Rudy Ray Moore: Live at Wetlands (2000) - full transcript

[funk music]

[applause]

- Greetings, ladies
and gentlemen.

We have a red hot show
for you this evening.

Are you ready for it?

[cheering]

Are you ready for it?

[cheering]

We've got something
so fantastic.

We have the man himself,

Dolemite, the king
of comedy records.



The fabulous Mr. Rudy Ray Moore.

Let's hear it for him.

[applause]

- Dolemite is my name

and rapping and
tapping is my game.

I took today and
brought back yesterday.

Took the fourth of July
and put it in June,

and made leap year jump
over the motherfucking moon.

Holy drummers, y'all
sure beat well.

I aint lying.

Just look at that little
simple one over there.

Do you beat everything
like you beat the drums?

Huh?

Answer me, nigga.



If you do, you're
a hell of a libido.

That nigga looks just
like my old dumb brother.

I had a brother
beat just like him.

My brother beat
his meat so much,

every time he sticks
his hand in his pocket,

his dick would start to dodging.

[laughter]

I aint lying.

If his had have been sandpaper,

his dick would've been
sharp as a needle.

[laughter]

My brother's dumb.

My brother was so dumb,

every time he went
to a crap game,

he kept four rolls
of toilet paper.

[laughter]

That motherfucker was so stupid,

he thought manual
labor was a Mexican.

[laughter]

He was so dumb,

he turned down a blowjob
because he thought

he would lose his
unemployment check.

[laughter]

I aint lying.

[applause]

My brother's so dumb,

he thinks that 69 is
the pope's phone number.

[laughter]

He's so stupid [laughter],

he thinks Kotex is
mattress for mice.

[laughter]

I aint lying.

Same thing happened
to me the other day.

Listen.

I was in my bathroom
minding my own business.

I was up like that,
washing up like that,

and one of my friends

walked in on me and said, "Rudy,

"you aint no longer my friend.

"You're standing up in
here beating your meat."

I looked at him and said,

"Why, you ignorant,
simple motherfucker.

"This is my house,
my soap, my water,

"and this is my dick
and I'll wash it

"as fast as I want to."

[applause]

I know a girl who
wanted to have a baby.

She got three boyfriends.

You know, she laid down
and she socked her stuff

to that first boyfriend
for about 30 minutes.

He grunted one time.

She looked at him
and said, "Daddy,

"what are we going
to name our baby?"

He jumped out the bed and said,

"Bitch, I aint never
went for that shit."

Second boyfriend
got on the stuff

and rode it for about two hours.

He grunted three times.

[grunts]

She said, "Oh,
daddy, daddy, daddy.

"What we gonna name the baby?"

This motherfucker
ran out the door,

making 100 miles an hour.

She said, "I aint got
but one more boyfriend.

"I aint taking no chances
on this motherfucker.

"I want to see that
he got it all there."

This son of a bitch rolled
up and down in that pussy

for about five hours.

Then he fell off
and went to sleep.

She hunched him in
the side and said,

"Wake up, daddy.

"Wake up, wake up, wake up.

"What we gonna name the baby?"

This motherfucker
jumps out of the bed,

pulls off the rubber,
ties it in a knot,

throws it against the wall,

and said if the motherfucker
get loose from there,

we're gonna name
him Hercules, baby.

[laughter]

[applause]

I aint lying.

Now, I've been everywhere in
the course of my lifetime.

I was in New York the other day

standing on the
corner of a street

and a fellow walked
up to me and said,

"Rudy, you are a movie star.

"Why don't you help the
blind man across the street?"

I said, "You got to
be a damn fool, man.

"What in the shit can he see on

"the other side of the street

"that he can't see on
this side of the street?"

I left him standing there.

Aint got no business
out sight seeing no way.

While I was standing
there, a dog come by

and raised up his leg and
pissed on the blind man.

I aint lying.

The blind man just stood there.

I said, "Sock it to him rover.

"Sock it to him."

Then, all at once, the blind
man reached in his bag,

and handed the dog a cookie.

I walked up to the
blind man, said

"Sir, that dog just
pissed all over you,

"and you rewarded him
by giving him a cookie."

He said, "Rewarded him hell.

"I'm trying to see where
this son of a bitch's head is

"because I'm gonna kick
this motherfucker's ass."

[laughter]
[applause]

I go everywhere, I travel
all over the country,

and when I was in Toledo, Ohio,

I got on the bus, you know,

and a man got on
the bus behind me

with a damn monkey.

It made me mad.

So I went to the bus driver.

I said, "Bus driver,

"do you allow monkeys
to ride this bus?"

He said, "You go over
there and sit down,

"you damn fool.

"Won't nobody know you on here."

[applause]

And I know y'all know
I'm lying this time.

And as I say, when
I was in Toledo,

I went over to Detroit

and I got there and they said,

"Rudy, won't you go
over to the hospital

"and visit the children
in the children's ward?"

So I had to do that.

I went to the children's ward

and when I got there,

the strangest thing
was happening.

There were two little babies
in the crib pen playing.

A little boy baby and
a little girl baby.

All at once, I heard
the little girl child

start to screaming.

[screams]

"Rape, rape!"

Little boy baby looked
at her and said, "Shut up

"and roll over, you're
laying on your pacifier."

[applause]

You know?

What's wrong with you, darling?

Now that's what I
call a lot of ass.

Mama, this place
could catch on fire

and they tell
everybody to haul ass,

you'd have to make two trips.

[laughter]

[cheering]

As I say, I was walking down
the street the other day

and this little ugly child
comes running up to me,

hollering, "Mister,
mister, mister."

She was so ugly, she looked
like crime in the face.

She was just so ugly, she
looked like she had been

short stopping alligators.

She was just so ugly,
she could break daylight

with her fists.

In fact, she raised the
windows and opened the doors

one morning and the
daylight refused to come in.

[laughter]

She came running up to me.

"Mister, mister, help me.

"I had two quarters in my hand

"and a little boy snatched
one of my quarters

"and run down the street with it

"and left me one quarter."

I said, "Honey don't tell me,

"why don't you tell the police?"

She said, "I did
tell the police."

I said, "Young lady,
you called them?"

I said, "How did you
call the police?"

She looked like this.

"Police, police, police."

I said, "Hell, can't you
holler no louder than that?"

She said no, so I snatched
that other quarter

and run with it.

[applause]

I was out with a young lady
the other night, you know.

And she looked at me and said,

"Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, Rudy.

"I know you're
trying to hit on me,

"but I'm going to
screw you tonight

"until you are gently satisfied,

"and I'm not going to
charge you na'an nickel.

"But all you've
got to do is buy me

"a pair of shoes."

I said, "Well, god damn.

"I can always give
up a pair of shoes

"for a good piece
of ass any day."

I aint lying.

I got on this piece of ass

and I rode it from Amazing Grace

to Float and Opportunity Base.

[laughter]

I rode it til I got tired.

Then I got dressed and
started to walk out the door,

and she started hollering at me,

"Oh Rudy, Rudy, Rudy, where
is the money for my shoes?"

I looked at her, I said, "Bitch,

"good as you can
screw barefooted,

"you don't need no
motherfucking shoes."

[applause]

A lot of people
are rapping today.

But when it comes
down to rapping,

I was through with it

before the rest of them
knew what to do with it.

[applause]

So now, ladies and gentlemen,

I will do my classic, Dolemite.

[applause]

♪ Some folks say
that Willie Greene ♪

♪ Was the baddest motherfucker
the world has ever seen ♪

♪ But I want ya to
light you up a joint ♪

♪ and take a real good shit
and screw your wig on tight ♪

♪ And let me tell ya about

♪ The little bad motherfucker
called Dolemite ♪

♪ Now Dolemite was
from San Anton' ♪

♪ A ramblin and gamblin
from the day he was born ♪

♪ The day he was dropped
from his Mammy's ass ♪

♪ He slapped his Pappy's face

♪ And said, "From now
on, you hunchback, ♪

♪ Moldy, mildewed motherfucker

♪ I'm running this place

♪ At the age of one he was
drinking whiskey and gin ♪

♪ At the age of two he
was eating the bottles ♪

♪ And boxes that
the shit came in ♪

♪ Dolemite had an Uncle
called "Sudden Death". ♪

♪ Killed a dozen motherfuckers

♪ From the huff and the puff
and the smell of his breath ♪

♪ When his Unc' heard how
Dolemite was treatin ♪

♪ His own Maw and Paw,

♪ He said, Let me go
check this little bad ♪

♪ Motherfucker before
he go too far ♪

♪ One cold, dark
December night, ♪

♪ Unc broke in on Dolemite

♪ His unc' said, "Dolemite,

♪ "I want you to straighten up

♪ "And treat your
brother right ♪

♪ "'Cause if you keep on
with your dirty mistreatin, ♪

♪ "I'm gonna whoop yo ass
till your heart stop beatin" ♪

[laughter]

♪ Dolemite sittin in the
middle of the floor ♪

♪ Scratching his
bare, bald ass head ♪

♪ He said, "I see
yo lips quivering ♪

♪ "But I don't hear a
motherfucking word you said" ♪

♪ This made his uncle mad

♪ He let off with a right
that was lightning flash ♪

♪ But Dolemite tore his leg
off, he was that damn fast ♪

[laughter]

♪ Now all the men in San Anton'
gathered around that night ♪

♪ They wanted to see if
they could do something ♪

♪ About this little bad
motherfucker called Dolemite ♪

♪ It took a hundred of
the oldest, the baddest, ♪

♪ The ugliest, the
funkiest men in town ♪

♪ Finally rode
Dolemite's ass down ♪

♪ Put him in jail,
held him without bail ♪

♪ If you think his
Mammy was happy ♪

♪ You shoulda seen his Pappy

♪ Now it's been eight long years
since Dolemite's been fed ♪

♪ The average motherfucker
would've long been dead ♪

♪ Now the warden
called Dolemite ♪

♪ Said, "Dolemite, I'm gonna
tell you what we gonna do ♪

♪ "We gonna give you
a dollar and a half ♪

♪ "And a damn good meal

♪ "If you promise
to leave us alone ♪

♪ "And get your badass
outta San Anton'" ♪

♪ Dolemite took the dollar and
a half and the damn good meal ♪

♪ And said, 'I'm gonna tell
you old, jive, molded, ♪

♪ Mildewed, decrepit,
motherfuckers how I feel" ♪

♪ Said, "Ya'll can kiss
my ass down to the bone ♪

♪ "Because I ain't never
comin back to San Anton'" ♪

[laughter]

♪ Dolemite wasn't
no more than 13 ♪

♪ When they let
him out the gate ♪

♪ He said, "I think I'll go
across sea and try my fate" ♪

♪ He got a job in Africa
kicking lions in the ass ♪

♪ To stay in shape

♪ He got run outta South
America for screwing steers ♪

♪ He fucked a she-elephant
til she broke down in tears ♪

♪ Dolemite worked for
five years and day ♪

♪ Got his pay

♪ Said, "Well, I believe I'll
go back to that jive-ass USA" ♪

♪ The first thing
Dolemite encountered ♪

♪ Was two Rocky Mountains

♪ Dolemite said, "Mountains,
what ya'll gonna do" ♪

♪ They said, "We gonna
part, Mr. Dolemite, ♪

♪ And let yo bad ass through"

♪ Dolemite went on
down to Kansas City ♪

♪ Kicking asses til
both shoes were ♪

♪ Doo-Dooey

♪ Shitty, man, shitty

[laughter]

If you snatched a
shoe out of an ass,

what would it be?

It wouldn't be doo-dooey.

I'd look like a fool,
going home telling my wife,

"Baby, I stepped
in some doo doo."

I stepped in a pile of
shit, I didn't see it.

♪ Went further on
down 42nd Street ♪

♪ Run into but that
bad ass Two Gun Pete ♪

♪ He said, "Move over,
motherfucker, and let me pass ♪

♪ "Before they have to be
pulling these Triple-A's ♪

♪ "Out yo

♪ "Ass."

That's what I'm talking about.

Put your weight on it.

♪ Then he went further
on down 42nd Street ♪

♪ He run into Chi' neighbor

♪ She said, "Come on
down to my pad Dolemite ♪

♪ "We gonna fuck and fight
till broad daylight" ♪

♪ Dolemite said, "Bitch,

♪ "I had a job Africa
kickin lions in the ass ♪

♪ "to stay in shape

♪ "I got run outta South
America for fuckin steers ♪

♪ I fucked a she elephant till
she broke down in tears" ♪

♪ Dolemite said, "Let me run
ya down some of my pedigree" ♪

♪ Said, "I've swimmed
across muddy rivers ♪

♪ And ain't never got wet

♪ Mountains has fell on
me and I ain't dead yet ♪

♪ I fucked an elephant
and dared her to mutter, ♪

♪ I can look up a bull's ass

♪ And tell you the
price of butter ♪

♪ I fucked another
elephant down to a coon ♪

♪ Even fucked the
same damn cow ♪

♪ That jumped over
the muthafuckin moon ♪

♪ You talkin about wrapping
your good hot pussy ♪

♪ All around my badass chin

♪ Bitch

♪ You outta be biting
me on the ass ♪

♪ Tryin to be my
muthafuckin friend ♪

♪ She said, " I got
something between my legs ♪

♪ "Hot as July's hell

♪ "It's very seldom
juking, but it's ♪

♪ "Good, god damn"

That's what I'm talking about.

You know what I'm talking about.

Good, goddamn.

And you look like
it oughta be too.

♪ Whoa, but Mabel farted.

♪ That's when the
fucking started ♪

♪ She made her pussy
do the Monkey, ♪

♪ The Twist, The
Popcorn, and the Grind ♪

♪ Left Dolemite's ass
nine strokes behind ♪

♪ She through pussy
up Dolemite's back, ♪

♪ Run out of his ear,
come down his pocket, ♪

♪ Even pulled his
asshole outta socket ♪

♪ But Dolemite suddenly
made a Mojo turn ♪

♪ Had the crabs around that
bitches asshole hollerin, ♪

♪ "Burn, baby burn!"

[applause]

Lady found her husband
outside in the barn,

fucking a cow.

She looked him, said, "Why
you dirty motherfucker."

Said, "My hot pussy
laying up here in the bed

"and you out here fucking
this goddamn cow."

She said, "I'm going
to church this morning

"and I'm gonna tell everybody
that you were out here

"fucking a cow."

He said, "Yeah,
bitch, if you do,

"I'll tell them which one
of you got the best pussy."

[applause]

I aint lying.

When I say eat out more often,

eating aint cheating.

No one knows where the nose
goes when the door's closed.

Everyone kneeling
don't be praying.

Remember, if they
got it in their hips,

you can damn sure
get it in the lips.

Look at this motherfucker
sitting there.

Look just like my
old dumb brother.

My brother ate so much pussy,

we raised him up one night,

he looked like a glazed
donut about the mouth.

I aint lying.

Now, you know they got
the prince and princesses

done married now.

You know, in England.

That's what they
call the Royal Fuck.

Compute it, baby.

You can just imagine the prince

looking at the princess.

He says, "Alright.

Would you pass me
the pussy over?"

And then, after she
pushes the pussy over,

he says, "Alright, I say,
should we have a go at it?"

She'll, say "Well, honey,
I don't mind if we do."

He will be in the bed
fucking English style,

with that little piece of meat

about to fall out on it.

And then, he'll look at her.

He said [gasps],

"I say.

"I think I'm about to arrive."

But soul brothers
don't do it like that.

When a soul brother gets
ready to bust his nuts,

he says, "Alright, baby,
hold on, I'm coming."

I aint lying.

That's some good
shit I'm telling you.

[applause]

Ya'll don't have to
give me the claps.

Give them to some
other motherfucker.

I aint going nowhere.

Yeah, this happened
to a brother.

He was a preacher, a missionary,

and he went over to
Africa, you know.

And he got across to one
of those jungle desserts.

And a lion started to chase him

and he started running,
boogedy, boogedy, boogedy.

He couldn't outrun the lying.

So he got on down on his knees

and begin to pray.

He said, "Lord have mercy,
oh please, help me."

And the lion caught up with him

and kneeled right
down beside of him.

And the lion said,
"Lord have mercy."

And the reverend said,
"Oh thank you, thank you,

"thank you.

"I didn't know
that lions prayed."

The lion said,
"Reverend, you're praying

"but I'm saying grace,

"'cause I'm getting ready
to eat your black ass."

[laughter]

[applause]

I aint lying.

As you all know,
you can remember

a few seasons ago,

a man come to you and
he had these words

that went something like this.

"My fellow Americans,

"and not you fucking niggers.

"Not a one of you
niggers voted for me

"but I made it to the
White House anyway.

"It has been said
that I, Tricky Dick,

"is trying to be a dictator.

"Well, you're right.

"I did the dicking and
you sons of bitches

"surely did the taking."

[laughter]

So I'm telling you
brother and sisters

do not make that mistake again.

I'm telling you on your
next presidential election,

vote for a righteous candidate.

Vote for Dolemite to
be your president.

[applause]

I will not promise you
a chicken in every pot.

I will not promise to make
every motherfucking thing

perfectly clear.

I will not promise to come
to you with no heavy heart.

If you all elect me
for your president,

I will not promise
you a goddamn thing.

[applause]

Because that's just
what you will get.

Nothing, if I win.

But I promise you, I will
have the Constitution

that will legalize prostitution.

You can bet your sweet
ass I will legalize grass.

I aint lying.

Now, a lot of
people want to know

and want to ask me
a lot of questions

about how I will do on
my presidential format.

Now, I'll tell you
brothers right now,

before I go any further.

If I get in the White
House and we take over,

brothers and sisters,

we are not going to
kill all the whites.

[laughter]

We'll need workers.

[laughter]

We'll need somebody
to harvest the melons

and clean the chit'lings.

[applause]

Wash them, please.

[distant female voice]

Yes, sir.

[distant female voice]

Yes, ma'am, I mean.

Ask that question again.

- How do you stand on marijuana?

- How do I stand on marijuana?

Very high, baby, very high.

[laughter]
[applause]

Next question, please.

[distant speech]

Yes, sir.

- [Male Voice] How do
you stand on foreign aid?

- How do I stand on foreign aid?

Now aint that a bitch.

How would you like to feed
some other motherfucker

before you feed yourself?

[laughter]

Next question, please.

Look at this little
simple motherfucker there.

[laughter]

If I get to be president,

I'm gonna put your
ass in the army.

Come up here.

[laughter]

Aint this a bitch.

Turn around.

Let people see your ass.

You're one ugly
motherfucker, honestly.

[laughter]

Hold your head up.

Standing up here with
these motherfucking

Coke bottle glasses.

[laughter]

Yeah, I'm gonna put
your ass in the army,

because you look like
good army material.

- You can't put me in the army.

- I can't put you
in the army, why?

- Because one of my legs
is shorter than the other.

- Well, don't worry about it.

Where you're going, the
ground aint level no way.

[laughter]

Next question, please.

- Dolemite.

If I had a green
bottle in my right hand

and a green bottle
in my left hand,

what would I have?

- You'd have the
Jolly Green Giant

in a hell of a fix, nigga.

[laughter]

Next question, please.

- Mr. Dolemite.

What are you going to
do about birth control?

I have 12 babies
and one on the way.

- Look at this big, fat,
burly motherfucker over there.

I bet you aint seen
your dick in 10 years.

[laughter]

Next question, please.

- [Female Voice] Mr. Dolemite.

- Yes.

- If you become president,

what are you going
to do for employment?

- What am I going to
do about unemployment?

Nothing, baby.

I'm gonna legalize stealing.

Can you dig it?

Next question.

Come up here, darling.

You come up here.

I aint lying.

[crosstalk]

What's your question, darling?

- Mr. Dolemite.

- Yes, dear.

- If you become president,

what will I gain?

- Darling, I'll let
you get away with

a hijacking if you pilot
a plane, can you dig it?

[laughter]

You're the type of
lady that I like.

I don't like young girls.

You know why?

- Why?

- They always broke and begging.

[laughter]

I like ladies like you
that will come to me

with their pocketbooks
wide open, dig it?

- You can come and
see me some time.

- Alright, go on
back there, darling.

Next question, please.

Yes.

- Mr. Dolemite,
I'm 18 years old.

Am I a man?

- Are you a man?

Aint that about a bitch.

[laughter]

You 18 years old and
don't know what you are?

[laughter]

You're gonna have to figure
out the best way you can, son.

[laughter]

Girl, this could
be a virgin boy.

[laughter]

I aint lying.

I'm looking for me a
nice, skinny gal tonight.

But if I can't find it,

a nice juicy, fat
butt boy [laughing].

[laughter]

- Mr. Dolemite.

- Yes, ma'am.

- How do you stand on free love?

- I don't stand on
it, I lay on it baby.

Can you dig it?

[applause]

- Why did you throw your
wife out the window?

- I felt like I wanted
to pitch a bitch.

[applause]

Next question.

[distant speech]

- Nigga, when you address
me, say Mr. Dolemite.

- Excuse me, Mr. Dolemite.

How come your dog
throws up his legs

when he's ready to piss?

- to knock his ass out of gear,

to keep from shitting, baby.

Can you dig it?

I aint lying.

[laughter]

Yeah, lady.

Question, lady.

- Mr. Dolemite.

I just want to know one thing.

How do you keep flies
out of your kitchen?

- Put a bucket of shit in
your living room, baby.

[applause]

- [Male Voice] Mr. Dolemite.

- Yes, sir.

[distant speech]

You can't even ask the question.

[laughter]

Now ask it again.

I don't know what
the fuck you said.

- [Male Voice] What are you
going to do about all this

air pollution?

- Air pollution?

Stick a cork up your ass
when you get ready to fart.

That will help the solution.

- Mr. Dolemite.

- [Rudy] Yes.

- Mr. Dolemite, can you give
me your definition on sex?

- My definition on sex?

- [Female Voice] Yes.

- Baby, sex is just like
putting money in the bank.

Once you take it out,

the interest is all gone.

[laughter]

Ladies and gentlemen,

but if I get to be president,

I'm gonna make everything
down and funky.

I'll even have a permanent
cure for all junkies.

So put Dolemite in
the White House.

If Elizabeth won England,

I can damn sure run America.

Brothers and sisters,

this ends my first show.

I will be back in
no time at all.

I've got to leave these
messages with you.

Be what you are.

Be the very best
of what you are.

Reach out for the moon,
but if you miss it,

cling to a star.

I am what I am and I'm
going to be the very best

of what I am, and for
those who don't like it,

confidentially, I
don't give a damn.

Because I'd rather be
hated for what I am,

than to be loved
for what I'm not.

[applause]

- [Female Voice] Now,
ladies and gentlemen,

we have a comedy of team.

Come on out here!

- [Male Voice] Hey Leroy,

what happened to that
big, fat belly you had?

- It's wasn't belly, sir.

It was a baby elephant.

You wanna hold his trunk?

[applause]

Sitting back there,
doing all that talking.

I recognize your voice.

You sound like a truck driver.

- [Male Voice] I
am a truck driver.

- Back up and get this load.

[laughter]

I seen an old man,
about 85 years old.

These old men is something else.

Went to bed with a young girl

about 20 years old.

Got in that bed with her
around 12 o'clock at night.

Hooked his toes at
the foot of the bed.

And this old man,
he started working.

Worked around there for
about an hour and a half.

This young girl got tired of him

being up there
working like that.

And she told him,
she said, "Pops,

"my goodness you've been
up here a long time.

"When you gonna come?"

Pop said, "I stopped
coming 40 years ago.

"I'm fucking now."

[laughter]

I aint lying, really.

Boy, this is something else.

What the hell is this
here coming over here.

Gee whiz.

Woman, what the hell is you
carrying in your arms like that?

What is that you got?

- This is my baby.

- Your baby?

- Looking for his daddy.

- This yo baby?

- That's my baby.

- Well, woman, you've
got he ugliest damn baby

that I've ever seen in my life.

- Don't do that, Leroy.

- That's an ugly damn
baby you've got, woman.

- Don't insult me in
front of everybody.

- Where'd you get
that baby at, woman?

Where'd you get that baby?

- I had it.
- You had it?

- You're damn right.

- Well, you must've got tied up

with a damn gorilla
or something.

[laughter]

That's an ugly damn baby, woman.

I aint lying.

- Don't you insult me no more.

I'll call the police on you,

I don't like that
kind of damn talk.

Talking about my baby and me,

you must be--

- Call the police, woman.

Let me tell you
one thing, woman.

Aint no woman in the
world should lay down

and let nobody pull
nothing from her womb

that damn ugly.

Do you understand me?

- You aint got no business
even talking about

me and my baby.

Look, honey!

Come here and get him.

You done disrespected me.

- [Man] I am an
officer of the law.

[laughter]

- This damn fool
has disrespected me.

- [Man] What did he do, ma'am?

- Talked about me
and my baby too.

- [Leroy] That's right,
that's an ugly damn baby

you've got.

- I want you to lock
him up, put him in jail.

- [Man] Just what
did he say, miss?

- He said my baby is ugly.

- [Man] He said what?

- My baby is ugly, my own
baby that I had my damn self.

Lock him up, hell no.

You better respect me.

- I'm not without
influence in this house.

I can arrange for you to get
four county check from me,

do you understand
what I'm saying?

- I don't need no
damn county check.

- Nevertheless.

I'll make you first in
line at the gas station.

- I don't need that.

- You don't have to
worry about that.

I'll give you five books
with food stamps in them.

- [Woman] I don't want no--

- I can do better than that.

I can give you a
banana for your monkey.

[laughter]

[applause]

- I'd like to mention
a few whiskeys,

and see if I can hit
anybody's special brand.

Old Crow.

Tollo Taylor.

Daddy saw Paul Jones

take Lloyd Calvin's
daughter, Virginia Dare,

out riding on a White Horse,

by Cobb's Creek
near Green's River

and for a Silver Dollar,
he laid her Bottom's Up,

tickled an Old Drum
with Three Feathers,

then he pulled out his Jim Beam,

which was hard as
a Canadian Club.

And rammed it in
her Crab Orchard.

And gave a shot of
Cream of Kentucky,

and that started
the Wilkins family.

[laughter]

- [Female Voice] Ah shut
up, nigger, you aint nobody.

- Nobody said
nothing to you, lady.

Nobody said nothing
to you at all.

- [Female Voice] I'm
talking to you, nigger.

- Why in the hell you talking?

I aint said nothing to you.

- I don't like you.

- [Leroy] What you
mean you don't like me?

- Your breath stank.

[laughter]

- Well, if you take
time to douche, dammit,

my breath wouldn't stink.

[laughter]

Every man in here who suck
pussy and know about it,

just raise your hand.

[laughter]

Raise your hand high, sir.

That's right,
raise your hand up.

Got your hand way up like you
suck a little bitty pussy.

[laughter]

I was at a motel the other night

and I heard you over
there talking next door.

Talking so damn loud,

he made me get unready
for what I came in there

already ready for.

I heard him in there
tell his woman,

"Damn, baby, you sure is dry."

She said, "That aint me, fool.

"That's the sheet
you're licking on."

[laughter]

[applause]

- Here I am, judge.

- [Leroy] Judge?

Judge?

- Here I am.

- But I'm not no damn judge.

- Yeah, you're the judge.

Here I am judge.

- But I'm not a judge.

I'm not no judge.

- Here I am [giggles].

- Boy here's a damn nut.

- Thank you very much [laughs].

Here I am, judge.

- [Leroy] Well,
if I'm the judge,

you know what you're
booked for, don't you?

- Yeah, I know what
I'm booked for.

- [Leroy] You're a vagrancy.

Are you a vagrancy?

- No, I'm not a vagrancy.

- [Leroy] Well, do you work?

- Yes, I work.

- [Leroy] Well,
where do you work?

- Here and there.

- [Leroy] What do you do?

- This and that.

- [Leroy] Well,
when do you work?

- Now and then.

[laughter]

- Lock him up, lock him up.

- Judge?

Judge?

When am I going to get out?

- Sooner or later.

[laughter]

[applause]

[drum roll]

- Once again, ladies
and gentlemen,

we'd like to bring you
the star of our show.

A young man that's
gonna really turn you.

Let's hear it for
Mr. Rudy Ray Moore,

with Sex Encounter.

Let's give a great, big hand.

Come on.

[applause]

[African drumming]

- My, my, my.

Yes, yes, yes.

This is the kind of
girls I dream about.

Fine, healthy thing.

Oh, just wait.

One time, turn
around, turn around.

Shake what you got.

Yes, yes, yes.

My, my, my.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my young ladies

as they leave the stage,

lets give them a big hand.

Aint they out of sight?

[applause]

Let's give them a big hand.

The fabulous Rudettes.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen.

These are my girls.

Aint they out of sight?

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I will perform my smash hit,

Close Encounters
of the Sex Kind.

I'm gonna talk to
the ladies right now.

Ladies,

use what you have got

to get what you want.

You know what that is.

That's your pussy.

Use it!

[laughter]

never let your man come
home from work and you say,

"Daddy, I don't
feel well tonight."

Drop your drawers at
the door if necessary.

Pussy poison that motherfucker.

Have pussy running
all out of his ears.

Fuck that motherfucker until
he buckles to his knees.

Fuck a motherfucker unti
he says, "Thank you, ma'am,

"I'm pleased, pleased, pleased."

Girls, this don't make
you less of a lady.

This makes you more of a lady

because you kept the
motherfucker at home.

[applause]

When you get through
wrapping that good, hot pussy

all around him,

all he gonna be able to do
is lay down and go to sleep.

There's nothing better
than a well-fucked man

because he's a satisfied man.

So girls, I say fuck him
until he's satisfied.

Now, girls, as you know,

your man when he gets
through fucking you,

and you don't fuck him well,

you know what he's gonna do?

Get up off your hot pussy
and leave it laying there

in the bed

and go out with
some other bitch.

I aint lying.

When your man leaves
your pussy laying there

and go out with
some other woman,

it means that your pussy
aint no goddamn good.

Because aint no
motherfucker going to leave

a T-bone steak to go to
Burger King to get a Whopper.

Even if you can
have it your way.

So I tell you to use it.

Use it for all it's worth.

And when you do decide
to give up the pussy,

don't just lay there.

Ladies, use the
grippers in your pussy.

You know what grippers
I'm talking about.

Like when you don't
wanna piss on yourself,

the grippers.

Rang a motherfucker's dick off,

with the grippers in your pussy.

I'll tell you to grip
that motherfucker

and turn it a-loose
and grip it again.

I wanna talk to the
fellas right now.

Fellas,

there's too much good
pussy out here today

that just aint been used right.

Some of you motherfuckers fuck
and some of you fucks around.

A lot of you fellas will
say, "I'm gonna fuck you

"all night long.

"I'm gonna do you like we
did on our wedding night."

Girls, don't go for that shit.

This motherfucker's
gonna offer you

one hard, and you know, mama,

you've got to get your
nuts on that one hard,

because if you don't,

you can forget it, mama.

Because it aint
gonna be no seconds.

You look at him and
you say, "Daddy,

"you know what you promised me."

He's gonna look at
you and say, "Oh gal,

"I can't fuck all night.

"I've got to get up and go
to work in the morning."

You know that, so you're going
to make a right hand signal

and a left hand
curve on the dick.

And then, he's gonna throw the
dick right down the middle.

You're gonna say,
"Right there, daddy.

"Right there, daddy.

"Right there, daddy.

"Right there, daddy."

And by the time you think
you're gonna bust your nuts,

this motherfucker stop you
in the middle of a good fuck

to ask you something
simple like,

"Aint it good, baby?

"Don't nobody fuck you
like I fuck you, baby?

"Aint all this my pussy, baby?

"Don't give nobody
else my pussy, baby."

Shit, you can give it to
who in the fuck you want to

because this son of a bitch
is going to be sleeping.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I've just performed
from my latest record,

Close Encounter of a Sex Kind.

When I told the fellas there's
too much pussy out here

that's not being used right,

some motherfuckers fuck
and some fucks around.

So you'll be able to get
everything on this album.

As I say, go out to
your local record store,

and buy it.

If you do buy it, I
wish you good luck.

If you don't buy it, I
wish you severe chest pains

the rest of your life.

[laughter]

and if that don't hold you,

hemorrhoids up on your ass.

Buy my shit.

I aint lying.

Yes, young man got in the bed
with his old lady, you know.

He fucked her, baby.

He know he did a job.

He looked at her and
said, "Baby was it good?"

She said, "No,
motherfucker, your dick aint

"no god damn good."

He said, "Bitch, good
as I can fuck you,

"you telling me my dick
aint no god damn good?

"What's wrong with it?"

She said, "Motherfucker, it's
got too many knots in it."

He said, "Bitch, what the
fuck you talking about

"it's got too many knots in it?"

She said, "Motherfucker,
it's not big enough,

"not long enough and
not hard enough."

[laughter]

This happened, you know...

Young lady took her boyfriend
out with her the other night.

He got in the bed with her,

and he looked at her.

She looked at him
and said, "Baby,

"if I had some nuts on the wall,

"what would I have?"

He said, "Bitch, you
would have some walnuts."

Said, "Baby, if I had
some nuts on my chest,

"what would those be?"

He said, "Bitch,
they'd be chestnuts."

She said, "Well, daddy,
if I had nuts on my chin,

"what would those be?

"Chin nuts?"

He said, "Hell no, bitch,
this time you'd have a dick

in your mouth."

I aint lying.

I got a nice old lady,
but she's an ugly chick.

I aint lying.

She's so damn ugly, she
looks like crime in the face.

She's just so ugly, she
looks like she's been

shortstopping alligators.

She's just so ugly, she
could scare a hungry bulldog

off the back of a meat truck.

Baby, and cross-eyed.

She's so cross-eyed, she
can stand on the front porch

and count the chickens
in the back yard.

I aint lying.

And her teeth
remind me of a 7-Up.

She's got seven up and one down.

She can't cook either.

You ever seen
anybody burn Jell-O?

I aint lying.

She looked at me and said,

"Rudy, listen, if I
keep cooking for you,

"what will I get?"

I said you're gonna
get my insurance.

- Here's Tippy.

You know, he went in a pool hall

to see one of my
brother's babies.

You know what, he looked
at my brother and said,

"Baby, I'd like
for you to change

"an $18 bill for me."

My brother looked at him.

"See, well, baby,

"how do you want it changed?"

"Two nines, three
sixes, or six threes?"

[laughter]

I was down at the bus
station the other day.

You know, they got these
new computerized scales.

And this brother run
and jumped on the scale

and said, "I want to see
how this thing works."

He put a dime in the scale.

The card comes out.

It said, "You are a black man."

It said, "You weigh 165 pounds

"and you are on your
way to New York."

He said, "Well,
I'll be goddamned."

So he saw an Indian
standing over there.

He said, "Indian,
come over here.

"I want to try this with you."

The Indian tipped
up on the scale.

Brother dropped a dime in there

and the card come out.

It said, "You are an Indian.

"You weigh 159 pounds,
and you are on your way

"to the reservation."

The brother said, "Well,
I have heard everything."

So he looked at the Indian

and said, "Indian,

"let me have that
blanket a minute."

He said, "I want to see if
this thing really works."

Brother took this blanket
and held it over his head,

and pulled up like this

and tipped back up
on the scale again.

Pulled a dime out of his pocket

and slowly dropped
it in the scale.

And the card come out.

It said, "You are
still a black man.

"Your weight was 165 pounds.

"But since you got
that damn shit on,

"you weigh 170.

"And you was on your
way to New York,

"but you fucked around
with that damn Indian,

"and missed your bus."

[laughter]

I talk about a lot of things.

But you know what
really makes me mad

is a farting motherfucker.

And what really
makes me made too

is some motherfucker farting
on a crowded elevator.

I was at a hotel the other
day on the 30th floor.

The elevator making no stops.

Coming all the down and
some motherfucker farted.

And you can always tell who
this farting motherfucker is,

because everybody else
has got their head

straight in front of them.

And this one farting
motherfucker be doing

one of these numbers like this.

I looked at him and said,
"Why you lousy motherfucker."

I'm gonna ask if you all
will give me the beat

one more time.

Give it to me.

That's what I'm talking about.

[rhythmic drumming]

♪ This is a tale
that I must tell ♪

Keep it soft, keep it soft.

♪ About a jive ass bitch
that put me in jail ♪

♪ So I set all alone
in my prison cell ♪

♪ Because the dirty bitch
wouldn't go my way ♪

♪ So as I was down the
river bout a year or so ♪

♪ I got a letter from the
no good, junkyard ho ♪

♪ She said, Dear daddy

♪ She said if you'd think
about settling down ♪

♪ And come on back to me

♪ I'll have the judge
set your black ass free ♪

♪ So I went on down to
my cell drug and pew ♪

♪ I thought I'd drop the
dirty bitch a line or two ♪

♪ I said, Dear bitch

♪ While taking a shit,
I read your letter ♪

♪ The more I read,
I shit much better ♪

♪ So I'm taking this
letter to wipe my ass ♪

♪ 'Cause one day,
your ass I will pass ♪

♪ So five years, after
I'd done my time ♪

♪ I had a chance to meet her
walking down 5th and Vine ♪

♪ Here comes the jive bitch

♪ I recognized her
by her big tits ♪

♪ She said, Daddy

♪ I can't get a quarter
for this pussy of mine ♪

♪ Would you loan me
one thin, thin dime ♪

♪ I said, Bitch

♪ Before I loan you
a thin, thin dime ♪

♪ You have to cook me a
chicken in half a day ♪

♪ Walk from New York to Los
Angeles and put the bones away ♪

♪ You gotta be born
blind and cannot see ♪

♪ Have the pox in the ass,
so bad you can't even pee ♪

♪ Be bowlegged and cannot walk

♪ Have your tongue cut out

♪ You can't even talk

♪ Ride a bald eagle one
million feet in the air ♪

♪ Get out and do the funky
chicken while you up there ♪

♪ Have the mumps and
the Asiatic flu ♪

♪ And the crabs
around your ass ♪

♪ Start singing
yankee doodle doo ♪

♪ Now here's when I'll loan
you a thin, thin dime ♪

♪ When the English professors
no longer speak proper ♪

♪ And Aretha start singing
that bullshit in opera ♪

♪ And BB no longer
sings the blues ♪

♪ And brothers in the jungle
start wearing alligator shoes ♪

♪ Bitch

♪ I might find a friend of
mine to loan you a nickel ♪

♪ But I'll damn near
kill that motherfucker ♪

♪ If he loaned you a dime

[applause]

The jokes that I tell
from my party records

like Eat Out More Often,

the one that
featured "Dolemite,"

I was down in Mobile,
Alabama on a hot summer day.

Great big fat lady was
sitting out in the yard

eating a watermelon.

And she had her dress pulled

way up over her navel.

I looked at her, I
said, "Goddamn, woman.

"You must be trying to
give your pussy some air."

She said, "Honey, it's
not catching no air,

"but it's damn sure keeping
the flies off this watermelon.:

♪ I'm Pimpin' Rock

♪ And I'm known to
knock the lining ♪

♪ out the average bitch's cock

♪ I got a great big dick and
it's mighty, might long ♪

♪ When I get in the bitches
ass, I make it sing a song ♪

♪ I sent the bitch to
the store for butter ♪

♪ And the bitch come
running back with lard ♪

♪ I'm in a good mood
to fuck the bitch ♪

♪ Suddenly my dick
won't get hard ♪

♪ She said you lay too heavy
and you fuck too long ♪

♪ You're fucking up my body, you
must be putting it in wrong ♪

♪ I asked the bitch
for her tongue ♪

♪ The bitch give me her tit

♪ I'm talking censor and
the whore's talking shit ♪

♪ The bitch had the nerve to
tell me to get on my knees ♪

♪ And nibble her pussy
like a rat eats cheese ♪

♪ I said, Bitch

[distant speech]

♪ Bitch

♪ I like cheese, I aint no rat

♪ I like pussy but
not like that ♪

♪ I said your drawers may be
clean and trimmed in lace ♪

♪ But you aint gonna never

♪ Get to sit your funky
ass in this boy's face ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the player

♪ A pussy surveyor

♪ My dick is long
and hard as stone ♪

You wanna see it?

Alright, I'll show
the motherfucker.

God damn.

I see more men
looking than women.

[laughter]

What the shit is happening?

♪ My dick is long
and hard as stone ♪

♪ And I just love to make
a bitch moan and groan ♪

♪ I used to be young,
dumb and full of cum ♪

♪ But now I'm slick and
pack a whole lot of dick ♪

♪ Always ready to make
a bitch turn a trick ♪

♪ The day I was born, my
race they tried to figure ♪

♪ One look at my big long dick

♪ The doctor say, he's
just got to be a nigger ♪

♪ At the age of one, I
entered a fucking contest ♪

♪ Fucked 99 bitches til
they gave out of breath ♪

♪ When that was over my
dick was still hard ♪

♪ So I beat my meat in
my daddy's backyard ♪

♪ I said, Jump back, fingers

♪ And look out, thumb

♪ Here's one more lick
because I'm getting ready ♪

♪ To make this
motherfucker cum ♪

♪ I am the player,
the pussy surveyor ♪

♪ Imp the Stimp,
the women's pimp ♪

♪ Don't tell me that
my rap aint fine ♪

♪ 'Cause it rhyme
in its own time ♪

♪ So check out yo' mind

♪ Check out your mind

♪ Check out your mind

♪ Check out your mind

I aint lying.

I met a young lady in a club
like this the other night.

You know?

And she looked at me, she said,

"Rudy, I want you
to go home with me."

I said, "Baby, I don't
go home with no women.

"I take them to a motel."

She said, "Daddy, I
aint got no husband.

"Come on home with me."

I decide to go home with her.

You know what happened?

When I got home with
her and got in the bed

and started wailing
on that pussy,

all at once, I heard
a knock on the door.

I said, "Bitch, what
the fuck is that?"

She said, "That's
my husband, hide."

I said, "Bitch,

"how in the hell is anybody
gonna hide in one room?"

She said, "Nigga,
jump out the window."

I said, "Woman, look here,

"we're on the 13th floor."

She said, "Motherfucker,
this aint no time

"to be superstitious.

Jump!"

I know damn well, I
wasn't gonna jump.

So I run and jumped up
over the front door seal.

Nuts hanging down,
black ass out.

And this big, burly motherfucker

busted through the door,

hollering, "Bitch, what
the fuck you've been doing?

"What the fuck you been doing?"

She said, "Nothing,
daddy, nothing, daddy."

"Then what the fuck is
that hanging up over there

"on the door seal?"

She said, "Daddy, that's
some doorbells I bought

"down at Sears."

He said, "I'm gonna
see if I can make these

"motherfuckers ring."

This son of a bitch
went into the closet

and got a baseball bat
and drew back at my nuts,

and I looked down and said,

"Ding dong, motherfucker.

"Ding dong."

[applause]

I'm not lying.

You know, I can remember
when I was going to school.

We had a little Italian
boy in the class.

And the teacher looked at him.

Said, "Junior, today
I want you to spell

"Mississippi."

The little Italian boy
couldn't help how he talked.

Because, you know,
there aint no Italians

in Mississippi.

But he said, "Teacher,
I'll try to spell it."

So he run to the
blackboard and said,

"M come first.

"And then a I come.

"S come twice.

"And then I come again.

"S come twice more.

"And I pee-pee

"and I come again."

[laughter]

Mississippi.

[laughter]

I aint lying.

And we had a little
girl in the class.

And the teacher
said, "Sally, today

"for your spelling lesson,

"I want you to spell, Peter."

Sally said, "Teacher,

"I can't spell them old
long, hard words like peter.

"But I'll try."

she said, "P.

"P, P."

Teacher said, "Girl,
get on out of here

"and sit down.

"You're gonna stay up
here and pee all day."

They had Lucy in the class.

She was the smartest
of them all.

She said, "Teacher,
teacher, teacher.

"I can spell it.

"P-E-T-E-R, peter, peter, peter.

"They don't come too long
and hard for me, honey."

[laughter]

I'd like to talk about
the good old days,

when I was a little boy.

Well, I'm from
Mississippi, as you know.

And I'm glad to be from there,

but I can remember times was
hard in Mississippi, baby.

Times were so hard, that
the Mississippi River

didn't run but twice a week.

Once up stream, and then
again, back downstream.

I can remember one year,
baby, we had hard times.

Our crop didn't come in.

I can remember the
times were so hard,

me and my brother hung our
stockings over the mantle picce,

and the health department
made us take them down.

Baby, that Christmas,
we didn't get nothing.

I said, "Daddy, daddy,
daddy, what is Santa

"gonna get us for Christmas?"

Daddy said, "You know
what my daddy did?

"Went in the closet and got
a rifle and went outside

"and shot it up in the air,

"and come back in
the house and said,

'Kids, Santa just
committed suicide.'"

We didn't get nothing
that Christmas.

I aint lying.

Baby, times were so hard,

me and my brother
wore tennis shoes

Easter, Indian Summer, New Year,

Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Baby, we wore tennis
shoes so long,

until we wore them out up
to the name on the ankle.

We didn't have to take them off.

When we laid down, all we did
was just folded them back.

I aint lying.

Well, but I'm grown up now

and I've left home and
I go a lot of places

and I went to church
the other day,

and you know what happened
when I got in church?

The preacher said,
"This morning, my
brothers and sisters,

"we do not have an organ player.

"But we're gonna sing
the hymns with no music."

And a little young man jumped
up in the back of the church.

He said, "Reverend,

"I cannot play organ
but I can play piccolo

"for your choir to sing."

The reverend said, "Oh
thank you, young man.

"Alright, choir let's
turn to hymn number 100."

[sobbing while mumbling]

"I can't play hymn number 100."

The reverend said,
"That's alright, son.

"Let's turn to hymn
number 140, choir."

The piccolo player
said, "Oh Reverend,

"that's a hard one.

"I can't play that one either."

Somebody in the church said,

"That piccolo player
is a motherfucker."

The reverend said, "I'm not
going to have that shit.

"Whoever called my piccolo
player motherfucker,

"stand up."

Nobody in the house
would stand up.

The reverend said, "I
want whoever called

"my piccolo player to stand up."

Nobody would stand up.

Finally, a little
young man jumped up

in the back of the church
and said, "Reverend,

"I am not the man that
called your piccolo player

"motherfucker,

"and I'm not sitting
next to the man

"that called your piccolo
player motherfucker."

He said, "I'm not even
sitting next to the man

"that's sitting next to the man

"that called your piccolo
player mothefucker,

"but I'd like to know one thing.

"Who called this motherfucker
a piccolo player."

[laughter]

♪ Wasn't it sad when the
great Titanic went down ♪

♪ There was people of all
races and all different kind ♪

♪ But there was one black
motherfucker on the deck ♪

♪ That they called Shine

♪ He wore sweet and wider
britches and broken shoes ♪

♪ You know that motherfucker
used to sit around all day ♪

♪ Just to sing them blues

♪ Shine said, Captain,
captain, don't you know ♪

♪ It's 40 feet of water

[unintelligible]

♪ Captain said, Shine

♪ Go back, you dirty black

♪ We've got 1000 pumps
to keep this water back ♪

♪ Shine went down below
and began to think ♪

♪ He said ooh, this big bad
motherfucker is bound to sink ♪

♪ Shine set his
fish in the ocean ♪

♪ And his crabs to the sea

♪ But this one time, you
good, keen white folks ♪

♪ Aint gonna bullshit me

♪ Shine went up and
jumped over the bow ♪

♪ And began to swim

♪ With 1000 millionaires
looking at him ♪

♪ One bitch run out
on the deck and say ♪

♪ Shine, Shine

♪ Please stay for me

♪ I'll give you all the
good stuff you can see ♪

♪ Shine said your stuff
is good and I aint lying ♪

♪ But a piece of your
pussy aint worth me dying ♪

[applause]

♪ Up stepped the captains
wife to the deck ♪

♪ She had drawers in her hand
and a brazier around her neck ♪

♪ She said, Shine, Shine

♪ Please stay for me

♪ And I'll give you more
pussy than you can see ♪

♪ Shine said, Bitch

♪ Your pussy's good
and that is true ♪

♪ But there's some
whores on 5th Street ♪

♪ Will make an ass out of you

- [Male Voice] I heard that.

[applause]

♪ The captain stepped
up on the deck ♪

♪ He said Shine, Shine

♪ Please stay for me

♪ I'll make you richer
than any shine can be ♪

♪ Shine said Captain,

♪ To stay with you
would be very fine ♪

♪ But I've got to first save
this black ass of mine ♪

♪ The captain jumped
over in the ocean ♪

♪ And began to go
around and around ♪

♪ A cramp hit his left nut

♪ And that motherfucker
went sinking down ♪

♪ The captain's daughter
stepped on the deck ♪

♪ She said, Shine, Shine

♪ Please stay for me

♪ I'll name this
little kid after thee ♪

♪ Shine said, Bitch

♪ You're not dumping,
gonna have a kid ♪

♪ But you're gonna have
to hit this water ♪

♪ Just like old Shine did

♪ Shine turned over,
did a back hand stroke ♪

♪ The water shot from his
ass like a motorboat ♪

♪ Shark, I know some of them
ass you would like to taste ♪

♪ But from here to New York is
gonna be one hell of a race ♪

♪ When the news got
around the world ♪

♪ That the great Titanic
was lost at sea ♪

♪ Shine was on Bill Street
in Memphis, Tennessee ♪

♪ All of his friends
were singing a toast ♪

♪ They were saying,
Here's to old Shine ♪

♪ That was born in a ditch

♪ He was a nasty,
goat smelling ♪

♪ Motherfucker, but he's a
swimming son of a bitch ♪

[laughter]

[applause]

I can remember back home.

My outhouse was
different than y'alls.

You know, y'all used
to have that old

Sears catalog
hanging on the wall.

But we had corn cobs
in our outhouse.

And some of y'all had corn
cobbs in your outhouse

but we had two sets.

I can remember we had a
bushel of white corn cobbs

in our outhouse.

We had a bushel of
brown corn cobs in it.

First thing you do.

You wipe your ass
on a brown corn cob.

You throw that one away.

Then you wipe your ass
on a white corn cob

to see if you needed
another brown one.

Two soldiers went to Vietnam.

Yes, a brother
and a white fella.

They come all the way back home.

They never got a stitch on them.

Never got na'an stitch
on them in the army.

They went back to Mississippi.

The people in Mississippi said,

"Fellas, I'm gonna give y'all
anything that y'all want."

They looked at the
white boy and they said,

"Young man, what do you want?"

He said, "Well, I'll show
you what to get for me.

"Give me $10,000 and a
Lincoln Continental to drive."

They said, "Alright, we're
going to get that for you."

They look at the
brother, said, "Brother,

"brother, brother.

"What would you like?"

The brother said,
"Well, I'll tell y'all

"what y'all get for me.

"Give me a dollar and a half

"from the head of my
dick, down to my balls."

They looked at
the brother, said,

"Brother, brother, brother.

"Don't you want no
more than that?"

The brother said, "No,
that's all I want."

So he pulled out that
old big, long dick,

hung damn near
down to his knees.

They put a dollar and a
half down to the end of it.

They put another dollar
and a half on it.

They put another
dollar and a half on it

and another dollar and a half,

and another dollar and a half,

and another dollar and a half,

and another dollar and a half,

another dollar and a half

and one fella looked
at him and said,

"Well, nigger.

"Where in the hell
is your nuts at?"

He said, "In Vietnam."

[laughter]
[applause]

I aint lying.

Young man got in the
bed with his girlfriend

the other night.

Baby, he was gone
in three minutes

just like opium.

She said, "Why you
no-screwing motherfucker."

He said, "Bitch,
get up out this bed

"and go and fix me some food."

She went to the ice box

and she brought him one
carrot and a head of lettuce.

He looked at her
and said, "Bitch,

"why in the fuck
did you bring me

"a carrot and a head
of lettuce out here?"

She looked at him and
said, "Motherfucker,

"you fuck like a rabbit.

"You might as well
eat like one."

[laughter]

I aint lying.

That's some good
shit I'm telling you.

This is one called
The Bulldikers.

I think I'll pack my suitcase

and move on, fella.

Because these rotten ass
bitches has gone to fucking

one another.

These bitches is
drawing up a plan.

They crawling up on
one another's pussy

like a natural man.

They rubbing belly to
belly and skin to skin

and fucking like hell,
it aint shit going in.

What we men has got to do

is bring this shit to a stop

because these hoes
is rubbing to hell

for one another's cock.

That's some good
shit I'm telling you.

I got on the bus the other day.

And there was a white lady
sitting on the bus, you know.

And she had some sweet
smelling perfume on.

And a black lady got on the bus

and sit down beside
of her and said,

"Oh honey, what in the world
is that sweet smelling perfume

"I smell?"

Little white lady
looked there and said,

"Black Knight, black bitch.

"100 dollars an ounce."

Oh, this made the
black lady mad.

The bus eased on
down the street,

and all at once,

the black lady let
out one of them

cornbread, cotton-picking farts.

[imitates fart]

Little white lady
said, "Oh my god,

"what is that terrible
smell I smell?"

The black lady said,
"White beans, white bitch.

"15 cents a pound."

[laughter]

I aint lying.

[laughter]

My, my, my, my, my.

Where in the fuck
did you come from?

That's one ugly
motherfucker, I aint lying.

Baby, this motherfucker so ugly,

he can scare the
stink out of shit.

[laughter]

He's so ugly, when he was born,

his mother put him in a
corner and had to feed him

with a goddamn slingshot.

[laughter]

He's so goddamn ugly,

they gave him a job standing
outside of doctor's office

making people sick.

[laughter]

[distant speech]

Now, that's the kind of
nigga that always wants

to get in the show.

Ladies and gentlemen,

look at this
motherfucker over here.

That's the kind of nigga
that will fart in a bathtub

and turn around and bite
the fucking bubbles.

[laughter]

Since you know so much,

bring your ass up here.

Aint that a bitch.

[shouting unintelligibly]

Well, our president, Mr. Reagan,

said he's gonna give
all niggas a job.

He's gonna build car washes

7000 miles long.

- I don't want no
car wash job man.

- Well, I only
have one other job.

- What is it?

- Putting dick rubbers on
roosters and milking hens.

- You're crazy.

- That'll hold his ass alright.

[laughter]

Yeah, I went out with a
young lady the other night.

You know, at my age, I
can't get ready so quick.

So she looked at me
and said, "Daddy,

"daddy, I'm hot.

"Do something quick."

You know what I thought about?

One finger.

I stuck that finger up in there.

Got that finger up in there

and she says [gasps],

"Oh daddy.

"Oh daddy!

"Oh daddy.

"Oh, your ring is hurting."

I said, "That ain't my ring,
that's my watch, bitch."

[laughter]

I aint lying.

Same old hand joke.

I got another young lady.

I couldn't get ready for her.

I tried that same shit.

I stuck that finger up in there.

And you know what
she said to me?

"Daddy, daddy.

"I got some more room.

"Stick another finger up in it."

said, "Daddy, I got a
little bit more room.

"Stick another finger up in it."

She said, "Daddy, since
you've got some more room,

"stick your whole hand in it."

I got one hand in there.

She said, "Oh daddy, oh daddy.

"Stick your other
hand up in there."

And after I got both
hands up in there,

she said now clap them.

I said, "I can't."

She said, "I told you I
got tight pussy, didn't I?"

[laughter]

I aint lying.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm filmed live in the concert

Eat Out More Often.

A lot of people
say, "Rudy Ray Moore

"is like Pryor."

But they're a goddamn lie.

I'm not gonna be like Pryor

and set my ass on fire.

[laughter]

Some learn and some burn.

If I ever decide to freebase,

I'm gonna build me
a house next door

to the Mississippi River.

If I catch on fire,

I'm gonna run and jump dead
into that motherfucker.

[laughter]

Yes.

Dolemite is my name.

And rapping and
tapping is my game.

I'm the one that took the rock

that killed the giant Goliath

and whipped Nero's ass
for setting Rome on fire.

That's right, baby.

I'm a rare specimen of
man, don't you agree?

The stars, the sun, the moon

refuse to shine without
first consulting me.

I'm the bad motherfucker
that roams the meadow.

When I fart, I
change the weather.

When I shit, I
whither the grass.

The whole world trembles
when I shake my ass.

Dolemite.

Dolemite.

Dolemite.

Dolemite.

[applause]
[funk music]