Reflected Light (2018) - full transcript

David sells His violin
(Requiem for a Baal Tshuva)
A poem by Yosef Ozer

"David's fingers drove the violin wild,

"he hadn't yet shorn his curls,

"a wonderful guitar string sang in David.

"Now David is in the study-house,

"he puts up a notice on the black bulletin board:

"Hey, folks, I've become religious.

"I'm selling my violin...

"For sale: an easel, fine brushes
and oil paints.

"Colorful shirts in exchange
for white ones.

"For sale: Innocence.



"Because now David
wants to buy a new David

"and he buys a sweat stain
on the brim of black hats.

"He buys the pride
of the persecuted

"and the melodies of his childhood
are elbowed from his memory

"by niceties in Yiddish.

"His son Hillel will never hear a violin again."

My name is Moti Barlev

and I'm your guide on this tour

which is a sort of
personal journey for me.

It's a journey in the footsteps
of Baalei Tshuva (newly religious Jews),

among them, my parents.

People who grew up secular

were on a great quest,
they grew closer to Judaism and...

tried to find in Haredi (ultra-Orthodox) society
what they were looking for:



closeness to God

and mainly the intense
religious passion.

Disappointingly, Baalei Tshuva
were outsiders in Haredi society.

It was hard or impossible to get
their children admitted to their schools,

and they wouldn't let their children
marry the children of Baalei Tshuva.

What I always wondered
about my Baal Tshuva parents was,

Are you blind, not noticing
that you are not welcome here

Don't you realize
you aren't wanted here?

As the years passed

the children held up a mirror
to their parents

and their religious transformation

and said: Look, this is what
your great search for truth led to.

Reflected Light
A film by Mordechai Vardi

Muhammad...

Just bring cement,
I have wire here.

What?
-Just bring cement, I have the wire.

We were raised in this hallucination,

We came home to a delusion,
trying to imitate another delusion,

you know what I mean?

You're neither here nor there.

On Shabbat you have to
study Talmud with your father,

go over the week's material,

and your father studies
like a Baal Tshuva,

you don't understand
the kind of language he uses,

and this applies to everything.

They do not know the inner codes
of language and dress

Once my dad came to my school
with a pipe,

sandals, and a Baal Tshuva's
Tsitsit (fringes) hanging out.

The court jester arrives.

They wanted us
in their fantasy

like everybody else around.
Industrial peace.

"Go to cheider (religious school)."

"Dad, I'm not going to cheider."
-"You won't just go, you'll run."

If you don't go, you run.

"Like it or not,
you'll dress like everyone else..."

"Dad, I look like a clown
in this suit,

"I don't know how to wear it.

I don't have a Haredi brother
or uncle to show me."

You aren't Haredi
and you aren't secular,

because you were taught from childhood
that the secular world

is also a load of crap,
all the hedonism,

the gluttony,

and when you go out

you want a beer, at least.

My dad ruined even that for me,

My dad ruined even that-fer- me,

going to bars
and dancing like a fool.

I can't do it, you know?

That's why I stay at home,
work in the village, come home,

and most of my friends
are Arabs and Russians

and we don't understand
each other.-

It's a quandary. We aren't secular,
we aren't Haredi,

we aren't gay,
we aren't Baalei Tshuva,

we aren't anything.
What are we? I don't know.

You're experiencing
everything as a mystery

there's no explanation,

it's all one big chaotic mess.

You keep trying to get things straight
but it feels like chaos.

I don't consider myself secular.

I don't consider myself
religious, either.

Those terms are small
and idiotic

and they apply to small,
idiotic people.

If the test is whether
I eat on Yom Kippur, during the fast.

well, I eat on Yom Kippur
and I'm completely okay with it

and I think my God is okay with it, too.

He's fine with it.

He thinks it's magnificent.

I serve God every day.
I get up at 6 a.m.

and go to work. I don't steal,
I try not to lie.

I try. It doesn't always work.

I don't hit others,
which I used to do a lot.

I serve God
/
and try to heal myself.

Too bad my dad doesn't understand.

You know what I'm saying?

How are we different?

I can say that my father
loves people.

I don't, really.

You don't love people?
-I think people are stupid,

disgusting.

Because my experience was
that you have to hide the fact

that you weren't raised like them,

you aren't part of their society.

You have to make up for
the differences.

You know what I'm saying

Apart from other Baalei Tshuva,
Apart from other Haredis.

When we studied, didn't you realize that
I have a deep understanding of the Talmud?

Sure, but that's not what
I'm looking for.

For me, a Talmud scholar father
who's connected to God,

that's not what a kid needs.
Right. -That's what I'm saying.

A kid wants to belong,

he wants to grow up
like everyone else. -Right.

And I knew I didn't belong.

There are the Holtzmans
and the Shpichtzmans and whoever,

and then there's me.

Did you know we were
fighting for our place?

Yes, but I had nothing else
to give you.

I realize you had no choice.

One day you took us
to the rabbi, a pervert

with his box of torture tools,
who shoved lipstick and tangerine peels

into kids' mouths,

a bunch of serious creeps.

An awful experience.

could tell you I made a mistake
here and there.

I can accept it and say:

Enough already,
you did what you could,

maybe it was, cruel.
It's possible.

That's me.

I'm in an accepting place now.

may be troubled about
this son that way,

and that sen in another way, but...

I try to see 'the big picture.

I try to see...

I'll ask you something else.

In general, do you like the way

your children look like?

I don't see my children...

I don't see them..

as failures.

On the deeper level,
religious people

are inspired people.

Deep people.

I'm not so concerned about
the Torah laws,

keeping the books of laws.

although I don't take them lightly.

My Judaism isn't only
about cleaning lettuce on Shabbat,

if you're allowed to remove worms
off the lettuce.

I think social justice,
connecting with all Jews,

the relevance of the Torah
to other sectors

and to me,

not adapting my life to...

to two clauses
in the books of laws.

so it fits like a glove.

Authenticity, be authentic.

If you're not authentics,
you're playing a game that doesn't exist.

What will you gain? Nothing.

may have spoiled your joy of life,

since life really is...

What do you want?

Thank God, you don't think that
backgammon is the meaning of life.

I grew up here.

See those yeshiva students?

That's how I looked.

My parents chose to join a totally
different, closed society.

All these changes
they couldn't make,

and the society they joined

rejected them, as well.

We were strangers.
We didn't belong here.

They're Baalei Tshuva.

The wife walks stooped over,

the father's trailing with a plastic bag.

And the Haredi couple on the right

walks more confidently,

it's a wholly different story.

He's a classic Baal Tshuva.

Classic. His hat is old,

he's carrying a cloth bag
that no one else would carry.

No question...

a 5-year-old kid
would recognize him

as a Baal Tshuva.

That's where my parents live.

You don't have a childhood
in the simple sense of the word.

You're also alienated
from your parents.

They had a mystical experience,

a super-intense experience
of revelation.

In the girls' schools,
where we learned Judaism,

Whatever the rabbis said,
we went, "wow, wow..."

We wore 70-denier stockings,

buttoned up our blouses,
you-name it.

Hadassah Oved

They told us to get married - we did.
They told us to have children - we did.

We did everything right,

but the time comes when you say:
Hold on, stop the train.

I have something to say.

I have something to say, too.

I have opinions,
I have a personality,

I have a-will of my own.

And that's what we want today,
to stop and say:

Hey, what's your name?
What do you want? What do you think?

This conference is only
the beginning, God willing,

of something much bigger
and much more serious,

We need to find our path.

We have a second generation
of young-men and women,

and if you don't yet, you will soon,

because the little ones grow up.

At the first conference
we focused on ourselves, the women.

Who we are, our identities...

what we have in common,
what we're going through.

That was the aim
of the conference.

I'm trying to figure out
what comes next.

We figured we'd address
the second generation.

That's what I wanted to discuss
with you.

What bothers me now

is the question of our children.
Who are they?

Who are you?
What is your experience?

You feel like you have no place,
no home, no identity.

Nothing.

I still feel that way.

Ask the children of Baalei Tshuva,

they have no home,
no identity.

They won't be Haredi
because Haredi society is so inflexible

and so unaccepting of others,

and you can't adopt
their dress code,

and to them,

if you don't accept
their dress code

you aren't part of their society
-Like what?

The way they dress. -Give me
an example of a code that you know

and your father doesn't know.

Curling peyois (sidelocks).

Baalei Tshuva don't curl their peyois,

or even worse, since the peyois
are considered important channels

for funneling endless bounty
from high, lofty worlds

to our lowly world,

they should go from the forehead
to the back of the skull.

To a Haredi kid it's scandalous,

What are you thinking, coming here
with the bald head and the long peyois.

Are you crazy

It's not even part of
the Haredi makeup.

Okay, you screwed that one up.

Okay, I corrected you,
you go to the barber

and he curls your peyois
into tight curls.

He puts on his Shabbat shtreimel
(fur hat),

he chose an old shtreimel,
a "Baal Shem Tov" shtreimel.

Idiot! Buy a decent shtreimel.

The Baal Tshuva has to buy
a $2,000 shtreimel.

His whole being rebels and says...

I have to buy a $2,000 shtreimel?
-I became religious

in order to serve God,

and now I have to buy
a $2,000 shtreimel.

What the...? I'm buying
a brand-name! -Right.

What should I do?

Okay, I'll atone for my sins,
I'll buy a shtreimel.

Let's say he's wearing
all the right clothes,

"What's with the white socks?

"Are you crazy? Who wears..."

"But nobody sees."
-"Of course people see

"When you sit down,
people see your white socks

"and know you don't belong."

They'll never get it right.

And you know what?

Even if they have all the clothes

can tell a Baal Tshuva by his walk.
-Right.

"He's a Baal Tshuva."
-Just by looking at him. -Just by looking.

"He's a Baal Tshuva.

"He isn't from here."

We put a lot into our children.

A lot of..

With a very broad perspective,

with the best intentions, and we did
everything anyone could dream of.

Did any of your kids
leave the religion?

Not exactly,

I have a daughter who...

is going through a process,
along with us.

It's an intense, crazy process, and...

everything I couldn't imagine
happening is happening.

Becoming religious is a very egoistic
spiritual journey.

You underwent
a very intense experience,

through that experience
you became religious,

through that experience
you became Haredi,

and we're totally out of the picture,.

When my parents told me

about experiencing a great light...

I want to know
what that light is, too.

I can make it easy for you.

You'll never feel it.

I felt someone grabbing me
by the hair,

it was no rabbi,

no friend.

I made the decision overnight.

I woke up in the morning

obligated to
all 613 commandments.

Tefillin - now. Prayer-shawl - now.
Observing Shabbat - now.

Torah - now. Getting married...

Now!

Were you attracted by
the Haredi identity?

At first it was imposed on us

The hat, the suit...

And they told us it doesn't matter
how you dress.

What do you mean,
they dressed you in a hat and suit?

They were very clever.

They said: Your truth is much bigger
than a hat and a suit.

So you figure: What do I care?

What do I care,

but you gradually realize

that it's...

creeping over you.

Did you ever wonder:
What is this nonsense?

All the time.

I felt that the garb wasn't me

Did you ever tell your kids
who you are?

No.

That's a trauma that's haunted me
for years.

"We followed the mystery blindly.

"How could we give up
our innate assets?

"We experienced breakdown,
loss, abandonment, confusion.

"It was a small table
at a Tel Aviv cafe

"that took me in.

"I came to say goodbye
to Tel Aviv's sidewalks.

"To the city's awesome secularity.

"If I hadn't been convinced of
the truth of this amazing process,

"believing with all my being, I could
swear we were all under a spell.

"Insane, in the most dangerous way
imaginable,

"that we'd lost the simplest,
most basic element of self-defense:

protecting your sanity.

Yes, that's...

You were drawn into it...

you had no choice,
you were under a spell.

No, it just seemed like a spell.

It must've felt like a spell, too.

How did you accept
their institutions?

The schools and the society and...

I didn't accept them.
I had no choice.

That sounds awful,
"I had no choice."

It is awful.

But essentially, that's the truth.

So you sent me to a Haredi high-school.

when deep inside you knew
I shouldn't be there,

it wasn't the way you wanted
to raise me,

but you were a captive of the system

so you rolled it...

onto us, too.

I call that irresponsible.

You should've said:
If you don't want my daughter,

I don't want you

That's called having confidence

in the path you've chosen.

That's what happened,
you all lost your backbone

when you joined
the ultra Orthodox world.

The first thing they did, boom,
like they cut their hair,

they lost their backbone.

When I stood before
that high-school principal I felt like...

Either I kick his butt

or I swallow the insult.

I chose to swallow the insult.
-Naturally.

And that shattered me.

Why am I sitting here with you

Why do I need this?

I need it because..

it's...

a move toward freedom.

Toward understanding, toward
truly internalizing the situation.

Are you free yet?

Well, I'm...

many, many years younger than you

and my opinion doesn't count,
but I'm still ahead of you.

I've moved on.

For years you were super-religious

and I had no idea

you came from a different world.

No, when my dad was born
they gave him a hat and coat,

he couldn't be anything else.

Then it struck me?
I
Hold on,

my dad wasn't born ultra-Orthodox.

Your tattoo, for instance,

for years Mom told us
it was a birthmark.

What a crackup.

Daddy, can I have a blessing?

A Shabbat blessing?
-Please.

Like the old days...

"May God make you like Sara,
Rebecca, Rachel and Leah..."

We haven't met since
the Beit Meir Conference.

You really made me mad...
Big-time.

That's how I like it.

I'm not Sephardic, I'm not of oriental origin.

I'm not a Breslav Hassid,

and I lived in

a typical Ashkenazi community,
of people from European origin.

that accepted me completely.

And there I met you,

at the Beit Meir Conference.

Thank you.

The idea is to present things

which are really open for discussion.

And everyone should
express his opinion.

If we don't try to help ourselves

no one else will help us.

"If I am not for myself,
who will be for me?"

We're taking on a poverty mentality

and we don't realize
that we have tremendous strength.

This fear, this weakness,
this lowliness,

works against us.

My name is David Karpas.

Baalei Tshuva are an amazing thing

but we're a fleeting episode in time.

With all our faults, our issues,
our problems,

we're a fleeting episode.

My son won't have to deal with
what I deal with,

my grandson definitely won't...
-He's a fleeting episode, too.

That's right. I'm talking about
the continuum into eternity.

Excuse me, Rabbi,
it's okay to think otherwise.

It's okay to think otherwise.
But to say that I'm a fleeting episode?

You said we're a fleeting episode.
I'm eternal, I won't go away.

We aren't a fleeting episode.

We're a social-spiritual experiment
by God.

We're the model, we aren't
a fleeting episode.

We have to speak honestly,
this is an emergency meeting,

because the Tshuva movement
is caught today with its pants down.

If you're Baalei Tshuva,
chances are 50-50

that your children will be secular.

We know this from experience.

The challenge of the Baal Tshuva
movement

which is a new branch of Judaism

is that the majority still denies the fact
that it's a new branch of Judaism.

That's the whole problem.

We, the model, must formulate
a new religious approach.

So...

I felt I was different from the Haredis

from my very first day
in a Haredi yeshiva, for Jewish studies,

but I never saw myself
as the ugly duckling.

I always saw myself as the swan.

I never felt inferior

because I'm a Baal Tshuva.

I always saw it as a virtue.

I knew I had an advantage over them.

He's a better Talmud scholar
than I am

but he isn't a better person than me,

because I'm more into
closeness with God.

didn't mean to become Haredi,

there just wasn't any other vessel
that could contain my light.

I looked for the most authentic thing

and that seemed the most authentic

so I said: This is the truth,
I'm going all the way.

And I went all the way.

It was very hard for me.

Not that I'm a saint,
but when you expect it

to be an exemplary society

and you see that it's...

I don't want to say
anything bad, but...

A lot of lies, a lot of injustice.

When one of my daughters

went to a Haredi high-school,

24 hours before the school year began
we got a phone call

saying she'd been rejected.
-Wow!

"We hear she does terrible things.

"She has internet on her phone..."
Lies.

But then no Haredi high-school would take her.

Impossible.
-It's true.

My daughter stayed home
a whole year.

I remember being...
-Broken. -No.

took a baseball bat

and I went to smash
his kneecaps.

But you didn't do it.
-I didn't. -Too bad.

But that's how I felt.

That's when I felt..

the blow.
Where did that come from?

Where did that come from?

After years and years
of being deep inside

I couldn't be part of it any more.

It's all gossip.

"We heard..."
All sorts of rumors.

I look at him: I saw him,
his stockings, his...

That's when the penny dropped.

That's when I realized
it's no fleeting episode.

We are no fleeting episode.

My kids aren't like the neighbors kids.
They never will be.

They grew up in my home,

they're like second-generation
Holocaust survivors

who experienced the Holocaust
through their parents,

they experienced Tshuva
through their parents

which is why I say
that they taught me

through feedback,
through reflected light,

that we have to be ourselves.

Good even

My parents became religious
in the late '70s

with the wave of Baalei Tshuva
who went straight from secular society

to Meah Shearim
(a fanatic Haredi neighborhood).

I married at the age of 18. By the time
I was 21 I was a father of two

and I decided to leave Haredi society
and religion in general.

Later I also got divorced.

As I see it we're a lost generation.

If I could convey one thing
from this meeting,

it would be really nice

if we could meet regularly,

maybe with a moderator,
and process what happened back then,

go through a process.

My parents became religious
and they lost their minds,

they lost their common sense,
their...

They threw away their values,

and yes, my parents
accept me as I am,

but there's no dialogue.

As a child I idealized
I didn't belong there.

I realized I didn't belong there
when I was 7 or 8.

I realized it wasn't real.

The question of identity

and searching

concerns all of my peers.

I'm undergoing the process inside.

I still look Haredi to many people

because I wear black and white,

but Moti might notice
that I wear cotton pants,

but... Right?

But it's significant.

Who I am, what I am, where I am,
how much I am, why I am.

Why I grew up this way,
why I live here,

why I wear a shtreimel on Shabbat,
why I wear white socks,

why...

I ask myself these questions.

Maybe there's a built-in uneasiness

that doesn't let up.

Which cheider did you go to?
-Breslav.

That was hardcore.
-Terrible.

They abused us

physically and emotionally.
-You didn't speak Yiddish at home?

Of course not.
-So you learned Yiddish in cheider.

Yes, I learned Yiddish in cheider.

remember once I innocently
spoke in Hebrew

with a friend, a fellow sufferer,
whose parents were also Baalei Tshuva.

The principal, this tall German guy,

put his briefcase dawn,

slapped me nonchalantly,
dispassionately,

picked up his briefcase
and walked away.

And that was far from the worst.

They gave me hell because
"you're Sephardic

"and you're worthless,
your parents are Baalei Tshuva,

"you're worthless,

"you're ruining our community..."

It was endless suffering.

Can I challenge you

Why not become secular?

Just throw it all away?
-Because I do believe.

I believe in the Torah,
believe in God.

There are a lot-of contradictions.

I can't say I haven't considered it.

But I have a lot of responsibilities.

With the path I'm on today,

vis-a-vis myself, my daughters,
my family, it's not an option.

And I don't like that thought,

I'm a religious person.

I love the religious life,

but not the way I was raised.

I'm not part of the society
I was raised in.

As you describe it,
you're heading for destruction.

Why do you think so?
-What do you mean by destruction?

If you stay in Beitar,
your kids will come out messed up.

Are you messed up?

I am. -I'm messed up, too,

we all came out messed up.

It's really very simple.

I was afraid to admit
there was a problem here.

I didn't want to admit
there are problems.

I wanted to keep pretending
I belonged

because I made it to
the best yeshiva,

was one of the best students,
but then you have a baby,

you see it isn't working
but you're still in denial

and you say: If I do this and that

it'll work eventually.

And...

suddenly the problem hits you,

big-time.
-You look the problem in the eye.

Then they reject our daughter

because we aren't really Haredi.
That's another blow.

If we leave Beitar
we'll be starting a new life

because it's not just
leaving a city,

it's changing something
very significant.

We thought the best thing would be

to integrate into Israeli society
as Israelis.

Not secular, but Israeli.

To live our lives as who we are

and not apologize
for what we aren't.

"The Lord is my salvation,
I shall trust and not fear;

for God is my strength and my song
and He is my salvation.

"And you will draw water joyfully
from the springs of salvation.

Salvation is the Lord's,
Your blessing is on Your people.

"The Lord of Hosts is with us,
our fortress, the God of Jacob.

"O Lord of Hosts, happy his he
who trusts in You. O Lord, save us,

"may the King answer us
when we call.

"The Jews had light and joy
and happiness and veneration,

"may we also. I raise my cup of
salvation and call the Lord's name."

L'chaim. -"Bless You,

O Lord our God, King of the universe,
creator of the fruit of the vine.

"Bless You, O Lord our God,
King of the universe, creator of spices."

Let me smell it.

Smell it.
-Mommy...

"Bless You, O Lord our God, King of the
universe, who separates holy from profane."

Amen.

Mommy, give me dinner.
-Sit down and I'll bring it to you.

It's 1 a.m.

and we're in a park
in the heart of Beitar.

We're here on behalf of
the Elem Foundation,

an organization for
youth in distress,

in Haredi towns it's called
the Back to the Community project.

87% of recognized youths
are the children of Baalei Tshuva.

We find the schism among these kids
in places like this,

the schism, the adversity,
the unhealthy side.

Over the past 40 years

a group of secular Israelis
from different walks of life

has tried to integrate into Haredi society,
almost all of whom are Baalei Tshuva.

The integration wasn't a big success,

and that's both the title
and the bottom line here,

the non-acceptance of
the children of Baalei Tshuva

by Haredi schools,

and this has very serious
implications.

The time-bomb

of the children of Baalei Tshuva
within Haredi society

is a grave problem,

you see it on the streets
in all the Haredi neighborhoods,

the most problematic youths
are the children of Baalei Tshuva.

According to the Central Bureau of
Statistics, in 2011 over 200,000 people

defined themselves as
Baalei Tshuva.

Baalei Tshuva underwent
a traumatic process

in Haredi society.

They lost their ability
to express themselves,

their responsibility,
their faith in their abilities,

and gradually became anachronistic to
themselves, to their families and to reality.

There are countless ways to fix this.

The first thing is to stop
attaching ourselves to the Haredis

because that's irrelevant.

The second thing is

to create everything
for ourselves.

I didn't like the Haredis
dealing, with our issues

Let me deal with our own problems.

I opened a school.

I want my education to be
broadminded, pluralist,

unafraid, open.

together, together,
together, together...

In the...

Talmud Torah.

If we don't know about
how the State of Israel was established,

how can we understand
where we are today,

where we're going?

My father was made secular
so that I could start a fresh religious life

Rabbi Kook said: "If you deafen someone
you pay for his whole body."

was detached from Judaism
to discover everything anew.

brand-new.

The Tshuva movement
made a big mistake.

They went the wrong way,
they adopted a Diaspora mentality,

and the second generation
rejected it.

They wouldn't accept it.

A new doctrine must arise.

I expect us to foster
thinking people,

not people who say:
I think this because my rabbi said so.

Let's say you open a yeshiva
and you can do whatever you want.

What would the yeshiva be like?

What would its headmaster be like?

I'll tell you what.

Where I'm at today,

It's like everything is open to change.

Rabbi Yehuda Greenwald

Everything is open for discussion.

Really.

We're returning to Israeli society

without adhering to old patterns

so we have to create
new terms for Judaism.

I want our children...

even if they're out on the streets,

they should have values.

If we could make this happen

I'd want to raise my children
from scratch.

I'd raise them
completely differently.

Wealth and honor and long life

Praise God, exalt Him,
for he is true

In honor of the groom..

You were part of Haredi society
for years.

We identified as Haredis,

not as Baalei Tshuva,

but what you just tried to do

is create an identity
as Baalei Tshuva.

don't understand...

You define yourselves, your identities,

as Baalei Tshuva.

Maybe that's,enough for you,

but how do you pass that on to
next generation who had no such experience

You're right about that.

You won't be able to do it.

Why are society and identity
so important?

Who cares?
-Because every society

has a way of dressing,
a way of behaving,

it's a social construct.

You want your child
to know how to act,

to know who's one of us
and what isn't.

You need these things.

I'll tell you something.

I fit in well in the Haredi world.
-Yes..

I didn't get screwed.

I never had trouble
getting my kids into schools,

I didn't go through
all those traumas,

but for years a lot of who I am

was pushed aside.

Now I feel like I've returned
to when I just became religious.

We need to know that creating
the community is a statement,

and the statement is that
we failed, as Baalei Tshuva,

to make an impact from within.
Why do I have to be subservient

to their institutions
and their rabbis?

We have brains and we have things
to pass on to our kids.

That's right, without
following the Haredis.

I don't want my son in a school
where everything is allowed.

It's so dangerous.

It's like letting the child

choose what he wants to be.

I don't want my kids
to go out into the world

hostile to "these Goyim, these gentiles."

"These secular Jews."

I want to feel secure enough

that if that's what
steers them wrong,

let them go wrong.

I'm not a pushover

and I don't submit to everything.

And now I'm going to build
something from scratch.

It's so hard to overcome
the trauma

without a psychologist
and pills and electric shock,

it's not easy.

It's a process.

I'm Oded Nitzani and I'm
the chairman of Nettiot,

a network of communities
of Baalei Tshuva

which offer two kinds of solution.

One is creating special communities
for Baalei Tshuva,

and the other is various problems,
unemployment,

education, etc.
We're here for...

the issue of education.

Our experience with our daughters
is very negative.

There's no institution that can really
accept and understand these girls.

They notice right away that...

they aren't like the rest,

and that pushes them to the fringes.

Do you have an idea
for a comprehensive solution?

To create a framework
'that answers the needs

of the girls and their families.

There'll have to be
an emphasis on identity.

I want to put something
on the table.

The Haredis we study with
want us to be Haredi,

the question is, do you want us
to be Zionists?

Can we just be ourselves?

You're essentially saying:
We want this group

or this class or, in the future,
this high-school,

to have an identity

that doesn't exist yet.

Not Haredi, not nationalist-religious,

it's all that, but it's something new.
-Exactly.

We'll have to build it together.

A cooperative effort.
-Right.

Many tools...
-Who's backing you

In terms of what?

I don't need anyone to back me.

I've been Religious for 38. years,
I started when I-was 18.

I'm the rabbi of a 30-family
community in Maalot.

I had 100 families in my community
when I left Beitar.

With a higher yeshiva, a religious
school and a girls' school.

I'm asking whether you have any...

financial backing.

Do you have any financial backing?
-No.

Our kids are on the streets,
they hate Judaism,

and it's a shame. Not everyone
understands the Baal Tshuva mentality,

who they are,
what they go through.

Problems with income,
childbearing, lack of skills.

The whole situation...
-Are Baalei Tshuva's

income problems different from

those of non-Baalei Tshuva?

The Baal Tshuva loses
all his confidence

on the most basic level:
Making a living, education,

men and women can't
work in the same place,

"oy vey..." and so on.

Okay. -Then, naturally,
the woman has kids...

Of course.
-She became religious at 25,

when the child is Bar Mitzvah
she's already 40,

and she wakes up:
Which yeshiva do I put him in?

What...? Where?

Then you realize you aren't
loved or wanted.

still can't understand

how a woman who was 20
when she became religious

who comes from a
totally different world...

You said she has child-rearing issues.

Everyone has child-rearing issues,
okay?

That she has child-rearing issues
because she became religious...

seems.

What's the connection?

She gives birth every 18 months.
Seven children...

Why does she give birth
every 18 months?

Because when you take that path...

If you want to be religious,

that's what you have to do.
And you want to do it.

You have to go from
one extreme to the other.

This process doesn't lead you
to religious Zionism,

it leads you to Baalei Tshuva.

We're now trying to
put that "tribe" together.

This sector is standing up
and saying: I want to be proactive.

This huge sector that wants
to become Israeli again,

that Israel is missing out on.

Haredis say: You aren't Hared

You didn't study in yeshiva
so you don't get funding...

Secular Jews say: You aren't secular,
you're super-Haredi.

Basically, we're... -Okay.
-Neither here nor there.

And we now have
almost 300,000 adults

with lots of kids who consider
themselves Baalei Tshuva.

Nobody knows where this is heading.

Today is a red-letter day.

We're beginning a new year
with an extra framework,

second-generation Baalei Tshuva.

What we're trying to do
is make these girls happy,

to give them some peace of mind.

They have no educational framework
that strives to make them happy.

Such a thing doesn't exist.

Here with us is Feigy,

I want to thank Feigy and her husband
who moved here from Beitar.

Feigy's parents are also
Baalei Tshuva

so it makes sense that she be here

because she's even closer to the girls
than we are to our daughters.

I was always a bit
of a troublemaker.

was pressured into marrying when I was 17
because they were afraid I'd leave the path.

I don't think a 17-year-old girl
should be married

or pregnant. A 17-year-old girl
is still a girl.

She should go to school
and have fun.

The religious world is all about masks.
Totally. -The secular world also has masks

but I've never lived in their world.

come from the Haredi world.

Miriam, how did you experience
their hypocrisy?

At school they called me a tramp.
-They called me a thug, too.

And I'm so not a tramp.

They called me a tramp.

Feigy, am I a tramp?
-You're not.

Feigy, when I was in 8th grade

I asked what God is, okay? -Okay.
-In a Jewish Philosophy class.

I asked Mrs. Schlesinger
what God is

and she said: Come to
the head of the class.

I went, and she said to everyone:
See?

This is how she was raised
and who knows how she'll turn out?

I'll never forget,
my first day in 1st grade

the principal told me to draw
a house and a boy.

I drew it

and handed it to her, and she...

You know how they have glasses
and short straw-like wig?

Yeah... -Oh, no...
-She looks at it,

my parents are all stressed,
waiting to hear if I'll be accepted,

and she looks up and says:

Why is there no mezuzah (a holy artifact)
on the door?

Not only were my parents
Baalei Tshuva,

I'm Sephardic, so my slang was...

God forbid.

The rift between Ashkenazis
and Sephardis was totally shocking.

I'm telling you,

we sat in four rows,
two rows of Ashkenazis

and two rows of Sephardis
and we didn't speak to each other!

I know I have issues,

sometimes I break down in tears,

I miss home,
I miss the familiarity at home,

but this is where I belong.
-Amazing.

I never thought I'd find a place
where I could say:

This is where I belong.
-Yeah.

I never thought
these words will ever leave my lips.

When I left the religion

I was very bitter.
Don't you see what's going on?

What I, an 18-year-old boy,
am going through?

That you're joining a problematic society
where you don't belong?

But leaving the religion

actually made me respect them.

I learned to respect them,

and over time I learned
that people who leave the religion

and Baalei Tshuva
have similar profiles.

They're both restless, uneasy,

always searching, asking questions,
going crazy and driving others crazy.

When I was your age
I did everything out of fear.

I won't do this
because I'll break this rule

and I won't do that
because I'll break that rule.

I'm not afraid or threatened.

Now that I've started to study
the Zohar, Kabbala, Baal HaTanya,

Rabbi Nachman's books,
which were the most encouraging,

all his stories and fables,

I realized that the true
pleasure in life is...

the world of Tertah.

Kids these days who lose faith

don't feel the pain they should feel
when that happens.

They feel like a weight has been lifted.

You also have to beware of the parents.

Kids don't become more
religious than their parents.

If their parents are religiously "low,"
they won't reach higher.

Some kids don't understand
that God is something else.

Here, I'll explain.

If I try to explain to an ant
what a car is,

will it understand? -No.
-Kids don't understand

that it's exactly the same
as explaining to an ant

what a car is. Exactly.

You don't understand.

If you gave up,

you don't understand.
Why do you say I gave up?

You gave up.
-In what way?

If you're no longer religious...

You think I have a problem
with religion?

I respect your search,
but I prefer religious kids

with broad horizons...
I have broad horizons.

I see my soul getting stronger,

but if I go for broke

and talk to you about philosophy

and be as open-minded
as I want to be,

I'll go astray.

You have to avoid people

who make you feel bad.

Not that you make me feel bad.
you have to avoid those who bring you down.

"I hereby write God's great name
in the name of His holiness."

When did you first discover the Torah?

When I was 16, 16 and a half.

At the end of high school.

And it grabbed you

Yes.

Very much.

I'm doomed to be
stuck between worlds.

You don't have to be.
-Why not?

I can't see myself making
the leap of faith you've made.

You don't have to,

and it's not you.

Not me? Are you saying
I'm a semi-heretic?

No.

No, I don't think categorizing is...

think categorizing is good

when it helps a person,

but when it doesn't
it's an unnecessary restriction.

The need to constantly categorize.

Look, I keep Shabbat.

I don't know why I keep Shabbat...

Because of: "The Israelites
shall keep the Sabbath?" -Why not?

What's wrong with doing what
your grandfather's grandfather did?

You keep Shabbat because...

Because Shabbat
is a divine commandment,

but I'm not there.
And I will always be torn.

Look at your life
for the past six years.

You changed and changed some more

and grew and fell and got up again

and rose and plummeted... you know?

It's foolish to think you can plan
what you think...

You're here now,

it's your choice, here and now,
and it's big enough

and requires enough energy
and sophistication... -Right.

Just stay where you are.

But, if we're so dynamic...

so, where does marriage come in
if we're so dynamic?

The fact is, it does.

No, you're dynamic,
you like one woman now,

tomorrow you won't.

And you're a totally different person.

"I hereby write God's great name
in the name of His holiness."

You commit yourself to someone

because of a certain position
you're in

and tomorrow you're in
a totally different position.

You can grow and change with your wife.

It's not a matter of changing,

you're a different person,
it no longer makes sense.

You know?

You're taking on irrelevant fears
for no reason.

"If I forget you, O Jerusalem,
may my right hand forget its cunning,

"may my tongue cleave to my palate
if I don't remember you,

"if I don't place Jerusalem
above all my joys."

My brothers became religious
20 years ago

and joined
Rabbi Oded Nitzani's community.

He turned me on.
I'm not ashamed to say it.

I'll say it.

The Rabbi's son.

I'll stop smoking on Shabbat
when Miriam asks me to.

For now Miriam doesn't want me
to stop smoking on Shabbat

because that's not where I'm at.

Of course I do, it's no secret,
I say it in front of him, too,

I even pray for him.

I want him to know Judaism
from t-he place I know it from,

because it's not the same place
he knows it from.

Love conquers all.

It's true, but those words scare me.

All my life I've told myself:
Don't get married,

don't make that mistake,

be careful, be consistent
about that one thing.

"With this ring I consecrate you to me
by the laws of Moses and Israel."

Consecrated, consecrated,
consecrated!

"This is your firstborn son and
God commanded you to redeem him

"for five silver shekels."

"Bless You, O Lord our God,
King of the universe,

who sanctified us and commanded us
to redeem the firstborn son." -Amen.

Honestly, I feel sanctity.

Really. I feel...

It takes away my anger,
my petulance,

my hatred.

It's a Mikveh (ritual bath).

Really.

This is...

two seconds after she was born.

When she looked at me like that

I said... -You understood
everything. -"She's one of us."

"What am I doing here?"

I said: She's one of us.

Tsippi sang and prayed, she was
a state of religious ecstasy.

Poor thing... -Yeah.

On Yom Kippur I went to synagogue.

I fasted.

I'm not a part of it.

And what's the alternative?
Not to fast?

That's even worse.

I hope my heart opens,

maybe something will happen.

It's silly for you to say:
"I've sinned, I've betrayed..."

You won't believe what you're saying

I some people serve God by saying:
I haven't sinned, I haven't stolen,

"I'm normal, God loves me."

Did you go to synagogue?
Did you pray?

Did you use a prayer-book?
-No, just at night, for Kol Nidre,

so the congregation could say
"we're pray with the sinners."

What do you want
your son to be?

Haredi? Secular?

I think about that a lot,

what kind of schools he'll go to.

I don't think secular schools

are any better than
Haredi schools.

He'll be what his mother
raises him to be.

There is a problem.

Because Tsippi will be the dominant one
when it comes to her education.

You know?
-Why is that a problem?

I want to leave my mark, too.

You'd better not leave
any mark, Moti.

Let Tsippi run things.

That was no dilemma for me.

Why not send him to your dad's school?

Maybe I will.

With Grandpa Oded.

It's complicated.