Rock 'n' Roll Frankenstein (1999) - full transcript

You know how it is, Bernie, babe.
It's been a gas but I gotta move on.

Well before you move on I think there might
be something you might be forgetting.

It's called a motherfuckin' contract!

Get off it, Bernie. My lawyer's already told
me I could wipe my ass with that contract.

You better be careful what you wipe your
ass with because you might get a paper cut.

I can damn well wipe my ass with
anything I feel like wiping it with.

This sweet little ass is insured by Lloyds
of London for three million smackaroos.

It's an honor to get wiped by
a three million dollar ass.

How about I take a dump on the rug before I
split? Probably be worth a couple of grand.

You little fuckin' turd.
I fuckin' made you!

You made me?! You fat little shit
you almost ruined me.



Everyone in the biz told me I should've
dumped you after the second album.

I should've listened. You're out of touch.

Washed up. Eat shit, Bernie.

Fuck you! You're finished
in this fucking business!

You no-talent little fuckhole!
I made you and I can fucking bury you!

Cocksucker!

That's the last time
I get fucked like this.

Never again! Never again!
Never again!

The next goddamn star I make
I'm gonna own his goddamn ass.

This is a big moment, Mister Peepers.

If everything goes according to plan
we can accelerate to the

next stage of the rejuvenation process.

This cow head looks a lot like you did when
I first found you, Mister Peepers.

Of course, you were still alive.



Lucky for me or I wouldn't
have anyone to talk to.

Uncle Bernie.

Frankie, this is Iggy.

- Hi, Iggy.
- What's happening?

Look, if you're really ready
to get this show on the road

you're gonna need an assistant.

That's what Iggy is here for.

What's your specialty, Iggy?

I'm into drugs.

Oh, a chemist?

Enough with the small talk already.

I'm expecting to see some
results here today, Frankie.

My accountant tells me I already dumped
a hundred G's into your fuckin' shit.

Well, I'll try not to
disappoint you, Uncle Bernie.

Wow, far out! Elsie the cow.

Shut the fuck up, Iggy.

Now I'm filling this syringe
with cow embryo brains.

It's important that the Grey matter
come from an immature specimen.

I was able to cut open a pregnant cow at
the slaughterhouse and retrieve the embryo.

I don't need all the details, Frankie.

Well the important thing to remember here
is that the cow head I'm going to attempt

to revitalize has been dead for months.

I get the point.

Music to my fuckin' ears, kid!

Well it certainly looks like this
stage of the experiment is a success.

Great now we can get on with the real shit.
Iggy here's gonna get you

all the body parts you need.

Well, there's still one thing I'm
very concerned about, Uncle Bernie.

Yeah, what the fuck is that?

Well, I've already proven I can
revitalize lifeless body parts.

What concerns me is when I put them all
together into one single being I'm

not sure how they'll assimilate.

We're talking about taking some of the
greatest rockers the world has ever seen

and putting their best parts together.

How else can we come up with
anything but a superstar?

I don't know, Uncle Bernie,
it may not be that easy.

You worry too much, kid.

Dig in. Let's celebrate.

None for me, Uncle Bernie. I don't believe
in using mind-altering substances.

A mind is a terrible thing
not to get wasted.

And so the active phase of this
experiment is about to begin.

I can only hope my deepest fears
and trepidations are unfounded.

What I hope to discover is no
less than the secret of life.

I am elated at the prospect but at the same
time I feel an incredibly heavy burden.

Hey, Mister Peepers. Want a hit?

That's it, little buddy.
Get yourself a nice buzz going.

I still don't get why we're bringing
flashlights and shovels to this gig.

Yeah Iggy man, I don't get it. Like where
are the guitars and amps and stuff?

This is fucked up, man.
I'm a roadie not a ghoulie.

Don't worry, Curly. I'll take care of
the dirty work. I just need you

dudes to dig up the coffin.

Coffin? This is worse than working
the Black Sabbath reunion tour.

You want us to dig up Hendrix?!

That's like, sacrilege, man.

Mellow out dudes. What we're doing here
tonight is gonna make rock 'n' roll history.

We're gonna dig up genius instead
of letting it rot in a grave.

Fuck that. I want an extra hundred bucks.

You got it.

Hey Pete, you got any of
those acid tabs left?

No, I did them all this morning.

I got some dynamo
magic mushrooms though, man.

Lay one on me, man. I'm gonna need
my mind expanded to deal with this shit.

Make it a jumbo-size mushroom, man.

Wow. That's incredible, man.
Hendrix's hands look brand new.

Yeah, they sure look a lot
better than they did last night.

In another few hours
they'll be fully rejuvenated.

Wow you're a real genius Frankie man. How'd
you ever invent this rejuvenation stuff?

Well, it's actually a funny story.

When I got my start in the coroner's office
I needed a way of revitalizing

deteriorated corpses if I was gonna...

do things with them.

Oh.

Amazing.

Far fuckin' out. Peace, Jimi man.

You got it?

Getting into Graceland was a bitch, man.

Open it.

The King.

He definitely ain't got a
weight problem no more.

The final piece.

Final piece?
Aren't you forgetting something, kid?

I don't think so, Uncle Bernie.

What about his fuckin' hose?!

His hose?

His cock, his pecker, his penis
for Christ's sake.

Oh, penis. Actually I was considering
shaping a vagina for him.

It's a much more efficient organ.

A vagina?! Are you out of
your fuckin' gourd?!

Do you think I'm investing all this
time and money to end up with a

super star with a twat between his legs?

No fuckin' way.
The shlong is the piece de resistance.

And I'm saving the best for last.

Whose one-eyed serpent
are we gonna grab, Bernie?

The cocksman of all
rock n roll, that's who.

Jim Morrison.

Morrison.

Iggy, pack your bags.
You're going to Paris.

Alright you sending me on vacation, boss?

No, you shitbird,
that's where Morrison is buried.

Oh, yeah right.

Uncle Bernie, Jim Morrison may
be buried in France but I know

for a fact his penis isn't there.

What the fuck are you talking about?

There's a retired coroner from L.A.-
Doctor Nakasomi.

And he has the world's largest collection
of famous deceased person's private parts.

And I know for a fact that Morrison's
sex organ is in his collection.

A cock collection?

So to speak.

Far out.

Iggy, you get me Morrison's cock and I'll
buy you your own pharmaceutical company.

Alright.

Why is this Nakasomi so into
collecting dead ding-dongs?

Well, that might be hard for
a layman to understand, Iggy.

You see, when I was with the coroner's
office I had a nice collection too.

Nothing as extensive as Nakasomi's but...
some good odds and ends.

I had a really nice gallbladder,
a particularly exquisite intestinal track

and a really nice cortex attached
to a spinal column. But unfortunately

when I lost my job I lost my collection.

As for why people in the business collect
body parts, I'll put it to you this way

a man works in a brewery,
maybe he collects beer bottles.

Get my point?

Beer bottles?

Well maybe that's not such a good example.
Well here's all the info.

Good luck.

This is it.
Okay, who's got the combination?

- Combination?
- Yeah.

You wanna do a speed ball now?

No, no. Combination for the safe, dudes.

What safe?

Far out. It's open.

Far out.

Hey look. Lassie's pecker.

Wow, this is it.

Jim Morrison's love tool.

Whoa, that was close.
I almost lost my favorite bong.

Here hold this, Pete. Curly,
grab Morrison's pecker and let's book.

Hey, man, this is where I draw the line. I
ain't never touched another guy's pee-pee.

I got it covered, dude.

Alright.

Oh, shit!

Bad karma, man.

Hydrochloric acid. Shit, Pete, you stuck
Morrison's ding-dong in a jar of acid.

Bummer, man.

Quick we gotta pick another pecker.
Peel that label off the Morrison jar.

I guess it's true what they say.

Size doesn't matter.
You have any problems getting this?

No. Trouble? No, it was a piece of cake.

Good work, Iggy. I got a couple of
kilos of nose candy in my car trunk.

Far out.

Well, we've got all the pieces now.
So when can we fire this sucker up?

Well, the next phase is the most
critical one. I'll need a sufficient

quantity of immature brain cells.

Baby brains, right? Yeah, don't
worry, that's on Iggy's list too.

Then after that I can expect to see
my superstar on his own two feet, right?

If everything goes according to plan.

Plan. I got to get to
work on plans for a tour.

Don't you think that might be
a bit premature, Uncle Bernie?

Fuck no. Unless there's
something you're not telling me.

It's just that in science
nothing's a sure thing.

Believe me, with the body parts we got
assembled here, kid, this is a sure thing.

If you say so, Uncle Bernie.

Good luck. Praise Jesus.

Amen, brother. Praise Jesus.

What was all that
"praise Jesus" stuff about?

You know, that's the guy that
supplies all them Operation Rescue

nuts with all their fetuses.

You know, so they can stick them in
politicians' hands on the nightly news.

No way.

Yeah. Take a look.

Oh, shit. Scrambled babies.

Make sure you're not in contact
with the table. I'm going to be

sending a lot of voltage.

Okay. Clear.

Here.

Anything?

Not yet. I'll try again.

I'm using full voltage.

Zap him in the balls this time.

I don't follow you, Uncle Bernie.

A good zap in the balls will
wake up anybody, even the dead.

It's not very scientific, but okay.

Far out.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

I got the King! I got the fuckin' King!

Mamma?

I cooked this up special
just for you, dude.

Hey, King.

Look what I brought you.

How's it feel to hold one
of these babies again?

I really don't think he's
ready for this, Uncle Bernie.

Why the fuck not?

Every ounce of this guy is
prime cut superstar meat.

He should be jamming.

Instead, look at him.

You have to be more patient, Uncle Bernie.
He's experiencing a rebirth of sorts.

And I warned you he may have some side
effects due to the divergent body parts.

And actually, in my opinion,
he's making remarkable progress.

Well, it sure as shit
doesn't look remarkable to me.

Did you wash behind your ears?

Frankie?

Yes?

I don't understand why my body is so
different. I mean it doesn't feel right.

And it doesn't look right.

Your body is beautiful.

You're unique. You're the first
and only one of your kind.

I don't mean to be contrary, Frankie.
It's just that...

I don't know, something doesn't feel right.

You're just confused. It's
too many different personalities

too many conflicting signals.

You just have to find yourself.

Find myself?

You are the sum of your parts.
That's who you are.

And soon the true you will evolve.

And what about you, Frankie?
Are you the true you?

I am what I am.
And nobody can change that.

And soon you'll be who you are and nobody
will be able to change that either.

Oh.

Uncle Bernie, I still think it's a
bit premature to be taking him out.

I mean, we don't know how his body's
going to react to the various stimuli.

That's just what we're lookin' for,
a little fuckin' reaction.

I mean, look at this guy.
He's like a fuckin' zombie.

First thing we do is
shop for a new wardrobe.

Maybe getting him in the right
threads might bring back that old magic.

First class all the way. This where the
Bee Gees used to buy all their outfits.

Take a look around and
see what looks good to you.

I'm partial to jumpsuits myself.

Yeah.

Well, you were right about
that jumpsuit. It suits you.

Hey, let's get something to eat.
I'm fuckin' starved.

Great.

I want to go in here.

Alright, big guy. You're the boss.

Hey, you're looking pretty flashy
in them new duds there, King.

I'm gonna set up a photo shoot
tomorrow to see how you look on film.

Don't you think we should take
things a bit slower, Uncle Bernie?

What the fuck do you know about
making a star?! I'm trying

to get this kid back in the groove.

He just doesn't realize the kind
of awesome talent he's got.

It's all there, it's just rusty.

You must be tired. Here,
let me put the gerbils away.

Okay.

You know, I was wondering.
Do you remember anything besides

what's happened here these last few days?

Well, no, I guess I don't.

You sure â nothing?

Let me seeâ¦

Las Vegas and fried chicken.

I'm going to give you a quick
physical examination. Cross your legs.

The other one.

Fascinating.

Well, I'm bushed.
I'll see you in the morning.

Good night, Frankie.

Good night.

And I'm not getting off the line
until he fucking picks up the phone!

Fuck!

Mort - Bernie. What do you
mean submit a demo tape?

Cause I know you're in
tight with some of those guys.

I been trying to reach you all week.

You tell Mister Zimmerman
that it's Bernie Stein.

Hello?! I mean, this kid's got superstar
potential written all over him.

Who you calling a has been?

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

So I told Phil Ramone, why don't
you try like a wall of sound.

You know what I'm saying? And he said

Bernie Stein? My name's Kurt Kendle.
I'm Dick Roberts' personal assistant.

Where's Dick?

He's sorry he couldn't come
himself. But don't worry.

I'll be sure to give him a full
report on your new prospect.

Listen, you tell Dick if he
can't make it himself - fuck him.

I'll go to fucking Warners.

Look, there's no need to get upset,
Mister Stein. I'm just hereâ¦

Never mind. Never mind. Listen, you
take a look at my boy then you can

tell Dick what he screwed himself out of.

What the fuck is he waiting for?

We're ready any time you areâ¦

What's his name?

Just call him King.

Any time, King.

What the fuck is his problem?!

Come on, big guy. Doesn't all
this equipment look familiar to you?

You know, come on, let's jam.

You know. Yeah. Get it on.

Fucking piece of shit guitar.

You know, let's try the drums.
Let's try the drums.

Pick up the sticks and find me a beat.

Shit.

Shit. Try singing something.

Sing?

Yeah, you know...
I get by with some help from my...

Purple Haze?!

No, no. I get by with some help from my...

Peggy Sue?

No, no. Sing something you know!

He's got the whole thing in his hands.

He's got that whole thing in his hands.
He's got that whole thing in his hands.

Shit! Fuckin' shit!
Fucking goddamn motherfuckin' shit. Fuck!

I give you the greatest rock and roller
stars in the whole world and

this is the shit you make out of them!?

What's with hoss?

Oh, he's just under a lot of pressure.

I didn't do good, huh?

You're still learning. You
just gotta find yourself.

Well, can you help me find myself, Frankie?

I think so, King.

I've got to solve the problem, Iggy.
I can't show my creation

to the world if he's a dud.

Don't sweat it, Frankie.
He's got talent. I can tell.

Well, the problem may be
that he has too much talent.

It seems that the DNA characteristics
of the various body parts

are conflicting with each other.

And I've got to find a balance.

How you gonna do that?

Well, trial and error is the only way.

I'll have to administer booster injections
of the rejuvenation formula

to the body parts I want to be dominant.

Theoretically it should work. I just
have to be careful of over-saturation.

I'll start with the brain.
I've always been a big Elvis fan.

It's one for the moola. Two for the gig.
Three to get set. Now go doggie go.

But kiss me sweetheart. Give it to me...

If I can do it you sure can.

I don't know, Iggy.

Come on, man.
You just need a little confidence.

Watch.

Try a hit of this, man.
It'll help you relax.

No, no. Hold the smoke in, man.

Alright.

Feel better?

I feel spacey.

Good, good, good.
I got some acid tabs here.

It'll open your mind.

Yeah, yeah. Swallow.

Try it this way.

Let the drugs work their voodoo, dude.

Alright. Far fuckin' out!

Come in.

What's up, Iggy?

I think it's about time we got
King out in front of a crowd.

To see if he can perform, you know?

Should I call Uncle Bernie?

No, no. I could put together a back-up
band with just a few phone calls.

Okay. But isn't the band
gonna need a name?

What about the Acid Heads?

I'm not so sure.

What about Speed Freaks?

I think I got it.
How 'bout the Liver Transplants?

Let's just wait on a name for now.

Hey, dudes. Let me, like,
make the introductions.

This here's Duff, Squeeze and Mush.

This is King and Frankie Stein.

Howdy, boys. Well, I guess we
should get down to some jamming.

I got this tune been
running in my head all day.

Now, I was thinking the bass line
could go something like this.

You getting the idea?

How 'bout you on the bongo's, boy?

Lectro shock Lectro shock Lectro shock
Lectro shock Gimme gimme some

Taken from God's firmament
Put into man's filament

Gimme a joltin' surge
Kill my unnatural urge

Plug me in Turn me on
Shoot me up Shoot me down

Like a fish out of the water at the altar
of slaughter I'm a human sacrifice

gimme that static spice

Hey, the band's really rocking, right?

Sounds good, but I don't know
about those dance steps.

I don't know.
Kind of reminds me of Joe Cocker.

You look marvelous.

Shall we begin?

First we're going to start with some
stretching exercises. Right? Here we go.

Okay.

More, more.

Have you been in an accident?

No.

Okay, keep at it. Keep at it.

I'm going to warm myself up.

My, you certainly are stiff.

Frankie? Have you ever had unnatural urges?

I don't quite follow you, King.

Well, you know, have you ever
thought about having sex with a...

Corpse?

No.

Oh.

I got a funny urge.
I don't know how to purge.

I'm of two different minds.
Getting conflicting signs.

Feelin' so confused.
I got me the boner blues.

Oh yeah. Uh huh. Uhhuh.

Yeah, baby, I like that.

I think my little hombre is growing.

Your little hombre?

My dangler. My rope-a-dope.
My wiener schnitzel.

Oh, you think your penis is growing?

Does it get hard when it grows?

Frankie, I know what a bone-on is.
I'm not talking about that.

Yeah. Keep talking.

What? What do you mean your shift is up?!

So what we been on the phone four hours?

I still got some unfinished business
here, if you know what I mean.

It could be a side effect with the DNA
cluster in the rejuvenation formula.

We'll have to keep
track of its development.

Oh.

Bitch.

Iggy, I need to talk.

Okay, man, let's rap.

Have you ever had unnatural urges?

Unnatural urges?

My soul aches My heart breaks
My body quakes

For heaven's sake I'm a monster

Tell me who I am

You're a monster

Can I be a man?

I look in the mirror and what do I see?
Only what other guys want me to be

Staring eye to eye with my own reflection

Why oh why do I feel such rejection?

This aching in my heart just can't fret it

Cause for that body part
don't know who to credit.

Wait in vain for a sign that ain't coming

And in my brain it keeps right on humming

A tune I can't recognize

A vision from someone's eyes

When will I see the real me?

Can this be my reality?

My soul aches My heart breaks
My body quakes

For heaven's sake I'm a monster

Tell me who I am

You're a monster

Can I be a man?

King!

King. King.

Boobala. You were great.
Hey, we gotta talk, baby.

Later, Bernie. I'm all tuckered out.

Hey, fucker...

Okay, alright. You're the boss.
But look, don't wait too long.

We got to talk about the record contract,
the tour. I'm talking the whole enchilada.

Later, Bernie.

Hey, Iggy.

Hey, Bernie. You dig the show?

Who gives a flying fuck what I thought?
Did you see all those teeny bopper

screaming and wetting their pants?

Yeah, good vibes. Right?

Vibes, smibes.
I'm talking dollar signs here.

You're way too materialistic, Bernie man.

Can the bullshit, Iggy. You gotta
help me convince the King back to our fold.

I got big plans.

I don't know. You really bummed him
out when you walked out like that.

So I hurt his fuckin' feelings a
little bit. Like my fuckin' feelings

have never been hurt?

Yeah, I can dig where
you're coming from, Bernie.

Good. Then you get the King to dig it, too.

Alright, I'll see what I can do.

Iggy, you're a good kid. Happy Hanukkah.

Wow, far out. Thanks a lot, Bernie.

Where's Frankie?

He had something to do back at the lab.

Alright. Catch you later.

Yeah, alright. Bye.

Who are you, little darlin'?

I am all yours.

I'm ready. How about you?

Hold on a second, little Missy. I've
got to use the little boys' room.

Huh?

I have never been so
humiliated in all my life.

Hey, what are you doing in there?

Just had to pinch a quick loaf,
little darling. I'm all set to go now.

How about a little
back door action, darling?

Huh?

Oh, you want it doggie style?

Something like that.

Hey, I'm not into anal sex!

Oh my God. I didn't know
you were a friggin' faggot!

Well, no. I was just
catching up on some reading.

I knew I should've stuck to
heavy metal. Wait until my

friends hear what a dud you were.

Now, hold on a second, little darlin'.

You suck!

Uncle Bernie.

I just caught the King's gig.
He's looking real good.

Now's the time for us to make our move.

I have something here I want him
to sign. Take care of it.

What is it?

An exclusive contract... with me.

What are you doing?

I'm reading it, but I'm not
too good at this legal stuff.

King'll have to get a
lawyer to take a look at it.

A fuckin' lawyer?
What are you a fuckin' comedian?

I own King. I made him!
You just make sure he signs it. And

don't put any ideas in his fuckin' head!

Don't you think you're being a bit
unreasonable, Uncle Bernie?

Unreasonable? Unreasonable?
You want fuckin' unreasonable?!

Do you remember this?

A contract that you signed
that says that I own all your

research and related discoveries.

Yes, but this was signed under duress.

Oh, because you got caught in
the morgue humping a dead twat.

And your ass was gonna land in jail
unless I came up with the pay-off money?

And the only reason I did was because
I knew that if you can bring a twat back

to life you had something I could use.

So that's why I saved your ass and that's
why I set you up with your own lab.

And that's why I got you to sign that
fuckin' contract. Because I want a

superstar and you better do your best
to make sure I get one. You got it?!

Good!

Hey, you hungry? Let's go get some
bagels and lox. I'm fuckin' starved.

Listen, hoss. This ain't right. I can't
keep having these unnatural urges.

They're bad for my image,
not to mention my state of mind.

You gotta straighten out, little fella.

Now the next time I see me a little honey
bunch with a big ole beautiful pair of

titties I want you standing at attention.

If you want me standing at attention
then you better get me some soft

butt cheeks to shoot a load in.

Huh?

Oh, you heard me.

Oh Lord, I'm losing my mind.

And by the way,
I'm partial to Filipino boys.

Filipino boys?

It's just stress. You're not going crazy.

But voices, Frankie.

Of course I could be wrong and you might
be a latent schizophrenic. But I doubt it.

It's not just that, Frankie.
Everything's wrong.

What're you talking about, King?

Well, I just don't like anything
about myself. I mean, look at me.

I got jig hands. My legs are too
short. And I can't stand my hair.

Come on, King, that's natural. Everybody
wishes they could change their appearance.

I've had those feelings.

It's more than that, Frankie.
I mean, who am I?

I'm always having these weird dreams.
And these unnatural urges.

They're gonna drive me
right out of my head.

Let me see what I can do.

Unzip your pants.

Huh?!

I'm going to give you an injection.

Since your problem is impotency I can
only assume that the rejuvenation formula

was used in insufficient
dosage on your genitalia.

Well, this better work, Frankie.
Cause I don't think I could

go through with this again.

Well, your body is reaching the
saturation point, so this'll

have to be the last injection.

Let's just hope it makes a difference.

I love the King.

He's unbelievable. I just love him.

Nice to hear from you, Mort.

I wanna have his baby.

We're already looking at a
record deal with Warners.

He's the most beautiful
man in the universe.

He's so sexy.

I'm always ready to talk numbers.

There you have it straight
from the fans' mouth.

This is Suzy South reporting on
rock n roll's latest sensation

King, and his band, The Unnatural Urges.

King! What's the fuckin' deal?

Sound check's in ten minutes. You should be
down at the concert hall getting ready.

Oh, yeah, right.

Hey, come on, big guy. This is your night.

You got thousands of kids waiting on you.
And they love your fuckin' guts.

They love your fuckin' asshole.
They love the shit that

comes out of your fuckin' asshole.

Isn't it a great feeling being loved?

Yeah, I guess so.

Then get your ass in gear.
You got a show to put on.

Shit. Where'd I leave my keys at?

Fuck that. You gotta get to the auditorium.

I got a limo down in front waiting
for you. I'll find your keys.

Okay, whatever you say, Bernie.

See you at the show, King.

I gotta find his fuckin' keys.

What the fuck?

Holy fuckin' shit.

Oh Jeez.

Holy motherfuckin' shit.

Oh, I love this place. I've never been to
a real rock star's house before you know.

Well, there's always gotta be
a first time, little darling.

That's what my father said the first time
he screwed me. I think I was about nine.

So you come from a close family?

Not really. When are the rest of the
guys gonna get here? I wanna party!

Oh, we're gonna party all night, little
darling. Don't you worry about that.

You like to play games?

You really go for all this shit?

Well, a certain part of me does.

I want to make you big and hard. I want
your cock to reach to the ceiling.

I want your balls to twitch. You know why?

Why?

Because I want you to fuck me.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck me long and fuck me hard.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck me in my tight, wet pussy.

Pussy?!

What happened? You just went
as limp as a turkey neck.

Just keep sucking, honey.

Hey, I'm not some cheap whore, you know.

- Suck!
- You suck!

- Fuck her in the ass!
- Yeah.

- Fuck her hard! Make it hurt!
- Yeah!

Get the fuck off me!

Fuck her like a pig in shit!

I'll cut you, motherfucker!

The cunt! The bitch! She's gotta pay.

You gotta pay!

Cut the pig open and we'll fuck her.

I said cut the bitch open! Now!

Oh, she's a noisy one. Talk about
your dragged out death scenes.

Now we fuck!

Oww, it feels so good.

King, you home? It's me Frankie.

What you doing, Frankie?

Nothing. What happened here?

I warned you about my little hombre.
It made me cut this honey

bunch up like a ripe piggie.

Made you?

That's right. I couldn't stop it. And
worse than that, my boneheaded boner

wants to stick it in men's bung holes.

You stuck me with a goddamn homo wand.

I think I'm beginning to see.
We need to have a talk, King.

You've gotta face what you are.
You can't keep living in denial.

What're you talking about, Frankie?

You're going to have to face
the fact that you may be gay.

Me - a butt buddy! No way.

It's not the end of the world. There's
no reason to be ashamed of your

sexual orientation in this day and age.

You don't seem to follow, amigo.
Pussy's what I want up hereâ¦

but big, fat, hairy buttholes
is what it wants down here.

You see?

Are you really being honest
with yourself, King?

Sure I am.

Then how do you explain this?

I told you, it's your fault for
sticking me with this fruity pecker.

You're not facing yourself, King.
I want you to take a long hard look in

the mirror and ask yourself, who am I?

Me, a fudgie?

Have you ever heard the saying,
don't knock it till you've tried it?

And so according to our market research,
King's strongest consumer awareness is

with females in the twelve to
nineteen year old age range.

The thing that they most commonly
site as attracting them

to King is his vulnerability.

As a matter of fact according to my
data King's vulnerability factor

is on par with James Dean.

I knew it. I fuckin' knew it.

And we feel the best way to exploit
this consumer block in ancillary

markets is with a King doll

and a series of teen books designed
to attract the younger female reader.

Yeah?

Put him on.

What've you got for me?

Fuckin' gay bars? Are you sure?

Bring me the photos.

Nice digs.

Make yourself at home. I've just
got to use the little boys' room.

I can't go through with this.

I want dingle berries!

You make me sick to my guts.

You ain't seen nothing yet. We're gonna
felch this young piece of chicken.

Felch? I don't want no part of this.

You heard what Frankie said,
don't knock it till you've tried it.

Now let's go pack some fudge.

You wanna make yourself more
comfortable, sweet cakes?

Sure.

It's gonna cost you fifty dollars.

Fifty dollars?!

Look at this. I'm worth every cent.

Listen, I think I made me a mistake.

What's that smell?

You can't hide your true feelings.

Dingle berries! I smell dingleberries!

Shut up!

Don't get bitchy.

I'm not talking to you.

I want inside that smooth, young ass!
Let's burn rubber now!

Do you know the way to the Hersey
Highway? Do you know the way?

You make me sick!

Look, nobody's forcing you, stud.

I'm not talking to you!

Hersey Highway here it comes.

Oh, shit.

Oh yeah. Nice and tight, right? Not
like that other trash out on the street.

Shut up.

You talking to me this time, stud?

Yeah.

Hey, take it easy. God.
You're gonna stretch me out.

I'm not the goddamn
Holland Tunnel, you know.

Take it, you bitch!

Not so hard. You're hurting me.

That's it. That's it.

Hey!

Give it to him. Hard. Harder.
Oh so hard. Oh yes.

I'm getting close. So close.
Let's... let's go for it.

Mother! Mother, I love you!

Frankie. I got some pretty
fuckin' disturbing news.

What's that, Uncle Bernie?

I think the King's a fuckin' poof.

I noticed some strange shit so I
hired a private investigator.

These are pics of the King
in a fuckin' fag bar.

I already know about it, Uncle Bernie.
King and I have talked and I've advised

him to accept his sexual orientation.

You what? Do you realize what would
happen if it gets out that the

King is a fuckin' faggito?

I'm building his fuckin' image
on fuckin' sex appeal.

He's supposed to be a sex machine,
not some limp-wristed cocksucker.

Well, it's going to get out no
matter what once I publish

all the specifics of my research.

Publish?

Yes. I'm working on the paper right now.
And who knows, it may get us a Nobel Prize.

Are you fuckin' crazy?!
We can't let anybody know where

we got the King's body parts from.

Why not?

Are you, fuckin' brain dead?!

For one thing it's fuckin' illegal.
And besides that, do you realize

the fuckin' royalties I'd owe?

The estates where we got the dead rockers
from would sue the shit out of me. One

fuckin' hit album and I'd be fuckin' broke.

Uncle Bernie, there are more important
things in life than monetary gain.

Yeah. Name one?

The advancement of scientific knowledge
for one. I have to share my discoveries

with my contemporaries.

There are valuable lessons to
be learned by my success.

Your success? Listen fucker, if it wasn't
for me and my money you wouldn't have

this fuckin' laboratory to
be dicking around in.

And now you're telling me, fuck you,
Bernie, fuck you and your dirty money.

No fuckin' way!

I'm sorry you feel that way, Uncle Bernie.
And I appreciate all you've done for me

but I can't deny science my discoveries.

Well, I guess you can't deny science on
how you came up with those discoveries?

By fuckin' rejuvenated twats in the fuckin'
morgue! How are your scientific asshole

buddies gonna react to that one?

I'm prepared for the consequences.
All my earlier research

is included in my paper.

So you can't blackmail me with that,
Uncle Bernie. Just like King,

I'm going to have to face what I am.

Nobody pulls this fuckin'
bullshit on me! Nobody!

Well, what do you think,
doctor? Can you cure me?

I don't like to use the word cure.
But yes, I think I can help you.

Well, let's get started.

I'm going to recommend a sex
surrogate in your case.

A sex surrogate?

Yes. In severely dysfunctional cases such
as yourself I find a surrogate is the most

effective method of breaking through
the psycho-sexual barriers.

Okay, I'll give it a try.

Fine. Let me write down his number for you.

His number?

Yes. His name is Bruce. He's perfect
for you, patient, very understanding.

What in the hell's the matter with you?!
Didn't I just get through telling you

that I don't wanna be no goddamn fudgie?!

That I can't control my pecker?
That it's driving me crazy?

Mr. King, in my professional opinion you're
resisting your homosexual tendencies and

laying the blame off on your sex organ

treating it as though it were a separate
entity. A classic case of denial.

That's right, you big fairy.

Shut up! But my pecker does
have a mind of its own.

Mr. King, take my advice. If Bruce isn't
the surrogate for you there are others.

I'll take Bruce and all the others
you got, doc. I want stiff

dicks and tight assholes.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Stiff dicks, tight assholes! And dingle
berries! Mountains of dingleberries!

Mountains and mountains and
mountains of dingle berries!

All the dingle berries I can handle.

Classic case of denial.

Thank you for calling the numbers tonight.

No problem, Father Bob.

- You get home safely, okay.
- Have a good night.

I'll see you next week.

I'm sorry, we're closed.

Closed?

We're only open this late
because bingo ran so long.

But I need absolution. I need a confessor.

You can always come back tomorrow.

I may not be alive tomorrow.
I can't deal with what I've become.

Have you done bad things?

Have I ever.

I suppose I have a few moments.

Tell me your sins, my son.

This ain't easy, padre.

It never is, but I need to know.

Well, I been having unnatural urges.

Hmm. Have you acted upon these urges?

I'm afraid so.

Tell me about it.

Well, I had sex with another man.

Was it good?

Not exactly. Things got
a little carried away.

That's only natural.

Let us pray.

Give me your hand, my son.

Share with me more details
of your transgression.

Hey, what the fuck?!

Hmmm. That feels nice.

Is that what I think it is?!

Not so hard. You're hurting me!

Holy man, my ass! Fucking fudgie for God!

What do you mean - fudgie?!

You know what I mean, you pipe smoker!

Oh, that hurts! But I deserved it.
I've been a bad father!

You're a disgrace!

You're right! Don't stop!
Please don't stop!

You make me sick!

I just wanted to spread love!
To follow His word!

Oh, that's sweet.

Spread love, huh?!

Roll over and drop your drawers.

Oww, kinky.

What, what are you going to do?

I'm gonna see how deep is your love, padre.

Alright, let's get down
to business. Shall we?

Please, please be gentle with me.

This reminds me of my first communion.

I've always loved the
pageantry of the church.

I played for the pope once you know.

Oh, you brute!

How `bout turning the
other cheek now, padre?

Wait a fuckin' second!

Iggy, just the guy I been looking for.

Hey, Bernie. I'm making cocktails.
You want any?

I just found out something pretty
interesting about Jim Morrison.

You know, the same Jim Morrison who's
cock you stole for Frankie's experiment?

Yeah.

Well, Morrison's not circumcised.

So?

Well, the King is!

You spaced-out little rat fuck!
What the fuck did you do?!

Take it easy, Bernie man.
There was a terrible accident.

I had to grab another pecker.

It wasn't my fault.

Another pecker?! Another pecker?!
Whose pecker did you grab?! Whose?!

I don't know. Some cat named Ace.

Ace?

Ace?

Yeah. The name was Liber, Liber Ace.

Liber Ace? I gotta find out
more about this guy.

L-I-B, is that one B or two?

One.

A-C-E.

Liberace! You stole Liberace's shlong!

You stupid fuckin' piece of shit! You
turd! You cocksucker! You motherfucker!

I'll fuckin' kill you! Come back here.
You fuckin' cocksucker.

Come back here! Cunt boy!

King, have I got a bombshell to lay on you.

Fire away, Bernie.

Look, I did my best to make
sure that you were gonna be a

heterosexual stud rock n roller.

But there's only one problem. Due
to a fuckin' major Iggy fuck-up you

were equipped with a fairy queen's hose.

What?

Hey, who you calling a fairy queen?

Look, I'm sorry to have to tell you this
but you have Liberace's sausage

dangling in-between your legs.

And you should be damn proud of it.

Shut up, you freak!

Hey, booby, I'm just the messenger.

Don't worry, I'm not talking to you.
Liberace... this sure does explain a lot.

I bet it does.
You must be going through hell.

A pussy pounder like you stuck with
a fudge twirl. It's sickening.

It sure is. I get hives just
at the thought of pussy. Yuk.

What am I gonna do?

There's only one thing to do.
We gotta re-operate and get you

the tool that you deserve.

Maybe Hendrix's. But Frankie's
been giving me a hard time.

Frankie won't let me down.

Don't be so sure. He's been acting
like a real weasely little fuck lately.

Re-operate?

So Bernie was right, you won't help me?

You don't seem to understand, King.
I can put the parts together but

I'm not responsible for the sum total.

I mean, I'm not God.

Yeah, he's not God.

I thought I could trust you, Frankie.
I thought I could count on you.

I'd rather be dead than go on like this.

No! Don't do it!

Listen to Frankie.

You gonna operate?

Alright. I'll do it.

But I have no idea where we're
gonna get a donor penis from.

Donor penis?! Hey wait a minute.

It doesn't matter to me. I'd rather
stay dickless for awhile

than to put up with this thing.

You're no bed of roses yourself you know.

Okay, King, start counting.

It's one for the moola,
two for the gig, three to get setâ¦

go doggie go...

My God. It's grown incredibly.

The veins are severely swollen and extended.
I've never seen anything like this.

I better take some x-rays.
Something strange is going on here.

It's fascinating. Incredible.

What's the story, Frankie?

It's truly astounding. The penis
veins have mutated and multiplied.

They've entwined themselves around King's
spinal column. If I amputate his penis

the King will surely bleed to death.

Don't bullshit me.

It's the truth, Uncle Bernie. There's
nothing I can do. I guess it's fate.

Fate?! Fuck fate!

For better or worse this
experiment is over.

I guess I'll let my fellow scientists
decide whether it's a success or a failure.

You think you're pretty fuckin' cute, huh?
You little fuckin' fuck!

Wha⦠what happened? You didn't operate?

I couldn't.

You mean wouldn't.
This guy don't care about, King.

All he wants to be is some big scientific
asshole fuck. And he's gonna tell the

whole world how you were put together.

And the whole world's gonna know that
you got a queer pee-wee.

And they're all gonna be laughing at you.

Who's he calling queer?

Say it ain't so, Frankie.

No one's going to be laughing at you, King.

But, you didn't operate?

I can't. It would kill you.

Thank God.

I'll get someone else to
do the operation, King.

You egghead cocksuckers are a dime a dozen.

Uncle Bernie, don't give King false hope.
There isn't anything anyone can do.

I'll do it myself!

Yeah, go for it, King!

No!
Put the scalpel away you lunatic!

You'll die!

I don't trust you anymore.

You have to trust me, I made you!

Well, you made me wrong!

I don't care, King. I love
you just the way you are.

You love me?

Straight through the heart. I'm a goner.

No, Frankie. I didn't mean it.

I hope you're happy now.

I'm fading fast, King.

Frankie, you can't die.

I won't. Part of me will live on with you.

No!

Hey, you can't keep me on ice forever.
I'm horny. I wanna get shit-faced.

Shut up. Bernie's gonna get me a
doctor who's gonna get you off

my back forever, you little prick.

Hey, it's cold with that thing.
Will you get that off me?

Whatâs the matter with you?

He just sits around on his fuckin'
ass all day long getting stoned.

What's wrong with that?

King's gotta produce.
The record company wants a new product.

I gotta get him back in the studio.

I don't know, Bernie man. He's still
feeling pretty bad about Frankie.

What are you talking about, pain?
Like I don't know about fuckin' pain?!

I do some of my best work
when I'm in fuckin' pain!

Okay, Bernie man, whatever you say.

Look, tomorrow night the record execs
are throwin' King a big shindig.

You make sure he shows up. I gotta
get his career back on track.

Okay, whatever you say, Bernie man.
Hey listen, Bernie, got anything for me?

Yeah.

Here you go.

What the fuck are those, man?

Codeine suppositories.
They use them on elephants.

Oh, shit, man I don't
want no elephant dope.

Elephant dope isn't good
enough for you? Fuck you.

Things are tight right now.
Take it or leave it.

Shit.

I'm not going. I don't care about record
companies or making music. Leave me alone.

Alright I wasn't supposed to tell you this.
It was supposed to be a surprise.

But Bernie's gonna have someone
there at the party who can

take care of your problem.

Are you serious?

It's for real, dude.
That's what Bernie said.

Then let's get a move on then.

Alright.

Hey King, are you going to
grace us with a tune tonight?

The throat's a little tight.
Say, you seen Bernie around?

He's over there.

You're so incredible.

Thank you. Thank you.

King. Bubby, you look great.

The skirt's a nice touch.

Thanks. I'm feeling better, Bernie.
I guess you were right

this party's just what I needed.

And I got a surprise for you too.

Yeah?

Yeah. And I'll lay it on you just
as soon as you get up and sing

a little something for the big-wigs.

I don't feel much like singing, Bernie.

Come on, King, do me this one favor
and I'll do you one too. Okay?

Remember when I told you I'll find
someone do the operation to

you know, to switch your pecker?

Yeah, of course. You found somebody?

No way. Can't be done.

Huh?

But then I figure, what the hell?
Frankie was right, accept the way you are.

If you wanna be a fudge packer
be a fudge packer. The Village People

made millions. Enjoy, baby.

Hey stud, you wanna play busting broncos?

Come on man, gimme a golden shower.
Piss on my head, man. Come on.

Those scars are such a turn-on.

Let me undo your pants. Piss in
my mouth, man. Piss in my mouth.

Let's give him a golden shower!

Shut up!

I'll suck your asshole.

I need to be fisted by
those big black hands.

Piss in my mouth.

Is your penis also black?

I need juicy assholes!
Let me out! Let me out!

You make me sick!

I've got loads to shoot.
Loads and loads to shoot.

No!

I'm gonna make you the biggest
superstar this side of the United States.

You think you're pretty funny, huh?!
I'll show you funny!

What the fuck? Let go of me.
What are you crazy? You fucker!

Not so funny now is it? Huh?

Big time agent, not so funny is it?

I made you.

Jesus, you really did it this time, King.
We gotta split, pronto.

Come on, dude. Come on.

We gotta get outa sight.
The fuzz are out cruising for you.

Oh, quick in here.

Come on, King, the door, force it. Come on.

We better stay here for the night.
We'll figure what to do tomorrow.

There's nothing to do. What's the use?

I don't care about living anymore.
What's the point? Why was I made?

Boy, you're in a pretty heavy
mood there, huh, King?

I'm just being realistic, Iggy.
Something I should've done a long time ago.

Don't be so negative, King. You gotta
get some positive energy circulating.

I'm out of tune, Iggy.
Everything about me is out of tune.

Hey, what was that?

Hey there, little fellas.
Who wants to play hide and go seek?

Look at all those furry
little creatures. Playmates

They look so furry and cute.

Eeny meenie miney mow catch
a gerbil in your hole.

I'm going to kill you!

Jesus, King, take it easy.

Quit hitting me and let's
get at those gerbils.

You're sick!

Bend over and take it like a man.

I'm gonna get rid of you!

You can't live without me.
You'd never be able to come again.

You'd have to sit down like a
girlie when you make pee-pee.

King, this is no time to
be choking the chicken.

Hey, would you stop hitting me already?
What's the matter with you?

You filthy little pervert!

Fight fair you big sissy.
Hey let go. Let go of me.

You've got to be crazy.

Don't do it!

Hey, what do you think you're doing with
that thing? Hey, that's a hook you know.

Hey, no don't do that!

It's starting to choke!

I've done Vegas for God's sake!
Will you get this off me!

Free at last. Thank God almighty
I'm free at last!