Russian Spleen (2019) - full transcript

Aren't you Andrei Tarkovsky?

I'm not.

What's your opinion on turnip?


I said what's your opinion on turnip?

I prefer potatoes.

Music by Evgeny Ptichkin, lyrics by
Robert Rozhdestvensky, "Echo of Love".

You didn't answer.

Stop it.

Why are you so sad?

I don't really know anyone here.

That's even better,

I'm always bored with the people I know.

You know,

I'm a young filmmaker

and I'd like to know

if you want to hear
some of my script ideas.

Of course I do.

- Really?
- Well, basically.



It's the future,

and there's an ocean

that's kind of alive,

and then Brezhnev
sends a Latvian guy there,

you know, a rocket takes
him to a space station,

and when the Latvian guy
comes to the space station

his dead wife starts coming to him,

and she asks him to kill her,


It's like the ocean's sending her to him.


So a Lithuanian guy, and also a widower,
goes to space to kill his dead wife?

He's not Lithuanian, he's Latvian.

Who cares, I'd never watch such crap.

I didn't think of it myself, it's Lem.

That Lem is an idiot.

Ok, get me a drink.


what are you drinking?

I don't know, surprise me.

Good evening, comrades!

You will see the second part
of the concert after the news.

Members of the Central Committee
of the Communist Party

of the Soviet Union, the Supreme
Council of the Soviet Union,

convened in Moscow today
to mark the 60th anniversary

of the Great October
Socialist Revolution.

The Kremlin Palace of Congresses,
10 a.m.

A long thunderous ovation
greets comrades

Brezhnev, Andropov,

Grishin, Gromyko, Kirilenko,

Kosygin, Kulakov, Dunaev,

Mazurov, Pelshe, Romanov,

Suslov, Ustinov, Shcherbitsky,

Aliyev, Demichev, Kuznetsov,

Masherov, Ponomarev, Rashidov,

Solomentsev, Chernenko, Kapitonov,

Dolgikh, Demianin,

Riaboi, Rusakov.

My script ideas...

...clearly demonstrate the
firmness of Lenin's principles

guiding the peaceful foreign policy of
comrades Brezhnev, Andropov, Grishin,

Gromyko, Kirilenko, Kosygin,
Kulakov, Dunaev, Mazurov,

Pelshe, Romanov, Suslov...

He's not Lithuanian,

he's Latvian.

...he's Latvian.



Who's there?

Who is this?

What's with the pounding?

Hey, what's going on?

There's no leaks here to fix.

Thanks but we're not
interested in buying anything.

Your phone died and you need
a laptop with the TOR browser

to access the forum?

And so?

Where are you going?

You asleep, Vitalik?

I'm coming.


No smoking in here.

Where's my phone?

No smoking in here!

You should have let me know
you were coming.

Why not text me via Telegram?

Why do you need a laptop?

Roma, I quit, remember?

No, I didn't say the
same thing about Lenka.

What's the matter with him?

He's not deaf.

This is Denya, a drummer,
been living here for three weeks.

Where are you from again?

I told you I'm from Krasnoyarsk.

He's a rapper from Chelyabinsk.

What happened to you?

A year ago
he went out to buy some bread.

I mean milk.

Got hit on the head with a steel rod.


Now the connection
between his brain and

his vocal cords is broken.
What's it called?

Motorial aphasia.


Why didn't you tell me?

Ah, alright, take the laptop.

Bro, we have to pay the rent today.

DRUGS, buy cheap in Moscow

Denya, we're paying rent today.


Wanna buy it? YES!

Lenka, what's going on?


What's the matter with you now?

You told me you deleted Tinder.

Lyosha installed it.

Why didn't he install it on his phone?

He did that too.

Vitalik, you're chatting
with a pregnant woman,


Her man dumped her,

she needed support from a mature guy.

She sends you pictures of
herself on the beach, Vitalik.

She asked me to photoshop them:

the sunset on them was so beautiful.


Lenka, please, don't start.
Let's tatoo the last letter...

Come on.

I'm in a hurry, remember?
Remember it's today?

I remember, I just forgot it was today!

I've been telling you
about this shoot all week!

- Maybe it's you who forgot something?
- What?

- What happened yesterday.
- What happened yesterday?

That important thing tomorrow...


Give me the bag!

Don't move, you'll mess up
the tattoo you dumb prick!

Sit here!

-Lenka, dear.
-Yes, Grandpa.

Who's the President of Russia now?

You forgot again?

I've been to the North Pole,
twice, on an icebreaker...

- The water's running.
- Got you, putting the hose in!

Where's Lenka?

Lenka, what's the matter?

You lost me, again?

You lost me yourself and...


This was a gift from me, you asshole!

No! The money for the rent are inside!

I know, you dumbass.



One: you have to throw
away the toilet paper rolls,

two: you have to clean the frying pan
after use.

- Aw, shucks!
- Yes.

- I'm so sorry.
- It's ok, I already cleaned it.

So, you have a meeting
with that guy, right?

Yeah, he liked my scripts.

Both of them.

I hope he buys them
and lets me shoot them.

Sure he will.
I'm telling you, it's gonna be fine.

Now listen,
I met this actress last night.

Whoa whoa, watch out.

- What's wrong?
- Well...

She bought us two bottles of wine...

Her name's not Masha, is it?

No, it's Tanya.

Okay, go on.

We walked from the Kremlin
to the Sparrows' hills.

Sparrow hills.

- What?
- Go on, sorry.

So we decided to go
to the movies today

but I have no money left,

I spent the last money
I had to pay the rent.

So... But that girl is so...


I spent everything I had, too.

Even thieves don't take the last money
from a person.

You need it more.

No, Lesha, seriously,
I'll find some money.

Will you have the egg?

- You want it?
- Yes.

Go on, take it.






Is Denya living here?

- Denya!
- What?

Open the door please.

- What?
- Open the door please.

- Is it urgent?
- Yeah.

- What's up?
- Here, look.


I thought you had a date tonight.

What, what date?

Oh... I meant a meeting...

A job interview, right? A seminar.


Can I have a glass of water?

Bro, I saw Lenka's Instagram post,
is everything alright?

A woman beat you up?
You're such a jerk!

You mustn't hit girls!

Kicked Vitalik's ass today.

If she hits you it means she loves you.

Do you want me to turn
on the air conditioner?



I need to get even with that
witch ASAP.

You mean our landlady?

I mean Lenka!

She hired you to shoot AC
commercial today, right?

Aren't you tired of this bullshit?

You're a real artist, like Tarkovsky!
Or Pavlensky!

Shoot something great,
but that also gets Lenka fired.


- You get what I'm saying, bro?
- No.

I'm Alexey.

Have a seat.

You've sent two scripts to me,
I've read them.

If you make movies that are as good as
how they're written,

we're sure to go to Cannes.

I've done a lot for the country,

now I can do something for the art.

"Goodbye, America..."

- Hello.
- Good afternoon, comrade Producer.

Good afternoon.

Your country needs a hero to
accomplish a cinematographic feat.

I'm ready.

Russia is surrounded by enemies.

Surrounded by enemies!

The sanctions weaken our economy.

Weaking our economy.

Our international partners
are at war, so we need

to raise the morale
of the peoples of Russia.

- The peoples' morale.
- Don't you ever speak over me!


And the way to raise the morale is to
make a patriotic sports blockbuster.

I believe you will come up with
suitable ideas yourself, as usual.

The film is sponsored by
the Ministry of Tourism

so you will have an unlimited budget,

but it needs to be done very quickly.

And remember:
we like actor Tribuntsev,

we see ourselves in him,
you understand?

Yes, yes.

You will send in the
synopsis tonight via fax.

Can I send it in via email?

We don't trust people who use
the Internet.

Goodbye comrade Producer.

Wait, which sport?


I felt sick on the train.

Were you going somewhere?

I was going to see you.

How was the journey?

In a 3d class train,

on the upper bunk,

near the toilet.

It was bad being without you.

There were straw filled pillows but,
on the upside,

they gave me two warm blankets.

So when did you feel sick?

When I was still in Krasnoyarsk.

I went out to buy some milk
and that's when I got sick.

It is a bit wrinkled.

Because of the rain.

We shouldn't have... you know...

the last time.



Hang on, I did pull out!

Don't blame yourself.

Fima, where are you going?


Where are you going?

Up into the mountains!

The mountains?

It's so high up there.

Please sit down!

Fima, what mountains,
what're you talking about?

A child is a blessing! It's...

Yes, that's what my mother used to say
when they locked up my dad

and I was still a fetus.

How are you going to
live with us in Moscow?

I'm not going to live!

In Moscow!

I got no friends here, no money.

Krasnoyarsk is so much better,
everything there is so fucking familiar!

The industrial zones,
the smoke in the mountains,

fishing on the Yenisei
with old Boris again!

Old Boris got so roughed up recently
he had to spend ten days in the hospital.

Yeah, I didn't make it in music
in Krasnoyarsk but what the hell,

I'll make it in industry,

I'll get a job!

There's 14 car factories there, right?

- And some food factories.
- And some food factories!

So what the hell,

I'm a grown man,
it's time to, well, you know...

A grown man...
We'll have a child!

Settle down!

And being a musician in
Krasnoyarsk... a musician, my ass!

I'm gonna teach my boy to play
the drums.

- Or a girl.
- Or a girl!

My mother will give us her apartment

and move in with her sister
which is good:

it's a quieter neighborhood,
at least you don't get robbed so often.

And with all the cement
and the smoke there,

out of twenty people
fifteen there have cancer, Fima!

I mean, Fima, if we have to die

it's better to die in your hometown,
isn't it?

Where are you hurting?

- Everywhere.
- Alright, so we need to see the doctor!

You know, what's it called... OB-GYN...

Hi, you asleep? Are we
going to the movies today?

Just a second..





I'm Alexey.

What were we talking about?

The art.

There are many brilliant writers

but only few know how to really
touch the audience with their art.


how many people would pay money
to see your sick fantasies?

- What "sick fantasies"?
- You wrote those scripts, not me!

In one of them, the
protagonist is always carrying

the dead body of a five
year old girl in his bag;

the other is about a maniac

who sedates women, rapes them

then keeps them locked up in
a basement for the rest of their lives.

The girl in the bag is
a metaphor for lost childhood,

and the maniac...

Well, you certainly have some talent,

but I'm offering you a job.

You'll write a topical
patriotic sports drama.

About what?

Take a guess.

- Hockey?
- You're cold.

- Basketball?
- Getting warmer.


Okay, which sport are
you most familiar with?


Even just a little?

Well... My roommate, Vitalik,
he's seeing this girl, Lenka,

whose mother was a boxing coach,

and she taught her a couple of things.

Yeah... So whenever I see them
together it's like a boxing match.

And Vitalik, my roommate, he's a DJ.

That's it, you guessed right.

So look, it's 1975,

our protagonist is Tallonov,
a Soviet boxer.

He's a frail guy

and he likes to drink

but he has this amazing gift!

It's the world championship fight

and he has to overpower
that American prick,



How is that different from
"Rocky", the Stallone movies?

The difference is that we're gonna give
the part of Vladimir Tallonov

to Timofey Tribuntsev.

But he only plays alcoholics.

Good artists must tell the truth
about the situation in this country.

Hasn't Fyodor Sergeyevich been
making movies like that recently?

There is only one Fyodor
Sergeyevich in this country:


There was also Odoevsky.


Prince Fyodor Sergeyevich Odoevsky...

but you probably know him
as Leo Tolstoy.

I need the synopsis tonight.

Tell me, have you seen my diploma film?

No, is it long?

15 minutes.

13 minutes, without the credits.

TANYA, actress

- Are we going to the movies today?
- We are!

At what time?

Hello? Denya, Hello...


Are you ready?

I'm really not sure about this.

You have to make sacrifices for the art.

But animals don't!

You see, this scene,

it's gotta be, like, the most powerful,

the most powerful scene
in the gallery of the movie's imagery.

What's all this bullshit, Andrey?

We'll add some music.

What kind of music?



the Party's waiting.


I just can't do it!

I just can't do it!

Shut your mouth!

I saw someone believe in you!

Believing is for monks and Jesus!

You fucking stop bullshitting me,
I saw him touch your ass!

Directed by
Alexey Kamynin

Don't kill me!

You've caused enough damage
to their culture.

Now it's time for you
to evacuate.


Evacuate where?

Anywhere except Hollywood.

- Okay, let's get even with that witch!
- You mean our landlady?

I mean Lenka!

We'll make a real arthouse movie,

a drama, yeah,

a sci-fi thriller.

Have you seen "Black Mirror"?

Hello, Vitalik? Vitalik?

I just came back from the Maldives.

Cool, were you having fun?

Well, I was sunbathing, swimming.

And those European guys are so pushy:

you've known them for like three days,
and they already wanna marry you,

take you to some
godforsaken place, like the Alps.

I brought you a present:

DJ headphones.


They told me these are the best.

Thanks, Alyona.

You know, Dima asked me to marry him.

What did you tell him?

I'm still thinking.

How's it going with
you and that crazy girl?

We have our ups and downs.

I'm always ruining everything.

We were taking a walk, and she was
lagging behind so we lost each other,

then she beat me up
and put up a photo on Instagram,

but I'm still thinking of her anyway.

Dunno, maybe after all it's real...?

And I lost the rent money,
it's already two weeks overdue.

The landlady says we all get evicted
if we don't pay her today.

I can lend you the money.

No shit?

You'll pay me back when you can.

How much do you need?

A hundred grand.

No probs.

Thanks. You can just use
my phone number: 89...

I remember.

Dima, go have a smoke.

Here's the deal.

I'm giving you the money,

and we're going to my
family's cottage in the country.

Alyonka, you don't
go to a family cottage

with someone if there's
no love between you.

Come on,

maybe later,

someday, I'll agree to go
to Spain, on your terms.

Okay, I gotta go.

What about the money?

- Right...
- Oh, I brought you a souvenir, too.

A game console,

with a VR headset.

Wow. Thanks.

- I don't even have a TV set.
- Really?

I'll drop by, we'll sort
it out - you'll have one.

Oh, don't worry, I'll get it myself.

Next time I'm paying,


Eat, eat.

Are you real man?

Would you agree that
woman belongs to the kitchen?


Could you hurt a woman?


Have you ever had sex with a woman?




Have a seat.

- Could you be more careful?
- Sorry.

Well, sister, what do you have here?
Show it to me.

Oh, what happened?

She's had, like, a fall.

I'm talking to her.

Down the stairs.

Down the stairs.

She's pregnant.

I see. Well, you have a contusion.

You need some bed rest.

Go pee in the cup. Okay?

The fifth door on the right,
down the corridor.

Sit over there.

I'm gonna stab you in the aorta,

When the cops come I'll
tell them you accidentally

stabbed yourself because
that's how dumb you are.

What are you doing?

You touch her again, and
I'll drive it into your eye.

I didn't hit her!

Who do you think you are, you're a
Tsar, you're God, you're a husband?

No, no, we're not married!

Leave her, swear you'll leave her!


Take the cup to room 63 please.

Well, sister.

Statistically, a woman will leave her
husband only after the seventh assault.

But the problem is, some
women die before it happens.

I know what you're thinking,
I see women just like you here every day.

You think that nobody needs you,
that you can't make it without him...

Denya's a good person.

Has it ever occurred to you
he just might not deserve you?

Hi, are you at work?

I'm at our spot.

The usual for me, please.

Make it a little bit higher.

Yeah, that's fine.

Give me your blessing, Father.

Give me your blessing, Father.

Okay, listen, we have a new plan.

- Uh-huh.
- Uh-huh!

We need to distract Lenka
to shoot our own movie.

The vawiable refwigerant flow system
offers a considewable advantage over...

The vawiable refwigerant flow system
offers a considewable advantage over...

Hey lady, what're you doing here?

I'm a rabbit puller,
assistant to the magician.


Alright, I'm a focus puller,
assistant to the cameraman.

There he is, I keep his lenses focused
and that's all we ever do together.

What do you mean?

I mean we don't have sex, at all.

Oh, really?

Yeah, no sex in the last two
or four months, can you imagine.

Hello, my name is Alexey, the director.
And you are our speaker, right?

I'm Roman Grigoryevich, chief engineer.

You make great air conditioners.

Thank you!

I feel like they're my childwen.

Sometimes I feel like
I'll never have children.

That is our cameraman, Nikita.

Alexey, I'd like to
introduce you to Mikhail,

he's the public relations officer in the
company that makes these great ACs,

he's the one who hired
us, he came to control you.

Very pleased to meet
you, we're ready to shoot.

You do remember what constitutes
the production value of this commercial?


It will revolutionize the industry.

I understand.

It is crucial to determine
the targeting correctly.


We are hoping for enthusiastic response.


Maybe it would help to support
the message with a slogan?

It's an interesting idea,

I'll tell the management
about your ingestion...


Okay, we're ready to roll, and...


and... go!

We are pwesenting a new model
of air conditioners pwoduced by...

Stop, let's try it again. One more time.

We are pwesenting a new model
of air conditioners pwoduced by...

Stop. Ah, presenting.

Pre-. Pre-. Ready, the dolly's moving.

And... go.

What can we say instead of "presenting"?

"PResenting" - no, intRoducing - no...

Shit, there's an R in every word!

We are pwesenting a new model
of air conditioners pwoduced by...

Cut, cut, cut.

Okay, you see what's going on here.

I'm afraid you're making
the chief engineer a little awkward.

Maybe you could go for a walk?

How about such a "suggestion"?

Okay, come on, one more time!

How are you?

I've been working all week,

and yesterday I spent several hours
in the Pushkin Arts Museum, alone.

Shit, Nargiz, I'm sorry.

I completely forgot.

I promised to take you there.

I lost rent money.

I really have to find a hundred
grand today or die trying.

Do you have a driver's license?

I do, yes.

Me and some friends, we need
a ride to Bishkek, tonight.

We need a driver with a Slavic face,
I'll give you a hundred grand straight.

Something illegal again?

Have you ever been to Bishkek?


Me neither. I grew up here.

But Bishkek is the Kyrgyz City of the Sun.

The weather is always warm,
and everybody's friendly.

They have a true democracy

and, most importantly,
a true brotherhood,

not like here, in Moscow.

What about Moscow?

People don't keep their promises,

you're all phonies here.

Okay, what do you need a driver
with a real Slavic face for?

We're a team:

Sygymbay will lure Maria
Ivanovna into the storeroom.

Meanwhile Barsibek will steal
some canned pork from the shelves.

Osmokul opens Maria
Ivanovna's bag and takes the cash.

Esynbub sets off the fire alarm.

And Kuilgul sets fire
to old rags in the bucket.

Hang on, who's Maria Ivanovna?

She's our manager,
an evil bitch.

Go on.

Then we all go outside
because the fire alarm went off,

and we're clean,

and the CIT guys drive off hastily
taking the counterfeit money with them.

When they find out we'll already
be in Bishkek with our two millions.

And you're the one
who's gonna take us there.

What about the cameras?

- Didn't I tell you?
- No.

Zamberek will sneak into the
electrical room and cause a short...


Well, okay,

when are you planning to do all this?



It's all very interesting

but I respect the penal
code above all things.

It's up to you.

If I had money right now
I'd give it to you straight away, honest.


You're my favorite night-time customer.

We need to cut the
dick straight off Lenka.

Quick, we need to
distract Lenka, you hear me?

- Does it have to be me?
- Well, who else?


I have to find several people and work
with each one of them on their parts.

Come on, Nikita, get moving.

Wait, how do I distract her?

Well, I don't know, use your head.

Yes, Grandpa?

Lenka, dear,
who's the President of Russia now?

You forgot again?

I've been to the North Pole, twice,

on an icebreaker...

Listen, I'll come by and you'll tell
me all about nuclear icebreakers.

Will you come by soon?

I will.

Lenka, let's go for a

What do you want?

Listen, I just have to know
your opinion on s...s...s...s...


What, are you feeling bad again?

Is your back hurting?

Are you feeling sick?

Is your stomach hurting?

That female thing?

Maybe you need to go to the toilet?

The toilet! Do you have the toilet?

Put the shoe covers on.

You look just like my dad.

He too played drums
and started balding early.

I'm shooting a movie here,
would you like to try out for the part?

So what about the movies?

- Excuse me, is this napa cabbage?
- Iceberg lettuce.

I'm shooting a movie
and an actress didn't show

up, would you like to
be in my movie, it's...

The Russian cinema
doesn't interest me, sorry...

I see, have a nice meal.

You're all here for a consultation?

Who are you expecting?

A girl.

A girl.

I see.

Fima! Fima, do you hear me?

- Is it gonna take much longer?
- I have to be alone.

What do you mean "alone",
we have to see the doctor.

If you're here for an ultrasound,
the doctor is leaving in five minutes.

Fima, come out please, the
doctor's leaving, do you hear me?

I need five minutes!

What do you mean five minutes,
come out right now!


Come on, listen,
I can't wait anymore!

I'm gonna kick the fricking door!

I say come out!


It's gone.

It came out.


Lenka, you see, it's
just that me and Nastya,

we haven't, well,
how do I put it, we haven't...

...had sex for four months.

Two, actually.
She's telling everybody, again.

What do you want from me?

Well, you see, you know, erm...

Take her for a walk in the
wood or a park and fuck her.

Wait, wh...wh...what p...p...park?

Any park, just don't take her to Zaryadye.

Wh...wh...why n...n...not there ?

Not comfy.

Not c...c...comfy for wh...wh...what?

Are you stupid?

Lenka, you have to know:

I can't do it when there's someone else...

There's someone else,
you have someone else?


Are you a moron?

Lenka, it's serious:

I'm too shy to undress
when I'm being watched.

Blindfold her.

Wait, with what?

A rag!


Pick a real dirty one.


So are we going to shoot?

This is for you.


I've been watching you since
this morning.

Are you looking for the path to faith?

Can't find it?

It's all right, it took me a while, too.

I wasn't even really looking,
to be honest,

until God gave me the sign.

I have this idea:

it's not just a commercial.

What are these unauthorized
people doing on the set?

What do you mean unauthorized people?

These people!

Please don't be rude to my folks.

What the fuck?

This is Svetlana, we
were at college together,

she's the assistant director,

she just came a bit late today -

well, shit happens,
please don't be late next time.

What's this?

It's my grandmother

with my little brother Semyon.

What are you doing here?

She forgot her keys.

Grandma Zina, don't forget
your keys anymore, alright?

Who are you?

This is Pyotr, my best
friend from Vladivostok,

he's a very serious guy

and he's in love with movie production.

- Uh-huh?
- Yes.

What's this?

What's this?

A stain. Right?

I'm his trainer.

I'm sorry, are you going
to exercise right here?

Go on.


And remember: for every
miss you do an extra round.

Grandma Zina, can you move a
bit to the left. Okay, that's good.

I'm calling the client.


"Make the most of what
we yet may spend,

before we too into the Dust descend".


- Rubaiyat.
- I'm not buying it.

Lenka, what's wrong?

There's a door there! Yeah.



Good afternoon, Alla.

I've just been attacked,
they took all the money,

can I pay you later?

Who would think of robbing
such a big guy?

Beats me, but there are
people who are bigger than me.

Come in.

There's even a scratch.

Such atrocity.

They went at me like animals.

"USSR... the bulwark..." of what?

It's personal.

Personal, huh.

My my,

and they said there was
something missing in the USSR.

What do you do?

I'm a DJ.

- Are you from Moscow?
- Well, yeah.

And you're renting an apartment
so that your mum can sleep at night?

- What are you talking about?
- Sex.

Anyway, please let me pay later.

It won't take me more
than a week to get the money.

- How?
- DJing.

I'm too old to buy that.

- Can we discuss a deferral of payment?
- How will it help you?

It's not about money,
it's about backbone,

you don't have it, do you?

You're buffed up like
a life size rubber doll

but when was the last time
you beat the shit out of someone?

You Moscow guys can
only punch someone in bed.

You don't like Moscow?

I liked it until I moved here.

Remember there was a woman
who during the football World Cup...

mistook Italian fans for
Armenian tourists?

You know what?

I still can't tell them apart.

But I got all I wanted,

I even have a fireplace.

Doesn't give enough heat, though.

Do you hear the squeaking?

Who's squeaking?

Who do you think? It's the sofa.

You hear it?

Made in Moscow.

I've never had relations
with an adult woman.

With a mature woman it's
the same as with a young girl,

only much more expensive.

But it's much more real.

Can I just give you a massage?

What for?

I'm just not ready to have sex with you.

Are you crazy?

Well, it's what you're getting at.

What am I getting at?


Are you a moron?


So what about Lenka?



She passed out and I hid her in that room
with all the air conditioners.

Is she asleep?

No, why would you say that?

Well, I'm the one who
gave her sleeping pills.

Where did you get sleeping pills?

I sometimes give them to
my girlfriend, before bedtime.

For quite a while now machines
have attwacted me more than humans.

Have you seen the other
models of air conditioners?


I know you've read my messages

but try to understand,
it's not personal.

I just hate this count...

I hate cod
and everything to do with it.

Especially if it's dressed.

You know,
"the cod rots from the head down"?

And Americans

don't know shit about cod,

they just don't,
you get what I'm saying?


It's astonishing how different
women are from ordinary humans.

What do you mean?


This uterus is not
pregnant, never has been.

Lady, dearest,

why did you think even for a second
that you're pregnant?

It all started in a dream.

I was a pusher in a factory.

Then the inspectors from
the District Party Committee came.

One of them

was wearing a leather coat,

looking like a KGB agent.

There was something...

comforting about him.


And then there we were: in love.

And he took me...

to some small town in Ural Mountains...

or was it Siberia?

And then?

And then there was a war.

I had another man's baby.

And that, to me,
is the most terrible thing ever.

Your friend is an absolutely
healthy, normal woman -

that is, if women can
be absolutely healthy.

How many do you want?

5? 10? 20? Here!

Just google "ultrasound pregnancy",

and all those pictures
are on the very first page.

There are just two types of women:

those we've knocked up and those
who say we've knocked them up.

The next time she tells you
she's pregnant take her to me,

I'll bring in colleagues and
I'll prove she's hysterical and foolish.

She's not gonna stand
a chance of fooling us!

Hey, OB-GYN man, shut your mouth!

Please have a seat, Elena,

we were just now going
to watch the commercial.

Why did you stop two trucks of shellac
at the Ukrainian border?

The audit of your nail salon
has found numerous violations.

We will sue!

No, we will sue!






We'll do further work on
the music and the graphics.

- Alexey.
- Yeah?

I've never seen a more
hilarious commercial

in my life.

Do you really think it's funny?


Thank you!

Hey, babushka,
what neighborhood is this?



Let's grab a beer?


But I have no money.

I got some money left, 175 rubles.

Here's my credit card.

Tanya, hi, I'm sorry
I didn't reply for so long,

really, it's been just a crazy day,

I had a work meeting and a conference,

and then... It's been a hustle.

I really wanna go to the movies with you,

if you don't mind, of course,

and I hope we'll do it.

It's just that I've had
an unbelievably crazy day today.

It was so hard for Fima, too.

Sorry, I was talking to someone else.

Anyway, that's not what
I wanted to tell you although...


She said she is pregnant,

turns out she just has
a tailbone injury,

they've prescribed her
some medicine and bed rest.

And I've already prepared
myself for the worst.

Now I feel ashamed...

1,467,987 MISSED CALLS...



You can use my phone,

I always get a good signal.

My sister has a pen pal who's in prison,

he's in Penal Colony #6,

ever heard of it?

They've been writing to each other
for a year,

and she has sent him 700,000 rubles.

He said that he needs it
for paper, pens and stamps.

Funny thing, love, right?

I'm leaving tomorrow, so don't worry.

Do you have a place to stay for the night?

You can sleep in my room then.


How're you doing bro?
Are you coming on soon?

Can you pay me up-front?

No problemo.

Can I borrow 100,000 from you?

See that guy?

He went to the pharmacy and
bought some sedative pills "glycine".

He spent ten thousand on the "glycine",

and will make several
hundred thousand selling it here.

Do you want this job?

- That's dirty money, isn't it?
- I have to make them pay me somehow.

They can each steal, like,
1,500 rubles from their parents,

then they pay 500 to get
in, and there's a grand left.

Here's when you gotta work
to make them pay more, bro.

I've spent ages yakking about techno,
this "Moscow is the new Berlin" bullshit.

But we have sparked
the techno revolution,

we have created a new culture, hello!

You're a big guy, you're my age,

and you still don't know shit about life.

I'm offering you an opportunity
to start a new business.

I never realized what a scumbag you are.

Look, it's Lenka.


it's someone else.

Have a good set dude.

"Homeland ,

red currant land,

where do your pretty berries grow?

And where do they wash
themself with morning dew?


red currant land,

where do your pretty berries grow?

And where do they wash
themself with morning dew?


is the currant still alive, red land?

Is it still you?

That toke was bitter,
what should I do?"


will policeman say

"You're off the rails!"

And so you run away.

Your brother's over the edge,

your Mom is over the edge,

and you are high and over the hedge,

couldn't care less about your age.


What are you doing?

- How do you explain all this set-up?
- I'd never...

He drugged me, how sick is this?

I wanted to talk!

- What did you want to talk about?
- I wanted to talk about us!

Calm the fuck down!

Don't tell me to calm down,

there are more important things
right now!

My Grandpa is...

Hey girl, stand by the wall!

Fuck you, you asshole!

Alright! Lock her up in
the toilet! The ladies' room!

I'll remember you!

Turn around!

Comrade Mr. SWAT man, I don't
think you have the right to search me,

I didn't do anything.

Leave him alone,
he grew up in an orphanage.

Come on, have you
mistaken us for some people?

Shut up! Silence!

Alright: the smart-ass, the dumb one,
the old one - take them outside!

Hang on, have you searched him?


Let's get to know you better.

I don't have anything on me.

- Aha. What's this thing you've got?
- It's not mine.

Yeah, really?

- Maybe it's yours?
- No.


What is this?


Alright guys, it's not an
illegal substance, it's glycine.

Nervous, huh?

I don't have a very
good cerebral circulation.

Everybody in the club is
guilty of the same felony,

and everybody there has such a bag.

It's all glycine.

A hundred people got busted
with glycine?

You think we're stupid?

I understand what you're doing.

But, Beardface, the thing
is - we have changed.

This shit we found on you

is going to a brand new
high-tech lab as we speak.

Before we even get to the station

I will get a call from the
highly qualified lab staff.

Takes fewer time now.


He's right, it should be "less".

Anyway they're gonna tell me exactly

what you have in your urine

and in your bag.


Nothing, they're all clean.

Let's check the powder?


Have you even turned it on?

Of course I did, you'd better turn
on your head; what's wrong with it?

What's this?

- It's the power plug.
- Move it closer.

Hang on.

Listen, let's check the manual?

It arrived without the box.

No worries.

Okay, I'll try it myself.

It's glycine.

Yeah, you're right.
Let's try the powder in all the bags?


What, no one has anything in their urine?

What glycine,
what are you talking about?

Have you checked everything?

Go on!

Come on now!

I told you.

It's what it is.

Nope, Beardface.

You won't get away like that tonight.

I'm a glycine user myself.

- Are you?
- Yep.

I'm gonna compare them.

So, how's it working?

Difficult to say.

This is some weird glycine.


"I ran downstairs, not
touching the banisters,

and followed him as far as the gate.

And shouted, choking: "I meant it all

in fun. Don't leave me,
or I'll die in pain".

What are we gonna do?

- We have to take her to the hospital!
- What if they pursue us?

Yes, it's too risky.

But she's hurt.

She'll turn us in.

What about your dream, brothers?


you have the last word.


No, please don't!

I don't understand, we're clean!

Do you have cash?


- What about you?
- No!

Oh, I have something! Five grand!
They paid me for the set!

You have 5,000?
You're going to die now,

it's the last ever time you're
talking, you have 5,000?

I have an idea!

Let's break their arms.

Okay, why? why?

- So they can't get out of here.
- Please put it away, put it away!

We'll not tell anybody!

No, in that case we break their legs!

And we bind their arms!

- No, leave Denya alone!
- No, please stop!

Stop! What's this?

Now what is this?

What's this?

What's this?

You see that?

It's my son!


Today I became a father!

You hear me?

Doesn't really look like a fetus.

That's my future son!

It's the fetus!

No, no, this doesn't
look like one of those.

Here are the arms,

here is the leg,

and that... that's the head.

Where's the other leg?
There's no other leg,

where's the other leg?

There's no other leg

because they can't form simultaneously.

That's what the doctor told me today.

Cut the crap!

He's putting us on!


He's gonna have a sick son

and he's too scared to admit it.

He's just too scared to admit it!


a disabled son!

It'd better be a man.

A man!

It's hard to be a woman in Russia.

It's so hard to be a woman!

God bless Russia!

Hey guys

I've lost our rent money.

I asked the landlady to let me pay later
but she said no!

If we don't pay her tomorrow
she's gonna evict us.

Come here!

- Shit, it's cold.
- Come here!

- Fuck off!
- Here!

Let's burn our underpants!


To celebrate our friendship.

What? It's about our friendship!

"The USSR is the bulwark of spleen"...

Spleen? Why?

Does it make any sense?






How many are you?

- Well, what's wrong with that?
- There's three of us!

How many are you?

Also three!

- Cool!
- There're three of them too.

Why don't you join us?

- Why don't you join us instead!
- We're from Moscow!

- Almost!
- Well I'm from Moscow!

I'm from Krasnoyarsk!

And we're from Moscow's suburbs!

Come here!

Alright guys, who can
help me with my love life?

If there's a brunette
among them, dibs on her.

- Whatever, it suits me.
- Here's an oar!

Hi Denya.

I had no idea Krasnoyarsk
had such good guys.

You can come to my place right now
if you want to.

Do you know the skyscraper
on the Kotelnicheskaya embankment?

That's where I live.

Well, guys, time to go home?

Yeah, I gotta go, too.

Where are you going?


I'm Vitalik.

You've got a funny tattoo.


I've been to the North Pole, twice...


Didn't set foot on shore for six months.

Cool! My girlfriend, too, has one.

Come here.



Have a look!


- Have a seat.
- Sit down.

Have a seat girl!

You're so pretty!

What's your name?

"A car hit me...

But everything alright".

You're our savior!

Well, I still can't
compare with the Savior.

What, are you cured?

Kudos to you!

I'm not gonna take the credit.

Whatcha gonna do?

I guess it's not what
you do, it's how you do it.

What about you?

I kept writing about maniacs

and murder.

So now I'm thinking:
so much for focusing on myself.

I'm gonna make a comedy.

What's the title?


Heroes' prototypes:

Denis Lipatov,
drummer, not married

Alexey Kamynin, director, wasn't
able to shoot a straight-up comedy

Vitaly Anokhin,
DJ, still with no money

Valeria Ivanova,
producer, became a vegeterian

Roman Ilyushin, moved back
to Chelyabinsk and became a dad

Alyona Belolikova, owner of a
construction company in Europe

Nikita Kornev, left his girlfriend
for a 44 days bicycle tour

Lotos Soony Park,
likes to walk in Zaryadie Park

Come on, let's go.

Wait, do you have a condom?

Don't worry, it's gonna be fine!