Scenes from a Gay Marriage (2012) - full transcript

My upstairs neighbor is hot.

[Muffled] I think preggers had
her baby.

Yhe bump's gone.

Maybe she lost it.

Honey!

You don't know.

Well, I think we should figure
out which apartment is hers

And take her something.

Like what? A card to say
congratulations

For possibly having the baby

We assumed you were carrying?



You're no fun. Why are you
being difficult?

I'm not being difficult.

I'm just merely challenging
your assumption.

Uh-huh.

Did you see the guy downstairs?

Someone moved in?

Yeah, I guess. I saw him
earlier.

Is he cute?

You'd probably think so.

He kind of looks like Adam
Levine...

If Adam Levine worked the late
night shift at Burger King.

Did you find the cocoa?

No, this is for you.

What is it?



Hot salt water. Go gargle it.

So you're sure this is over?

I moved out.

What'd you move?

Your loufa?

He took his name off the lease.

The apartment's mine.

Oh, it's always been yours.

Like a storage unit with
carpet.

Darren, please tell me this is
new.

I got it like a couple weeks
ago?

Ugh. It's a bacteria ball.

Do you realize the only way to
clean those

Is to soak them in detergent
after every use?

I mean, who really has that
much time

To put into a delicate bath
poof?

Have you decided what you're
going to do with yourself?

Other than dust this place?

Greg, I'm fine. I've got it
figured out.

You do?

Okay.

Don't you have an event to plan?

Should you be having drinks
with one of the brides-to-be?

Oh, yeah. Drinks and a
cake-tasting.

Well, don't let me keep you.

Don't worry, I planned
accordingly.

My maternal instincts said to
stop here and check on you
first.

[TV] Well, what's the matter,
Ben?

Don't you think I can?

Yeah, that's the trouble. I do.

Oh, Ben...

It isn't because I'm not fond
of you,

You know that, but...

Well, I've just got to have a
try at it, that's all.

If I don't, I'll turn into one
of those women

Who keep talking about what a
great career

They would've had if they
hadn't gotten married.

[Muffled] Guess what!

What?

I have another audition this
week!

That's great, honey! What's it
for?

A sausage commercial.

A sausage commercial?

Yeah.

See, I look like some greasy,
sausage-eating serial killer

In my head shots.

Have some more taken.

I know. I need to

I'm probably going to lay out
at the pool all day tomorrow.

Not all day, all right?

You'll burn.

[Camera snaps]

[Muffled moans]

[Muffled] What are you doing?

Watching you fall asleep.

Why?

What else am I gonna do?

Isn't it boring?

Like watching a hippopotamus at
the zoo?

What? Why?

Because, nothing happens...

Why aren't you tired?

I don't know.

Are you okay?

You've seemed a little distant.

Distant? Why?

Because you aren't six inches
deep?

Thanks.

What?

Next time I'll use my pinky.

Maybe I'll read some more of
that book.

Have a glass of warm milk.

No, you know, actually...

I think I'm gonna go down to
the gym for a bit.

That'll wipe me out

[Power cuts out]

Hi. Hi. I'm sorry, I know it's
really late.

You said the light in your
kitchen went off?

Yeah, well, I plugged the
toaster in...

And then everything along this
wall went out.

The lamp, the refrigerator...

There you go.

That's it?

That's it.

What was I not doing?

You've gotta turn it all the
way to the right until you hear
it click.

If it happens again, just give
me a call.

Thank you.

Oh...

I think you dropped this.

Is he yours?

Yeah.

Yeah, he looks like you.

How old is he?

There he's two, but he's three
now.

Well, I bet he's a handful.

I'll let you get back to him.

He lives with his mom,
actually.

I was gonna make some coffee...

Would you like a cup?

So... I've forgotten your name,
I'm sorry.

It's Joe.

Joe... how long have you been
working here?

About a year, I guess.

Do you like it?

It beat some of the other jobs
I've had.

How often do you get to see
your little boy?

It's been over a year since
I've seen him...

My ex-wife hauled him up north

And I don't get much vacation
time, so...

Thanks.

So, are you from Nashville?

Just outside.

What about you?

I grew up in California.

How'd you end up all the way
over here?

Well, I... I met someone and
fell in love

And this became home.

How long were you together?

We were never actually
together, actually...

But, then I met my ex and we
were together eight years.

God, yeah, I was eighteen when
we met.

I was eighteen when I got
engaged.

Why'd you split up?

I got tired of carrying around
all the guilt.

I wanted to start living more
openly and honestly.

About?

About being gay.

Oh, I wasn't sure.

Sure of what?

If you were.

Yeah, aren't you?

Yeah.

Well, thank you, Darren.

This is real nice.

Please, I didn't feel like
sleeping anyway...

Toast?

Nah.

Suit yourself.

Okay, maybe just one piece.

Are you hungry?

I mean, I've got stuff I can
kinda make...

No, toast just sounded really
good.

Yeah, I feel like I have the
munchies...

Do you do that? Do you smoke?

I mean, I haven't in a really
long time.

Yeah, me either.

My ex was... quite opposed.

And it's not like I can now,

I wouldn't even know where to
get the shit.

So, what do you do?

I don't do much of anything.

But, I guess calling about a
blown fuse at one a.m.

Is kind of a giveaway.

[Laughs]

[Muffled] I'm close!

Go, baby, go!

[Moans]

[Camera snaps]

[Muffled] Did you see this?

Some kid threw a desk

And he's being charged with
assault with a deadly weapon.

Hey, that movie's still
playing...

What movie?

The new Almodovar film...

I think it's closing tomorrow.

Do you want to go tonight?

I don't know...

I'd probably fall asleep
reading the subtitles.

Maybe there's a decent bootleg

Or screener rip somewhere
online?

We could watch it this weekend.

I'm checking right now.

I don't see anything.

Well, honey, go.

Go see it tonight.

I don't want to go alone.

When has that ever stopped you?

You love Pedro's stuff.

Go.

Okay.

There's an early showing...

I could be back before dinner.

Perfect.

Well, I need to get back.

[Kisses] Enjoy the movie.

Thanks for lunch.

[Door opens and closes]

Hey, Darren!

Hi.

Hey.

You like nice.

Were you out?

Yeah.

Joe, I'm really tired.

Okay.

Good night.

[Muffled sex noises]

[Old music]

[Camera snaps]

[Knocks from front door]

Hi.

Hi.

Is that a record?

Yeah. I like the sound, it's
warmer.

Well, I remembered you said you
wish you had some,

So...

Uh, wow...

You didn't have to do this, Joe.

I wanted to.

I can't accept that.

Yeah, take it. It's yours.

Okay. Well, um... at least have
some with me?

Am I interrupting?

Interrupting what?

It's just me.

Okay.

Why'd that asshole leave you?

He didn't really leave me...

He was interested in adding a
third.

To the relationship?

To the bedroom.

I guess that's how it starts.

I don't know...

I was an only child, I'm not
into group activities.

Who was it?

Someone he met at work.

Co-worker?

Patient. Some twink.

Urologist?

Plastic surgeon.

I guess he was proud of his
work.

Men are fucking assholes.

No...

Well, I left my wife...

You had a good reason.

I guess I shouldn't have
married her...

I was just scared.

Scared of what?

I don't know.

There are moments where it felt
right.

Moments where I felt like I was

Where I was supposed to be...

With the person I was supposed
to be with...

Being the person I was supposed
to be.

Then there were other moments I
felt like...

I should be sucking a dick.

Do you regret it?

Getting married?

No, I don't really regret it
all, because...

I wouldn't have had my son

And having him and being able
to hold him

Was really worth every bit of
being oppressed.

And when my wife took him away,

I thought things would never
feel right again,

But... all of the sudden, they
start to.

Yeah, well, I don't think...

I don't think your wife yanked
him away

Due to your inability to be a
loving father.

She's probably just pissed...

And taking it out on you.

You know? Maybe she's scared...

She probably realizes this is
it...

She's not going to find anybody
else like you.

I imagine straight men aren't
as gentle.

I know this is reaching way
back there, but...

Whatever happened to that guy
you moved here for?

It, uh... It was problematic.

We...

We met on the internet,

Spent like four days together...

Four days?

You packed up your entire life

And move across the country for
four days?

We were really young...

In lust... It was an adventure.

I haven't had too many of those
since.

Did you know anybody here?

Where'd you stay?

Until I met Mark, I lived out
of my car for a little while.

Yeah.

Does he know...

That's what you went through?

No... No, um...

Leigh and I fell out of touch
for a while after that.

Do you guys still talk?

Mmhmm. Yeah, we talk.

He's my oldest friend.

So you see each other?

No... um... He moved...

To California, actually. He
makes movies.

Anything I would've seen?

No, not unless you watch gay
movies.

Pornos?

Gay-themed movies.

I mean, yeah, I've Netflixed
some.

They're usually really bad.

Yeah...

What's it about?

It's about two guys who spend
four days together...

Guess I was just lucky enough

To have my heart broken by a
screenwriter.

Honestly, I'm just gonna take a
break...

I mean, no one wants to finance
it because it's a drama.

And you know, it's not just
that it's a drama,

It's that it's serious.

I mean, gays want drama...

Clearly, it's innate... But
within a comedy.

A raunchy, feel-good romantic
comedy.

God forbid you deny them a sex
scene...

Or make 'em think.

Well, how's everything else?

Great! Apparently, I am dating
the son of the Princess of
Kuwait

And the Sheikh of Qatar.

How'd you meet?

In a bar... aren't we classy.

Gay men don't usually meet in
the

"Let's tell the kids about
this" sorts of ways...

It's not like we meet at church
picnics

Or bump carts at the
supermarket...

I mean, like us! Look at how we
met.

[Footsteps on stairs]

[Door opens and closes
upstairs]

[Muffled] Hi!

Hi!

God, I love the way summer
smells...

Like chlorine with a hint of
barbeque.

What have we here?

I'm making duck.

Duck? You've never made duck
for me before.

Well, I've never actually
cooked it before...

But I did see it done earlier
on the cooking channel

And I'm feeling pretty good
about it so far.

[Smoke alarm]

Oh, shit! Is that the entire
building, or just us?

Just us!

I'm sorry - I told you I've
never cooked duck before!

[Alarm stops]

What happened?

I don't know!

I guess the grease caught fire
when I wasn't looking...

I was prepping the plum sauce.

[Laughs]

Are you mad?

Why the hell would I be mad?

I don't know...

Maybe because last month we
almost broke up over a
sandwich.

[Television in background]

[From TV] Well, what do you
mean?

Well, you're pretty young.

I mean, you're pretty and young.

And I can see you've got a lot
to learn...

Oh, feel free to change the
channel...

This is the only thing I could
find that wasn't a reality
show.

No, it's fine... I just can't
believe it's on again.

What is it?

Double Exposure.

I mean, it's really good, if
you like old movies.

I'm Luce...

As in Lucy, not as in the
result of being a whore.

So, which apartment are you?

Oh, I don't live here.

You don't?

I mean - sorry. I know someone
that lives here.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't just go around to
random apartments

And use their gyms.

No, I'm friends with someone
that lives here...

Gotcha.

They don't ever use their
gym pass,

So they gave it to me to use
whenever I want.

You want any more of this?

No, I'm good.

So, you and your ex lived in
Cool Springs? Right?

Uh-huh.

[Sneezes]

That's kind of fancy...

Yeah... He's still there.

Mmm.

So...

Were you, like... kept?

I'm sorry, I hope I didn't
offend you with that question.

No, I... I was.

He was an older guy...

He took care of me, but...

I had my own ambitions...

There were things that I wanted
to do...

I took photographs...

Mmhmm.

I worked with this talent
agency and they'd send me models

And actors looking for
headshots.

That's why I got this place...

But...

I couldn't really stick with it.

Every time they'd call or need
me,

I'd be off with Mark somewhere.

Holiday in Bermuda, whatever...

It just didn't materialize.

Yeah? Sure, why not.

So, what do you do now?

Now?

Uh... Now, I... Uh...

What is it, like, top secret?

I grow facial hair...

For a man I've never met...

Who pays me two hundred
dollars a week to see
photographs.

He pays you two hundred dollars
a week...?

To take pictures of your
fucking facial hair?

He PayPals me every Friday.

That's the most incredible
thing I've ever heard.

It takes care of the Amex bill.

So, wait a minute though,
okay...

How the fuck does someone
become a freelance beard-grower?

How does that even happen?

I answered an ad on Craigslist.

What!

"Can you grow a thick beard?"

Yes.

"Do you own a digital camera?"

Yes.

"Do you want to make two
hundred bucks a week?"

Sure!

That's incredible!

I mean, I know it's crazy,
but...

It motivated me to do something
about my situation.

Oh, I'm not judging you by any
means.

Trust me, I would gladly -
gladly -

Hand the department of motor
vehicles

My two week notice,

If some cyber-perv wanted to pay

My two hundred dollars a
fucking week

To grow out my leg hair!

Are you kidding me?

I mean, my love life would
probably go down the toilet...

But it would probably be worth
it...

For a while, at least.

Well, my gig pales in
comparison.

You wouldn't believe some of
the other shit I saw on there.

I wouldn't believe?

Trust me, I frequent CraigsList
solely for amusement.

The missed connections are
hilarious.

What are missed connections?

They're sort of like
personals...

But for people who have kind of
already met.

You know, they used to have
them in regular newspapers...

Okay, example

:We hung out the other night at
my apartment...

And we watched The Breakfast
Club

And then we fucked and then I
went to the bathroom...

When I came out you were
sticking my flash drive up your
vagina.

I'd really like to see you
again,

And my flash drive.

You really have never seen
them?

You need to.

This nugget is shaped like
Indiana.

I went to Indiana once.

For what?

A colonoscopy.

[Laughs]

You asked!

I lost my virginity to a
colonoscopy.

Shut the fuck up!

For all intents and purposes!

My doctor looked like C. Thomas
Howell.

Ponyboy?

Among other roles.

Other roles?

Yeah.

What?

Soul Man?

Soul Man! Really?

Exactly!

'Cause that's what I like to
imagine...

My doctor in fucking black face,

Sticking a tube up my ass.

I hate to be the bearer of bad
news...

But I think these are
frostbitten.

Well, they look fucked up.

They have a sackful.

You just get a lot of them?

Yeah, you get twelve

And then you get some fries and
two drinks.

Let's do that.

I like mine with cheese and
mayonnaise only,

I hope that's not a problem.

Uh-uh.

No.

I fucking hate mustard!

Thank you.

Is that a birth mark?

Uh, well... I don't want to be
too obvious.

Too obvious about what?

Oh, I think it's just...

You know, like that dude in
Grease.

What?

You know, the one that's the
leader of the Scorpions.

They call him Crater Face.

Crater Face, yeah.

Like Seal.

[Laughs]

I know, what's up with that?

Why do girls like that shit so
much?

Cha Cha wasn't bad looking.

Remember?

Cha Cha?

The one that came...

And caused Sandy and him

To have a big tiff because she
danced with him?

Oh! The fucking Puerto Rican
bitch!

Oh - yes, yes.

So, whatever happened to him?

Who?

C. Thomas Howell.

Rae Dawn Chong and a ruptured
appendix.

[Laughs]

I had it bad for him.

Oh, yeah?

Uh... I mean, I could tell from
our conversation earlier,
but...

I wore out my VHS copies of The
Outsiders,

Side Out, and Soul Man...

Like regular people wear out
hardcore porn.

Did you ever seen that one movie

Where he munched on Joan
Severance's box?

And he had the handlebar
mustache?

You didn't like that?

Yeah, it was all right.

I remember... racing back to
Blockbuster

To inquire about purchasing it
"previously viewed."

Mmhmm.

They wouldn't do it.

So then, I asked if I could
special order it...

Couldn't do that...

The damn thing was in
moratorium,

They weren't making it anymore.

You were fucking persistent.

So, I rented it again and took
it home and tried to copy it...

But that didn't work out so
well because

Fucking Trimark had put one of
those

Macrovision distorted signals
on it that prevent you from
copying it...

Like when you try and watch a
cable...

Like Cinemax...

Yeah, yeah - back before things
were digital

And you're trying to get a
channel

You're supposed to have and
it's all like...

[Laughs] That's pretty much
what it looked like...

And with that sound effect too.

[Laughs] Well...

Anyway, go ahead, I know what
you're saying...

Anyway, I gave up after that...

And it wasn't much long after
that

That I had my first experience
with a man.

Five people, right?

Mmm...

Seth Rogen... David Duchovny...

Hold on. How do you spell
Duchovny?

I don't know. It looks like
Dutch-oveny.

It is - David Dutch-oveny.

That's is name on the streets.

All right...

Uh, Rainn Wilson...

Rainn Wilson from The Office?

What other Rainn Wilson is
there?

I always get him confused with
Bruce Willis' daughter.

Rumor?

The bitch looks like Big Mac
Tonight.

Two more.

Rob Zombie...

And Alan Rickman.

Snape?

He's hot.

Actions?

Uh... bite... Lick...

Suck... Fuck...

Kiss.

Body parts?

Mouth... and, or lips...

Breasts...

Ass...

Uh... vagina...

Don't fucking do that.

What?

I fucking can't stand when gay
guys do that.

They act like fucking vaginas

Are some kind of like toxic
wasteland

And the grossest thing ever.

Um, they are.

Uh, first of all, you came out
of one!

Second of all, you stick your
dick in a place

That shit comes out of...

I can't think of anything
groser.

One more.

Neck.

Okay, I have to ask about
this...

Enlighten me.

Mark's idea of a gift.

Like a gag gift?

No, like, "Hi, honey. I went to
Germany, enjoy!"

This was his idea of a romantic
gesture?

Mark's one of those
ultra-conservatives

Who's a radical in the bedroom.

Wow... Who?

Yeah... This is not good... At
all.

You know what would be good...?

Seth Rogen... sucking your
ass...

On the rooftop of an
apartment building...

To "Lay Lady Lay."

That happens to everyone...

Seth Rogen's out sucking asses.

Mmm! What?

I need to go take a picture of
my face!

Man, I wish I could read German!

This stuff does look quite
fascinating...

Like this dude in a gas mask...

He looks like he just came out
of a fucking coalmine.

[Muffled] Honey, change the
channel...

No. Okay, wait a second,

So... If gay marriage
supposedly devalues

The sanctity of marriage, then
what's all this bullshit?

Who's out there actively
protesting shows like The
Bachelor?

I love that you don't need a
football game

To get drunk and scream at the
television.

Well, it pisses me off, and I'm
tired of living here.

Hey... Come here...

[Muffled] We'll never be able
to get married here,

It's fucking illegal to say the
word "gay" in this state.

Please tell me you can hear
these people talking.

Yeah, it's my upstairs
neighbors.

How is it that we're able to
hear them so well?

I don't know... it's some
acoustical oddness.

Can they hear us?

I don't think so.

They're this really cute gay
couple...

Oh, yeah? Uh-uh

One of them looks like C.
Thomas Howell...

Oh, Lord!

I'm serious.

And the other one looks like
Patrick Wilson.

Oh, now he is hot!

Did you ever see Little
Children?

Mmhmm.

That scene with him and Kate
Winslet...

Oh, my God...

On the washing machine?

I didn't know who to look at!

I knew what to look at -
between his legs.

I just remember pausing it
right on his ass

And looking at it for long
periods of time.

[Muffled] Hey, how was the -uh
uh

Almodovar film?

I forgot to ask you.

You forgot to ask me?

I feel uncomfortable that it's
in the sex books.

What?

[Muffled] It was good.

A lot better than I thought.

Yeah?

He's lying.

Who?

Patrick Wilson?

No. C. Thomas Howell.

What?

Oh, you mean the neighbor that
looks like him?

He's lying.

He didn't go to the movie.

How do you even know what
fuckin' movie

They're talking about?

Uh... I was there.

What'd you do? Comb the theater?

Get a part time job as an usher?

Okay. One.

A subtitled movie on Wednesday
night

In Nashville doesn't exactly
draw a crowd.

Okay, that's fair.

Two. I went to purposely bump
into him.

What?

He's fucking lying.

Okay, he's lying.

But do you realize that this
says way more about you

Than it does about him?

Hi. Hi. I'm sorry, I know it's
really late...

I just... I need to ask you
something.

I'm all ears, angel.

Hypothetically,

Let's say you've got this
character in this screenplay
you're writing.

He looks like C. Thomas Howell.

He's in what appears to be an
otherwise,

Functioning, garden variety
domestic partnership.

Uh. He's He's...

Maybe he's got some sort of
Madame Bovary complex.

He started doing things that
are a little out of character.

He's going out alone and lying
about where he's been.

So... where's he been?

Hypothetically?

This is a little arduous for
2AM my time.

Remember that couple that used
to live on either side of you?

Yeah. Isabelle and the
charlatan...

I forget his name.

Okay well you didn't know them,
per Se,

But you knew from certain
context clues that, you know,

They were in a pretty rocky
relationship.

Hearing them scream, and
slamming doors,

And going back and forth
between apartments

Is all really anyone would need
to figure out the situation.

Even someone in typhlotic
shock.

Okay, well, what if uhh what if
they hadn't been so operatic.

What if uh maybe you'd heard
more intimate moments

Between the two of them?

Okay. Spit it out.

Okay. My upstairs neighbor,
who, yes, I'll admit,

I've had a crush on since the
day I moved in.

But, even if I wasn't so
socially awkward

And could speak to him, nothing
would come of it because,

He he isn't single and what
would I want with him anyway?

I believe in fidelity.

And his boyfriend's some guy in
a suit and I'm nothing,

But anyway -

[Muffled sex noises]

I think he's hiding something.

[Sex noises]

Damn. They are...

Yeah-So.

What's the deal? Do you think
he's like cheating or what?

I don't know. I guess I'll
never know

Unless they talk about it.

Well, if they do, you're bound
to hear it.

Cause I can hear everything.

[Laughs]

Oh. Man.

I didn't mean to sleep that
long.

What're you doing?

Well, I should probably go.

See my friend in Building Four.

You can stay.

No, you can stay, it's late.

I appreciate that and normally
I'd take you up on that,

But one: all my work clothes
are over there.

Oh, okay, gotcha.

And two,

He has texted me like ten times,

Cause I did promise him a
piece, so...

Oh he's that kinda friend?

He's that kinda friend.

[Sex noises]

That's out of control.

How do you sleep at night?

[Laughs]

I've gotten used to it.

You better invest in some ear
plugs.

Stat.

Oh my God, do you wanna see
beard guy?

Yes! Yes!

Okay.

[Sex noises]

What'd you say this guy's name
was?

Aldo.

Aldo?

Hmmm...

[Aldo] Thank you for your
photos.

Your beard is looking great,
man.

This can't be for real.

[Aldo] I was wondering - when
did you start shaving?

[Music]

Thanks for breakfast.

You're welcome.

Sure you don't want any?

I don't really eat breakfast.

At least at breakfast time.

I've been meaning to ask you
something.

I've never really done anything
like this before,

So, bear with me. Uh.

Joe?

I think I know what you're
gonna ask.

You do?

And... I'd prefer it if you
didn't.

No, no, I was gonna ask if you
wanted to

Go to the movie sometime.

Joe, I just asked you not to
ask me.

So you don't want me to ask you
to go to the movies?

You don't like movies?

Clearly I like the movies

And I'd like to go sometime if
there's something playing

That we both wanna see, I just.

I don't want you thinking that
it can be anything more than
that.

More than what?

[Sighs]

More than just going to the
movies.

Why'd you cook me breakfast?

Why'd you invite me for coffee
that night?

Because, Joe, I like you.

I like you, too. I'm really
comfortable around you.

I like spending time with you.

Is this, um, cause of what I do?

Because I'm just a maintenance
man?

Come on, Joe.

You know I don't think of you
like that.

Look at me... you know, I'm
single for the first time in my
life.

I'm unemployed.

I'm a mess. I need to figure
things out.

So figure it out.

[Water running]

Listen, I got to get back.

Okay.

[Music]

[Door opens] I forgot my keys.

[Music resumes]

Hey. I was wondering.

You have any baseball caps or
anything?

I would love to see you in a
baseball cap.

With the beard.

[Muffled] Hey, honey, it's me.

Call me back when you get this.

I've got some news! I'm going
for a swim,

So if I don't answer, I'll call
you back.

[Footsteps, then door upstairs
opens]

[Music]

[Footsteps up stairs]

[Music]

[Phone vibrates]

Hello?

Leigh. I'm in their apartment.

Get out of there, go.

If this were one of your movies,

Where would I look for a clue
or something?

Uh, we'll talk more from your
apartment.

[Door opens]

[Leigh, on phone] Hello?

[Phone rings]

Hello?

Hi.

Hey, baby, how are you doing?

Did you get my message?

What message?

I got a callback for the
sausage commercial.

That's great.

Who took this picture?

What picture?

The one you sent me.

Um, I don't know, really, I
don't remember.

You don't remember?

So how long have you been in
the habit

Of posing nude for cell phone
cameras?

It's an old picture.

It's like two years old.

So?

Now you remember when it was
taken.

Do you remember where?

What do you want me to do,

Lie to you and tell you I used
a self timer?

My ex boyfriend took it.

Hello?

Hi.

Are you all right?

No.

Why haven't I ever seen this
before?

Honey, why is it such a big
deal?

You're always asking for photos
at work.

I thought you'd like it.

You thought I'd like looking at
a memory of you

With your ex?

I feel like I'm gonna throw up.

I mean. That phone call proves
everything.

Even his boyfriend's
suspicious.

Suspicious codependents aren't
that hard to come by,

Especially if they're gay.

And all the phone call proves

Is that you were hiding under
their bed.

Darren, you leave a life of
luxury,

To live in a paper thin cave,

And break into strangers' homes?

Have you completely lost your
mind?

I should've gone through the
hamper and checked his pockets.

Who cares about his pockets.

You need to think about your
own pockets

And how you're gonna line them
from now on.

Christ, the least you could've
done was rob them.

I need to call Leigh back

Leigh?

Is he encouraging this behavior?

Of course he is, he's probably
writing a movie about it.

Hey. Um.

No, I got out.

Um. The boyfriend?

Very suspicious.

He's really mistrustful.

I heard them talking -

I'm just. I'm gonna go.

Hey, hold on a sec.

No, no no no no.

No.

Could you stay?

I was hoping you'd shave my
back for me?

It's grown out to the point
where I can't go to the pool.

I'm gonna go, but I'm glad to
see you've learned how to
burgle.

[Door closes]

[Washing machine]

[Phone rings]

Hello?

[Luce, on phone] Hey, listen.

The object of your distrust is
down here at the gym.

And I just heard him on the
phone with someone,

Saying that he's gonna meet
them downtown in half an hour.

[Beep] Hold on.

I've got another call.

Hello?

You not busy Thursday night,
are you?

There's someone you have to
meet.

Oh yeah? Who?

His name's Walt DePore,

He owns a very successful
business,

He's adorable,

And I'm sure it would be his
honor to shave your back

For as long as you both shall
live!

What're we having?

I don't know, pasta or
something.

Bring an appetite.

I'll meet you in five minutes.

[Footsteps]

Um. You have an aluminum bat in
your car?

Yeah!

Why?

Well, I don't trust myself to
own a firearm.

[Laughs]

And so I feel like, if shit
went down,

Anyone can bust out a gun,

But if I come at them with
this, and just start screaming?

Yeah.

So. This dumb girl I work with
who I hate

Invited me to this shrimp party.

What the fuck is a shrimp
party?

I have no idea, but she said
that

I have to bring my own chair,
side item,

And booze.

Mm-mm.

Yeah! What incentive is that?

For people who have to drive
twenty minutes

Across town when I can go to
fuckin' Red Lobster

Down the street, where shrimp
is bottomless,

And I don't have to put up with
people

That I fucking hate that I have
to deal with all the time
anyway?

And you get those cheddar
biscuit things.

Those are good.

Where is she getting the shrimp?

Is she catching it?

I don't know.

Maybe she's married to a
fisherman.

I try not to ask her too much
about herself,

Cause that gives her the
impression that I care.

I think going to a party she's
having and bringing a chair,

Side item, and alcohol gives
her the impression that you
care.

I didn't say I was going.

I just said she invited me.

Kay.

So how's your friend?

What friend?

Your friend in building four.

He's fine I guess.

I mean he was fine the last
time I saw him.

Has it always been casual?

Define casual.

Has it always been about sex

Or have you guys ever dated?

Eh. I mean it's pretty much
always been about sex.

We never dated, if you mean
like,

Take me to dinner and a movie.

No, that's never happened.

Then what do you guys do?

You just go over there?

And - I mean - what?

You go to the gym, and go over
there and screw?

Do you spend the night?

Yeah. Usually.

Okay. I mean that's not all we
do.

So it's a nocturnal
relationship?

If that's how you choose to
define it.

We were friends before.

How long?

About five years.

So, you were legitimately
friends?

Yeah!

When did sex come into it?

I don't know. It was kinda
weird.

He just... asked me to come
over one night

And it just kinda happened.

I mean it's nice and enjoyable
and...

He doesn't mind seeing me naked,

So, I guess, you know, that's a
plus.

Have you always been attracted
to him?

Yeah.

We've always really gotten
along.

Do you ever have sex during the
day?

Yeah that's happened some.

You guys both get a day off at
the same time.

I don't know, we don't have a
schedule.

It's not like on each one of
our refrigerators there's a
schedule.

[Laughs]

[Music]

Look. I'm about to cut my
fuckin' arm off.

Why?

My fuckin' elbow it's just been
so dry.

And it's just the left one, and
I try everything.

I try lotion, cream. Nothin'
works.

Um.

Oh my God.

Our elbows were separated at
birth.

No, for real. I've got-

What do you use?

Because I've got this cocoa
butter.

I just told you that nothin'
else works.

I've got this cocoa butter
cream that every other part of
my body?

Fine.

I've used a loofah and
washcloth in the shower...

I've scrubbed it to the point
where it's bled.

Nothing. It's just forever
ashy.

I know exactly what you mean,
it sucks.

I'm telling you it's an
epidemic.

They need to do a special on it.

[Laughs]

Dry elbows.

And how they're ruining
America.

Um.

What?

All right.

So he's probably having an
affair.

That guy looks like Taylor
Lautner.

Who?

You know there are other ways
of getting the truth

Without having to stalk a
person.

What do you mean?

Well, generally when you're
more familiar with someone,

The easier it is to get them to
reveal shit.

How am I supposed to do that?

He's your neighbor, D, just
borrow some sugar.

Start a conversation.

You're joking.

What would I say?

All right, you said something
about him needing new headshots.

So I'm going to make you some
business cards.

Just drop one in his mailbox,

He'll give you a call,

You will have his number,

And before you know it he'll be
in your apartment

Ready to pose.

Since he doesn't have to drive
home,

It'd be kind of impolite not to
stay for a drink.

[Muffled] I wasn't thinking.

I overreacted, I'm sorry.

No, honey, it was completely
inappropriate.

I wasn't thinking.

I'm sorry.

I overreacted.

[Kisses and moans]

[Crickets]

[Music]

Is this why you haven't been
going to the pool lately?

Maybe.

Well, let's do it.

Just let me pee first.

[Laughs]

Joe, shut up.

It used to be a lot worse,

But my ex had a colleague try
the laser removal.

Oh, it didn't work?

No, not entirely, no, but you
know

I'd like to have the rest
removed one day

When I can afford to.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Yeah, well, it's lookin' pretty
broke to me.

It's the way you're made, kid.

Yeah, well, women were made
with hair under their arms,

On their legs, and sometimes
their upper lips,

You don't see them walking
around town looking like beasts.

I've been trying to think of
some money making schemes
lately.

Not for laser removal?

[Laughs] No. Other than being
broke and having bills

I can't pay, I don't know, maybe

I want to start taking some
classes in the fall,

But I'm thinking my credit
needs some improvement

Before that can happen.

Are you coasting on credit?

I'm living on credit.

What do you know about eBay?

What about it?

People can actually sell stuff
on there and it works?

Yeah. People do it all the
time.

What do you want to sell?

Um. I don't know,

I mean, I've got a shit ton of
movies

And a lot of records that I'm
guessing are pretty rare.

Yeah, I think people would eat
those up.

You ever used eBay?

Uh, once.

There was this gorgeous upright
from 1880, pale green,

And in God awful disrepair, but
I didn't care,

I wanted it for the looks. It
was $10.80.

Sure, $10.80 is great for a
piano, but it wasn't until

After I'd won the goddamn thing

That I realized it was halfway
across the country

And shipping would be a
nightmare.

Um, so, I wrote them a check
for $11,

Apologized profusely for the
inconvenience,

But by that time they had left
me horrible feedback

And eBay had suspended my
account.

I'll get your records listed.

If you don't mind.

I don't mind, actually.

By the way, why'd you take that
key?

You knew?

Of course I knew.

Five keys and one goes missing?

[Laughs]

Uh. Why didn't you say
anything?

Darren, I gave you pot.

A great deal of pot, actually.

I can't exactly report you for
taking a key.

But, you know, I am awfully
curious.

Do you wanna tell me why you
took it?

No.

Who is this person?

You told me to bring an
appetite.

Cute.

You're always trying to fix me
up with someone

Just because he has money.

That is not the only reason I'm
trying to fix you up with Walt!

It's not?

No! Walt is... lovely.

Uh huh.

Well, let's see if he can get
along with my friend.

So, uh, when did you get all
that?

Oh it's taken years.

Really?

Uh huh.

It's cute, I really like it.

Yeah. It's quite an investment.

Yeah, there's still some more
that I wanna add to it.

Oh yeah?

Uh huh.

Like what were you thinking
about adding?

I was thinking about adding
maybe E.T. in drag.

[Laughs]

In drag?

Not like Priscilla, Queen of
the Desert drag,

But like how E.T. was in the
movie,

With the blonde wig and pearl
necklace.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah.

I love that she has a Freddy
Krueger hand.

Like she's killing people in
their dreams.

So. How long have you known
Greg?

A long time.

Those shoes would look
fantastic on you.

They do.

You should borrow them.

I don't know what occasion
you'd wear them for.

For work? Where would I not
wear them?

I thought that you did weddings?

I thought that was your deal?

I do a lot of weddings.

Like, how many do you do?

How many have you done this
year?

Twenty eight, so far.

But after -

A lot!

But after the next one,

I have two months off to
reclaim my position as a
celebutante!

What the fuck is that?

So how'd you meet Greg?

Oh, we met at some get together
a while ago.

Some business professionals
thing?

[Laughs] Yeah.

Something like that.

Yeah he's incredible.

You know, he's - he paints, too.

Yeah?

Full of surprises.

Look at this little guy.

Yeah. He's really imaginative.

Yeah, look, she's like a pie
secretary.

She's on the phone telling her
boss's lies.

Her boss the pie.

That fucker!

And then, run and get the
coffee while a smile

Hides the rage in your eyes.

Yeah.

I know, it's -

She's pissed.

Well, her boss.

And then this one is my
favorite one

Because it's "tonight she's
searching for a reason"

As she's walking home alone in
the rain."

And I really like that she's so
sad

And when a pie cries... it's so
sad.

Yeah.

Anytime a pie cries it hurts me
in the feelings.

Mm-hmm.

Do you like to fish?

Are you a fisherman, Walt?

[Laughs] Yes. I'm an avid
offshore fisherman.

I don't know, I've never really
fished

Except for maybe once when I
was five.

We could take my boat out this
weekend maybe.

[Phone vibrates]

Who's calling you?!

It's this asshole Christian TV
personality.

I thought you were supposed to
call them.

[Laughs] Well this one will not
leave me alone.

What he's want? To save your
soul?

No. I don't know.

But I keep telling him that I'm
not into fucking fishes and
loaves.

I'm into cake and sodomy, thank
you!

Right, and he doesn't get it,
huh?

No!

That's fucking gross.

He's gonna end up married with
like three kids.

It's so sad.

That is sad.

I mean. I don't know why I
can't just meet like a nice
retarded guy

Like Giovanni Ribisi in "The
Other Sister."

Oh yes he's so cute.

He is. I mean, I would date him.

That's not weird, at all.

No, no, no, no.

I would totally... I would date
Rain Man.

Have you ever been to Sicily?

No, I have not.

I just got back. Visited the
Palatine Chapel.

Mmm.

Yeah. A Jesus thing.

We can't go to Vegas, because
they're too smart,

But I think Atlantic City might
work.

You take him and he'll count
the cards,

Or if you drop a box of
toothpicks, you just ask him,

"How many is that?"

How many are those?!

[In Rainman voice]"Four hundred
and twenty five!"

He just knows it.

He just knows.

Listen, though, I think the
charm would eventually just
wear off,

Cause look, I can't even cut up
my own god damn food,

Let alone my date's.

Who needs to cut food?

Just order it already cut.

You can't order a steak already
cut.

It's called chopped steak.

I don't like that shit.

We spent a breezy afternoon
right there at Porticello.

Just, just looking outside at
the gulf.

Right there.

Financial stability is very
important.

Not as important as not
throwing up

When someone takes their
clothes off.

Coffee.

Coffee?! So soon?!

Don't tell me the night's
almost over.

(Birds chirping)

[Knock at door]

Hi.

Look at you.

You off today?

I am off today.

Guess what?

What?

Your records sold.

What?

Yeah.

Which ones?

All of 'em.

What?

Yeah. So, we need to get them
packaged up

And I'll teach you how to use
your PayPal account.

Oh. Well, I already have one of
those.

Oh, okay. Well, first, I
thought we'd take a drive

And listen to this.

What the hell is that?

It's an iPod. It's yours.

Why'd you do this?

Well, I figured you'd need some
music to listen to.

What'd you put on it?

Your records.

[Music]

[Phone rings]

Hello?

[On phone, and muffled through
ceiling] Hello? Darren?

This is he.

Hi, Darren, I found one of your
cards in the mail.

I'd like to see about
scheduling a shoot.

Nothing elaborate, just a few
headshots.

Uhh... can I have your name?

[Darren, on phone] Um, okay,
he's going to be here tomorrow.

Well, after you're finished,

Be sure to ask him to stay for
a drink.

Then what?

Then call me back.

Let me know what happens.

This'll make a great movie.

[Music]

I hate this movie.

What?

My Boyfriend's Hotter Than
Yours.

[Shutter clicks]

Want a drink?

Nah, I'm okay, thanks though.

Nothing?

Yeah. I'm in AA.

Oh. Gotcha.

I used to think it was the only
way I could have fun.

But, hey, how do you think it
went?

How do you think the photos are
gonna turn out?

Great. I mean, you're, uh, very
photogenic.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

Seth Rogen? David Duchovny?
Rainn Wilson? Rob Zombie? ...

And Alan Rickman?

Yeah. Dirty Mash.

Mash. Like, "mansion,
apartment, shack, house?"

Yeah.

My sister and her friends used
to play that

All the time when we were
little.

Lick, bite, fuck, suck?

I can see why it's dirty.

Wanna play?

George Clooney.

Mm-hmm.

Uh. Colin Farrell.

Taylor Lautner.

[Laughs]

What?

I used to know someone

That looked like him.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Who?

[Knock at door]

[Luce sniffling]

What?

He's fuckin' somebody else.

What?

He's over there with somebody
else.

I thought you were just friends.

Are you okay?

No!

So what'd you guys do?

How'd you get him to stay?

Uh. We played a game.

Played a game

What'd you find out?

Well, innocently enough,

He's been meeting up with an
old friend.

Someone he used to be in love
with.

Someone who ran out on him
without explanation

And left him to wonder why.

[Music plays]

And over the summer, he called
me out of the blue.

Confessed his love for me.

Apologized for running away and
blamed it

On his abandonment issues.

You know, leave before you get
left.

And then he said we should try
again.

What'd he expect me to say?

"Let's go to New York! Let's
get married!"

He wouldn't back down,

So I've been taking him out to
coffee,

Get a small bite to eat,

Mainly because I feel bad for
him.

I just don't wanna be another
person

Who walks out on him in his
life, you know?

So it makes it really difficult
to try to explain -

Why you've been seeing Taylor
Lautner?

[Laughs]

Yeah.

[Crickets]

[Muffled] So you've been seeing
him?

It's not what you think.

I want you out - Honey.

I want you to pack up your shit

And I want you out of here.
It's not what you think!

It's not what I think?!

Babe, I pay your phone bill,
remember?

I see how often the two of you
fucking correspond.

[Footsteps]

[Shutter clicks]

[Water drips, razor buzzes, and
music plays]

I'm on a month to month lease,

And, I just, I want to be
closer to the record store

And to the college, you know?

I mean, I wouldn't move far,
just downtown,

I just, you know, if I sell my
car,

And maybe see about taking out
a loan,

I could start classes
relatively soon and...

Joe.

You've helped me get back on my
feet.

I just need to start doing
things for myself.

Otherwise, I may never know
how.

[Joe sighs]

[Crickets, then music]

[Laughs]

Oh, Luce, thank you.

Dude, don't even mention it.

It was like ten dollars on
Amazon.

What?!

Yeah.

Why is he biting her?

[Laughs]

I don't know.

I guess, cause, at first, she
was like

"I don't think I want this at
all."

BOOM!

I know. It's like,

If you're trying to be
discreet, you're gonna fail.

Her husband could walk in at
anytime.

He's about to!

I know, but they don't care.

And what are they on, like a
stove?

Um, yeah. Like, it looks like
one of those stoves

They make hash browns on at a
Waffle House.

It's a diner!

That does not attract me at all.

Who put?

There he is - he looks familiar.

He is the gay gym teacher in
Nightmare on Elm Street Part 2.

Oh, my God.

Yeah!

The one that picks up when like
Freddie's taking over

In the leather bar and takes
him back to the school.

Uh huh. God, that movie is so
gay.

He gets tied up. Like, whipped,
with a jump rope.

Mm-hmm.

I don't understand how he did
not hear or sense or smell

What was going on in there.

Smell?!

Yeah!

And he's holding a gun.

I know! Why did he have the
gun, anyway?

I can't remember.

Was he like a hunter?

Does he wish he was Charlton
Heston?

Doesn't everybody?

Why is he wiping off his mouth?

Uh.

[Laughs] Well, he does have a
mustache.

Juice.

Yeah but Charlton Heston when?

Like in that movie. "Moses" or
whatever.

Moses? [Laughs]

Whatever movie he it is that
was awesome.

The Ten Commandments?

Yeah.

His life was pretty shitty from
day one.

He was put in a basket. Like,
abandoned.

He lived to be really old, I
think.

He was doomed.

We're all doomed.

I mean most events in the Bible
aren't very fun.

Someone's getting tortured,
hurt, upset.

I know. It's really kinda
bloody.

Shitty things happen a lot.

Gay cities get destroyed.

Right.

Women having babies,

And they didn't even get to do
it first.

What's the incentive of that?

[Laughs] You didn't get to -

Mary originated I "Didn't Know
I was Pregnant."

I would probably want to be
around

When all that money changing
thing happened.

When Jesus gets pissed.

Whenever he catches the money
changers.

You know what I'm talking about.

Remember that story?

I never actually read it.

[Laughs]

[Music]

[Door opens]

Hey, is that all that's left?

Yep.

What time's that guy coming by
for your couch?

I don't know. He said five, so
I guess anytime now.

If he's not here by 5:30, it's
mine.

I said I'd get those.

Then you shoulda gotten it.

[Phone rings]

[Footsteps]

[Music]

[Door opens]

All right, kiddo, you're all
set.

Is there something we need to
talk about?

No?