Rubbeldiekatz (2011) - full transcript

Hello, Baby, I'm back!

Hey, Gonzales!
Surprise-surprise.

Hey, Bunny.
What a surprise!

Bunny.

You've got this all wrong.

Why didn't the dog bark?

Ms Voss, we've arrived.

I know.

Sarah Voss!

You say nothing about the split-up.
-Right.

Why don't you try my hormone pills?



They kill the libido dead.
It's so liberating.

Pills meant for sex offenders
aren't my thing.

If they hit the spot for those perverts,
they must be good.

We should stop chasing
the family dream.

It's just media propaganda.

Like Christmas,

saving schemes, happiness and Africa.
-So why did you marry twice, then?

That was the 80s.
We all took coke, were romantic...

and unrealistic.

At least you had friends.
I just get the run-around.

Friends, baby-girl, friends?

You're thin and rich,
what woman would be friends with you?

Personal relationships
are for losers with time to kill.

Maybe not being single
is a personal need.



Smile, baby-girl!

How about a beer?
-No, I've got to go.

This is the fifth time I've seen you,

and you're better each time.

I'm delighted.
Thank you.

Could you sign here?

Yes...
-It's for my husband.

Yes.
-He was at the premiere,

then he had a fall,

and now he's in hospital.

I'm so sorry.
For your sake, he'll recover.

All right...
-Audition time!

I'm coming.
That's my brother hurrying me along.

Bye, then. And thanks.
-Bye.

It's so touching
when they enjoy it.

And the compliments I got!
-I get that, but...

You're playing to the oldies.

You have to keep developing.
-What?

You don't have a clue.

The majority of German viewers are
over 60, and the percentage is growing.

So you see,
old age is Germany's future.

And I'm building up a fan base.
-What an attitude to have!

Get some perspective.

Listen,
the audition tonight

is being held
by a hip young crowd.

They're young and exciting.

You have that in common.

Do you have a problem
with getting naked?

What, now?.
-In the film.

Do you mind nudity around people
or animals, particularly apes?

That's just a suit.
We haven't cast the part yet.

Do you mind dancing naked with an ape?
With plenty of physical contact.

Sex, too, maybe.
Love scenes.

ENTER YOUR PIN

So you dance with a monkey!

What's the big deal?
Why is he always like this?

How much?
-150.

The tickets alone are 80.

I'm lending you nothing.
-Ask the refusenik here.

Goal!

I'm not a bad actor, am I?
-I can't really judge.

I know about cars:
whether they run or not.

I'm not bad.

It's showbiz I can't handle.

Rubbeldiekatz...

A good homepage would help matters.

Are you stupid or what?
The homepage is great.

I do it for you for free
and you just whinge.

Yes!

Hey, sausages!
-Not for you!

You'll be too fat.
-That's my business.

No.
You have an audition tomorrow.

I've had it with your auditions.

That's too bad.
This time it's... Hollywood! Not apes!

You're kidding?
-Not at all.

The Yanks are here, doing a Nazi film,

and you're being auditioned...

So who's the moron-manager now?.
Hollywood!

This is a woman's part.
-Rubbish.

It says Maria Schneider.
-But they checked your site...

Uh-oh!
-What do you mean, uh-oh?

I changed a few things.
The font...

And there are less photos.
-That's me as a woman!

You don't understand web design.
Check the font! It's sick!

Sick? It's pink!
It's as kitsch as cuddly kittens!

It's shit!
Shit. Look at it!

You're useless.
-Jan's a good web designer.

The Seidl Dance School's homepage

is beautiful.
-Thanks.

Sounds wicked: Maria Schneider
head of the League of German Maidens,

wife of an Obersturmführer,
falls in love with a Jewess,

Rahel,
who's hiding in the League.

You're going to go there in drag?

Why do Hollywood guys
only do films about Nazis here?

They're Germany's greatest hit.

It's them or health-insurance companies.
-The public ones are the baddies and...

No... Wait...
-You know what?

I'll do it! It's a great role
for a young, talented actress.

But you aren't one.
You're a big, ugly dude.

I've played women
thousands of times on stage.

I can do two days as a Nazi boss.

Right?
I am not a bad actor.

Jürgen, say something.

And stop stroking that cat!
-It calms me down.

But you're the manager.
-I think Alex has a point.

You've got your wigs.
And clothes from the theatre.

Two days. For this:

SOCIAL SECURITY

Alexandra Honk.

What a forest!

It's got caught up.

Stop...
-Skip into these tights, you'll be fine.

God!

My God!

They're as big as I am.

God, you look like a naked mole!

Now the crucial bit.

Up!
-Okay?

Fine. Down.

What would you prefer,
silicon or lentils?

Lentils?
-It's better for the environment.

These ones.
-All right.

Nice!

You need freshening up.
We'll contour the lips,

add highlights,
make the eyes smoky.

They're a woman's weapon.

Hi, I'm Alex.
-Feeling nervous?

A little.

Really?

I'm not.

Honk. Alexandra Honk.
Could you come here?

Yes. Er...

So...

Bye.
-Feel free to hurry up.

Okay, we start with the weeping scene.
Start when you're ready.

Now.

I start when I'm ready, right?

That's what I said, yes.

Very German face.

My fatherland.
Hitler's land.

I was such a believer.
We were all seduced by that little man.

He led us to the abyss.

But...
Should I do it again?

Okay, this time...

My fatherland.

Hitler's land.

Little German maiden.

Congratulations, you're cast.

Hollywood.

Hollywood.

You see, I'm not a bad actor.

Right?
I put breasts on and I made it.

I made it.
-To Maria Schneider.

To women.
-To the Nazi film.

To Adolf Hitler.

Are you nuts?
-What?

Without that idiot
we wouldn't have a film industry.

Let's drink to the women, then.

To beautiful women.
-Hollywood.

What strength's that?
-70 or 80.

I like it.
-Excuse me.

Nice stride.

Wedding preparations
mean more than my birthday.

It's so full of people here.

I'm out on the balcony.

What?
Oh, him.

Yes... no.
We're not a couple anymore.

No, I've no idea who he's screwing now.
And you...

are marrying Ralph,
my dear little sister.

So it's all perfect.

I have to check up on the guests.
I'll call you back.

Hi!
-Hi.

I'm Alex.

I'm Sarah.
Do you always eavesdrop?

No, I just happened to be passing.

Is the dog yours?

What if he is?
-I'd put him on his lead...

It's not a lead.
It's a chain.

People wear them like this.
-Say...

don't I know you?
-Not at all.

Can I get to know you?
-If so, then how about now?.

I'm actually here
with my brothers and a mate.

We're having a barbeque.

It's like this:
I'm going that way,

and you can come along,
or you can go back to your barbeque

and your brothers.

What's wrong?

I'll be back in a moment.

Oh, God!

Fuck... fuck!

No, shit!

Oh dear.

Fuck, fuck.

Damn.

Hey. Well...

You're not wearing underwear.

I never do.
-Nor do I.

This won't be a senseless affair, right?
-It's just the start!

I couldn't take it
-Come off it.

Alex!

Alex!

I've had it. I want to go home.

He'll have fallen asleep.

Had an adrenalin rush,

then the alcohol did him in.

He'll have frozen to death.
-Really?

Rubbish, it's thawing.
-He might have.

Look, there's a guy there.

I'll ask him, okay.

Hello? Hello.

Excuse me, do you know where Alex is?

You're looking for Alex.
-Yes, where is he?

He'll be right back.
-Where was he? We looked everywhere.

He'll be ready in a moment.
-Were you partying with him all along?

We looked everywhere for him.

Here he is, our Alex.
-Hello!

Well, what would you like, you three?

But... you're straight.

Actually yes,
but we're looking for our brother.

You know what? An orgasm
has the same dramatic arc as a sneeze.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Just aftershocks.

Basti?

Jürgen?

Basti?

Jürgen?

One hour.

Yes?

Morning. You ordered breakfast.
-Yes?

So...

Where would you care to eat breakfast?

Here, at the piano.

Yes...

It was a crazy night!

Yes...
Large scrambled eggs with salmon twice.

Crimean caviar, large,
eggs benedict,

dessert,
cheese platter, orange juice, champagne.

That's everything.

If you'd be so kind as to sign this.

Thanks.

Yes. Well I've got no cash on me.

Yes. Well thank you very much,
enjoy your meal.

Thanks.

Hello.
-Hey there.

What a night, eh?

Yes, it was... cosy.

Come along, it was pretty...

It was comfort sex.

Not too bad.

Crap! Hi.

I'm in a taxi.

I'll be there in a moment. Yes...

Comfort sex.

Mobile, purse...

script.

Wow! We ordered a lot to eat.

Enjoy your meal.
-Will we meet again?

Hope so.
-When, then?

Who's to say?

Shit... shit.
Yes?

Where are you?
We looked everywhere.

It's the reading rehearsal.

What?
Christ alive.

Come home. You can't go as a man.
You have to turn into a woman.

I'll be right there, okay.
-Yes.

Shit.

Hi.
-Morning.

Can I exit here?
-How did you enter?

I was visiting.

Thanks.

Where did you end up?

You... were with us.

Hey... hey!

Maike!
Are you nuts?

I have to talk to you.
-Maike, listen.

You want to talk but I've no time. Okay?
-No. We never talk.

We say we'll talk but never do.
I'm sick of talking about talking.

No time.
I'll call you tomorrow,

I don't believe you.
It's the last thing you'll do.

Why talk about relationships?
We don't even have one.

That's the point.
-The point of what?

Okay...

Tell me to my face, here and now,

you don't love me anymore,
you've got a new girl.

What do you mean, a new girl?

You don't own me.

We're not guinea pigs.

Why do you always argue with me?

Cause you always avoid conversation.

See?
You argue, argue, argue.

It goes round in circles.

You can't enjoy it, either.
-Right.

But what can you do?
-Okay, Maike, listen.

Let's stop this. I'm running late.
-Oh, I'm sorry.

Hello Maike.

Okay.

I'll be in touch.

You call me.
-I'll call you.

Hello. This is Alexandra Honk.
I'm her manager. Where can we park?

That's not for us. We're the cast.

Shit...

Come on, we're late.
-Help me. It's not easy.

Is that the Waffen SS? Look!

Anyone for a latte macchiato?
-Great...

Excuse me,
do you have a light?

No. I'm sorry. No.

It's an addiction. You know?.

Hey.
The Führer just chatted me up!

That's Thomas Henning.
He was in Broken Brain part one.

Mr Henning!

Imagine me meeting you! Mad!

I'm a huge fan of yours.

I even had a haircut like yours.

Alex, come here.
This is Mr Henning.

This is my client, Alexandra Honk.
She plays your wife, Maria Schneider.

Hi...

Lovely...
I'm Thomas,

I play Obersturmführer Helmut,

You can't imagine

how your performance as that mad cripple
in Broken Brain affected me.

It was mad.
-Yes.

I spent seven months
in a prison psychiatric ward

to get into character.

That was no piece of cake.
I have some penfriends there, still.

When I got the Oscar,

I dedicated it to the boys in there.
-Mad. Your voice is like on screen.

Should you need a manager,

our agency
happens to have spare capacity...

This would be
for the German market alone

International Management.
I represent him.

Her!
-Her.

I have to go in there.

To get into the mood.
-Right.

See you at the warm-up.

Great.
No expense spared.

Alexandra.
Will you sit down with the others?

Welcome to the read-through.
I'm Anne, the director's assistant.

You know John, our director,
from auditions.

So, we'll start in a moment.

Our great star, Ms Voss,
has told us she's running late.

Excuse me. A round of applause, please,
for Thomas Henning.

We'll be speaking English on set,
so remember:

Your opinions are welcome,
so if anyone has anything to say,

go ahead and say it.

Alex?

Oh, hello Ms Voss!

Excuse me. Hello.

Hello. Welcome. How lovely.
-Sorry...

No problem...

I know her. I know her.
-Everyone does.

So Alex...
You wanted to...

Anyone got a pen, a biro?

The scene in which I speak...

Oh, exactly. John.

It's a minor...

Despite her background and her faith,

a Jewess falls in love
with a Nazi league leader, Maria.

And vice versa.

That's exciting.

You get me?
There's no way that the leading actress

does only one love scene,
then bang!

I get shot, the Nazis all arrive...
It's old hat!

The point is:

Your social security card
will take a moment.

Okay.

Alexandra, would you come here?

I'm waiting for my social security card.
-Don't worry about that.

I need it or I won't get work elsewhere.

Yes, yes. Come along.
And hurry up about it.

March!

I think you made some very good points.
So Arthur back there

will do a re-write
and you'll stay.

Really?

But I just said that...

Tip-top!
Here's the contract.

Well, what do you say?
Want a regular coffee?

What, how?.

The Yanks are crazy!

They take me for the goddess of love.
But so what? I'm in!

I've got the low-down.
You're shooting for 20 days.

It's too much. Are you nuts?
-You'll like it.

You are not a bad actor.

You and Sarah Voss
are the leading roles.

Forget Thomas Henning!
-I can do 2 days, not 20!

Those Yanks wanted to give me
a set price but I said no way.

Every single day must be paid for!

That's management!
-It's impossible.

Take it easy.
-I slept with the lead actress!

I slept with the lead actress!

Just now?. Is that what goes on in there?
-No. Yesterday.

I'd never heard of Sarah Voss.
-Or George Clooney, the pope or Coke.

Alexandra, come for your
make up and your costume.

One moment. I... yes.
Fuck. What do I do now?.

Break your contract, pay the 50 million.
-Shit. Is that the fine?

What did you think?
A slap on the wrist?

Alexander, make up, costume!

And, as you're leading cast,
you're invited to the Gala tonight.

Okay?
-Thanks but...

Sure thing. We'd be glad to come.
It's an important event.

We want four tickets.
-I've got one.

We're coming.
Thanks.

I'll see what I can do.

I don't want to go there.
I don't want to.

Listen up, Bro.

You just do what they tell you.

Think of our bank account.
These are the Yanks!

They don't hang about.
They started a war in Iraq.

Off with the clothes, love.
-What do I take off?

The lot?
-Yes, the lot.

Now?.
-Rubbeldiekatz! We'll turn our backs.

Have you got a cabin?
I'm ticklish.

Thank you.
-That will do.

My God!

She's cute.

It felt great.

Well?
-Holy moley! More corns than a corn dog!

Football...
-Come here.

Go! Lord, did you take
a potato-peeler to them...

or what?
Oh, anyway...

Well... great. A little sexy, but...

ladylike, too. Wow.

Yes. The Nazis were good
at haircuts and knitwear.

The tailoring was emancipated...

Sugar!

Come, come!
This is for you this evening.

That's your colour.

Nude.
-What?

Nude: skin.
All right. This is for you.

These are fit for the red carpet.

Nipples. You'll drive the men crazy.
20 percent more attention guaranteed.

Look. It's this way up.

Upwards 23, downwards 53
years old.

23, 53. Get it?

So... that's the one.
All right.

Park it, son.
-We don't do that.

Then it's staying there.

What's that tent you're wearing?

It's no tent.

This dress is by Guido-Maria-Kretschmer.
Most women would kill for it.

What's with the colour?
Skin-colour or what?

It's nude you idiot.
It's in nowadays.

You wear something skin-like
over your skin?

That's fashion.
What?

They're squinting.
-What? Oh God!

Fix them.
-No.

Fix them for me.
-I'm not touching you there!

Do it!
-All right, all right!

Good girl.
Don't let anyone see.

Got it.
-About time!

We're expected.

Well, fuck it.

Wicked, prawns!

Where's the booze?
Oh, excuse me.

Oh, sweet.

It'll last longer...
Thanks.

Germany... the unemployed.

It's just too real.

Opposite my house in Hollywood

there's this bum with the best breasts

I have ever seen.

The American dream. Great!

Hey, Alex.
This here is David,

a friend of mine from New York.

David is doing a reading
in the Jewish community.

Yes.

So you play the head of the League?
-Yes.

I'm from Berlin, too.

My parents are from New York.

My grandparents didn't make it.

I'm so sorry.

Say, you got a boyfriend?

What?
-Hey, maybe we can go eat together.

Maybe you'll come
to my reading next week.

Sure thing...

I know, they squint.

So what?

Just look at her!
What a cheap slag!

Look at that Alex, and you know...

Excuse me.
I have to compliment you.

May I introduce myself?
Honk International Management.

Should you be interested.

Honk:
He's One Notorious Knave.

Thanks, anyway.

Who is this Alex, anyway?
-No one knows.

Why not?
-Hey...

We can't accept visitors...

They took that troll instead of me!
-Yanks!

She may be a bit austere,

but, unlike you, she can act.

And she's no empty, heartless blonde.

You take that back right now.

I'll do nothing of the sort, you twit.
I'm giving it to you straight.

Jürgen!
-You okay?

Who's that?
-My brothers.

Hey!
-Them?

All right! You're tough,
when you're in a group, huh?

Come and get a load of this.

Here we go.

That was not the time and place.

Thanks, Brother Judas!

She's a good woman.
-A devil-woman.

How is she in bed?

Does she scream Oh, God
when she comes?

Mind your business.

What? Just cause she's famous or what?

Why did a woman of her class
demean herself by having sex with you?

She was rated 17th sexiest woman alive
last year.

They offered her about a million
for a nude shoot.

And you had it all for free.
-An hour long.

I jerk off to 1 to 35 all year long,

when there's a new poll,
I start all over.

What, you jerked off over Sarah?
-Yes.

You stop that.
-You can't make me.

Please.
-A whole hour?

If she got her tits done,
she'd get two million

and come in at number ten.

Well, twelve...
-That's enough.

I introduce this nice girl to you,
and you just think smutty thoughts!

Who's the smutty one, huh?
You did all the stuff.

We're just talking. Like always.
-Right. We always speak openly.

Honestly,
if she ever did a nude shoot,

then, as a man,
I'd be bound to...

rejoice.
-Rejoice.

You're reducing a woman to a body.
Right?

Right.
-Right.

Did you not notice she has a brain
and other qualities?

That's not the issue.

An hour! Like hell.

My ideal in this world,
its hero so bold

is a man both great and blond

He comes from a fairy-tale land,
gives me his strong hand

that can break me
like snapping a twig...

No great idea will ever perish

due to a couple of snow flakes.

In your hearts

the passion and fervour

of the German fairy-tale glow hot.

Breeding in keeping with type

has the advantage

of preventing the intermingling
of characteristics...

The Aryan woman will always remain

the ideal!

But...

But...
A German woman

is not to be judged
by her racial qualities alone.

Empty, heartless blondes

are of no value to us.

Are we ready for the next shoot or what?

No retouches here.

Hurry up.

His name's Waldemar,

He is not a star
His home is in Berlin

And I'm in love with him

The boy's the very contrary
of my ideal

I do not know what I'm about
and I accept the deal

Make her pregnant.

I can't do it up.
-Here.

Twins are too much.
Leave it to me.

Sugar,
go and get Hannah changed over there.

We need a bit of privacy.
All of you!

A bit of privacy, if you please!

Have you had the operation?

Take more hormones.

You're wonderful, love.
I'm not easily shocked, you know?.

Come here.
Are the operations over?

What? Not yet.

I am a man.
I need the work.

I need the work.
-We all have our secrets.

I'm as silent as the grave.

So on we go, Fräulein!

Children, that's enough.
There's a war on!

Once more
and I'll break your arms.

All right.

Ready.

Thomas, can we...

Can we run through our lines?

His name is Waldemar, his hair is dark

He's neither proud nor brave
but I'm in love with him

Waldemar, he's a barbarian...

WITH THE FÜHRER TO VICTORY!

... MEET YOU... THURSDAY...
I YEARN FOR YOU... RAHEL

You smell good.
It reminds me of something.

Alex...

Alex, your face is too red.

It's not good on screen.
John wants you to stop with it.

Mind if I French you?

Sorry?
-French kiss.

Well...

Are you insane? Stop!

Didn't they say I strip you now?.

Just to the waist.
-I won't do it.

No way.
-Alex, stop the dramatics.

Your contract doesn't say that.

Alexandra, you're holding us up.

Pipe down.
This is about art,

and you're only
the assistant director. Okay,

I'll do it. Anne, thank you.
We'll reverse the roles.

Okay, then
we'll reverse the roles.

Relax.
Imagine a beautiful male chest.

Hey, are you still wearing the tits?

Yes, why?
-Don't you find that weird?

No. Why?
-What's that in your hair?

A hairband.
Sarah gave it to me.

Wonderful, but take it and the tits off.

You have to separate acting
from family life.

It's unprofessional.
-No. I'm getting into character.

Method acting.
This is cinema, not TV.

Seriously, now.

It bothers me, too.
Those things down there

and your ugly face up there.
-I really like the feel of it.

He likes the feel of it.

You've no idea about women.

I've plenty.
-All right, then:

Where is the G-spot?
You don't know.

I do.
-Where, then? -Up top.

Where?
-In the...

Here.
What's it called?

The finger.
-The what?

Women have three sensitive zones.
The G-spot is just number two.

Are you counting the breasts
individually?

No!
-So where is the G-spot, then?

Listen up. It's about five centimetres
from the entrance,

on the abdominal wall side,
behind the pubis.

Can you stop with the women's stuff.

I'm getting confused here.

It's like a gearbox.

Here. As promised.

Great. Broken Brain.

Sit.

Sarah!
Sarah!

Hey.
-Alex, I have a question for you.

I've got a hen evening tonight.

My sister's. In Hamburg.

But I don't know her friends.
Want to come along?

Tonight?
-Yes.

Or I could ask Thomas.

I'm coming.
It's a woman's thing. Thomas!

Yes, you're right.

Great.
-Great.

Yes.

What does it cost?

398 euros.

398 euros!

It's a designer item, unique.

Who's the whore-jacket for?

The problem with fashion

is that you can't hide the face.

It's not for everyone.

Maike...

Nice to see you. You're looking good.
-Rubbish.

Buying her something nice, are we?

Who is she, the lucky thing?

She is...
It's for you.

For your birthday.
-When is my birthday?

In spring.
-No. Wrong.

In summer.
-In autumn.

Idiot.

Know what?
I don't even care

who the cat-fur is for!
Or about anything else.

I'm leaving you.

We're not a couple.
-That's irrelevant.

I can leave you when I want to.

So, what about the jacket?

To buy or not to buy?
-Kiss my ass.

398 euros? I'll take it.

Welcome, Miss Alexandra...
-Honk.

Welcome.

Wow, you look wonderful.

Ready for the bash of the year?
-Sure.

It's time to party!

Wicked you're here, Sis.
-I can't believe you're getting married!

You're so young.
-Young? I don't want to work at 30!

Know how much he earns?
Sure I love him, too.

Stop, you're under arrest.

For dull behaviour.
Kiss, now.

All right, come here Jasmina.

Girls! One, two...

three...
Surf's up!

Hey party-pooper,

show us them!
-Me?

Boring!

We want to see some tits!
We want to see some tits!

We want to see, want to see,
want to see some tits!

Sarah, come on, join in the fun!

Stop.
-We'll put it on YouTube.

One, two, three...
Surf's up!

That's enough. Really.
Pull yourself together.

My God. Sarah, come on!
You should, too.

Come on. Bye.
-She'll be right back.

Yes. My sister.

She's sorry, says she hopes
we have fun and aren't angry.

Full of character, your sister.

Yes. She's a lot wilder than me.

I'm just no use in bed.

You are, you're wonderful in bed.
Say cheers.

Yes, cheers.
-Cheers.

Cheers.

You know how it is
when a deer runs in front of your car

and just stands there frozen?

Yes. I do.

That's me when it comes to sex.
I mean...

I know I tend to be a bit prudish,

but when it kicks off,
I really want to act wild.

Like her.

Tell me, though...

can you imagine Bambi having sex?

Yes. Absolutely. Sure.

Bambi really has it.
-Alex... what?

Bambi really has it.
-You say that because you're a woman.

Men...
They want other things.

Don't worry.
You be Bambi, I'll do the rest.

What?
-No...

Yes...

Sarah, listen, you are sexy.

You are sexy.

Sexy.
-You're so sweet.

So are you.

And what about you?

Do you have a boyfriend?
-No, I've got my brothers.

What?
-Oh, right...

No, I had one but I left him.

Same here. Just before the shoot.

We had no daily routine anymore.
-Hello.

Hey, nobody likes routine.

It was a jet-set love
that broke up in the clouds.

Another two.
-Yes. Cheers.

Cheers.

And you haven't had another man since?

Not one?
-I did.

One.

And it was...
-Yes?

It was like, wow!

Yes?
-Yes. But...

It was too intense for me.

But intense is great, right?

But I get so mean.

I want to be the first one to be mean.

So as to beat him to it.

Who cares? He hasn't contacted me.

But how could he?
-He'd find a way if he wanted to.

The next morning I just ran.
It was awkward.

You know what?
You're chicken.

You're chicken,
but the man...

is chicken, too.

Maybe you can't fall in love.
-Are you nuts? Course I can.

Well, then you have to take some risks,
open up your door.

Or you can forget it.

I'm always open to love.

What makes you like a man?

Parking skills.
-What?

When a man parks,
you know, he leans back,

holds the wheel with one hand,

you see only his arms
as he eyes the parking spot,

but then he watches you
whilst parking with one smooth motion.

That I find sexy.

Alex, I need a man with a plan.

I understand that.
-What makes you fall in love?

Your health.

If someone surprises me.
-I'm the same.

Really?
-It's like with a good song.

You think you can whistle along
but the tune takes a different turn.

Right?
-Yes. -It's like...

when you inspire each other
and dream together.

I see what you mean...
an elephant.

A pink one.

Shitty door...

It's broken.

Even a black Amex can't open that.

But the room card might.

Damn.

I lost it down town.

It's no big deal.

Open the door.
You must have a key. Right?

Well?

Fuck. Shit.

Stop staring, idiots.

Can you let us in on what you're up to?
-Parking.

Why?
-Why? Why! Sarah finds it sexy.

He can't park at all.
-You're in love, after all?

Wait up.

Don't say you're in love!
-Could be.

I mean, after all, it's only a feeling.

Right?
-What, you're not meeting her, are you?

Yes, I am!

She won't know.
I'll be a man!

She'll suss it!
You just stay right here, all right?

As a man you avoid her, okay?

Think of our account.

Morning.
-Where are you going?

I have to see Ms Voss.

No one is expected.
-I just want to park.

What?
-You won't get it, but its important.

No.
-Between those two cars. -No.

In that space. For a second.
-No chance.

Sarah!

Too bad.

Sar-ah, you look so dolled up.

I just felt like it.
-But you're always cold.

God! Is it so obvious?

Excuse me, could you bring us tea.

Sure.
-Yes?

It's just the beginning, but I think

I'm in love.

In love?

Yes!

I don't know how it happened so fast,
but after our lovely evening

I really felt in the mood for love.

And then I met Thomas,

and he smiled at me,

and everything we spoke of
ran through my mind,

so I opened up my door,
well, his door,

and we were at his...

Hang on...
you were in Thomas' room last night?

So what?
-That's going at it pretty fast!

But it was lovely, and listen:

Bambi really had it.
-No!

No!
-And you know what?

Thomas cares for Mallorcan street dogs.

I find this great.

I love dogs.

So what? So do I.
It's nothing special.

But you don't know Thomas at all!

Thomas may be a psychopathic
lady-killer.

Or worse.

Sarah, he plays a guy
from the Waffen SS!

And they killed millions of people.
-Yes.

But Thomas didn't.
-Then he acts well.

What's eating you, Alex?

What's up?
You're my friend. Why aren't you happy?

I am.
Sorry.

I am happy for you.

Yes?

I wanted to thank you.
I only dared because of you.

My pleasure.

Maybe you'll fall in love again soon.
-No.

Thank you.
-Yesterday you go telling me

you're always ready for love,
and now you've changed your mind?

Well?

You're just scared, too.

Come here.

Come here, let me give you a hug.
Alex...

You're such a great woman.

I'm so glad we've made friends.

But...

Must run.
I've got to go through my lines.

Oh shit!

What a fool am I!

Alex!

My Fräulein.

Chocolate cake?

Do you know about John's new
film project, Vampire Killer Babies.

No.
-It's about five lesbian vampires

who love fast cars.
They get murdered

but then take revenge. It's the biggest,
most expensive trilogy of all times.

A-ha?
-John wants you for one of the roles.

Really?

What?

My God, you slut!

You're making out with a woman
whilst I defend the fatherland!

That's repulsive.
-A woman's weapon isn't a ladle!

What do you know of the lust for life?

No SS officer
would take that from a woman!

Sarah, he thinks like an SS officer.

Don't you talk to me like that!

Thomas!
-You're a woman beater.

Go on, hit me in front of everyone,
why don't you?

Stop!
-Leave the woman in peace.

That's an order.

What's with you all?
Are you nuts?

Are you all right?
-I told you what Thomas is.

A swine.

How are you?
-Fine.

I think our nerves are shot.

After the farewell party
I'll fly to Mallorca. You know?.

There are beautiful parts to Germany
but a break is good, too.

So, what's on? Fusilli!

Yes.
-Just not too spicy.

Of course.

I wanted to apologise.

I got a bit carried away.

Let's have a drink together later.
-Yes.

Great idea.
-And chat a bit.

We'll exchange numbers.

Fine. Tonight.

What they say about Hitler

isn't necessarily true.

This is a rose.

Thanks.
-Vodka for the ladies?

Gladly.
-Jörg is really nice.

To a great evening.
Let the cards fall where they may.

Excuse me!

It's fine!

I drink too much, too.

It's the third film in a row
where I play Hitler.

The third.
It's madness.

The moustache bugs me.
People act weird.

They keep me at a distance.

Turkish gangs try it on with me
in the trams.

I had to go for a drink with
neo-Nazis. Cheers, eh?

I once turned down the role of Hitler.

Sure it's her.
That's the cat-fur Alex gave her.

Romantic.

Sorry, I'm getting butterflies.
-Alex, can I help you?

Another vodka?
-Yes. -Another round.

My God!

What a slut!

Wearing Alex's jacket
and making out with someone else.

He looked like what's-his-name,
the politician with the moustache.

Forget it.
You already said he's a loser.

Think I need this?

Having a wannabe actor
trample all over me!

And now he's screwing a fat trollop
who looks like a pregnant guinea pig.

And she's got these inflatable lips,
too.

Do you think they're real?
-No way!

She looks like a duck.
-And the terrible jacket.

It looks real porno.

You think?
And I thought I was judgemental.

With women who act so cheap
it's obvious what they are.

You can do better than him.

He will die ugly and lonely.

He's already sorry now,

and once he sees what a slut she is,

he'll come crawling back to you
on his knees.

Okay, girls. Let's split.

It's a shithole here, anyway.

You've got something there.

Feeling better? I'm doing great.

Yes, I'm fine.
-Should I take you home?

What? No! No!
-Tell Alex your romantic story.

Please.
-Oh, well...

It was when
I was doing non-military service.

She spoke no German, I no Italian.

It was a moment:

The moon. The sea.

Palermo.
The two of us in this run-down hotel.

We understood each other without a word.

Like two dancers bound by magic.

All I could say was ti amo.
I love you.

That's incredibly beautiful.
-Yes, well...

As I left... I saw her beautiful face
in the moonlight.

I wanted to live with her.

She sounds great:

No frivolous chat,

doesn't mind cheap hotels...

Wonderful, Thomas.

You don't understand.
-What was her name again?

Search me.

We understood each other
without small talk.

If you wanted to live with her,

her name might have been handy.

The next day you did chat together
over breakfast, right?

No. She was asleep as I left.

What? You left during the night?
-Yes, I just said so, didn't I?

So she woke up all alone.

Very romantic, Thomas.

And then she paid for the room.

Real romance, yes.

She wanted it that way.
-Course she did!

How would you know?.
You can't speak Italian!

I presume she didn't think
we were engaged.

You presume!
She hadn't understood you!

Alex, I need a cigarette.

Well...

I'm certainly ready to marry again.

That's incredibly sad, your story.

I can hardly imagine
how I would have felt.

I'd have wanted a cosy breakfast.

And to at least exchange names.

Yes. That's love.
Knowing what your partner's name is,

and having an egg together
for breakfast.

That's what life is.
That's how things are.

This is terrible.
Really, really terrible.

Thanks, Alex.
-Pleasure.

You just wanted anal sex.

Sorry?
-Yes. Be sorry.

Wild sex used to be enough,
now they all want more.

Or it's you who's the prude.

But listen here, chum.
I don't just put out for anyone!

And who's asking, anyway?

You've no idea at all.

He talks rubbish.

Shall we move on?
The Hugo Boss party?

Jörg, my mind's so full of thoughts.

Can I sleep over at yours?
-Sure.

Not at yours. Or yours!

Alex, I don't feel good.

Can I sleep at yours?
-Sure, sweetie.

Come on.
-One moment.

Okay?

Who's paying?

What a stupid story! Palermo!

Let me tell you something, Alex.

I'm a new woman thanks to you.

A new...

and strong woman
who knows what life's about.

You fell!
-No, no.

I can manage on my own.

Right now...
it's important.

Okay.
Then I'll just go and open the door.

Keys are in the handbag.

You forgot your rose.

Jörg! Are you...
-Alexandra...

The way you grabbed me!

You're so passionate.

Alexandra, you're such a strong woman.

Alexandra...

Basti...
-Did you pick him up...

Well?
-Is he your boyfriend?

Yes.

I did nothing, I swear it.

Oh, fuck!

Hello.

I'm sleeping over at yours.

Feeling better?
I'll be on the sofa.

Sorry I puked out there.

Forget it.
Jan does it all the time.

Stay with me.
I don't want to sleep alone.

You've got great feet.

Impressively large.

I could get used to seeing them.

That could be arranged.

You must visit me in America.
Bring your brothers, too.

I'm off soon.

What?
-Well...

After the last day of shooting.

You have to come and visit.

I'll miss you very much.

Oh, God. Vodka isn't my drink.

Sarah...

Listen, I can't come and visit you.

Because I'm actually a man.
A man.

Not a woman.

Sarah?

I'll miss you badly, too.

I loved you but now I must go.

No. I need you so.

Don't leave me, please.
-You can't come where I am going.

I'm so cold, I can't feel my legs.

You have to be happy, poppy.
You've earned it.

Yes?
-Our time together was so brief, but...

... we were happy.

Remember our love.

Our love was doomed to fail.

You stupid cow!

Shut your bloody gob!

You did great.

It was really moving.

Where did it all come from?

It's all technique.
-Are you crying?

No, of course I'm not.

15 minutes to set up.
Starting... now!

What are you doing there...
-Shit.

... with the poor onions. Unbelievable!

The Yank won't be able to say Jürgen.
What do you think of Jeremy Hawk?

Cool!
-Well...

Sebastian. Sebastian.

Put the doll in your room.

Where's Sugar?

Take it all off!
Don't just stand there...

staring like that!
It's all full of blood.

Lord, yuck!

Where's her clean dress?
-In the warehouse.

Does anyone here
take care of anything at all?

This sucks! Wait here, sweetie.
-Okay.

I want a word with you.
Stop your Alexis-Colby style scheming!

Sarah finished with me.
I want to know why.

Palermo, get lost or I scream.
-No. We're talking this out,

man to...

But that's a...
-No.

It is!

Thomas,
it's complex, I can't explain right now.

I'm asking you, as a man, please...

Alex?

I'm begging you,
I'll do anything.

Come on...

Alex, are you okay?

Yes, yes.

I've been lying to myself
about you and me.

What?

When I see you
I think to myself

you're my best friend,

you're honest, funny,
the most beautiful woman I know.

Please don't laugh at me, now.
This is new to me.

I mean, nowadays
it's irrelevant, anyway. Things are...

Men, women,
it's all so opaque, so modern.

When you kissed me
I should have known at once

something was up.

Alex, let us try it.
Kiss me.

Sleep with me.
-Stop there.

Alex, take a risk.
-Stop right there.

What's so funny?
-Shut up!

Me?
-No!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

It's not what you think!

Okay?
-Stop it.

Not like that!
Oh my God!

Not the face. Anything but!

Come here!

Come!

Stop!

I always have bad luck with women.

There will be consequences.

You!

Yes.

That's an exaggeration.

Mr Honk,
with this document you undertake

to remain silent
about your role in the film.

Alexandra Honk, your creation,
will vanish forever,

never again to be mentioned
in conjunction with this production.

Hand over your wig.

Sign this. The bodyguards
will escort you off the premises

as a man.

The slightest failing to observe
the conditions of the contract

will result in a fine
of fifty million dollars.

I expect you won't let that happen.

Where would I get fifty million from?
-That solves that.

I'll just read this.

All right, all right. Fine.

Happy now?.

Really...

Know what? You may make films
for 50 mil, 150 mil, in 3D, whatever,

yet you can't even tell real tits
from fake ones.

That's your problem.

Come!

Hey, Sis!
-It's us!

Ralf, come on.
-Hey!

Hello there.

Hey, wow...

You live here?

This is just for the shoot.
She lives in her suite in a hotel, hon.

My God!

What's wrong?

Are you unwell?
-I'm better now you're here, but...

There's a double bed...

DVD, too, shower...

I'll tell you later.
-Basin...

I'll get it.
-Yes!

Oh, no!
I didn't recognise you like that.

This is Thomas Henning.

Henning, Thomas Henning.

Are you okay?
-Mostly.

Let's do a photo.
-Sit down with Thomas in the middle.

A photo. Since we're here.

Carlotta.
-Carlotta what?

That was that girl's name.
Back in Palermo.

You just made that up.

But I'm not as superficial as you think.
-Smile.

Super.

He wants to come along. He likes travel.

I'm freezing my tits off.
I couldn't live here anymore.

My feet are like ice cubes.
Moonboots?

Annegret, hi! It's me, Alex.
-Who?

Female Alex.
-You!

The reason I had to cancel all press!
-Where is she? Inside?

No. Up. Very high. In a plane.
And in five hours,

she'll be in L.A. where she belongs, and
will have forgotten your miserable self.

She doesn't belong there.
-Beep-beep-beep.

That was the end of our conversation.

Get lost before the stress
makes my belly ache worse.

Don't you dare.

Don't speak to her.

Sarah, I know I shouldn't be here.

And I can't explain.

I have to tell you one thing.
Sarah, I've fallen in love with you.

This door is closed.

Too bad.

Shit is what it is!

We've girlified your room, cooked the
pinkel, and bought you a cocktail dress,

and you ruin it all.
It's totally unprofessional.

Unprofessional?
-I wanted to meet John.

Thomas betrayed me.
-Rubbish, you blew it!

No, it was your idol, Thomas.

You see how loyal actors are?
They begrudge each other everything!

The motor trade's the same.
It's as if money were all that mattered.

Money is what matters!

God almighty.

The Americans transferred 25 percent.
-And that's the lot.

And Sarah's gone.

What's that?

A dog.
-Oh.

Okay. What's he doing here?
-He lives here now.

Or should he rent his own flat?

Alex, mind sleeping in my room tonight?

I'd like to sleep here tonight.

It's lovely and soft.

Come on.

It always makes me sad.

Me, too.

Maybe we'll walk the dog elsewhere.

Hup!
Come over here.

What's this?
-It was the dog.

Our dog can now use scissors
and cut neat corners?

He bit it out that way.

Did he? Four right angles?

He's very talented.

Don't bullshit me. What was there?
-Ads.

On the front page?

Shit. I can't lie to him.

Give him the rag.

New Film, New Love?
St Peter-Ording.

Sarah Voss and Thomas Henning
shoot their second film

on the cosy dunes
that melt lovers' hearts.

Are the celebs soon to be a couple?
Shit!

St Peter-Ording is on the coast...

The North Sea.
-Know what?

It's round the corner. I'm off.
-Right now?.

We'll come along.
-What?

One for all,
all for one.

We're not the stupid musketeers!

Jürgen, shut it.
This is about love!

Fine.
Rubbeldiekatz, we'll go!

Why does the dog always sit up front?

Cause he always pukes in the back.

Good that I checked the van over.
It's purring like a cat.

140, we're doing 140.

We burned him off.

So where's the sodding sea?

You checked the van, yeah?

It's a high-mortality part. It happens.

Hey. There she is!

That spot there?
-That's her stance. Sarah!

Sarah!

I'm together with Maike now, by the way.

No! No!

Don't kiss.
Sarah, don't do it.

Don't kiss. Okay.

Listen before you do it.

If you want to kiss this fool now,

you've no idea about men.
-Man, you stick like glue.

Shut it, Palermo, all right.
-Cool it.

I will now kiss Thomas.
-Why?

Cause it's in the script.

Holy shit!

Get this dickhead off my set!

Sarah, I love you.

I miss you so.

Permanently.

I want a real relationship with you,

to live with you,

to eat boiled eggs with you...
and finally have breakfast with you.

I now know what it's like

to miss someone
who's still there.

Sarah, dear, I'll be in the trailer.

She's coming...

Stay cool, stay cool.
-Oh!

Hey, are you crazy?

Coming here with all your brothers
and making a scene?

Yes, I mean you lot!
-He just wanted to express his feelings.

So I should forgive you, then?

I...
-No, mate. I'm doing the talking.

How did you imagine it?
-What?

Your pretty fantasy
with the eggs and so on.

You do your light theatre performances,
then come to L.A. every two weeks?

Or where do you want
your eggs done?

A plan is what it takes.

I know, but...
-You never have a plan.

Yes.
So how did you imagine it?

I don't know, but that's the point:

That there are surprises in love.

Like in a good song.
You can't plan love.

There you are.
We all want to go to Entrecôte.

The food's great.

Alex, eh!

A good guy,
but a stranger to reality.

Yes, he's nuts.

I understand you so well.

I hate being surprised like that

and being ordered to be happy

like at a stupid
surprise birthday party.

What did he think?
You'd go and move in with him

and his stupid brothers?

Listen,

we're so similar, the two of us.

We're far more sensitive
than normal people.

Only not for long periods.
But you know that now, too, right?

It's cold. Shall we go?

I've got to go.

So... here we are.

Home again.

Easy, now.

You can have plenty of others.

I understand you.

Time heals all wounds.

That may be.

But things aren't the same.

I can't forget her and you can't help me.

Will you marry me?

I'm taken aback.
-Then I have reason to hope?

I fear not, no.

I have another wife.

Another wife?

I am another's wife!

We have no future.

I am a woman with a past.

But continue to have faith in love.

Lovely to see you again.

Thank you.
-And you were right again.

My husband is out of hospital.

Great. Are you well, then?
-Very.

You were wonderful. The play
had never moved me this much before.

That's thanks to you.
-Thank you.

For Wilma.
-Wilma, okay.

For Wilma...

Can I get a signature, too?

For Sarah.

May I kiss you, too.

It's not really done.

Yes, well, but...

that's the point.
Even real cowards understand that.

Where is he?
He should be here by now.

Maybe he's gone boozing because...
-Why?

I'm hungry, I'll take two.

She's back!
-Sarah...

would like to barbeque with us.

Right?
-Yes. -Come on, then.

We've got sausages, stir fry,

and tofu bangers.
-Something for all palates.

Wow...

he's huge, whose is he?

Yours, if you'd like.

I didn't think he'd grow this much,
but...

he's yours.
-What's he called, then?

Honk!

Miss Voss, Rubbeldiekatz
was the first female at the Honk's,

and you are the second.
Welcome.

Thanks.
-Cheers!

Cheers!

Miss Voss, I still have
a picture of you. Maybe you'll sign it.

Yes, of course.