Rocket Science (2007) - full transcript
Coming of age in Plainsboro, New Jersey. High school student Hal Hefner stutters. On the evening his parents stop arguing and separate, 43 miles away at the state tournament, his school's legendary debater, Ben Wekselbaum, goes blank mid-sentence, Ben's teammate Ginny Ryerson doesn't get a first-place trophy, and the world changes. That fall, to Hal's amazement, Ginny recruits him for the debate team, mentors him, and will be his partner. He still has his stutter, but he works hard and he falls in love with Ginny. On the day of the first debate of the season, the world changes again. From then until the day of the state tournament, Hal has a lot to sort out. Is love rocket science?
Testing, testing.
Significance, harms, inherency,
topicality, solvency.
Quiet, please. Cell phones off, please.
Judges ready?
Timer ready?
The affirmative will please begin.
It will come as no surprise to the judges,
our esteemed opponents from Townsend
Prep, nor really to anyone at all
in the audience that we, the
affirmative from Plainsboro high,
do hereby support this year's
national policy debate resolution,
which I am supposed to recite now,
as if after an entire school year
it could still somehow be unknown to any of us.
That is ridiculous. Therefore,
instead of senselessly repeating it,
I will offer up a moment of silence
during which I'd like every one of you
to say the resolution aloud. It will
be a final communal act for all of us,
the high school policy debaters of New Jersey.
Ready, set, go.
Resolved... for those of you
who aren't done, I apologize,
but there's a reason why I'm
up here and you're down there,
and if you please, right now, we're going
to go at my pace. Hang on if you can.
Our plan today is succinct. Only by
becoming a fully socialist regime,
will the United States government
ever emerge as the true moral leader
of the free world, and thus
create a lasting peace.
Therefore we support an amendment to
the constitution of the United States
to outlaw all political parties that do not
embrace socialism as their core philosophy.
On the stage of the New Jersey state
high school policy debate championships
that spring night stood Ben Wekselbaum
of Plainsboro high.
To anyone who ever heard Ben debate
there was one thing that was undeniable:
He had a voice.
Even then, on that may night,
a real voice.
You're all wondering, "when on earth
is he going to get to farming subsidies?"
At long last the link to farming,
which is no doubt obvious by now,
agricultural societies collapse under
capitalism and thrive under socialism.
And agriculture has always
been a necessary industry.
- Without agriculture...
- As Ben Wekselbaum
set out the complexities of their plan,
his partner was biding her time,
picturing how it would look up there...
the only trophy missing from
her crowded, gleaming shelf.
One team on the affirmative,
arguing for the resolution.
The other on the negative, tearing it down.
This year's national resolution is specifically
about farming subsidies, not socialism.
By overstepping the resolution, they
haven't met their prima fascie burden
to defend said resolution and
should be considered untopical.
Subsidies are at their heart an extension
of socialism... that's from Gutierrez, '03.
That the negative team has no legitimate
arguments against socialism isn't our fault.
They didn't penetrate the subject
as deeply as they should have.
To suggest that we haven't refuted
the very basis of socialism
is fallacious and specious.
I refer you again to the quotes
my partner read regarding...
- And so it goes.
- The high school debate,
like the war that rips through your city
and ravages everything in its path;
kids wielding words like weapons
and brandishing ideas like axes.
Nothing else mattered in that final round.
There was no world beyond it.
Except that 46 miles away
Hal Hefner was at home... just sitting at home
like nothing or none of New Jersey
was burning around him.
We're gonna have to break up the set.
What am I gonna do?
Put it all in a garbage bag?
My stuff's not gonna fit in a garbage bag.
Yeah, put it in a garbage bag!
Here, keep the deodorant.
Why don't you go down to the basement?
There's another set down there.
Quit slamming the drawers.
Oh, come on! You're gonna break the drawers.
Give me a break. I'm taking this.
I hope you don't mind,
because you took everything else of mine.
On that may night Hal Hefner
had hardly a voice at all.
Charlotte.
Could you not do that? Because I may
have to come back and get some stuff.
- See ya.
- No, no.
Don't take that bag.
Hey, Hal.
Earl, I'm...
I'm taking these. I'm not going
to be living here anymore
and that's why I'm taking the suitcases.
Just leave the big bag with the rest of the set.
Lord, this is so you!
Here's your suitcase.
( Sighs )
You guys are going to be all right.
And I'll...
I'll see you sometime soon.
I don't know what else to say.
I can't put it into words.
( Ben talking faintly )
Back on the stage of the state championships
the night at last revealed itself
as not just any night,
but as the night, the night when it all began.
Ben Wekselbaum, the best voice
to ever debate for PHS,
Plainsboro high,
according to anyone who ever heard him...
that Ben Wekselbaum,
he just went quiet.
Our next advantage basically says
that human relations can only thrive
in an atmosphere of total equality.
That human relations can only exist...
Sorry, I just said that.
Wait, wait, wait.
Ben?
46 miles apart, at the very same moment,
all the arguments stopped.
So there was this bridge of
silence spanning New Jersey.
No shouting from Hal's parents,
no debating, no voice.
No one's voice at all.
That year's national debate
topic was farming subsidies.
And if you don't know how farming subsidies
could inspire all this commotion,
then you don't know life
and there's nothing that can be said about it.
Suitcases end marriages and farming
subsidies launch cataclysms.
Can a voice travel from one person to another,
sure it can.
That's our position:
That the will to speak traveled that night
across the dark New Jersey highways
until it arrived on this very block,
where it would take up residence,
or try to, in someone new.
Gladys, let's go!
Timeliness is an important part of it.
- Heston.
- Earl.
( Muttering ) I'll just have the... just the...
just the... just the...
just the pizza, thanks.
Thank you.
What kind of a name
is O. Henry?
Not a pseudonym, that we all know;
but...?
How about nom de plume?
Does nom de plume sound right?
It sounds right to me. It was
toward the end of the reading
that no one seems to have completed.
Open your books to page 248.
Let's do the reading that should
have been done last night.
Fish or pizza?
Yeah, I'll have the pizza.
Fish or pizza?
I'll have the...
the pizza's plain or pep.
Fish is... not sure.
Like general fish.
Yeah, I'll have the...
the... the...
the, uh...
the... not... not the...
I'll just... just...
- just...
- the fish?
The general fish...
Please.
Come back for seconds. Plenty left.
Thank you, Ma'am.
- Fish or pizza?
- Pizza.
Do you want to keep on trying
the breathing exercises,
or something new?
Is it all right if I... if I
don't have an opinion?
Let's try this.
( Whispering ) I read in this journal,
"clinical pathways to speech pathology,"
that it's hard to be anything but fluent
when you whisper or sing.
I sent away for a videotape
of some people trying that out.
Not a solution, obviously,
but wanna give it a shot?
I can't... I can't... I can't...
I can't do this.
Isn't this too stupid, honoria?
Even for honoria.
This is too stupid. I can just feel it.
I explained this, Hal,
that this is not my specialty.
I'm sorry, I'm trying.
It's really a shame that you're not hyperactive,
because that I know well.
And that I can work miracles with...
hyperactivity.
But...
- Back to breathing.
- Yeah?
Breathe.
Good, come on.
It was 1858,
and while senator Stephen
Douglas set out his case
that states ought to choose
whether to allow slavery,
Abraham Lincoln consulted
with the smart citizens of Illinois
to plot his answer.
Lincoln's a chick.
Let me find now a citizen
to assist me in coming up with arguments
against senator Douglas.
Where can I find such a citizen helper?
The commoner in the striped plum-colored shirt...
we need you, Sir.
Rise to your duty.
- Come on!
- Get up there.
My assistant has come to offer me arguments
in my debate against the senator.
Ha!
Now I'm quaking.
What cannot a house divided against itself do?
It is this argument that will lead me to victory.
What cannot it do?
( Exhales ) Uh...
It... it...
hold it further away from your mouth.
What cannot a house divided do?
It can't...
can't sta...
can't... can't...
Mr. President...
A house divided can't...
some help from the citizenry.
It can't stand.
I thought it would shit itself.
Thank you.
How about a round of applause
for the good commoner?
"Stephen Douglas": Ladies
and gentlemen, the silence
with which you have listened to Mr.
Lincoln during his hour...
You look taller onstage.
Agnes.
Agnes. Agnes.
Agnes.
I'm trying not to listen, okay?
Distinctly not to... you're
like one foot away, so just...
do you wanna hear your problem?
You've no agenda.
Strictly head-in-the-ground material.
Look at me.
Look at me.
I wake up every morning and what do I do?
I create an agenda for the day,
which is a sub-agenda for the month,
which is in itself a pie sl...
which is in itself a pie slice
of my agenda for life.
Do you want to hear my purpose for today?
I... uh, I... no.
I... I... I can assure you
that I absolutely do not.
Probably call the cops on me anyway.
Hey, Adolf, switch with me.
Upsy-Daisy.
This is my seat.
Like all seats on this vehicle,
yours has been paid for with taxpayer money.
Which means that I or anyone else
has just as much right to it as you do.
In fact, given the distinction
between what your family
surely pays in taxes and mine,
I think it's safe to say the seat is
substantially more mine than yours.
Do you see now?
I'll be taking just a minute
to talk to the little man,
and then you can go on borrowing
my seat for as long as you like
until I want it again, right?
Coach Lumbly, with the pilgrim hat,
she teaches patterns of adult living.
She's on her third husband, name
of Wallace Lumbly. Wallace III.
It's a particular pattern she
doesn't lecture us on in class.
Anyway, she came up to me after a
presentation on egalitarianism
and said that although my argumentative
skills were at the fetal stage,
she sensed, somehow she intuited my potential
and she invited me on the team.
So now here I am two years later
doing the same thing with you...
recruiting,
ferreting out the debating
talent from the masses.
That's you.
I've ferreted you.
You mean... you mean
public speaking? Like, speaking...
In public?
No, I don't think that's...
that's not... that's not very...
resolved that the federal government
should support the teaching of abstinence
in public schools...
From sex.
It's a big step up from farming.
That was last year's resolution.
Yeah, I know.
Suit yourself.
But deformed people are the best.
Maybe it's because they have
a deep resource of anger.
It serves them well.
Were you trying to say thank you?
I thought you might be stuck
trying to say thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm sure this is awkward for the boys.
- Not one bit.
- Not one single bit.
I swear I'm more nervous than anyone.
Honestly, Jules, I'm a small-claims judge.
It's lucky I'm not dating someone from Trenton.
Is this a traditional Korean dish?
Because it has an exotic odor.
Uh, that's tuna casserole.
Use your finger!
Shut up!
My Dad hasn't dated anyone
before your Mom for six years.
Can, uh...
can we just not talk about that?
I got this by a tree stump in the park.
Look at this one.
Fire!
Then on Thursday...
it could have been any day but it wasn't;
it was Thursday...
for no good reason, something happened.
And it was like a little wave breaking over him.
Take aim...
And it said the name
G-i-n-n-y.
Ginny.
( Echoing ) The wave said the name Ginny.
Over and over.
- Ginny, Ginny, Ginny...
- Fire!
Zero points, Hal Hefner.
Ginny.
The etymology of the word spreading is unclear
but we believe it to be a blending
together of speed and reading, spreading.
All it is is jamming as many arguments
into your time as you humanly can.
Here we go... the effects
of early sexual relations
include transition of diseases,
out-of-wedlock pregnancies
and a host of potential illnesses...
a host of potential illnesses,
including depression
and low self-esteem.
Consider contention one earlier.
Participation in the program is 53%
more likely to yield positive results.
You know, the other thing
that I wanted to tell you
is that you even look like this
guy I used to debate with...
in a shorter, goofier kind of way.
And what would you be doing here
looking enough like this guy
if it wasn't for me to discover you
and what talents are hidden within?
Hi.
Hi.
Resolved that Hal Hefner should
really stop letting the world
tell him what's possible and try
and figure it out for himself.
Maybe that's a life's philosophy
suited just to some of us who Cherish winning.
So maybe it's not for you,
but I think that it is.
The quality of life among teens who refrain...
Before this,
there was the nothingness
of Plainsboro, New Jersey.
But now Hal Hefner suddenly had only one thought.
And it felt like all his life his brain
had been waiting for this thought,
so comfortably now did it fit in
and take up all the room there was.
You're on my street.
You're still on my street.
Do you... do you have any idea
what public property is?
We'll see.
My Mom, Fern, says it's public property,
and if it's okay with your Mom
you can come have 7-up with me,
but the icemaker's busted, so...
Hi.
You want to sit down and listen to an old couple
work on their marriage through some music therapy?
I'm upstairs!
Uh, uh...
uh, no thanks.
Not... not... not today.
I have a request in for binoculars
for my 12th birthday, so...
We'll see about that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Who, uh...
who is that?
Beats me. Hey, do you know if she wears a bra?
Wanna see a bra?
Yeah, uh... I should... I should really...
I should... should...
I should really probably go home now, Lewis.
Okay.
Uh, Judge Pete?
Judge Pete? Your honor?
- Hmm?
- Do you...
Know any, uh, do you know any lawyers...
great lawyers who can't talk very well?
Not... not fluent, but yet great lawyers
whose clients don't end up getting the chair?
Uh...
Oh, there's a bailiff with a prosthetic leg.
What are you thinking, Laverne?
Hi.
I, uh... I talked to Ms...
- to Mrs...
- which is it, anyway?
To... to uh...
to the coach, and, um,
I'm... I'm... I'm gonna come
inside for debate prep now,
uh, thanks to you.
Someone took something of mine.
I had a locket. I had a 24-karat gold deco locket
with two pictures inside.
Is this ringing any bells?
One was of me, the other was of someone else...
a boy, of sorts.
What's a... a deco?
My mother believes that one of
her pseudo friends stole it,
because he, or even she, is secretly a pedophile
and wanted the locket to stare into or suck on
or utilize for other specific erotic purposes.
But I told her that I have this hunch...
I have this womanly hunch
that it was taken out of my
backpack by someone at P.H.S.
It's like I sensed it leaving my presence.
Just an ounce...
but a burning ounce as it left my person.
Well, I don't... I don't think that
the pedophile thing could be true.
Not that I, uh, even really
know anything about that.
But, I just don't believe that anyone
would really think of you like that.
Like what?
I mean, just, uh, sexually, I mean.
That's the worst thing anyone's ever said to me.
- Wait, no!
- I can't believe you said that.
No no, I didn't... no...
I never should have asked you to join the team.
God only knows what I was thinking.
But, I didn't... no...
Earl.
Thief.
- Yes?
- I...
Here! I... I stole it.
Shouldn't you be at school?
You took the locket, you weaselhead!
- Get out!
- You left my theft box a shit-faced mess.
Don't ever touch the stuff I steal!
I mean it! I steal it, it's mine!
You should put that on your business card!
I'm gonna tan your hide, you fake thief!
You god-awful make-believe thief!
Judge Pete is gonna lock you up.
Get your own mother effing plan!
If you tell anyone I stole it,
I'm gonna wipe my ass with you, chopstick,
and I'm gonna reach in your eye
sockets and tear out your pancreas.
I'm hiding my theft box
where you'll never find it.
This is ridiculous!
And stay out!
( Grunting )
It's for you, Annabelle.
Uh...
Uh, he... uh...
is this the Hefner mansion?
Um, uh, I...
yeah, uh,
can you... can you hold on for a second?
I'm just gonna, um... uh...
I'm just gonna move. But stay on.
You can hang up now, Earl.
You can hang up now, Earl!
Oh, okay.
You're the boss of me.
( Hal sighing )
The boy whose picture I keep
in the locket that you stole,
did you see him?
Uh, yeah, he...
His name's Ben Wekselbaum. We debated together
until he freaked out at the final round at states
and left me with a lousy second-place trophy.
I've never felt anything like that.
Have you ever felt like you
could burn the world down?
Every day.
Well, he dropped out of high school
and though he never did have the decency to call,
I heard through the grapevine that
his Grandmother got him a job
at the world-renowned Louise
dry-cleaners in Trenton.
I... yeah, I don't think
that I've ever heard of it.
Right. Anyway, ultimately it's a good thing
that the spirit of cowardliness
overtook Ben Wekselbaum,
left my partner arrangement free this year,
allowed me to find someone that I can mold
into the kind of bare-knuckles
debater that I want to debate with.
The best debaters are the ones
with something to prove...
I, trying to rise above the
fiasco of last year's states,
and you trying to prove to the world that
you're not as retarded as you sometimes sound.
Which is why I want you to
overlook the embarrassment
that comes with having taken my locket
and join up with the team after all.
You're on dishes tonight, Virginia.
I'm on an important phone call, is what I'm on.
They're all important calls in
the world of Virginia Ryerson.
I have to go. I'll see you
at my house on Saturday.
- You're helping me with research.
- Yeah, oh, uh...
Ginny, are you... are you still there?
Oh, I am, Katherine, yes,
and it's a good thing I am.
- Earl!
- If you think you're gonna get a long-term
girlfriend without my permission,
you got another think coming.
You'll never sleep safe again. Not ever.
Don't do it, little shit! Don't do it!
Try not to steal anything if you can.
Cut it out and come inside.
Close the door behind you.
Sit down. You're finding me
quotes in the affirmative.
So, uh...
What do... what do you believe
in when it comes to abstinence?
Top debaters never really believe in anything.
It gets in the way of arguing from both sides.
But I mean, like,
for you, like in your own life.
Debate is life. You shouldn't think
about it in any other context.
- Because in my mind, I don't...
- I don't really think it's...
A very good idea.
Abstinence, I mean.
Because, um, I just...
Don't think it's a very good idea,
not for kids in New Jersey.
Okay, well, that's enough tangential bullshit.
Write down these template
arguments against abstinence:
One, supporting it violates the
barrier between church and state;
two, it's an enforcement
of a dated, sexist agenda;
three, sexual freedom is
the basis of human freedom;
four, it separates us from western
cultures, Europe in particular,
when we should be drawing closer
to our international allies;
five, psychologists say that repressed
sexual functions can create adult neuroses;
six, abstinence programs actually increase
risky sexual behavior among teens;
seven, it creates barriers between
free-love-generation parents
and their more conservative children;
eight, and finally, we oppose
abstinence because the world might end
and then basically everyone
we know dies a virgin.
Wow.
Yeah, all those when you think about it.
In preparation for our first
official debate exercise next week
show me that you can argue
in favor of abstinence.
Well, um...
I think I may be better arguing
from from the other side of this.
How.
Um...
The only one that I could... that I could really...
that I could really come up with was...
that, uh, love is... it's more special
when you... when you do find it.
The special-love case.
Probably that stinks,
but I'll think about it some more
and we'll see.
Dad says he and Mom have done every
one of these at least twice,
and some as many as 100 times.
But he says no one's keeping count,
which seems like a big waste
'cause he could be the Kama Sutra
Barry bonds or something
and no one would even know it.
Yeah, I tried this one with my pants on.
On Winchester, our old dog.
But he wouldn't sit still and he died a month later.
Mmm, hot and spicy.
Descartes. Man, oh man.
Hey, would you be interested in joining my club?
The junior philosophers.
Oh, uh, well, I uh...
I... my plate is kind of full.
I know what you're thinking.
We read everything, but no Hagel,
if that's your concern.
No, uh, actually I'm waiting for a girl.
That girl.
You know what you can do for me right now
is write up some more flow charts.
Oh, thanks.
Okay.
Once I was your age,
just as quiet on the inside as
most of you novice debaters are.
Quiet as a mouse.
Or a stone.
Or a bowl of pudding.
And then I saw my first debate
and the pudding was no more.
None of you novices understands me now. You will.
Until then, the thing to remember
is there are rules that must be followed.
That's debate.
And that's life.
Our exercise today is an accelerated
run-through of a complete debate round
to teach you those rules.
Why is the Hal Hefner bowl of pudding
allowed to demonstrate to us?
Uh, he's first year that's true.
But Miss Ryerson
has assured me that he's a quick study
and a rare talent, and he will
instruct and enlighten us today.
Our debate begins with Ginny,
the first affirmative,
delivering an eight-minute opening speech.
For our purposes, Ginny will
synopsize that down to 10 seconds.
Good afternoon, ladies and germs.
Our affirmative case today in effect
states that increased teenage pregnancies
will eventually bankrupt social
security, destroy the economy
and result in the third world war.
Therefore, we will quadruple the
federal spending given only to schools
that teach abstinence to their students.
Thank you.
That was lucid, thank you.
Now there's a two-minute cross-examination,
second negative to first affirmative.
Crystal Hamish-Steinberg is the second negative.
Crystal Hamish-Steinberg, would
you give us an exemplary question
that you would ask?
Have you ever heard of Bangladesh?
The perfect tease.
Now the women may sit while
the first negative rises
to respond to Ginny. Phillip?
Rather than attack the affirmative case,
Crystal Hamish-Steinberg
and I propose the following.
We Grant all the harms
claimed by the affirmative,
but state that the better way
to combat teenage pregnancy
is by pouring money into a huge rock concert
that we'll call the "concert for sexlessness."
Thank you.
Now the first affirmative
cross-examines the first negative.
Do you have statistics on how many
rock stars practice abstinence?
How many rock stars in the historic
concert for Bangladesh were Bangladeshi?
I'll ask the questions here, Phillip.
The combatants sit.
Now Hal Hefner wows us
with his second affirmative,
another eight-minute speech
boiled down here to 10 seconds.
Uh...
There were three immediate lines of argumentation
that came to mind.
But the best one went like this:
The plans are not mutually exclusive.
Increased funding for school programs
doesn't preclude the negative team's badly named
"concert for sexlessness."
The government can and should do them both.
Uh, the...
Hal Hefner visualized himself in that moment
as the kind of kid who can state,
"the plans are not mutually exclusive,"
whenever he wants to say so.
The plans are not mutually exclusive.
The plans are not... no, they are...
they are not mutually exclusive.
I'll be handling Hal Hefner's cross-ex and rebuttal
until the first actual debate tournament
against other actual schools.
Until then, he will be my silent partner.
Hal Hefner, sit down.
Do you know what I sounded
like the first speech I gave
when I was your age?
Ben told me I sounded like
a Bob Dole impersonator.
I don't...
I'm not even really...
I'm not even quite sure who that even is.
That was your first try,
your first of many.
And I don't even think anybody really noticed.
It really... it wasn't that big a...
so...
We should get back. Well, I should
get back and finish the round...
Resolved that the Federal Government
should support the teaching
of abstinence in public schools.
Resolved!
The mother effing federal government should
support the teaching of abstinence
in mother effing, fucking public schools!
Resolved!
Do you... do you guys, um...
do you know how, um... how... how
you, or one,
would take a relationship to the next level?
I'm glad you came to me, because...
This is exactly the sort of
problem that mommy and daddy
would royally screw up.
See, it's all about having an agenda,
which they will never tell you.
If you have a plan, like "today,
I'm getting a blowjob,"
it helps you to realize it.
It's all very scientific.
Mm-hm. Yeah, I'm uh...
I'm... I'm... I'm just a doubter
that giving me a... a BJ
is high on Ginny's list.
You're her partner, right?
So you wait until the moment is right.
Like after you crack a good... a really good joke.
Like the one that I crack
about the Queen of England,
and then ask.
It is totally worth the risk.
And you never know.
Once you've had a blowjob, you'd understand.
It's like...
It's like walking through a brick wall.
You know, Ginny said that I won't be her...
her, um, her real partner for months.
And that until then, I'm like...
The mascot.
The disfluent mascot.
The disfluent mascot who's not getting a BJ.
Like the aardvark.
No, that... that was a joke, Heston.
There is no... there isn't a debate mascot.
I, for some reason, was
convinced it was an aardvark.
No.
C'est la vie.
Hey, uh, can I...
I just...
What?
Oh, uh, I just wanted...
I wanted to try, uh, this joke out on you.
It's, well, uh... it's, well, the delivery
is kind of tricky, so...
What happens is that the Queen of England
goes onto this... this television show, and...
Listen, I'm almost done with this chapter.
It's Thomas Aquinas.
But if you continue telling me that filthy joke,
I'm gonna put this book down.
And punch you very hard.
You know, some... well, someday you'll find love.
And then... then everything will be different.
Mas... mas...
uh, masturbation is a natural
precursor of adult sexual development
and it should be unfettered
in a child's learning.
Johnson, '98.
Her plans changed.
Virginia says to keep on working hard
and she'll call you to let you
know when you should come on over.
Well, because the Hazlet
tournament is almost here, and...
Just keep on keeping on,
and maybe she'll call you.
Hi, there.
Do you know...
Do you know if Ginny Ryerson is okay?
Because she canceled our time today
and we have a... we have a
big tournament coming up,
at Hazlet high school, and all the
major Jersey schools will be there.
And I... and, uh, she hasn't...
she hasn't really, uh,
told me what her strategy is gonna be to help me
deal with my... with my speech.
She got into a Lincoln with that Indian guy.
- And you're back.
- Is Ginny all right?
Because Lewis Garrles from across the street
said she got into a Lincoln with an Indian man.
A boy, that's right.
- So, she... but she's fine?
- Fine.
You, could... will you just tell her
that... that I'm done and over
with the masturbation defense?
Tell her that, will you? Just assure her
that I'm... that I'm... that I'm...
that I'm done with masturbation
and I'm ready to show her.
You take care now.
I told Judge Pete about all
the fun you've been having
with debate, and guess the news?
Heston's a joiner.
Uh, yeah, um...
it's... it's too late, Heston.
The, um...
the teams have all been settled.
Coach Lumbly said that after the first tournament
someone always gets creamed and never comes back.
So, I'll be filling that slot,
whomevers that may be.
To discover opportunity
there's sense in that.
That's how I found you, my love.
Hello? Connie Ryerson speaking.
Uh...
Virgil? Is that you?
Uh!
Uh...
Uh, uh...
Uh, this is, uh... this, uh...
this is, uh... this is...
Hal Hefner for, um... for...
call... I'm... I'm calling for, uh...
G-i-n-n-y... Ginny.
Hold the line.
( Softly ) Hi, Ginny. It's Hal.
Hey, Hef here. What's up?
Hal?
Uh, yeah... yeah?
She says she'll see you at
the debate tomorrow. Okay?
Okay, well, we...
we... um, I really... I really...
we... I really... we need to, uh...
practice with her.
She'll see you then.
Hello?
Good morning, Judge. Good
morning, our esteemed opponents.
N... let's...
let's begin with our plan.
That the Federal Government should...
Shut the mumbling, Susie.
But do not stop working,
because if you fail tomorrow,
the whole Hefner family fails
too, and I am not a failure.
So do not do it!
Uh...
Good morning there, Judge...
Good morning, our esteemed opponents.
When you work so hard at something,
so hard, all that extra time...
Wallace, you always tell me balance
out, balance out, balance out...
What are you talking about?
Ginny Ryerson has transferred to Townsend Prep
for the rest of her senior year.
We have an even number.
So, Hal, you'll muddle through today with Heston
and we'll reconstitute the teams tomorrow.
Let's go, Wallace.
Would you like to tell me
what our affirmative case is?
Or would you rather it be a surprise?
Uh...
Good... good... good morning there, Judge.
Good, uh... good... good...
good morning to you, uh...
Both, you, our esteemed opponents.
Good morning, uh...
The...
ab... ab...
that, uh...
resolved that... that...
that... that... that... that, uh...
that it, uh...
How much time, timer?
Yeah, hello?
Mr... Mr... uh... um, Mr...
Hal? What's the matter?
It's... it's, uh... it's, uh,
well, it's funny that you ask, actually.
Um, I've... I'm just... I'm just here at, um...
I'm at... I'm at... I'm at Hazlet...
Hazlet high school, at the debate.
And spent the last... I've...
I spent the last seven minutes of my round-one speech
trying... trying to say the resolution.
- Oh, man.
- Yeah.
Well, there's that video I gave
you, "singing instead of talking."
Yeah, did, uh... did rat poison and
a straw come with that video?
Well, my ex-girlfriend, the PhD at Annenberg,
she used to say her brother never
stuttered if he spoke in an accent.
You could try the accent you know best,
and maybe that would help.
Well, anyway, I wouldn't count on it.
Mina's advice was about
as far-fetched as she was.
You know, open relationships just...
Don't work, Hal.
What?
Uh, I'm advising...
That you should try to do an accent.
- Okay?
- If I do that
you won't see... you won't see me on Monday.
'Cause I'll already be... I'll be on a...
I'll probably be on a plane to...
can you hold on for a sec?
Okay, I should...
I should, mayb... maybe I should...
I should probably go.
( Asian accent ) Good afternoon,
esteemed opponents from Glen rock.
Good afternoon. Let's get our... let...
let's, uh... let... let...
let's get, uh, down and...
down and... down and dirty,
shall we, with this... this thing...
this thing... this thing...
this thing I'll call our plan.
Excuse me, I'm...
I'm... I'm...
I'm... I'm really sorry.
Slice of pizza or sloppy Joes,
and I don't want to debate about it.
I'll take the pizza.
Townsend Prep's just a
really, really good school.
Slice of pizza or sloppy Joes
and I don't want to debate you on it.
Pizza, two slices.
Slice of pizza, sloppy Joes, and
I don't want to debate about it.
Um...
I'll... I'll have the...
not the... the, um...
- the, um...
- We're out of pizza.
Sloppy Joes are all that's left.
But they're not that terrible if you've
never had really good ones before.
Thank you, ma'am.
She's not here.
Ginny and I don't eat at tournaments...
draws blood from the brain.
Will cause special love in adulthood.
I just... I don't...
I don't really know what to do here.
Well, um, this is the girls' room.
So...
Okay.
I want to read, also, what one Judge wrote
about Virginia. She wrote:
"Virginia may be the next Barbara Jordan."
How about that?
First place, individual speaker...
Virginia Ryerson.
( Whispering ) Where's the trophy?
Thank you.
Hal Hefner, stay a moment, would you?
I'm gonna regroup.
Um, let's be adults here
and think about who could use...
A little time on the sidelines.
Ginny recruited me.
- Okay?
- She intuited...
intuited that I... that I...
that my... that my brain was made for this.
I mean, you can't even...
you can't even ask me a question
without my brain filling up with retorts.
It's... it's full of retorts.
Do you know Mento Buin,
who doesn't speak more than six words of English?
Or Evie Spedarsky,
who has such pronounced irritable bowel syndrome
that she's being studied by a team at Princeton?
No.
What about Elvis Hunsinger,
the boy who pees himself in gym class?
Well, everybody knows...
Elvis.
She tried to recruit them all.
Never crossed my mind that this
could be some scheme of hers,
but, when you think about it
looks pretty pat.
Your Mom's running late but wants us to...
hey, now.
Wait a minute. Let me see.
Oh, Jesus!
Man, oh man!
The most Heston ever hauled
in was an honorable mention
in the hip-hop danceathon.
But this is too much coming from you!
On behalf of your Dad...
This goes on the dining room table for
your Mom to see when she gets home.
Whoo!
My Dad told me I was the world's utmost idiot
for not realizing you won something today.
Please accept my belated congratulations.
- Hello?
- Hello, Sylvia.
Fern didn't say anything about
Lewis's friends stopping by!
I get paid per kid!
She can't be going to bed.
Resolved!
Sylvia, no tip for you tonight.
Fuck!
There's a cello in your house now.
I hate you!
Mommy and Judge Pete hate you!
Daddy hates you!
Melody, daddy's new girlfriend, hates you.
That bottle was Reposado, you doofus dunce!
Uncle Chaz spent big bucks on that.
Uncle Chaz hates you!
That's all I wanted to say.
There's pineapple cake in the fridge.
If you're late I'll eat the
whole cake, so don't be late.
Maybe you should put the whole
debate thing behind you,
all a... a lark of adolescence.
We all have 'em.
Mine was cheerleading.
I was the one boy on the cheerleading squad.
Imagine that, huh?
Give me a "H," uh-uh-uh.
Give me a "a,"
uh-uh-uh.
Give me a "l," uh-uh-uh.
What does that spell?
Hal.
That... that image is...
is not really helping.
Just... just because debate was a wipeout,
I mean, you know, a colossal wipeout,
doesn't mean that you're a failure.
It's the activity that failed you.
Hey, there's nothing to say you
couldn't try for the Spanish club.
You could be Spanish club
vice president in no time.
Kyle Felowitz is El vice presidente.
Yeah.
My point, Hal, is that
you have to get out of your own way here, man,
go back to living the way you
were before you tried to exceed
your... your limitations.
Hal Hefner floated above his life,
saw the world around him
as if he were just a ghost
floating through.
Nothing could harm him now.
Nothing could move him or make him love again.
He was that kind of ghost.
The kind that couldn't love again.
Observation 1-a.
Diversion is the norm.
Quoting from the "journal
of adult sexuality" '74:
The root cause of sexual dysfunction are many...
As a boy ghost,
Hal Hefner surveyed the world as he knew it.
And in everything he saw was
evidence that life goes on
with or without love.
He had stopped thinking about the girl,
had stopped dreaming about her,
or, even if that wasn't entirely true,
had stopped dreaming a certain
kind of dream about her.
Well, maybe most of the time.
Then spring came...
11 months after his father left;
six months since he last saw Ginny;
and six since they'd kissed.
Over and over again!
Just stop! I just want us to be buddies.
Be buddies with yourself!
Boys...
Your Mom and I are over.
That's according to her.
She said that it was all her,
that it's always all her
and could we be buddies?
This is a very complicated
adult relationship.
This is why your Dad left.
You're just so messed up!
( Whimpering )
Shit!
Good god!
Mommy! Mommy! Hal's freaking out in the garage!
This is gonna turn out bad, I can feel it.
Virginia Ryerson, please come to the main office.
Virginia Ryerson, you have a
visitor in the main office.
Are you her little brother?
You look like you could be her little brother.
I'm... I'm her ex-lover.
Take a seat. She'll be with you in a minute.
So how far did you get with her?
Does... does it count as second base
when it's groping through the shirt?
Maybe in public school.
What are you doing here?
Oh, uh, uh...
I...
I have, uh... it's spring break at Plainsboro.
I have... I have the... the day off.
Okay.
I'm going back to
A.P. Latin now.
Wait... I'm... I'm returning this to you.
It belongs to you and...
and it's important to me that you have it.
It's your Hazlet trophy.
I had a bad night, but I'm better now.
I don't want the trophy.
I'm... I'm gonna go back to class.
You need to leave.
Wait... every... every... every...
everybody has their own path!
And, uh...
Security, please report to the main office.
Need you to deal with a...
Stuttering boy in the main office.
It was like he was pretending,
pretending that it could all be what it was.
But it can't.
You can only pretend for so
long before the forces that be
take that away from you.
Just like that, it took off
and he found himself sprinting.
It was ridiculous, but he did... he sprinted.
You don't let love collapse all
around you and not put up a fight.
You punch back,
unless you can find someone else
to throw the punch for you.
Then, by all means, do that.
Yeah?
Uh, I'm... I'm here from Plainsboro high,
and I've... I've, uh... I've come here to find you.
Wait in the front if you care to.
My shift ends on the hour.
Oh, I care to.
Yeah, well, that's fine. Wait in front.
That's God doing your dry-cleaning.
God does dry-cleaning.
He wears a smock.
Man, it's a blessing to be squarely and dearly
out of the Goddamn suburbs.
Suck the marrow right from you, the suburbs will.
And it takes years
in the big city to inject
the life back into you...
literal years.
You... you mean, the big city is...
is... is Trenton?
That's right... Trenton.
Oh.
Did Ginny send you?
Oh no, she doesn't... she doesn't...
she doesn't know anything.
- Lumbly?
- No, no. No.
Because if this is part of a grand
design to get me back to school...
You smell that bus exhaust?
That'll be what you leave behind
on your way back to Plainsboro without me.
Wait. The thing is, is that, uh...
What I want... what I want...
what I need is your help.
You don't even know me.
You... you do realize you're like...
you're like a legend at P.H.S., right?
Right, I'm the next Shelley Hasty.
Who is... who's she?
He. He supposedly drove a Chevy Nova
into the cafeteria in 1986.
There's a plaque somewhere next
to a water fountain in his honor.
Well...
I'm... I'm gonna be the next legend at P.H.S.
And that's... that's not gonna
happen for me any other way
than to win... uh, to win at states.
You're gonna win at states?
Yes.
Well... well... well, uh...
We are, yes.
It's so pointless.
That's the realization I came to at states
life is nothing but repetition,
the same thing over and over.
Somebody might give you a trophy
and that's supposed to
mean you're making progress,
but there's no such thing.
The fights you fight today
are the fights you fight till you die.
Yeah, well be... be that as it may...
Sure.
Be that as it may.
Wait, it's not some college-application bullshit
that is... that's like the driving
force here, or any bullshit.
I'm sure.
No, uh, do you want to know what it is?
Yeah. What it is, is...
What it... what it is, is...
uh, it's, uh...
is, uh, is...
no, what... what it is, is...
It's... well, it's love.
Well, if it's not that, then...
then it's the need for... for revenge
when... when love goes bad.
It's one of those two, love or revenge.
I'm not really sure which one.
But it's one of those two things
that made me throw a cello through
somebody's window. So you figure it out.
An actual cello?
I mean, like, yeah, like
symphony-size, as far as I know.
You know, that's pretty sharp in my book,
as far as reasons go.
Yeah, it took a bunch of throws,
but you know, I'm good for a bunch.
Have I got this right?
Your contention is that
we should debate as a team?
You, an inexperienced kid with a
bad and unpredictable stutter,
me, not having debated at all this year and
having no knowledge of the resolution.
In support of this, you basically offer up
that you threw a cello through someone's window.
It's charming, no question.
But is it persuasive?
Why not make the case
that, a: Allowing me to return
to states and win this year
will tie up that loose end
so that I can forge ahead
free from any of life's regrets;
that charitable enterprises such as this
would be the lifeblood of advanced civilizations
even, perhaps especially in
places like Trenton, New Jersey;
that while this life
here is infinitely preferable
to the wretchedness of the suburbs,
it's also not quite what I must have had in mind
and maybe I miss some of the
mundane thrills of policy debate.
Yeah, I mean, all of that.
This goes against my better judgment.
It does. But what we'll need
is one affirmative case
and one all-purpose negative counterplan.
We can't do a year's worth of work in one month,
so we'll concentrate on
those two lines of attack.
You'll have to arrange with your parents...
Do you have parents?
Oh, yeah, I have a...
a Mom that I see most days and...
and I see my Dad some weekends.
You'll have to come to some arrangement
with them or else let go of trying to
so that you can spend evenings and weekends here.
We'll register as a home-schooled team.
My grandmother will sign whatever
official paperwork is required.
But all such considerations wait on our priority,
and that's finding you your voice.
Suddenly, Trenton was a different city;
no longer a dead end but a starting place.
The very city of triumph.
Fire when ready!
( Quietly ) This isn't... this isn't
very good for one's spirit.
I can't hear you!
It's... it's spirit-crushing, I said.
Fine.
What should I say?
Give me your standard affirmative opening.
Yeah.
You know, I haven't really said
it enough for it to really be...
for it to be standard.
Throw me the cello!
Uh...
Let's get down and dirty.
Let's get down...
Let's... let's get...
let's get, uh...
Let's get... let us... let us...
uh, okay, let's just... let... let us...
It's a riddle.
Yeah, yeah.
What it is is one of those rare instances
where one of us having an advanced
college-degree might actually help.
I won't whisper.
It's a trick, but it's... it's, uh...
it's crap. It's a crap trick.
And I won't... I won't do an accent,
however good... however... however...
however good I may be at them.
So that just leaves... that's... that's just...
that's just singing.
Singing my speeches.
And then... and after that,
arran... arranging to have my...
have my... my...
have my ashes scattered
over the Plainsboro municipal pond.
You know, I've...
I've thought about the whole... the singing,
and, uh...
I don't think I can do it,
the song thing.
This is "the battle hymn of the Republic."
We might prefer something more modern, I realize,
but this is the only piece
I can play all the way through.
What you're gonna do
is just learn the song well
enough to keep it in your head,
to let it flow through you
as you speak-sing your speeches.
And we'll write to fit the rhyme.
We think our case will state
that sex is bound to be explored...
Abs... abstinence is the catalyst... - breathe.
- Breathe first.
- Abstinence is the catalyst...
to... to support such a... such a...
- a far-ranging... a far-ranging platform.
- I got it.
Go away!
That's Dad's.
I thought you could use a bigger suitcase...
one with an actual handle.
I swear, Penelope, I don't know what you would do
without someone in this family
who can steal and then organize.
Could I have a request, Earl?
If... if I win today,
could we say... could we say that
you... you'll stop calling me with girls' names?
Could we say that, if I win?
Let's not push it, shall we?
Besides, Penelope's my favorite girl's name.
All right, well, could we... could we
maybe just leave it with Penelope then?
Yeah, we can do that.
Thank you and welcome
to the 43rd annual New Jersey
state debate championships.
There are 22 schools represented here
from every region in the state.
Every preliminary round through the semifinals
will take place in the classrooms
in the adjacent academic buildings.
You'll only return to this
auditorium at the end of the day
for the final round
and the presentation of the trophy.
Now, before we begin,
I want you to give yourselves
a big round of applause.
That's right.
Now, pairings for the first
three rounds are randomized.
Then they're weighted by win-lose record.
Would you sign this?
It's my favorite brief of the year.
It says that abstinence leads to a global crisis
in mental health.
Aren't you that Chinese boy?
I'm K-Korean, yes.
And just... just so... just so
that you're... that you're aware,
it's really ignorant to lump us
all into one category like that.
You all can't win,
but you are all winners. Good luck to you.
You think our case will state that sex
is bound to be explored,
that adding funds for abstinence
is what I will have roared.
But such a case has been heard
so much that we are bored.
Our plan is, thus, not that.
Our... our... uh... uh...
our... our...
our government can best
support teaching abstinence
by refraining from the common and ugly arrogance.
Instead of telling us
we should never do the dance
they should adopt this plan:
Amend the constitution so that no one over 20
can serve in government,
there will be only kids a-plenty.
We'll... we'll... write the laws and fix sex ed,
and it won't cost a penny.
That's our basic plan.
What we'll... what we'll...
what we'll do is create a new Federal Government
where teenagers are only... are... are... are
the only... the only voices of authority.
By doing so... we'll help... we'll help create
a... a wider consensus among teens.
It's a more... it's a more Dem...
it's more... it's more...
it's a more Democratic system and democracy is
the very basis for love
as we'll argue below
in the rest of my song-speech.
Now, please... please turn to...
contingent... contingent one of our plan.
Now... now... now, this one's a
little harder to get the whole...
the whole... the kinda...
the... the rhyme scheme for it,
because... uh, because
of all the quotes that say...
that have "sexologist" in them
which isn't really...
it doesn't... it doesn't
really rhyme with too much.
But it basically... it basically goes like this:
The role... the role of the sexologist...
gentlemen, come with me.
- Ben.
- Marsha.
The bow tie, the pretty boutonniere?
Yes, Sir, it stirs the pot a little.
For me too, coach.
- No, don't do that.
- Excuse me, coach?
I'm... I'm... I'm like...
I'm a minute into my... into my opening.
And, uh... well, uh...
well, I've... well, uh...
well, I'm killing in there.
Aren't I killing?
I've heard worse.
She's... she's heard worse.
There was an objection raised
to your entering here today.
And the New Jersey league officials
have already voted on it
and it doesn't feel altogether
great to have to tell you this.
You're not home-schooled, Mr. Hefner.
And working most days at a
dry-cleaner's, Mr. Wekselbaum,
means that you're not either.
You've been barred from the competition.
You're welcome to stay and observe if you like.
You know, we... we, uh...
Might have actually won the whole thing.
Probably not if you really
apply powers of reason to it.
So that's... so... so...
uh... so that's... that's it?
Come and visit me sometime, if you want.
We'll reminisce about this and what it means.
Teen sexual experimentation in these programs...
Well, uh... uh...
- today was not my day.
- Okay?
But... but, uh... but... but, uh...
some... someday will be.
And... and on... on that day,
you... you will be sitting at home alone.
At home.
And you'll... you'll think to
yourself... when you're alone
that... that... that...
I knew him when.
Him being me.
Anarchy is not only the best system in
which to encourage adult maturation,
it is also the best system in which
to encourage sexual liberation.
Don't you dare go thinking
this was easy for me or simple!
If you think my feelings on the matter were clear,
then you'd be underestimating my complexity.
And while I see that you
don't recognize this now,
you actually have me to thank... in part,
modesty forces me to acknowledge,
but in large part... for your newfound
zest of competition and gamesmanship.
That was very clever of you, to find Ben.
Surprisingly clever and very painful.
Which means that I upped your game, little man.
You're welcome!
Liberation breeds liberation, I.E. Sexual
freedom inspires political freedom.
At the heart of all Liberty
is the Liberty to engage...
Sir?
I will have one of...
I'll have one of the...
I'll have a slice of your...
the... of...
one of your... one of your...
I'll have a slice of the... of the...
the... the... one of... what...
I mean, you can imagine it's not fish
because you don't have any fish here.
At least I hope not.
It's good. Um...
But I'll have a slice of the... of your...
one of your... um, slices of the... the...
the... the... the pizza.
You can pay me when you're through.
You know, why don't I make it not just...
not... not just... not... not one...
not one slice, but, uh,
I'll have... I'll have...
not one.
I'm gonna close up in a bit.
Why don't you just take all three?
Otherwise they're getting trashed.
Yes!
Thank you. Thanks.
Eventually, all of this would pass.
And the memory of it
would give way to embellishment
and fantasy and outright distortion
until it was hard for Hal Hefner to remember
what he was really like back then.
When he still carried in his head the sound of
a made-up perfect voice,
the voice that could speak its heart,
the voice he used to wish he had,
until the day he stopped wishing
he sounded like anyone else
and just started talking as he was.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
But, uh, listen...
What do you... what do you...
I mean, what are your thoughts on...
Like on... on...
on love?
Oh, man, it's so late, Hal.
I, um...
I couldn't find the... the off-ramp.
And I ended up circling back three times.
And, uh...
I don't even know if I know how
to get you back to Plainsboro.
You know, it shouldn't be...
shouldn't... it really shouldn't be like rocket,
uh... shouldn't be rocket, um...
( sighs ) Sometimes, I don't know,
I guess I just wonder when
it all starts to make sense, you know?
All what?
All this. You know, everything.
Oh.
Well, I guess there comes a point,
you see, when you reach a certain age
and you're in Jersey,
or someplace just like it,
and...
You stop trying to figure it all out.
You just...
Are glad for what you have.
Oh.
And that... that... that...
that just, like, happens for everyone?
Yeah. Pretty much.
But you let me know if it
turns out different for you.
I'll do that.
I'll find...
A... away... a good...
some good way
of letting you know how it all works out.
Significance, harms, inherency,
topicality, solvency.
Quiet, please. Cell phones off, please.
Judges ready?
Timer ready?
The affirmative will please begin.
It will come as no surprise to the judges,
our esteemed opponents from Townsend
Prep, nor really to anyone at all
in the audience that we, the
affirmative from Plainsboro high,
do hereby support this year's
national policy debate resolution,
which I am supposed to recite now,
as if after an entire school year
it could still somehow be unknown to any of us.
That is ridiculous. Therefore,
instead of senselessly repeating it,
I will offer up a moment of silence
during which I'd like every one of you
to say the resolution aloud. It will
be a final communal act for all of us,
the high school policy debaters of New Jersey.
Ready, set, go.
Resolved... for those of you
who aren't done, I apologize,
but there's a reason why I'm
up here and you're down there,
and if you please, right now, we're going
to go at my pace. Hang on if you can.
Our plan today is succinct. Only by
becoming a fully socialist regime,
will the United States government
ever emerge as the true moral leader
of the free world, and thus
create a lasting peace.
Therefore we support an amendment to
the constitution of the United States
to outlaw all political parties that do not
embrace socialism as their core philosophy.
On the stage of the New Jersey state
high school policy debate championships
that spring night stood Ben Wekselbaum
of Plainsboro high.
To anyone who ever heard Ben debate
there was one thing that was undeniable:
He had a voice.
Even then, on that may night,
a real voice.
You're all wondering, "when on earth
is he going to get to farming subsidies?"
At long last the link to farming,
which is no doubt obvious by now,
agricultural societies collapse under
capitalism and thrive under socialism.
And agriculture has always
been a necessary industry.
- Without agriculture...
- As Ben Wekselbaum
set out the complexities of their plan,
his partner was biding her time,
picturing how it would look up there...
the only trophy missing from
her crowded, gleaming shelf.
One team on the affirmative,
arguing for the resolution.
The other on the negative, tearing it down.
This year's national resolution is specifically
about farming subsidies, not socialism.
By overstepping the resolution, they
haven't met their prima fascie burden
to defend said resolution and
should be considered untopical.
Subsidies are at their heart an extension
of socialism... that's from Gutierrez, '03.
That the negative team has no legitimate
arguments against socialism isn't our fault.
They didn't penetrate the subject
as deeply as they should have.
To suggest that we haven't refuted
the very basis of socialism
is fallacious and specious.
I refer you again to the quotes
my partner read regarding...
- And so it goes.
- The high school debate,
like the war that rips through your city
and ravages everything in its path;
kids wielding words like weapons
and brandishing ideas like axes.
Nothing else mattered in that final round.
There was no world beyond it.
Except that 46 miles away
Hal Hefner was at home... just sitting at home
like nothing or none of New Jersey
was burning around him.
We're gonna have to break up the set.
What am I gonna do?
Put it all in a garbage bag?
My stuff's not gonna fit in a garbage bag.
Yeah, put it in a garbage bag!
Here, keep the deodorant.
Why don't you go down to the basement?
There's another set down there.
Quit slamming the drawers.
Oh, come on! You're gonna break the drawers.
Give me a break. I'm taking this.
I hope you don't mind,
because you took everything else of mine.
On that may night Hal Hefner
had hardly a voice at all.
Charlotte.
Could you not do that? Because I may
have to come back and get some stuff.
- See ya.
- No, no.
Don't take that bag.
Hey, Hal.
Earl, I'm...
I'm taking these. I'm not going
to be living here anymore
and that's why I'm taking the suitcases.
Just leave the big bag with the rest of the set.
Lord, this is so you!
Here's your suitcase.
( Sighs )
You guys are going to be all right.
And I'll...
I'll see you sometime soon.
I don't know what else to say.
I can't put it into words.
( Ben talking faintly )
Back on the stage of the state championships
the night at last revealed itself
as not just any night,
but as the night, the night when it all began.
Ben Wekselbaum, the best voice
to ever debate for PHS,
Plainsboro high,
according to anyone who ever heard him...
that Ben Wekselbaum,
he just went quiet.
Our next advantage basically says
that human relations can only thrive
in an atmosphere of total equality.
That human relations can only exist...
Sorry, I just said that.
Wait, wait, wait.
Ben?
46 miles apart, at the very same moment,
all the arguments stopped.
So there was this bridge of
silence spanning New Jersey.
No shouting from Hal's parents,
no debating, no voice.
No one's voice at all.
That year's national debate
topic was farming subsidies.
And if you don't know how farming subsidies
could inspire all this commotion,
then you don't know life
and there's nothing that can be said about it.
Suitcases end marriages and farming
subsidies launch cataclysms.
Can a voice travel from one person to another,
sure it can.
That's our position:
That the will to speak traveled that night
across the dark New Jersey highways
until it arrived on this very block,
where it would take up residence,
or try to, in someone new.
Gladys, let's go!
Timeliness is an important part of it.
- Heston.
- Earl.
( Muttering ) I'll just have the... just the...
just the... just the...
just the pizza, thanks.
Thank you.
What kind of a name
is O. Henry?
Not a pseudonym, that we all know;
but...?
How about nom de plume?
Does nom de plume sound right?
It sounds right to me. It was
toward the end of the reading
that no one seems to have completed.
Open your books to page 248.
Let's do the reading that should
have been done last night.
Fish or pizza?
Yeah, I'll have the pizza.
Fish or pizza?
I'll have the...
the pizza's plain or pep.
Fish is... not sure.
Like general fish.
Yeah, I'll have the...
the... the...
the, uh...
the... not... not the...
I'll just... just...
- just...
- the fish?
The general fish...
Please.
Come back for seconds. Plenty left.
Thank you, Ma'am.
- Fish or pizza?
- Pizza.
Do you want to keep on trying
the breathing exercises,
or something new?
Is it all right if I... if I
don't have an opinion?
Let's try this.
( Whispering ) I read in this journal,
"clinical pathways to speech pathology,"
that it's hard to be anything but fluent
when you whisper or sing.
I sent away for a videotape
of some people trying that out.
Not a solution, obviously,
but wanna give it a shot?
I can't... I can't... I can't...
I can't do this.
Isn't this too stupid, honoria?
Even for honoria.
This is too stupid. I can just feel it.
I explained this, Hal,
that this is not my specialty.
I'm sorry, I'm trying.
It's really a shame that you're not hyperactive,
because that I know well.
And that I can work miracles with...
hyperactivity.
But...
- Back to breathing.
- Yeah?
Breathe.
Good, come on.
It was 1858,
and while senator Stephen
Douglas set out his case
that states ought to choose
whether to allow slavery,
Abraham Lincoln consulted
with the smart citizens of Illinois
to plot his answer.
Lincoln's a chick.
Let me find now a citizen
to assist me in coming up with arguments
against senator Douglas.
Where can I find such a citizen helper?
The commoner in the striped plum-colored shirt...
we need you, Sir.
Rise to your duty.
- Come on!
- Get up there.
My assistant has come to offer me arguments
in my debate against the senator.
Ha!
Now I'm quaking.
What cannot a house divided against itself do?
It is this argument that will lead me to victory.
What cannot it do?
( Exhales ) Uh...
It... it...
hold it further away from your mouth.
What cannot a house divided do?
It can't...
can't sta...
can't... can't...
Mr. President...
A house divided can't...
some help from the citizenry.
It can't stand.
I thought it would shit itself.
Thank you.
How about a round of applause
for the good commoner?
"Stephen Douglas": Ladies
and gentlemen, the silence
with which you have listened to Mr.
Lincoln during his hour...
You look taller onstage.
Agnes.
Agnes. Agnes.
Agnes.
I'm trying not to listen, okay?
Distinctly not to... you're
like one foot away, so just...
do you wanna hear your problem?
You've no agenda.
Strictly head-in-the-ground material.
Look at me.
Look at me.
I wake up every morning and what do I do?
I create an agenda for the day,
which is a sub-agenda for the month,
which is in itself a pie sl...
which is in itself a pie slice
of my agenda for life.
Do you want to hear my purpose for today?
I... uh, I... no.
I... I... I can assure you
that I absolutely do not.
Probably call the cops on me anyway.
Hey, Adolf, switch with me.
Upsy-Daisy.
This is my seat.
Like all seats on this vehicle,
yours has been paid for with taxpayer money.
Which means that I or anyone else
has just as much right to it as you do.
In fact, given the distinction
between what your family
surely pays in taxes and mine,
I think it's safe to say the seat is
substantially more mine than yours.
Do you see now?
I'll be taking just a minute
to talk to the little man,
and then you can go on borrowing
my seat for as long as you like
until I want it again, right?
Coach Lumbly, with the pilgrim hat,
she teaches patterns of adult living.
She's on her third husband, name
of Wallace Lumbly. Wallace III.
It's a particular pattern she
doesn't lecture us on in class.
Anyway, she came up to me after a
presentation on egalitarianism
and said that although my argumentative
skills were at the fetal stage,
she sensed, somehow she intuited my potential
and she invited me on the team.
So now here I am two years later
doing the same thing with you...
recruiting,
ferreting out the debating
talent from the masses.
That's you.
I've ferreted you.
You mean... you mean
public speaking? Like, speaking...
In public?
No, I don't think that's...
that's not... that's not very...
resolved that the federal government
should support the teaching of abstinence
in public schools...
From sex.
It's a big step up from farming.
That was last year's resolution.
Yeah, I know.
Suit yourself.
But deformed people are the best.
Maybe it's because they have
a deep resource of anger.
It serves them well.
Were you trying to say thank you?
I thought you might be stuck
trying to say thank you.
You're welcome.
I'm sure this is awkward for the boys.
- Not one bit.
- Not one single bit.
I swear I'm more nervous than anyone.
Honestly, Jules, I'm a small-claims judge.
It's lucky I'm not dating someone from Trenton.
Is this a traditional Korean dish?
Because it has an exotic odor.
Uh, that's tuna casserole.
Use your finger!
Shut up!
My Dad hasn't dated anyone
before your Mom for six years.
Can, uh...
can we just not talk about that?
I got this by a tree stump in the park.
Look at this one.
Fire!
Then on Thursday...
it could have been any day but it wasn't;
it was Thursday...
for no good reason, something happened.
And it was like a little wave breaking over him.
Take aim...
And it said the name
G-i-n-n-y.
Ginny.
( Echoing ) The wave said the name Ginny.
Over and over.
- Ginny, Ginny, Ginny...
- Fire!
Zero points, Hal Hefner.
Ginny.
The etymology of the word spreading is unclear
but we believe it to be a blending
together of speed and reading, spreading.
All it is is jamming as many arguments
into your time as you humanly can.
Here we go... the effects
of early sexual relations
include transition of diseases,
out-of-wedlock pregnancies
and a host of potential illnesses...
a host of potential illnesses,
including depression
and low self-esteem.
Consider contention one earlier.
Participation in the program is 53%
more likely to yield positive results.
You know, the other thing
that I wanted to tell you
is that you even look like this
guy I used to debate with...
in a shorter, goofier kind of way.
And what would you be doing here
looking enough like this guy
if it wasn't for me to discover you
and what talents are hidden within?
Hi.
Hi.
Resolved that Hal Hefner should
really stop letting the world
tell him what's possible and try
and figure it out for himself.
Maybe that's a life's philosophy
suited just to some of us who Cherish winning.
So maybe it's not for you,
but I think that it is.
The quality of life among teens who refrain...
Before this,
there was the nothingness
of Plainsboro, New Jersey.
But now Hal Hefner suddenly had only one thought.
And it felt like all his life his brain
had been waiting for this thought,
so comfortably now did it fit in
and take up all the room there was.
You're on my street.
You're still on my street.
Do you... do you have any idea
what public property is?
We'll see.
My Mom, Fern, says it's public property,
and if it's okay with your Mom
you can come have 7-up with me,
but the icemaker's busted, so...
Hi.
You want to sit down and listen to an old couple
work on their marriage through some music therapy?
I'm upstairs!
Uh, uh...
uh, no thanks.
Not... not... not today.
I have a request in for binoculars
for my 12th birthday, so...
We'll see about that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Who, uh...
who is that?
Beats me. Hey, do you know if she wears a bra?
Wanna see a bra?
Yeah, uh... I should... I should really...
I should... should...
I should really probably go home now, Lewis.
Okay.
Uh, Judge Pete?
Judge Pete? Your honor?
- Hmm?
- Do you...
Know any, uh, do you know any lawyers...
great lawyers who can't talk very well?
Not... not fluent, but yet great lawyers
whose clients don't end up getting the chair?
Uh...
Oh, there's a bailiff with a prosthetic leg.
What are you thinking, Laverne?
Hi.
I, uh... I talked to Ms...
- to Mrs...
- which is it, anyway?
To... to uh...
to the coach, and, um,
I'm... I'm... I'm gonna come
inside for debate prep now,
uh, thanks to you.
Someone took something of mine.
I had a locket. I had a 24-karat gold deco locket
with two pictures inside.
Is this ringing any bells?
One was of me, the other was of someone else...
a boy, of sorts.
What's a... a deco?
My mother believes that one of
her pseudo friends stole it,
because he, or even she, is secretly a pedophile
and wanted the locket to stare into or suck on
or utilize for other specific erotic purposes.
But I told her that I have this hunch...
I have this womanly hunch
that it was taken out of my
backpack by someone at P.H.S.
It's like I sensed it leaving my presence.
Just an ounce...
but a burning ounce as it left my person.
Well, I don't... I don't think that
the pedophile thing could be true.
Not that I, uh, even really
know anything about that.
But, I just don't believe that anyone
would really think of you like that.
Like what?
I mean, just, uh, sexually, I mean.
That's the worst thing anyone's ever said to me.
- Wait, no!
- I can't believe you said that.
No no, I didn't... no...
I never should have asked you to join the team.
God only knows what I was thinking.
But, I didn't... no...
Earl.
Thief.
- Yes?
- I...
Here! I... I stole it.
Shouldn't you be at school?
You took the locket, you weaselhead!
- Get out!
- You left my theft box a shit-faced mess.
Don't ever touch the stuff I steal!
I mean it! I steal it, it's mine!
You should put that on your business card!
I'm gonna tan your hide, you fake thief!
You god-awful make-believe thief!
Judge Pete is gonna lock you up.
Get your own mother effing plan!
If you tell anyone I stole it,
I'm gonna wipe my ass with you, chopstick,
and I'm gonna reach in your eye
sockets and tear out your pancreas.
I'm hiding my theft box
where you'll never find it.
This is ridiculous!
And stay out!
( Grunting )
It's for you, Annabelle.
Uh...
Uh, he... uh...
is this the Hefner mansion?
Um, uh, I...
yeah, uh,
can you... can you hold on for a second?
I'm just gonna, um... uh...
I'm just gonna move. But stay on.
You can hang up now, Earl.
You can hang up now, Earl!
Oh, okay.
You're the boss of me.
( Hal sighing )
The boy whose picture I keep
in the locket that you stole,
did you see him?
Uh, yeah, he...
His name's Ben Wekselbaum. We debated together
until he freaked out at the final round at states
and left me with a lousy second-place trophy.
I've never felt anything like that.
Have you ever felt like you
could burn the world down?
Every day.
Well, he dropped out of high school
and though he never did have the decency to call,
I heard through the grapevine that
his Grandmother got him a job
at the world-renowned Louise
dry-cleaners in Trenton.
I... yeah, I don't think
that I've ever heard of it.
Right. Anyway, ultimately it's a good thing
that the spirit of cowardliness
overtook Ben Wekselbaum,
left my partner arrangement free this year,
allowed me to find someone that I can mold
into the kind of bare-knuckles
debater that I want to debate with.
The best debaters are the ones
with something to prove...
I, trying to rise above the
fiasco of last year's states,
and you trying to prove to the world that
you're not as retarded as you sometimes sound.
Which is why I want you to
overlook the embarrassment
that comes with having taken my locket
and join up with the team after all.
You're on dishes tonight, Virginia.
I'm on an important phone call, is what I'm on.
They're all important calls in
the world of Virginia Ryerson.
I have to go. I'll see you
at my house on Saturday.
- You're helping me with research.
- Yeah, oh, uh...
Ginny, are you... are you still there?
Oh, I am, Katherine, yes,
and it's a good thing I am.
- Earl!
- If you think you're gonna get a long-term
girlfriend without my permission,
you got another think coming.
You'll never sleep safe again. Not ever.
Don't do it, little shit! Don't do it!
Try not to steal anything if you can.
Cut it out and come inside.
Close the door behind you.
Sit down. You're finding me
quotes in the affirmative.
So, uh...
What do... what do you believe
in when it comes to abstinence?
Top debaters never really believe in anything.
It gets in the way of arguing from both sides.
But I mean, like,
for you, like in your own life.
Debate is life. You shouldn't think
about it in any other context.
- Because in my mind, I don't...
- I don't really think it's...
A very good idea.
Abstinence, I mean.
Because, um, I just...
Don't think it's a very good idea,
not for kids in New Jersey.
Okay, well, that's enough tangential bullshit.
Write down these template
arguments against abstinence:
One, supporting it violates the
barrier between church and state;
two, it's an enforcement
of a dated, sexist agenda;
three, sexual freedom is
the basis of human freedom;
four, it separates us from western
cultures, Europe in particular,
when we should be drawing closer
to our international allies;
five, psychologists say that repressed
sexual functions can create adult neuroses;
six, abstinence programs actually increase
risky sexual behavior among teens;
seven, it creates barriers between
free-love-generation parents
and their more conservative children;
eight, and finally, we oppose
abstinence because the world might end
and then basically everyone
we know dies a virgin.
Wow.
Yeah, all those when you think about it.
In preparation for our first
official debate exercise next week
show me that you can argue
in favor of abstinence.
Well, um...
I think I may be better arguing
from from the other side of this.
How.
Um...
The only one that I could... that I could really...
that I could really come up with was...
that, uh, love is... it's more special
when you... when you do find it.
The special-love case.
Probably that stinks,
but I'll think about it some more
and we'll see.
Dad says he and Mom have done every
one of these at least twice,
and some as many as 100 times.
But he says no one's keeping count,
which seems like a big waste
'cause he could be the Kama Sutra
Barry bonds or something
and no one would even know it.
Yeah, I tried this one with my pants on.
On Winchester, our old dog.
But he wouldn't sit still and he died a month later.
Mmm, hot and spicy.
Descartes. Man, oh man.
Hey, would you be interested in joining my club?
The junior philosophers.
Oh, uh, well, I uh...
I... my plate is kind of full.
I know what you're thinking.
We read everything, but no Hagel,
if that's your concern.
No, uh, actually I'm waiting for a girl.
That girl.
You know what you can do for me right now
is write up some more flow charts.
Oh, thanks.
Okay.
Once I was your age,
just as quiet on the inside as
most of you novice debaters are.
Quiet as a mouse.
Or a stone.
Or a bowl of pudding.
And then I saw my first debate
and the pudding was no more.
None of you novices understands me now. You will.
Until then, the thing to remember
is there are rules that must be followed.
That's debate.
And that's life.
Our exercise today is an accelerated
run-through of a complete debate round
to teach you those rules.
Why is the Hal Hefner bowl of pudding
allowed to demonstrate to us?
Uh, he's first year that's true.
But Miss Ryerson
has assured me that he's a quick study
and a rare talent, and he will
instruct and enlighten us today.
Our debate begins with Ginny,
the first affirmative,
delivering an eight-minute opening speech.
For our purposes, Ginny will
synopsize that down to 10 seconds.
Good afternoon, ladies and germs.
Our affirmative case today in effect
states that increased teenage pregnancies
will eventually bankrupt social
security, destroy the economy
and result in the third world war.
Therefore, we will quadruple the
federal spending given only to schools
that teach abstinence to their students.
Thank you.
That was lucid, thank you.
Now there's a two-minute cross-examination,
second negative to first affirmative.
Crystal Hamish-Steinberg is the second negative.
Crystal Hamish-Steinberg, would
you give us an exemplary question
that you would ask?
Have you ever heard of Bangladesh?
The perfect tease.
Now the women may sit while
the first negative rises
to respond to Ginny. Phillip?
Rather than attack the affirmative case,
Crystal Hamish-Steinberg
and I propose the following.
We Grant all the harms
claimed by the affirmative,
but state that the better way
to combat teenage pregnancy
is by pouring money into a huge rock concert
that we'll call the "concert for sexlessness."
Thank you.
Now the first affirmative
cross-examines the first negative.
Do you have statistics on how many
rock stars practice abstinence?
How many rock stars in the historic
concert for Bangladesh were Bangladeshi?
I'll ask the questions here, Phillip.
The combatants sit.
Now Hal Hefner wows us
with his second affirmative,
another eight-minute speech
boiled down here to 10 seconds.
Uh...
There were three immediate lines of argumentation
that came to mind.
But the best one went like this:
The plans are not mutually exclusive.
Increased funding for school programs
doesn't preclude the negative team's badly named
"concert for sexlessness."
The government can and should do them both.
Uh, the...
Hal Hefner visualized himself in that moment
as the kind of kid who can state,
"the plans are not mutually exclusive,"
whenever he wants to say so.
The plans are not mutually exclusive.
The plans are not... no, they are...
they are not mutually exclusive.
I'll be handling Hal Hefner's cross-ex and rebuttal
until the first actual debate tournament
against other actual schools.
Until then, he will be my silent partner.
Hal Hefner, sit down.
Do you know what I sounded
like the first speech I gave
when I was your age?
Ben told me I sounded like
a Bob Dole impersonator.
I don't...
I'm not even really...
I'm not even quite sure who that even is.
That was your first try,
your first of many.
And I don't even think anybody really noticed.
It really... it wasn't that big a...
so...
We should get back. Well, I should
get back and finish the round...
Resolved that the Federal Government
should support the teaching
of abstinence in public schools.
Resolved!
The mother effing federal government should
support the teaching of abstinence
in mother effing, fucking public schools!
Resolved!
Do you... do you guys, um...
do you know how, um... how... how
you, or one,
would take a relationship to the next level?
I'm glad you came to me, because...
This is exactly the sort of
problem that mommy and daddy
would royally screw up.
See, it's all about having an agenda,
which they will never tell you.
If you have a plan, like "today,
I'm getting a blowjob,"
it helps you to realize it.
It's all very scientific.
Mm-hm. Yeah, I'm uh...
I'm... I'm... I'm just a doubter
that giving me a... a BJ
is high on Ginny's list.
You're her partner, right?
So you wait until the moment is right.
Like after you crack a good... a really good joke.
Like the one that I crack
about the Queen of England,
and then ask.
It is totally worth the risk.
And you never know.
Once you've had a blowjob, you'd understand.
It's like...
It's like walking through a brick wall.
You know, Ginny said that I won't be her...
her, um, her real partner for months.
And that until then, I'm like...
The mascot.
The disfluent mascot.
The disfluent mascot who's not getting a BJ.
Like the aardvark.
No, that... that was a joke, Heston.
There is no... there isn't a debate mascot.
I, for some reason, was
convinced it was an aardvark.
No.
C'est la vie.
Hey, uh, can I...
I just...
What?
Oh, uh, I just wanted...
I wanted to try, uh, this joke out on you.
It's, well, uh... it's, well, the delivery
is kind of tricky, so...
What happens is that the Queen of England
goes onto this... this television show, and...
Listen, I'm almost done with this chapter.
It's Thomas Aquinas.
But if you continue telling me that filthy joke,
I'm gonna put this book down.
And punch you very hard.
You know, some... well, someday you'll find love.
And then... then everything will be different.
Mas... mas...
uh, masturbation is a natural
precursor of adult sexual development
and it should be unfettered
in a child's learning.
Johnson, '98.
Her plans changed.
Virginia says to keep on working hard
and she'll call you to let you
know when you should come on over.
Well, because the Hazlet
tournament is almost here, and...
Just keep on keeping on,
and maybe she'll call you.
Hi, there.
Do you know...
Do you know if Ginny Ryerson is okay?
Because she canceled our time today
and we have a... we have a
big tournament coming up,
at Hazlet high school, and all the
major Jersey schools will be there.
And I... and, uh, she hasn't...
she hasn't really, uh,
told me what her strategy is gonna be to help me
deal with my... with my speech.
She got into a Lincoln with that Indian guy.
- And you're back.
- Is Ginny all right?
Because Lewis Garrles from across the street
said she got into a Lincoln with an Indian man.
A boy, that's right.
- So, she... but she's fine?
- Fine.
You, could... will you just tell her
that... that I'm done and over
with the masturbation defense?
Tell her that, will you? Just assure her
that I'm... that I'm... that I'm...
that I'm done with masturbation
and I'm ready to show her.
You take care now.
I told Judge Pete about all
the fun you've been having
with debate, and guess the news?
Heston's a joiner.
Uh, yeah, um...
it's... it's too late, Heston.
The, um...
the teams have all been settled.
Coach Lumbly said that after the first tournament
someone always gets creamed and never comes back.
So, I'll be filling that slot,
whomevers that may be.
To discover opportunity
there's sense in that.
That's how I found you, my love.
Hello? Connie Ryerson speaking.
Uh...
Virgil? Is that you?
Uh!
Uh...
Uh, uh...
Uh, this is, uh... this, uh...
this is, uh... this is...
Hal Hefner for, um... for...
call... I'm... I'm calling for, uh...
G-i-n-n-y... Ginny.
Hold the line.
( Softly ) Hi, Ginny. It's Hal.
Hey, Hef here. What's up?
Hal?
Uh, yeah... yeah?
She says she'll see you at
the debate tomorrow. Okay?
Okay, well, we...
we... um, I really... I really...
we... I really... we need to, uh...
practice with her.
She'll see you then.
Hello?
Good morning, Judge. Good
morning, our esteemed opponents.
N... let's...
let's begin with our plan.
That the Federal Government should...
Shut the mumbling, Susie.
But do not stop working,
because if you fail tomorrow,
the whole Hefner family fails
too, and I am not a failure.
So do not do it!
Uh...
Good morning there, Judge...
Good morning, our esteemed opponents.
When you work so hard at something,
so hard, all that extra time...
Wallace, you always tell me balance
out, balance out, balance out...
What are you talking about?
Ginny Ryerson has transferred to Townsend Prep
for the rest of her senior year.
We have an even number.
So, Hal, you'll muddle through today with Heston
and we'll reconstitute the teams tomorrow.
Let's go, Wallace.
Would you like to tell me
what our affirmative case is?
Or would you rather it be a surprise?
Uh...
Good... good... good morning there, Judge.
Good, uh... good... good...
good morning to you, uh...
Both, you, our esteemed opponents.
Good morning, uh...
The...
ab... ab...
that, uh...
resolved that... that...
that... that... that... that, uh...
that it, uh...
How much time, timer?
Yeah, hello?
Mr... Mr... uh... um, Mr...
Hal? What's the matter?
It's... it's, uh... it's, uh,
well, it's funny that you ask, actually.
Um, I've... I'm just... I'm just here at, um...
I'm at... I'm at... I'm at Hazlet...
Hazlet high school, at the debate.
And spent the last... I've...
I spent the last seven minutes of my round-one speech
trying... trying to say the resolution.
- Oh, man.
- Yeah.
Well, there's that video I gave
you, "singing instead of talking."
Yeah, did, uh... did rat poison and
a straw come with that video?
Well, my ex-girlfriend, the PhD at Annenberg,
she used to say her brother never
stuttered if he spoke in an accent.
You could try the accent you know best,
and maybe that would help.
Well, anyway, I wouldn't count on it.
Mina's advice was about
as far-fetched as she was.
You know, open relationships just...
Don't work, Hal.
What?
Uh, I'm advising...
That you should try to do an accent.
- Okay?
- If I do that
you won't see... you won't see me on Monday.
'Cause I'll already be... I'll be on a...
I'll probably be on a plane to...
can you hold on for a sec?
Okay, I should...
I should, mayb... maybe I should...
I should probably go.
( Asian accent ) Good afternoon,
esteemed opponents from Glen rock.
Good afternoon. Let's get our... let...
let's, uh... let... let...
let's get, uh, down and...
down and... down and dirty,
shall we, with this... this thing...
this thing... this thing...
this thing I'll call our plan.
Excuse me, I'm...
I'm... I'm...
I'm... I'm really sorry.
Slice of pizza or sloppy Joes,
and I don't want to debate about it.
I'll take the pizza.
Townsend Prep's just a
really, really good school.
Slice of pizza or sloppy Joes
and I don't want to debate you on it.
Pizza, two slices.
Slice of pizza, sloppy Joes, and
I don't want to debate about it.
Um...
I'll... I'll have the...
not the... the, um...
- the, um...
- We're out of pizza.
Sloppy Joes are all that's left.
But they're not that terrible if you've
never had really good ones before.
Thank you, ma'am.
She's not here.
Ginny and I don't eat at tournaments...
draws blood from the brain.
Will cause special love in adulthood.
I just... I don't...
I don't really know what to do here.
Well, um, this is the girls' room.
So...
Okay.
I want to read, also, what one Judge wrote
about Virginia. She wrote:
"Virginia may be the next Barbara Jordan."
How about that?
First place, individual speaker...
Virginia Ryerson.
( Whispering ) Where's the trophy?
Thank you.
Hal Hefner, stay a moment, would you?
I'm gonna regroup.
Um, let's be adults here
and think about who could use...
A little time on the sidelines.
Ginny recruited me.
- Okay?
- She intuited...
intuited that I... that I...
that my... that my brain was made for this.
I mean, you can't even...
you can't even ask me a question
without my brain filling up with retorts.
It's... it's full of retorts.
Do you know Mento Buin,
who doesn't speak more than six words of English?
Or Evie Spedarsky,
who has such pronounced irritable bowel syndrome
that she's being studied by a team at Princeton?
No.
What about Elvis Hunsinger,
the boy who pees himself in gym class?
Well, everybody knows...
Elvis.
She tried to recruit them all.
Never crossed my mind that this
could be some scheme of hers,
but, when you think about it
looks pretty pat.
Your Mom's running late but wants us to...
hey, now.
Wait a minute. Let me see.
Oh, Jesus!
Man, oh man!
The most Heston ever hauled
in was an honorable mention
in the hip-hop danceathon.
But this is too much coming from you!
On behalf of your Dad...
This goes on the dining room table for
your Mom to see when she gets home.
Whoo!
My Dad told me I was the world's utmost idiot
for not realizing you won something today.
Please accept my belated congratulations.
- Hello?
- Hello, Sylvia.
Fern didn't say anything about
Lewis's friends stopping by!
I get paid per kid!
She can't be going to bed.
Resolved!
Sylvia, no tip for you tonight.
Fuck!
There's a cello in your house now.
I hate you!
Mommy and Judge Pete hate you!
Daddy hates you!
Melody, daddy's new girlfriend, hates you.
That bottle was Reposado, you doofus dunce!
Uncle Chaz spent big bucks on that.
Uncle Chaz hates you!
That's all I wanted to say.
There's pineapple cake in the fridge.
If you're late I'll eat the
whole cake, so don't be late.
Maybe you should put the whole
debate thing behind you,
all a... a lark of adolescence.
We all have 'em.
Mine was cheerleading.
I was the one boy on the cheerleading squad.
Imagine that, huh?
Give me a "H," uh-uh-uh.
Give me a "a,"
uh-uh-uh.
Give me a "l," uh-uh-uh.
What does that spell?
Hal.
That... that image is...
is not really helping.
Just... just because debate was a wipeout,
I mean, you know, a colossal wipeout,
doesn't mean that you're a failure.
It's the activity that failed you.
Hey, there's nothing to say you
couldn't try for the Spanish club.
You could be Spanish club
vice president in no time.
Kyle Felowitz is El vice presidente.
Yeah.
My point, Hal, is that
you have to get out of your own way here, man,
go back to living the way you
were before you tried to exceed
your... your limitations.
Hal Hefner floated above his life,
saw the world around him
as if he were just a ghost
floating through.
Nothing could harm him now.
Nothing could move him or make him love again.
He was that kind of ghost.
The kind that couldn't love again.
Observation 1-a.
Diversion is the norm.
Quoting from the "journal
of adult sexuality" '74:
The root cause of sexual dysfunction are many...
As a boy ghost,
Hal Hefner surveyed the world as he knew it.
And in everything he saw was
evidence that life goes on
with or without love.
He had stopped thinking about the girl,
had stopped dreaming about her,
or, even if that wasn't entirely true,
had stopped dreaming a certain
kind of dream about her.
Well, maybe most of the time.
Then spring came...
11 months after his father left;
six months since he last saw Ginny;
and six since they'd kissed.
Over and over again!
Just stop! I just want us to be buddies.
Be buddies with yourself!
Boys...
Your Mom and I are over.
That's according to her.
She said that it was all her,
that it's always all her
and could we be buddies?
This is a very complicated
adult relationship.
This is why your Dad left.
You're just so messed up!
( Whimpering )
Shit!
Good god!
Mommy! Mommy! Hal's freaking out in the garage!
This is gonna turn out bad, I can feel it.
Virginia Ryerson, please come to the main office.
Virginia Ryerson, you have a
visitor in the main office.
Are you her little brother?
You look like you could be her little brother.
I'm... I'm her ex-lover.
Take a seat. She'll be with you in a minute.
So how far did you get with her?
Does... does it count as second base
when it's groping through the shirt?
Maybe in public school.
What are you doing here?
Oh, uh, uh...
I...
I have, uh... it's spring break at Plainsboro.
I have... I have the... the day off.
Okay.
I'm going back to
A.P. Latin now.
Wait... I'm... I'm returning this to you.
It belongs to you and...
and it's important to me that you have it.
It's your Hazlet trophy.
I had a bad night, but I'm better now.
I don't want the trophy.
I'm... I'm gonna go back to class.
You need to leave.
Wait... every... every... every...
everybody has their own path!
And, uh...
Security, please report to the main office.
Need you to deal with a...
Stuttering boy in the main office.
It was like he was pretending,
pretending that it could all be what it was.
But it can't.
You can only pretend for so
long before the forces that be
take that away from you.
Just like that, it took off
and he found himself sprinting.
It was ridiculous, but he did... he sprinted.
You don't let love collapse all
around you and not put up a fight.
You punch back,
unless you can find someone else
to throw the punch for you.
Then, by all means, do that.
Yeah?
Uh, I'm... I'm here from Plainsboro high,
and I've... I've, uh... I've come here to find you.
Wait in the front if you care to.
My shift ends on the hour.
Oh, I care to.
Yeah, well, that's fine. Wait in front.
That's God doing your dry-cleaning.
God does dry-cleaning.
He wears a smock.
Man, it's a blessing to be squarely and dearly
out of the Goddamn suburbs.
Suck the marrow right from you, the suburbs will.
And it takes years
in the big city to inject
the life back into you...
literal years.
You... you mean, the big city is...
is... is Trenton?
That's right... Trenton.
Oh.
Did Ginny send you?
Oh no, she doesn't... she doesn't...
she doesn't know anything.
- Lumbly?
- No, no. No.
Because if this is part of a grand
design to get me back to school...
You smell that bus exhaust?
That'll be what you leave behind
on your way back to Plainsboro without me.
Wait. The thing is, is that, uh...
What I want... what I want...
what I need is your help.
You don't even know me.
You... you do realize you're like...
you're like a legend at P.H.S., right?
Right, I'm the next Shelley Hasty.
Who is... who's she?
He. He supposedly drove a Chevy Nova
into the cafeteria in 1986.
There's a plaque somewhere next
to a water fountain in his honor.
Well...
I'm... I'm gonna be the next legend at P.H.S.
And that's... that's not gonna
happen for me any other way
than to win... uh, to win at states.
You're gonna win at states?
Yes.
Well... well... well, uh...
We are, yes.
It's so pointless.
That's the realization I came to at states
life is nothing but repetition,
the same thing over and over.
Somebody might give you a trophy
and that's supposed to
mean you're making progress,
but there's no such thing.
The fights you fight today
are the fights you fight till you die.
Yeah, well be... be that as it may...
Sure.
Be that as it may.
Wait, it's not some college-application bullshit
that is... that's like the driving
force here, or any bullshit.
I'm sure.
No, uh, do you want to know what it is?
Yeah. What it is, is...
What it... what it is, is...
uh, it's, uh...
is, uh, is...
no, what... what it is, is...
It's... well, it's love.
Well, if it's not that, then...
then it's the need for... for revenge
when... when love goes bad.
It's one of those two, love or revenge.
I'm not really sure which one.
But it's one of those two things
that made me throw a cello through
somebody's window. So you figure it out.
An actual cello?
I mean, like, yeah, like
symphony-size, as far as I know.
You know, that's pretty sharp in my book,
as far as reasons go.
Yeah, it took a bunch of throws,
but you know, I'm good for a bunch.
Have I got this right?
Your contention is that
we should debate as a team?
You, an inexperienced kid with a
bad and unpredictable stutter,
me, not having debated at all this year and
having no knowledge of the resolution.
In support of this, you basically offer up
that you threw a cello through someone's window.
It's charming, no question.
But is it persuasive?
Why not make the case
that, a: Allowing me to return
to states and win this year
will tie up that loose end
so that I can forge ahead
free from any of life's regrets;
that charitable enterprises such as this
would be the lifeblood of advanced civilizations
even, perhaps especially in
places like Trenton, New Jersey;
that while this life
here is infinitely preferable
to the wretchedness of the suburbs,
it's also not quite what I must have had in mind
and maybe I miss some of the
mundane thrills of policy debate.
Yeah, I mean, all of that.
This goes against my better judgment.
It does. But what we'll need
is one affirmative case
and one all-purpose negative counterplan.
We can't do a year's worth of work in one month,
so we'll concentrate on
those two lines of attack.
You'll have to arrange with your parents...
Do you have parents?
Oh, yeah, I have a...
a Mom that I see most days and...
and I see my Dad some weekends.
You'll have to come to some arrangement
with them or else let go of trying to
so that you can spend evenings and weekends here.
We'll register as a home-schooled team.
My grandmother will sign whatever
official paperwork is required.
But all such considerations wait on our priority,
and that's finding you your voice.
Suddenly, Trenton was a different city;
no longer a dead end but a starting place.
The very city of triumph.
Fire when ready!
( Quietly ) This isn't... this isn't
very good for one's spirit.
I can't hear you!
It's... it's spirit-crushing, I said.
Fine.
What should I say?
Give me your standard affirmative opening.
Yeah.
You know, I haven't really said
it enough for it to really be...
for it to be standard.
Throw me the cello!
Uh...
Let's get down and dirty.
Let's get down...
Let's... let's get...
let's get, uh...
Let's get... let us... let us...
uh, okay, let's just... let... let us...
It's a riddle.
Yeah, yeah.
What it is is one of those rare instances
where one of us having an advanced
college-degree might actually help.
I won't whisper.
It's a trick, but it's... it's, uh...
it's crap. It's a crap trick.
And I won't... I won't do an accent,
however good... however... however...
however good I may be at them.
So that just leaves... that's... that's just...
that's just singing.
Singing my speeches.
And then... and after that,
arran... arranging to have my...
have my... my...
have my ashes scattered
over the Plainsboro municipal pond.
You know, I've...
I've thought about the whole... the singing,
and, uh...
I don't think I can do it,
the song thing.
This is "the battle hymn of the Republic."
We might prefer something more modern, I realize,
but this is the only piece
I can play all the way through.
What you're gonna do
is just learn the song well
enough to keep it in your head,
to let it flow through you
as you speak-sing your speeches.
And we'll write to fit the rhyme.
We think our case will state
that sex is bound to be explored...
Abs... abstinence is the catalyst... - breathe.
- Breathe first.
- Abstinence is the catalyst...
to... to support such a... such a...
- a far-ranging... a far-ranging platform.
- I got it.
Go away!
That's Dad's.
I thought you could use a bigger suitcase...
one with an actual handle.
I swear, Penelope, I don't know what you would do
without someone in this family
who can steal and then organize.
Could I have a request, Earl?
If... if I win today,
could we say... could we say that
you... you'll stop calling me with girls' names?
Could we say that, if I win?
Let's not push it, shall we?
Besides, Penelope's my favorite girl's name.
All right, well, could we... could we
maybe just leave it with Penelope then?
Yeah, we can do that.
Thank you and welcome
to the 43rd annual New Jersey
state debate championships.
There are 22 schools represented here
from every region in the state.
Every preliminary round through the semifinals
will take place in the classrooms
in the adjacent academic buildings.
You'll only return to this
auditorium at the end of the day
for the final round
and the presentation of the trophy.
Now, before we begin,
I want you to give yourselves
a big round of applause.
That's right.
Now, pairings for the first
three rounds are randomized.
Then they're weighted by win-lose record.
Would you sign this?
It's my favorite brief of the year.
It says that abstinence leads to a global crisis
in mental health.
Aren't you that Chinese boy?
I'm K-Korean, yes.
And just... just so... just so
that you're... that you're aware,
it's really ignorant to lump us
all into one category like that.
You all can't win,
but you are all winners. Good luck to you.
You think our case will state that sex
is bound to be explored,
that adding funds for abstinence
is what I will have roared.
But such a case has been heard
so much that we are bored.
Our plan is, thus, not that.
Our... our... uh... uh...
our... our...
our government can best
support teaching abstinence
by refraining from the common and ugly arrogance.
Instead of telling us
we should never do the dance
they should adopt this plan:
Amend the constitution so that no one over 20
can serve in government,
there will be only kids a-plenty.
We'll... we'll... write the laws and fix sex ed,
and it won't cost a penny.
That's our basic plan.
What we'll... what we'll...
what we'll do is create a new Federal Government
where teenagers are only... are... are... are
the only... the only voices of authority.
By doing so... we'll help... we'll help create
a... a wider consensus among teens.
It's a more... it's a more Dem...
it's more... it's more...
it's a more Democratic system and democracy is
the very basis for love
as we'll argue below
in the rest of my song-speech.
Now, please... please turn to...
contingent... contingent one of our plan.
Now... now... now, this one's a
little harder to get the whole...
the whole... the kinda...
the... the rhyme scheme for it,
because... uh, because
of all the quotes that say...
that have "sexologist" in them
which isn't really...
it doesn't... it doesn't
really rhyme with too much.
But it basically... it basically goes like this:
The role... the role of the sexologist...
gentlemen, come with me.
- Ben.
- Marsha.
The bow tie, the pretty boutonniere?
Yes, Sir, it stirs the pot a little.
For me too, coach.
- No, don't do that.
- Excuse me, coach?
I'm... I'm... I'm like...
I'm a minute into my... into my opening.
And, uh... well, uh...
well, I've... well, uh...
well, I'm killing in there.
Aren't I killing?
I've heard worse.
She's... she's heard worse.
There was an objection raised
to your entering here today.
And the New Jersey league officials
have already voted on it
and it doesn't feel altogether
great to have to tell you this.
You're not home-schooled, Mr. Hefner.
And working most days at a
dry-cleaner's, Mr. Wekselbaum,
means that you're not either.
You've been barred from the competition.
You're welcome to stay and observe if you like.
You know, we... we, uh...
Might have actually won the whole thing.
Probably not if you really
apply powers of reason to it.
So that's... so... so...
uh... so that's... that's it?
Come and visit me sometime, if you want.
We'll reminisce about this and what it means.
Teen sexual experimentation in these programs...
Well, uh... uh...
- today was not my day.
- Okay?
But... but, uh... but... but, uh...
some... someday will be.
And... and on... on that day,
you... you will be sitting at home alone.
At home.
And you'll... you'll think to
yourself... when you're alone
that... that... that...
I knew him when.
Him being me.
Anarchy is not only the best system in
which to encourage adult maturation,
it is also the best system in which
to encourage sexual liberation.
Don't you dare go thinking
this was easy for me or simple!
If you think my feelings on the matter were clear,
then you'd be underestimating my complexity.
And while I see that you
don't recognize this now,
you actually have me to thank... in part,
modesty forces me to acknowledge,
but in large part... for your newfound
zest of competition and gamesmanship.
That was very clever of you, to find Ben.
Surprisingly clever and very painful.
Which means that I upped your game, little man.
You're welcome!
Liberation breeds liberation, I.E. Sexual
freedom inspires political freedom.
At the heart of all Liberty
is the Liberty to engage...
Sir?
I will have one of...
I'll have one of the...
I'll have a slice of your...
the... of...
one of your... one of your...
I'll have a slice of the... of the...
the... the... one of... what...
I mean, you can imagine it's not fish
because you don't have any fish here.
At least I hope not.
It's good. Um...
But I'll have a slice of the... of your...
one of your... um, slices of the... the...
the... the... the pizza.
You can pay me when you're through.
You know, why don't I make it not just...
not... not just... not... not one...
not one slice, but, uh,
I'll have... I'll have...
not one.
I'm gonna close up in a bit.
Why don't you just take all three?
Otherwise they're getting trashed.
Yes!
Thank you. Thanks.
Eventually, all of this would pass.
And the memory of it
would give way to embellishment
and fantasy and outright distortion
until it was hard for Hal Hefner to remember
what he was really like back then.
When he still carried in his head the sound of
a made-up perfect voice,
the voice that could speak its heart,
the voice he used to wish he had,
until the day he stopped wishing
he sounded like anyone else
and just started talking as he was.
You okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
But, uh, listen...
What do you... what do you...
I mean, what are your thoughts on...
Like on... on...
on love?
Oh, man, it's so late, Hal.
I, um...
I couldn't find the... the off-ramp.
And I ended up circling back three times.
And, uh...
I don't even know if I know how
to get you back to Plainsboro.
You know, it shouldn't be...
shouldn't... it really shouldn't be like rocket,
uh... shouldn't be rocket, um...
( sighs ) Sometimes, I don't know,
I guess I just wonder when
it all starts to make sense, you know?
All what?
All this. You know, everything.
Oh.
Well, I guess there comes a point,
you see, when you reach a certain age
and you're in Jersey,
or someplace just like it,
and...
You stop trying to figure it all out.
You just...
Are glad for what you have.
Oh.
And that... that... that...
that just, like, happens for everyone?
Yeah. Pretty much.
But you let me know if it
turns out different for you.
I'll do that.
I'll find...
A... away... a good...
some good way
of letting you know how it all works out.