Rent-a-Kid (1995) - full transcript

MAN: Now remember, kids.

It's not every couple
that's willing to adopt
three brothers and sisters.

So I expect you to behave.

Catch my drift?

Brandon, Kyle, Molly,

welcome to your new home.
Come on.

[GASPS]

MRS. NICELY: Molly,
this is your room.

Go ahead, open the door.

Wow!

There's more, honey, come along.



MOLLY: Oh, boy!

[GASPS]

[GASPS]

Hi!

[TRAIN HORN BLOWING]

Children,

we have only one rule
in our home.

And that rule is...

Keep out of this room.

Do not open this door
no matter what.

Do you all understand?

That's fine.

Now, go have fun.

[MOLLY GIGGLES]



[MOLLY LAUGHING]

MOLLY: Thank you.

What do you think's in there?

Bodies,

of the adopted children
that came before us.

It's probably just their
office or something.

Come on.

KYLE: Molly?

KYLE: Molly!

What are you doing?
Get away from there.

It's unlocked!

You just couldn't
keep walking, could you?

MR. NICELY: You had
to break the rule!

You had to ruin a good thing.

You just couldn't behave.

It's all your fault.

-MRS. NICELY: It's all
your fault.
-KYLE: It's all your fault.

-MRS. NICELY: It's all
your fault.
-BRANDON: It's all your fault.

ALL: It's all your fault.

ALL: It's all your fault.

It's all my fault.

It's all my fault.

It's all my fault.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

It's my fault.

It's okay, Molly, wake up.

You're having a nightmare.

Come on, let's go.

We're gonna miss breakfast.

CLIFF: The important thing is,
Mr. and Mrs. Lachman

is that we at Mid-Valley know
that you would provide

a loving and caring home
for any of our children.

Well, thank you,

but we would like a little more
time to discuss this.

Oh sure, absolutely.
And listen, feel free to visit

as many times
as you'd like, okay.

I mean, this is not a decision
that should be rushed.

Mr. Haber!

Hey, Molly!

You remember Mr.
and Mrs. Lachman, don't you?

MR. LACHMAN: Hi, Molly

It's nice
to see you again, Molly.

Thank you, it's very nice
to see you again, too.

Also.

Mr. Haber,
Kyle found another frog!

He's gonna operate.

What? Well, where did he
get the knife?

I left specific orders,
no knives.

Um, you'll have
to excuse me, okay.

Listen, feel free to call me

if you have any questions
at all, okay.

I'll be here
right through Thanksgiving.

Kids. [LAUGHS]

Uh, than you Mr. Haber, we will.

CLIFF: Yeah.

[FROG CROAKING]

Mr. Brown, I'm confident

that you can expect
a full recovery.

Where is he?

Right there.

Kyle! Kyle! Kyle!

Oh, my God!

[STAMMERING] Give me the knife.

It's not a knife,
it's a scalpel.

It's not a scalpel,
it's a sharpened spoon.

Now hand it over.

Head's up!

What are we going to do
with you three? Huh?

I mean, how many times
do we have to have these talks?

I mean, don't you want
to be adopted?

Well then, why don't you behave
in a manner

that prospective parents
will find appealing?

Yes, Kyle.

For Thanksgiving, can we have
the smooth cranberry sauce

instead of the lumpy?

Sometimes they leave the stems
in the lumpy kind.

Those are grasshopper legs.

They leave them in there
to preserve the freshness.

That's just the kind of behavior
I'm talking about, Brandon.

Listen, Kyle,

when you perform surgery
on live animals,

it kind of makes grownups feel
a little uneasy, okay?

And Molly, when I'm...

Where did you get this one?

I found him by the dumpster.

And he had no collar.

She took it off, and she didn't
find him by the dumpster.

She pulled him
out of a Mercedes.

After she killed the driver.

MOLLY: Did not, you liar!

-Can I keep him?
-[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, hang on, he just walked out
of his meeting.

TRACY: David Miller.

Oh, here. Listen,

take the wards back to their
room and see if you can get

Molly to give you
the dog collar, okay?

-What dog?
-The dog.

If you can get
the collar from her,

call the owners of the dog up

and tell them
where they can find their dog.

David, hey pal,

how are you doing?
How're they biting?

Three footer?

Yeah, any witnesses?

What, are you kidding me?

Thanksgiving in Florida,
that sounds wonderful.

Oh, wait a minute. I can't.

I got nobody here
to watch the kids.

No, you know,
they've all gone out to visit

cousins and sisters
and stuff. I'm stuck.

My father?

[FAKE LAUGH]

MRS. OLSEN: It's a little
uncomfortable.

HARRY: I couldn't agree
with you more, Mrs. Olsen.

Although you would be surprised
to hear how many of my customers

find that chair
a little uncomfortable.

This one is good.

That's the Weisman Padded 2000.
Well built, well balanced,

hard cushion
to stimulate the buttocks.

Personally, I will not sit
in anything else myself.

It's a dollar twelve a day,
including tax.

A dollar twelve?

How do you make
any money at this?

That's the beauty
of renting, Mrs. Olsen.

You take this
6 dollar Clear-Thru XKI,

I rent this
for twenty six cents a day.

I rent each one of these
200 days out of the year.

Now in terms of annual profit,
that's... plenty,

I don't have to tell you.

But the beauty of this is,

you haven't bought something

that you can't bring back
if you don't like it.

200 times a year?

Hand washed by my staff.

Brought to your doorstep.

Sterile as molten steel.

Well, you've certainly given
the rental business

a great deal of thought.

I've devoted my life
to the subject.

So you want me to take care
of your children's home

for the next ten days.

Now, is that what
you're asking?

Oh, Dad, you'd be doing me
a great favor.

-Hey, and listen...
-Yeah.

You could bring Mr. Twixel
here because the kids love dogs.

How long would you need me for?

Ten days, Dad.
You just said it, ten.

Actually, that'll take me
through, uh...

And including
Thanksgiving Thursday.

You remember Mrs. Pierce,
don't you?

She makes a great spread for the
kids. I mean, lots of turkey.

Yeah. Is that real turkey?
The full bird?

-Of course, it's the full bird.
-[DOOR OPENS]

We got any more
table lamps in blue?

Nope, all gone.

Hold on.

Here.

And don't forget
to charge for the bulb.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Are we gonna just sit here
in the dark, Dad?

It's holiday time,
all my lamps are rented.

[MUMBLING] Hold on.

-There.
-[GROANS]

Now... my duties as the
Substitute Assistant Director

will entail what, exactly?

Dad, virtually nothing,

because Thanksgiving
is always a dead week.

Dad, you just take
a few messages.

You'll watch the football game.
I mean, it'll be a breeze.

I'm telling you Dad, I could
really, really use the break.

Well, why not.

If a father
can't help out a son,

then I say to everlasting hell

with both
of them, right? [LAUGHS]

Right. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] That looks great.

-Son...
-Yeah.

I've been going
over your files here.

I've been studying the entire
orphanage operation

and I think I have
solved your problem.

Problem? What problem?
I don't have a problem.

Nobody said you did.

But it must be clear to you
merchandise is not moving

and you're way overstocked.

Now, with the Ward family
for example, uh,

Molly, Kyle and Brandon,
they have been

sort of on the shelf
for quite some time now.

Wait, wait, wait. Dad, Dad,
these are children, okay?

This is their home,
not their shelf.

Work with me, son.

Now you're in the business
of getting these children
adopted, right?

Business is slow. Why?

Because you have
no viable marketing plan.

No, no, no...

It's because adopting is a very
delicate process, okay.

A lot of time and effort goes
into making sure that the match

between child and prospective
parents is a good one.

Yes!

And this is where the genius
of my plan comes in full circle.

Now, are you ready?

Rent-A-Kid.

Okay, I'm cancelling my trip.

No, no, no. Why adopt a child
you may not like

and you cannot return?

I mean people have trouble
committing to car payments,

much less parenthood.

I'm cancelling my trip

and then I'm calling
Doctor Eilenberg,
okay. Now, this is--

No, now just a second.

For a small,
non-refundable deposit fee,

nobody gets locked in

and we can move
the kids around

until we find the perfect match.

Dad, we are talking about
flesh and blood kids here!

And I'm talking about
a home for those kids.

Okay, look Dad,

I know your heart's
in the right place, okay.

But, please,
just do me a favor,

when I'm gone
just take some messages,

watch some football

and don't
get yourself arrested.

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Thank you.

Buenos dias, senor.

Can I start you off
with a margarita.

Actually, I'll just have
a drink. An iced tea.

Would you happen to know
the wholesale price of this?

I really wouldn't

[GLASS CLINKING]

So this guy calls me,
nine o' clock on the button.

Says that he has
an Abraham Lincoln letter.

He says, maybe he should
fax over a copy.

It's a very special piece.

You ready?

Take a look.

-Woah.
-May 8th, 1863.

That is just a couple of days

after the South defeated
the North at Chancellorsville.

An outline of possible
surrender terms

if the North
loses any more ground?

Sounds like old Abe
was a little nervous there, huh?

This is a significant
historical document.

I know! I know!

[BOTH CHUCKLE IN EXCITEMENT]

But it's not a baby, Russ.

No, it's not a baby, Val.

Honey, we've been
over this baby thing

hundreds of times.

I mean,
before we have a family,

we have to look
at the pros and the cons.

We're never going to know
until we try.

Do you know how much
these kids cost?

I mean, you start talking
about diapers

and pacifiers and clothes.

Val, clothes, clothes,

I mean, kids,
they wear tons of clothes.

Kids go through a couple of
hundred pounds of clothes a day.

RUSS: I mean, they're born
and they just start growing.

Can I be honest?

I don't know that we're
cut out to be parents.

Yeah, I mean it.

I mean Val, we like cars
and laser discs

and those front row seats.

We're "things" people,
we're not "kids" people.

Russ, I am tired

of begging strange children
to let me hold them.

I'm tired of congratulating
pregnant people

who I secretly despise.

[SHOUTING] I want to go
to Baby Gap

and buy little overalls.

Hi.

I'm Harry Haber.

Pardon me for intruding,

but at my table
I could only hear

bits and pieces
of your conversation.

Excuse me, but it was
a private conversation.

Absolutely.

And private it shall remain.

Now, how can I help?

Well, as it happens,
I'm in the Rent-A-Kid business.

Rent a what did he say?

Kids. He says he rents kids.

It's a whole new open market.

I believe it's gonna shoot
to the top like molten steel.

Busy people like yourselves,

asking yourself,
do we have kids? Do we not?

What are the pros?
What are the cons?

The ups, the downs.

You know, have we made
a wrong choice?

I mean, you can't
take it back, you know.

You can't return them.

There's no exchange,
you know. Right?

Wrong. Because, why?

Harry Haber is here.

You rent live children?

Yeah. Now, I'll tell you
what I'm willing to do

as a special
introductory offer.

I have a family of three.

Two boys, one girl.

Ages five, ten and thirteen.

All in mint condition.

Now, I'm willing to let you
have all three

at the usual
single weekly rate.

No. I don't think so.

Why not?
Why not give it a try?

Get a feel for each age.

At the end of the week,

then you can bring them back.
No harm. No foul.

Well, I'll tell you what.
You think about it.

If you change your mind,
give me a call.

I also rent popcorn machines
and weed whackers.

That was pretty wild tonight,
huh, Val?

That, uh, Rent-A-Kid guy.

Yup. We'll see.

We'll read he was
an escaped prisoner.

Yeah.

You know, in some ways though,

and I mean very few,

the idea of actually
renting kids...

It would sort of,
let you kind of,

test it out
a little bit though,

without actually
committing to it forever.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Well, I guess you can
find something good

in any idea
if you look hard enough.

Right, right.

But this particular idea,

you know, with us kind of
on the fence about it
a little bit.

You know,
to actually experience

having a few kids around

for a limited amount of time.

VALERIE: Yeah.

Russ...

Are you telling me
you want to rent-a-kid?

No...

[SCOFFS] Of course not.

Yeah.

You think we can just
rent some kids

and return them
when we're through?

Well, I just think that
it might help us decide

if having a family is something
we really want to do.

But, they wouldn't be our kids.

Exactly.

But, after a week,
if we still want a family,

then we must really
want a family.

Well, what if we got
a bunch of kids we hated?

Kids that would never
be like ours

if we raised them on our own.

Well, I guess we'd mix that
into the equation

and we'd try again.

But if we keep renting
and we keep having problems,

well, I think we've learned
a valuable lesson.

Val...

Look,

I like my life right now.

I love it.

I love everything about it.

But, I also love you, very much.

Now, I know how important
this is to you.

So I'm willing
to give it a shot.

Then we'll see.

Excellent profile.
No police record.

And the credit's fine.

Except for this one
late payment on lingerie.

I assume that purchase
was for your wife.

Of course it was for my wife.

Of course. Alright then,
now when would you

like to take delivery
of the children?

Could you not...
put it that way?

Wouldn't think of it.

What would be a good time
for your rental period to begin?

Let me see now.

I have the next
ten days available.

Oh, no. I'm sorry.
That won't work for us at all.

We have a big auction
the day before Thanksgiving.

So, we can start
sometime after that.

Oh, well.
No, that won't work for me.

Let's see.

I have the next
ten days available.

Yes, you said that.

[WHISPERING] He just said that.

Excuse me, but why
are the next ten days

the only time
we can make this happen?

Uh, well, it's simply that, um,

this is a trial experiment.

And the experiment ends
ten days from today.

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

Maybe we can do it.

No, honey.
We have a lot of work to do.

Well, it'll be like real life.

We've got to make time
for our kids, right?

Excellent parental thinking,
Mrs. Syracuse.

No one leaves this world

wishing they'd spent
more time at the office,

my own pop aside.

[CHUCKLES]

I think we should try it.

-You do?
-Yeah, I really do.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Okay, we'll try it.

Just initial the box down there,

merchandise accepted
and I'll walk it on through.

Very good. Thank you.

[SIGHS] Well...

The worst that can happen
is what?

I mean, we have
a rough ten days, huh?

-[LAUGHS]
-Right?

-[LAUGHING] Right.
-[LAUGHING]

We learn a few lessons.

I wonder which ones are ours?

[CHILDREN GIGGLING]

I hope it's not that kid
operating on the stuffed animal.

KYLE: We're gonna be adopted?

HARRY: Well, not in
the traditional sense.

It's more like a lease option.

You see, I've met
this wonderful, young couple

who wants to experience
the joys of family living,

and I thought you swell kids
would be perfect

to provide the right atmosphere.

So we're gonna be "atmosphere"?

Brandon, don't put
words in my mouth now.

I want you kids to look at this

as a step
in the right direction.

We can stay together?

More importantly,
you get to stay together.

The Syracuses have a big home
and lots of room.

Did Mr. Cliff Haber
sign off on this?

Now son, don't worry about

who signs off
and who signs on this.

Just think about the great time
you're going to have.

What's so great about it?

What's in it for us?

Well, for starters,
they've got a dog.

-They've got a dog.
-Yes!

They've got a dog.
They've got a dog.

MOLLY: I thought we were
going to live in a house,

not a building.

This is it?
There's not even a yard?

Uh, alright kids,

now you're going to have to make
some adjustments here.

As you may have noticed,
there is no backyard.

Let's get moving.

Don't want to miss
our delivery time.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

We don't have to answer.

[SIGHS] Last moment together
as single people.

[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY]

For ten days at least.

[SIGHS]

HARRY: Hi folks. Molly, Kyle,
Brandon Ward.

I present to you Mr. and Mrs.
Russ and Val Syracuse.

Hi, I'm Valerie.

I'm Russ. [CHUCKLES]

It's nice to meet you.
Come on in.

Here we go.

[GUN FIRING]

Uh, kids!

There's a lot of things that you
see here in the apartment,

the TV, the stereo,
things on the walls,

the walls themselves.

These are grown up things.

They're not for touching, okay?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
That's very welcoming.

Um, come on,

put your stuff down
and make yourselves at home.

Ah, Molly?

Is something wrong?

She's trying not to sneeze.

Why is she trying not to sneeze?

Brandon told her people
can only sneeze so many times

before their heads explode.

I'm at my limit.

-She is.
-[VALERIE CHUCKLES]

Molly, Brandon,
I think is just teasing,

you can sneeze
as much as you want.

Nothing bad's gonna happen.

[SNEEZES] That was close.

[LAUGHS]

I don't see a dog.

-That's because we don't own...
-I took the liberty

of telling little Molly
that you owned a dog.

[CHUCKLES] But we
don't own a dog.

Well, now to be honest
with you Mr. and Mrs. Syracuse,

uh, a little give and take
was necessary

to ensure
the children's compliance.

They didn't wanna come?

Oh, yes. They wanted to come.

But to be honest with you,

a little give and take
was necessary

to ensure
the children's compliance.

He's repeating himself again.

She came here expecting a dog.

How could you
lie to her like that?

If you like,
I could rent you a dog.

-You rent dogs?
-Oh, yeah.

Uh, Molly.
The dog is at the vet.

-We'll pick her up...
-Him.

We'll pick him up later.

Okay?

Oh, this is
a brief list of things

that could help the children

through difficult
transition periods.

Uh, well,
what a fine looking family.

I'll see you kids
all in about ten days.

[PAGER BEEPING]

VALERIE: Do you need the phone?

Could I borrow your phone?

In the kitchen.

Oh.

RUSS: Kids, do you have
any questions?

Anything at all
you'd like to know?

Where do you keep
the sharp knives?

Hey, Dad! Listen, terrific news.

Yeah, listen, I just hung up
the phone with the Lachmans

and they wanna adopt Molly Ward.

Well, that is good news.

[OVER PHONE] They're going
to sign the papers

after the holidays
but tell Molly now.

And wish her
a Happy Thanksgiving for me.

Will do, son.

Can I give her any idea
when the papers will be signed?

-[LINE DISCONNECTS]
-Hello?

Ah.

Well, I guess I just have
about the best news

that anybody would want to hear.

Turns out that our
little Molly's gonna be adopted.

[CHUCKLES] That's wonderful!

Well, congratulations, Molly.

HARRY: Yes, Sir!

It looks like after
this rental termination,

you're going to be known
as Molly Lachman.

What about my brothers?

Well, I guess, they'll continue
to be known as Brandon and Kyle.

Ah, we'll take care of it.

The sibling bond.

Is there anything mightier?

I don't want to be
adopted alone.

It'll be okay, Molly.

It'll even be great.

I bet you'll live
in a real house,

with a real backyard.

And plus, we'll probably
see you all the time.

I don't care.
I don't wanna go.

What the heck is this?

What does it look like, stupid?

It's a drinking fountain.

You know, I was thinking.

If we got these people
to like us,

I mean really like us,

maybe they'd keep us.

All of us?

That means we could
stay together?

Guys, let's behave.

ALL: Yes!

RUSS: Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa! Easy there, Kyle.

It's a first year issue G.I. Joe

that's worth about $4,000.

Hi.

No, no, Kyle's ten.

He's a real big doctor fan.

He wants to be
a brain surgeon, in fact.

Really? That's funny
because that's how old I was

when I decided
to become a surgeon.

RUSS: Well, anyway,
the little guy's made...

Quite a name for himself.

He practices brain surgery

on just about anything
he can find.

[TOY CLATTERS]

Kyle, you ripped Joe's head off.

Pick it up! Pick his head up.

Bring it here.

Bring it here. Maybe we can
jam it back on.

Russ, you need a doctor?

Oh, no. Listen, Craig.

Is there any chance
we can come by?

Just for a couple of minutes?

Please?

[CHUCKLES]

I can play with it?

Sure, you can.

It's yours.

I don't have to share?

Uh-uh.

Let's go in the car, Stacie.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

Okay, Barbie.

Um...

Where should we go?

I don't know.

Well, we can go anywhere
in the whole world.

So, where should we go?

Out to lunch.

Out...

Molly, would you like me
to take you out to lunch?

For real?

For real.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Who is it?

It's Lawrence Kayvey.

Your doorman.

Hey-hey-hey. Hey.

How you doing?

Wait. Ah!

Brandon, right?

Well.

You kids getting
settled in okay?

Kyle mangled his hand
in the garbage disposal.

Well, those things happen.

Civil War photography.

You like photography, huh?

-I like the Civil War.
-Yeah. Yeah.

That was a big one.

War Between the States,
they call it.

You know why they call it that?

Duh. 'Cause the states
were at war?

[SIGHS]

That was an easy one, huh?

RUSS: Val? Honey?

Hi, Lawrence.
You need something?

No, sir. Just your express mail.

Valerie!

Why're you shouting?

I'm not shouting.

"Preliminary authentication
report on the Lincoln letter."

An Abraham Lincoln letter?

-Can I see it?
-Signature's real.

Thank you
for the autograph, Abe.

When are we going to lunch?

Right now, honey.

Molly and I are
going out to lunch.

-Just the two of us.
-Now?

Oh, no. You can't go now.

Kyle and I are gonna go
on the hospital tour now.

Well, so, take Brandon with you.

I'm sure he'd love to go.

The ammonia smell makes me hurl.

He hurls, honey. [CHUCKLES]

Can't he go with you?

Is Brandon coming with
just the two of us?

If you'd like,
I can take care of Brandon.

-You could?
-Sure.

I mean, if it's okay
with the big guy.

[CHUCKLES]

I've got TV downstairs

and a bag of pretzels.

What do you say, Brandon?

TV, bag of pretzels.

Sounds like a party.

That's a trooper. All right.

Here. You take this.

Put it some place safe. There.

Okay. We'll see you later.

VALERIE: Have fun, Kyle.

Brandon, are you sure it's okay?

You could come with Molly and me
if you'd rather.

[CHUCKLES] No, it's okay.

I'm used to strangers
looking after me.

He'll be fine Mrs. Syracuse.

You and Molly go out
and have a great lunch

and don't worry about a thing.

KYLE: She didn't even look.
Maybe they've got some
in the back.

Well, Kyle, I'm sure
if they did have

any intestinal organs for sale,

they'd be right up front
by the register.

Russ?

-Hey, Craig.
-Hey.

Now, this must be

the brilliant future surgeon
that you told me all about.

This is the one.

Kyle, say hello to Dr. Leff.

Hi.

-Very nice to know you, Kyle.
-Thanks.

Are those real guts
on your shirt?

Uh...

Sorry, no. It's, uh,

real hospital commissary food.

-[CHUCKLES]
-But...

I could take you to see
an operation if you'd like.

Cool!

RUSS: A real operation?

'Cause remember,
blood has that

adverse effect
on my consciousness.

It's a routine bypass.

You won't see much
unless they get a gusher.

Come on, Kyle.

-DOCTOR: Scalpel.
-[MONITOR BEEPING]

KYLE: What's that orange stuff
they're spreading all over?

CRAIG: That's Povidone-iodine.
it's an antiseptic.

Keeps the patient
from developing infection.

What're they doing now?

Well, now, Dr. Luchessi
is using a scalpel

to open up the
patient's chest cavity.

Oh, boy.

I could do that easy.

How do they keep the guts

from spilling onto the floor?

Oh, jeez.

Well, first off, you see
the internal organs
are attached.

It's not like they're
just floating around

inside of our bodies.

There's some blood spillage.
But that's about it.

-[BLOOD SQUIRTING]
-Whoa!

Now, that's a gusher.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

I'm very sorry.

Patient stopped gushing?

Yeah. He's under control.

You all right?

You know, Kyle's really
something else.

He's got a real
surgeon's mentality.

He's ready to go down there
right now and start cutting.

Really?

Well, I...

Better keep an eye
on him then, huh.

Where is he by the way?

Went to the bathroom.

I just came from the bathroom.

I didn't see him
in the bathroom.

Well, I showed him
where the bathroom was.

He said that's where
he was going.

Did you actually see him
go in to the bathroom?

Well, I didn't watch him
disappear inside
if that's what you're asking.

Of course
that's what I'm asking!

Oh, this is great.

Our very first outing
and I've lost him.

Kyle?

Kyle!

NURSE: Do me a favor.
Tell Mr. Newman

I'll be in in a minute
to numb his shoulder.

Kyle!

[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm extremely sorry.

Oh.

Uh-oh.

Kyle!

I'm sorry.

That's blood.

Kyle!

Kyle!

Kyle!

Kyle!

I'm very sorry.

Kyle!

Have you seen Kyle?

I can't find him.

Oh, my God!

[OBJECTS RUMBLING]

DOCTOR: Doctor, would you help
with this incision?

RUSS: [SHOUTING] No!
Don't let him operate!

He's only a kid!

What's this guy doing in here?

I'm extremely sorry.

I thought it was the boy
I rented for ten days.

[GROANING SOFTLY]

Kyle?

He made a detour
at the candy machine.

Russ, you didn't?

Hey, Mr. Syracuse,
can you get me inside?

VALERIE: Do you like it here?

MOLLY: Better than
the cafeteria.

Is that where you eat
your meals, Molly?

In the cafeteria?

One time I fell off
the monkey bars

and the nurse let me
eat in her office.

But then I barfed,

and she yelled at me

because I got it all over
her new shoes.

[SOFTLY] Okay.

Here you are, ladies.

Thank you.

Your daughter is such a delight.

Oh, no. Well,
she's not actually...

She really is a delight.
Thank you.

So, what are you hungry for?

What are you hungry for?

I don't know.
Should we have a look?

Okay. They've got Waldorf salad.
Do you like salad?

Sometimes cucumbers
give me hives.

Well, then maybe not.

They have a terrific
seafood dishes.

Sauteed scallops.

Chicken. They have
chicken cordon blue.

Ladies,

have you decided?

Yes. I would like
the oysters, please.

-Hmm-mm.
-And trout almandine,

no salt, very little oil,

baked potato dry and no butter
on my asparagus.

Very good.

And for the little lady?

Do you have grilled cheese?

Grilled cheese?

Cheese, grilled?

White bread.

No burnt, please.

Mmm-hmm.

You know what?

Grilled cheese sounds great.
I'll have the same.

Two grilled cheese.

No burnt.

[CHUCKLES]

[SLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

Your move, Lawrence.

Call me Larry.

Lawrence is my
professional name.

Is that why you are so nice
to everybody all the time?

You're being professional?

What? I can't just be
a friendly kind of guy?

Okay.

It is also my job.
But what am I gonna do?

Sit around and mope about it?

I wanted to be a shortstop,

but I'm a doorman.

I think you made
the right choice.

Well, sometimes, Brandon,
you don't get to choose.

And as hard as it is,
you just have to move on.

-Check.
-Anyway, I figure
if I'm gonna be a doorman,

I might as well be

the best doorman

in the history of doorman.

Wait a second. You are actually
giving me advice?

I'm fine. You're the one
who is in check.

[PAWN RATTLES]

Checkmate.

Brandon,

you ever hear this one?

"Nice things
happen to nice people"?

Yeah.

My mom used to say that.

Didn't work for her, did it?

All right. Come and get it.

Here's the popcorn-man.

What is this thing?

That is my massage chair.

It's a chair
that kind of massages.

Russ' back hurts him
once in a while.
It helps it feel better.

What's this button for?

No. That button tells that

chair just how hard
to work, huh.

And it works just the way
Russ likes it.

There we go. Thank you.

Kids, this is an adult chair.

So, we won't be touching it.

Okay?

Do you have any paper
I could draw on?

Paper is good.

With a pencil, not on the couch.

It's in my briefcase,
right on the counter.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

So, everyone have
a pretty good day?

Generally speaking?

I think I saw Lawrence's face
on America's Most Wanted.

Maybe we should call the police.

[CHUCKLES]

Boy, Brandon, you certainly like

to use that imagination,
don't you?

He lies all the time.
Don't believe anything he says.

I do lie sometimes, Molly.

But that gum you swallowed
was radioactive.

[CHUCKLING]
He's just teasing, honey.

And you will grow
to abnormal proportions.

Brandon... Brandon,
I think you're

scaring your
little sister there, aren't you?

Fine. But she'll wake up
tomorrow morning

nine-feet tall
and glowing like a light bulb.

Hey, we're supposed
to make 'em like us.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Good evening, Mr. Syracuse.

I took the liberty
of stopping by the vet

to pick up your dog
and I'm delighted to say

he's as healthy as a horse.

He is a horse.

VALERIE: Oh, my God.

RUSS: It's not my dog.

You brought me the wrong dog.

[CHUCKLES] My dog
is a completely different dog.

-What's his name?
-HARRY: Mr. Twixel.

I believe, isn't it?

Molly, you're really
a very lucky girl.

I talked to Mrs. Lachman
this afternoon.

You know what they've done?

They've got you
your very own swing set.

That's very nice of them,

but it's not over
until the fat lady sings.

Not at all.

Sings what?

Hi, I'm Molly and these are
my brothers Brandon and Kyle.

You already know
your mom and dad.

-[DOG BARKS]
-[CHUCKLING]

Is there anything more precious

-than a little girl
and her pooch?
-[KIDS CHUCKLING]

That is not a pooch.

That is a brontosaurus.

Now, you said you'd
rent us a dog.

Now, I want you take
Trigger out of here

and I want you to bring
us back a tiny,

tiny little dog.

-Look... [LAUGHING]
-[DOG WHIMPERING]

-[HARRY LAUGHING]
-Are you hungry?

Honey,

why don't we let Mr. Twixel
stay the night

and then Harry can bring us
another dog tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

By tomorrow he may eat through
to the next apartment.

Oh, I doubt that Mr. Syracuse.

He won't make
that mistake again.

One minute.

KYLE: Whoa, you're a big fella!

Now, Mr. Twixel eats three
hearty meals a day.

However, and this is important,

no fried foods.

Good night.

We'll put away the breakables.

How bad can it be?

[DOOR OPENS]

How do you like
being a mom so far?

I liked a lot about today.

Sometimes I just wanted to hold
Molly close and never let go.

And then, other times

I felt so trapped.

Like my life wasn't
my own any more.

It was being controlled
by these... [EXHALES DEEPLY]

small people.

[CHUCKLES]

I don't think I know yet.
How about you?

Well,

I think I'm learning
a very valuable lesson.

Hmm.

[RAIN PATTERING]
[THUNDER RUMBLING]

It's weird.

What?

What did you do
when you were a little kid

and you heard thunder?

I ran into my parents' room.

Oh, honey, come on.

I mean, they're tough kids.

They've had to be.

I guess in nine days
they'll be that much tougher.

-Hi.
-Hi.

[CHUCKLING]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

The kids.

Now, you be nice.

I'm always nice.

Coming!

[VALERIE SCREAMS]

[DOG WHINING]

I can see this dog

is going to be a big,

big problem.

When will breakfast be served?

[CHUCKLES]

[VALERIE SCREAMS]

[WHISPERING]
...ever do.

[WHISPERING]
I'll move them later.

-Thank you, my dear.
-Oh, you're welcome.

Molly?

Did you ever turn those
stereo knobs back down?

[SPARKS]

[ALL GASP]

I don't think our
behaving plan's
working too well.

Dan, you made this seem
kind of important.

[CHUCKLES]

What's going on?

Your partners
haven't skipped town

with all our money now,
have they?

[LAUGHS] No, nothing
quite that bad, no.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

So, how is the auction coming?

Dan told me about
the Lincoln letter.

How fascinating.

It's great. It's a great piece.

It's in terrific shape.

It's full of
historical significance.

It couldn't be better.

We're optimistic it's going to
bring us a hundred thousand.

That's good to hear.

Now, why, Dan?

Why is that good to hear?

-Uh.
-WAITER: Here you go, ma'am.

No, no thanks. Nothing for us.

-Are you guys pregnant?
-[BOTH LAUGHING]

Eleven weeks. We just found out
a couple days ago.

Well, hey, that's wonderful.

That's wonderful.
That's great news.

Yeah, it really is. We didn't
even know you were trying.

So, six months from now,
no more just jumping in the car

and driving down to the club.

We're gonna have to find
ourselves a babysitter first.

That's right. [CHUCKLES]

You're gonna have to find
yourselves a babysitter.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[GASPS]

-The kids! Cheque!
-What kids?

RUSS: What are we
gonna say to them?

VALERIE: Anything but the truth.

[DOOR OPENS]

Kids!

Hey, there they are.

See, I told you they'd be back.

-Hi.
-[SIGHS]

Gosh, yeah.
Of course we're back.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Look, Val and I...

See, she thought I was home,
I thought she was...

-You forgot about us.
-No.

No, no. That's not
what happened at all.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING ON TV]

Actually, yeah.

That's what happened.

Uh, the truth is,

we've never had
anyone else in our lives

that we had to be
responsible for.

And that's no excuse at all.

Guys, we're very, very sorry.

Was that a "I forgive you"
shrug?

Or was that a...

"I don't wanna know
from you" shrug?

Listen, I don't know
what happened.

We just kind of forgot.

[SCOFFS] It's no problem.

I figured when you
didn't get home on time,

must have been
something like that.

But they were okay?

The little one
was a bit worried.

But otherwise they were champs.

What about the animal?

I haven't heard
a peep all night.

Thank you, Lawrence.

I owe you one.

Molly?

Molly, we're really sorry.

We would never, ever,
just go away

and never come back, honey.

That's what my real mom did.

Mmm.

I promise you,
we'll never go away

and leave you guys
like that again.

Okay, Molly?

You mean, you're gonna adopt us?

All of us?

Uh...

Molly, sweetie,

you're already
gonna be adopted, remember?

Mr. and Mrs. Lachman?
The swing set?

She'll be fine.

She just misunderstood.

[VALERIE SIGHS]

[CHILDREN CHATTERING]

[DOOR LOCK OPENS]

Mr. and Mrs. Lachman
here to see you.

Uh, come in, folks. Take a seat.

I thought I told you
to wear civilian clothes.

Sorry, I forgot.

You've got to think, Miguel.

You know it's our brains that
separate us from the animals.

Well, now...

What can I do for
you nice folks today?

Well, actually, we were supposed

to be with my parents in Boston
for the holiday, but...

But we decided we just couldn't
live another day without Molly.

Oh, I understand your feelings
completely, Mrs. Lachman.

Now, what can I do
for you nice folks today?

We'd like for Molly to come
spend Thanksgiving with us.

We spoke with
your son last night

and he said there wouldn't
be a problem.

Oh, no. No, no problem.

Unfortunately, Molly isn't here.

-She's not here?
-Uh, where is she?

Well, that's confidential
information, Mr. Lachman.

I tell you, you slip to somebody

and the next thing you know,
we're on a mailing list.

What? What's he talking
about a mailing list?

The bottom line is
that Molly and her brothers

are going to have
Thanksgiving dinner

with a very nice couple I met
in a Mexican restaurant.

Now you have to agree that

that opportunity doesn't
come along very often.

I think maybe
we just better call Mr. Haber.

I think that's a good idea.

No need to call Cliff.

Molly will be back in the shop
first thing Friday morning.

I can have her cleaned up
and out the door by noon.

[DOOR CLOSES]

No wonder poor Cliff
is getting an ulcer.

BRANDON: Kyle?

Kyle?

VALERIE: Are you saying
we're broke?

TERESA: No, that is
not what we're saying.

You're nowhere near broke.

DAN: But you put
the bulk of your money

into real estate partnerships

and those properties
have undergone

some very serious depreciation.

TERESA: The important thing
is to curb your expenses

and stick to this budget
until we can regroup.

RUSS: Yeah, well,
I think the important thing

is that this auction
makes a lot of money.

DAN: Do you hear that,
Mr. Lincoln?

TERESA: We have a lunch meeting,

so if you'll look over the
budget, we'll talk later, okay?

RUSS: Okay.
Thanks for the good news.

[DOOR OPENS]

Brandon, were you
out here listening?

Uh-uh. I just wanted to tell

you guys something
about this letter.

Brandon, what are you doing?

This is a very adult thing.

It's definitely
not for touching.

[SIGHS] I don't
think it's right.

Of course it's not right.

It's never right
to touch somebody's

Lincoln letter
without permission.

[STAMMERING] I don't mean that.

I think it's fake.

Val, you wanna...

Come on, I'll show
you downstairs.

I'm not lying.

Lincoln wasn't at the
Hotel Savoy on May 8th, 1863.

He was at his sister's farm
outside Rochester.

I read it in that Civil War book
you bought me.

Brandon, I don't know if this is
some kind of bid for attention,

but in this house
we don't reward lying.

But he wasn't at the hotel.

I can't wait until Thanksgiving.

Me neither. Just us
and Russ and Valerie.

Like a real family.

Yeah, for a couple
more days anyway.

You mean they're not
going to adopt us?

I don't think we should
hold our breath.

They like us pretty much,
don't they?

And they want kids.

You think they want kids
who've blown out their stereos,

spilled milk
on their furniture,

left gum in their car?

Besides, they think
I'm just a big liar.

You are a big liar.

Sometimes I'm not.

Besides, they're having
money problems

and they can't afford
to keep us anyway.

What's "money problems"?

It means they don't
have enough money

to buy stuff like margarine.

How do you know they do?

I heard them talking
to their lawyers,

or whatever they were.

Maybe we could help them.

Maybe we could help them
get more money.

BRANDON:
That's a nice idea, Kyle,

but we'd probably
have to rob a bank or something.

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

-Lawrence, hi.
-Hi.

-Thanks for coming.
-No problem.

Auction day, huh?

You know how it is.

Um, It's just gonna be Molly,

-the boys are coming with us.
-Oh, great.

MOLLY: Larry, come and watch
T.V. with me.

Gonna show them
the family business, huh?

Yeah.

Sharp suit, Mr. Syracuse.

Much better than last year's.

Thank you, Lawrence.

LARRY: Hey, circus movie.
Just what I was hoping for.

-What was wrong with last year?
-[VALERIE CHUCKLES]

ANNOUNCER: [ON TV] And we'll be
right back after this.

ANNOUNCER 2: [ON TV]
Someone will win this
Value Digest Sweepstakes award.

Why not you?

Send a short letter
telling us why you think

you should win $2 million
to this address.

-Rememberize that, okay?
-Okay.

RUSS: Woah,
slow down there, honey.

Where you going so fast?

I am going to win us
some money.

Really? Val, you ready?

-You got the Lincoln letter?
-I have got the Lincoln letter.

I thought you said
that wasn't real.

Well, they don't
wanna believe me.

[DOOR CLOSES]

That's Florida. F-l-o...

Yeah?

R-i...

Yeah?

D-a.

Do you have an envelope?

Uh-huh. Downstairs I do.

I sure hope
Russ and Valerie know

what you're trying
to do for them.

RUSS: Molly!

Molly!

-[DOG WHIMPERING]
-Lay down!

You're home!

Where's my Lincoln letter?

Your what, sir?

This morning,
it was in a briefcase

Now, there is
a candy bar there, melted.

-Oops.
-"Oops"?

What does that mean?

What does that mean, "oops"?

Molly,

the paper you used to write
to the Sweepstakes Company,

was that in Russ's briefcase?

You wrote on it?

You wrote on my Lincoln letter?

I'm sure she had no idea
it was...

Where is it?

Mailman took it.

The mailman took
my Lincoln letter?

-I'm sorry.
-Oh, no, honey,

-It's not your fault...
-Yes, it is.

Don't tell her
it's not her fault.

It is her fault.

At least you can leave here
in a couple of days, Molly.

I have to
live with this forever.

It's my fault.
Lawrence, it's all my fault.

Oh. No, no, no, no sweetie.

CLIFF: Hey, Dad, it's me.

Is everything okay?

I got a crazy message
from the Lachman's last night.

What are they talking
about a Mexican restaurant?

Well, son, a restaurant
is no place to spend a holiday.

I don't blame Molly a bit
for staying where she is.

Well, how is she, I mean,

was she excited
about the big news?

[CHUCKLES] You should've
seen her son.

Her eyes were shining
like molten steel.

Well listen, anyway,

wish all the kids
a happy Thanksgiving for me

and I'll see you tomorrow,
all right.

-Oh, and Dad.
-Speaking.

You sure you're not doing
anything questionable, right?

Cliff, just take it easy, relax.

Business has never been
so good.

Now then, you say that
you're in the market

to rent a teenager.

I don't think that she will
ever talk to me again.

You don't deserve
to have her talk to you again.

You're lucky
I'm still talking to you.

You're right.

No, you're right.

I am?

-About what?
-About having kids.

You were right.

We don't have
the sensibilities to be parents.

We don't have the time,
we don't have a clue

about what we're doing.

This is hard work.

What were we thinking about?

I don't know, Val.

Maybe it'll work out
for the best, though.

I mean you toss in
this whole financial mess.

At least the kids are,

you know, they're...

They're only rented?

They deserve better than us.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

No stems.

-No stems.
-Yes.

Kyle, wanna join us in here
for a minute, please?

Atta boy.
Take a seat right there.

Good, good. All right, guys.

I want to go over
a few ground rules here

before the guests arrive, okay?

What guests?

You know, their friends.

Well, they're not
friends-friends.

They're more like
business client-friends.

But that's why it's very,
very important

that you guys
behave tonight, okay.

Business friends?
On Thanksgiving?

Rule number one,
no burping at the table.

Number two, Kyle,

no passing any food whatsoever
through your nose.

And number three,
and most importantly,

Mr. Twixel
stays in the bedroom.

Any questions?

Molly?

Thanksgiving is supposed to be
family time.

What's the difference?

We're not family either.

Brandon...

When are we going to leave?

In the morning.

Guys, I'll tell you what,

let's not talk
about leaving now, okay.

Let's talk about
what a great time

we're gonna have tonight.

Right?

-Right.
-Right.

[INDISTINCT CHATTERING]

Anyway, the post office says
they'd be able to

trace the Lincoln letter
in a couple of days,

but other than that

I think the auction
went pretty well, don't you?

Yes, very well received.
Thought it could have done

without the children
rushing around.

I didn't think they were so bad.

I imagine that you can't wait

to have your house returned
to normal again.

Well, it's actually kind of fun.

[WOMAN CHUCKLES]

What grade did you say
you were in?

Well, we don't really
have grades in prison.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES]

Will you and your brothers
be visiting long?

Uh-uh. The rental period
is for only ten days.

I can pass a Brussel sprout
through my nose.

I used to be able to pass
a full cheese sandwich.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

This is really boring.

At least at the orphanage
we're part of a family,

not a business meeting.

[DOOR BELL RINGS]

Hey, happy Thanksgiving, guys.

Mmm, sure smells good in here.

Come on, eat with us.

Oh no, no, no, I, uh,
I really can't.

Why not?
There's plenty of food.

Can Larry come and eat with us?

Well, honey, I'm sure that
Lawrence has other plans.

I really do.

I was trying
to tell the kids that.

Got a bunch of family
coming over downstairs.

Lots of food, everybody
bringing dessert and what not.

Anyway, the reason I came up

is I found that
Abraham Lincoln letter,

sitting out by the box.

I guess Molly forgot a stamp,

so the mailman never took it.

Nuts! Now we won't
win the money.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Well,
I got to make room

for all those people
I was telling you about.

Can we come with you?

Can we?

Why would you want to do that?

Look at all that great food
waiting for you.

Who cares, it's just a turkey.

Come on, Larry, why not?

Um, Mr. and Mrs. Syracuse,

is it okay if the kids
come down with me for a while?

It's fine.

Thanks Lawrence, for coming by.

Race you to the elevators,
come on.

It seems to be undamaged.

I don't know, Russ.

Lincoln on one side,
Molly Ward on the other?

Wait, it's pencil.

It's pencil.

They have erasers for pencils.

We'll use one of those little
pencil erasers.

We'll erase it. [CHUCKLES]

[READING] I would like
to win the $2 million

so our new family will have
enough money to keep us.

Molly.

-Where are they?
-Did they go with Larry?

Yes, yes!

[GUESTS MUMBLING]

Hotel Savoy?

What about it?

Lincoln never stayed
at the Hotel Savoy.

His wife had
a personal vendetta

against the owner's wife.

This letter's a forgery.

[GUESTS SCOFF]

LARRY: [ON PHONE] That really
is too bad about the car.

Blew up sky high? Huh?

[EXHALES SHARPLY] Look,
what can you do.

We'll just try again
next year, right?

Okay, okay.

Then yeah, I'll... talk...

Talk to you guys,
I'll talk to you guys next week.

-[PHONE LINE DIES]
-Right, bye.

Looks like my, uh,

cousins aren't gonna
make it after all.

I'm sorry, Larry.

That's okay.

You sure you guys don't want
real plates?

Because sometimes the potatoes
get stuck in the corners.

BRANDON: No.
We're okay, Larry.

All right, then.

Oops.

BRANDON: What's wrong?

Forgot something.

Who likes cranberry sauce?

No stems?

Nope, not a stem in the can.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Um, may we come in?

Of course, you can.

-LARRY: Welcome.
-Thank you.

VALERIE: What are you guys
doing down here?

We've got, um,
we've got dessert upstairs.

And, uh, Larry,

you're more than welcome
to join us.

In fact, we insist.

No offence, but,

we don't want to eat
with those people.

We want to be with family.

Molly, I keep telling you...

No, it's okay, Larry.
Molly's right.

You have been
more like family than we have.

We just, um...

We can't seem
to get the hang of this.

I'm sorry. [CRIES]

[KISSES ON FOREHEAD]

You know,

it really is a whole lot
nicer down here.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

May we join you?

Oh, sure.

I've got plenty.

Our cousins ran into
some car trouble.

MOLLY: Here you go.

RUSS: Car trouble?

LARRY: Crazy thing blew up.

-Blew right up?
-Yeah...

MOLLY: Everybody remember
to save some turkey

for Mr. Twixel.

[MR. TWIXEL BARKING]

[CONTINUES BARKING]

[MR. TWIXEL WHIMPERS]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Brandon, I'm very sorry
I didn't believe you

about the letter.

Why should you?

I'm just a big liar.

That's why no one
will adopt me, I know that.

No, that's not true.

All kids lie
every once in a while.

It's just part
of growing up.

I remember that
till I was about 16

I insisted
that I had X-ray vision.

Doesn't matter.

No one will be like my mom.

No, of course not.

Val comes pretty close.

Closer than anybody.

She even smells like my mom.

Let me tell you something,
Brandon.

If Val and I ever have a son,

I wouldn't mind one bit

if he turned out
to be just like you.

Goodnight, pal.

We must be the two
worst candidates

for parenthood
on the face of the Earth.

We yelled, we screamed,

we called them liars.

Did you at least
apologize to Brandon

about that stupid letter?

I don't think he cared
very much.

Can't say that I blame him.

[THUNDER CONTINUES RUMBLING]

You know, I'm surprised
they all haven't run away.

We really blew it, Russ.

[THUNDER CONTINUES RUMBLING]

[DOOR OPENS]

-Molly!
-Hey.

Oh.

-You okay? Huh?
-Hey.

Get over here.
Get in here, quick.

Hurry. Snuggle in here.

It's just thunder and lightning,
nothing scary.

What's wrong with Molly?

Well, I think
she's afraid of the thunder.

Oh, is that all?

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[RUSS AND VALERIE CHUCKLE]

RUSS: That's all,
that's all it was.

The house next door
got hit by lightning.

It burned to the ground.

Not really.

I suppose
there's no extra room.

Hey, what do you say?

Any extra room for Brandon?

Yeah, come on in here.

Get in here,
scoot over, scoot over.

-[ALL CHUCKLE]
-Hurry, hurry,

before that lightning
comes again.

Stay in here, stay...

[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[RUSS EXCLAIMING]

I told you it was coming.

[DOG BARKING]

All right, all right,
just this once.

[DOG WHIMPERS]

[ALL CHUCKLING]

[BED CREAKS]

[HUMMING]

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

[CHUCKLES]

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

Hey, how you doing?

Have you seen
my father around?

Oh, it was terrific.

How was everything here?

Uh-huh. Okay, well,
go look, I'll hold.

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

-[DOOR BELL RINGS]
-RUSS: Coming.

-Morning, Mr. Syracuse.
-Hi, Harry.

Are the children ready
to be returned

in the condition in which
they were rented?

Will you cut that out, please?

Guys, Harry's here.

HARRY: Ah, there they are.

One, two, three,
everybody accounted for.

Oh, Brandon,
I got very good news for you.

A very nice young couple
has rented you
for the next two weeks.

Just me?
I'm going to be all alone?

No, no, of course not.

In fact, a very nice couple
has rented you
for the next two weeks.

Now, Mr. Syracuse, could you
just sign right down there.

Okay, well,

free to say our goodbyes now
and we'll move on?

Okay.

Bye, kids.

Hope you had a couple of
good times, at least.

Oh, they'll be talking
about this for days to come.

Okay, here we go.

Harry, could you just give us
a couple of minutes, please?

Molly,

I'm going to call up
Mrs. Lachman

and maybe the three of us
can all go out to lunch. Hmm?

Hey, Kyle,

you look for that Medical
Digest subscription in the mail

in a couple of weeks, okay.

Yeah? Okay.

[KYLE SNIFFLES]

And Brandon, you know,
if I get any more of those

Civil War books,
I'll send them right along, huh?

Bye.

Bye.

Goodbye.

[VALERIE SIGHS]

Okay.

-HARRY: Mr. Twixel,
-[DOG BARKS]

front and center,
come on, boy.

Come on.

Come on.

You come back and see us now
for all your rental needs.

[DOOR CLOSES]

RUSS: [SIGHS DEEPLY] Well...

That's that, huh.

That's that.

MOLLY: We're sure
gonna miss you, Larry.

In the future, I'm gonna
have to

schedule time
for these goodbyes.

CLIFF: So, you did it.

You really did it, huh?

You actually rented children.

Are you insane?

My boy, I don't think
I like the tone of your voice

and in answer to our question,

I'm as sane as molten steel.

Look Dad, we're talking
about human beings

-not some dumb animal.
-[DOG GROWLS]

Hey Twixel,

I think we're ahead
of our time.

At least we know now

what lousy parents
we would have made.

The worst.

[WATER DRIPPING]

You know, Val, those kids
deserve better than us.

I mean, you said it yourself.

-Way better than us.
-Way better.

And you know why?

Because, you know,
we're things people.

I don't want any kids, Russ.

I want those kids.

Me too.

-Thatta way.
-Thanks, Lawrence.

Wait! Don't go!

Mr. and Mrs. Syracuse, hi,
I'm Cliff Haber,

the director of the
Mid-Valley Children's home.

Please accept my deepest,
deepest apologies.

-We want to adopt them.
-All of them.

[RUSS AND VALERIE GASPING]

-CLIFF: All of them?
-RUSS: Yeah.

You, you, you, want to adopt
all of them?

Pay attention,
that's what the man said.

Although, technically speaking,
Mr. Syracuse,

you did clearly decline
the purchase option.

Look...

Look, Mr. Haber,

I know that these
Lachman people,

they're expecting Molly
and I know that

they bought her
this swing set and everything,

but, you have to understand,

somewhere over the last
ten days,

we fell in love
with these kids.

And we sort of,
became a family.

And Val and I,
would really like to try

and keep that together
if we can.

I mean, you know,
if they'll have us.

Will you have us?

Yeah?

-Yeah.
-[DOG BARKING]

It worked.

Don't break us apart,
Mr. Haber.

Okay, listen, I'll explain it
to the Lachman's

I'll bring back the paperwork.

In the meantime go be a family.

-Okay. Go, be a family.
-Thank you.

-Thank you.
-All right.

-Thank you, thank you.
-Okay.

Well, yes, I may have been

a little foot loose
and fancy free.

I may have zigged when
I should have zagged, you know.

But it was never six of one

or half a dozen of the other
with me.

When I went into this racket,

I went in
to get those kids a home

and by God, I did it.

[MR.TWIXEL BARKS]

What?

No.

Oh, no.

No! No! No!

Honey.

[ALL CHUCKLE]

MOLLY: Yay,
come on Mr. Twixel.

[MR. TWIXEL BARKING]

We'll meet you
at the elevators.

RUSS: Heel, boy.

Guess what, we're staying.

Three more for 2209,
got it.

See that?

Something nice happened
to nice people.

Come on, Brandon.

Well, I got to hand it
to you, Dad. I mean,

here for years I've been
trying to get these kids placed

and you make it happen
in a week.

Yeah, it's funny how life is.

Here, for years, you've been
trying to get these kids placed

and I make it happen
in a week.

You know, the truth is, son,

this magic of
making people happy,

it's a gift.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

RUSS: Kyle, no!

Not the autographed
Joe Namath football!