Rerun's Comedy Jam (1999) - full transcript
(cartoon character laughing)
(upbeat hip hop music)
- [Announcer] Live from the Top Brass
at the Robert Tree Center.
It's Fred Rerun Berry's Comedy Jam.
Starring Tony Roberts,
Sarah Contreras,
Maleta Apogo,
Janine,
and our host for the evening
Fred Rerun Berry.
(audience applauding)
(hip hop music)
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's happening?
How y'all doing out there?
Get a job, Rodge.
Cool it, Shirley.
Watch it, Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne.
(audience applauding)
Wow. You know what?
It is so wonderful to
be here tonight with you.
We have a excellent group of comedians
here tonight for the Newark Comedy Jam.
We wanna thank you again
so very much for coming out.
How many of you watched
the What's Happening show?
(audience applauding)
How many of you enjoyed
the What's Happening show?
(audience applauding)
Okay.
Anybody got one of my
residual checks in your pocket?
Do I look alright?
I mean, you know.
Do I look good?
In case you don't know,
when I did that What's Happening show,
I weighed 300 pounds
and I was a 54 in the waist.
I have lost 108 pounds
and 18 inches off my waist.
(audience applauding)
- Woo.
And people, when they see me
like in the airport or somewhere,
they're doing these double takes.
Is that Rerun?
And I here these little voices.
"Girl, that ain't him."
"Yeah, that's Rerun."
"That ain't him."
"That's Rerun."
"That ain't him."
"That's Rerun."
Then they come up and walk
right in my face and they say,
"You know, I've been
watching your show for years.
Are you rerun?"
Well if you been watching
my show for years,
you should know I'm Rerun.
(audience applauding)
What's up with that?
Listen up.
We about to bring up
our featured comic tonight.
This young man, I met
him in April of last year
at the Detroit Opera
House in downtown Detroit.
We both appeared together in a play called
Ain't Nothing Like Family.
And when my friend came to me and asked me
who should be headlining this show tonight?
I said, listen, no one other
than Mr. Tony Roberts.
Now listen up.
You've seen him on the Def
Jam or HBO Def Comedy Jam,
BET Comic View,
he was the Robin Harris award winner
for Most Original Comic in 1995.
All the way from Detroit to New York City.
Let's hear it for our star
and headliner tonight.
Mr. Tony Roberts.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Camera man. Camera man. Camera man.
Go ahead camera man, take a shot.
How y'all doing tonight?
Everybody look like they
got jobs, they looking good.
I'm glad I got this gig
'cause I'm broke as hell.
My landlord sent me.
You know you broke when
your landlord get you gigs.
The rent is God damn due.
My landlord mean.
My apartment this big
right here for $800 a month,
right here.
My apartment's so small
my back door and my front
door is on the same hinge.
I stick a key in and stabbed my girlfriend.
I said, "You know you supposed
to duck, you hear me coming."
You know the procedures.
I can't lie.
I can lay in my bed and fry egg.
Everything is right here.
I can get a bigger place.
I got to get a bigger.
From Detroit, man, moved to New York.
New York is unbelievable.
The traffic is Hell.
Whoa. They be bumper to bumper.
I went from Harlem to
Brooklyn, took me a day.
I'm bumper to bumper.
I got so frustrated I put
them (beep) in neutral
and let them push me.
They honking their horn.
Don't honk your horn.
We're going the same way, God dammit.
Just push me.
I'm tired of that frustration, (beep).
And it's cold outside, (beep).
It's been cold in New York, I know that.
And you know, Black people
don't like that cold weather.
White people love cold weather.
You don't see the white weather man?
They love it.
"Now for the weather."
"Oh, it's 10 below zero.
Wind chill factor 36
below, good skiing weather.
More about this at 10:00."
You don't see black weather
man when it's that cold?
"Now for the weather."
"Oh (beep). It's cold as Hell out there."
Look at this (beep)
Don't you take your (beep) outside.
You can't afford it.
You got no AAA, don't go out there.
Do not go out.
Let me write that magic marker.
Don't go outside.
If you're tune in tomorrow I'm
gonna have the same (beep) on
'cause I ain't leaving the building.
"Look at this (beep)."
Black people, we know.
If it's hot, it's too damn hot.
We ain't never satisfied.
When it's cold, it's too damn cold.
We say stupid (beep).
You ever ask somebody a question
and they give you the same
word twice for an answer?
How the weather feel, bro?
"Well, it ain't like cold, cold"
The hell is cold, cold?
The sweater, the jacket, the coat?
What, man, what?
I went down south did a show in Georgia.
I asked a girl what time it was.
She told me it was 10 minutes to 2:30.
I would look at the clock.
I said, "Damn, she's right.
It is 10 minutes to 2:30."
I learn something every day.
People say the wildest (beep).
I'm telling you.
Somebody stole my car in New York.
Living here in New York,
I've been here like a year.
Somebody stole my car already.
My girl, she's spontaneously
just says stupid (beep).
She ain't thinking.
I went in the house mad as hell.
I'm like, "Damn"
She said, "What's wrong, baby?"
I said, "Somebody stole my car."
She said, "Who?"
I said, "They leave a note, God dammit."
"They didn't leave a note."
"If you know these people, we better call."
Like she's in on the (beep).
You just got, man.
And ladies, ladies...
What y'all got the heat on, Hell?
What is this Robert
Trio, The Devil's Hotel?
God damn.
Y'all got the heat on
lava rocks in this (beep).
It's hot as Hell.
Ladies, look good. You gotta look good.
You gotta keep it together.
'Cause when you're ugly,
you can't have another flaw.
When you ugly you can't
have (beep) else wrong with you
'cause of fact you already ugly.
You gotta be able to do
(beep) pretty women can't do
because you already ugly.
You gotta be a do (beep) like cook.
You gotta be able to clean, sew, dance,
draw, ski, skate bowl,
fix cars, bring in planes.
You gotta be able to run fast.
You gotta be able to quantum leap damn near
when you're ugly.
You can't have another (beep) flaw.
When you're ugly, you gotta be able to
throw darts and catch them
before they hit the board.
'Cause the fact you already ugly.
You gotta have skill.
You gotta be able to stop a KKK meeting
as soon you walk in the door.
Soon as they see ugly they go,
"Stop, put the cross out
the out. Put the cross out"
"Whoa, she was ugly as
a (beep), you see that?"
"Take that sheet off, I quit this (beep)."
When you're ugly you
can't have another flaw.
You gotta be able to just
operate, perform, pull a tooth.
You gotta be able to stop the A train
with your house shoes on.
'Cause you ugly as hell
you gotta be able do the impossible.
You gotta be able to play jacks.
Remember jacks?
You can't be on your three-sies.
You gotta be on your 23-sies.
You got the be able to
sweep all those jacks up
and catch the ball.
'Cause the fact you ugly as a (beep).
I don't believe in ugly.
I believe in rough beauty.
You ever seen a girl so ugly
you start doing this (beep)?
You thinking that (beep) on you.
You walk to a mirror, ain't this a (beep).
I feel like I'm being arrested,
all these damn lights.
And I ain't going to
jail for nobody, no baby.
The police in Jersey don't give a (beep).
They pow pow pow pow. Freeze.
(beep) be like, "Like this?"
They don't give you a chance.
Yeah, I'll tell you the truth.
And they think we stupid.
I just got on the highway,
I was rushing here.
Police gonna stop me.
Talking about, "You know you
were going 80 miles an hour?"
I said, "80 miles an hour?"
"An hour? I ain't been
out here for 10 minutes."
"You got the wrong person,
bye" and rolled my window up.
Oh he following me now.
Oh no, he ain't got...
I ain't been out here that long.
(beep) him.
I don't care.
It's just terrible, man.
Ladies looking so good in Jersey.
I think I'm gonna move to Jersey.
'Cause I'm good in bed.
I am the sex machine.
They talking about, "Tony,
Roberts a two minute man."
That's (beep), it never took me that long.
Shoot a minute and a half I'm in and out
'cause I got (beep) to do.
I got (beep) to do.
I'm quick with mine.
I do you first, let me do you.
Now do me. Do me, do do me.
Now turn over, turn over.
Get on top, get on top.
Time. Time. Time.
I got (beep) to do, I got to go.
That's all I got, man I got to go.
I got to go.
I got be out.
I got people want see me.
Two minutes? (beep) that.
A minute and a half an I'm good.
I am good.
I ain't scared to go down on you neither.
I was suck it so hard
your forehead will cave in.
You'll be crying.
I'd say, "Hold still girl, hold still."
I'll blow on it, poof, pop back out.
I said, "We don't need no
hospital, come on over here."
Who love you?
I mentioned the police, man.
I'm telling you jail is not for everybody.
My mama told me don't
go to jail for nobody.
Don't turn yourself in.
Don't get caught up in nothing.
And I take it to my grave, baby.
I ain't gonna jail for nobody.
If I go to jail, look at me.
If I go to jail, look at me.
I will be on the God damn menu.
They would hit me every night.
Just paste my chest to my knee.
Let me walk around just like this.
'Cause ain't nothing I can do.
If I go to jail that morning,
I'm gonna be somebody's (beep) by 2:00.
I need protection.
Kiss my (beep)
I have to protect my (beep).
I'd have to change my
name soon as I get in there.
To try and to scare them off me.
They say, "What's your name, punk?"
"I'm Positive, HIV."
"Who wants to hit this (beep), huh?"
Come on. Come on an get it.
You (beep) me, you won't make parole.
Come on, here it is. Here it is.
I'll cut my wrist and kill
everybody in this (beep).
(coughing noise)
Who wants to hit this?
I ain't gonna jail for nobody.
Try to make more money.
I'm so scared to go to jail.
I tried to sell weed. Tied to sell weed.
I couldn't do it.
You don't make no money.
I bought $500 worth of this (beep).
I flipped every bag, I had $530.
I said, this is (beep).
So I tried to sell crack.
Ooh, God.
Let me tell you something.
You gotta be a mathematician
to sell this (beep).
You gotta be able to
add and subtract real fast
'cause the crack heads come so fast.
Then they want their change.
You're like,
"Give me $5, give me $5,
give me $10, give me $5"
I said, "Man, take this
(beep). I quit. Take it, take it."
"Here, take it."
I'm gonna do me some comedy, go on. Go on.
Take that (beep), I can't handle it.
I try to get people on the
street so much money, man,
'cause I feel sorry.
You can't trust a crack head, oh no.
And crack man...
The idea of carjacking is
to take my car and drive off.
That's the idea of it, at night.
A crack head tried to carjack me
in the middle of a traffic jam.
4:00 in the afternoon, we bumper to bumper.
He come to my car with a gun.
(knocking noise)
I said, "Oh (beep)."
He had two teeth.
He said, "Get out the car."
I said, "Yo."
He said, "Get out the (beep) car."
So I get out the car, let him in the car.
I'm standing right next to my car.
I said, "This is (beep)."
Every now and then we move up.
I said, "Come on, man. Give me my (beep)."
This is bull (beep).
I hate that kind of (beep).
And they'll hustle any kind of money,
any kinda way they can to make some money.
You wouldn't believe it.
I seen a guy with a
big bag of faucet knobs.
He stopped me said,
"Yo bro, you got a sink?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Here, looking
at that, boy. Knobs."
My dumb (beep) trying to find mates.
I'm like this.
All they hell was colds, no hots.
I said, "He ain't got no hots in there?"
I hate that.
Don't hate to go into a public restroom.
You sitting there taking you a nice (beep)
in the public restroom
and they got graffiti all on the walls.
You ain't going no where for 10 minutes,
you might as well read the graffiti.
I read one piece that said,
"If you're reading this
right now you lick balls."
I looked away.
I said, no. No, I don't like no balls.
Oh no.
Went and got my haircut.
I love it. Is it nice?
Looking fashionable.
You better watch out.
Yeah brother,
you ever been sitting in
the barber chair just chilling.
All of a sudden you for the
barber's groins on your elbows.
You go, "Hey, back up."
He's cutting your hair
like this and (beep).
I just hate that kinda (beep).
(audience applauding)
That's beautiful, that is so beautiful.
The last girl I had, we
were together for two years.
Then she gonna tell me,
"I think I want to see other people."
I said, "(beep), you
better look out the window."
I would kill your (beep)
if I see you with anybody.
"'Cause I'm fatal."
I like this club here.
I did a show in Brooklyn.
I keep going to Brooklyn.
Brooklyn scares me.
It scares me.
I talked about a guy, he got so mad.
I ain't know who he was.
He talked about me first.
I talked about my...
When you talk about me
I'm coming in your grill.
I don't care who you are.
I didn't know who this guy was.
I shouldn't have (beep) with him.
He stood up and said,
"I'm kicking your after the
show" and walked away.
My dumb (beep) didn't believe him.
I walk out happy as a (beep).
He smacked the (beep)...
You ever been smacked so hard and itch.
He said, "Clap."
I said, "God damn."
"What you hit me with, man?"
'Cause I ain't no fighter.
You ever been smack so hard
you start another conversation.
Like plow, "So anyway
bro, like I was telling you."
I ain't gonna feed off to this (beep).
Is he coming? Take me
with you, take me with you.
"I hope you got a car 'cause..."
One guy hit me so hard I had to play crazy
so he don't hit me again.
He said, "Bam"
I said, "Riverdance."
I said, "Where he at? Where he at?"
I was like this on their (beep).
I ain't no fighter, man.
That's why I don't go to
clubs with women no more.
I'll go with my boys, posse down.
'Cause women get you killed.
I don't know why y'all coupled up now,
that's some (beep).
And knowing I can't fight.
Girl get in the club with
me, she wander off this way.
I don't know where she at.
She over there with
the rough looking (beep).
I'm like, "Oh (beep)
she gonna get us killed."
She come over, I'm minding my business.
She gonna tap me on the shoulder.
"Tony, come over here.
This guy talking (beep) to me over here."
I said, "Stay your (beep) over here.
You better dance, girl.
Here they come too. You better dance hard."
They gonna come check me.
Talkin' about, "You with her?"
I act like I worked there.
"Uh-uh, I don't know her (beep)."
"Y'all want a drink?"
She gonna get somebody
killed in this (beep).
"What y'all having?"
I'm like the waiter.
I don't care, man.
I ain't going to jail.
'Cause if I kill somebody,
I'm going to jail.
I'm so scared of jail.
I was in court for tickets.
For tickets.
I knew I was going to jail.
I was so nervous I called
the judge Your Highness.
He said, "You understand your allegations
about these tickets Mr. Roberts?"
I said, "Yes, Your Highness."
He said, "What?"
I said, "What?"
I played stupid like somebody
else said that. "What?"
I was so scared.
Little court appointed
attorney gonna tell me,
"It's Your Honor."
I said, "I am honored to
be here, Your Majesty."
Just don't send me
to jail, that's all I ask.
I ain't gonna jail for nobody.
Nobody.
A friend of mine had a gun in the car.
In the car.
Didn't tell me though.
We listening to tapes.
I'm just chilling like, "That's the jam."
He said, "Go and get another tape
out of the glove compartment."
I go in there and see the gun.
Now I'm all messed up.
All my cools just went out the window.
He ran a stop sign.
The police came behind us.
Now I'm about to throw the (beep) up.
I can't go to prison.
My mama said don't go
to jail for nobody, nobody.
All we're gonna get is a ticket.
Now when I'm in that (beep).
I'm scared, I'm thinking about myself.
As soon as the officer
came to the window I said,
"Excuse me officer, the gun ain't mine."
He said, "What gun?"
I said, "The gun right here."
"He brought the gun. I brought the tapes."
Now we in jail and he mad at me.
I said, "So what, punk. I panicked."
Three years ain't (beep.)
We ain't got nothing to do.
Look, he got 10, he ain't crying.
He ain't nuttin' but a hoe.
Life is crazy, man.
You'll be a bum in a minute.
You better keep yourself together.
If you got a good job,
keep yourself a good job.
Keep yourself a good relationship.
It's hard to find a good woman.
They talking about good man.
See men lazy, we're lazy.
We're lazy.
I got a friend asking me,
"Tony, where can I find a girl with a job?"
I said, "At a job, God dammit."
Get the job and meet
her there, you lazy (beep).
"You find her at the job."
A bum gonna try to stop me talking about,
"Well brother man."
Tried to fool me.
Tell me you're a bum,
I'll give you what I got.
What I can afford to give you.
He gonna talk about,
"Brother man, help me with a little change,
help me catch the bus."
I said, "Catch the bus?"
"Where the (beep) do you have to go?
You're here. You going to another store?"
Homeless and hungry,
I don't get that (beep).
If I was homeless, ain't
no way I would be hungry.
All them pigeons walking through the park.
Boy, that is breakfast.
I'll be behind a building with
a bat waiting on one of them.
Coo, coo.
I will beat the hell out of a pigeon.
I love y'all.
The Devil Hotel.
This is the Devil's Hotel.
My name's Tony Roberts, peace and love.
(audience applauding)
- Tony Roberts. Tony Roberts. Tony Roberts.
Thank you so very much,
Tony, again for coming.
- I don't want the rose, I want my check.
- Tony Roberts.
All right, you guys are
enjoying yourself so far?
Yeah. It's a wonderful evening already.
Listen, I have two friends
who visit here every Wednesday night
and they're at the bar, right?
And sometimes they get into this argument.
Well, last Wednesday night
they got into an argument
and one says, "Listen, I have
more courage than you do."
The other guy says, 'Man, shut up."
He says, "Listen, I have
more courage than you do."
The guy says, "Prove it."
He says, "Okay, bartender."
Bartend said, "Yeah?"
"You see that hatchet
on the wall back there?"
He said, "Yeah."
He said, "Bring it over here to the bar."
Bartend takes the hatchet down.
He brings it over to the bar.
He puts his finger on
the bar just like this.
He says, "Bartender, chop my finger off."
Bartender says, "What, you
want me to take this hatchet
and chop your finger off?"
He says, "Yeah, chop it off."
The bartender, womp, chops his finger off.
He don't budge, he
don't flinch, he don't move.
He looks at the other guy
saying, "Now that's courage."
The other guy said,
"Man, that ain't (beep)."
He puts two fingers up on the bar.
He said, "Bartender?"
Bartender said, "Yeah?"
He said, "Chop my fingers off."
Bartender said, "You want me
to chop both your fingers off?"
He says, "Yeah, chop them off."
The bartend, womp,
chops both his fingers off.
He don't budge, he
don't flinch, he don't move.
He looks at the other guy
and says, "Now that's courage."
Just at that time, another guy comes up.
He pushes both of them out the way
and puts his penis up on the bar.
Bartend said, "You want
me to chop your penis off?"
He said, "No, I want you to kiss it."
"It'll get off by itself."
(audience applauding)
- Oh, we going to have
a good night tonight.
Let's have a really nice round of applause
for Maleta Apogo.
(audience applauding)
- Give it up again for Rerun.
Hey now.
Hello there.
No, wait a minute Black people,
I spoke to everyone in the house.
You know you can get loud.
Let's act like you hit the lottery.
Hello there.
(crowd cheering)
Yes, indeed. Yes. Indeed.
As Rerun said, my name is Maleta.
So how's everyone feeling tonight?
Looking good.
Put on your best.
Some of you want your
Sunday best on a Tuesday,
but it's all right.
I'm originally from Philadelphia.
City of brotherly love, broken
bottles, and cheese steaks.
How many of you know about Philly?
All right now.
How many of you had a cheese steak?
How many of y'all
brought one for me tonight?
Put your hands down, you're liars.
Every last one of you.
No, but you know what, honestly, though,
I tell you I moved from Philadelphia
because it was just too much
violence in my community.
Now I'm in New York, a nice safe town.
Hey, that's what Giuliani said.
And I believe him.
Believe all white people.
Take it easy.
No seriously though.
Like I said, but the thing,
it was wasn't the street
violence that ran me away.
It was the domestic violence.
I have to share with
you, we look like family.
Every weekend in my home
there was just too much violence.
Violence, violence.
You know, I was so sick
of looking at my mother
kick my father's every weekend.
Stop it, Ma. Stop the violence.
And men, you know, I gotta bond with men.
I ain't into male bashing.
You know, you hate to admit
to your asses being whooped.
Isn't it true?
Especially by your woman, right?
"No, man, I got this at a basketball game."
"No woman going hit me, I'm a man."
And it was so embarrassing
because my mother would
get him with that one two punch.
You know the one two punch?
The one when she hit
him and he hit the floor?
You know that punch.
And we be out in the
middle of our jacks game,
getting it on and all of a
sudden you hear your mom go,
"Hey y'all, you better
come get your daddy."
"He bleeding all over my kitchen floor
and I ain't having it."
And we had to sit in the emergency room
listening to my father babble all night
with his eyes swollen like a grapefruit.
Talking about, "See, your
mama don't know me, see.
What she did is she
snuck around and hit me.
She didn't come in the front.
Cause if she done hit me,
I'd have hit her like a man."
And that eight years old I'm thinking,
"Yeah, Mr. Punk (beep) jellyfish."
Wish he'd take a karate class or something.
You know what I'm talking about?
Defend yourself.
Work it out, Daddy, work it out.
Issues.
No, but I'm proud to say, talk
to my mother the other day.
She is now reformed.
She's no longer into violence.
Yay mom.
(audience applauding)
Yeah, mom.
She's now into physical fitness.
Like there's a difference.
Have you ever taken aerobics class?
Violent.
She called me the other
day, she's all excited.
She lost two pounds talking about some,
"Maleta, girl, you need to get into shape."
And I said to her, "Mom, I
thought round was a shape."
Correct me if I'm wrong.
Square, round.
But you know, now Black
folk, don't we love our mother?
You love your mother.
Yeah.
So you gotta follow what she says.
So I listened to mom, I
joined Living Well Lady.
You know the fitness center?
The cheap (beep) fitness center.
Don't try and act like you don't know
what I'm talking about, I seen your faces.
But see, one thing I wanna tell you
about the Living Well Lady Center
is that they have two versions.
There's the uptown version
and the downtown version.
Let me tell you a little bit
about the downtown version.
The downtown version
is where all the little thin white women go
to have an aerobics class
instead of a sandwich.
Get the (beep) out of here.
And you know they got the
best of everything downtown.
You know how they keep it downtown.
And I stepped in there,
you know they looked at me
as if I had in interrupted
a Ku Klux Klan rally.
You know that look?
I said, "Excuse me. Look here, look here."
"Look at the body, y'all I belong here."
Now as I said,
you know they got the
state of the art everything,
and I love everything because of that.
But I tell you just one little thing
that kind of annoys me down there.
I gotta share with you 'cause we're family.
It's the skinny women.
Skinny women.
(Maleta growling)
Walking around the gym in
those French cut body suits.
You know the ones?
The ones that cut the cheek just so.
Well those skinny girls
weren't gonna outdo me.
So I went out and I bought me one.
Honey, I stepped up on the Stair Master.
Woo, there it is.
I had to have that
thing surgically removed.
Oh Lord, the French cuts you deep, baby.
I'm working with that broad British cut.
Forget that no pain, no gain concept.
I'm not down with it.
Now, I told you there's an uptown version
of Living Well Lady.
Let me just share that with you,
'cause you're gonna love this.
All of the women uptown look like me.
And we position our
bikes right at the window
so we can make that decision.
Should we go to Kentucky
Fried or should we go to Wendy's?
Kentucky Fried or Wendy's?
Kentucky Fried or Wendy's?
Oh, what the hell is a hot day.
Let's just do Baskin Robbins.
And you know we don't go to exercise.
We go to socialize.
When you walk in that gym
slap that bicycle seat and say,
"Not today, girlfriend, how you been?"
Sometime might go use the
bathroom, you know how it works.
That's what the lifetime membership is for.
Always need a place to pee, don't you?
No, but seriously though,
when you're like me,
and for those of you don't know who I am,
I'm dietarily challenged.
Can you go to Kentucky Fried or Wendy's?
No, but seriously though,
for some reason you
always seem to meet the men
with zero stamped on their forehead.
Like the other day I'm
walking down Broadway.
Man comes up to me no
teeth in the front of his mouth.
Hair all over his head.
One leg shorter than the other.
Name was Buster.
What a name, what a catch.
He comes walking up
to me talking about some,
"Hey, big girl."
He talking about,
"Something with you,
something wrong with me, huh?"
He talking about some,
"I know a lot of guys
don't step to you like I do."
"Get it? Step to you like I do."
He said, "But I gotta look at
you, big mamma and I tell you,
you definitely are my kind of woman."
And I looked at him
with all 32 teeth showing
and those bedroom eyes and I said,
"How do you know I'm a woman?"
He said, "Oh my God, this is New York City,
Let me get my (beep) out of here."
Woo, you better take the
crotch baby, in New York.
Drag queen city.
No, but seriously.
Now y'all know where
voice that is, stop it now.
That's that bill
collector's voice, ain't it?
"Can I speak to Maleta Apogo?"
"She ain't here."
Oh, pretend you don't know?
Put the kids on the phone, I ain't stupid.
"Daddy ain't here."
"Your parents?"
"Nadda dabba doo."
Oh, I'm not the only one,
thanks for connecting.
"Daddy died."
No he...
"We're at the funeral now."
"Ain't that right, Daddy, oh."
All Black folk, work with me.
(audience applauding)
It ain't easy, it ain't easy.
It ain't easy being cheesy,
thank you for applauding.
You know seriously though.
I tell you, people pass judgment on you.
They look at you when
you're dietarily challenged.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
For those who are dietarily challenged.
And they don't know anything about you.
Right away they look at
you say, "They eat too much."
That's the first thing, right?
I ain't (beep) all night.
Did you see me eat anything?
I'm hungry as (beep), don't nobody know it.
I can't get food stamps.
Anyway, no.
And I thought you loved me.
No, but seriously though,
for those of you who don't know it,
I went to the doctor.
And I found out I had a medical condition.
Found out I had an eating disorder.
I just keep eating disorder,
that order, that order.
I saw a plate of food pass by.
Did you see anything?
I thought I saw something, just checking.
♪ The clean up woman ♪
Where's that plate?
♪ Is the woman who ♪
♪ Take all the chicken
wings you leave behind ♪
Anyway, that's my other career.
No, but seriously though.
People, like I said, pass judgment on you.
And you know, women, won't
we do some things for a man?
If we love our man, we do sacrifice.
Isn't that true?
Two years ago, my husband told me,
"Baby, you got to lose
some weight. I can't take it."
So two years ago for the love of the man,
I lost 145 pounds.
Thank you.
(audience applauding)
That's right. I kicked my husband's (beep)
right out the house.
145 got to go.
I'm looking good, feeling thin.
You got a man?
How much he weigh?
Boom, out the door.
Ain't got to deal with that.
I pay the cost to be the boss.
All right, I like the...
You got that look I love.
He's shaking his like a
minister, like I'm in church.
He go, "Mm Hmm"
Thank you so much.
(audience applauding)
- Maleta Apogo. Maleta Apogo.
Wow. Maleta Apogo.
How nice. We're having such fun tonight.
I don't know about you
guys, but I am having a ball.
I'm just sitting over here.
I'm crying over here, they're
making me laugh so much.
But listen all of you have seen me,
or most of you have seen me
on the What's Happening
TV series, am I correct?
Am I correct?
You've seen me in the
What's Happening show.
(audience applauding)
But listen, I was not
always in show business.
I'm also an investment banker.
And I remember one night I
was invited, me and my wife,
that's when I was married.
Me and my wife were
invited to my boss's house
for a dinner party one Saturday night.
So we go and we are having a good time
and I start drinking and I get drunk.
I curse my boss out.
I knock over everything
on the table and he fires me.
Well, the next morning I wake up, I say,
"Dear, did I do anything
crazy at the party last night?"
My wife said, "Did you do anything crazy?"
"You ate everything, you got drunk,
you cursed your boss
out, and he fired you."
I said, "What? He fired me?"
She said, "Yeah, he fired you."
I said, "Oh, screw him."
She said, "I already did.
You go back to work Monday."
(audience applauding)
Let's have a nice round of
applause for Sara Contreras.
(audience applauding)
- I want more love than that, God dammit.
Because I will bring my family in here
and this (beep) place up.
How you doing?
Yes, I'm a Latina.
Where are you, my people?
Everybody in the kitchen
is like, "Represent."
And you know Puerto Ricans are cool
'cause we speak Spanish, we speak English,
and we make up some (beep) along the way.
Have you heard this?
Anybody who's never heard Spanglish.
Okay, I'm gonna tell
you it usually kicks up
when we find out that we
have to work late on payday
and we have plans to go dancing.
We're like, "No, no, no.
Let me tell you something"
"Do I look like I'm a
supervisor, that's a (beep)
over time on payday."
Now, I was raised in a really,
really rough neighborhood
in Brooklyn and it cracks me up
because right now I'm
raising two kids up in Jersey
and their experience is
real different from what I had.
And I have this little eight year old
Latina valley home girl.
She's got this Def Jam
90210 thing going on.
I take her onto the
playground and she's like,
"Dusty jungle gym? Yo,
mother, I don't think so."
I'm like, "Hold up.
You're complaining because
the equipment is dusty dirty?
Let me tell you about
the equipment in Brooklyn
growing up, it was missing."
That gym was vandalized all the time, okay.
It got to the point where
the housing authority
had to put security on it.
Now, you know, you live
in a (beep) neighborhood
when your swings have a Lo Jack.
I mean my kids in the suburbs,
at night they might hear crickets and owls.
When I was a kid, I used to hear,
"Protected by VIPA, step
away from the sandbox."
Thank you.
Yeah, so anyway.
I did, I grew up in a yeah, it
was a rough neighborhood.
But I tell you the one
thing, my mother was tough.
I gotta give it up to like Latin
and African American moms.
They tough as (beep).
My mother was a great role model.
She was the type of
woman that was resourceful.
One day we were walking
home from the A and P,
this is a true story.
We're walking home from
the A and P and this little punk
thinks that he's gonna mug my mother.
I watched her beat
the (beep) outta this kid
with a loaf of Wonder bread.
That's resourceful, okay.
Then she chases after
the kid when he runs away
and she's running after him,
"Mira, I'm gonna tell your mother, (beep).
Because I know her from bingo."
So it was rough, I grew up.
I got outta there okay.
I decided I was gonna go to college
and I was gonna get an education.
My husband and I had this dream
about establishing an all Latino law firm.
That'd be cool, right?
And we were gonna, in the
spirit of affirmative action,
hire one token white partner, right.
And we were gonna hire
my mom to work the office.
This would've been my
mother answering the phone.
She would've been like, "Ah-lo?"
"You have reached the law
offices of Contreras, Contreras,
Quintonita, Lopes, Rodriguez, and Jones.
What happened to you? He hit you?
Oh no, no, mamita. You
don't need an attorney.
You need to kick his (beep).
"Good luck."
That would've been her.
But you know what, I didn't do that.
I decided I was gonna go
into speech therapy, okay.
A little Puerto Rican
teaching people how to talk.
And I went to Brooklyn College.
Which is kind of like a
contradiction in terms.
I went to Brooklyn College
to learn voice and diction.
You do know how they
talk in Brooklyn, right?
I remember the first
day I showed up in class.
I was like, "Is this
voice and diction 101?"
The teacher was like, "(beep) A."
I like this class.
I'm gonna get an A.
And I went into speech therapy.
And I remember that one of the things
I used to find really tickling
was every once in a while
I would have a parent teacher conference
and I would get this mother walking into me
and she would be like, "Oh, excuse me."
"I won't like you to tell me
how I could help my son
'cause he talk so funny."
I was like, "You wanna help him?"
"Learn sign language, mama."
"And don't talk to him anymore
'cause you are the problem."
I'm saying, right?
So I live up in Jersey and
I told you about my kids.
They're a trip.
I moved up here with my husband,
but we're getting a divorce.
Like I said, I'm Puerto Rican
and I married a Dominican.
Now, if anybody knows anything about that,
they're not supposed to mix.
Look she's shaking her head.
I don't know why it is,
but we not supposed to.
But you know what the thing was,
back then I took a lot of flack for it.
But see, we met each other's needs.
I needed five grand,
he needed a green card.
Worked for me.
Hey, I'll never forget.
That (beep) was romantic too.
The judge was like,
oh he was there with us.
He was like, "Repeat after me."
"Do you Sara vow to live with this man
for two years to establish residency?"
"I do."
He was like, "You may not kiss the bride."
I'm like, "(beep) that.
Pay the bride, Papa."
I'm only kidding.
Actually, I'm getting a divorce.
It didn't work out.
I am getting a divorce and
we're having this big beef now,
me and my husband, my ex.
Because see, I wanna teach
my son that sex is love, okay.
And he's real macho.
So we kind of disagree on
how we're teaching our son.
I will sit my boy down and I'm like,
"Papa, good sex, it starts here."
And he's like, "Yeah,
that's what daddy said.
Daddy said, I'm right
handed go for her left titty first."
Parenting in the 90s.
And lately this (beep) with Clinton.
Okay.
He came home the other day,
"Ma, according to the President."
I was like, "According
to the president, what?"
He's like,
"As long as she's going down
on me, I'm not having sex."
I was like Papa, in this
house if your (beep) is out
and you are not washing
or peeing, you're having sex.
Don't try that (beep) with me, uh-uh.
So I started dating
again, which is a total trip.
I don't know ladies, has
this ever happened to you?
You meet a guy at the club first date out.
You're sitting at the table
and you're trying to make conversation.
And you're like, "Oh my God,
he's (beep) so ugly. Woo."
"Damn, woo, what up with those teeth?"
"Was I thinking, dammit
what was I drinking?"
I hate that (beep).
They stand in the shadows at the club,
don't let you see how damn ugly they are.
I hate that.
See, and I won't stay.
You know I won't stay.
And fellas, I'm gonna tell you something.
You ugly ones know who you are.
'Cause you got away with this all the time.
This how you know we don't like you.
'Cause when we're walking into the club
and we like you, you'll see that (beep).
Especially if she's Latina.
She's gonna use that special word
that lets you know she likes you.
She walking into the restaurant.
"Damn, I hope he's as
fine as I remember him."
"Hey, how you doing? Boo."
"Hi Boo."
Then we get real stupid, "Let's go, Boo."
'Cause we're happy he's cute.
But if we don't like you, you
ain't getting a Boo out of us.
We're like,
"Damn, I hope he's as
fine as I remember him."
"Damn. Woo."
How you doing, you?
Listen, I gotta go
'cause I left my mother watching the kids.
Oh I didn't tell you I had kids?
I got like five of them, okay.
I got five of them (beep), okay.
And three of them are in Special Ed.
Why? 'Cause I did crack
when I was pregnant.
Oh, I didn't tell you I was a crack head?
"Where you going, baby?"
So pay attention.
Thank you.
(audience applauding)
Thank you.
I tell you one thing,
something very interesting
happened to me recently
and I gotta share this
'cause I think we all
want to be family here.
I was walking with my boyfriend.
I started dating someone
recently and the sister,
'cause he's African American,
I heard her and she was like,
"I hate when white women take our men."
And I said, "Oh, I'm
sorry Ma, I'm with that.
I'm definitely with that but I'm not white,
see I'm Puerto Rican so
I got some African in me.
Three, four, five times a week now."
Woo.
Let's clear that (beep) up right now.
My boo-boo is good to me too.
He's trying to hook me up.
He's good to me, let me tell you.
I remember the first
time we made love, woo.
He just rocked my world.
Next morning he's like with an attitude.
I was like, "Baby, what's wrong?"
He's like, "Yo, when
you with me, you with me.
I don't give a (beep)
who this Papi Chulo cat is,
You don't bring his name up in my bed."
I'm like, "Yo Papa, that's
you. You my Papi Chulo."
Have anybody ever been
with a Spanish woman?
Aye, Papi. Aye, Papi Chulo.
(speaking Spanish)
He'd never heard that.
And he was trying to hook me up.
Trying to buy me some Victoria's Secret.
See, the secret is,
is that it's not made for
little Puerto Rican women.
He bought me a teddie,
the crotch was down to here.
He bought me some thongs,
the waistband was up to here.
I told him to get me a pair
of them long hoochie boots.
They came up to here.
I looked like I was going bass fishing.
Then I went out with
this young cat recently.
Let me see, there was a guy here.
Right there in the red shirt.
Look at him right there.
Look at that face.
I got set up on a blind date with a...
I'm up there in the years, you know.
And they set me up with a little...
Look at you, don't turn away.
You right there. Look at his face.
My age and him.
Does that face not scream, "Teach me."
Can you picture me in
bed with that boy right there.
You I'm not cool with that,
just like, 'cause you're young.
I'm on all fours and he's
like, "What's my name?"
"What's my name, Mrs. Contreras?"
"Junior, I will (beep)
you up, you hit me again."
I went out with this guy recently.
I gotta tell you about this
one last date before I go.
I went out on a day recently with this cat.
I'm not gonna tell you what he was
'cause I'm politically correct.
I'm gonna let you figure it out.
He's like, "You know, I really like you."
"I would really love to meet your family."
I was like,
"That's cool, 'cause I got
a brother out on the island."
So I took him out to Rikers
Island Correctional Facility.
That's where my brother lives.
You know, anybody ever drive out there?
Oh my God, right?
You take that bus ride out there
with all them people that go...
Don't they look like they just escaped
and they're going back for their (beep)?
I hate that.
So see, I don't like going out there.
And I got this idea.
I got this plan for
developing greeting cards
just for the convicted.
Yo, there's money to be made here, Papa.
Okay, see I'd rather be on a blind date
with big old daddy here.
It's about 25 good
years good loving, right?
My idea is you walk into the stores
and the sections will be clearly marked.
It will be like birthday, anniversary,
Passover, lockdown.
And you know when you're
looking for the right card,
you get real sentimental.
You'll be like, "Oh, look."
Convicted but not forgotten. Aww.
"That's so sweet."
And you could have like a
special invitation card made up.
It would be like,
"Mr. and Mrs. Santiago
are pleased to announce
the parole of their son Ray Ray.
Reception to follow at the McDonald's
on 179th and Grand Concourse.
No hoodies, no knives,
"we'd like Ray Ray to
make parole this time."
And this one would have to be
the most popular card in
the series, the most popular.
And you know how sometimes
when you pop open a card
it has like a little tune?
This one would have a voice.
And this is how the car would sound.
It would be like, "To my Boo in lockdown."
From my pen to the state
pen. I'm thinking of you, Boo.
Your gangster style. Your go-to smile.
I know you miss my fufu.
But 12 years is a long
time for me to remain true.
So I'll be kicking it
with your brother, Mike
"but I'll be thinking of you."
That's my time.
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen.
(audience applauding)
- Sara Contreras. Sara Contreras.
Listen, I haven't had a
chance to dance tonight.
What's up with that?
Y'all know everywhere I got to dance.
Ain't that right?
Ain't that right?
Y'all don't wanna see me dance, do you?
Y'all don't wanna see me dance, do you?
Make some noise.
Do we have any music or do
we have to make our own music?
We gotta make our own music?
Give me the claps, y'all.
Come on, get a beat, come on.
(audience clapping)
Yeah, come on now.
- [Audience Members] Go ahead, go ahead.
Thank you so very, very much.
Hey did y'all notice that
I've lost a few pounds?
Yeah, I've lost 108 pounds
and 18 inches on my waist.
People look at me and
they do a double take.
They come to me and say,
"Rerun, what happened,
how'd you lose the weight?
Was it Slim Fast?"
Well, I tried slim fast.
"Was it Opti Fast?"
I tried Opti Fast.
"Was it Oprah Winfrey?"
I even tried Oprah Winfrey.
I tried the grapefruit pill.
Remember the grapefruit pill
that's supposed to melt
the fat in your stomach?
I even tried Sleep-Away.
Lose weight while you sleep for $19.95.
Y'all know what I lost while I slept?
$19.95.
Okay, this is a young lady
by the name of Janine Rose.
She has performed in comedy clubs
throughout New York and New Jersey.
Including the New York Comedy
Club, Boston Comedy Club,
and recently seen at Newark's Comedy Relief
all-women's show.
Let's have a warm round of applause
for none other than Janine Rose.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I hope you guys don't mind
if I make myself comfortable.
Do you mind if I make myself?
Okay, hold on one second.
Well, I kind of brought
something from home, you know.
It's kind of like a security blanket.
Something to make me comfortable.
Something that I feel that, excuse me,
that I feel that every woman
should have in her repertoire.
Give me a moment, I will...
A set of steel balls.
Now I know generally, you know a man,
you see a woman with
some balls in her hand.
You check in, initially.
But I don't want you to feel uncomfortable
because I have balls too, okay.
Exactly don't feel bad because I have...
Women, I've got the balls.
So I went out with this short, fat,
bald-headed garbage man.
You know, everything was cool.
We were go getting along very well.
We went to the best
restaurants you can imagine.
I gained like 10 pounds with this guy.
But that came to a screeching halt too.
One night after making love he reached over
into the little refrigerator he
kept on the side of the bed,
I had to made into a
nice one, it was really nice,
and he pulled out a Twinky.
And when I saw the way
he ate the cream filling
outta that Twinky I knew it was over.
There's no way you're
gonna have mad skills like that
and be holding out on me.
He's outta here, he's out.
So I went out with this weight lifter.
Again, another tall man
with a body like a God.
And that was beautiful.
But he was holding back on me emotionally.
You know what I mean, women?
Why did they hold back on us emotionally?
And I'm surprised, you know,
because when I met him he was in the gym
and weight lifters can
be very emotional people.
I see him, he's working out.
He's over here.
I gotta show you what I'm talking about.
You understand what I'm saying when I say
weightlifters are very emotional?
Here we go.
(Janine screaming)
Later on that night with his girlfriend.
(soft squeaking noises)
I don't get it. I don't get it.
You ever talk to a Christian person
and catch them in their
un-Christian like mood?
You call their house and
their kid answers the phone
and you hear them in
the background cussing.
"Now God dammit, you little (beep)
getting on my damn nerves.
Who the hell is that on the phone?"
"It's sister Janine."
(throat clearing)
"Praise the Lord?"
Thank you.
(audience applauding)
- All right, let's hear it for Janine Rose.
Can we have all of the
comedians that came up tonight
come on up, please.
All of the comedians.
Let's hear it again for all
of our Newark Comedy Jam
comedians tonight.
Tony Roberts, Janine Rose,
Sara Contreras, and Maleta Apogo.
(upbeat hip hop music)
(upbeat hip hop music)
- [Announcer] Live from the Top Brass
at the Robert Tree Center.
It's Fred Rerun Berry's Comedy Jam.
Starring Tony Roberts,
Sarah Contreras,
Maleta Apogo,
Janine,
and our host for the evening
Fred Rerun Berry.
(audience applauding)
(hip hop music)
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What's happening?
How y'all doing out there?
Get a job, Rodge.
Cool it, Shirley.
Watch it, Dwayne, Dwayne, Dwayne.
(audience applauding)
Wow. You know what?
It is so wonderful to
be here tonight with you.
We have a excellent group of comedians
here tonight for the Newark Comedy Jam.
We wanna thank you again
so very much for coming out.
How many of you watched
the What's Happening show?
(audience applauding)
How many of you enjoyed
the What's Happening show?
(audience applauding)
Okay.
Anybody got one of my
residual checks in your pocket?
Do I look alright?
I mean, you know.
Do I look good?
In case you don't know,
when I did that What's Happening show,
I weighed 300 pounds
and I was a 54 in the waist.
I have lost 108 pounds
and 18 inches off my waist.
(audience applauding)
- Woo.
And people, when they see me
like in the airport or somewhere,
they're doing these double takes.
Is that Rerun?
And I here these little voices.
"Girl, that ain't him."
"Yeah, that's Rerun."
"That ain't him."
"That's Rerun."
"That ain't him."
"That's Rerun."
Then they come up and walk
right in my face and they say,
"You know, I've been
watching your show for years.
Are you rerun?"
Well if you been watching
my show for years,
you should know I'm Rerun.
(audience applauding)
What's up with that?
Listen up.
We about to bring up
our featured comic tonight.
This young man, I met
him in April of last year
at the Detroit Opera
House in downtown Detroit.
We both appeared together in a play called
Ain't Nothing Like Family.
And when my friend came to me and asked me
who should be headlining this show tonight?
I said, listen, no one other
than Mr. Tony Roberts.
Now listen up.
You've seen him on the Def
Jam or HBO Def Comedy Jam,
BET Comic View,
he was the Robin Harris award winner
for Most Original Comic in 1995.
All the way from Detroit to New York City.
Let's hear it for our star
and headliner tonight.
Mr. Tony Roberts.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Camera man. Camera man. Camera man.
Go ahead camera man, take a shot.
How y'all doing tonight?
Everybody look like they
got jobs, they looking good.
I'm glad I got this gig
'cause I'm broke as hell.
My landlord sent me.
You know you broke when
your landlord get you gigs.
The rent is God damn due.
My landlord mean.
My apartment this big
right here for $800 a month,
right here.
My apartment's so small
my back door and my front
door is on the same hinge.
I stick a key in and stabbed my girlfriend.
I said, "You know you supposed
to duck, you hear me coming."
You know the procedures.
I can't lie.
I can lay in my bed and fry egg.
Everything is right here.
I can get a bigger place.
I got to get a bigger.
From Detroit, man, moved to New York.
New York is unbelievable.
The traffic is Hell.
Whoa. They be bumper to bumper.
I went from Harlem to
Brooklyn, took me a day.
I'm bumper to bumper.
I got so frustrated I put
them (beep) in neutral
and let them push me.
They honking their horn.
Don't honk your horn.
We're going the same way, God dammit.
Just push me.
I'm tired of that frustration, (beep).
And it's cold outside, (beep).
It's been cold in New York, I know that.
And you know, Black people
don't like that cold weather.
White people love cold weather.
You don't see the white weather man?
They love it.
"Now for the weather."
"Oh, it's 10 below zero.
Wind chill factor 36
below, good skiing weather.
More about this at 10:00."
You don't see black weather
man when it's that cold?
"Now for the weather."
"Oh (beep). It's cold as Hell out there."
Look at this (beep)
Don't you take your (beep) outside.
You can't afford it.
You got no AAA, don't go out there.
Do not go out.
Let me write that magic marker.
Don't go outside.
If you're tune in tomorrow I'm
gonna have the same (beep) on
'cause I ain't leaving the building.
"Look at this (beep)."
Black people, we know.
If it's hot, it's too damn hot.
We ain't never satisfied.
When it's cold, it's too damn cold.
We say stupid (beep).
You ever ask somebody a question
and they give you the same
word twice for an answer?
How the weather feel, bro?
"Well, it ain't like cold, cold"
The hell is cold, cold?
The sweater, the jacket, the coat?
What, man, what?
I went down south did a show in Georgia.
I asked a girl what time it was.
She told me it was 10 minutes to 2:30.
I would look at the clock.
I said, "Damn, she's right.
It is 10 minutes to 2:30."
I learn something every day.
People say the wildest (beep).
I'm telling you.
Somebody stole my car in New York.
Living here in New York,
I've been here like a year.
Somebody stole my car already.
My girl, she's spontaneously
just says stupid (beep).
She ain't thinking.
I went in the house mad as hell.
I'm like, "Damn"
She said, "What's wrong, baby?"
I said, "Somebody stole my car."
She said, "Who?"
I said, "They leave a note, God dammit."
"They didn't leave a note."
"If you know these people, we better call."
Like she's in on the (beep).
You just got, man.
And ladies, ladies...
What y'all got the heat on, Hell?
What is this Robert
Trio, The Devil's Hotel?
God damn.
Y'all got the heat on
lava rocks in this (beep).
It's hot as Hell.
Ladies, look good. You gotta look good.
You gotta keep it together.
'Cause when you're ugly,
you can't have another flaw.
When you ugly you can't
have (beep) else wrong with you
'cause of fact you already ugly.
You gotta be able to do
(beep) pretty women can't do
because you already ugly.
You gotta be a do (beep) like cook.
You gotta be able to clean, sew, dance,
draw, ski, skate bowl,
fix cars, bring in planes.
You gotta be able to run fast.
You gotta be able to quantum leap damn near
when you're ugly.
You can't have another (beep) flaw.
When you're ugly, you gotta be able to
throw darts and catch them
before they hit the board.
'Cause the fact you already ugly.
You gotta have skill.
You gotta be able to stop a KKK meeting
as soon you walk in the door.
Soon as they see ugly they go,
"Stop, put the cross out
the out. Put the cross out"
"Whoa, she was ugly as
a (beep), you see that?"
"Take that sheet off, I quit this (beep)."
When you're ugly you
can't have another flaw.
You gotta be able to just
operate, perform, pull a tooth.
You gotta be able to stop the A train
with your house shoes on.
'Cause you ugly as hell
you gotta be able do the impossible.
You gotta be able to play jacks.
Remember jacks?
You can't be on your three-sies.
You gotta be on your 23-sies.
You got the be able to
sweep all those jacks up
and catch the ball.
'Cause the fact you ugly as a (beep).
I don't believe in ugly.
I believe in rough beauty.
You ever seen a girl so ugly
you start doing this (beep)?
You thinking that (beep) on you.
You walk to a mirror, ain't this a (beep).
I feel like I'm being arrested,
all these damn lights.
And I ain't going to
jail for nobody, no baby.
The police in Jersey don't give a (beep).
They pow pow pow pow. Freeze.
(beep) be like, "Like this?"
They don't give you a chance.
Yeah, I'll tell you the truth.
And they think we stupid.
I just got on the highway,
I was rushing here.
Police gonna stop me.
Talking about, "You know you
were going 80 miles an hour?"
I said, "80 miles an hour?"
"An hour? I ain't been
out here for 10 minutes."
"You got the wrong person,
bye" and rolled my window up.
Oh he following me now.
Oh no, he ain't got...
I ain't been out here that long.
(beep) him.
I don't care.
It's just terrible, man.
Ladies looking so good in Jersey.
I think I'm gonna move to Jersey.
'Cause I'm good in bed.
I am the sex machine.
They talking about, "Tony,
Roberts a two minute man."
That's (beep), it never took me that long.
Shoot a minute and a half I'm in and out
'cause I got (beep) to do.
I got (beep) to do.
I'm quick with mine.
I do you first, let me do you.
Now do me. Do me, do do me.
Now turn over, turn over.
Get on top, get on top.
Time. Time. Time.
I got (beep) to do, I got to go.
That's all I got, man I got to go.
I got to go.
I got be out.
I got people want see me.
Two minutes? (beep) that.
A minute and a half an I'm good.
I am good.
I ain't scared to go down on you neither.
I was suck it so hard
your forehead will cave in.
You'll be crying.
I'd say, "Hold still girl, hold still."
I'll blow on it, poof, pop back out.
I said, "We don't need no
hospital, come on over here."
Who love you?
I mentioned the police, man.
I'm telling you jail is not for everybody.
My mama told me don't
go to jail for nobody.
Don't turn yourself in.
Don't get caught up in nothing.
And I take it to my grave, baby.
I ain't gonna jail for nobody.
If I go to jail, look at me.
If I go to jail, look at me.
I will be on the God damn menu.
They would hit me every night.
Just paste my chest to my knee.
Let me walk around just like this.
'Cause ain't nothing I can do.
If I go to jail that morning,
I'm gonna be somebody's (beep) by 2:00.
I need protection.
Kiss my (beep)
I have to protect my (beep).
I'd have to change my
name soon as I get in there.
To try and to scare them off me.
They say, "What's your name, punk?"
"I'm Positive, HIV."
"Who wants to hit this (beep), huh?"
Come on. Come on an get it.
You (beep) me, you won't make parole.
Come on, here it is. Here it is.
I'll cut my wrist and kill
everybody in this (beep).
(coughing noise)
Who wants to hit this?
I ain't gonna jail for nobody.
Try to make more money.
I'm so scared to go to jail.
I tried to sell weed. Tied to sell weed.
I couldn't do it.
You don't make no money.
I bought $500 worth of this (beep).
I flipped every bag, I had $530.
I said, this is (beep).
So I tried to sell crack.
Ooh, God.
Let me tell you something.
You gotta be a mathematician
to sell this (beep).
You gotta be able to
add and subtract real fast
'cause the crack heads come so fast.
Then they want their change.
You're like,
"Give me $5, give me $5,
give me $10, give me $5"
I said, "Man, take this
(beep). I quit. Take it, take it."
"Here, take it."
I'm gonna do me some comedy, go on. Go on.
Take that (beep), I can't handle it.
I try to get people on the
street so much money, man,
'cause I feel sorry.
You can't trust a crack head, oh no.
And crack man...
The idea of carjacking is
to take my car and drive off.
That's the idea of it, at night.
A crack head tried to carjack me
in the middle of a traffic jam.
4:00 in the afternoon, we bumper to bumper.
He come to my car with a gun.
(knocking noise)
I said, "Oh (beep)."
He had two teeth.
He said, "Get out the car."
I said, "Yo."
He said, "Get out the (beep) car."
So I get out the car, let him in the car.
I'm standing right next to my car.
I said, "This is (beep)."
Every now and then we move up.
I said, "Come on, man. Give me my (beep)."
This is bull (beep).
I hate that kind of (beep).
And they'll hustle any kind of money,
any kinda way they can to make some money.
You wouldn't believe it.
I seen a guy with a
big bag of faucet knobs.
He stopped me said,
"Yo bro, you got a sink?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Here, looking
at that, boy. Knobs."
My dumb (beep) trying to find mates.
I'm like this.
All they hell was colds, no hots.
I said, "He ain't got no hots in there?"
I hate that.
Don't hate to go into a public restroom.
You sitting there taking you a nice (beep)
in the public restroom
and they got graffiti all on the walls.
You ain't going no where for 10 minutes,
you might as well read the graffiti.
I read one piece that said,
"If you're reading this
right now you lick balls."
I looked away.
I said, no. No, I don't like no balls.
Oh no.
Went and got my haircut.
I love it. Is it nice?
Looking fashionable.
You better watch out.
Yeah brother,
you ever been sitting in
the barber chair just chilling.
All of a sudden you for the
barber's groins on your elbows.
You go, "Hey, back up."
He's cutting your hair
like this and (beep).
I just hate that kinda (beep).
(audience applauding)
That's beautiful, that is so beautiful.
The last girl I had, we
were together for two years.
Then she gonna tell me,
"I think I want to see other people."
I said, "(beep), you
better look out the window."
I would kill your (beep)
if I see you with anybody.
"'Cause I'm fatal."
I like this club here.
I did a show in Brooklyn.
I keep going to Brooklyn.
Brooklyn scares me.
It scares me.
I talked about a guy, he got so mad.
I ain't know who he was.
He talked about me first.
I talked about my...
When you talk about me
I'm coming in your grill.
I don't care who you are.
I didn't know who this guy was.
I shouldn't have (beep) with him.
He stood up and said,
"I'm kicking your after the
show" and walked away.
My dumb (beep) didn't believe him.
I walk out happy as a (beep).
He smacked the (beep)...
You ever been smacked so hard and itch.
He said, "Clap."
I said, "God damn."
"What you hit me with, man?"
'Cause I ain't no fighter.
You ever been smack so hard
you start another conversation.
Like plow, "So anyway
bro, like I was telling you."
I ain't gonna feed off to this (beep).
Is he coming? Take me
with you, take me with you.
"I hope you got a car 'cause..."
One guy hit me so hard I had to play crazy
so he don't hit me again.
He said, "Bam"
I said, "Riverdance."
I said, "Where he at? Where he at?"
I was like this on their (beep).
I ain't no fighter, man.
That's why I don't go to
clubs with women no more.
I'll go with my boys, posse down.
'Cause women get you killed.
I don't know why y'all coupled up now,
that's some (beep).
And knowing I can't fight.
Girl get in the club with
me, she wander off this way.
I don't know where she at.
She over there with
the rough looking (beep).
I'm like, "Oh (beep)
she gonna get us killed."
She come over, I'm minding my business.
She gonna tap me on the shoulder.
"Tony, come over here.
This guy talking (beep) to me over here."
I said, "Stay your (beep) over here.
You better dance, girl.
Here they come too. You better dance hard."
They gonna come check me.
Talkin' about, "You with her?"
I act like I worked there.
"Uh-uh, I don't know her (beep)."
"Y'all want a drink?"
She gonna get somebody
killed in this (beep).
"What y'all having?"
I'm like the waiter.
I don't care, man.
I ain't going to jail.
'Cause if I kill somebody,
I'm going to jail.
I'm so scared of jail.
I was in court for tickets.
For tickets.
I knew I was going to jail.
I was so nervous I called
the judge Your Highness.
He said, "You understand your allegations
about these tickets Mr. Roberts?"
I said, "Yes, Your Highness."
He said, "What?"
I said, "What?"
I played stupid like somebody
else said that. "What?"
I was so scared.
Little court appointed
attorney gonna tell me,
"It's Your Honor."
I said, "I am honored to
be here, Your Majesty."
Just don't send me
to jail, that's all I ask.
I ain't gonna jail for nobody.
Nobody.
A friend of mine had a gun in the car.
In the car.
Didn't tell me though.
We listening to tapes.
I'm just chilling like, "That's the jam."
He said, "Go and get another tape
out of the glove compartment."
I go in there and see the gun.
Now I'm all messed up.
All my cools just went out the window.
He ran a stop sign.
The police came behind us.
Now I'm about to throw the (beep) up.
I can't go to prison.
My mama said don't go
to jail for nobody, nobody.
All we're gonna get is a ticket.
Now when I'm in that (beep).
I'm scared, I'm thinking about myself.
As soon as the officer
came to the window I said,
"Excuse me officer, the gun ain't mine."
He said, "What gun?"
I said, "The gun right here."
"He brought the gun. I brought the tapes."
Now we in jail and he mad at me.
I said, "So what, punk. I panicked."
Three years ain't (beep.)
We ain't got nothing to do.
Look, he got 10, he ain't crying.
He ain't nuttin' but a hoe.
Life is crazy, man.
You'll be a bum in a minute.
You better keep yourself together.
If you got a good job,
keep yourself a good job.
Keep yourself a good relationship.
It's hard to find a good woman.
They talking about good man.
See men lazy, we're lazy.
We're lazy.
I got a friend asking me,
"Tony, where can I find a girl with a job?"
I said, "At a job, God dammit."
Get the job and meet
her there, you lazy (beep).
"You find her at the job."
A bum gonna try to stop me talking about,
"Well brother man."
Tried to fool me.
Tell me you're a bum,
I'll give you what I got.
What I can afford to give you.
He gonna talk about,
"Brother man, help me with a little change,
help me catch the bus."
I said, "Catch the bus?"
"Where the (beep) do you have to go?
You're here. You going to another store?"
Homeless and hungry,
I don't get that (beep).
If I was homeless, ain't
no way I would be hungry.
All them pigeons walking through the park.
Boy, that is breakfast.
I'll be behind a building with
a bat waiting on one of them.
Coo, coo.
I will beat the hell out of a pigeon.
I love y'all.
The Devil Hotel.
This is the Devil's Hotel.
My name's Tony Roberts, peace and love.
(audience applauding)
- Tony Roberts. Tony Roberts. Tony Roberts.
Thank you so very much,
Tony, again for coming.
- I don't want the rose, I want my check.
- Tony Roberts.
All right, you guys are
enjoying yourself so far?
Yeah. It's a wonderful evening already.
Listen, I have two friends
who visit here every Wednesday night
and they're at the bar, right?
And sometimes they get into this argument.
Well, last Wednesday night
they got into an argument
and one says, "Listen, I have
more courage than you do."
The other guy says, 'Man, shut up."
He says, "Listen, I have
more courage than you do."
The guy says, "Prove it."
He says, "Okay, bartender."
Bartend said, "Yeah?"
"You see that hatchet
on the wall back there?"
He said, "Yeah."
He said, "Bring it over here to the bar."
Bartend takes the hatchet down.
He brings it over to the bar.
He puts his finger on
the bar just like this.
He says, "Bartender, chop my finger off."
Bartender says, "What, you
want me to take this hatchet
and chop your finger off?"
He says, "Yeah, chop it off."
The bartender, womp, chops his finger off.
He don't budge, he
don't flinch, he don't move.
He looks at the other guy
saying, "Now that's courage."
The other guy said,
"Man, that ain't (beep)."
He puts two fingers up on the bar.
He said, "Bartender?"
Bartender said, "Yeah?"
He said, "Chop my fingers off."
Bartender said, "You want me
to chop both your fingers off?"
He says, "Yeah, chop them off."
The bartend, womp,
chops both his fingers off.
He don't budge, he
don't flinch, he don't move.
He looks at the other guy
and says, "Now that's courage."
Just at that time, another guy comes up.
He pushes both of them out the way
and puts his penis up on the bar.
Bartend said, "You want
me to chop your penis off?"
He said, "No, I want you to kiss it."
"It'll get off by itself."
(audience applauding)
- Oh, we going to have
a good night tonight.
Let's have a really nice round of applause
for Maleta Apogo.
(audience applauding)
- Give it up again for Rerun.
Hey now.
Hello there.
No, wait a minute Black people,
I spoke to everyone in the house.
You know you can get loud.
Let's act like you hit the lottery.
Hello there.
(crowd cheering)
Yes, indeed. Yes. Indeed.
As Rerun said, my name is Maleta.
So how's everyone feeling tonight?
Looking good.
Put on your best.
Some of you want your
Sunday best on a Tuesday,
but it's all right.
I'm originally from Philadelphia.
City of brotherly love, broken
bottles, and cheese steaks.
How many of you know about Philly?
All right now.
How many of you had a cheese steak?
How many of y'all
brought one for me tonight?
Put your hands down, you're liars.
Every last one of you.
No, but you know what, honestly, though,
I tell you I moved from Philadelphia
because it was just too much
violence in my community.
Now I'm in New York, a nice safe town.
Hey, that's what Giuliani said.
And I believe him.
Believe all white people.
Take it easy.
No seriously though.
Like I said, but the thing,
it was wasn't the street
violence that ran me away.
It was the domestic violence.
I have to share with
you, we look like family.
Every weekend in my home
there was just too much violence.
Violence, violence.
You know, I was so sick
of looking at my mother
kick my father's every weekend.
Stop it, Ma. Stop the violence.
And men, you know, I gotta bond with men.
I ain't into male bashing.
You know, you hate to admit
to your asses being whooped.
Isn't it true?
Especially by your woman, right?
"No, man, I got this at a basketball game."
"No woman going hit me, I'm a man."
And it was so embarrassing
because my mother would
get him with that one two punch.
You know the one two punch?
The one when she hit
him and he hit the floor?
You know that punch.
And we be out in the
middle of our jacks game,
getting it on and all of a
sudden you hear your mom go,
"Hey y'all, you better
come get your daddy."
"He bleeding all over my kitchen floor
and I ain't having it."
And we had to sit in the emergency room
listening to my father babble all night
with his eyes swollen like a grapefruit.
Talking about, "See, your
mama don't know me, see.
What she did is she
snuck around and hit me.
She didn't come in the front.
Cause if she done hit me,
I'd have hit her like a man."
And that eight years old I'm thinking,
"Yeah, Mr. Punk (beep) jellyfish."
Wish he'd take a karate class or something.
You know what I'm talking about?
Defend yourself.
Work it out, Daddy, work it out.
Issues.
No, but I'm proud to say, talk
to my mother the other day.
She is now reformed.
She's no longer into violence.
Yay mom.
(audience applauding)
Yeah, mom.
She's now into physical fitness.
Like there's a difference.
Have you ever taken aerobics class?
Violent.
She called me the other
day, she's all excited.
She lost two pounds talking about some,
"Maleta, girl, you need to get into shape."
And I said to her, "Mom, I
thought round was a shape."
Correct me if I'm wrong.
Square, round.
But you know, now Black
folk, don't we love our mother?
You love your mother.
Yeah.
So you gotta follow what she says.
So I listened to mom, I
joined Living Well Lady.
You know the fitness center?
The cheap (beep) fitness center.
Don't try and act like you don't know
what I'm talking about, I seen your faces.
But see, one thing I wanna tell you
about the Living Well Lady Center
is that they have two versions.
There's the uptown version
and the downtown version.
Let me tell you a little bit
about the downtown version.
The downtown version
is where all the little thin white women go
to have an aerobics class
instead of a sandwich.
Get the (beep) out of here.
And you know they got the
best of everything downtown.
You know how they keep it downtown.
And I stepped in there,
you know they looked at me
as if I had in interrupted
a Ku Klux Klan rally.
You know that look?
I said, "Excuse me. Look here, look here."
"Look at the body, y'all I belong here."
Now as I said,
you know they got the
state of the art everything,
and I love everything because of that.
But I tell you just one little thing
that kind of annoys me down there.
I gotta share with you 'cause we're family.
It's the skinny women.
Skinny women.
(Maleta growling)
Walking around the gym in
those French cut body suits.
You know the ones?
The ones that cut the cheek just so.
Well those skinny girls
weren't gonna outdo me.
So I went out and I bought me one.
Honey, I stepped up on the Stair Master.
Woo, there it is.
I had to have that
thing surgically removed.
Oh Lord, the French cuts you deep, baby.
I'm working with that broad British cut.
Forget that no pain, no gain concept.
I'm not down with it.
Now, I told you there's an uptown version
of Living Well Lady.
Let me just share that with you,
'cause you're gonna love this.
All of the women uptown look like me.
And we position our
bikes right at the window
so we can make that decision.
Should we go to Kentucky
Fried or should we go to Wendy's?
Kentucky Fried or Wendy's?
Kentucky Fried or Wendy's?
Oh, what the hell is a hot day.
Let's just do Baskin Robbins.
And you know we don't go to exercise.
We go to socialize.
When you walk in that gym
slap that bicycle seat and say,
"Not today, girlfriend, how you been?"
Sometime might go use the
bathroom, you know how it works.
That's what the lifetime membership is for.
Always need a place to pee, don't you?
No, but seriously though,
when you're like me,
and for those of you don't know who I am,
I'm dietarily challenged.
Can you go to Kentucky Fried or Wendy's?
No, but seriously though,
for some reason you
always seem to meet the men
with zero stamped on their forehead.
Like the other day I'm
walking down Broadway.
Man comes up to me no
teeth in the front of his mouth.
Hair all over his head.
One leg shorter than the other.
Name was Buster.
What a name, what a catch.
He comes walking up
to me talking about some,
"Hey, big girl."
He talking about,
"Something with you,
something wrong with me, huh?"
He talking about some,
"I know a lot of guys
don't step to you like I do."
"Get it? Step to you like I do."
He said, "But I gotta look at
you, big mamma and I tell you,
you definitely are my kind of woman."
And I looked at him
with all 32 teeth showing
and those bedroom eyes and I said,
"How do you know I'm a woman?"
He said, "Oh my God, this is New York City,
Let me get my (beep) out of here."
Woo, you better take the
crotch baby, in New York.
Drag queen city.
No, but seriously.
Now y'all know where
voice that is, stop it now.
That's that bill
collector's voice, ain't it?
"Can I speak to Maleta Apogo?"
"She ain't here."
Oh, pretend you don't know?
Put the kids on the phone, I ain't stupid.
"Daddy ain't here."
"Your parents?"
"Nadda dabba doo."
Oh, I'm not the only one,
thanks for connecting.
"Daddy died."
No he...
"We're at the funeral now."
"Ain't that right, Daddy, oh."
All Black folk, work with me.
(audience applauding)
It ain't easy, it ain't easy.
It ain't easy being cheesy,
thank you for applauding.
You know seriously though.
I tell you, people pass judgment on you.
They look at you when
you're dietarily challenged.
You know what I'm talking about, right?
For those who are dietarily challenged.
And they don't know anything about you.
Right away they look at
you say, "They eat too much."
That's the first thing, right?
I ain't (beep) all night.
Did you see me eat anything?
I'm hungry as (beep), don't nobody know it.
I can't get food stamps.
Anyway, no.
And I thought you loved me.
No, but seriously though,
for those of you who don't know it,
I went to the doctor.
And I found out I had a medical condition.
Found out I had an eating disorder.
I just keep eating disorder,
that order, that order.
I saw a plate of food pass by.
Did you see anything?
I thought I saw something, just checking.
♪ The clean up woman ♪
Where's that plate?
♪ Is the woman who ♪
♪ Take all the chicken
wings you leave behind ♪
Anyway, that's my other career.
No, but seriously though.
People, like I said, pass judgment on you.
And you know, women, won't
we do some things for a man?
If we love our man, we do sacrifice.
Isn't that true?
Two years ago, my husband told me,
"Baby, you got to lose
some weight. I can't take it."
So two years ago for the love of the man,
I lost 145 pounds.
Thank you.
(audience applauding)
That's right. I kicked my husband's (beep)
right out the house.
145 got to go.
I'm looking good, feeling thin.
You got a man?
How much he weigh?
Boom, out the door.
Ain't got to deal with that.
I pay the cost to be the boss.
All right, I like the...
You got that look I love.
He's shaking his like a
minister, like I'm in church.
He go, "Mm Hmm"
Thank you so much.
(audience applauding)
- Maleta Apogo. Maleta Apogo.
Wow. Maleta Apogo.
How nice. We're having such fun tonight.
I don't know about you
guys, but I am having a ball.
I'm just sitting over here.
I'm crying over here, they're
making me laugh so much.
But listen all of you have seen me,
or most of you have seen me
on the What's Happening
TV series, am I correct?
Am I correct?
You've seen me in the
What's Happening show.
(audience applauding)
But listen, I was not
always in show business.
I'm also an investment banker.
And I remember one night I
was invited, me and my wife,
that's when I was married.
Me and my wife were
invited to my boss's house
for a dinner party one Saturday night.
So we go and we are having a good time
and I start drinking and I get drunk.
I curse my boss out.
I knock over everything
on the table and he fires me.
Well, the next morning I wake up, I say,
"Dear, did I do anything
crazy at the party last night?"
My wife said, "Did you do anything crazy?"
"You ate everything, you got drunk,
you cursed your boss
out, and he fired you."
I said, "What? He fired me?"
She said, "Yeah, he fired you."
I said, "Oh, screw him."
She said, "I already did.
You go back to work Monday."
(audience applauding)
Let's have a nice round of
applause for Sara Contreras.
(audience applauding)
- I want more love than that, God dammit.
Because I will bring my family in here
and this (beep) place up.
How you doing?
Yes, I'm a Latina.
Where are you, my people?
Everybody in the kitchen
is like, "Represent."
And you know Puerto Ricans are cool
'cause we speak Spanish, we speak English,
and we make up some (beep) along the way.
Have you heard this?
Anybody who's never heard Spanglish.
Okay, I'm gonna tell
you it usually kicks up
when we find out that we
have to work late on payday
and we have plans to go dancing.
We're like, "No, no, no.
Let me tell you something"
"Do I look like I'm a
supervisor, that's a (beep)
over time on payday."
Now, I was raised in a really,
really rough neighborhood
in Brooklyn and it cracks me up
because right now I'm
raising two kids up in Jersey
and their experience is
real different from what I had.
And I have this little eight year old
Latina valley home girl.
She's got this Def Jam
90210 thing going on.
I take her onto the
playground and she's like,
"Dusty jungle gym? Yo,
mother, I don't think so."
I'm like, "Hold up.
You're complaining because
the equipment is dusty dirty?
Let me tell you about
the equipment in Brooklyn
growing up, it was missing."
That gym was vandalized all the time, okay.
It got to the point where
the housing authority
had to put security on it.
Now, you know, you live
in a (beep) neighborhood
when your swings have a Lo Jack.
I mean my kids in the suburbs,
at night they might hear crickets and owls.
When I was a kid, I used to hear,
"Protected by VIPA, step
away from the sandbox."
Thank you.
Yeah, so anyway.
I did, I grew up in a yeah, it
was a rough neighborhood.
But I tell you the one
thing, my mother was tough.
I gotta give it up to like Latin
and African American moms.
They tough as (beep).
My mother was a great role model.
She was the type of
woman that was resourceful.
One day we were walking
home from the A and P,
this is a true story.
We're walking home from
the A and P and this little punk
thinks that he's gonna mug my mother.
I watched her beat
the (beep) outta this kid
with a loaf of Wonder bread.
That's resourceful, okay.
Then she chases after
the kid when he runs away
and she's running after him,
"Mira, I'm gonna tell your mother, (beep).
Because I know her from bingo."
So it was rough, I grew up.
I got outta there okay.
I decided I was gonna go to college
and I was gonna get an education.
My husband and I had this dream
about establishing an all Latino law firm.
That'd be cool, right?
And we were gonna, in the
spirit of affirmative action,
hire one token white partner, right.
And we were gonna hire
my mom to work the office.
This would've been my
mother answering the phone.
She would've been like, "Ah-lo?"
"You have reached the law
offices of Contreras, Contreras,
Quintonita, Lopes, Rodriguez, and Jones.
What happened to you? He hit you?
Oh no, no, mamita. You
don't need an attorney.
You need to kick his (beep).
"Good luck."
That would've been her.
But you know what, I didn't do that.
I decided I was gonna go
into speech therapy, okay.
A little Puerto Rican
teaching people how to talk.
And I went to Brooklyn College.
Which is kind of like a
contradiction in terms.
I went to Brooklyn College
to learn voice and diction.
You do know how they
talk in Brooklyn, right?
I remember the first
day I showed up in class.
I was like, "Is this
voice and diction 101?"
The teacher was like, "(beep) A."
I like this class.
I'm gonna get an A.
And I went into speech therapy.
And I remember that one of the things
I used to find really tickling
was every once in a while
I would have a parent teacher conference
and I would get this mother walking into me
and she would be like, "Oh, excuse me."
"I won't like you to tell me
how I could help my son
'cause he talk so funny."
I was like, "You wanna help him?"
"Learn sign language, mama."
"And don't talk to him anymore
'cause you are the problem."
I'm saying, right?
So I live up in Jersey and
I told you about my kids.
They're a trip.
I moved up here with my husband,
but we're getting a divorce.
Like I said, I'm Puerto Rican
and I married a Dominican.
Now, if anybody knows anything about that,
they're not supposed to mix.
Look she's shaking her head.
I don't know why it is,
but we not supposed to.
But you know what the thing was,
back then I took a lot of flack for it.
But see, we met each other's needs.
I needed five grand,
he needed a green card.
Worked for me.
Hey, I'll never forget.
That (beep) was romantic too.
The judge was like,
oh he was there with us.
He was like, "Repeat after me."
"Do you Sara vow to live with this man
for two years to establish residency?"
"I do."
He was like, "You may not kiss the bride."
I'm like, "(beep) that.
Pay the bride, Papa."
I'm only kidding.
Actually, I'm getting a divorce.
It didn't work out.
I am getting a divorce and
we're having this big beef now,
me and my husband, my ex.
Because see, I wanna teach
my son that sex is love, okay.
And he's real macho.
So we kind of disagree on
how we're teaching our son.
I will sit my boy down and I'm like,
"Papa, good sex, it starts here."
And he's like, "Yeah,
that's what daddy said.
Daddy said, I'm right
handed go for her left titty first."
Parenting in the 90s.
And lately this (beep) with Clinton.
Okay.
He came home the other day,
"Ma, according to the President."
I was like, "According
to the president, what?"
He's like,
"As long as she's going down
on me, I'm not having sex."
I was like Papa, in this
house if your (beep) is out
and you are not washing
or peeing, you're having sex.
Don't try that (beep) with me, uh-uh.
So I started dating
again, which is a total trip.
I don't know ladies, has
this ever happened to you?
You meet a guy at the club first date out.
You're sitting at the table
and you're trying to make conversation.
And you're like, "Oh my God,
he's (beep) so ugly. Woo."
"Damn, woo, what up with those teeth?"
"Was I thinking, dammit
what was I drinking?"
I hate that (beep).
They stand in the shadows at the club,
don't let you see how damn ugly they are.
I hate that.
See, and I won't stay.
You know I won't stay.
And fellas, I'm gonna tell you something.
You ugly ones know who you are.
'Cause you got away with this all the time.
This how you know we don't like you.
'Cause when we're walking into the club
and we like you, you'll see that (beep).
Especially if she's Latina.
She's gonna use that special word
that lets you know she likes you.
She walking into the restaurant.
"Damn, I hope he's as
fine as I remember him."
"Hey, how you doing? Boo."
"Hi Boo."
Then we get real stupid, "Let's go, Boo."
'Cause we're happy he's cute.
But if we don't like you, you
ain't getting a Boo out of us.
We're like,
"Damn, I hope he's as
fine as I remember him."
"Damn. Woo."
How you doing, you?
Listen, I gotta go
'cause I left my mother watching the kids.
Oh I didn't tell you I had kids?
I got like five of them, okay.
I got five of them (beep), okay.
And three of them are in Special Ed.
Why? 'Cause I did crack
when I was pregnant.
Oh, I didn't tell you I was a crack head?
"Where you going, baby?"
So pay attention.
Thank you.
(audience applauding)
Thank you.
I tell you one thing,
something very interesting
happened to me recently
and I gotta share this
'cause I think we all
want to be family here.
I was walking with my boyfriend.
I started dating someone
recently and the sister,
'cause he's African American,
I heard her and she was like,
"I hate when white women take our men."
And I said, "Oh, I'm
sorry Ma, I'm with that.
I'm definitely with that but I'm not white,
see I'm Puerto Rican so
I got some African in me.
Three, four, five times a week now."
Woo.
Let's clear that (beep) up right now.
My boo-boo is good to me too.
He's trying to hook me up.
He's good to me, let me tell you.
I remember the first
time we made love, woo.
He just rocked my world.
Next morning he's like with an attitude.
I was like, "Baby, what's wrong?"
He's like, "Yo, when
you with me, you with me.
I don't give a (beep)
who this Papi Chulo cat is,
You don't bring his name up in my bed."
I'm like, "Yo Papa, that's
you. You my Papi Chulo."
Have anybody ever been
with a Spanish woman?
Aye, Papi. Aye, Papi Chulo.
(speaking Spanish)
He'd never heard that.
And he was trying to hook me up.
Trying to buy me some Victoria's Secret.
See, the secret is,
is that it's not made for
little Puerto Rican women.
He bought me a teddie,
the crotch was down to here.
He bought me some thongs,
the waistband was up to here.
I told him to get me a pair
of them long hoochie boots.
They came up to here.
I looked like I was going bass fishing.
Then I went out with
this young cat recently.
Let me see, there was a guy here.
Right there in the red shirt.
Look at him right there.
Look at that face.
I got set up on a blind date with a...
I'm up there in the years, you know.
And they set me up with a little...
Look at you, don't turn away.
You right there. Look at his face.
My age and him.
Does that face not scream, "Teach me."
Can you picture me in
bed with that boy right there.
You I'm not cool with that,
just like, 'cause you're young.
I'm on all fours and he's
like, "What's my name?"
"What's my name, Mrs. Contreras?"
"Junior, I will (beep)
you up, you hit me again."
I went out with this guy recently.
I gotta tell you about this
one last date before I go.
I went out on a day recently with this cat.
I'm not gonna tell you what he was
'cause I'm politically correct.
I'm gonna let you figure it out.
He's like, "You know, I really like you."
"I would really love to meet your family."
I was like,
"That's cool, 'cause I got
a brother out on the island."
So I took him out to Rikers
Island Correctional Facility.
That's where my brother lives.
You know, anybody ever drive out there?
Oh my God, right?
You take that bus ride out there
with all them people that go...
Don't they look like they just escaped
and they're going back for their (beep)?
I hate that.
So see, I don't like going out there.
And I got this idea.
I got this plan for
developing greeting cards
just for the convicted.
Yo, there's money to be made here, Papa.
Okay, see I'd rather be on a blind date
with big old daddy here.
It's about 25 good
years good loving, right?
My idea is you walk into the stores
and the sections will be clearly marked.
It will be like birthday, anniversary,
Passover, lockdown.
And you know when you're
looking for the right card,
you get real sentimental.
You'll be like, "Oh, look."
Convicted but not forgotten. Aww.
"That's so sweet."
And you could have like a
special invitation card made up.
It would be like,
"Mr. and Mrs. Santiago
are pleased to announce
the parole of their son Ray Ray.
Reception to follow at the McDonald's
on 179th and Grand Concourse.
No hoodies, no knives,
"we'd like Ray Ray to
make parole this time."
And this one would have to be
the most popular card in
the series, the most popular.
And you know how sometimes
when you pop open a card
it has like a little tune?
This one would have a voice.
And this is how the car would sound.
It would be like, "To my Boo in lockdown."
From my pen to the state
pen. I'm thinking of you, Boo.
Your gangster style. Your go-to smile.
I know you miss my fufu.
But 12 years is a long
time for me to remain true.
So I'll be kicking it
with your brother, Mike
"but I'll be thinking of you."
That's my time.
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen.
(audience applauding)
- Sara Contreras. Sara Contreras.
Listen, I haven't had a
chance to dance tonight.
What's up with that?
Y'all know everywhere I got to dance.
Ain't that right?
Ain't that right?
Y'all don't wanna see me dance, do you?
Y'all don't wanna see me dance, do you?
Make some noise.
Do we have any music or do
we have to make our own music?
We gotta make our own music?
Give me the claps, y'all.
Come on, get a beat, come on.
(audience clapping)
Yeah, come on now.
- [Audience Members] Go ahead, go ahead.
Thank you so very, very much.
Hey did y'all notice that
I've lost a few pounds?
Yeah, I've lost 108 pounds
and 18 inches on my waist.
People look at me and
they do a double take.
They come to me and say,
"Rerun, what happened,
how'd you lose the weight?
Was it Slim Fast?"
Well, I tried slim fast.
"Was it Opti Fast?"
I tried Opti Fast.
"Was it Oprah Winfrey?"
I even tried Oprah Winfrey.
I tried the grapefruit pill.
Remember the grapefruit pill
that's supposed to melt
the fat in your stomach?
I even tried Sleep-Away.
Lose weight while you sleep for $19.95.
Y'all know what I lost while I slept?
$19.95.
Okay, this is a young lady
by the name of Janine Rose.
She has performed in comedy clubs
throughout New York and New Jersey.
Including the New York Comedy
Club, Boston Comedy Club,
and recently seen at Newark's Comedy Relief
all-women's show.
Let's have a warm round of applause
for none other than Janine Rose.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I hope you guys don't mind
if I make myself comfortable.
Do you mind if I make myself?
Okay, hold on one second.
Well, I kind of brought
something from home, you know.
It's kind of like a security blanket.
Something to make me comfortable.
Something that I feel that, excuse me,
that I feel that every woman
should have in her repertoire.
Give me a moment, I will...
A set of steel balls.
Now I know generally, you know a man,
you see a woman with
some balls in her hand.
You check in, initially.
But I don't want you to feel uncomfortable
because I have balls too, okay.
Exactly don't feel bad because I have...
Women, I've got the balls.
So I went out with this short, fat,
bald-headed garbage man.
You know, everything was cool.
We were go getting along very well.
We went to the best
restaurants you can imagine.
I gained like 10 pounds with this guy.
But that came to a screeching halt too.
One night after making love he reached over
into the little refrigerator he
kept on the side of the bed,
I had to made into a
nice one, it was really nice,
and he pulled out a Twinky.
And when I saw the way
he ate the cream filling
outta that Twinky I knew it was over.
There's no way you're
gonna have mad skills like that
and be holding out on me.
He's outta here, he's out.
So I went out with this weight lifter.
Again, another tall man
with a body like a God.
And that was beautiful.
But he was holding back on me emotionally.
You know what I mean, women?
Why did they hold back on us emotionally?
And I'm surprised, you know,
because when I met him he was in the gym
and weight lifters can
be very emotional people.
I see him, he's working out.
He's over here.
I gotta show you what I'm talking about.
You understand what I'm saying when I say
weightlifters are very emotional?
Here we go.
(Janine screaming)
Later on that night with his girlfriend.
(soft squeaking noises)
I don't get it. I don't get it.
You ever talk to a Christian person
and catch them in their
un-Christian like mood?
You call their house and
their kid answers the phone
and you hear them in
the background cussing.
"Now God dammit, you little (beep)
getting on my damn nerves.
Who the hell is that on the phone?"
"It's sister Janine."
(throat clearing)
"Praise the Lord?"
Thank you.
(audience applauding)
- All right, let's hear it for Janine Rose.
Can we have all of the
comedians that came up tonight
come on up, please.
All of the comedians.
Let's hear it again for all
of our Newark Comedy Jam
comedians tonight.
Tony Roberts, Janine Rose,
Sara Contreras, and Maleta Apogo.
(upbeat hip hop music)