Protéger & servir (2010) - full transcript

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Woolfy Goes Wild

- Hello?
- Nobody's in the store, right?

We're not open. Who's this?

So Boom-boom, then.

'Boom-boom'?

Boom-boom!

TO PROTECT & SERVE

Quick! She's going to jump!

Left!

So, Lt Houang?

What do you think?



Tuna. Tuna salad.

No mayo.

All right!

What?

Nothing.

And Michel?

Ham and cheese.

No... I mean up there.

A female suicide.

In Matthew's gospel,
Jesus said:

Shut up!

"Ask and you shall receive,
seek and you shall find."

Shut up!

"Thou shalt not... kill thyself".



If she jumps I don't need to go up.

- Here you go.
- Very good.

Bravo!
Thanks.

- No mayo?
- No mayo.

That's 4460, lieutenant.

Dear God, she's going to Jump!

You're new, eh?

Just assigned to Lts Boudriau and Houang.

Right.

Big building... compared to
a smaller building.

You'll make some trio.

I'm sure of it.

Kill yourself,
and you'll regret it forever.

Suicide's no fun!

It'll kill you!

Hi, Michel.

Kim.

I'll climb onto the ledge,
and save her.

Yes, but...

No ledge.

It's Ok!

I'm in control!

I can't get back. It's too high.

It's too high!

Don't move, I'm coming.

Wow!

Don't look down.

Close your eyes. Come to me.

Gently does it.

Good. Eyes closed!

Big breaths, that's it.

We're doing very nicely...

Gently does it...

Just a bit more, lovely.

I think you can let her go now.

Right, yes.

We'll have to take a statement,
at the station.

I suggest tomorrow evening.
Oh, but we're closed.

So we'll keep it simple, just between us.

That's my address.
7, Rue Gambetta, in Suresnes.

The name's Kim. Kim Houang.

Bye...

See you tomorrow.

Can you look after Missie?
Is that possible?

Houang!

You evaluation tests?

Where's Father Brown?

Michel? Waiting in the Logan.

Right, let's go!

Hey, Kim...

I brought Jean-Pierre,
he's lonely at home.

You should come and keep us company.

She's a stunner.

Houang, you're insatiable.

Don't start, you...

Remy, what's that?

Counterfeit cheesy cubes.

Brilliant!

What's up? It's for the investigation.

- Sure, Loo.
- Put them away.

Hang on!

I suspected as much.

Jesus is the number one!

Jesus is the number one!

Rock on!

What's this crap?

My film script.
Want to read it again?

Christ, no!

I remember it well. It's great.

No victims, but substantial damage.

The bomb exploded before
the store opened.

Another attack signed

by the mysterious '618' group.

The police are fully mobilised.

Let the evil terrorists be warned:

we won't yield to provocation.

Even if the terrorists confirm
that paying a ransom

means the attacks will stop.

Thank you.

New hair-do, Angela?

I put some curls in.

It's a disaster.
Get it redone, right away.

You're slow, Monin, don't you work out?

Next time, try the gym,
not prep school.

Move it!

It stinks!

Letellier's breath is a sewer.

Hey, Boudriau...

B&Q do clothes now?

How're you, Schmidt?

- Nice guy, Schmidt.
- Yes.

Look what Marie-Claude knitted me.

Very nice.

Just like your sweater.

- And your tie.
- Saucy devil!

Careful!

Unhand that child!

You wretch! Release it!

Let it go!

Hey, Houang, standing next to Boudriau...

you're risking your life!

But I'm a good shot.

Crawl back to your zoo.

Right gentleman, and lady...

You have 6 bullets.

A little reminder...

Numero uno:

The grades count for your
annual evaluation.

Numero secundo,

Secondly...

In the case of bad grades,

bottom marks,

if you're not a crack shot,

demotion is imminent.

So, kick some....

Er, move your...

Whatever. As you like!

Questions?

Yes.

Can we put a puppy on Houang's target?

Why?

He only shoots his load with dogs!

Clips in!

Ready! Go!

1 bullet!

2 bullets!

3 bullets! 4 bullets!

5 bullets!

And the last one! Bulls-eye!

Golly!

Right...

Boudriau, 5 In the centre, bingo!

Houang, pathetic, total crap: 1!

Schmidt, 4, not bad.

Delaire, 5, much better.

Solange.

2...

2 is good.

Very good.

I'll add 2 for style.

I'm coming!

Ok.

After you.

Natacha?

- Natacha Bouvier
- Do I know you?

You bet! Kim Houang.

We were at college together!

- Oh, yes.
- Yes!

Remember! Mrs Cody in French class,
"Stop fighting, kids!"

Why are you here?

To supervise the police tests.

Awesome! I'm a cop!

See you in a jiffy!

- Boudriau, Michel!
- Present!

Hey, Dribbles!

Nice abs!

'Dribbles'?

Absurd!
My name's Boudriau.

Let's go!

Go for it, Michael Phelps!

Ok, I was in control.

It's his own special technique.

Natacha, you know me!

I wouldn't lie.

Who hasn't been yet?

Me!

It was only a little toot.

Please, Michel.

Nice body, the instructor.

So you know her?

- Very odd, she's cute.
- So?

There's choir practice tomorrow.
You want to come?

And see Father Mignard?

He likes you, you know.

Yeah, really.

He often asks after you.

Good evening.

How's life?

I wish I was dead.

At least you have ambitions!

Come in.

It's cosier here than at the station.

You should think positive.

Life is beautiful.

It's magical.

Just look around you.

1 Coke, the Real Thing!

Here you are.

You work in a restaurant?

Er, me, no...

A friend of mine, but I did
pick up some arty stuff.

So you like bargains, too?

Guess how much. Need a clue?

Less than 100 for 50m.

Ah, yes!

The bargain of the year, a freebie.

Some company was throwing out
its fridges.

It's sturdy, too.

It wasn't a hassle moving it?

Pardon?

For zero euros? No hassle at all.

I'll fetch the cheesy cubes.

If you like bargains,

we're going to get along great.

But I don't care about money.

I'm even a bit of a 'spender'.

But I don't like being conned.

Cheesy cubes!

Where are you?

Everything is haywire,
Everything is mad,

But fret not, my brother,
Poverty's not so bad.

You say money's vital,

I say 'love is all'.

Poverty's only a problem of money.

So forget your yellow teeth.

God puts sunshine in your smile.

Feel the light go through you.

Sing and dance with me,
the Hurray-Halleluia!

Come on, kids, all together!

Jesus suffered for you all!

- He turned water into wine.
- Just for his pals.

- Making bread galore!
- Who can ask for more!

- He even walked on water.
- Like a Saviour ought to.

So let's say 'bravo!'

Hurray!

Hurray!

Dance the the Hurray-Halleluia!

Hurray!

Dance the the Hurray-Halleluia!

Nice one, Mikey!

- Thanks, kids!
- Thanks, Michel!

Bravo.

Pascal, a word.

Come on, kids!

Hurry up!

- Don't forget, I need you.
- I know.

'Youth Counseling' in the projects.

Can you stay for dinner?
Celeriac salad.

- With beetroot?
- You, you must stay.

Kim too, of course.

I have to go.

I can't, Marie-Jo's expecting me.

I got your card, with the cheque.
Every penny counts.

But stop signing "from M and K".

I know Kim.
He's as tight as hen's teeth.

He's careful with cash, that's all.

You're too nice. Too nice.

He's too nice.

I.T. Department

Chloe?

Kim.

I could get fired for this.

'Evaluations 2009', I'm in.

Look, I'm there.

Give me the max.

For shooting and swimming.
Michel too.

No, the max for Michel,
a bit less for me.

He likes coming first.

Right, now for Schmidt!

Cancel all his grades!

Give him 1 and 2!

Brilliant!

I just need to confirm it.

So, confirm away!

What's in it for me?

Right...

You know what?
There's this great deal.

At B&Q, the garden hose dep't.

They're giving them away.
A 50m reel for 9960.

That's 10m for less than 22.

No garden.

I don't think you get it.
10m for lass than 22!

I want a kiss.

- A coffee, maybe?
- A kiss.

On the mouth.

No way.

And the tongue?

A proper kiss is with the tongue.

I don't think so...

Not the tongue.

- Never heard of that.
- Oh, yes.

With the tongue, and it wiggles.

No, not me!

Confirming

Drugs...

- Come in!
- It's me, Remy.

Right, kids.

Drugs...

Drugs are for mugs.

To prove it, I've asked Steven to share...

Steeve, with 2 'e's.

Steven sold drugs.

It's bad. I'm sorry.

And where did drugs get you?

Well, in winter, Florida,
but mostly in Monaco...

No, no, before!
When you got caught!

Oh, right...gosh!

My day in prison. It was horrible.

- Terrible.
- Terrible.

Prison...

And meanwhile Pascal here...

got a plumber's diploma.

And where did that lead you?

A training course
at the Power Plant.

Which entails what?

Picking up stuff.

Picking up stuff...

And paid at 70% of minimum wage!

Pascal also sings in my choir.

But that's another story.

So, kids, on one hand: prison.

And on the other: a plumber's diploma,
and fun, fun, fun!

It's your choice!

This dude is down!

Houang.

You look sick.

Did you eat something poxy?

Anyway, I've a little problem.

It was you that I sent out

on the suicide job, in the 16th?

Yes. yes, indeed.

I don't quite get it.
2 days ago the girl jumps in Paris.

Now she's found in the suburbs.

7 Rue Gambetta, Suresnes
Sound familiar?

Rue Gambetta's are everywhere.

Any explanation?

For what? No...

She jumps in Paris.

In the city.

And lands in suburbia.

On your street.

What did she do?

Did she glide?

Was it windy?

Ah, yes, no, I know!

I want to read a report, Houang.
I can't wait.

Right, sir.

What does that say, Michel?

- 'Free'?
- Obviously, but...

- 'offer valid till...'
- February 6th.

Right, dammit.

CSI-Sticksville...

Morning!

Morning.

Ah, Schmidt.

You like cars, tuning and all that...

I know a thing or two.

Good. Your grades suck.
You're on traffic duty.

You'll love it!

Belfort!

Quimperlé!
I'm lost, Boudriau.

First in the evaluations.
A mystery.

A miracle?

Divine intervention?

Hard work, a little talent.

I don't understand, sir.

Belfort and Quimperlé?
But we're the best?

You're promoted.

So, Boudriau: Quimperlé,
Houang: Belfort.

I chose your new towns.

Belfort!

The Far East, for the Chinaman!

I'm Vietnamese!

Same difference.

And gentlemen, one doesn't
refuse a promotion.

Golly! We've never been apart
since we were 8!

So, as you lot say: 'Sayonara!'

Nasty man!

So we have 37 presents,
and 37 children.

Perfect.

Who's this?

Kim Houang?

He was adopted by Viet restaurateurs.

They died last week in a car crash.

A Renault 16, TX.

Oh dearie me.

We're one present short.

He's ruined everything!

Never mind. Next year, perhaps.

In the name of the Father:
Merry Christmas!

If you like, we can share.

Thanks.

I'm Michel Boudriau.

- And you?
- Kim Houang.

- Will you be my friend?
- Yes.

- Perhaps God is testing us.
- Stop it.

It's not that far. There's the TGV.

The TGV?

Michel, I don't think you realise.

Without the Junior Reduction Card,

or a Flexipass,

we'll only get 25% discount. Tops!

Yes, there's APEX tickets!

But only off-peak!

The 'internet bargains'

are all ridiculously strict.

No exchanges or refunds!
A nightmare!

Don't fret.

I'll find a solution.

As usual.

I'm going to the cafe.
Do you want a sandwich?

No thanks, Michel.

I'm buying.

So what?

No.

Two guards, and they're
not play acting.

7 cameras, I've filmed everything.

Yeah, ciao.

Sir, it's no smoking here.

Do I look like I give a shit?

Asshole!

You're shooting, huh?

‘Cameras, acting', I get it.

Yeah, right, it's a film.

Called 'Fuck Off'.

I knew it!

One can be in the police

and know showbiz.

Lt Boudriau.

Charmed.

- My pleasure.
- No, mine.

Are you filming nearby?

Exactly, yeah...

We're on a reccy,

preparing a candid camera job.

In the bakery.

Switching the croissants
and the chocolate donuts.

A gag.

It's a hoot.

Oh, you TV guys!

You don't do things by halves.

The customer buys a croissant,
but it's a donut.

And then vice versa.

Very comical!

It's hilarious!

In fact...

I'm in the business too.

I write.

It's not bad.

You want to read it?

No.

Alright then.

You'll love it.

Minister, I have appointed
our 2 finest security agents,

Captains Brocard and Mercier,

and requested inter-agency reports...

And the SWAT team is on red alert.

But the terrorists know you by heart.

They know all your protocols,
habits and intentions.

We must surprise them!

Surprise is always the key.

Use real cops.

I assure you, I have the men I need.

Leave it to me.

I will surprise you.

Thanks, Sebastien. Stay a moment.

Take the top 2 men from the evaluations.

That will surprise them!

There is another solution.

What if the government paid?

A Mint Imperial? Take the packet.

"Lt Boudriau exits the darkened room

and addresses the commissioner:

'The bank in Leon Blum Square

is at risk every Friday at 5pm.

The wee break..."

That's 'tea-break'...

"The guards' tea-break
and the broken alarm mean...

the money's unguarded."

You made that up?

No, I use our files, and improvise.

Yes, but, for example, the PDB...

It's there!

But I'll change the names.

Ah, Ok.

- You got more like this?
- Loads!

Really?

Because, in fact,

I'm a producer.

Ange Romero Productions.

That's muggins.

And stuff like this, for me, means

I whole series, like...

Columbo?

Right, the bald guy!

With the lollypop!

"Who loves ya!".

I must admit,

that I can act, too.

You'd be a fool not to,

with your looks. Take advantage, eh?

I'll get this read

by the studio bigwigs.

I can smell money.

There's 'show' and 'business'...

And I'm the missing link.

Think about it.

Thanks a lot, Mr Romero.

My number and address

are on every page!

And front and back covers!

A Sprite, please.
Oh, my 7UP will do to celebrate!

Kim!

I met a producer in the cafe.
Fame beckons!

Good for you.

- Eat something.
- Later.

A producer in a cafe?

Yes! And he loves my work!

Boudriau, Houang.

Tomorrow, 8am.

Police HQ, a royal summons.

Ms Aude Letellier himself.

Oops! Excuse me!

Sorry!

The barrier, please!

Thanks.

Sorry I'm late.

The baby had diarrhoea in my bath.
And...

Spare me the details.

Lieutenants, upstairs.

- What does she want?
- Let me do the talking.

Right, no problem.

Fatso's busting my balls!

My two guys were perfect.

A Tic-Tac?

Commissioner...

- Monin, can't you knock?
- I did.

Did you learn nothing in the Brownies?

- The new men are here.
- Show them in.

Hello. Police.

You called us?

Do you know why you're here?

- Our transfers?
- The suicide?

Your evaluations are excellent.

The Minister was impressed.

As was I.

We need to chat. Sit.

Lieutenant Houang?

Houang? Is that Chinese?

Vietnamese, in fact.

It was my foster-parents' name.

Restaurateurs, killed in a car crash...

Chinese food is so confusing.

So many dishes!
The menu’s the Yellow Pages!

And you, Lt Boudriau.

What's your CV?

I'm 42 & a half,

17 years on the job
and 15 wed to Marie-Jo.

We have 6 children.

I'll show you the latest.

Look.

- My sympathies.
- Thanks.

You are aware of the bomb attack?

Yes, of course, sure, yes.

Nasty business.

And?

- Nasty business.
- Yes.

Very nasty.

Read that.

It's Woolfy.

I gave one to Bea for her birthday.

I don't give a shit, Monin!

The Minister wishes
to use men from the field.

Not highly-qualified profilers,

but raw, instinctive types,

like you.

Our elite.

So I am naming you
'Messrs Terrorism'.

With exclusive authority
for case 618!

Any questions?

Do we get a percentage of the ransom?

No?

Interesting...

If we succeed, can we
both stay in Paris?

And your promotion?

We'd rather say together. We've never
been apart since the orphanage.

Since the age of 5...

And that's why...

Ok, granted.

Thank you.

Yes, Angela?

Let me introduce
Lts Boudriau and Houang,

Messrs Terrorism.

Hello.

38, Angela?

38?

You're a size 38,
but you insist on wearing 34.

Your fat arse is not pretty.

I insist on smart clothes.

You have the full case-file.

The letter posted at the Louvre

and the bomb residue.

May I, ma'am?

Clues provide leads.

"Clues provide leads?"

Of course!

"We want 15MM, 618".

Strange writing.

I sense serious progress.

The terrorists are doomed.

Keep me constantly informed.

Angela has my info.

I'll go see her.

Monin!

That's her mobile number.

What's this?

That's mine.

Just in case.

Michel!

We can stay together!

Yes!

If we solve the case!

I'm all excited. I need to write!

I'm excited, too!

Phone, please, mine's dead.

It's in the office.

Oh, I have one bar left.

OK, then.

It's Kim, 'Mr. Terrorism'.

Did I detect desire in your eyes?

Free tonight?

I'm busy tonight.

And you're wrong about my eyes.

So. are we in the shit?

What are they like?

The Minister is really very good.

What can I say?

They're very, very ugly...

Tic-Tac?

No, I hate them.

I see.

It's not auto-propulsive.
The detonator's not an SPD type.

The fuse is non-dry-ignition

and the explosive is not nitroglycerine,

TNT, Dynaroc, or C4.

That means what?

It means I don't know.

Champenard?

Pierre Champenard,
the Ribéry of pentrite.

On sick leave for the past year.
He's your man.

Where do we find him?

Check the Rolodex.
It's my lunch break till 4.

See you, eh?

That's funny, he knows my postcode!

What?

Yeah. C-U-A.

Pink Panther at Ground Zero. 8pm.

Yes!

Morning, madam. We're the police.

Come in, young men, it's open.

Sit down, I'll fetch some ice tea.

We're looking for Pierre.

My son? He hasn't visited me for ages.

We need to consult him for our case...

- She's naked.
- I know.

- Stark naked.
- I saw!

Good idea!

It is very hot.

For February.

Thanks, madam, very kind of you.

Smells good.

So, boys, what was the question?

Terrorism, a full-frontal attack...

...er, a nude case, a new case...

and the butt of the issue...

Absolutely. I'll take it from here, Kim.

We'd really like to pump you, madam...

Oh, thanks.

...for information, for our case.

It concerns a bomb attack.

And your son's the expert.

It's not cold enough!

I can't take it, Michel.

No, Kim! We need Champenard!

Otherwise it's Belfort
and Quimperlé! Relax!

We need your son, madam.

He's in a rest-home.

God is testing us, Kim.

Think of Jesus.

Jesus?

Oh, that feels good!

I'm so hot!

If you say so.

No, thanks.

In fact...

I like my iced tea...hot.

With pleasure! I'll take two.

Two?

The PDB.

No alarms, no guards...
Like candy from a baby.

How did you get the tip?

My love of literature.

You should learn to read.

Saves so much time.

That's for you,

for you...

And for me.

For you, for you, for me.

You took more.

Don't get greedy!

Who's the brains and the boss?

Asshole!

Police Health Centre

Lts Boudriau and Houang, Terrorism.

Mr Champenard's room, please.

Champenard...

Psychiatric ward,
room 18, block 4.

I'll be right there.

Can I use the phone?
There's no signal.

Yes, there is.

There isn't. I know
a signal when I see one.

Right.

Unbelievable!

It's for the job!

Pasquier!

Boudriau!

- What are you doing here?
- Resting.

I didn't know you had psych issues.

There's nothing wrong with me.
We're all faking here.

You want to fuck me, bitch!

You dirty whore!

- Are you family?
- Huh?

You were saying?

Why did you say that?

It's to stay here.

It beats working.
We're fed and paid.

Everyone's faking something.

My scam's Tourette's.

- Are you locked up?
- No.

I'm on a TV talk-show next week.

Record it, I'm going wild.

I need to find
a Pierre Champenard,

- Suck my dick!
- No.

In the garden.

I said no.

I mean Champenard.

Oh, sorry, right.

I'll pick you up at 8, Angela.

And then the restaurant's on me.

No, no, I insist.

My little babies.

Mr Champenard?

Lieutenant Boudriau, Mr Terrorism.

We need your explosives expertise
on a Top Secret mission.

I'm on sick leave.

Listen...

I know you're all faking.

But play ball, or I'll tell.

2 days, then you're back.

Mr Champenard, it's lunch time.

Well, the food will be a change.

Daddy'll be home soon.

She's expecting.

Nice pussy.

The 66 lunch menu, with wine,
is in the evenings too?

No? What if...

- Kim!
- Just a minute.

If I came for lunch...

at about 8.30, for example...

Excuse me.

Michel...

The man is weeing on you.

Of course.

It's quite normal.

Just for show.

They're all faking.

He's not faking. It's real wee.

Go ahead. That's better.

Keep going, another dribble.

Don't worry, I know.

- Ready.
- Right, let's go, then.

I'll call back.

Bye.

Almost forgot!

Michel, watch the road.

Can I help you?

I'm next door.
I write cop shows.

I'll show you... no? Ok.

Right, I'm going to write.

Don't screw up, Kim, Ok!

Look, Jean, this isn't for fun.
It's for the job.

Back first thing, intact!

Have I ever let you down? No!

What generosity!

What kind of man are you?

Leave us, you monster!

My babe is innocent,
and I have no more milk!

I'll pay you, just give me time!

I care not a fig!
My money... or you're out!

But the winter wind blows cold!

Then needs must, madam!

Wed me!

Wed me!

By Mary and the Saints!

Unhand that woman and babe!

Are you an angel?

No, madam. Let me introduce myself:

Lt Michel Boudriau,
Cop and Christian!

Yet I thought all policemen

were in the pay of the rich.

Why act thus?

It is my job.

To protect, serve and punish,
and forgive.

That's my job!

Is it yours?

My milk flows again...

Boudriau.

Ange Romero, from the TV.

Did you like my script?

Oh, yes, the studio's well chuffed.

They loved it. And even better...

They want more.

Really? Listen to this...

"It's freezing out,
the winter wind blows cold...

A wicked landlord
evicts a poor damsel...

about to beget..."

No. The info I want is dead simple.

Cash transfer jobs,

jewelers and stuff.
The TV loves that, you know?

I need times, codes and alarms,
American-style!

American-style?

No problemo.

Do you want diagrams, too?

Michel, you say 'diagrams',
I say 'bingo'!

Regards to you and yours.

That's my job!

What do I tell the Minister's office?

That everything's Ok.

Boudriau and Houang are tip-top,

Yours sincerely, etc.

And that fatso's a dickhead.
Politely, Morin.

Thanks for picking me up.

My pleasure. My car.

Are you Ok?

Yeah...let's eat.

We should help, no?

Of course, let's help.

I'm going up.

What a pisser!

I'm fine.

- Are you Ok?
- Fine.

And Her Majesty?

Unharmed, she took cover
just before the explosion.

Just before?

Just before...

...the explosion.

Mummy forgot your seeds.

I'll be right back.

Is there any food around here?

There are snacks just here.

Yes. I see.

We move to phase 2.

Get the phone-bomb,
and for the prof: kapow!

How's the analysis coming?

I've finished.

I'm thirsty.

Michel?

There's been another explosion...

What?

He ate the hamster.

ls there any Bovril?

Oh, no!

It's a techno-synthesis...

ETA-type fuse,
Islamist-style ignition,

typical Corsican explosive,
and Red Brigade retardant.

Only an expert could make it.

The only people qualified
are profs at the Police Academy,

hi the bomb squad-.

Where's Jean-Pierre?

- Escaped!
- Dead!

I don't believe it!

It is hard to swallow.

What do you feed it on, Miss?

No GMOs I hope, I'm allergic.

Don't leave me alone...

Can you sleep at my place tonight?

No!

I'm on a secret mission.

- Let's go, she'll be in labour.
- Who?

My pussy. With the kittens.

Tip-top snacks!

2 brunches and 2 egg & bacon muffins,

pancakes and syrup,

and a medium Sprite, please.

And 8 Big Macs. Thanks.

Thank you.

Heck of a breakfast, Loo?

The coupons are only valid today.
I'm not stupid.

Calling all units, DOA in sector 6000.

Victim is an ex-Bomb Squad prof...

A Bomb Squad prof?

That's funny, it's just like our case.

We're on our way.

Thanks.

Hang on...

8, we're good.

- Drive. Clive!
- Who's Clive?

Remy, please!

Police, stand aside, please.

He's dead.

To the morgue!

It's stuck!

He'll catch cold.

So, gentlemen...

Who saw something?

I did, on the roof.

Oh yes? What?

Grassing to the fuzz?

We're honest citizens,
we mustn't lie to the police.

I'm French, via Bamako.

What did you see?

Your Ma with a dildo!

Not so fast, is that double "I"?

I wouldn't bother, Remy...

Really.

Hi, dudes!

- Yo, the Comedy Club MoFo.
- Bad-ass!

"Drugs is for Mugs, Crime is Slime".

You rehearse, man, or improv?

I make notes but I do 'ad lib'.

Shag, anyone?

- Him, he tokes bigtime!
- Bite me, bitch!

Can I have some?

So, homeys, who saw what?

Forget it, Michel.

Like 1.20am, dude in a Velsatis limo,
all the options,

aluminium wheels, AC, GPS,
parked right there...

- We was hanging...
- Three of us.

He was tooled up!
Came back real quick!

Short dude, not cool.

Wired!

Shit, the pigs!

Wyatt! Get that Remy?

We've already got a name!

'Wired', it's not a name.

But it could be a clue.

To the Batmobile!

Michel, the car's this way.

Oh, right.

It's not a dictation, Remy.

Just two more.

It's not so tasty, cold.

So...

Let's recap.

We have a letter, sent from
the Louvre PO on Monday.

An ex-Bomb Squad prof, deceased.

The Loo's Ma with a dildo...

Please, Remy!

Kids who saw a black limo
just after the murder...

I need a MacBreak.

Cars with GPS have a digital signature.

We can cross-ref all cars
at the Louvre on Monday.

and the 6000 sector last night.

Do you think we didn't know that?

Sherlock Holmes!

This is tough!

Throw them away.

Are you stupid?

Funny!

That's a good episode.

Thanks, Remy.

Oh no.

What?

According to the GPS...

the satellite system,

the same car was at the Louvre,
and the 6000 sector.

And returned to Police HQ.

Shit.

An inside job. We must tell Letellier.

- Full speed, Steed!
- I'm Remy.

I know, Remy, I know.

Michel, it's no smoking.

Don't worry. Right, ma'am?

Yes, of course.

So enjoy...

So, gentlemen, the case?

Well, in fact...

I'm the story-teller.

Ok, all right.

Mrs Commissioner...

When you gave us this case,

a tough, risky, nasty case,

we had very few clues:
some bomb residue, a letter...

an envelope and a stamp.

Very little to go on.

But, but, but, but...

We had two brains.

I'll take over...

I tell it better...

Where was the 1st bomb?

In a department store window...

where lived Woolfy the dwarf.

The dwarfs are the targets.

Obviously, I should have known.

He's a treasure. Please go on.

Thus, the culprits know

that we'll suspect the giants.

The dwarfs' sworn enemies.

I feel so stupid!

What should we do?

We must investigate
outside the Magic Kingdom.

It's astounding. Good work!

- Moreover...
- Enough!

Oh, no...

Let him continue.

I knew you wouldn't disappoint me.

You're the terrorists' nightmare.

Call me more often.

- Come for dinner.
- Marie-Jo would love that, Aude.

He's tired, burnt out, with the case.

He's exhausted.

Of course, I understand.

And the car, that sent the letter?

'Hurray'...

'Hurray Halleluia!'

It's an official car...

and we have reason to believe

that one of the terrorists
has police contacts.

Perhaps even with a driver here.

What? Right!

It might even be you, Aude!

Don't be daft!

You should go now.

Holy Moses, her breath stinks!

You should eat something, Aude.
Hang on, my stuff!

I'm fine... I'm just dandy!

I've got him!

Is it gastric?

Or a septic tooth?

There's no handle!

A flexible door!

What's up, Michel?

I'm fine. One more pipe.

What are you smoking?

My Amsterdamer tobacco!

Angela! Are we on for tonight?

Yes.

A kiss, on the mouth!

You and a pretty girl: a first!

Forget it, he's been drugged.

Bravo, Kim!

He usually dates uglies!

Your ex, Brigette?
Like a bulldog chewing a wasp!

Shut up!

See you later!

And take your Visa, he's a miser!

Tighter than a duck's arse!

They know a lot, no?

The twats are unbelievable!

The prof's last masterpiece.

The phone's filled with C18.

They pick up, it explodes.

Why did the Jag blow up here
and not at the Ministry?

I don't know.

A Mentos?

Do you all want to ruin my teeth?

It's sugar-free.

Are you sulking?

Yes, you're sulking.

Sulky, sulky, sulking!

Michel, I’m fed up!

Dwarfs, giants and bad breath!

You ruin it with Angela! Enough!

You're jealous!

I can't help it!

A pretty wife, happy kids...
and I'm an artist!

I'm "The terrorists' nightmare".
You're just jealous.

In that case, genius,
it's your case now.

- As usual.
- What?

Golly! Since the orphanage,
I've been protecting you!

Cleaning up your mess!
Talk about gratitude!

What? YOU, cleaning up MY mess?

You know what? We're through!

Forget me. We won't even talk.
We work alone.

Belfort's fine with me!

Quimperlé sounds good too.

Marie-Jo has family in Burgandy.

It's in Brittany. Farewell.

Farewell.

Between us...

Our story starts

With a beat

of our hearts

And the look

we exchanged

Between us

Between us

Only time

will tell

If our first time

Was our last,

So is this 'farewell'

Between us

Kim, check this out!

Special offer on tarama.
5 kilos for 2 euros.

The offer of a lifetime!

100% free-range surimi!

Come back, Kim!

2 for the price of...2!

Of course.

Officially, we're not giving in.

Bravo, Minister, you're very brave.

Fatso's paying.

I'm all moist!

What about Boudriau and Houang?

Together to the grave.

Let's respect their last wishes.

Boudriau here.

The gov't is paying,
you'll make the drop.

7.30am tomorrow, my office.

And tell Houang.

Can you tell him yourself?

Because we're...

not talking.

Ok, I'll call him. See you tomorrow.

They're very odd.

Very stupid and very odd.

- Call yellowman.
- Who?

Houang!

Right, right away.

Thank you.

The mike, please.

I feel like champagne!

Never, with Asian food. Never.

Let me choose.

When I called to reserve,

I was told there were 2 free drinks.

Thanks.

And the prawn crackers!

Do we need 3 courses?

No, not at all!

I'm not a big starter fan, either.

Or dessert, come to that.

Lobster ravioli for me.

Lobster ravioli 277

- Good choice.
- Ready?

I'll have the plain rice.

And for the lady, pork ravioli.

And to drink?

We'll finish the aperitifs.

Then some water, and more crackers.

A mountain of crackers!

That means ‘cheers’.

No, wrong intonation.
You said 'garbage bag!'

Boudriau.

Ange Romero from the TV.

You forgot me?

It's not a good time right now.

I've split up.

- She'll be back.
- It's a 'he'.

That's showbiz.

We're waiting for your next masterpiece.

Brad Pitt's wetting himself.

Sharon Stone, too.

She's red hot.

Sharon Stone? Really?

Tell her to be patient.

I'm on a Secret Mission.

I'm sworn to secrecy...

A huge ransom. Wait, an idea!

Imagine a kidnapped Abbess,
and the baddies want...

10M?

15M.

I gotta go, Michel.

The lobster smells odd.

Really?

Like old meat.

Like lobster. Dead lobster.

No, really, I insist.

Crikey! Are you retiring?

But as I always say:

'You only live once!'

And 20 cents...

makes 9965.

No tip, you cheap bastard?

Yes, you too.

I'll be back soon.

Your friend, real tight pig.

Yes, in Chinese astrology
my sign is the pig!

Right, let's go.

Don't come back, asshole, ever!

Right, see you next week!

A magical evening, no?

It's perhaps not a good idea.

The lobster...

What a feast!

We'd better wait...

Wait for what?

The barrier, please!

Thanks, asshole.

Morning, men.

I'm Lt Boudriau.

I'm 'Mr Terrorism',

head of this mission.

Yes, it's that way.

Everyone follow me!

Send the 2 jerks.

There's only 1.

You can go up.

Gladly, thanks.

Lt Boudriau,

reporting for duty!

Where's the other j... chap?

We had a fight.

The first time in 33 years.

I don't care!

I don't care!

You must be together.

Yes, Ma'am.

Wow! A pretty penny!

15M euros.

Your itinerary. On arriving,

stop and wait for my call.

- Be ready.
- And the baddies?

The 'baddies' will call me
about the delivery.

Very crafty.

I'll call you on this secure line.

A secure line.

Like in Charlie's Angels when Bosley...

Take your car, more discreet.

I have a Logan. A TDI.

Super.

-You will answer my call?
- Yes.

Lieutenant...

Forget anything?

Bye, ma'am!

The money!

- Keep the phone with you.
- Yes, ma'am.

- In the case.
- Yes, ma'am.

Are there coins too?

Lt Boudriau.

France is counting on you.

What's up?

Well... France!

So, you finally made it!

Here.

Our route. I'll explain.

Whatever.

Anyway...

It's showtime!

Look, I'm sorry about yesterday.

The miser stuff and ugly girls.

Nice rug, very snug and welcoming.

- Is that the money?
-Yes.

15M euros.

More would be nice.

But 7 and a half each isn't bad.

Your maths sucks

No, 15 divided by 2.

But you know me.
I don't do 'sharing'.

So let's keep it simple.
15M for me, and for you...

Phut!

Phut?

Yeah, phut!

Ma'am... your breath stinks.

There's the railway-line.

We're here!

Move your fat ass!

Asshole.

What's this?

It's the producer who loves my work.

Why's he here?

I'll say I can't see him now.

Mr Romero, I haven't any scripts with me.

But you'll see, the nun story's a winner.

Give, you'll hurt yourself.

Is that all?

I'll kill you!

You're dead meat!

What's this hanky-panky?

Mind my Logan!

Take that! And that!

Don't move! By the car!

Scumbag.

That's not yours!

You dirty liar!

I bet you're not even a producer!

You're good.

Instinctive, a smart cookie.

So you... I'll spare you, sunshine.

Let's split, guys!

You're not dead?

No, why?

They took my 200, the bastards!

I only withdrew it yesterday!

What's up with you?

Sorry...

I thought you were dead.

I can't live without you, bro'.

Don't cry, or I'll be weeping too.

Golly!

They shot the tyres!

Leave it, we'll do that later!

Your face is a picture!

The sneaky devils!

I suspect my scripts were a lure.

They wanted my money.

But I'm Lt Boudriau!

What is that?

My response.

Mr. Boudriau...

Shakespeare!

Boom-boom?

Game over.

Up his botty!

That's not right?

Press Conference.

Angela, how are you?

Fine. The press are waiting for you.

Lovely necklace.
I want one just like it!

Give me that.

Police.

No need to show your weapon,
I'd have stopped.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I’m here to report on the
latest in the 618 affair.

Ever firm against threats, the gov't

has faced blackmail with force.

The Interior Minister, please.

Shit.

We must tell her in secret.
Round the back.

Lts Houang and Boudriau

bravely confronted the terrorists,

who, armed to the teeth.

over-powered our two heroes.

Heroes, now appointed,

posthumously:

Captain Houang and Captain Boudriau.

Did you hear that?

Why does she think we're dead?

Come on, lads, move It!

Pretty fit, huh?

A memorial on this site

will bear their names.

Together in death,

as in life.

Bag check!

Lift your leg or I tell.

You're dead, Chinky!

Give me your paw, good doggy!

Long live France!

My bag!

You're making a mistake.

Evacuate the room, quick!

It's a trick! He's a terrorist!

Letellier, put the gun down.
It's ridiculous.

I told you so.

It's pointless, ma'am.

The Mentos are in my pocket.
They're very good.

Letellier, stop it!

1 minute fatso or the Viet's dead!

Lower your weapons, boys.

Aude Letellier!

Unhand that man!

What are you doing?

It's my job. I'll save you, Kim.

Letellier...

You're in my sights.

It's too dangerous, Michel.

Release my foster brother.

I'll count to 5.

1, 2 and 3-0...like against Brazil.

No, the other way.

5, 4, 3, 2...

You can't shoot!

Ridiculous!

And the baddies' car!

A bomb. You shot a cow.

And the tests! Top marks every time!

I cheated, I shot your target.

Of course. Right, Kim. I get it.

Tell him to drop his gun.

Too late.

- You can get up now.
- Get a doctor.

It's an old trick of ours.
He's faking, you'll see.

Rise up and walk!

It's not funny, Kim.

Get up!

He's not..?

A few months later...

- So, doctor?
- The worst is over.

But a coma...

Nice car!

Go with Michel, I'm on my scooter.

Here, this is for you.

It's your share.

7 and a half million.

Thanks.

After your 'accident',

with a defective pistol,
it should be said,

it was a bit chaotic.

Monin was on the carpet.

Millions, gone!

I had the bag.

It's those 2 cretins' fault!

Excuse me.

This twat can sod off
back to his shitty job!

I was stunned.

We succeed, like real pros,
and that's our thanks!

So I left.

With the money.

But I confessed.

We're here.

Our star! How are you?

Fine.

You're looking better.

The gifts are here?

You've been super generous, Mikey.

The tree, father...

I know, I know.

It's last year's. We're so broke.

It rains In the dorms
and the heating's bust.

Leaky showers...

It may be our last Christmas here.

I've counted.

30 children, 30 gifts.

It's important, the right number.

In the name of the Father,
Merry Christmas, kids!

Don't forget to thank Michel.

And Kim.

Take your time.

A good idea, the skates.

Who's that lady?

Kim's fiancée.

Kim's changed. I'm pleased.

I'll introduce you.

Father Mignard, Angela.

Delighted, my child.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, a bag. Very nice.

Lovely.

Open it.

I hope it's enough.

For what?

To save St François.

Well, yes...

That might do.

Thank you, Kim.

Can I have an autograph?

What's your name?

Salomon.

- Thanks.
- Thank you.

Why are they asking for autographs?

Children! It's time!

The ransom paid for a pilot.

It's a big hit, every week.

That's great!

Bravo!

So we're not working together?

But we are! I'm part time!

Lt Boudriau - Cop and Christian

Wait, you varmint!

The Lord is my shepherd!

Heavens above! No bloodshed!

There are women and babes!

I am a sinner. Drugs are for mugs.

Come, you rogues!

Off to jail with you!

Hold-up at the Merry Mussel Inn.

We're on it!

A seafood heist!

Let's roll!

Thanks Lord.

By all the Saints,

good job!

Adapted by Fraser Macnaught

Subtitling: L.V.T. - Paris