Roy Wood Jr.: No One Loves You (2019) - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen, Roy Wood Jr.

If you want more people
to stand for the anthem,

change the song.

That's half the problem right there.

It's just the lyrics to the anthem.

We can stand to any song.
Patriotism is a feeling.

Let's not forget that.
Patriotism ain't no one song.

As long as we stand and agree
that people died for us

to kick it, we can do that to any song.

You can do that to Bruno Mars.

What's more American than Bruno Mars?



They say America is a melting pot.

Well, damn it,
I want to stand to Bruno Mars.

He literally looks like
every race at the same time.

What's better than that?

What's more American than us standing

with a Hawaiian-Mexican-white-
lesbian-Jewish man...

To honor the troops?

Ladies and gentlemen,
we ask that you please rise

as we sing our national anthem,
"24 Karat Magic."

Remove your hats
and put your pinkie rings

to the moon at this time.

You mad about the damn anthem.

Man, please.
Let's be real about the anthem.

First and foremost, the beat is wack.



It don't go hard.

You love America,

but you ain't downloaded the
national anthem to your phone.

If you was at the club

and the DJ started playing
the national anthem,

you'd be like, "What the fuck
is wrong with this DJ?"

You ain't at the DJ booth,

"Hey, man, play some
of that patriotism shit.

That's what I like.
That's the jam."

I understand it's supposed
to honor the country,

but here's the thing
people forget about

the national anthem.
It ain't even an original song.

It ain't original.
It's based off a British song.

It's the exact same
as the British song,

and that's what you want
people to stand up for?

First of all, imagine that.

Imagine whupping another country ass,

getting your freedom, and then
to celebrate your freedom,

you write a freedom song
based on the song

of the country ass you just whupped.

That don't even make no sense,

and now you running around telling

stolen people in a stolen land

that they should stand
for a stolen song?

Come on, bro.
That ain't how the game go.

Plus, just be real
about it, white people.

Y'all came at black folks
the wrong way.

You had bad marketing.

If you wanted black people
to stand for the anthem,

all you had to do was tell us
that it was a remix.

That's all you had to do,
tell us it was a remix.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we ask that you please stand

to the remix of "National Anthem,"

featuring Puff Daddy and the Family

and Francis Scott Key.

Either that or made a dance to it.

Hand over your heart.
Hand over your heart.

Everybody salute the flag.

Like, that... black people
would stand up in a minute.

Man, I love doing the Freedom Slide.

Don't you like the Freedom Slide?

Hell, yeah.
Hand over the heart.

Then you salute.
Then you...

That's how you do that
Freedom Slide, boy.

The anthem ain't even
the most disrespectful thing

happening at a football game.

The most disrespectful thing
is when they bring a troop out,

let us clap for him,
and paint the illusion

that they actually care
about the veterans.

That's the real BS.

Every game they do that, right.

They bring a troop out,
let us clap for him,

but they don't want to talk
about the issues

affecting the troop.

They bring him out.
Ladies and gentlemen,

we'd like to turn
your attention to the field

as we welcome home Lieutenant
Colonel Commander Fifth General

Submarine Driver... he's braver
than your bitch ass.

Clap for this hero.

And we clap, as we should,
but do you ever notice...

Whenever they bring a veteran
out at a football game,

you ever notice we give them
a round of applause.

They give them good seats.

The one thing they never
give them is the microphone.

You can't do that.

Just once, I'd love to see a vet

just snatch the mic
from the PA announcer.

Ladies and gentlemen, this brave hero...

Can we talk about the VA
and the homeless?

Get the fuck... get your ass over.

Now please rise and put
your pinkie rings to the moon,

as we sing Bruno Mars.

Stand for the anthem.

You need to stand
for that goddamn anthem.

That's what they tell you,
right. You need to stand.

Do you know how many people
trying to get

in this country right now?

Here's the thing.
What you're not gonna do

is tell me how to voice
my disapproval with something.

You can't tell nobody how to complain.

That don't make no sense.

This is how you got to think about it.

This is the only way I can try
to explain

and make it make sense.

This is how you got to think about it.

America is basically a restaurant.

America is a restaurant
that sells equality.

That's all it is.
They serve equality,

and some of y'all
had some delicious equality.

It was good.
You had great service.

And some of us need
to speak to a manager.

You telling black people
to stand for the anthem,

that's the same
as walking around Applebee's,

telling people not
to complain about they food.

How you get to dictate
how somebody else

complain about they situation?

You may as well just walk
around Applebee's,

"You need to fucking be happy

"that you even in this Applebee's.

"You know how many people
outside trying to sneak

"in this Applebee's?

We had to build a wall
around this Applebee's."

And I'd be like, "Yo, man,
you need to calm your ass down.

"Get your facts straight.
First off,

"I was at Red Lobster,
minding my business.

Y'all brought us
to Applebee's."

Chicago, how you doing?

That's what's up.

Good to see y'all, man.
Good to see y'all.

Good to kick it in the Chi.
I had to come.

Had to come kick it with y'all, man.

I was in them trenches
with my brother U.S. Floyd,

walking around.
This bother intervenes

with gangs in the fucking city, man.

My brother's right here in the
building, man, U.S. Floyd.

Now, he's dressed like a pimp,
so let's excuse that.

But in the streets on the South Side,

the brother gets respect.
He gets respect.

And what he does
is meaningful work, man.

That changed my whole
perspective of the world.

I saw what he does every day,

walking up to gangbangers
who mad at other gangbangers.

You know how much you got
to care about the world

to go calm down a stranger?

Hey, man, I know
something just happened.

I know you're ready to murder,
but don't murder.

Hey, man, don't murder.
All right? Good job.

I'm gonna turn my back on you now.

That's real.

I don't know what we gonna do
between us and the police.

This shit is getting hard.

Every day,
police might get called on you

while you're trying to get coffee.

Police might get called on you

while you're trying to barbecue.

Police might get called on you

while you're trying to mow the yard,

take a nap, sell some water.
At this point, if you black,

the safest thing you can do every day

is just call the police on yourself.

I mean, the white people
gonna call anyway,

so you may as well take the power back.

Control the narrative.

That's what I'm gonna do every day,

call the police and compliment.

Say something nice about yourself.

Change the perception.

911, what's your emergency?

Ain't no emergency.

It's just a smooth motherfucker
headed to Walgreens.

Just checking in.
Red jacket, white pants.

Don't shoot me!

All units, be advised,
male black, Walgreens.

Respond code

I don't know.
I don't know what

the... I don't know what you do.

Move too slow, you might get shot.

Move too fast, you might get shot.

Don't move, you wasn't obeying
commands, you might get shot.

Yo, at this point, like,
I ain't gonna tell y'all

how to dress every day
so you can feel safe,

but I'm gonna start wearing
a cap and gown everywhere I go

until things cool off
for a little while.

You ain't never felt threatened
by somebody in a cap and gown,

not never.

Cap and gown is like a wedding dress.

You see somebody wearing it,
it make you happy.

It change your mood.
So that's what I'ma do.

Until we get some real police reform,

I'm wearing a cap and gown every day

with a fucking middle school
diploma in my back pocket,

a middle school diploma
and an engagement ring.

It's gonna be the saddest story,

'cause you ain't gonna sweep me
under the rug,

'cause this is what's crazy.
We live in a time now

where if you get shot on the wrong day,

you might not even make it in the news.

They'll sweep your story
all the way to the back page.

Damn that.
I'm gonna be on the front page.

If the police shot
a 40-year-old eighth grader,

I promise you, it's gonna be
a conversation about me.

Y'all better riot for my ass.

And in other news today,

police shot
a 40-year-old eighth grader.

He's survived by his three
ex-wives and six children.

Send a prayer for Mr. Charles.

Pay cops more money.
Money is part of the solution.

It ain't the only solution,
but it's part of it.

Here's the thing.
We love to act

like all these good cops
just gonna all step up

and do the right thing
together. Please.

Most people don't do the right
thing for the right reason.

They do the right thing
for the right price.

It's about the money.
And don't get me wrong.

There's plenty of good cops
out there, man,

but not enough to effect change.

You got to do something to incentivize.

You got to break bread,

and don't tell me you ain't got
the money to pay cops more.

Every time somebody get hit
over the head,

you got to pay a settlement,

so take the money you
would've paid for a settlement

and just put that in the cops' pockets,

and they might care a little more.

At minimum, just set up a snitch fund.

Can we do that?
Okay, don't pay every cop more,

just the cops who snitch
on the other cops.

That's who you pay.

$100,000.
$100,000 per snitch.

You got police departments
paying $200 million,

$300 million a year.

You put $100,000 per snitch...
I promise you,

if you started giving cops $100,000

to snitch on other cops,

they would be arresting each other

at roll call, immediately.

You wouldn't even make it out

the police station in the morning.

Put your hands up, Sanchez.

I saw what you did, Sanchez.

I got to get $100,000.
Shit, I need $200,000.

Arrest me too, Sanchez.
We got to go down.

Put $100,000 on it.

It'll change everything, I promise you.

'Cause you ain't gonna break
through that thin blue line

just off of morals.

Real cops don't snitch on other cops.

Real cops stand tall.

You ever notice all that
brotherhood, fraternity shit?

It's for jobs where you're underpaid

and nobody appreciates you,

so it's cop and schoolteacher
and military.

It's firefighters... it's all these jobs

where you do dope shit,
but no one respects you,

so they've tricked you
into thinking that fraternity

is a substitute for currency,
and it ain't.

Pay them.

Give them some money.

'Cause here's what happens.

You start giving cops
more money to snitch

on each other, it's a good-paying job.

Anybody with a good-paying job knows.

You snitch immediately.

Ain't no brotherhood in a job
that pay you a real wage.

People snitch left and right.

You ever notice doctors
don't stick together?

Doctors snitch on each other
in a heartbeat.

Every year in this country,
somebody get the wrong leg

chopped off, or the doctor
leave a butter knife

inside you, it ain't a bunch of doctors

in the emergency room talking about,

"Real doctors don't snitch
on other doctors."

No. That nigga
chopped off the leg.

Come get his ass.

And she gave him too much anesthesia.

You get over there with the
doctor with your stupid ass.

Shit, if you was giving police
$100,000 per snitch,

I'd become a cop.

For real, I'd be the first millionaire

rookie police officer.

First day, snitching, everybody.

I don't give a damn.
Not only would I snitch,

I'd brag about it.
I'd be a proud snitch.

I'd be in the club,
VIP, bottles, just...

"Yeah, girl. What's up?"

I'd be out there snitching.

What's good, boo?
You good?

I don't give a damn.
It'd be a family tradition.

Find out my son going to college,

I kick in his door.
What's this shit

I hear about you trying
to get an education?

You ain't going to college, boy.

I'm a snitch, your mama's a snitch,

and you gonna be a goddamn snitch.

That's right. You got to make
snitching a tradition.

You got to make it something flashy.

You've got to show people
that doing the right thing

isn't something
to be embarrassed about.

We got to make snitching great again.

That might not be the best slogan.

I'll work on... we'll workshop that.

But in the meantime, we protest.

We do what we can
to effect some change.

We go out, stand tall.

Which I got to say,
thank you, white people.

Thank y'all for showing up
a little more to the protests.

It's been nice these last couple years,

seeing more white folks out there.

You know, 'cause as a black person,

it's nice to see somebody
else cover your shift.

It's a good feeling.
You know what I'm saying?

You be getting ready
to go to the march.

You see all these white people on TV.

I'm like, "Shit, they got this one.

"Stay at the crib.
I don't have to go walk

with all them white people
like that."

Some of y'all over-protest.

Y'all need to scale it back.

You're doing too much at the marches,

and I know why you're over-protesting.

It's 'cause you're determined
to show the world

that you aren't the other people.

I understand that, and that's fine,

but some of the stuff
y'all doing is out of line,

and it's coming back on black people.

It's people showing up to
protest throwing piss balloons.

Yeah, throwing piss balloons at Nazis.

Which is hilarious.
It's funny.

Don't get me wrong.
It's funny to throw some piss,

but it ain't
a solution-oriented activity,

and most people at the march
are out there for solutions.

Once you add piss to the conversation,

the conversation stops.

And don't get me wrong.
I respect you.

I respect your effort,
just scale it back.

You got to respect anybody showing up

to a protest with a bag of piss.

That's dedication.

That's at least three days' planning.

'Cause you throwing piss,

that's not a spur-of-the-moment
projectile.

You've got to drink water
for a couple days.

You've got to buy party supplies.

You need a funnel.
You're eating asparagus.

You're trying to get
everything perfect.

You know, that asparagus set it off.

This is the rule of thumb.

This is the rule of thumb
for protest behavior.

If Dr. King and them
didn't do it in the '60s,

you ain't got to do it now.

Okay, you ain't got
to do all that extra.

And if there's anybody
that would've been justified

in throwing piss,

it's them civil rights soldiers
from back in the day

'cause they was the ones
getting done way dirtier

than most protests now.

They was getting bit by dogs,

chased home, house burned, fire hose.

I'm shocked Dr. King didn't
turn to Ralph Abernathy.

Give me one of them
piss balloons, Abernathy.

We got to throw them at the oppressors.

Give me another piss balloon.

You can over-protest.

They had a ten-day march
not too long ago.

A ten-day march.

It's too long.

A week and a half of just walking.

Just walking for a week and a half

and they called me
thinking I'ma roll with the...

Hey, man,
we're gonna go down to D.C.

We're marching for ten days
from Virginia.

Can we count on you?

I said, "No, you cannot.
You cannot count on me."

I'm not marching nowhere
for no ten days.

I'll click the link.
I'll donate some money.

You can go march on my behalf.

I'm not walking nowhere
for no ten damn days,

and what make you think
any black person

got ten vacation days to burn

just walking?

We ain't got no ten days,
not even for freedom.

We ain't got ten days.

Look at the civil rights movement.

Most of the key moments you can name

in the civil rights movement,

most of them was three days or less.

Get in, get out,
keep your job on Monday.

Selma to Montgomery, that was two days.

Dr. King's "I Have a Dream"
speech, the iconic

"I Have a Dream" speech was one day.

It wasn't no weeklong extravaganza.

I know you see the picture.

You see all these
black people marching.

It was one day.
He didn't even do two shows.

He did a matinee and was out.

Get in, get out.
I have a dream.

The mountaintops, one day
we gonna get to the... all right,

I got to roll.
Let's get it, Abernathy.

Secure the bag, Abernathy.

Give me one more of them piss balloons.

Oh, man.

These protests though.

You want to do something
really meaningful?

Go to a protest that has nothing to do

with you personally.

That's what we're seeing more of.

I did that for the first time.
I did that for the first time.

I went to a Muslim ban protest,
man, banning the Muslims.

This is what they don't
tell you when you go

to a protest that ain't got
shit to so with you.

You can just leave whenever you want.

I never knew that was an option

because I only go to black
pro... I'm from Birmingham.

All we do is go to black protests,

and when you're at
a black protest, you there.

There's no leaving.

You think black church long,
go to a black protest.

Better pack a snack and a diaper.

Ain't no sneaking off.
I just left the Muslim ban.

They waved.
See you later. Thank you.

I tried to tiptoe away
from a black protest.

I got two steps away from the group.

They said, "Where you going, brother?

The struggle is this way."

My bad, fam.
That's on me.

I thought we was gonna make that left.

We're making a... okay,
the struggle's... okay,

let's go this way.
Okay.

You got to respect anybody

that's at somebody else's protest.

You see a lot of that
with black folks, man.

Black women, man. Black women
just be supporting folks, bro.

It's amazing.

I tell you right now, you see
a black woman at your march,

get them a hug and $20
and cover they Uber ride home.

Uber Black.

'Cause black people
would be perfectly justified

in not showing up
to anybody else's march.

We ain't got to show up to your shit.

If you'd have listened to us,
you wouldn't even be marching

'cause it happened to us first.

Half the stuff
you marching about happened

to black people first.
We was trying to tell you.

You see a black person at a march

that doesn't have anything
to do with them,

that is a gracious, giving soul

because black people
would be perfectly justified

in only tending to issues
affecting the black community.

We could fill our calendar
just walking for black issues,

from crime to poverty
to unemployment to home loans.

Like, we ain't got the time,
man, to be helping everybody,

so when people make the time,
that's a blessing.

Why you think black superheroes

only save black people?

They're busy.

They ain't got the time
to save the rest of the world.

That's a luxury that only
white superheroes have.

My neighborhood's great.

What else is going
on out here in the world?

Black superheroes got
to focus on they block.

I watched "Luke Cage."
"Luke Cage" is my show.

Love Luke Cage.
Luke Cage.

If you don't know nothing
about comic books

and superheroes "Luke Cage"
is this TV show

about an indestructible black man.

The brother is bulletproof,
super strength.

He'll throw a truck
at you like a football.

You would think with his résumé,

he would be somewhere with Iron Man

trying to save the universe.

This motherfucker never leaves Harlem.

He ain't got the time.

Whole TV show, eight blocks.
That's all it is.

Luke Cage ain't got time
to be saving everybody.

He ain't even got time
to go to Hell's Kitchen

to help Daredevil.

That's how busy Luke Cage is.

Can't even take the 1 line.

Luke Cage don't care
about the rest of the world.

Luke Cage is like,

"Look, until Thanos come
by the Apollo Theater,

"that ain't none of my business.

Sweet Christmas."

It's not that black people
don't care about

what you're going through.
I promise you, we care.

It's just some of us
don't have the time.

Shit, black people folks
ain't even got the strength

to help other black people.

Black Panther didn't even have time

to help the rest of Africa.

That's how busy he was.

All them powers, all them
weapons, you're telling me

Black Panther couldn't
swing by South Africa

and free Mandela real quick?

He didn't have the time.

He was only worried about Wakanda.

That's what half the movie was about.

Half the movie "Black Panther"
was about him using his powers

to help the rest of the world.

He had to get his ass
whupped by his cousin

before he would even consider it.

The whole movie, Black Panther,

"Brother, we cannot concern ourselves

"with the rest of the world.

"Wakanda is what...

"I have reconsidered my position.

"Now, if you'll excuse me,

I will go drink more of
my magical grape soda."

It's not that we don't care.

We don't have the time.

Why you think you don't see
Samuel L. Jackson

in half these Avengers movies?

Motherfucker busy.
You ever notice that?

Half of these Avenger movies,
Samuel L. Jackson

will be in the movie half the time.

Sam Jackson appears
at the very end of the movie.

All this shit done went
on the whole movie,

and then here comes Samuel L.
Jackson at the very end.

Good job, motherfuckers.

You did it.
Here's your next mission.

It's a god from another universe

that can destroy the world
with the snap of a finger.

Good luck with that.
I got to go to a protest.

Police just shot
a 40-year-old eighth grader.

We got boycotts now,
boycotts left and right.

Boycott, boycott, boycott.

You mess around and don't get
on the Internet one day,

you missed the new boycott,
and then people attack you.

They attack you for something

you just honestly
didn't know nothing about

'cause you hadn't been
on the Internet today.

That's how I found out
about the chicken sandwich

and the gay marriage.

That's how I found out
about that, on the sidewalk.

You know, I'm on the sidewalk.
I'm chilling.

Didn't know that there was an issue

with the gay marriage
and I'm just sitting there,

eating my Christian chicken sandwich.

Delicious.

I'm eating my Christian
chicken sandwich,

and two gay men walk by,
and they just look at me,

look at the sandwich,
and one of them goes,

"No," and just walked.

And that pissed me off

'cause I thought he was fat shaming me.

I'm like, "Hold on, bro.
You ain't gonna fat shame."

So I chased him.
I chased this gay man,

and I got in his face
with my chicken sandwich.

I said...

I didn't understand what that
gesture meant at the time.

I just didn't know.

You know, you do better.
That's how it go.

At this point with boycotting,
man, shit, man,

we need...

we need an app.

That's the only way to keep up
with all these boycotts.

These boycotts be coming down
so damn fast.

You can't keep up with
all these damn boycotts, man.

You just need an app, just your phone.

You punch in your political beliefs,

and then anytime you get too
close to one of them stores,

your phone just goes, "Mm-mm.

Mm-mm."

I'd pay $2 for that.

Food boycotts are the toughest for me.

I don't know which boycotts
y'all go through,

but everybody in this room done
had one, at least one thing

when they called the boycott,
you was like...

The rest of them boycotts
I can do, no problem.

You tell me not to buy a shirt
from a store, cool.

You say don't watch the NFL,
cool. I'm a Dolphins fan.

I ain't missing nothing,
so that's easy for me.

But when you say food,
that's a whole nother world,

'cause only one company
that I think makes food

good enough to maybe,

maybe navigate outrage.
It's one company

I think might be close
to being boycott-proof.

It's McDonald's.
McDonald's is delicious.

I'm sorry. I know some
of y'all got money now.

You eat hummus, so you got bread.

Whatever.

But don't act like McDonald's
wasn't the sustenance

of your childhood,
you ungrateful asshole.

Like Ronald McDonald
ain't have your back.

McDonald's is delicious.

This is how good... this
is how delicious McDonald's is.

This is how delicious McDonald's is.

McDonald's just recently
started giving us

all white meat chicken nuggets.

At no point did we stop to ask

what the nuggets
was made of before that.

We just kept eating them.
It's all white meat now?

Oh, shit yeah.

That's good right there.
Yeah.

McDonald's is delicious.

They got that damn McRib.

Some of y'all act like
you're too good for the McRib.

That McRib, man.

Do you know how arrogant
you got to be as a company

to just offer a sandwich

and then just take it away

when you feel like it?

You be in McDonald's, scratching.

You ain't got no more McRibs, man?

When they coming back, baby?
When does it return?

McDonald's might be boycott-proof.

I don't know, man.

'Cause here's what McDonald's does.

McDonald's does some smart shit
that no other company does.

Like, McDonald's has figured out a way

to always address issues
in the black community.

They always in the hood.

McDonald's got a Twitter
account separate from regular

McDonald's where all they do

is talk to black people.
This is what McDonald's does.

This is why McDonald's
is slick as hell.

McDonald's got a commercial
where all they do

is just recap everything they
did for black people that year.

No other company does that.

No other company that I can think of

has the negro recap
commercial every year.

It comes on during black TV shows,

so, white people, I'm sure
ain't none of y'all seen it,

but this is a real commercial,

and I'm not talking about the
black McDonald's commercial.

I'm not talking about some motherfucker

with a nugget talking about,

"Yeah, put that love in the nugget.

I eat a nugget."
Not that.

This is a totally separate commercial.

There's no music.

They're not trying
to sell you anything.

It's no crazy camera angles and moves.

It's just a kid flipping burgers,

a little high school kid
working the grill,

and then you just hear a voice
come on the commercial.

Did you know McDonald's

and the United Negro College Fund...

Gave $40 million
to send these kids to college?

If it wasn't for McDonald's,
people like Terrence here

might still be robbing your ass.

Ain't that right, Terrence?

McDonald's.

It's brilliant.
It's brilliant marketing.

So the next time a black person
get knocked out

at a McDonald's,
they just gonna be like,

"Hey, look, we sent
Terrence to college."

McDonald's does so much
with the black community, man,

the boycott wouldn't be instant.

There would be a conversation.

They do the McDonald's
All-American Game every year.

If you're not up on sports,
the McDonald's

All-American Game, every year,

McDonald's takes 24 of the best
high school basketball players,

puts them in the same gym
in front of pro scouts,

college scouts, foreign scouts,

giving them an opportunity
to take their talents

to feed their family
and change the trajectory

of their whole fucking namesakes.

Taco Bell ain't never done
no shit like that for us.

At this point,
McDonald's could just show

a commercial of black people
doing anything

and just put a voice-over to it,

and they'd take credit for it,
and black people would be like,

"That's all right, McDonald's."

It could be anything.
It could be a brother just...

It could be two dudes just
shooting dice in an alley,

just...

Did you know McDonald's
gave this boy Terrence

half a kilo to get back on his feet?

He took that kilo and
flipped it a couple of times,

and now he's got
the best dope in the city.

Ain't that right, Terrence?

McDonald's.

Arby's ain't never done that.

I like Arby's.

McDonald's is delicious,
but I like Arby's too, man.

I do. I like Arby's.
I like the commercial

'cause the commercial
is just so straightforward.

It ain't no jingle.

We have the meats.

That's it. No nothing else.
It's just Ving Rhames.

Meat. That's what we have.

We have the meats.

Could you imagine if that's
how Arby's employees talked?

This is my first time here.

What do y'all specialize in?

Meat!

We have the meats!

Ving Rhames in them Arby's commercials

sound like a fed up black father.

That's why you couldn't even
have... even if Arby's

did do shit like that for black people,

they couldn't have Ving Rhames
doing the audio

for the commercial.

Did you know Arby's
helped this little bastard

get into a college,
and now he talking about

he don't want to go to college no more.

Look at the camera
with your ungrateful ass.

We have the meats.

McDonald's is delicious.

McDonald's so good, McDonald's
be the first restaurant

black people would have to
boycott one sandwich at a time.

We wouldn't quit McDonald's
cold turkey.

You know how every other boycott,

you just cancel the whole store.

Old black lady get knocked out.

One of them black leaders come on TV.

It's been brought to our attention

that McDonald's likes to punch
old black people in the face.

Well, until we get justice,
we, the black people,

will no longer be eating...

the McChicken, just the McChicken,

until we get answers.

McDonald's is delicious.

We don't do enough caring
for each other, man.

I think that's part of who we are.

'Cause to me, like,
we don't even want to learn

what other people are going through.

Like, that's the biggest rift
is that, as a country,

to accept somebody else's truth,

you got to be open to learning
their perspective

on their walk through this country,

and people are like, "I don't
want to fucking learn."

We ain't got time.
And we don't like learning.

That's what it really boils
down to in America.

We don't like learning.

To learn new stuff, that means
you got to sit and read.

Especially if you ain't
in school no more,

you've got to force yourself to learn

what somebody else is going through,

and we don't like learning.
We hate learning new stuff.

We don't even like
updating our cell phone.

That's how much we hate
learning new stuff.

You got a damn $1,000 phone
in your pocket right now.

Every week, your phone
send you a message and be like,

"Hey, man, if you hit this button,

I'll be a better phone."

And what we do?
Fuck that. Maybe later.

Ain't got time to be
learning no new phone.

Just be the phone you was
when I bought your ass.

We hate learning.

We don't like learning new stuff.

Look at graduations.
That's all a graduation is.

A graduation is just

the celebration of the end of learning.

That's why we dance at the graduation.

I ain't got to read shit else.

You snatch the diploma.

Give me the diploma.
Hell yeah.

Then you put the diploma
on a wall in a frame,

so everybody can see.
That's all a diploma is.

A diploma is just a sheet of paper

showing the exact day you stopped

giving a fuck about everything.

And that's when people
go back to their diploma.

Well, that ain't how
it was back in my day.

See, I got a sheet of paper
here on the wall

that says I learned everything.

We don't like learning.

The only thing we hate worse
than getting new information

is having to relearn old information.

Somebody told you
something was one way.

You bought into it your whole
life, and then on a dime,

the U-turn tell you
what you knew was false,

and we get...

Remember when they told us
Pluto wasn't a planet no more?

People lost they damn mind.

Hey, remember that planet
that we thought was a planet?

Yeah?
It ain't a planet no more.

Fuck you, motherfucker!

It is a planet!
You can go to hell.

It is a planet.
Pluto is a planet.

I have a sheet of paper
here on the wall that says

I learned it was a planet.

I'm like, "No, it's not
a planet. It's okay."

We reject new information.

That's why we are at this crossroads

with LGBTQIA issues and trans issues,

'cause, like,
people don't want to accept

somebody else's truth.
Just kick back and just listen

to what other people are going through.

Learn something.
Because...

Like, it's hilarious to me

that people don't even care
about just basic, simple...

Like, something as simple

as just calling
somebody a different name.

You can't do that?
You can't do that?

You just can't call
someone a different name?

Somebody named Jack
want to be called Jill.

You can't do that?
You can't even do that?

Is that... is that asking too much?

Hey, man, this person
used to be called Jack.

They want to be called Jill.
Can you call them Jill?

Fuck, I can't call them Jill.

Can't be calling nobody
no different name

'cause they feel like a lady.

I have a sheet of paper
here on the wall

that says I learned all the genders.

One, two.
That's it.

Somebody named Jack
want to be called Jill.

You can't do that?

Meanwhile, half your
favorite entertainers

been performing under a fake name,

and you ain't had
no problems with that.

I ain't finna call you Jill.

Meanwhile, you think Ice Cube
is his real name?

Really?

Or maybe he just gave you
a name he wanted to be called.

Maybe, just maybe.

Hulk Hogan's real name is Terry.

Let that sink in while you refuse

to call a trans person
what they want to be called.

Sweaty-ass Hulkamania,
Hulk fucking Hollywood Hogan

is a nigga from Tampa named Terry.

But you can't call Jack
Jill but Hulk Hogan...

Come on, man.

We just don't do enough
caring about people, man.

The only time you see Americans
really come together

is during storm coverage.

That's it.
As far as I can tell,

that's the only time you see people

really putting issues aside
and helping each other

is when the floodwater up to here.

Ain't no politics when
the floodwater up to here.

It's just people helping people.

It's black people on the roof,

white people in the boat pulling up.

Get in, buddy.
Come on.

Which, sidebar, black people,
we got to start buying boats.

It's time.

It's time.

Okay?

If you got people live
close to the water,

get them a basic-ass,
get-off-the-roof boat.

It ain't got to be nothing expensive.

Just... This don't cost a lot.

But that's how we are, man.
We don't care about people

until they messed up in a group.

That's when we go, "Okay,
we got to do something.

It's a bunch of them.
Now I care."

We help all these people
during storm relief,

and it's a beautiful thing.

Every time Americans
get messed up in a storm,

we step up, send money, send
clothes, do whatever we can,

but it's only 2 million
homeless people coast to coast.

We got a bunch of homeless people

coast to coast in this country,

but we don't do nothing for them

'cause they ain't homeless in a group.

Yeah, we don't care 'cause they
sprinkled all over the country,

which is why, if you're
homeless... if I was homeless,

I would just start watching
the Weather Channel...

And just wait to see
where the storm's swirling

and just head straight there

and just lay underneath some rubble

and wait for them to dig me up,
and I spring up.

Hey, I lost everything too.

Where's my assistance?

I'm a veteran.
I thought you cared about me.

We pretend to care
but only as far as it

will benefit us most of the time.

We don't want to accept other
people's truths as reality,

because to learn requires
you to face some truth.

Truth is overwhelming, so it's
easier to just deny it and go,

"That ain't happening."

It's quicker. It's easier.

Hey, men are touching us,

and we want you to stop touching us.

Fuck that.
That ain't happening.

No, it is. It's happening.
Men are touching us.

We want you to stop touching us.

Well, when? Motherfucker,
I have a sheet of paper

here on the wall that says it was okay

to touch people from back
when we were touching people.

No, we've reevaluated,
and much like Pluto,

we've decided that's a planet

we don't want to live on anymore.

And they're like, "No."

Fellas, if you ain't learned shit else

from this Me Too movement,

I hope you've learned
how not to apologize.

You should be ironclad
with your girl by now,

'cause these apologies, oh,
my God, them things is rough.

Did you touch that woman?

I do not recollect my recollection

of the events of the evening
and are unfortunate.

I do not recollect.

Anytime somebody use the word
"recollect,"

some shit went down.

That ain't no regular-ass word.

Anybody who say "recollect,"

that ain't no regular
conversational word.

Ain't never in your life
when you arguing with your girl

have you said the word.

Are you cheating on me, yes or no?

It's unfortunate that your recollection

does not match my recollection.

'Cause what I'm noticing
from these apologies,

you see how much power these men have.

Like, this is how you know
they had a lot of power.

It's men apologizing
for harassing women,

but within the apology,

telling you when they last day
of work gonna be.

You know how much power you got to have

to get caught grabbing somebody
on the ass...

You grabbed somebody on the ass.

Did you grab her?
Yeah, I grabbed her.

Then you're gonna leave?

Yeah, but I got to stay onboard
with the transition team.

Like, no. Go home.

You don't have to hang around.
We'll figure it out.

Like, that would never happen
at a regular job.

If you worked a regular-ass job,

they not gonna let you stay onboard.

If you got caught grabbing
asses at fucking Burger King,

they ain't gonna let you
keep making Whoppers.

Did you touch that woman?

Well, it's unfortunate her recollection

does not match my recollection,

but I plan to stay onboard
with the Whopper team

to ensure quality sandwiches
for the constituents.

That's not how it goes, man.
That's not how it goes.

But, you know, these men are caught up.

It's not a lot you can do.

If you get caught up in Me Too
allegations, boy,

you can either apologize.
You can be quiet.

Some dudes did it way wrong.

Kevin Spacey
tried to play the gay card,

which that did not go over well at all.

Did you touch those boys?

Listen, I don't... I'm gay.

Like, he thought it was, like,
gonna make him disappear.

I'm gay.
Like, no, we still see you.

We still see what's going on.

You got to do something to try
and get the sympathy, man.

You see what Bill Cosby did.
He went blind.

That was a slick move.

Almost worked.

Bill Cosby played that cripple card.

Did you know... did you
touch those women?

What women? Who?

You'd think by now, half of
these men caught up

in Me Too allegations
would've had enough

sense to drop a R&B album
to take people off the scent.

I mean, if you gonna be
a piece of shit,

Drop some hits.

'Cause if you do music the right way,

it gives you a little longer
time to be a bad person.

You know, ain't nobody care
about Kevin Spacey.

Ain't nobody getting pussy
to "House of Cards."

You don't care about that.

But when you start accusing musicians

of that stuff, people get defensive

because they're guarding
their own memories,

because that music is attached

to something special in their life,

or it brings them back to
a special person in their life,

so for them to reject that musician

who may or may not be
treating women badly,

they ain't ready to do because
they'll put themselves...

They'll put their happiness
over your humanity,

and that's just what it is.

Some people just don't care.

They'd rather fucking step
than take a stand, you know.

You got to do something though.

Ain't but one person
successfully escaped

Me Too allegations,
and that's Hugh Hefner.

He died, which I got to say,
well played.

Did not see that coming.

That was a slick-ass move out of Hef.

Hugh Hefner got the fuck up
out of here, didn't he?

Hugh Hefner died the week

before the Weinstein
allegations went public.

You think that was a coincidence?

The playmates... playmates
in the Playboy Mansion

were getting ready to roll
on Hugh Hefner,

and he saw the opportunity
and talked it over

with his team and was like,

"I'm out this bitch."

Mr. Hefner, there's gonna
be allegations coming out,

and the women say.

How do you want to handle it?

That's a good question.
I'll be right back.

No, 'cause here's
the thing that Hugh Hefner knew

that the other Me Too men
hadn't figured out yet.

If you die, all this shit goes away.

It does.
That's how it is in America.

If you die before the truth
comes out about you... like,

if you die before somebody says
something bad about you,

it don't count.

All you have to do is die.

You know what's crazy,
you die... not only that.

You die, people defend you.

You have way more defenders in death

than you ever do when you living.

People defend you.

Anybody in this room,
we could die tonight.

They find ten bodies at the house.

They be like, "Well, let's not
talk about the bodies.

"Let's remember the good times
that Terry gave us.

Did you know he worked at
McDonald's before he became"...

You got to die on time.

It's the secret to life, people.

People tell you
all this different stuff,

the secret to life.

I'll tell you the secret to life.

The secret to life
is knowing when to end life.

You got to die on time.

If you think you're gonna get
accused of doing some bad shit,

you got to die on time.

It's the only way to preserve
your reputation and your money.

Joe Paterno almost didn't die on time.

Barely made it.
Bang-bang play at the plate.

Safe.
He got in.

Joe Paterno almost didn't die on time.

Did you know them kids
was getting molested

while you was coaching football?

You know what,
that's a very good question.

I'll be right back.

You got to die on time.

Say what you want about death,

but as a crisis management tool...

They went in there and talked to Hef.

He was like, "Mr. Hefner,
a lot of the playmates

"are coming forward
with allegations about you.

We've drafted a statement."
I don't need no statement.

Go upstairs and get my casket.

Mr. Hefner, you don't have to.
We can fight this.

Just say "recollect" 12 times.

I ain't saying no "recollect."

Go upstairs and get my casket.
Put some snacks in it.

I'm out this bitch.
Wakanda forever.

And he just sank down into the ground.

You have to die on time.

The secret to life
is knowing when to die.

I don't give a fuck.
Quote me on that.

Put it in a meme.

When I'm dead, put my
picture beside that quote.

Yeah, it's just that, to me,
I look at the world,

and I feel like there's just not enough

caring about one another,

and if people cared more
about the next man,

then we would all be better.

I was watching some storm
coverage in Houston

when the hurricanes hit,
and there was these fire ants,

and when a fire ant nest gets flooded,

all the fire ants cling
together and form an ant raft,

and they just fucking float.

Something that should
kill them, they survive

because they know they have
to rely on each other,

and ants periodically
take turns rotating

from the bottom up to the top

and working and saving
the larvae and the queen,

and I saw these ants
floating down a Houston street,

and that's when I knew

there's no hope for humans.

We are a long way
from being the fire ants.

But we got to try.
We got to try.

The media doesn't help though.
The media doesn't help.

Stuff happens in this country,
and the first thing we do,

we talk about it for a second,
and then we argue about it,

and then we move on to
the next thing that happened.

At no point do we stop
to analyze the things

and the circumstances
that led up to that event,

so that maybe you could have
a real conversation

about prevention.

You know, we don't talk about that.

We don't dig deep for that,
and that's where we are.

Nobody cares enough
to drive that conversation,

especially not in the media.
The media don't give a damn.

The media is all about ratings.

Money over morals, man.

Clickbait, clickbait, clickbait.

Oh, that's good.
They clicked it.

Ooh.
They give you an article.

Some shit happened, and then
they argue about the shit.

That's the news.

This just in, some shit happened.

What do you think about it?

I think it's good.

I think it's bad.

Well, fuck, I hate to cut in.

Some new shit just happened.

What do you think about the new shit

that we just cut you off
from the old shit?

I think it's good.
I think it's bad.

I hate to cut in.
Some new shit just happened.

That's where we are with the news.

At no point is it
a conversation about solutions.

I'll give you
a perfect example of this.

I don't know how many
of y'all are familiar

with the Facebook shooter.

The Facebook shooter was...
It was this guy a while back

who was in a relationship with a woman.

They broke up after three years,

and because he couldn't
deal with the breakup,

he decided to just ride
around on Facebook Live,

and he told her on Facebook Live.

He told this woman on Facebook Live.

He said, "Until you
take my phone calls,

I'm gonna ride around and
just shoot at random people."

Yeah, and he kept his word,
and this was extra bad

'cause this was a black dude,
which is, like,

extra stressful for us.

You know, anytime a black
person go crazy, it's stressful

'cause you got to be nice at work

for the next week and a half.

You know, you got to, like, work harder

to improve black stereotypes.

Anytime a brother go crazy,
you got to come to work

in a suit for the next three months.

How y'all doing?

This is my "not all of us
are shooters" jacket.

Got this at Nordstrom's Rack.

But the Facebook shooter.

The Facebook shooter, he rides
around shooting at people

because a woman
won't take his phone calls,

no reason more than that.

Just a woman won't take my call.

And there was a four-day manhunt.

The brother's picture
was everywhere, every channel,

Food Network, Nick Jr.,
every, every...

That's when you know
they gonna find you,

when your picture is on Nick Jr.

When your shit coming on

between episodes of "Paw Patrol,"

oh, please believe
they gonna track you down.

They catch the Facebook
shooter three, four days

into the manhunt.

He pulls into a fast food spot,

and the woman in the
drive-through recognizes him,

and she did something that I know

I wouldn't have done for minimum wage.

She stalled him.
She stalled him.

She looked a certified, cold,
lunatic in the face and said,

"Sir, it's gonna be
a minute on your fries."

Would you mind waiting?"

Now, I don't know what y'all do

when y'all was working
for minimum wage,

but I did the minimum.

That's maximum.

I don't do maximum for minimum.

If I'm working at McDonald's

and I see the Facebook shooter
through the glass,

that's my last day at the McDonald's.

Hey, I'm gone.

I'll make up a reason.
I'll make them fire me.

I'll be like,
"Look, in the coming weeks,

"there are some truths
about me you'll discover.

"I don't recollect her accusations

of the recollect...
I got to go."

So this brave McDonald's worker,

she goes in the back
and calls the police.

The police roll up.

Facebook shooter speeds off.

Three, four blocks later,

they catch up with him,
and they corner him.

The Facebook shooter
takes his own life,

which is a horrible story, very sad.

The national conversation in
the media after this happened,

it wasn't about mental health;
it wasn't about gun control.

It was about whether or not
Facebook Live is a useful tool.

That's it.
That's all we gonna talk about?

After all this shit that went down,

that's what we gonna talk about,

whether or not Facebook Live...

A brother who was
completely sane two days

earlier snapped like that

and was the most wanted man
in the country.

You have to sit

and have a conversation
about mental health

and what we can do to get
people the help they need

before they hurt other people.

Because if you'd have paid attention

to the Facebook shooter,

you would've known that there's a need

to have a conversation
about mental health.

If you'd have paid close attention

to the Facebook shooter,

you'd have known that there is a need

to have a conversation
about domestic abuse

and why some women
can't just leave a man

because he might snap
and try to kill everybody,

and if you really paid close attention

to the Facebook shooter,

he would've shown you just
how delicious McDonald's is.

He was on the run from the feds

and still stopped
to get fucking nuggets.

Good night, Chicago.