Robin Williams Live on Broadway (2002) - full transcript

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Robin Williams!

Thank you!

Oh, please!

Sit the fuck down!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you!

Oh, yes!

Oh, yes, my little
semain headed friend!

That's it! Good night!
Thank you very much!

Thank you for the standing ovation,
you made the orgasm up front.



Let's have a cigarette, let's relax.

We're here in New York,
fucking New York!

Yes!

Obviously this is not gonna
be your normal night of theater!

This will be Shakespeare
with a strap-on!

So that's the way you like it!

Welcome to my lovely set which is
from the musical "Fantastic Voyage"!

Or maybe the last thing
a clitoris sees!

I'm over here!

I'm down here!

This is brought to you by HBO,
which is subsidiary of Time Warner,

also owned by
America On Line...

"You've got mail".
I hope you don't have stocks!

Welcome!



Don't be afraid!

It was so reassuring
the other day...

George W. Bush talked
to the stock market and...

It must be him
talking about business ethics

it's kinda like having
a leopard give you a facial.

It doesn't really work!

"A lot of our imports
come from other countries".

No shit?!

Moving right along...

Meanwhile,
Michael is protesting...

I don't know, baby...

It was strange enought when Michael
was the best man at Lisa's wedding.

That for me was like,
"You're pushing the term, my man"!

That was a pretty short list.
Was Richard Simmons hunting?

- "What are you doing"?
- "I'm the best man"!

Now Michael is claming rasism.

I'm going,
"Honey, you gotta pick a race first".

"What are you claiming,
mistreatment of elves"?

"Girl, you gotta pick a gender, too.
What are you going for"?

"You were Diana Ross.
Now you've just left it all behind".

Michael, you're not a freak.
You're just surgically enhanced...

And you spend more money
than the Vatican.

If you go to Neverland, it says

"You must be this
high to ride Michael".

Obviously, people and the lawyers
for HBO are going, "Fuck"!

But how fucked up
do you have to be

for Al Sharpton to go,
"I'm outta here, man"!

If Al Sharpton bails on your ass,

even rats are going,
"Man, that guy's quick"!

"From the Don King School
of hair processing..."

He's running for
office in Idaho on the

"What a fucking, wild, crazy chance
in hell you'll be elected" ticket.

Sorry, my lips just went,
"What the fuck did you say"?

Couple of dyslexic people went,
"Thank you, Robin"!

"Thank you"!

We were worried about
the pledge of allegiance.

We were gonna say
"One nation under dog"!

It's OK.

I know people are going
"I've got a cure for this"!

"One nation under Canada,
above Mexico".

But then you have to the whole...

There's anthems like
"Someone bless America"!

On the dollar bill, instead
of "In God We Trust",

"In Gates We Trust"!

"Mr. Gates, when did you realize
you are creating monopoly"?

"Monopoly is just a game, senator".

"I'm trying to control
the fucking world".

Don't you see Windows Millenium?

It's all leading to
Information Technology.

Soon it will be Total
Information Technology, "TIT".

And when you're sucking on the tit,
I have you by the motherboard.

Don't be afraid!

It's a nice day
in New York, my people.

NY police have a catch and
release program. Way to go!

Stop! OK, go on again!

You're it!
Get the fuck outta here!

I like NY on a day like today. For a
while everything went like "are you OK"?.

People're back to being newyorkers
like "Have a nice day, asshole"!

"Fuck you, my friend!
Enjoy your day"!

But the most beautiful thing about
a day like today in this NY is

that the ladies
take the twins for a walk!

Oh, yeah, the tities are out today!

On a hot day all the tities are out
there. And like God made them go...

Beautiful tiddies, all shapes, sizes
and women running, they are going...

And then they hit a
breeze and "chicken's done"!

Yes!
Yeah, baby!

These are not like
the tits in Vegas,

where even God goes
"I didn't make those"!

Weird tits. You know
fake tits are like nazis.

They don't laugh,
they don't dance, they're just...

"I'm walking here"!

I've seen a woman turn
and the tits stayed there.

Babies, lucky they don't have any
teeth becayse they'd knock them out.

I've seen tits that are really bad,

like they had the nipples on the top,
it looked like Kilroy.

When you go up Madison Avenue
you see some hardcore surgery like...

"I'm so scared,
but I can't express it".

These are the ladies who've had
so much surgery, they're going

"What are these lumps
under my eyes"?

"Those are your tits, madam"!

- And what's this?
- Don't ask, Mrs. Trotski!

This is good news for you.

And girls getting
Botox injections...?

- Look, I don't have any wrinkles.
- You also have no expression.

You look like you've had
a slight coma, but you're beautiful.

When guys say to you "Baby, I want
you to get your tits done for me, OK"?

"Do it for me.
Do it for your daddy man".

And you say
"OK, daddy man"!

"Then I want you to get
your balls done for me, OK"?

I want you to get
those big old basket balls.

So when you do the baywatch
thing, it's like...

Nothing drives a woman crazy like a
big old Easter basket on her bunny.

So you go to the doctor...

Payback's a bitch!
Go for it, girls!

Because you went through a hard time.
This whole winter was so bizarre.

Temperatures were like 80, 20,
30, 50. It was fucking weird!

The weathermen are going,

"I don't fucking
know what's going on"!

"Let's just see what happens".

Flowers were like Anne Heche
going "I'm out, I'm in, I'm out..."

"I don't know where to go"!

George came back from Japan, he went
"I went to the Coyote Conference"

- No, it's Kyoto.
- That's a very good car.

George, walk away.

And they say there's no global warming,

but right now the
North Pole is a pool.

It is beyond global warming,
at this point it is cooking.

It's 105 in the middle of the country,
and people come up going,

"Is it hot enough for you"?

"No, I like sweat to be rolling down
the crack of my ass like Niagra".

"I like my old man
tities to lactate, my man".

You see people in shorts and you're
going "Please, don't wear those"!

"Oh please, don't put those on"!

If you go to South West Airline
they're going,

"Sorry, you're not fat,
you're horizontally challenged".

Big people at South West
Airlines have buy two seats.

The problem is that
they are not together.

And you have to put your
tits in the overhead rack.

People don't mind now.
We're working our way through.

All over the country
you've got weird things.

In Houston they got Enron field.

"We were gonna call it
5th Amendment field but fuck..."

We can't call it
"We're fucked field"!

"Arthur Anderson put in the
chairs, they spin both ways".

And now Martha Stuart
may become somebody's bitch.

No!

Say it ain't so!

I like to consider it more
like "severe companion".

If you only have one room, and I
like to call it my "private space",

use the light well. You have vertical
bars, don't use horizontal blinds.

Also, think of your ankle
bracelet as an accessory.

The first time she has lunch going
"You call this keesh"?

Shut up, bitch!
You're inside now, you're mine!

All over things have been going good.
I've been to Memphis, to Graceland.

I never knew that Ray Charles
had a decorating license.

They're some severe...

They're colours there that
have never seen daylight.

I've been to Nashville, I've heard
people sing songs like

"Take your finger outta my ass,
cause I'm leaving you behind"!

Funny ass shit people do now.
I'm sweatin' like crazy up here.

It's HBO, cause it's live.

People playing baseball.
You've got a good seat.

Yankees are kicking
again, way to go!

You did a good job.
It came through.

Everybody's worried about people
playing baseball on steroids.

Here's one quick way you tell

on steroids, your balls shrink
and your head grows.

So if someone steps up to the plate

with a Mardi Gras head and
Raisinettes, "You're out"!

Poor Barry Bonds!
They won't pitch to him

and when they do it,
they're trying to kill him.

He's like Yasser Arafat
of baseball.

For Jerusalem I have
an interesting plan.

It's called a timeshare,
like Miami, let's try that.

Jews will get Hanukah and Passover,

Christians will get
Christmas and Easter

and Muslims will have Ramadan
and that other holiday, Kaboom.

Obviously, the people of HBO
are going "Oh, fuck off"!

"What are you doing, you asshole"!

I'm very excited
because this is my time

when I was watching
World Cup Soccer, my man.

I saw world cup, baby.

There's a few soccer fans,
the rest of you are going

"Uh, that's like football
without pads, right"?

For the rest of the
world, it's football.

For us, it's "A strange sport,
played by damaged people".

We made it in the World Cup.
Everybody plays it.

Not like the World Series, cause the
French don't have a baseball team.

If they did, they would only have
left field and no one would be safe.

You know what I'm saying?

What can you do, huh?
It is Bastille day, alore!

The day that Marie Antoinette
gave the ultimate head. Look out!

We are French. Fuck you, Americans,
I don't care!

My friend Lance Armstrong is racing
right now in The Tour du France.

And every year the French
go, "He is on chemicals".

"It's chemotherapy,
you little toad sucker".

Okay, he has one testicle,
he's aerodynamic.

Everyone, cut off your balls.
You'll be quicker, do it!

Don't be afraid.

When you look at the World Cup,
America finally made it.

We made it to the sixteen, baby!

We're no longer in the
"Special Olympics" category.

They used to see us coming "Give
it to them, they're damaged people"!

Thank you for the ball.
I got a ball. I shoot the ball!

Unlike the Brazilians.
When they play is like...

And the fans are like...

Brazilians are going
"Look, I'm playing soccer..."

"Look, I'm scoring"!

"And now I'm kicking the ball".

Soccer is kinda mellow, you know.
Is a little passive agressive though.

I didn't do anything...
What are you looking at?

It's not like hockey, when someone
comes up with a stick and goes

"Bang, motherfucker"!

That's why there are no
Spanish hockey players.

When a white guy takes
a stick and goes...

"Motherfucker, I'm going
to cut you off now"!

"And you, Freddie Krugger bitch,
take off the mask, motherfucker"!

"Coming in there!
Goddamnit"!

Sometimes guys do this weird thing...
They fall down and pretend like...

"I've been killed...
I've been blinded..."

"There's nobody near me, huh?
OK, I'm kidding"!

And the referee comes over,
"Yellow card"!

Two yellow cards,
"Red card"!

Hold on, three cards,
"Green card"!

And the referee is so sweet, too.

"What's your name?
Turn around".

"Why didn't you call me
after the Mexico game"?

Not like football referees who have
that "too much commercial time"!

Mad white man dancing on the field!

Moving away.
Moving away.

In the World Cup they always
claim there's bad refereeing,

someone may have been paid off.

Oh, shit, say it ain't so!

You're telling me that the Oscars
are also political? Fuck off!

There's a game mafia!

The mov-hand!

Fairy Godfather, "Does this
pistol make my ass look big"?

If you go to LA, there's a great
greeting these people do, "Love ya"!

"Love you"!
"Hey, love you"!

The worst refereeing was in the
Winter Olympics with the French judge.

Once again, the
French fuck with us!

The Canadians, they skate perfectly.
"We did it perfect, huh"!

And then the Russians
they come and fuck up

and the French judge went, "How lifelike,
they fucked up, I give it to them, eh"?

At that point I'm going "Where is
Tanya Harding when you need her"?

Tanya would've been on that
judge like shit on Velcro.

"Give me that medal,
you French whore"!

"I won"!

Instead we get to see
Tanya fight Paula Jones

in an all white trash weekend.

Trailer park Tuesday!

Tanya went right for the nose,
"Not the nose, that's the Clinton money"!

Next is gonna be Joey Butafuoco
fights John Wayne Bobbit.

There will be no hitting
bellow the belt there, my friend.

"Fuck, man, give that back!
My balls are in the front row"!

What's next? "The Nixon daughters
battle for the library money".

"Be there as my bitches go at it"!

At this point, even
Caligula is going,

"What the fuck
are you people doing"?

Why don't you have
Hannibal Lector on Iron Chef

just kick out the jams?

Cause we've got The Chamber,
The Chair, Fear Factor.

People in Texas are going
"We got those shows".

"We just don't film'em".

Two weeks ago, the Supreme Court banned
the execution of retarded people.

People in Texas are going,
"Shit, where's the fun now"?

Cause they were zapping retarded
people every other week.

It was like, "Go sit on
Santa's lap, Timmy".

And I know the definition of
"retarded" in Texas is pretty wide.

It's crazy!

Even the Taliban is going
"You are crazy motherfuckers"!

There was a guy with one leg. They
weren't gonna give him a wodden leg.

He was gonna be dead man hopping.

There is a moment of compassion.
Before the lethal injection,

they do an alcohol swab,
which is so nice!

"What the fuck are you doing"?

"We don't want you to get
that last-second infection"!

"It's all safe now".

You remember the Winter Olympics.
They had them in Utah. Great place!

What, was Amish country booked,
what happened?

"Come on down to Salt Lake!
We're gonna party like it's 1955".

"Bring your wives. Oops!
Come on down"!

At the closing ceremony
they introduced

Donnie and Marie,
as the first couple of Utah.

I went "Uh-uh, honey, no!
They're only a couple in Arkansas".

If you're going to Georgia,
Ted Turner and Jane Fonda broke up.

Jane found God
and Ted found out it wasn't him.

We're at the olympics once again,

we're talking about
the figure skating.

I find the figure skating
to be kinda sexy.

Not ice dancing, which is polka
on Valium. That's not good.

There's that pairs figure skating.
There's that one very special lift.

Where the male skater goes...

Right here!

Where even a gynecologist would go
"Put on a glove, man"!

Who's your daddy?
Who's your daddy?

And I'm going
"Let's cut the foreplay,"

"let's have ice fucking,
come on"!

And she holds on without her hands!

Even the French judge would go
"I like it"!

"I don't care. I'm giving them
the medal. Fuck the Canadians"!

"So fabulous"!

There's other kinda sexual things
in the Olympics, there's the louge,

about which I have only one question.

What drunken, German gynecologist
invented that sport?

"You know what? I want
to dress like a sperm,"

"shove an ice skate in my ass,"

"and go balls first
down an ice chute".

"Ya! That would be fun".

No! This is for pussies!

- How will you stir?
- I will do kegels!

"I will flex my ass
and go down the ramp"!

And do not talk to me
about the two men louge.

I'm saying "Boys, get a room"!

"Make that turn, you bastard, make it"!

"Hard right, you fucker, hard right"!

Pour guy gets to the end of the run
"I got wood man, I'm sorry"!

"You cost us the race"!

"Your penis going frr was
200 of a second winds resistance"!

"We could've won if you
weren't going brrring"!

"Dolphin boy"!

There's always some
horrible drug scandal.

This year was a Spanish
cross-country skilor...

Skilor, which is like a skier.

- Are you a skilor?
- Yes!

They accused him of taking
some performance enhancing drug.

Like an elephant growth hormone.

"Are you on some sort of drug"?

"Are you taking an
animal tranquilizer"?

And they didn't bother
drug testing the snowboarders.

"Go, go my little boys, have fun"!

I guess they realized the word
"half pipe" ment something.

Remember the kid who
won the gold medal?

He was in freestyle.

- You wanna be on a box of Whities?
- No. Count Chocula.

A-ha! A clue, Sherlock!

The poor Canadian snowboarder,
in the 1998 Olympics,

they took away his medal because
he tested positive for marijuana,

which is kinda redundant number one.

Number two, they said that marijuana
was a "performance-enhancing drug".

Marijuana enhances many things,
colors, tastes, sensations,

but you are certainly
not fucking empowered.

When you're stoned, you're lucky if
you can find your own goddamn feet.

The only way it's a
performance-enhancing drug is

if there's a big fucking Hershey
bar at the end of the run.

Then you'll be like...

Then you'll be like a Swiss
ski jumper going, "I'm there"!

Pour Canadian snowboarder.
They asked for his medal back

and he couldn't find it. It
was around his fucking neck!

Get out of here, you little
goofy Canadian bastard, eh?

They have weird sports
like the Biathalon

which is like Norwegian drive-by.

"Get the TV, Hans"!

The Canadians won the
gold medal in hockey.

God bless you Canadian people.

You're so fucking nice, eh?

It's your only
fucking sport, come on!

That and a mutant form of football.

"We've got 13 men, we
have a longer field"

"No, you have fun, enjoy"!

Canada's like a loft apartment
over a really great party.

"Keep it down, eh"?

"We are nice. We have Jean Chritien,
our great prime minister".

He was the only man in the world who said,
"I don't need no secret service"

"If a guy comes to hit me,
I fucking knock him out, eh"?

"I'm Jean Chritien which versus
your president, who's a cretin".

Quebec keeps wanting to break away from
Canada, but still keep the currency.

It's like a kid moving
out of the house,

-But I still would like to get money.
-Fuck off you!

Canadian money is also
called the Looney.

How can you take an
economic crisis seriously?

- The Looney is down!
- Oh, how sad for you!

What are you saying, eh?

Everyone was so happy that at the
Olympics the security was so tight.

"Security was amazing
at the Olympics".

Utah's the whitest
fucking State in the Union!

An Arab in Utah is like an albino
at the Apollo. You would notice!

- We found one!
- He's just tanned. Everybody off!

The problem was that there was
basically white powder everywhere.

All the dogs looking
for anthrax were going

"You go, man, you go"!

Pour dogs they looked
for anthrax and cocain.

In the cage at the end
of the day they're going

"I can't taste my ass,
I don't know why..."

"It's my tail"!

Meanwhile your cat
sits over there going

"You're still an
asshole, you know that".

Is it me, or are cats drag queens?

The way they kinda go
"Who loves Kitty"?

"Are these your shoes"?

Who loves Kitty?
Who loves Kitty?

Male cats have that amazing thing,

where they kinda walk around going
"That's mine"!

"Mine"!

"I like that too".

Thank God men aren't like that!

"Nice car, Bob.
Mine now"!

- What are you doing?
- Just shopping!

The whole anthrax thing
had people going...

They said
"Don't open your mail"!

- Why?
- There's white powder in envelopes.

"Really"!?

"Your mother and I used to look
for white powder in envelopes"!

"We weren't on-line.
We did lines, my friend".

"And there were ninjas on the
fucking lawn, trying to kill us"!

And now, there are people
trying to kill us.

And that's why
I bought a gas mask.

I can't even get a condom
on when I want to!

"Hey, baby. Yeah, I got
a love glove. Hold on".

"I'll be right with you, honey".

"Don't go away on me now".

You're playing "Beat the cock".

"I got it, I got it"!

There's your penis like a
midget in a diving suit...

"I don't think we're
going in today, Pete".

"We didn't make the deadline".

Remember when they sent anthrax
to Tom Daschle's office?

And they cleared that
fucking place out.

"Everybody out, come on"!
Helmets, suits, they're all leaving.

And when the Congressman
walked out they go

"But the rest of you,
go about your lives".

"Everything is perfectly OK".

"We'll be miles away".

It's like when you go to the dentist
and he puts a little lead bib over your balls.

He walks behind concrete, going
"You'll be fine"!

How can you tell
if Congress was sick?

It's night of the living dead anyway.

All those old senators going

"The confederate flag is just
the symbol of state's rights".

Yeah, and the swastika
is just a Tibetan good luck charm.

When did Ted Kennedy
become Jabba the Hutt?

He's huge!

You're a Kennedy, not a Maisy's
day float, come on!

Bring him down.
We're voting!

Step away, boy.
"I said no to the Crispy Cream".

Congress recently
approved the covert plan

to assassinate Saddam Hussein.

So what they've done,
is publicly approve

the secret plan to
assassinate Hussein.

I wonder if he knows?

I know there's a cure for bio
terrorism that they sent at us.

And it lies within
Keith Richards, I know that.

He is the only man on the planet
who can go,

"Anthrax?
All right..."

"Doesn't go with my
E. cola, but fuck"!

Keith is the only man who can make
the Osbornes look fucking Amish.

I've seen him go to a drug
dealer who said "I'm out, man"!

"I have nothing left".

Supposedly he goes to Switzerland
and changes his blood.

Not like one pint, but like a
fucking Chevrolette, all of it.

I just wanna know
who gets his blood?

Some old Swiss man's going,

"Heidi!
We've gotta go on tour, you bitch"!

"We've gotta pay for mixed babies".

We may all be dead and gone,

Keith will still be there
with five cockroaches.

Keith'll go, "I smoked
your uncle, did you know that"?

"Fucking crazy..."

Every so often,
Rumsfeld comes out and goes,

"I don't know where.
I don't know when".

"But something awful's
going to happen".

"Thank you, that's all for today,
no further questions".

Excuse me, can you give me a clue?

What is it, the Central
"Intuitive" Agency now?

Are you working with Miss Cleo?

"I don't know where,
I don't know when,"

"but somethin'
awful's gonna happen"!

"And definitely don't
marry that fat man".

"He only wants you
for your money, girl"!

People are suing Miss Cleo for fraud.
I went "Fucking duh"!

What do you want? A blind tarot
card before you go, "A-ha"!

If she's a psychic, why does
she need a fuckin' phone number?

Number two, that
fake Jamaican accent?

If she was a real psychic,

she'd be one of those Louisiana
psychics going, "You gonna die"!

"They have to puck your ass up"

"so they can pull a place for
your bike, come on now"!

It's like buying hair
care products from Cher.

She's wearing a wig, you idiot!

Take that abdominal thing...
"Help you lose weight"

"while it shocks your fat ass
sitting watching TV".

"I'm getting six-pack abs
by knocking my testicles around"!

You strap that to your head.

And say, "I will not buy
stupid shit for no reason"!

Now we are in troubled times.

When it happened, I thought
the Statue of Liberty would change.

Instead of "Give me your
tired and your poor,"

it would be her with a baseball
bat going "You want a piece of me"?

There was hardcore security.
In NY stopping people in the tunnel..

In Washington they had F-18s
flying, air cover everywhere.

In San Francisco,
not so hardcore security.

At Golden Gate Bridge there's a
Hummer, and I'm talking about the car.

One Hummer here, two National Guardsmen,
same at the other end of the bridge.

The problem is that the Hummer
and the National Guardsmen

are in jungle camouflage.

For those who never been to SF,
the bridge is bright orange.

So I feel like going
"Be vewy, vewy quiet".

"We're wooking for tewwowists".

Airport security, before
all this happened it was like,

"Beep, OK, get
on the plane, come on".

"What's that? Oh, that's a gun.
OK, get on the plane".

You could carry a four inch blade,
that's about that long.

Now, you can't even carry
a nail-clipper on a plane.

Are they afraid you're
gonna go "All right"!

"Give me the plane
or the bitch loses a cuticle".

"I have a nail file.
I can be irritating".

And if you have a steak or any piece
of meat, they won't give you a knife.

So it's like
"Quest for Fire" flight.

"Sir, you're making a lot of noise".

The Hindu man in the back is going
"Hold the bowl higher".

"Don't be afraid to beg,
use your hands."

Now the airport security is tight.
You go through the metal detector

and if you are heavily pierced,
like some of my friends...

"Take out your keys, sir".

"Tip of the iceberg".

For those playing the home game,
this is called a Prince Albert.

I'm sure that was his last wish.

I'm sure Albert said,
"Victoria, I'm dying".

"I want you to name a
museum, a performance hall"

"and a bolt through
the cock after me".

"That will be Victoria's Secret.
Go, my darling".

"Sell little thongs to people
like they had little anal floss".

And I'm talking heavily pierced.

Not like Britney Spears
"I'm a virgin"!

Yeah and Michael Jackson
is a father. Move on!

I'm talking like a hoop
through your nipple.

You know, lady...
I'm guessing!

Just kinda the way your
clothes are going...

When you have a big hoop, what
you're gonna do? Tie up a pony? No!

Or you have two. He's and her's
towels, whatever you want!

A towel down here,
so you can wash up. Fun!

It's interesting when you see a girl
with a bolt through her tongue.

Why did you do that?

"To enahthe
the thekthual thtimulathion".

"Nothing drives my boyfriend crazy"

"like the feel of cold
steel on his hot rod".

"But the problem is I ended up
knocking out all my teeth"

"and living in a trailer park
with a man named Bubba".

That's the trade-off, my darling.

You get the tatoo with
a barb wire when you're 18

and by the time you're 80
it's fucking picket fence.

And Madonna turns into
Margaret Hamilton going,

"I'm dying, melting".

Here's what you wanna do.

When I was growing up I didn't have
Playboy or Penthouse. Sad for me!

But I had National Geographic

and the girls that got me crazy...

You know the ones with
the slinky neck going...

Do that, drive your parents crazy
when you come down the stairs...

Or do the full ubangy go,

"Mom, dad, it's also a CD-player".

And you can take out the plate
and jump-rope with your lower lip.

Have fun!

Watch grandma go "Shit"!

Union guys going
"Don't touch it, Mr. Williams"!

This shit is gonna be
more precious than oil.

Ten years from now, it's already
starting to happen. People going,

"I got water".

"And if you want it cold,
I got ice, motherfucker".

Going on the planes now, a sweet
little Southern stewardess goes,

"Ladies and gentlemen,
before we board flight five,"

"we're just gonna do a few
random bag checks".

"These are totally random".

"I'm just gonna read off
a few names".

"Has'N'T'Been' Seen"?

"Akeem Been'Laid"?

"Have'N'T'Been Fucked"?

"Judy Smith"?

Fourteen arabs and a blonde...?

And every black and Hispanic man in
the room is going "Thank you, God"!

"Oh, yes, we're off the list,
motherfucker, yeah"!

"They man's gonna be fucking
with you now, Habib".

"You better learn to go orderly".

They take the knitting needles
from the eighty-year-old lady,

"Why, cause I'm gonna knit
an Afghan?" Give 'em to me!

And the five year old kid, they're
patting him down, he's going,

"What are you doing?
You're not a priest, let go of me!"

So you've had
a problem too, I guess.

Father pats little boys down, like,

"Good game, boy, good game!
Wash up Timmy, really wash up!"

They catch them, but they had the
divine witness protection program.

Find the priest,
here's the pedophile,

here's the priest,
find the pedophile...

Don't you ask, don't you tell,
you might end up right in Hell.

Here's your check, direct from Rome,
buy yourself a brand new home.

Isn't it amazing?
The Pope...

Applause break number two.

It was amazing when the Pope gathered
all the cardinals in Rome and went...

The only problem is, he's dressed
like Liberace's stunt double.

I have a solution, though!

For problem priests, a little shock
collar, going near a kid it's like,

"You know, Timmy..."

"Tommy, I think..."

Or the automated confessional,
could be fun.

"If this is a venal sin, press one".

"If this is a carnal sin, press two".

"If this is cardinal Law,
please stay on the line".

"Because you have to remember,
it's not just a sin, it's a felony"!

So we have to keep track!

Right now they're up there watching.
"Hi, Mr. Ashcroft".

We're now under the offices
of Homeland Security.

Tom Ridge ever so often goes,
"Today is a blue day, no, orange, red"!

They had to be very careful picking
that name "Homeland Security".

Couldn't say Fatherland because
a lot of the old Germans are going

"That's a good one"!

But Homeland Security, it
sounds like Homefront Security,

which was England during WWII.

Old men with pitchforks and colostomy
bags, defending England!

There they were,
Rudolph has personally...

"I threw my colostomy bag,
covered him in shite"

and said "Get out of that fokker,
you fucker, get out"!

And I also find out now,
that Winston Churchill,

one of the greatest
orators of all time,

may have been so fucked
up on cognac and champagne,

that he didn't do some
of his great speeches.

They were done by a man from the BBC,
who also did "Winnie the Pooh".

"We will fight them on the beaches,
in the air, on the land"!

"Eeyore and Tigger"!

And, he was fighting against Hitler!

A man who recently a book
declared was a homosexual,

and I always thought
this was a clue!

That and the leather and the dancing!

We are now finding ourselves
once again drown to England

during these troubled times.

Tony Blair, a militant liberal.

Over here, George W. Bush,
compassionate conservative.

Sounds kinda like a Volvo
with a gun rack, but...

Over here, Tony Blair, a man who
must adress the House of Commons,

which is like Congress, with a
two drink minimum, crazy place!

- I believe my worthy opponents...
- Oh, fuck off!

"Shite, bollocks, you bastard!
Fuck you"!

Would someone remove
Ms. Tatcher from the chamber?

Tony said, "This heinous
incident has brought us"

"to the edge of oblivion..."

"But our civilization shall endure"!

And there's poor W. going,
"Shit, I can't even spell that".

Cause you look at Bush
and you realize it's Bush 2.0.

It's a beta release. He came with
certain bugs in the software.

"This country will
not be taken hostile,"

oops, delete, delete, "hostage".

And you look at him and realize
he has a short attention spam.

"Our economy is going...
oh, look at the kitty".

He kinda reminds me of the guy in
college with a towel going, "Gotcha"!

You just don't want him to drive.

Some men are born great,
some achieve greatness,

some get it as a graduation gift.
That's OK!

Historically...

You must look at it
from a historical perspective.

He's George the second.
The boy-king.

A man we thought could
only lose, but somehow won,

because of confused Hebrews.
Yes!

W. doesn't speak while Channey's
drinking water. Check that shit out!

When everything went down,

they put W. out there, but
they protected Channey.

Channey had an angioplasty.
Most people wait 'til it heals.

He was like,
"I'm perfectly fine"!

"I'm OK"!

And there's Ashcroft in the back,
"Work the arms, you asshole"!

You have to remember,
John Ashcroft is a man

who lost to a dead man in Missouri.

Choices in Missouri were
John Ashcroft, Dead Man.

And people in Missouri went,

"I'm sorry John, the dead man
scares me less than you do".

Here's the drill for me.
You know what's strange?

It doesn't scare me that
W. waved at Stevie Wonder.

That's OK.

Stevie's only been blind since birth!

And there's W. going,
"Stevie"!

Even Stevie Wonder's going,
"Is that motherfucker waving at me"?

"Does he think I'm looking
for him? Goddamn"!

No! What scares me,

is that W. almost died
from a fucking pretzel.

We have billions of
dollars in national defense.

They want billions more
for national security.

And he almost fucking goes
down from snack food!

Secret Service are going
"Game's over, man"!

"Gilligan's down.
Gilligan's down".

"Step away from the chip, sir"!

We have to have people go
"Hydrate, you bastard"!

His own dogs didnt' give a shit.
They were licking him for the salt.

You need a dog that cares.
A dog like Lassie, who'd go...

"What's wrong, Lassie?
The President swallowed something"

"and you did the Heimlich"?

"What else, girl"?

"Mr. Channey is meeting
with the Enron people"?

"An Enron employee
is secretary of the Navy"?

"What about the Harken loan"?

"Sorry, girl, we gonna
have to put you down".

Oh, Kenny Boy.
The Feds, the Feds are coming.

Welcome, boys and girls,
to Disney's new ride.

Investment pirates of the Caribbean.

Your money checks in,
it doesn't check out.

Sometimes you catch George unprepared
and he says unusual things.

- Mr. Bush, what are we gonna do?
- We're gonna conduct a crusade.

And everybody in the room went...

Ix-nay on the ucrade-say!

All throughout the Middle East...

Hide the women and children and
the number zero, they're coming!

And you can't bomb the Afghanis
back to the stone age

because they'll go
"Upgrade. Fun"!

Today's bombing raid has enlarged the
hole from yesterday's bombing raid.

We have moved trouble
from here, to here.

Goat in the upper right corner,
possible member of the Taliban,

or "concubine", we're not sure.

We did fire the 100 million dollars cruise
missile up its ass and were successful.

Operation "Extreme Redundancy"
is carrying on!

Then we started to drop bombs,
food, food, bombs.

And here's the fun part.

Some of the bombs were
little yellow bombs,

and the food packages were
little yellow packages.

So now you're playing
"Survivor The Real Game".

"OK Bob, I was here yesterday...
I'm gonna go for this one today..."

And what was in those packages?

Pop-Tarts, peanut butter,

and all you need is honey-baked ham
and you got a Redneck Christmas.

Who dropped the honey-baked ham
on the Muslims?

Why are we dropping Pop-Tarts
and peanut butter on Afghanistan?

Number one, it tastes a shit load
better than dirt.

Number two and more importantly,

very difficult
to have a call to Jihad

with a mouth full of peanut butter.

Secondly, or thirdly,
for those keeping track...

Afghanistan is a hasheesh
smoking culture.

And everyone who's ever been
a friend of the Hooka will go,

"Pop-Tarts"!

Yes! Got milk?
Come and get me!

We're trying to win hearts
and minds. How do we do that?

Do we build an amusement park
"Muslim Mountain" with Gadafi Duck? No!

Do we have a wet burger contest? No!

Do we play Cat Stevens
records all day? Fuck off!

Drop Martha Stuart's tits? No!

Do we have a children show
called "Saudi Dudi"? No!

What we must do is we gotta get
a sister. You know what I'm sayin'?

You gotta get a sister from Brooklyn.

You know what I mean, a-ha, girl?
You know what I'm sayin'?

One of those bitches you
see on Jerry Springer.

Drop her ass in Kabul and she'll go,

"Girl, you don't have to dress
like a mother fucking bee keeper"!

"You don't have to be
Casper's bitch, forget all that"!

"If he picks up a rock, cause
you're talking to another man,"

you pick a bigger rock and say
"Shit has hit the fan, motherfucker"!

"He tries to cut off your clitoris,
make you a Barbie doll,"

you grab a knife and say
"Lorena Bobbit time"!

"Don't make me go cobra, I will go
Oprah on your ass. Don't make me"!

We're dealing with fundamentalists...

The Amish are fundamentalists,
but they don't try

and hijack a carriage at needlepoint.

And, if you're ever in Amish
country and you see a man

with his hand buried in a
horse's ass, that's a mechanic.

Who are we looking for?

Ossama Bin Laden, one of 52 children.

Even Freud would say,
"He has issues".

What does he look
like without the beard?

Howard Stern, Barbra Streisand?
I don't know, I don't care!

I know this he's a six foot five
Arab on dialysis...

Why is that so fucking hard to find?

Look for somebody attached
to their luggage.

When you see the tapes
of him, you see a psychopath.

Wait a minute.
We have some of our own!

Theodor Kasinsky, sitting around
with nothing to do.

Ted's played "A Beautiful Mind",
the home game.

You give Ted a mailing list
and some tools...

Ted, these people have been bad.

- Are they bad?
- Very bad!

- I just want a few things.
- I know you do!

Or we get Charles Manson. Great
organizer, incredible with chicks.

You can't use him.

Chucky all the time
comes out for parole

with a swastika on his forehead.

- I'm better.
- In many ways, yeah.

- What would you do if you got out?
- I'd kill everybody.

What are we dealing with?

One of the fundamental
things is in a Jihad.

Sounds like a country
western term like "jee-ha"!

And if you are in a Jihad
and you kill an infidel

which, I'm sad to say, is all of us,

and you yourself die...

you go to heaven
and you are greated

by 71 dark-haired virgins.

Now everyone who's ever been
with one virgin is going...

"I don't know..."

"For my talent portion..."

Recently, there was a
article in the New York Times,

a Coran scholar said

"The actual translation is not
71 dark-haired virgins,"

"but 71 crystal clear raisins".

Slight difference in
interpretation, really.

It's like finding out "thou shalt not
kill" is "thou shalt not wear a kilt".

And the Scotish are going,
"Fuck off"!

Imagine some guy blows himself up,
goes to the gates of Heaven sayin',

- Where are my bitches?
- Here're your raisins.

Or 71 Virgils going,
"You got a pretty mouth"!

Ossama Bin Laden goes
to the gates of Heaven,

there's George Washington waiting,

"How dare you defile that
what we created"

and starts violating on his ass.

70 other members of the Congress
start kicking the shit outta him.

And then he's going,
"Where're the virgins"?

"71 Virginians, you asshole"!

"I must talk to Jesus Christ"!

"Where is Jesus Christ"?

And Saint Peter goes,
"Hey, Jesus, did you call a cab"?

I heard it. Finally the PCs.

We crossed
the politically correct line.

It's OK to beat the shit out of them,
but don't do the Ethnic joke.

How Buddhist of you!

Remember when they
destroyed the two Buddhas?

What did Buddha do?
Nothing!

What does the Buddhist terrorist do?

Goes in the middle of the street,
takes the gas... Self barbecue!

People're killing each other
in the name of God're going,

"What the fuck are you doing"?

"Making you deal
with your shit".

I don't understand the whole
fundamentalist thing.

I'm an Episcopal.
That's catholic light.

Same religion, half the guilt.
It's frightening.

Catholics have confession,
episcopals have

Thanks Giving, your dad
has a couple of gin and tonics...

"I never loved you mother,
you know that, don't ya"!?

"I didn't, dad. And she's
right there. Tell her again".

Episcopal is basicly Church of
England which was Henry the 8th

breaking away from the Catholic Church
going, "I'm the fucking Pope now"!

Then people broke
away from that church,

the Calvinists found him
to be too loose.

Then the Puritans broke away from
the Calvinists, our ancestors,

people so uptight, the
English kicked them out.

How anal do you have to be for the
English to go "Get the fuck out"!

"Take your pimp shoes and go"!

And they land here in
America going "Hello"!

"We bring you guilt,
syphilis and alcohol".

"Here chief, try this
and once you drunk it,"

"keep moving towards your
feathers float. There you go"!

And the Indians go
"We have a gift for you".

"For us is a sacred herb. For you
it will be an addictive carcinogen".

"Tobacco is a lot of fun.
And a good cash crop, yeah".

"Welcome to Custers.
The Casino that cares".

"This is my wife,
Sits-with-a-full-house".

"It is now time for the
white man to get drunk,"

"and we'll get back the land
you took from us".

The Puritans stayed here
and groups broke away from them

and then we got the people
who knock on your door

at 6:30 in the morning
on Sunday going,

"Have you found Jesus"?

You just wanna come to
the door nude and go

"No, help me look for him!
Come on"!

People like Pat Robinson
and Jerry Falwell say

"This was brought upon
us by our sinful ways".

I wanna put them on a plane,
take them to the ayatollah

and have world wide
fundamentalist wrestling.

"One time only. A life after death
match for all of our souls".

"Let's get ready to humble"!

Here's the drill. Fundamentalists
take it to be "the word".

Not translatable, not metaphorical,
"the word".

In the Genesis, "Let there be light"!
Could that be a metaphor for the Big Bang?

"No. God just went click".

We are all descendant from Adam
and Eve, then we are all cousins?

"That's right"!

There are miracles in the Bible.

Like when Moses, and I'm not
talking "Guns 'N' Moses", no!

Not Charlton Heston going,

"Let the Jews go or the pharaoh
gets two in the head"!

Charlton Heston,
a man who said,

"Guns don't kill people.
Apes with guns kill people".

No, Chucky! The second amendment

started from people
going like this...

And that still continues.
That's OK!

When Moses said to pharaoh
"Let my people go".

And pharaoh went
"In your dreams"!

And Moses called the God,
"God, I need some help"!

And frogs fell from the sky.

Or maybe there were Jews
with catapults going "Now"!

Thank God it wasn't the French,
cause they would go "Lunch"!

"You're great caterers, I can't
let you go, you crazy people"!

Frogs fell from the sky. I would
be going "Get your shit and out"!

I said wait a minute! That's what
we should drop on Afghanistan.

Not bombs, not food...
Fucking frogs!

Frogs, lizards, hamsters, gerbils,
shit they haven't seen.

If you wanna get people out
of caves, a shit load of NY rats.

NY rats would be going
"Hey, come on, raid"!

"I eat pussy literarly.
Bring it on"!

Even then pharaoh was not impressed
"Please, David Copperfield, no"!

And then boils and
then first born dies.

"That's it! Hebrews get out"!

And everybody...

"Let's not wait for the bread to rise".

"Just get the crackers and the skin
off your penis, we're leaving"!

Excuse me! Why the skin
off the penis?

"We're travelling, people.
You don't want sand in there".

"And this is so passe! The dicky
thing, forget it. Let's move"!

We're going to the desert.
Then they get the 10 commandments,

that would be ajusted later
by certain presidents.

And they get to the Red Sea.

And they go "What now,
Mr. Magic, what do we do now"?

We're gonna walk on the
"fregs bocks", the "frogs bucks"...

Frogs backs!

Thank you for watching me this far.

Obviously, I did inhale.

"What do we do now, Mr. Big Shot"?

And he calls to God again
and the sea parts.

And even the most doubting
Jew is going "You're good"!

Let's move, don't eat the shellfish,
I'll tell you why later.

Where are we going?

"To Jerusalem to start
years of struggling,"

"and later to Miami
to fuck up an election".

And then the pharaoh comes, the sea
closes and he calls to his cat-like God

but the cat-like God can't do shit,
cause it's afraid of water.

And then there's another miracle.

The night that Mary said to Joe
"Joe, I'm pregnant".

Joe went "Holy Mother of God"!
She went "You're right"!

- Oh, Jesus Christ!
- What a great name, Joe!

"That is so much better
than Shmul. Way to go"!

- I love you, Joe!
- Hold on a minute, Mary.

- So I'm the step father of God's kid?
- Yeah.

"I can't discipline him,
I can't tell him he's wrong,"

cause he'll look to me saying
"You're not my real dad".

- How did it happen?
- It's immaculate, Joe.

"It better be, Mary!
It better be immaculate"!

I'm sorry I'm transforming
Joe into Ralph Cramdon.

Up to that point, all the names
in the Bible are very Jewish.

You have Noah, Moses, Zebedee
and then you get Mary and Joe.

We're just a hyphenate away
from Mary-Jean and Joe-Bob.

We could've had Jim Bob,
the son of God.

Praise to him, Jim-Bob.

He, who finds the stuff
And gets me a job, Jim-Bob!

Jesus was an only child.
Thank God!

Who would want to be Jerry,
the brother of Christ?

That's a tough gig.

"Come on, Jerry,
we're going to the beach".

"Jesus's gonna walk on the water,
feed everybody, heal them"

"and get a whole buch
of disciples".

"I'll sat there with a rash and sand
in my ass. Great day for me"!

He ends up in a bar at the age of 30 going
"Yeah, I'm Jerry Christ, whoo-dee-doo"!

"Yeah, I healed sombody. Come
here Spot, heel! Look at that"!

"Jesus is a carpenter, I'm
a plumber. You do the math"!

And people say to me Jesus wasn't
Jewish. Of course he was Jewish!

Thirty years old, single, living
at home with his parents, come on.

Working in his father's business,

his mother thought he was
God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!

It's an old tradition!

And if he was Jewish, and many
of his Disciples were Jewish,

for the Last Supper, would they
have not gone out for Chinese?

"Welcome to Yah-Weh. Hold on
one minute, no service, no sandals".

"OK, you come in now".

"You're twelve. All I got is two
tables of six. They're not together".

"I got one big table by the window,
but you all have to face this way".

"You are glowing, so I guess we won't
need that lamp, that's very nice"!

"You've just turned a Szechwan chicken
into a live chicken, you very good!"

It's said that night, Jesus
turned to his disciples,

and said "One of you
shall betray me".

Peter said, "Is it me, Jesus"?
Jesus said, "It is not you Peter".

Simon said, "Is it me, Jesus"?
Jesus said, "It is not you Simon".

And Judas said
"Is it me, Jesus"?

And Jesus turned to him
"Is it me, Jesus"!?

Thus you see
two traditions beginning

Jewish sarcasm and gentile
humor. Together born!

The next day the miracle occured.
Crucifixion, Resurrection,

and he rose again from the
dead and if he sees his shadow

another 2,000 years of guilt.
Yes!

For me, the one big question is how
do you get Crucifixion, Resurrection

and then chocholate bunnies,
coloured eggs?

How do you do that one?

Even kids are going "Rabbits
don't lay eggs. What is this"?

And you don't want a kid bitting
the head off a chocholate Jesus.

You don't want a cream
filled cross going...

You don't wanna put raspberry
jam in the grass going

"We're looking for Jesus,
kids, come one"!

What are we trying to do?
You're trying to keep them involved.

That's why we have all the saints
that did all those amazing things.

They're all there
to keep your action up.

And then we're starting
to lose them.

Like Saint Christopher...

"Chris, sorry, babe.
Dashboard sales are down".

"The medals aren't selling well".

"Drop the kid off your back, pick
up your stuff, you're outta here".

"We're gonna have Saint Prada,
all ladies accesories".

But I want a saint
like Mother Teresa.

She said "You can do only
small things with great love".

And Pat Robinson said
"She's not a real Christian"!

"Why? Cause she doesn't have
tag shelther and a university"?

Mother Teresa never had a line
of products, her own perfume...

"Compassion" by Mother Teresa.

"I smell, because I care.
Compassion"!

Gandhi never had "Gandhi Jeans"...

"Whether you're simply not eating or
telling the English to get the fuck out"!

"They come in size one and below".

Gandhi was an amazing man.

They asked him "What do you
think about Western civilization"?

He said "I think it would
be a wonderful idea".

As beatific as Gandhi was, there
was somebody in a Bombay bar going

"I know Gandhi.
He was a prick".

"I saw him sucking on a pork hot-dog,
hitting on Mother Teresa".

"He kept saying
Who's your diaper daddy"?

"I saw that with my eyes".

"If you don't believe me, I'll
bitch slap you like Shiva".

"Don't press this.
Don't fucking do that"!

"Don't go ding-dong,
you asshole"!

"Cause India has the
atomic bomb, my friend".

"I could turn this whole
place into Chicken Tika".

India has the bomb.
Pakistan has the bomb.

And we're prepared
to fight over Kashmir.

And your president probably thought
it was a sweater. What an asshole!

India detonated
700 ground nuclear tests.

Pakistan detonated
700 ground nuclear tests.

And your spy satelites were
like Ray Charles in the Louvre.

They didn't have a fucking clue.

India has the bomb.
Pakistan has the bomb.

China has the bomb.

Or maybe they just have one
billion people go "Boom"!

Russia has the bomb.
"We have many bombs".

"We don't know
where they all are"!

Maybe you want a dirty bomb.

And the French have a bomb, too.

Maybe they have the Michelin
bomb that only destroys

restaurants under four stars.

They still test their bombs.
They still detonate their bombs.

Where did they do
the undeground test?

In the Sahara,
in the total wasteland?

No, fuck off!
In Tahiti! In paradise.

Why?
"Because we're French".

"Oh, look a Green Peace
boat's come to protest".

"Fuck off, I sink you".

"I'm the baddest mother
fucker, am I not"?

"Look, I'm giving a
cigarette to a baby".

"Suck on the cigarette.
Life is shit. Get to know this".

"You, Americans.
Fuck all of you Americans"!

"Americans, you politically correct.
You cultureless crack Americans".

"We hate all of you.
Fuck off"!

"The Germans are here...
Hello, Americans"!

"I love you!
Come on, Americans".

"Welcome back, Americans"!

"You can build a Disneyland
near Paris".

"We won't go, but build it".

"It will have a Minnie mouse with
armpit hair. It will be great"!

Smoking a Galloise, going
"I never loved Mickey".

"He has three fingers. What am I,
a bowling ball? Fuck off"!

"Don't love him"!

But there is one country
that watches out for all of us

the Swiss, ya!
The Geneva Convention.

If there's ever a nuclear war,
they will be the only people going

"What was that noise"?

In their big hollowed out country,

with their chocholate
and their watches. Ya!

The nice Germans. Ya!

Or, as they like to say,
"the other white race".

I have only one question.

How can you trust an army, that
has a wine opener on it's knife?

"Many of you, men, have never
opened Chardonnay under fire".

"You take out the wine bottle,
pull out the cock and throw"!

"I don't know, but I've been told,
Chardonnay must be self-cold".

My God! Where did all this
Impresionistic art come from?

And all these jewelry
from 1939 to 1945?

Fairies must've brought
it during the night.

I have to do the Heimlich and
cough up an account number.

I know this one thing...

I know there's one country that is not
developing a weapon of destruction.

That does not have a secret
weapon's lab up in the mountains.

Jamaica!

Jamaica would never make
an atomic bomb.

They may make
an atomic bong.

But I'd rather fight the war with an atomic bong
cause, when the atomic bomb goes off,

there's devastation and radiation.

When the atomic bong goes off,
there's celebration!

Smokes a split for the communion.

If you don't see Jesus then,
you never will.

I know only one thing.

I never met me
an angry pot smoker.

I never met a man who said
"Hey, you fucking prick"!

"Oh, fuck"!

"What was I gonna do"!?

"Hold me, you piece of shit.
Get over here"!

Because you see,
marihuana...

I know this one.
Wait a minute.

If you smoke a lot of pot, you may
never become a rocket scientist.

Or maybe...

If you seen some of the things that
happened recently to NASA, maybe you can.

"The Mars lander..."

"I did the calculations in feet,"

"but I programmed
the lander in meters".

"So, instead of landing,
fucker burried"!

"185 million dollars... oopsy"!

"Two years... splat"!

"OK, fuck!
Here's a better one"!

"The Hubble Telescope..."

"I forgot to put in a lens".

Read the top line.
"Officer Jerry, serial..."

"The rest is just a black hole".

I once called Steven Hawking's house,
"Hello, this is Steven Hawking".

- Yes, I'd like to leave a message.
- No, this is Steven Hawking.

I know one thing though.

Pot is not like alcohol.
Alcohol changes your moods.

Go to a bar at happy hour and see
some happy motherfuckers there.

See those guys going,
"Hey, fuck you, my man"!

"Hey, listen to me".

"Listen to me, you piece of shit".

"You do not know shit
about fuck, my man".

"You want a piece of yourself"?

"Step outside, I'll kick my ass".

"I've already shit myself,
I'm halfway there".

Some people know,
you can deal with it geneticaly.

If you're Irish, you've
got a running start

that you can do it
better than we are.

If you're Irish, you'll kick my ass
but then you'll sing about it, afterwards.

"Oh, the night you
said my wife was fat,"

"I knocked you down
and shit in your hat".

And then you keep drinking 'til you're
in your 80s and you're on a dialysis machine,

doing liver dancing
Michael Flatline.

And they say the Irish
saved civilization,

drank a couple of Guiness

and forgot where they fucking put it.
But that's all right!

The Japanese drink
differently than us.

You could be polite during the day

and all of a sudden you're
"Arigato gozaimas".

And after five Jack Daniels...
"Tie the yellow ribbon"!

Karaoke for
"asshole with a microphone".

"Sing, you round eyed fuck, come on"!

And If you want a linguistic adventure,
go drinkin' with a Scotsman.

Cause you can't fucking
understand them before...

You land in Scotland
and they're going

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah?

- Sure.
- Oh, fuck sure, eh?

- Sure!
- Oh sure, you dumb fucking bastard.

And you realize how drunk they get,
they could wear a skirt and not care!

And how they could invent
a sport like golf.

Here's my idea for a fucking sport.

I knock a ball in a gopher hole.

- Oh, you mean like pool?
- Fuck off pool!

Not with a straight stick,
with a little fucked up stick!

I whack the ball, it goes
in a gopher hole.

- Oh, you mean like croquet?
- Fuck croquet!

I put the hole hundreds
of yards away!

Oh, fuck yeah!
There's big fun there!

- Oh, like a bowling thing?
- Fuck no!

Not straight,
I put shit in the way!

Like trees and bushes and high grass.

So you can lose you fucking ball.

And go hacking away
with a fucking tire iron!

Whacking away, and each time you miss
you feel like you're gonna have a stroke!

Fuck that's what we'll
call it, a stroke,

cause each time you miss you
feel like you're gonna fucking die!

Oh great, oh and here's the
better part. Fuck, this is brilliant!

Right near the end,
I'll put a little flat piece

with a little flag to
give you fucking hope.

But then I'll put a
pool and a sandbox,

to fuck with your ball again!

You'll be there trashing your ass,
jerking away in the sand.

- And you do this one time?
- Fuck no!

Eighteen fucking times!

There you have a sport!

The manly sport of golf,

where you can dress like a
pimp and no one will care.

Where even a blind gay man would go,
"Oh, dear Christ"!

"Those are loud, this is not carnival!
What the fuck are you on"?

Even the aligator's going,
"Asshole"!

It's such an athletic sport,
whack the ball, get in the car.

Whack the ball,
get in the car.

And the commentary's electrifying.

Just this side of Curling,
for really getting me going.

"We're on the third green now".

"Could people be quieter,
I'd like to hear the grass grow".

I want the guy who does Mexican
soccer to do golf one time.

"The ball is rolling,
the ball is going to the..."

"Hole"!

Just to see all those
waspy motherfuckers going,

"Oh, dear Christ"!

"My God, they're not gardening,
they're playing now, oh, shit"!

"What the hell are we gonna do"?
That was their last domain of dominance.

It was their area.
They were the king.

Up until... Tiger!

Son of a black man
and a Thai woman.

Not even a German geneticist
could've thought than one up!

Black athletic ability,
Buddhist concentration.

Crouching Potter.

And then he goes
to the British Open,

and he plays at Saint Andrews,
where they fucking invented the sport.

And after the forth round,
he's 18 under par.

And there's only 18 fucking holes.

And all the old men are going,
"My God, we're doomed"!

"How did he learn to play?
We wouldn't let him join, dear God"!

And they start having nightmares
of golf carts going...

"Yo, yo, yo, I'm playing through,"

"Whether you're a gentile or a Jew."

"Purple beats, motherfucker"!

All of your gentle sports are no longer
gentle. Tennis used to be...

Until the Williams sisters...

- 40, love?
- No, that's good love, baby!

Even boxing's changed.

Remember boxing, people go, "I go
to boxing to watch the sport of boxing".

Like saying,
"I go to stock car races"

"to see people take
left turns all day".

No, you go to boxing to see
someone get the fuck beat out of him.

Even the guy who loses is going,
"I have 18 million dollars".

"I don't know where it fucking is..."

"I'm gonna buy me a big ass house,
but I can't find it. Fuck off"!

Boxing was the same.
And then Mike Tyson!

Mike Tyson comes along
and bites somebody.

Let's get ready to nibble!

All these guys're going,
"Oh, dear God, he bit somebody"!

I'm saying, "You're lucky
he just bit somebody".

"Mike just got out of prison.
You're lucky he didn't fuck him".

You bite somebody in jail its like,
"Get ready bitch, you're mine now"!

- Break it up!
- We're not finished.

Mike said to a journalist, "I'm gonna
fuck you, till you love me".

At that point I'm going, "Someone
didn't come here to box, babe".

Mike said, "I'm on Zoloft, so I
don't kill you, motherfuckers"!

I'm going,
"Up the dosage, Mike"!

There's all these drugs,
Zoloft, Prozac.

I wanna have one drug
encompassing it all.

Call it "Fuck It All".

I don't feel anything, I don't
wanna do anything, "Fuck It All".

The closest thing to a coma
you'll ever be, "Fuck It All".

I'm sitting here in my own dong,
"Fuck It All".

The scary thing about drugs is that
they have some horrible side effect.

"May cause artificial insemination".

What?
What do you mean?

There's a product called Olestra,
which is a very strange thing.

Olestra? What is that?

It said on the little side of the chips,
"May cause anal leakage".

That's not a side effect
if my ass is going...

I think that's an effect, really!

"Fire in the hole"!
Bad day!

- How you're doing, Bob?
- Just a little anal leakage, Ted.

Bob, you wanna get out
of the pool right now?

I want science to help me.
God, look at me! Look at this!

I had women in NY saying
"Don't wear fur"!

The politically correct... red paint
"Fuck off, lady, it's me"!

I'm a fucking Chia pet.

I've gone to the zoo
and had monkeys go...

Anybody who thinks the
zoo is a happy place,

go and watch the monkeys wait
for groups of school children.

Watch the fun.
The monkeys sit there, like...

"Wait for it".

"Wait 'til the teacher comes
with the video camera".

"Now"!

Cause they're not happy.

Even the poor animals
like Ling Ling the panda,

she must mate, so you can
build the wing on the zoo.

They go to China,
they anesthesize a panda,

which is kinda redundant...

They bring him back to America
and give him a name like Ping Pong.

When his Chinese name was
Who Shu Ko Hu,

"Bear with Balls of Steel".

They put him in the cage with
Ling Ling, saying "Go, mate"!

He looks at her like,
"I would never fuck her"!

"That is one ugly panda bitch".

"If you were a panda, you'd know that's
the fucking ugliest panda bitch there is".

"I wouldn't have fucked her
with a koala's dick"!

"Fuck off"!

"I would rather lick my own balls,
than fuck that panda bitch"!

There's only one animal
who can tell you

if she's happy
and wants to mate.

That is Coco,
the silverback gorilla.

She saw me,
the blue eyed simian.

She was intrigued.

She said to her trainer...

- What does that mean?
- She wants you to tickle her.

OK, I tickle her...

Then she goes...

- What does that mean?
- She wants you to lift your shirt.

I lift my shirt, she reaches out
and grabs both my nipples.

And when an 800 pound
gorilla's got you by the tits...

you listen!

Then my balls went,
"Somebody wants to play".

- Should we go to phase two?
- No! Do not go to phase two!

"I repeat!
Do not go to lift off"!

"This may feel like a human, but
notice the placement of the tumbs".

"This is not a human"!

"Do not go to phase two"!

"Warning! Warning"!

She must've sense something,
cause she grabes me by the hand,

takes me in the back.
Daktari meets Deliverance.

I'm expecting the crocodile
hunter to walk out and go,

"Oh, cranky! She wants
to fuck his brains out"!

"Watch out, boys and girls.
Danger! Danger! Danger"!

"This could be like that time I
put my finger in a crock's cloette".

But part of me went,
"Could be fun"!

Make a great story for a bar.

A guy's going "I had
a wild night in Vegas".

"Yeah? Well I banged a gorilla".

"Where's everybody going"?

And you don't want that
late night phone call, "Hello"?

"Don't call me"!

Maybe it's because I'm 50.

When you hit 50, the old machinery
doesn't work so well.

You be at a public rest room going,
"How're you doing? Great game today, huh"?

"Oh, boy"!

What's happened is your prostate
is bigger than your ego now.

When you're in your 40s, you go to
the doctor they have to do the old...

First time is "Oh, my God"!

"I'm just putting on the
glove, Mr. Williams".

I went back the second time and
I moaned another doctor's name.

Don't do that!

- Who's Dr. Smith?
- You're the only one!

When a woman has to
go to the gynecologist,

you don't want a doctor
who has a hobby.

You don't want a gynecologist
who's also a magician.

You don't want somebody going,
"How are we today... Oh, a dove"!

"Wow, what's this"?!

"Is this your card"?

I don't want a doctor who's a
proctologist and ventriloquist. No!

"How you're doing today"?

"Take your hand out of my ass.
I'm not a muppet. Move it"!

In your 50s it's no longer the...
It's the ortho-proctoscope.

The colonoscopy.
That's what W. did.

It's a video camera
on the end of a rodeo rudder.

And it's going up you!

Suddenly, you're your own
Discovery channel special.

"Slowly, we're going up
Robin's colon".

"This must be what you see".

"Slowly up ahead,
a burger he had in '85".

- Is that a polyp?
- That's a fart, Mr. Williams.

They go further up your ass,
they blow air.

Now you're a fucking party favour.

Oh, doctor, give me all you can take!
I'm a man. Give me 120 psi!

You feel like a Pinata,
you think little Mexican kids

are gonna come out and go,
"Get the presents"!

The air is coming this way.
The farts are going, "Incoming"!

"It's not a... No finger!
It's the midget!

"Fall back behind the shit,
wait for my command"!

"Prepare to make
the wet sloppy noise"!

Because the moment they pull that
tube out of your ass, you are an evinrude!

"Rolling, rolling, rolling
Keep that colon flowing"!

Fourty miles, blowing outta you!

You put on your pants and you're floating
like a balloon spinning on the America's Cup.

"Coming about, Jimmy.
She's your"!

And then you realize...
"Oh, shit, fire in the hole"!

"Tighten up boys, we're not
gonna drop here"!

"Thank you, doctor.
See you next week".

"Hold the elevator"!

"Fuck you, you bastard"!

Seven flights of stairs.

Everybody you pass,
you're going "It's me"!

Dogs look at you like
"Roll over, man, you're dead"!

You just wanna borrow a match.
"Give me that"!

Flaming asshole.

That's what you are. You're
a flaming asshole! You're 50!

And can they make a drug
to help you through all of that,

to keep all of your organs intact
'til your golden years? No!

Can they make a drug to give you

mental clarity to your
golden time? No!

They've got a drug to make you
harder than Chinese algebra!

Grandpa can have wood again.

- I don't need the walker!
- I see that!

And your grandmother's going

"Shit! I thought the war was over"!

"Get me a tetanus shot, if you gonna
stick me with that rusty thing"!

People have died on Viagra.
They have to have the open coffin...

"Oh, dear God, I don't
remember Pete being like that".

"Kids, go get some horse shoes".

"He would've wanted it that way".

You used to get that from some
strange Chinese aphrodisiac.

Like humming bird
eyelash and rhino horn.

To give you great masculinity.

But now you're on Viagra.
You are back! You are Frankencock!

You are "the Inseminator"!

You are ready to go!

You're gonna be going for one
hour, one hour and a half!

Guys are going "Yeah"!
Women are going "Uh-uh".

Cause after the first hour,
your wife's going

"Yay, oh, big daddy..."

"Listen, I got shit to do, OK"?

"Hello"?

"Yeah, I'll be late today.
Viagra, fucking..."

"I'll try and get there.
Go outside with that thing"!

You can't go outside with a hard-on

cause the cat just
waits for you to go...

And your dog is going,
"Wow, you too"?!

Can't go to work like

- Hey, Bob!
- How're you, Pete?

"I'm happy to be here today"!

Direct traffic,
no, you can't do shit!

You have to make it
go away. You slap it.

It's like one of those
punch-me clowns.

"I'm not going anywhere"!

You have to finish it off.

In the old days was...

Now, after an hour and a half,

you've got more semen
than the Fifth Fleet.

So, when you go, it's like...

Oh, my eyes!

And your wife goes, "Now you
know how it feels, asshole"!

"Aim for the tits, Hawk Eye"!

"I'm like a Lawn Boy!
Get out"!

"Save yourselves"!

- Not the drapes!
- Too late... I own them now.

You run out of semen and
your testicles are going

"We still got an erection, chief"!

"Give me blood, give me urine,
any fluid"!

"Oh, God, please make
this fucking shit go away"!

You do every goofy,
fucking orgasmic thing...

"Don't touch it"!

"Don't look at it"!

"Don't even think about it"!

And then you realize that God,

gave you a penis and a brain.

And only enough blood
to run one at a time.

You have lost thoughts
from your childhood.

And then you hear these
words from your lady...

"My turn"!

"You can't fucking be serious"!

"Look at me, I'm Goo Boy!
What are you doing"?

"That's right, Corky!
It's time to saddle up".

"We're heading South of the border".

"You gotta please Missy".

I have one question for the ladies...

Do we look like this?

"Are you almost there"?

"No, no, no.
I will finish"!

"I love you"!

"I love you!
I will finish".

"I can take it.
I just can't feel my tongue".

"Who's your daddy"?

"I love you"!

"I will finish".

Good night!

Thank you!

Thank you!

This night for New York!

What are we gonna do tonight, Marty?

Good night!

You're the best!

We did it!

My pink lady...