Promises..... Promises! (1963) - full transcript

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(whimsical music)

(lively orchestral music)

(intense orchestral music)

(lively orchestral music)

(ship horn blowing)

(people cheering)

(bright orchestral music)

♪ Lu-lu-lu-lu, lu-lu-lu-lu, lu-lu-lu-lu ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

♪ La-la-la-la, la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ From above ♪



♪ I hear blue birds sing new words ♪

♪ So clear and strong ♪

♪ Enraptured, I'm captured by love's sweet song ♪

♪ Lu-lu-lu-lu, lu-lu-lu-lu, lu-lu-lu-lu ♪

♪ I'm in love ♪

Now then, just dissolve this in an alcoholic drink

and take it down.

You mean to say that this pill

is going to help me become a father?

I have every reason to believe it will.

Wow, what's in it?

Well, let us just say it will accomplish the purpose.

Immediately afterwards however,

a temporary state of amnesia may occur.



Oh, amnesia?

Oh, there's nothing to worry about.

Oh, thank you, doctor.

You're very welcome. Bye.

Patient Jeffery Brooks, professional writer.

Traveling on world cruise with his wife Sandra.

Couple married four years, no children.

Patient has symptoms of extreme tension and anxiety

caused by a current infertility.

Normal in all other respects.

Prescribed five grains of salicylic acid,

telling patient it would produce great excitement

accompanied by complete freedom

from anxiety and inhibitions.

A simple experiment in the power of suggestion.

Patient is of course unaware

that the dosage is an aspirin tablet.

It will be interesting to see what happens.

Sandy.

I'll be out in just a minute, Jeff.

(sultry music)

Hi, honey.

Uh, Sandy.

Do you want something, honey?

No, it's all right.

(sultry music)

Here I am, honey.

Hi, sweetheart, I was just having a drink. Join me?

Oh, no thanks, it's not five yet.

(sultry music)

What are you doing, honey?

I, uh, just thought it might be a little cozier like this.

(Jeff humming)

You know, you know Jeff, you look so strange.

I do?

I don't feel strange.

I don't feel anything.

(sultry music)

Sandy, you look gorgeous.

Oh, honey, thank you.

What are you doing?

Jeff.

You're trying too hard, darling. This isn't necessary.

Honey?

(horn blaring)

(gentle orchestral music)

(sultry music)

Ah! Am I gonna die?

Not just yet.

It's only a hangover.

Oh, Doc, if I could only unscrew

this head for a few minutes.

You know sick as I am, I'm starving.

Ah, that's all part of it. Here, drink this.

What's in it?

86-proof, 12-year-old scotch,

more commonly called hair of the dog.

Down the hatch.

(gasping) Oh, Doc, I feel awful.

You'll feel better in a minute.

Oh, what was in that pill?

A few drinks and bam, it's the next day.

Ah, I mentioned amnesia as one of the side effects.

You mean I'll never remember what happened?

The amnesia is permanent unless an alcoholic drink

is taken within 24 hours.

But I just had a drink and I still don't remember a...

Wow.

Ah, it's beginning to come back, I see.

Doctor, do you know what I did after I took that pill?

Well, I could make a few shrewd guesses.

I was standing right in the middle of the room,

right about there, and I turned.

(lively orchestral music)

(water lapping)

(bright orchestral music)

(gentle lullaby music)

Good morning, Mrs. Brooks.

Would you care for some hot broth?

Hmm? Oh, oh no, nothing thank you, thank you, Steward.

My husband's in there right now.

We might be going to have a baby.

We're not?

It was apparently a touch of sea sickness.

Of course it might be too early to tell.

I'll make another test next week.

Oh.

I know it's a shame, what a big disappointment.

Oh, it's not me I'm concerned about,

it's Sandy, it's an obsession with her.

She keeps knitting baby clothes,

telling everybody she meets she's gonna have a baby.

This is gonna be a big blow to the whole ship.

Oh, I know, I know.

Never seen a woman so determined to have a baby.

I was counting on that pill you gave me.

You said it was gonna work.

Ah, it's most discouraging, I know, I know.

Too bad we've got to tell her the truth.

What do you mean too bad?

She's got to know the truth.

You think I'd lie to my wife

about something as important as this?

No, no she's got to know the truth.

Oh, Jeff I'm so sorry, I couldn't stand it,

I just couldn't wait another moment.

I am, I know I am. Say I am.

You am, are.

Oh, oh, oh, I knew it! Oh, darling, I knew it!

Oh, I'm so happy, I knew it, I knew that this time

it just had to be, it had to be true.

Oh, Jeff I'm so, I'm so happy for us, darling.

Oh, my goodness, this dress, I've got to get out of it

right away, it's much too tight.

Let's see, I brought some maternity clothes with me,

so I'll go to my cabin

and get some on right away.
Maternity clothes?

Got so many things to do I don't know where to begin.

I haven't even told Claire yet.

My hair, what am I going to do about my hair?

I know, I know, I'm gonna let it come in natural,

it's much more motherly that way.

Oh, darling, oh!

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you.

Bye, darling.

Oh!

Well, thanks a lot, Doc, thanks a lot.

What did I do?

What did you do?

You put the whole idea in my head.

I didn't do anything.

You said I am, you are, and you mixed up the whole thing.

When Sandy finds out the truth, we're finished, finished!

Why, don't be ridiculous.

It might not be possible for her to have a baby.

Are you kidding?

Sandy's been checked and double checked.

She can have 100 kids, two at a time one doctor said.

Aha!

What do you mean, aha?

Well, let me do a little check and double checking on you.

Oh, well, that won't be necessary, Doctor.

Really?

You see, Doc, there's,

well, there's something about me you oughta know.

Yes?

I, uh-
Yes?

Well, uh-
Yes?

Back when I was in military school-

Yes?

I, uh-
Yes?

Had the mumps.
No.

How now brown cow.

How now brown cow.

Grazing in the tall, thick thistle.

Grazing in the tall, thick thistles.

I got it, I got it!

Well, good. Remember it.

You never can tell when that's going to

pop up in a conversation.

An actor has gotta keep in shape.

Beside, it makes me feel well.

You think I want to be the only one

on this entire ship to be seasick?

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that.

Our little friend next door does pretty well at that rail.

Gee, I'd hate to be a fish in this ocean.

Sandy is different. She's expecting.

She's not expecting, she's convinced.

What's wrong with that?

Now look, don't you go gettin' caught up

in that little mother act of hers.

She's no more with child, as she so delicately puts it,

than, than you are.

You're kidding.

Oh, look, here's an ad on our cruise.

Picture yourself on a world cruise

aboard a graceful ocean liner.

You're cruising along at 25 knots over a gently rolling sea.

Yep, it's rolling.

Dining in Japan on succulent octopus.

In Peru, enjoying delicious stuffed oysters.

How do you stuff an oyster?

Then on to glamorous Siam, savoring the exotic iguana.

That's a lizard, isn't it?

I think I'll just lie down.

Oh, King, you're not going to

go through that whole bit again, are you?

I might.

Oh, your fans should see you now.

Go get them and let them look.

(lively orchestral music)

I can see it all now.

Sandy'll find out I lied to her,

she'll realize we can never have a baby,

she'll leave the ship at the next port,

we'll get a divorce, we're finished.

I don't think it's as bad as all that.

Give yourself a chance.

Claire, King, you'll never guess what.

What?

I am.

Are you sure?

Positive, I just got back from the doctor.

Oh, I'm thrilled.

Is the doctor still there?

Oh, poor King.

Who else did you tell?

Well, you know, I came from the radio shack

where I sent cables to everybody.

And you and the radio operator are the first to know.

Well, we're flattered.

Oh, now where are you off to?

I'm going to the beauty parlor. Wanna come along?

All right.

You know what I feel like?

A double dip, hot fudge, marshmallow sundae.

(women laughing)

Oh!

It's no good, I, I can face up to facts,

I'm not good to anybody.

I can never be a father ,I'm no good to my wife,

I might as well be dead.

Nonsense, pure nonsense!

Mr. Brooks, you are a young man,

you have a whole lifetime ahead of you.

I am told you're a very fine writer.

I was, but I'll never write another line

as long as I live.

You wanna laugh?
What?

You know what they called me?

No, what?

Hollywood's most prolific writer.

Huh!

I beg your pardon.

(gentle orchestral music)

Perfect, dear. I'm going to be conservative.

You're a genius.

Oh, thank you so much, my dear.

I mean it, the soft undulating wave,

the contour caressing the skull.

It's fabulously perfect, that's all.

Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

Like it, I adore it. Oh.

Oh, Sheri, please, don't touch, it's still wet.

I'm sorry, love.

(laughing) You're a genius.

Come on, Tulio, dear. We mustn't be late for lunch.

Come, dear.

Oh, Claire, Sandy, hi.
Babbette.

You're just in time, you're both a mess.

I'm celebrating.

Oh, really?

She's going to have a baby.

Oh, marvelous, if it's a girl,

the first permanent is on the house.

You're a doll.

Say, is something burning?

Oh, hold the phone, girls.

(can spraying)

There you are, my dear.

My latest creation, burnt almond.

Oh, I love it.

Thank you.

He is heavenly.

And look at it this way, Mr. Brooks.

Sterility is a complex problem.

We don't know a great deal about it, but we do know

that tension can be a contributing factor.

But you already gave me a pill for that.

It was all right as far as it went,

it just didn't go far enough.

Relax, relax.

Sure, relax, that's easy for you to say.

I'm thinking about your wife.

You mean give my wife a pill?

But of course.

Only this time, I'm going to give her

something a little bit more potent.

More potent?

The reaction will be more pronounced than before,

particularly with both of you taking a pill.

I assume of course that you're willing to try it.

Oh, of course, I'm willing to try it.

I mean, more potent, huh?

(pills rattling)

More. (chuckles)

Shall we cut and bleach it?

Mm, no, no, just a wash and set.

I'm gonna let it come in natural.

You'll put on 10 years.

Well, that'll go with the extra 20 pounds

I'm going to put on.

Now that she's going to become a mother,

she wants to look the part.

You mean it's really true this time?

I just came from the doctor.

Well, isn't that a kick in the head.

Ah, no, it's no good, Doc. It won't work.

Why not?

She's not gonna take a pill from me for that.

Use your head, Doc, she thinks the job's done.

Why would she take a pill from me?

(clicking tongue) For a writer,

you use very little imagination.

You don't tell her about the pill.

Don't tell her about the pill?

Of course not.

Arrange for a private dinner party,

just the two of you, be romantic.

You know, candlelight, flower on the table.

Wine for a toast, she can't object to a little wine.

You mean put the pills in the wine?

Bing, bing, one pill in each glass.

A sentimental toast and (popping) oh!

(laughing)

Imagine that, a baby after all this time.

Isn't nature full of screams?

Well, if at first you don't succeed.

Yeah, well I'll tell you one thing,

I'm not gonna have any children.

I should hope not. You're not even married.

Doctor, if these pills work,

my hat's off to medical science.

They will work, I'm sure of it, just follow my directions.

I will. Oh, Doctor, they won't hurt her, will they?

On the contrary.
Oh.

Don't you worry about a thing.

I won't, I won't.

Patient is unusually open to suggestions.

Prescribed two aspirin tablets,

telling him they're even more potent than the first.

(chuckling)

(jazzy piano music)

I get such a charge out of her.

She's so excited about the baby.

Isn't she though?

Psst, listen, would you like to go in with me

and we'll give her a shower?

I'll wash her hair, Claire, and that's as far as I go.

The reaction will be more pronounced than before,

particularly with both of you taking a pill.

Oh, Doctor, they won't

hurt her, will they?

On the contrary.

It's almost time for dinner, honey, you ready?

Sweetheart, I have a wonderful idea.

Why don't we not have dinner tonight, hmm?

What's so wonderful about that?

Oh, I mean not go out for dinner.

I was thinking, why don't we have dinner here,

alone in the cabin, just the two of us, hmm?

Oh, you mean because of the baby.

(laughing) Yeah, because of the baby.

I figure we'd have a little candlelight,

a little wine, and us.

That sounds marvelous.

Ooh, then we can do it.

I'd love to do it, let me see.

We can't, we promised King and Claire

that we'd have dinner with them.

Again?

Again?

Honey, you know they expect

to have dinner with us every night.

I'm getting pretty sick of what they expect.

Up to and including their little stranger.

I'm getting sick and tired of sitting opposite

of that stupid actor every night

and watching him sprinkle wheat germ on everything.

Where's my wheat germ?

I don't know, you probably used it all up.

After all, you only brought 15 quarts.

A guy can get pretty aah watching ah-ah-ah

sprinkle wheat germ on his raw meat.

I know, honey, but he means well.

I found it.

Oh, goodie. Here, oh, hook me.

I've got it, I'll tell 'em you're sick,

that way we can have dinner here alone.

(Sandy laughing)

Why don't I tell 'em that you're sick again,

that way we could have dinner alone.

Well, if you think they'd believe it.

They'd never believe it.

It's happened before.

Well, it's happened before.

Nonsense, I am as healthy as an ox.

Well-
Good, sweetheart.

It's settled, I'll order some wine right now,

just for us, the two of us, down here alone.

Jeff, I don't know.

You don't know, what do you mean, you don't know?

What's the, what's the matter with you?

I, I, I think I, I've got a, a touch of morning sickness.

Morning sickness, at eight o'clock at night?

Aren't you running a little fast?

Oh, here's your yogurt, strawberry.

Shall we take it along?

Claire, please don't.

When you're expecting, there're just certain things

that you have to expect.

But you always have yogurt

whenever there's pig knuckles and sauerkraut on the menu.

Oh, sweetheart, I hate to see you suffer like this.

No, I don't mind at all, I really love every moment of it.

Oh, really? What about our private dinner?

Oh, I better not. I better take a rain check.

You don't mind, do you, Jeff?

I don't mind, baby, I'm just thinking about us.

Want me to stay in with you?

Oh, no, no, I'd really rather be alone.

But you go out and eat, honey.

Baby, I couldn't eat without you.

I mean, it just wouldn't be right for me to walk,

of course they do have pig's knuckles and sauerkraut.

I could have that with a little beer.

(door slamming)

Oh, what's the matter with me?

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

A little beer, a little pig's knuckles.

Hi.

Hi, I was just going for a bite.

So was I.

Yours down again?

And out.

Mine too.

Well, you know, we've had so many meals together,

the whole ship's beginning to talk about us.

Yeah.

You're taking this news pretty bad, aren't you?

What news?

About the baby I mean.
Oh.

You still seem to be in a state of shock.

You just don't recognize happiness when you see it.

I just don't understand.

I don't understand this wild urge to leave your blood

in the veins of some poor, unsuspecting offspring.

(Jeff chuckling)

What is the population of the world anyway, three billion?

Give or take a couple.

Well, I know we were told to be fruitful and multiply,

but how fruity can you get?

You don't understand. You just hate kids.

I do not.

If King and I ever get to the point of where we feel

we're not enough for one another,

well, I'll adopt an orphan.

That way we'll be making the world a little better place

for some kid that's already stuck with it.

Aren't you overlooking a little basic biological urge?

Oh, now we're gonna get the one

about the natural urge for reproduction.

Believe me, there is such a thing.

Well, the dear days before I was married

and in show business, I remember all the guys

were just loaded with that biological urge.

I can remember the sales pitches now.

It was like, look, baby,

I've spent a lot of money on you tonight.

Or, don't say no,

you're the first girl I've ever asked.

Ah, but you can't send me home like this.

(Claire and Jeff laughing)

Ah, and I'll respect you, that'll be our bond.

Don't fight it, this thing is bigger than both of us.

(laughing) Two martinis. That one never worked with me.

You know, not once did I ever hear a guy say to me,

please, I wanna be a daddy.

Urge for reproduction, my eye.

There's a lot more urge around than there is reproduction.

Yeah.
Yeah.

You know, with the fatherhood potential I have,

I should've married you.

What's wrong with your fatherhood potential,

you just made it.

Well, yeah, but what a struggle.

Two years ago, I told Sandy I thought we should adopt a kid.

And she wouldn't do it?

No, every time I discussed it,

she'd tell me about the postman's sister-in-law's daughter.

What about the postman's sister-in-law's daughter?

Well, the doctor told her she had a tumor

and could never have children.

The tumor turned out to be a bouncing baby boy.

You know, they thought I was a tumor,

but I fooled 'em, didn't I, didn't I?

(laughing) If you think so, Skoal.

Skoal.

Skoal.

Skoal.
(Jeff laughing)

Look at that moon, they've gotta be kidding.

Yeah, I wonder if they've got one like that

for tourist class.

Just a half moon.

Oh, look at them, aren't they cute?

Do you feel that way about me, dear?

Sure I do, would I be here otherwise?

Oh, dear, Tulio. (giggles) (sighs)

(big band music)

Oh, excuse me.

Uh!

Oh, oh.

(gentle orchestral music)

You know, I surely hope that King and Claire

won't be hurt about this.

Aw, sweetheart, let them be hurt, this is our night.

You know, you're really very thoughtful.

I'm just thinking about us.

Mm, and cute, too.

Oh, honey, I smeared your lipstick, right on your chin.

You did?
Mm-hmm.

(mellow orchestral music)

Well, voila.

Oh, uh, Captain, I've ordered a table of two for tonight,

I trust I'm not too early.

It would never be too early for madame.

(speaking foreign language) my love.

(speaking foreign language)

There, you are welcome, I am sure.

(Jeff singing in foreign language)

A toast to the most ravishing creature in this cabin.

You are ravishing, aren't you?

Uh, half ravishing, half Lithuanian.

(both laughing)

Thank you for remembering the old jokes, my love.

To my wife.

Oh, a toast to that, I'll drink to that.

Wait, wait, wait, but just, wait, wait, wait.

What's the matter?

You know the way King and Claire always barge in here.

Oh, by this time they've gone up to dinner.

Why be half safe?

(Sandy laughing)

Happy New Year.

Is this a private ball or can anybody come?

Hi.
We're celebrating,

King hasn't been sick for 12 whole hours.

Neither have I.

Let's have a drink to that, hmm?

Sure, why not?

(Jeff yelling)

Oh, is there any more glasses in here?

That was my drink.

And let me tell you, it was delicious.

You had no right to drink my drink.

Come up to the bar, I'll buy you a whole bottle.

Come on, Sandy, we'll all go up to the bar.

I don't want to, and take your hands off my wife.

Say, you're a couple

of rounds ahead of us.
Did she drink,

would you let my wife-

Come on, I wanna dance.

Claire, please, I don't wanna.

Would you bring my wife back?

Sweetheart, would you let go? Honey!

Oh! Sandy, King!

I saw it happen. He's not bleeding, is he?

No, but he's sure knocked out.

Well, that's good, I can't stand the sight of blood.

Come on Claire, let's get him to sickbay.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Oh, he weighs a ton.

(light jazz music)

Well, I wonder what happened to Jeff and Claire.

Probably dancing. Have a drink.

Oh, we'd better wait for them.

Listen to the way my diction has improved.

How now brown cow, grazing in a thick thistle.

It's cute.

Very cute.

It took me a long time to get it just right.

Well, you artists are never satisfied.

Did you know, they thought I was a tumor?

Oh, on second thought, I think I'll have that drink.

Two scotch, make it double.

(both laughing)

Let's have a drink!

Ah, okay.

It's for you, and one for me.

(lid clattering)

(bright orchestral music)

Oh, no, I'm blind.

Oh, oh.

Morning. Oh, no.

Claire.

Claire.

Good morning, sweetheart.

What're you doing here?

What am I doing here?

Oh, it's you. Oh.

We're in sickbay. How'd we get here?

Don't you remember?

I don't remember a thing. Ooh.

Frankly, I was feeling a little high myself last night,

but I'll do my best to fill you in.

I remember you had a pretty nasty fall.

I was worried about a concussion,

that's why I brought you up here.

You mean that, you mean we spent the night here together?

Apparently. And you were babbling something.

I couldn't quite make it out.

Something about pills or-

Ooh.

Yeah, that's what scared me.

That's why I went over there and looked

in that medicine cabinet and I found something

that looked like aspirin.

I gave you one and I took one, too.

You gave me one of these pills, and took one yourself?

Yes, and boy, I must've been loaded last night

because I don't remember a thing after that,

until I woke up a few minutes ago.

Oh, thank goodness.

Now, Claire, now you've gotta promise me,

you mustn't take a drink for 24 hours.

Exactly what I was just telling myself.

Remember now, no drink for 24 hours.

Oh, oh.

Where you going?
To see my wife.

What about the doctor?

He's done enough already.

Oh, good morning, Mr. Brooks.

Oh, excuse me, good morning.

Did you by any chance see my wife this morning?

Yes sir, she's in your cabin,

having breakfast with Mr. Banner.

Oh.

I'm glad she's got her sea legs again,

she ordered Coffee Royale.

Oh, Coffee Roy...

That's brandy!

(glass clanking)

Excuse me.

(woman shrieks)

I'm sorry, excuse me.

I never slept so well in my life.

I didn't even hear Claire get up.

Jeff didn't wake me up this morning either.

I think he's getting more considerate

now that he's gonna become a daddy.

Sandy!

Oh, oh thanks for that.

Are you insane, it's boiling hot.

Honey, I am insane, you know I'm insane

about my coffee and brandy.

Well, then you're scalding yourself for nothing.

That's just plain black coffee, here's the brandy.

Oh, yes, thank you, thank you, sweetheart.

I, I love, I love brandy in my coffee.

Oh, what happened to your poor head?

I fell out of a plane.

Well, your mommy'll fix it for you.

Have some coffee with us, old boy.

No thanks, I just had some.

What are you eating?

Finest tonic in the whole world, oatmeal,

black syrup molasses, wheat germ.

I'm sorry I asked.

But you are hungry, huh?

Famished.

Me too, I've never been so hungry in all my life.

Yeah, that's all part of it.

Well-
Ow!

Well, I get dressed for a tournament.

Me too, I'll be ready.

Poor baby, how did you hurt your little head?

I tripped chasing you and King last night.

That's funny, I don't remember when it happened.

Do you remember anything about last night?

Anything at all?

Nothing really after I left the cabin except,

except you know that, that, that awful sea sickness feeling

came around again, my goodness, it must've hit me

pretty hard, I don't even remember how I got to bed.

You don't, huh?

But I had a marvelous sleep.

Thank you for not awakening me this morning.

Oh, it's all right.

You know, when I woke up,

I felt like I owned the whole world.

I never remember feeling so good before.

Never?
Never.

Say, how about a game of deck tennis?

Deck tennis?

Yes. King entered us in a tournament.

Huh, I wish he'd stop being our social director.

(Sandy giggling)

What are you smiling at?

Oh, nothing, darling. I'm just so very happy.

At last we've got what we always wanted,

what our marriage always needed.

Yeah.

You know, I think it's gonna make

a world of difference in our lives.

It could.

I uh, I suppose King got seasick too, huh?

Yeah, so he said, isn't that funny?

Yeah, it's a riot.

You know, we finally figured it out,

it was all that wine we drank, we drank it so fast.

Yeah, no doubt about it, it was the wine.

Well, it's all over now, thank goodness.

Thank goodness, yeah.

It's amazing how it changes you though.

I can promise you, I've put on a whole inch around the top.

That's impossible.

You like my new scent?

Yeah, what is it?

My Sin.

(Jeff chuckles)

(sighing) Figures.

You know what today is, honey?

Hmm?
You know what day this is?

Thursday?

No, it's King's birthday.

The captain's giving him a party.

That's nice.

You know, I just thought

of a wonderful present to give him.

It's something of yours.

Something of mine? What?

You know that pair of binoculars

you picked up in Tokyo?

Oh, those, yeah.

Well, you wanna give him something yourself?

I've given him too much already.

(Sandy giggles)

Oh, darling, I'm so happy right now.

I think this is the most wonderful thing

that's ever happened to us.

I tell you, if another catastrophe had come along,

I don't what really would've happened to our marriage.

Sometimes I, I think of all kinds of terrible things.

Sweetheart, we'd have made out somehow, wouldn't we?

Well, anyway, it's silly to talk about it

'cause we've been so lucky.

Wonder what King'll say when he finds out

we're gonna give him a party.

Oh, he'll say something.

(laughing) I know, you be in charge

of the entertainment committee because you're so cute

at thinking of wonderful things to do.

Yeah, I always think of wonderful things to do.

All ready.

Ready and waiting. Bye, honey.

Bye.

Oh, wonderful things.

(somber orchestral music)

Oh, Captain, I'm so sorry I'm late.

How nice to see you, dear.

Contemporary sociological phenomenon.

Yes, um, ladies and gentlemen, I think you all know

that this little gala is being given in honor

of one of our most famous passengers, Mr. King Banner,

who I'm sure he won't mind if we all call him King.

Now we all know of his ability as an actor,

but few of us know that he is one

of the really great weightlifters.

And I think with a little more encouragement

from all of you, including myself,

we would be able to get him up here to lift a few for us.

(crowd applauding)

Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

He's lifting a few himself.

Oh.

Would you hold it please?

I'd like to get just one quick picture.

Oh, thank you, you'll love it.

You're not ashamed of me, are you?

How could you possibly think that?

Ah, you dear boy.

(drum roll)

(crowd applauding)

(drum roll)

(crowd applauding)

Hold it. Thank you.

(drum roll)

Look at him up there, fathead.

Fine father my baby's gonna have.

(whimsical music)

(crowd applauding)

Kid'll probably be born with a hernia.

(light orchestral music)

And he doesn't even know how lucky he is.

Suppose he ever found out.

And he will find out when he sees the baby.

Only thing to do is tell him,

come right out and face him like a man and tell him.

He'd understand. We've been friends a long time.

King, we've been friends a long time.

There's something very important I have to discuss with you.

Sure, pal. What?

Uh, you've been around a lot, I mean,

you know what the score is.

Sure, I guess so.

Wow, what a build.

I take very good care of myself, you know.

Yeah.

Wow!

What's eating you?

King, I have a problem.

I mean, it happened when I was in military school.

For four years, Sandy and I, we want, I want desperate,

but we can't, I mean I try but I just can't, I can't.

You mean? Poor Sandy.

How dare you, you married her.

I have a problem and I might as well admit it.

I am just beginning to realize that.

It's not the sort of thing you talk about.

Well, you're sure right.

Like I say, it started when I was in military school.

No excuse.

Look, pal, have you ever thought

of going to a doctor about this?

I did, that's where the whole trouble started.

He gave me these pills, see, I put the pills in the wine,

that's where you came in.

Poor Sandy.

You like Sandy, don't you?

Sandy is a wonderful girl.

Then you can realize how this whole thing started.

Keep away from me or so help me I'll belt you.

You'll belt me, that's a switch.

You wind up with my wife and you hit me?

Me and Sandy? Why you dirty.

(crowd applauding)

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

♪ Which nobody can deny ♪

(crowd applauding)

Send me a big one. I want it for a calendar.

(group laughing)

Oh, look at that, isn't that-

Oh, don't bother to count them darling,

I'll keep your secret.

I didn't know you were gonna do this, too.

Jeff and I have something for you.

I can't wait.

Happy birthday, to you from us.

Oh, it's marvelous.

You shouldn't have really given me anything.

He's absolutely right.

Oh, Jeff, behave yourself.

He's a perfect physical specimen, isn't he, Claire?

A wife can't testify against her husband.

Next you'll wanna examine my teeth.

Hey that's a good idea, may I?

Oh, Jeff, why are you so interested

in dentistry all of the sudden?

It isn't all of a sudden.

I had an uncle who was a crendly friendly dentist,

he was a friendly credit...

Anyway, I inherited my interest from him.

You believe in heredity, don't you, King?

Of course, very possible.

Good, so do I. Take off your shoe.

Go ahead, I just did.

I'm quite comfortable, thanks.

Come on, take 'em off,

we can learn a lot from the Orientals.

I take mine off every day, solid comfort.

Cut it out, I don't wanna take off my shoes.

He's got a hole in his sock.

I think he's got a hole in his head.

He has no sock.
He's got a hole in his sock

and doesn't want anybody to know about it.

For Pete's sake, all right.

He's really smashed.

Liquor like fire, a good servant but a bad master.

King puts things so well.

Oh, yes, he's always thinking.

He's got perfect arches, perfect, that's great.

What's so great about normal feet?

Jeff, Jeff, I think I have something in my eye,

could you aid me?

She wants me to aid her,

that means I'm gonna get something in my eye.

Honey cut it out, you know how sensitive

King is about his looks.

Now you can sit there and talk to him about anything,

anything but his appearance.

She's absolutely right.

King, any insanity in your family?

Jeff!

That's all right, Sandy, he's just joking.

That's right, Sandy, I'm just joking.

Is there?

No, but I've got a friend I'm not too sure of.

I better help you back on with your shoe.

(Jeff groans)

I'm sorry, old boy, I didn't mean to do that.

That's all right. He has perfect reflexes, perfect.

(Jeff laughing)

If you two boys are through playing footsies,

I'd like to dance.

Good idea. I'll dance with you, Claire.

King, would you dance with Sandy?

Come on, Claire, up and at 'em.

I gotta get my shoes.

Never mind your shoes.

I guess you're stuck with me.

Or be bound to sit.

On my birthday?

(gentle orchestral music)

I never saw him act this way before.

Oh, he's just exhilarated. (laughs)

What do you suppose got into him?

I'd say about a quart.

(gentle orchestral music)

Oh, oh, oh.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.

Oh, it's all right.

Plenty more toes where that came from.

I'm a clumsy clod and I can't do anything right.

Oh, I don't know about that.

You drink a pretty mean drink.

Thanks, I don't mind if I do.

Excuse me, please.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please?

Ladies and gentlemen, with a little encouragement

from all of us, I think we can persuade Sandy,

who is the wife of King's best friend,

to sing a little song for us.

Now, let's have a hand for Sandy, right?

(crowd applauding)

"Promise Her Anything."

(bright piano music)

♪ Promise her anything ♪

♪ If you're in love ♪

♪ Promise her anything ♪

♪ If you care ♪

♪ True love comes but once so they say ♪

♪ When you find it, don't let it slip away ♪

♪ Oh, promise her everything ♪

♪ Everything grand ♪

♪ And if she's right for you ♪

♪ She'll understand ♪

♪ So go to her, a woman instinctively knows ♪

♪ Yes, promise her anything ♪

♪ In love, anything goes ♪

(crowd applauding)

("Promise Her Anything")

Look at her, she's beautiful.

Right.

("Promise Her Anything")

I'm not good enough for her, that's all.

Right.

("Promise Her Anything")

♪ Oh, promise her anything ♪

♪ In love, anything goes ♪

(crowd applauding)

Mr. Brooks, Mr. Brooks.

I'll, I'll have a double.
Mr. Brooks.

I'll have, I didn't mean anything by it.

Now, that's all right.
Oh, oh.

Come on.
I'm sorry, I was just-

There you go.

Um, it's really not necessary, I'm-

Are you sure you're all right?

I'm fine.
Goodnight.

(Jeff thudding on floor)

Sandy doesn't know.

She doesn't know what I did.

But she's gotta know, a marriage has to be based on trust.

I've gotta tell her, I've gotta come right out

like a man and tell her what I did.

(dreamy music)

Do you want something?

See you later.

Sandy, you're gorgeous.

Oh, Jeff, you're trying too hard, darling.

Sweetheart, I love you more than life itself.

Do you really?

Oh, darling, you wanted a baby,

I wanted you to have a baby.

I never intended it to work out like this.

But King's a healthy guy.

I look at it like this, we're modern, sophisticated adults,

whatever happened has happened,

and there's nothing we can do about it.

(light orchestral music)

(people clamoring)

Look, look.

Oh, what divine zombie glasses.

Those are baby bottles.

Come on now, open mine next, dear heart.

Come on baby, let me get through there,

come on girls, clear out.

There we go.

Oh, Babbette, you really shouldn't have.

Oh, I got carried away, you know.

(women gasping)

Oh, fun wigs, look!

What if it's a boy?

I have a blue one, sweetie.

(all laughing)

Now, if you decide to let it come in natural,

you can always wear one of these.

I am gonna let it come in natural.

(all laughing)

Would you like me to model it?

Oh, I would love it.
Yes.

Look girls, Babbette's gonna change his coiffure.

(women laughing)

Oh, here, darling.

(women laughing)

Now remember your condition, honey.

If it bites me, I'm gonna kill it.

Okay.
(women laughing)

She kills me, too.

Now I'd like to show you girls

how a wig can completely transform your personality.

There we go.

Now, Miss Snavely,

may I borrow that?
Yes, you certainly may.

I want it back though.
Oh, thank you.

(Babbette laughs)
(women laughing)

Oh, darlings, it's absolutely divine of you

to invite me on your little soiree.

I'm adrift you know, I just closed my latest play

in New York, I thought it would be a tour de force,

however, I was forced to tour.

(women laughing)

Oh, what a bore.

(women clapping)

What, now, we have glasses, identification,

a darling, darling red one this time.

It's pretty.
Ooh, I like that.

I should like to read a nursery rhyme for you.

(women clapping)

Oh, Betty.

Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet,

eating her curds and whey.

There came a big spider and sat down beside her,

and said, I haven't had decent curds and whey

since they closed Romanoff's.

(women laughing)

Was that one fun?

Now, for this next one I need a little production.

May I have that over there?

You may.
Thank you, dear.

Now, will you darlings make a little curtain for me?

A little curtain.
Sure.

Kind of a puppet theater

aren't you?
Yes.

(women laughing)

Up we go.

All right, ready, curtain.

Hello, everybody.

(woman clamoring)

Jayne Mansfield.

Has everyone seen my beautiful new present?

It's diamond-studded.

It's a diaper for the baby that has everything.

Now, let's see if I know how to fold it.

Oh, there.

Isn't that just too perfect?

(women laughing)

I can do her, too.

Isn't that just, (gasps) too perfect, it's-

[Sandy And Babbette] Diamond-studded.

(women clapping)

Oh, Sandy, never stop.

Oh, I've been looking all over for you.

Five scotch and sodas, please.

Hiya Doc, have a drink?

Oh, dear me, it's a little early in the day

for that, isn't it?

I hate a clock watcher.

Mr. Brooks, you are a lucky man.

How do you figure that out, Doc?

I examined your wife this morning.

There's absolutely no doubt about it this time,

you're going to be a father.

More or less.

Of course I didn't let her see that I was surprised.

I let her go on thinking

that it was true two weeks ago when you told her.

Obviously, my pills worked.

Obviously.

Quack.
I beg pardon?

I didn't say anything. Have a drink.

Oh, no, no thanks.

I knew you could do it, I knew it!

Thanks, Doc. Quack.

Oh, well, merci.

Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.

Don't worry dear heart,

I'll reset the wigs for you.

Oh, just then he was marvelous.

I'll see you later, honey.
Thank you.

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you, dear heart.
Thank you so much, oh.

Hope you like the teddy bear I gave you.

Oh, darling, wasn't that fun?

Wasn't it fun?
Wonderful.

Did you ever see so many beautiful presents?

Wonderful.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Now don't forget,

we've got hair appointments this afternoon.

I won't forget, and this is yours.

Oh, yeah, bye.

Bye.

How was the shower?

Wonderful.

It stank.

I've never seen so many lovely presents.

She's up to her ears in junk.

And you should've seen the girls.

And those broads, every time she opened a gift,

it was oohs and aahs and how cute and how divine.

How nauseating.

You're getting fat.

I know it.

You're jealous.

I am not, and you shut up.

You don't love me anymore.

It's been a month since I've seen you sober enough

to think about it.

Ooh, King never gets drunk, does he?

No, he doesn't.

You sound just like your mother.

That's a nasty remark.

(Jeff laughs)

And you meant it to be nasty.

You know something, my own true love,

you sound just like her, too.

For your information, my mother is going to meet us

in New York, are you going to let her see you like this?

If she's good.

I'm not supposed to get upset, so don't upset me.

If you wanna drink yourself silly, go right ahead.

I do.
Leave me alone.

Oh, oh, toodle.

Why don't you wear glasses?

Don't be silly.

For once, why don't you admit

that you're not completely perfect?

We are nasty today, huh?

No, I'm just fed up with everything.

Claire, what's getting to you all of the sudden?

Now look, don't you start defending her.

Who?

Don't pull that innocent act with me,

you know darn well who.

What did I say?

You don't have to say anything,

I know what you're thinking.

Just how many kids are you expecting?

What do you mean by that?

My mind happened to be an absolute blank

if you wanna know.

Look at all this junk.

Your mind's always a blank when it comes to me.

Maybe it's because I'm not collecting bottle warmers

like little Mother Machree in there.

And you oughta see that layette she's collected.

If it isn't all cashmere, it's yak's hair.

That kid'll be seven years old

before it gets over the itch.

Well, don't climb on me about it,

I had nothing to do with her baby.

Flares.

Look at this.

The kid's gonna be smothered in all this fuzz.

I don't know what's the matter with you.

Give me that.

Oh, I suppose King would never say anything like that,

would he, would he?

I suppose Sandy would never be nasty, would she?

Stop knocking my friend.

I think I'll go out and get some fresh air.

Bring some back.

Ho, ho, ho.

It's getting stuffy in here. I'm going out.

I wish you'd just go away and leave me alone.

If you're so miserable with me,

why don't we just call it quits?

Okay.

If you wanna divorce, you've got it!

We were just talking about you.

So were we.

Read any good labels lately?

Mm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

(gentle orchestral music)

[Jeff Voiceover] If she only knew.

But nobody knows, just me.

Sandy's gotta know, though.

You can't build a marriage on a lie.

Not a lie like that.

Sooner or later, I've got to tell her.

(light orchestral music)

Do you want something?

See you later.

Darling, the time has come.

Dinner won't be ready for another 15 minutes.

Sweetheart, forget dinner.

I've come to talk to you about our child.

Oh, isn't he the most precious little baby?

Yeah, he's precious all right,

but what would you say if I told you

that that child isn't mine?

Well, of course he's yours Jeff,

it says so right on the birth certificate.

Forget the birth certificate.

That child's real father is King, King (yelling) Banner.

Oh, darling, you're just upset.

Here, I've prepared for you a little drink.

Oh, you don't believe me.

Yes, I do believe you, I've always believed you,

that's because you've never lied to me.

You're too good. To us.

To us.

(Jeff yelling)

What did you put in that drink?

Oh, just a pill, darling.

You know all about pills and drinks.

Ah, you couldn't, you didn't, you couldn't!

(Jeff yelling)

Couldn't I?

Poor little baby, as if we didn't know.

Mm-hmm.

You look awful.

I thought we were going to have to

slide you over the side at daybreak.

They say it's the only way to go.

Want a drink?

No thanks.

You're mad at me, too.

No, I'm not.

(boat horn blaring)

Wonder where that ship's going.

Down.

Enough of this. I'll buy you a cup of black coffee.

Claire, I wanna talk to you.

Sure, after a nice cup of black strong coffee.

What a revolting idea.

More coffee, sir?

No, no thanks.

Now, you were saying?

Think back to the night I bumped my head.

Do you remember anything unusual about it?

Well, it was quite a bump, what about it?

No, I'm talking about you and me.

Remember what happened to us.

Well, as I recall, we spent the night together.

Right, and I was knocked out.

But what did we do?

Well, I just told you, honey, we spent the night together.

Oh, Claire, come with me.

Uh, perhaps madame would like mince pie.

Oh, I'd love it.

But if I ate anything so rich, it'd probably kill me.

She'll have the mince pie.

Oh, Tulio, you're so good to me.

The doctor said I shouldn't.

A la mode.

(jaunty music)

Now do you remember?

I remember falling asleep in here.

But before you fell asleep.

I remember giving you a pill.

Right. Now, did you make love to me?

Did I make love to you?

I like the way you put that.

Did you?

You're out of your mind.

Claire, really, listen.

Darling, you are serious.

It's driving me crazy. At times I almost remember it.

Then like now it seems like, like a dream.

Was I fascinating?

Overwhelming.

You're an idiot.

In the first place, I'm not casual with my favors.

(door clicks)

And in the second place, the doctor

was right there with us all night.

What was he doing, selling tickets?

He wasn't there.

He was too there.

He was not there.

And what about my wife and your husband?

They were selling tickets.

They were off dancing or something somewhere, weren't they?

All night?

Come to think of it,

he never has mentioned that night to me.

Not once.

Claire, you oughta know everything.

Are you putting me on?

I hope to cut out my tongue after I tell you this,

so I'll never be able to repeat it.

King was-

(whimsical music)

King? Sandy and King?

Go ahead, whatever you say, I deserve it.

What's so funny?

Oh, oh if you only knew.

Look, Jeff, why is this so important to you?

Why? You want your own baby, that's why.

It's a fundamental instinct.

Oh, look, if you feed it and clothe it

and love it, then it's yours.

I found this out when I was seven years old.

Seven?

I had a dog, and this dog had puppies

right under my bed.

And when the puppies died, I went out

and found a litter of kittens to console it.

Well, she licked them and she fed them,

and most important of all, she loved them.

And believe me, they were hers.

Well, if Sandy has a litter of kittens,

I'll love 'em, too.

But just in case she happens to have a baby,

it'll be King's.

The baby is yours.

Oh, sure.

There's not a doubt in the world.

I'd give anything in the world to believe that.

Uh, I guess it's my turn to tell a story.

I won't promise to cut out my tongue,

but I would appreciate it if you'd keep the secret.

Sure.

(bold orchestral music)

(deflated whistling)

No! King Banner?

Yeah, it gets you right here, doesn't it?

All these years and he never let on.

Oh, he doesn't know.

Can you imagine anyone telling King

he's anything less than perfect?

Do you realize what you're saying?

(whimsical music)

Precisely my words to the doctor five years ago.

Good old King.

Thanks for telling me. Isn't it wonderful?

(melancholy music)

Wonderful.

Oh, excuse me, my wife's having a baby

and I'm the father, I'm the father.

Baby, baby.

Tulio, he flirted with me.

(Mrs. Snavely groans)

(lively orchestral music)

Excuse me, I'm awfully sorry. Excuse me.

Captain, she's my wife and the baby,

I'm, I'm gonna be the father of the baby.

Oh, excuse me, I'm awfully sorry.

My wife's baby is gonna look like me.

My wife's baby, like me!

Well, that's a risk you have to take.

Thank you.

Uh, honey, uh, uh, uh, I'm back.

Hmm. What happened to you?

I just realized what a lucky guy I am.

I've been behaving like an awful rat.

Where have you been just now, to a revival meeting?

Sweetheart I, I just, I just wanna watch you knit.

Mm, sorry, the show just broke.

Claire and I have hair appointments.

Then I'll knit for you.

Think I can't? Watch.

(Sandy chuckling)

You nut.

All right, behave yourself, be a good boy.

I'll be back in a couple of hours, okay?

There you are. We've got hair appointments.

Oh, for goodness sakes, I almost forgot.

And that I couldn't afford.

(knocking)
Come in.

Hi.
Hi.

You're sober.

Just an affectation. (laughs)

Sit down, King, you look a little peaked.

I've never felt better in my life.

That's right, you're right at the peak of your powers.

Darn right.

Right at the peak.

You should've seen him running all over the ship,

yelling he was a father, I thought he'd finally flipped.

Oh, he just went on the wagon.

Oh.

Ooh, strawberries and cream.

I think I'll have some of those.

Yes, ma'am.

Make mine a watercress sandwich. I'm counting calories.

Oh, that sounds good. I'll have that.

Instead of strawberries?

No, with the strawberries.

Oh, strawberries and cream and a watercress sandwich.

Mm, the clam chowder looks yummy. I'll have that.

Thank you.

I'll have that, too.

Strawberries and cream and a watercress sandwich

and clam chowder.
That's right.

The olives are nice.

Of course, oh and would you bring me a side order

of those little sour pickles?

Sour pickles.

I just all of a sudden crave something a little sour.

Claire, honey,

by any chance, would you be feeling upset,

dizzy or something?

No, I feel fine, I'm just...

Oh.
Oh, look out below.

(horn blowing)

(lively orchestral music)

Well, business is picking up. (humming a lullaby)

Where's King?

Probably in the gym, why?

He hasn't heard.

I want a girl, what do you want?

I wanna throw up.

Well, naturally, you have to expect that.

Why?

Claire's gonna have a baby.

It happened just like that.

Isn't that wonderful?

Wonderful? It's impossible.

What in the world are you talking about?

The doctor said you could have some Bonine

for your nausea.

I'll try anything.

I'll go up to the pharmacy and get you something.

Bring me back a few.

Claire, I'm happy as anything about you and King.

Look, dear heart, I gotta get back to the shop.

Besides, this may be catching.

Thanks, Babbette. See you later.

Okay.

Claire, I behaved like an ass.

I deserved your story about King.

That was no story.

Please.

That was no story. I didn't make it up, I swear.

You didn't?

And I guess you didn't make up

that story you told me, either.

Forget the story I told you.

It couldn't have happened, couldn't have.

You can't fight facts.

There's always the postman's sister-in-law's daughter.

That's right, there is.

It could be King's, couldn't it, Jeff?

Could be, it's got to be, it is.

And if there's any doubts in your mind,

just remember the dog and the litter of kittens.

I remember.

And Jeff, I want you to be the first to know.

King's been offered a six-picture deal in Europe,

and we'll be gone for years.

When did King decide that?

Oh, don't be silly.

He doesn't even know he's going to accept it yet.

(Jeff laughing)

Here's big daddy.

Claire, Claire, Sandy just told me.

That's a mistake, isn't it?

No, King. Do you mind?

Mind?

For your information, I've been told, not by a quack,

but by two competent doctors,

that I could never be a father.

Jeff?

(Jeff mutters)

Oh, no.
And now this.

We'll discuss it later.

We'll discuss it right now.

My wife and my best friend.

Sandy, wait in our cabin.

No, I wanna hear.

Stay where you are, Sandy.

I, I-

King, I love you, remember that.

No matter what happens, I love you.

Remember that, King.

You two didn't fool me for a minute.

Now wait a minute, I wish somebody

would tell me what's going on.

My wife and my best friend laughing at me.

I wasn't laughing at you,

we didn't laugh at you, we'd never laugh-

Go ahead, laugh at me now.

Laugh at my pills, my health, with my exercises.

They worked, didn't they?

Ho, ho.

(Jeff and Claire laughing)

Come here, you.

Oh, Jeff darling, this has been so much fun.

Let's do the same thing next year.

And so two childless couples are no longer childless.

Two men who thought they would never be fathers

now find their greatest hopes fulfilled.

In conclusion, the power of suggestion is a marvelous thing.

It can work at the most unexpected times.

Doctor.

Hi. Can I come in?

Doctor, I have a problem.

Wait just a minute.

To be continued.

As you were saying.

Oh, yes, as is was saying, I have a problem, Doctor.

It's this, you see, my husband and I have been on board

this ship for six weeks now, and it's been six weeks

of nothing but sick, sick, sick.

He hasn't been out of that cabin once,

well maybe once, and that once he just went over

and looked overboard, and he got sick again.

(bold orchestral music)

(boat horn blowing)

(lively orchestral music)