Punchy Cowpunchers (1950) - full transcript
The Stooges are cavalrymen in the old west, who are hired to track down the Dillons, a notorious outlaw gang with the help of a pretty female barkeeper and her boyfriend, a handsome cowboy,
[♪]
[♪]
[GUNFIRE]
I reckon it's over now.
That Dillon gang's
runnin' plumb wild again.
I ought to be out there
slinging lead at 'em.
What chance
would you have?
The thing to do is ride
to Fort Scott
and fetch the soldiers.
I reckon you're right,
Nell, honey.
I'm hittin' the trail.
Forgot my guitar.
Goodbye, Nell, honey.
I hurt my knee.
[♪]
[NEIGHS]
Hurry up
with that saddle.
How do you get
this thing on?
It goes this way,
I told you.
Wait a minute,
what about that thing?
That's the backstop,
that's to keep you
from sliding off
backwards.
Oh, no it ain't.
That's the horn.
The what?
The horn.
[HONKS]
By golly,
you're right.
I'm going to toss
the saddle on the nag.
[GRUNTS]
Sorry, sorry.
You all right?
[COUGHS]
Hey, you idiots. Why don't
you watch what you're doing?
Yes, serge.
Right, serge.
Right-o.
Now, get busy.
Get some shoes on
that horse on the double.
Yes, sir, on the double.
Yes, serge, on the double.
Yes, on the double.
MOE: Get shoes on that horse.
They are the laziest
bunch of guys I--
[CLEARS THROAT]
What size, madam? We have
some lovely ground-grippers--
Quiet! Stop the nonsense
and get busy with that hammer.
Go ahead.
Oh!
[CLANG]
Take it easy, serge.
We've got you.
That did it.
I'm gonna give you
one solid year of KP.
[SCREAMS]
[CLANGING]
[COUGHS]
[CLANG]
[GIGGLE]
We'd better
get out of here.
Hey.
This door is locked.
We're trapped.
Oh!
What are you men doing here?
Nothing, captain.
Just inspecting the frame
for flaws in the atnarussic.
Oh, yes, of course.
Flaws in the atnarussic?
Oh, yes.
Ooh.
[GRUNTS]
That's one of them.
I'll teach you
a thing or--
[GASPS]
Captain Daley.
Mullins, what is
the meaning of this?
Well, sir, I was--
Never mind.
The colonel wants
to see you at once.
I'll attend to you later,
Private Mullins.
[WHIMPERS]
Don't you worry
about a thing, son.
We'll take care
of that Dillon gang.
Thank you kindly,
colonel.
Keep forgettin' my guitar.
I'm ridin', sir.
I hurt my knee again.
[BONK]
Beg your pardon.
Reporting as ordered, sir.
At ease.
Sergeant, I need three
or four good men
for a very important mission.
Yes, sir.
I want them to go into
the Panhandle country
disguised as desperadoes
and hook up
with that Dillon gang.
Yes, sir.
You understand, sergeant,
this is a very dangerous
mission.
The Dillons are
ruthless killers
and these men
that you select
probably will never
come back.
I have just the men, sir.
[♪]
Uh-oh.
Come back here.
We're desperadoes, see?
I don't feel
very desperado.
We've got to be tougher
than they are. That's all.
[BOTTLE CAP CLINKS]
Oh, yeah?
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Shut up!
Well, give me back
my front teeth.
Gimme a straight slug.
Me too.
I'll take a double.
Make mine a triple.
I'll take a milkshake.
With sour milk.
Psst.
I'm back, Nell, honey.
What took you so long?
Oh, shucks. I fell off
my horse and had to walk.
What about the soldiers?
That's them.
NELL:
Them?
MAN:
Here's mud in your eye.
[COUGHING]
[GASPING]
Mu--
Mighty smooth.
[WHISPERING]
Maybe we ought to
bump them off.
No, no.
Don't do that.
Tough hombres, eh?
Yeah.
What about it?
Handy with your shootin' irons,
I reckon.
Yeah, I reckon.
Like this?
[STUTTERS]
That's nothing.
Show 'em, Tex.
Show 'em, Tex.
You're Tex.
Go on, show 'em.
Stand clear, hombres,
'cause I'm rough and I'm tough.
Yes, sir, I'm lightning
with a shootin' iron.
That's what I am.
Lightnin'.
Why...
Greased lightnin',
that's what I am.
Why, I'll show you the badge,
that's what I'll do.
[GRUNTS]
I'll have it in a minute.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, shucks,
I forgot to load it.
Put up your guns, boys,
I'll handle this.
You got anything
to say, tenderfoot,
before I gun you down?
( clicks )
Your gun is empty.
Moe.
Greased lightnin',
that's what I am.
Take it easy.
Take it easy, Tex.
Clear out,
you polecats,
before I get real
rough with you.
Go on. Get out.
Oh, Elmer.
Nell, honey.
Ow.
Look at this.
Look at this.
Get it off,
will you?
Hello, boys.
What happened
to your guns?
We ran into
three strangers, boss.
Three strangers?
Do you know who they are?
No, I never seen 'em
before.
Lefty trailed 'em here
from Fort Scott.
They're spies.
Spies?
They'll have the troops
down on us.
Well, I'm leaving.
Wait a minute.
We're not leaving here.
Not till we clean out
the town.
Anyway,
how can those hombres
report to Fort Scott,
if they're dead?
Yeah.
If it's information you want,
this is the place to get it.
Dillon and his gang come
here nearly every night.
We'll be all ears.
This is the last
of it.
The stage gets held up
so regular
we got to keep the gold
from the mine in that safe.
MOE:
Wow! Does Dillon
know about it?
NELL: Oh, no.
MOE: That's good.
Look!
ELMER:
Oh, shucks, I missed.
NELL:
Now Dillon will know
about the gold.
That settles it, kid.
You've got to ride.
Tell the colonel we need
the United States Cavalry.
I reckon you're right, partner.
I'm hittin' the trail.
[CRASHING]
Sounds like the trail
hit him.
And the little
one said:
"Who's been sleeping
in my bed?"
Wait till you taste this.
You'll love it
[♪]
That'll--
That'll be two bits.
See them?
No, I don't.
Okay, gents,
what'll it be?
What are you having, boys?
Have you seen anything
of three strangers around here?
No, there ain't been no
strangers around here, partner.
Say, there was a couple of
sheepherders in here about 7.
And a few cowpokes about--
Oh, a little while
after that.
The only strangers
that I know
left town
on the 4:00 stage.
And come to think of it,
there was three of 'em.
Did you check that stage
like I told you?
BLACKJACK:
Sure I did, boss.
I wouldn't miss an
important thing like that.
There was only two old miners
and some dude.
Well, well...
Spying, eh?
No.
Leaving.
[CHATTERING]
Ow!
Where's the other one?
He's gone, I guess.
Then we'll have
to work fast.
Blackjack, go get the girl.
I'm taking her with us.
Right.
Lefty, you open that safe.
Sure.
Take it easy.
Now, I wonder where
the other one went?
[CHUCKLES]
W-wait for me.
[♪]
Go on, get 'em.
[YELPING]
The boss is taking you
along with him.
Just in case
he gets lonesome.
[SCREAMS]
Help! Help!
Colonel, there's trouble
at Coyote Creek.
We need the cavalry.
I'm sorry, son,
but yesterday
was payday and...
Well, you know,
boys will be boys.
You mean no
United States Cavalry?
No United States Cavalry.
Colonel,
I'm ridin' alone.
Oh, no.
[CHUCKLES]
[♪]
[SCREAMS]
Please!
Oh! Oh!
Please. I'm just
a poor, weak woman.
[GLASS BREAKS]
[SIGHS]
[♪]
[CHUCKLES]
Ah!
Looks like we're
going to need help.
Go tell Blackjack to tie up
the girl and come here.
Right, boss.
I've got him.
Step back.
[♪]
See 'em?
No, but we'll get 'em.
[♪]
[GASPS, SCREAMS]
No, no, please!
[♪]
Oh, please!
I'm just a poor,
weak woman!
[SIGHS]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[♪]
Ow!
Oh, Moe.
I'm sorry.
Wait a minute,
you--
Go on,
take him.
[♪]
I got the safe open.
Good. Let's go.
Right.
LARRY AND MOE:
Shemp, look out.
Whoa!
[♪]
[GASPS]
He's gone.
Let's empty that safe
and get out
of here fast.
You said you opened this.
I did.
It's locked. Never mind
I know the combination.
[♪]
He's in there.
That settles it.
We'll blast.
[MAN YELLS INDISTINCTLY]
All right. I'll keep
an eye on them.
You go see what's
holding up the boys.
[♪]
[♪]
[GASPS]
Oh.
[SIGHS]
[BUMP]
[♪]
A sparkler.
Oh, no!
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
Hey.
[SHOUTING]
Ow!
Look out!
What are you guys doin'?
Playin' horsie-horsie?
[GRUNTING]
Come on untie us.
Where's Nell?
In there.
Thanks, partner.
Nell, honey.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, no.
[CHATTERING]
Oh, I see
we got Dillon, too.
Oh, isn't it wonderful,
Elmer.
Now we can get married.
Now, wait a minute,
Nell.
Us Westerners ain't
the marrying kind.
We just go ridin' off
into the sunset.
[STRUMS]
♪ Oh, give me a home ♪
♪ Where the buffalo-- ♪
Nell, honey.
Elmer.
Oh....
[SIGHS]
[♪]
[♪]
[GUNFIRE]
I reckon it's over now.
That Dillon gang's
runnin' plumb wild again.
I ought to be out there
slinging lead at 'em.
What chance
would you have?
The thing to do is ride
to Fort Scott
and fetch the soldiers.
I reckon you're right,
Nell, honey.
I'm hittin' the trail.
Forgot my guitar.
Goodbye, Nell, honey.
I hurt my knee.
[♪]
[NEIGHS]
Hurry up
with that saddle.
How do you get
this thing on?
It goes this way,
I told you.
Wait a minute,
what about that thing?
That's the backstop,
that's to keep you
from sliding off
backwards.
Oh, no it ain't.
That's the horn.
The what?
The horn.
[HONKS]
By golly,
you're right.
I'm going to toss
the saddle on the nag.
[GRUNTS]
Sorry, sorry.
You all right?
[COUGHS]
Hey, you idiots. Why don't
you watch what you're doing?
Yes, serge.
Right, serge.
Right-o.
Now, get busy.
Get some shoes on
that horse on the double.
Yes, sir, on the double.
Yes, serge, on the double.
Yes, on the double.
MOE: Get shoes on that horse.
They are the laziest
bunch of guys I--
[CLEARS THROAT]
What size, madam? We have
some lovely ground-grippers--
Quiet! Stop the nonsense
and get busy with that hammer.
Go ahead.
Oh!
[CLANG]
Take it easy, serge.
We've got you.
That did it.
I'm gonna give you
one solid year of KP.
[SCREAMS]
[CLANGING]
[COUGHS]
[CLANG]
[GIGGLE]
We'd better
get out of here.
Hey.
This door is locked.
We're trapped.
Oh!
What are you men doing here?
Nothing, captain.
Just inspecting the frame
for flaws in the atnarussic.
Oh, yes, of course.
Flaws in the atnarussic?
Oh, yes.
Ooh.
[GRUNTS]
That's one of them.
I'll teach you
a thing or--
[GASPS]
Captain Daley.
Mullins, what is
the meaning of this?
Well, sir, I was--
Never mind.
The colonel wants
to see you at once.
I'll attend to you later,
Private Mullins.
[WHIMPERS]
Don't you worry
about a thing, son.
We'll take care
of that Dillon gang.
Thank you kindly,
colonel.
Keep forgettin' my guitar.
I'm ridin', sir.
I hurt my knee again.
[BONK]
Beg your pardon.
Reporting as ordered, sir.
At ease.
Sergeant, I need three
or four good men
for a very important mission.
Yes, sir.
I want them to go into
the Panhandle country
disguised as desperadoes
and hook up
with that Dillon gang.
Yes, sir.
You understand, sergeant,
this is a very dangerous
mission.
The Dillons are
ruthless killers
and these men
that you select
probably will never
come back.
I have just the men, sir.
[♪]
Uh-oh.
Come back here.
We're desperadoes, see?
I don't feel
very desperado.
We've got to be tougher
than they are. That's all.
[BOTTLE CAP CLINKS]
Oh, yeah?
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Shut up!
Well, give me back
my front teeth.
Gimme a straight slug.
Me too.
I'll take a double.
Make mine a triple.
I'll take a milkshake.
With sour milk.
Psst.
I'm back, Nell, honey.
What took you so long?
Oh, shucks. I fell off
my horse and had to walk.
What about the soldiers?
That's them.
NELL:
Them?
MAN:
Here's mud in your eye.
[COUGHING]
[GASPING]
Mu--
Mighty smooth.
[WHISPERING]
Maybe we ought to
bump them off.
No, no.
Don't do that.
Tough hombres, eh?
Yeah.
What about it?
Handy with your shootin' irons,
I reckon.
Yeah, I reckon.
Like this?
[STUTTERS]
That's nothing.
Show 'em, Tex.
Show 'em, Tex.
You're Tex.
Go on, show 'em.
Stand clear, hombres,
'cause I'm rough and I'm tough.
Yes, sir, I'm lightning
with a shootin' iron.
That's what I am.
Lightnin'.
Why...
Greased lightnin',
that's what I am.
Why, I'll show you the badge,
that's what I'll do.
[GRUNTS]
I'll have it in a minute.
[GRUNTS]
Oh, shucks,
I forgot to load it.
Put up your guns, boys,
I'll handle this.
You got anything
to say, tenderfoot,
before I gun you down?
( clicks )
Your gun is empty.
Moe.
Greased lightnin',
that's what I am.
Take it easy.
Take it easy, Tex.
Clear out,
you polecats,
before I get real
rough with you.
Go on. Get out.
Oh, Elmer.
Nell, honey.
Ow.
Look at this.
Look at this.
Get it off,
will you?
Hello, boys.
What happened
to your guns?
We ran into
three strangers, boss.
Three strangers?
Do you know who they are?
No, I never seen 'em
before.
Lefty trailed 'em here
from Fort Scott.
They're spies.
Spies?
They'll have the troops
down on us.
Well, I'm leaving.
Wait a minute.
We're not leaving here.
Not till we clean out
the town.
Anyway,
how can those hombres
report to Fort Scott,
if they're dead?
Yeah.
If it's information you want,
this is the place to get it.
Dillon and his gang come
here nearly every night.
We'll be all ears.
This is the last
of it.
The stage gets held up
so regular
we got to keep the gold
from the mine in that safe.
MOE:
Wow! Does Dillon
know about it?
NELL: Oh, no.
MOE: That's good.
Look!
ELMER:
Oh, shucks, I missed.
NELL:
Now Dillon will know
about the gold.
That settles it, kid.
You've got to ride.
Tell the colonel we need
the United States Cavalry.
I reckon you're right, partner.
I'm hittin' the trail.
[CRASHING]
Sounds like the trail
hit him.
And the little
one said:
"Who's been sleeping
in my bed?"
Wait till you taste this.
You'll love it
[♪]
That'll--
That'll be two bits.
See them?
No, I don't.
Okay, gents,
what'll it be?
What are you having, boys?
Have you seen anything
of three strangers around here?
No, there ain't been no
strangers around here, partner.
Say, there was a couple of
sheepherders in here about 7.
And a few cowpokes about--
Oh, a little while
after that.
The only strangers
that I know
left town
on the 4:00 stage.
And come to think of it,
there was three of 'em.
Did you check that stage
like I told you?
BLACKJACK:
Sure I did, boss.
I wouldn't miss an
important thing like that.
There was only two old miners
and some dude.
Well, well...
Spying, eh?
No.
Leaving.
[CHATTERING]
Ow!
Where's the other one?
He's gone, I guess.
Then we'll have
to work fast.
Blackjack, go get the girl.
I'm taking her with us.
Right.
Lefty, you open that safe.
Sure.
Take it easy.
Now, I wonder where
the other one went?
[CHUCKLES]
W-wait for me.
[♪]
Go on, get 'em.
[YELPING]
The boss is taking you
along with him.
Just in case
he gets lonesome.
[SCREAMS]
Help! Help!
Colonel, there's trouble
at Coyote Creek.
We need the cavalry.
I'm sorry, son,
but yesterday
was payday and...
Well, you know,
boys will be boys.
You mean no
United States Cavalry?
No United States Cavalry.
Colonel,
I'm ridin' alone.
Oh, no.
[CHUCKLES]
[♪]
[SCREAMS]
Please!
Oh! Oh!
Please. I'm just
a poor, weak woman.
[GLASS BREAKS]
[SIGHS]
[♪]
[CHUCKLES]
Ah!
Looks like we're
going to need help.
Go tell Blackjack to tie up
the girl and come here.
Right, boss.
I've got him.
Step back.
[♪]
See 'em?
No, but we'll get 'em.
[♪]
[GASPS, SCREAMS]
No, no, please!
[♪]
Oh, please!
I'm just a poor,
weak woman!
[SIGHS]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIGHS]
[♪]
Ow!
Oh, Moe.
I'm sorry.
Wait a minute,
you--
Go on,
take him.
[♪]
I got the safe open.
Good. Let's go.
Right.
LARRY AND MOE:
Shemp, look out.
Whoa!
[♪]
[GASPS]
He's gone.
Let's empty that safe
and get out
of here fast.
You said you opened this.
I did.
It's locked. Never mind
I know the combination.
[♪]
He's in there.
That settles it.
We'll blast.
[MAN YELLS INDISTINCTLY]
All right. I'll keep
an eye on them.
You go see what's
holding up the boys.
[♪]
[♪]
[GASPS]
Oh.
[SIGHS]
[BUMP]
[♪]
A sparkler.
Oh, no!
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh.
Hey.
[SHOUTING]
Ow!
Look out!
What are you guys doin'?
Playin' horsie-horsie?
[GRUNTING]
Come on untie us.
Where's Nell?
In there.
Thanks, partner.
Nell, honey.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, no.
[CHATTERING]
Oh, I see
we got Dillon, too.
Oh, isn't it wonderful,
Elmer.
Now we can get married.
Now, wait a minute,
Nell.
Us Westerners ain't
the marrying kind.
We just go ridin' off
into the sunset.
[STRUMS]
♪ Oh, give me a home ♪
♪ Where the buffalo-- ♪
Nell, honey.
Elmer.
Oh....
[SIGHS]
[♪]