Project: ALF (1996) - full transcript

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Good evening, I am
General Myron Stone.

Air Force liaison to the Pentagon.

I would like to introduce to you
our esteemed committee members.

Undersecretary Overmeyer from
the State Department...

Dudley Next from the Pentagon,
former Senator Ann Farnsworth...

and Darnell Muggins
from Central Intelligence.

I shall now ask our project
personnel to introduce themselves.

Yes, thank you, General.
I am Colonel Gilbert Milfoil...

and I am the head of security
for the alien task force.

This is my assistant
Second Lieutenant Reese.

I'm Second Lieutenant Reese...



Colonel Milfoil's assistant.

Captain Rick Mullican,
scientific coordinator on Project ALF.

My duty has been to monitor all
testing performed on the alien.

Major Melissa Hill,
clinical psychologist.

I have been responsible for all
behavioral evaluations concerning the alien.

This panel has convened
to render a decision...

as to the immediate future
of the alien life form...

known as Alf.

Col. Milfoil is demanding full resumption
of psychological and physical testing...

and the possible elimination of the creature.

Capt. Mulligan and Major Hill
oppose this idea.

And, in fact, recommend the
release of the alien.

Now it is our responsibility
to hear these arguments...

and determine what should
be done with the alien.



We know what to do with it,
some of us just don't have the guts.

It's not a matter of guts,
it's a matter of human rights.

Aliens don't have human rights,
Major, that's why they're aliens.

They're aliens because we alienate them.

Oh, please.

She's right...

we found Alf to be a warm, friendly...

occasionally annoying,
but highly intelligent creature.

Sir, Alf is a menace to society
and ought to be incinerated.

- Don't you mean incarcerated, sir?
- No.

According to these records,
Alf's planet Melmac exploded in 1985...

after wandering in space for
almost a year, his spacecraft

fell to Earth and crashed into the
garage of a family by the name of Tanner.

That is affirmative, madam.

The alien held the Tanner family
captive and terrorized them...

for as long as he lived with them.

The Tanners and Alf got along great.

On the contrary, Mr. Tanner
testified himself that the alien...

set over 300 fires in their home...

and that he continually
tried to eat the family cat.

For the record, he never ate the cat.

Besides, it was only 246 fires and
most of those were barbecue related.

Where is the Tanner family now?

They were placed on the witness
protection program in 1990.

- Well, perhaps we should talk to them.
- I'm afraid they don't have a phone yet, sir.

...It's hard to get service in Reykjavík.
- They live in Iceland?

They turned down Mozambique, they
weren't happy with the school system there.

- Well, are they happy with...
- They're fine, madam. The rest is classified.

Perhaps now would be a good time to
view the videotapes of the alien

undergoing some of those
tests you told us about.

The committee should be
aware that several tapes...

including those of the more inhumane
tests mysteriously disappeared...

...about the time these hearings were sched...
- You lost some of the tapes? Honest to God...

Security in your department is appalling...

anyone can just waltz into his
lab and take whatever they want.

Anyone with a security key
and a 14-digit combination.

Can we take a look at
those tapes we do have?

Good morning, Alf.
May I call you Alf?

If you insist.

Well, I'm Dr. Warner, and I'd
like to ask you a few questions.

Do I have to come up with funny answers?

Not at all.

Now during the course of these interviews,
we'll also be video taping you.

If it's shown on Hard Copy,
I'll expect residuals.

No, these tapes are classified.
The public will never see them.

That's what they told Marion Barry.

Yes, yes.

Good morning, Alf.

"Hehehe," yourself.

I take it this isn't
the word association test.

There's been a change of plans.
Not to worry.

We're going to conduct a different test.

I'm not sure I like the word "conduct."

I assure you it's completely safe.

Pay no attention to that sign.
It shouldn't even be there.

- I'll remove it if it bothers you.
- It bothers me.

Medic! Medic!

Hello, Alf, I'm Dr. Newman.

No need to ask who you're replacing.

We're gonna try a little game
called Numeric Sequencing.

- Does it involve electric shock?
- Absolutely not.

Forgive me if I'm a little paranoid. There's
still a silhouette burnt into the linoleum.

Well, it's been officially determined
that Dr. Warner had a heart condition.

And his unforunate death was totally
unrelated to the mild shock that he received.

I'd be ready for litigation, if I were you.

That's not your concern at this point.

The man was cooked in his shoes.

Could you stop the tape?

His glasses were fused to his skull!

- Stop the tape!
- He was a cinder!

- Hello there, I'm Dr. Stanley.
- Where's Dr. Newman?

He's taking some time off.

I assumed you heard what
happened to Dr. Warner.

Yep, bad heart.

Oh, we're sticking to that
story, huh? Mum's the word.

Let's try some word association.

I'll say a word, and you say
whatever pops in your mind.

- Food.
- I haven't said anything yet.

Nothing interesting, at least.

- Sit.
- I am sitting.

No, no, no, no.
That's the first word: "sit."

Oh. Uh, food.

- "Sunrise."
- "Breakfast."

- "Square."
- "Meal."

- "Left."
- "Overs."

Should we stop and give
you something to eat?

I could use a little snack.

Do you feel better?

I do now.

May we proceed with our
word association test?

Fire away.

All right, here's the first word:

- Is there a problem?
- Nope.

"Here" is the first word.

Go ahead.

No! "Here." The word
"here" is the first word.

You're jerking my chain, aren't you?

- Let's just try another word.
- Good idea.

- "On."
- "Off."

- "Up."
- "Down."

- "Toast."
- "Dr. Warner."

- "In."
- "Out."

- "Cold."
- "Dr. Warner."

Look, can we stop the cameras, please?

Warner's body had to be
removed to a chimney sweep.

Cut!

Hello, I'm Dr. Mockton.

I'm going to show you some ink blots.

Does this involve electric shock?

- Let's not start that again.
- You know why I'm asking, don't you?

I suggest you change the subject...

unless you want to pay another
visit to the centrifuge.

Been there, done that. Threw up.

Let's start with this one.

Dr. Warner struck me
as a rather gentle man.

This one is definitely the Pepsi.

- Good morning, I'm Dr. Carnage.
- Yikes.

- "Yikes," yourself.
- Just so we understand each other.

- I'm going to show you some pictures.
- Are they of you?
- No.

Good.

- Identify, if you can...
- No breakfast?

- No breakfast.
- Lousy pork butt.

No need to be insulting.

No, no. That's was what I had for
breakfast-- just one lousy pork butt.

Can you identify the
man in this picture?

He was the drummer for the Beatles.
Can I ask you something?

- What?
- How have you found the
food here on the base?

- Adequate.
- Any truth to that saltpeter thing?

Because, frankly, I've been
having trouble maintaining a...

Tell me about this picture.

I wondered when we were gonna
get around to the Star Trek stuff.

Oh, so you know about
the Starship Enterprise.

I know it's an icon for millions
of people who don't have a life.

- And tell me about your spaceship.
- My ex-spaceship.

Now it's a pile of rubble.
Much like my life.

And what about your life, Alf? Are you
unhappy? Tell me what frightens you.

- Besides the Fox network?
- Besides the Fox network.

- Can I ask you something?
- Of course.

I'm a bit curious about the
"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy...

...here in the military.
- What about it?

Well, I assume it's
worked to your advantage.

Stop the tape.

3, 2, 1.. engage.

Quick! Somebody bring the jaws of life!

That crash test is the perfect example...

of the cruel and inhumane punishment
Alf has been subjected to, Mr. Chairman.

It had an airbag. It just didn't work.

Perhaps it would be a good
idea if we met with Alf...

...and talked with him personally.
- That's highly inadvisable, sir.
He's very dangerous.

And may I remind you,
sir, he is pelvic height.

- Where exactly is Alf now?
- Exactly where he belongs, madam,

in maximum security
under full military guard.

So, what's the alien gonna do now?

Looks like I don't have a choice.

You don't.

Straight flush! Read 'em and weep!

Hey, have some more pretzels,
boys. They're only a dollar a bag.

That's it for me. I'm tapped.

You're tapped? I just lost my hazard pay.

- Well, better luck tomorrow, guys.
Cash 'em out, Murph. And lock the safe.
- Yes, sir.

Oh, and while you're up, get me
the results from Santa Anita...

and find out what we
owe on the Tyson fight.

Who would have thought that
prison would have made him meaner?

- I'm on it, sir.
- Oh, and rustle up some
pizza from the commissary.

- Double cheese-- hold the saltpeter.
- Right!

- Rhomboid!
- Yes, sir.
- What's my schedule look like for tomorrow?

Pretty tight. 8:30am, massage.

- No hot oil.
- We won't make that mistake again.

9:30 breakfast. Irish oatmeal,
fresh strawberries, okay?

- Will I get scones?
- You get scones.

And fresh clotted cream?

Bad news on the clotted cream front, I'm afraid.
It missed the flight from Devonshire.

- Aw, why don't you just stab me?
- Sorry.

- Hey, 10 o'clock is your hair coloring.
- Right shade this time?

- Burnt sienna.
- I'm the same color Lucy was...

...towards the end.

And I managed to block out
from 11:00 to 3:00 for your lunch.

- Oh, that is tight!
- And at 4:30...

it's either tea time, or resumption
of shock therapy, depending upon
the outcome of the hearing.

Please, let it be tea time.

At this point, I'd even drink herbal.

Dismissed.

Lieutenant, I've met Yasser.
Not only looks like Ringo...

he's a better drummer.

Oh, sorry.

In consideration of the overwhelming
amount of data before us...

this committee will reconvene in two weeks.

Until then the alien remains in
custody under full military security.

Prudent decision, sir.

It is the ruling of this
panel, however, that all...

testing on the alien will be
suspended until further notice.

Sir, I must strongly object.
Sir, let the record show that I have...

This hearing is adjourned!

Mama.

Beg your pardon, sir?

- What?
- Did you say something, sir?

What are you doing here?

I'm saying good night, sir.

- Good night.
- Good night.

- Reese.
- Sir?

How do you think things went today?

I thought the panel made
a very safe decision, sir.

- I thought it was abominable.
- Abominable, yes, sir. Safe, yet abominable.

- Reese?
- Still here, sir.

- Let me tell you a story.
- Now?

- I grew up without a mother.
- You'd never know, sir.

I had a mother, but when I was
12 years old, they hauled her away.

"Nutty as a fruit cake," they said.
Why do you suppose they said that, Reese?

Oh, wouldn't venture a guess, sir,
even if I knew for certain.

- It was aliens.
- From across the border?

- From across the cosmos, Reese.
- Oh, out there! Yeah.

We lived on a farm, and mother
would talk of mysterious sightings.

She spoke of cattle mutilations and
bizarre rings burnt into the fields.

But no one took her seriously
until it was too late.

- Should I come in, sir?
- Yes, please, come in.
Make yourself comfortable.

Then one day the aliens kidnapped mama.

They experimented on her.

They twisted her mind and clouded
her thoughts to the point where
she doubted her own sanity.

I'm sorry, sir.

- How about a drink?
- No, thanks.

- For me, Reese.
- Oh! Of course.

When my mother took her own life...

she left behind a note penned
with incomprehensible symbols.

"The ravings of a lunatic," they said.
But I knew differently, oh, yes.

I knew very differently.

And I made up my mind.
I would seek the truth.

I knew that one day I would
join the alien task force.

- Ice?
- Yes, please.

Eventually, I found out that those
symbols do indeed have meaning.

- What do they mean, sir?
- I don't know.

But they're the same as the mysterious
etchings on the mountaintops of Peru.

And they're the same symbols we
found on the flying saucer in Area 51.

Now those symbols have
yet to be deciphered, sir.

You don't need a Rosetta Stone
to know they spell trouble.

You really think Alf
poses that kind of threat?

There's a very thin line between
mutilating cows and eating cats.

Point well taken, sir.
But the panel doesn't seem to agree.

The panel can never know what I know.

Or what my dear mother knew.

That's why we must take it
out of their hands, Reese.

- I smell a covert operation, sir.
- What you're smelling is victory.

A triumph of good over evil.

One that could make me
President of the United States.

It might even help you
earn your first lieutenant bars.

- Wow. So much so soon.
- I want you to assign
this medical requisition,

...and access the serum
from the lab on level 3.

If anyone asks questions,
you just tell them...

it's biohazardous material,
section 12-801.

- Sign right there.
- Top Secret?

Yes. Our top secret, Reese.
Right there at the bottom.

Let me help steady your hand, son.

That's it. Good man, yourself.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you, sir.

Carry on.

Anyway, she was great--
didn't back down for a minute.

I mean, she was passionate,
eloquent and beautiful.

She's here.

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

Major, Rick was talking about you.

Pete, why don't you go get
yourself an apple juice, huh?

Oh. Yes, sir. Right away.
Major Hill?

- No, thanks.
- All right, one apple juice.

I'll be back in a couple of hours.

He's a great kidder.

- I've been transferred.
- What?

- It's true.
- When?

No later than 0800 hours tomorrow morning.

It's right there above
Colonel Milfoil's signature.

He can't do this to us!

I mean, we're such a great team.

Divide and conquer.

Excuse me, doctor. I need a
signature on this requisition form.

Medical requisition: Level 3?
What's this about?

I wouldn't know, sir,
it's a section 12-801.

Level 3 is biohazardous material.

Airman, would you please step outside,
we'll be with you in a minute.

Yes, sir.

Reese is trying to access the vaccines
we're developing for biological warfare.

Security, is Sergeant Rhomboid
still on duty?

Evening pizza run, of course.

What about Murphy?
Great, thanks.

Murphy, Major Hill.
Just checking up on Alf.

No, I don't owe him money.

Say, what's his schedule
like for tomorrow?

It's pretty tight, huh?

Um, any changes in the
last several hours?

Really? Why?

What time?

All right. Thanks for the info.

What? What is it?

They rescheduled Alf's
pedicure for a medical exam.

I'd say a lethal one.

- I can't believe we're doing this.
- It's our only choice.

Once we get Alf off the base,
we'll worry about everything else.

- Kidnap, you mean.
- We're saving his life!

And where are we gonna take him?
Neverland Ranch?

The only place he'd go unnoticed.

- Evening, Airman Murphy.
- Evening, Major.

- Captain.
- Evening.
- Alf around?

- Silly question. He's a prisoner.
- Yes. He's in his suite.

Uh, we've got him scheduled
for a couple tests tonight.

- He's sleeping pretty soundly, sir.
- That's good!

Because they're noctural
comprehension tests.

NCTs.

We'd do them in the morning,
but it's just not the same.

Oh, understood. It's just Alf gets a
little cranky when he's awakened.

Unless it's for his evening pizza...

which should be arrving
any minute, so go on ahead.

Hey, he's selling copies of movies
that are still running in the theaters.

- We're not here to shop!
- $2.99 for the Lion King!

How does he do this?

I must again, remind this jury...

not to discuss this
case amongst yourselves...

...lest I admonish you.
- Alf!

Counsel will refer to me as "Your Honor."

Alf, wake up!

Hey! Easy with the mask, huh?
I've got cold cream on.

What are you two doing here?
You know the rules...

"no merchandise sold
until 0900 hours."

Alf, you're in grave danger.
We've gotta get you off the base.

You're scheduled for a medical
test in a couple hours.

Well, it must be my cholesterol again.

Last time it was over 1,000.

That's the least of your worries.
Milfoil is planning to test a serum on you.

Is it cherry flavored?

It's poison.
And it comes in a hypodermic needle.

- So, it's not cherry flavored.
- Alf, get up! We have to get you off the base!

I can't leave all this behind!
I have a corporation to run here.

Alf, you have a choice.
Your money or your life.

Well?

I'm thinking! I'm thinking!

Well, there's no time for thinking.

Hey! Ow!
Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, relax. It's just a sedative.

Oh, that's really
gonna cost you, buddy.

Just for that, I'm tacking on
an extra 10% to your gambling debts.

And I want it in... cash...
by next... Tues...

- Quick, get him in the mailbag.
- How much time do we have?

He oughta be out for a good half-hour.

- It's Rhomboid with your pizza.
- Yeah, Alf, open up.

- What are we gonna do?
- Get him in the bag.

Slide the pizza under the door. Ha!

It won't fit.

- Then keep it.
- And what about this flaming dessert? Oh! Ow.

Um, extinguish and enjoy.

Gee, thanks, buddy.
You feeling all right?

Uh, yeah, I'm just not
quite as peckish as I thought.

Okay, pal. See you in the morning.

Great impression of Alf. Except he
would never use the word "peckish."

Yeah, he'd never turn down
food either. Come on.

Whoa! Hey, hey.

- Oof, man.
- He's a lot heavier than he looks.

Just our luck, six of his
seven stomachs must be full.

All clear.

Where are you going, Captain?

I'm driving.
Unless, of course, you want to.

You're not going anywhere,
and that's an order.

- What are you talking about?
- There is no reason for
you to get in any deeper.

This was my idea.
I take full responsibility.

- I thought we were in this together.
- Your help has been appreciated, Captain...

and now you're dismissed.

Are you pulling rank on me, Melissa?

Major. And, yes, I am.

- Oh, I don't believe this.
- Rick, that's an order!

And if I don't follow it, what?
You gonna march back to Milfoil and
tell him I'm being insubordinate?

No offense, Major. This is
my order: get in the van.

If we can make it past the
guard gate, we got a shot.

- Is this a motor pool van?
- Yeah, it was. It's Alf's now.

He won it in a poker game.

- He rents it back to 'em on weekends.
- He'll probably charge us for mileage.

- It wasn't personal, was it?
- What?

Your not wanting me
to come along with you.

No, I like you.
I like working with you. You're...

dedicated, and sincere, and sensitive.

Well, not that you asked, but...

I think you're passionate, eloquent...

...and beautiful.
- So I overheard.

I don't want you to get
a big head about it.

I only felt that way since
the first time I heard you say:

"Welcome to the Edmonds Air Force Base."

- We're going really slowly.
- Well, I think we should.

I mean, you're my superior,
and I didn't know how you felt.

No, I mean, we're going 2 miles/hour.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Evening, Major.
Captain.

What brings you out at 2300 hours?

Oh, stealing government secrets.
Selling 'em to spies.

No, seriously. Um, I'm taking
Major Hill to the train station...

...she's been transferred.
- Orders, ma'am.

Be right back.

- I find him to be a bit humorless.
- It wasn't that funny.

Ohhh, where am I?

- Don't look now. The mail's awake.
- Be quiet, Alf!

I remember now.
I'm being abducted by humans.

- There's a switch.
- Shut. Up. Alf.

- I have to use the bathroom.
- Alf, get down!

That was exceptionally
painful on a full bladder.

- Everything seems to be in order.
- Thank you, Sergeant.

We have to go now.

- You're telling me.
- Beg your pardon?

You're telling me! Haha.

Thanks.

I don't recognize this part of the country.
Could be this bag that I'm in.

Yeah, and you're gonna stay in that
bag until we get where we're going.

- Where are we going?
- Ever hear of Dexter Moyers?

Yeah. UFO guy, got drummed out of NASA.

No, he wasn't drummed out. He resigned.
He testified in front of a...

congressional committee that alien
sightings should be made public.

So they transferred him
to simulator maintenance.

- How come you know so much about him?
- He was a friend of my father's.

- I called him, and he offered to help us.
- Where does he live?

Near the Arizona and New Mexico border.

Oh, goodie. I should be able
to swim out of this bag by then.

Why are you so steamed, Alf?
We saved your life.

Saved my life?
You took me from my friends.

Whom, incidentally, I was
making a good living off of.

Okay, I, uh..
I checked with the front desk.

There's no room service.

Big surprise.
We're lucky there's plumbing.

What if Rick went out and
got you something to eat?
Would that make you happy?

You can't buy me with food.
Unless it's fried chicken.

- I'll see what's open.
- Couple of burgers, maybe.

- Right, chicken or burgers.
- No, chicken and burgers...

...and doughnuts.
And get some beet juice.

- I like to dunk.
- Man.

Also, if there's a laundromat around,
I suggest you wash that mailbag.

Why? What's wrong with the...

I told you to stop at a clean gas station.

I'll go see about that food.

Last call.
Anyone want the runny white part?

Going, going...

Gone!

Can we get some sleep now?
It's 3 am.

The night is young.
Who's up for a game of Twister?

- Where did you put the sedative?
- I heard that.

Please, Alf, we need rest.

Well, how should we handle
the sleeping arrangements?

I should get the bed...

seeing that I'm already
on it, and I'm shedding.

Fine. We'll stay here on the couch.

Evidently, we've paired
up for the evening.

We haven't paired up,
there's just no place else to sit.

Oh, tish tosh. You two have
been playing Ken and Barbie...

ever since we left the base.

Could you turn the TV down?

Nothing but infomercials
on at this hour.

How about turning it off?

Oh, look.
It's the one for the "Wonder Rag."

Jump, jump, jump, jump...
Jump, jump, jump, jump...
1, 2, 3, 4...

Jump, jump, jump, jump...
1, 2, 3... 4...
Jump, jump, jump, jump...

Someone's at the door.

Oh, boy. Someone's at the door.

Alf, hide in the bathroom!

It's been a long time since
those words were uttered.

- Evening, folks.
- Hello.
- Hi.

Name's Ernie. I drive a truck.

If you look right behind me in the
parking lot, you'll see my 18-wheeler.

Oh, yeah, there it is.
16, 17, 18, right?

Yeah, well, being on the road twenty
straight hours can make a body tired.

And irritable.

Kind of hard to sleep when all your
hear from the room next door is the
incessant pounding of a bed on the wall.

I'm... I'm sorry.
I apologize. We were...

Look, I was a newlywed
myself once, buddy.. dang!

- We're not...
- Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Point made.

Alf, the coast is clear.
You can come out now.

Alf?

- Oh, no...
- What?

What now?

He's gone.

And now the big question:

How much would you expect to
pay for the amazing Wonder Rag
and patented hanging hook?

- Twenty bucks!
- Think before you answer.

Darn.

Just as a special TV bonus,
we'll throw in this...

plastic protection bib,
and a gallon of saw dust...

...for those stubborn industrial spills.
- Mmm, I'll go as high as 25.

$100? $50?

What would I were to say you
get everything for only $19.95?

Try purchasing a rag and saw dust
for anything less than that!

Let's check on Sydney,
and see how she's doing...

Hi!

- Do you have a phone?
- What?

All right, take your time,
get over the initial shock...

then answer my question:
Do- you- have- a- phone?

- P-p-payphone. Outside.
- How about a coat?

- What for?
- You said the phone was outside, didn't you?
- Yeah.

Then I'll need a coat.
And a hat, if you have one.

- And, uh, I'll need a quarter.
- Yeah.

Sure. Anything.

You're not gonna bite me, are you?

Not for a quarter.

You're not from around here, are you?

Minnesota.

Somehow, I thought it would
be farther than that.

- Michigan.
- Yeah. Yeah.

The wolverine state. Yeah.

Yeah. That-that would explain it.

I appreciate the loan of the
hat and coat. And the quarter.

And, uh, I have to go now.

You, uh, you continue with your
evening and have a good time.

If you know what I mean.
Bye-bye.

J Barracks, Sergeant Murphy.

- Murph, is that you?
- Alf? It's 5 o'clock in the morning.

It's too early for room service.

I'm not calling for room service.
I'm not even calling from my room.

Ask me where I am.

Where are you?

I'm standing on a corner,
somewhere in Arizona...

not a fine site to see.

Hold it, there's someone slowing
down to take a look at me.

Yeah, right.
A girl in a flat-bed Ford, huh?

How'd you know?

- Just a guess. Good night, Alf.
- Wait a minute, Murph! I'm not kidding!

You're telling me you're off the base.

Yes, I was kidnapped by Rick and Melissa.

Major Hill and Captain Mullican?

Oh, forgive me.
I forgot my protocol.

- Where are they?
- At the motel.

- What are they doing in a motel?
- Not much.

They're just "good friends."

Look, I gotta keep this short.

That girl in the
flat-bed Ford just came back.

Looks like she's got a
gun and eats red meat.

What do you want me to do?

Um, bring me my cash, my
credit cards and my pool cue.

- I might have to work for a living.
- I'll do what I can.

- Where can I get ahold of you?
- Leave a message on the Internet.

Kitty Kat Lounge.

Oh, boy! Breakfast!

- Any luck?
- No.

If it wasn't for bad luck,
we'd be having no luck at all.

- Okay, I'll get the van and search in town.
- Hold on...

I got a hunch. You wait in the
room in case he comes back.

- Where are you going?
- I'll be right back!

- So, what are you drinking?
- Uh, nothing. I'd like to see a menu, though.

- Yeah, well, we don't serve food.
- Isn't this the Kitty Kat Lounge?
- Yep.

Well, a want a nice, big, fat calico...

...medium rare.
- Are you some kind of sicko?

All right. All right. Take it easy.

- What's the problem?
- Look!

- Hi.
- Aah!

- What the heck is that thing!
- It's okay. It's okay. I can explain.

Do it. Now.

Um, Mardi Gras. We're on our way to
Mardi Gras. And, hence, the costumes.

- What Mardi Gras?
- What costumes?

The ones we're wearing.

- What costumes?
- Okay, gotta go now.

You're not going anywhere.

There's a two-drink minimum.

Each.

Well, in that case,
I'd like a Melmacian martini.

If you don't have fresh cat juice,
you can substitute ferret.

Okay, here you go. Here you go.
Thanks very much. Something for the ladies.
Appreciate it. You're lovely.

Okay, come on, let's go.
Let's go. Come on.

I hope you're not trying to win
any prizes with those outfits.

The Village People uniform is okay,
but that dog suit's the worst.

- Permission to bite the bouncer, sir?
- Denied. Keep moving.

Come on!

Hey, hey. Easy on the dog
suit, it's a rental.

Oh, great, the cops.

What's so great about that?

Let's see if I've got this right...

around 4:32 am, a short,
furry creature comes in.

- It was a wolverine.
- A wolverine.

He was from Michigan, allegedly.

A wolverine, from Michigan, asked
to use the phone, then proceeded
to steal your hat and coat.

No, no, no, no. He borrowed them.
But let's be realistic.

I'll never see him again.

Well, I wouldn't be so sure.

What were you thinking!
Now this place is crawling with cops!

Let's hope they leave before
the helicopters get here.

- What helicopters?
- Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines.

I might have inadvertently
alerted the military.

- How... might that have happened?
- Phone call.

- Who?
- Mine.

- When?
- Before.

- How?
- Collect.

- Are you sure?
- You're getting it straight
from the wolverine's mouth.

- Why?
- Because I need my things.

I'm not talking to you!
I'm talking to him!

- We have to get out of here. Now.
- In what!

A military van?
They probably got an APB out on it.

- May I suggest a vehicle change?
- No, you may not.

Fine.

We really shouldn't drive that van.

Okay. Umm...

How would you suggest
facilitating a vehicle change?

- What vehicle change?
- The one you suggested earlier.

- Sure it was me?
- Why are you even listening to him?

- A vehicle change is not a bad idea.
- I'll take car of it.

- You can't go outside.
- I just did!

Let him go.

All right, you got five minutes.

Fine, no problem.

I'll get you a vehicle. Man.

Remember me?

- The guy from Michigan.
- Yeah. I'm returning your hat and coat.

Much obliged. And your quarter.

- Thank you.
- I, uh, I have another gift for you.

- You see that van outside there?
- The one that says "Property of US Government"
on the side?

That's the one. It's yours.

I'm with the government,
and we want you to have it.

- Really?
- Yeah. What else do you need?

I don't know. Uh, socks.

No problem. I'll send you a gross.

- I hope you look good in "Air
Force Blue." Hey, you like music?
- Yeah.

I'll send you some CDs.
Is a hundred enough?

- What's the catch?
- No catch, no catch.

You lent me a quarter,
I'm giving you a brand new van...

and a thousand dollars
worth of merchandise.

When you do good things,
it comes back to you.

- Wow. Well, thanks.
- Oh, doh... stupid me. Heh.

I gave you my van.
How am I gonna get where I'm going?

- I don't know.
- What kind of car do you drive?

- A '59 Caddy.
- What's it worth?

- Seven or eight hundred bucks.
- Well, let's see...

you got the van, the socks, the CDs...

You give me the car and 500 bucks,
and we'll call it even.

- I don't have any money.
- All right, all right.
You drive a hard bargain.

Just give me the car.
I guess you didn't get to
where you are by being stupid.

You gotta stay on your toes!

I, uh, I don't suppose there'd be
any warranty that goes with this car?

No. A deal's a deal.
Take it or leave it.

I'll take it. Oh, by the way,
first change you get...

you might want to
have that van re-painted.

Bye.

Air conditioning? Satin sheets?

Big screen TV? Potted palms?

Gentlemen, do you mean
to tell me the alien...

has been living like this the
whole time he was locked up?

No, sir. His original room was
far more spacious, but he
complained it was too drafty.

I see. Why didn't you just put
him in a suite at the Ritz-Carlton?

- Actually, sir, Alf did suggest that.
- Put a lid on it, Sergeant.
- Yes, sir.

- Colonel Milfoil.
- Yes, Reese?
- The red alert has been issued, sir...

a high priority search is in effect
for Major Hill, Captain Mullican...

...and the alien.
- Very well, son.

Now I want to get a mobile
command unit underway ASAP.

I intend to personally handle
every aspect of this investigation.

- It's already being initialized, sir.
- Look at this.

Roulette table. One-armed bandits.
Pinball machine. Blackjack table.
His own personal casino.

- Did you know anything about this, Reese?
- Yes, sir.

What?

But I only participated on Wednesdays.

It was Monte Carlo night.

- You men are on report!
- Yes, sir!

He said he was giving a
full 2% to the homeless, sir.

There are no homeless in
the military, you idiot!

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
riding in the back,
of a pink Cadillac, Jack!...

snacking on a snack,
and thinking on back,
of old Melmac...

grew up in a shack,
without knick-knacks...

No rack and pinion steering,
my uncle's hard of hearing...

The misses interfering!

- Alf!
- What?

- What are you doing?
- Rappin' with the wind, dude...

...about life back home.
- You didn't grow up in a
shack with no knick-knacks...

...and you've never been married.
- Hey, it's a rap.

It doesn't have to make sense.

You know, I asked you to get
down and stay out of sight.

If I do that, I can't eat the bugs.

- I get first dibs on licking the windshield.
- Yuck.

- How much further?
- Um, not much.

- Why would Carl Sagan live way out here?
- It's not Carl Sagan.

It's Dexter Moyers.

He's an ex-NASA test pilot,
and he is an expert on UFOs.

As long as it's not Carl Sagan.

- What's wrong with Carl Sagan?
- Besides his hair?

Well, for one thing, he insists on
pronouncing the name of that planet:
Urine Us.

Want to know the correct pronunciation?

- No.
- No.
- Fine.

- He's gonna say it anyway, isn't he?
- Probably.

Your anus!

That's how it's pronounced!

You know, we've been driving almost
ten minutes. I haven't seen another
car on this highway.

This isn't a highway.

It's Dexter Moyers's driveway.

Wow. A shopping mall.

Okay, I'll admit it.
I'm intimidated.

I'll go in and check things out,
if you stay here with Alf.

Get some rice pudding.

Will you get down behind the seat?

Oh! Hey, look! Another gin bottle!

- Dead solider.
- Get down!

Kindly state your name and nature of business.

Um, Melissa Hill. I'm here to see
Dr. Moyers. He's expecting me.

Please wait. Processing.

- Melissa?
- Yes.

I'm Nina, Dr. Moyers's assistant.
Please, come in. Your friend too.

You know, I thought that I would talk
to Dr. Moyers first, before I...

Of course.

He looks almost human.

- That's my associate. Rick Mullican.
- Oh.

- May I offer you a refreshment?
- No. No, thanks.

Wasted trip.

- Talk about "almost human..."
- That's Rocket-- our ServoBot.

- Melissa.
- A pleasure to meet you again, Dr. Moyers.

Please, it's Dexter. And call me Dex.

I can't believe it.
You are the spitting image of your dad.

- So I've been told.
- Well, sit down.

Your father was quite a guy.

I'll never forget the first
time I met him at NASA...

we were, uh, working on a
secret missile project...

and the first thing he did
was pull out a picture...

of his 9-year-old daughter, "Pork Chop."

- "Pork Chop?"
- Yeah.

- He named you after his most glorious moment
when he and his battalion took Pork Chop Hill.
- Ah. Haha.

Hors d'oeuvres?

- You hungry?
- No. No, thank you.

0 for 2.

- I should get back to the car.
- Pull in the garage,
you can come in the back.

Great.

Um, and thank you. For...

Aiding and abetting? It's my pleasure.

I gotta tell you, I'm very
excited about meeting your friend.

- He's a handful.
- Well, we'll try to make him feel safe.

And I promise I won't call you "Pork Chop."
Anyway, I know your middle name is "Angel."

- That's right.
- Much more fitting.

- I'm gonna go get my friends now.
- Okay.

- So? Everything all right? Did you see Moyers?
- Yes, and he is terrific. He's perfect.

Would that gorgeous young
earthling who opened the door...

happen to be Mrs. Moyers?
- No, I think he's single.

Let's hope they have a hot tub.

- Welcome back.
- Rick, this is Dr. Moyers.

Dexter... Dex.

- Dex, this is Rick Mullican.
- Rick.

Doctor, heard a lot about you.

Well, I want to thank you both for risking
so much to save the alien life form.

Speaking of which,
where is the little guy?

- Alf!
- What!

- You can come in now.
- Not so fast!

They have a cat.

Here, kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty!
Here, kitty kitty kitty!

Alf! Get in here.

I'll be back with my boning knife.

Alf, this is Dr. Dexter Moyers.

Howdy, partner!

Well, Dr. Moyers,
what do you think?

I think this is the moment I've
been waiting for my entire life.

Me too.

- Well, come on in.
- Uh! Not so fast...

What is the seventh
planet from the sun?

- Uranus.
- Lead on, Macduff!

Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Would you care for an
eighth dessert, sir?

Muchas gracias, Rockmeister.
Keep 'em coming.

That's the extent of the rice
pudding, I'm afraid. Unless
you'd like to lick the container.

I would, indeed.

Another gallon of clam
juice to wash it down?

- How did you know?
- I must be psychic.

Your metabolism is incredible.
What was your diet like on Melmac?

Fruits, vegetables, free-range kitten...

...pretty strict. I used
to be an underwear model.

There are so many questions
I want to ask you.

About space, time, the universe.

I have a few questions for you.
Questions about Nina.

Her likes, her dislikes...

and would she like to
be an underwear model.

This is the most incredible
place I have ever seen, Dex.

- I could live here.
- There's plenty of room.

What do you think of the joint, Rick?
You haven't said much.

Oh, well, obviously, it's pretty
amazing. I mean, the computers...

the communication hookup,
the production facilities.

Can't think of anything you don't have.

Napkins. You could use more napkins.

- I'll put napkins on the shopping list.
- You do your own shopping...

- Yeah, and the cooking.
- Wow!

- Wow.
- Does that surprise you?

No, I just..
I thought maybe Nina did it.

- No. Uh, Nina doesn't cook.
- She doesn't have to.

And you never will.

You rang, sir?

Uh, no, but while you're here,
would you mind vacuuming my lap?

Nina needs a clean place to sit.
Haha!

I'll return with the ShopVac.

Next time,
I'll remember to lay down a tarp.

That's the first robot
I've seen with attitude.

Yeah, I modeled him after my ex-wife.

- You designed Rocket yourself?
- Yeah, when I was at NASA.

Wow. He shops.
He cooks. He builds robots.

I guess I'm quite a guy, huh?

Yeah, speaking of NASA, what happened over
there that caused you to get drummed out?

Dex wasn't "drummed out." He resigned.

Because the government was
suppressing information that
he thought should be made public.

If I ever use that
tone of voice with you,

...smack me.

Here's what happened: in 1978
two other NASA test pilots and
I spotted a UFO over Utah...

...and I was the only one to
publicly admit we'd seen anything.

The government denied everything,
and Dex was demoted, but...

He could have been the
next man on the Moon.

The first guy was sure a bust.

- Neil Armstrong?
- Yeah. He had about as much
personality as sled tracks.

And that "one giant step" thing.

I mean, who was his speech writer?
Andy Rooney?

- No, I think Neil came up with that himself.
- They should have left him on the Moon.

Didn't I read something somewhere about you
being implicated in the Lobo Incident?

The Lobo Incident...

was the biggest lie the government
ever made up about me.

Let's just drop it. Okay, Rick?

Fine.

How do you feel about dating
outside of your species?

It wouldn't be the first time.

Isn't she delightful?

If I recall correctly, the
government accused you of being
an informant or something, right?

- Rick!
- No, no, no. I didn't say it. They did.

You're being really
discourteous to our host.

Yeah. After all he's provided us.

You're right. I apologize.
I was out of line.

Look, my only purpose, even
in the beginning, was to
go public with the truth.

Some people don't like that.

Wait a minute. Is that the plan?

You want to go public with Alf?

Absolutely. Once people know
Alf exists, he'll be safe.

And let's not forget the
merchandising possibilities.

Do you really want to see Alf
dolls in all the toy stores?

As long as they're plush.
I don't render well in vinyl.

You're serious about
exposing Alf to the public!

Yeah. I'm expecting a
call from Nigel Neville.

Nigel Neville?
From Global Television Network?

- He's an old friend of mine.
- Ha, of course.

I'm trying to get Alf booked
on his show tomorrow night.

We broadcast worldwide from London.

Nigel Neville Live?

You really think that's the best
way to reveal Alf to the world?

Rick has a point.
I say we hold out for Baywatch.

If anybody's interested,
I think it's a big risk.

Getting on a plane, flying to
London, and putting Alf completely
at the mercy of the media.

We're not taking Alf anywhere.
We'll do the interview from
here by satellite feed.

I'd never put Alf in harm's way.

Now, don't you feel foolish?

We'll do London another time, ducky.

Psst, Rick. Rick, wake up!

Alf, what are you doing?

I need to contact Murphy on the Internet...

but I don't know how to work Dex's computer.

- Oh, why don't you get Dex to help you?
- Rick, I've never seen you like this.

There's something about the guy.
I just don't like him.

No, I mean from this angle.

I thought I had a lot of nose hair.

- Come on, come on. Let's go.
- Aw, man.

All right, here's a list of the
things I want Murphy to send me.

I promised Nina nylons.
I hope she looks good in Air Force Blue.

- You really think you
got a chance with her?
- I do if I can get those nylons.

- Oh, give me the list. I forgot to add oysters.
- What's Nina gonna do with oysters?

They're not for her. They're for me.

Hey, Alf. What do you make of this?

You boys having trouble sleeping?

No. No, Alf just needed
to use the computer.

Well, I was just concerned because
when the computer is turned on...

so are the security cameras,
and everything in this room
gets video taped.

Uh, well, he just wanted to send
something over the Internet.
This list of items.

- Maybe I can help.
- Yeah, Rick, get up.

Let someone who knows what
they're doing get in there.

- Get up.
- Uh, if you need, I'll be in my room.

We won't need you.

Now, about the last item on this list here.

I think think that we
should specify: "strapless."

Melissa! Melissa!

- Who is it?
- It's Rick.

Come in.

Oh, hi.

I'm sorry.
I've been acting like a jealous idiot.

Apology accepted.
Good night.

Yeah, but that doesn't
change my mind about Dexter.

In fact, I just saw something
on his computer that makes me
even more suspicious.

- Like what?
- I don't know.

There was a file called
"Operation Payback."

It was a list of names,
timetables, numbers. Big numbers.

And it had something to do with Alf.

I just, uh, wanted to make sure
everything was all right in here.

Rick was just saying good night.

Well, that's a pretty good idea,
we've got a big day tomorrow.
A monumental day.

- We should all get some sleep.
- Yeah.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Good night, Rick.

I get the feeling Rick is a little
apprehensive about our plans for tomorrow.

Oh, he's okay. He just wants to
make sure we're doing the right thing.

- Do you think we're doing the right thing?
- Oh, I do. I do.

Aren't we?

Telling the truth is
always the right thing.

I'll see you in the morning.

Good night, Angel.

Few more curly fries from underneath the
bed, and I think we'll have it all, sir.

- How long were they here?
- Six hours, sir.

Six hours?

Burnt sienna.

We're close. We're very close, gentlemen.

Put that in the bag, Sergeant.
Thank you.

- You mean to tell me there's
nothing on the video tape?
- He must have turned off the security camera.

No one heard a car starting,
or someone driving away?

I'm afraid not, sir.

One moment, please.
It's the London Times...

they want to know why Nigel Neville
bumped Nelson Mandela off the show tonight...

...to interview you.
- Tell them to watch, and they'll find out.

Your scone, sir. And clotted cream.

All right, Rock of Ages!

- Where's the cheddar cheese?
- I'll leave for Wisconsin immediately.

Drive safely.

Good morning.
You wanted to see me?

- Yeah, Melissa, I do.
- Yo, Dex, let me tell her.

Guess who flew the coop last night?
I'll give you a hint:

- Rick.
- Rick's gone?

Bailed, took a powder,
vamoosed, Splitsville...

"Hasta la vista, baby."

- Where did he go?
- We thought you might know.

- How would I know?
- Did he discuss it with you?
Or leave a note?

No, I'm just as surprised as you are.

Okay.

Find him.

- Where do you think he went, Alf?
- Beats me.

Pass the doughnuts.

Lab Administration.

- Pete?
- Hey, Rick, is that you?

- Thank God you're in the office.
- Hey, man, where are you?

I'm off-base.

Way off-base. Anyway, I guess, by now,
everybody know what happened, huh?

You mean like you guys going AWOL,
and abducting a military hostage?

- Yeah, there's some speculation.
- Yeah, I'll bet. Listen, Pete...

...I need a favor.
- Well, what do you need, Rick?

I want you to access
the central data bank.

And give me any information
you can on a military scandal
called the "Lobo Incident."

Lobo, huh?
Well, that sounds familiar.

Yeah, it happened around 1979.
Maybe '80.

- All right, I'm on it.
Hey, where can I get in touch with you?
- Uh, you can't. I call you back.

Okay, well, give me an hour,
and I'll try to have something by then.

- Thanks, Pete. I appreciate it.
- Hey, Rick.

It's good talking to you.
You take care, okay, buddy?

Yeah, you too. Thanks.

- Did you get that, Reese?
- Every word, sir.
We're tracing the call right now.

Find him, son...

for Mama.

47 inch waist.

I'm going on a diet after the holidays.

- 15 inch neck.
- Look, I'll save you a lot of trouble.

I'm the same suit size as Danny DeVito...

and the same dress size as his wife.

Oh, the satellite uplink is online...

but we're still have trouble
with the phone line to Kuwait.

Keep me posted.

42 inch sleeve.

What are you doing?

I'm fitting Alf for his spacesuit.

I want to look authentic on the air.

You're the real thing.
How much more authentic do we need?

Dex is getting a little stage fright.
We'll talk later.

- Yeah?
- You know, Dex, I've been thinking about
being merchandised. We've got to be careful.

I don't want it look like we sold out.

That's right. A '59 Caddy.

You know, like, putting those
Disney characters on a diaper pail...

was an embarrassment.
Probably the reason Katzenberg left.

Good. Now, find the driver.

And I think we should draw the
line on extruded cheese products...

and anything gelatinous.

Let's not follow in Bill Cosby's footsteps.

Fine. Nothing gelatinous.

- Hi. Alf, what are you doing on the table?
- I'd like to think of it more...

as a pedestal.

The lighting director says
he's ready to talk to you.

Great. If you're not lit right, the
camera can add 20 pounds to your nose.

We learned that from the
Gerard Depardieu movies.

Dex, can I talk to you for a minute?

I'll go help Alf.

- What's on your mind?
- Rick. Have you heard from him?

- No, not a thing.
- I'm a little worried about him.

After all, we are... were...
in this together.

I'm sorry he let you down.

Last night when he came into
my room, he was really upset.

He said that he saw
something on your computer.

I didn't really think
much of it at the time,

but I just overheard a conversation
between two of your associates, and
they were talking about the same thing.

What is "Operation Payback"?

- More coffee?
- Oh! No. No.

I'll take a cup of that java, ma'am.

- Sir!
- Captain?

Guess you'd better make that to go, hon.

I'm sorry it had to come down to this,
because I really do like you, you know?

I can't believe I led Alf into a trap!

Don't think of it as a trap,
think of it as an opportunity.

I promise you Alf won't be hurt,
he's much too valuable for that.

I know. Merchandising.

Melissa, you don't understand.
Alf is the merchandise.

- You're selling Alf?
- To the highest bidder.

But only once I prove to the world
that extraterrestrial life exists.

You're never gonna get away with this.
The government will hound you...

...until the day you die.
- Wrong again, Angel.

Don't ever-- call me that.

Once I expose Alf, the government
has no credibility. And I think
you deserve something for that.

How about a million dollars and
safe passage out of the country?

- I hate you.
- Well, think about it.
Consider your options.

Want to watch some TV?
I hear Nigel Neville has a
pretty good show on tonight.

We will find the alien,
whether you cooperate or not.

Sure. It just might take
a little longer if I don't.

We got him in our sights. I've got
ground units covering a 600-mile radius.

- Oh, you're assuming
they're traveling by land.
- What!

Oh, nothing! I was just saying, if
they're in a private plane, for example.

Every hour that ticks by, puts
them hundreds of miles further away.

Now, you listen to me,
you traitorous little twerp...

you better come clean, and quickly too,
or I'm gonna kick your butt so hard...

your breath's gonna
smell like shoe polish!

All right, I'll cooperate.

I knew you were monitoring
those phone calls into the base.

I wanted you to find me.

I'm ready to make a deal.

What kind of deal?

I'll lead you to them, if you
promise not to harm Alf or Melissa.

Why would I agree to that?

Because if you don't find them
in the next 15 minutes...

...it will be too late.
Alf will be revealed to the world.

And your entire career will be a sham.

All right, that's enough, Louie.
I'm not Burt Reynolds.

- Six minutes to air, Dr. Moyers.
- The bidders standing by?

All but the king of Yemen.
He's still in morning prayers.

He'd better pray he's got
enough money to bid by the
time it gets around to him.

And, by the way, U.S. dollars only.
No rubles, no yen, no francs, no drachmas...

...and definitely no pesos.
Fifty million dollar opening bid...

...and increments of ten million
after that. Where's Alf?

Green room.

- How do you feel, cutie?
- Oh, a tad nervous.

I thought I'd open with
a couple of toilet jokes...

to get the English audience on my side.

Hey, hey. Just walk away, Renee.
I don't want to appear overly-groomed.

- You look adorable.
- How you doing, champ?
- Oh, oh!

- What do you think?
- Why does he have an ascot and a pipe?

- He asked for them, sir.
- I work well with props.

You just need props. Just
go out there and be yourself.

Get rid of these.

I'll mail them back to Hugh Hefner.

- I thought I'd open with a joke or two.
- No. No jokes, Alf.

Here's one: What's the difference
between a shower curtain...

...and the toilet paper?

I don't know.

So you're the one!

Haha! Get it?

Then I thought I'd segue into
some of the "B" material.

No jokes.

Gee, Dex, I'm starting to
see a big change in you.
Are you getting enough sleep?

Three minutes to air.

I'll bring you out after
the first commercial break.

- Who's the sponsor?
- What difference does it make!

I just don't want to follow
some feminine hygiene product.

I gotta go.

You know, there must be a way
to work in some of these jokes...

...without being too obvious.
- He said no jokes, Alf, and he means it!

Gee, Nina, I'm starting to
see a change in you, too.

- Dex, can you hear me, buddy?
- Loud and clear, Nigel.

Uh, you want to give me some idea
of what we're talking about tonight?

You're going to have to
trust me on that one, Nige.
I haven't let you down yet, have I?

No, and now wouldn't be
a good time to start...

Nelson Mandela is a little miffed.

- I'll bet.
- Now, we're up on the bird,
and the phone lines are open.

They better be. There's a lot at stake.

All right, we're going to remote,
everyone. In 5, 4, 3, 2 and...

Good evening, world.

Tonight on Nigel Neville Live,
we'll be talking to Dr. Dexter Moyers...

America's leading authority on UFOs...

cult figure and best-selling author.

He says that tonight we're in
for a bit of a surprise, so...

stay put, won't you?

I've been thinking.
Maybe going on that...

English guy's TV program
isn't the right approach.

I could make more money in a concert tour.

You're going on TV, and it's settled!

You'll do fine, sweetie, really.

I want to talk to Melissa.
I could be making a bad career move.

Alf, now isn't really the
time to talk to Melissa.
She's... she's busy.

Dexter Moyers. There he is, folks.
Renegade test pilot, NASA scientist...

...almost walked on the moon.
How are you, buddy?

I'm great, Nigel.

I have to use the little aliens' room.

- You can't!
- I must.

- Alf, no!
- I must!

Get back here!

You know, a lot of folks at NASA...

...when the name Dexter Moyers is
mentioned, talked about sour grapes.

You once reported sighting a UFO,
and your government not only denied it...

...but made sure that you never
reported another, or so you say.

What's the real story, Dex?

The real story unfolds tonight, Nigel.

It's the culmination of all my
years of believing the existence
of extraterrestrial life.

Tonight, the truth will be known,
and I'll be vindicated...

...because now there is living proof.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it right there, Dex.

Are you telling me, that somewhere
on the face of this Earth...

...there is an actual alien?

There is an actual alien, Nigel, and
he's right here in this studio with me.

In a minute, you, and millions of
your viewers are gonna meet him.

Oh, come on, Dex!

He's from the planet Melmac,
and his name is Alf.

Well, that's pretty serious stuff, Dex,
and we'll be right back to check it out.

After the minute, folks, we'll find
out whether it's a scoop or a hoax.

So, stand by to meet Alf.

Stay put, won't you?

Please come out for Nina.

Where's the room freshener?

Alf, come out!
They are ready for you now!

Dr. Moyers...

- Dr. Moyers...
- Where's Alf?

- He's locked himself in the bathroom.
- What?
- He doesn't want to do the show.

Well, get him out of there. Knock down
the door! Do something. Bring it! Go!

Alf, come out! They're ready for you!

- I can't! My foot's stuck in the bidet.
- Please!

- Please!
- Get out of the way!

Open up, Alf!

Back off, buddy. Take a number.

They're on the air!

How's my hair?

- Sparse.
- Get out!

Well, we're back, folks,
with Dexter Moyers and Alf.

- Are you there, Dex?
- Right here, Nigel.

Well, we're all sitting on the edge
of our chairs with our breaths bated.

We're ready to meet Alf.

He's still locked in the john.

He doesn't seem to be here at the moment.

Why doesn't that surprise us?

I mean, he's here-- in the studio.
He's just not here-- beside me.

He's getting his nose powdered.

He's a little sensitive about how
big it appears on TV, you understand.

We've got to move things along, Dex.
We've got the whole world watching.

I'm sure they're getting him right now.

I don't know what's happened.

We seem to have lost our satellite feed.

Get out of there!

The show is over, Dexter.
You've been canceled.

All right, Lieutenant,
let's mop up this operation.

- And I want that alien unharmed!
- Yes, sir!

Alf, open up!
This is ri-- hey, hey, hey!

Well, folks, I said before the commercial,
it was either a scoop or a hoax...

...and, now, I guess we
know which one it was.

We'll take another commercial break...

...and when we come back,
we'll be talking with...

Get your hands off me, Airman!
Let go of me!

Relax.
These are the good times, Captain.

Enjoy the fruits of your labor.

- Rick!
- Melissa! Hey, go easy with her.
I thought we had a deal.

How about this deal, Captain...

you and your associate get to be
court-martialed. Plus, and,
I'm throwing this in as a bonus:

The alien will be dead by next week.
That good enough for you?

I knew you couldn't be trusted.

The committee should know what it
is you've been planning all along.

Yeah, what's that?

This is the requisition form for the
poison serum you ordered to kill Alf.

- What serum?
- Let me refresh your memory...

"Level 3, Biohazardous Material,
Section 12-801..."

...requested by you.
- I didn't request anything, Captain.

In fact, I think if you'll look closely,
you'll see Lieutenant Reese's signature
on that piece of paper, not mine.

See, that's what Second Lieutenants
are for... to take the fall.

Nevertheless...

...let me file that for safe-keeping.

Oh, my. Oh, dear.
Look at this. Oh, what a shame.

Well, it was a worthless
piece of paper, anyway.

Nice working with you, sir.

Sergeant!

Take him away.

You disgust me.

All right, fellas.
Once more from the top.

A one, and a two, and a kick! Kick!

Aw, come on, men! Lighten up!
It's me! Your ex-bookie.

- Welcome back.
- Thanks.

Forgive me if I don't get up.

Well, well, well. Didn't you
lead us on a merry little chase?

A delightful little chase, indeed.

- You don't seem too delighted.
- Oh, but I am!

In fact, I couldn't be happier.

See, your escape attempt will prove
to be the final nail in your coffin.

What escape attempt?
I was kidnapped.

Oh, please. We both know that Hill and
Mullican weren't acting on their own.

You manipulated their minds.
You clouded their thoughts.

I think you have me confused
with a psychic hotline.

Now, you listen to me,
you furry little freak!

When we exterminate you,
we're gonna be sending a message...

to every other extraterrestrial out there.

We will no longer be intimiated.
Not me, not my mama, not anyone.

Your mama?
Did he say his mama?

Where did that come from?

You drove my mama insane--
you and your kind.

I didn't even know your mama!

I'm sure she was a great mama.

In 48 hours, the committee will
reconvene to determine your future...

...or the lack of it,
to be more precise.

Project Alf is about to be terminated.

Not just the project, but the "Alf."

Arrivederci, baby.

Any chance of me getting a cappuccino?

Apparently not.

I can honestly say that I really
had my doubts about you, Colonel.

Oh, really? Why, sir?

Well, I always thought you
had your own personal agenda.

But obviously the whole
country owes you a huge vote...

...of confidence.
- Thank you, General.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Oh, speaking of votes.
Would you happen to know when...

...the New Hampshire primary is?
- March or April, I think. Why?

Just curious.

Come in.

- Permission to enter, sir?
- What is it, Lieutenant?

Before your committee reconvenes,
General Stone...

...I have a video tape that
you may be interested in seeing.

Look, we've seen all the video tapes
on the alien we need to see, thank you.

Alf's not in this one, sir.
You are.

What?

Allow me.

This is the requisition form for the
poison serum you ordered to kill Alf with.

- What serum?
- Let me refresh your memory...

"Level 3, Biohazardous Material,
Section 12-801..."

...requested by you.
- I didn't request anything, Captain.

In fact, if you look close, you'll
see Lieutenant Reese's signature on
that piece of paper, not mine.

See, that's what Second Lieutenants
are for... to take the fall.

But, let me file that for safe-keeping.

Permission to be excused, sir?

Permission granted.

It is the further
determination of this panel...

...that an official apology
be sent to all of you.

Suitable for framing, we hope.

- Absolutely, Alf.
- Good. I have the frames...

...$5.99 each, today only.

As far as this committee is concerned,
we will do everything possible...

to guarantee the safety and comfort...

of our Ambassador from
another galaxy, Alf.

This ambassador is
pretty high-maintenance.

We know. We've, uh, seen the food bills.

Lastly, we would like to thank
our fine, young officers...

for a job well done.

To First Lieutenant Harold Reese,
for bringing certain...
evidence to our attention.

And to Colonel Melissa Hill
and Major Rick Mullican...

for their exceptional courage
and dedication to Project Alf.

Our congratulations to all of
you on your pending promotions.

Hear that?
I'm still your superior officer.

Permission to discuss it
over dinner, Colonel?

Permission granted.

The banquet you ordered, sir.

I've taken the liberty of
having my assistant Rocket...

provide us with a little nosh.

What a mensch!

It's the least I could do
to show my appreciation.

Go ahead, Rocket Wagner.
Do your thing.

I'm in robot hell.

Popcorn, peanuts, pretzels...

Help yourselves, folks!
They're only a dollar a bag.

Well, then, if there
is no further business...

...this hearing is ad--
- Wait! Wait! Let me do it!

This hearing... is impaired!
Ha!

Give me...

- Ha, ha!
- Alf!

- What'd you jack a gavel truck?
- Give me that!

- Give-- where did you get this?

- Judge Ito.