Red Snow (2021) - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[Dog barking in distant]

Brody?

Brody?

[Sighs]

[♪♪♪]

[Gasping]

[Taking deep breaths]

[Screaming]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]



[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[Chuckles]

[Sighs]

[♪♪♪]

[Screams]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[Taking deep breaths]

♪The first Noel,
the angel did say ♪

♪ Was to certain poor shepherds
in fields as they lay ♪

♪ In fields where they lay
keeping their sheep ♪

♪ On a cold winter's night
that was so deep ♪



♪ Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel ♪

Goodnight, bat.

[Chuckles]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

JEN:
You don't have a job.

I have a job.

I'm a novelist.

JEN:
And how's that working out?

That sounded mean.

I know.

But Mom would've wanted you
to build a life for yourself

in the cabin, you know?

Not rot away in it.

I'm your sister.

I have a right
to be worried about you.

Build a life?

Like what your life?

Squirt out a million kids
before I'm 30?

JEN:
Three kids.

I have three beautiful kids.

And they're your family, too.

Believe or not,

they're actually missing
their thia.

JEN:
Are you still there?

Gotta go.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[Hissing]

[♪♪♪]

[Taking deep breaths]

[Screams]

Whoa! Whoa!

It's okay.

It's okay.

Julius King,
private investigator.

JULIUS:
Uh, I'm sorry, ma'am,
for scaring you.

You okay?

Um, yeah, I'm sorry I--
I've been jumpy all morning.

I didn't get much sleep.

What can I do for you?

JULIUS:
You know, it's okay.

-I'll come back another--
-No, no, it's okay.

Um, I'm fine.

Come in, please.

-Are you sure?
-Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you, Ms. Romo.

Olivia.

Oooh, peppermint.

Mhmm.

Uh, you said you're a cop?

Not actually, no,
I'm a-- a private investigator.

I'm working for some folks
out of Reno.

Oh, I-- I don't anybody in Reno.

But maybe
you could help me anyway.

You see I've been going around
knocking on doors

for the last few days.

And it seems that everybody's
away because of the holidays.

And then I saw the lights on
in your house, and I thought,

"“Well, hey, maybe somebody's
home there

and I'll go over and check
and see--"”

Sorry. What is this about?

Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm rambling a little, aren't I?

I'm actually looking
for someone.

Well, three someones.

What, like criminals?

Um, you could say that.

JULIUS:
Would you uh, take a look
at these photos

and tell me if you recognize
any of the people.

See I've been tracking them
for quite a long time.

And uh, they seem to move around
only at night using back roads.

I got quite close to
one of them, but uh, he slipped

through my fingers.

Are-- are they dangerous?

[Julius sighs]

I don't want to scare you
or upset you,

but yes,
they are very dangerous.

JULIUS:
That one?

He's more dangerous
than the other two combined.

What's his name?

Luke.

[Taking deep breaths]

Have you seen him?

I um-- no.

No, I'm afraid I haven't.

Are you sure, Ms. Romo?

Yeah, like you said
with everyone gone

for the holidays, it's--

it's been pretty quiet.

[Chuckles]

What was that?

Oh, uh, that's just my cat.

Your cat?

Yeah, he likes to go
in the garage sometimes.

I think he likes to sniff around
all the old boxes

and stuff in there.

I don't know, cats are weird.

Is there anyone else
staying here with you

apart from your cat?

No, just me and Buster.

Do you like vampires,
Ms. Romo?

What?

Vampires, you know.

Dracula, Nosferatu, Twilight.

No, not really.

Why?

Oh, I don't know.

I just noticed that
you have a vampire book

on the coffee table
and uh, vampire ornaments

on your tree.

I just figured
maybe you like vampires.

Why not?

JULIUS:
Lots of people do.

I mean they think they're--
aw, they're really cool

and they're so sexy.

Huh?

JULIUS:
But they're not.

You know, I've seen a gang
of vamps rip a man's head off,

then kick it round in a circle
like a hacky sack.

Just for fun.

But vampires aren't real.

Oh yes, they are
and you know they are,

don't you, Ms. Romo?

[Laughing]

I had you there, didn't I?

I had you there.

Yeah, you did.

That was just a joke.

I'm just playing with you.

That's good.

Oh dear, I guess I should go.

Yeah.

Oh, by the way,
um, getting serious here,

if you see any of the three

that were in those photographs
anywhere, please call me.

Don't worry about
the local police,

they're just aren't up
to handling this.

And don't even think about
9-1-1.

Huh, the Severon Group?

JULIUS [OS/ON]:
That's the detective agency
I work for.

Little bit theatrical
if you ask me,

but they're a lot of nice folk.

Thank you, Ms. Romo,
for the tea.

It was very refreshing.

What's that?

Oh, a bat flew against
the window last night.

A bat?

Yeah, I thought it was dead,
but uh, maybe it flew off.

Do you see a lot of bats
flying around here

in the winter?

Not really, no.

You know why that is, right?

All the bugs, flying insects,
and things that uh,

bats feed on,
they all hide when it gets cold.

Bats, they either hibernate
or they fly south

where it's warmer.

Huh.

If you see a bat flying around
in the winter,

have to ask yourself
one question,

"“What's it eating?"”

[♪♪♪]

Hey Simon, it's me.

I'm in a little town
outside of Tahoe.

I think I'm close to nailing
one of the subjects.

I winged him pretty good
last night.

He'd probably die on his own.

[Chuckles]

Wanna make sure.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I'm coming in, okay?

Don't be afraid.

[♪♪♪]

[Screams]

Luke!

I um--
I brought you some clothes.

Uh, sorry, I--
I don't have any men's clothes.

Those are my mum's old things.

I didn't know
what to do with them.

So I shoved them in all boxes
and now I'm glad I did.

I'm sure there's something
you could wear

for the time being,
so you're not you know,

uh naked and freezing.

OLIVIA:
Uh, feel free to rip stuff up
if you need like a tourniquet

for that huge hole
on your side.

Uh, I can get you something
more appropriate um,

if you tell me your sizes
what you like to wear,

that sort of thing.

Oh, I'm Olivia, by the way.

Blood.

OLIVIA:
What?

I need blood.

Oh blood, right.

OLIVIA:
Because, a vampire.

Yeah, um, I'm fresh out
at the moment,

but you know
what I-- I can um--

I think I know a place
that has them.

Yeah.

Um, so I'll just get you
some shirts, sweaters,

and a few pints of blood.

Maybe a pair of pants,

I'm thinking of like
a size 32 waist, am I close?

No pants.

Blood.

Okay, gotcha.

Save the pants for later,
focus on the blood.

I'm gonna go right now, okay.

[♪♪♪]

[Chuckles]

Could I have a half pound
of the lean ground beef

and uh, half pound of the--
the skirt steak?

Oh yeah, and um,
do you sell blood?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Oh, um good,
you found something to wear.

Uh, blood?

[Gulps]

[Coughs]

What is this?

Pig's blood.

They were practically giving
it away at the butcher shop.

OLIVIA:
Who knew?

Pig's blood.

Uh, I could take it back
if you don't--

No, it's fine.

[Gulping]

More, please.

More.

More.

Uh, more?

No.

I need sleep.

Uh, I got a sleeping bag
if you want.

OLIVIA:
I-- I thought you might be up.

Wow, you look different.

Feel different.

Feel a lot better actually.

Can I come in?

It's your house.

Can I help you with something?

Oh, uh, well okay.

You're a vampire obviously,
right.

Right.

Right.

So I write about vampires

and I read about them a lot

and I've seen
a lot of vampire movies.

I mean a lot, a lot.

Okay.

OLIVIA:
But-- but I never
actually met one.

Like in-- in the flesh.

[Laughs]

I-- I didn't even know
they were real until today.

So this is kind of a big deal
for me.

[Takes deep breath]

What do you want to know?

Oh, um, okay.

Well, oh God, there's so much
I-- I wanna know.

Oh, okay, I got it.

Um, let--
let's start with the rules.

What rules?

OLIVIA:
You know, the rules.

Like how in some vampire stories
uh, crosses and holy water

are deadly to you.

In others, it's like God
and the Bible have nothing to do

with vampires,
so it's useless against them.

Things like that.

For example,
you can turn into a bat.

See?

That-- that's a curveball
for me.

That's like old school.

Um, I mean I like it,
don't get me wrong.

Ooh, can you turn into a bat
right now?

Maybe some other time.

Right,
because you're still healing.

Uh, so let's start
with the basics.

A stake through the heart.

Will that kill you?

I imagine a stake to the heart
would kill pretty much anything.

What about crosses?

Can you look at them?

Prefer not to.

Garlic?

Gives me hives.

Holy water?

Depends on the priest
who blessed it.

Meaning?

Meaning if he diddled kids,
I'll probably be fine.

Gross.

Yeah. But this?

Crossbow bolt dipped
in holy water.

The real deal.

No shit.

No shit.

And what about sunlight?

What about it?

Do you burn up if you go outside
during the day?

I wouldn't burn up,

but it wouldn't feel
very good either.

What does it feel like?

Being in the sun?

Yeah.

Feels like being kicked
in the balls.

Over and over again.

Oh, and what does getting kicked
in the balls feel like?

OLIVIA:
Oh silver?

Or is that just for werewolves?

Wait, are werewolves real, too?

Was somebody here earlier?

OLIVIA:
Huh?

Guy in a big coat?

Oh, you mean Julius King.

You know his name!

Whoa, it's okay.

I didn't tell him anything.

What's the big deal?

What's the big deal?

Who do you think gave me this?

Fucker shot me with a crossbow
last night.

Nearly killed me.

Look, he doesn't know
you're here.

I-- I swear.

He was going door to door
looking for you.

Somebody's outside.

OLIVIA:
There's nobody out there.

Somebody is outside right now!

Are you sure?

Yes, go check.

-Luke--
-LUKE: I'm weak.

I can't fight back
if somebody comes for me.

-But Luke, if--
-Go!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

There's nobody out there.

You sure?

Yes.

Positive?

Well, why don't you go
and check for yourself?

[Scoffs]

So, what's your deal anyway?

My deal?

LUKE:
Who the hell are you?

Why are you helping me?

Well, like I said,
my name is Olivia

and I'm helping you,
because I want to get to know

a real-life vampire.

Which probably sounds like
a real stupid reason to you.

You think?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Close it!

LUKE:
Please close it!

Olivia, close it.

Please, Olivia,
I'm begging you, close it.

Look, if you don't want my help,
there's the door.

I'm sorry, okay.

I didn't mean to upset you.

Listen, Olivia,
I'm not strong enough

to go out there yet.

Okay?

Just please close it
before somebody sees me.

[♪♪♪]

Look,
whatever that man told you,

I'm not a bad guy.

No, you never ripped someone's
head off and kicked it around

like a hacky sack?

What?

No.

Is that really what he told you?

But still, you're a vampire.

You kill people to live.

I drink people's blood.

I don't kill them.

[Chuckles]

You expect me to believe that?

If I was leaving
dried-up corpses

up and down the Stateline,

don't you think
somebody would have noticed?

Well, maybe because
you're turning them all

into vampires?

Doesn't work like that.

Then how does it work?

You can only turn someone
if you were born a vampire.

I'm not making this shit up!

Well, if you're such
a great guy,

why are people trying
to kill you?

People aren't trying to kill me.

The Severon Group
is trying to kill me.

Whatever.

Hey, the Severon Group
is not whatever.

They're a bunch
of jack-booted fascist thugs

and they will kill anything
that doesn't fit

into their narrow-minded view
of the world.

They've already wiped out
unicorns, and shape-shifters,

and-- and candy elves.

Candy elves?

They're as cool
as they fucking sound

and you'll never get to meet
a candy elf,

because the Severon Group
killed every last one of '‘em.

And as for vampires,

it's down to just me
and a few others out there.

I mean, for all I know,
they're all dead already.

You might be looking
at the last fucking

samurai over here, Olivia.

Look, you're all I've got.

If I can crash here
just for a few more nights,

just until I get
my strength back--

Okay.

Okay?

I, um, it's been a long day
for me.

I'm gonna go to bed.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Olivia?

Do I still need to be locked up
in the garage?

Until I know I can trust you?

Yeah.

Can I at least have a magazine
or something to read?

I'm gonna be bored
out of my mind

in here all night.

You can read this
if you want.

Touched by a Vampire?

[Exhaling]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[Gasping]

[Takes deep breaths]

[♪♪♪]

LUKE:
Let me guess.

Pig's blood.

[Sighs]

Oh, it's Count Orlok.

From Nosferatu?

Yeah, I know what it's from.

Do-- do you not like Nosferatu?

No, I don't.

In fact most vampires find it
a deeply offensive portrayal

of our people.

Wait, really?

It's like our
Birth of a Nation.

Oh God, I'm-- I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to offend or--

I'm just fucking with you.

Oh.

[Chuckles]

[Slurps, gulps]

Does it really taste
that different?

I mean pig's blood versus.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful
but it's like the difference

between a craft beer
and warm piss?

Well, did you know that
you can actually drink

your own pee.

It's true and in fact,
did you know that

there is actually less bacteria
in urine

than there is in tap water?

What?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[Grunts]

I think this is starting
to heal up.

It was slow going at first,
but I guess it just needed time.

Oh.

I didn't really
get a chance to--

It's fine.

It's good so far.

Really.

Forget it.
It's-- it's stupid.

I'm just gonna go inside
and make some breakfast.

Human breakfast.

[Sighs]

I'll be moving in now.

SIMON:
You sure he's in there?

Yeah.

Alert the disposal team.

There'll probably be a casualty.

Human.

SIMON:
Human?

The bitch has been
keeping him alive.

[♪♪♪]

[Gasps & grunts]

Where is the vampire,
you whore of Satan?

Hey.

Tell me
where you've hidden him

or I swear I will snap
your fucking neck like a twig.

Right here, right now.

Luke!

[Grunting]

[Laughs]

[Grunting]

Oh, I've waited a long time.

[Screaming]

How does that feel?

Is that good?

[Indiscernible speech]

[Grunting]

Okay.

We need to figure out--

[Screaming]

Holy shit!

[Taking deep breaths]

[♪♪♪]

LUKE:
Olivia?

Olivia, can we talk?

It was him or me, Olivia,
you know that.

Look, I know
you must be upset right now,

but just say something,
will you?

JEN:
Hi, this is Jen.

Leave a message.

Hey, hermana, um,

just calling
because it's almost Christmas

and I really miss you right now.

Um, you know what,
I am being stupid.

You don't have to return
this call.

[♪♪♪]

LUKE:
Olivia!

Olivia, is that you?

Who else would it be?

LUKE:
Listen, I read your manuscript.

And?

LUKE:
I liked it.

Yeah, right.

LUKE:
I'm serious!

You have a really good voice.

Well, if that was true,
I'd be published by now.

LUKE:
Yeah, well, about that?

I think I have some notes
for you that could help.

Just a little feedback.

Maybe a real vampire's
perspective could help you

with your next draft.

Punch it up a little.

What do you say?

[♪♪♪]

Can you get to the other side
of the room please?

LUKE:
Uh yeah, sure.

Is there still blood
all over the place?

LUKE:
No, I mopped it up
with the cleaning stuff

that I found in here.

It looks nice, I swear.

OLIVIA:
Uh, it is clean in here.

Where did you put the body?

Oh God!

[Gasps]

Oh yeah, sorry about that.

It's cold enough in here
that the body should keep

for a few days.

So when I'm strong enough,
I'll take it with me

and bury it somewhere.

We could talk out
in the living room?

I like your place.

Cosy.

Thanks.

Do you ski?

Snowboard?

No, I--

You live in Tahoe.

Thought you might ski is all.

My mom skied.

This was her place.

She um, died last year.

Ovarian cancer.

I'm sorry.

Thanks.

My mom left me this place
in her will.

My sister was already
married off at that point

and mom probably figured
I wouldn't be able to pay rent

on my apartment for much longer.

She was right, as usual.

How long have you been writing?

Oh, I don't know.

Since I was a little kid.

As far back as I can remember.

Anne Rice or Stephenie Meyer?

Huh?

LUKE:
Anne Rice or Stephenie Meyer?

Who do you wanna be?

I wanna be me.

You said you had some notes
on my book?

[Clears throat]

Yeah.

Let me start with the stuff
that I liked.

The prose is really clean
and confident.

It's not too flowery
with a bunch of fifty-cent words

stuck in there.

LUKE:
And the Anna character is gr--

Skip to the stuff you hate.

I can take it.

Okay.

In that case, let's talk about
the setting.

Romania?

Yeah.

I chose Romania, 'cause it's got
like this gothic

sort of Bram Stoker sort of--

Yeah, I know why you chose it.

But you need to change it.

Vamps aren't moping around
in dusty old castles

in eastern Europe, okay?

They go to cool places.

Cool as in cold?

Cool as in fun.

Tokyo, London, Tahoe.

I mean have you ever been
to Romania?

It fucking sucks.

There is nothing to do there.

Okay, I get it.

I'll consider changing
the setting.

What else?

LUKE:
The characters.

So you have Anna the human
and Vladimir the vampire

she falls in love with, right?

OLIVIA:
Right.

Like I said the Anna character
is great.

I like her a lot.

But Vladimir...

[Blows raspberry]

What's wrong with Vladimir?

Let's start with his name.

No self-respecting vampire
would ever call himself,

"Vladimir".

You might as well have called
him "Dildo".

You need to
pick something stylish.

Something with a little pizzaz.

Something like...

...Zach.

Zach.

Zach's a great vampire name.

You want him to blend
into society, don't you?

How about Ethan?

Ethan works, too.

Yeah, I like Ethan.

Zach, Ethan whatever.

There are bigger problems here
than just his name.

I mean,
this guy is a piece of shit.

Meanwhile, Anna, she's smart,
she's successful,

she owns her own tile
and linoleum flooring company.

I don't believe for a second
that she would go for this guy.

Why not?

For starters, he's a creepy guy
named Vladimir that lives

in a moldy old castle
in Romania.

But you're gonna change
all that.

Maybe.

The biggest issue is that
I want him in the driver's seat.

I want him to take control.

I mean he's whining like
a little bitch

up until page 250.

And by that point,
the book's nearly over.

He's a vampire, Olivia.

Being a vampire isn't sad.

It's awesome.

You live forever.

Every day is a party.

You don't have to pay taxes
or wait in line in the DMV

or worry about
your fucking cholesterol.

Vladimir-- Ethan is sad because
his old life is gone.

Don't you get that?

Every single person he knew
and loved

before he was a vampire
has grown old and died.

I mean don't you miss
your old life?

What you mean when I was human?

No.

Not even a little bit?

You wanna know something crazy?

I don't even remember my life
before I became a vampire.

That can't be true.

It is.

I've heard it's like
this amnesia thing that happens

when you change.

Huh.

Maybe it's a defense mechanism
to help you cope

with the transition?

That could be interesting
to explore.

[Chuckles]

Could be interesting.

Like he's trying to remember
his old human life

by following the clues.

Oh, and Anna could help him.

They'd be like solving
the mysteries

of his past together
and fall in love.

That could be good.

Could be very good.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

I'm not ready.

I need more time.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Shit!

Is it Christmas already?

Uh, Christmas Eve.

My mom would always let
my sister and me open one gift

the night before.

But I didn't get you anything.

Well, yeah,
because you live in my garage.

Open it.

[Chuckles]

I figured you'd be sick of
wearing my mum's old clothes,

is all.

Thank you, Olivia.

For everything.

Um, well, I'll--
I'll let you get dressed.

When you're done,
you can uh, come inside.

I've got a surprise for you.

♪ Up on the housetop...

Sit, please.

♪ Out jumped
little Santa Claus ♪

♪ Down through the chimney
without... ♪

You did all this for me?

♪ All for the little ones

Couldn't have you spending
Christmas Eve in my garage.

♪ Oh, ho, ho, ho

♪ Who wouldn't go

♪ Oh, ho, ho, ho

Well then, would you please
pass the blood?

Well, cheers.

[Indistinct conversation]

SCROOGE [ON TV]:
All of you.

Hey boy, hey, Merry Christmas.

It is Christmas day, isn't it?

Why, of course.

SCROOGE [ON TV]:
Oh, I knew I hadn't missed it.

Uh, the spirits have done it
all in one night.

Hey!

Do you know the person
at the corner of street?

[Indiscernible speech]

BOY [ON TV]:
I hope I did.

SCROOGE [ON TV]:
I mean delicate boy,
you're a wonderful boy.

♪ ...Angelic host proclaim

♪ "Christ is born
in Bethlehem" ♪

♪ Hark!
The herald angels sing ♪

♪ "Glory to the newborn King!"

Mmm.

What did I miss?

Scrooge beat the crippled kid
to death with his own crutches.

He did not.

I'm gonna turn in.

Aren't you--

Aren't I what?

Aren't you gonna lock me
in the garage?

You can sleep in the guest room
if you want.

[Taking deep breaths]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Lose something?

Well, aren't you gonna
say hello?

Hello, Jackie.

Brock.

You look ridiculous.

She pick that outfit for you?

It was a Christmas present.

She's up there, isn't she?

I can hear that hot little
heart beating.

Must drive you wild.

She risked her life
to save mine.

Last time I saw you,
you were running away.

Julius King had just nailed you
with a crossbow.

What were we supposed to do?

Wait for our turn.

Julius King is dead.

Bullshit.

I killed him.

With little help
from my new friend.

If he's dead, where's his body?

In the garage.

Show me.

I'm not asking.

Take me to him.

Fine.

Come in.

He's this way.

Olivia!

[Gasps]

Season's bleedings,
little bunny.

I'm Jackie.

What's your name?

JACKIE:
Oh, what's the matter?

Cat got your tongue.

Must be pretty comfortable
up here.

Sleeping with the door unlocked.

No crosses, no stakes,
just you all alone

in your little nighty.

He must have made you feel
real safe, huh?

Aww, sweet little bunny.

You don't know Luke like
I know Luke.

We've had a lot of fun times
together.

And not just in the ways
you're thinking about.

We've hunted together.

Killed together.

Drained the blood from hundreds
of tasty little bunnies

just like you.

You're lying.

[Screams]

[Laughing]

[Taking deep breaths]

[Gasps]

Luke, make her stop.

Yeah, Luke, make me stop.

[Chuckles]

Does he look like he's the boss?

No.

JACKIE:
He's too soft to be in-charge.

Look at him now.

All torn up
over one little bunny.

Let her go!

This house?

It's my house now.

That car in the driveway?

My car.

All your shit?

Mine.

And in exchange, I'll let you
hop, hop, hop out the front door

with the clothes on your back.

She'll freeze to death
out there.

Maybe.

Maybe not.

So what do you say?

You're just--
you're just gonna let me go?

Did I say that?

[Chuckles]

No.

You can go out the front door,

but you're gonna have
to run, girl.

JACKIE:
Faster than you're ever run
before.

How about I give you
a 10-second head start?

Just to make things interesting.

10, 9, 8...

[Laughing]

[Screams]

[♪♪♪]

[Screams]

[Laughs]

She got away, didn't she?

She'll be back.

They always come back.

And when she does...

[Grunts]

She's mine.

I'm bored,
let's go kill something.

[Inhales, coughing]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[Grunts]

Anyways I'm never fucking skiing
with that money again with her.

That's so fucking bullshit,
dude.

You say that every time
and you just go back again.

[Overlapping speech]

This time--

This time it's different.
This time--

Whoa.

Evening, boys.

Hey, what's up?

Hi.

You wanna go to a party with me?

[Taking deep breaths]

So like where's this party?

Not far.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Hey, how much further?

We're here.

[Growls]

[Screams]

[Gasping]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Severon Group.

This is Simon.

SIMON:
Hello?

I got this number
from Julius King.

He's dead now.

I'm listening.

Before I tell you
anything else,

I need to know
if I can trust you.

I'm not sure I follow.

Did the Severon Group really
kill off all the candy elves?

What the fuck is a candy elf?

[♪♪♪]

I don't know what to do.

They kicked me out
of my own home.

If I go back, they'll--

Could you send someone?

Another vampire hunter?

Like-- like Julius?

I'm afraid, we don't have anyone
like uh, Julius King.

SIMON:
He was the best of us.

He would always bring me back
gifts from his travels.

He meant a great deal to me.

But to answer your question,
yes, I imagine we could find

someone to send over
and solve your problem.

Oh, thank God.

How fast can they get here?

Well, let's see, uh...

Tomorrow's Christmas,
New Year's around the corner,

I think we could pencil you in
around June.

June?

SIMON:
Does that work for you?

The last three vampires
in the world

have taken over my home

and you are saying
you can't spare anybody

until June?

First of all, they're not
the last three vampires

in the world.

There's fucking thousands
of them.

Did a vampire
tell you that, too?

No.

Secondly, we're not exactly
Doctors Without Borders

over here.

We have limited staff,
limited resources.

This is all my fault.

I saved him.

None of this would have
happened if...

[Takes deep breath]

I have to take responsibility.

Ma'am?

OLIVIA:
Tell you what, Simon.

I've got a car full of stakes,
and garlic, and holy water,

and a big ass cross-bow.

What are you saying?

I'll wait until morning.

Then I'll kill them all.

I would strongly advise against
attempting anything

even remotely like that.

Hello?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[Grunting]

[Screaming]

Who's there?

[Grunting]

[Laughing]

[Taking deep breaths]

You missed.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[Panting]

[Gasps]

Bet you thought I'd burn
in the sun, huh?

But no!

It just hurts
really, really bad.

[Grunting]

Kind of like this.

[Groaning]

[Coughing & grunting]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Morning, bunny!

[Screams]

[Screaming]

Mmm, what have we here?

And where do you think
you're going?

[Grunting]

Let's see.

Garlic, cross.

More garlic.

Holy water.

Didn't Luke tell you this stuff
is pretty hit or miss

these days?

[Olivia grunting]

How do you like your stake?

[Laughing]

Jackie!

Get away from her.

Well, this is
an interesting development.

Stop right there.

Or what?

You'll kill me.

Yes.

Nah, you'd miss me too much.

You'd miss all the hunting,
and the killing,

and the fucking.

Drop the stake.

You may have tricked
little bunny into thinking

you're as sweet
as Count Chocula,

but I know you better.

You don't know me.

Whatever.

[Screams]

You really suck now,
you know that.

You used to be so fucking cool.

A few days with a baby-sitter,

and I don't even recognize
you anymore.

The power of Christ compels you!

[Laughs]

The power of Christ compels you!

Oh, stay with me, Luke.

You're gonna wanna see this
next part.

[Laughing]

[Chuckles]

Simon & Schuster.

JACKIE:
Wow, bunny.

You should have tried
self-publishing.

Now nobody gets to read
your shitty book.

Aw. Is little bunny hurt?

Let Miss Jackie
take the pain away.

[Grunts]

[Grunting]

Merry Christmas,
you undead bitch!

[♪♪♪]

[Takes deep breaths]

Olivia...

I was chased half-naked
into the freezing cold.

I had to spend Christmas Eve
in the backseat

of a dead guy's car.

I nearly got myself killed
by your psycho vampire friends

and one of them was like
your wife or something?

She wasn't my--

Christmas is supposed to be
about spending time

with the people you care about.

It's supposed to be about
opening up presents,

and listening
to Christmas music,

and eating,
and drinking too much.

It is not, I repeat not about
killing fucking vampires.

But you wouldn't know it from
looking at my Christmas,

would you?

Please.

You lied to me.

About killing people.

OLIVIA:
About who you are.

You lied to me about candy elves
which is a really weird thing

to lie about by the way.

OLIVIA:
Where did you even come up
with that?

I'm gonna ask you
some questions now.

And you're gonna tell me
the truth.

And only the truth.

Or I swear to God I'll shoot you
in the heart with this crossbow

and send you straight to hell.

She bit me.

Am I going to turn
into a vampire now?

No.

You swear.

She wasn't born a vampire.

She was turned.

Like me.

She couldn't change you
if she wanted to.

Okay.

Did you ever care about me?

Was any of it real?

Yeah.

And you really liked my book?

[Chuckles]

Yeah.

Except for Vladimir.

Is that the sweater I gave you?

Uh...

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

Hello?

JEN:
Merry Christmas, hermana.

Merry Christmas, Jen.

JEN:
Hang on, there's a few
other people who wanna say hi.

Hold on.

[Indiscernible speech]

Say Merry Christmas
to your Aunt Olivia.

JEN'S KIDS [Together]:
Merry Christmas, Aunt Olivia!

Merry Christmas, kiddos.

[Indiscernible lyrics]

[♪♪♪]

Thank you.

[Indistinct chatter
in background]

Make it out to Simon.

SIMON:
You seem to know a lot about
killing vampires, Ms. Romo.

Perhaps we can work on something
together in the future?

Thanks.

But I prefer writing about them.

[Indistinct chatter
in background]

What's your name?

Elizabeth.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

The signing in L.A. went well.

Great turnout.

Even better than San Francisco.

Blood...

Every one kept asking
when the next book

is coming out.

I told them the truth.

Well, most of the truth.

Blood...

I said I'd done a few drafts,

but I still need to hear
feedback from my muse.

How are your notes coming along,
by the way?

May I?

Blood!

OLIVIA:
Okay, no need to yell.

[♪♪♪]

Huh?

Well, this isn't
very constructive, is it?

Did you even read
my newest draft?

Blood.

[♪♪♪]

[Taking deep breaths]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]