R.I.P.D. (2013) - full transcript

After Nick is murdered by his own partner, he joins the Rest in Peace Department to protect the world from the undeads. While working with his new partner, many undeads are seen gathering in Boston. Soon he realizes that someone close to him is behind all a plot to bring on the apocalypse.

You think you've had a bad day at work?

I think I got you beat.

That's not me.

Nope, that's my partner.

Suck it!

There I am.

Three or four days ago,
I didn't know this world existed.

But three or four days ago,

I wasn't in the Rest In Peace Department.


I heard you coming a mile away.

Look at this, French girl gets
the drop on Boston's finest.

- You got the drop on me, huh?
- Mmm-hmm.

But I feel like a genius right now.

I couldn't have planned this better.

Well, genius, there is an
orange tree in the backyard.

How did that get there?

Oh, yeah, there is an
orange tree in the backyard.

How weird.


I don't know how it got here.

Me neither.

You know it's a symbol of prosperity,
don't you?

No, I've never heard that.

It is, yeah.
Ask anyone in Florida.

No, you're crazy.

This tree is never gonna
make it through the winter.

We might not make it through the winter

in this freezing little house!

I love our freezing little house.

You do, do you?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah?

But don't you want more?

You're always worried about money.

Don't you want
a real house? A car?

I don't worry about money, you do.

I have everything I need right here.

My husband, with me.

Well, you'll always have that.

I gotta go to work.

I'll tell you when you can go to work.

- Oh, really?
- Mmm-hmm.


Watch that ankle.
I love you, baby.

Bye. Love you.

Got my picture in a trophy case, I see.

Look at that.
Already immortalized.

Right place, right time.
What can I say?

- Hey, Bobby.
- Hey.

Murph! Jesus,
get a robe or something.

You're asking too much of that towel.

Morning, partner.

Hey, guys.

- Love to have you at the union meeting Monday.
- Oh!

- No, no!
- Sweet Jesus, Murphy.

I will shoot that thing.

That's pretty devastating.

It's gonna be a while
before I get that image out.

what did you do with yours?

- I buried it.
- Really?

I thought you were joking about that.
But it's not the worst idea.

It's gold,
you bury it. Right?

Listen, Bobby.

I'm out.

You're out?


Nothing has to change for you.

You do whatever you want,
but I'm putting mine in evidence. It's done.

Nicky, I said I would move it for us.

I'll take care of everything.

That's not what I'm talking about, Bobby.

I'm talking about the way
she looked at me this morning,

I knew.

Look, we went in there
to make a drug bust, which we did.

We didn't expect this gold
to fall into our laps.

We weren't looking for it, but it happened.

The way I see it,
you do it for Julia.

For your future together.
It's simple.

No, she's happy.
I'm not gonna risk that.

I'm sorry, buddy.

You're right.

I hate it when you're right.

We gotta turn the whole thing in.

There goes the speedboat.


You don't have to worry,
I'm not wagging my finger at you.

You do whatever you want to do.

No, it's bothering me, too.

So, let's grow old and poor together.

Listen up, we got Garza.
We got an address.

Wait, you got Garza?
You got actual eyes on him?

An informant gave up
his whole meth operation.

He's there, we got him.

Okay, we're in business, partner.

Get another picture in the trophy case.

You know how long we've been
waiting for Garza to slip up.

This guy's a meth dealer, a cop killer.
He's got 30 guys with him.

He's not gonna go easy.

Now, stand by for inspiring,

motivating words
from Detective Bobby Hayes.

How about we don't get shot today?

That's great advice.
You're a good cop.

Detective Hayes advises
we should avoid getting shot.

And also, everybody should put
their charm bracelets on now.

Hey, that's my grandmother's

Saint Christopher medal, jackass.

It's adorable.

I wear it for protection.

It's for protection?
Well, this stops bullets.

Yours stops you from getting dates.

Let's go!

Move it! Move it!
Let's go!

On my lead. Let's put
them on their heels.

Hey. Be safe,
will you?

Knock, knock.

Police officer!

Take the stuff out of here.

Bag the stuff!
Bag the stuff!

I see Garza.

He's on the catwalk!

Damn it! Garza's
out the south window.


- Whoa. That was close.
- What the hell are you doing?

You almost got me.


I can't let you turn that gold in.


My husband, with me.

Tough day.

It's normal to be
a little tongue-tied at first.

I want you to know
that I'm here to help you.

I've sat in that chair.

So take your time.

Ease into it.

Ease into what?

Come on, genius.
I know you can get there.

This is a joke.

Hilarious. Ha-ha-ha.

I'm dead?

Let's be honest,
being a dirty cop

is one of the higher
shot-in-the-face-percentage jobs.

That's not who I am.

Really, pretty boy?

How did it feel as you
were headed towards Judgment?


Feel like you were bound for glory?

Or were you a little worried
that you were going down?

I thought so.

You're lucky, Nick.

You have skills that we want.
So we're giving you a choice.

You can take your chances with Judgment,


you can join the R.I.P.D.

The R.I.P.D?

Rest In Peace Department.

I get it. It's cute.

Simply put,

we find dead people that have
managed to escape Judgment.

We ship them off back down
to where they belong.

The tour is 100 years.

If you say yes, we'll send you
back down to Boston, your home turf.

I'll do it.

That's not gonna work.

What's not gonna work?
I said I'm in.

I know what you're thinking.
You got rooked, you want your old life back.

You want Julia.

No. You asked me to help you,
and I'm here to help.

You really don't think I can read you?

I know everything there is
to know about you.

Don't squander this opportunity, Nick.

I know for a fact you can use a good

recommendation on Judgment Day, okay?

I think you're smelling what I'm selling.

Any more questions?

What's with the Steely Dan?

No idea.
It's always playing.

It seems to relax people.

- Let's do this.
- Yes, let's.

This will tickle a bit.

What the...

Clench 'em and get over here.

are you my lawyer?

Settle down!

This is holding.
We call them "Deados."

Until they pop, they
look like regular people,

so no one except us
knows they're monsters inside.

You see, if you slip through the cracks

and stay on Earth after you die,

your soul rots.

If they rot,
the world rots.

Global warming, black plague,
bad cell reception, get it?

Without the R.I.P.D.,

the world would have been overrun

by these dead people some time in 1954.

How is staying an option?

A hundred-and-fifty-thousand
people die every day.

This system wasn't designed to handle
that kind of volume.

Welcome to the big league.

R.I.P.D. Boston.

Before you are the greatest law officers
who ever lived and died.

We're the third biggest
precinct in the force.

What's the first?


R.I.P.D. Scottsdale
does a lot of volume, too.

Trust me, chest hair is
making a big comeback.

I'm telling you,
chicks dig it.

It's a lot to take in
on your first day dead.

But don't worry, your partner
will explain it all to you.

No! Get your
hands off me!

I said,
get your hands



Come on, Roy.

Oh, you come on.

Just because I'm the only
one willing to lethal-up.

Oh, Jesus.

No, you Jesus!

- Roy!
- What?

He was going for the door.

I'll plant a gun on him
if it makes you feel any better.

Would you like to take this up
with Eternal Affairs?

We both know what this is about,
don't we, honey pot?

Not the time, Roy.

Why not have it out now?
I'm comfortable.

Roy, meet your new partner,
Nick Walker.

We've been over this before.
I'm a one-man operation.

Not a choice, Roy.

No. You gotta earn that.

Come on, rookie.

Grab your huevos.

Please follow all posted regulations.

Department hygiene regulations
are for your benefit.

Tuck on in.
Don't be shy.

Goin' for a ride.

You ever think about
hiding this place a little better?

When was the last time
you got a VCR repaired?

Point taken.

That's right,
you're back.

Don't wet your pants
over it. Come on.

Don't wanna be late.
Proctor likes to

start you off with some closure.

Get in!

Disappointing turnout, huh?

Expected more.

We got a lot to talk about,

but for now,
I'm just gonna step back,

let you soak it in for a minute.

This moment is not about me.

This is about you

letting go.

Thank you for letting me soak it in.

- I'll wait for you.
- All right.

Do you know what my funeral was?

Watching a bunch of coyotes
pick my carcass clean

and drag my bones off into a cave.

A freaking cave, hoss.

Here it comes.

Be careful, now!

Julia? Julia!

I'm here. I don't
know how, but I'm here.

I'm sorry, I don't know you.

Can we just talk?
Can we just...

- Please don't touch me.
- ...go somewhere?

Julia? Hey, Julia!

What's your problem, huh?

You piece of shit.

Get out of here.
Just relax.

Get back on the meds, buddy.

Get him out of here!
Get him out of here!

Let me go!

That went well.

I tried to do something nice for you.

What just happened?

How could she not know it was me?

To them, you don't look like you,
you don't sound like you.

If you try to tell 'em who you are,
it comes out all garbled up.

The universe,
in its ultimate wisdom,

will not let you reveal yourself.

It's smarter than us.

That's sick.

Consider it the universe's
witness protection program.

So, what do I look like?


These are your IDs.

Some federal. A lot of utilities.
Whatever gets us access.

An old Chinese guy?

What about you?

Well, I guess you win, Roy.

Let me bring you
up to speed with what's on my plate.

When you ride with me,
you ride with the best.

The pace is lightning,
expectations high.

Things are gonna come at you fast,
they're gonna come hot,

and they're gonna come wet.


Learn to drive, bimbo!

You've done this before?

You're gonna get your feet
wet with a standard pickup.

Find the suspect and then test him.

See if he's a Deado.

And then...

Look at the ankles on that girl.

That's what you're into, ankles?
That's what does it for you?

In my day, women,
they dressed very conservatively.

Mmm. That makes you
way less creepy.

When exactly was your day?

1800s, buddy.

I'm what we used
to call a "lawman."

Marshal Roicephus Pulsipher.


It was considered
a very sexy name at the time.

It sounds like an STD.

Would you care to drive?

I didn't get a peek at your wife's ankles.

Not one more word about her.

Listen, rook.

You better work on getting a little distance,
because you two are over.

You just worry about yourself, partner.


You ain't my partner, rook.

You're just the ass in the
other seat until I say contrary.

I had a partner.

Greatest man I ever knew.

Right up until he shot me in the back.

That's what "partner" will get you.

Tell me about it.
How do you think I got here?

You got shot with a modern bullet.

I would've loved a modern bullet.
Sanitary, at least.

That's exactly how it felt as it
passed through my face.


The term "partner" died when I did.

You got it, Roicephus.

- "Roicephus."
- Roicephus.

Just call me "Roy."

I was gonna do that.

Or "Cephus."

Now, listen up.

This is tactical, rook.

A bag of Indian food?

Yeah. I got a tip on a
possible Deado in this building.

Now, listen and learn.

Deados put off a bad dead mojo.

Infect everything with their soul stank.

Infect everything for the worse.

People and things.

There you go.
Broken shit is a dead giveaway.


Soul killers.

Hit a Deado in the head with one of these,
and it's got to be the head...

Personally, I find
the face most gratifying.

...he's erased
from the cosmos.

Won't hurt live ones,
will hurt us.

So, you be extra careful
where you point that thing.

I'm pretty solid on gun safety.

I saw that ankle piece you're strapping.

Live-world gun don't
do diddly-squat here.

You can keep your
eyes off my ankles, thank you.

Watch me sniff this out.

Even more promising.

It's always the quiet one.

You ready? You pumped?

I need you all here.
Get your snowman on, get frosty.

Alert, icy-hot.

Is this you trying to sound like a cop?

Because it throws up
a lot of red flags for me.

You gotta learn the lingo,

I'm frosty.
Don't worry about it.

Senior officer gets to knock, rook.

I've got 15 years on the force.

Knock off the "rookie" bullshit.

Oh, you've done this before?

You know what's
waiting for you behind the door?

You can take your 15 years,
you can flush it down the toilet,

because this ain't that.

I knock, you do the cards.

Stanley Nawicki.

We're with the Department of Health.

Is there a problem?

Well, Mr. Nawicki,

we suspect that you might be dead.

Is this really necessary?

No offense,
but you sound kind of crazy.

None taken.

Just a routine test
and we'll be out of your hair.

I am not dead.

I mean, that's...
Check my pulse, go ahead!

Rook, first question.

"It's late on Ash Wednesday.

"An Asian teenager
in a slammed-out Acura

"offers you a plate of chicken vindaloo.

"Do you accept?"

How am I supposed to answer that?

You tell me.

Okay, the answer is no.

What's the problem?
Is it the teenager?

The ash?

Is it the Japanese performance sedan?

Maybe it's the Indian food.


Maybe you hate Injuns.

No. That's...


"The teenager is Armenian.
The day is Rosh Hashanah.

"The dish is saag paneer."


I don't want it.

Why not?

Too spicy? Too mushy?


- You can't eat during an interview.
- I don't want...

You don't what?


"The car is a lime-green Scion.
The season is the solstice.

"The dish is
chicken tikka masala."

- No.
- Yes.

- No.
- Yes, it is!

The dish is chicken tikka!
The dish is chicken tikka!

Oh, yeah,
that's a Deado.

Big old mouth coming in.

Feller was a snitch in life.

See, Nick?
Like that. Metaphorical.

For some reason,
Indian food seems to do the trick.

Maybe it's the cumin.

You can bag this one.
My treat.

No. I'm not
going near that.

Where's that 15 years now, frosty?

You gotta get comfortable with
the visuals and the smell profile.

- All right.
- Go on!

Spread 'em.
Come on, let's go.

Hurry up, let's get this over with.

Once they pop,
they know it's over.

Right, pal?

Put all your hands behind your back.

Stupid space cuffs.



You want it?


You got it!

Nick! Grab him!

Get the rest of him!


Holy shit.

Giddyup, pony!

Whoa! No, no!

Relax your body!


Relax body!

Give me a reason.

Doesn't have to be a good one.

Actually, doesn't even have to make sense.

Fun, right?

You might have noticed
we're pretty durable.

It still hurts.

That's why rook's the bottom.




I guess that's emotionally understandable.

You're really gonna rummage through that?

Brief after-action report.

Now, you were below average in the room,

but you did respond well to
my steering during the airborne portion.

Your internal organs provided me
a very soft landing.

You have a very impressive crumple zone.

With the exception of letting yourself

get attached directly to the beastie...

Stop talking.

...you were solid.

Stop talking.

- Just doing my job.
- Stop it. Stop talking!

You're the one who's talking.

You ran your mouth at my funeral.

You ran your mouth when you
pushed me out of a building,

and used my body as a cushion.

You've run your mouth
non-stop since the minute we met!

I think I know what's going on here.

No, no, no! Shut up!
You shut up and let me deal.

All right, you deal.
Deal with the upchuck.

Come to think of it,
with all this tantrumery,

I'm beginning to think that
I might have been a little too generous

with the "plus" on that C.

I might just have to lower your grade.

Relax body.

My hat!

My hat!

My hat!

New grade. F!

The bus, I can forgive.

My hat? I can't even
talk about that now.

Let's go, go, go!
Time is a factor. Let's go.

What the hell is this?
A fire drill?

I never seen it this busy.

Seems like every Deado
moved to Boston last week.

What did I say?
Get back out there.

No breaks for anyone
until this surge is under control.

If I didn't need you back on the streets...

What? You'd have my ass?

Don't be a cliché.

You let him get out the window.
Aren't you better than that?

You're the one who put me
with training wheels, here.

But go on, make a show.
Be the boss.

You still have a hard time with the
"boss" part, don't you?

You played the game,
got what you wanted.

I don't play the game.

And my ass is mine and mine alone!

Eagerly noted!

- Come on.
- It's flat, anyway.

Roy, Nawicki was trying
awfully hard to protect this gold.

Don't you think we should
try to figure out what it is?

Trust me,
it's nothing.

Ninety-nine percent of
these things are just

fundraising items for various religions.

Just crap.

What about the one percent?

That's why we lock them up in here.

Bag it,
tag it and bury it deep.

- Is that all of it?
- That's it.

Sign here, please.

Roy, listen.


Nawicki cared an awful lot about that gold.


He was trying to
hide it from us. Why?

So, now
you're all gung-ho, huh?

I'm thinking we should follow up.

Let me guess.
Genius has a plan.

Genius wants to get out
on the street and work this.

I think that you can help me with that.

You know why? Because every
great cop that I've ever known

has their own informant.

Big Roy...

Big Roy,
he's gotta have one.

You want an informant?

Big Roy's got the best informant.

Now batting for the Red Sox,
number 34, David Ortiz.

He's a pain-in-the-ass Deado.

All he cares about is the Sox.

So, I let him stick around
in exchange for information.


You're in mourning.
You got a hole to fill.

You know, I can't taste anything.

Of course not, you're dead.

R.I.P.D. don't eat,
we don't sleep.

You're here to kick Deado
ass, that's about it.

Then why would you eat this?

I enjoy the mouth feel.

How's it going, Elliot?

We're up.

But they're hitting like
crap. We'll blow it.

Knock yourself out.

Hello, Elliot.

One of your buddies was willing
to get erased for this.



That belongs in evidence.

I thought you were some kind of rebel, Roy.

I fought for the North.

Would you mind terribly
if I got back to my investigation?

Go continue your investigation.

Tell me what this is, Elliot.

That looks like a big hunk of gold.

Uh-huh. That's not gonna
cut it. Try again.

Hey! Hey! Get
your hands off me!

You behave yourself now, Elliot.

Because of me, you're sitting there
all cozy and not lying in a pine box.

Not walking the desert,
trying to get your femur back from a coyote.

You cops are all the same.

Always obsessing about how you bit it.

How was your funeral,

Did you cry when they gave your wife
that nice folded-up flag?


That's fun, right?

I think we both know there's
no Red Sox on the other side,

so why don't you cooperate?

I apologize for my poor attitude.

May I take a closer look, sir?

You may.

Look, I'm sorry to disappoint,
but this is crap.

Look, Deados,
they're sentimental.

A lot of them believe
in this talismanic junk.

If it was something else,
there'd be some chatter out there.

I would know.

All right,
we're done here.

These hats are crap.

Keep your ears open for me.

Yes, sir.

You gave him the gold?

Did you see him squirm?
We got him.

"Got him"?
What do you mean, "we got him"?

What did we get?

Tell you what he got,
he got the gold!

Which you gave him!

What the hell is the matter with you?

I'm pissed about my hat.

Well, then.
Looky, looky.

I'm gonna treat you
to a little modern law enforcement.

This is called
"giving the dog a bone."


What's he doing?

Okay, that's weird,

because that looks
exactly like your ex-partner.

The one who shot you dead.

Okay, I'm interested.
Color me interested.

This must be chafing you, huh?

First, the guy smoked
you like a knockwurst,

and now he's got guys
just handing him gold.

Let me think,
just let me think.

What's there to think about?
The man's just schooling you left and right.

Your own partner.

And the trifecta.

Sleeping with your wife.

Because this is your house, isn't it?

Total humiliation.

It's just a pants-down spanking
in the supermarket.

He's not sleeping with Julia.

Want to bet?

Yeah, let's.

Winner shoots the loser in the face
as many times as he wants.

I'm not 100 percent confident with my read.

Some cannolis from Mike's.

I was thinking how Nick used to

make us stop and get them for you.

Thank you.
Thank you, Bobby.

Hey, Julia, did Nick seem all right to you?

I mean, was he concerned about anything?


Okay. Okay.


I'm sorry I got to do this now.

Nick said he buried something.

If he's not sleeping with her,
it's kind of funny he's here, isn't it?

Unless you guys have a pact where he

scrubs the porn off your laptop for you.

I get that.

Classy, actually.

He gave this to me.
He knew I wanted it.

What are you saying, that he just
did this to hide something under it?

I don't know.

But I've got to take a look.

I was hoping I was wrong.

Really? He stole this?

Oh, God, I feel sick.

You crooked son of a bitch.
When were you gonna tell me about this?

- Put the gun down.
- Shut up.

Just get it away from me.
I don't want to see it.

Don't worry.
Don't worry about a thing.

He was my best friend.

I don't even know who he was.

Get off of me or I'll break your legs.

Explanation, now!

We took something
from a bunch of shit-rats

who would have turned it into guns
or drugs or who knows what.

It was a victimless crime.
End of story.

Why would the Deados want it?

You think Hayes and I
knew about this Deado shit?

It was just money to me.
I was trying to make our life better.

Well, you did a good job
of that, didn't you?

Why don't you go try
the Chinaman thing again?

Explain it to her.
That went well.

Try it again if it makes you...

Gold's getting away.

Come on, tighten up.

My wife sees me as a piece of shit.

Actually, she sees you
as an old Chinese guy.

And by the way,
Grandpa Chen's a pretty solid look.

Helps with stakeouts.

The only thing that I ever cared about
is what she thought of me.

That's all that matters.
The only thing.

What she thinks,
that's who I am.

And I blew that.
Destroyed it.


Excuse me?

You heard me. Boo-de-hoo.

You might be the worst
person I've ever met.

Sadly, you do not get to tell her
how you did it all for her.

And where exactly
do you think your tragedy ranks

on the scales of cosmic injustice?

Pakistan-earthquake level?

- Killing Fields level?
- For me, it was pretty big.

You think you're the only one
who was cut down in his prime?

You don't think I felt unresolved

as my face was being devoured by a buzzard?

Oh, Christ.

You are just gonna have to learn to
sit on your regret and pain

until it turns into
a dull, persistent ache.

The way I do it.
The way a man does it.

I do music videos.

Home phone number's on the back.

Excuse me?

I'm not a piece of meat put on
this earth for your gratification.

I'm a woman.

Respect me, or I will castrate you
like a three-year-old steer.

Look sharp.
We got something.

Oh, yeah, that's a Deado.

That has got to be Hayes' fence.

- We stay on the gold.
- I got this.

Hold up.
Daddy's on point.

No thanks,
I've seen you in action.

You questioning my methods?

You don't have a method.

Excuse me, sir.
A quick word?


Allow me.

My bad.

Let me guess.

R.I.P.D., huh?

Great looks, man!

You, with your Panda Express over there.

Easy with the racial.

And you,
with your...

Watch it!

...magnificent breasts.

Hey, sideburns,
tell us about the gold.

Look, we're all friends here.

Let's help each other out.

You don't want to get popped,
and I don't want to pop you.

- Oh, you don't?
- No.

So you're just gonna give us that case,
you're gonna start talking,

and then you get to keep roaming around

with your bitchin'
ginger sideburns.

You know what?

I'm sick of hiding.


Thank you.
Thank you very much.

That's better!

Hell, yeah. Let's do this!



Didn't contain!

Suck it.

- Oh!
- Straight butt!

Come on!

It's rodeo time.

Pappy's got some roping to do!

How about a little help?


- Are you okay?
- Somebody call 911!

I'm okay. Nothing to see.

Got to go!


The head!
Aim for the head!

Still here,
you son of a bitch!

Ow! My ass!

What is that?


Coming through!

- Excuse me, pardon me.
- Yeehaw!

Here I come!


Relax body.



Over here!

If it's not too much trouble.

Thank you very much.

I've never seen one like that before.


Never before has this happened!

Congratulations, guys,
on your unprecedented cock-up!

All right!

You let an exposed Deado loose
on the streets in the middle of the day.

You were supposed to contain.
That is your most basic job.

- There was no containing that thing.
- And you failed spectacularly to contain.

He's right, sweetie pie.
It was different.

We have evidence.

You don't investigate, you don't
get creative. You do as you're told.

When you don't,
this happens.

It was terrifying.

Whatever rampaged through
the streets of Boston today was not human.

Now look where we are.
You get to deal with them.

Who in this endless stream
of freaks is "them"?

Eternal Affairs.
The hammer's dropping.


They're pissed.

However, apparently,
you stumbled upon something important.

Don't act so surprised, honey pot.

The gold that officers
Pulsipher and Walker brought in

are part of an incredibly
dangerous artifact

known as the Staff of Jericho.

Oh, crap.

Maybe feather it in for
the new guy a little bit?

Remember the tunnel
we pulled you out of when you died?

That's the only way to get to the afterlife.
It's a one-way street.

This artifact, if built,
reverses the tunnel.

The dead rain down on the earth.

That's it for the living world.

Yeah, massive destruction.

We broke it to pieces 3,000 years ago.
Now it's back.

Until we get the rest of the gold,
we're on red alert.

Also, apparently, you need
"the blood of thine enemy."

There are more diagrams.


Why would someone make something like that?

Come on!

Here I am, willing the streets into order,

making headway,
year after dominant year!

And now, everything
I've done is being threatened

because of some ancient
totem forged for kicks

by some asshole 5,000 years ago?

Why even try?
I mean, how am I supposed to do it?

Look at you.
So proud of yourself.

"I got an important tube."


Well, what is it?


it looks like you two don't need to

concern yourselves with the red alert.

It brings me no pleasure

to inform you that
because of your recent epic failure,

you've both been suspended,
you're off the case.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?

Hold on a sec,
we are the case.

We're the ones who brought it in!

The feeling is that luck was involved.

There'll be a formal hearing tomorrow,

after which you'll most likely be erased.


So in this moment of crisis,
they're gonna suspend

and then erase their best officer?

And this other guy?

Better officers are taking over.

No such thing. Name one.

Jacobson, DuBow.

- Waterson.
- Come on.


- Jackson.
- He's pretty good.

That guy who works at the taco cart.

- Shall I go on?
- Okay, okay!

Tomorrow is my last day?

Most likely.

I'm sorry.

Well, shit.

Miss Proctor, it's been a delight.

Roy, thank you very much
for your mentorship.

I'm sure it meant a lot to you.

I got somewhere more important to be.

Who are you?

Why are you following me?

Stay away from me.

I haven't left you.

It's me.



You finally did it.

You get what you wanted?

I might get erased tomorrow.
What do you think I'm gonna do?

You're freaking her out,
if you haven't noticed.

I'm not from a time
of sensitivities and emotionalism.

And yes, in my day,
I bought my love by the hour.

But I do know that
what you're doing is not helping.

It's called haunting, hoss.
You're causing her pain.

Why do you think we're here?

Why we do what we do?

It's so that Julia can
have a world to live in.

And, yeah,
that means without you.

She needs to survive you.
Meet someone new, maybe have a family.

Because you are not coming back.


The job is all you have now.

Well, we don't have the job anymore.


Resolve your crap.
Do like me.

Like you?

Yes, emulate my peace.

Your Zen-like calm?

It's taken me a very long time
to achieve this state.

You could get there, too,
but for your weakness.

You know what?
I've had it.

I can't listen to one more self-righteous
chestnut out of your mouth.

I don't want to live
in your weird past with you.

Speaking of which,
those coyotes...

You be careful now.

Those coyotes who ate your bones
and crapped out your face?

In that story,
the coyotes are the heroes.


You may think the Old West
was all shits and giggles,

and sarsaparilla
and two-cent whores.

It wasn't!

It was smelly,
it was violent.

It was ridden with dysentery
and no-account Injuns.

I've had a lot of anger to get past, okay?

And you...

You, Nick, are bringing a lot of shit out

that I've been suppressing
for a very long time!

One of them coyotes,

he made love to my skull.

Do you know what that
practice is commonly called?

I do.

And I certainly hope he got both eyes, Roy.

like daggers stab our heart


Gotta be the betterman

The song is called Better Man.

Yeah, I got that.

they can break your heart


Like no coyote ever can

Maybe I took things a little too far.


I'm sorry.

You ought to take up an instrument, Nick.

It might be a tuneful way for you

to spend what may be your last moments.

You were right about the job, Roy.

We gotta get back out there.


If they want me back,
they're gonna have to beg.

I'm not gonna take
this lying down. You?

Are you gonna sit there and mope?

Or do you want to help me
stop an apocalypse?

When you put it that way, hell,

you kind of paint me into a corner.

I know Hayes is sitting
on some of that gold.

There's no way he's just a bagman.

Let me ask you something.

Did he like Indian food?

He was not a fan.

But something's bugging me.

I rode with this guy for five years,
I never noticed any kind of

"soul stank."

I heard talk of a rare kind of
artifact that could mask it.

Like a spiritual deodorant.

It would be something
he carried with him all the time.

Like Grandma's Saint Christopher medal.

That'd do her.

Let's go pop the son of a bitch.

Do you know what to do?

Oh, yeah. I've been
waiting a long time for this.

You've been waiting a long time?

Do you know how many years
Deados have been trying to pull this off?

Three thousand.

Not one of those jag-offs
could get all that gold together,

until me.

R.I.P.D. is not
gonna know what hit them.

Now, go find yourself some trouble.

My pleasure.

Hey, Julia.

Hey. I need to talk to you.

Something really strange happened to me.

What's going on?

I was at the track last night,

and do you remember
that guy at the funeral?

The little Chinese guy?

The one who was yelling?

Slow down, slow down.
Take a deep breath.

I don't know.
Somehow, I feel like

it's Nick who's trying to talk to me.


I know it sounds crazy.

I know you miss him.
I miss him, too.

I don't think you
should be alone right now.

I'm gonna come pick you up,
and I'm gonna take you to lunch

and we could talk about everything.

All right?


All right.
Thank you for this.

I'll see you later.

Take the front.
I'll go around back.

Works for me.

Bobby Hayes?


I need to ask you a few questions

involving a tandoori clay oven.

Sweetheart, you can
ask me anything you want.

Make yourself comfortable.

How about
a little drinky-poo?

Sure. I'll wet my beak.

Coming right up.

Are you looking for this?

Nice moves,


Hey, tough look to pull off.

I'm getting used to it.

You know,
it was just business.

Make a move, please.

Easy, Nick.

"It's late on Ash Wednesday."

We can skip that part, Roy.

Take off the Saint Christopher's medal.



Powerful stank.

Where's the gold,
dead man?

Check the water heater.

Freaking super cop, here.

All right, saddle up.

We're gonna ride you in.

I know it's wrong,

but the whole cowboy-talk thing,
it's kind of working for me.

What do you got to smile about?

Hey, how do you like working with this guy?

He hangs on a little tight to stuff, huh?

What we got together
is none of your damn business.

Where's the rest of the gold, Hayes?

See what I mean?
He won't let it die.

Hey, Nick,
remember when I got shot?

I got that medal, and you couldn't
believe I pulled through?

Wild guess,
you didn't pull through?

Get killed by some junkie and go to hell

because I took a little on the side
to pay for lap dances?

No. I don't think so.

Who gets to make that call?
I don't accept it.

Hey, let me ask you something.

What do you think eternal
punishment is gonna be like, Hayes?

Hell can kiss my ass.

I'm staying right here.

"Lap dancing."

That's a nice look you got.
That's nice, with the face and the hair.

All right, sit down.

Hey. You might
want to book that gold

before your partner gets his hands on it.

What's this?

That's personal.

Then it gets booked,

along with this gold that I brought in.

That's right, doll face.
Despite my chicken-shit suspension.

I'm available for
a tutorial-type thing,

if you or the guys want a few tips.

Maybe get yourselves up near my level.

Why did I have to love you?

We had a beautiful moment in time.

Catastrophic mistake.

Run it down,
but you felt what you felt.

Take a seat.

This is good,
it's gonna help me

get over the
shot-in-the-face thing.

Whatever is waiting for you
on the other side is gonna be bad.

Don't worry,
it's only forever.

Stash this gold with the rest of it.

And here.

Hey, we just booked
something just like this.

It's in the basket over there.

You're gonna need to fill out another form.

I'd love to. I've got
nothing else better to do.

There's one decent thing
about being a Deado, right?


We can't hear certain frequencies so well.


Come on, Nicky.

You thought I'd let you bring me here

if I didn't want to be here all along?

Isn't this thing sweet?

It freezes you guys up,
does nothing to us.

They got one of these
artifacts for everything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Go, go, go!
Come on!

Get the gold.
Take everything!

It's all there?



Fill up all these hands.
Come on!

Let's go! Let's go!

What's up?


Flush it.

No! The gold!

Here, boss.

I got it all.

I'm on it.

Daddy's got gold!

Let's build it, boys!


Oh, yeah!

Damn it!
It's jammed up.

Just like Main Street,
Dodge City.

Them dudes,

they picked the wrong venue
to make a stand.

I invented this shit.


I fixed it! Yeah! Phew!

Go time!

Let's learn you a few things
about Old West fighting.


only a novice hides in a church steeple.

It's the first place I'm gonna look.

Second place,
hotel window, every time.


I guess there's only
one novice in their crew.

Sometimes, the window guy is on the roof.

I haven't seen that before.

Must be the massive destruction
Proctor was talking about.

Saddle up!

Hey, Julia.

Hayes sent us to give you a lift.

Guys, I can still drive.

It's pretty hairy out there.

He's just worried about you.

Close it up.

All right. Lock it up.

Nobody gets through
to the Commonwealth building.


Looks like the big one is
right over the Commonwealth building.

That's where he'll be headed.

Yeah. Good read.

You're agreeing with me?
That's weird.

Yeah. Feels strange.

Kind of tingly.

Deados on wheels.

That's disappointing.

I was hoping to get a little break here.

Make it go away, Nick!

I got it.

Holy shit!

That actually scared the shit out of me.

Get the gold up top.

I gotta wait for the final piece.

Hey. Are you okay?

What the hell is going on?

Lots going on.
I'm glad you're here with me.

We need to get inside.

Listen. There's something
I should tell you.

It's something I've been hiding.

Bobby, I think it can wait.

And it might seem a little weird.

But I think you should just
try to keep an open mind,

and not judge right away, okay?



Skycam 4 is on the scene
with continuing coverage.

We are looking down on
the Commonwealth building

which is swarming with,
there's really no other way to say this,


I urge everyone to stay inside
until this situation...



Looks like they built a barricade.

And there's Fat Elvis.

Hit him in the jiggly.


Hi! Whoa!

Not bad!

My door!

Can't shake me!

Still here, dicks!


Relax body.


I hope they have an elevator.

Oh, shit.

Reverse the tunnel,
the dead come pouring back.

We stay here forever.

Kind of
a high-five moment.

All we gotta do is fire up this bad boy.



This is where it gets
a little uncomfortable.

There's no great way to say this,
so I'll just say it.

These ancient things,
they often involve an element of,

I don't want to say "human sacrifice,"

but human sacrifice.

I'll jump before you can even touch me.

Julia, come on. Be cool.

This is an honor.
I'm trusting you with the heavy shit.


Oh-ho! Just in time.

Bobby! Don't!



Nice shot.

I'm gonna go get Julia.
You take care of the Staff.

That golden pecker is coming down.

You frosty?

Icy hot, partner.

What now, Nick?

You know, it didn't have to be Julia,

but I just couldn't resist
bringing it full circle.

Come on.
It's good, right?


Get over here!

How's it coming, Roy?

It's harder than it looks!

Killing you never gets old, Nicky.

Any time now!

I hear you!

Come on, Roy!

Do some cowboy stuff!



There it is.


Well, partner.

I have a new partner.

I missed you.

I missed you so much.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's okay,
you're back with me now.

That's all I wanted.

But not like this.

you gotta live your life,

without me.

I don't want to say goodbye.

You can't stay here.

It's okay.


I will always love you.


She's gonna be okay.

Thank you.

You owe me for that.

Let's settle up.


I would like to be allowed
to design my own medal.

Not so fast.

The Eternals went ahead and had

your disciplinary hearing without you.

While we were saving the world?

Nick, as a new recruit,
you've been let off with a warning.


- Roy, as punishment...
- "Punishment"?

Yes. Fifty-three more years
have been added to your term.

Fifty-three years?

That's a lot.

This is
honky-tonk bullshit.

You just like having me around,
don't you, Mildred?

My hat.

You went off and found it?

I guess I could've bought you
flowers once or twice.

I like violets.

She "billy goat-ed" me.

It's something we used to do.

Why she covers up them
ankles with them damn white boots

I'll never understand.

Fifty-three more years, huh?

Well, I still got some things to work on.

Hell, this is the third time
I've been extended.

Oh, say, I got you something.

What's this?

I knew you weren't happy with Grandpa Chen,

so I pulled a few strings,
got you some new ID.

Thank you.
Thank you, Roy. I mean that.

This is great.

Oh, you gotta be shitting me.

I did what I could.
Inventory is what it is.

You thought this was an improvement?