Robin Williams: Live at the Met (1986) - full transcript
In this hilarious stand up comedy, Robin Williams is energetic, witty and again hilarious. It's the number one stand up comedy of all time.
("Le Nozze di Figaro
Overture" by Wolfgang Mozart)
(applause)
WILLIAMS:
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your
attention please.
There will be a minor change
in the program tonight.
Tonight the part of Robin
Williams will be played
- by the Temptations.
- (laughter)
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen.
From the Metropolitan Opera
House in New York City,
Mr. Robin Williams.
(cheering)
Oh, ho ho!
Thank you.
Howdy!
Oh, wrong opera
house, thank you.
(laughter)
I would like to thank Imelda
Marcos for her earrings.
(laughter)
Thank you Imelda, thank you.
Goddamn, now I'm wondering what
the fuck am I doing here?
This is incredible.
How do you get to the Met?
Money, lots and lots of money.
Goddamn, wonder if Pavarotti's
at the Improv going,
"Two Jews walk into a bar."
- (laughter)
- Yes.
Hello.
Goddamn.
This is an incredible place.
Look at this and these sets.
Placido Domingo
does The Music Man,
♪ Oh ho that Wells Fargo wagon ♪
♪ It's a coming
down the street ♪
♪ So don't let it pass my way. ♪
This lovely coach left over
from the second royal wedding.
And if you're royal
too, you have to
learn to do this all the time.
It came from this but
means this, anyway.
Thank you!
Isn't it amazing?
When you look at Prince
Charles, don't you think that
someone in the royal
family knew someone
in the royal family?
Now, come on.
- (laughter)
- His big old ears.
Boy, if you saw ears like that
on someone down
south, he'd be going
- (imitating banjo playing)
- (laughter)
Jeez, look at this,
I keep going, what...
Easy Lumpy, we'll
be right with ya.
(laughter)
How you like the play,
Mr. Lincoln?
Duck!
- (laughter)
- Thank you.
This is like a place where
Robin Leach could go,
"Welcome to Adnan
Khashoggi's living room!"
(laughter)
"Yes, this man makes
more money than
"you could ever
goddamn dream of.
"I'm Robin Leach with a voice
so loud even animals go,
""who the fuck are you?""
- (laughter)
- Thank you.
Nice to have you here,
you're a little late.
We have to go back and
start at the beginning.
We had a quick
thing, I'll show you.
(laughter and applause)
I kinda ran out, we did this,
we kinda played around,
went back, did a
quick thing with the coach.
And we walked around,
looked around here,
and basically I'm scared
shitless, I can't lie.
(laughter)
And they also have ballets here.
Ballets, men wearing
pants so tight
you can tell what
religion they are, yes!
(laughter)
Hmm, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes.
Goddamn, Oscar Levant said that
ballet is the fairy's football.
I say, yeah!
If that's true maybe
you should have
Tom Landry working
with the ballet going,
"Alright Baryshnikov, come over
here, everybody huddle up.
"I want you to take
Giselle out, lift her,
"throw her down, five yards.
- "Everybody else...
- (laughter)
"You know the ballet's not
over until the swan takes it
"in the ass, you know what I'm
saying, everybody come on!"
(laughter)
Maybe you have a choreographer
working with a football team.
"All right, everybody line
up, everyone line up.
"Oh, my God, a smorgasbord,
look at this!
(laughter)
"All right, all right,
who's the tight end?
"Fabulous, you stay
right there, I love you.
- "Okay.
- (laughter)
"All right, what I want you
to do, a simple pattern.
"Everybody run long, do this,
attempt to catch the ball.
"The rest of you push,
push, push, push, push.
- (laughter)
- "I love it, I love it."
There's a little
man in here going,
"I'm sorry,
he's not here tonight."
Hmm, take a little
sip here to relax.
God, thank you for
coming, I uh...
(applause)
Damn.
Little sip of Perrier here, I
had to stop drinking alcohol
because I used to wake up nude
on the hood of my car
with my keys in my ass.
- (laughter)
- Not a good thing.
"Hi, can I help you?"
"No thanks, it's just flooded.
I'll be okay.
"Beautiful, baby,
beautiful, yeah."
Because you're sucked
into drinking beer
by believing it's
a healthy thing.
All these beer commercials
usually show big men,
manly men doing manly things.
You've just killed
a small animal,
it's time for a lite beer.
Why not have a realistic
beer commercial.
What's the realistic
thing about beer?
Where you go, it's five
o'clock in the morning.
You've just pissed on a
dumpster, it's Miller time.
(laughter and applause)
It's a scary thing,
because you realize the
first purpose of
alcohol is to make
English your second
goddamn language.
Eventually you may
be quite fluent.
You may be a Nobel
Prize physicist.
After nine, maybe ten
Heinekens you're going,
(gibberish)
You're speaking fluent
drunkinese, bravo.
Next thing you know you
got a couple more beers,
you've got a friend
in a headlock going,
"I love you little
fucker, I love you.
(laughter)
"That's the kind of love I
have for ya baby, goddamn it."
And then you work
your way beyond beer.
You go beyond beer,
you start into wine.
For the very elegant people,
people, a lot of people
who are very elegant
are in Montauk going,
"Damn it, I wish I could've
been there, but no, I'm not."
Some people who have, you know,
I don't know whether to have
the red wine with the
fish or the chicken.
What's it matter
asshole, they're dead.
(laughter)
The chicken's not gonna reach
up from the plate and go,
the red wine, ugh.
(laughter)
It's over with.
No, you know what I'm saying?
And I'm not talking
about Pouilly-Fuissé
or pussy fussy, uh uh.
I'm talking about Mad Dog 20/20.
- (laughter)
- Mmm.
You know, the very elegant wine,
the type of wine with
a lovely screw top.
A bottle of which after you can
actually see vapor trails
as people pass you.
(laughter)
How you doing?
- (vocalizing)
- (laughter)
(laughing sinisterly)
You've gone too far and
you must pay your dues.
This is why I had
to give up alcohol,
'cause you have to
pay the next day.
Pray, dear Lord, please
don't hurt me now.
There you are lying in
bed and you feel like
the scene from the movie
The Fly going,
"Help me, help me!"
The entire room is spinning
like a roulette wheel.
Place your bets,
place your bets.
(laughter)
And there's the old toilet
in the corner going,
"Talk to me.
(laughter)
"Talk to me."
Oh ho ho!
And you realize, oh
God, next stop for me,
Betty Ford Hospital.
There you are, you become
a reformed alcoholic.
You've got a steaming
glass of Perrier, going,
"I feel so much
better about myself."
- (laughter)
- Goddamn it.
"I feel really healthy now.
"No, go ahead, have
your cocktail.
"I'll be over in the
corner hurting the cat."
(cackles)
- Oh, goddamn it!
- (cheering)
What is it about that?
But of course, there are people
in the bathroom right now
or a little late for the
show, these seats going,
(sniffing)
"Has the show started?
(breathing quickly)
"Well, you think this
has any speed in it?
"I don't know, yes,
probably Lumpy.
"There ya go."
Yes, we're talking
about cocaine.
Mmm, what a wonderful drug.
Anything that makes you paranoid
and impotent,
give me more of that.
Mmm, what a great thing to do.
Whoop, we're back
with sound again.
(laughter)
Sorry about the sound.
I got the sound from Hollywood.
(laughter)
Alright, people from
the balcony were going,
we understood him,
I guess Juilliard
helped for a brief moment.
I could enunciate
to the back row,
just like Sylvester
Stallone doing Hamlet.
This would be a place where
Stallone could do Hamlet.
- "To be, or what?
- (laughter)
"Yeah, yeah damn."
Jeez, we're back again.
We were discussing cocaine
for a brief moment.
The sound crapped out,
but that's why I'm
using Suppos-i-sound.
No one wants their tapes
back, I wonder why.
We were talking about how
cocaine basically affects you.
There's also something
called freebasing.
It's not free, it
costs you your house.
It should be called home-basing.
(laughter)
Here's a little warning sign
if you have a cocaine problem.
First of all, if you
come home to your house,
you have no furniture
and your cat's going,
- "I'm outta here prick,"
warning.
- (laughter)
Number two, if you
have this dream
where you're doing
cocaine in your sleep,
and you can't fall asleep,
and you're doing cocaine
in your sleep, and
you can't fall asleep,
and you wake up and you're
doing cocaine, bingo.
(laughter)
Number three, if on
your tax form it says
$50,000 for snacks, mayday.
(laughter)
You've got yourself a
cocaine problem, smartass.
He-he-he-he.
And everybody's doing cocaine.
Baseball players have to go
in front of a grand jury.
They're saying,
"Yeah, I did cocaine.
"But can you blame me?
it's a slow goddamn game.
Come on, Jack.
(laughter)
"I'm standing out in left
field for seven innings,
"there's a white line going all
the way down to home plate.
(laughter)
"Hell, I see the guy
putting it out going,
- "" ha ha ha ha ha.'
- (laughter)
"And that damn organ music, that
(singing notes to Charge)
"The third base coach doing
this shit all the time.
(laughter)
"When he does this I don't
know whether to slide
"or do a line, you
know what I'm saying?
"And people sliding into
home plate head first."
"Yeah, you out!"
"Doesn't matter baby,
I'm up now."
- (laughter)
- Ha ha ha.
Yeah, yow!
And don't tell me, don't
tell me those old time
baseball players
weren't doing cocaine.
You ever see those old films
of Babe Ruth, with him going...
(laughter and applause)
Tell me that, he was
speeding his titties off.
- (laughter)
- Goddamn.
Now, there must be some sport
where they don't do drugs.
I mean, there're not
golfers on cocaine
sitting at the
first tee and going,
"Fore, five, get it outta here.
(laughter)
"I can't take it!
Little golf cart, ehh, "Too
slow, I'm running, I'm running!"
And you couldn't be paranoid
in a sand trap going,
"I'm never getting out
of here alive, man!
(laughter)
"I'm never getting
out of here alive!"
The commentator,
"He seems to be having
problems on the third tee."
"Why you talking so low man?
"Why are are these 300 people
walking behind me so slow?
"Look in the hole,
there might be a snake.
"Look in the hole!"
(laughter)
Golf is one of the few
sports where a white man
can dress like a black
pimp and not look bad,
you know what I'm saying?
(laughter and applause)
It's a nice thing.
I want to tell you one thing.
You don't really need
cocaine to get really high,
you know what I'm saying?
'Cause there's another way
to get really high
and it's real cheap.
Just run 26 miles.
You ever see a marathon runner?
You ever see the
look on his face?
It's the same look
like, ha ha ha.
(laughter)
"How you doing?"
"I'm alive!"
(laughter)
Yeah, and it only costs you
a pair of fucking shoes,
you know what I'm saying?
It's the same thing.
You know why he's so high?
Because his body is
pumped full of endorphins.
It's the brain going,
"If you keep this pain shit up,
I'm gonna hurt you."
(laughter)
'Cause that's why when you run,
the first couple of miles
you're going, "I'm fabulous."
After about eight miles you're
going, "I'm not too good."
(laughter)
After about 26
miles you're going,
"Why the fuck did I do this?"
(laughter)
And you have that look
like (laughing manically).
And you never see a guy
hanging out by a track going,
"Psst, my man, you
need a pair of Nikes?
(laughter)
"Try one shoe on, do
this for a while.
"Because you don't need it."
The basic thing to remember
about cocaine is this.
There was once a documentary,
they asked a Peruvian
Indian chief,
They said,
"Chief what's cocaine?"
He looked right in
the camera and said,
"Cocaine is our little
gift to the white man
"for what you did to us.
(laughter)
"Yeah, you take our land, we
give you monkey for your back."
(laughter)
That seems fair.
(cackles)
Don't you know that, don't
you see it now, squabbin?
Of course, I know a
lot of people going,
"You know,
Helen and I basically,
"we did drugs in the '70s, but
in the '80s, what we liked to do
"is get all of
our stuff together
"and go, 'mm, that gets
me high, that's it.'
"We like to look in the
Sharper Image catalog and go,
"" we don't have that yet,
we don't have that yet.'
(laughter)
"And that whole thing in
Africa pisses me off.
"Everyone's sending
food to Africa.
"Let's send some cocktails,
let's make it a party, goddamn."
There's your father over there
with 15 cups of coffee,
eight cigarettes going,
"Your mother and I
never did drugs."
Beep,
"Come on, Pop."
(laughter)
Your mom's taken three
Valiums, she's passed out
in front of the T.V. going,
"Don't change the channel."
(laughter)
(groans) Don't you
see, don't you see.
Oh, look at this, maybe if
Japanese people did cocaine
it'd be like (imitating
speaking Japaneses).
(laughter and applause)
You have to be very careful,
because they can nail
your ass at any time.
In California you can get nailed
for not having your seat belt on.
If you're on the freeway,
there you are, you see a cop.
"I don't have
my seat belt on!"
(imitating crashing sound)
Next thing you know, you're on
the hood of your car going,
"You realize you didn't
have your seat belt on?"
- "No shit, yeah."
- (laughter)
California, we got different
type of police.
You get stopped in
West Hollywood, "Stop!
"Those shoes don't
go with those pants."
(laughter)
But you're used to police
here, a little bit easier.
Basically, your New York cops,
couple hundred
pounds overweight,
wandering around like,
"Hey."
You know what I'm saying?
He's over there going,
"Fuck Miami Vice.
"Where's my Maserati?
Nowhere, okay."
(laughter)
Somebody comes up with
a knife, "I'll kill you!"
"Okay, give it your best shot,
ehh, okay, get outta here,
"gimme the knife, go on.
- (laughter)
- "There ya go, go on."
It's a whole other bag.
But of course, the best
police in all the world,
you know what I'm talking about,
below that little
Manson Nixon Line, yeah.
Just down below there, when
you're going down south,
you get stopped in your
BMW there, smartass,
you're in for a good time.
(laughter)
They're the good ol' boys,
the ones wearing the
mirrored sunglasses,
with the mirror on the inside.
(laughter)
Yeah, you're ready now.
(laughs)
They usually have on assistant
that sits in the car going,
(laughing maniacally) "We
got him, Bubba, don't we?"
"We got him now,
he-he-he, squeal!
"Get ready for it,
squeal, come on,"
- (laughs)
- (laughter)
Man, you're scared
boy, you're scared.
You think you're gonna end up
in a cell with a man
named Bubba going,
"You're my little puppy now."
(laughter)
Isn't it strange to think
that if you commit sodomy
in Georgia, they're
gonna put you in a cell
with another man who's
gonna sodomize you, whoa.
- (laughter)
- This is southern logic.
(applause)
The whole country's intense.
You wanna know why the
police are intense?
Because we're intense.
We're armed, and
they're armed, yay.
It's in the Constitution.
It says you have the
right to bear arms,
and the right to arm bears.
Whatever the hell
you want to do.
(laughter)
The National Rifle
Association says you have
the right to have armor-piercing
bullets if you're a hunter.
Why?
How many deer wear
a bulletproof vest?
(laughter)
Is there one big
deer out there going,
- "I'm ready for your ass.
- (laughter)
"Come on, give it your
best shot, let's party.
"I've got a human call."
I've got a Coors,
I've got a Coors.
Isn't is scary to
think that most hunters
are people who drink
a lot of alcohol
with a heavy-caliber
weapon out there going,
- "Yeah, looks like a deer.
- (laughter)
(imitating gun shots)
"Oh, shit, sorry Bob."
"Eh, strap him on
the truck anyway.
(laughter)
"Cut a couple of limbs off,
"put 'em on there,
they won't know."
God, we're all armed.
Here in New York, at least you
don't get a lot of handguns.
In California,
everybody's got handguns,
even ladies who're
just carrying 22's;
just makes a small hole.
- (sound effects)
- (laughter)
"I got tired of carrying my mace
"because I used to mix it up
with my breath freshener and go,
(imitating spray noise)
"oh, there goes the day."
(laughter)
It's to the point in
California where you're gonna
come home and go,
"Honey I'm home."
"Easy dear."
"Hold it honey."
"Dad, I gotcha."
"Hold it boy."
- One up there.
- (laughter)
It's Family Feud, the home game.
It's the Mansons versus the
Hinckleys, come on down.
(laughter)
Show me automatic weapons,
survey says, 50% dead.
Now in England, if
you commit a crime,
the police don't have a gun
and you don't have a gun.
So if you commit a crime it's,
"Stop, or I'll say stop again."
(laughter)
But here, everybody knows we
are armed and it's escalating.
It's gonna get to
the point where
you're gonna come home one day
and people across
the street are going,
"I built this cruise missile
to stop these kids
"from playing ZZ Top."
(laughter)
And the next thing
you know, it goes
beyond that, it's Road Warrior
on the freeways.
People start mounting
twin 50-caliber
machine guns on the front
of their Chevrolet, going,
"Look Helen, a slow
Chinese driver."
(laughter and applause)
No, you think you've got him
but he's in front of you going,
"Nah, I've got a flame thrower
in the trunk, you won-ton."
(laughter)
And one little old lady up
in the front of them with her
little tiny Volkswagen with
a grenade launcher, going,
"Make my day."
(laughter)
It's all there.
We're Americans,
we're a simple people.
But if you piss us off
we'll bomb your cities.
- Think about that.
- (laughter)
Just ask the
Japanese, they'll go,
"What, we bomb one harbor,
"next thing you know,
you nuke our town.
"But the nice thing is
you build us back up,
"you buy our products,
nice people."
(laughter)
The whole thing, and
at the top of the heap.
There's Ronald Reagan
with a look in his eyes
like they're gonna put
swinging doors in the Congress.
So it's gonna be, eh,
"I'm back and I'm pissed off."
(laughter)
He's got that look in his eyes.
Here's a president that said,
"What would this country be
without this great
land of ours."
- What?
- (laughter)
- Excuse me?
- (applause)
"Wait a minute, excuse me, sir.
"Mr. Reagan, under redundant
in the dictionary it says,
- "See redundant."
- (laughter)
"Fine, you got me on that one."
Don't you see that
look in his eyes?
He's not dealing with
the real world anymore.
Here is a man that in
a presidential debate
referred to army
uniforms as costumes.
- Mm-mm.
- (laughter)
So in other words,
war is the big film.
So if he launches
a nuclear weapon,
- "That's a wrap, everybody."
- (laughter)
No, Ron, no!
Don't you see when he's
talking to Congress
he's got that look in his eyes
like it's not Congress anymore.
It's the old actors' home.
There's Tip O'Neill, he's
talking about Central America
but all of a sudden Tip's
face starts to melt to Ron.
It's not Tip anymore,
it's Duke Wango,
"Oh, forget these pissants.
"Let's get down to Nicaragua
and kick some ass."
You could see Ron go,
"I'm with ya, I'm with ya, Duke.
"I'll get the Contra ponies,
we'll be outta here."
And there's Casper
Weinberger looking
a lot like Bela Lugosi going,
"We can't do it during the day."
(laughter and applause)
Yes.
Then there's Shultz and Bush,
kinda like Stan and Ollie.
"Now you've done it, we've
over-balanced the budget."
- Hmm, there you go.
- (laughter)
Don't you see?
And Henry Kissinger,
the phantom of Congress,
somewhere in the
background going,
"They don't understand
you like I do.
"You have to understand me.
Look here, Mr. Reagan, look,
"Cambodia, Nicaragua,
Cambodia, Nicaragua, shh.
"I'll be here if you need
me, I'll be in the back."
- Wow, Ron's got that knock.
- (laughter and applause)
Suddenly, suddenly
Teddy Kennedy stands up,
but it's not Teddy
Kennedy anymore to Ron.
It's Jimmy Stewart
going, "Mr. President,
"you can't do this without
the will of the people."
Ron gets scared.
"No, no, there's no place
like the White House.
"There's no place
like the White House."
(laughter)
Thinks about Star Wars,
goes back to his room,
puts on a black robe and
suddenly, he's Obi Ron Kenobi.
Standing there,
Nancy has two danishes
strapped to her head going,
- "Help me Obi Ron.
- (laughter)
- "Help me Obi Ron."
- (applause)
Don't you see when
you look at Reagan,
he was Disney's last
wish, don't you see that?
(laughter)
Just before Disney died he went,
"Make a president."
(exhales)
And all the cartoon
characters went,
"Yeah, you heard what he
said, come on everybody.
"Goofy, you be Secretary
of the Interior."
- "Uh-huh."
- "Come on!"
(laughter and applause)
He's got that look!
There it is.
- The way he moves.
- (cheering and applause)
It's strange, though.
Don't you see the way he moves?
It's like the Lincoln exhibit
at Disneyland, don't you see?
When he gets up it's like
(imitating mechanical buzzing).
I just want you to know that...
(imitating mechanical buzzing).
(laughter)
I'll be right with
the question for
(imitating mechanical buzzing).
You expect to see Jim Henson
behind a curtain going,
"You moved him too far!
Move his arms!"
"I want you to know, the
budget's balanced now."
(laughter)
Don't you see, one day
he's gonna break down
in the middle of a
press conference.
It'll be, "Well, I..."
(imitating robot shutting down).
(laughter and applause)
He has to go now.
Basically, it's
summit time again.
A summit, a summit
is a strange thing
where they talk
about nuclear arms.
It's a strange thing,
it's like two lepers
hand-wrestling, you
know what I'm saying?
Every time you push something
wrong, boom, it falls apart.
They're talking about
partial nuclear disarmament.
This is also like talking
about partial circumcision.
- A strange thing.
- (laughter)
You either go all the
way or fucking forget it,
- you know what I'm saying?
- (laughter)
And they go to Geneva,
where you sit down,
you buy some chocolate,
have a few watches and say,
hey fuck it, we can't do
anything, I'm outta here, okay?
No, I'm saying you're
gonna have a summit,
you better do it in
Carmine's Clam Bar
down in the village, you
know what I'm saying?
Get a couple of people
named Vinny to go,
"Sit the fuck down."
- (laughter)
- You get over there,
you sit down with a couple of
guys with a middle name "the,"
you know like Johnny the
Fish, Jimmy the Squirrel.
And you come over
here, you know?
"Hey Mr. Reagan, let me
get you some clams, okay?
"Ron, Gorbachev, what's
this, a map of Albania?
"Wipe that shit off,
okay, come over here.
- (laughter)
- "Over here.
"The two of you, sit down.
What are you doing over here?
"Come here, what is this, what,
is your hair from Big Boy?
"Come over here, sit down.
"Let me get you, Gorbachev
you want some red wine?
"Let me guess, yeah, you
dig, come over here.
"The two of you, you work
this shit out or you wake up
"in the trunk of a car,
you know what I'm saying?
"You gotta divide it up.
"Gorbachev, you
start off, Reagan,
"you listen and stop
doing this shit.
(laughter)
"Okay Gorbachev, you start off."
"Okay, all I want is maybe a
little bit of Western Europe,
"nude 3D picture
of Brooke Shields.
(laughter)
"Because the eyebrows remind
me of Brezhnev, okay?"
"Reagan?"
"Well, I..."
(imitating mechanical buzzing)
(laughter)
"What the fuck are you,
a Muppet?"
(laughter)
"No, I think I should
show you who I really am."
(blows raspberry)
(mimics Nixon)
"It's me, I'm back again!
- (cheering and applause)
- "I told you I'd be back.
"It's Halloween Part 5!
"Jason's back and
he's pissed off.
"I've got the tapes now and no
one's fucking with me again."
Richard Nixon on the
cover of Newsweek
is like John Hinckley on
the cover of Guns and Ammo;
- not a good idea.
- (laughter)
He's back, whoa.
And it won't even
be them that blows the
tits off the world, no.
In the Middle East, there's
old Muammar Gaddafi,
or as his friends call him, Mo.
"Hey, Mo!"
(gibberish)
(laughter)
(gibberish)
You numbskull, no.
When you look at Gaddafi,
doesn't he look like
a cross between Omar
Sharif and Charles Manson?
Kind of has those faces?
He's got the handsome face,
but the eyes are
going "Helter Skelter."
(laughter)
"Helter Skelter."
They call him Colonel Gaddafi.
Sounds like he
should have a chain
of terrorist chicken stores.
(laughter)
Come on down to Colonel
Gaddafi's Bomb In A Bucket.
- Come on down.
- (laughter)
Bring the kids, get a
grenade, come on down.
Here is a man who had
the audacity to go,
"It's a line of death,
you cross it, you die.
"Okay, you cross
this line, you die.
(laughter)
"Okay, you cross
this line, you die.
"This line, you die.
"Okay, you knock on my door
I'm not coming out, nah."
(laughter)
What, what is this?
The only people flying
to the Middle East
right now are terrorists.
"Will you be sitting
in armed or unarmed?
(laughter)
"In case of a cabin
seizure a small
gun will fall from the ceiling.
Run to the front and claim
it in the name of Allah.
- (laughter)
- No.
The whole Middle East is like
an old Marx Brothers' routine,
it's like, "Gaddafi,"
"God bless you."
"Assad," "nobody,""Hussein,"
"nobody," "you're outta here."
(cheering and applause)
"Prime Minister Botha,
white courtesy phone.
"Prime Minister Botha,
white courtesy phone."
Strange thing.
South Africa's getting
to the point where even
Lester Maddox is gonna have
to go over there and go,
"Excuse me Mr. Botha, can I
talk to you for a moment?
"George, what do you think?
"Okay, come on.
"Mr. Botha, Mr. Botha can I
explain something to your ass?
"Let me show you the
odds here, Sparky.
"There's 14 million
black people.
"There's 3 million white people.
"Now, does the name Custer
mean anything to you?
- (cheering and applause)
- "I think you gotta
"circle them up, you
know what I'm saying?
"Either you'd better
circle all the wagons,
"or learn some some
sports real quick."
(laughter)
Scary times, and
there's Kurt Waldheim.
"Mr. Waldheim, are you a Nazi?"
"Well, we had a few beers,
next thing you know
"there we are
in Czechoslovakia."
(laughter)
"What's next, Poland?"
- "Nah."
- (laughing)
"What about that picture
of you and Hitler?"
"It's like The Enquirer, they
matted it in, it wasn't me, no."
(laughter)
It's all too crazy.
And oh, there's
the United Nations
like a traffic cop on Valium.
All of this is going
down, they're going,
(imitates blowing whistle)
"Stop.
"Stop."
Best thing for the U.N. to
do right now is to go condo,
you know what I'm saying?
- (laughter)
- Scary times.
It makes you think that Jesus
Christ is gonna come back,
but this time he's not gonna
look like Ted Nugent, uh-uh.
(laughter)
He's going to look
like Charles Bronson
and he's gonna be
goddamn pissed off.
"I'm not a carpenter this time,
"I'm a sheet-metal worker and
don't fuck with me, okay?
"The first man I wanna
talk to is Jerry Falwell.
"Get his ass down here.
(cheering)
"Bring him over here,
bring him over here."
And there'll be Jerry
Falwell, Jerry Falwell going,
"You know, the Lord Jesus loves
you if you send your money...
"He's here?
"Goodnight ladies and gentlemen.
(laughter)
"Bobby, Bobby get
the plane, get the,
"Jesus, how have you been?
"No, I misunderstood the Bible,
that's all.
"I thought you said the geeks
shall inherit the Earth,
"please, please don't
hurt me." (sobs)
And all of these healers.
If that man in The PTL Club
is such an amazing healer,
why can't he make his wife's
Jiffy Pop hairdo go down?
(laughter)
Jim Baker and Tammy!
If this man has a
direct line to God,
why does his wife
look like Divine,
- you know what I'm saying?
- (laughter)
Then there's Ernest Angley
saying, "I will heal you."
But he's wearing a toupee
that's so shitty it looks like
a small animal crawled on
his head and went (gasps).
(laughter)
There's Reverend
Gene Scott going,
"I will compare and contrast
Jesus and Spider-Man."
No baby, no.
Makes you think that God's
up there looking down going,
"I gave you a nice planet
and you fucked it up."
Everything's going
a little strange.
Our rivers are so polluted
that maybe one day
a five thousand pound trout's
gonna crawl out of the Hudson
and go, "I wanna talk to anybody
from Dow Chemical, anybody.
(laughter)
"Get his ass over here.
"I got some two-headed
babies to show your ass.
"Better living
through chemistry?
"Show me this."
(vocalizing)
"But we believe now
the accident at
"Chernobyl has been
taken care of.
"If you'd like to follow
us into the plant,
- "I'll show you around."
- (laughter)
Tom Waits once said that you
know, maybe there's no devil;
he's just God when he's drunk.
Well if God drinks,
you think that God
gets stoned once in a while?
Look at a platypus, I think so.
(laughter)
(inhales)
You think God's up there going,
"Okay, let's take a beaver.
(laughter)
"Okay, let's put
on a duck's bill.
"Hey, I'm God, what
are you gonna do?
"Okay.
"Okay, he's a mammal,
but he lays eggs.
"Hey, Darwin!
(vocalizing)
- (laughter)
- "There you go!"
Because nature does that,
nature has no rules.
It has no rules at all.
Every time you think there's
a rule for nature it goes,
"No, no." (kissing noise)
"I'm outta here."
(laughter)
If we take the planet
out, if we blow this earth
to death, we're gone,
(ripping noise) nothing.
Nature will go,
(grunts) "I'm back."
(laughter)
It'll keep going, it'll be
new forms, different things.
That's what spring is.
Every spring, every animal
has that look in
their eyes like, "Yeah."
Flowers like Barry White going,
"Oh, baby, give me
your hairy stamen now."
(laughter)
That's why your dog
looks at you like,
"Listen, man, you
got a choice, okay?
"I can either hump your leg or
"leave the house,
it's up to you.
- (laughter)
- "Your choice."
It's a time when your
cat looks at you like,
"Have you ever
seen this before?"
(laughter)
Basically it's that
urge, it's springtime.
It's nature crying
out, "Let's party!"
It's time to go wild and
do the dance of love.
It's time when male birds
do that incredible thing
where they go, "Check
it out, check it out.
"Check it out, I'm
incredible, check it out."
And the female birds are
usually going, "Maybe? Maybe?"
Yes, and we as
human beings, we are
driven by the same
sexual desire.
Men, you know you have a tiny
creature living between your
legs that has no memory and
no conscience, you know that.
- (laughter)
- You know you have no control!
There is no control
over this tiny beast.
You wake up in the
morning, he's been up
five minutes before you're
like, "How you doing?"
(laughter)
No conscious control!
He's there, ya-hah.
"Morning!
Time for jumping jacks."
And whoever you live with,
they look at you like,
who are you thinking about?
(scoffs)
He looks at them with that one
good eye,
"Nobody, I'm on my own.
"Let's play horseshoes,
get a towel,
"put a hat on me,
let's take a chance."
(laughter)
And you may be playing sports,
you may be with other men,
you've just done manly things,
you've played a good game
of football, you've just turned
your friend's face into goo.
You're in the locker room,
you're soaping up going,
"Good game, everybody."
All of a sudden he
rises up and goes
- "Hey, good game, everybody."
- (laughter)
And all your friends are going,
"Yeah, real good game, Bob."
(laughter)
You have no control!
It should be a
separate creature.
You should be able
to take it off,
boom, put him on the ground.
Take him for a walk,
he's got the rollers,
- he'd be like (vocalizing).
- (laughter)
Make it a different beast!
(cheering and applause)
That way...
You'd have some control,
at least some control.
"Heel!"
(snarling)
"Sit!"
(groaning)
You'd have some control of him,
but as it is now, you have none.
No control at all,
women know this.
When you look at it, you can
see the look in their eyes
like, "Well, it's a
ridiculous piece of flesh.
(laughter)
"My God, looks like a snail
wearing a helmet, what is it?"
Or if you're
uncircumcised, looks like
a snake wearing a
sweater, you know that.
It's ridiculous, but the
moment he starts to rise, yeah.
It's a different
case, they get that
look in their eyes like,
"Alien!"
- (vocalizing)
- (laughter)
Strange, why, why is he here,
why are we driven
by this desire?
We have lust!
Lust permeates our
soul sometimes.
Men, we are so
driven by this lust
that we have a violent streak
that comes along with it.
If we can't fuck
it, we'll kill it,
you know what I'm saying?
It's like that.
That's why we make
weapons, a nuclear bomb,
it's basically a
man's way of saying,
"I'm gonna fuck up
the earth, yeah."
A woman would never
make a nuclear weapon,
they would never make
a bomb that kills you.
They'd make a bomb that makes
you feel bad for a while.
(laughter)
See, that'd be a
whole other thing.
That's why there should
be a woman president.
Don't you see?
That's be a wonderful thing!
(cheering and applause)
It'd be an incredible
concept, that.
There would never be any wars,
just every 28 days some
intense negotiations.
(laughter)
That'd be a good thing there!
(applause)
Because you have that release,
as a woman every 28
days you can get crazy!
Your friend comes into town,
I don't think it's
a friend, do you?
How many friends make you
wanna stand on top of the roof
with an automatic weapon
and go, "Get in the house!
- (laughter)
- "Get in the fucking house!"
No, it's not a friend.
That's why men are
going, "Well, maybe not."
- (laughter)
- (cackles)
We're driven, we
are driven by this
desire, by this
strange creature.
Wouldn't it be nice sometimes,
wouldn't it be nice if
you could go into a bar,
buy him a drink once in a while.
There'd be a big bar up here,
a little bar down here for him.
(laughter)
Go into the bar,
yeah, put him out.
He's looking up at
you with that one
good eye like,
"How ya been, baby?
(laughter)
"Sorry about last night,
I guess I got nervous,
"fired off a couple of
warning shots, what the hell.
(laughter)
"But if you didn't
try and strangle me,
"I'd have a better chance,
you know what I'm saying?
"The hell, I can't go
back in there, man,
"that's some scary stuff,
you know what I'm saying?
"I'm not going back without a
wet suit and a mining helmet,
- "I tell you that.
- (laughter)
"You better work on that stuff,
"I'm not going back,
hell no, I won't go...
"Hey, forget what I
said, who's that?
"I'm going down here,
you talk to her,
"down scope."
(imitates mechanical buzzing)
Don't you see?
It'd be the only true
character witness
you could ever have
at a divorce trial.
"Your Honor, I'd
like to bring out
"a character witness right now.
(laughter)
"I believe it has a lot
of bearing on the case."
(whumps)
"Promise to tell the whole
truth, nothing but the truth,
"promise to raise
your right hand?"
"I don't have a right hand,
"but I'll give it
a shot. (whumps)
- "Mr. Phallus.
- (laughter)
"On the night of the 15th,
what do you remember?"
"Well, it was light,
it was dark,
"it was light, it was
dark, it was light.
(laughter)
"Couldn't see very well.
"The hell I'm supposed to do?
"Goddamn it, what the
hell am I supposed to do,
"what do you want
from me, goddamn it?
"I didn't know, he's the
commander, I merely sat
"down here, I held the
testicles, I didn't know why.
"I am not an animal,
I am a sexual organ!"
It is this creature, this lust.
But what compensates for this?
There's also your heart.
Your heart is romance
going, "What about love?
"What about poetry?"
and he's down there
going, "Whatever
works, babe, yeah."
(laughter)
Then above romance,
there's your mind going,
"Ah, I believe
you're both right.
"We must propagate the species,
but we still must have
"conversation afterwards, that's
why I'm looking for a woman
"who gives mind, if
you catch my drift."
(laughter)
That's why we are driven
to meet Miss Right,
- or at least Miss Right Now.
- (laughter)
And you do, and you do the act,
the wonderful act
of making love.
And you're making love,
and you feel like a god,
and the moment
you have an orgasm
you look like goddamn Goofy.
(laughs)
(taunting)
You're going,
"Yes, yes, yes, whoa!
- (laughter)
- "Is this fun or what!
"Oh, whoa, ho ho, wow!"
And if we found somebody
else it'd be even more fun.
Oh, God!
Men can't fake an
orgasm, who wants to look
that dumb, you know
what I'm saying?
(laughter)
It's an incredible thing,
'cause once a man has an orgasm
he's there, as a vulnerable
human being and then...
(snores)
(laughter, cheering
and applause)
At that point women
usually go, "I'm ready."
(laughter)
And he's there like a
little prize fighter going,
"Uncle Charlie, I coulda
been somebody, goddamn it.
- "I'm melting!
- (laughter)
- I'm melting!
- (applause)
It's over, you're through.
Can't even jump-start him.
It's an incredible thing!
You try, you try, that's
when you need sexual therapy.
That's when you need
help from a little,
tiny lady like
Dr. Ruth Westheimer.
- (laughter)
- Yes, Dr. Westheimer.
Here's a woman talking
about oral sex,
and you know she doesn't
even eat pork, warning!
(laughter)
It's a wonderful way
she talks about it,
she talks about the penis
like it's a cooking show.
"First of all, take the man's
penis between your fingers.
- "Knead the bread," no, no.
- (laughter)
No, baby, don't be doing that
with my tiny Johnson, nuh-uh.
Ah baby, I'm saying if
you want sexual help,
you don't want a little
tiny Jewish lady,
you want a large black
lady named Dr. Roof, yeah.
(laughter)
She'll help your ass stand,
'cause she'll be
goddamned honest with you.
You call and say, "Dr. Roof,
I have a small penis,
"does that make a difference?"
She'll go, "Damn straight, baby.
(laughter)
"Mm-mm.
"Honey, you can't
make butter with
"a toothpick, you
know what I'm saying?
- (laughter)
- "Mm-mm.
"Work with it baby, mm-mm.
"Don't be coming at me with
that little thing, mm-mm.
"Dress it up, get some
puppet show stuff.
"Make it sing, make it
dance, this gon' be,
"oh, get that thing
away from me!
"Uh-uh, and men, men
you better learn
"some foreplay, you
know what I'm saying?
"Most men the foreplay is
like 'eh, here I come, ' uh-uh.
"Most men, women you
know what it's like.
"They grab your titties
like they're making bread.
"You know, like they're
trying to push them
"together and make
one good one, uh-uh.
(laughter)
"These are flesh,
baby, that's you.
"Don't let him grab that
stuff, you say you wanna
"make cookies, get in there,
you wanna fuck, stay here.
(laughter)
"Don't be doing this
stuff now, nuh-uh.
"And they do this thing
where they grab your nipples
"real hard and go, 'Ooh,
does that get you hot?'
"Oh yeah.
"Oh, I'm on fire now,
Chief Smoke, yeah.
- "Mr. Vice Grip, Mr. Pliers.
- (laughter)
"And they do this
thing where they start
"grabbing your
nipples and turning
"like they're dialing
a fucking radio.
(laughter)
"What the hell is that?
"What are you dialing,
Radio Free Europe?
"Get your ass out of there.
"Damn, what is this, oh
yeah, I'm cooking now.
"There's the woofer,
there's the tweeter,
"get your ass out of here.
"Next time a man
grabs you like this,
"you grab his little testicles,
'Oh, is that a slinky?'
(laughter)
"I think he'll wise up.
Yes sir!
(whistling and applause)
"He'll learn some goddamn
sensitivity then.
"And if you squeeze, his
little eyes will go, 'wow.'
- (laughter)
- "You'll have his attention,
"he's not gonna fall
asleep on your ass then.
"He starts to nod off, boom,
'I'm back, baby, I'm back.'
"" Cause that's the way
it is, baby, and men,
"don't be afraid of oral sex,
I know most men are going
"" huh, I'm out of there,
uh-uh.'
"I say bring a lunch,
stay for the day, baby.
"And if you can't look at
it, bring a Mr. Potato Head,
"make it look like
somebody you know.
- (laughter)
- "Yeah!
"Make it look like
Sigmund Freud,
your Uncle Murray, anybody!
"Have a good time,
enjoy yourself.
"Have a good time, enough
of this serious stuff
"like men get oh so
serious like, 'Behold!'
"Get that thing out of here.
"Have a good time, and use
some birth control, girls.
"Because you better be
using something, 'cause
"those sperm are coming out of
there at 500 miles an hour.
"And a little piece of rubber's
not gonna stop that, uh-uh.
"It's like putting gauze
in front of a semi
"going, 'Come on through, '
uh-uh.
"A diaphragm is at least good
'cause it's a little tiny
"trampoline for the sperm,
you know what I'm saying?
"Doesn't stop them, but it
amuses their ass for a while.
"They're thinking 'Yo,
hey!' (vocalizing)
"Little tiny Cathy Rigby sperm
doing this stuff (vocalizing).
"That stuff keeps them going,
"makes them wonder
where they are.
"And men, if they're not
gonna use a diaphragm,
"use a prophylactic, you
know what I'm saying?
"Use a prophylactic, and I
know most men are going,
"" I am not gonna wear
a prophylactic,
"" cause it makes my penis look
like a tiny terrorist, uh-uh.'
(laughter)
"No, baby, put it on.
"Even the one, the
little reservoir tip
"makes it look like a Krishna,
I know, like (vocalizing).
(laughter)
"Put it on, baby, wear it.
"And don't get the
ones with ribs,
"if you want ribs, go get
barbecue, don't do that.
- (laughter)
- "Mm-mm.
"Don't get the tickler,
the French tickler one, no,
"that looks like a
damn sea anemone.
"We're not doing
Jacques Cousteau here,
"get that damn thing off.
"Just use some simple
birth control.
"" Cause ladies, the
best birth control
"in the whole world
is simply 'ha-ha-ha!'
(laughter and applause)
"Just laugh at his ass.
"Can't take it.
They can't take that shit.
"Men cannot take laughter at the
mighty sword, you know that.
(laughter)
"That's why it's down here."
But the whole damn
purpose, the whole thing,
the whole reason
you're doing all this
is because one little
sperm gets through,
bang, you've got yourself
something wonderful.
And you're lucky you get
any good sperm at all,
'cause when you're making
love, your testicle's
like a little punching
bag like (sputtering).
(laughter)
It's lucky your semen
don't come out of there
like Leon Spinks going, "I
coulda fought better, Howard.
(laughter)
"I coulda come at him but he
seemed to move away from me."
That's it, one little sperm
gets in there, makes contact,
boom, it's like a
chromosome square dance.
- ♪ 24 chromosomes coming down ♪
- (laughter)
♪ 24 chromosomes
spinning round ♪
♪ Dominant gene
means hair is brown ♪
♪ Bow to your father ♪
♪ Bow to your mother ♪
And you've just
created a tiny creature
that'll eventually quit
college on you, too.
(laughs)
You're off and running,
the wonders of life,
and women know the
moment they get pregnant
'cause there's like a ping,
and they start to glow,
and you expect to see
three wise men show up
at your door and go,
"We saw a star, dude."
(laughter)
They've got this incredible
feeling about them,
and the natural process takes
a slow, slow transition,
and three months later the
wonderful thing happens,
- the titty fairy arrives.
- (laughter)
And in one night, she goes
from zero to Aida, ya!
Thank you, Jesus, thank you.
(vocalizing)
(humming)
Even he's going,
"Who the hell is that?"
"Merry Christmas, thank you.
"Ramming speed."
(drums)
No, and you make one move
towards them, it's like, "No!
"They're for the baby."
(laughter)
"Ha ha ha, come on, he's
only got one mouth,
"let's warm them up, come on."
(laughter)
No,
no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no.
And along with the titty fairy,
something else happens a
couple of months later,
six months, something
amazing happens.
The hormone fairy arrives.
And her moods start to change.
Bullshit, it makes her
period look like nothing.
(laughter)
You'll come home, she'll be
waiting for you in the door
with a large knife going
(laughs maniacally).
- (laughter)
- Honey! Honey!
And the only thing that'll
save your ass is (trumpet fare)
♪ Häagen-Dazs! ♪
(applause)
Thank you.
If you leave it
there at the door,
she'll come out five
feet and go (snarling).
(hisses)
It's over.
And you'll prepare, you'll
prepare for that moment
which you think is every day,
from six months to nine months
every day you'll be
going, "Are you okay?"
And she'll be going,
"I'm fine."
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
And you'll know, on that
ninth day of the ninth month,
it'll be time, because
you'll come home
and she'll have the entire
house packed in two small bags.
(laughter)
And she'll have that look
in her eyes like, "Let's go.
"Now."
And if you don't move,
she'll grab your scrotum
and pull it up over your head.
(laughter)
"I think you have to go now.
"Let's go!"
(laughter and applause)
'Cause your little
wife has suddenly
transformed into Ralph Kramden!
"Get it out, Norton!
Get it out!"
Because she is
passing a creature
50 times larger than
the orifice it's
supposed to come out.
(laughter)
It's whoopee time, get, go!
And you're driving
down the freeway, yes!
She's like De Niro
in Mean Streets
screaming out the
window, (yells).
And you think, I've gotta
get her to the hospital,
but I've also gotta get this
screaming bitch out of the car.
(laughter)
Dear God, help me!
(yelling)
Then she'll be very
calm, "I'm fine.
"No I'm not!
Move it!"
You get to the hospital,
you think, okay let's go,
let's go in the hospital,
let's go in the hospital.
You're carrying the
bags, there's usually
one attendant going, "You
must fill out some forms."
"Fuck you, Sabu,
get out of the way.
(laughter and applause)
"No, come on, let's go!"
She's on her gurney, she looks
like a great white whale.
(groans)
"Have you seen
the great white mother?"
"That way!"
You're rolling down
the aisle, whoa!
Attendants are going by going,
"You better do it
real quick now."
Yeah, you're screaming,
they get her in there
to the operating room, which
is a very subtle, sweet place.
Bullshit, it's Earl
Scheib's living room.
(laughter)
Bright, bright lights,
she's screaming like crazy.
You're going like this,
"Let's breathe honey. (pants)
"Let's breathe." (pants)
Because you have this myth that
you're sharing the
birth experience.
- (laughs)
- (laughter)
No.
Bullshit, unless you're passing
a bowling ball,
I don't think so.
(laughter and applause)
No.
No, baby.
Unless you're
circumcising yourself
with a chainsaw,
I don't think so.
(laughter)
Unless you're
opening an umbrella
up your ass, I don't think so.
(laughter)
You're not doing diddly-squat,
you're along for the ride.
(laughs)
And you're there
breathing. (pants)
You're hyperventilating,
she's looking at you like,
"What the fuck are you doing?!
"Why don't you knock
me out, you asshole."
And usually there's
an anesthesiologist
in the corner going,
(inhales) "You need
anything, ma'am?"
(laughter)
She sees him, she wheels
her ass over there,
"Give me that you
dumb stoned prick.
(inhaling, gasping)
"Oh, get it out..."
(laughs)
And after 10, 15 hours
of sheer bliss...
(laughter)
You're rewarded with a baby.
(laughs)
But bullshit, it's not a baby,
it's a little old man
dipped in 40 weight.
(laughter)
Don't you see?
It's like Gandhi and
Churchill had a child,
- you know what I'm saying?
- (laughter)
A little tiny thing there, it's
a little tiny creature like
"I'm looking for the breast,
I'm looking for the breast."
It's a strange creature.
And they handed me my son,
they held him up and I went,
(gasp) "My God, he's
hung like a bear."
(laughter)
"That's the umbilical
cord, Mr. Williams."
- (laughter)
- "Really?
"Don't cut that.
"Let him dream for a while."
And they did, they cut that off.
When they handed him to
me, we made contact.
Father, son, son, father.
He looked me right in the
eye, and pissed all over me.
(laughter)
And I realize, I'm a father now.
And then comes a
very special time.
Your first test as
a father, a diaper.
You're ready, you may be
a lumberjack, you may have
been a Marine, you may
have seen blood and guts,
but you've never
seen caca like this.
(laughter)
It's incredible stuff.
It's part toxic
waste, part Velcro.
(laughter)
First time you peel
back that diaper,
it's like, "Honey,
I've got it, I -
- "This shit is green!
- (laughter)
"This is incredible!
"What do you feed him, algae?
"My god, damn!
"Oh, no.
"He sucks on mama's milk,
what's it do, go to Cleveland
"before it gets to his
asshole, what is this?"
(laughter)
And usually the baby's down
there going, "Yo, yo!"
- (vocalizing)
- (laughter)
While putting it on his face,
got a little tiny Jolson going,
"Mommy, oh I love
you, oh I love you!"
And you're sitting there trying
to wipe it off. (cackles)
You can't, you've
got a little tiny
moist towelette,
no good that is.
It's like handling
radioactive waste
with an oven mitt, no good!
You're there doing all
this, it's all over your,
meanwhile your dog's over
here in the corner going,
"Jesus, man, why don't you
just put his face in it?
(laughter)
"Just do that.
"You wouldn't need
all that stuff."
It's foul, foul stuff.
It's so bad that, five
months later, people go,
(sniffs) "You have
a kid, don't you?"
(laughter)
"Yes. Yes, I do."
And now that you have a child,
you have to clean up your act
'cause you can't drink anymore.
You can't come home
drunk and go, "Hey,
"here's a little switch,
Daddy's gonna throw up on you."
(laughter)
You can't get stoned
because they have
toys that'll mess your head up.
If you're stoned
with a Transformer,
"It's a truck, it's a robot,
it's a, what the fuck is it!"
(laughter)
(yells)
God, God!
And you couldn't do cocaine,
you couldn't do cocaine,
there's a Teddy Ruxpin
doll. "Hi, I'm Teddy Ruxpin."
It's the type of doll you
think that when you fall asleep
the doll wakes up and goes,
"You must kill mommy and daddy."
(laughter)
You don't need drugs
when you have a kid.
You're awake, you're paranoid,
you smell bad, it's
the same thing.
(laughter)
You're like, (laughs maniacally)
"The baby."
I've come home sometimes,
found my wife in the doorway
with a large knife going, "I
think you should talk to him."
You expect to walk in the
nursery and see the kid
five feet over the floor
going, "Come in father."
- (vocalizing)
- (laughter)
"Damien, put the
dog down, Damien."
Because they do horrible
things, little babies.
They go up to the
dog and go, "Doggy, ah!"
(laughter)
you can see the dog look at
him like, (chuckles darkly)
"You'd be dead
if you were a cat.
(laughter)
"But since they love
you." (chuckles)
- (laughter)
- Scary!
And then they do something
wonderful though,
just when you're about
to play hand baby,
they look at you and go,
"Daddy!"
(sighs)
Then he looks at the
dog and goes, "Daddy."
(laughter)
And the dog looks at you,
"I don't have to
send him to college.
- "Yeah, ha ha."
- (laughter)
There's nothing you can do.
My son is three years
old, it's an amazing time.
It's like big head,
little tiny body.
It's an outrageous time when
they ask you about everything,
it's like,
"Why is the sky blue?"
"Well, because of
the atmosphere."
"Why is there atmosphere?"
"Well, because we
need to breathe."
"Why do we breathe?"
"Why the fuck do you wanna know!
(laughter)
"A year ago you were
sitting in your own
"shit and now you're Carl Sagan?
(laughter)
"What is this?
"Who are you!
Are you Buddha?
"Ask mommy, she's omnipotent,
she knows everything."
(laughter)
It's a little tiny
creature, man,
and they imitate
everything you do.
I was driving in traffic someone
cut me off, I went, "Fuck it!"
From behind me in his little
rocket seat a voice
went, "Fuck it!"
(laughter)
All day long he followed me
around the house going,
"Fuck it!
(laughter)
"Fuck it!
"Fuck it!
"Fuck-fuck-fuck-
fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck it!"
Sweet little old lady walked up
and said, "Oh, what
a beautiful child."
"Fuck you!"
- (laughter)
- Oh ho ho.
- It's the Williams' boy.
- (applause)
'Cause don't you see,
children, can't live with them,
can't live with them,
don't you see that?
They've got you!
They've got that
look in your eyes
like, "What are you gonna do?
"I'm a baby, I couldn't exist
in the outside world, ehh."
I see him working on
emotions sometimes,
I peeked around the
corner, there was a mirror,
he was going, (cries out)
"No, no, no, no, no, no.
(laughter)
"Ah!
No, no, no, no, no.
"Ahh!
Yes.
- (laughter)
- "That's the one."
That's the one where the dog's
going, "I'm out of here, pal."
God, it's incredible, and I try
and do sweet things for him.
I try, I say, "I'll take
him to Disneyland,
"that'll be fun, Mickey Mouse
for a three-year-old, yes.
"Mickey Mouse for a three-year-
old, that'll be incredible."
Mickey Mouse to a three-year-
old is a six foot fucking rat.
(laughter)
There's Mickey going,
"Hi little buddy!"
(screaming)
(screaming)
"No!"
And then Goofy came
up, "Uh-huh, uh-huh."
"It's Dad having an orgasm!"
- "No, no, come on.
- (laughter and applause)
"In the car."
There's nothing.
There's nothing you can do.
And if you have children,
I know a couple of you
have children, you must
have a few and you left them
at home tonight, yeah, you
snuck out you lying bastards.
(laughter)
you left them with
a little old lady
you hope doesn't have
a prison record, yeah.
You hope that she
doesn't drink so
when you call and
go, "How's the baby?"
"How's the baby?
Fuck, I don't know.
'Cause as you walked
out of the house
the last thing you
saw was a little face
pressed up against a plate
glass window going...
(laughter)
And you walked to the car going,
"I feel like Doctor Mengele.
"Help me!"
But you know as soon as that
door slammed, the kid turned
to the sitter and went, "Pfft,
old lady, they're outta here.
"Let's peel off these
Pampers and party!
(laughter)
- "You like Fisher Price music?"
- (laughter and applause)
'Cause that's it, you've
gotta work with them.
They've got ya!
They're gonna do to you exactly
what you do to your parents.
They're gonna come up to
you and do the same thing.
I know my son's
gonna do it to me.
16 years from now, he's
gonna walk right up to me,
look me right in the eye and
go, "God, dad, you're fucked."
(laughter)
My father will be standing
right behind him going, "Yes.
(laughter and applause)
"Yes!
(laughs heartily)
"Revenge is mine!"
And you have dreams
about your kid,
you have dreams that maybe
one day your kid will be
up there going, "I'd like
to thank the Nobel Academy."
Then you have this other dream
where your kid's going,
"Do you want fries with this?"
(laughter)
You don't know.
You don't goddamn know, do you?
Because it's a crapshoot,
it's a damn crapshoot.
And now you have to worry,
you have to worry what's
gonna happen with him, what
the world's gonna be like.
You don't even know who the
next president's gonna be.
If you graph the way it's going,
it goes from Jimmy Carter,
pretty benign, aw, bullshit, a
Valium poster child, you know?
Then the next one, Ronald
Reagan, howdy doody senior.
♪ Everybody believe me now ♪
If you keep going benign,
the next president's gonna be
Mr. Rogers, he'll be like,
"Hi, can you say Armageddon?
- "I think it's too late."
- (laughter)
Or if you get macho, the
next president might be
Clint Eastwood, and the
only man in the world
who could run against him
would be Jack Nicholson, yeah.
(applause)
It'd be truly a good debate.
It'd be the shortest debate
in the history of politics.
All Nicholson has to say
is, "How can you debate me,
"you haven't opened your
goddamn eyes in 20 years.
"Bingo, you're gone, baby."
You don't know, you don't
goddamn know what it's gonna be.
Maybe one day Ron wakes up,
(booming, sucking sound effects)
"I thought it was
the alarm clock."
- (laughter)
- No, baby.
Or maybe, maybe it's
gonna be all right,
maybe it will be
a wonderful world,
just like the Epcot center says.
Maybe one day we'll travel
at the speed of light,
they'll have to lose
our luggage beforehand.
- You don't know.
- (applause)
You seriously don't know.
There are times
my son looks at me
and gives me that
look in the eyes like,
"Well?
What's it gonna be?"
"Hey Zak, hey, it's, um...
"I don't know.
"But, maybe along the
way, you take my hand,
"we'll tell a few jokes
and have some fun.
"Hey, how do you get
to the Met?"
- "Money."
- (laughter)
"Yeah.
Come on, pal.
"You're not afraid, are you?"
"Nah.
"Fuck it."
(cheering and applause)
(cheering continues)
Excuse me.
Jesus, thank you.
(cheering, whistling
and applause)
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
This moves me, I don't know
how much it moves me, but
jeez this is incredible
to be at the Met right now
and the people at the Met are
going, "You ain't coming back.
(laughter)
"I tell you that
right now, you ain't
"coming back after
what you did."
But we did it!
(laughs)
- Jeez.
- (cheering and applause)
Whoa.
This is incredible,
look out here.
I wonder, do they have ballet
teamsters, they're going
"I'm moving the fucking set,
okay, I'm moving the set."
Goddamn, look back over here.
They have some prop-Mr. Hoffa,
five minutes, don't look.
(laughter)
Jesus.
Ha ha ha!
Yes.
(laughter)
Goddamn.
I wonder if they have
people before the opera,
the guys come down,
"Number 42, Pavarotti,
"I'll be singing
Lohengrin, thank you."
(laughter)
Hmm, yes.
Jesus, I feel like walking
away with this like,
"Goddamn, I played the Met, I
don't think I'm coming back,
"but this has been goddamn
incredible for me.
"I wish the people in the
balcony goddamn good luck."
If you remember, isn't there
like an opera rap song
when they go, people
who sing opera rap.
"I'm a rapper kinda
opera kinda thing
"can't you see it then
I feel it, feel it,
"singing' ayee, they kinda
do it in the common,
"don't you die, I say
baby, baby, sit and cry.
"Say Aria, Aria, you're my man,
"if he can't do it, Wagner can.
"Say Wagner, Verdi, Puccini too,
"come on everybody,
do what you can do
"said opera rap, opera rap.
"Looking through the glasses,
looking through the sight,
"see the things that
you do every night.
"Say elephants, goats,
dancing things.
"Soldiers walking and
the people don't sing.
"They say opera rap, opera rap,
"people there moving
in the ballet, too,
"dancing in tights 'cause
they work for you.
"Take it home baby
and I'm out of here."
God bless you New
York, goodnight!
(wild cheering and applause)
God bless you!
Thanks.
(cheering and applause)
Overture" by Wolfgang Mozart)
(applause)
WILLIAMS:
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your
attention please.
There will be a minor change
in the program tonight.
Tonight the part of Robin
Williams will be played
- by the Temptations.
- (laughter)
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen.
From the Metropolitan Opera
House in New York City,
Mr. Robin Williams.
(cheering)
Oh, ho ho!
Thank you.
Howdy!
Oh, wrong opera
house, thank you.
(laughter)
I would like to thank Imelda
Marcos for her earrings.
(laughter)
Thank you Imelda, thank you.
Goddamn, now I'm wondering what
the fuck am I doing here?
This is incredible.
How do you get to the Met?
Money, lots and lots of money.
Goddamn, wonder if Pavarotti's
at the Improv going,
"Two Jews walk into a bar."
- (laughter)
- Yes.
Hello.
Goddamn.
This is an incredible place.
Look at this and these sets.
Placido Domingo
does The Music Man,
♪ Oh ho that Wells Fargo wagon ♪
♪ It's a coming
down the street ♪
♪ So don't let it pass my way. ♪
This lovely coach left over
from the second royal wedding.
And if you're royal
too, you have to
learn to do this all the time.
It came from this but
means this, anyway.
Thank you!
Isn't it amazing?
When you look at Prince
Charles, don't you think that
someone in the royal
family knew someone
in the royal family?
Now, come on.
- (laughter)
- His big old ears.
Boy, if you saw ears like that
on someone down
south, he'd be going
- (imitating banjo playing)
- (laughter)
Jeez, look at this,
I keep going, what...
Easy Lumpy, we'll
be right with ya.
(laughter)
How you like the play,
Mr. Lincoln?
Duck!
- (laughter)
- Thank you.
This is like a place where
Robin Leach could go,
"Welcome to Adnan
Khashoggi's living room!"
(laughter)
"Yes, this man makes
more money than
"you could ever
goddamn dream of.
"I'm Robin Leach with a voice
so loud even animals go,
""who the fuck are you?""
- (laughter)
- Thank you.
Nice to have you here,
you're a little late.
We have to go back and
start at the beginning.
We had a quick
thing, I'll show you.
(laughter and applause)
I kinda ran out, we did this,
we kinda played around,
went back, did a
quick thing with the coach.
And we walked around,
looked around here,
and basically I'm scared
shitless, I can't lie.
(laughter)
And they also have ballets here.
Ballets, men wearing
pants so tight
you can tell what
religion they are, yes!
(laughter)
Hmm, yes, yes,
yes, yes, yes, yes.
Goddamn, Oscar Levant said that
ballet is the fairy's football.
I say, yeah!
If that's true maybe
you should have
Tom Landry working
with the ballet going,
"Alright Baryshnikov, come over
here, everybody huddle up.
"I want you to take
Giselle out, lift her,
"throw her down, five yards.
- "Everybody else...
- (laughter)
"You know the ballet's not
over until the swan takes it
"in the ass, you know what I'm
saying, everybody come on!"
(laughter)
Maybe you have a choreographer
working with a football team.
"All right, everybody line
up, everyone line up.
"Oh, my God, a smorgasbord,
look at this!
(laughter)
"All right, all right,
who's the tight end?
"Fabulous, you stay
right there, I love you.
- "Okay.
- (laughter)
"All right, what I want you
to do, a simple pattern.
"Everybody run long, do this,
attempt to catch the ball.
"The rest of you push,
push, push, push, push.
- (laughter)
- "I love it, I love it."
There's a little
man in here going,
"I'm sorry,
he's not here tonight."
Hmm, take a little
sip here to relax.
God, thank you for
coming, I uh...
(applause)
Damn.
Little sip of Perrier here, I
had to stop drinking alcohol
because I used to wake up nude
on the hood of my car
with my keys in my ass.
- (laughter)
- Not a good thing.
"Hi, can I help you?"
"No thanks, it's just flooded.
I'll be okay.
"Beautiful, baby,
beautiful, yeah."
Because you're sucked
into drinking beer
by believing it's
a healthy thing.
All these beer commercials
usually show big men,
manly men doing manly things.
You've just killed
a small animal,
it's time for a lite beer.
Why not have a realistic
beer commercial.
What's the realistic
thing about beer?
Where you go, it's five
o'clock in the morning.
You've just pissed on a
dumpster, it's Miller time.
(laughter and applause)
It's a scary thing,
because you realize the
first purpose of
alcohol is to make
English your second
goddamn language.
Eventually you may
be quite fluent.
You may be a Nobel
Prize physicist.
After nine, maybe ten
Heinekens you're going,
(gibberish)
You're speaking fluent
drunkinese, bravo.
Next thing you know you
got a couple more beers,
you've got a friend
in a headlock going,
"I love you little
fucker, I love you.
(laughter)
"That's the kind of love I
have for ya baby, goddamn it."
And then you work
your way beyond beer.
You go beyond beer,
you start into wine.
For the very elegant people,
people, a lot of people
who are very elegant
are in Montauk going,
"Damn it, I wish I could've
been there, but no, I'm not."
Some people who have, you know,
I don't know whether to have
the red wine with the
fish or the chicken.
What's it matter
asshole, they're dead.
(laughter)
The chicken's not gonna reach
up from the plate and go,
the red wine, ugh.
(laughter)
It's over with.
No, you know what I'm saying?
And I'm not talking
about Pouilly-Fuissé
or pussy fussy, uh uh.
I'm talking about Mad Dog 20/20.
- (laughter)
- Mmm.
You know, the very elegant wine,
the type of wine with
a lovely screw top.
A bottle of which after you can
actually see vapor trails
as people pass you.
(laughter)
How you doing?
- (vocalizing)
- (laughter)
(laughing sinisterly)
You've gone too far and
you must pay your dues.
This is why I had
to give up alcohol,
'cause you have to
pay the next day.
Pray, dear Lord, please
don't hurt me now.
There you are lying in
bed and you feel like
the scene from the movie
The Fly going,
"Help me, help me!"
The entire room is spinning
like a roulette wheel.
Place your bets,
place your bets.
(laughter)
And there's the old toilet
in the corner going,
"Talk to me.
(laughter)
"Talk to me."
Oh ho ho!
And you realize, oh
God, next stop for me,
Betty Ford Hospital.
There you are, you become
a reformed alcoholic.
You've got a steaming
glass of Perrier, going,
"I feel so much
better about myself."
- (laughter)
- Goddamn it.
"I feel really healthy now.
"No, go ahead, have
your cocktail.
"I'll be over in the
corner hurting the cat."
(cackles)
- Oh, goddamn it!
- (cheering)
What is it about that?
But of course, there are people
in the bathroom right now
or a little late for the
show, these seats going,
(sniffing)
"Has the show started?
(breathing quickly)
"Well, you think this
has any speed in it?
"I don't know, yes,
probably Lumpy.
"There ya go."
Yes, we're talking
about cocaine.
Mmm, what a wonderful drug.
Anything that makes you paranoid
and impotent,
give me more of that.
Mmm, what a great thing to do.
Whoop, we're back
with sound again.
(laughter)
Sorry about the sound.
I got the sound from Hollywood.
(laughter)
Alright, people from
the balcony were going,
we understood him,
I guess Juilliard
helped for a brief moment.
I could enunciate
to the back row,
just like Sylvester
Stallone doing Hamlet.
This would be a place where
Stallone could do Hamlet.
- "To be, or what?
- (laughter)
"Yeah, yeah damn."
Jeez, we're back again.
We were discussing cocaine
for a brief moment.
The sound crapped out,
but that's why I'm
using Suppos-i-sound.
No one wants their tapes
back, I wonder why.
We were talking about how
cocaine basically affects you.
There's also something
called freebasing.
It's not free, it
costs you your house.
It should be called home-basing.
(laughter)
Here's a little warning sign
if you have a cocaine problem.
First of all, if you
come home to your house,
you have no furniture
and your cat's going,
- "I'm outta here prick,"
warning.
- (laughter)
Number two, if you
have this dream
where you're doing
cocaine in your sleep,
and you can't fall asleep,
and you're doing cocaine
in your sleep, and
you can't fall asleep,
and you wake up and you're
doing cocaine, bingo.
(laughter)
Number three, if on
your tax form it says
$50,000 for snacks, mayday.
(laughter)
You've got yourself a
cocaine problem, smartass.
He-he-he-he.
And everybody's doing cocaine.
Baseball players have to go
in front of a grand jury.
They're saying,
"Yeah, I did cocaine.
"But can you blame me?
it's a slow goddamn game.
Come on, Jack.
(laughter)
"I'm standing out in left
field for seven innings,
"there's a white line going all
the way down to home plate.
(laughter)
"Hell, I see the guy
putting it out going,
- "" ha ha ha ha ha.'
- (laughter)
"And that damn organ music, that
(singing notes to Charge)
"The third base coach doing
this shit all the time.
(laughter)
"When he does this I don't
know whether to slide
"or do a line, you
know what I'm saying?
"And people sliding into
home plate head first."
"Yeah, you out!"
"Doesn't matter baby,
I'm up now."
- (laughter)
- Ha ha ha.
Yeah, yow!
And don't tell me, don't
tell me those old time
baseball players
weren't doing cocaine.
You ever see those old films
of Babe Ruth, with him going...
(laughter and applause)
Tell me that, he was
speeding his titties off.
- (laughter)
- Goddamn.
Now, there must be some sport
where they don't do drugs.
I mean, there're not
golfers on cocaine
sitting at the
first tee and going,
"Fore, five, get it outta here.
(laughter)
"I can't take it!
Little golf cart, ehh, "Too
slow, I'm running, I'm running!"
And you couldn't be paranoid
in a sand trap going,
"I'm never getting out
of here alive, man!
(laughter)
"I'm never getting
out of here alive!"
The commentator,
"He seems to be having
problems on the third tee."
"Why you talking so low man?
"Why are are these 300 people
walking behind me so slow?
"Look in the hole,
there might be a snake.
"Look in the hole!"
(laughter)
Golf is one of the few
sports where a white man
can dress like a black
pimp and not look bad,
you know what I'm saying?
(laughter and applause)
It's a nice thing.
I want to tell you one thing.
You don't really need
cocaine to get really high,
you know what I'm saying?
'Cause there's another way
to get really high
and it's real cheap.
Just run 26 miles.
You ever see a marathon runner?
You ever see the
look on his face?
It's the same look
like, ha ha ha.
(laughter)
"How you doing?"
"I'm alive!"
(laughter)
Yeah, and it only costs you
a pair of fucking shoes,
you know what I'm saying?
It's the same thing.
You know why he's so high?
Because his body is
pumped full of endorphins.
It's the brain going,
"If you keep this pain shit up,
I'm gonna hurt you."
(laughter)
'Cause that's why when you run,
the first couple of miles
you're going, "I'm fabulous."
After about eight miles you're
going, "I'm not too good."
(laughter)
After about 26
miles you're going,
"Why the fuck did I do this?"
(laughter)
And you have that look
like (laughing manically).
And you never see a guy
hanging out by a track going,
"Psst, my man, you
need a pair of Nikes?
(laughter)
"Try one shoe on, do
this for a while.
"Because you don't need it."
The basic thing to remember
about cocaine is this.
There was once a documentary,
they asked a Peruvian
Indian chief,
They said,
"Chief what's cocaine?"
He looked right in
the camera and said,
"Cocaine is our little
gift to the white man
"for what you did to us.
(laughter)
"Yeah, you take our land, we
give you monkey for your back."
(laughter)
That seems fair.
(cackles)
Don't you know that, don't
you see it now, squabbin?
Of course, I know a
lot of people going,
"You know,
Helen and I basically,
"we did drugs in the '70s, but
in the '80s, what we liked to do
"is get all of
our stuff together
"and go, 'mm, that gets
me high, that's it.'
"We like to look in the
Sharper Image catalog and go,
"" we don't have that yet,
we don't have that yet.'
(laughter)
"And that whole thing in
Africa pisses me off.
"Everyone's sending
food to Africa.
"Let's send some cocktails,
let's make it a party, goddamn."
There's your father over there
with 15 cups of coffee,
eight cigarettes going,
"Your mother and I
never did drugs."
Beep,
"Come on, Pop."
(laughter)
Your mom's taken three
Valiums, she's passed out
in front of the T.V. going,
"Don't change the channel."
(laughter)
(groans) Don't you
see, don't you see.
Oh, look at this, maybe if
Japanese people did cocaine
it'd be like (imitating
speaking Japaneses).
(laughter and applause)
You have to be very careful,
because they can nail
your ass at any time.
In California you can get nailed
for not having your seat belt on.
If you're on the freeway,
there you are, you see a cop.
"I don't have
my seat belt on!"
(imitating crashing sound)
Next thing you know, you're on
the hood of your car going,
"You realize you didn't
have your seat belt on?"
- "No shit, yeah."
- (laughter)
California, we got different
type of police.
You get stopped in
West Hollywood, "Stop!
"Those shoes don't
go with those pants."
(laughter)
But you're used to police
here, a little bit easier.
Basically, your New York cops,
couple hundred
pounds overweight,
wandering around like,
"Hey."
You know what I'm saying?
He's over there going,
"Fuck Miami Vice.
"Where's my Maserati?
Nowhere, okay."
(laughter)
Somebody comes up with
a knife, "I'll kill you!"
"Okay, give it your best shot,
ehh, okay, get outta here,
"gimme the knife, go on.
- (laughter)
- "There ya go, go on."
It's a whole other bag.
But of course, the best
police in all the world,
you know what I'm talking about,
below that little
Manson Nixon Line, yeah.
Just down below there, when
you're going down south,
you get stopped in your
BMW there, smartass,
you're in for a good time.
(laughter)
They're the good ol' boys,
the ones wearing the
mirrored sunglasses,
with the mirror on the inside.
(laughter)
Yeah, you're ready now.
(laughs)
They usually have on assistant
that sits in the car going,
(laughing maniacally) "We
got him, Bubba, don't we?"
"We got him now,
he-he-he, squeal!
"Get ready for it,
squeal, come on,"
- (laughs)
- (laughter)
Man, you're scared
boy, you're scared.
You think you're gonna end up
in a cell with a man
named Bubba going,
"You're my little puppy now."
(laughter)
Isn't it strange to think
that if you commit sodomy
in Georgia, they're
gonna put you in a cell
with another man who's
gonna sodomize you, whoa.
- (laughter)
- This is southern logic.
(applause)
The whole country's intense.
You wanna know why the
police are intense?
Because we're intense.
We're armed, and
they're armed, yay.
It's in the Constitution.
It says you have the
right to bear arms,
and the right to arm bears.
Whatever the hell
you want to do.
(laughter)
The National Rifle
Association says you have
the right to have armor-piercing
bullets if you're a hunter.
Why?
How many deer wear
a bulletproof vest?
(laughter)
Is there one big
deer out there going,
- "I'm ready for your ass.
- (laughter)
"Come on, give it your
best shot, let's party.
"I've got a human call."
I've got a Coors,
I've got a Coors.
Isn't is scary to
think that most hunters
are people who drink
a lot of alcohol
with a heavy-caliber
weapon out there going,
- "Yeah, looks like a deer.
- (laughter)
(imitating gun shots)
"Oh, shit, sorry Bob."
"Eh, strap him on
the truck anyway.
(laughter)
"Cut a couple of limbs off,
"put 'em on there,
they won't know."
God, we're all armed.
Here in New York, at least you
don't get a lot of handguns.
In California,
everybody's got handguns,
even ladies who're
just carrying 22's;
just makes a small hole.
- (sound effects)
- (laughter)
"I got tired of carrying my mace
"because I used to mix it up
with my breath freshener and go,
(imitating spray noise)
"oh, there goes the day."
(laughter)
It's to the point in
California where you're gonna
come home and go,
"Honey I'm home."
"Easy dear."
"Hold it honey."
"Dad, I gotcha."
"Hold it boy."
- One up there.
- (laughter)
It's Family Feud, the home game.
It's the Mansons versus the
Hinckleys, come on down.
(laughter)
Show me automatic weapons,
survey says, 50% dead.
Now in England, if
you commit a crime,
the police don't have a gun
and you don't have a gun.
So if you commit a crime it's,
"Stop, or I'll say stop again."
(laughter)
But here, everybody knows we
are armed and it's escalating.
It's gonna get to
the point where
you're gonna come home one day
and people across
the street are going,
"I built this cruise missile
to stop these kids
"from playing ZZ Top."
(laughter)
And the next thing
you know, it goes
beyond that, it's Road Warrior
on the freeways.
People start mounting
twin 50-caliber
machine guns on the front
of their Chevrolet, going,
"Look Helen, a slow
Chinese driver."
(laughter and applause)
No, you think you've got him
but he's in front of you going,
"Nah, I've got a flame thrower
in the trunk, you won-ton."
(laughter)
And one little old lady up
in the front of them with her
little tiny Volkswagen with
a grenade launcher, going,
"Make my day."
(laughter)
It's all there.
We're Americans,
we're a simple people.
But if you piss us off
we'll bomb your cities.
- Think about that.
- (laughter)
Just ask the
Japanese, they'll go,
"What, we bomb one harbor,
"next thing you know,
you nuke our town.
"But the nice thing is
you build us back up,
"you buy our products,
nice people."
(laughter)
The whole thing, and
at the top of the heap.
There's Ronald Reagan
with a look in his eyes
like they're gonna put
swinging doors in the Congress.
So it's gonna be, eh,
"I'm back and I'm pissed off."
(laughter)
He's got that look in his eyes.
Here's a president that said,
"What would this country be
without this great
land of ours."
- What?
- (laughter)
- Excuse me?
- (applause)
"Wait a minute, excuse me, sir.
"Mr. Reagan, under redundant
in the dictionary it says,
- "See redundant."
- (laughter)
"Fine, you got me on that one."
Don't you see that
look in his eyes?
He's not dealing with
the real world anymore.
Here is a man that in
a presidential debate
referred to army
uniforms as costumes.
- Mm-mm.
- (laughter)
So in other words,
war is the big film.
So if he launches
a nuclear weapon,
- "That's a wrap, everybody."
- (laughter)
No, Ron, no!
Don't you see when he's
talking to Congress
he's got that look in his eyes
like it's not Congress anymore.
It's the old actors' home.
There's Tip O'Neill, he's
talking about Central America
but all of a sudden Tip's
face starts to melt to Ron.
It's not Tip anymore,
it's Duke Wango,
"Oh, forget these pissants.
"Let's get down to Nicaragua
and kick some ass."
You could see Ron go,
"I'm with ya, I'm with ya, Duke.
"I'll get the Contra ponies,
we'll be outta here."
And there's Casper
Weinberger looking
a lot like Bela Lugosi going,
"We can't do it during the day."
(laughter and applause)
Yes.
Then there's Shultz and Bush,
kinda like Stan and Ollie.
"Now you've done it, we've
over-balanced the budget."
- Hmm, there you go.
- (laughter)
Don't you see?
And Henry Kissinger,
the phantom of Congress,
somewhere in the
background going,
"They don't understand
you like I do.
"You have to understand me.
Look here, Mr. Reagan, look,
"Cambodia, Nicaragua,
Cambodia, Nicaragua, shh.
"I'll be here if you need
me, I'll be in the back."
- Wow, Ron's got that knock.
- (laughter and applause)
Suddenly, suddenly
Teddy Kennedy stands up,
but it's not Teddy
Kennedy anymore to Ron.
It's Jimmy Stewart
going, "Mr. President,
"you can't do this without
the will of the people."
Ron gets scared.
"No, no, there's no place
like the White House.
"There's no place
like the White House."
(laughter)
Thinks about Star Wars,
goes back to his room,
puts on a black robe and
suddenly, he's Obi Ron Kenobi.
Standing there,
Nancy has two danishes
strapped to her head going,
- "Help me Obi Ron.
- (laughter)
- "Help me Obi Ron."
- (applause)
Don't you see when
you look at Reagan,
he was Disney's last
wish, don't you see that?
(laughter)
Just before Disney died he went,
"Make a president."
(exhales)
And all the cartoon
characters went,
"Yeah, you heard what he
said, come on everybody.
"Goofy, you be Secretary
of the Interior."
- "Uh-huh."
- "Come on!"
(laughter and applause)
He's got that look!
There it is.
- The way he moves.
- (cheering and applause)
It's strange, though.
Don't you see the way he moves?
It's like the Lincoln exhibit
at Disneyland, don't you see?
When he gets up it's like
(imitating mechanical buzzing).
I just want you to know that...
(imitating mechanical buzzing).
(laughter)
I'll be right with
the question for
(imitating mechanical buzzing).
You expect to see Jim Henson
behind a curtain going,
"You moved him too far!
Move his arms!"
"I want you to know, the
budget's balanced now."
(laughter)
Don't you see, one day
he's gonna break down
in the middle of a
press conference.
It'll be, "Well, I..."
(imitating robot shutting down).
(laughter and applause)
He has to go now.
Basically, it's
summit time again.
A summit, a summit
is a strange thing
where they talk
about nuclear arms.
It's a strange thing,
it's like two lepers
hand-wrestling, you
know what I'm saying?
Every time you push something
wrong, boom, it falls apart.
They're talking about
partial nuclear disarmament.
This is also like talking
about partial circumcision.
- A strange thing.
- (laughter)
You either go all the
way or fucking forget it,
- you know what I'm saying?
- (laughter)
And they go to Geneva,
where you sit down,
you buy some chocolate,
have a few watches and say,
hey fuck it, we can't do
anything, I'm outta here, okay?
No, I'm saying you're
gonna have a summit,
you better do it in
Carmine's Clam Bar
down in the village, you
know what I'm saying?
Get a couple of people
named Vinny to go,
"Sit the fuck down."
- (laughter)
- You get over there,
you sit down with a couple of
guys with a middle name "the,"
you know like Johnny the
Fish, Jimmy the Squirrel.
And you come over
here, you know?
"Hey Mr. Reagan, let me
get you some clams, okay?
"Ron, Gorbachev, what's
this, a map of Albania?
"Wipe that shit off,
okay, come over here.
- (laughter)
- "Over here.
"The two of you, sit down.
What are you doing over here?
"Come here, what is this, what,
is your hair from Big Boy?
"Come over here, sit down.
"Let me get you, Gorbachev
you want some red wine?
"Let me guess, yeah, you
dig, come over here.
"The two of you, you work
this shit out or you wake up
"in the trunk of a car,
you know what I'm saying?
"You gotta divide it up.
"Gorbachev, you
start off, Reagan,
"you listen and stop
doing this shit.
(laughter)
"Okay Gorbachev, you start off."
"Okay, all I want is maybe a
little bit of Western Europe,
"nude 3D picture
of Brooke Shields.
(laughter)
"Because the eyebrows remind
me of Brezhnev, okay?"
"Reagan?"
"Well, I..."
(imitating mechanical buzzing)
(laughter)
"What the fuck are you,
a Muppet?"
(laughter)
"No, I think I should
show you who I really am."
(blows raspberry)
(mimics Nixon)
"It's me, I'm back again!
- (cheering and applause)
- "I told you I'd be back.
"It's Halloween Part 5!
"Jason's back and
he's pissed off.
"I've got the tapes now and no
one's fucking with me again."
Richard Nixon on the
cover of Newsweek
is like John Hinckley on
the cover of Guns and Ammo;
- not a good idea.
- (laughter)
He's back, whoa.
And it won't even
be them that blows the
tits off the world, no.
In the Middle East, there's
old Muammar Gaddafi,
or as his friends call him, Mo.
"Hey, Mo!"
(gibberish)
(laughter)
(gibberish)
You numbskull, no.
When you look at Gaddafi,
doesn't he look like
a cross between Omar
Sharif and Charles Manson?
Kind of has those faces?
He's got the handsome face,
but the eyes are
going "Helter Skelter."
(laughter)
"Helter Skelter."
They call him Colonel Gaddafi.
Sounds like he
should have a chain
of terrorist chicken stores.
(laughter)
Come on down to Colonel
Gaddafi's Bomb In A Bucket.
- Come on down.
- (laughter)
Bring the kids, get a
grenade, come on down.
Here is a man who had
the audacity to go,
"It's a line of death,
you cross it, you die.
"Okay, you cross
this line, you die.
(laughter)
"Okay, you cross
this line, you die.
"This line, you die.
"Okay, you knock on my door
I'm not coming out, nah."
(laughter)
What, what is this?
The only people flying
to the Middle East
right now are terrorists.
"Will you be sitting
in armed or unarmed?
(laughter)
"In case of a cabin
seizure a small
gun will fall from the ceiling.
Run to the front and claim
it in the name of Allah.
- (laughter)
- No.
The whole Middle East is like
an old Marx Brothers' routine,
it's like, "Gaddafi,"
"God bless you."
"Assad," "nobody,""Hussein,"
"nobody," "you're outta here."
(cheering and applause)
"Prime Minister Botha,
white courtesy phone.
"Prime Minister Botha,
white courtesy phone."
Strange thing.
South Africa's getting
to the point where even
Lester Maddox is gonna have
to go over there and go,
"Excuse me Mr. Botha, can I
talk to you for a moment?
"George, what do you think?
"Okay, come on.
"Mr. Botha, Mr. Botha can I
explain something to your ass?
"Let me show you the
odds here, Sparky.
"There's 14 million
black people.
"There's 3 million white people.
"Now, does the name Custer
mean anything to you?
- (cheering and applause)
- "I think you gotta
"circle them up, you
know what I'm saying?
"Either you'd better
circle all the wagons,
"or learn some some
sports real quick."
(laughter)
Scary times, and
there's Kurt Waldheim.
"Mr. Waldheim, are you a Nazi?"
"Well, we had a few beers,
next thing you know
"there we are
in Czechoslovakia."
(laughter)
"What's next, Poland?"
- "Nah."
- (laughing)
"What about that picture
of you and Hitler?"
"It's like The Enquirer, they
matted it in, it wasn't me, no."
(laughter)
It's all too crazy.
And oh, there's
the United Nations
like a traffic cop on Valium.
All of this is going
down, they're going,
(imitates blowing whistle)
"Stop.
"Stop."
Best thing for the U.N. to
do right now is to go condo,
you know what I'm saying?
- (laughter)
- Scary times.
It makes you think that Jesus
Christ is gonna come back,
but this time he's not gonna
look like Ted Nugent, uh-uh.
(laughter)
He's going to look
like Charles Bronson
and he's gonna be
goddamn pissed off.
"I'm not a carpenter this time,
"I'm a sheet-metal worker and
don't fuck with me, okay?
"The first man I wanna
talk to is Jerry Falwell.
"Get his ass down here.
(cheering)
"Bring him over here,
bring him over here."
And there'll be Jerry
Falwell, Jerry Falwell going,
"You know, the Lord Jesus loves
you if you send your money...
"He's here?
"Goodnight ladies and gentlemen.
(laughter)
"Bobby, Bobby get
the plane, get the,
"Jesus, how have you been?
"No, I misunderstood the Bible,
that's all.
"I thought you said the geeks
shall inherit the Earth,
"please, please don't
hurt me." (sobs)
And all of these healers.
If that man in The PTL Club
is such an amazing healer,
why can't he make his wife's
Jiffy Pop hairdo go down?
(laughter)
Jim Baker and Tammy!
If this man has a
direct line to God,
why does his wife
look like Divine,
- you know what I'm saying?
- (laughter)
Then there's Ernest Angley
saying, "I will heal you."
But he's wearing a toupee
that's so shitty it looks like
a small animal crawled on
his head and went (gasps).
(laughter)
There's Reverend
Gene Scott going,
"I will compare and contrast
Jesus and Spider-Man."
No baby, no.
Makes you think that God's
up there looking down going,
"I gave you a nice planet
and you fucked it up."
Everything's going
a little strange.
Our rivers are so polluted
that maybe one day
a five thousand pound trout's
gonna crawl out of the Hudson
and go, "I wanna talk to anybody
from Dow Chemical, anybody.
(laughter)
"Get his ass over here.
"I got some two-headed
babies to show your ass.
"Better living
through chemistry?
"Show me this."
(vocalizing)
"But we believe now
the accident at
"Chernobyl has been
taken care of.
"If you'd like to follow
us into the plant,
- "I'll show you around."
- (laughter)
Tom Waits once said that you
know, maybe there's no devil;
he's just God when he's drunk.
Well if God drinks,
you think that God
gets stoned once in a while?
Look at a platypus, I think so.
(laughter)
(inhales)
You think God's up there going,
"Okay, let's take a beaver.
(laughter)
"Okay, let's put
on a duck's bill.
"Hey, I'm God, what
are you gonna do?
"Okay.
"Okay, he's a mammal,
but he lays eggs.
"Hey, Darwin!
(vocalizing)
- (laughter)
- "There you go!"
Because nature does that,
nature has no rules.
It has no rules at all.
Every time you think there's
a rule for nature it goes,
"No, no." (kissing noise)
"I'm outta here."
(laughter)
If we take the planet
out, if we blow this earth
to death, we're gone,
(ripping noise) nothing.
Nature will go,
(grunts) "I'm back."
(laughter)
It'll keep going, it'll be
new forms, different things.
That's what spring is.
Every spring, every animal
has that look in
their eyes like, "Yeah."
Flowers like Barry White going,
"Oh, baby, give me
your hairy stamen now."
(laughter)
That's why your dog
looks at you like,
"Listen, man, you
got a choice, okay?
"I can either hump your leg or
"leave the house,
it's up to you.
- (laughter)
- "Your choice."
It's a time when your
cat looks at you like,
"Have you ever
seen this before?"
(laughter)
Basically it's that
urge, it's springtime.
It's nature crying
out, "Let's party!"
It's time to go wild and
do the dance of love.
It's time when male birds
do that incredible thing
where they go, "Check
it out, check it out.
"Check it out, I'm
incredible, check it out."
And the female birds are
usually going, "Maybe? Maybe?"
Yes, and we as
human beings, we are
driven by the same
sexual desire.
Men, you know you have a tiny
creature living between your
legs that has no memory and
no conscience, you know that.
- (laughter)
- You know you have no control!
There is no control
over this tiny beast.
You wake up in the
morning, he's been up
five minutes before you're
like, "How you doing?"
(laughter)
No conscious control!
He's there, ya-hah.
"Morning!
Time for jumping jacks."
And whoever you live with,
they look at you like,
who are you thinking about?
(scoffs)
He looks at them with that one
good eye,
"Nobody, I'm on my own.
"Let's play horseshoes,
get a towel,
"put a hat on me,
let's take a chance."
(laughter)
And you may be playing sports,
you may be with other men,
you've just done manly things,
you've played a good game
of football, you've just turned
your friend's face into goo.
You're in the locker room,
you're soaping up going,
"Good game, everybody."
All of a sudden he
rises up and goes
- "Hey, good game, everybody."
- (laughter)
And all your friends are going,
"Yeah, real good game, Bob."
(laughter)
You have no control!
It should be a
separate creature.
You should be able
to take it off,
boom, put him on the ground.
Take him for a walk,
he's got the rollers,
- he'd be like (vocalizing).
- (laughter)
Make it a different beast!
(cheering and applause)
That way...
You'd have some control,
at least some control.
"Heel!"
(snarling)
"Sit!"
(groaning)
You'd have some control of him,
but as it is now, you have none.
No control at all,
women know this.
When you look at it, you can
see the look in their eyes
like, "Well, it's a
ridiculous piece of flesh.
(laughter)
"My God, looks like a snail
wearing a helmet, what is it?"
Or if you're
uncircumcised, looks like
a snake wearing a
sweater, you know that.
It's ridiculous, but the
moment he starts to rise, yeah.
It's a different
case, they get that
look in their eyes like,
"Alien!"
- (vocalizing)
- (laughter)
Strange, why, why is he here,
why are we driven
by this desire?
We have lust!
Lust permeates our
soul sometimes.
Men, we are so
driven by this lust
that we have a violent streak
that comes along with it.
If we can't fuck
it, we'll kill it,
you know what I'm saying?
It's like that.
That's why we make
weapons, a nuclear bomb,
it's basically a
man's way of saying,
"I'm gonna fuck up
the earth, yeah."
A woman would never
make a nuclear weapon,
they would never make
a bomb that kills you.
They'd make a bomb that makes
you feel bad for a while.
(laughter)
See, that'd be a
whole other thing.
That's why there should
be a woman president.
Don't you see?
That's be a wonderful thing!
(cheering and applause)
It'd be an incredible
concept, that.
There would never be any wars,
just every 28 days some
intense negotiations.
(laughter)
That'd be a good thing there!
(applause)
Because you have that release,
as a woman every 28
days you can get crazy!
Your friend comes into town,
I don't think it's
a friend, do you?
How many friends make you
wanna stand on top of the roof
with an automatic weapon
and go, "Get in the house!
- (laughter)
- "Get in the fucking house!"
No, it's not a friend.
That's why men are
going, "Well, maybe not."
- (laughter)
- (cackles)
We're driven, we
are driven by this
desire, by this
strange creature.
Wouldn't it be nice sometimes,
wouldn't it be nice if
you could go into a bar,
buy him a drink once in a while.
There'd be a big bar up here,
a little bar down here for him.
(laughter)
Go into the bar,
yeah, put him out.
He's looking up at
you with that one
good eye like,
"How ya been, baby?
(laughter)
"Sorry about last night,
I guess I got nervous,
"fired off a couple of
warning shots, what the hell.
(laughter)
"But if you didn't
try and strangle me,
"I'd have a better chance,
you know what I'm saying?
"The hell, I can't go
back in there, man,
"that's some scary stuff,
you know what I'm saying?
"I'm not going back without a
wet suit and a mining helmet,
- "I tell you that.
- (laughter)
"You better work on that stuff,
"I'm not going back,
hell no, I won't go...
"Hey, forget what I
said, who's that?
"I'm going down here,
you talk to her,
"down scope."
(imitates mechanical buzzing)
Don't you see?
It'd be the only true
character witness
you could ever have
at a divorce trial.
"Your Honor, I'd
like to bring out
"a character witness right now.
(laughter)
"I believe it has a lot
of bearing on the case."
(whumps)
"Promise to tell the whole
truth, nothing but the truth,
"promise to raise
your right hand?"
"I don't have a right hand,
"but I'll give it
a shot. (whumps)
- "Mr. Phallus.
- (laughter)
"On the night of the 15th,
what do you remember?"
"Well, it was light,
it was dark,
"it was light, it was
dark, it was light.
(laughter)
"Couldn't see very well.
"The hell I'm supposed to do?
"Goddamn it, what the
hell am I supposed to do,
"what do you want
from me, goddamn it?
"I didn't know, he's the
commander, I merely sat
"down here, I held the
testicles, I didn't know why.
"I am not an animal,
I am a sexual organ!"
It is this creature, this lust.
But what compensates for this?
There's also your heart.
Your heart is romance
going, "What about love?
"What about poetry?"
and he's down there
going, "Whatever
works, babe, yeah."
(laughter)
Then above romance,
there's your mind going,
"Ah, I believe
you're both right.
"We must propagate the species,
but we still must have
"conversation afterwards, that's
why I'm looking for a woman
"who gives mind, if
you catch my drift."
(laughter)
That's why we are driven
to meet Miss Right,
- or at least Miss Right Now.
- (laughter)
And you do, and you do the act,
the wonderful act
of making love.
And you're making love,
and you feel like a god,
and the moment
you have an orgasm
you look like goddamn Goofy.
(laughs)
(taunting)
You're going,
"Yes, yes, yes, whoa!
- (laughter)
- "Is this fun or what!
"Oh, whoa, ho ho, wow!"
And if we found somebody
else it'd be even more fun.
Oh, God!
Men can't fake an
orgasm, who wants to look
that dumb, you know
what I'm saying?
(laughter)
It's an incredible thing,
'cause once a man has an orgasm
he's there, as a vulnerable
human being and then...
(snores)
(laughter, cheering
and applause)
At that point women
usually go, "I'm ready."
(laughter)
And he's there like a
little prize fighter going,
"Uncle Charlie, I coulda
been somebody, goddamn it.
- "I'm melting!
- (laughter)
- I'm melting!
- (applause)
It's over, you're through.
Can't even jump-start him.
It's an incredible thing!
You try, you try, that's
when you need sexual therapy.
That's when you need
help from a little,
tiny lady like
Dr. Ruth Westheimer.
- (laughter)
- Yes, Dr. Westheimer.
Here's a woman talking
about oral sex,
and you know she doesn't
even eat pork, warning!
(laughter)
It's a wonderful way
she talks about it,
she talks about the penis
like it's a cooking show.
"First of all, take the man's
penis between your fingers.
- "Knead the bread," no, no.
- (laughter)
No, baby, don't be doing that
with my tiny Johnson, nuh-uh.
Ah baby, I'm saying if
you want sexual help,
you don't want a little
tiny Jewish lady,
you want a large black
lady named Dr. Roof, yeah.
(laughter)
She'll help your ass stand,
'cause she'll be
goddamned honest with you.
You call and say, "Dr. Roof,
I have a small penis,
"does that make a difference?"
She'll go, "Damn straight, baby.
(laughter)
"Mm-mm.
"Honey, you can't
make butter with
"a toothpick, you
know what I'm saying?
- (laughter)
- "Mm-mm.
"Work with it baby, mm-mm.
"Don't be coming at me with
that little thing, mm-mm.
"Dress it up, get some
puppet show stuff.
"Make it sing, make it
dance, this gon' be,
"oh, get that thing
away from me!
"Uh-uh, and men, men
you better learn
"some foreplay, you
know what I'm saying?
"Most men the foreplay is
like 'eh, here I come, ' uh-uh.
"Most men, women you
know what it's like.
"They grab your titties
like they're making bread.
"You know, like they're
trying to push them
"together and make
one good one, uh-uh.
(laughter)
"These are flesh,
baby, that's you.
"Don't let him grab that
stuff, you say you wanna
"make cookies, get in there,
you wanna fuck, stay here.
(laughter)
"Don't be doing this
stuff now, nuh-uh.
"And they do this thing
where they grab your nipples
"real hard and go, 'Ooh,
does that get you hot?'
"Oh yeah.
"Oh, I'm on fire now,
Chief Smoke, yeah.
- "Mr. Vice Grip, Mr. Pliers.
- (laughter)
"And they do this
thing where they start
"grabbing your
nipples and turning
"like they're dialing
a fucking radio.
(laughter)
"What the hell is that?
"What are you dialing,
Radio Free Europe?
"Get your ass out of there.
"Damn, what is this, oh
yeah, I'm cooking now.
"There's the woofer,
there's the tweeter,
"get your ass out of here.
"Next time a man
grabs you like this,
"you grab his little testicles,
'Oh, is that a slinky?'
(laughter)
"I think he'll wise up.
Yes sir!
(whistling and applause)
"He'll learn some goddamn
sensitivity then.
"And if you squeeze, his
little eyes will go, 'wow.'
- (laughter)
- "You'll have his attention,
"he's not gonna fall
asleep on your ass then.
"He starts to nod off, boom,
'I'm back, baby, I'm back.'
"" Cause that's the way
it is, baby, and men,
"don't be afraid of oral sex,
I know most men are going
"" huh, I'm out of there,
uh-uh.'
"I say bring a lunch,
stay for the day, baby.
"And if you can't look at
it, bring a Mr. Potato Head,
"make it look like
somebody you know.
- (laughter)
- "Yeah!
"Make it look like
Sigmund Freud,
your Uncle Murray, anybody!
"Have a good time,
enjoy yourself.
"Have a good time, enough
of this serious stuff
"like men get oh so
serious like, 'Behold!'
"Get that thing out of here.
"Have a good time, and use
some birth control, girls.
"Because you better be
using something, 'cause
"those sperm are coming out of
there at 500 miles an hour.
"And a little piece of rubber's
not gonna stop that, uh-uh.
"It's like putting gauze
in front of a semi
"going, 'Come on through, '
uh-uh.
"A diaphragm is at least good
'cause it's a little tiny
"trampoline for the sperm,
you know what I'm saying?
"Doesn't stop them, but it
amuses their ass for a while.
"They're thinking 'Yo,
hey!' (vocalizing)
"Little tiny Cathy Rigby sperm
doing this stuff (vocalizing).
"That stuff keeps them going,
"makes them wonder
where they are.
"And men, if they're not
gonna use a diaphragm,
"use a prophylactic, you
know what I'm saying?
"Use a prophylactic, and I
know most men are going,
"" I am not gonna wear
a prophylactic,
"" cause it makes my penis look
like a tiny terrorist, uh-uh.'
(laughter)
"No, baby, put it on.
"Even the one, the
little reservoir tip
"makes it look like a Krishna,
I know, like (vocalizing).
(laughter)
"Put it on, baby, wear it.
"And don't get the
ones with ribs,
"if you want ribs, go get
barbecue, don't do that.
- (laughter)
- "Mm-mm.
"Don't get the tickler,
the French tickler one, no,
"that looks like a
damn sea anemone.
"We're not doing
Jacques Cousteau here,
"get that damn thing off.
"Just use some simple
birth control.
"" Cause ladies, the
best birth control
"in the whole world
is simply 'ha-ha-ha!'
(laughter and applause)
"Just laugh at his ass.
"Can't take it.
They can't take that shit.
"Men cannot take laughter at the
mighty sword, you know that.
(laughter)
"That's why it's down here."
But the whole damn
purpose, the whole thing,
the whole reason
you're doing all this
is because one little
sperm gets through,
bang, you've got yourself
something wonderful.
And you're lucky you get
any good sperm at all,
'cause when you're making
love, your testicle's
like a little punching
bag like (sputtering).
(laughter)
It's lucky your semen
don't come out of there
like Leon Spinks going, "I
coulda fought better, Howard.
(laughter)
"I coulda come at him but he
seemed to move away from me."
That's it, one little sperm
gets in there, makes contact,
boom, it's like a
chromosome square dance.
- ♪ 24 chromosomes coming down ♪
- (laughter)
♪ 24 chromosomes
spinning round ♪
♪ Dominant gene
means hair is brown ♪
♪ Bow to your father ♪
♪ Bow to your mother ♪
And you've just
created a tiny creature
that'll eventually quit
college on you, too.
(laughs)
You're off and running,
the wonders of life,
and women know the
moment they get pregnant
'cause there's like a ping,
and they start to glow,
and you expect to see
three wise men show up
at your door and go,
"We saw a star, dude."
(laughter)
They've got this incredible
feeling about them,
and the natural process takes
a slow, slow transition,
and three months later the
wonderful thing happens,
- the titty fairy arrives.
- (laughter)
And in one night, she goes
from zero to Aida, ya!
Thank you, Jesus, thank you.
(vocalizing)
(humming)
Even he's going,
"Who the hell is that?"
"Merry Christmas, thank you.
"Ramming speed."
(drums)
No, and you make one move
towards them, it's like, "No!
"They're for the baby."
(laughter)
"Ha ha ha, come on, he's
only got one mouth,
"let's warm them up, come on."
(laughter)
No,
no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no.
And along with the titty fairy,
something else happens a
couple of months later,
six months, something
amazing happens.
The hormone fairy arrives.
And her moods start to change.
Bullshit, it makes her
period look like nothing.
(laughter)
You'll come home, she'll be
waiting for you in the door
with a large knife going
(laughs maniacally).
- (laughter)
- Honey! Honey!
And the only thing that'll
save your ass is (trumpet fare)
♪ Häagen-Dazs! ♪
(applause)
Thank you.
If you leave it
there at the door,
she'll come out five
feet and go (snarling).
(hisses)
It's over.
And you'll prepare, you'll
prepare for that moment
which you think is every day,
from six months to nine months
every day you'll be
going, "Are you okay?"
And she'll be going,
"I'm fine."
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine."
And you'll know, on that
ninth day of the ninth month,
it'll be time, because
you'll come home
and she'll have the entire
house packed in two small bags.
(laughter)
And she'll have that look
in her eyes like, "Let's go.
"Now."
And if you don't move,
she'll grab your scrotum
and pull it up over your head.
(laughter)
"I think you have to go now.
"Let's go!"
(laughter and applause)
'Cause your little
wife has suddenly
transformed into Ralph Kramden!
"Get it out, Norton!
Get it out!"
Because she is
passing a creature
50 times larger than
the orifice it's
supposed to come out.
(laughter)
It's whoopee time, get, go!
And you're driving
down the freeway, yes!
She's like De Niro
in Mean Streets
screaming out the
window, (yells).
And you think, I've gotta
get her to the hospital,
but I've also gotta get this
screaming bitch out of the car.
(laughter)
Dear God, help me!
(yelling)
Then she'll be very
calm, "I'm fine.
"No I'm not!
Move it!"
You get to the hospital,
you think, okay let's go,
let's go in the hospital,
let's go in the hospital.
You're carrying the
bags, there's usually
one attendant going, "You
must fill out some forms."
"Fuck you, Sabu,
get out of the way.
(laughter and applause)
"No, come on, let's go!"
She's on her gurney, she looks
like a great white whale.
(groans)
"Have you seen
the great white mother?"
"That way!"
You're rolling down
the aisle, whoa!
Attendants are going by going,
"You better do it
real quick now."
Yeah, you're screaming,
they get her in there
to the operating room, which
is a very subtle, sweet place.
Bullshit, it's Earl
Scheib's living room.
(laughter)
Bright, bright lights,
she's screaming like crazy.
You're going like this,
"Let's breathe honey. (pants)
"Let's breathe." (pants)
Because you have this myth that
you're sharing the
birth experience.
- (laughs)
- (laughter)
No.
Bullshit, unless you're passing
a bowling ball,
I don't think so.
(laughter and applause)
No.
No, baby.
Unless you're
circumcising yourself
with a chainsaw,
I don't think so.
(laughter)
Unless you're
opening an umbrella
up your ass, I don't think so.
(laughter)
You're not doing diddly-squat,
you're along for the ride.
(laughs)
And you're there
breathing. (pants)
You're hyperventilating,
she's looking at you like,
"What the fuck are you doing?!
"Why don't you knock
me out, you asshole."
And usually there's
an anesthesiologist
in the corner going,
(inhales) "You need
anything, ma'am?"
(laughter)
She sees him, she wheels
her ass over there,
"Give me that you
dumb stoned prick.
(inhaling, gasping)
"Oh, get it out..."
(laughs)
And after 10, 15 hours
of sheer bliss...
(laughter)
You're rewarded with a baby.
(laughs)
But bullshit, it's not a baby,
it's a little old man
dipped in 40 weight.
(laughter)
Don't you see?
It's like Gandhi and
Churchill had a child,
- you know what I'm saying?
- (laughter)
A little tiny thing there, it's
a little tiny creature like
"I'm looking for the breast,
I'm looking for the breast."
It's a strange creature.
And they handed me my son,
they held him up and I went,
(gasp) "My God, he's
hung like a bear."
(laughter)
"That's the umbilical
cord, Mr. Williams."
- (laughter)
- "Really?
"Don't cut that.
"Let him dream for a while."
And they did, they cut that off.
When they handed him to
me, we made contact.
Father, son, son, father.
He looked me right in the
eye, and pissed all over me.
(laughter)
And I realize, I'm a father now.
And then comes a
very special time.
Your first test as
a father, a diaper.
You're ready, you may be
a lumberjack, you may have
been a Marine, you may
have seen blood and guts,
but you've never
seen caca like this.
(laughter)
It's incredible stuff.
It's part toxic
waste, part Velcro.
(laughter)
First time you peel
back that diaper,
it's like, "Honey,
I've got it, I -
- "This shit is green!
- (laughter)
"This is incredible!
"What do you feed him, algae?
"My god, damn!
"Oh, no.
"He sucks on mama's milk,
what's it do, go to Cleveland
"before it gets to his
asshole, what is this?"
(laughter)
And usually the baby's down
there going, "Yo, yo!"
- (vocalizing)
- (laughter)
While putting it on his face,
got a little tiny Jolson going,
"Mommy, oh I love
you, oh I love you!"
And you're sitting there trying
to wipe it off. (cackles)
You can't, you've
got a little tiny
moist towelette,
no good that is.
It's like handling
radioactive waste
with an oven mitt, no good!
You're there doing all
this, it's all over your,
meanwhile your dog's over
here in the corner going,
"Jesus, man, why don't you
just put his face in it?
(laughter)
"Just do that.
"You wouldn't need
all that stuff."
It's foul, foul stuff.
It's so bad that, five
months later, people go,
(sniffs) "You have
a kid, don't you?"
(laughter)
"Yes. Yes, I do."
And now that you have a child,
you have to clean up your act
'cause you can't drink anymore.
You can't come home
drunk and go, "Hey,
"here's a little switch,
Daddy's gonna throw up on you."
(laughter)
You can't get stoned
because they have
toys that'll mess your head up.
If you're stoned
with a Transformer,
"It's a truck, it's a robot,
it's a, what the fuck is it!"
(laughter)
(yells)
God, God!
And you couldn't do cocaine,
you couldn't do cocaine,
there's a Teddy Ruxpin
doll. "Hi, I'm Teddy Ruxpin."
It's the type of doll you
think that when you fall asleep
the doll wakes up and goes,
"You must kill mommy and daddy."
(laughter)
You don't need drugs
when you have a kid.
You're awake, you're paranoid,
you smell bad, it's
the same thing.
(laughter)
You're like, (laughs maniacally)
"The baby."
I've come home sometimes,
found my wife in the doorway
with a large knife going, "I
think you should talk to him."
You expect to walk in the
nursery and see the kid
five feet over the floor
going, "Come in father."
- (vocalizing)
- (laughter)
"Damien, put the
dog down, Damien."
Because they do horrible
things, little babies.
They go up to the
dog and go, "Doggy, ah!"
(laughter)
you can see the dog look at
him like, (chuckles darkly)
"You'd be dead
if you were a cat.
(laughter)
"But since they love
you." (chuckles)
- (laughter)
- Scary!
And then they do something
wonderful though,
just when you're about
to play hand baby,
they look at you and go,
"Daddy!"
(sighs)
Then he looks at the
dog and goes, "Daddy."
(laughter)
And the dog looks at you,
"I don't have to
send him to college.
- "Yeah, ha ha."
- (laughter)
There's nothing you can do.
My son is three years
old, it's an amazing time.
It's like big head,
little tiny body.
It's an outrageous time when
they ask you about everything,
it's like,
"Why is the sky blue?"
"Well, because of
the atmosphere."
"Why is there atmosphere?"
"Well, because we
need to breathe."
"Why do we breathe?"
"Why the fuck do you wanna know!
(laughter)
"A year ago you were
sitting in your own
"shit and now you're Carl Sagan?
(laughter)
"What is this?
"Who are you!
Are you Buddha?
"Ask mommy, she's omnipotent,
she knows everything."
(laughter)
It's a little tiny
creature, man,
and they imitate
everything you do.
I was driving in traffic someone
cut me off, I went, "Fuck it!"
From behind me in his little
rocket seat a voice
went, "Fuck it!"
(laughter)
All day long he followed me
around the house going,
"Fuck it!
(laughter)
"Fuck it!
"Fuck it!
"Fuck-fuck-fuck-
fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck it!"
Sweet little old lady walked up
and said, "Oh, what
a beautiful child."
"Fuck you!"
- (laughter)
- Oh ho ho.
- It's the Williams' boy.
- (applause)
'Cause don't you see,
children, can't live with them,
can't live with them,
don't you see that?
They've got you!
They've got that
look in your eyes
like, "What are you gonna do?
"I'm a baby, I couldn't exist
in the outside world, ehh."
I see him working on
emotions sometimes,
I peeked around the
corner, there was a mirror,
he was going, (cries out)
"No, no, no, no, no, no.
(laughter)
"Ah!
No, no, no, no, no.
"Ahh!
Yes.
- (laughter)
- "That's the one."
That's the one where the dog's
going, "I'm out of here, pal."
God, it's incredible, and I try
and do sweet things for him.
I try, I say, "I'll take
him to Disneyland,
"that'll be fun, Mickey Mouse
for a three-year-old, yes.
"Mickey Mouse for a three-year-
old, that'll be incredible."
Mickey Mouse to a three-year-
old is a six foot fucking rat.
(laughter)
There's Mickey going,
"Hi little buddy!"
(screaming)
(screaming)
"No!"
And then Goofy came
up, "Uh-huh, uh-huh."
"It's Dad having an orgasm!"
- "No, no, come on.
- (laughter and applause)
"In the car."
There's nothing.
There's nothing you can do.
And if you have children,
I know a couple of you
have children, you must
have a few and you left them
at home tonight, yeah, you
snuck out you lying bastards.
(laughter)
you left them with
a little old lady
you hope doesn't have
a prison record, yeah.
You hope that she
doesn't drink so
when you call and
go, "How's the baby?"
"How's the baby?
Fuck, I don't know.
'Cause as you walked
out of the house
the last thing you
saw was a little face
pressed up against a plate
glass window going...
(laughter)
And you walked to the car going,
"I feel like Doctor Mengele.
"Help me!"
But you know as soon as that
door slammed, the kid turned
to the sitter and went, "Pfft,
old lady, they're outta here.
"Let's peel off these
Pampers and party!
(laughter)
- "You like Fisher Price music?"
- (laughter and applause)
'Cause that's it, you've
gotta work with them.
They've got ya!
They're gonna do to you exactly
what you do to your parents.
They're gonna come up to
you and do the same thing.
I know my son's
gonna do it to me.
16 years from now, he's
gonna walk right up to me,
look me right in the eye and
go, "God, dad, you're fucked."
(laughter)
My father will be standing
right behind him going, "Yes.
(laughter and applause)
"Yes!
(laughs heartily)
"Revenge is mine!"
And you have dreams
about your kid,
you have dreams that maybe
one day your kid will be
up there going, "I'd like
to thank the Nobel Academy."
Then you have this other dream
where your kid's going,
"Do you want fries with this?"
(laughter)
You don't know.
You don't goddamn know, do you?
Because it's a crapshoot,
it's a damn crapshoot.
And now you have to worry,
you have to worry what's
gonna happen with him, what
the world's gonna be like.
You don't even know who the
next president's gonna be.
If you graph the way it's going,
it goes from Jimmy Carter,
pretty benign, aw, bullshit, a
Valium poster child, you know?
Then the next one, Ronald
Reagan, howdy doody senior.
♪ Everybody believe me now ♪
If you keep going benign,
the next president's gonna be
Mr. Rogers, he'll be like,
"Hi, can you say Armageddon?
- "I think it's too late."
- (laughter)
Or if you get macho, the
next president might be
Clint Eastwood, and the
only man in the world
who could run against him
would be Jack Nicholson, yeah.
(applause)
It'd be truly a good debate.
It'd be the shortest debate
in the history of politics.
All Nicholson has to say
is, "How can you debate me,
"you haven't opened your
goddamn eyes in 20 years.
"Bingo, you're gone, baby."
You don't know, you don't
goddamn know what it's gonna be.
Maybe one day Ron wakes up,
(booming, sucking sound effects)
"I thought it was
the alarm clock."
- (laughter)
- No, baby.
Or maybe, maybe it's
gonna be all right,
maybe it will be
a wonderful world,
just like the Epcot center says.
Maybe one day we'll travel
at the speed of light,
they'll have to lose
our luggage beforehand.
- You don't know.
- (applause)
You seriously don't know.
There are times
my son looks at me
and gives me that
look in the eyes like,
"Well?
What's it gonna be?"
"Hey Zak, hey, it's, um...
"I don't know.
"But, maybe along the
way, you take my hand,
"we'll tell a few jokes
and have some fun.
"Hey, how do you get
to the Met?"
- "Money."
- (laughter)
"Yeah.
Come on, pal.
"You're not afraid, are you?"
"Nah.
"Fuck it."
(cheering and applause)
(cheering continues)
Excuse me.
Jesus, thank you.
(cheering, whistling
and applause)
Thank you.
Oh, thank you.
This moves me, I don't know
how much it moves me, but
jeez this is incredible
to be at the Met right now
and the people at the Met are
going, "You ain't coming back.
(laughter)
"I tell you that
right now, you ain't
"coming back after
what you did."
But we did it!
(laughs)
- Jeez.
- (cheering and applause)
Whoa.
This is incredible,
look out here.
I wonder, do they have ballet
teamsters, they're going
"I'm moving the fucking set,
okay, I'm moving the set."
Goddamn, look back over here.
They have some prop-Mr. Hoffa,
five minutes, don't look.
(laughter)
Jesus.
Ha ha ha!
Yes.
(laughter)
Goddamn.
I wonder if they have
people before the opera,
the guys come down,
"Number 42, Pavarotti,
"I'll be singing
Lohengrin, thank you."
(laughter)
Hmm, yes.
Jesus, I feel like walking
away with this like,
"Goddamn, I played the Met, I
don't think I'm coming back,
"but this has been goddamn
incredible for me.
"I wish the people in the
balcony goddamn good luck."
If you remember, isn't there
like an opera rap song
when they go, people
who sing opera rap.
"I'm a rapper kinda
opera kinda thing
"can't you see it then
I feel it, feel it,
"singing' ayee, they kinda
do it in the common,
"don't you die, I say
baby, baby, sit and cry.
"Say Aria, Aria, you're my man,
"if he can't do it, Wagner can.
"Say Wagner, Verdi, Puccini too,
"come on everybody,
do what you can do
"said opera rap, opera rap.
"Looking through the glasses,
looking through the sight,
"see the things that
you do every night.
"Say elephants, goats,
dancing things.
"Soldiers walking and
the people don't sing.
"They say opera rap, opera rap,
"people there moving
in the ballet, too,
"dancing in tights 'cause
they work for you.
"Take it home baby
and I'm out of here."
God bless you New
York, goodnight!
(wild cheering and applause)
God bless you!
Thanks.
(cheering and applause)