from Brooklyn, too.

That is fantastic.
I feel such love
coming from this woman.

I can't tell you.
It's really...

I say this with all sincerity
from the bottom of my heart.

You're an incredible
human being and
a credit to your race.

Sondra, let me ask you
a question. What do you do?
Tell them what you do.

I'm a student.

Yeah? A student?
And what are you studying?

No. No, wait!
I got an instinct
for what a person is studying.

For exactly
what you'd be right for.

Dental hygienist!

(ALL LAUGHING)
Was I close?

No, I'm a journalism student.

You study journalism.
Well, if you...

Have you ever been
dematerialized before?

No.
No? Well, there's nothing
to be afraid of.

I'm just going to agitate
some of your molecules
and split them apart.

It's not gonna hurt.
I just ate.
Is this gonna make me...

You just ate.
She said she...

I'll do the jokes, Sondra.

Now, Sondra,
I'm going to ask you
to step into that box

and I'm gonna have
your molecules split up.
I'm gonna split 'em up.

It's gonna be very painless.
And I'm gonna put you
back together again.

Don't tickle me.

Tell them what
you just said to me.
You got to hear this.

Tell them what you said to me.

No, tell them, tell them.
(GIGGLES) No.

She said, "Don't tickle me."

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
God bless you, sweetheart.

You got
a fantastic sense of humor.

You know if more people
in the world
had a sense of humor,

we would not be
in the state we are in today.

I kid you not.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(TRITSCH-TRATSCH POLKA
PLAYING)

Get in the box.
Get in the box, Sondra.
Go ahead.

In the box. Go ahead.
Get in the box.
Get in the box. Hurry up.

I'm going to agitate
the molecules now.
Miss Sondra Mandelbaum.

Pransky.

Pransky, Mandelbaum.
What's the...

We take off
the same holidays.
Doesn't matter.

Get in the box, sweetheart,
and don't be scared.

You in there?

(GASPS)

You're a journalist, right?
Oh, my God.
What are you doing in here?

Aren't you
a journalist? Yeah?

I mean,
those are the vibrations
I've been concentrating on.

Are you ready, Sondra?

I'm Joe Strombel,
reporter, and I have
the scoop of the decade

about the Tarot Card
murder case.

I mean if it pans out,
it'll be fantastic.

It's got everything.
Big names,
murder, prostitution.

I'm going to start agitating
your molecules.

You're a journalist.
I've got some
information for you.

Big story.
Big, big, big scoop.

Peter Lyman...

Come on out, Sondra.
Come on out, sweetheart.
Come on out, sweetheart.

(STUTTERING) The trick's over.
It's over. It's over.

She's a little stunned.
She's never been on stage
before. So, you know...

She's a little stunned.

Are your molecules okay?
Is everything feeling good?

You all in shape?
You got all your parts?

That's fantastic.

Okay, Sondra, take your seat.
Go back to your seat.
Go back to your seat.

Go ahead. She's great.
Let's hear it for her.
She's great. Go ahead.

Go ahead.
Go back to your seat.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

Will you take out
the blue light, please?

(STUTTERING) 'Cause I'm
getting a completely

negative vibration
from the blue.

It's not right.

There's a lady
to see you, sir.

Hey, Mandelbaum!
From the school newspaper,
am I right?

No, Pransky.

Listen, I have to talk to you
about something very serious.

When you put me
inside that box...

(EXCLAIMS) I smell
a frivolous lawsuit here.

You going to tell me
you're getting headaches now
or something? Dizzy spells?

No. No. When you put me inside
that Chinese box...

Yeah, the dematerializer.

...a spirit materialized.

Uh-huh...

No, Mr. Splendini,
I'm very serious about this.

You can drop the Splendini.
My name is Sidney Waterman.

You know what I mean?
I just go exotic

to give the square haircuts
a little charisma
now and then.

Look, the spirit appeared
right next to me!

At first I thought
he was one of your stooges.

I don't work with stooges,
you know, because you gotta
pay them health benefits.

But then he told me
his name was Joe Strombel,

a journalist
from the land of the departed.

I couldn't believe it.

I'm a journalist,
he's a journalist.

I mean, our vibes
must have kind of
meshed together and...

You know,
he didn't say that,
in so many words,

but I'm putting
two and two together here.

Do me a favor,
put two and two together
someplace else,

because I'm very, very busy.
So, do you mind?

Listen, I Googled him, okay?
There is a Joe Strombel

and he died three days ago.
Uh-huh.

SONDRA: Just put me
back in the box.

Now, I'm going
to agitate the molecules,

so let me know
if anything happens,

you know, just keep me posted.
I'll be right here.

The molecules are whirling.

Mr. Strombel? Joe?

It's Sondra Pransky here.

I'm a journalist at Adair.
I know you may have been
aiming a little bit higher,

(CHUCKLES) but I assure you,
whatever I lack in experience,
I make up for in dedication.

I'm beginning
to lose patience, Sondra.

So, let's go.
Is there anybody
in there at all?

Nothing. Nothing yet.

Okay, that's it.
Finito. I've had it.

Come on, sweetheart.
And if I were you,

I would not tell this episode
to anyone else,

because they'll take away
your driver's license.

I don't understand.
What? What's to understand?

I thought that...
It's plywood.
I built it.

(STUTTERING)
What're you thinking,
there are spirits?

And there's
a world of departed people?

I don't know
what you've been smoking,

but don't try
and bring it through customs.

Darling,
I'm a little late.

Sweetheart, I love you.
You know that.

I say this
with all due respect, but...
I...

Sondra? Sondra?

Mr. Strombel.
Listen to me, Sondra.

Carefully. Listen to me, hmm?
Write this down.
This is a big story.

You got a pen?

STROMBEL: I only
have a minute.
Would you hurry?

Fine.

There's every reason
to believe that Peter Lyman...
You got that name?

Yes.
Peter Lyman.
Son of Lord Lyman,

a respected businessman, hmm?

Rich, good-looking,
very successful.

That Peter Lyman is
the Tarot Card Serial Killer.

Now, just
write this down.

If so, that he's murdered
a dozen women. Short-haired,
brunette prostitutes.

And if
it turns out to be Lyman,

this will be the biggest story
to hit London
since Jack the Ripper.

"Jack the Ripper."
Is that capitalized?

There's no knowing
where he'll strike next,

but more women
will be murdered
until he is stopped.

That's horrible!
We have to notify the police.

No, no.
What kind of reporter are you?

That would be a disaster!
God, no!

He's a respected millionaire.
You can't accuse anyone,

let alone someone like that
without substantial proof.

And once you've alerted him
to the suspicion...
That he is under suspicion,

then he'll be
impossible to trap.

(CHUCKLES) Not to mention
doubly dangerous.

There's also a possibility
that he poisoned his secretary

because he suspected that
she was learning the truth.

No, you have to
get the story first,

but first you have to
get the story right!

There's no certainty
in this, or...

I got a feeling
in my gut about this.

The kind
that journalists dream about.

And so far, no one else
has the information.

(CHUCKLES) Oh,
if I was around today,

I'd find a way
to get the facts

and break this case
wide open!

Now, believe me, Sondra.

You can wait your whole life
for a story like this.

Don't blow it.

And be careful.
Lives are in the balance.

Possibly, maybe yours.

Got to go. Got to go.

That's it for me.
You got to help me with this.

Not me, honey.
I'm a prestidigitator.

I do coin tricks
and card tricks.

And I'm a journalist
sitting on top of

one of the biggest
stories of all time!

Yeah. For a college paper!

Kid, you're in
over your head.

You know what you should do?
You should share this story.
Share it?

No!
I gotta dig up the facts

and then
I gotta shop it around
to every paper in town.

(MUTTERING)
Look at her.

Soon you'll be drinking
the black coffee

and smoking cigarettes
with the hat back.
Now, what kind of...

We don't have much time here.

I mean, we got to strike!
You know this guy's
a serial killer.

He could just kill
at any moment!

I heard that part.
That's when I knew
I was gonna make other plans.

You should go call the police.
That's what I'd do.

Yeah, and
what am I gonna tell them?

Tell them that...
Exactly what he told you.

That Lord Lyman's son,
Peter, is... He suspects
he's a serial killer.

Uh-huh, and when they ask me
where I got this
information from?

(STUTTERING) Well, tell them!
You know, just say,
you know tell them...

Just explain to them that...

You know, say that...
Tell them...

Where did you get
the information?

Was that the question
that you just asked?

I would not say anything
if I were you 'cause
they'll put you away.

(STUTTERING) That's exactly
what I'm saying.

I'm gonna say,
"I got this information
from a dead guy"?

Listen, this is not for me,
Sondra. I don't do this.

I do occasional bar mitzvahs
and kids' parties.

You know, you're
barking up the wrong tree.

Peter Lyman.
Who is Peter Lyman, you know?

How can we meet him?

How can we see
what we're dealing with here?

(SCOFFING)

What the hell are we doing
here? You don't even know
what the guy looks like.

That's why we're here.

I just couldn't get
a clear picture of him
on the Internet, so...

(STUTTERING) Jesus.
And what are we going to do
if we see him?

I mean, what
are you gonna learn
by looking at him?

Unless he
strangles a passerby.

I don't know, Sidney.
I'm improvising.

I should be home,
working on my magic.

Hey, why don't you
think about this

as adding
some excitement to your life?

Hey, sweetheart,
excitement in my life

is dinner
without heartburn after it.

Do you have a family?

I had a wife,
but she dumped me,
if you can believe that.

Somehow...

She thought I was immature
and that I never grew up.

Now, I had
a great rebuttal for her.

I could have nailed her,
you know,

but I raised my hand
and she would not call on me.

Sidney...
What?

That's him.

Let's follow him.

Follow? What do you
want to follow him for?

I'm telling you.
We need clues, we need a lead.
We gotta start someplace.

No, darling, I do not think
this is a good idea.

It's a very good idea.

Come on!

Be careful.

Hey, don't touch anything.

You know,
if you break something here,

you're gonna be washing dishes
the rest of your life.

(EXCLAIMS)

SID: Okay,
now you've seen him. Let's go.

Jerry! It's Jerry Burke,
Louis' chiropractor.

Hi.
Nice to see you.

That's how you follow a guy?
It's not even Peter Lyman!

I told you
the photos weren't clear.

Sweetheart,
you should live
and be well, prosper.

I hope... I say this
with all due respect.

But without me.

I'm tired, I'm bored,
I'm hungry, I'm going home.
God love you.

I'll look for your byline.
Sidney!

I'm about to become
your favorite person.
Why?

I ran into someone today
who said that Peter Lyman

swims at the Governor's Club
every day.

Really?
What's the Governor's Club?

It's this posh, private club,

but Daddy's partner's a member
and members are allowed
to bring guests.

Wow, do you think
I could bring someone?

I'm sure
Daddy can arrange it.
When do you want to go?

How can I help you?

Hi.
We're guests of the Fultons.

We're here to take a dip.

Oh, yes, yes. The lockers
are on the first floor.

The pool's downstairs.
Great.

By the way,
is Peter Lyman here,
by any chance?

Mr. Lyman.

Yes, came in
a few minutes ago.

What color bathing suit
does he have on?

Hey.

I... Do you want me
to clash with him?

So silly.

So do you swim?
Of course I don't swim.
You have to ask?

What? They say
it's the best form
of exercise.

Yes, but when
I go into the water,

my glasses, you know,
float off my head
into the pool.

Hey, Sidney,
that's got to be him.

Yeah, well,
make sure this time.

'Cause I don't want
to swim around after
another chiropractor.

Hmm, he's very handsome.

This guy is a serial killer
like I play for
the New York Jets.

How can we meet him?

(STUTTERING) I don't know.
They have a class system.

He's an aristocrat,
and, you know,
we're commoners.

In fact, according to his
system, I think we're probably
classified as scum.

This is our only chance.
He's all alone.

Well, you're
a pretty girl.

You know, I think you could
probably get this guy
to get interested in you.

Don't be silly.
Particularly if he's got
a twisted mind.

Look, I can't
just go up to him and say,
"Hi, how are you?"

I mean,
what if he gets suspicious,
or, you know,

if he gets put off, or...

Drown.

What?
Drown! Drown!
I'll go get... I'll go get...

(SCOFFS)
Listen to me!

I'll go get coffee.

Get a cramp,
go in the water,
flounder around,

you know. Yes!

Go ahead, sweetheart.
That's a great idea.

He'll be obliged
to save you that way.

And if he doesn't...
lf, you know...
Then I'll notify your parents.

SONDRA: (GASPS) Help!

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

Help!

(SONDRA GASPING)

(SONDRA COUGHING)
It's all right. Shh.

It's okay.
There you go.

Are you all right? Okay.

I'm sorry.

(COUGHING)
All right, here.
Here we are.

Here we are. You all right?
Thank you.

You okay?
Yes, thank you very much.

Sorry.
It's my pleasure.
Here, let me help you out.

(GRUNTS)

I'm not a very good swimmer.

(COUGHING)
It's all right.

My leg cramped.

Your leg?
Here, stretch it out.

Oh.
That's it.

Thank you.
No problem.

Listen, you should always
do a little stretching
before you go in.

You know,
that way you won't cramp.
Oh, thank you very much.

I haven't been swimming
in so long.

You're a new face.

Have you
just become a member?

Oh, no,
I'm a guest of the Fultons.

Oh, right, Jack Fulton.
Yes, lovely chap.

I'm Peter Lyman, by the way.
Hi, Son...

Sond...

Jade.

Jade Spence.

Jade Julliard Spence.

That's a very pretty name.
Thank you.

Yes, we're the Spences of...
Of Palm Beach.

Oh, not the same Spences
who own the shipping line?

No, no, no.

My father's into
silver and gold

and drilling.
Ah.

For wells.

What are you doing
in London?

I'm here visiting friends
in Holland Park.

Oh, good.
What do you do, Jade?

Well, I am an actress.

Oh, really?
Mmm-hmm.

Yes, actually
I'm up for the part of Desiree

in the new Mike Tinsley film.

Oh, well, you're certainly
beautiful enough.

(GIGGLING) Thank you.

Look, Jade,

if you're not busy,

my father's giving
a garden party
at the estate on Sunday

and I'd love you to come.

I'd be very happy
to be your date
and show you around.

The English countryside
is very lovely
this time of the year.

Sounds fantastic.
Good.

Do you mind
if I bring my father?

Your father?

Oh, look!
There he is right now.

Ah.

I was in the lounge.
I heard you drowning.

I finished my tea and scones
and came immediately.

SONDRA: Dad,
this is Peter Lyman,

who was nice enough
to rescue me.

Dad?

Yes, of course, child!

She cannot swim.
The girl cannot swim.

Like a lead weight,
she sinks to the bottom
all the time.

It's a family trait.
Lack of buoyancy, or...
Her siblings have it as well.

Yes, well, listen,
pleasure to meet you,
Mr. Spence, right?

Yes.

Yes, and I'll see you
on Sunday at the estate.

Oh, great.
Sunday? What's Sunday?
Not a fox hunt?

(CHUCKLING)
No. No, Dad.
I'll explain it to you later.

Listen, I'll leave
all the information
at the desk, all right?

Hey, come, child.

What kind of idiot are you?
Not a fox hunt?

I'd like
to talk to these people
in their own terms.

And, oh,
thanks for telling him
I'm your father.

Oh, incidentally, he thinks
my name is Jade Spence,

so that makes you
Mr. Spence.

Wait a minute, I... This is
too tricky. I don't want to
go ahead with this.

Why? What's wrong with you?
Your whole life is deception.
You're a magician.

Yes, I'm a magician
and I want to stay a magician.
Can I have a Coke please?

I don't want to get sued
or deported

or arrested
for stalking somebody.

This is a big guy
you're dealing with.

This is a big story,
no kidding.
That's what Joe Strombel said.

That's why he returned,
you know. This is
his last big scoop.

Hey. What do I care
about Joe Strombel?

Suddenly I'm taking direction
from a hunk of ectoplasm?

This could be
very big for my career.

Your career's fine.
You're on the college Bugle,
or whatever it is.

You got years for scoops.

You know what?
Forget you, all right.

I'll do this on my own.
I don't need you.
Go back to your card tricks.

I didn't say
I wouldn't help you.

You know, I just...
It has to be done properly.

You know, we gotta
put our heads together.

If we put
our heads together,
you'll hear a hollow noise.

Look at this place.
All it's missing is a moat.

Ooh! Hey,
I could get used to this.

Look at this.

SONDRA: Oh, there he is.
Remember, Jade Spence.

Jade...
Jade, who?

(MUMBLING)

Ah.
PETER: There you are.

Hello.
How are you? Welcome,
Mr. Spence and Jade.

Mr. Spence.

You look stunning. Stunning.
Oh, thank you.
It's beautiful here.

Thank you. Thank you. Yes.

It's been in the family
for years. About 400 years.

It's a little stuffy
for my taste, but...
Oh.

She said,
"All that's missing
is a moat."

Right.
(CHUCKLES) I love that.
I love the moat line.

"All that's missing
is a moat." Beautiful.
Ah, this is my father.

Father, Stephen Lyman,
this is... These are
my friends from America

I was telling you about.
Oh, Lord Lyman.

Jade Spence, Mr. Spence.

How are you?
Hello.

Curtsey, curtsey, curtsey,
curtsey, curtsey, curtsey,
I've never met a Lord before.

How exciting!

No, but there was
that Earl that we...
There was that Earl.

I do hope
you're enjoying yourself.

Peter, why don't you
show them around?

Absolutely.
Would you like that?

Oh, it...
Charmed, I'm sure.

Should we hit
the buffet table first though?

No, Dad.
Because the stuff
looks great.

Remember,
we wanted to look around.

(CHUCKLING)
Yes, of course, of course,
blessed offspring.

Why don't we get a drink
and then we'll start inside?

SONDRA: Oh, okay.
Come.

Yes, I love this room here.
We often spend
evenings in here.

The English countryside!

It's elegant,
yet understated. I like that.

You've done wonders
with the place.

(CHUCKLES)
It brings to mind Trollope.

Oh, do you enjoy
reading Trollope, too?

No, no, not the author.
This was a girl I knew.

Well, come. Let's go upstairs
and have a look at the view.

Oh.

Would you quit fooling around!
What's wrong with you?

Try to pick up clues,
try to remember things.
I'm charming him.

I remember. I got
a mnemonic system that I use.

I use images, it's a trick.
Uh-huh, yeah.

Say I want to remember
this ashtray.

I think of, like, 50 ashtrays
dancing on a desert island
in hula skirts or something

and then I remember.
I can call it
to mind whenever I...

Where are you going?

This is
one of the drawing rooms.

Wow, this is
really beautiful, isn't it?

Oh, here we have...
This is my great-grandfather.

There's grandfather
and his wife, Lady Hayden.

Reminds me of
the portrait of Aunt Hillary
in the library, no?

Game woman, Hillary.
Suffragette, I believe.
Yeah. Diphtheria took her.

Or perhaps it was elm blight.

Come on, Dad.

SONDRA: Oh,
this is just beautiful. Wow.

Yes. I love the lake.
Do either of you fish?

No, no, never have.
Oh, I'll have to teach you.

I've taken some salmon,
you know. Organic.

Yes, me, too.
I fly fish a little. But...

So, Jade, do you
enjoy concerts?

I'm very big
on the Philharmonic.

We sponsor, in fact.

I used to play the violin,
very, very badly.

But I have a number of...
Well, actually quite a large
musical collection.

Do you play an instrument,
either of you?

Because we have
these lovely music gatherings.

I do. Yes, I play the...

(GRUNTS)

Various classics,
you know, Noel Coward
and Shakespeare and...

Right.
We gave her piano lessons
when she was a little girl,

but her fingers
were just too stubby. So...

Yes, what about you,
Mr. Spence?

Well, I play the blues harp.

It's a little metal thing
you put in your mouth

and makes a twanging sound.
Very musical.
Yes, yes.

Used to be called
the Jew's harp, but you know
how those people are.

The slightest hint
of anti-Semitism
and they write letters.

I would love it if you could
teach me how to fly fish.
That would be great.

Oh, it would be my pleasure.

Okay, I want you to
watch me very closely. Pay
very strict attention here.

Now I want you
to take a card.

Take any card you like.
You got it?

Go ahead, sweetheart. Take it.
You got it?
Mmm-hmm.

Now put it
in your pocketbook.
Put the card...

She's gonna put the card
in her pocketbook.

You got it? All right,
now tell everybody
what the card was.

It was the six of hearts.
Six of hearts.

Can I ask you a question?

Was it
this six of hearts?

But I just put that
in my bag.

Well, check your card.
Check your card.

It's amazing!

You're
a wonderful sport, Claire.

I mean that sincerely.
God bless you.

You're a very sweet woman,
and this has been
a great group.

From the bottom of my heart,
I say this with
all due respect.

You're a wonderful... A credit
to your race and a
magnificent group of people.

You know,
I must find out who
does the hedges here.

Back home,
my topiary moose

is starting
to look a little shabby
around the antlers.

(LAUGHING) What do you do,
Mr. Spence?

(STUTTERING) Me?
I'm in real estate.

I'm sorry, I'm in oil!
I'm in oil.

(STUTTERING) I was in
real estate,

but, you know, land is
so difficult to come by now,
especially outdoors.

It's become a problem.

Incidentally,
I accept your invitation.

I will play poker
this weekend.

Now that I've seen
how good you are
at cards, can we trust you?

(LAUGHING)

Tell me about yourself, Peter.
This is all so new to me.

Well, what would you
like to know?

Well, I don't know.
Anything you'd care to reveal.

You know, your hopes,
your dreams.

Well, I come
from a privileged family,
as I'm sure you can tell.

It was always
decided one day
I would enter politics.

My hobbies are polo
and... Oh, I own
some racehorses.

Hmm.
So, how's that for a start?

(CHUCKLES)
And what are
your hopes and dreams?

I like to dance
and visit museums

and, oh,
I can cook Chinese food.
Ah.

If you know any good
Chinese restaurants...

Oh, I've gotten very
interested in New Age
phenomena recently.

Like what?

You know,
mystical things like

astrology and crystals
and Tarot.
Mmm-hmm.

Do you know anything
about Tarot cards?

Not really.
I'm more scientific-minded.

I find that if...

What are you staring at?

Hmm? Oh.

You have wonderful enamel.

(CHUCKLING) Thank you.
Thank you.

You know, I'd love to take
you dancing one night.
I'm a good dancer.

Oh, I would love that.
That would be great.

Can I confess something?

Sure.

I just love
an American accent,

and I find
much of what you say
very amusing.

Oh.

I'll take that
as a compliment.

And since you like
Chinese food,

I'm gonna have
my new secretary

send you a list
of the great ones in town.

Oh, you have a new secretary?
Oh, yes.

Yes, I'm breaking in
someone new.

My previous secretary died,
a young woman, just very
suddenly of a blood clot.

It was awful.

Did they do an autopsy?

How did we
get on to this morbid subject?

So, you've never seen
a real English garden before?

Come.
I have a couple of treasures.

Would I offend you
if I told you something?
Probably not.

You're very...
Very different from
the women I usually meet.

Hmm.

That's a good thing.

Well, I just can't seem to get
the vision of you in your
swimsuit out of my mind.

Oh, I'm glad you liked it.

It was marked down.

(CHUCKLES) See, that...
Now that's exactly
what I mean.

You just have this very direct
and informal way about you.

It's...
You take after your father.
Mmm-hmm. Great.

And you have
a very sensual quality.

It's... But I'm sure
you've been told that.

Wow. You work really fast.

Oh, God. Am I
overbearingly aggressive?
I'll stop.

Oh, no, don't!

You just
were getting warmed up.

Are you romantic by nature?

I mean, I won't say,
"Do you believe in
love at first sight?"

Because that's
a cliché but...

Have you ever had
an experience

where a bell goes off
just right away?

(LAUGHS) Sorry.
I need those.

You see,
I can't wear contacts.

I don't like
to put my finger
on my eyeball.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Well, goodbye. We must meet
for tea and crumpets again.

WOMAN: We really must.

Ta-ta!

I could have strangled you
if you didn't shut up!

And stop telling people
I sprang from your loins.

I'm trying to cement the fact
that I'm your father!

That guy was so fantastic.
I can't imagine
he'd do anything bad.

This guy
is not a serial killer,
believe me.

I'd be very surprised
if he even killed one person.

He asked me to go dancing
next week.

That's a perfect strategy!
You worm your way in
like a rodent or a roach

and as the crumbs
fall off the table,

you collect them and
we analyze them. Aha! Voilà!
Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Look at this. Look at this.
Look what I got.
"Betty G."

Yeah.
What is this?

It's a doodle.
He doodled it!

How do you know
he doodled it? How do
you know this is his?

What do you mean,
how do I know it's his?

I stole it out of
his overnight bag.

What the hell
is wrong with you, Sidney?

It's a clue!
It's not a clue.

We're hard up for clues.
It's not a clue.

What does it mean?
It could be his aunt,
it could be his travel agent.

I'm late for dinner. You want
to come in and eat something?
No.

(CHUCKLES) No, thank you.

Take a seat right over there.

(MEN CHATTERING)

MAN 1: Okay.

Peter called.
He's going to be late.
He said to start without him.

Oh, well, come on
then, let's play.
That's what we're here for.

Okay.

MAN 2: Come on,
short, little guy.

You're out?
This is it?

MAN 3: Anybody else?

You're still in?

So sorry, old chaps.
I was completely
bogged down at the office.

Okay.

All right, who's winning?

Mr. Spence
is a good poker player, Peter.

Yes, I might have known.

Actually,
I bought my first Reuben's
with poker winnings.

You bought a Rubens painting?

Not a painting.
A sandwich.

I could use a drink.

He asked me
if I believed in love
at first sight.

(EXCLAIMS)
How sweet is that?
So naive.

Well, I hope
you told him yes.

I told him
we had nothing in common.

We come from
completely different
backgrounds.

I think
he likes that or something.

But what about the story
you're writing on him?
What is that all about?

Sondra?

"Mary Thompson,
a short-haired brunette,

"was strangled
at Falconberg Place
last night at 9:30."

"Next to the body
of the short-haired
brunette prostitute,

"was the hangman card
from the Tarot deck."

Hey, what time did you say
Peter arrived at the
poker game last night?

If you're asking me,
did he have time
to strangle somebody

and make the card game,
yes, he had plenty of time.

I got to let
my feelings subside

and probe deeper
into this case.

What does that mean?

Well, it means that we know
where his family lives,
we know his social circle,

but we don't know
what his house looks like.
I want to get a look at that.

PETER: Here we are.

Wow.
This is really nice.
Thank you. Yes.

Do you do
a lot of entertaining?

I'm embarrassed
to say that I do.

You must think
I'm an empty socialite.
Much of it's political.

Oh, no.
I think you're swell.

SONDRA:
That's a lovely painting.

Oh, I recognize that
from my art history books.

PETER: Oh, really?
Yes. Henry Moore.

In fact, it was a present
from Henry Moore to my father.

Oh, it's very beautiful.
Is it Roman, or Greek,
or something like that?

It's Roman, in fact.
Second century A.D.

You have good taste.

I think you'll like
what's downstairs.

The real treasures.
Come.
Oh.

(SECURITY SYSTEM BEEPING)

Here we are.

Oh.

These are all of
my instruments. The room
is climate controlled, it's

to protect
all these beautiful pieces.

It's fantastic.
Thank you. Thank you.

Yes, my family's been
collecting it for years.

This is a Guarneri.
And a Stradivarius.
You may have heard of them.

Oh, you play these violins?
Oh, me? God, no. No, no.

But we lend them out.
They need to be played.

All these old instruments,
it's very romantic.

Shall I show you upstairs?
Okay.

(ALL CHEERING)

SID: (STUTTERING)
What's your name, sweetheart?
Tell me your name.

I'm Wendy Beamish.

Wendy... Let's hear it
for Wendy Beamish.

Fantastic. I love you, Wendy.
I really do.

Is it your first time
on stage?
Yes. Yes.

I love this woman
from the bottom of my heart.
I mean that sincerely.

You're an incredible woman
and I say that
with all due respect, Wendy.

Wendy, have you ever been
dematerialized before?
No, I haven't.

Ever had your
molecules broken up?
No, no, I've haven't.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
She's nervous.
Don't be nervous, sweetheart.

This is not gonna hurt much.

Get into the box.
Get into the dematerializer.

Are you in there?
You comfortable?
I'm fine.

Okay, okay, stay calm.
Stay calm.

Can you hear me, Wendy?
You feel the molecules
evaporating?

Let me hear from you, honey!

Remember these numbers.
16, 21, 12.
What?

16, 21, 12.

16, 21, 12.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Sixteen,
16 blue horses.

Twenty-one jet planes.

(STUTTERING) And 12 midgets.
12 spinning midgets.

PETER: That was as great
as I imagined it would be.

You look beautiful.

And pensive.

SONDRA: No, not pensive.

Just confused.

Women after lovemaking,
it's always so complicated.

Hey, I love your aftershave.
What is it?
It's Yardley.

I first used it when I was 16
and never changed.
I'm a very loyal soul.

Come here.
Do you have to put them on?

Well, they're quite sexy.
God, what makes
you smell so sweet?

Oh, you like it?

Just some fragrance.

Right.

Where are you going?
I have an idea.

I think it's time to celebrate
with some champagne.

I want you to stay.
I make a mean scrambled egg.

(GIGGLES)
Stay.

PETER: That's my mother.

Oh, she's very attractive.

Yes, she was very beautiful,
but quite difficult.

Difficult?
How?

Unfaithful.

Say, can you please stay?
Nothing would
please me more. Come on.

I really can't.
Oh, why not?

(STUTTERING) My father.
He's feeling not that great.

Nothing serious?
No, no, nothing.

Just a tooth problem.

You know,
a little sensitivity
in lower seven.

I really should go.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Oh. So, let me
get back to the story.

(STUTTERING) I'm on stage.
I'm doing the
dematerializer trick

with this chick
from Manchester.

I don't know
where they get these people,

but she looked like
Sitting Bull.

And I got her in the thing,
and I vanish her

and everything
goes according to plan
exactly and she's gone.

And suddenly,
Strombel appears.
What?

Yes, Strombel's in there!
I got a tremendous hand
from the audience.

I wish
I could do it every night!

What did he say?

He gave me
the combination to a safe.

What safe, I have no idea.

I didn't see any safe.

Well, did you
accomplish anything besides
maybe a possible pregnancy?

I'll tell you what I did see.

His mother, Lady Eleanor,
has short-cut, brunette hair.

(STUTTERING) Yeah,
but not a hooker?

No, Sidney,
she's not a hooker!

I hardly think so.
She's practically royalty.

Christ,
you amaze me sometimes.
Your brain!

(STUTTERING)
Back off. You know,
you're getting so upset.

I'm just trying
to figure out
the various ramifications.

I just don't like
this whole thing!

I feel disgusting,
all right, it's awful.

I don't like
the whole process.

Yeah, you want to think
he's innocent.

What's so bad about that, huh?

Jesus, this guy
must be some lover, you know.

I mean, all of a sudden
you're ready to dump
the whole story.

I must find out
what breakfast cereal he eats.

What am I talking about?
There's a combination
on the door

where he keeps his precious
musical instruments.

Okay,
so there is a combination!

I just got
to get in that room.

Do you have the combination?

We're not gonna break
into his room if that's
what you're thinking.

You gotta have the com...
I got to get in there.
No, no.

No, no, we're not
going to do this because
it's not legal... You...

Sondra, what's wrong with you?

This guy is
the son of a Lord!

They'll take us to
the Tower of London
and behead us!

Hi.
VIVIAN: Guess what?

What?
Peter Lyman sent you flowers.

I assume your name
is Jade Spence?

Naturally I accepted for you.

Yeah, I'm Jade Spence.

What is going on?
Oh, Vivian...

Oh,

Peter's giving a party
on Saturday and
he wants me to come.

I... Oh, I guess
I'll have to buy a dress.

Well, he certainly
seems smitten with you.

If he's smitten with anyone,
it's Jade Spence.

Who is Jade Spence?

A would-be
investigative reporter

who's falling in love
with the object
of her investigation.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Of course we did.
Absolutely.

God bless you, sir.
I'm going to show you
a little thing.

I want you
to think of a card. Just think
of one of those cards.

Any one you want.
You got it?

All right, now, are you
happening to be thinking
of the seven of spades?

That's amazing!
How do you do that?
Just a little hobby of mine.

You know, I wish
I had more time to practice,

but, what with my oil wells,
you know, I never
get around to it.

Your daughter's
very beautiful.

You met my daughter?
Yes.

Yes, we're very proud of her.
She's a lovely girl.
Overcame a great handicap.

Yeah. You know, she was
learning disabled.

Her mother and I took
her to many specialists,
you know.

Now she's practically normal,
you know.

She's a charmer.

God bless you, sweetheart.
What is your sign?
I'm an Aquarian.

You're Aquarian?
And what is your persuasion?

Do you mean my religion?
Yeah, your persuasion.

I'm a Christian. What are you?
Yes, are you?

(STUTTERING)
Me, I was born into
the Hebrew persuasion,

but, when I got older,
I converted to narcissism.

Dad?
Hmm?

Dad, I need
to talk to you right now.

Oh, I was just about
to pull some quarters
out of Mrs. Quincy's nose.

Right now.
I need to talk to you.

Really?
Yep.

Excuse me. I'll...

Where?

Would you stop doing
those nitwit tricks?

What is wrong with you?
You're supposed to be
a dignified businessman.

I told them it was a hobby.
The hobby of a rich merchant.

You know, so...

Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me.

Go down the stairs,
open the music room door.
I'll keep Peter busy.

I'll meet you down there
in a minute. You brought
the combination, right?

No, I left it
in my other jacket.

What?
Yes. And...

So, what are we gonna do?
You gotta go home
and get it then.

I can't get it
because the other
jacket's in the cleaners.

Sidney.
This is the problem
having a limited wardrobe.

But not to worry.

I have a mnemonic system.
I remember everything.

There you are. Mr. Spence,
trust you're having
a good time?

(STUTTERING) Yes,
a great time! This
reminds me of our party.

We threw a masked ball in
Palm Beach this year,
it was wonderful.

I came as a harlequin.
She dressed as Petunia Pig.

Honey, there's something
I wanted to ask you about.
Absolutely.

That was a mask, wasn't it?
Just... I love her.
Just a minute, okay?

Do you need a drink,
Mr. Spence?
No, I'm fine, thank you.

(STAMMERING) It's eight

blue horses.
No, no, no.

It's 10.
Ten spinning midgets.

No, it's 12.
Twelve jet planes
and eight... No.

(ALL CHATTERING)

Good to see you.
Have a nice time.
Nice to meet you.

Calm down, calm down.
It was... It was...

It was...

(STUTTERING)
Eight maids a-milking

and three French hens.

No, no.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Sixteen, wait, 20 jet planes,

12 spinning midgets.

(CHUCKLING) Eureka!

(LOCK BEEPING)

I'll be right back.
I'm just gonna
use the bathroom.

Sidney?

(THUMPING)
Sidney, is that you?

SID: I'm locked in!
Oh, Christ...
What's the combination?

For some reason,
it's gone out of my mind.

(SIGHS)

Did you see Miss Spence?

I thought I saw her
going downstairs.
Downstairs, right.

(STUTTERING) It's
16 blue horses.

It's 21 jet planes.

And 12 midgets.

Twelve spinning midgets.

(LOCK BEEPING)

Oh, thank God!

I thought
I was gonna turn out to be
one of those skeletons

people find
when they sell the house.
Check the door.

Sixteen, 21, 12.
You couldn't remember
that number?

My mnemonic system failed me.
What do you want me to say?

Now exactly
what are we looking for
in here? This is all...

I'm not really sure.

You're not sure?

Well, you know,
don't break anything.

By God, we'll get caught
and God knows.

Hey, you know
the old dirty joke

about how
the French horn player
sleeps with his wife at night?

Sidney,
put that thing down!

Will you excuse me?

There's nothing
but musical instruments
in here.

I'm telling you,
we're on a wild goose chase.
Believe me.

PETER: Jade?
What's the matter?

Did you hear that?

I thought I heard something.
Oh, come on, come on.
Let's get out of here.

All we need
is to get caught in here.

Jade?

Ah, there you are.
I was searching for you.

The guests
will be leaving soon.

Yes, well, I was
just showing Father around.
He loves English homes.

Yes, I was very impressed
with your cellar.

I have
a wonderful cellar myself.

No wine,
but it's rodent free.

PETER: (CHUCKLING) Well,
let's get a drink.

Please, Mr. Spence,
I haven't seen you
with a drink all night.

Can you stay the night,
please?
What?

Come on.
No, I can't.

Why not?
My father.

Oh, come on, I'll have
my driver take him home.

No.
I can't let you go.
You're too beautiful.

(MOANING)
Look at you. I can't.

(SIGHING)

Jade?

SONDRA: Oh.
Jade.

Jade, it's 4:00 a.m.

What are you doing?

I couldn't sleep,

so I thought
maybe some milk.

Hmm.

Jade, can I ask you something?
Mmm-hmm.

Would you consider
not going home at the end
of the summer?

SID: I don't understand,
what more proof do you need?

What are you gonna tell
the police?

The guy
owns a deck of Tarot cards.
That's not a crime.

I mean, what, he was late
for a poker game?

I'm sure he's smart enough
to have an alibi.

What are we left with?
His mother has
short-cut, brunette hair.

I mean, look,
if we blow the whistle
on this guy...

I know. I understand.
...and he's innocent
and we can't make the story...

Then he realizes
that you're, you know,

you're a pushy little phony
who's been playing him
for a sucker

and he dumps you,
you know. I get it.

All right. All I'm saying,
is that in order to make
an accusation,

we gotta have proof.

Especially
about Lord Lyman's son.

You don't make an accusation.

We can phone in
an anonymous tip.

You know how many crank tips
the papers say the police get?

You're gonna phone one in
on Peter Lyman!

They'll hang up on you
mid-sentence.

Besides,
if the story's true,

I want to be the one
to break it.

You know
what Joe Strombel said?

He said,
"Get it first,
but first get it right."

Happy birthday.

Wow, thank you.

What's up?
You look so sullen.

No, I'm not. I just...

I get sad around birthdays.

Oh, yes, well,
I can understand that,

but I think we're both
still young enough
to enjoy the gifts.

Come on, open it.

Okay.

Oh, wow, it's beautiful.

You like it?
I love it.

Good. Here, allow me.

Gosh.

You shouldn't have.

I wanted to.

Hey, hey,
are you crying?
No, I'm too tough to cry.

Oh.

Though my nasal passages
do become congested
when I'm sad.

Oh, don't be sad.
It's your birthday. Hmm?

Oh, I wish I could
celebrate with you tonight.

I just have to go out of town
for a few days.

Really?

Yes, I just have
some business to take care of.

But we'll celebrate
when I get back, all right?
Okay.

Thank you so much
for the present.
It's beautiful.

I'll think about you
whenever I wear it.

(CHUCKLES)

You didn't tell me
it was your birthday!

I'll take you
for a magnificent dinner.

We'll go
to a great restaurant.
Really?

(STUTTERING) Do you enjoy
the McNuggets thing?

What about Indian food?
Do you like spicy food?

No, no, it's okay.

I don't really have
much of an appetite.

But you will when
they bring out the prawns
in hydrochloric acid.

It's fantastic, Sondra.

What's the matter?

What,
are you thinking of Peter?
No.

I don't know, it's just...

I wouldn't be surprised
if he asked me to marry him
one day, you know?

You come
from an Orthodox family.

Would they accept
a serial killer?

That's an expensive present.

The Lymans are so wealthy.
Yes.

It was almost
too extravagant.

I'd better get ready.
I still haven't found
my millionaire yet.

(SIGHS)

Oh, God, Sondra, what a mess!

It's starting to add up
against him.

Bits and scraps
are coming together.

God, it's you!

I sensed
you were falling in love.
I escaped again.

It's just circumstantial junk,
you know. A coincidence
here and there.

Too much smoke
not to be fire.

Look, I'm sure
you've been wrong
plenty of times.

Not wrong here.

Though I agree
you haven't got enough
to pull the trigger yet.

If you act prematurely,
not only does he walk,

your professional credibility
is wrecked,
sometimes for good.

Oh, I'm sure you want him
to be guilty.

You know, that way you get
your last big scoop.

I'm beginning to fade.

Sondra, don't let me down!

I wish you'd fade for good!

Get out of my life!

I'm not
cut out for this.

I should be
flossing molars for a living.

The bread is... You know,
I can make a meal
just with the bread.

I can do a whole meal,
just nothing but bread.

If I ate that much bread,
I'd be 20 pounds heavier.

See,
I never gain an ounce,

because, you know,
my anxiety acts like aerobics.

So I get the exercise.

Thanks for taking me out
for my birthday, Sidney.

Well, you know,
you're the daughter
that I never had.

Oh, that's so...
No, no, I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

'Cause I never wanted
to have kids.

I didn't.
Because you have kids,
what is it?

You know, you're nice
to them, you bring
them up, you suffer,

you take care of them

and then they grow up
and they accuse you
of having Alzheimer's.

Could you
ever live in London?

Could I live
in London? No.

And I love London.
Don't get me wrong,
I love London,

but, you know,

apart from
the language problem,
I can't take the driving.

Because it, you know,
it's on the wrong side,
and I...

Every time
I drive a car here,

I'm convinced
I'm going to die in a crash.

Sidney!

What's the matter?

It's Peter.

You said
Peter was out of town.

Well, that's
what he told me.

Come on.

What do you mean, come on?

(STUTTERING)
I ordered prawns.

Just pay, all right?
Just pay.

What do you mean, pay?
All I do is...

Fine, it's her birthday.

Come on.

Maybe he's got
another woman on the side,

and he likes you,
but he's sexually
attracted to her.

Thanks, Sidney.

Well, why doesn't he have
his chauffeur?

I don't know,
whatever he's doing,
he must want it to be secret.

Oh, I told you
he went the other way!

Can we go home, please?

It's starting to rain.

(GROANS) I can't believe
he lied to me.

Maybe he's doing
something that he's ashamed
to tell you about.

Maybe he belongs to
one of those clubs, or he's
a cross-dresser or something.

Or maybe
he does folk dancing.

Oh, I'm sure
it's probably something
that when he tells me,

I'll just feel foolish
for thinking he lied.

I'm sure. You know,
not everything in
this world is sinister.

You know,
just practically everything.

(GROANS) That Indian food
made me sick.

You hardly touched
your cobra salad.
How can you be sick?

WOMAN: (SCREAMING) Help!

A woman's been strangled!

Help!
A woman's been strangled!
Help, call the police!

MAN: Somebody call the police!
There's been a murder!

WOMAN 2: There's been
a murder upstairs.

WOMAN 1: Help!

MAN: Have you got a phone?
Have you got a phone?
Call the police.

Could it be the Tarot Killer?
They found a Tarot card.
It's him.

I can't believe it!
She lives in this building.

It's him again.
They found the Tarot card.

Elizabeth Gibson,
another short-haired brunette.

(SIGHS) We should have
gone to the police earlier.

Well, you know...
You said that they
wouldn't believe us

and they may not.

Sidney, it's about time
we show my story to
a real newspaperman.

By real, you mean what?

One that's living.

Vivian's father has a friend
that works at The Observer.

Well, it's very vivid
and rather shocking,

and there are some
genuine circumstantial
bits of evidence.

But let me give you a lesson
in professional journalism.

No newspaper should
or would ever run this story.

What? Why?

It would be
fatally irresponsible
and libelous.

All you have here
are a number
of titillating speculations.

Flamboyant theories that
tarnish a man, and a
well-known figure at that,

without a single shred
of substantial proof.

So his mother
was a short-haired brunette.

So he came late
for a poker game

and said he was going away
on a business trip
and he got caught lying.

Yes, but who keeps
a Tarot deck under
a French horn?

It's not against the law
to own a Tarot deck,
or keep it wherever you like.

You'd look
pretty foolish in court
with your accusations,

and that's
where you'll wind up.

Because he'd have no choice
but to sue you
and the newspaper,

and he'd win.

And to go to the police?

I'll come to that.

But first let me
continue my tedious
professorial lecture.

Vivian's dad and I
go way back.

He said you were
a journalism student.

Hmm.

You talk about getting a tip.

Okay, you won't
disclose your source,

but what you have done
is let your imagination
run wild.

No, no.

What if I told you
that my source happened
to be a certain Joe Strombel?

The late Joe Strombel?
Yep.

You mean, before he died
he gave a student reporter

a major story
and didn't follow
it up himself?

We didn't say
it was before he died.

What?
No, it...

He got the story
before he died,

and then he died
before he could follow it up.

(CHUCKLES) Well,
why did he give it to you?
He didn't know he was dying.

I don't buy it.

I knew Joe Strombel well.

If he'd had a tip
that he considered reliable,

he would certainly
have pursued it himself,

from the grave,
if necessary.

What about how Peter
was in the neighborhood

the night
the murder was committed?

(CLEARS THROAT)

I realize as a student
how exciting it must have been

to think that you were onto
something so spectacular.

Hey, she is onto something!

This kid is a bloodhound.
Look at her!

She could sell the story
to any tabloid in town.

Hmm.

Now that I've preached
on the realities
of accurate reporting,

I want to tell you
how catastrophic
for everybody involved

it would have been
if you had, say, taken

the results
of your investigation
to a tabloid.

Today, the police
have apprehended
the Tarot Card Serial Killer.

And it most assuredly
is not Peter Lyman.

What?

Every paper in town
is going to press
with it as we speak.

It was a handyman
named Henry Banks
who has confessed.

Banks is a delusional paranoid
who's given Scotland Yard

information
that only the killer
could possibly know.

He's led the police
to two additional bodies

and his DNA
and a fingerprint
they found check out.

I know
this puts a crimp
in your scoop,

but Henry Banks is
the Tarot Card Serial Killer.

Not Lord Lyman's son.

Well, I can't say
I'm not walking on air.

Oh, Jesus, If I ever catch
that Joe Strombel,
I'll kill him.

I only hope
Peter forgives me
for what I've done.

For what?

I lied to him.
I'm not Jade Spence.

I'm a pushy,
duplicitous, ambitious
college student.

I lied to him,
over and over.

Darling, he lied to you, too,
so it's even.

His lies pale in comparison
to the enormity
of what I've done.

So marry him
as Jade Spence.
Don't tell him.

(STUTTERING) You know,
you don't have to be
Sondra Pransky ever again.

Marry him as Jade Spence.

Yeah, but I don't want to
have to get you a
Father's Day gift every year.

You know, I don't know how to
break this to you, honey,
but you were adopted. Okay?

Your mother and I,
we were at the orphanage,

we wanted
a handicapped child, and...

Ah, finally.
Just you and I all weekend.

Yeah.

I thought you'd like it here.

It's lovely.
Mmm-hmm.

Peter?
Yes.

I have
a confession to make.
Oh, God, so do I.

Oh, well, let me go first.

Actually, no,
let me, please,

because mine's
been bothering me all day.

I just want
to get it off my chest.

When I told you I was
going away for a few days
on business,

I was lying.

I know.
You know? How?

Oh, I saw you.
You saw me? No.

I was at dinner, and...
With your father?

Actually...
Well, anyway,
it doesn't matter. Really.

The truth is,
that a company my father owns

is about to merge
with a company
in the Middle East.

It's a very
sensitive situation,

and the less
anyone knows about it,
the better.

And we just didn't want
the press to sniff it out.

I mean,
that's no excuse, really.

I'm just very sorry
for the extreme secrecy.

No, no, no, it's fine.
I'm glad.

It's your own
secret information.
That's fine.

So your father took you out
for a birthday dinner

and you saw me.
I mean, how unnerving.

God, I mean, the thing
I hate most in the world
is lying.

Uh-huh.

What?

Peter...
Yes, Jade?

Peter...

Oh, yes.
What did you want to tell me?

Uh...

Jade, there's nothing
you can tell me that...

My name is not Jade Spence.

It's not?

No. It's Sondra Pransky.

And my father
is not my father.
His name is Sidney Waterman.

He's a magician
called Splendini.

I'm a journalism student.

Don't ask me
what kind of crazy
misinformation we received

to believe you might be
the Tarot Card Killer.

(STUTTERING) I mean,
I didn't know you
at this time. Remember?

And, of course,
as soon as I got to know you,

I knew that
it couldn't possibly be true.

And the police have him now,
so everything's fine.

Of course,
along the route
I fell for you,

and now
I totally blew it, and...

Who told you this?

Oh, a newspaperman.
He's now deceased.

Very foolish.
He was eager
for his last scoop.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I just

totally understand
if you never want to
speak to me again

or if you
don't want to see me...
Miss Pransky.

Not only am I
not angry with you, but you...

(LAUGHS) You've
absolutely made my day!
What?

Just suspecting
that I could be such
an imaginative,

dramatic fiend.
I love it.

You do?
Yes.

I think it's one of the
funniest, craziest things
I've ever heard in my life.

I can't wait
to tell the chaps
at the club.

(CHUCKLING)
Peter?

Yes, darling.

I have to ask you something.
Yes, anything. Absolutely.

Why did you hide
that Tarot deck
in your music room?

How do you
know about that?

I was so paranoid. I...
It's crazy.

But I snuck in.
Oh, dear, it was going to be
a surprise.

I bought them for you.
They're Victorian Tarot cards.

You told me
you were into
that kind of thing.

What? Oh...
It was gonna be
a gift for you.

Oh, you're so...
I feel like such an idiot!

Darling, no, no, no,
never mind, never mind.
What a shame.

Let's forget about it.
No...

Huh? Let's just...

Now that we've confessed
our sins, let's move on
with our lives, huh?

Really?
Yeah. I want to hear
all about the real you.

And I assure you in advance,
I'll love it.

(MOANING) Oh, God,

you snuck into
my music room, did you?

So the reason
why he was skulking around,

was 'cause he had
this private family business

which is too delicate
to discuss, actually.

Sorry, I don't buy it.

What?
The man
is a liar and a murderer.

And I say that
with all due respect.

Sidney.
Child, I know
what I'm talking about.

Don't call me that, all right?

Do you remember
when we were out
on the estate,

I found a clue,
you thought I was nuts?

I thought you were nuts
so many times I can't
recall the exact one.

Do you remember this?
Do you remember this
little item? This clue?

Yes, Betty G.
Yes, Betty G.

Now, I checked
all the girls
that were murdered.

The one that was killed
the night we saw Peter
on the street, was named

(CLEARS THROAT)
Elizabeth Gibson.

So?

So Betty
is short for Elizabeth
a lot of times.

Oh, come on, Sidney.
That's a real stretch.
You're reaching now.

Look, supposing you wanted
to rub somebody out
and not get caught.

Nobody wants
to get caught, Sidney.

Look,

he wants to get rid of
Elizabeth Gibson.
Betty Gibson. Betty Gibson.

So, there's
a series of murders

with a guy that's got
a real style. A Tarot card.

They said
he was a total maniac.

He buys a Tarot deck
and let's say he hides it.

Hypothetically,
he hides it, let's say,
in a music room.

Let's say he hides it in,
let's say, a French horn.
Oh, Sidney.

In a French horn!
I'm losing patience with you.

I'm not saying the guy
did all the murders.

I'm saying that he just did
Elizabeth Gibson,

then folded it into the series
of the Tarot Killer
so he wouldn't get caught.

Henry Banks
confessed to all the murders.

Henry Banks is deranged!
He hallucinates!

My God.

Henry... And you know
those guys like to brag
when they get caught.

Henry Banks, you know...

Where are you going? The cops
will dump every unsolved
murder on Henry Banks.

They haven't
caught anybody in years.

Peter wouldn't hurt a fly.
Oh, really?

What about a fly who speaks?

What?
Yes.

Why would Peter
kill a prostitute?

Because it looks terrible
on his resume.

Who knows what kind of
sordid life this guy has?

Have you
completely lost your mind?
What is wrong with you?

Peter being
blackmailed by a prostitute?
It's ridiculous.

What are you putting
in your Metamucil?

You know...
Where are you going?

You don't understand!
It would kill his reputation!

Oh, can you bring
the water out?

(MUTTERING)

Can I say one thing?
Can I just tell you one thing?

Joe Strombel
would not agree with you.

I don't want to talk about
Joe Strombel, all right?

Even a great reporter
can be wrong.

But he's not wrong.

Blackmail.
I see it all over.

You are a cynical
crapehanger

who always sees the glass
half-empty!

No, you're wrong.
I see the glass half-full,
but of poison.

And you're gonna wind up
drinking it!

You don't know anything.
You don't have a reporter's
instincts, okay?

You're some guy
who vanishes silk
handkerchiefs

and cuts
people's neckties off.

Do everybody a favor.
Go back to your card tricks,
all right?

Did you tell her?

I did. I told her.

And I made it seem
as though it all suddenly
just came to me.

I know I'm right.

She just won't listen to me.
She hates me.

Yeah. I...
You know,

sometimes, I got to say,
I worry about that girl.

I don't think
I'll be seeing you anymore.

Well, if there's a scoop
to be had here,

she's going
to get it for you.

You can only cheat death
so many times,

and I've used
every trick I know.

You look after her.
She's a decent kid.

And check
his Tarot deck.
See if a card's missing.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

I'm a reporter.

I'm doing a story
on Elizabeth Gibson,
and I know she lived here.

I didn't know her.
I hardly ever saw her
come and go. She was quiet.

All right.

I knew
what she did for a living.

But whether she used to
entertain her clients here,
or not, I couldn't say.

(HUMMING)

(STUTTERING) Oh,
excuse me. I'm a reporter.

And I'm doing a story

(CLEARS THROAT)
About Elizabeth Gibson.

If there's any comments,
anything you know
about her that I...

What paper?
What paper are you from?
The Washington Post.

I'm one of the top reporters
on the...

Did you see
All the President's Men?
I was the short guy.

(BOTH STUTTERING)

Why is an American paper
interested in this?

No, no, we are, we are.
We're doing a big story.

The Travel and Leisure section
is doing a big spread

on places
to avoid like the plague.

And so, I'm...

I'll make it
very worth your while,
you know and...

All right, all right,
all right. I knew
Betty Gibson.

Mmm-hmm,
and she was very tough.

But I don't think
that she deserved to die.

Did you say Betty Gibson?

Everyone called her Betty.
That was her name.

Really?
And did you know any
of her clients at all?

(SCOFFS)

I mean, she knew
millions of men, didn't she?
She was very sexy.

You know.
Not that you'd know
that from those pictures.

She used to be a really
pretty baby-faced blonde.

You know,
the sort men go nuts for.

A blonde? But in the paper...
The pictures in the paper...

Oh, no, I know, I know.

She made the mistake
of cutting it off
and dyeing it black.

God knows why.

Maybe it's to please
one of her regulars.

She had steady clients?

Well, yeah, one for sure.

Look, these guys
never use their
real names, okay?

But there was
this one rich kid
that she saw a lot.

And his name was Peter.

Peter what?

Peter...
Peter Yardley. Peter Yardley?

Yardley. Yardley.

Hello?
Hello, this is Mr. Spence.

(STUTTERING) Sid.
Sid Waterman Spence.

This is Sid Waterman Spence.
Where have I called?

Oh, hello, Sidney.
It's Peter Lyman.

Sondra and I
are spending the weekend
at my father's country house.

You could have come.

That's okay. She gave me
this number to call.
May I speak with her?

Yes, one second.

Hi, Sidney.

Listen,
I got a treasure trove
of information here.

I just was snooping with...

On Elizabeth Gibson.

She's called Betty. Betty!
She's called Betty.

And she had some kind of
a long relationship...

A special relationship
with some young guy, Peter.

The last name
doesn't click,
but I'm sure it's the same.

This is crazy.

Look, stop making trouble,
Sidney. The case is closed.

Listen, this thing adds up.

You're alone up there with
a very, very dangerous man.

That's two verys.

You got to get back to town
right away.

Sidney, if I thought there was
a shred of proof,

I would never let
my personal feelings
get involved, all right?

The truth is,
I'm crazy about the guy.

I can't keep obsessing
over tantalizing
conspiracy theories.

You know, I'm sure
that he killed her

and made it look
like a Tarot killing.

You know,
you don't see it because
you got stars in your eyes.

Look, I don't...
This is crazy! I don't want
to talk about this anymore.

It's too upsetting for me,
all right?

Let me have my nice weekend.

I'll talk to you
when I get back.

Stop putting
these paranoid thoughts
in my head!

Is Sidney okay?
Yes, yes.

You know, I love Sidney,
I really do,

but he's just...
He's got a part missing,
you know, he's crazy!

Yes, really?
Mmm-hmm.

Like what?

We'll talk about it later.

Let me change, okay?
Mmm-Hmm.

Yes? Oh, yes, sir.

Yes. My daughter
is in the country
with Mr. Lyman.

And I'm gonna
be driving up there later
and she asked me

if I could pick up her red
cashmere sweater. She thinks
she left it upstairs.

Red cashmere?

Yes, it's a red sweater.
It's a kind of a red,
tomato red,

like a fire engine.
A red. A rouge.

I understand, sir. Red.
Yes, yes.

I'll see if I can find it.

Sir?

(STUTTERING) Oh, I was just
checking out the Stradivarius.

I play a few pieces myself
on the violin. Prokofiev
and Bartok, the Hot Canary...

But Mr. Lyman is the
only person to have the
combination to that room.

Yes, but he wanted
to share it with me
because, you know,

in case something happened,

you know,
life is very capricious.

A stroke, a sudden embolism
or lightning...
You know I...

Darling, I love you.
I mean that sincerely.

You're a wonderful woman,
you're a tremendous servant
and a credit to your race.

And I mean that. From
the bottom of my heart
I say that to you.

I notice you didn't
get the red sweater.

She probably left it
in another bedroom.

You know,
she's got a little problem
with promiscuity.

But...

So, I'll be going.
I'll call you.
We'll have lunch.

Mr. Lyman, sir, Mr. Spence
has been here and he's
been into the music room.

What do you mean?

A most unusual
sequence of events.

Mr. Spence came by
looking for his
daughter's sweater.

Said she'd requested it.

Next thing I knew,
he was in the music room.

Sir, I think
he'd been drinking,
from his behavior.

Yes, yes.

Yes. Okay, Margaret,
thank you. Goodbye.

Is everything okay?

Yes.
Yes, it will be.

It's so nice
to be out here with you,
just away

from the rest of the world
and...
Hmm.

Yes, I often
come out here to read and,
well, and fish.

There's trout in the lake.

What are you thinking about?

You really want to know?
Yes.

Just how ironic life is,
and tragic.

Why?

Well, that I met you
by rescuing you from drowning

and found you
totally enchanting

and now we've come full cycle
and, alas, you're going
to have to drown.

What?

Oh, I imagine by now
Sidney's confirmed
that I killed Betty Gibson.

I mean, in my own defense,
there really was
no other way out.

At first I managed
to hide my identity from her,

but I saw her too many times
over the years

and she learned who I was,
and...

Well, it became
a constant demand for money

and I just
could not let that go on,
could I?

I mean, my whole life
and career

would be
just hostage to her
moods at all times.

So, I studied
the Tarot case,

I rehearsed my plan,
and, well, you know the rest.

If you do something to me,
Sidney's gonna find out!

He'll tell someone.

No, no, no.
You see, you will go
in a boating accident,

and Sidney will go
later tonight.

No one knows
of your relationship with him,

because, after all,
you're not actually father
and daughter, are you?

And no one will think twice
to investigate the death
of some obscure vaud...

Are you listening?

No one will think twice
to investigate the death

of some obscure vaudevillian
called Splendini, who is
really a stranger to me.

Help!

Help! Someone help me!

(CHUCKLES)

Yes, very quiet, isn't it?

This is the advantage
of a private lake.

Get off me!
Get off me!

(GRUNTS)

Get off me!
Come...

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CRASHING)

(GLASS SHATTERING)

(PANTING)

(FEIGNING CRYING)
Yes, police.

Yes, this is Peter Lyman.
I need the police immediately.

At the Lyman estate.

There's been
a terrible boating accident.
A woman has drowned.

It's awful.
Please come right away.

Thank you. Thank you.

(SIGHS)

They think they know
where the body is.

I'm so sorry, sir.

When last I saw her,
she...

She just said she wanted
to go out there to
communicate with nature.

Just to think
she wanted some
peace and quiet and...

She wasn't depressed,
or anything like that,
was she, sir?

God, no. No.

I mean, unless she was
keeping it from me.

You heard no cries for help?

No! No,
I was listening to music
in here, damn it.

(SIGHS) It's just so ironic.

Because the way
I first met her

I rescued her
from drowning
in our club pool.

And she was a very,
very weak swimmer.

SONDRA: Hello?

I was faking it at the pool
to get your attention.

Actually, I used to be
captain of the Brooklyn
Community Swim Team.

Fascinating observation.

Lyman lost a cufflink
at the flat of a prostitute,

who was later killed
by the Tarot Card Killer.

Well, this upright chap
certainly enjoyed patronizing
some dodgy women.

Unfortunately
for Elizabeth Gibson,
she elected to blackmail him.

It's a beautifully
written story

and one of the best bits
of investigative journalism
in a long time.

And this paper
is proud to run it.

Oh, I have to
share the credit
with Joe Strombel.

An inspiration,

who taught me more
than I could ever
explain to anyone.

And to the late
Sidney Waterman.

Splendini.

A nice guy who helped out
with the investigation

and without whom
I never could have made it.

Sidney, wherever you are,

I'll never forget you.

WOMAN: How did you get here?

Me?

I couldn't get used to driving
on the goddamn wrong
side of the street!

(STUTTERING) You know,
I was driving up
to the country,

and in the United States,
I would have been a hero.
I would have saved her.

I would have...

But here, you know...
That's the one drawback
of living in London.

Granted, the theater's better,
there's many good
Indian restaurants.

Well, what did you do?

What do I do?
I'm Splendini. Magician.

(EXCLAIMS)

Would you like
to see something?
Oh, yes, please.

Do we have time
for a card trick?
Yes.

I believe we have eternity.

I'm going to show you
a little trick now.

I just want to say
from the bottom of my heart,
I mean this sincerely...

I say this
with all due respect.

You are a wonderful group and
a fantastic group of people.

I love you and I feel that
coming back from you.

And you may be deceased,
but you should not
be discouraged.

Because, you know...

Don't think of being dead
as a handicap.

You know,
when I was a child,
I stuttered.

But with stick-to-it-iveness
and perseverance,

you know, you can never tell
what could happen.

Now, I want you
to take a card, Alma.

Go ahead,
take any card you want.

Just pick it. Pick it.
Go ahead, sweetheart.

I love you, sweetheart.
That's fantastic.