Red Ramen (2016) - full transcript

I'm Kate McCartney

I'm Kate McLennan

We're Up Ourselves

and we're back with a newer, fresher, bigger

more absorbant, easier to insert
season of...

...the KATERING SHOW!

Welcome to our world!

How long do we have to stand here?

The Director just said until he calls CUT.

Who is the Director?
I don't know some cunt stunt

Welcome back to the Katering Show kitchen
...where absolutely nothing has changed



..Becauase we blew all our our budget
on that opening shot

...and isn't it great to be back, McCartney?

Yes
Isn't It?
I said yes!

And so much has changed

We're now getting paid minimum wage

McCartney is a more marketable colourscape

And the world is waiting for us to FAIL!

The Pressure is Overwhelming!

I can't breathe!

(I actually can't breathe)

In our first episode back we could choose to lampoon so many food trends

..because we have absolutely not spent the last 12 months on the couch with our tits out
watching the Good Wife

No we have not!
No we could take a sassy swipe

At crownuts those pasteries that look like a clock from a gingerbread man's autopsy.



Or tackle austerity cooking -
where rich people cook on a poor person's budget

...just 'cause it's fun!

Or take on saracha where...
I don't know what that is.

Sri·ra·cha.
What?
Sri·ra·cha so there's two r's

So it's pronounced sri·ra·cha right? That's how it's pronounced? Sri·ra·cha?
sr..sr...sr-a...

I 'm sorry! I'm sorry I'm just stressed.
You're just stressed

Yep.

But in this episiode we want to give back to YOU

our fans - who's fault all of this is!

We've been overwhelmed!
-with support

With Support!

Every day another devoted fan writes in

Oh McCartney's food intolerences are just like mine!

except they're not exactly like mine

Do an episode about me!
Me me me me me!

They also shout - Do more viral take downs of food trends you bitch!

When we're at the park with our kids!

Well great feedback!
(yeah!)

So We've had a think and a bit of a cry

and we have decided to take a sassy swipe

at RAMEN. And inner city food trend that's really overhyped
given what it is

We can relate

But not only that we are going to serve it and our many masters

up on our very own on-trend 'The Katering Show Popup Ramen Bar Restaurant'

And you and all your food intolerances are invited!

Are you Fk'n happy now?!!

Because if you are not, we will change it.

Ramen Bars are everywhere in the inner city; they are to laneways what syringes were in the 90s.

And they're full of non clad hipsters having conversations like
Ahh ! Im writing a 600 page novel about my sad dick!

I get my shoelaces ARTISAN tied

I'm painting my face like a skeleton for my mexican day of the dead party

But it's not offensive because i do makeup good!

James told me he wants to have a polylamorous relationship -
so now i have to have sex with the neighbors.

Music festivals!
Yeah! Music festivals!

We'll be making a Ramen five different ways to cater to everyone's
intolerances, beliefs, and abandonment issues.

First up in our Ramen five-way

We're going to make a Ramen burger.

Youll recognize these if you are a trend driving millennial like me

(you were born in the 70's!)

And then for McCartney and the rest of the people who need a feacal implant

We will be making a fodmap version

Where we take out the onion, garlic, and the noodles.

Next up a vegan Halal Kosher version

that takes out the pork and the eggs
but brings back in the onion, garlic, and noodles.

And then an anaphylactic version where we take out the eggs, but bring back in the latex free condoms.

And finally a pregnancy version where EVERYTHING's coming back in -
except the egg.

So there you have it - all the ingredients for our cheeky Ramen five-way.

Let's get started!

Christ! There are a lot of ingredients - aren't there.

Yes we have over-comitted in every single aspect of this entire enterprise.

Luckily I have my best friend McCartney here so i don't have to do it on my own.

While McLennon makes the Ramen on her own

I'm in charge of setting up our pop-up Ramen bar restaurant -
at it's top secret location.

Pop-up restaurants are just like normal restaurants, but they are cooler
because they don't have a toilet.

And with their modest budgets it takes a smart decorator -
to really make them pop. So...

This is Mclennan's garage.

Ok so I am cooking all the elements -
for our cheeky Ramen five-way

umm ... and there is a lot on the go.

But that's ok because I am a woman!

I am good at multi-tasking.

Ramen isn't something that you'd normally eat at home

because no one can see you doing it.

Sassy Swipe!

Ok...these noodles do need a bit of water.

They have adhered - to the bottom of the pot.

Modern restaurant decor uses junk as other junk

like pallets as furniture and old books as water jugs or whatever

so that's what we are going to do in our pop-up Ramen bar.

This is a boat motor. You can sit on it, you can eat off it...
(Sigh)...I don't give a shit.

Ok! So I have finally finished my Ramen burger

which I made on my own - without any help - from anyone.

Ok...I did miss a few steps

...becuase I pinned the recipe on Interest...P -pi-p-in - interest

Just so you know on other cooking shows some shit licker
would have already made this for me!

Ah for Fk sake!

ok ..its the booze revooze

And i've been told to tell you it's a special fan request

So let's just quickly do this.

ok.

Hi McCartney my name's Nathan

Hello.

And I'm allergic to alcohol.

Nate...

Could you do a Japanese inspired mocktail?

Sure Nathan. Um -ok - this is gin.

Gin is good for that time when you were laid off of your animation job

and you started drinking by yourself at a Pokies at 12pm
...and it was your birthday.

Um... For the non-alcolholic version, they can just take out the gin.

[Announcer] You can find interactive recipes from today on our TKS web portal

and don't forget to join in on the conversation - on snapchat!

Check out all the latest competitions, behind the scenes footage

and interviews with Fizzy and the Libra Fleur Hub-tet!

So here's our cheeky Ramen Five-Way

Isn't this a great meal to kick of season two with The Katering Show!

I don't know about you McCartney but i think this Ramen really lives up to my pretty unrealistic
and frankly unfair expectations

Oh I think it has exceeded them!

Cheers to that!

hhmmm - Is that straight gin?

It is!

Good on you!

And McCartney you have done a marvelous job of our exclusive Pop-up Ramen Restaurant -

Pop-up Ramen Bar.

It looks like a cyclone ripped through a caravan park.

Thank you! It's called Red Ramen.

You know - like
Red Ramen
Red Ramen

Ok!

And now let's bring in our competition winning super fans!

...yeah there are no fans here; we're scared of people.

And I only seem nice because Ive got fun hair.

Please don't crucify us though; we need this.

I cannot go back to selling tickets to Disney on Ice...I just can't!

We are trying - our Fking best!

Whew! I think we got away with that!

Yup!

Feel better?
No.

I'm going to scrub this until I hit bone.

What did they do to you?

You look like the Cardassian's addict Sister!

I know!

You look like an evil doll.

Yes! I feel like I am in a Jonbenet play

What are we going to do with all this food?

I don't know just chuck it in the compost.

What about the meat and the rats?

I can't be expected to cater to the rat's food issues
as well as all these other mother fkers!

How do the logies work?

Blow jobs.