Prince Harming (2019) - full transcript

I attract the perfect man.

My soul mate is here and now.

I attract the perfect man.

My soul mate is here and now.

I attract the perfect man.

It took you guys eight years

to complete that film?

I attract the perfect man...

I'm glad she isn't here
to hear you say that.

Besides, not everyone was born

with a silver spoon
in their mouth.



I attract the perfect man.

My soul mate is here and no...

Miss Katt,
at the height of the Cold War

you were East Ger...

Hello, home girl. It's Pedia!

Can you send him to me?

No, you come home

and pick him up yourself.

But I'm busy.

So...

so... so you are
stress eating again.

Listen,
Marina Katt's on my show today.

- What show?
- Pretzel Talk.

- Pretzel what?
- Talk!



So, what is...

So, what is it?
You're being paid at least?

- Nothing yet, but...
- I talked to Resi

at the Alpen Hotel.

They're looking
for a chamber maid.

I didn't sleep for years

under a table in a
tiny Hell's Kitchen apartment

with six roommates

and cockroaches
crawling all over me

and endured
endless hours of acting

in ghastly NYU student films

where they
cut off my head by mistake,

to go to a one-horse town

to be a fucking chambermaid!

Sorry, I got a lot on my plate.

What do you have?

You don't even have a husband.

I'm late. Gotta go.

Today is the day

Hashtag "Marina Katt
is on my show"

exclamation point.

Yep, Stanley, I'm still single.

I'd snap you up in a second

if I were ten years younger.

I wish you were...

or ten years older, Stanley.

Enzo, send her
to Trader Joe's for OJ...

it's cheaper.

Okay, cool.

What else does Marina like?

I left a list for Blanche

on the fridge. Gotta go. Bye!

It wasn't the kiss alone

that changed the frog.

It was because she looked

beneath the slime and warts

and believed she saw a prince.

So he became one.

What's...?

She's doing her on-the-run

screen writing again.

Jeez!

Jeez.

"Danke dass Sie bei unserer

Arlington Friedhof-tour

dabei waren.

Merci d'avoir participé

notre visite guidée

du cimetrière Arlington.

Got it!

- There you go.
- Thanks

Ahem.

Sixty dollars?

Sorry, Vic.

I'm sorry, Marv.

I'm supposed to get 200.
Fess up.

Would you relax?

These guys
have plenty of work for you.

My advice...

don't poke the bear!

Who's the bear? You?

No! Them!

If they're a bear,
I'm a fucking lion!

Hand it over,
or I'm gonna start talking

about the boy porn magazines
you're trying to hide

behind the speaker
which, by the way,

is a horrible place
to hide shit.

Especially
because I can see them.

And I'm sure
your wife won't be too happy

to hear about that.

We're looking
for just one more spot

to fill for
the upcoming billboard awards.

What's wrong with your arm?

No, no, it's just
shoulder tendinitis

from teaching dance.

I'll be fine
in time for the show.

We're looking
for girls who can twerk.

Oh, I can twerk.

Mmm... but there's
nothing here that says you can.

But... twerking is not hard.

Yeah, and you have to be black.

Oh!

Thanks, Vicky.

No, thank you.

And it's Victoria, by the way.

Have you heard from Marina yet?

Okay. Text me when you do.

Oh! Get the crazy glue, Blanche.

- Where?
- Top drawer.

And water.
Bottled water, from the fridge.

Okay.

- You're good?
- Yeah.

Hey, guys.

Meet my manager, Lando Cox.

He represented
Aretha Franklin's sister.

Yeah. Karolyn Franklin.

But I don't care about stars,

I make 'em right, babe?

Uh.

Oh! Victoria is shooting

her own talk show.

Oh, yeah? Who's on it?

Uh, Marina Katt.

The Olympic figure skater?

- Yeah!
- You know her?

I've still got her
Playboy issue from 1994.

Do you think you
can get her to sign it for me

I'll be right back, babe.

I'm not talking
about East Germany again.

My head is free and clear.

My head is free and clear.

My head.. Ah, forget it!

Where's Blanche with the water?

I should've fired her.

We can't afford professionals.

Why are you texting?

I put
some money on a penny stock.

It could make me
an instant millionaire.

I need you to focus.

Suggestions?

Just... don't babble.

You're gonna
stick to the point.

- I don't babble!
- Yeah!

Annoyed, reprimanded, pissy...

"Oh, for the muse of fire

that would ascend the brightest

heaven of invention!"

"Lambic pentameter"
is still babbling.

"A kingdom for a stage,

princes to act

and monarchs to behold

- the swelling scene
- Yeah?

- then should the...
- Yeah, we're down here.

Cool! Sure, sure!

All right. We're all here.

Okay.

Let's do this.

Hi, everyone.
Welcome to Pretzel Talk,

live behind the scenes.

It's show time!

Whoo-hoo!

What an honour to have you

on our show, Miss Katt!

Thank you.

Go, go, go, go!

Okay.
Say hi to your Facebook fans.

We're live streaming!

You went to school

to be a pretzel handler.

Let me explain

Pretzel Talk's format to you.

First, we do a little dance

underneath the pretzel...

Die Pretzel kommt jetzt!

...little bit of a German thing

going on,
since we're both Germanic.

Gotta have a shtick.

The joke is...

everything breaks down

in this old building.

Your heel is broken!

Oh! That's part of the theme.

So...

the buzzer is broken,

so you grab a key

to let yourself in.

Then we do
the interview in my studio

which will probably remind you

of East Germany in the 1970's.

The walls are so thin,

the Secret Police wouldn't even

have to plant a bug!

Okay.
So, this is our camera man.

Welcome to
another edition of Pretzel Talk.

I'm your host, Victoria Timm.

Today
we have a very special guest,

whom I've admired
since childhood,

even though we're the same age.

She's won three
Olympic gold medals

in figure skating. Marina Katt!

Okay.

It got stuck!

So, here is our melody,

theme song...
Feel free to move to it!

I won't do this!

Stop the pretzel!

Pull it up! Pull it up!

Cut!

Cut!

Miss Katt, tell us
about your amazing career

that evolved
from and 18-year old,

stepping out
from behind the iron curtain.

I'm gonna get fired!

I'll have to go back to school!

Miss Katt!

Miss Katt!

A real star

would've done the interview.

I blew it!

Open the package.

Open it!

Pedia never gave up,

even
after the dog bit him, right?

Yeah, he was decapitated...

Which turned out
to be to his advantage.

It made him weigh less.

And you even

sewed clothes for him...

and Pedia, the penguin was born.

The name was your idea.

Despite his giant ears

and potato nose, he...

won the Olympics
in ski jumping.

Even beating out

the great Max, the Mallard!

The man of my dreams.

I felt guilty
having Pedia beat him.

Don't worry.

So did everybody else!

Thanks for sending my things.

I love you, Mutti.

I couldn't hold
onto your junk, anyway.

They only let us

have one room.

I gotta go, Mom.

You haven't seen everything.

Mmm! Your pot?

I'm not gonna live with you!

Oh, shit!

Excuse me.

Europe is looking
better and better.

I still think Pretzel talk

has real potential.

Yeah! Two likes on Facebook.

Have you checked lately?

After the fiasco with ESPN,

who the hell is going to come

to my show?

The Marina pretzel bit

got 30 000 hits on You Tube.

You posted it? How could you!

Of course I did.
It's... It's funny...

Why does everybody let me down?

So, then how come
Max Bauer wants to see you?

- Who?
- Ahem.

He commented on the video.

Max... the Mallard?

Ahem.

- You're kidding!
- No.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

You know what?

You let me know

when you wanna sink the show.

Oh! Oh my God!
What am I gonna do?

Uhm... Ah!

Pedia!

Thank you, Pedia! Thank you!

Pedia!

- Mhwa! Thank you!
- Good bye.

Our former
Olympic ski jumping star,

Max Bauer, became
the third celebrity

to be voted off
"Gone to the Dogs".

Well, that was an interesting
learning experience

about group dynamics.

Hi, to all my fans!

After successfully finishing

round two, Bauer couldn't hold

his own among
a pack of semi-wild dogs

in the Liechtenstein outback.

He's still not here!

He's still not here!

Maybe he booked a better show.

Yeah, he's working
with a better breed of dogs.

Pissy, annoyed, frustrated!

Oh, for the muse of fire that...

Where's the fire?

Oh, my God! Hi!

- Oh, no!
- I was just goofing around.

Hi!

It's Max.

Welcome to New York.

- Welcome to Pretzel Talk...
- You're...

I... I am... Victoria.

- Victoria Tim.
- Victoria... Nice to meet you.

Yeah. Nice to meet you too.

All right, shall we start?

- Mister Bauer...
- You can call me Max.

- Max?
- Yeah.

Not only
did you win the World Cup,

you set the world's
unofficial ski jumping record

of 954 feet in Albertville,

managing to land on only one ski

after the other one came off!

Wow! Somebody
did their homework, right?

What's it like to fly

at a speed of 75 miles per hour

over an area
as large as a football field?

Oh, it's like
slow motion, shhhhh...

if everything goes well.

How do you overcome your fear?

I imagine the space below me

not as empty,
but filled with energies

and with voices, hoo...

- and spirits, right?
- That's fascinating!

Yeah.

With the same abandon

that make you hurl yourself

off 350 foot platforms,

you throw
yourself into all sorts

of celebrity odd jobs,

and everywhere fans wanna see

your famous "Tele-Max".

Oh, that! Yeah.

The trademark finish.

You execute it

with the elegance of a dancer...

after your legendary landing.

I mean, you are the dancer.

I just move around

and the people look at me,

I look back, and then they clap.

Hardly! Could you...

maybe do
your Tele-Max for us?

Oh, nobody wants to see that.

I'm sure we all would love
to see that, right folks?

- Right?
- Yeah, we wanna see it!

- You wanna see it?
- Yeah!

Okay, I'll do it.

Besides landing in
one piece of course, form is

the most important thing.

So...

God, the stocks are up big.

All right, so besides landing

in one piece, form is
the most important thing.

Watch!

And when you land
and when you bow

you must hold their attention.

Then you come up slowly...

slowly you hold, you hold...

you give them
the Pavarotti smile...

and the audience goes wild!

What an amazing
feat of strength!

The coordination!

Does this man
have any weaknesses?

My weakness is finding out

about beautiful women.

Sorry, guys,
it was a false alarm.

So, you were born

- in Liechtenstein...
- Yeah.

you speak
four languages fluently,

have trained Germany,
Switzerland and the US...

Where is home?

Home is where the heart is.

- Oh, that's totally true.
- Yeah.

A perfect way to end the show.

Thank you, Mr Mallard.

Sorry, Max...

No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait!

You can't... Excuse me!

You can't end your show

without telling the audience

- about your film!
- Yeah!

Okay!

where you can download

my movie "Tango Schmango"

or order a limited edition DVD.

Lower.

We will see you next time.

I, uh... I guess I'll just go.

I'll see you guys later.

Let's look at it.

- Wow!
- It's good.

Great job!

Capturing me from this angle,

I mean, I look fantastic.

For you.

There's a love scene
that embarrassed my mom.

I'm not uptight.

Tango Schmango.

I don't know,
I'm kind of shy, Vicky.

I don't know what to say.

And... Tango Schmango.

You all right?

Oh, here we are.

This is it.

Um... could you wait a sec?

I wanna make sure
the workers didn't leave a mess.

I only have eyes for you.

Can I help you?

Oh, uh...

Miss Timm
is coming down to meet me.

What the hell
is she doing up there?

All that noise!

It's like
living on a construction site!

It's terrible,
of course, you know.

I'll make sure
the noise stops at once.

Oh, well thank you.

Ah! Thank you again.

It keeps me up at night.

I... I can't create me art.

What is your art?

I used to be a singer,

but nothing
was really panning out.

so now I'm...

Go on.

I'm creating collages

of butterflies and... vaginas.

Sounds interesting.

What do you do?

About what?

No, I won
the World Cup in ski jump.

Now I'm a film maker.

Wow!

I think you should forget

about everything else
and just do your art.

Right?

March to the beat
of your own drum.

Katchook, katchook, katchook...

You think?

Yeah. Take risks.
Leap before you look.

Stay there.

Why?

May I?

Okay.

And... come closer.

Yeah!

So, we're on
a vacation in Mexico,

in an area
called Cuetlaxcoapan,

which means "where serpents

change their skin".

And then, without warning,

my wife kicks me out.

Why did she kick you out?

Because father
was from an old Prussian clan,

and he said
I wasn't macho enough.

And he didn't like

that I was the nurturing type!

It's great if a man
is capable of nurturing.

Exactly, right?

So I found myself alone

in the Mexican countryside.

And... I start walking

and I come to this
tiny mountain village.

It was high noon,
there was not a soul around,

and I was totally lost.

And then...

suddenly
I hear this pained "moo'.

And there was
this emaciated cow

with its ribs sticking out,

grazing
in the dry grass between cacti.

Cacti?

It's the plural of cactus.

I see something
sticking out it's rear,

and it's
the rotten corpse of a calf.

- No!
- Yes, and I mean, I...

I didn't know
what I could've done!

Right?
I mean, I felt so helpless

and the cow was doomed

and I only had my

Nordic walking poles with me.

That's horrible!

So... I take a picture.

You did?

- Ugh!
- I know.

Oh, my God!

The world around us

reflects how we feel inside.

Yeah.

Then I remember...

that I am
master of my own destiny.

The I sit down, and I...

close my eyes

and I envision
the perfect woman.

Dear God,

I pray that I may
choose my life companion

according to Thy law
of perfect soul union.

Amen.

And then...

and then I get this from you!

I mean...

This is amazing!

"I attract the perfect man."

"I attract the perfect man."

"My soul mate is here and now."

Yes, I am.

I'm sorry.

Way too early...

...but I got a plane to catch.

The early bird catches the worm.

Yeah.

They consider
too much the good luck

of the early bird.

The bad luck of the early worm.

Ooh!

Gotta go. It's late.

Oh, that's a big sack!

All right!

I got a part of you.

I'm protected.

Ooh!

Hello, my queen of tango

I look forward to hours,

days, years
and a life together,

maybe universes
we can experience together.

Ich kuesse
deine Seele, mein Schatz.

I kiss your soul, my heart.

It's so amazing!

And we didn't even have sex.

That is amazing!

What's wrong with him?

Nothing!

He really wants

to get to know me first.

He saw you with that frown tape?

No!
But he'd be impressed

that I'm not
messing up my body with Botox.

We think very much alike.

I'm sure.

It's better than a dream.

Finally, a nice wholesome guy

He has
such a strong set of teeth!

Oh, it's him! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Are you all right?

Oh!

Uh... hold on a sec, please.

Look! It's fake!

Look!

It's stuff like that

that makes me
think of you all the time.

I think of you all the time.

I just sent you a shooting star.

Did you get it?

Um...

there's a high rise building...

but I'm sure
there was a shooting star.

Ho, ho, Mischka!

That's one of my colleagues.

Bears on skis?

On double blades!

I can't wait to see you again.

I'm so horny,

I'm taking you
to bed with me right now.

Who?

It's me.

- Hello!
- Hey.

I'd like to wish you good luck

with the big ham.

Thank you,
but don't make a bid deal of it.

Especially because nobody

watched his interview, right?

Can you be a dear and grab this?

Sure.

Hmm?

Who is it?

Your soul mate!

How do I look?

Babushka!

Frau Riefenstahl,

- the filmmaker.
- No paparazzi, please!

No!

Wait, wait, wait!

Wait! Oh, my God!

What happened to your head?

I got shot out of a cannon

and landed on a bear.

Oh, it's not funny, come on.

Unfortunately,
he tore up your hat.

Is the bear still alive?

Enzo, the bear
could've mauled him to death.

Okay, well, I'm on my way.

No, no, no, I can take that.

All right,
all right, you take the trash.

It's Christmas time!

And the Ferrari
of vegetable peelers.

Thank you, I can use it.

Please speak English,

I have to acclimatise myself.

Okay.

Knives!

You cook?

Oh, yeah.

You are the nurturing type.

- Here.
- I don't have a stove, though.

My jerk of a landlord took it.

Don't worry about that,

I've got
something much better for you.

A vibrator.

I mean a dehydrator.

You're a raw foodist?

You bought a clothesline too?

Ever heard
of clothes-pin cookies?

No,
but I can't wait to find out.

You will.

- Oh, look!
- Oh!

- Let's try them on.
- Okay.

It's awesome! I love it!

I love that jacket. You wore it

on the red carpet, right?

Yeah, Giorgio
personally gifted it to me

at the height
of the Mallard mania.

Giorgio, as in Giorgio Armani?

Yeah.

How did you
get all of this through customs?

That was
the least of my problems.

They asked me
if I worked here illegally,

since I came back so soon.

What did you tell them?

I told them that...

I uh... came
to see the love of my life.

Shh... Close your eyes.

What?

Ah! Is this...

My world Championship medal.

Wow!

It looks better
on you than on me.

Mmm.

- Mmm...
- Mmm?

Do you hear that?

Hear what?

The noise.

I think
it's coming from... from there.

Uh...

Can we look?

I don't... think...

There's a big mouse!

Okay, give me the light.

Be careful!

Ah, damn!

I almost had it!

He went out
through a hole in the wall.

Oh!

Careful! It's dangerous

to inhale mouse droppings.

It's rat droppings!

Doesn't matter.

Give me a hammer and some nails.

Thank you.

A little more...

It's so great to have a man

around the house.

It's great to have
"moi" around the house.

"Moi" needs a shower! Ahh!

Look, I found a special place

for your medal.

What's that?

That...

uh... that's Pedia, the penguin.

My good luck charm
from when I was a kid.

Well, he looks familiar.

He was a ski jumper also.

Really?

Yeah.

Pedia and I
both faced challenges.

As a girl
I wasn't allowed to compete,

and Pedia's jumbo ears
slowed him down,

which
made him crash all the time.

Then one day Ken broke his foot,

Pedia jumped in
and he won Olympic gold!

Pedia did
a lot better than I did.

And he brought me

my real life Olympic champion.

You are unusual.

I was such a tomboy.

And now...

you are all woman.

My mistress ice queen.

Mmm... mistress.

You're not married, are you?

Happily divorced.

Mmm... You're my ice prince.

Anybody ever tell you

you could've been
a great skater.

All the time.

My mom, I mean, she...

she made me
take lessons, including ballet.

But she never managed to turn me

into a figure skating fruitcake.

Hey, did you know
that the Olympics...

- were fixed?
- No!

The night
before my Olympic competition...

You know, this pretty Russian,

I mean,
a Russian official told me

that it had been decided that...

I was going to be fourth,

even though I had beaten

everyone at the World's before,

including Benny Bennovitz.

And then,
the next day I ended up being...

- Fourth.
- And they claimed

I had touched the ground

ten inches before the fall line,

which was total bullshit!

That sucks!

And Benny Bennovitz

who has
Pedia's nose, he got the gold.

Up till now I was living
only for my daughters.

But when the bear

had my head in its fangs,

it came to me.

I don't want to live
another minute

without you.

May I penetrate you?

Don't be embarrassed.

I have these frown lines.

I have them too! Look...

I have a Christmas tree.

Do you have
silly dreams as well?

Like what?

I dreamed...

I was riding
an elephant all night long.

It was a small elephant.

Very intelligent.

He knew...

He knew where to go.

Oh, yeah.

Don't tough my butt.

- Don't touch my butt!
- Why?

It's sore from all the riding.

Wow!
A whole drawer all to myself!

That's all I could spare.

Right, here.

- Merci beaucoup.
- De rien.

Just let me check what...

what have we got in here.

Oh! Look!

Oh, your twins.

Mari and Kari.

Haven't seen
them in over two years.

How can you
stand being separated?

'Cause my lying crazy ass ex

threatened to tell the press

that I molested them...

just so the court would give her

every penny I owned.

But at least
my little ones are provided for.

They wonder
why I swore off marriage.

I wish we'd met ten years ago.

Me too.

We can still make up for it.

How?

We just live
ten years longer than destined.

- Right?
- Mmm.

I have something for you.

What's that?

To my soul mate?

"Dear soul mate..."

2007?

"I'm so happy
we found each other.

We are both European.

You are 5'10",
a professional dancer

or even an Olympian.

We have one to two children

and we live
on Riverside Drive..."

Wow!

It feels like we've known

each other for lifetimes.

- Is that too much?
- No.

- No?
- No.

We'll raise
our one to two children...

on Riverside Drive,

And if I have to bag groceries

at Trader Joe's...

we'll do it.

I'll do it.

My soul bows to your soul.

This really is
the Ferrari of peelers.

Max?

You like it.

Answer me.

Check out
Peter Black's camera work.

...understood? On your knees!

See how blatantly
he positions the lights?

- Mmm.
- Cool, huh?

See the
reflection in their pupils...

except those tramps
don't have your beauty

and fluidity
from years of dance.

I'm gonna make lunch.

Vicky!

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

More than okay. I...

Will you marry me?

What... did you say?

Will you...

Yes, I will!

Oh, my God!

When I get my green card,

I'll replace it
with a real diamond.

It is beautiful!

Most people don't know

the difference anyway, right?

You have a three-carat ring.

Frau Bauer.

Frau Bauer.

Yeah!

Okay, and ready... go!

Nice!

Beautiful! Okay!

Wow! In America money
lies on the street.

This brings my penny count to...

- you're funny!
- 22 cents!

For the groceries.

A penny saved...

...makes us less enslaved!

That stupid dog show

did a number on my image.

I can't believe it. Look.

"The aging
star athlete, Max, the Mallard

has been pathetically
chasing the limelight

by fighting dogs for grubs..."

That's not true. You're a vegan.

Just wait until they hear

about my success in New York.

They'll kiss my ass.

Our wedding will be a...

positive status update.

No, no, don't post anything yet.

It needs to be
carefully orchestrated.

We can have our wedding

with tabloids
and whole shebang later,

but first I wanna find a project

that shows me on the upswing.

Right? Like a...
like a reality show?

Maybe you can sell

Tupperware on the slopes

and I can come flying...

What about a modern version

of "The Frog Prince"?

- Frog prince"?
- The "Snail Princess".

A lonely guy names Hans

can't get a date.

He has literally two left feet.

The irony,
right, the world champion

with two left feet?

So, one day
a good fairy appears,

and she tells him
if he kisses a snail

despite his mollusk-phobia,

it will turn it into a princess

with two right feet.

Because
you always have to be right.

She's the right one.
It's a metaphor!

Okay, go on.

And then they go into the park,

and then there's a tractor

and it cuts off one foot each.

I'm Hans,
and who is she, who is Vicky?

It's great! Hans and Heidi...

- Right!
- It's fantastic!

The hospital switches

their feet by mistake, see,

and then they end up

with each other's foot.

Who are you?

I'm Heidi.

I'm Hans.

- Oh, my foot!
- And my foot!

Where do you live?

So, why the rude gesture?

Why I am being crude, I mean

the attachment of the new foot

causes him to have side-effects.

It makes him
want to constantly...

flip the bird!

I'm not sure

if that's gonna go over well.

We're disagreeing again.

But darling,
don't we want the audience

that disability
is not a handicap

as long as they love each other.

But flipping the bird

has truly medicinal benefits.

I mean, don't you get it?

It helps them to work through

their childhood trauma,

and... and it clears

your head of the cobwebs

that the bosses,
politicians and pundits

spin with their tired words

and useless clichés,
blah, blah, blah.

Yeah? So march...

Yeah?

...to the beat of your own drum.

Katchoonk,
katchoonk, katchoonk, katchoonk.

Leap before you look!

Dance as if
everybody is watching!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Fuck you!

Their dance of love

gets
a million hits on You Tube.

A producer
offers him a reality show.

It pays a cool million bucks.

The format is humiliating.

At first they want to take it,

but then they decide

not to sell their souls.

And then
the producers can't believe

that they
would turn down a million bucks,

right?

For the last time
they dance, they're now famous.

"Fuck you, Mozart" -dance!

And then we'll see them

driving off in his Volkswagen.

We only see Hans' middle finger

out of the sunroof.

And then...

thy live happily forever after

in her castle on the hill.

And then...

I can say "fuck you"

to the "Gone to the Dogs"
producers,

because,
guess who's top dog now?

Yeah!

I'm home!

- Hi!
- Hi, neighbour. How's it going?

You moved in with Rhoda?

No!
She has a loft in Dumbo now.

- Oh!
- Some jerk encouraged her

to become a painter.

Some "leap before you look"
kind of nonsense.

I'm sorry.

She should've stuck to singing.

I could've gotten
her on The Voice.

Well, I hope
you find someone more deserving.

Cheers.

It's me again.

How long does it take you
to come upstairs?

I ran into Lando,
our new neighbour.

I heard. Another rat showed up.

- Oh, no!
- Yeah.

The exterminator was here

and put down snap traps.
Here is the bill.

I'll take care of it.

Watch those traps.

Knowing you,
you'll step right in.

Oh, your mom's been
on Skype all day.

You're telling me now?

Hello, Mutti.

I'm leaving.

Where you going?

Uh, friends from Europe,

some art gallery thing.

Wait, I have to take
a shower first.

No, stay here,
it won't take long.

Max...

Please say hi to your
future mother-in-law?

Say hi to what?

Max proposed!

Mutti,
Max Bauer, in the flesh!

And Max... this is my mom!

Hello Ms...

Marta!

Ms. Marta.

Don't we make
a beautiful couple?

I guess, I'll put a notice in
the Liechtensteiner Volksblatt!

No don't!

Max means he needs to
establish himself first.

Isn't he established enough?

Are we good?

Indian cress.

You planted it
in your little garden,

By the swing.

Do you remember what the
neighbors boys... did?

They ripped them out!

And what did you do?

I grabbed a stick,

and threatened to beat
the crap out of them!

You were a
very gutsy little girl!

And now...

Look...!
what I snagged at Century 21!

I just talked to...

Frau Ohry, my neighbour...

I got it for $79,
but it used to be 800!

not only did her
son-in-law,

suffer a fatal
mountain climbing accident...

- You already told me that story.
- but...

her daughter...

jumped to her death from
the 5th floor with her baby.

How do you like the dress?

Frau Ohry's daughter
always acted on impulse.

For 20 years you pestered me
to get married!

And now you're marrying
some guy you don't even know!

He's not, "some guy",
he's Max Bauer!

Send me pictures of the wedding.

We'll come celebrate
in Liechtenstein,

once Max gets on his feet.

He doesn't have any money!

His ex took it.

Sounds fishy!

You just won't believe
that a huge sport's star,

would marry a nobody,
with a tiny rental apartment.

You mean,
an award-winning filmmaker,

who's taking care
of some guy who's broke?

He loves me!

You squeak when he's around!

You've been a bad, bad boy!

You've been a bad, bad boy.

You've been a bad, bad boy.

I should just punish you.

Hi honey.

- How was the gallery?
- Boring

Woof, woof!

Doggie!

You smell different!

I love you!

I love you too!

Ich liebe dich.

Ich liebe dich auch.

I have a...

present for you.

Ooh!

Surprise.

Yeah!

Oh!

That's yours!

Yeah!

You're crazy!

It's ass art!

Now it's your turn!

You're part of my...

great... new... art...

installation!

And now...

I want you to get naked.

Hm?

And get in there.

In there?

Oh yeah!

Shouldn't you be capturing
our movie footage?

First I have to nourish my soul,

like Dukchat.

Who?

The famous artist Dukchat.

You know Dukchat.

He... photographs...

15 year old girls...

in the nude.

And to make them
feel more comfortable...

he also takes his pants off.

His dick hanging out
makes them more comfortable?

He sends a message
of being unconventional.

What message gets sent
by trapping me in there?

It doesn't matter,

as long as it evokes
a feeling from the viewer!

It's awfully tight!

An artist has got to be risqué.

Otherwise,
he's just boring vanilla.

But the... deadline for Tribeca
is coming up.

You and I rise above...

bourgeois convention.

Like we did it with our...
switched-legs movie

What if I get stuck?

What does great art
come out of, huh? Trauma?

But Mozart was inspired by
birds singing.

Wagner was an egotistic maniac!

And Van Gogh
had his ear cut off!

And Frida Kahlo,

she got pierced with a 10 foot
pole through her vagina.

Trauma!

But...

if it falls
I could break my bones!

Human existence is pain.

People relate to that.

What if my dance students see
me like that...

Stop the petty shit,

and get in the box!

Here we go, okay.

Great shot.
Yeah!

Now imagine
you're locked up like you are

and bang against the window.

As hard as you can!

Right, right.
Like Jack Nicholson in "Shining"

Beautiful! It's awesome!

Okay, okay.
I'm done

Okay, just a few more.

So good.

I mean it!

Hello.

Get me out of this!

- I'm done!
- It's Max Bauer...

Yes, "the" Max Bauer.

Okay, I'm working
on an art project in New York.

Yes.

- I want to get out!
- One moment please.

- It's Liechtenstein!
- I don't give a shit!

Well then you don't want
to talk to Vaduz Films.

Uh!

Just give me
the fucking phone then!

Hello?...

Yeah...

The mayor?

Oh... Okay... that sounds great.
Okay... thank you.

Okay,
I'll talk to you then.

You see!

You open up possibilities,
and the universe opens to you!

Hello.

Hello

Wow!

Look at you!

So Victoria...

Yeah...

Today,
is your actual wedding day?

Yeah!

He's in
the limo downstairs.

- He's a famous ski-jumper!
- Okay...

We'll do this quickly then.

Great! I'm teaching
Zumba at 5:30 and Salsa at 7:00!

That is one lucky groom!

Okay...

Ready?

Slate please.

Hi, I'm Victoria Ti...
Victoria Bauer.

One sec...

For a dazzling white smile
that lasts.

Bright White toothpaste.

I didn't realize
you had an accent...

Vot do you mean
I have an akzent?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Don't we look so great!

Why marry, when jumping
in front of a train,

is faster and easier?

- Victoria and Max...
- just kidding!

May your love grow stronger
each day going forward...

not like the clown
I'm stuck with...

I'm not a clown!

Come on, give me this!

We look the way
I always dreamed.

Enzo doesn't know what
the hell he's doing!

I got something!

You're finally making
those clothes pin cookies?

I feel bad for Blanche though.

Turn that shit off.

Is this
the part where you...

Blanche ran into me!

It almost looks like you
flipped her on purpose...

It's instinct! Olympians
are trained to follow through

What do you have...
combat instincts at a wedding?

Did "you" act like
this is a wedding huh?

I waited all day
in a frickin rental car,

while you do your
obsessions!

Max, can we please enjoy
the biggest day of my life?

Of "your" life!
What about my life?

Everything is about you and
what Vicky needs!

I mean who schedules
auditions and Zumba

around their wedding huh?

We need the money!

I'll make it up to you.

You've been a
bad, bad boy!

Aren't you going
to punish me?

I should just
hand cuff you to the bed,

and ride your face!

Mercy on...

Mercy on me!

I can't do this!

No, no it was fantastic!
Just keep going!

I was a bad boy!

Here!

Boeser...
boeser... Junge!

Oh yes!

You okay?

Ja! Just do it!
Just do it!

You okay?

Yes!

Go ride me!
Come on!

Ugh!
Come on harder, hit me!

- I'm a bad boy!
- Bad, bad boy!

I'm a bad boy! Harder!

Come on go harder!

No! You really got to hit me!

I did!

No you didn't!

Okay, now it's my turn.

Sit!

Platz.

Bad girl.

You're kidding!

Can we kiss for a moment?

Hmm.

I guess not!

- Ouch!
- You and your vanilla sex!

Ow!

Ouch!

Ouch, ouch,
ouch, ouch!

Ouch!

Yeah!

Okay, that is enough, right?

Two, two more!
Two more!

Ouch.

Ready?

Ah!

Last one!

Ow!

Ow!
Look this is hurting!

Then use a safe word!

What's a safe word?

Phew!
Are you twelve?

Gosh!

That...

should make it...

easier.

Yeah, broccoli
always helps the situation.

Ow!

Um, ow!
This can't be safe!

This can't
be healthy.

Well, it could be worse.

It could...
match the color of your eyes!

My eyes are blue!

Ow! Safe word.

Get it off!

Ow!

Ow-oo!

Take it off!

Take this stuff off.

I'm taking it off!
Just relax! Come on.

Down there too!

Vanilla sex!

Ow!

This... this was interesting.

But I'm more partial
to vanilla sex...

Don't ever stop
in the middle okay!

No-one says "No"
to Max Bauer!

You prude! I can have
any woman I want!

Goodnight!

So, congratulations again,
on the production contract!

Oh yeah, all our
hard work paid off.

You must be
so proud of Victoria!

I always tell Vicky
not to talk about unlaid eggs.

He means...

don't count your chickens
before they hatch.

I... we haven't signed
the contract yet.

But they offered, right?

Right! That's why
we're celebrating!

Yaa!

Ah so...

everybody...

Thank you.

Very welcome.

Now...

comes the big surprise.

Surprise, surprise, okay.

Ready?

Set...

whew!

- What's...?

This is, Max's
great new art installation!

You should check out
the one on the wall... here.

Max has re-invented himself
as a serious artist.

Ah... ah...

Ah... Is that you?

Yeah.

Is he peeing?

I'm thinking of exhibiting in an
art gallery, maybe a museum.

All you need is connections.

Yeah, Max has always
been very daring.

That's what he was
famous for at the long hill.

Daring?

That's rather deprav...

Enzo, whatever happened
to your penny stocks?

Well uh... I invested
in some more...

Yeah! I got a stock tip for you.

Picking up pennies
off the street.

I mean, it's more
lucrative.

My penny stock's
already up by $3.68!

That's really up!

Check out Max's
"Legumes a la Bauer"!

It's all raw!

Oh it's raw?

I mean,
cooking makes food toxic, right?

Besides that I like to
maintain high vibrations

Let's go for it.

Thanks for having us over.

Yeah.
I'll go to the hands.

Mmm...

It's real good!

And...

the sprinkles of...

what are those?

That's almonds and Brazil nuts.

Thank god!

Wundernuts!

Max chopped them by hand!

With my special knife!

Wow! Thank you!

Hmm! It's really very...

creative.

Creativity is
the ski-jumping hill of my soul.

As an artist, I like to break
stifling rules and...

to achieve gobsmacking jumps!

What do you want to do here,
in terms of work?

Um...
I'm thinking of...

You could make a ton
as a ski instructor.

I'm not going to teach
the snowplough,

to snot-nosed brats right!

You remember "Eddie the Eagle"?

Uh huh.

He still earns a living
with live appearances.

I don't want anybody
to know who I am.

Okay. Well...

I don't think you have
a problem with that in New York

And besides,
you know I mean...

I have
nothing in common,

with the worst
ski-jumper in history.

I mean, who still runs around
supermarkets in a chicken suit!

He's the world champion.

Yeah, that's right!

Well uh...

What are you
thinking of doing then?

Well, I see myself,

like selling my work, to
art collectors... or museums.

Moma wouldn't be bad right?

Don't you have
connections there?

I think he means Moba?

So what's Moba?

Uh...
It's a museum of...

it's a gallery...
of unusual art.

Like what?

Like there's a...

a painting that mocks
the George Seurat painting,

that the musical
"Sunday in the Park with George"

is based on.

- Oh!
- Yeah, its, um...

this fat guy sitting
on the toilet...

and it's called
"Sunday on the pot with George".

Moba...
"Museum of bad art"

I mean, there's no need,
to beat around the bush,

I can take it.

Blanche...

you just can't
appreciate the unconventional.

Vicky...

you know. It's okay.

Because today's bad art
is tomorrow's good art!

Can't wait for tomorrow!

You know, my art
is avant-garde...

that's something small-minded,

bourgeois people wouldn't
understand.

So, Max and I
are shooting a film.

Unlaid eggs!

Boy, it's like you guys
were made for each other!

When did you know that uh...

Oh actually it's a weird story
how we ended up...

I have a weird story for you.

I was in Mexico,
in an area called,

Cuetlaxcoapan,

which means "where serpents
change their skin."

And um...

my wife the bitch,
without any warning,

just kicks me out.

And um...

I start walking on the street,

and I come to this tiny
mountain village.

It's high noon, there's
not a soul abroad...

and then I hear this pained
"mooooo"...

Max, Max, please don't

Max, please don't!

It's so sad.

Oh it's so sad! Why don't you
focus on my ass instead!

Max, I think you've
had enough to drink...

I've got a riddle
for you smart people.

A lion chases you,

how fast do you have
to run to not get eaten?

I thought you are so smart.

You have to be second slowest.

Fuck that shit man!

Are you okay?

- Yeah.
- Are you sure?

Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah, um...

he's just drunk.

Okay, okay.

Enzo showed me "Tango Shmango",
I loved it!

- You did?
- Yeah!

It's amazing.

Leave it, leave it!

If it wasn't for
his great camera work,

we would not have gotten
distribution.

Oh by the way,

Blanche turned out to be a
great camera operator herself.

Oh yeah?

Enzo's been teaching me.

That's fantastic!

Do you need any help with the
Vaduz Film contract?

Oh, I'm fine.

Max was going to help me.

May I present...

my ass, live!

- Yoohoo!
- Why don't you put pants on!

Somebody didn't do the laundry.

So ah, how'd you manage
to wangle the distribution deal?

I want to show you this.

Last time I was in
Liechtenstein,

I... uh...

was honored...
as a filmmaker by the mayor.

He's a very Catholic mayor!

Look!

Aw!

He gave me the key
to the city of Vaduz.

My mom in the front row
with tears in her eyes.

Great!

Without even
having watched the film,

he put in a good word for
"Tango Shmango" at Vaduz Film.

And then he did watch it...

He did?

That's so great.

The irony. You had to,

go to America
to get recognition in Europe!

Amazing.

The EMT's had to revive the
Catholic mayor,

after he watched
the infamous sex scene!

Huh?

Which in my opinion,
was just pure porn.

What are you talking about?

Well, after Vaduz Film got word
of the mayor's heart attack,

they canceled the deal.

I had a nice chat
with them though,

they...

cast me in...

"Dancing time in Liechtenstein"

It's the Liechtenstein version
of " Dancing with the Stars"

So now my ass on the door
doesn't look so bad huh?

You think you'll find
another distributor?

Forget about the film,

the man insults her
left and right.

He's drunk.

When he's sober
he's any different.

It's, it's very hard
for a big star,

to live in such a tiny space.

Your image on that dresser
is just...

sick!

Yeah, it kind of
creeps me out too.

He's got her doing this
crap instead of our show!

I'm forty five years old. When
am I going to have a family?

You could still have a family.

Sorry about this...
stupid!

She's always has to prove,
she can make everything work.?

Yeah, I used to call her the
"und" girl.

What's that mean?

I can do this,
und I can do that und I can...

That's not really
funny.

No, it's not.

Anyway, let's just go.

Wait!

Is that?

May I come over?

Knock, knock.

Okay.

Your babies...
are beautiful!

Your babies are beautiful,
so is your ex.

Let's get a bigger place,

so we can have our own family.

Who's going
to pay for it?

And heeere he is...

Where there's a will...

there's a way!

Please, I'm not your sex object.

You... You posted
that... your Olympic jump?

You've been
clicking this all day.

Internet presence,
is money.

Did you spend any
time editing our film?

What are you doing
to make money huh?

I don't make enough for two
people, you know that.

You've got a work permit now.

It's a temporary permit.

Then just get a temporary job!

What do you want me to get,
some idiotic job,

like a fucking janitor huh?

Of course,

I don't want you to get a job
you don't like.

When I landed my first jump,
I was eight years old.

Off the 68 foot ramp.

I heard my Dad say,
"my son..."

he said... "my son took off like
a rocket"

He knew how special you are.

When you jump far, you have to
like lean forward a lot,

for the least amount
of wind resistance,

but the current still
has to carry you.

And...

the smallest jerk
will interrupt flow of air,

and make you drop out
of the sky like a rock.

Ah!

I mean...

to fly over 50,000 spectators...

dive into a sea
of white and blue flags...

Just want to jump one more time.

Just want to jump one more time.

Okay then,

you can do it again.

Just jump.
Jump again.

I'm 50 years old

I know what
you're going through.

What do you know
what I'm going through?

You've never been a
world champion of anything.

No. I know you're the hero.

You're their hero!

I will never have kids again.

Where's Pedia?

He was right there!

Who?

When Dad went on his benders,

Pedia and I would look
at the night sky.

And tell each other fairy tales

You mean that ugly head with
the patch of clothing?

He made up for his weird looks.

With the best heart...
and kindness!

I think I threw it out cleaning.

No!

No! No! No! No!

No!

You are so stupid!

You could have spared yourself
going through the garbage

like a homeless person
looking for lint...

Look...

I got you on camera.

How about that.

Huh?

Ooh!

What are you
going to do, huh?

Fucking asshole!

You're going to be upset?
Oh poor baby!

Fuck you!

Oh yeah!
Okay! Okay.

If you hadn't run off
like a fucking loser

Shut the fuck up!!

I could have told you,
I threw it out months ago!

That's what you get,
that's what you get!

Payback time!

Get out!

You are such a drama queen!

I want you to pack your bags,
and leave!

Ya, could I talk
to Ms. Timm please.

She's where?

A silent retreat?

No message, thank you.

No!

How can this happen to me!

Goddammit!

Why are you still here?

I erased our entire movie
by mistake!

I don't care!
Get out!

Why didn't I back it up
in iCloud?

I'm a fucking idiot!

Ow! Ow! Aah!

And I'm the
drama queen!

Help!

Oh, my foot, my toe!

Oh, it hurts!
It hurts!

God!

Can you get me
some ice please.

We can re-type it.

Come here, come up.
It's okay.

It hurts.

What are you doing to yourself?

I can't believe it,
I wrecked our work

I'm so sorry, Vicky.

I'm such an asshole.

Do you still love me?

What's going on?

Vicky!

Go back inside the
apartment please.

What's going on?

I'm picking up a Mr Lando Cox.

In a bag?

No, in a piano.
Yeah in a bag.

Let me ask you
something blondie.

This guy's been dead a
month,

what... nobody noticed?

He's so young!

Not anymore.

Enjoy your life, lady.

I dreamed a demon
was chasing me...

So I fled to a church with
a beautiful mural,

of an angel
on the ceiling.

Suddenly I could fly.

I touched the
cool surface of the mural...

and kissed the angel.

He had your face.

In this light your face
looks old and wrinkly.

- What?
- Yeah...

I'm just thinking of all the
things I don't like about you.

The way you wrinkle your nose,
when you're brush your teeth.

You calling out emotional states
all the time, like...

"happy, fat, angry"!

And your stupid friends.

By the way, did you know that
Blanche has eyes like Hitler?

The white is visible
at the bottom of her eyes.

But otherwise, you're okay?

And stop telling me
your stupid dreams, okay.

Cause people like you,

need to be locked
into mental institutions.

You know,

I made up the part about
the angel having your face.

You're the demon!

Oh, I'm the demon?

I'm the demon? Really?

I will show you the demon!

I will show you
what a demon I am!

I can show you...

what a fucking
demon and devil I am!

Do you like that?

Or do you like this...?

or do you like that, huh?

Good.

The script sucked anyway.

Now leave me alone.

You think you
can reject your husband huh?

This what Mallards

do to their mates

I need to pee!

You're a liar!

My ex-wife never
had to pee in 10 years.

I teach you something
about marriage.

Okay, you have to be
honest to your spouse.

Yeah!

Oh yeah?

Then what about you and Rhoda?

What, who?

You know exactly who.

You take pictures of each
other's asses,

and that's not all, I'm sure!

That was ass sex!
That was ass art!

Ow!

I'll call the police!

I told you
not to touch me...

stay away from me!

Stop abusing me! Ow!
Ouch! You're hurting me!

Stop abusing me!

By the way, you're nuts,

If you think I'd want
to have kids with you

I mean...

my daughters are young,
beautiful and smart.

Why would I want to merge
your shit DNA with theirs huh?

I am beautiful!

Your eyes are,
too close together.

Here I can prove it.

Cut that shit out!

You're an ugly old narcissist.

Who the hell would want to have
kids with someone like you?

What did I ever do to you?

You let me down...

economically.

What the fuck?

I pay all your bills,
your rent,

phone, food,
your immigration lawyer!

Get the fuck out now!

Now you listen to me.

And listen carefully.

I'll stay here
in this fucking apartment,

till I get my permanent
green card.

Then I will divorce you!

You bought Tuscan bread again?

I mean look! Ezekiel...

why don't you remember,
Ezekiel bread?

I forgot.

You forgot because
you don't focus!

You do this, and that
and the other thing,

and you forget important stuff
like bread!

You're right,
I should focus more.

- That's right,

you should focus more.

Call me God.

I won't call you God,
but I will call you Gut.

You think that's
funny huh?

You think that's funny?

You think that's funny huh?
Huh? Huh?

Hey! What's going on?

We texted you 20 times,

you don't answer our calls,
or messages on Facebook?

I've been busy.

Why are you wearing sunglasses?

I have such a headache.

Wait, did he put his
hands on you?

I don't want to talk about it.

When are you going
to kick that fucker out?

I love him.

And I love a knife in my ass!

Listen, go to the police.

I gotta go.

Ow!

Shit!

Who is it?

Your mother-in-law!

Where is my daughter?

And a good day to you

She'll be back in a minute.

Are you sick?

No.

Why... are you
in bed at this hour?

Huh?

None of your business.

I guess someone has to...

someone...

has to be the man around here.

Uh!

Ah!

She's always punctual,
my daughter, isn't she?

Huh?

And she's not only beautiful,

but talented...

Yeah, I'm a lucky guy.

The trouble is,

her heart's too good...

For what huh?

Ah!

Your mother barged in
here and started threatening me.

Mutti!

My child!

You're teaching dance like this?

What are you doing here?

Whah.

Hah.

Enzo called

He told me what you're
been going through.

Why does everyone butt in?

Shit!

Sorry,

Do you want some tea?

Yes, thank you.

Chamomile?

Yes.

Excuse me.

Why do you let him
treat you like this?

I'm not so innocent,

I nag him.

Where is your self-respect?

Yeah.

Who did I learn from?

I didn't go through everything,

so... so... you could support
this piece of crap

I love him!

Pack your things,

you're coming with me!

My home is here!

Hmph!

He'll never look
that good again,

your Prince Harming!

Well at least he's famous.

Your father
was a star fucker!

I'm "not" a star fucker.

Max and I have
a real relationship.

Go ahead,

give up your friends,

say goodbye to me!

This is my life!

You are a slave,
to what you're afraid to loose.

Why are you afraid
to lose this... this...

Mutti!

Hi everyone,

this is the follow up to my
'pretzel talk' with Max Bauer.

Open the fucking door!

Show time!

You changed the locks?

This is...
divorce papers.

You'll sign them,
and then you'll leave.

I warned you,
don't fuck with me!

All I want you to do,
is sign them.

This better be a joke!

Where's my stuff?

Here.
Including your medal!

I'll have you arrested
for locking me out!

Oh yeah?

Are you going to sign this
or not?

I'll have you arrested
for locking me out!

Well then, you're going
to jail with me!

But I'll sue you for spousal
abuse, abandonment and rape!

Where are my knives?

You think your daughters
are going to visit you in jail?

Do you think the public wants
to hear the story I can tell?

My knives are not here!

You really think I'd be stupid
enough to let you have knives?

I... am going to kill you!

I always thought
you were somebody.

Go ahead...
prove that you're a nobody.

Haven't you done enough?

You could have had it all...
you stupid bitch!

Police!
Open the door!

Police, let me see your hands!

Don't hurt me!

Let me see your hands!
Put your hands up!

It's okay!

Turn around.

Don't hurt me!
It's not what it looks like!

Turn around! Put your
hands in the small of your back

Aah! Ouch!
I didn't do anything.

Get this guy
to bookings.

I need my lawyer,

I'm a famous Olympian.

We were rehearsing
a reality show!

Tell them Vicky!

And my grandmother
is Santa Claus!

Get him outta here!

Are you okay ma'am?

You're lucky your mother saw
you live streaming

And cut!

Good, good job!

It's good for camera.

Yeah, that was good.

Mr Bauer.

Oh you can call me Max

Max.

Not only did you win the
World Cup,

you set a world record
in ski-jumping,

for 954 feet in Albertville,

while landing on only one ski,
after the other came off!

Somebody did their homework!

I do what I can!

So, what does it feel like,

to fly at the speed of 75 mph,

over an area as large as a
football field?

Like in slow motion,
if all goes well.

How do you
overcome your fear?

Well, if you're afraid,
you shouldn't jump...

I imagine the space
below me not as empty,

but filled with energy,
voices, spirits.

Fascinating...

and everywhere you go,

your fans want to see
the famous "Tele Max"!

Oh that!

That trademark finish
you execute

with the elegance
of a dancer

after your
legendary landing!

You're the dancer.
I just move around!