Robin Williams: Weapons of Self Destruction (2009) - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen,

Please welcome Robin Williams!

No!

Please.

Sit down!

Thank you!

Thank you!

What's up, DC.?

Yes, indeed!
Yes, indeed!

Wow, thank you.

Thank you. Please,
I've had heart surgery.



Thank you.

It's nice to be in Washington,
where the buck stops here.

Way to go.

And then it's
handed out to AIG

and many other people.
Now...

I have the new
Timothy Geithner $20-bill.

It's just been printed,
kind of neat.

Instead of In God We Trust,

it just says
Trust Me.

And it says
spend before Tuesday.

And also
instead of Andrew Jackson,

it has the little man
from monopoly going...

and I know many of you
have been looking

for Sarah Palin's book.
It is a bitch to find.



Good luck.

I found it somewhere between
fiction and non-fiction

in the fantasy aisle.

It was kind of fun.

Wonderful.

Do you get... do you get
the feeling with Sarah Palin,

In high school she was voted
least likely to write a book

and most likely to burn one?

Do you think
that might've been...

she's pretty wild.
Baby, I love her.

And also, Oprah...
Oprah has retired...

Is gonna retire her show.
Please say it isn't so!

Oprah's gonna retire her show.

I hope she's not bummed out
about losing the Olympics.

I hope that's not it.

It wasn't really fair.

Chicago sent Oprah and Michelle,

Brazil sent 50 strippers
and a pound of blow.

It's like, what?

Do you think the Olympic
committee was going

Oprah? Shaved pussy?

Oprah, would you... okay, we're
gonna have to go this way.

And who the fuck thinks

that Rio is safer than Chicago?!

My God.
They're gonna have to make

kidnapping and waxing
Olympic events.

Degree of difficulty: 5.3.

But it is interesting. They have
the Winter Olympics in Vancouver

and the torch is heading
across Canada right now

and already in B.C.
they're lighting torches going...

we're waiting.

Come on, you folks who
just came from Capitol Hill.

Come on down.
Where do you go?

How are you, my friends?
Grab some seats.

You were caught in...

What?

That's your old boss?

Did you fuck him?

Sorry. Okay.

Not an inappropriate
question to ask in Washington.

No. And he's
going, no! No!

She was just a page,
it's okay!

And it was weird.
In California this summer

all the State Parks
caught on fire

which was sad

because these parks
are full of weed.

It's bad news.

It's like... even the guys
fighting the fires

are like...

Fuck! Oh my God!

Make another rainbow, Tommy!

Oh my God!

It's weird.

Even Smokey the Bear was going,

only you can...

Shit, I knew this.

Fuck.

And California weed
is kick-ass fucking weed.

This is weed
that even Jamaicans go,

oh, don't smoke
that weed, man.

It's California catatonic.

It's the type of weed you
hit it and it's like...

Fuck! Shit!

I'm not doing something.

What is it?

Oh right, breathe!

And you get so stoned,
you end up sitting on your couch

for a week to the point
where your cat's going,

get up, you asshole!

I've been eating my own shit
for the last two days!

I know I'm mellow,
but this is fucking ridiculous!

And if they legalize it, they're
going to have to regulate it

and they're going to have to a
warning on a box of joints.

It's going to have to say,
Surgeon General has determined

this will make
your music awesome.

Even Yanni.

And if you thought you
enjoyed cartoons before...

and if they're gonna have ads...

they're gonna have ads
and it'll be like

instead of the Marlboro man,
it'll be the Mendocino man.

It'll be a cowboy
on the back of a horse going,

shit, am I thirsty.
God damn.

Even the horse will be going,
I don't know where the fuck I am.

God damn, I got a little
cotton mouth here.

God damn it.

And the weird fucking thing
with these weather systems...

the storms right now
have been fucking insane.

Kick-ass tornadoes
in the Midwest.

It used to be in the Midwest
when you had a tornado,

it was like everybody
get in the root cellar.

Not anymore. You fuckers
are like get a video camera!

Get outside!
Film it, Bobby!

How's the tornado?
It just blew my pants off.

Keep shooting.
Fuckin'-A!

You know the difference
between a tornado

and divorce in the South?
Nothing.

Someone's losing
their trailer, number one.

It's like!

God damn!

The hurricanes have been getting
bigger and fucking bigger.

And they usually give them names
that don't really inspire fear.

Like hurricane Terrence
does not inspire fear.

This sounds like
a slightly gay hurricane.

Where are you going?

I might go to Boca. I might go
to South Beach. I don't know.

All I know is
blowing is involved.

Yes!

And they should name
the hurricanes

after the people
it's gonna be fucking with.

If it's going to Texas...
hurricane Billy Ray.

Come on now.
What are you gonna do?

Fuck shit up!
That's what goes on.

If it's off the coast
of Miami... hurricane Bernie.

Hello!

He took our 401k. The goniff's
coming back for the house.

Move out!
Let's fucking go!

And when they named a hurricane

Hurricane Ike, I went, finally,

they have the balls
to name a hurricane

after a crack-smoking,
wife-beating motherfucker.

Yeah!

Even Tina Turner would go,
you'd better get your shit

and get out of the house.

'Cause Ike never does anything
nice and easy. Never.

And the hurricanes
have been getting so big

that even the guy
on the weather channel

is freaked out.
He's going, okay,

let's go to our new
hurricane weather map...

Fuck!

This is hurricane Shavon.

The map is the entire South.

The asshole in the middle
is Dallas.

Um, crazy.

Back to you, Ted.
I just shit myself.

And they always
go down to some poor fuckers

on the coast
in the middle of the storm

going, Carl, how's it down
there on the coast? not bad!

Seems to be kicking up!

And then there's always
the aftermath

where they interview some family

standing in the wreckage
of their beach house

and they're always going like,
hurricane came

and tore everything up.

And we had just rebuilt.

Time out.

How often do you rebuild?

Every year.

Why do you rebuild here?

We love the view.

Well, you may want to get
some Styrofoam furniture

that goes up and fucking down.

Some things that you
can hose off maybe.

But the weird thing is,
I can't give them shit.

I like in California.
I live on God's etch-a-sketch.

It's crazy.

We have earthquakes
every other day.

And you get kind of blasé.
Like, oh, fuck.

2.5, not bad.

Oh, shit!

5.8. Maybe we should
have drinks outsides.

Let's go.

And they always talk
about the big one.

I was in a 7.5 earthquake.
That was a fuck me moment.

That was a...

And they went,
that was not the big one.

Really? Well, what will
the big one be?

Well, in the big one,
if there is the big earthquake,

Nevada will be wine country,
number one.

And when will the big one be?

Well, we have a window
of opportunity.

Well, what will that be?
could be tomorrow...

or 10,000 years from now.

Well, thanks for the fucking heads-up.

The only warning you have
is if your cat

is spread-eagle in the doorway like...

Get the fuck out.

And if your parrot starts going,

pack the car!
Pack the car!

Food and water!
Food and water!

Also, if you have a parrot,

do not leave them
in the bedroom.

They hear everything. All of the sudden
you'll have guests over for dinner

and the parrot will go
not the ass. whoa-ho-ho!

Petey!

He's been watching porn again.

Fuck me, Teddy!
Fuck me hard!

Honey, who's Teddy?

And the weird thing is

you try and do your part to
reduce your carbon footprint.

And if you have a hybrid,
God bless you, sweet cars.

But especially if you drive them outside
a major city, you get into little cities

especially in the South,
it becomes kind of interesting.

You pull into a small
gas station, it's like,

what the fuck is this?

Bobby, get over here.
It's one of them new inbreds!

Look at this motherfucker.

Shit, looks like Volkswagen
fucked a golf cart.

God damn.

I did not hear you come in.

You may want to put some cards

in the spokes of your wheels

so you make
some fucking noise.

That's why there's not gonna
be any NASCAR hybrid race.

A NASCAR hybrid race would
be like, here they come.

And I love the guys who say,

I watch NASCAR
for the racing.

Yeah, I watch porn
for the acting.

You liar!

You watch NASCAR
to see team Viagra

spin out in flames
and the guy get out

with his pubes on fire
going, I'm okay!

And there was a guy
in the South who said,

they should have
NASCAR in the Olympics.

And it was like, -
At that moment ever Darwin

was going,
come with me.

This is the ascent of man.

You stand here.

But it's weird too.
If you recycle, God bless you.

You recycle, good for you,
congratulations.

But if you recycle,
there is one group

who is really pissed off.
That group are the raccoons.

They are going through
your recycling like,

what the fuck is this shit?

Where are the hefty bags?
The pinata of life

that used to feed an entire
fucking family?

This is glass and plastic.
I can't digest this shit,

you green asshole!

I'm spreading this shit
all over your lawn!

I'm taking a dump
in your pool too.

I don't know why I made
the raccoons Irish,

but it works.
Now...

and they're ballsy
little motherfuckers too.

You turn on the light,
they look at you like,

what the fuck you gonna do?

I got a skunk as backup.
Don't make me call him.

And they've got those
little jazz paws.

Jazz paws!

They can open doors, cabinets.

I'm amazed you don't come home
and find them on the computer

going, I'm ordering shit.
How you doing?

The dog knows I'm here.
I locked him

in the fucking closet.
He's an idiot. Too late.

And the deer in California
have total amnesty

'cause they know no one's
gonna cap their ass

and strap them to the front
of a Ranger Rover

and go downtown for a mocha.

They walk through your yard
like supermodels with hooves.

Like, hi.

Are these your roses?

Oh my God,
a deer fence.

And I love the five point buck

that jump out in front of your car
like, I hope you're insured.

'Cause I'm taking you out.
This is revenge

for my brother who's hanging
in a bar in Tennessee.

Fuck you.

And we have coyotes,
which are like dogs on crack.

They come into your yard
looking like, hey! I'm a dog.

I'm a fucking dog.
Hey! Psst, listen.

Do you have any small
animals you don't need?

And I'm sure your cat
is sitting in the back going,

I will shit in the box!

Don't send me out there.
Those things eat pussy!

Don't send me out there!

And if you have a cat a a dog...

and they live together,
do you think your cat

mind-fucks your dog?

I don't think it's fair. I think
the moment you go to sleep

the cat's like,

Scooby!

Yeah yeah?

hey, Scooby,
are you man's best friend?

oh God, yeah.
I love him. I love him!

really? Then where
are your balls?

shit, they were
there yesterday.

I wondered why my ass
tasted differently.

I'm just saying that's weird.

You know, I'm just saying...

I'm just saying that's
weird, that's all I'm saying.

And people in California
give their cats Prozac.

How much more mellow
can a fucking animal be?

But that's California, where
animals have better healthcare

than the rest of the country.
It's fucking insane.

And if the whole
healthcare debate...

If you want to know how your congressman
and senators are gonna vote,

we should actually... maybe they
should be like NASCAR drivers.

They should actually
have to have jackets

with the names of all the
people who are sponsoring them.

Wouldn't that be cool?

Fuckin'-A!
Yeah, baby.

Then you might have a clue

to why the fuck
they voted that way.

Big drug company.
got it! Thank you.

And I have an alternative
healthcare plan.

It's called cash-for-clunkers-
for-older-relatives.

It's kind of fun.

You sell grandma for parts.

Grandma, you've got two kidneys.

We need a porch.
Let's do this.

And do not
sell grandma's kidneys

to that Hasidic Rabbi
in New Jersey.

Fuck. Who buys organs
from a Hasidic Rabbi

going, I'm crazy Itzhak.
Come on down.

I'm verklempt with values.

Come on down!
I've got kidneys.

I've got livers.
How's the liver? Fresh!

Come on down!

And if you order now,
you'll get this lovely wallet

made from a Hasidic foreskin.
You rub it,

It becomes a suitcase.
Come on down!

Come on down!
I'm open 24/6 for you!

Come on!

And if you have an older
relative living with you

that has dementia

and the temarketers are calling,

put her on the phone
with the telemarketers.

It works.

After two hours
she thinks she's talking

to your long-lost
cousin Carl

and the fucking telemarketers
will never call back again.

And it's weird too,
'cause I had open heart surgery

which lets you know exactly what
the fuck it is... open heart.

An angiogram does
not let you know

what they're going to do.
An angiogram is where they

go through your groin
to your heart.

And how knew that the way to man's
heart was through his groin?

And the women...
many women are going,

we've known that forever.

Yes.

Simple. You grab
a man's balls,

his heart will follow.

And I found out
I had a bad heart

because they did an echocardiogram
and my heartbeat was like...

My cardiologist went,
that's not good.

My Latin friend said,
no, you could dance to that.

That's kinda cool.

And then they did
the angiogram and I heard my...

I had a blown valve
which makes me sound

like a Chevrolet.
Like what the fuck?

And they started
offering me choices

about what type of valves
I could get.

And here were
some of my choices:

Number one... a porcine valve.

Which is a pig valve,
which is kind of cool

because you're already inoculated
for swine flue, number one.

And one of the side effects
is you can find truffles,

which is kind of cool.

I was hoping to get
an equine valve

'cause then you can hang out of
your shorts like, oh my God..

Baby, I'm sorry.
I just got excited.

You know?

To get out of the house,
you have to have a midget

jump on your back going,
we're going outside right now.

How many months since
the surgery? five.

And they offered me
a mechanical valve

which is kind of cool.
I thought,

maybe I can get the new Apple iheart.
That would be great.

It comes with 20,000 emotions
and that would be...

and I thought, wait a minute.

If I could get an iheart,

ladies, how about this?
Instead of breast implants...

Speakers.
Wouldn't that be cool?

We'll call 'em blue tits, they'll
be compatible with the heart.

And if you can't
afford speakers,

just put in a squeak toy.
We're that simple.

That'd be great.

A lot of you men would be going...

Oh yeah, baby.

And I'll put a whistle in my
dick so when you blow me...

Whoo!

Kind of fun, but...

I ended up getting a bovine
valve which is a cow valve.

Which is kind of cool,
'cause you can shit standing up.

That's great.

Great to be here.
Nice to be here.

But after the surgery,
you get very emotional.

It's like... it's like weird.
People go, how are you?

God, thanks for asking.

And I got so emotional,
I thought instead of a valve

they gave me a tiny vagina.
Which is like... what?

How are you?
much better now, thank you.

Oh God.

Don't use the paddles,
just rub me here.

There we go.

And if this is
the symbol for men,

Is this the symbol for women?

Don't jerk me off.
I won't. God bless.

Thank you.

And the surgery...
the surgery went amazing.

I had a doctor who had
done 4,000 surgeries.

All of them fucking amazing.
That was great.

You don't want a doctor
who's done six surgeries,

three of them haven't
gone that well.

You don't want a guy going,
let's see what happens.

And the surgery
was pretty amazing.

It went fantastic.
First thing to come back online,

Your heart...

Great. And then your brain.
Last thing, asshole.

The drugs make you
so constipated,

I thought they were gonna
have to bring in a priest

to do a rectal exorcism.

Demon turd, fall from his ass!

The power of fiber compels you!

The power of fiber compels you!

And after the surgery,
they put you on a little

self-medicator,
which is fucking great.

You're like...

I want to thank
my anesthesiologist,

'cause I don't fucking
remember his name.

And the drug they gave me
for the surgery

was a drug called propofol

which is nicknamed
milk of amnesia.

Fucking insane drug.

I had that
in a surgical situation.

Michael Jackson was
taking propofol at home

to sleep.
Fuck off.

A doctor said,
taking propofol to sleep

is like doing chemotherapy

because you're tired
of shaving your fucking head.

It's like, no.

And do you think
that when you die

and you get to the other
side in the afterlife,

they give you things
you had in life?

Like Michael got to the other
side and it's like, Michael?

Yes?

We have some
of your things here.

Really?

One African-American nose.
Is this yours?

Yes.

We have four others here.
Are these yours?

Three of them are mine.
One's Latoya's.

But you can't blame Michael. We're
a heavily medicated society.

All the drugs we take...
Prozac, Effexor, Valium.

I thought for the last 10 years

we've been on some weird fucking drug...
the whole country...

A drug called fuck-it-all.
What a weird fucking drug.

And we're just coming out of it
and we're kind of waking up.

It's like fuckin'-A.

It's weird.
It's like you're going,

The last thing I remember was
the economy was working

and there was a budget surplus.
Yeah.

Where's Clinton?
we impeached him.

Fuck!

For what?
a blowjob.

What?
Who did he blow, Putin?

No.

No!

He got blown by
a Jewish girl. wow!

He got head from a Jewish girl?
Fuckin'-A!

And they impeached him for that?
he lied about it.

He's married. Who wouldn't?
What the fuck?

No, he lied about it
to Congress.

And those fuckers
impeached him?!

That's like a group of lepers judging
a beauty contest. What the fuck?

Wow, that's nuts.

No!

And then they
acquitted him.

Cool, who was president
next, Gore?

No, Bush.
he was already president.

No, this was his son. oh, the one
from Florida. He's kinda cool.

No, the one from Texas?
junior?! Fuck.

My God, the one
who traded Sammy Sosa?

Fuck yeah.

How was he as president?
kinda goofy.

Really, he waved at Stevie
Wonder. what the fuck?

It's like wow.

And then what did he do?

He took a lot of vacations.
and then what happened?

We got attacked.
by who?

Osama bin Laden.
the guy from Afghanistan?

Didn't we used to send him weapons?
yeah, I know.

We went after him, right?
yeah. did we get him?

Almost.
what do you mean almost?

We went after Hussein because he
had weapons of mass destruction.

That guy from Syria.
I knew that fuck would do this.

No, the one from Iraq.
Saddam Hussein?!

Bush, senior, kicked his ass.
yeah, he did.

And we got him?
oh fuck, we got him.

And we found the weapons
of mass destruction?

Because he would tell
you where they are.

Well, they executed him.
fuck off!

And did you get bin Laden?
almost.

We got four of his
number threes. okay!

But he's in Afghanistan.
maybe.

He might be in Pakistan. let's
go after him in Pakistan.

There's a problem there.

They're allies and they have
weapons of mass destruction.

Oh no!
What about the economy?

Well, we had to bail out the
banks. again? fuck yeah!

And now who's the president?
a black guy. oh yeah, right.

Yeah yeah.

There's a black president and there's
a Latino on the supreme court.

There is. oh my God! Who's the
president... Jesse Jackson?

No, his name's Barack Hussein
Obama. now you're fucking with me.

Fuck off!

And that's where
we find ourselves today.

We have an African-American,
but he was not born in Africa.

Even though the birthers are
going, he was born in Africa!

Yes, and his campaign was financed
by a Nigerian prince on the intenet.

Come with me, my friend.

It's like their worst nightmare would
have been at the inauguration going,

Mr. Obama, you are now
President of the United States.

Hillary, work the booty,
work the booty, work the booty.

What the fuck?

And you have to break his name down.
It's Barack... blessing,

Hussein...
we know who that is,

Obama... it's an old Kenyan
word for Kennedy, cool!

The moment he was elected, Caucasian guilt
dropped lower than the stock market.

It was like a brother be going,
my man, could you spare a dollar?

I'm sorry, my good fellow,
but I voted for Obama.

Good fucking luck.
Take care.

And now you have Michelle. Michelle...
oh my God, girl, please!

Yeah, baby, oooh!

Like a combination Jackie Onassis
and Serena Williams,

Way to go.

She is so elegant
and she's got guns too,

Which is kinda cool. But you get
the feeling, as elegant as she is,

If you dis her man,
she will fuck your shit up.

She will. She will
open a can of whupass.

She will go from yes, we can
to oh, no you didn't.

And Obama got heckled
in Congress.

What the fuck is that? That would not
have happened if Cheney were there.

If Cheney were there...
oh no.

If someone had heckled W
Cheney would be like, bam!

Yeah!

Anybody else got a problem?

Cheney shot a man
in the face hunting quail.

I don't know about
east coast quail,

but California quail
are this fucking big.

You gotta drop kick them then
get them in the air going bam!

Shit happens!

And I love Cheney at the inauguration
looking like old man potter.

Like, good luck with the
economy, little African prince.

Take care, Simba.
Ha ha ha.

And he was transforming as we speak.
The last few years

he's been turning slowly
but surely into gollum.

Like, they don't likes us. Don't
give a shit! Not caring why.

Halliburton is the precious.
It's the precious.

And he's become an archetype now.
It's the type of thing

that if you want to frighten a
little child, you just have to say,

if you're not good,

The Cheneyman
will get you.

Nooooo!

And what's W doing now?
He's a motivational speaker.

Kinda cool.

It's kinda like having Lindsey
Lohan as a guidance counselor.

Way to go.

And I love... I love the fact that
they're talking about opening

the George W. Bush library,
which I think, wow!

That's kind of like the Colonel
Sanders Culinary Academy.

Just the concept alone boggles your mind.

And they've already talked about
making it very interactive,

which I think is code
for not so many books.

And I hope they have some of
his great quotes on the walls,

like, a lot of our imports
come from other countries.

Yes!

The question that's never asked:
Is our children learning?

Didn't know that.

People misunderestimate me. that's
not even a fucking word. Way to go!

And you've got to cut 'W'
some slack, man.

He comes from a family where the smart
brother is named Jeb, number one.

And he had a wicked
coke problem.

And why did
he have to stop doing blow?

Because I believe one day
he was like,

shit, my mom's on the dollar bill!
God damn.

Gotta cut this shit out.

And near the end of his term, even
world leaders were dissing his ass.

There'd be the world economic leaders
conference and they'd all be up there,

Going, oh, shit, here comes Skippy.
Fuck off.

And he'd be up there like a kid at a
graduation, like, nobody likes me.

This is bullshit.
This is crazy-ass shit.

But there was one guy who treated
W with kindness and respect.

And that man was Tony Blair.

Tony Blair and W was like the United
Nations production of Rainman.

It was wonderful.

There was sweetness.

Tony...
Tony'd be going to 'W',

'W', do you know
the price of gas?

definitely don't know the price of gas.
Don't know the price of gas.

do you have an economic
stimulus package?

definitely have an economic
stimulus package. Might work.

Definitely might work. Give each and
every American over the age of 20

$1 million. Tax them at
a flat tax rate of 10%.

Gives back the government $100,000,
gives each and every person $900,000.

Might stimulate locally and personally.
Definitely might work.

Definitely might work.

but 'W'... 'W', do you
know the price of gas?

definitely don't know
the price of gas.

And the definition
of insanity is

repeating the same action,
expecting a different outcome.

We elected him the second
time, the whole world went,

what the fuck is going on
with you people?

But now we still
have comedy though.

We still have
great comedy out there.

There's always rambling Joe Biden.
What the fuck?

Joe says things that even people
with tourette's go, no.

No.

What is going on?

Joe is like your uncle

who's on a new drug
and hasn't got the dosage right.

I'm proud to work with Barack America.
he's not a superhero, you idiot.

Come mere. when FDR was
was on television...

There was no TV back then.
Come here, Joe. Bzzzt! Sit down.

And then you always have Senators
willing to push the comedy envelope.

Like Senator Larry Craig...
a guy who tried to pick up

a man in a men's room
by Morse code.

How the fuck do you do that?
How do you go,

will... You...
Blow... Me?

Maybe.

And...

There's always Governor Sanford.
He's a piece of work.

I'm going for a hike
on the Appalachian Trail.

Where does it end?
Patagonia.

Oh, fuck off.

And if always,
if you want comedy

there is always Sarah Palin.
God bless.

She is wonderful.
Sarah...

Sarah is a self-opening pinata.
She is a gift.

How did they find her?
Was it project running mate?

Is that how they got her?

Did Ronald Reagan have a kid with Vanna
White and drop it off in Alaska?

And it was raised by wolves
and that's why she hunts them?

You're not my dad.
You're not my dad.

And she says amazing things

like, I know about Russia because
I can see it from my backyard.

You have super vision,
number one.

I can see San Quentin
from my backyard

but that doesn't qualify me
on prison reform.

What the fuck?
And it's incredible too.

She said, polar bears are not endangered.
They're just unlucky.

Oh, really?

And who knew Katie Couric was
the cutting edge of journalism

with ambush questions like,
what do you read?

well...

Well, that's
a trick question.

Not if you read, no.

You know the basic difference
between her and Cheney?

She shoots you, game over.

She will have you gutted and standing
on the wall next to Barbara Walters.

In the last few days
of the election

she got really sexy.
She let the hair down.

I thought the last day of the
election she was gonna pop the Prada

and be like... yeah!

How do you like my northern
slopes now, boys?

Drill, baby.
Drill, baby, drill.

And do you think the whole time
she was running for office

Clinton was sitting
at home going,

where was she when
I was in office?

Shit.

God damn.

She is hot.
Whoa.

That's a milf. That's a mother
I'd like to filibuster. Yeah.

And Bill did some
good work recently.

He went to North Korea,
got the two girls home.

Way to go, Bill. Way to go.
Got them back. Way to go.

Good job.

But I wanted to be in the room
when Kim Jong IL came in the room

and went, so, Bill Clinton.

You bring me the pictures
I asked you for?

I have on my big boy glasses.

I want those pictures
and Clay Aiken.

why do you want
Clay Aiken?

you know why I want Clay Aiken.

That's how I 'roro.'

That's how I 'rororo.'

That's what I like.

And you think when Bill
got back from North Korea

and Hillary got back from Africa,
that was a rough dinner?

Hillary went, Bill,
congratulations on North Korea.

we'll baby, it was a happy ending.
Shit, wrong words.

come again, Bill?

not this time, baby.
Not this time.

And people got mad at Hillary

that she didn't go
trailer park on Bill's ass

during the Monica
Lewinsky thing.

That she didn't start throwing
his shit on the white House lawn

like, Bill Clinton,
you lying sack of shit!

How could you find the only Jewish
girl who couldn't get a stain out?

You asshole!

Damn you!

And he'd be on the lawn
like an episode of Cops

going, I love you, baby!

Depends on what your
definition of is is.

And when Hillary
ran for president

there were a lot of guys going,
I don't know about a woman president.

What are you worried about?
You worried every 28 days

she'll be going, I can't talk to Putin.
Not today.

I'm just gonna balance my budget
and watch my stories.

She's in her 60s. She has her
own global warming right now,

Number one.

She is one tough ass woman.

And you don't necessarily
want sexy.

I know when Sarah ran a lot of guys
are going, she energizes my base.

Yeah, all right.
But necessarily...

Sexy and world leaders,
not necessarily the case.

Especially with female
world leaders.

Throughout history...
Elizabeth I, Catherine the Great,

Golda Meir, Indira Gandhi...

These are women you may
not want to fuck,

but you definitely don't want
to fuck with them.

They are scary women.
Oh my God.

Whoo.

And if you don't think a woman
can handle a military situation,

ask the Argentineans.
They were going,

Margaret Thatcher, that crazy
coño sank a battleship.

She is nuts.

She was Julia Child
on steroids going,

I will sink your shit
right now.

I will open a can of whupass
on you little brown men.

I will do it right now.

And you have to look at the
English Royal Family and realize

all that money and no dental plan.
How sad.

So sad indeed.

But if you want sex in politics

the French are always
there to top everyone.

The French have
a president, Sarkozy,

whose wife fucked Mick Jagger.
Way to go.

The French look at the Americans like,
top that, little puritans.

Take care.

And I believe there's one man
we could run for office

that even the French
would go, fuck off.

That man is Jack Nicholson.
Yes!

Oh yeah, baby.

He's nuts. You'll never have
a sex scandal with Jack

because he has fucked everyone.

I had Angelina Jolie
and afterwards she adopted me.

What?

And he's done every known
drug known to mankind.

He'd be the only guy in the world
that Keith Richards would go,

I have to go home now, Jack.

No, I really do.
It's fucking over.

Where you running, you pussy?
Get back here.

It's so weird too.
If you elect celebrities

it's always not a great idea.

Because in California
we are a 60% Hispanic state.

We elected an Austrian Governor.

Even old Nazis are going,
that's weird.

He has a hard time even
saying the name of the state.

Arnold, where are you Governor?
Caforna.

What?
Cafornaa.

And he's married
to a Kennedy, Maria Shriver,

Who has been getting thinner and
fucking thinner and smaller.

I believe he is sucking
the Kennedy out of her.

Slowly but surely becoming
a Kennedy by assimilation.

Which is kind of cool. That's how you get
a liberal Republican, which is neat.

It's like a Volvo
with a gun rack.

You don't see a lot of them.

And in terms
of energy policies...

21st century. Stem cell research...
21st century.

Immigration...
Arnold's a little old school.

Arnold, how will you
handle immigration?

I will build a wall.

And even the Chinese go,
that will not fucking work.

They will go around
around your wall.

And who will build the wall?

The people you are trying
to fucking keep out.

So maybe you want to invent some
self-picking fruit real quickly.

Come with me right now.

And...

In California we barely
balanced the budget.

They were coming up with weird
alternatives to balance the budget

like selling San Quentin as real estate.
What the fuck?

Is this like, are you going to
open some sort of severe spa?

These are the lovely
sodomy suites.

Come with me over here.

Don't sit in that chair...
Zzzp... Too late.

Thank you.

And they're gonna
close Guantanamo.

And I go, what are you
gonna open there?

Maybe an amusement park.
We'll call is Muslim Mountain.

It'll be cool.
What will the water slide be?

We strap you to a board and send
you head first in to a pool.

Good luck.

And where are they gonna send
all those guys from Guantanamo?

People in Texas are going,
we'll take 'em.

Zzzp... No, you can't...
zzzp... No!

And the whole budget crisis,

The whole manic recession, we've just
come through this manic recession.

Remember the banks saying,
we're too big to fail?

It's like saying too fat to diet.
What are you doing?

Remember they came to us going,
we need $500 billion?

We went, okay, here you go.
A week later...

we need some more.

You fuckers are economic
freebasing.

What are you doing?

They're like a group of junkies
who've relapsed and are going,

oh my man, listen.

I just need some liquidity,
you know what I'm saying?

I just ran into some bad
subprime, you know?

We had some complex formulas.

We just didn't factor
in greed and panic.

Yeah.

I just need $805 billion
by Tuesday.

I would not fuck you again.

My God, it was insane.
In the midst of all this,

there was Bernie Madoff.

An embezzler named
made-off.

Yes.

Was the name not a clue?

Did he have to be with
the accounting firm

of Dewy, Fuck you & Howe?

And now Bernie's in prison

where insider trading
is a whole other game.

The bull market is what your ass
will bear, motherfucker.

Let's do this.

Payback's a bitch.
Yeah.

And then the automobile
companies needed help.

And I thought, wait a minute.

Wouldn't it be cool
if the oil companies

gave a little money to
the automobile companies?

I know it's like your dealer
paying for rehab,

but why not?
Give it a shot.

And now we're trying to get
off the petroleum titty.

It's like we're trying to kick it.
And how are we doing this?

We're looking for
alternative fuels.

Some of the alternative fuels
are a hydrogen powered car.

Cool idea. If you're thinking
of a hydrogen powered car,

I have one word for you...
Hindenburg. Good luck.

A more interesting gas
and a lot more fun is helium.

Number one with helium, you
could float over the potholes.

And if you get into an accident you get
out of the car with road rage going...

I'm gonna kick your ass.

What?
Oh my God.

I've got a fuel leak.
How weird is that?

I can't kick your ass.
I sound like a chipmunk.

This is nuts.

Look at all the clowns getting
out of the trunk of my car.

Fuck off.

And I've found another
alternative fuel.

And I found it by accident.

I was having my morning coffee, and I
have my morning coffee for two reasons.

One, to kick start my brain.
Number two, and more importantly,

to jumpstart my colon.
More importantly.

The moment I have my morning
coffee it's like,

morning, everybody.
Fire in the hole!

Son, open the bathroom door.

I don't care if
you're rubbing one out,

I've got to drop a resume.
Open the door.

And even the dog is going,
he's leaking methane!

There's a dead canary
in the corner like...

And I went, wait a minute.

I'm leaking methane.

I'm my own fuel source.

How about this for a new car?

The new ford colon.
How about this?

Here's the ad:

Me shirt, no pants,
tube in my ass.

Hi, I'm Robin Williams.

I've just had
a black bean burrito.

That's right, I'm gonna drive
all the way from San Francisco

to Washington, DC.

Yup, the shit's hit the fan
and it's powering my car.

Won't you join us?
Fuck green, go brown.

Come on.

Come with us now.

Another alternative fuel
is ethanol.

And people from the South are going,
that's moonshine, motherfucker.

Damn right.

And ethanol is pure
grain alcohol.

No better car in the world to
drive if you're an alcoholic.

If you get stopped by the police
you can get out of the car going,

officer, I've had
a few cocktails.

My car, however,
is totally fucked up.

Even the cheap gas
in the car is going,

I don't know where
the fuck I am

a God damn tree just
jumped out at me.

And Hyundai makes a car
that can park itself.

I'm going, where the fuck were
you when I was drinking?

God damn!

What a great car. You get in
the car a little loaded going,

Shall I drive home?
Fuck yeah.

And before you do, blow me.

And what a great new car.
The new Ford fellatio.

That would be a car.

It gets you off
before it gets you there.

And most cars now have GPS
which is kind of cool.

I have a GPS in my car. I was
driving across the Golden Gate Bridge.

I was halfway across and all
of a sudden the car went,

take a right turn.

What?

No can do, Hal.

I'm not that depressed really.

And the car went, really, Robin?
I saw 'Bicentennial Man.

Shut the fuck up!

Damn you.

And it's a bitchy
English voice too.

It goes, in one quarter mile,
take a right turn.

In one eighth mile
take a right turn.

There it was.

You missed it, Magellan.

Shall I reroute?

I who has access
to 12 satellites?

You who doesn't look at
a fucking piece of paper?

And maybe they should have
a GPS that ages with you.

It becomes age appropriate.
So eventually the car's going,

there's your turn!
Hello!

No no, that's not it.
Maybe the next one.

That could be it.
That might be it.

Yeah, that's the one. There used
to be a gas station there, yeah.

Yeah.

Right.

That's when gas was
a nickel a gallon.

That's it, yeah.

I want a Scottish GPS 'cause I think
that would be an honest GPS.

It would be going,
there's your turn.

You fucking missed it,
you idiot.

Take another fucking right turn.

Take one more fucking right turn.

Take one more fucking
right turn.

There's your fucking view.

Yeah!

They say that Bob Dillon
is gonna be making a GPS.

I want that GPS

driving down the road.
Up ahead there's a light.

Very soon very soon you're
gonna have to take a right.

Driving along, driving along,

Driving in the land of the free.

So remember to pull off,
you have to take a pee.

Do it now.

Pull up ahead.
Don't try to stop.

Oh God, oh God.
Look out, there's a cop.

Look out.
I'm just trying to direct you

as one wealthy Hebrew.

And it's cool now.
If you see someone driving alone

talking like this...

Hopefully they're hands-free and
not out of their fucking mind.

'Cause in the old days if you saw
someone driving and talking like...

And they're alone you go,
change fucking lanes.

And hands-free means hands
free to talk on the phone.

This does not mean find another
activity for your hands,

Like text messaging.
No no.

Texting and driving
at the same time

is like jerking off and juggling
at the same time.

Too many balls in the air,
if you catch my drift.

And unless you're gonna develop
an eye like a chameleon

where one looks down
and one looks ahead,

your brain will eventually go,
I can't do this!

I am intextificated.
This is insane.

And when you get out of the car

take out the Bluetooth,
O, Seven of Nine.

Join us.
Come back, yes.

Oh please.
It's all right.

'Cause you'll be wearing the
Bluetooth and deaf people are going,

are you hearing? No, you're just
an asshole with a Bluetooth.

Fuck you.

And then there's always that
awkward Bluetooth conversation.

You're in an elevator,
you can't see the Bluetooth

and some guy's going,
hi, gorgeous.

Thank you.
not you. Fuck you.

No, fuck you.
No, I want to fuck you.

I don't want to fuck you.
Fuck you, God damn it.

The homeless people are going,
that's my act, you asshole.

I talk to people.
I hear voices.

I just don't have
call waiting. What the fuck?

And if you wear
a Bluetooth 24/7,

I'm sure there are no
long-term effects.

And thank you for not filming
me with your phones tonight,

Because phones now are cameras.

There was a lady filming me the
other night. You could see 'em.

There's a fucking red light, bitch.
I see it.

And I said, turn it off. And she
went, how will I remember?

I went, the old fashioned way.

You will have to tell
people what you saw.

That you saw a hairy comedian.

Because you see,
it's not big brother anymore.

It's little snitch. It's like, I see you.
I fucking see you.

I see you.
I fucking see you.

And it's also too weird.
Because your phone...

You can Google on your phone.

I googled the word corkscrew

and it said,
did you mean cocksucker?

No.

But while you're there...

And texting... the whole texting thing...
I walked into a Starbucks,

There were all these little girls sitting
around like a cyber witch's coven.

They were like...

Not saying a fucking word.
Just...

Finally one of them looked
up and went, I know.

And you twitter.
Twitter, or tweeting.

It's not the root word. It's not twit,
it's tweet. Okay, cool.

Is it rude to twitter
during sex?

To go, O.M.G.
O.M.G.W.T.F.Z.Z.Z.?

Is that rude?

And is there something
called clittoring

where you play with the little
button on your Blackberry?

What are you doing?
I'm clittoring. Ha ha ha!

And Twitter broke the other day.

Twitter went down. What the fuck
happened to all those people then?

Where they like, my thumbs!

My thumbs are moving
for no fucking reason!

What the fuck is that?
a book.

Who are you?
dad.

I'm miss you.

Let's talk.

When you walk into their room...

my son has four screens
going simultaneously.

He's got a game on here,
he's playing a move over here.

He's also downloading,
he's texting.

He's got all this stuff going
and people go, that's ADD.

I go, bullshit, he's multitasking.
Fuck off.

And then suddenly
I've become my father.

Your mother
and I weren't online.

We did lines, my friend.
I'll tell you that.

You do 50,000 hits,
we did five hits.

That's how much we needed.

And we didn't have Twitter.
We had shitter.

That was my chat room.

We had useless conversations.

We just didn't fucking
share them with the world.

What are you doing?
Oh, you're playing with your Wii.

Oh, you got a joystick.
Yeah.

I had a joystick growing up,
except mine was fucking attached.

Yeah.

And it was a first-person
shooter too, yeah!

God damn it.

I miss human contact.

Even on the phone
for directory assistance.

It's like, city
and state, please.

Washington, DC.

What would you like?
Constitution Hall.

Did you say
Kennedy Center?

No.

Constitution Hall.

Did you say Congressional Ball?

No.

Consti... and it starts to become
like The Miracle Worker.

Constitution Hall.

Did you say cocksucker?

No, I didn't say cocksucker!

Would you like to talk
to a person?

Fuck yes!

If you'd like to talk
to a person, press one.

If you'd like to talk to someone
in English press two.

Are you sure you don't want to talk
to someone in Spanish? Press three.

Press four if you'd like
to move to the next menu.

Press five if you're getting
somewhat irritated.

Press six if you're my bitch.

Press seven.
You know you want to.

Press eight, daddy.
Do it. Press nine.

What are the chances of talking
to a real person?

Zero, press it!

Beep!

Beep!

Beep!

Hello.
Did you want to talk to a real person?

Yes!

Oh, my God, yes!

Yes!
Where are you?

You're a real person?
very much so.

Where are you?
I am on the phone with you.

What is your name?
Thomas Edison.

Don't fuck with me, Thomas.

Don't fuck with me, mork.
I know who you are.

What?

I know about you
googling cocksucker,

So don't piss me off.

And I have access
to a nuclear device.

And I can say it unlike your former
president, so don't fucking piss me off.

Change a light bulb, change a light bulb,
change a light bulb now.

China is now outsourcing many
American products as we speak.

You send us your cat food,
we send it back to you...

sorry about kitty.

We make your toys.
Oh, Timmy can't take lead?

How sad for him.

And now Chinese families
are adopting American lesbians.

Payback is a bitch.
Now...

China makes
a lot of money off us.

But we're gonna get
some money back soon

because they're gonna open
a Disneyland in Shanghai.

It'll be cool. It'll have
characters like Mickey Mao.

There'll be duck Xiaoping.

You go down main street...
there'll be 12 Donald Ducks

hanging upside down in the market.
That'll be cool.

And there'll be the village
people's republic going,

♪ young Mao,
there's a place you can go ♪

♪ I say, young Mao. ♪

And before the Olympics

the Tibetans were demonstrating
against the Chinese.

It was kind of sad too, because
the Chinese accused the Tibetans

of being terrorists,
which is weird.

A Tibetan terrorist is like an Amish
hacker... it just doesn't fit.

And then California went, we are
gonna boycott Chinese products

in sympathy with the
Tibetans. then they went,

fuck, they make everything.

And they even make the
free Tibet stickers,

So it's fucking insane.

And the weird thing
in the Chinese Olympics,

Beijing... one of the most
polluted cities in the world.

During the Olympics no pollution.
How did they pull this off?

I believe they sent one
billion Chinese into Beijing.

Everyone breathe in...

One of my favorite events
during the Olympics

was women's gymnastics,
which is kind of a misnomer.

These are not women.
These are Shetland females.

And some of the events are a little...

Like the uneven parallel bars is a
bit like horizontal pole dancing.

It's like, daddy would like to watch
this alone, if you don't mind.

And who invented that event?

Was there some German
at a playground going,

here's my idea for girls
in tight clothing...

I want you to put on spandex

and then spin around
on the upper bar,

and slam your vagina into
the lower bar, spin around.

Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?

Spread your legs
and then dismount

and make it look
like you had a good time.

What?

Weird.

And they do all this
incredible stuff.

And if their foot goes one inch
to the right, you're fucked!

And who invented
the pommel horse?

Was it a cowboy with ADD going,
I'm on the horse, I'm off the horse,

I'm on the horse,
I'm off the horse?

No.

My favorite athletes
of any Olympics

are always the African
distance runners.

You never have to drug-test
an African distance runner.

Are you on drugs?
no, I'm looking for food.

And I'm sure in Kenya,

there's a chicken that runs
a sub-two-hour marathon.

You just won the New York marathon.
How do you feel?

What did he say?

He's wondering where
the Ethiopians are.

One of my favorite
runners of all time

was Abebe Bikila. He was an
Ethiopian distance runner

and he won the Rome Olympics
running barefoot.

He was then sponsored by Adidas.

He ran the next Olympics,

He carried the fucking shoes.

No performance enhancement
there, no way.

Because always people are looking
for performance enhancement.

Cut to the American swim team with their
new porpoise foreskin swimsuits...

Full-body condom swimsuits.
What the fuck was going on?

These guys were shaved like a
Brazilian hooker to begin with.

What was going on? Was there one
pubic hair like...

And they put on that
full-body condom...

even the penis is like,
I'm in here. Help me.

But I realized
the moment you do that...

No nutsack drag.

You're a Ken doll all of a sudden.
Are you ready to swim?

I think so.

But no more...
no more nutsack drag.

.05 nutsack drag
with this.

Then you get to the end
of the pool .05 faster.

Why?
No nutsack drag.

And the French
got pissed off going,

they have no nutsack drag.
They're cheating.

And Michael Phelps is
on the box of frosted flakes.

Then he gets caught smoking weed

and then take him off
the box of frosted flakes.

This is a failure in marketing, my friends.

Listen, if you're basically
having frosted flakes

and you're older
than 10 years old

and it's after 10:00
in the morning...

I'm gonna guess

weed may be involved.

And you can't tell me

Marijuana is
a performance-enhancing drug.

Fuck off.

It's only a performance-enhancing drug

if there's a fucking chocolate
bar at the end of the pool.

Then even a one-legged
swimmer will go,

I will beat your ass.

But performance enhancement
doesn't always include drugs.

Cut to miss Semenya, the South
African middle-distance runner

who turns out to be a he/she.
She's a hermaphrodite.

She can have her own biathlon...
kind of neat.

But this is not new.

The East Germans used to have
really butch female sprinters.

Olga, you just won the 100 meters.
How do you feel?

Really good.

Is that a penis?

No, just a very large
clitoris.

Oh.

And the Germans used to give their
athletes pure fucking speed.

They would finish a race going, Hans,
you just won a race. How do you feel?

wonderful!

But the spiders are
crawling all over me again.

And the one drug they seem to have
the most problem with is steroids.

And there are always these poor
fuckers who get caught doing steroids

and they deny it, and yet they
look like a Mardi Gras float.

Bubba, are you doing steroids?

No.

Where's your neck?

I haven't seen it
for a while.

What about your balls?

I don't know.

You're taking horse genome.

No!

No.

And it's weird too. Why would
people take steroids in football

when in football the
object of the game is

to be a big fucking
mountain of flesh

breaking past another
mountain of flesh

and grabbing the little guy and
going, tell me about the rabbits?

That's the game.

But maybe if you get caught
doing steroids

instead of kicking you
off the team

you have to take another drug
like ecstasy to compensate?

It's gonna make the huddles
a lot more fun.

You're gonna come
into the huddle like, hi.

Sorry about the long count.
I just felt such love.

And the other drug that people are
doing is human growth hormone.

I first heard about human
growth hormone from Nick Nolte

who was telling me the advances
of human growth hormone.

He was like, Robin, human
growth hormone is amazing.

It's taking 20...
argh!

He went fucking stiff
as a board.

And I went, I'll get back to you, Nick.
Good luck.

Insane.

But there was one guy...
one guy

who had an amazing claim to fame
in terms of drugs and sport.

His name was Dock Ellis.

And Dock Ellis did
an incredible thing.

The one person who knows...
thank you.

Dock Ellis pitched
a no-hitter on LSD.

Those who have taken LSD,

tell the others
how hard that might be.

Fuck off.

If I took LSD, I'd be talking
to every blade of grass like,

sorry sorry.

To walk into a major-league
baseball stadium like...

the whole field is like...

fuck fuck fucfuck.

All the fans in the stadium
like...

the umpire walks out,
it's Shiva...

The catcher steps out. Instead of a
mask he's wearing a Samurai mask.

Instead of a glove, it's a vagina.
come to daddy!

The batter walks out. Instead
of cleats, he's got hooves.

Yes, instead of a bat, it's a cobra.

You walk out on the mound, even your
glove's going, this is fucking weird.

The ball...
yes, I love you.

Let's do this.
do it, daddy, do it.

Past the cobra, into the vagina.

For nine fucking innings?

Fuck me.

It's like, wow.

He should have his own
black-light room

at the Hall of Fame.

When I was growing up
they used to say,

Robin, drugs can
kill you.

And now that I'm 58,
my doctor's going,

Robin, you need drugs
to live.

And I realized my doctor's
my dealer now

and a lot harder
to get ahold of.

And he's always giving me
free samples like,

yo, Robin,

some Lipitor, motherfucker.
Try it out.

That's all I can
hook you up with right now.

I got an HMO on my back, baby.
That's all I can do.

And it's weird too... these
drugs have side effects

that go on for fucking days,

Like tendency to grow another head.
Oh my God.

When we were growing up we knew the side
effects of the drugs we were taking.

Cocaine... side effects were
paranoia and ninjas on the lawn.

I remember that.

Quaaludes... side effects were

talking in tongues, English as a
second language. I remember that.

Marijuana... side effects
side were laughter

and frosted flakes.
That's all I remember.

But now there are side effects
which fucking rival the syndrome.

There's a syndrome called
restless leg syndrome.

What the fuck is that? A tendency
to break out into a Riverdance?

Like, oh, dear Christ.

Grandma's got fucking
restless leg syndrome.

Take care of kids.
I'm on my way to Dublin.

Take care.

And side effects include
compulsive gambling

and obsessive sexual behavior.

That's not a side effect.
That's fucking Vegas.

They should just give you a bus
ticket and say, good luck.

And how soon before
they have a drug

where side effects may include
rectal ventriloquism?

If your asshole starts talking,

call the doctor

or get friends over 'cause
it's gonna be a fun night.

And what a great side effect
for a politician.

I was never with that woman.
liar!

Liar!

He's an asshole
and so am I!

And the one drug they give you

that's kind of wonderful before
the surgery was Viagra...

A great drug,
amazing, a lot of fun.

After open-heart surgery...
not so much fun.

Taking Viagra
after open-heart surgery

is like a civil war reenactment
with live ammo... not good.

It's a duel to the death between
your dick and your heart.

The moment you take it,
your penis is like,

I'm 25.
Yes! Let's do this!

And your heart's going,
bullshit.

We're just back online,
you asshole.

Slow down. I'm gonna put
a cramp in your calf.

Argh!

And your penis is going,
I've still got the hips.

Ramming speed,
let's do this.

And your heart's going,
I'm throwing your back out.

Fuck off. Argh!

And your penis is going, I'm still hard.
We're going in. Yeah!

And your heart's going, I'm opening
up your asshole.

Argh!

Are you coming?

no, I think
I'm fucking dying.

And when you finally
do come after an hour...

And after an hour even my penis
is going, I got shit to do.

After an hour when you
finally come it's like,

Argh! Agh!

One drop of sperm...

With two 50-year-old
sperms going,

where the fuck are we?

I never thought
I'd be called into action.

This is crazy.

I'm sure if you had a microscope,
they both would have walkers, like,

keep moving.

My tail is cramping,
God damn it.

Head towards the tits.
I know my way from there.

And I'm sure there's two other
sperms in my balls going,

wait here.

If she puts a finger
in the ass, then we go.

Yes, indeed.

But there's another drug...

Another drug they don't
tell you is a drug.

It's a class-4 narcotic...
alcohol.

And the only warning they have
on the bottle of alcohol is

don't drink this if you're pregnant.
Bullshit. That's how you got pregnant.

And alcohol is especially dangerous
for people like myself...

Alcoholics, or you can say
ethanol-challenged,

whatever you want to call it.

And people go, now, Robin, how
do I know if I'm an alcoholic?

Well, as one, let me give you
some warning signs.

Number one... after a
night of heavy drinking

you wake up fully-clothed going,
hey, somebody shit in my pants.

Number two...

you have a couple of cocktails and you
find yourself on the freeway going,

what are these fuckers doing going
the wrong way?... number two.

Number three...
you get drunk,

you go out for Indian food,

you wake up in Bombay with a
camel licking your balls.

Ta-dah!
You are an alcoholic.

And some people say, Robin,
I'm a functioning alcoholic.

You can be one. It's like being
a paraplegic lap dancer.

You can do it,

just not as well
as the others really.

And they say alcoholism is
peer pressure. Bullshit.

Peer pressure for an alcoholic
is, psst, come here.

And I believe alcoholics
are God's rodeo clowns.

We're the ones doing the stupid
shit nobody else will do.

We're the ones coming out of chute
number five on a fifth of vodka like,

yee-haw! looking for
a woman who's going,

you're the one.
yeah!

And we're moody
little motherfuckers too,

'cause we'll be like, God
damn it, man, I love you.

I'll fucking kill you.

Step outside.
I'll kick my ass.

God damn it, let's do this.

Poor me.
Goddamn poor me.

Pour me
another drink.

And we think we're sexy too,

'cause we'll come up
to women going like,

hey, baby.
Were your parents retarded?

Because you sure are
special.

And we see
nothing wrong with that.

We've got backup. If that
doesn't work, we go,

hey, sit on my face.
I'll guess your weight.

Yeah!

And ladies, if you take an
alcoholic home for the night,

oh, good luck.
You're in for a fun evening.

It's like playing pool with a rope.
Good fucking luck.

He'll be like, I love you.

I love you.

And the next morning,
that all-important question,

who the fuck
are you?

Oh my God. Well, at least
I'll get a sweater.

Cool.
Fuckin'-A.

'cause, you see,
as an alcoholic,

you will violate your standards
quicker than you can lower them.

You will do shit
that even the devil would go,

dude.

And there's a voice that tells
alcoholics we can drink.

It's the same voice you hear if you can
go up to the top of a very large building

and you look over the side, there's
a little voice that goes, jump.

You can fly.

Even though your asshole
is going, no, you can't.

And if you ever thought about
jumping off a tall building,

there was a guy who jumped
off the Golden Gate Bridge

and he survived. And he said this...
he said,

halfway down I thought
it was a bad idea.

And some things you may want to stay
away from while drinking heavily:

Ebay... not a good idea.

Ebay and alcoholism...
a perfect storm addiction.

You'll find yourself
up to your ass

in George Foreman grills
and shamwows.

Another thing you don't want
to do while really drunk

is get a tattoo.
I did.

I got really loaded. I got a
tattoo in mandarin that says

happiness and laughter
right here.

I think it says that. I've never had a
Chinese person that close to my balls

going, that's what it says.

But I had a friend
get really fucked up

and he got a tattoo in mandarin that's
supposed to say golden warrior.

And a Chinese friend said,
no, it says 'ass monkey.

Then the idiot went out
and got drunk again

and got a tattoo in Hindu that was
supposed to say dawn of enlightenment.

And a Hindu friend said,
no, it says 'deliveries on Tuesday.

So he is not the ass monkey
who delivers on Tuesday

for the rest of his life.

And girls, if you want
to get that lovely tattoo

of the sunrise
rising out of your ass crack...

gorgeous when you're 20,
but when you're 50

it's an octopus chasing
a fucking starfish.

So no.

Be careful.

And if they made a drug that allowed
you to drink and not get drunk,

an alcoholic would go, what
happens if you take two? No.

'Cause we have these things
called blackouts as alcoholics.

It's not really blackouts. It's more
like sleepwalking with activities.

Kind of strange.
I believe it's your conscience

going into
a witness protection program.

It's your conscience going,

you're about to fuck a hobbit.

I gotta go.
Good luck.

I'm gonna leave the dick on and after
an hour I'm opening up the asshole,

but that didn't stop you Tuesday.
Good luck. Take care.

And alcoholics,
we're like assholes.

We can't wait to shit on everybody...
family, friends.

We'll be like, fuck you,
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Go fuck yourself.
Fuck you. Fuck.

I'm fucked.

And they tried to send my
ass to rehab, and I went,

yeah yeah yeah.

And I went to rehab in wine country
just to keep my options open.

And while I was in rehab I read
an article in The Inquirer

about my being drunk. It was like,
that poor fuck. Oh, fuck, that's me.

And the weird thing too

about when you read articles
in The Inquirer or TMZ

and you're looking at all these assholes
going, those poor motherfuckers.

And only the Germans could come
up with the word for that...

Feeling pleasure
at other people's misfortune.

It's called schadenfreude.
And only the Germans could go,

we found the fucking word for that.
God bless you.

I was once
on a German talk show.

And if you want to go on one,
it's a lot of fun.

It's really fun. And I was
on this German talk show

and this woman said to me,
she said, Mr. Williams,

why do you think there's not
so much comedy in Germany?

And I said, did you and ever think
you killed, all the funny people?

And it was...

And here's what got interesting.

She didn't bat an eyelash.
She just went, no.

At that point even God's
going, do you get it?

German comedy: Knock knock,
we ask the questions.

It's like the French
production of Anne Frank...

she's upstairs!

And we have a German Pope now.

How do you get a German Pope?
Well, it's a tough gig.

They don't retire the jersey
like Magic Johnson.

You stay in the chair
to the bitter end.

Remember John Paul II?
It was like,

In nomine patris, ET filii,
ET spiritus sancti.

We're lucky he didn't have dementia
in the Yankee Stadium, going,

everybody gets pudding.

Chocolate pudding.
Chocolate pudding.

And when the pope dies,

the Vatican finds out you're
dead the old-fashioned way:

They have a guy come
with a silver hammer...

not Maxwell... but he comes
and he basically comes in...

he basically comes in and goes, pwap!
And if the Pope goes,

one more week!
He's got another week!

And the moment the Pope dies,

they take him through
Saint Peter's Basilica

and 50,000 cell phones
are like...

And I'm sure that was
his last wish.

When I die,

I want to be
a screen saver.

And then what happens?

The College of Cardinals, they
all go into a small dark room

and the only thing that
comes out is smoke.

And I'm going,
what are you doing in there?

And I believe they have
DA Vinci's hookah.

And they're inside getting
a little loaded, going...

I got a crazy idea.

No no no, wait wait wait!
Wait, listen, this is crazy.

No, wait!

The last Pope was Polish, right?

Yeah, no, wait...
this is a good one! Hold on.

How about this?
No, wait, this is crazy.

How about this?
A Nazi!

No no, Hitler youth. It's like
boy scouts with artillery.

It's great! It'll scare
the shit out of the Jews.

They'll be like, 'oy!'

And I was hoping,
rather than a German Pope,

they would do something cool
like a Latin American Pope, man.

That would have been cool,
like Pope Enrique.

Yeah!
That would be cool.

And he'd have
the cool pope-mobile,

like, Ave Maria!

Check it out...

or a Brazilian Pope, 'cause then you
could have the samba nuns in the thongs,

going, come on
back to the church.

Come on back to the church.

You know you want to come back
to the church.

Come on back to
the church.

I'm sure the kids would go,
fuck the internet!

I'm going back to church.

But it's weird.

The Vatican and homosexuality...
oil, water.

The Pope is always, homosexuality
is an abomination.

Time out.
you're the Pope? yes.

you're dressed like
Freddy Mercury's stunt double.

Your purse is on fire and you're
surrounded by hundreds of boys.

And you've had kind of a problem
in the after-school area.

And why is there a problem with
pedophilia in the Catholic Church?

Well, it's a big deal. You
become a priest... retire this.

And once a week, we're gonna
put you in a small dark box

and people are gonna tell you
their nastiest sexual shit.

Bless me, father,
for I have sinned.

yes, my son?

last night I had sex
with two Thai twins,

a slip 'n slide,

a diving helmet,

and a ferret.

could you say that
slower, my son?

And I believe the Vatican's
gonna come out one day

and come out big.
It's gonna be...

♪ In nomine patris... ♪

♪ ET spiritus santi! ♪

♪ One secular sensation ♪

♪ All the folks you meet ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA
DA DA! ♪

♪ One singular salvation ♪

♪ Every word on
the street! ♪

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA! ♪

And there still will be
the evangelicals going,

homosexuality
is a sickness.

And the same Reverend will be caught
buying crack from a gay prostitute

going, we were just
playing tummy swords.

And then he'll deny it going,
I did not perform a homosexual act.

no, you didn't.
Elton John is a homosexual act.

You just blew that guy.
It's okay.

And this Reverend went to
rehab for homosexuality.

I'm going, I was in rehab.
I didn't see that wing.

There was no cockenders
in my rehab.

And is homosexuality
a preexisting condition?

What the fuck?

And the other people that
come out against the whole thing

are the Mormons. They came out
against gay marriage big time.

And with gay marriage, you
couldn't even say gay marriage.

In California you couldn't
call it gay marriage.

It was like,
what do we call it?

We'll call it
'same-sex marriage.'

And people who have been
married for a long time

are going,
that's a little redundant.

If you've been married a long
time, it's always the same sex.

Shut the fuck...

What?

And then they said,
we'll call it a union.

Then the union guys get pissed
going, it's not a fucking union.

It's not 'local
cocksuckers #69.

And you're going, wait a minute,
Canada has gay marriage.

Do you want all the gay people
to immigrate to Canada?

Then they'll win figure skating
for the next 200 years! No!

They're already the nicest
people on the planet.

Do you want them to be the best dressed?
That's bullshit!

And the whole thing... and we
talked briefly about this before...

the other people that come out against
gay marriage were the Mormons.

Basically the Mormons... the
people that used to do polygamy...

they used to perfect polygamy.

A Mormon giving marital
advice is like the octomom

running a Planned Parenthood
Clinic.

And if the answer to who's your
daddy? is multiple choice,

come with me, my friend.

And who thought polygamy
was a great idea?

Who got married and went,

my one marriage isn't
going so well.

I'd like to double down.

Fuck off, man!

And if you... why would you
want another strong opinion?

Even if you marry a deaf
and a blind girl,

they will fucking communicate!

And they will work out that
you are the asshole.

In marriage, I've learned this:
In marriage

there's penalties for early withdrawal
and deposit in another account.

Remember that.

And alimony doesn't stop people.

Alimony... look at a guy.
You could call it all the money

and guys would still be going,
I'm in. Let's do this.

Look at Donald Trump. He's always
going, this one's broken.

Bring me another one.
Ha ha ha!

But maybe there should be a
three-strike law with marriage.

If you want to get married for a fourth
time, you have to give up a body part.

Then that might
slow people down.

Like, Bob, how many times
you been married?

four times, Robin.

Ted, how many times
you been married?

five times, Robin. Five times.

Larry King would just be
a fucking head on a stick.

And...

You talk about
intelligent design...

look at the human body.
It's waste-processing plant

near a recreation area.
How intelligent is that?

And they say the platypus was
an animal designed by committee.

Was the human body
designed by committee?

Was there a group of guys
who designed it?

Was the guy going,
Tom, do you have those designs

for the human
reproductive system?

I do, Ted. Let's show you
what we came up with.

Normally with the mammal penis,
we have the retractable.

We decided to something
different for the mammal...

The male penis for the human.

We call it 'the collapsible.'
kind of fun.

And look at this: Murray came up with the
idea of making the covering optional.

Thank you, Murray.
Way to go.

When we take the covering off,
it's a little sharp, a little pointy.

We need something on the top
to soften it up.

Bob, what was your idea?

a mushroom cap.
thank you, Bob.

We put the mushroom cap on
the top and it's kind of a tool

'cause when it's retracted,
it looks like a little toad stool

and when it's erect like
a little soldier... thank you.

And Tim put a piece of sting
up at the top.

Thank you, Tim. I guess to
tune it. Thank you, Tim.

And we run the semen out
the top and urine through...

We also run urine through there.
We call it multitasking,

or 'coming and going.'

Kind of a fun concept.

And initially we just had the sperm
stored inside the penis itself

like a toothpaste tube...
pbbt! Gone.

So we need something to
store it in and produce it.

What was your idea, Carl?
nuts.

thank you, Carl.

Initially we used walnuts. We've had
good luck with those in the past.

And the human males are going,
we can't sneak up on the females.

what do you mean?
Listen.

Got it.

Forget the coconuts.
Let's try something different!

Bob, what was your idea
to replace them?

balls.
balls! That's it.

Who doesn't like balls?
What fun.

Initially we used three balls, and here's
some of the tests with the three balls.

They were going everywhere.

The male was, like, playing with
the balls, playing with the balls.

And we went, 'we'd better
put those in a bag.'

So we decided to make a bag

and the only thing we had lying
around was some old turkey neck.

I said, 'use it!
Let's try it.'

So...

We put the balls in
the turkey neck and...

it's ugly.

I think...

Yeah.

Next to the asshole, it's one of
the uglier things we made, really.

And we got some negative
feedback from the females

who were going, 'we're not going down
there unless you cover that up!'

'okay!' so we put
some garnish around it.

And initially we made
the hair straight.

The females: 'my eyes!'
'okay.'

Curly! We put curly hair.

And initially we put the hair everywhere...
even the top of the penis.

And it looked like my uncle Phil.
Like, 'hey, how are you?'

So we just went with
a topiary thing,

which was kind of fun.

And then the females went,
'we'll go down there now.'

Thank you, ladies.
Thank you.

Which is cool because you can start
the penis orally... thank you;

Manually... thank you, Manuel,
for finding that out;

finger in the ass...
Ted found that out.

He said it was an accident.

Kidder.

And if you play with the balls,
the penis likes that.

It's kind of fun.

But we did find out a negative
thing about the balls.

If you hit them really hard,

it's a total system reset.

It's like...

if it was a slot machine, it would pay.
It was kind of rough.

But that's essentially
the design for the penis.

Initially we gave the male
about 800 sperms

and those were gone
in a millisecond.

And now we give him 8 to 9 billion,
and he shoots them everywhere:

tits, drapes.

We found some on the ceiling.
Those are the overachievers.

We hope some make it
to the vagina.

In terms of the vagina, Carl's
in charge of the vagina project.

Carl, what did
you come up with?

well, normally with
the mammal vagina,

you have the genital slit
or opening.

We decided to accessorize it.

what did you accessorize
it with, Carl?

curtains.

We just thought it makes it less of an
opening and more of a show, really.

Kind of... we had some old lips
lying around. We said, 'try those!

Let's give it a go.'

And initially we made it
horizontal, and...

the damn thing talked.

It was weird.

And the first time it talked,
the males were going,

'I'm not going down there
if it talks!

I've already got one opinion down here!
I don't need a second one!'

Fine.

So now we made it vertical
and now it just farts.

So... and the first time it went,
it was like...

'Easy, big fella.'

And the asshole got offended,
saying, 'that's my job!'

'okay, hold on.

Yours will smell.
Not to worry. Not to worry.'

But we needed something kind of special...
one last little thing

that would really work. And Clint
came up with a brilliant idea.

And I think we're gonna name it...
it's kind of wonderful.

Clint, what was your idea?

a doorbell.
thank you, Clint.

You ring the doorbell, the curtains open.
It's kind of fun.

Some guys can't find it. Others
don't know when to stop ringing it.

But you ring the doorbell,
the curtains open,

the penis goes inside. And Tom
worked out some choreography

for the balls that's
kind of fun. That's really...

it gets everything ready to go.

And the sperms fly out up into
the human female.

She carries the egg.
Normally we gave it...

we tried first giving
the egg to the male.

He kept losing it.
And we went, 'fine.'

We gave it to the female.
She carries it.

And then we thought, 'the male will
be in charge of feeding the infant.'

We gave the human male
two breasts.

And the male is like, 'ha!'
'okay, nipples. That's all.'

We thought, 'the female will be in
charge of feeding the infant too.'

So we gave her six breasts
like a mammal.

And the male was like,
'ha ha! Ha ha!'

'two hands, two tits!
That's it.'

And so the female will,
carry the infant to term'

and it will come out
through the curtains.

And they get wide...

like Broadway.

And she'll also feed the infant.

The male will assist.
Ha ha!

But we do have one major
design flaw.

We've tried to wire
the penis to the conscience

and it keeps
short circuiting.

And it's weird too...
the whole thing.

I mean, every since I was
a little boy, it was like,

The first time I was cleaning
it, it went off. I'm sorry!

And then later on
it was like, breasts.

Breasts breasts!
Aha ha ha!

Vagina.
vagina vagina!

And by the time you get
to be 58,

it gets a little more difficult.

Okay, here's what you gotta do:

You put a sparkler in your ass.

I'll set my pubic hair on fire.

You put on a German army helmet.

You jump off the couch
yelling, 'fire in the hole!'

That might work.
I don't know.

And then...

If that doesn't work,
there's always pornography.

And the definition of
pornography is quite simple:

Erotic is using a feather; pornography
is using the entire chicken,

which is weird.

And I've been watching a little bit
of porn since I've been on the road.

A little?
shut up. That's fine.

And with porn movies, they
don't have coming attractions

'cause if it was, you'd be like,
oh, done. Thank you. Fine.

With porn movies,
when you're watching them,

it's basically, they're
an hour and a half long.

And who watches an entire
fucking porn movie?

One guy up there going,
I do.

But an entire porn... an hour
and a half long?

Even with fast forwarding... fast
forwarding you're like...,

What?

No!

And the one thing you don't
want with porn

is basically slow motion,
'cause it's like, haaa.

And the acting...
the acting in porn movies

is always so bad. There's always
that one girl who's like...

It's not Miss America.
Stay with the dick!

What are you doing?

And why do they always have to
have such bad actors?

They're always like,
I'm going to fuck you...

so hard.

Even my right hand is going,
I don't believe him.

But there's scripts.
There's scripts for porn movies.

Somebody's writing this stuff
going, 'I'm going to fuck you...

So hard...

You little whore.'
okay, that's it for today.

And then they're on a porn movie set
going, 'I'm going to fuck you...'

Line?

fuck you hard,
you little whore.

thank you!
I just need a moment.

And that's fucking weird too.
And there's been porn for centuries.

Was there radio porn?
Was there George Burns going,

well, tea-bag me, Gracie.
I don't know.

Did John Wayne have a Brokeback
Mountain moment of going,

well, stuffy, we're going up
the old jizzom trail right now.

God damn it,
here we go.

And Walter Brennan going, oh, duke,
you're tearing my ass apart! Gad ya!

I can't quit ya!
I can't God damn quit ya!

Was Gregory Peck going,

I'm going to glaze you
like a danish.

Did Jimmy Stewart basically go,

well, just play with my balls.
Just a little bit. Yeah.

Just dangle the twins around.

And put a finger in my heinie
if you're a friend. Yeah!

Two if you're a pal.
Yeah.

There's one guy who could do porn
and I think we all would watch.

That guy is Chris Walken.

Oh God, yes.

Oh my God, he would be amazing.

Chris would be up there going,

I'm... inside you.

So deep inside you now,
fucking you now,

inside you,
deep inside you now, yes, now.

I came...
an hour ago.

And it's not bad enough
they make porn movies.

They make porn movies
of my movies.

They made Goodwill Humping.
it's okay.

Wet Dreams May Come.
all right.

Snatch Adams.
that was scary.

A clown with a strap-on.
Fuck off!

You know, Popeye
I would watch.

Popeye would be like,
oh, God yeah, Olive Oyl,

Come on now, yeah!

Blow me now. Yeah.

Come on, Olive Oyl, yeah.
You got no tits and a tight box.

Oh, God, gud-ack-ack-ack-ack!
Yeah!

I creamed me spinach!

Yeah.

Good night!

Whoo! Oh my God.

Whoo!

Whoa!

Sit down quick!

Thank you.

Damn. Shoo!

- Thank you. Wow.
- Oooh!

This is... oooh!
wow!

Oh!

Thank you, baby!

This is weird. Right now
I feel like,

what are you gonna do now,
smart ass?

You just did, 'ack ack!' no, follow that.
Good luck, boy.

It's weird. Some people
say I look like Bono,

and I'm going,
what the fuck are you on?

But it said that Bono was
onstage recently in Scotland

and it got very quiet
like right now.

And he started
clapping his hands.

And he said, every time
I clap my hands,

a child in Africa dies.

And from the back of the Scottish
audience, somebody went,

then stop fucking
clapping your hands!

It's weird though.

I want to do something
kind of special right now

and dedicate it to
a friend of mine.

It was a man I knew...
a very interesting guy...

Walter Cronkite.
Incredible man.

And we worked together on
a Disney project years ago.

And he was a very eloquent

and elegant man, but
Walter had another side.

Basically, he liked his jokes

like he liked his ocean,
a little blue.

So I would like to do
a joke right now

for Walter as Walter
in his memory.

A man and his wife

are having sex.

They're going at it
hot and heavy.

Suddenly they hear a noise.

It's their little son Timmy

standing in the doorway.

Timmy is shocked and
runs out of the room.

The father goes,

I'll go talk
to Timmy.

He goes to Timmy's room.
He opens the door.

And little Timmy is
giving it hot and heavy

to grandma.

The father goes,

oh my God.

And little Timmy says,

not so funny when
it's your mother, is it?

Good night!

Thank you, DC.!

God bless you!

Buenas noches!

The peeps in the top!

Thank you!
May we have health care!

God bless you!
Have a good night!

Whoo!

Oh!