Scent of a Woman (1992) - full transcript

I wish you wouldn't
do that around me.
It's so filthy!

Don't give me a problem
about the cigarettes.
It's such a filthy habit.

Oh, my God!

Look at this.

Oh, Jesus.
This is so appalling.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe
they gave it to him.

Ah, this is pathetic.

Now he's a loser
with a Jaguar.

Seriously,
who did he have to blow
to get that thing?

Good morning, sir.
Mr. Willis.



It's really a...

Mr. Trask!

Quite a piece
of machinery.

Good morning, Havemeyer.
Morning to you, sir.

Bene!

Bene?
Bene! Fabulous!

What's fabulous?

That fine piece of steel
you have back there.

Ah, you don't think
I deserve it.

No, sir.
On the contrary.

I think
it's great.

Why should the
headmaster of Baird
be seen putt-putting

around in some junker?

In fact, I think the
board of trustees have had



their first true stroke
of inspiration in some time.

Well, thank you,
Havemeyer.

I'll take that at face value.

I'd expect
nothing less, sir.

Have a good day.

Morning,
Mrs. Hunsaker.
Good morning.

What have we here,
Murderer's Row?

What was that about?

Nothing. Just saying hello.

I like to say hello
to Headmaster Trask.

Sugarbush. Lift tickets
and condo vouchers.

I thought we were
going to Stowe.

Sugarbush
is Stowe, Jimmy.

This year we're
doing it right.

Thanksgiving in Vermont,
Christmas in Switzerland...

Christmas in Gstaad
is gonna cost us...
"Staad."

The "G" is silent.

"Staad." George?

"Staad."
Trent?

"Staad," man.
So what about Staad?

Fine. The "G" may
be silent,

but it's gonna take at least
three grand to get there.

I'll have to talk
to my father.

Better yet,
have my father
talk to your father.

Or my father
talk to your father.

You going home
this weekend, Chas?

I don't know.

You going home
to fuckin' Idaho
for Thanksgiving?

I'm from Oregon.

I meant
fuckin' Oregon.

Charlie, how do you
feel about skiing?

You in the mood for
the white-bosomed
slopes of Vermont?

Got a deal going.

20% off for
my friends.

My father set it up.

Christmas
in Switzerland.

Staad.
Gstaad.
Dropping the "G" is phony.

You said
everybody
says "Staad."

Not if you've
been there.

Easter in Bermuda,
then Kentucky Derby
weekend.

We could fit
you in, kid.

Well, how much are
these white-bosomed
slopes of Vermont?

1,200.

Includes a nine-course,
champagne
Thanksgiving dinner.

$1,200 is a little rich
for my blood, Harry.

Well, how short
are you?

How short, Harry?

So short it wouldn't be
worth the trouble
of you and George to measure.

But thanks for askin',
all right?

Mmm-hmm.

If you change
your mind...

What'd you do that for?
You know he's on aid.

On major
holidays, Willis,

it's customary
for the lord of the manor

to offer drippings
to the poor.

You're so
full of shit!

Hi. Mrs. Rossi?

Yes?

I'm here about
the weekend job.

Come on in.

Does he got pimples?
He hates pimples.

Francine, be quiet.

Pimples.
Pimples. Yeah.

Shush!

I'm sorry. The school
gave me your name,
but I've forgotten it.

It's Charlie Simms.

How are you,
Charlie?
Fine, thanks.

Right this way.

You're available
the whole weekend?

Yeah.

Not going home
for Thanksgiving?
No.

Good.

They put him in
a veteran's home,
but he hated it,

so I told my dad
that we'd take him.

Before you go in,
do you mind my
telling you a few things?

Don't "sir" him
and don't ask him
too many questions.

And if he
staggers a little
when he gets up,

don't pay
any attention.

Charlie,
I can tell you're
the right person for the job.

And Uncle Frank's
gonna like you a lot, too.

Where you gonna be
this weekend?

We're driving to Albany.

Donny, my husband,
has family there.

Do you want
Tommy in or out?

Leave him out!

He's chasing that
Calico ginch from
the track houses again!

Down deep, the man
is a lump of sugar.

Sir?

Don't call me sir.

I'm sorry.

I mean mister, sir.

Uh-oh, we got a moron here,
is that it?

No, mister...

That is...

Lieutenant.
Yes, sir...

Lieutenant Colonel.

Twenty-six years on the line,
nobody ever busted me
four grades before.

Get in here,
you idiot!

Come a little closer.
I wanna get a
better look at you.

How's your skin, son?

My skin, sir?

Oh, for
Christ's sake.

I'm sorry, I don...
Just call me Frank.

Call me Mr. Slade.

Call me Colonel,
if you must. Just don't
call me sir.

All right, Colonel.

Simms, Charles.

A senior.

You on
student aid, Simms?

Yes, I am.

For "student aid"
read "crook."

Your father
peddles car telephones
at a 300% markup.

Your mother works
on heavy commission
in a camera store.

Graduated to it
from espresso machines.

What are you, dying of
some wasting disease?

No, I'm right...
I'm right here.

I know exactly where
your body is.

What I'm lookin' for
is some
indication of a brain.

Too much football
without a helmet?

Hah! Lyndon's line
on Gerry Ford.

Deputy Debriefer, Paris,
Peace Talks, '66.

Snagged the Silver Star
and a silver bar.
Threw me into G-2.

G-2?

Intelligence,
of which you have none.

Where you from?

Gresham, Oregon,

Colonel.

What does your daddy do
in Gresham, Oregon?

Hmm?
Count wood chips?

My stepfather and my mom
run a convenience store.

How convenient.
What time they open?

5:00 a.m.

Close?

1:00 a.m.

Hard workers.

You got me all
misty-eyed!

So, what are you doing here
in this sparrow-fart town?

I attend Baird.

Attend Baird!

I know you go
to the Baird school.

Point is,
how do you afford it,

even with the student aid
and the folks back home
hustlin' corn nuts?

I won a Young American
merit scholarship.

Hoo-ah!

Glory, glory
Hallelujah

Glory, glory
Hallelujah

Who's there?

That little
piece of tail?

Get her outta here!

Yeah.

Can't believe
they're my blood.

IQ of sloths and
the manners of banshees.

He's a mechanic,
she's a homemaker.

He knows as much about cars
as a beauty queen,

and she bakes cookies,
taste like wing nuts.

As for the tots,
they're twits.

How's your skin, son?
I like my aides
to be presentable.

Well, I...

I've had a few zits.

But my roommate,
he lent me his Clinique

because he's from
Chestnut Hill
and he's got...

"The History of My Skin,"
by Charles Simms.

You patronizing me,
peewee? Hmm?

You givin' me
that old prep school
palaver?

Baird School!

A bunch of runny-nosed
snots in tweed jackets

all studyin'
to be George Bush.

Well...

I believe President Bush
went to Andover, Colonel.

You sharpshootin'
me, punk?

Is that what
you're doin'?

Don't you
sharpshoot me.

You'll give me 40.

Then you're gonna give me
40 more.

Then you're gonna
pull K.P.,
the grease pit!

I'll rub your nose
in enlisted men's crud

till you don't
know which end is up!

You understand?

Yeah.

What do you want?

What do you mean,
what do I want?

What do you want here?

I want a job.

A job!

Yeah, I want a job
so I can make, you know,

my plane fare home
for Christmas.

Oh, God,
you're touching!

They used to waltz on the banks

Of the mighty Mississippi

Loving the whole
night through

Till the riverboat gambler

Went off to make a killin'

And bring it on back to you

Still here, poormouth?

Hmm?

Convenience store,

my ass!

Hustlin' jalapeno dips
to the appleseeds.

Go on.

Dismissed.

Dismissed!

Evangeline

Evangeline

Mrs. Rossi?

Charlie, we're up here!
Come on up.

This is Donny.
Hey, Charlie.

Hi.

Mrs. Rossi, I got
the feelin' I screwed up.

Oh, you couldn't have.

It was a
bad interview.

That was no interview,
Charlie. You're it.

You're the only
one that showed up.
You have to take the job.

He sleeps a lot. You can
watch television,
call your girlfriend.

I promise you,
an easy 300 bucks.

I don't get
an easy feeling.

His bark is worse
than his bite.

He was a great soldier,
a real hero.

The man grows on you.

By Sunday night,
you'll be best friends.

Charlie, please.

I want to get
away with my husband
for a few days,

and Uncle Frank
won't come with us.

Six months ago,
he could sometimes tell
light from dark,

but now there's nothing.

I just feel better
having someone else
around just in case.

Please?

Okay, Mrs. Rossi.

Sure.

Thank you, Charlie.

Come here, you.

There you go.

Chas. Chas, hold up.

How you doin'?
I'm good.

That's great.

This can't go out.
This is on reserve.

Here's the thing.

I need the book tonight

for a Thanksgiving quiz
with big-shit Preston
in the morning.

Yeah, I know.
That's why he
put it on reserve.

This is our only copy.

Chas, I'm pullin'
an all-nighter.

Without that book
I'm dead, okay?

If it's not back
by 7:30, it's gonna
be my ass.

Oh, I promise.
I promise.

Got it?
Yeah.

Just a second.
I gotta lock up.

Okay.

God, can you wait
to get out of this
dump or what?

Where you guys
going skiing again?
Sugarloaf or...

It's bush, Chas,
Sugarbush.

That's my boys.

What are you doin'?

Keep your voice down!

I'll tell you about it
in the morning.

What...

Mrs. Hunsaker,
have a nice day?

George, why
all the noise?

It's Hunsaker! Go! Go!

I was just
messin' around with Chas.

Good evening, Charles.

Hi, Mrs. Hunsaker.

What was that?
I don't know, ma'am.

Who were
those boys?

Oh, who knows?
What were they doing?

Charles?

Um...

Did you make this
scarf yourself?

No, George,
I bought it.

'Cause it's a beauty.
It really is.
Thank you, George.

In case I don't
see you before
the Thanksgiving holidays,

why don't you give me
one of your big hugs?

Oh, George!
Please?

Good evening, boys.
Come on.

Goodbye,
Mrs. Hunsaker.

Mr. Trask is our
fearless leader,

a man of learning,
a voracious reader.

He could recite the lliad
in ancient Greek

while fishing for trout
in a rippling creek.

Endowed with wisdom,
of judgment sound,

nevertheless about him
the questions abound.

How does Mr. Trask
make such wonderful deals?

Why did the trustees
buy him Jaguar wheels?

He wasn't conniving.

He wasn't crass.

He merely
puckered his lips

and kissed their ass!

Come on.

Come on.

One more.

One more, come on!

Fuck you!

Mr. Simms, Mr. Willis.

Hmm.

Mrs. Hunsaker says
that you gentlemen

were at a vantage
point last night

to observe who was
responsible for this

stunt.

Who was it?

I really couldn't
tell you, sir.

I thought I saw
someone fooling
with the lamppost,

but by the time
I pulled focus,
they were gone.

Mr. Simms?

I couldn't say.

That automobile
is not just a
possession of mine.

That automobile was
presented to me by
the board of trustees.

It is a symbol of
the standard of
excellence

for which this
school is known,

and I will not
have it tarnished.

The automobile?

The standard,
Mr. Willis.

What's your position,
Mr. Simms?

On what, sir?

On preserving the
reputation of Baird.

I'm for Baird.

Then, who did it?

I really
couldn't say for sure.

Very well.

First thing Monday,
I'm convening
a special session

of the student-faculty
disciplinary committee.

As this is a matter
which concerns
the whole school,

the entire student body
will be present.

There will be
no classes,
no activities.

Nothing will
transpire at
this institution

until that proceeding
is concluded.

And if, at that time,
we are no further
along than we are now,

I will expel you both.

Mr. Willis,
would you excuse us?

Have a nice Thanksgiving.

Thank you.
You, too, Mr. Willis.

I will.

Mr. Simms,

I'm not quite through
with you yet.

One of the few perks
of this office is that

I am empowered to handle
certain matters on
my own as I see fit.

Do you understand?

Yes, sir.
Good.

The Dean of
Admissions at Harvard
and I have an arrangement.

Along with the usual
sheaf of applicants
submitted by Baird,

of which virtually

two-thirds are
guaranteed admittance,

I add one name,

somebody who's a standout
and yet underprivileged.

A student who
cannot afford to pay

the board and
tuition in Cambridge.

Do you know on whose behalf
I drafted a memo this year?

No, sir.

You.

You, Mr. Simms.

Now can you tell me
who did it?

No, sir, I can't.

You take the weekend
to think about it, Mr. Simms.

Good afternoon.

What'd he say?

Nothin'.
What do you
mean, nothing?

He said the
same thing.

He just said
it over.

You know what
he's doing?

He's good-cop,
bad-coppin' us.

He knows I'm old guard.
You're fringe.

He's gonna bear down on me
and soft-soap you.

Did he try to
soft-soap you?

Did he?

No.

Chas, I detect a slight
panic pulse from you.
Are you panicking?

Yeah, a little.

Come on.
You're on
scholarship, right?

Yeah.

You're on scholarship
from Oregon at Baird.

You're a long way
from home, Chas.

What's that got
to do with anything?

I don't know how
it works out there.

But how it
works here?

We stick together.

It's us against them,
no matter what.

We don't cover our ass.

We don't tell our parents.

Stonewall everybody!

And above all,

never, ever

leave any of us
twisting in the wind.

And that's it.

What does that have
to do with me being
on scholarship?

Hey, hey.

I'm just tryin' to
bring you up to speed,
kid, that's it.

Thanks.

I'll tell you what.
Give me a few hours
to figure out the moves,

and call me tonight
in Vermont.

I'll be at
the Sugarbush lodge,
all right?

All right.

You all right?

Yeah, I guess so.

Okay.

Try to keep him down
to four drinks a day.

If you can keep
him down to 40,
you're doin' good.

We try to water
them down a little.
Do you know how to do that?

It's a long ride,
honey.

Get the bags in the car.
I'll be right out.

Mommy, Mommy,
don't forget
Uncle Frank's walk.

Oh, yeah.

You have to air him
out a little every day.

Why don't you
go on back there,
get yourself oriented?

I'll come out in a minute,
give you telephone
numbers and stuff.

Well, I wouldn't
try a thing like that

unless I knew, would I?

Just let me
speak to her.

Hello, beautiful.
Is that you?

Yeah,
we spoke yesterday.

You have a glass
of wine with lunch?

You sound
a little dusky. Hmm.

Just a minute,
sweetheart.

You're back, huh?

Tenacious!

Get out my dress blues.
They're in a garment bag
in the closet.

Check the
top dresser drawer.

Take out
the shoulder boards

and affix them,
shoulders
right and left,

ASAP. That means now.

Hello.

Sorry to keep you
waiting, sweetheart.

I'm not the kind of guy
who likes to rush things,

but I'm catchin'
a 4:00 at Logan,
I'm lookin' out my window,

and there's
not a taxi in sight.

What happened
to Chet?

He didn't invest
in a radio yet?

Hah! Well,
get your driver on it.

Tell him to get
a move on.

Yes. Mmm.

Some kind of body
has got to go with
that bedroom voice.

One day I'm gonna swing by,
get a better look at it.

You bet.

Bye.

My Valpak's
underneath the bed.

Get it out.

Put the boards
on the blues
and fold 'em in.

Are we going
someplace, Colonel?

What business is
that of yours?

Don't shrug, imbecile.
I'm blind.

Save your body language
for the bimbi.

Now, get my gear out.

Francine, get in the car.

It's almost 3:00.
The goddamn Flintstones
haven't left yet.

Willie Rossi
must go in the car.

Here comes
Mrs. Rossi now.

Damn it!

She said goodbye to me
three times today.

What has she got,
separation anxiety?

Cut her off
at the door.

Hi, honey.
Bye, honey.

I wish you were
coming with us.

Me, too.

Maybe next time.

Drive carefully now.

Yeah.

Charlie, this is
where we'll be.

Good luck, Charlie.
Don't let him
drink too much.

See you, Charlie.

And no 000 numbers.
He loves to talk dirty.

All right,
let's get to work.

L- buckles
givin' you trouble?

Never in the
Boy Scouts, sluggo?

I made Tenderfoot.

Tenderfoot,
my foot!

Convenience store
mama's boy.

Here. Let me
take a look
at that.

Touch me again,
I'll kill you,
you little son of a bitch!

I touch you.

Understand?

My shoulder boards are
in the top dresser drawer.
Get them, son.

The epaulets with
the silver oak leaf.

Are these the...

Good.
Taxi come yet?

Colonel,
where are we going?

Where are we going?

Freak show central.

Where's that?
New York City.

That's in New York, son.

New York State.

Mrs. Rossi didn't say
anything to me
about going anywhere.

She forgot.

Should we call her,
'cause I...

You kidding me?

Call her? By the time
they get to Albany

in that Hupmobile
he drives

it'll be opening day
at Saratoga.

Colonel, I can't go
to New York City.

Why not?

New York...

New York's too
much responsibility.

Ah, responsibility!

I had a lot
of 17-year-olds
in my first platoon.

I took care of them.
All set!

How do I look?

Tickets. Money.

Speech.

Old Washington joke
from my days with Lyndon.

I knew I could
count on transportation.

Are you ready?

This is not Panmunjom.
A simple yes will do.

Um...
Good! Here you go.

Come on!
Hop to, son!

You're in front of me.
Let's go.

Tomster,
come here, boy.

Come on.

Here, Tomster, come on.

Tomster, Tomster. Yeah.

Remember, when in doubt,

fuck.

Good afternoon, sir.
Where's our destination?

Our destination
New York City,
home of the brave!

We got two for
the shuttle
to New York.

I'm not shuttling anywhere.
Look at those tickets.
First class.

Yes, sir,
first class.

Colonel,
you bought me
a ticket?

I never said I'd
go to New York.

What are you,
some kind of
chicken-shit,

sticks to job
description only?

Gate 46, sir.

As you were, son.

Thank you, sir.

Which way's the door?

Are you blind?
Are you blind?

Of course not.

Then why do you keep grabbin'
my goddamn arm?

I take your arm.

I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry.

How would you know,
watchin' MTV all your life?

Gentlemen?
Yeah!

Jack Daniels.
You bet.

And Diet Slice.

The old Diet Slice.

And a water.

Thank you,
Daphne.
Certainly, sir.

Mmm!
How did you
know her name?

Well, she's
wearin' Floris.

That's an
English cologne.

But her voice is
California chickie.

Now, California chickie
bucking for English lady.

I call her Daphne.

Oh, big things may
happen to that
little thing of yours.

Look, Colonel,

I'll get you to New York,
all right?
Uh-huh.

Then I'm gonna have
to turn around and come back.

Well, Chuck,
you gotta do
what you gotta do.

Charlie, all right?

Or Charles.

Sorry.
I can't blame you, though.

Chuck is a...

So, why are we
going to New York?

All information will be given
on a need-to-know basis.

Hoo-ah!

Where's Daphne?
Let's get her down here.

She's in the back.

A tail's in the tail.

Hah!

Oh, but I still smell her.

Women.

What can you say?

Who made 'em?

God must have been
a fuckin' genius.

The hair...

They say the hair
is everything, you know.

Have you ever
buried your nose
in a mountain of curis

and just wanted
to go to sleep forever?

Or lips,

and when they touched,
yours were like

that first swallow of wine

after you just crossed
the desert.

Tits!

Hoo-ah.

Big ones, little ones,

nipples staring
right out at you

like secret searchlights.

Mmm.

And legs...

I don't care if
they're Greek columns

or secondhand Steinways.

What's between 'em,

passport to heaven.

I need a drink.

Yes, Mr. Simms,

there's only two syllables
in this whole wide
world worth hearing.

Pussy.

Hah!

Are you listening to me, son?
I'm givin' you pearis here.

I guess you
really like women.

Oh, above all things!

A very, very
distant second

is a Ferrari.

Charlie?

Give me your hand.

This is just the start
of your education, son.

Hoo-ah.

Where are we?

Where are we, eh?

The cynosure of
all things civilized.

The Waldorf-Astoria.

The last time I
was here, Charlie,
was with a G-2 from Brussels.

Had a Ferrari.

Every day I
held the door open
for the fucker.

Never even
offered me a ride.

Well, fuck him.

He's dead and I'm blind.

Spread the word.

Thank you, sir.

And the intelligence
will be forthcoming?

Sir?

On the
escort scene.

Yes, sir.

And welcome to
the Waldorf.

Gracias, amigo.

Puerto Ricans.

Always made
the best infantrymen.

Oh!

I'm home again.

Give me an inventory
on this, will you?

All right, where am I,
in Asia?

He told me the phone
was on the other side
of the room, didn't he?

By the windows?

It's right here.

Okay.

We're in business.

Get me the Oak Room.

How's that inventory
comin'?

There's Jim Beam

and Early Times.

Quartermaster's
on the take again.

Hello. Is Sheldon
or Mack there?

This is Lieutenant
Colonel Frank Slade.

I used to be a regular.
I used to come in
with a General Garbisch.

Yes, that's
probably because he's at
Arlington, six feet under.

Listen up.
I want a table for two,
and I don't mean Siberia,

15.

Clear them little
bottles off.

And when I get
off the phone,
call up Hyman.

Tell him I want it
wall to wall
with John Daniels.

Don't you mean
Jack Daniels?

He may be Jack to you, son.
But when you've known him
as long as I have...

That's a joke. Hello!

This is Lieutenant
Colonel Frank Slade.
I would like a limo,

00.

What are you drinkin'?

Nothing, thanks.
I don't use it.

What's useful about it?

I don't know.
Listen, Colonel,
I have to get going.

Where you goin'?

Back to school.
I've got some real

important stuff I
have to take care of.

Very well.

But I never let
my aides leave
on an empty stomach.

You'll dine with me
and then my driver
will transport you

to the airport for
the Boston shuttle
departing at 2200 hours.

Meanwhile,
unpack my bag.

I'm gonna christen
the latrine.

What's your name,
driver?

Manny, sir.

Manny. The bellhops
at the Waldorf,

are they any good
at getting escorts?

I wouldn't know, sir.

What would you know?

About what?

About you-know-what?

Maybe I could
manage something.

I'm talkin'
top of the line, now.

Let me think
about this, sir.

What's the matter
with you?

With me?

Yeah. Car feels heavy.
You know why?

You got the fuckin'
weight of the world
on your shoulders.

I got a little problem
at school, that's all.

Spit it out!

It's not a big deal,
all right?

Where we going,
the Oak Room
or somethin'?

If it's not a big deal,
why did you say
real important stuff?

What are you doin',
banging the dean's daughter?

Hah!

I'm just in
a little trouble.

What kind of trouble?

I saw some guys
doing something.

To tell or not to tell,
or it's your ass.

Hmm?

How'd you know that?

I'm a wizard.
Give me the details,
come on.

There's this guy
at school named Harry.

He's this
real rich kid,

and he like,
runs the show.

Who else?

There's another guy, George,
but George didn't do anything.

George and I saw
Harry and his buddies
doin' somethin'.

Now, the folks at Baird,

they know you and George
can identify
the guilty parties?

Yeah, they think we can.

George is
a friend of yours.

He's not a friend,
but he's all right.

You trust him?

Yeah, I guess so.

He's on
scholarship, too?

No, why?

We got George,
we got Harry,
we got trouble.

They're rich, you're poor.
You wanna get rich.

You wanna graduate Baird,
become a rich
big shot like them.

Am I right?
No.

It's not that
way at all.

Okay, Charlie!

Here we are, gentlemen,
the Oak Room.

The Oak Room!

Bring us a menu and
double Jack Daniels
on the rocks.

Charlie, sit down here.

Perhaps you'll feel more
comfortable in this, sir.

You look great!

Thank you.

Here we are, Charlie,
the Oak Room.

Now, read me
the bill of fare.

Let's see.

You got the Oak Room
burger and fries for $24.

Where's the booze?

Flowin' like
mud around here.

A $24 hamburger?

What's the story?

What story?

Are you a rich
miser or something?

Hah!

No, I'm just
your average blind man.

Your average
blind man.

How do you plan on paying
for all this stuff?

Crisp, clean dollars.

American.

I saved up my
disability checks.

How much did you save?
I mean, we flew first class,

we're at the Waldorf-Astoria,
a $24 hamburger restaurant.

All part of
a plan, Charlie.

You want to let
me in on it?

Why should I?
You're not interested.
You don't give a shit!

You're leavin' on that
last shuttle
out of LaGuardia.

Hmm? Ooh!

You got 15 minutes, son.
I don't think
you're gonna make it.

Unless the Oak Room
keeps some

complimentary
helicopter on the roof.

No, sir. No!

You're here till tomorrow.

You said the last shuttle
leaves at 2200 hours.

That's 10:00, right?

Last I heard, yeah.

It's only ·:30.

I lied. Leaves at 0:00.

It leaves at 0:00?

Calm down. Calm down.

Ahh! The truth is,
Charlie,

I need a guide dog
to help me execute my plan.

What plan?

You have a right to know.

It's not really a plan,
Charlie. It's sort of a...

More like a tour,

a little tour
of pleasures.

Stay in a first-class hotel,
eat an agreeable meal,

drink a nice
glass of wine,

see my big brother.

Nothing like family,
you know.

And then, make love
to a terrific woman.

After that...

Yeah?

I'm gonna lie down on
my big, beautiful bed
at the Waldorf

and blow my brains out.

May I tell you
our specials?

You may, sir.

Tonight we have
charred venison with

buckwheat spaetzle
and green peppercorn.

Grilled veal paillards,
tomato tapenade,
and roasted eggplants.

Get me a napkin.
My mouth's watering.

If you would like our
cr·me souffl· for dessert,

it would be a good
idea to order now.

Yes, on the souffl·.
Give us a half a minute
on the rest.

Very good, sir.

I'm leaning
towards the spaetzle.

Colonel Slade...
Charlie, rolls on the table?

Give 'em to me.

You should
try these rolls, Charlie.

I used to dream about them
when I was at Fort Huachuca.

Colonel Slade...
Bread's no good
west of the Colorado.

Water's too alkaline.

Colonel Slade,
did you say...

Did I hear you right?

You said you're gonna
kill yourself?

No.

I said I was gonna
blow my brains out.

Try one of these
rolls, Charlie.

I buttered it for you.

I don't want a roll,
all right?

Okay. Have a radish!

Hah!

Hello! Bring me
a double Jack Daniels
on the rocks.

Yes, sir.
Right away.

Please, don't do that.

Don't do that.

Hmm.

What a marvelous place.

Okay.

Yeah.

Your billet is here.

You'll find bedding
in the closet on the shelf.

In the morning,
the area will be

returned to
sitting-room mode

no later than
0700 hours.

What was that?

Nothing.

Next time
snap it out!

Thumb to palm, index finger
through little digit,
smartly aligned,

sharp to the hairline,
down!

Too many men,
far better than you,

have executed
that courtesy.

And if you're smart,
you won't try it again.

This bat has
got sharper radar
than the Nautilus.

Don't fuck with me,
Charlie.

See you get
a good night's
sleep, son.

It's a lovely day today

So, whatever you gotta do

You got a lovely day
to do it in, that's true

Good morning, Charlie.

Good morning.

This is Sofia, Charlie.

She's a magician
with a needle.

Sofia's workin' me up
a little Glen Plaid number,

and I've asked her if
she'd put something
together for you.

I don't need
any clothes, Colonel.

Standard issue
for an upscale
urban assignment.

You don't like the clothes,
Charlie,
on completion of duty,

you can give 'em away.

Juice, coffee,
and other assorted goodies
on the trolley over there.

Get yourself up,
get yourself together.

It's a great day
for singin' a song

And it's a great day
for movin' along

And it's a great day
from morning to night

And it's a great day

For everybody's plight

How are you feeling
today, Colonel?

Super!

Superior!

Superfluous!

Young Sofie here
is working Thanksgiving

because she's trying to
put herself through college.

I told her, "My young friend
Charlie's headed for college."

Excuse me.

Where you goin'?

I need to use
the phone.

What's wrong with
the phones in here?

I don't want
to disturb you.

You're not disturbing me.
Make your call.

I'd kind of like
to be private.

Stay out of my room!

This is as private
as you're gonna get.

But if
you've got somethin'
that must be done

And it can only
be done by one

Sofia,

what are the chances
of suitin' you
up sometime?

Sugarbush Lodge.
George Willis, please.

Hello.

George! Hey, it's Charlie.

Hey, Chas.
Next year you gotta
come up with us.

White powder on
a base of snow bunnies.

Chas, are you there?

Yeah, I'm here.

You told me to call
you for the moves.

All right.

For now, the move's
no move, status quo.

Everything's
the way we left it.

How did we leave it?

See no evil,
hear no eviI.

You know
what I mean, Chas?

Yeah. See no evil,
hear no evil.

Okay, then,
walk like you talk.

All right, bye.

George Willis, huh?

Yeah.

George Willis.

That makes his
father probably
George Willis, Senior.

Charlie, I ask you,

what do you think
big George is gonna feel
about little George

seeing no evil,
hearing no evil?

Well, we're not gonna
tell our parents.

We're just gonna keep it
between ourselves.

Oh, George isn't gonna tell
his father about this thing!

Damn decent of him.

Scusi, Colonnello.
Prego.

I love it
when you hurt me.

Tell me now,
Charlie.

This George Willis, Jr.,
what's his father do?

I don't really know.

Well, I'm gonna tell you.

When George Willis, Senior,

isn't busy as
a million-dollar man
for Aetna Casualty...

Or is it
New England distributor

for the Chrysler
Corporation?

He concerns himself
with his young son,
George Willis, Jr.

George isn't going
to say anything
to his father.

Oh, Charlie.

Big George is gonna
wind up little George,

and little George
is gonna sing
like a canary.

And if you're hip, kid,
you're gonna hop to, too.

You've got this
all figured out,
don't you?

It don't take no
Young American merit

scholarship to
figure this one out.

Charlie,
you had a little life,

so you decided
to go to the
Baird school

to put yourself
in the market
for a big one.

Now, in order to stay
in the running,

you're gonna have
to tell these people
what they want to know.

You think so?

Are we finished, Sofia?

Yes.
Grazie. Grazie.
Andate.

Charlie,

if you don't sing now,

you're gonna end up,
not only shelving biscuits

in some convenience store
in the Oregon 'burbs,

but probably the last
word you'll ever hear
yourself say

just before you croak,
gonna be,

"Have a nice day
and come back soon."

Sofia!

Measure up
Charlie, here, pronto.

We got a date
for Thanksgiving.

We got a date?

My brother's place.

W.R. Slade,
White Plains, New York.

Colonel, I can't go with you
to your brother's place.

I mean, I should be
getting back to school.

Well, you gotta have
Thanksgiving somewhere.

I mean, eats and treats.

I can use
the company, Charlie.

All right.

Does he know
I'm comin'?

He doesn't know
I'm comin'.

But wait till you see
the look on his face

when I walk
through the door.

Oh, he loves me!

Oh, Charlie,
about your
little problem,

there are two kinds
of people in this world:

Those who stand up
and face the music,

and those who
run for cover.

Cover's better.

Okay, Sofia, suit him up!

Make him pretty.

Careful.

Should I ring it?
Yeah.

Yes?
Yes!

Who is this?

It's Randy.

Randy? You new?

I'm your nephew.

Hah! Here I am!

Your sister's been
hoarding me
long enough.

Thought it's time
to spread the
riches around.

Uncle Frank.
Gloria!

Gail.
Of course.

Say hello to the potluck
party from New York City.

Good old Uncle
Frank and this here
with him is Charlie Simms,

star halfback of the
Baird football team.

They not only beat
Exeter and Groton,
but Aquinas High School, too.

Where's your
miserable father?

Wait! No, no.
Let's surprise him.

Give that fat
heart of his
an attack. Willie!

Ho, Willie!

Hello, Frank.

How you doin'?
Okay.

Here's my hand.

Charlie, meet
W.R. Slade.

Nice to meet you, sir.

The original
bulging briefcase man.

Gretchen, I smell
those prunes!

We talkin'
turkey Marbella?
Yes, we are.

Let's have a whiff.
Come on.

You know, I always
had a sneaker for you.
Come here.

Where are you, Garry?
I heard you cough.
Right here.

Who are you again?

I'm here at
the Waldorf with...
Is it your brother?

W.R.'s final issue.
How ya doin', son?

Yeah, sure,
Frank's my brother.
Who the hell are you?

I'm takin' care of him
for the weekend.

Charlie.

Sorry.

Where's the booze?

Flowin' like mud here.

To tell the truth,
the Colonel's not well,
I don't think.

Not well?

I think he's
a little lonely.

Why didn't you
take him to your
family's for dinner?

I heard that!

I heard that.

Pay no attention
to him, Charlie.
That's just big-brother talk.

He's been watching out
for me since day one.

Bailed me out of more trouble
than he'd like to remember.

Here, let me
take your coat.

I meant to pick up
some vino on my way up,
but I blew it.

I'll send you the
Rothschild again
for Christmas,

only let's see how
Thanksgiving goes.

I'll set two
more places.

Here's
your drink, Frank.

Thank you, Randy.

Still with
Snow Queen Sugar?

Snow Flake.
Why do you always
get that wrong?

Because it's not
important for me
to get it right.

What are you doing
there now?

I'm vice president
for marketing.

Hoo-ah!
Congratulations!

Sugar is shit, though.

I told General Abrams,
install honey in
the commissaries.

If K-50s didn't
blow your brains out,

sugar, sure as shit,
was gonna.

Why don't we
all sit down?
Ooh.

Mitsouki. Rhymes
with nookie.
Be careful.

When the wife
gets restless,
the wife gets racy.

Well, let's
go and eat,
shall we?

By all means.

Thank you, Charlie.

Where you
wanna sit, Frank?
At the head again?

Any old card table
will do. This is fine.

Where was I?

So, I wake up.
It's 4:00 in the morning.
I don't know who I'm with

or why I'm there,
or where I am.

What am I gonna do?
I got this Asian flower

on one hand,
all giggly and dewy-like,

and this hard-boiled
Navy nurse outta Omaha,
on the other.

We're three across
the bed, not a stitch
of clothes on.

It comes to me.

Let east meet west.
We'll build a
golden bridge.

I felt like I'd just joined
the corps of engineers!

We all still here?

It's a
beautiful story.

Do you always enjoy
shocking people,
Uncle Frank?

Honey...

I didn't know
you were so
easily shocked, Randy.

I admire your
sensibilities,
I'm touched.

Dad, remember the time
you persuaded Frank

to go to the kennel?

What about it?

He almost put
the seeing eye dog business
outta business.

Cool it, Randy.

It's over and done with.

Indeed it is, Garry.

Indeed it is.
So is dinner.

Charlie, what time
you have?

I think we better
be gettin' back.

You ever given
any thought to
a Braille watch, Frank?

Randy...

Stevie Wonder wears one,
or do you rank on him, too?

Honey, please.

It's all right, Gloria.
I enjoy Randy's
observations.

My wife's name
is Gail, Frank.

Can you hear that?
Gail.

Excuse me.
Gail.

Gail strikes me as
a very beautiful woman,

but, you know,
there's a little
tension in her voice.

I don't know what it is.
It could be one
of two things,

either Gail is nervous
or unsatisfied.

What's your point,
Uncle Frank?

You ought to
go down on her.

Cut it out, Frank,
will ya?

You've gotten
so wrapped up
in sugar,

you forgotten
the taste of
real honey!

Frank, for
God's sake!

Hear that voice?

There's fire
under that dress.

Will you cut it out?
Just get the fuck
outta here.

Hoo-ah!
Get in your limousine.

Go down to the Bowery.
Get with the other fucking
drunks, where you belong!

Wait a minute.

What?
Can you take it easy?

What for?

You want me to lay off him,
Chucky, 'cause he's blind?

No, but...

My friend's name is Charles.

He doesn't like to
be called Chucky.

This is supposed to be
a family get-together.

Just a warning.

Jesus Christ,
another sucker who thinks
this shit-heel's a war hero.

Hoo-ah!

Well, once, maybe.

I suppose he told
you about his days on
Lyndon Johnson's staff?

I was gonna go.
Now I'm not leaving.

Frank was earmarked
for general.

Earmarked, good word.

Frank likes to spit
in everybody's eye!

Randy, that's enough.

So they, what do they call it,
when they give you the
shaft in the military?

Passed over!

Right, Frank was
passed over
for promotion.

Couple times.

You wanna know
what happened then?

Will you shut
your mouth?

He blew himself up.

Stop it, Randy.

Our Colonel here had
a grenade juggling act

at Fort Bragg, or wherever
it was they dumped him.

Fort Benning.

He was teaching
hand-to-hand combat
to second lieutenants...

Randy, look at me when
you're talking to me,
now, son.

I'm lookin', Frank.
His partner in the act
was some captain.

Major Vincent Squires.

Whoever he was.

Before going on, they'd
have a lo-cal breakfast,

a screwdriver for Frank,
bloody mary for his partner.

No, Vincent drank
Sea Breezes.

The Judge Advocate
at Benning said

Colonel Slade had four
to his partner's one.

He's really
flying in class.
He gets all excited.

He starts pulling
the pins out.

One grenade got
away from him.

Boom.

The one that got away.

The pin was in,
Frank claims.

In or out, what
difference does it make?

What kind of
fucking lunatic
juggles grenades?

Vinnie came out okay.

All Frank lost
was his eyesight.

You wanna know
the truth?

Got a handle
on that, do you?

He was
an asshole before.

Hoo-ah!

Now all he is,
is a blind asshole.

Hoo-ah.

Hey, God's a funny guy.

God doth have
a sense of humor.

Maybe God thinks
some people don't
deserve to see.

Hoo-ah.

You get
the point, Chucky?

His name is Charles.

You can say that,
can't you? Charles.

Know what this is, Randy?
It's a Ranger choke hold.

From teaching
those lieutenants.
Colonel, let go.

Little pressure,
I bust your windpipe.

I don't care
what he said to me.
After me.

Charles.

Just let go, please!

Gretchen?

You outdid yourself.

If you twist my
arm hard enough,

we're talking
turkey Marbella
next year.

Who knows?

Frank?

Goodbye, Willie.

I'm no fucking good.

And I never have been.

Come on, Charlie,
get the coats.

Colonel.
Watch your step.

Hold it.

Nueva York,
compadre. Vamos!

You got a watch?

It's 7:20.

I didn't ask you the time.
I asked if you had a watch.

Yeah, in the other room.

Get it.

Colonel, there's a clock
right next to your bed.

Does it have
a second hand?

Yeah.
Time me!

How long?

About 30 seconds.

I'm rusty.

Where did you get
a gun, Colonel?

Piece or weapon,
Charlie,
never gun.

Where did you
get the piece?

I'm an officer
in the US Army.

This is my sidearm.

But you're not
an officer anymore.

So I'm retired,
so what?

An officer never
relinquishes his.45.

You better relinquish
it to me or I'm gonna
have to call Mrs. Rossi.

Good idea.

Then I'm going
back to school.

Even better.
Blue skies, green lights.

I hope you have
a wonderful trip.

That felt like 25.
Gotta be able to
do a.45 in 25.

Did you time me?

I did not and
I'm calling Albany.

That was stupid.

Was it?

You're stuck with me,
Charlie.

No, I'm not.
I'm outta here!

Where you going,
New Hampshire?

You got no money.
How you gonna do that?

Karen's number
tastes like Albany.

Fine.
I'm leaving.

Charlie. Charlie!

All I want from you
is another day.

For what?

One last tour
of the battlefield.

I can get around
a city like New York,

but I

sometimes need a point
in the right direction.

What do you say,
Charles?

What's one day
between friends?

All right. Say I stay
for another day.

Will you give me
your weapon?

Oh, Charlie,

I'm a lieutenant colonel,
United States Army.

I'm not giving
my fucking gun
to anyone.

Now, what are
you drinkin'?

Colonel, this
is unacceptable.

Unacceptable?
What are you givin' me
that prep school crap for?

Unacceptable?

What have they done,
taken the Oregon
out of the boy?

Put in Harvard
Business School?

Then give me
your bullets.

You do see the sense of it,
Charlie, don't you?

I can't chew
the leather anymore.

So, why should I share
the tribe's provisions?

I mean, there's no one

wants to tear a herring
with me anymore.

The bullets, Colonel.

"The bullets, Colonel."

You sound like a guy in
Lives of a Bengal Lancer.

What do you
give a shit for?

About what?

About what?

About whether
I blow my brains
out or not.

Because I have
a conscience.

You have
a conscience.

I forgot.

The Charlie Conscience.

Do we tell?
Do we not tell?

Do we follow
the rich boy's code
or not?

Do we let this
blind asshole

die or not?

Yeah.

Conscience, Charlie.

When were
you born, son?

Around the time
of the Round Table?

Haven't you heard?

Conscience is dead.

No, I haven't heard.

Then take the fucking wax
outta your ears!

Grow up!

It's fuck your buddy.

Cheat on your wife.

Call your mother
on Mother's Day.

Charlie,

it's all shit.

Where you goin'?

I got piss call.

I know I said I need ya
forjust one day

but even I can't
hold it that long.

Oh, and Charlie,

you forgot the one
in the chamber.

There you go, sir.

Thank you.

Twenty-six years
in the service,

never let an aide
shine my shoes.

Where you gonna be
in 26 years, Charlie?

Playing golf with
your friends from
the Baird School, I bet.

I don't even
like those guys.

Of course you don't.
They're all assholes.

Be a pleasure to
squeal on 'em,
wouldn't it?

Yeah, well,
I'm not a squealer.

"I'm not a squealer."

What is this,
the Dreyfus case?

Ooh. Ooh, mama!

There you go.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Watch your step.

I'm gettin' that heavy
feelin' again, Charlie.

There's more to this,
isn't there?

Isn't there?

I was offered
a bribe.

Now we're cookin'.

Mr. Trask,
the headmaster,

he promised to get
me into Harvard.

If you squeal.

Yeah.

What a dilemma.

Should Charlie Simms
accept a free ride
into Harvard, or not?

What do you think your
friend George would do
if he were in your shoes?

He is,
practically.

How?

It's just that Mr. Trask
hasn't promised to get
him into Harvard.

Mr. Trask
doesn't have to.

George's father's
gonna take care
of that.

Do the deal,
Charlie. Take it!

Go to Harvard.

I can't do that.

Why not?

There are just
some things
you can't do.

Explain 'em to me.

Louder, please.

I can't...

You're gonna
have a tough time
in this world, Charlie.

To ease the blow,
let me buy you
a drink. Come on.

Double
Jack Daniels on the rocks.

And bring my
young friend here
a Shirley Temple.

Hold on.
Do you have beer?

Certainly. May I
see some ID?

Are you interested
in walkin' the rest
of your life, chappy?

I'm sorry, sir, but...

I'm a regular here.
My boy's going on 23.

Why don't you
call up front,
the office?

Mr. Gilbert,
he's a friend of mine.

Any particular beer?

Schlitz. No Schlitz?

Blatz. No Blatz?

Lmprovise.

I'll do my best, sir.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you, sir.

You're human, Charlie.
Beer?

Who are we
drinking with?

I'm getting
a nice soap-and-water
feeling from down there.

A female.

"Female"?

You callin' her female
must mean you like her
or you wouldn't be so casual.

Is she alone?

Yeah, she's alone.

Things are heatin' up.

Chestnut hair?

Brown, light brown.

Twenty-two?

What am I,
a guy at a carnival?

The day we stop lookin',
Charlie, is the day we die.

Move.

Where?
You know where, son.

Don't be coy, Charlie.

This woman is
made for you.
I can feel it.

Goddamn beautiful,
isn't she?

She's not bad.
Bingo! The boy's alive.

Come on, son,
perambulate.

Perambulate.

Excuse me, se·orita,
do you mind if
we join you?

I'm feelin' you're
being neglected.

I'm expecting somebody.

Instantly?

No, but any minute now.

Any minute?

Some people live
a lifetime
in a minute.

What are you doin'
right now?

I'm waiting for him.

Would you mind if
we waited with you,

just to keep
the womanizers
from bothering you?

No, I don't mind.

Thank you.

Charlie.

You know, I detect
a fragrance
in the air.

Don't tell me
what it is.

Ogilvie Sisters
soap.

That's amazing.

I'm in the
amazing business.

It is
Ogilvie Sisters
soap.

My grandmother gave me
three bars for Christmas.

I'm crazy about
your grandmother.

I think she'd have
liked Charlie, too.

Don't pay any
attention to him.

What's your name?

Donna.

Donna? I'm Frank.
This here is...

Charlie.

Yes.
She likes you.

Charlie's having
a difficult weekend.

He's going
through a crisis.

How does he look like
he's holding up?

He looks fine to me.

She does like you,
Charlie.

So, Donna,

do you tango?

No. I wanted to
learn once, but...

But?

But Michael
didn't want to.

Michael.

The one you're
waiting for.

Michael thinks
the tango's hysterical.

I think Michael's
hysterical.

Don't pay any
attention to him.

Did I already
say that?

What a beautiful laugh.

Thank you, Frank.

Would you like
to learn to tango,
Donna?

Right now?

I'm offering you
my services,
free of charge.

What do you say?

I think I'd be
a little afraid.

Of what?

Afraid of making
a mistake.

No mistakes
in the tango, Donna.
Not like life.

It's simple.
That's what makes
the tango so great.

If you make a mistake,
get all tangled up,
just tango on.

Why don't you try?

Will you try it?

All right.
I'll give it a try.

Hold me down, son.

Your arm?

Charlie,

I'm gonna need some
coordinates here, son.

The floor's about
20 by 30,

and you're at
the long end.

There's some tables
on the outside and

the band's
on the right.

Frank, you are
one incredible
dancer.

Wait'll you see
Charlie dance.

He's a liar.
I don't dance.

Isn't he a charmer,
though?

Truth is,
not only can he dance,

but he'll sing you
a hell of a tune.

He can do bird calls
and imitate Bela Lugosi.

Hi, honey.

Hi.
Hey.

Michael, this is Frank
and this is Charlie.

Hi, Frank, Charlie.
Sorry I'm late.

That's okay.

These two gentlemen
entertained me,

and time flew.

Your girl is a hell
of a tango dancer.

At last,
you found someone
to tango with.

That's terrific!

Let me shake your hand.

No, it was Frank.

Hell, I'll shake
both your hands!

This looks like
the place, but
we gotta go.

We got a date with
Darryl and Carol
in the Village.

Do you have a check?
Michael, please.

My pleasure.

No, no. I got this.

Michael, get your hand
outta your pocket.

I'll take it. Really.

Allow me.

Why, thank you.

Bye, guys.

Bye.

Darryl and Carol.
Yeah.

It's apartment 17E,
Colonel.

She's expecting you.

Don't worry about a thing.
She's the cr·me de la cr·me.

My buddy took
the Vice Chancellor
of Germany to her.

Now he wants to
immigrate to this country.

You did good, hombre.

My hair, how is it?

It's perfect.

I got the red
foulard okay,
didn't I?

Yeah,
real dark red.

Burgundy, Charlie.
Burgundy. They love it.

Bay rum.

Windsor knot.

That's my heart
I'm feelin'.

I'm off.

Can you get long
distance on this?

And how. Be my guest.

Sugarbush Lodge.

Hi. George Willis, please?

One moment, please.

Hello?
Harry?

Chas, how are you?

You just caught us.
We're about to shoot
George over to the airport.

Why is George going
to the airport?

Hold on. Maybe
you should talk
to the man himself.

Chas.

Yeah. Hi, George.

You just caught me.

That's what Harry said.
Where you goin'?

Home.

To Boston?

Catching the puddle·umper.
Keep your fingers crossed.

What are you
going home for?

I was thinking.
This asshole, Trask?
He's making no sense at all.

Somebody's gotta talk to him.
My father was class of '59.

Your father?
I thought we were gonna
keep our parents outta this.

This guy Trask
is out of control, Chas.

Out of control!
Somebody's gotta
talk to him.

My father's
a major fundraiser,
you know.

No, I didn't.

Right.

Relax. He'll get us
off the hook.

I gotta go.
Everything all right?

Sure.

I'll see you Monday.
Goodbye.

Bye.

Good night, sir.
Good night.

Hiya, Charlie.

Watch the door.

What a beautiful woman.

Hello, there.

Do you
see what I see?

Yeah.
Either there's
something wrong,

or we got the world's
worst hangover.

Won't you come in?

We hear
you got a picture of
the bank robbery.

Colonel?

Colonel,
you all right?

What is it?

It's after noon.

You've been sleeping
all morning.

So what?

I don't know.
I thought...

I talked to George
last night.

His father's a big-deal
alumnus at school.
He's got a lot of pull.

Really?

Yeah, he's gonna talk
to the headmaster.

George thinks he might
be able to get us
off the hook.

"Get us off the hook."

Yeah, that's what he said.

Watch the "us" part.

Colonel, don't you wanna
get up and do something?

Colonel?

Charlie, what do
you want?

I don't know,

but you're making
me nervous.

My wallet is
on the dresser.

Take out your plane ticket

and $400
mustering-out pay, plus

airport-to-school taxi.

Colonel, it's no rush.
I mean, I can...

I could stay for a while.

Charlie, you already
gave me a day.

And for that day,
I am eternally grateful.

But right now
I have other plans.

What other plans
do you have?

To die, son.

Colonel, you're...

Come on, Colonel,
you're not gonna die today.

Charlie,
give me your hand.

You go now, boy.
Okay?

You go. Just...

Just leave me
sleep here.

Look...
Can we start
over, please?

What do you feel
like doin' today, huh?

Look at this.
The sun is shining!

It's a beautiful day.
Let's...

Colonel, I know you don't
want to be a party poop,

so let's go out
and do something.

Let's go for a ride.

Yeah, a ride.

A ride?

Yeah, Colonel Slade,
what do you say?

Let's go
for a ride, huh?

What kind of ride?

Yeah, this is a valid
Oregon driver's license,

and we let appropriate
customers test-drive
the Testarossa.

But you're 17, with
a blind companion.
That we don't do.

This is a $100,000
piece of machinery.

I'm not letting it
out this door.

How about this one
over here?

That's a Cabriolet T.
The same deal.

You think I'll let
an unaccompanied kid
get in a $110,000 car?

He will not be
unaccompanied.

I'll be with him.
I'm his father.

You're his father?

Yes.

I have an idea. Why don't
I take your father
for a test drive?

What's your quota, Freddie?

Don't worry
about my quota.
I do well.

How many Ferraris
you sold this month?

That's not relevant
to this discussion.

Freddie,
the '·0s are over.

Are you tryin' to tell me
these things are walkin'
outta the store?

This is a Ferrari, sir,
the finest machinery made
in the automobile industry.

If you like it that much,
why don't you sleep with it?
Why are you sellin' it?

I'd love to
accommodate you...

If this car performs
the way I expect it to,

you will get
a check of $101,000,
and change,

when you come in
here tomorrow morning.

It's $100,000,
plus $050,
plus tax.

Freddie, for you

107 all in,

plus a case of champagne
to go with your
leftover turkey.

What do you say?
Don't worry about
the boy.

He drives so smooth,
you can boil an egg
on the engine.

When we bring
the car back, I'll peel
the egg for ya.

Listen, you made me laugh,
but I can't let
the car go out.

Want a deposit?

This is not an
installment item, sir.

Freddie, you're
no spring chicken.

You know what they call me
at the home office?
"The Grey Ghost."

You know why they
still keep me around?

There's no kid here
that can move a Ferrari
like I can.

I'm known from
coast to coast
like butter and toast.

Ask anybody about
Freddie Bisco.

When I get a Ferrari...

Out the door!

You just made
me laugh, Freddie.

Yeah?

2,000.

Unless you take it,
you're gonna make me cry.

I'm a grey ghost, too.

See? This is fun,
isn't it?

Drop her into neutral.
Slide her into second.

Pop the clutch.

Straight.
Hold it right
like that.

Feel it?
That's straight.

It's a straight street,
so keep it straight.

Keep it straight.

No fun just
to keep it straight.

You've got to move
a little bit,
feel the road.

Please? Just like this.
All right? There you go.

Take it nice and easy.

Do you like this?

Slow it down
a little, Colonel.
You're goin' a little fast.

Colonel, slow it down.

Something's happened
to my foot!

Slow it down, please.

Hold on. I think
I've got another gear.

Colonel Slade?

Hoo-ah!

Watch out!

You'll get us killed!

Don't blame me,
Charlie, I can't see!

Colonel,
slow it down!

Oh, Jesus!

Now let's see how
this baby corners.

Corners?

Yeah. Say when.

Say when what?

Say when to turn.

Colonel,
you can't turn the car.

Where's
the turn, Charlie?

3 o'clock? 2 o'clock?
Right oblique? Right face?

Come on! Talk to me!

It's left, I guess.

Left. I knew it. Okay. Now?

No, no! Not now! Not now!

Now?

Colonel, please!

I'm gonna do it anyway,
all right?

Whether you say so
or not, here we go!

Okay! Wait, wait, wait!
Just wait!

Here I go.

Wait... Now!

I did it! Charlie!

You're ridin' with
one very happy man!

Turn again!

Be specific, son.

Left now!

Okay.

I love this! I love it!

Shall we take it to the max?

Let me out.

Shit!
The yellow flag.

I haven't even
opened her up yet.
Which way's the curb?

Pull over. Slow down!
Slow down.

I'm doin' it.

Pull over to
the curb, here.
Slow down.

Yep. Got it.

Haven't had
a ticket in years.

I'll do the talking.

License
and registration.

Are you test-driving
this baby?

Don't she purr, though?

At 70 miles an hour?

You should hear
her at 125.

Where's your license?

At the dealer's.

They give it back
when you return the car.

You got ID?

You bet.

Indeed.

Lieutenant Colonel Slade.

And you, soldier?

The name is
Police Officer Gore.

Doin' a hell
of a job, Gore.

And so are you,
Colonel.

Who's the kid?

My boy Charlie.

He kept tellin' me
to "let her out."

What was I gonna do,
disappoint him?

Yes.

Tell you what
I'm gonna do,
Colonel.

I'm gonna let you go,
on one condition.

What's that?

That you take this rig
straight back to the dealer.

You got it.

Shut up.

You want this?

Sure.

Gore?

Your face and
your voice
are familiar.

You ever been
in the officer's
club at Da Nang?

No.

Never in the Army?

No. Coast Guard.

Good Lord.

Your dad
is looking good,
Charlie.

He's got a heavy foot, though.
Tell him to take it light,
all right?

I hear ya!
All right.

Thanks.

Get out of the car,
because you are not
driving anymore.

Just keeping this baby
warm, that's all.

I'm not drivin' anymore.

Yes.

Take my arm.
I'm okay.

Colonel,
it's really
bumpy here.

You all right?

Yeah.

Red light. Hold it.

Taking too long.

Shit! Colonel! Colonel!

Colonel!

Shit! You all right?

What the hell
are you doing?

Take the cane.

I gotta take a piss.

Take the cane.

Happens to
the best of us.

We're on
Park Avenue.
You can't.

Perfect place.

You'll get arrested.

Never been
housebroken.

Colonel!
Shit!

What's the matter
with you, Colonel?

What are you doing?
Stand up.

Come on.

I'm tired, Charlie.
I'm tired.

Give me your arm.

Here's your cane.

Take me back
to the hotel, son.

Home at last.

You all right now?

Yeah.

Do you want to
use the bathroom?

No.

Can I get you
something?

No.

You sure you're
all right?

I'm fine, Charlie.

Do you mind if
I use the phone?

Go ahead.

Hello?

Hi, is George there,
please?

Senior or Junior?

Junior.

Who's this?

A friend of his
from school.

Sorry, but George isn't going
to be talking to any friends
from school right now.

Oh.

Goodbye.

Colonel, are you
looking at me?

I'm blind, Charlie.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Too much fresh air.

It's probably a good idea.

Want me to help you
to your room?

No.

Couch.

I like this couch here.

You sure you're
all right, Colonel?

I got a headache.

Why don't you go
downstairs, get me
some aspirin?

Some aspirin.
Yeah. Also...

I feel like a cigar.

Get me a couple of
Montecristos Number One.

Montecristos
Number One.

Yeah.

You won't be able
to get 'em at
the newsstand downstairs.

So why don't you
go over to

50th and Fifth,
Dunhill's.

Fella named Arnold there,
in the humidor.

Tell him
they're for me.

He'll know.

You're back
too fast.

You didn't get
my cigars, did you?

Get out of
here, Charlie.

I thought we had a deal.

I welched.
I'm a welcher.
Didn't I tell you?

No, what you told me
was that you gave me
all the bullets.

I lied.

You could have fooled me.

And I did.

How you ever
gonna survive in this
world without me?

Why don't you just
give me the gun,
all right?

What are you doing?

I'm gonna
shoot you, too.

Your life's
finished anyway.

Your friend George
is going to sing
like a canary.

And so are you.

And once you've sung,
Charlie, my boy,

you're gonna take
your place on that
long, gray line

of American manhood.

And you will
be through.

I'd like to disagree
with you, Colonel.

You're in no
position to disagree
with me, boy.

I got a loaded.45 here.
You got pimples.

I'm gonna
kill ya, Charlie,

because I can't
bear the thought

of you sellin' out!

Put the gun down,
all right, Colonel?

What? You givin' me
an ultimatum?

No, I'm...

I give the ultimatums!

I'm sorry.

All right? I'm sorry.

It's all right,

Charlie.

You break
my heart, son.

All my life
I stood up

to everyone
and everything,

because it made me
feel important.

You do it
'cause you mean it.

You got
integrity, Charlie.

I don't know whether to
shoot you or adopt you.

Not much of a choice,
is it, sir?

Don't get cute now.

Could you please
put the gun away?

I asked you
a question.

Do you want me
to adopt you,
or don't you?

Please? I mean...

You're just in a slump
right now.

Slump?

No slump, Charlie.

I'm bad.

I'm not bad. No.

I'm rotten.

You're not bad.

You're just in pain.

What do you know
about pain?

You little snail darter
from the Pacific Northwest.

Fuck you know
about pain?

Let me have the gun,
Colonel.

No time to grow
a dick, son.

Just give me the gun,
all right, Colonel?

I'm talkin' a
parade ground.

Ten-hut!

Soldier, that was
a direct order.

Give me the gun.

You can stay or
you can leave.

You understand?

Either way, I'm gonna
do this thing.

Now why don't
you leave and
spare yourself?

I want your gun,
Colonel.

I'm gonna give
myself a count.

You need a count
for balance.

Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

One...

Fuck it.

Give me! Fuck!

Get out of here!

I'm stayin' right here!

Get outta here!

I'm stayin' right here.

I'll blow your
fuckin' head off!

Then do it!

You want to do it?
Do it! Let's go.

Get outta here!

You fucked up,
all right? So what?

So everybody does it.

Get on with your life,
would ya?

What life?

I got no life!

I'm in the dark here!

You understand?

I'm in the dark!

So give up.

You want to give up, give up.
Because I'm givin' up, too.

You said I'm through.
You're right,
I am through.

We're both through.
It's all over.

So let's get on with it.
Let's fuckin' do it.

Let's fuckin'
pull the trigger,

you miserable
blind motherfucker.

Pull the trigger.

Here we go, Charlie.

I'm ready.

You don't want to die.

And neither do you.

Give me one
reason not to.

I'll give you two.

You can dance the tango
and drive a Ferrari better
than anyone I've ever seen.

You never seen
anyone do either.

Give me the gun,
Colonel.

Where do I go
from here, Charlie?

If you're tangled up,
just tango on.

You askin' me
to dance, Charlie?

Did you ever
have the feelin'

That you wanted to go

And still had the feelin'
that you wanted to stay?

You like my blues,
Charlie?

Yeah, they're beautiful.

I wore these

for Lyndon's
inauguration.

Of course, we weren't
the number one ball.

But he dropped by
anyway.

Will you please
give me the gun?

You're askin' an officer

to surrender his sidearm.

You don't have
to surrender it.

Just put it down
for a little while.

All right?
Just put it down.

Boy, I could use
a drink, Charlie.

How about a cup of coffee?

Too big a leap for me
right now, Charlie.

Maybe tomorrow.

No, a Mr. John Daniels
would be preferred.

No water,
Charlie.

No water.

Please.

Here's your drink,
Colonel.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What time do you want me
to turn down the bed?

Maybe later,
all right?

What he means,
se·orita,

is come right in.

Later, please?

Yes, sir.
Good afternoon.

Nice voice.

Boy, you have
a one-track mind.

Is there anything else
in this world, Charlie?

Not for you.

You know what's
kept me goin'
all these years?

The thought

that one day...

Never mind.

The what?

Silly.

Just the thought that
maybe one day, I'd...

I could have a woman's arms
wrapped around me,

and her legs
wrapped around me.

And what?

That I could wake up
in the morning and
she'd still be there.

Smell of her.

All funky and warm.

I finally gave up on it.

I don't know why
you can't have that.

When we get back
to New Hampshire,

I don't know why you
can't find someone.

You're a good-lookin' guy

and you're fun to be with

and you're a great
travel companion,

sensitive, compassionate.

Charlie,

are you fuckin' with me?

Yes.

Yeah?

Hey, Manny.

We missed our plane.

Your plane, Charlie.

My ticket was one-way.

New England thruway
all the way, Colonel?

All the way,
Manolo.

I'm gettin' that heavy
feelin' again, Charlie.

Uh...

"Uh..."

I think you were
right about George
and his father.

I'm sorry
to hear that.

When we get back Mr. Trask
is bringing us up
in front of the whole school.

Puttin' your feet
to the fire?

Special meeting of the
disciplinary committee.

And what are you
gonna tell 'em?

I don't know.
I'll think of somethin'.

Charlie, why are you
all alone in this thing?

Where's your father?

He left.

I thought it was a
mom-and-pop store.
Who's the pop?

It's my stepfather.

Oh, yeah.

But why isn't
he in on this?
Somethin' wrong with him?

No, he's okay. We just...

We don't get along
very well.

Why not?

Because he's
an asshole.

Well, that's
all right, Charlie.

Every family's
got one nowadays.

That's it?

That's it.

Take care of
yourself, kid.

All right, Manny.
Thanks.

No,
I'm not opening.

I hate goodbyes.

So...

You'll be
all right, huh?

I'll be fine.

All right.

What's that?

That's first bell.

Just got time
to get cleaned up.

I almost forgot.

I owe you
some money.

$300.
Job well done.

You ever need
any references, Charlie,
I'm your man.

Thanks, Colonel.

16 Water Street.
Over the bridge.

We'll find it.

Goodbye, Charlie.

Goodbye, Colonel.

Come here, son.

Okay, Manny.

George. George!

I called an open meeting
of this institution
this morning

because the incident
that occurred this
Tuesday last

describes an issue
that concerns all of us.

Not an isolated case
of vandalism.

What happened

is a symptom
of the sickness
of a society.

A sickness which runs
counter to the principles
this school was founded on.

A school among
whose graduates

two have sat behind the
desk in the Oval O·ce,
in the White House.

Baird men have
run State Departments
and investment houses,

founded department stores
and coached football teams.

Our alumni receive
their bulletins in
ashrams in India

and in palaces in Jordan.

We are, in fact,
known around the world

as the cradle of this
country's leadership.

A beacon in the...
What are you doing here?

Got room for me
up there, Charlie?

But today we are bleeding
from disrespect.

Yeah, I guess so.

Blatant disrespect.
Give us a hand.

A disrespect
for our values,

and a disrespect
for our standards.

A disrespect for
the Baird tradition.

And, as the custodians
of that tradition,

we are here today
to protect each other

from those who threaten it.

Who is this, Mr. Simms?

This is Mr. Frank Slade,

Lieutenant Colonel,
United States Army,
retired.

I'm here in place
of Charlie's parents.

Excuse me?

In loco parentis.

They could not make
the trip from
Oregon today.

And what is your
relationship to Mr. Simms?

Is this a
courtroom?

Closest thing
we could manage to it.

Then if we're taking oaths,
there's a few people
I'd like to swear in.

There are no oaths
at Baird.

We are all on our honor.

Larry and Franny Simms

are very dear,
close friends of mine.

They've asked me
to appear here on
Charlie's behalf.

Okay?

Happy to have you
with us, Colonel.

Mr. Willis.

Which Mr. Willis?

George, Junior, sir.

Yes.

You were in a position
last Tuesday night

to see who committed
this act of vandalism.
Who was it?

Well, I have an idea
who it was.

No, not an idea,
Mr. Willis.

Did you see or
did you not see?

Well...

I didn't have
my contacts in.

Come on.

I was in the library.
I'd taken my glasses off,

and I was gonna put
my contacts back in.

Then I helped
Simms close up

and the next thing
I know, we're outside,

and I hear
this sound and I

didn't have any time
to put my contacts in.

Whom, with your
limited vision,
did you see?

Like I say,
it was blurry.

I can't see
without my contacts.

What did you see,
Mr. Willis?

What?

You mean definitively?

Stop fencing with me,
Mr. Willis!

Tell me what you saw!

Now, don't hold me to this,
but no contacts, it's dark...

And everything, I mean...

Mr. Willis!

Maybe...

Harry Havemeyer,

Trent Potter and
Jimmy Jameson.

Maybe?

Ballpark, best guess.

Could you provide us
with some detaiI?

Why don't you ask Charlie?
I really think he was closer.

Mr. Simms.

Yes.

You don't wear contact lenses,
do you?

No, sir.

With your
untrammeled sight,

w£om did you see?

Well, I saw something,

but I couldn't say who.

All right. What was
the something you saw?

I couldn't say.

You couldn't or wouldn't say?

Well, I just...

I just couldn't say.

Couldn't, wouldn't, shouldn't.

You're exhausting my patience
and making a mockery
of these proceedings.

I will give you
one last chance.

The consequences
of your response
will be dire.

By dire, I mean
your future will be
jeopardized permanently.

Now for the last time,

w£at did you see
last Tuesday night
outside my office?

I saw somebody.

"I saw somebody." Good.

Did you see their
size and shape?

Yeah.

And they were the size
and shape of whom?

They were the size and shape

of most any
Baird student, sir.

I am left with
no real witness.

Mr. Willis' testimony
is not only vague,
it is unsubstantiated.

The substance I was
looking for, Mr. Simms,

was to come from you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too, Mr. Simms,

because you know
what I'm going to do

inasmuch as I can't
punish Mr. Havemeyer

Mr. Potter or Mr. Jameson?

And I won't punish
Mr. Willis.

He's the only party
to this incident

w£o is still worthy
of calling himself
a Baird man.

I'm going to recommend to
the disciplinary committee

that you be expelled.

Mr. Simms, you are
a cover-up artist
and you are a liar.

But not a snitch!

Excuse me?

No, I don't think
I will.

Mr. Slade.

This is such
a crock of shit!

Please watch
your language, Mr. Slade.

You are in the Baird school,
not a barracks.

Mr. Simms, I will
give you one final
opportunity to speak up.

Mr. Simms
doesn't want it.

He doesn't need
to be labeled

"still worthy of
being a Baird man."

What the hell is that?

What is your motto here?

"Boys, inform on
your classmates,
save your hide,

"anything short of that,
we're gonna burn you
at the stake?"

Well, gentlemen,

when the shit hits the fan,
some guys run,

and some guys stay.

Here's Charlie,
facin' the fire,
and there's George,

hidin' in big daddy's pocket.

And what are you doin'?

You're gonna reward George
and destroy Charlie.

Are you finished,
Mr. Slade?

No, I'm just gettin'
warmed up.

I don't know
who went to
this place.

William Howard Taft,
William Jennings Bryan,
William Tell, whoever.

Their spirit is dead,
if they ever had one.

It's gone.

You're buildin'
a rat ship here,

a vessel for
seagoin' snitches.

And if you think
you're preparin' these
minnows for manhood,

you better think again,

because I say you are
killin' the very spirit

this institution
proclaims it instills.

What a sham.

What kind of a show
are you guys puttin'
on here today?

The only class
in this act is
sittin' next to me.

And I'm here
to tell you this boy's
soul is intact.

It's non-negotiable.
You know how I know?

Someone here,
and I won't say who,
offered to buy it.

Only Charlie
here wasn't sellin'.

Sir, you're
out of order.

I'd show you
out of order.

You don't know what
out of order is,
Mr. Trask.

I'd show you,
but I'm too old,

I'm too tired,
I'm too fuckin' blind.

If I were the man I was
five years ago, I'd take
a flamethrower to this place!

Out of order? Who the hell
you think you're talkin' to?

I've been around, you know?

There was a time
I could see.

And I have seen.

Boys like these,
younger than these,

their arms torn out,
their legs ripped off.

But there is nothin'
like the sight

of an amputated spirit.

There is no prosthetic
for that.

You think you're merely
sendin' this splendid
foot soldier

back home to Oregon with
his tail between his legs,

but I say you are
executin' his soul!

And why?

Because he's not
a Baird man.

Baird men.
You hurt this boy,

you're gonna be Baird bums,
the lot of you.

And, Harry, Jimmy,

Trent, wherever you are
out there,

fuck you, too!

Stand down, Mr. Slade!

I'm not finished.

As I came in here,
I heard those words,

"cradle of leadership."

Well, "when the bough breaks,
the cradle will fall,"
and it has fallen here.

It has fallen.

Makers of men,
creators of leaders.

Be careful what
kind of leaders
you're producin' here.

I don't know if Charlie's
silence here today
is right or wrong.

I'm not a judge orjury.

But I can tell you this,

he won't sell anybody out
to buy his future!

And that, my friends,
is called integrity.

That's called courage.

Now that's the stuff
leaders should be made of.

Now I have come to
the crossroads in my life.

I always knew what
the right path was.

Without exception, I knew,
but I never took it.

You know why?

It was too damn hard.

Now here's Charlie.
He's come to
the crossroads.

He has chosen a path.
It's the right path.

It's a path made of principle
that leads to character.

Let him continue
on his journey.

You hold this boy's future
in your hands, committee.

It's a valuable future,

believe me.

Don't destroy it.
Protect it.

Embrace it.

It's gonna make you
proud one day,
I promise you.

How's that
for cornball?

Nothing can
shut them up, sir.

The disciplinary
committee will take
this matter under advisement

in closed session.

What are they doin',
Charlie?

I think they're
going to come to
a decision now.

Very well.

Apparently, that meeting
will be unnecessary.

Mrs. Hunsaker.

The joint student-faculty
disciplinary committee
needs no further sessions.

They have come to a decision.

Messrs. Havemeyer,
Potter and Jameson

are placed on probation

for suspicion of
ungentlemanly conduct.

It is further recommended
that Mr. George Willis, Jr.

Receive neither recognition
nor commendation

for his cooperation.

Mr. Charles Simms is excused

from any further response
to this incident.

Hoo-ah!

Charlie!

Last step.

I can always count
on you, Charlie.

Colonel!

I'm Christine Downes,
Colonel Slade.

I teach
political science.

I wanted to tell you
how much I appreciate
you speaking your mind.

Why, thank you.
Are you married?

I...

Went to an artillery school
at Fort Sill with
a Mickey Downes.

Thought he might've
snagged you.

No, I'm afraid not.

Colonel Slade was on
Lyndon Johnson's staff,
Miss Downes.

Were you? Fascinating.

We should get together,
talk politics sometime.

Fleurs de Rocaille.

Yes.

"Flowers from a brook."

That's right.

Well, Miss Downes,
I'll know where to find you.

Charlie.

Bye, Miss Downes.

Bye.

You don't have to
tell me, Charlie.

5'7",

auburn hair,

beautiful brown eyes.

Yabba-dabba-doo.

Manny.

Colonel, this
is too much.

Never mind,
you earned it.

Next time Charlie and I

want to take a
breather to New York,
we're gonna call you.

You can drive us
both ways.

You're on,
Colonel.

Not only will it
be an honor,

I'll give you
a rate.

I'll see your rate
and raise you.

Stay outta
harm's way, Manny.

Take care,
Colonel.

You, too.

Ready?
No. I'll take it
from here.

You go on ahead.

Manny'll drive you
to your dorm.

Come by before you
go home for Christmas.

We'll have a little cheer.

And if you like,
stay for dinner.

Sometimes she cooks
a pot roast.

It's almost edible.

All right, Colonel.
That'd be really...

Bye, Charlie.

Who's there?
That you, Francine?

Yes.

What are you doing?

Taking a ride.

Taking a ride?

What about you
giving me a lift?

No.

No?

Come on, Francine.

We should make up.
Don't you think
it's time we made up?

No.

Francine?
What?

Uncle Frank's had

a really hard
Thanksgiving weekend.

What's that?
I hear a chipmunk.

Is it a walrus?

No, it's Willie.

Willie, why don't you
help me with my bag?

Come on, son.
Help me with my bag.

Come on. Come on.

You got it. Hold onto it.
You're strong. Come on.

Here we are.

Francine, come on
with me and Willie.

I'll let you make me
some marshmallow
chocolate.

What do you say?

Good!