Pussycat, Pussycat, I Love You (1970) - full transcript
An American playwright living in Rome consults a quack psychiatrist to combat his fears of balding and save his failing marriage.
♪ If you'll open up your soul ♪
♪ And let my love come in ♪
♪ If you'll spread
your lovely arms ♪
♪ The sky will start to spin ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Aren't you feeling a
great big vibration ♪
♪ And a warm flow
of anticipation ♪
♪ With a flood of sensation ♪
♪ You know that in the end ♪
♪ You'll give in ♪
♪ Groove into it ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Just let yourself
groove into it ♪
♪ Come on move into it ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Be free and you'll
groove into it ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I wanna move and groove and
move and groove and move ♪
♪ And fill you with my love ♪
♪ On the soft sand of a beach ♪
♪ All warm upon your skin ♪
♪ Let the juices of a peach ♪
♪ Go runnin' down your chin ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Let's go diving in
Pussycat fountains ♪
♪ Let's go climbing in
Pussycat mountains ♪
♪ Let's walk the clouds ♪
♪ Let's fly the wind ♪
♪ Let's touch the sun ♪
♪ So groove into it ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Be free, just groove
into it Come on ♪
♪ Come on, move into it ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ You'll see you'll
groove into it ♪
♪ I wanna move and groove and
move and groove and move ♪
♪ I wanna groove ♪
♪ Pussycat, Pussycat ♪
NARRATOR: Rome,
the eternal city.
The Colosseum,
a monument to Julius Caesar.
The Trevi Fountain,
a monument to Pope Alexander.
Piazza Navona, a monument
to the great Bernini.
St. Peter's, a monument to God.
[HONKING]
The traffic jam,
a monument to Henry Ford.
[ALL HONKING]
Fred Dobbs.
He's more worried about
losing his hair
than losing his wife.
Right now he's late
to his appointment
with his scalp therapist.
This man.
Anna, my dear,
may I see you a moment?
His name is Dr. Fahrquardt.
He has no degree.
That's his name.
Like yours is Irving,
his is doctor.
Meet Anna, the doctor's wife.
Few of us are happily married,
but this is ridiculous.
[DR. FAHRQUARDT GRUNTS]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[VEHICLES HONKING]
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Tell, come on. Tell me.
I'm losing my hair,
I just know it. Look.
Let me worry about your hair.
Now, just tell me about
all those girls, eh?
NARRATOR: Dr. Fahrquardt is
interested in Fred's sex life
because he gets none of his own.
Having met his wife,
you can understand why.
Who said anything about girls?
I did. Just now.
Didn't you hear me?
What's the matter?
You losing your hearing,
too?
Too? Then I am losing
my hair. You...
Even as we speak.
But so long as
these two hands...
God bless them....keep their skill,
you'll have a little
something left to comb.
NARRATOR: This clown
really believes
he's a scalp therapist.
The sad thing is
his patients believe it, too.
I...
just couldn't stand being bald.
Who could?
It's disgusting.
All that empty space
gleaming up at everybody
like an undiapered baby.
Oh, it's obscene.
No more so than your dream
about being shipwrecked
on that desert island.
Just you and that male gorilla.
[GASPING]
Low pain threshold, eh?
You must have been pretty
scared of that gorilla.
Terrified.
Perfectly normal.
Well, the hell he was.
He fell in love with me.
I love you.
I ran.
Oh, masculine protest, eh?
Then why can't you run
from those girls?
It's not the same thing.
You're right...
You're, you're right.
You're right. I can't say no.
My darling wife, for example.
DR. FAHRQUARDT: To whom you're
criminally unfaithful.
My Mistress Ornella.
With whom you've had your way,
as the old books put it.
And some of those old
books put it rather well.
I bet you underlined
all the hot passages.
You sex clod!
It's like a disease.
And then this wild,
new pussycat.
What? Gwendolyn.
Gwen-do-lyn.
I hate to tell you
about Gwendolyn.
What hate?
It's the least
you can do while
I stand here
trying to save
your morally
exhausted hair.
I am most grateful.
As well you should be.
Without me you'd be
a melon with eyes.
Now tell me about this...
Gwen...
I couldn't say no to Gwen.
She was cold, unattainable.
The absolute end.
Oh, a real pageant, go.
FRED: We were alone together,
by accident.
DR. FAHRQUARDT: Gwen...
I don't care if I am
your wife's sister.
It's more erotic this way.
Right.
If it happens,
it happens, Pussycat.
Let nature take its course.
Right.
I dig nature.Right.
It's beautiful. I dig nature.
Start digging.
[WATCH BUZZING]
My time's up.
But time...
What is time when
scalp-wise a scientific
breakthrough is imminent?
Easy, now, easy,
Victor Vicarious.
You interested in
my scalp or my women?
Oh, don't give me
that holier-than-thou
attitude, Clyde.
If just once
I treated your rapidly
vanishing hair
without checking on
the distaff action,
you'd choke with frustration.
You dig re-living it.
That's how sick you are.
No.Yes.
No.Yes.
No! Yes!
No! Yes!
No! Yes!
No! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Desist, sir!
Cease these unmanly
tears immediately,
or I shall be forced to lock
you in the little dark room.
Ah?
Now, calm for your own good.
Tell?
You bet your scalp.
FRED: It all started at
the Battle of the Bulge.
DR. FAHRQUARDT: The Battle
of the Bulge?
FRED: A ladies' reducing salon.
Oh, they take men on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
DR. FAHRQUARDT: And you
went on Friday?
FRED: Well, I am, er, normal.
[WOMEN GIGGLE]
Good afternoon, Madame.
My name's Liz.
I hope you enjoy
your massage.
[GASPS]
Hello.
[WHISPERS] I don't know
who you are,
but get the hell
out of here before
I call the polizia.
Pussycat,
if you were going
to call the polizia,
would you be whispering?
I'll give you that.
What do you want?
Don't you remember?
My name's Fred C. Dobbs.
From that big party
at the villa.
Oh, yes.
How've you been? Very well, thank you.
And you?
Fine, thank you.
And now that the social
interlude is over,
kindly get the hell out
of here or I'll lose me job.
Oh, you disappoint me.
A pox on your
disappointment. Out.
[SCREAMS] A man.
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
[BARKING]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, that was a good one.
Well, one does one's best.
One got one fired
from one's job.
I'm terribly sorry.
Look, it wasn't my fault.
I didn't know those
women were going to
react like that.
Promise to make it
up to one in a big way.
'Ow big?
Modesty prevents
one from saying.
Does one live far? Near.
Good. With one's mum.
Bad.
Look, maybe we can save
it for another night.
Don't let's lose one's head.
One's losing one's mood.
I'll come up with something.
Fernando. Fernando?
Fernando. Fernando?
Look, did I wake you?
Is it really?
You're right, you know?
Quarter to 5:00
on the button.
Right.
Fever?
A hundred and four?
Listen, Fernando.
Make sure you get
plenty of Aspirin
and hot juices.
Fernando, I need a favor.
Would you mind going
to an all-night movie
for a couple of hours
and letting me use your place?
[HANGS UP]
Fernando?
Fernando, pronto.
Fernando, pronto.
Pronto, Fernando.
Fernando, pro...
We were disconnected.
That usually 'appens
when the other
party hangs up.
Look, it's late.
I'm tired.
I want to go 'ome.
Go home?
But we haven't eve...
We...
We haven't.
Well, let's say we have.
I'll back you up
if you want to brag
to your friends.
You've got me all wrong.
I'm a gentleman. I would
never dream of talking...
Unless it actually 'appened.
Well, of course.
Well, let's say it did.
You know, mentally.
Mentally?
Somehow or other it's
not quite as much fun.
I didn't think it would be.
[GIGGLES]
You can't leave me
here like this.
Oh, no! But I've got a car.
That's the first nice thing
you've said to me tonight.
Fernando?
Fernando, how you feeling, kid?
Any better?
[WHISTLES] That high, huh?
Well, we won't be using your
place after all, she's got
a car. Now listen, Fernan...
Hold on a moment, would you?
My dear.
Man talk.
If Millie calls, I'm with you.
If Ornella checks,
the same goes for her.
Goodbye. Hm?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, Millie is my wife.
Ornella's my mistress.
Fernando,
you've got to remember.
Millie, wife.
Ornella, mistress.
Write it down.
Hm?
Get up and get a pencil.
Well, open the oxygen tent
and get one from the doctor.
Well, ask the priest
if he has one.
[HANGS UP]
Fernando? Fer...
Fernando? Pronto!
He's got a lot
to learn about
being a true friend.
So, how was it?
Huh? Beautiful.
I loved it. Who doesn't?
Still I'm eaten up
with guilt.
Millie, my poor wife.
Oh, don't be such a worry wart.
You know the saying
"Worry and care will
make you lose your hair."
That's an old wives' tale.
How many bald old
wives do you know?
It's amazing, Doctor.
After a session with you,
I feel so completely
unburdened.
Incredible what you
accomplish with a mere
scalp treatment.
What scalp?
I treat the total man
from head to foot.
With a stop in between
at the wallet.
Which reminds you...
Tomorrow. And tomorrow,
and tomorrow.
And you'll tell me the
details about the dream
you're going to
have tonight about
the gorilla.
I am not going to dream
about that gorilla.
Oh, the gorilla.
He's closing on me.
He's gaining on me. The gorilla.
The gorilla. Oh. Oh. Oh.
That dammed gorilla.
A gorilla?
He almost caught me
this time
and it's all that...
That Dr. Fahrquardt's fault.
A gorilla, Fred, a gorilla?
A big, hairy,
horny, crazy,
in-love gorilla.
I'm losing my hair. I...
Good night, Milton.
I'm Millie. Who's Milton?
What? Milton?
Who's Milton?
I don't know any Milton.
Buona notte.
Talk about it in the
morning, please.
Buono notte.
That's it.
What's it?
Gorilla's name.
Milton?
[PHONE RINGS]
Pronto.
Just a moment.
It's Monsieur's
tennis instructor.
Pronto!
Darling, I must see you.
Yes, I know.
A little more zip
with my back hand.
I miss you terribly.
I know. Well, keep
the court reserved.
We'll play later.
Oh, morning coffee.
With the world's
penultimate Pussycat.
Who could ask for anything more?
You, obviously. Huh?
Fred, supposing a couple
that married very young.
Twenty, as we did?
As we did, yes.
Supposing this couple
found that they were
no longer in love.
Were they at the beginning?
Oh, yes, I think so.
At least they thought they were.
They're still deeply
fond of each other.
Deeply fond is a hell of a
distance from in love.
True. But they're still young.
And they still have illusions.
Illusions?
Romantic.
Are there any other kind?
Those, my dear, are delusions.
Be kind, Fred.
They've got to have something.
They don't have children.
Neither do we,
but we don't snivel
about it, do we?
Speak for yourself.
Very well, I will.
What this girl should do
is find something to
occupy her time.
Charity work. Needlepoint.
Rolling bandages
for the Great War.
What Great War?
Any great war.
Tell her to keep busy.
The devil makes
work for idle hands.
Exactly, affairs. I...
I told her this.
It can be dangerous.
On the other hand,
how is she going to
find "Mr. Right"?
Mr. Right?
God, how old-fashioned.
It's only old-fashioned
if she doesn't find him.
And she's not getting
any younger.
And, and how is she going
to find him if
she doesn't go
looking?
Looking?
Mmm.
Looking?
Oh, well, that's
certainly not
old-fashioned, is it?
No.
But if she does find Mr. Right,
it's everything, isn't it, Fred?
Mmm?
Of course it is,
old girl, but...
Well, I thought
you said she was married.
She is. But it didn't take.
Like a weak vaccination.
You seem awfully concerned
about her but not a
moment's thought about him.
Oh, Fred, how unfair.
To her, she worries
about him all the time,
feels guilty...
Guilty? About looking for
somebody else.
Could he manage to get
along without her?
I mean, he's never,
well, sort of grown up.
By choice.
By choice!
Tell her not to worry.
For him the world
is full of girls.
The safety of numbers.
Where he doesn't have
to commit himself.
Make a decision or even
change his dialogue.
Just change girls.
You're making it sound
like a play.
Why don't you
write it, Fred?
A new idea for a comedy.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's very dramatic.
If I dream it tonight,
I'll give it to the gorilla.
The gorilla? Oh, yes,
he can certainly
write a better play
than I can.
And now, please,
let us end this
interminable conversation
which seems to be
hitting closer and
closer to home.
I meant it, too. I know.
That's why I want it to end.
The gorilla can certainly
write a better
play than I can.
Why?
Why, you ask?
I didn't.Exactly.
Because with a bunch of
bananas and a warm cage
he's got it made.
He's not overdrawn
at the bank as I am.
Next time you get
a tax attorney, get one
who's been to college.
[SCREAMS] It's hot, Millie.
Er, Madame.
Millie, Millie, I'm burning.
Please, please! Quick!
Butter.
Butter? Butter for what?
My lord,
it's scorching,
and you're talking about butter.
Butter for a burn.
It's a known fact.
That's not where I got burned.
NARRATOR: Could that beacon
of skin really be...
Golly goodness, it is.
Dr. Fahrquardt!
How dare you come in
here when I'm nude?
Besides, I'm giving
hydro-therapy.
Hydro-therapy to whom?
To me, you marching moron.
I'm just as sick as
anybody else.
You have a victim waiting.
Patient. And get out
of here or I'll break
every bone in your head.
Don't threaten me,
you pontifical quack.
I have hated you since
the moment I married you.
Your pores are too large.
You have pore slop.
One step and I scatter
your brains.
Twenty years for hitting
a man who's wearing glasses.
You fat fool!
[YELLS]
[SCREAMS]
Swine!
[LAUGHS]
May the student riots
re-occur in your stomach!
If Monsieur's tennis
instructor calls again,
what do I say?
Tell him I'm having my
racquet re-strung.
One of these days, Madame may
beat me to the phone.
That has the ugly sound
of blackmail.
What you need is
a secretary you can trust.
Someone like my niece,
Angelica.
Someone young and active.
Who's young and active?
My niece, Angelica.
Er, Monsieur has agreed
to interview her.
I've agreed to, er...
This afternoon.
This afternoon.
This afternoon I've
got to visit my sister
at the hospital.
FRED: Gwendolyn?
What's wrong with her?
Her back. It's all scraped
from sand at the beach.
FRED: Her back? How did...
Ah, well, that's what
you get through
digging nature.
What? Give her a kiss for me.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[SINGING IN ITALIAN]
Well, stop looking
back. So I started
a little fire.
Happy birthday, Fernando.
[WOMAN CONGRATULATING
IN ITALIAN]
ALL: Happy birthday, Fernando.
[GUESTS APPLAUD]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
It's good to be a chick.
You're beautiful.
I'm pregnant.
It's your eyes, mostly.
They're luminous.
You wouldn't marry me
even if I were
carrying your child.
Your mouth, too, fascinating.
You've lost me. Goodbye forever.
I love you.
Don't you want to
give your baby a name?
Thank you, but that
won't be necessary.
I've just decided to
think positive thoughts
and not be pregnant.
Positive thoughts?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
The question is,
will you or won't you
take off your clothes?
Oh, hell, if it means
that much to you.
It does.
Ah, paradise.
[MOANS]
Hey,
it's you.
The model from the
dirty postcards.
And you must be the creep
that bought the whole pack.
I am. I am.
I love you.
Frankly, I love you, too.
Go on. Go on.
Ooh!
Happy?
Not until you marry me.
And what do we do
about my husband?
MAN: Fernando,
happy birthday! WOMAN: Happy birthday!
Exactly what I have been
doing about your husband.
Deceiving him. You swine!
[LAUGHS]
Poor, oh, poor Moira.
You, you're not
still living with
that person, are you?
Gian Carlo?
No, but he's still
in my drama class.
Good. Drama. Good. Good.
I think you're so beautiful
and I do think you can
give of yourself.
Oh, I can, I can.
No, no. No, no.
No, I meant as an actress.
Mmm. Oh, that, too.
[GROANS]
Harvard?
'65.
Navy? Intelligence.
Banking? National Trust.
Homosexual? No.
Pity.
I could learn.
Too late.
[INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING]
Have you ever heard him speak?
No. But then,
I only studied with
him for five years.
[SHUSHING] I think he's
finally going to speak.
You've chosen a difficult
path, my children.
Why, Master?
With all these beautiful
broads, a Yoga can get
pretty horny.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey...
With your permission,
I make the cut in.
Signorinadances
with great abandon.
It's signora. And grazie.
Signora, we shall make love.
Oh, smashing! Here and now?
No, no, no.
Ahone via Mabrizi, Apartment B.
Back where I come from,
we don't hold with
ditchin' a woman.
You're lookin' to get
a nice big cross
burnt on your lawn.
Cute but emotionally disturbed.
She's from Alabama.
I'm from the
Via Veneto and I'm
disturbed as hell.
Scusi, signore. I will leave.
You won't forget?
How could I?
I'll look for the
first lawn with
the burning cross.
Won't forget what?
His address.
He wants to make love.
Oh, he does, does he?
[SINGSONG] Doctor.
Doctor, that's a laugh.
[TRACKER CRACKING]
[SINGSONG] Doctor.
There are two schools
of thought on the science
of scalp therapy.
The day school
and the night school.
[WOMEN LAUGH]
[EXCLAIMS]
Wunderbar!
And you, my dear,
are going to be
the first one in.
Champagne tickles my nose.
Imagine what it is
going to do to the
rest of you, eh?
[ALL GIGGLE]
I want to thank you, Doctor.
About what?
The bubbles tickling everything.
Oh, yes.
[DR. FAHRQUARDT CHUCKLES]
[WOMAN GASPS]
No!
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
No!
No! Don't!
I, I, I'm a sick man.
Er, er, medical doctors
will tell you I'm a sick man.
Not, not bad just sick.
[SCREAMS]
[LAUGHS] You missed me.
[SCREAMS]
You, cretin! You could
give me an infection.
You are the woman
with whom I am in love.
Yes.
But what would I be
worth if I were just
an ordinary call girl
from the Piazza di Spagna?
Priceless.
There's just no way
to judge a value
like yours.
Priceless? Really? Really.
Oh.Astronomical.
The Mona Lisa perhaps.
Oh?
Then I'm not priceless.
The Mona Lisa has a price.
Actually, you've insulted me.
You've made me feel like
that call girl from
the Piazza di Spagna.
Fine. And I'm your best customer
who has just given you
the Mona Lisa.
I don't want to be known
as the girl who went to
bed with a man who was
stupid enough to give
away the Mona Lisa.
My mother was right,
I should have been a priest.
[AGREEING IN FRENCH]Is he asleep?
He fell asleep
immediately after.
After what?
He closed his eyes.
Merci, Flavia.
I appreciate your loyalty.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Does Monsieur talk in his
sleep sometimes?
Sometimes?
All the time.
That's how I get my information.
NARRATOR: 1:00 in Rome
means siesta.
Everybody goes to bed.
The square ones even sleep.
[MOANS]
Now, where were
you all week,
Federico?
Home.
Married men always
have a perfect alibi.
They were home.
What can you do there
you can't do here?
Mia cara. Call it habit,
superstition or what you will,
but I can only work
in my own chair,
at my own desk,
in my own study.
Your own desk?
Your own chair?
Your own study?
All duplicated by
your own decorator.
Aren't you pleased?
Pleased? Where's the fun
if I think I'm home?
Where are you going? Home.
You are going back
to that woman?
It's perverted!
That woman happens
to be the mother
of my children.
You have no children!
If you go away now,
I'm going to
kill myself. I will.
FRED: Ornella, you are
a spoiled juvenile.
Whenever we argue
you take sleeping pills
in massive doses.
If all the pills you've taken
were outside of you
instead of inside of you,
you would look like
a beaded dress.
[LAUGHS]
[AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING]
Oh, Doctor. I am so ashamed.
Excuse me, but I am the doctor.
I don't remember
calling for
a consultation.
Believe me, my dear,
you have absolutely
nothing to be ashamed of.
Doctor. Doctor! Doctor, please.
Please!
Please!
Please!
I didn't call you
for her. It was for me.
I was afraid the shock
would be terrible
for my hair.
Good thinking.
And incidentally,
don't let her hang herself.
It would be terrible
for her hair.
NARRATOR: 4:00 means
back to work for the, uh,
squares who slept at 1:00.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
If we ever get out
of this alive,
I'm coming back for you.
Oh, when Mr. Right comes
looking for me,
I hope he looks like that.
Mio tersoro.
For the first time
in my life,
I am in love.
There's no need
to say that, Max.
Max? Max, or Franco. Whatever.
The names are interchangeable.
Like the words
"for the first time
I'm in love."
It's not necessary to say that.
But what else can I say?
You might say I'm pretty.
Oh, yes, you are. Fantastic.
Good.
Umm... You might say
you're glad I'm here.
Glad? I'm the hap...
That will do fine. Thank you.
And, now, if you
want to seduce me,
go right ahead.
What's the matter?
It's just that I don't
want to be Max or...
Whatever.Yes.
I am Franco. Myself.
I'll try harder.
You certainly know
how to spoil
a Roman afternoon.
Forgive me, Franco. Huh, Max.
[GLASS BREAKS]
"Next time
"a burning cross."
Something you did?
Something I didn't.
Where's Mrs. Dobbs?
Out.
Mr. Dobbs... Now remember I haven't...
BOTH: Left the house.
Exactly.
My niece is here. This afternoon I'm not
interviewing nieces.
This afternoon,
I am working on plays.
Oh.
[WHISTLING]
Now hear this.
You are working for me.
Not vice versa.
One more such outburst
and I trade you in
for a quill pen.
All right?
Right.
[MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
THEME PLAYING]
Ridiculous!
[SCREAMS]
Mr. Dobbs,
this is my niece, Angelica. You're hired.
FRED: I'm an author. FLAVIA: I told her.
I work irregular hours. I told her.
Nights, weekends. I told her.
As to salary,
I think... Five hundred, I told her.
Fine, you're obviously
eminently qualified.
[THANKING IN FRENCH]
We are very grateful.
You, uh...
You do type a bit,
don't you?
Ninety words a minute.
Shorthand? One hundred and eighty.
And...
Thirty-eight, 22, 35.
That is disgraceful.
38 words a minute?
That's inadequate.
Hello, darling.
Have you met Flavia's
niece, Angelica?
Buon giorno, Angelica. Pacere, Signora.
Signore.
You're thinking Fahrenheit.
I mean 38 words centigrade.
Ooh, of course, yes.
Well, that would
make a difference,
wouldn't it?
No, it's out of
the question.
You're far too young.
When I need you most,
you'll be stoning the
US Embassy.
FRED: How's Gwendolyn,
darling? Who?
Your sister. You said
you were going to
the hospital to see her.
Oh, yes.
Her flu is much better. Flu?
On top of her scraped back?
No, no. In her chest.
In her chest.
Arrive derci, Angelica.
Arrive derci, Signora.
I'm sorry, Flavia. I thought
you were eavesdropping
at the other door.
That's the way
the photographer
stared at me.
The photographer?
'Course. I saw you
at my barber's.
Your barber? Mmm.
New issue of Playboy.
You were the
centerfold. Very lovely.
[THANKING IN ITALIAN]
Grazia a re.
My barber thanks you,
too.
Tell me, didn't your mother
mind you posing in the nude?
Oh, very much.
I beat her out
of the job.
That's all for now.
I'll let you know in
a few days.
And... that's it?
There's more?
Well, under the circumstances.
Count to three.
Yes.
Three.
What?
Admittedly, darling,
it does look a bit...
It does look a bit odd, but...
Odd? Why?
Merely a playwright and his
secretary hard at work.
Careful, I'm going to jump.
I see you got the job.
Er, nothing's been decided.
No, just leave your address
and telephone number,
would you?
Hotel Albergo. 6-8-9-2-5-1.
Shall I write it down?
Oh, not necessary.
He'll remember.
Graziafor considering me.
Arrivederci, signor.
Signora.
Are you hiring her?
Oh, absolutely not.
I was looking for a plain,
colorless secretary.
Someone who blends
into the furniture,
instead of climbing all over it.
Oh, for God's Sake,
she looks like
Brigitte Bardot.
Bardot, eh?
I'd love to get into her hair.
Doctor.
How many times have
I told you not to
disturb me when...
Doctor?
FRED: Doctor! Doctor!
I just got here.
Well, how time flies when
one is having fun, eh?
How long was I in there?
Please, don't involve me.
I am Swiss.
Not even ten minutes.
[DR. FAHRQUARDT SINGING]
Doctor!
Don't you ever knock?
I'm sorry.
Bardot, eh?
Are you spending
the weekend
with Brigitte Bardot?
Her name is Angelica.
Mmm. Give me all
the torrid details,
you fiend.
Don't be so diffident.
I just met her
and she's perfect.
Perfect? Perfect for what?
My secretary.
Even though she's a teenager...
Teen? Teen?
How teen?
13? 14? 15?
Stop me when I get to your card.
Eighteen. But she
types 90 words a minute
and her shorthand is...
As if you cared.
A hundred and eighty.
What you really want,
you hypocrite, is...
Thirty-eight, twenty-two,
thirty-five.
God bless her. Bardot, eh?
Bardot, huh?
This girl happens
to be called Angelica.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
If you could
stimulate my memory.
Do you take
Diners' card? Con placere.
Ah, it comes to me.
You must mean
Angelica St. Pierre.
ANGELICA: SignorDobbs!
Ah-ha, you were right. Bardot.
ANGELICA: I wasn't
expecting you.
So I gather. I, er,
just came by
to tell you,
you are hired.
You mean, I'm your secretary?
As of right now.
We're going
to Castelli.
Ah-ha-ha. Hi. Castelli.
Work on the play.
That's exactly what
I had planned
but with Dr. Ponti.
Look, who is this
Dr. Ponti? My ex-boyfriend.
Well, how ex? I mean,
last year, last month,
last week?
Last night.
We broke up over you.
He's quite jealous.
Ha-ha!
Jealous?
Well, I, er,
I mean he hardly
knows me and,
er, neither do you
in the, er,
biblical sense.
No. And I told him
you were
a perfect gentleman.
FRED: Thank you. ANGELICA: And charming.
Considerate. Handsome.
Also quite dashing. Dashing? Me?
Definitely dashing.
Oh, it's absurd.
I mean, I do have
a certain flair,
but,
dashing?
I wouldn't say that.
Really. I...
Neither would I.
I'm not supposed
to be
dashing to you.
You said you were going
to Castelli with
Dr. Ponti, yes?
Yes. They're making
a movie near there.
The director's my ex-boyfriend.
You ex around
pretty good,
don't you?
He wasn't jealous,
this director?
Oh, no.
This time I was.
My mother got him.
Can't I start being your
secretary on Monday?
No. Negative,
Angelica. I'm sorry.
We just...
We just couldn't work it out.
Ciao!
Momento. Si?
Dr. Ponti is due at 4:00.
I have three minutes to.
If he doesn't show up
at 4:00 sharp...
Now you're being reasonable.
[MOTORCYCLE REVVING]
NARRATOR: That's Dr. Ponti.
The one with the helmet.
What does this
doctor specialize
in, anyway?
The entire area
below the ankles.
Hah, foot doctor.
Foot doctor?
Chiropodist.
It's very important.
Without feet you'd fall forward.
Oh, I can see that.
[BARKS]
Tell Dr. Ponti I had
to go out of town.
I'll get in touch
with him later.
Out of town. Touch him later.
[DOG BARKS]
Ah, he's sweet.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
4:00. Dr. Ponti's not here.
Slip out the back.
Meet you down
the block.
I've come to pick up
SignorinaSt. Pierre.
Doctor, speaking in your terms,
you missed her by a foot.
Ho, ho, ho. Very droll.
Will there be anything else?
You should have
tried me 20 years ago.
Thirty.
MILLIE: Flavia, who was that?
It's a cable, Madame.
From America.
The name doesn't seem familiar.
"Charles Harrison."
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Er, hi.
I'm Charles Harrison.
Oh, no, you are not.
You are the movie star.
Grant Granite.
Thank you, my dear.
Mr. Dobbs at home?
Mrs. Dobbs?
[PHONE RINGS]
MILLIE: I got it, Flavia!
Oh, Fernando, you know
I'm very fond of you,
but really I...
I won.
I've won a contest.
In my own bathroom.
Grant Granite.
Thank you, my dear.
And you hopefully are,
er, Mrs. Dobbs?
Delighted.
But unfortunately,
my business
is with Mr. Dobbs.
He, he's away for the weekend.
Damn!
I sent him a telegram
from California
three days ago but...
Well, la belle Italia,
we just arrived together.
You're... Charles Harrison, yes.
But you're Grant Granite.
Oh, Grant Granite's
my screen name.
I thought everybody knew.
You see, as Charlie Harrison,
I'm Grant Granite's
director and producer.
The two names. Oh, it seems
a little more
modest that way,
don't you think?
No.
I feel it makes for
a certain mystery,
don't you?
No.
And what do you want
to see my husband about?
To hand him
a check for $150,000.
One hundred and
fifty thousand dollars?
For what?
Would you, er,
would you mind
repeating the question?
A hundred and fifty
thousand for what?
His new play.
"When in Rome do
as the Romanians."
But it isn't even finished.
Listen, in this business,
you have to move fast.
Otherwise you end up
in a tweed jacket
smoking a pipe.
While Paul Newman gets the girl.
You'll have to wait till Monday.
Impossible. I've got
to be back in
California by then.
Phone him. Oh, I can't.
It would involve
breaking
an unwritten rule.
Break it.
Please.
[PHONE RINGS]
Darling? No. This is, er,
Darling's wife.
Who? MILLIE: Mildred Dobbs.
Would you please call
my husband to the phone?
Your husband, signora?
Why should he be here?
I cannot account for his taste,
but everyone in Rome
knows that when he's
not here he's there.
Everyone in Europe
is so continental.
That could also work in reverse.
It so happens, signora,
your husband is not here.
MILLIE: Then consider this,
if he's not here
and he's not there,
where in the hell is he?
Yes, just where
in the hell is he?
It's a beautiful day.
Mind if I put the top down?
I mean, my top.
A hundred and fifty
thousand dollars?
Or ninety million lira.
[GASPS] Cielo.
I thought that might
touch a nerve.
Grant Granite.
Thank you, my dear.
When we find Fred
and get our hands
on that $150,000,
am I going to
be excited about
meeting you.
Come.
For $150,000, where are you?
Think. Think.
I'm thinking. I'm thinking.
He left her last week.
Perhaps...
She went back to Israel.
Couldn't stand Italian food.
I'll give it a try,
but he couldn't be
that obvious, could he?
And you just answered
my question.
Hotel Albergo?
SignorinaSt. Pierre,
per favore.
Already gone?
SignorDobbs told me
to phone him there.
Castelli? I see. Grazie.
What kind of a girl? Athletic.
If I were his mistress,
this never could have
happened.
If I were his wife,
he wouldn't require
a mistress.
[MILLIE OOHING]
Just a meaningless
little thing Frederico
picked up for me.
Meaningless is
just the word.
It's my old one.
ORNELLA: Grant Granite,
am I excited.
CHARLIE: Thank you, my dear.
ORNELLA: About that $150,000.
CHARLIE: Oh.
[ORNELLA LAUGHS]
[BARKS]
Do you believe in love
at first sight?
Oh, invariably, Pussycat.
I am so glad.
It means you have a
deep social conscience.
Oh, it does?
It's a person's duty
to promote love in this world.
What with the Red Chinese
and all this trouble,
don't you agree?
Oh, definitely.
[BLEATING]
Madame is not here!
Ooh, ooh, that Fred C. Dobbs.
If only I could get my
hands on his feet.
Signoris not here.
And if you don't both leave,
I will telephone
Signorin Castelli.
BOTH: Castelli?
DR. PONTI: Incidentally,
with all this vibration,
it's only sensible to have
a pelvic examination.
I saw it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
Butter, eh? Butter.
Beautiful.
These jet-setters,
they see one Fellini flick
and they go fruitcake.
Butter, eh? Butter.
That Fred C. Dobbs
must be a lot sicker
than I thought.
I hope I'm not being
disloyal to him.
Disloyal? Try traitor.
You're my beautiful little spy.
What about your wife?
To hell with her.
Let her get her
own spies.
Oh, by the way,
put these hairs
back on his pillow.
They are getting
awfully worn out.
You promised
you would get rid
of your wife.
Oh, I will. I will.
This time I have
a fool-proof plan.
[LAUGHS] I hope
it's better than
the last time.
That tiger must have
cost you plenty.
I still don't know
what went wrong.
I threw her in the cage,
and locked her in
and then she killed the tiger.
Poor darling. You do try.
Mmm-hmm.
[PHONE RINGS]
Pronto.
Ah, SignorFernando.
Cut it short,
the music has started.
No, she has gone
for the weekend.
[MOANING]
[PHONE RINGS]
Damn it!
[EXCLAIMS IN PAIN]
FLAVIA: Pronto.
Who is calling, Madame?
Oh, pronto.
I didn't recognize
your voice.
More dolce Vita, eh?
Oh, no, she won't be back
before Monday.
Castelli.
What are you doing
for the weekend?
Mmm.
[SIGHS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Sapristi! I'll put
a stop to this myself.
DR. FAHRQUARDT: Go away!
We don't want any.
[GUNSHOT]
Butter. Bring me lots
and lots of butter.
[WELCOMING IN ITALIAN]
Is Mr. Dobbs registered here?
We haven't seen
SignorDobbs
since last summer.
Last summer? Who?
Me.
'Scusa.
Well, we tried.
However...
SignorDobbs telephoned
and made a reservation
for two for tonight.
Good. When he arrives,
tell him some friends
are waiting in the bar.
I'll try to remember.
I'll remember!
Rod Steiger ought to
meet this guy.
HESTHER: I'm gonna
whomp her and tromp her
and belly stomp her.
You're going to what?
Maybe she will.
You was havin' a do
with my man Franco.
This I would like to hear.
Grant Granite.
Oh...
Thank you, my dear.
Sit down and have a drink.
This may turn into
a fun night after all.
FRANCO: Goodbye, darling,
thank you.
Thank you for everything.
Going to Castelli?
Or any place else.
Good.
Oh, SignorDobbs.
[SHUSHING]
Manglacavallo. Si, Mangia Mangla.
Cavallo. Si, but do I go
around screaming
SignorMangia cavallo? Cavallo? No. No.
Well, why do you persist
in going around screaming
SignorDobbs?
Dobbs. Dobbs.
I chose this hotel,
because I wanted
to get away from my...
Your wife? My wife? My office.
Ah, office. Si, si, so I call my sec...
Ah, your niece? Niece.
Secretary. Secretary?
Ahead of us we have
a weekend of very stiff...
[GASPS]
That is one sentence
I insist you
complete yourself.
I was going to say work.
But you, sir,
have smartmouthed
your way
out of a substantial tip.
Your friends...
Are in the bar.
HESTHER: ♪ You went and put your
heart in a Xerox machine... ♪
I wasn't here.
You have never seen me.
Ah, but in truth, I did.
And lying is a mortal sin.
Come on.
[FRED SHUSHING]
Mea culpa, mea culpa.
[DOG BARKS]
FRED: Where the hell
do we go now?
ANGELICA: I know just
the place. You'll love it.
FRED: I hate it.
ANGELICA: How can you?
Sleeping out
under the stars.
It's so exciting.
I'm not an outdoorsman.
I'm city, raised and bred.
And frankly I get
hay fever watching
Lassie on television.
Besides, I'm a 26-year-old man.
You don't feel
like 26 years old.
That's because I'm dashing.
You are. You are.
Debonair, perhaps but dashing?
Dashing. Dashing, you are.
Dashing, well,
I really do prefer
the word debonair,
but I suppose if
you say I'm dashing, well...
Thank you very much.
It was a great pleasure.
The pleasure was all mine.
So it seemed.
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
ANGELICA: You know
what's wonderful?
FRED: Yes, but let me
hear your version.
ANGELICA: Under the stars
all alone
just the two of us.
RED INDIAN: Bravo!
[CHEERING]
[CLAPPING]
DR. PONTI: Ah, Mrs. Dobbs,
you're so beautiful
and wicked.
Tell me that beast of a
husband drove you to it.
Tell me.
Yes, but in a Ferrari.
When we find him,
I'll fix him for you, good.
I know a little about surgery.
Don't you dare.
[CHUCKLES]
You're so exciting
when you're angry.
I...
[GIGGLES]
CHARLIE: Some thoughtful
strategy is required.
Discretion.
Sensitivity.
Subtlety.
FRANCO: Both ladies
are equally beautiful.
CHARLIE: Desirable. FRANCO: Exquisite.
CHARLIE: Available. FRANCO: One hopes.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
ORNELLA: Come in, darling.
Oh, it's you.
You were expecting
Charlie Harrison?
He is a movie star. Or Franco?
At least. It's getting late.
You're honest.
Yes. And Fred isn't.
Running away with Angelica.
He's an idiot!
No, we're the idiots
trying to change him.
He is what he is.
That's why I married him.
That's why you want him.
Are you always so blunt?
Always.
I know Fred better than you do.
That's why I'm still his wife.
No offense.
The wife he's been
lying to all this time.
A man only lies to
a woman if he wants
to keep hold of her.
He lies to me.
He lies to me all the time.
Then he loves me, too.
Of course he does.
Sometimes I worry
if he loves me.
I mean, really.
He loves you deeply. Devotedly.
I'm his wife, I should know.
He loves you with every
atom of his being.
Are we talking about Fred?
Yes.
He loves you.
Also Liz,
Carolina, Estella,
Moira, Dorothy,
Ruth, Ingrid...
Perhaps we might decide by...
I feel I'm being crude.
You probably are,
but go ahead anyway.
By flipping a coin.
You're right. You are crude.
Heads.
Pardon?
As a guest in
your country, I have
the right of first call.
Oh.Heads.
I knew you couldn't
turn me down,
SignorDobbs. Darling.
Such rough legs, dearest.
I'll rub lotion on them.
Your arms could do with
a bit of a shave, too.
BOTH: Two out of three.
Okay, okay. Seven out of ten.
[HUMMING]
All right, all right,
17 outta 21.
If they smoked this
at the UN,
there'd be no more wars..
Darling, it's 2:00.
Please, I'm still
recovering from 1:00.
[MEN CHATTERING]
[MEN SHOUTING]
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
NARRATOR: This is
Cecil B. DeMillie,
our movie director.
Those guys their knees
are his assistants.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
NARRATOR: When he gives
an order in Italian,
they translate into
three languages.
Sort of walking subtitles.
That keeps it fair.
Nobody understands.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
I can't sleep,
therefore we will
shoot in 15 minutes.
The, er, the ex-boyfriend?
Yes, Cecil B. DeMille.
Wasn't there a great
director by that name?
Of course.
That's where he got it.
Oh, how stupid of me.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING FRENCH] Oh, my dear.
Cecil.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Why isn't this man in makeup?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Privately, my dear,
I'm sorry we broke up.
Stay away from
my secretary, you maniac.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Don't speak again.
You are an extra.
I don't even think
the gorilla would
find me dashing.
Are you glad I won the toss?
What are you really
looking for, Millie?
Mr. Right. And when
I'm sure it's him,
it's he and me
into the sunset. Fade out.
Please note I'm awfully
good at sunsets.
What are my chances?
Both good. Both?
If Charlie Harrison
doesn't get me,
Grant Granite could.
This is the first time
we've been away since
our honeymoon.
Are you certain that we're
doing the right thing?
Trust me.
If I didn't think it
was right, would
I suggest a double suicide?
Of course not.
We should have done
this years ago.
It's my fault.
I've been so busy.
You just got to
love a guy like me.
My angel. I'll see you
at breakfast, my darling.
But why, my love? ORNELLA:
I have a headache, my dearest.
I will massage
it for you, my sweet.
Somebody already is,
my treasure.
What can I say?
Try "goodnight."
Goodnight?
BOTH: Goodnight.
Well, it's my own fault.
I should have told her
to save my place.
Bah!
Oh, bravo.
It's SignorDobbs.
Darling. Ooh.
I worry.
This is the first time
that we've ever
left the children alone.
Sooner or later
they'll have to
face life without us.
In this case, sooner.
They're so innocent. So young.
True.
Eva's only 20
and little Adolph
is only 15.
Exactly.
I feel uneasy about
the way you locked
them into their rooms.
We must be firm.
They're too big to sleep
together any longer.
Oh, I know,
but my little Adolph.
I mean, how is he
going to feed himself
if he's locked in?
Just like usual.
Eva will break down the door,
carry him downstairs,
strap him to his highchair
and force feed him,
just like you do.
It's different. I'm his mother.
I just hope I'm his father.
So do I.
[WHOOPING]
[GUNSHOTS]
[GUNSHOTS]
NARRATOR: Rome wasn't
made in a day.
But these spaghetti
westerns are.
[GUNSHOTS]
Action!
[ALL REPEATING]
Go, go.
[SCREAMS]
I can't imagine
Dobbs spending
the night out-of-doors.
Didn't you tell me that
he was even allergic
to artificial flowers?
Angelica is very
persuasive when
she makes up her...
Body.
I was going to say
mind, but you're
probably right.
[DIRECTOR SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING]
Where?
Well?
[WOMEN GIGGLE]
Fred!
[GASPS]
C. Dobbs?
You think of everything.
This is Charlie Harrison.
Hi.You look like
Grant Granite to me.
Thank you, my dear.
Dobbs, I'm an admirer
of your work.
Personal as well
as professional.
I'd like to buy the
screen rights to your
new play.
Now then, this may seem
a little hard-hearted
but I have a lot to
gain from you and
Millie here fighting.
Sorry to disappoint you,
but we're not going to fight.
Oh, no?
Try this for size.
How are you going
to explain your,
uh, secretary?
And all this to Millie.
Oh, we never fight.Exactly.
And not that it's any of
your business but I was
going to tell her the truth.
The truth? Mmm.
You'd no longer lie to me?
You mean you want me
to lie to you?
Of course.
Then I'd know you still cared.
Perfect. Perfect.
I've got a nasty feeling
this is it.
Fred C. Dobbs, hear me good.
I'm going to Rome
and when you get back I
won't be there.
John Wilkes Booth,
also an actor.
Hold my hand.
Forever, from here to eternity,
[GASPS]
No!
DR. FAHRQUARDT: Oh, perfidy!
Oh, treachery.
Oh, disappointment.
Oh. Oh.
Get rid of that blonde.
How does she know I'm a blonde?
Where did I go wrong?
You gland!
I'd stop smoking if I was you.
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMING]
All this over me?
[SCREAMING]
[EXCLAIMS]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN] I call the police!
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
It's a nightmare. I'll wake up.
My clothes will be on
and it will all go away.
Police! Police!
[POLICE SIRENS WAIL]
CHARLIE: Come on!
Ooh!
[BARKS]
Giddup.
Go on!
Ooh!
Here!
Hang on!
[SCREAMS]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Bring back my stagecoach.
You're damn right, we will!
Just don't have
this kind of fun in... Alabama?
Right.
[GUNSHOTS]
We're Baptists back home.
I sure like these
Catholic countries
It's them!
Here.
Excuse me.
[EXCLAIMS]
[DRIVER YELLING]
[POLICE SIRENS APPROACHING]
Fred?
Hey, what the hell
do you think
this is, a library?
No sleeping here. Oh, no sleeping in here,
no sleeping at home.
Ah, nightmares again, eh?
What again? Still!
That dammed gorilla.
Must you forever
trouble me with
your sleazy fantasies?
We were talking
about that fateful
weekend at Castelli.
Oh, Castelli.
[PLAYS SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]
You know, that happened
almost a year ago,
but it seems like yesterday.
Whatever became of
all those loonies? Hmm?
Oh, my ex-wife married
Grant Granite.
She'd never acted before,
so she became the biggest
star in Hollywood.
Those were real bullets.
Now Millie owns
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.
[ROARS]
[ROARS]
And whatever happened
to that motorcycle hick? Hesther?
She went home
and was elected
governor of Alabama.
I solemnly swear
to uphold the Constitution
of this here State.
ALL: Yeah!
And your ex-mistress,
what was her name?
Ornella Piacentini.
Aah!
She decided to lead
a more quiet life.
FRED: And so did Franco.
[PLAYS ORGAN]
And what about that
little chiropodist,
Dr. Ponti?
Doing three to five.
FRED: Got caught treating
an old sea captain
for athlete's foot.
So? On a wooden leg?
[SINGSONG] Doctor!
She's... Still with me,
just like you.
Oh, but I'm not.Oh.
[SINGSONG] I'm destroying
your whole lousy fleet.
No more treatments.
No more pain.
It's you
who's been causing
those nightmares.
Me?
You're out of your crazy head.
It's your gorilla.
Gorilla? There
is no such thing
as that gorilla.
It's an hallucination.
FRED: Sheer fantasy.
[CHATTERING]
Milton?
I love you.
How can you expect Fred
to return your love
when you're losing your hair?
Eh?
Well, Fred, it's you and I.
Happily ever after.
I doubt it, but we'll
give it a try.
That we will.
[SINGING IN ITALIAN]
♪ So, groove into it ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Be free, just groove into it ♪
♪ Come on, move into it ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ You'll see you'll
groove into it ♪
♪ Come on and move and groove
and move and groove and move ♪
♪ I wanna groove ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Pussycat ♪
♪ And let my love come in ♪
♪ If you'll spread
your lovely arms ♪
♪ The sky will start to spin ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Aren't you feeling a
great big vibration ♪
♪ And a warm flow
of anticipation ♪
♪ With a flood of sensation ♪
♪ You know that in the end ♪
♪ You'll give in ♪
♪ Groove into it ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Just let yourself
groove into it ♪
♪ Come on move into it ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Be free and you'll
groove into it ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I wanna move and groove and
move and groove and move ♪
♪ And fill you with my love ♪
♪ On the soft sand of a beach ♪
♪ All warm upon your skin ♪
♪ Let the juices of a peach ♪
♪ Go runnin' down your chin ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Let's go diving in
Pussycat fountains ♪
♪ Let's go climbing in
Pussycat mountains ♪
♪ Let's walk the clouds ♪
♪ Let's fly the wind ♪
♪ Let's touch the sun ♪
♪ So groove into it ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Be free, just groove
into it Come on ♪
♪ Come on, move into it ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ You'll see you'll
groove into it ♪
♪ I wanna move and groove and
move and groove and move ♪
♪ I wanna groove ♪
♪ Pussycat, Pussycat ♪
NARRATOR: Rome,
the eternal city.
The Colosseum,
a monument to Julius Caesar.
The Trevi Fountain,
a monument to Pope Alexander.
Piazza Navona, a monument
to the great Bernini.
St. Peter's, a monument to God.
[HONKING]
The traffic jam,
a monument to Henry Ford.
[ALL HONKING]
Fred Dobbs.
He's more worried about
losing his hair
than losing his wife.
Right now he's late
to his appointment
with his scalp therapist.
This man.
Anna, my dear,
may I see you a moment?
His name is Dr. Fahrquardt.
He has no degree.
That's his name.
Like yours is Irving,
his is doctor.
Meet Anna, the doctor's wife.
Few of us are happily married,
but this is ridiculous.
[DR. FAHRQUARDT GRUNTS]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[VEHICLES HONKING]
[BLOWS WHISTLE]
Tell, come on. Tell me.
I'm losing my hair,
I just know it. Look.
Let me worry about your hair.
Now, just tell me about
all those girls, eh?
NARRATOR: Dr. Fahrquardt is
interested in Fred's sex life
because he gets none of his own.
Having met his wife,
you can understand why.
Who said anything about girls?
I did. Just now.
Didn't you hear me?
What's the matter?
You losing your hearing,
too?
Too? Then I am losing
my hair. You...
Even as we speak.
But so long as
these two hands...
God bless them....keep their skill,
you'll have a little
something left to comb.
NARRATOR: This clown
really believes
he's a scalp therapist.
The sad thing is
his patients believe it, too.
I...
just couldn't stand being bald.
Who could?
It's disgusting.
All that empty space
gleaming up at everybody
like an undiapered baby.
Oh, it's obscene.
No more so than your dream
about being shipwrecked
on that desert island.
Just you and that male gorilla.
[GASPING]
Low pain threshold, eh?
You must have been pretty
scared of that gorilla.
Terrified.
Perfectly normal.
Well, the hell he was.
He fell in love with me.
I love you.
I ran.
Oh, masculine protest, eh?
Then why can't you run
from those girls?
It's not the same thing.
You're right...
You're, you're right.
You're right. I can't say no.
My darling wife, for example.
DR. FAHRQUARDT: To whom you're
criminally unfaithful.
My Mistress Ornella.
With whom you've had your way,
as the old books put it.
And some of those old
books put it rather well.
I bet you underlined
all the hot passages.
You sex clod!
It's like a disease.
And then this wild,
new pussycat.
What? Gwendolyn.
Gwen-do-lyn.
I hate to tell you
about Gwendolyn.
What hate?
It's the least
you can do while
I stand here
trying to save
your morally
exhausted hair.
I am most grateful.
As well you should be.
Without me you'd be
a melon with eyes.
Now tell me about this...
Gwen...
I couldn't say no to Gwen.
She was cold, unattainable.
The absolute end.
Oh, a real pageant, go.
FRED: We were alone together,
by accident.
DR. FAHRQUARDT: Gwen...
I don't care if I am
your wife's sister.
It's more erotic this way.
Right.
If it happens,
it happens, Pussycat.
Let nature take its course.
Right.
I dig nature.Right.
It's beautiful. I dig nature.
Start digging.
[WATCH BUZZING]
My time's up.
But time...
What is time when
scalp-wise a scientific
breakthrough is imminent?
Easy, now, easy,
Victor Vicarious.
You interested in
my scalp or my women?
Oh, don't give me
that holier-than-thou
attitude, Clyde.
If just once
I treated your rapidly
vanishing hair
without checking on
the distaff action,
you'd choke with frustration.
You dig re-living it.
That's how sick you are.
No.Yes.
No.Yes.
No! Yes!
No! Yes!
No! Yes!
No! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Desist, sir!
Cease these unmanly
tears immediately,
or I shall be forced to lock
you in the little dark room.
Ah?
Now, calm for your own good.
Tell?
You bet your scalp.
FRED: It all started at
the Battle of the Bulge.
DR. FAHRQUARDT: The Battle
of the Bulge?
FRED: A ladies' reducing salon.
Oh, they take men on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
DR. FAHRQUARDT: And you
went on Friday?
FRED: Well, I am, er, normal.
[WOMEN GIGGLE]
Good afternoon, Madame.
My name's Liz.
I hope you enjoy
your massage.
[GASPS]
Hello.
[WHISPERS] I don't know
who you are,
but get the hell
out of here before
I call the polizia.
Pussycat,
if you were going
to call the polizia,
would you be whispering?
I'll give you that.
What do you want?
Don't you remember?
My name's Fred C. Dobbs.
From that big party
at the villa.
Oh, yes.
How've you been? Very well, thank you.
And you?
Fine, thank you.
And now that the social
interlude is over,
kindly get the hell out
of here or I'll lose me job.
Oh, you disappoint me.
A pox on your
disappointment. Out.
[SCREAMS] A man.
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
[BARKING]
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, that was a good one.
Well, one does one's best.
One got one fired
from one's job.
I'm terribly sorry.
Look, it wasn't my fault.
I didn't know those
women were going to
react like that.
Promise to make it
up to one in a big way.
'Ow big?
Modesty prevents
one from saying.
Does one live far? Near.
Good. With one's mum.
Bad.
Look, maybe we can save
it for another night.
Don't let's lose one's head.
One's losing one's mood.
I'll come up with something.
Fernando. Fernando?
Fernando. Fernando?
Look, did I wake you?
Is it really?
You're right, you know?
Quarter to 5:00
on the button.
Right.
Fever?
A hundred and four?
Listen, Fernando.
Make sure you get
plenty of Aspirin
and hot juices.
Fernando, I need a favor.
Would you mind going
to an all-night movie
for a couple of hours
and letting me use your place?
[HANGS UP]
Fernando?
Fernando, pronto.
Fernando, pronto.
Pronto, Fernando.
Fernando, pro...
We were disconnected.
That usually 'appens
when the other
party hangs up.
Look, it's late.
I'm tired.
I want to go 'ome.
Go home?
But we haven't eve...
We...
We haven't.
Well, let's say we have.
I'll back you up
if you want to brag
to your friends.
You've got me all wrong.
I'm a gentleman. I would
never dream of talking...
Unless it actually 'appened.
Well, of course.
Well, let's say it did.
You know, mentally.
Mentally?
Somehow or other it's
not quite as much fun.
I didn't think it would be.
[GIGGLES]
You can't leave me
here like this.
Oh, no! But I've got a car.
That's the first nice thing
you've said to me tonight.
Fernando?
Fernando, how you feeling, kid?
Any better?
[WHISTLES] That high, huh?
Well, we won't be using your
place after all, she's got
a car. Now listen, Fernan...
Hold on a moment, would you?
My dear.
Man talk.
If Millie calls, I'm with you.
If Ornella checks,
the same goes for her.
Goodbye. Hm?
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, Millie is my wife.
Ornella's my mistress.
Fernando,
you've got to remember.
Millie, wife.
Ornella, mistress.
Write it down.
Hm?
Get up and get a pencil.
Well, open the oxygen tent
and get one from the doctor.
Well, ask the priest
if he has one.
[HANGS UP]
Fernando? Fer...
Fernando? Pronto!
He's got a lot
to learn about
being a true friend.
So, how was it?
Huh? Beautiful.
I loved it. Who doesn't?
Still I'm eaten up
with guilt.
Millie, my poor wife.
Oh, don't be such a worry wart.
You know the saying
"Worry and care will
make you lose your hair."
That's an old wives' tale.
How many bald old
wives do you know?
It's amazing, Doctor.
After a session with you,
I feel so completely
unburdened.
Incredible what you
accomplish with a mere
scalp treatment.
What scalp?
I treat the total man
from head to foot.
With a stop in between
at the wallet.
Which reminds you...
Tomorrow. And tomorrow,
and tomorrow.
And you'll tell me the
details about the dream
you're going to
have tonight about
the gorilla.
I am not going to dream
about that gorilla.
Oh, the gorilla.
He's closing on me.
He's gaining on me. The gorilla.
The gorilla. Oh. Oh. Oh.
That dammed gorilla.
A gorilla?
He almost caught me
this time
and it's all that...
That Dr. Fahrquardt's fault.
A gorilla, Fred, a gorilla?
A big, hairy,
horny, crazy,
in-love gorilla.
I'm losing my hair. I...
Good night, Milton.
I'm Millie. Who's Milton?
What? Milton?
Who's Milton?
I don't know any Milton.
Buona notte.
Talk about it in the
morning, please.
Buono notte.
That's it.
What's it?
Gorilla's name.
Milton?
[PHONE RINGS]
Pronto.
Just a moment.
It's Monsieur's
tennis instructor.
Pronto!
Darling, I must see you.
Yes, I know.
A little more zip
with my back hand.
I miss you terribly.
I know. Well, keep
the court reserved.
We'll play later.
Oh, morning coffee.
With the world's
penultimate Pussycat.
Who could ask for anything more?
You, obviously. Huh?
Fred, supposing a couple
that married very young.
Twenty, as we did?
As we did, yes.
Supposing this couple
found that they were
no longer in love.
Were they at the beginning?
Oh, yes, I think so.
At least they thought they were.
They're still deeply
fond of each other.
Deeply fond is a hell of a
distance from in love.
True. But they're still young.
And they still have illusions.
Illusions?
Romantic.
Are there any other kind?
Those, my dear, are delusions.
Be kind, Fred.
They've got to have something.
They don't have children.
Neither do we,
but we don't snivel
about it, do we?
Speak for yourself.
Very well, I will.
What this girl should do
is find something to
occupy her time.
Charity work. Needlepoint.
Rolling bandages
for the Great War.
What Great War?
Any great war.
Tell her to keep busy.
The devil makes
work for idle hands.
Exactly, affairs. I...
I told her this.
It can be dangerous.
On the other hand,
how is she going to
find "Mr. Right"?
Mr. Right?
God, how old-fashioned.
It's only old-fashioned
if she doesn't find him.
And she's not getting
any younger.
And, and how is she going
to find him if
she doesn't go
looking?
Looking?
Mmm.
Looking?
Oh, well, that's
certainly not
old-fashioned, is it?
No.
But if she does find Mr. Right,
it's everything, isn't it, Fred?
Mmm?
Of course it is,
old girl, but...
Well, I thought
you said she was married.
She is. But it didn't take.
Like a weak vaccination.
You seem awfully concerned
about her but not a
moment's thought about him.
Oh, Fred, how unfair.
To her, she worries
about him all the time,
feels guilty...
Guilty? About looking for
somebody else.
Could he manage to get
along without her?
I mean, he's never,
well, sort of grown up.
By choice.
By choice!
Tell her not to worry.
For him the world
is full of girls.
The safety of numbers.
Where he doesn't have
to commit himself.
Make a decision or even
change his dialogue.
Just change girls.
You're making it sound
like a play.
Why don't you
write it, Fred?
A new idea for a comedy.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's very dramatic.
If I dream it tonight,
I'll give it to the gorilla.
The gorilla? Oh, yes,
he can certainly
write a better play
than I can.
And now, please,
let us end this
interminable conversation
which seems to be
hitting closer and
closer to home.
I meant it, too. I know.
That's why I want it to end.
The gorilla can certainly
write a better
play than I can.
Why?
Why, you ask?
I didn't.Exactly.
Because with a bunch of
bananas and a warm cage
he's got it made.
He's not overdrawn
at the bank as I am.
Next time you get
a tax attorney, get one
who's been to college.
[SCREAMS] It's hot, Millie.
Er, Madame.
Millie, Millie, I'm burning.
Please, please! Quick!
Butter.
Butter? Butter for what?
My lord,
it's scorching,
and you're talking about butter.
Butter for a burn.
It's a known fact.
That's not where I got burned.
NARRATOR: Could that beacon
of skin really be...
Golly goodness, it is.
Dr. Fahrquardt!
How dare you come in
here when I'm nude?
Besides, I'm giving
hydro-therapy.
Hydro-therapy to whom?
To me, you marching moron.
I'm just as sick as
anybody else.
You have a victim waiting.
Patient. And get out
of here or I'll break
every bone in your head.
Don't threaten me,
you pontifical quack.
I have hated you since
the moment I married you.
Your pores are too large.
You have pore slop.
One step and I scatter
your brains.
Twenty years for hitting
a man who's wearing glasses.
You fat fool!
[YELLS]
[SCREAMS]
Swine!
[LAUGHS]
May the student riots
re-occur in your stomach!
If Monsieur's tennis
instructor calls again,
what do I say?
Tell him I'm having my
racquet re-strung.
One of these days, Madame may
beat me to the phone.
That has the ugly sound
of blackmail.
What you need is
a secretary you can trust.
Someone like my niece,
Angelica.
Someone young and active.
Who's young and active?
My niece, Angelica.
Er, Monsieur has agreed
to interview her.
I've agreed to, er...
This afternoon.
This afternoon.
This afternoon I've
got to visit my sister
at the hospital.
FRED: Gwendolyn?
What's wrong with her?
Her back. It's all scraped
from sand at the beach.
FRED: Her back? How did...
Ah, well, that's what
you get through
digging nature.
What? Give her a kiss for me.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
[SINGING IN ITALIAN]
Well, stop looking
back. So I started
a little fire.
Happy birthday, Fernando.
[WOMAN CONGRATULATING
IN ITALIAN]
ALL: Happy birthday, Fernando.
[GUESTS APPLAUD]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
It's good to be a chick.
You're beautiful.
I'm pregnant.
It's your eyes, mostly.
They're luminous.
You wouldn't marry me
even if I were
carrying your child.
Your mouth, too, fascinating.
You've lost me. Goodbye forever.
I love you.
Don't you want to
give your baby a name?
Thank you, but that
won't be necessary.
I've just decided to
think positive thoughts
and not be pregnant.
Positive thoughts?
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
The question is,
will you or won't you
take off your clothes?
Oh, hell, if it means
that much to you.
It does.
Ah, paradise.
[MOANS]
Hey,
it's you.
The model from the
dirty postcards.
And you must be the creep
that bought the whole pack.
I am. I am.
I love you.
Frankly, I love you, too.
Go on. Go on.
Ooh!
Happy?
Not until you marry me.
And what do we do
about my husband?
MAN: Fernando,
happy birthday! WOMAN: Happy birthday!
Exactly what I have been
doing about your husband.
Deceiving him. You swine!
[LAUGHS]
Poor, oh, poor Moira.
You, you're not
still living with
that person, are you?
Gian Carlo?
No, but he's still
in my drama class.
Good. Drama. Good. Good.
I think you're so beautiful
and I do think you can
give of yourself.
Oh, I can, I can.
No, no. No, no.
No, I meant as an actress.
Mmm. Oh, that, too.
[GROANS]
Harvard?
'65.
Navy? Intelligence.
Banking? National Trust.
Homosexual? No.
Pity.
I could learn.
Too late.
[INDIAN MUSIC PLAYING]
Have you ever heard him speak?
No. But then,
I only studied with
him for five years.
[SHUSHING] I think he's
finally going to speak.
You've chosen a difficult
path, my children.
Why, Master?
With all these beautiful
broads, a Yoga can get
pretty horny.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Hey...
With your permission,
I make the cut in.
Signorinadances
with great abandon.
It's signora. And grazie.
Signora, we shall make love.
Oh, smashing! Here and now?
No, no, no.
Ahone via Mabrizi, Apartment B.
Back where I come from,
we don't hold with
ditchin' a woman.
You're lookin' to get
a nice big cross
burnt on your lawn.
Cute but emotionally disturbed.
She's from Alabama.
I'm from the
Via Veneto and I'm
disturbed as hell.
Scusi, signore. I will leave.
You won't forget?
How could I?
I'll look for the
first lawn with
the burning cross.
Won't forget what?
His address.
He wants to make love.
Oh, he does, does he?
[SINGSONG] Doctor.
Doctor, that's a laugh.
[TRACKER CRACKING]
[SINGSONG] Doctor.
There are two schools
of thought on the science
of scalp therapy.
The day school
and the night school.
[WOMEN LAUGH]
[EXCLAIMS]
Wunderbar!
And you, my dear,
are going to be
the first one in.
Champagne tickles my nose.
Imagine what it is
going to do to the
rest of you, eh?
[ALL GIGGLE]
I want to thank you, Doctor.
About what?
The bubbles tickling everything.
Oh, yes.
[DR. FAHRQUARDT CHUCKLES]
[WOMAN GASPS]
No!
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
No!
No! Don't!
I, I, I'm a sick man.
Er, er, medical doctors
will tell you I'm a sick man.
Not, not bad just sick.
[SCREAMS]
[LAUGHS] You missed me.
[SCREAMS]
You, cretin! You could
give me an infection.
You are the woman
with whom I am in love.
Yes.
But what would I be
worth if I were just
an ordinary call girl
from the Piazza di Spagna?
Priceless.
There's just no way
to judge a value
like yours.
Priceless? Really? Really.
Oh.Astronomical.
The Mona Lisa perhaps.
Oh?
Then I'm not priceless.
The Mona Lisa has a price.
Actually, you've insulted me.
You've made me feel like
that call girl from
the Piazza di Spagna.
Fine. And I'm your best customer
who has just given you
the Mona Lisa.
I don't want to be known
as the girl who went to
bed with a man who was
stupid enough to give
away the Mona Lisa.
My mother was right,
I should have been a priest.
[AGREEING IN FRENCH]Is he asleep?
He fell asleep
immediately after.
After what?
He closed his eyes.
Merci, Flavia.
I appreciate your loyalty.
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Does Monsieur talk in his
sleep sometimes?
Sometimes?
All the time.
That's how I get my information.
NARRATOR: 1:00 in Rome
means siesta.
Everybody goes to bed.
The square ones even sleep.
[MOANS]
Now, where were
you all week,
Federico?
Home.
Married men always
have a perfect alibi.
They were home.
What can you do there
you can't do here?
Mia cara. Call it habit,
superstition or what you will,
but I can only work
in my own chair,
at my own desk,
in my own study.
Your own desk?
Your own chair?
Your own study?
All duplicated by
your own decorator.
Aren't you pleased?
Pleased? Where's the fun
if I think I'm home?
Where are you going? Home.
You are going back
to that woman?
It's perverted!
That woman happens
to be the mother
of my children.
You have no children!
If you go away now,
I'm going to
kill myself. I will.
FRED: Ornella, you are
a spoiled juvenile.
Whenever we argue
you take sleeping pills
in massive doses.
If all the pills you've taken
were outside of you
instead of inside of you,
you would look like
a beaded dress.
[LAUGHS]
[AMBULANCE SIREN WAILING]
Oh, Doctor. I am so ashamed.
Excuse me, but I am the doctor.
I don't remember
calling for
a consultation.
Believe me, my dear,
you have absolutely
nothing to be ashamed of.
Doctor. Doctor! Doctor, please.
Please!
Please!
Please!
I didn't call you
for her. It was for me.
I was afraid the shock
would be terrible
for my hair.
Good thinking.
And incidentally,
don't let her hang herself.
It would be terrible
for her hair.
NARRATOR: 4:00 means
back to work for the, uh,
squares who slept at 1:00.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
If we ever get out
of this alive,
I'm coming back for you.
Oh, when Mr. Right comes
looking for me,
I hope he looks like that.
Mio tersoro.
For the first time
in my life,
I am in love.
There's no need
to say that, Max.
Max? Max, or Franco. Whatever.
The names are interchangeable.
Like the words
"for the first time
I'm in love."
It's not necessary to say that.
But what else can I say?
You might say I'm pretty.
Oh, yes, you are. Fantastic.
Good.
Umm... You might say
you're glad I'm here.
Glad? I'm the hap...
That will do fine. Thank you.
And, now, if you
want to seduce me,
go right ahead.
What's the matter?
It's just that I don't
want to be Max or...
Whatever.Yes.
I am Franco. Myself.
I'll try harder.
You certainly know
how to spoil
a Roman afternoon.
Forgive me, Franco. Huh, Max.
[GLASS BREAKS]
"Next time
"a burning cross."
Something you did?
Something I didn't.
Where's Mrs. Dobbs?
Out.
Mr. Dobbs... Now remember I haven't...
BOTH: Left the house.
Exactly.
My niece is here. This afternoon I'm not
interviewing nieces.
This afternoon,
I am working on plays.
Oh.
[WHISTLING]
Now hear this.
You are working for me.
Not vice versa.
One more such outburst
and I trade you in
for a quill pen.
All right?
Right.
[MISSION IMPOSSIBLE
THEME PLAYING]
Ridiculous!
[SCREAMS]
Mr. Dobbs,
this is my niece, Angelica. You're hired.
FRED: I'm an author. FLAVIA: I told her.
I work irregular hours. I told her.
Nights, weekends. I told her.
As to salary,
I think... Five hundred, I told her.
Fine, you're obviously
eminently qualified.
[THANKING IN FRENCH]
We are very grateful.
You, uh...
You do type a bit,
don't you?
Ninety words a minute.
Shorthand? One hundred and eighty.
And...
Thirty-eight, 22, 35.
That is disgraceful.
38 words a minute?
That's inadequate.
Hello, darling.
Have you met Flavia's
niece, Angelica?
Buon giorno, Angelica. Pacere, Signora.
Signore.
You're thinking Fahrenheit.
I mean 38 words centigrade.
Ooh, of course, yes.
Well, that would
make a difference,
wouldn't it?
No, it's out of
the question.
You're far too young.
When I need you most,
you'll be stoning the
US Embassy.
FRED: How's Gwendolyn,
darling? Who?
Your sister. You said
you were going to
the hospital to see her.
Oh, yes.
Her flu is much better. Flu?
On top of her scraped back?
No, no. In her chest.
In her chest.
Arrive derci, Angelica.
Arrive derci, Signora.
I'm sorry, Flavia. I thought
you were eavesdropping
at the other door.
That's the way
the photographer
stared at me.
The photographer?
'Course. I saw you
at my barber's.
Your barber? Mmm.
New issue of Playboy.
You were the
centerfold. Very lovely.
[THANKING IN ITALIAN]
Grazia a re.
My barber thanks you,
too.
Tell me, didn't your mother
mind you posing in the nude?
Oh, very much.
I beat her out
of the job.
That's all for now.
I'll let you know in
a few days.
And... that's it?
There's more?
Well, under the circumstances.
Count to three.
Yes.
Three.
What?
Admittedly, darling,
it does look a bit...
It does look a bit odd, but...
Odd? Why?
Merely a playwright and his
secretary hard at work.
Careful, I'm going to jump.
I see you got the job.
Er, nothing's been decided.
No, just leave your address
and telephone number,
would you?
Hotel Albergo. 6-8-9-2-5-1.
Shall I write it down?
Oh, not necessary.
He'll remember.
Graziafor considering me.
Arrivederci, signor.
Signora.
Are you hiring her?
Oh, absolutely not.
I was looking for a plain,
colorless secretary.
Someone who blends
into the furniture,
instead of climbing all over it.
Oh, for God's Sake,
she looks like
Brigitte Bardot.
Bardot, eh?
I'd love to get into her hair.
Doctor.
How many times have
I told you not to
disturb me when...
Doctor?
FRED: Doctor! Doctor!
I just got here.
Well, how time flies when
one is having fun, eh?
How long was I in there?
Please, don't involve me.
I am Swiss.
Not even ten minutes.
[DR. FAHRQUARDT SINGING]
Doctor!
Don't you ever knock?
I'm sorry.
Bardot, eh?
Are you spending
the weekend
with Brigitte Bardot?
Her name is Angelica.
Mmm. Give me all
the torrid details,
you fiend.
Don't be so diffident.
I just met her
and she's perfect.
Perfect? Perfect for what?
My secretary.
Even though she's a teenager...
Teen? Teen?
How teen?
13? 14? 15?
Stop me when I get to your card.
Eighteen. But she
types 90 words a minute
and her shorthand is...
As if you cared.
A hundred and eighty.
What you really want,
you hypocrite, is...
Thirty-eight, twenty-two,
thirty-five.
God bless her. Bardot, eh?
Bardot, huh?
This girl happens
to be called Angelica.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
If you could
stimulate my memory.
Do you take
Diners' card? Con placere.
Ah, it comes to me.
You must mean
Angelica St. Pierre.
ANGELICA: SignorDobbs!
Ah-ha, you were right. Bardot.
ANGELICA: I wasn't
expecting you.
So I gather. I, er,
just came by
to tell you,
you are hired.
You mean, I'm your secretary?
As of right now.
We're going
to Castelli.
Ah-ha-ha. Hi. Castelli.
Work on the play.
That's exactly what
I had planned
but with Dr. Ponti.
Look, who is this
Dr. Ponti? My ex-boyfriend.
Well, how ex? I mean,
last year, last month,
last week?
Last night.
We broke up over you.
He's quite jealous.
Ha-ha!
Jealous?
Well, I, er,
I mean he hardly
knows me and,
er, neither do you
in the, er,
biblical sense.
No. And I told him
you were
a perfect gentleman.
FRED: Thank you. ANGELICA: And charming.
Considerate. Handsome.
Also quite dashing. Dashing? Me?
Definitely dashing.
Oh, it's absurd.
I mean, I do have
a certain flair,
but,
dashing?
I wouldn't say that.
Really. I...
Neither would I.
I'm not supposed
to be
dashing to you.
You said you were going
to Castelli with
Dr. Ponti, yes?
Yes. They're making
a movie near there.
The director's my ex-boyfriend.
You ex around
pretty good,
don't you?
He wasn't jealous,
this director?
Oh, no.
This time I was.
My mother got him.
Can't I start being your
secretary on Monday?
No. Negative,
Angelica. I'm sorry.
We just...
We just couldn't work it out.
Ciao!
Momento. Si?
Dr. Ponti is due at 4:00.
I have three minutes to.
If he doesn't show up
at 4:00 sharp...
Now you're being reasonable.
[MOTORCYCLE REVVING]
NARRATOR: That's Dr. Ponti.
The one with the helmet.
What does this
doctor specialize
in, anyway?
The entire area
below the ankles.
Hah, foot doctor.
Foot doctor?
Chiropodist.
It's very important.
Without feet you'd fall forward.
Oh, I can see that.
[BARKS]
Tell Dr. Ponti I had
to go out of town.
I'll get in touch
with him later.
Out of town. Touch him later.
[DOG BARKS]
Ah, he's sweet.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
4:00. Dr. Ponti's not here.
Slip out the back.
Meet you down
the block.
I've come to pick up
SignorinaSt. Pierre.
Doctor, speaking in your terms,
you missed her by a foot.
Ho, ho, ho. Very droll.
Will there be anything else?
You should have
tried me 20 years ago.
Thirty.
MILLIE: Flavia, who was that?
It's a cable, Madame.
From America.
The name doesn't seem familiar.
"Charles Harrison."
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
Er, hi.
I'm Charles Harrison.
Oh, no, you are not.
You are the movie star.
Grant Granite.
Thank you, my dear.
Mr. Dobbs at home?
Mrs. Dobbs?
[PHONE RINGS]
MILLIE: I got it, Flavia!
Oh, Fernando, you know
I'm very fond of you,
but really I...
I won.
I've won a contest.
In my own bathroom.
Grant Granite.
Thank you, my dear.
And you hopefully are,
er, Mrs. Dobbs?
Delighted.
But unfortunately,
my business
is with Mr. Dobbs.
He, he's away for the weekend.
Damn!
I sent him a telegram
from California
three days ago but...
Well, la belle Italia,
we just arrived together.
You're... Charles Harrison, yes.
But you're Grant Granite.
Oh, Grant Granite's
my screen name.
I thought everybody knew.
You see, as Charlie Harrison,
I'm Grant Granite's
director and producer.
The two names. Oh, it seems
a little more
modest that way,
don't you think?
No.
I feel it makes for
a certain mystery,
don't you?
No.
And what do you want
to see my husband about?
To hand him
a check for $150,000.
One hundred and
fifty thousand dollars?
For what?
Would you, er,
would you mind
repeating the question?
A hundred and fifty
thousand for what?
His new play.
"When in Rome do
as the Romanians."
But it isn't even finished.
Listen, in this business,
you have to move fast.
Otherwise you end up
in a tweed jacket
smoking a pipe.
While Paul Newman gets the girl.
You'll have to wait till Monday.
Impossible. I've got
to be back in
California by then.
Phone him. Oh, I can't.
It would involve
breaking
an unwritten rule.
Break it.
Please.
[PHONE RINGS]
Darling? No. This is, er,
Darling's wife.
Who? MILLIE: Mildred Dobbs.
Would you please call
my husband to the phone?
Your husband, signora?
Why should he be here?
I cannot account for his taste,
but everyone in Rome
knows that when he's
not here he's there.
Everyone in Europe
is so continental.
That could also work in reverse.
It so happens, signora,
your husband is not here.
MILLIE: Then consider this,
if he's not here
and he's not there,
where in the hell is he?
Yes, just where
in the hell is he?
It's a beautiful day.
Mind if I put the top down?
I mean, my top.
A hundred and fifty
thousand dollars?
Or ninety million lira.
[GASPS] Cielo.
I thought that might
touch a nerve.
Grant Granite.
Thank you, my dear.
When we find Fred
and get our hands
on that $150,000,
am I going to
be excited about
meeting you.
Come.
For $150,000, where are you?
Think. Think.
I'm thinking. I'm thinking.
He left her last week.
Perhaps...
She went back to Israel.
Couldn't stand Italian food.
I'll give it a try,
but he couldn't be
that obvious, could he?
And you just answered
my question.
Hotel Albergo?
SignorinaSt. Pierre,
per favore.
Already gone?
SignorDobbs told me
to phone him there.
Castelli? I see. Grazie.
What kind of a girl? Athletic.
If I were his mistress,
this never could have
happened.
If I were his wife,
he wouldn't require
a mistress.
[MILLIE OOHING]
Just a meaningless
little thing Frederico
picked up for me.
Meaningless is
just the word.
It's my old one.
ORNELLA: Grant Granite,
am I excited.
CHARLIE: Thank you, my dear.
ORNELLA: About that $150,000.
CHARLIE: Oh.
[ORNELLA LAUGHS]
[BARKS]
Do you believe in love
at first sight?
Oh, invariably, Pussycat.
I am so glad.
It means you have a
deep social conscience.
Oh, it does?
It's a person's duty
to promote love in this world.
What with the Red Chinese
and all this trouble,
don't you agree?
Oh, definitely.
[BLEATING]
Madame is not here!
Ooh, ooh, that Fred C. Dobbs.
If only I could get my
hands on his feet.
Signoris not here.
And if you don't both leave,
I will telephone
Signorin Castelli.
BOTH: Castelli?
DR. PONTI: Incidentally,
with all this vibration,
it's only sensible to have
a pelvic examination.
I saw it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
Butter, eh? Butter.
Beautiful.
These jet-setters,
they see one Fellini flick
and they go fruitcake.
Butter, eh? Butter.
That Fred C. Dobbs
must be a lot sicker
than I thought.
I hope I'm not being
disloyal to him.
Disloyal? Try traitor.
You're my beautiful little spy.
What about your wife?
To hell with her.
Let her get her
own spies.
Oh, by the way,
put these hairs
back on his pillow.
They are getting
awfully worn out.
You promised
you would get rid
of your wife.
Oh, I will. I will.
This time I have
a fool-proof plan.
[LAUGHS] I hope
it's better than
the last time.
That tiger must have
cost you plenty.
I still don't know
what went wrong.
I threw her in the cage,
and locked her in
and then she killed the tiger.
Poor darling. You do try.
Mmm-hmm.
[PHONE RINGS]
Pronto.
Ah, SignorFernando.
Cut it short,
the music has started.
No, she has gone
for the weekend.
[MOANING]
[PHONE RINGS]
Damn it!
[EXCLAIMS IN PAIN]
FLAVIA: Pronto.
Who is calling, Madame?
Oh, pronto.
I didn't recognize
your voice.
More dolce Vita, eh?
Oh, no, she won't be back
before Monday.
Castelli.
What are you doing
for the weekend?
Mmm.
[SIGHS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Sapristi! I'll put
a stop to this myself.
DR. FAHRQUARDT: Go away!
We don't want any.
[GUNSHOT]
Butter. Bring me lots
and lots of butter.
[WELCOMING IN ITALIAN]
Is Mr. Dobbs registered here?
We haven't seen
SignorDobbs
since last summer.
Last summer? Who?
Me.
'Scusa.
Well, we tried.
However...
SignorDobbs telephoned
and made a reservation
for two for tonight.
Good. When he arrives,
tell him some friends
are waiting in the bar.
I'll try to remember.
I'll remember!
Rod Steiger ought to
meet this guy.
HESTHER: I'm gonna
whomp her and tromp her
and belly stomp her.
You're going to what?
Maybe she will.
You was havin' a do
with my man Franco.
This I would like to hear.
Grant Granite.
Oh...
Thank you, my dear.
Sit down and have a drink.
This may turn into
a fun night after all.
FRANCO: Goodbye, darling,
thank you.
Thank you for everything.
Going to Castelli?
Or any place else.
Good.
Oh, SignorDobbs.
[SHUSHING]
Manglacavallo. Si, Mangia Mangla.
Cavallo. Si, but do I go
around screaming
SignorMangia cavallo? Cavallo? No. No.
Well, why do you persist
in going around screaming
SignorDobbs?
Dobbs. Dobbs.
I chose this hotel,
because I wanted
to get away from my...
Your wife? My wife? My office.
Ah, office. Si, si, so I call my sec...
Ah, your niece? Niece.
Secretary. Secretary?
Ahead of us we have
a weekend of very stiff...
[GASPS]
That is one sentence
I insist you
complete yourself.
I was going to say work.
But you, sir,
have smartmouthed
your way
out of a substantial tip.
Your friends...
Are in the bar.
HESTHER: ♪ You went and put your
heart in a Xerox machine... ♪
I wasn't here.
You have never seen me.
Ah, but in truth, I did.
And lying is a mortal sin.
Come on.
[FRED SHUSHING]
Mea culpa, mea culpa.
[DOG BARKS]
FRED: Where the hell
do we go now?
ANGELICA: I know just
the place. You'll love it.
FRED: I hate it.
ANGELICA: How can you?
Sleeping out
under the stars.
It's so exciting.
I'm not an outdoorsman.
I'm city, raised and bred.
And frankly I get
hay fever watching
Lassie on television.
Besides, I'm a 26-year-old man.
You don't feel
like 26 years old.
That's because I'm dashing.
You are. You are.
Debonair, perhaps but dashing?
Dashing. Dashing, you are.
Dashing, well,
I really do prefer
the word debonair,
but I suppose if
you say I'm dashing, well...
Thank you very much.
It was a great pleasure.
The pleasure was all mine.
So it seemed.
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
ANGELICA: You know
what's wonderful?
FRED: Yes, but let me
hear your version.
ANGELICA: Under the stars
all alone
just the two of us.
RED INDIAN: Bravo!
[CHEERING]
[CLAPPING]
DR. PONTI: Ah, Mrs. Dobbs,
you're so beautiful
and wicked.
Tell me that beast of a
husband drove you to it.
Tell me.
Yes, but in a Ferrari.
When we find him,
I'll fix him for you, good.
I know a little about surgery.
Don't you dare.
[CHUCKLES]
You're so exciting
when you're angry.
I...
[GIGGLES]
CHARLIE: Some thoughtful
strategy is required.
Discretion.
Sensitivity.
Subtlety.
FRANCO: Both ladies
are equally beautiful.
CHARLIE: Desirable. FRANCO: Exquisite.
CHARLIE: Available. FRANCO: One hopes.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
ORNELLA: Come in, darling.
Oh, it's you.
You were expecting
Charlie Harrison?
He is a movie star. Or Franco?
At least. It's getting late.
You're honest.
Yes. And Fred isn't.
Running away with Angelica.
He's an idiot!
No, we're the idiots
trying to change him.
He is what he is.
That's why I married him.
That's why you want him.
Are you always so blunt?
Always.
I know Fred better than you do.
That's why I'm still his wife.
No offense.
The wife he's been
lying to all this time.
A man only lies to
a woman if he wants
to keep hold of her.
He lies to me.
He lies to me all the time.
Then he loves me, too.
Of course he does.
Sometimes I worry
if he loves me.
I mean, really.
He loves you deeply. Devotedly.
I'm his wife, I should know.
He loves you with every
atom of his being.
Are we talking about Fred?
Yes.
He loves you.
Also Liz,
Carolina, Estella,
Moira, Dorothy,
Ruth, Ingrid...
Perhaps we might decide by...
I feel I'm being crude.
You probably are,
but go ahead anyway.
By flipping a coin.
You're right. You are crude.
Heads.
Pardon?
As a guest in
your country, I have
the right of first call.
Oh.Heads.
I knew you couldn't
turn me down,
SignorDobbs. Darling.
Such rough legs, dearest.
I'll rub lotion on them.
Your arms could do with
a bit of a shave, too.
BOTH: Two out of three.
Okay, okay. Seven out of ten.
[HUMMING]
All right, all right,
17 outta 21.
If they smoked this
at the UN,
there'd be no more wars..
Darling, it's 2:00.
Please, I'm still
recovering from 1:00.
[MEN CHATTERING]
[MEN SHOUTING]
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
NARRATOR: This is
Cecil B. DeMillie,
our movie director.
Those guys their knees
are his assistants.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
NARRATOR: When he gives
an order in Italian,
they translate into
three languages.
Sort of walking subtitles.
That keeps it fair.
Nobody understands.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
I can't sleep,
therefore we will
shoot in 15 minutes.
The, er, the ex-boyfriend?
Yes, Cecil B. DeMille.
Wasn't there a great
director by that name?
Of course.
That's where he got it.
Oh, how stupid of me.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING FRENCH] Oh, my dear.
Cecil.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Why isn't this man in makeup?
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Privately, my dear,
I'm sorry we broke up.
Stay away from
my secretary, you maniac.
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
Don't speak again.
You are an extra.
I don't even think
the gorilla would
find me dashing.
Are you glad I won the toss?
What are you really
looking for, Millie?
Mr. Right. And when
I'm sure it's him,
it's he and me
into the sunset. Fade out.
Please note I'm awfully
good at sunsets.
What are my chances?
Both good. Both?
If Charlie Harrison
doesn't get me,
Grant Granite could.
This is the first time
we've been away since
our honeymoon.
Are you certain that we're
doing the right thing?
Trust me.
If I didn't think it
was right, would
I suggest a double suicide?
Of course not.
We should have done
this years ago.
It's my fault.
I've been so busy.
You just got to
love a guy like me.
My angel. I'll see you
at breakfast, my darling.
But why, my love? ORNELLA:
I have a headache, my dearest.
I will massage
it for you, my sweet.
Somebody already is,
my treasure.
What can I say?
Try "goodnight."
Goodnight?
BOTH: Goodnight.
Well, it's my own fault.
I should have told her
to save my place.
Bah!
Oh, bravo.
It's SignorDobbs.
Darling. Ooh.
I worry.
This is the first time
that we've ever
left the children alone.
Sooner or later
they'll have to
face life without us.
In this case, sooner.
They're so innocent. So young.
True.
Eva's only 20
and little Adolph
is only 15.
Exactly.
I feel uneasy about
the way you locked
them into their rooms.
We must be firm.
They're too big to sleep
together any longer.
Oh, I know,
but my little Adolph.
I mean, how is he
going to feed himself
if he's locked in?
Just like usual.
Eva will break down the door,
carry him downstairs,
strap him to his highchair
and force feed him,
just like you do.
It's different. I'm his mother.
I just hope I'm his father.
So do I.
[WHOOPING]
[GUNSHOTS]
[GUNSHOTS]
NARRATOR: Rome wasn't
made in a day.
But these spaghetti
westerns are.
[GUNSHOTS]
Action!
[ALL REPEATING]
Go, go.
[SCREAMS]
I can't imagine
Dobbs spending
the night out-of-doors.
Didn't you tell me that
he was even allergic
to artificial flowers?
Angelica is very
persuasive when
she makes up her...
Body.
I was going to say
mind, but you're
probably right.
[DIRECTOR SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING]
Where?
Well?
[WOMEN GIGGLE]
Fred!
[GASPS]
C. Dobbs?
You think of everything.
This is Charlie Harrison.
Hi.You look like
Grant Granite to me.
Thank you, my dear.
Dobbs, I'm an admirer
of your work.
Personal as well
as professional.
I'd like to buy the
screen rights to your
new play.
Now then, this may seem
a little hard-hearted
but I have a lot to
gain from you and
Millie here fighting.
Sorry to disappoint you,
but we're not going to fight.
Oh, no?
Try this for size.
How are you going
to explain your,
uh, secretary?
And all this to Millie.
Oh, we never fight.Exactly.
And not that it's any of
your business but I was
going to tell her the truth.
The truth? Mmm.
You'd no longer lie to me?
You mean you want me
to lie to you?
Of course.
Then I'd know you still cared.
Perfect. Perfect.
I've got a nasty feeling
this is it.
Fred C. Dobbs, hear me good.
I'm going to Rome
and when you get back I
won't be there.
John Wilkes Booth,
also an actor.
Hold my hand.
Forever, from here to eternity,
[GASPS]
No!
DR. FAHRQUARDT: Oh, perfidy!
Oh, treachery.
Oh, disappointment.
Oh. Oh.
Get rid of that blonde.
How does she know I'm a blonde?
Where did I go wrong?
You gland!
I'd stop smoking if I was you.
[GRUNTING]
[SCREAMING]
All this over me?
[SCREAMING]
[EXCLAIMS]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[SPEAKING GERMAN] I call the police!
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
It's a nightmare. I'll wake up.
My clothes will be on
and it will all go away.
Police! Police!
[POLICE SIRENS WAIL]
CHARLIE: Come on!
Ooh!
[BARKS]
Giddup.
Go on!
Ooh!
Here!
Hang on!
[SCREAMS]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]
Bring back my stagecoach.
You're damn right, we will!
Just don't have
this kind of fun in... Alabama?
Right.
[GUNSHOTS]
We're Baptists back home.
I sure like these
Catholic countries
It's them!
Here.
Excuse me.
[EXCLAIMS]
[DRIVER YELLING]
[POLICE SIRENS APPROACHING]
Fred?
Hey, what the hell
do you think
this is, a library?
No sleeping here. Oh, no sleeping in here,
no sleeping at home.
Ah, nightmares again, eh?
What again? Still!
That dammed gorilla.
Must you forever
trouble me with
your sleazy fantasies?
We were talking
about that fateful
weekend at Castelli.
Oh, Castelli.
[PLAYS SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]
You know, that happened
almost a year ago,
but it seems like yesterday.
Whatever became of
all those loonies? Hmm?
Oh, my ex-wife married
Grant Granite.
She'd never acted before,
so she became the biggest
star in Hollywood.
Those were real bullets.
Now Millie owns
Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.
[ROARS]
[ROARS]
And whatever happened
to that motorcycle hick? Hesther?
She went home
and was elected
governor of Alabama.
I solemnly swear
to uphold the Constitution
of this here State.
ALL: Yeah!
And your ex-mistress,
what was her name?
Ornella Piacentini.
Aah!
She decided to lead
a more quiet life.
FRED: And so did Franco.
[PLAYS ORGAN]
And what about that
little chiropodist,
Dr. Ponti?
Doing three to five.
FRED: Got caught treating
an old sea captain
for athlete's foot.
So? On a wooden leg?
[SINGSONG] Doctor!
She's... Still with me,
just like you.
Oh, but I'm not.Oh.
[SINGSONG] I'm destroying
your whole lousy fleet.
No more treatments.
No more pain.
It's you
who's been causing
those nightmares.
Me?
You're out of your crazy head.
It's your gorilla.
Gorilla? There
is no such thing
as that gorilla.
It's an hallucination.
FRED: Sheer fantasy.
[CHATTERING]
Milton?
I love you.
How can you expect Fred
to return your love
when you're losing your hair?
Eh?
Well, Fred, it's you and I.
Happily ever after.
I doubt it, but we'll
give it a try.
That we will.
[SINGING IN ITALIAN]
♪ So, groove into it ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Be free, just groove into it ♪
♪ Come on, move into it ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ You'll see you'll
groove into it ♪
♪ Come on and move and groove
and move and groove and move ♪
♪ I wanna groove ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Pussycat ♪