Rzhevskiy protiv Napoleona (2012) - full transcript

Leiutenant Rzhevskiy is sent by Russian generals to stop Napoleon.

New English translation and subtitles
for the Russian original-version from 2012

By 'Herman the German' on behalf of the
'Hepster Bros. World Domination Department'


Pavel Derevyanko - Lieutenant Rzhevsky / Countess Rzhevska

Vladimir Zelensky - Napoleon Bonaparte (or just 'Bonya')

Svetlana Khodchenkova - Natasha Rostova (Miss Europe 1810)

Marat Basharov - Prince Bagratyon of Abkhazia

Mikhail Galustyan - Marquis De Mazosad 'Junior'

Vladimir Simonov - General Kutuzov

Mikhail Efremov - Count Tolstoy (or just 'Classic')

Svetlana Khodchenkova - Captain of the Guard

Kseniya Sobchak - Shu-shu (the 40-year-old Virgin)

Dmitry Mukhamedev - Marshal Ney (the Gay)

Our story, ladies and gentlemen, begins in Paris.

At that time, Paris was known as the capital of the world.

While Moscow fell in times of ruin, in Paris reigned

the famous Napoleon.

Meet the French Emperor: Napoleon Bonaparte.

A brilliant strategist, first-rate commander

and a great lover of women.


Sir, I don't want to bother you, but ...

My horse!




But the great Emperor had one small flaw.

For such a big personality, he had a very small shoe size.

It caused him a horrible complex. And this complex would drive

the Corsican all across 'Schengen Europe', from state to state.

'Size does not matter', he said ...

And he won on all fronts.

And in love too, of course.

Love makes the world go round!

Or, to put it in modern terms: libido

So driven by an insatiable libido,

this midget and enslaver arrived in the country,

where there lived the most beautiful women in the world.

But here, his libido would soon be clipped.


Hurrah! Russia!

- Yes, yes!
- Field Marshal, Sir,

- the French are at the gates of Moscow.
- Dismiss!

What do you say, my gentlemen officers? If we fight now, we lose an army.

If we lose the capital, we lose our honor.

I suggest, lose the honor. Your Excellency, why do we need Moscow?

The capital has no gas mains, no gasoline, not even oxygen to breathe!

But congestion in the streets! Yet the Kremlin without the 'Tzar's Bell'

wouldn't be acceptable, but, as you know, nobody is able to move it!

All right. We will allow the enemy taking the capital!

Cheers to that!

I just think, that Napoleon won't be satisfied just seizing Moscow.

He will move on, to the Urals.

I want to bog him down in Moscow all the way ...

- to the tops of his boots.
- Any Ideas?

How about sending a spy? With our women he will be bogged down.

We have already sent women many times.

Napoleon's conversation with a woman is short. Look.

Here we go.

So, now we have to pay her compensation.

- And this is the result.
- So, our spy ...

must be a super woman. She must be able to get him hooked,

- and not get pregnant.
- I have an idea.

Madam, how many times must I tell you that

I can't go on for so long without taking a breath!

Lieutenant Rzhevsky? Pack up your things, Lieutenant!

You're going with me. Personal order of the Tzar!

Aha! That's how it is. And where was the Tzar,

when they threw me into this hell?

- Shall I take out the roast?
- Get out, you fool!

- And why did it happen?
- Why?

- You overslept the battle!
- The task was weighing on me heavily ...

the order of raising the birth rate of the state!

Enough! There's no need, to dig up the past.

The fatherland is in danger. And it's your job

- to defend the home country.
- Home country ...

The home country is my weakness.

In short, the 'High Command' has issued an order,

to keep Napoleon in Moscow at any costs.

- That's it.
- But it requires a woman.

- And who is it?
- You!

- Me?
- Yes!

I'm a Russian officer and I should change every day my pants for panties?

- Never!
- I understand. It is difficult.

- But it is necessary for the fatherland.
- And for the fatherland, I now

- have to park my horse screwy?
- It's war!

- Well, each stands at it's own front.
- So you even may order me

to give myself away to Bonaparte?

If there is such an order, you'll obey! After you fulfilled the task,

you will be awarded a medal.

'Flowers in the sun, my Georgia!'

I will throw a party for you! Lamb chops barbeque ...

What kind of country is this? Only with a medal,

- is a man's work rewarded.
- And? Do you accept?


All agreed, just take me out of here!

And here we are in the Kremlin, the most elite neighborhood.

The parking for coaches is just five minutes away. Quiet neighbors, very quiet.

Security is almost perfect.

In the entire history of the Kremlin, only two kings have been killed here.

Let's go inside, Sir. The floor is parquet.

All new plumbing. The bathroom is separate.

The bathroom is on the first floor, toilet on the third.

It's nice, really nice, if only it were a little cheaper!

This is not Paris, this is Moscow.

Imperial bed, another advantage of this option.

Would you like to try out the mattress?


Look at the other rooms now, I will review the bedroom.

If you shake on it now, I'll demonstrate the innerspring mattress to you.

OK, it's a deal!

- Hello, 'Left-hand'!
- Sir, I'm not deaf.

- I'm cross-eyed.
- Forgive me, son, I always forget.

It's our pride. Many years of research, did cost

millions of the budget. Hundreds of the best minds,

worked on this specimen. The 'cap of invisibility', gentlemen!

It needs further work!

The 'unfolding sword'!

- Goldfish?
- Yes.

- Three wishes?
- No, this one grants only one.

- It's damaged.
- The 'flying carpet'.

Let's go!

Do you have a 'magical tablecloth'?


- So ... where's the vodka?
- We have only the non-alcoholic version left.

I do not know what this is,

but I feel that I'll need it for security. Give me fifty.



Well, it's time, get into the cannon.

'The cannon' in what sense , your Excellency?

Towards Moscow we'll adjust it and then: fire!

- What do you mean by 'fire'?
- Flames will be blazing out of the gun barrel!

As soon as you'll get there, find a man who's called 'the Count'.

He heads the resistance. He will give you further instructions.

I do not agree. Take me back. I will not go into the cannon!

- Lieutenant! Lieutenant!
- Where are you?

Lieutenant! Lieutenant!

Lieutenant! Take me with you. I've got divorced from my husband,

- now I do completely belong to you.
- Fire!

- Take me with you.
- Fire, Fire!

Dear Muscovites, and uninvited guests of our city.

For a few roubles you can join in on this exclusive tour,

of our capital before the great fire.

I swear, by my mother, I didn't see. Yesterday I checked it,

and now the seal is gone. Please, let's go home, we'll talk!

My bollocks! You bastards!

As soon as I'll get there, I'll make you pay for this!

I need your clothes.

Hasta la vista, woman.

Yes, this is Rzhevsky.

Ah ... Oh ...


- Count Lev Nikolayevich, you?
- Do you know me?

Sure, your portrait had been printed,

- even in my fifth-grade textbook.
- So you recognize me? Well done!

Well, you are the man from the 'High Command'?

Yes, Lieutenant Rzhevsky, ready for the task.

- Vaat should I do?
- What?

- I'm asking, vaat should I do?
- First, you must pronounce correctly:

- 'what', not 'vaat'.
- Do not mess with a lady, grandpa!

You're a 'lady', you think you are?

Scarecrow! Did you see yourself in the mirror? Barnyard hen!

Look out! Don't insult me, old man, or I'll smash your face,

- so that you'll confuse yourself with Alexey!
- Demyan!

I remember you complaining, that for three years you haven't had a woman.

- So what?
- Do you want her? Take her!

This scarecrow? Lord, forgive me!

No, not that one! I'd be rather alone for another three years, or even ten.

You've got it? Do you still want to go like this to Napoleon?

'Bonjour, bonjour' Count. 'Comment ca va?' Long time, no see.

'Bonjour', Madam. I apologize, my peasant boots wouldn't allow me to come here.

The war. Yes, war does terrible things to people.

Count, you seem to suffer from a bad taste ...

- Who is this scarecrow with you?
- I'm relying on your

professional skills, Madam. This auntie must be turned

into a princess.

- How many years do I have?
- Three hours!

First of all, men require attractive packaging.

Here I am with a pair of wings, coming close to you ...

Coming close to you ...

My love did put away with vanity ...

With vanity ...

Oh, this time by a single pair of wings ...

Lips, lips, lips. Lips are ladies' only weapon of love, which are not covered by clothing.

And most important is not what, but how they are speaking.

We have to charm, deceive, manipulate,

but most important, under all circumstances,

you mustn't let the bumblebees land on your flowers.

Sorry, I don't understand botany, to hell with the bumblebees.

- If some will land, so be it.
- Don't you understand the metaphor, Lieutenant?

You have no nectar! Well, you'll understand one day!

So, Countess Rzhevska, from now on, the fate of Russia

is resting in your hands!

Girls, what a lucky day!

They say Rzhevsky is back!

Not a word about me. Not a word ...

- Ney, who is this Rzhevsky?
- A pretender, my Emperor.

A love-hero from local folklore and wives' tales. Don't pay any attention to him.

Ney, why isn't anyone inviting me to dance?

You're a general. Do something!

Go on, try it. Now you will surely succeed.

Countess Rzhevska and Count Tolstoy!

- Son of a bitch ...
- Countess, you are a decent lady.

- Curse in French!
- Do you have a plan?

Why so close? I'm going to flirt with Napoleon.

Lieutenant, you're a woman. You don't flirt, you only hang around ...

Leo Nikolayevich, your chauvinism makes me want to throw myself under a train.

I'm sorry!

Madam, your appearance here greatly pleases Napoleon Bonaparte.

Then I wish him health. And what's your name, young man?

I am the Emperor of France, Napoleon Bonaparte.

Wow! I'm sorry, I was not aware!

Politics doesn't interest me, but if there's a true lover in the room,

I can detect it by the smell.

I'm pleasantly surprised, Madam.

- Usually, I'm the one who makes such statements.
- This is Moscow, you funny boy.

Here we are all predators!

You must tell me, where did you get that hat?

- This is an original 'Armani'.
- Stop bragging, Emperor.

Gee, how I like you. What's this?

Well, all right.

Madam, I am overjoyed. My life is often threatened,

but never I was rescued by such a fragile creature like you.

What a job ...

What a woman! 'Mon bonefique!'

Steel, power, nature, Russia. I've never had that.

A drink for courage. Another against the complex.

A glass for the voice.

- Where am I?
- ... is what me personally amazes the most.

- Who am I?
- Rzhevsky, Ivan Ivanovich.

Born near Samara.

Yes ... you got drunk yesterday, Lieutenant, like a pig.

First you thought, you were Marilyn Monroe.

Then you did a striptease.

And then you danced the cancan until three in the morning.


- I do not remember.
- Look in the mirror! Look at you!

- Have you lost your mind?
- What?

It started last night, as always, quite well.

- Hello?
- After the ball, you wanted to go to relax.

You relaxed yourself in a brothel.

If only you could have stopped, but no, you went to the Gypsies.

Three times you were gone, and three times you came back.

You were out there singing, playing, crying,

you promised to marry the the Gypsy baron's daughter.

He was telling you for two hours, that it was no daughter, but his son.

You spent a lot of money from the budget.


'You have one wish to be fulfilled.'

Make that my head will stop aching!

- And?
- It's good!

Nikolayevich ...

And this is, as you say, only a love-hero of wives' tales?

Rzhevsky is back! Today confirmed by:

the head of school of virtuous virgins

and gypsies Zara and Aza, independently.

This is real glory! And where am I?

You think I'm just a dumb soldier?

No, my Emperor, you are a great military leader.

- How boring this is!
- My Lord, hit me too.

How many times? I ... I just want to be,

on the record of the greatest lovers!

My god, how nice he walks!

- Madam, are you okay?
- Bad hangover!

- I see. How can I help?
- Tonight I have to be as fresh,

- as an eighth-grader.
- Unfortunately, we don't do reincarnations.

But I can suggest: mask, peeling, waxing.

- All that and a bottle of mineral water.
- It will be done.

How nice to be a woman!

It hurts! I'll tell you anything, addresses, passwords, answers,

- but no more intimate waxing!
- Don't be afraid, just one second!

No! Yes! Please! Don't!


- Tell me, please, who is that girl?
- This is Natasha Rostova.

Miss Europe of 1810. Second place, after Norway.

Go, go ...

Listen, guy, I need your clothes.

Come on, take them off quickly.

This room is for men only. Ladies are next door.

I never go wrong with the door. Chauvinist!

Come on, take them off. Didn't you hear me?

Take them off!

Listen, my name is Jean-Claude Van Damme. I am also known

as the 'Muscles from Brussels'.

Yes, I recognize you.

Take off your pants, I say!

It seems to me, that you have to get out of here.

- Okay. I recognize you.
- You do?

- Yeah!
- Thanks.

Yeah, but ... take your fucking pants off!


Well, if you insist, I will now show you my punch!

What, it's not true? Come on!

Watch out!

I asked kindly. Well, 'au revoir'!

Why the fuck I came to Russia? A nightmare!

- Whose are you?
- Maximus! There you are, bastard.

Excuse me, Miss. But Maximus since he was a puppy

is drawn towards beauty.

- He is yours?
- Yes. A dangerous hooligan

- and debaucher.
- What a miracle!

- The miracle is you, Natalia.
- How do you know my name?

Who doesn't know the real Miss Europe? The Norwegian ice-cube

can't match even the little toes on your feet.

- So you are Lieutenant Rzhevsky?
- You know, the feeling won't leave me

that we somewhere have met before.

Yes, your face also looks familiar to me.

August 1808, Turkey. Aboard the 'Oligarch Aladdin',

- 'All-inclusive'.
- No, this summer I was in Vienna,

for a demonstration against global cooling.

Where hundreds of naked women marched past the Royal Palace?

I hurried over there! But unfortunately, I was too late.

I'm sorry. You would have enjoyed the sight, I'm sure.

- I can imagine.
- Excuse me,

- anything else?
- Get me something stronger. And the lady?

- The lady is about to go.
- Natalie, please do not go!

It's war, strayed bullets whistle above our heads.

Two lonely souls meet again in this chaos of senseless violence,

unfulfilled dreams of a long courtship. But ...

- there is no time.
- Lieutenant, I've lost your thread.

- What are you saying?
- Natasha, I suggest we go to your home!

So, all I heard about you, is true?

- Just an ordinary lady-killer.
- What can I do, Natalie?

I'm the love-hero of folklore. I can't do otherwise.

Just try harder!

- Countess Rzhevska?
- I suppose. To whom do I have the pleasure?

My name is Marquis de Mazosad.

Tell me, did you accidentally lose last night ...

- this extraordinary shoe - size 46?
- Lord Marquis!

I never wore such a vulgarity.

- What's the matter, guys?
- Put her in the coach!

- Masochist!
- Cheap whore!

Why am I accused? Because I have big bones?

This is biological discrimination. I'll complain! I'll scratch and bite!

Bastards! 'Oh, Magadan! I'm off to Magadan'.

You're pretending! You can't do any harm to me, frog!


Madam ... I am very glad to see you.

What are your favorite fantasies?

Nothing special. I want a plain female happiness.

A family, a bunch of kids and lots of friends ...

- ... beautiful. And you?
- Me?

- Now, I will show you!
- Go ahead!



Have you seen this? Why it's not me on this cover?

The list of victories of the lover-lieutenant

today included the female members of the police

and the entire choir of the St. Helena convent.

How will I probably look like in the eyes of Countess Rzhevska?

- Like a complete loser?
- My Emperor,

we think, you pay too much attention to this Russian courtesan.

Next time, I'll take a screwdriver!

- Sir, next time, it's my turn.
- Carry on!

Today we were supposed to start the advance to the Urals.

- Why haven't you started?
- You did not come!

Really? Tell my favorite army,

the offensive to the Urals begins the day after tomorrow.

- Hurrah, the Urals!
- Sir, why not tomorrow?

Tomorrow I'm not available. It's my anniversary with the Countess.

We've now been together for two months.



This is for you! For our anniversary!

- Do you like it?
- Just crazy!

Thank you, baby, I will pray for your sins.

Pray for me tomorrow ...

- we will begin the attack on the Urals.
- Why the Urals?

We did not come to Russia for nothing. We've got work to do.

What will happen to me? Will you leave me here?


This crockery is from my grandma.

Lord, what a fool I am! You are so selfish!

Because of you, I've risked it all! In the eyes of society,

your hands are put into my panties.

'Mon cher'! 'Mon cher'! I'm prepared to swallow

half of the world, like an apple, just for the chance

- to think of your panties.
- Think about it. I don't mind.

Who do you think you are!

Countess, I invite you to accompany me, attacking on the Urals.

What Urals, Bonya? Do you think, you can just call me to Chechnya for a dance!

- But, baby!
- What 'baby'?

It would never come to my mind, to move to the countryside for your stupid victories.

Is there anything in your office without your sneaky face?

Where are you going? Where to?

Bunny, don't be angry!

Do you want me to postpone the offensive for a week?

- You really would postpone it?
- Of course.

Just don't be angry.

You're lucky that I'm not resentful.

Ah, you soldier!

You don't need anything, except playing war.

All the crockery is smashed.

You'll some buy some new. You're the Emperor!


Good evening, dear friends! Allow me to introduce

the new collection 'Fall-Winter 1812 - Retreat'.

Thus, the first model in the collection is called 'uninvited guest'.

Simplicity of style and folk costume, beautifully combined,

mixing with each other. The next model is called 'robber'.

Pay attention to the extensive accessories.

The design and form of the backpack and the bags.

This model is simply called 'eighth-grader-girl' ... aha, aha.

She's got lost, she's looking for her graduation ball.

The next model is called 'innocence'.

I dedicate this model to my Emperor.

The next model is called 'cook'.

A classic dream!

Natalie! My beauty, I'm so lucky to meet you here.

How do you know my name? Do we know each other?

Not really. It's just that when I see such perfection,

I can't resist my female enthusiasm.

Wait! You are Countess Rzhevska, Napoleon's concubine.

Why so harsh, Natalie? Love is evil. We fall in love even with tyrants.

I could never fall in love with the enemy.

None of that French perfume,

can compare with a real Russian man,

even if he smells of alcohol and comes out of the barn without changing clothes.

Shame on you, in the name all Russian women.

- And on her! Down there!
- This sheep!

Sorry, Natalia, but sometimes men need to be trained.

- Countess, you are a lesbian, aren't you?
- Why, should I hide it?

Maybe just a little. That much!

- Lieutenant, was there something between us?
- Not until now.

Lieutenant, I have to admit something.

- Yesterday I was passionately kissing a woman.
- Wonderful.

- Did you like it?
- It was a memorable kiss.

I looked into her eyes and, I don't know why, I was thinking of you.

That's strange. Natasha, it's no secret to anybody, that I've had a lot of women.

It's more than that. I've had too many women.

- Lieutenant, do you mock at me?
- I'm just stating the facts.

But since I met you, I've got sick.

I've lost my male sense. Do you understand?


Natalie, have you ever jumped into a haystack and inhaled the scent

- of freshly cut clover?
- Yes.

And have you ever had fried eggs with oil?

And then dipped pieces of fresh bread into?

Have you ever been running beneath a summer rain?

- Yes.
- Naked?

- I do not remember. Maybe as a child.
- We're not talking about childhood.

- Have you ever made love in Cyprus?
- Yes.
- To two women at the same time?

- No.
- Me neither.

But nobody forbids us to fantasize.

Lieutenant, you're such a fool, but glamorous.

- Lieutenant, you're in love with a woman.
- I don't understand.

- Is this a compliment?
- Yes, indeed!

As you requested, Madam. Anise flavoured booze from 1774.

Thank you. I'll help myself.

- Honey, what's this?
- Bonichka, since you have decided

to conquer all of Russia, we'll have a Russian drink.

Come on, to us! Bottoms up!


And now, on request of our guest from sunny France,

and especially for his mistress, the next song ...

Yes ...


- Listen, brother, have you got a cigar?
- I don't smoke.

Get lost, uncle!

- The lady wants to dance?
- Guys, this lady will not dance.

- She will not dance.
- Take a rest, old man!

Guys, you've made a mistake. I clearly said, I will not dance.

- Do you want some trouble instead?
- Maybe you've made a mistake?

That's it, guys!

Help! Hooligans!


I've never been a raspberry, until today ...

To be more exact, until tonight ...

But when the guys asked for it ...

I would turn into a raspberry ...

These dances with blondes and brunettes ...

They only happen in the middle of the forest ... raspberry ...

Oh, baby!

- Where is everybody?
- They went off to the cottage.

They'll be back the day after tomorrow.

Watch out for the dress.

- You're a magnificent woman.
- Yes, I am.

And I'm not the worst man in Europe, either.


You'll see. They'll write numerous books about me. I'm sure!

They'll even make movies. And sometimes I think,

that they'll name a mental illness after me.

Or, maybe, even a cake.

In the name of our love, baby. I'm ready for everything!

I'm ready to conquer the continent.

I can ignite a faded star!

I'm ready to juggle with worlds.

I'll lay the Milky Way at your feet.

- I can't stand it anymore.
- Yes ... not ...

- Countess, I'm ready for everything.
- Absolutely everything?

- Definitely everything!
- What do you think about marriage?

- Listen, uh ...
- What?

There are some things ... you know ...

I see.

I understand.

So, you're ready to juggle with worlds for me?

But as soon as we touch something serious, you fill your pants.

- My pants?
- Yes, they're filled up.

- I am married to a princess from Vienna.
- Well done!

To get a divorce in Moscow, does only require the desire for it.

Well ...

I'll get a divorce! I agree, baby.

- Pussycat, what are you doing?
- Don't you hurry!

No, Bonichka.

'fucky-fucky' ... only after the wedding!

And what do you mean by 'I agree'? I'm the one supposed to agree.

I don't need charity. Should a woman beg a man to marry her?

Where are the fireworks? Where are the rose petals raining from the sky?

Where's the white suit?

Where? By the way, I am a woman from a decent family.

- Do you understand?
- I understand.

Count, inform the 'Central', that I'll no longer buy dresses made in China.

What's up? They said, they will no longer pay for any dresses at all,

- nor cosmetics, nor beauty salon, nor spa ...
- Lord, have mercy!

Really? After all I have done for my country,

- I should be begging for money to get a manicure?
- Watch out, Lieutenant, you've got to face up to it.

Otherwise, the war will end, but your habits will continue.

Countess! I, the Emperor of France, Napoleon Bonaparte,

am begging you, to become my wife.

Just a moment.

I agree.

- 'I'm in a state of shock.'
- 'Me too.'

When I look at you, Countess, I see a real manlike whore.

- I don't fight with women.
- In our country, such a weakling, as you are,

would be killed by any woman with a sock.

- If you insist.
- Come to Mama.

- A woman always remains a woman.
- What?


- Lieutenant?
- All this time,

- you worked for the French?
- Says who? You did sleep with them!

I am a Russian spy! Executing a secret mission!

I'm also a Russian spy! Undercover!

I'd carry out my mission, if I wasn't disturbed all the time!


I know this book by heart, but our interpretation,

was the closest to the text so far.

Lieutenant, you are so very educated.

But no one has inspired me, like you did.

I'm totally ready to dive into science.

Always and everywhere, I want only you.

But with that feeling, there is a new warmth, tenderness ...

and a desire to take care of you.

It is a strange feeling for me.

You've changed me! I've become a man. I've stopped being a folktale.

- I love you! Would you ... mmm ...
- What?

I love you! Would you ... mmm ...

- Lieutenant, you must say it aloud. I didn't hear!
- I can't!

You can, you can!

Come on!

Come on! Look into my eyes. Look at me!

... Marry me!

- Marry you?
- Yes.

- I accept.
- I did it!

I did it!

Natasha, get ready for page forty-eight, immediately.

Forty-eight? My favorite page!

Damn! I've got to be at the barracks.

- I'll be punished.
- My fiance will appear any minute.

Well, well...

Leave it alone! Don't you play now!

- How will I survive without you?
- Damn! Where are my socks?


Natasha, I couldn't stand it, if something would happen to you.

Promise that you'll give me a sign, if something should happen.

- I promise.
- For example, burn something.

What should I burn? The Opera House? The club 'Diaghilev'?

It doesn't matter. I don't care, even if it's all of Moscow.

Love, I must go.

See you tonight.

Be-be-be, bu-bu-bu, chair, table, store, 'Kukriniksi',

building of the Court of Appeals, hydroelectric station.

Pretty good!

What's this?

Something in my eye.

And Mr. Captain of the Guard, only kindly agreed,

to help.

I got divorced from Josephine.

It's less than three months ago, and you do this!


What are you looking at, asshole?

I was thinking about how to punish you for quite a while.

Drawing and quartering? Banal.

Put you on a pale? And what, if you like it?

- Don't stop, Sir. The bee ...
- Set a bee on your tongue?

- Mantoux ... (Tuberculosis)
- Mantoux injection and

- then let you get soaked?
- Dentist ...

Get all your teeth extracted by the dentist?

- Carbide ...
- Carbide glowing red-hot in your mouth?

All of this is quite simple.

And what about the soldering iron?

Simone, I want to suffer for a lifetime.

You'll be married. Shu-shu!


This is a win!

On Moscow's downtown ring, in a chain accident

over five carriages collided, killing ten peasants.

Fortunately, there were no casualties.


Prohibited for children under eighteen years!


Bonya, I already warned you.

Not until after the wedding.

Dear grooms ... and brides,

today you will join hearts,

creating a new covenant in our society.

They say marriages are sealed in heaven.

Fate will carry you on the wings of love ...

Separate! Pull them apart!

Get them apart!

Countess ... Countess!

And you, Lady Rzhevska, do you accept to become the woman,

of the invader and occupier Bonaparte?

- I accept.
- And now I suggest,

- you exchange wedding rings.
- Peace be with you ... and war.

- Here, my love. Now I must go.
- Where to?

Honey, I'm the Emperor. My place is on the battlefield.

Stop! What about me?

- And if I asked you to stay?
- But ...

Stop! For the fatherland!

No! No!

If somebody finds out, I'll drown you. I swear!

My lips are sealed.

Shu-shu, you'll have more time ...

My boy!

- Now I will show you something ...
- What? Let me do it myself!

Let me! I ...

- Pussycat, open up!
- Wait a minute!

I can't stand it anymore, Countess, you promised!

Natasha ...

Natasha! Damn, I'm coming!

Wife, open up for your husband!

Shu-shu, I have to tell you something very important ...

The devil invented this dress!

- What are you doing, rascal?
- What's that, I felt with my hand?

Perhaps the 'Countess' may be a 'Count'?

Here I come!

Calm down!

Lieutenant, your mission is almost complete.

Something wrong?


- Natasha, I'm flying to you!
- Where are you?

Natasha ...

Countess, unfortunately we have an emergency.

The Emperor's adjutant is a Russian spy.

- What do you say?
- See you at dinner.


- Lieutenant!
- Natasha!

- Lieutenant! Lieutenant!
- How I've missed you.

- My love!
- Why didn't you hurry up a bit more?

Shame on you! I was not able to come faster,

I swear by my parents' health!


No! I'm just a harmless masochist.

- No! No, Shu-shu!
- My boy.

No, girl! No, no!

No, please !


As you already know, all the events of our story,

ladies and gentlemen, are based on real historical facts.

Everything's been reconstructed with documentary precision,

without embellishment. And as is proper for

every important scientific work, this one should be finished with ...

what's it called? Generally we call it in Russia since old times

just 'Happy End'.

I can't believe that the war is over.

I do no longer have to wear those idiotic heels.

There is no need to put on a cotton bra,

or eat fat-free yogurt.

No more army boots needed.

There are no more swords, guns and duels.

- It's all in the past.
- Yes. Just you and me.

Tell me, where did you buy this funny cap?

- I'm not telling.
- Really?

My darling! My dear!

- What? Does it hurt?
- It hurts!

- Do you think it doesn't hurt me?
- Bonya, what are you doing here?

Shameless transvestites!

What kind of 'Happy end' do you have? Love, kisses ...

and you left me all alone on the island of St. Helena

- to write my 'memoirs'?
- Because you have nothing to recollect

in these 'memoirs' except your silly victories.

Boys, don't ruin the honeymoon.

- What honeymoon? He's married.
- Stop being angry, Bonya.

We aren't strangers. Come on! Come here!

- Let me hug you.
- It's not necessary, I don't want to.

- By the way, I missed you.
- Really?

- Really?
- Sure.

You're still a good old pal, no matter what they say.

- And what do they say about me?
- It doesn't matter ...

Let's go for a croissant, you know, those really crunchy ones ...

Translation and subtitles by 'Herman the German'

A film by Marius Vaisberg


Translation and subtitles by 'Herman the German'