Pray TV (1981) - full transcript

Harry! Harry!
You forgot your lunch.

Jimmy, you little creep!
I'm gonna tell your mother.

Watch it, you punk!

[GLASS BREAKING]

Whoa! Whoa! No!

ANNOUNCER:
Good morning.
This is station KRUD,

Channel 17 in San Poquito.

[MAN SNORING]

KRUD is
a 300 watt station,

serving your local needs
and interests.

KRUD, coming to you
from the lovely
grassland valley.



It's owned and operated
by Peebles Enterprises,

with transmitter
on top of
San Poquito High's gymnasium.

KRUD operates
with the authority
of the FCC,

under the broadcasting
code of ethics.

Throughout
the broadcast today,

portions of some shows
will be
on film and videotape.

Existing solely on your
pledges, advertising, welfare,
subscriptions, and gratuities,

KRUD offers an inexpensive,
yet comprehensive
three-minute guided tour

of our stage facilities
and control room.

Tours begin at 4:00
every Thursday

and on all through
the rest of the afternoon.

And now,
some recorded music.

Hi, Fletcher.Morning, Dwayne.

Morning, Fletch.
How you doin'?



Fine, Elmer,
how are you?

Morning, Jimmy.

[GREETING IN SPANISH]

Morning, Jimmy.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[COUGHS]

FRED: Hey, you know,
the San Poquito bank's
giving away

free 8 by 10 color photos
to all their depositors.

[EXCLAIMS]

Hi, Fletch.

Morning, Joannie.Alice.

Good morning.

Do you think
they'll take my dog?

Well, I don't know.
Does your dog
have an account there?

[LAUGHS]

Coffee black, Jack?Thanks, babe.

Coffee, Joannie?

Oh, extra sweetener?

Extra sweetener.

Oh, how verde,
how verde.

Oh!

I might use it
for my professional photo.

Do I look cheap?

Morning, Fletcher.

Oh, hi, Peggy.
Gosh, you're early today.

Yeah. I came in early
so Tony could show me
how to run the switcher.

Ah!

Gee, I would've shown you
how to run the switcher.
I made it.

I know all there is
to know about it.

Oh, yeah, Fletch,
but you're always so busy.
I hate to take up your time.

Oh, that's okay.
It's no sweat.

[LAUGHS]

I can always make
time for you, Peggy.

[ANNOUNCER OVER PA]
One minute to airtime,
everybody.

Oh, God. I told Tony
I'd get right back
with his coffee.

Okay. Well, look,
why don't you
come over tonight,

and I'll show you
all the wiring diagrams

and all the special knobs
on the special effects
generator.

And then, when...

Damn kid's crazy
as a loon.

Stand by, Jimmy.

Here we go,
in five, four,
three, two...

ANNOUNCER:
Channel 17 brings you
the news, weather and sports

with Fred Wilson
and Dr. Woode.

Good morning, all you people
out there in KRUD land.

It's Monday, April the 2nd,
and this is the local news.

"The sheriff's office
reported yesterday

"that the ongoing
investigation into
unreturned library books

"is now beginning to
take on a new
feeling of optimism."

Okay, camera one,
go in tight on his lips

and pull back
to a three-quarter choker.
Here we go.

In five, four,
three, two...

FRED: "...won a bag of
barbecued big skin chips
today at the market."

And now
for the weather.

Our resident scientist,
Dr. Woode, will give us
his predictions.

Tell us, Dr. Woode,
what's on the KRUD horizon
for this Monday, April day?

Well, Fred,
we're gonna be having
some high-shining times

here in San Poquito land.

Of course,
there's a Sig-Alert

for those trying to
get downtown to
the Sears clearance sale.

TONY:
Fletcher, the title card.

It seems like
Mrs. Elroy Miller fell
and twisted her ankle

on Third and Main.

So, an alternate route
is suggested.

That's it for news,
weather and sports.

Have a pleasant day
and stay tuned
for exercise and health,

with Jack and Joannie.

What do you mean,
why did I do that to you,
you little cretin?

ANNOUNCER:
It'sFit As A Fiddle time

with your fitness pals
Jack and Joannie.

[LAUGHS]

Good morning,
everybody.

Well, it's time
to wake up

and get the blood
glowing and flowing
in your body.

Now, the first thing to do
is to get the blood flowing
through the warm-up exercises.

Here we go again.

One and two.
And three and four.

And five, six, seven,
eight.

Excellent!

Now, let's do an exercise
that our very own Jack
invented.

It's called Toe Touches!

I like the part
where you bend over
the best.

JOANNIE:
All right, let's go.

And touch left,
two, three and four.

And right,
two, three, four.

Left toes.
One, two, three, four.

Right, two, three, four.

And bow,
two, three, four.

[LAUGHING]

Now, why don't we touch
each other's toes.

Okay?
Here we go.
And...

[SOFTLY]
Millie Peebles, please.

JOANNIE: All right.

This exercise is very good
for the upper torso.

[SPEAKING LOUDER]
Millie Peebles.

[WHISPERS] Oh, yes.
She's down the hall.

Shh!

TONY: Who is that?

No, no, last week I said
I would mail the check.

I'm doing the best I can.

Will you
give me a break?

Oh, fudge.

We're going to try a
new exercise,
Freedom of Movement.

Give me
the loan manager.

This is Millie Peebles.

No, I won't hold.

[SLAMS DOWN PHONE]

Uh, excuse me, Miss.
Could you tell me where
I could find Millie Peebles?

Huh?Marvin.

[LAUGHING]
I don't believe this.

Are you kidding me?

Marvin, you old bastard!

Look at you!

Oh, it's so good
to see you.

Oh, my gosh almighty!I don't believe it.
You look just wonderful.

You look so chic
and trim and gorgeous.

Gosh, you
look lovely as...

What, about
a 47-year-old, huh?

Yeah? Am I low?
A little low, am I?

You're funny.
Gosh, you were a talker.

You got my career further
than it ever had
any right to go.

Yeah, I did,
didn't I?

I can hardly wait
to have you meet
my son Fletcher.

You're going to
get along just swell
with him.

Did you arrange
for a staff meeting?

Yeah. Right.
In a few minutes.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Oh, listen, Marvin,
we are really in trouble.

Listen, don't you worry
your pretty little...

You know...

Don't worry about it
'cause I'm going
to take care of all that.

Old Blue Eyes
is gonna take care of it?

Blue Eyes is back, huh?
Yeah. This is great.

That's not you,
is it, huh?

[LAUGHS]
Stop that.

Huh?
You're moving better,
you know that?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Dwayne!

TONY: Fletcher!

Dwayne!

Dwayne!

Fletcher,
what is going on?

Well, that's just about
all the time
we have for today.

I hope you're all
feeling fine.
And remember to stay

fit as a fiddle!Fit as a fiddle!

ANNOUNCER:
WatchFit As A Fiddle
next time,

when we bring you another day
of health and happiness
with Jack and Joannie.

Transcripts of this show
and others
are available upon request.

Now, let's cook
with Alice Kidd in
Comidas de Ninos.

[IN SPANISH]

Gee, Alice's new hairdo
looks pretty.

Well, not exactly pretty,
perhaps more stylish.

[IN SPANISH]

[HUMMING]

[LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

Next time,
we'll be making
refried tortilla soup

for your husbands'
lunch bag.

In the meantime,
this is Alice Kidd saying,

"It will be
real good, man."
Adiós.

And we're clear.

ANNOUNCER:
Stay tuned for
Film Classics.

Today's film classic is
My Trip to Idaho,

starring your own
Fred Wilson.

No smoking on
the set, kids.

Well, howdy, howdy, howdy.
I'm Billy Bob
Joe Brown Jr.,

from Billy Bob Jr.'s
Used Construction Vehicles.

We're located
right here in San Poquito.

You know,
whether or not it's for
the wife's shopping trips,

or maybe you're
sending the kids off
to college,

or maybe you just want
a sporty second vehicle
for the whole darn family.

Why don't you come on down
and test drive
one of these beauties today.

Right here is
a 1978 Skip Loader.

Drive it for 10 days,
if you're not completely
satisfied with it,

bring it back
for a free
10-day trial exchange.

Here's a 1977
K Caterpillar.

It's only got
eight hours on it,

till I've got to sell it
as a used Cat.

[CHUCKLES]

Here's a unit crane.
It's a classic.

It's got air conditioning,
power windows and, of course,
eight-track stereo.

Easy terms
here at Billy's.

With every
construction vehicle sold,

why, we'll give you
two free tickets

to Fred Wilson's
Action News Show
on KRUD.

[CHUCKLES]
I'll see you here.

♪ We got the best
darn dump trucks

♪ And the sturdiest cranes

♪ Caterpillars, tractors
and Ford Blitz ♪

Good morning, everyone.

Oh, Alice.

Dramatic weight loss.
Dramatic.

Ah! All right!
Oh!

Peggy, study
those notes, darling.

[CLEARS THROAT]

May I have
your attention,
everybody.

Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT]

As you all know,
we've had a little
cash-flow problem lately.

Yeah, I haven't
been paid in weeks.

But we've always thought that
things would work out, right?

We have been a family
for quite a while.

But now
we are in deep shit.

The rent's
a month overdue.

The FCC licensing fee
was due last week.

Well, in other words,
at most we've got a month.

A month, that is,
providing we do
something about it.

So, in order to help,
I have asked
a dear old friend of mine,

Mr. Marvin Fleece.

Thank you.

Please, we're a little
pressed for time now.

Well, friends,

and I'm sure we'll all
become friends ultimately,

as bleak a picture
as Millie here paints,
God love her,

I just wanted to
assure you all that
it's much worse than that.

But I don't want you to
get depressed about it

because I believe
there's a solution here.

See, I've always believed
that for every drop of rain
that falls,

a little tree with grow.

And I can see
a magnificent tree

growing out of
the brambles
of this station.

How?

By giving the people
what they want.

What they need.

By giving the people

what their hearts
and their minds
are crying out for.

And that's
one simple little thing.

It's salvation.

[MOUTHING]

And when you
think about salvation,

don't you think
about religion?

Don't you think about
the Lord?

Don't you think about
God Almighty?

Well, that's what
the people of San Poquito
think about.

And California.
And the people
all across the country,

that's what they
think about.

That's what they think about,
and that's what they want.

And that's what
we're going to give 'em.

We are going to create
brand new
television programs,

and we are
going to attract
new viewers,

and praise God,
new sponsors.

We're gonna let those
other television stations

give away all the cars
they want to.

All the cars and them
crummy little Jap TV sets.

But they will never,
never compete with us.

Because we are
giving away
the word of God.

Every one of you here

is going to become
a messenger of the Lord,

and spread his word
throughout this great land.

Now, go get 'em!

Go, shorty.
There we go.

All right!
Go get 'em.

♪ Once upon a time
there was a little station

♪ Hanging at
the end of its rope

♪ Then came a man
preaching God
and the gospel

♪ Giving them
religion and hope

♪ You go to your mama
and you go to your papa

♪ Telling them
to watch and see

♪ Therefore, my darling
they took a good look

♪ At the new KGOD

♪ Hey

[ALL CHATTERING]

Hiya, partner.Hi.

Chicken? Good.Yeah.

[MAN OVER PA]
Auditioners with
your own music,

give your records or tapes
to Fletcher,
our stage manager.

Hey.Hi, Peggy.

How's it going?I'm going nuts.

It looks like
a Fellini movie here.Yeah.

Will I see you later?Uh, I'll meet you
on stage?

Okay. Elmer!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[GASPING]

Honey, put a mask. Mask.

I can't believe that.

You know what I mean?

Marvin, you're going
a little too fast for me.

Wait up for me, Marvin!

Dwayne, we're not
going to tape this,

but do you wanna power up
so that Tony can see it
on the monitor?

DWAYNE: Yeah.Hi, Marvin. Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetheart,
it's good to see you.

All right, Fletcher,
bring them on.

Tony, uh, listen.

Just go ahead and
use your own judgment,

but, you know,
if I hate 'em,
I'll cut them off myself.

[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

Good morning.
This okay, Mr. Fleece?

Anywhere you
feel comfortable.

Yeah.
It's comfortable here.

Well, here goes nothing.

Get down, sinners.

Talk to the main man.

Ask him what it is, cous.

What it be like?

Shoot blood
'cause you ain't gonna rest,
or be blessed,

or get out of this mess,
unless...

MARVIN:
Get him off.

All right,
I'll get him off.

TONY: Cut!

Now, after he had risen,
he had a vision.

Cut.

And made the decision
for circumcision.

Cut!For it was his mission,

after watching television.

Cut!

Dig this, chump.

Pray like the Methodists,
live like the pope!

Whoo!No, don't do that.

Please, stop.
Okay?

But you did like it?

It's pathetic.

You didn't like.

I hated it.

But I could do
something else.
I could do...

MARVIN:
No, don't do anything.

Can I get a ride?

MARVIN: Yeah,
give him a ride.
Get him out of here.

She's so...

[EXCLAIMS]

Excuse me.
Um, your name Is?

Freedom Sunshine.

It's, uh,
Freedom Sunshine.

Oops!

Like, I wrote this song
one incredibly fabulous,
mellow, mellow day,

chewing soybean jerky.

When I suddenly had this
incredible, like,
peyote-like flashback.

And as I watched
my dog, Granola,

like, I call him Granola
'cause he's, like, nuts,

I watched his face melt
and turn into sushi.

So, then I realized
I was on the cusp
of a whole new,

like, astrological sign.

MARVIN: Are you going to
sing the song, sweetheart?

Oh, yeah.
Well, this song happened
like this because...

Today?Today.

And tomorrow
and yesterday...

The song.
The song, I mean.
Today you're going to sing?

Oh, yeah.
And, like, I really, like,
hope you, like, like it.

MARVIN: I hope I hear it.This song is called...

Oh, you'll hear it
'cause it's called
Heaven Is Like A Commune.

Like a what?

Like a commune.

♪ I sang a tune
it was too soon

♪ You were maroon
You were a goon

♪ And heaven's like
a commune ♪

MARVIN:
Thank you, darling,
thank you.

Thank you very much.
That's, uh,

very special.
Good.

What is he doing?

That's that fellow
that was here before.

I know it is.Remember him?

Meditation.

[RELAXING MUSIC PLAYS]

Let me explain concisely
what this philosophy is.

TONY: Cut.

It is like... Cut!

You see... Cut!

You... Cut!

[SCREAMS] Cut!

Cut!

Oh, cut!

Okay, gentlemen, you are
going to be coming up within
15 minutes. Okay?

TONY: Will all you
people backstage

please check
with Peggy Williams.

Don't come onstage
till she calls your name.

Uh. Oh, gee!

Name's Hal Tramer.

And the Lord sayeth
unto his disciples,

"Giveth your first born
unto the Lord

"and be plentiful
and multiply."

But they couldn't multiply
'cause they couldn't
do simple addition yet.

So, they begot.

They begot
whenever they could.

And then to Shem,
the father of all
the children of Eber,

the brother of Japheth,

even under him
were children born.

And Eber begot Sheleph,
and Sheleph begot Obal,

and Obal begot
Sheba and Jobab.

And Jobab begot Samuel,
and Samuel begot Claude.

And Claude begot Bebe.
And Bebe begot
and forgot to begot.

And she bopped to the hop
with a bebop
doing a bibbity-bobbity-boo.

I got a boo,
I got a bob. Cut.

I got a cut. I got one cut.
Who will give me two?
I got one cut.

Cut!I got another cut.

I got two cuts.
Who will give me three?

I got two cuts.
Who will give me three?

MARVIN:
Please leave the stage.

I gotta get off the stage.
I'm going off stage once,
and I'm going off stage twice.

I'm going off stage
three times.
Gone!

I'm off the stage.

Fletcher,
Krishna Quartet.

Hi. My name
is Fletcher Peebles.

Hung Low.Hung Low.

One Key.One Key.

Don Juan.Don Juan.

Two-T.Two-T.

All right, you stand
right over here.
Thank you.

Could we have
a little light on these,
uh, gentlemen?

Uh, Mr. Fleece.
Mrs. Peebles.

MARVIN: Hi, boys.

Tony, this is
the Krishna Quartet.

Okay, do your thing.

[ALL CHANTING] Om.

[IN HARMONY] I'm John.I'm Paul.

I'm Luke.

I'm Sheldon.

♪ I love that God

♪ I like my God
he is the best around

♪ He is the tops

♪ He is the tops,
he never puts me down.

♪ If I get hit

♪ If I get hit or flattened
by a truck

♪ It's not his fault

♪ It's not his fault,
it's just my own bad luck

♪ That's why I say

♪ I like my God
he is the best around

♪ He is the tops

♪ He is the tops,
he never puts me down

♪ He is my pal

♪ Oh, oh, oh, what a pal

♪ Oh, what a pal

♪ G always spells good God

♪ Good God

Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen,
this is Channel 17,

KGOD, news,
weather and sports.

Today, the three-day exorcism
of 29-year-old Bernie Olefson
continues unabated.

We switch you now live
to Henry Flood.

[SNARLING]

Well, Fred,
the situation here
at the Olefson home

hasn't seemed to change
too noticeably.

It's been an exciting
few moments for me,
however.

[LAUGHING EVILLY]

As of this reporting,
the devil has refused
to leave.

Stating that possession
is nine-tenths of the law.

I attempted to interview
the boy's mother,
Mrs. Ernie Olefson.

And she said the boy
was probably just trying
to get attention.

[GIBBERISH]

Now, this is Henry Flood
at the home of
possessed boy, Bernie...

Olefson, you nitwit!

Olefson.
Now back to you, Fred.

Thank you, Henry.
Stay on that story.

And in sports,
the Beth Olam Hassids
creamed

the Twelfth Street
Krishna Tambourines

in a grindingly
fought battle.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Tempers flared when
the Hassids were fined for
unsportsmanlike conduct.

And now
for the weather.

Here's Cardinal Woode.

Well, tell us, Card,
what's in store
for us today?

Well, Fred,
I see heavy locusts
turning into pestilence.

A 25%
chance of vermin,

followed by
blight, and light
to moderate smog.

Well, that's it
for news, weather
and sports.

Have a pleasant day
and stay tuned
for Jump For Jesus

with Jack and Joannie,
right after
Community Bulletin Board.

And we're clear.

Peggy.

Hey, you're not
a real Cardinal.

ANNOUNCER:
Community Bulletin Board,
a KGOD public service.

Vermin followed
by blight?

Oh, Fred.
The show's changed,
but he hasn't.

Yeah.

Hey, incidentally, Fletch,
is there a manual override
on this zoom?

Oh, yeah, it's the,
um, power zoom,
which is right here.

And this is
the manual override.

[CAMERA WHIRRING]

Yeah.

Oh.

Um, Peggy.

Yeah.Um...

If you're not busy,
or if you want to,

would you like to
have dinner tonight?

Oh, sure.

Yeah?Yeah.

TONY:
Peggy, I need you here now.

Oh, I'll be
right up, Tony.
I gotta go.

I'll see you later.

Great. Yeah.Okay.

Bye.All, right. Great.
See you tonight.

Yeah.

ANNOUNCER:
It's time to
Jump For Jesus

with our bodybuilding pals,
Jack and Joannie.

[LAUGHS]

Good morning. Hi.

We're back again
with a brand new
exercise show.

Jack and I have
all new costumes

and new movements
to help your body
and your spirit.

But we still
have to warn up.

So, one and two,
and three and four,

and five and...

All right, camera one,
push in tight for a choker,

then pull back to
a three-quarter truck.

Make it ethereal.

Think of a ballet motif,
poetry in motion.

Let's warm up our spirits
with a basic meditation
exercise.

And.

[WHISPERS]
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

Again.

They're getting better.
Aren't they?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Exercises
for the spirit and body.

Marvin might be right.
People could love it.

That's all for now.

[PANTING]

We've got to roll on
and say bye-bye.Oh, Jack!

Until tomorrow,
when Jack will show you

how mincing can take
pounds off your ankles.

Remember to

jump for Jesus!Jump for Jesus!

Well, howdy, howdy, howdy.
And habla espanol.

[LAUGHING]

I'm Reverend Billy Bob
Joe Brown Jr.,

for Reverend Billy Bob
Joe Brown Jr.'s
New and Used Holy Wheels.

The largest inventory
of religious vehicles
in Southern California.

This little beauty right here
has got positive traction
power healing.

It's got prayer conditioning,
and it's been entirely
reincarnated

from its born again engine
to its resurrected body.

It's a steal at 895,

so, we charge you 995
because you don't want
to steal from the Lord,

now, do you?
[LAUGHS]

It's got
the Golden Gate doors.

It's got
the Nativity
swivel seats.

And of course,
comes with a standard
infinity guarantee.

Easy terms right here
at Reverend Billie's.

Just one-tenth
of your yearly earnings and
an option on your first born,

you drive it over
the curb.

We're easy to find,
here at Reverend Billie's.

Just take any off ramp
off any freeway,

you'll find us where
the freeways end
in San Poquito.

I'll see you here.

♪ Come on down
to Reverend Billy Bob
Joe Brown's ♪

Marvin, it's working,
it's fantastic.

All those calls,
those fans,
that advertising.

It's absolutely marvelous.

We've never had
so many phone calls.

Yeah, well, I'll tell you,
Millie, it's not bad
for daytime television,

but see, we're after
the nighttime audience,
you understand?

And that bunch
you brought in here
does not cut it at all.

We need some new faces.
Fresh blood.

♪ Jump on Hare Krishna
but don't you dare
make fun

♪ Of the one

♪ Of Jesus Christ

♪ Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ
Jesus Christ

♪ Don't you ever,
ever make fun

♪ About Jesus Christ

♪ Oh, yeah

Thank you very much.
Adiós.

Thank you, Elvin.
Thank you very much.

Good. Good.
Real down home.

What's her name?

What's her name?

I know a lot of guys.

Some are dumb,
some are wise.

But none can
make me feel
like you do.

♪ I go down on my knees

♪ Just so I can please

♪ I'd like to spend
the night with you

♪ So, let's go to my place

♪ Give me some of your grace

♪ You have got my soul
and my bod

♪ But if you want me bad

♪ You know I can be had

♪ 'Cause you're

♪ You're just a guy named God

♪ My God

Good.
Perfect, darlin'.

Yeah. You're an
interesting person.

PEGGY: Do you really have to
keep this monitor on
all night?

FLETCHER: Oh, yeah,
that's my basic
security system.

That way I can
keep an eye
on the studio.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you were
an Explorer Scout,
huh?

Yeah.
Well, I still am,
you know.

It's more or less
ceremonial now.

I don't have to wear
the uniform or anything.

Oh.

I used to be
a Girl Scout.

Oh, really?Yep.

I'll bet you were
a cheerleader, too.

Yeah. Central High,
Muncie, Indiana.

How did you know?

Well, all the prettiest girls
in my high school
were cheerleaders.

[CHUCKLES]

[CLEARS THROAT]
Excuse me.

Is that a picture of
you and your dad?

Oh, yeah.

That was taken on
my fourth birthday.

Uh, it was just
before he died.

Oh, I didn't know.
I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, it's okay.
It was a long time ago.

I don't even
really remember
who he was.

My dad died, too.

I didn't know him
very well either.

Oh.

Yeah, my parents were
real involved in
church groups and socials,

and I just kinda
stayed in the background.

Well, are you religious?

Well, not more than
anybody else, I guess.

And where I come from,
religion is just part of
the everyday life.

Oh.

I guess
once you leave there
you kinda lose it.

Well, uh, what do you think
of all this religious stuff
at the station?

Who cares?

Hello.

Yoo-hoo, Fletcher?

♪ Heavenly television KGOD

♪ Heavenly television KGOD

♪ Heavenly television KGOD

♪ Heavenly television

ANNOUNCER: This is
La Cuisine pour les Enfants,

with your cheftess,
Alice Kidd.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

No, no, no, just kidding,
it's only moi,Alice Kidd.

[CHUCKLING]

[IN FRENCH]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CONTINUES IN FRENCH]

Dooda, dooda, dey!

[LAUGHING]

Oh!

Sacrebleu!

Now, select elpickle...

And you will be
berry happy!

Voila!

[EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH]

[CRASHING]

Until next time,
bon appétit
et sayonara.

Not bad.

Yes.

Not bad at all.
I think we got some
winners here.

But I tell you.
If we're gonna bring
the word of God

out to the world,
we got to have more
religious variety,

more charisma,
and I think it's
going to be up to

you and me, Fletcher,
to pull it off.

We're gonna have to
go out there
where the people are.

We're gonna have to
find ourselves
some heavyweights.

We're gonna have to find
the religious superstars
of tomorrow, today.

Hey, I like that.

♪ Gloria! Gloria!

♪ Come on in.
You're in luck

♪ Bring the family

♪ Buck, Buck, Buck,
Buck Sunday

♪ Buck Sunday

♪ Buck Sunday

♪ Holy, holy church of God

♪ Gloria! Gloria! Gloria!

♪ Pray today

BUCK: Born again,
I say, born again.

[PEOPLE APPLAUDING]

You know,
people ask me, "Buck,

"Buck," they ask me,
"Is God dead?"

CROWD: No!

And I answer
and I say, "No.
God is not dead!

"He's in intensive care."

[AUDIENCE AGREEING]

He's sick.
He's sick and tired

of people making
flimsy excuses

not to open
their wallets for him.

CROWD:
That's right! That's right!

And he wants you
to do it today

because tomorrow you
may be dead and not able
to go to the bank.

And so, you say to me,
"Buck, Buck, Buck, Buck, Buck,

"how can I get
to God's heaven?

"Can I get to God's heaven
by doing good deeds?"

And I say, "No,
it's too easy to
do good deeds.

"That's not the way
to get to God's heaven."

The only way
to get to God's heaven

is by doing
the hardest thing
there is to do.

MAN: Right on, Buck.

The hardest thing,
there is to do

is give every single penny
you have to God!

[CHEERING]

That's what's hard!
That's what hurts!

And that's what God
wants you to do.
Hallelujah!

I like his style.

Besides, it's not even
your money.

God gave you that money
to invest in his company,
God and Son!

You don't even own
that money.

God does!
God gave you the metal
that money is made of.

And God gave you the trees
that make the paper
that money is made of.

And God

made the brain that you have
that helps you make the money,

that's made of
the metal and paper
that God made himself.

Praise God,
maker of money!

Oh, Hallelujah.
Thank you!
Thank you so very much.

You know, before we
have another message
from above,

I'd like to take this
particular time

and tell you it's
my particular pleasure

to introduce to you
a friend of mine.

And a friend of the
man on high,

Dr. John
and The Holy Moley Singers.

Praise God!

♪ Once there was a man

♪ Didn't give us any money

♪ Said he left
his checkbook at home

♪ Didn't have
any credit cards

♪ Couldn't get to the bank
on time on Saturday

You're the guys
from the little station
that want to do

the show from here?Yeah, right.

Yeah, we'd like to
do a remote.

Well, let me tell you
how it is.

I get 80%
of the gross,
65% of profits,

10 over cost
on the concessions,

and all my expenses
paid for.

Well, I tell you
the way I see it.

Now, the media exposure is
just going to be priceless
for you, you know.

Well, you know,
we both know that.

Let's just break it down
from the top.

Let's, say,
70% of
the gate up to, uh,

say up to a thou and 75
after that.

MAN:
The Holy Moley Singers!

♪ If you don't want to
end up like this guy

♪ Didn't give us any money

♪ Ended up dead

♪ What do you got to do?

Oh, and no
personal expenses.

I don't think
you heard me.

You've got to
understand something,
Buck, you got to...

You've got some
pretty expensive and
some very dangerous

personal expenses here.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You drive
a pretty hard
bargain, Fleece.

Well...

A deal?Deal.

Now, excuse me,
I gotta get back
to work.

Okay, go get them.

♪ Give me your watch
Give me your ring

♪ Give me your car,
your truck, the mortgage
on your home

♪ Hallelujah

♪ You tell 'em, Buck ♪ Hallelujah

♪ Let's take a check ♪ Hallelujah

♪ Let's take that money
and all credit cards

♪ Hallelujah

♪ Give me your stocks ♪ Hallelujah

♪ Give me your bonds...

Yes, my child?

And remember,
it's all tax deductible.

♪ I don't care if it's change,
dump it all

♪ Empty your purse,
your pockets
and your piggy banks

♪ Don't be so cheap

♪ You'll feel real good

♪ Just give it all to him
and save your soul

♪ Don't you hold out
Give every cent...

I need a check okay.
Aisle 81, over $100.
Over.

We take MasterCharge,
Visa and American Express.

♪ Go look again
You've got some more

♪ You better give it all
and hope you will be saved

♪ Give it, give it
give it, give it

♪ All that you got for him

Hallelujah!
Hallelujah, sisters!

I love you.
I love every single
one of you.

Wow, did you see
all those
collection buckets?

Yeah, that's big numbers
all right.

Boy, I guess.

What does he do
with all that money?

It goes to the Lord.

The Lord?

Sure, God can't
do it all by himself.

He can't go into
a Crocker Bank,
get a loan.

[LAUGHS]

Got to have
some helpers,
some leaders.

Leaders that
have charisma,
some kind of image.

Like...

Well, take that
place right there,
for instance.

You mean Bernie's
hamburger stand?

Yeah.
Yeah, now, if that guy
had any charisma,

if he had any
leadership, see,

he could have
parlayed that place
into a McDonald's.

Oh, yeah.
But don't you think he's
happy with what he's got?

No.

Oh.

That's what
we're doing here
at KGOD now.

We're trying to create
a McDonald's in television,
so to speak.

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]

Glad you could come,
Mr. Fleece.

How are you?
Good to see you.

Our director will
see you in the study.

Fine, good.
Oh, this is my assistant,
Fletcher.

Hi. Nice
meeting you.

Would you like to
see the service
first?

Oh, not me.
Thanks.
I'll go on in.

Why don't you go ahead
and check them out,
okay?

♪ Amen

♪ Amen, amen

♪ Amen

♪ Amen

♪ Amen, amen

♪ Amen

[MUSIC STOPS]

PREACHER:
Dearly beloved,

during silent prayer today,

I found myself
asking the Lord to
end this heat wave,

[CROWD AGREEING]

and bring in
a cold front.

But suddenly
I felt guilty.

I felt ashamed.

Because

in the discomfiture
of my own heat,

I forgot the peoples
of the world

who is suffering
more than I.

They are suffering
from starvation.

ALL: Starvation.

From degradation!

ALL: Degradation.

And constipation!

Constip...
[COUGHS]

So, I want you all
to sit back

and listen to
our next speaker.

A man who
needs no introduction.

The venerable
Reverend Willie Washington.

We are living in
a whitewashed country.

Built by the blood

and on the backs of our
black brothers and sisters.

Red blood from black people,
in a white land.

Beautiful black people
with real red blood.

Not, not,
not white people,
with black blood,

or red people
with white blood,

or blood people
with white black.

WOMAN: Amen!

But how did it
get that way?

The man!

That's the way it got,

because the white man

has confidence.

MAN: Confidence.

And how do we
get confidence?

Pride!

MAN: Pride.

Pride in the knowledge that
black is truly beautiful.

[ALL AGREEING]

Now, I want you
to repeat after me.

I am...

ALL: I am...

...someone...ALL: ...someone...

...who is...ALL: ...who is...

...who can.ALL: ...who can.

Who can?

Who can? We can.

No, you got it wrong.

ALL: No you got it wrong.

No, you don't understand.

ALL:
No, you don't understand.

No, really,
let's just start over.

ALL: No, really,
let's just start over.

I can't believe this.

ALL:
I can't believe this.

Call me a cab.

ALL: You want a cab?

♪ Now, the little station
is known throughout the nation

♪ And has a lot of ready cash ♪ They're really loaded

♪ They own a lot of property,
they own a lot of buildings

♪ And their programming
is a smash ♪ They're really cooking

♪ They are very rich
and they are very holy

♪ So, goody, goody, goody
for them ♪ Oh, goody, goody

♪ The ratings are high

♪ And the valley is low

♪ With a hallelujah

♪ Amen

Why don't you put this in
the storeroom for me, Sam?Sure.

Okay.
Boy, things are
really shaping up.

Hey, what's the deal, Fletch?
Where the hell's my bed?

What do you mean?

Well, somebody took
all my stuff from up
in the catwalk.

Well, it's probably some
new safety rule or something.

Oh, some safety rule?Yeah.

Hey, Fletcher,
what's the deal
on overtime?

Huh?Well, here's my paycheck
for last week.

Forty regular hours?

I worked my ass off
last week.

Oh, my God.FLETCHER: Yeah,
I know you did.

Well, I'll ask Marvin
about it.

I know he's trying
to keep expenses down.

I'll check into it.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure.

Why don't you just
forget it, huh, Fletch?

Yeah, you know, it's
not the same old Fletcher.
You know what I mean?

Wait a minute, you guys.
What are you talking about?

No, you put that
in my personal account.

Right.

Now, I'll take care of
the KGOD deposits
myself.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Who's there?

Fletcher.

Yeah, come on in.
Listen...

Yeah, all right.
Well, listen, I...
I better run.

Yeah, but do me
a favor though,
will you?

Will you call me on
my private line as soon as
you talk to Switzerland?

All right?

Right.

[LAUGHS] Yeah, right.
Nice talking to you, too.

Okay.
Praise God.

How you doing, Fletch?
What can I do for you?

Well, Dwayne is complaining
because he hasn't been paid
any overtime.

And Elmer is
real unhappy because

all of his stuff
has been moved
out of the catwalks.

And...

Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute, Fletcher.

You know,

the only, to me anyway,
the only real happiness
in the world is,

is doing God's work.

Well, now,
just think about Job.

When things weren't
going real good for him,
what did he do?

Did he start complaining
about overtime,

or somebody moving
his furniture around
or something?

Of course not!

We're talking about a man
with leeches on him
all over, head to toe.

Well, yeah it's,
it's not quite
the same thing.

I mean, like...No, no, I understand

things are very tough now
and everything,
but we're growing.

Well, the next thing
we're going to do
is put up a satellite.

Satellite?KGOD satellite.

We're going to
spread the word of God
all over the world.

Wow!All I ask of you,
is a little patience.

You and the crew.
Just a little patience,
that's all I ask of you.

[SIGHS] I'm sorry.Look,

we all make
jerks of ourselves
every now and then, okay?

Oh, forget about it.
Go on.

Well, wait,
there's one other thing.

A lot of people
have been wondering

where all the money
is going.

The money?

Well, see, once again,
you don't have to worry
about the money, Fletcher.

If you just understand
the underlying principles
of capital formation

and kamikaze accounting.

You see,
it's just like...

Well, take General Motors,
for instance, you know.

What do you think
they do with all
the money they make?

Go out and spend it?

No, they take the money
and they put it right back
in the corporation.

That's all we're doing here,
is just reinvesting in KGOD.

Okay?

And I'll tell you
something else,
Fletcher.

Next weekend,
you and me
are going fishing.

Fishing?Fishing.

Oh, that's great.

ANNOUNCER 1:
Bad karma.

Bad karma.

Bad karma.

When yin and yang
are separated,

you suffer from
loss of essence
and bad vibes.

But Karma Septic settles
the karma center

into perfect tranquility.

So you can enjoy life.

Why suffer now from things
you didn't even know
you did before.

ANNOUNCER 2:
Enjoy your lives.

Find the perfect oneness
and seek a higher nirvana.

Try Karma Septic.
Normal or new mint spray.

And now
we bring you another episode

in the continuing saga of,
One Life to Lose.

We find Mary and her neighbor
Sarah in the kitchen

awaiting Joseph's return
to Nazareth.

Oh, matzos.
Joseph's favorite food.

[SOBBING]

Oh, Mary, you know
Joseph loves you.

And he'll accept the child
as though it were his own.

Oh, sure, Sarah.

When he finds out
I'm pregnant...

You're what?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Excuse me, Mary,
but I've got to slaughter
a sweet baby lamb

for Seder dinner.

Joseph.

Mary, what is it?

What is so horrible
that I can't know?

I'm pregnant.

Okay, give her
a leech-ectomy,

and I'll bleed her
later, okay?

Oh, hi,
you're the 10:00
for Dr. Ramirez?

Yes. Yes.

Well, I'm Bruce,
your orderly.

I'll be doing
the preliminaries.

Okay, let's get
your ass in here.

Oh, nurse, nurse.

Could you take this ass
into the parking structure,
dear?

Thank you.

We'll validate later on.

So, you are
Mr. and Mrs. of Nazareth.

Is that right?Yes.

Oh, and you're
a carpenter.

How fortuitous.

I have this table over here
that I think
the legs are uneven.

It wobbles
quite a bit.
Could you...

Uh, just call
my office, huh?

Well, certainly,
what's your number?

Five.

I don't think I'll
forget that.

So, what's the problem?
You here to see the doctor?

Uh, no, no, no.
It's not me.
It's my wife.

Oh, nuts. Okay.
Well, let's check
the bitch out then.

Hmm.
That's normal.

Okay, sweetie,
just lift your head up
there honey.

Thank you.

[EXCLAIMS]Reflexes good.
Okay.

John!

BRUCE:
Oh, Dr. Ramirez.

Mary?

Oh!

John? Mary?

No, Joseph.

Mary!

Mary!

No, Joseph,
it isn't John.

John is the son
of my father's
uncle-in-law.

My mother?

Actually he was married
to your brother's sister...

It's your father!

Niño!

Dad!

ANNOUNCER:
Tune in next time for
One Life to Lose.

We're about 80%
in color right now.

No, I mean 80%
of the shows.

Give this to her.
It's all he gets.

Fleece here.
Praise God.

Yeah, I'll tell you, pal,
we're getting ready for
ratings week.

Uh-huh.

Wait, hold on
one second.

Fletcher,
change the PTP Club

to, yeah,
to Thursday at 7:00.

Right, right. Okay.
Praise the Lord.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Right. Okay.

Hold on one second,
will you?

Fletcher, uh, make that
Uncle God Show,

make it at Saturday,
11:00 o'clock in the morning.

Excuse me.
Yeah, Fleece here.
Praise God. Mmm-hmm.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hold...
Get the phone.
Get the phone.

Yeah. Oh, Dr. Stylus,
listen, we've run over
those figures,

now, I'm sure we can
work out some kind of a...

KGOD.

Sure.
Ad rates?

Mmm-hmm.

Okay.Oh, yes.

Daily spots are
going for two K.

Absolutely.

Uh, two thou.

$2,000.

MARVIN: Right.Yeah.

Oh, that's right.It's God's will,
you know.

Oh, thank you.
Praise the Lord.

Okay.

[SIGHS]

TONY: Two minutes
to countdown,
everyone.

Fleece here,
praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord.

Uh-huh.
You betcha.

Two thou, huh?
Praise the Lord?

You really got it
all down.

Hey, I was just
fooling around.

Hey, if you're not careful,
you're going to turn into
another Marvin Jr.

All right, everyone.
We're back.

Stand by.

Oh, Fletch,
you just can't see it,
can you?

ALL:
♪ K-G-O-D! KGOD!

ANNOUNCER: Watch for
Bowling for Buddha,
Tuesdays at 10:00.

[GUNSHOT]

ANNOUNCER:
The incredibly exciting
thrill of blessed victory.

[CROWD CHEERING]

The excruciatingly painful
agony of humiliating defeat.

KGOD Sports
spanning the globe.

Today, live, the national
finals in Ju-Jitsu.

[GRUNTING][WHISTLE BLOWS]

And later,
from the San Poquito
Roller Drome,

the first annual
Holy Roller Derby.

Tony...

All right,
talk to my agent.
We'll have lunch.

Tony!What are we doing?

The PTP Club.

Ah! [CLEARS THROAT]

ANNOUNCER: Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the PTP Club
with your host, Frank Grimace.

On tonight's show,
renowned anthropologist
Margaret Burns

brings the controversial
rope remedy,

proving Christ was hung.

[DRUM ROLL][CHEERING]

And now, your Pass the Plate
Club host, here's Frankie!

[CROWD CHEERING]Thank you.
Great to be here tonight.

Praise the Lord.

[WHISTLING]

We hope to reach deeply
into your hearts and
your pocketbooks tonight.

[RIMSHOT][LAUGHTER]

Thank you, Sidney.
Looking mighty
sharp tonight.

Sidney had a date
with a Krishna last night.

They would have gone to bed,
but she was wearing the sheet.

[LAUGHTER]

Of course, our regulars
are with us tonight.
My co-host Mohandis Hani.

Humbled with desire.

Of course, you all know
Mohandis' drinking habits.

His idea of communion
is Ripple and Beer Nuts.

[RIMSHOT][LAUGHTER]

Very good.

Stick around, we've got
a great show for you tonight,
right back after this message.

[CHEERING]

[VOCALIZING]

[IN ITALIAN ACCENT]
Oh, Jesus Christ, you wait
for your supper. Go on.

Mama, Mama,
I got the whole gang
coming over tonight.

[EXCLAIMS IN ITALIAN]
What am I gonna do with
12 hungry boys?

Oh, come on, Mama, please,
please, such a special night.
Please, Mama.

[LAUGHING] Okay.
Get out of here.

Go heal a leper,
for God's sake.

ANNOUNCER:
When Mother Mama Mary
gets in a jam,

she turns to Mother Mama
Mary's Frozen Dinners.

Six hearty entrees
from Adam's Rib to
Pestilence Pot Pie.

Jesus, look!

Mama Mary's frozen dinners,

all complete with a generous
portion of bitter herbs

smothered in Mama Mary's
hot leech gravy.

Ah, Mama, that's the best
pasta we ever had.

[LAUGHING]

Oh! That's your
last supper.

ANNOUNCER:
Try our newest entree,
manna and myrrh casserole.

Mama! Mama!
You do great. Mama![LAUGHING]

But tell me
one thing, Mama.What?

Why we talking like this?
We're Jewish.

Yeah? [LAUGHS] Yeah.[BLEEPING]

Oh, we're back.

We've been talking with
legally dead ornithologist,
Harold Chudnow.

Harold, you've done it all,
you've seen it all, and
now you're dead.

And you've been telling us
some very funny stories
about being dead.

But seriously,
what was it like

when you first told
your family about
your death?

[ELECTRONIC WHIRRING]

Oh, now that is heavy.
Praise the Lord.

Speaking of heavy,
I'd like to get on with
introducing our next guest,

convicted murderer and lifer
from Greensboro,
North Carolina,

Leroy "Born Again" Washington.

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Hi, Leroy.

Come in.
Come on in. Just relax.
It's okay.

Sit down over here.

Yes, sir. Well, Leroy,

you've murdered friends.
You've raped Girl Scouts.

You dismembered the
entire rhythm section
of the LA Philharmonic,

and wrote about how this
experience led you to God.

Now, I talked to Billy Graham,
and he said it's one
hell of a book.

Could you tell us
about how it happened?

That's the funny thing.

You know,
when they was strapping
me in the electric chair...

Uh, maybe I can tell you
better in a song.

Would you?
Praise the Lord.

[APPLAUSE]

CHORUS:
♪ Born again

♪ Ooh

♪ Born again

♪ I killed a guy,
I didn't like his face

♪ I raped a Girl Scout

♪ Didn't like the way
her cookies taste

♪ I was going to die
in the electric chair

♪ Until the one
he heard my prayer

♪ And now I'm still
alive in repair

♪ 'Cause I'm born again

CHORUS:
♪ Born again

♪ Ooh

♪ Could be a pervert
in a bus one day

♪ Or...

♪ A convicted
presidential aide

♪ If you're in trouble
and you haven't been nice

♪ Just tell 'em you believe
in Jesus Christ

♪ They won't pull the switch,
my friend

♪ When you're born again

CHORUS:
♪ Born again

♪ Ooh

♪ Born again

♪ Born again

CHORUS:
♪ Born again

♪ Ooh

[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
here's tonight's wrap-up.

Pope to appear
live in concert.

Gay San Francisco
scientologist caught
in Bermuda Triangle.

And Arabs are just
wealthy Mexicans.

Remember the first annual
Academy of Religious
Performers Award Show

right here on KGOD.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

TONY: And remember,
God works in mysterious
and often meaningless ways.

Well, I'm off,
as it were.

Adieu,Clarisse.Bye-bye.

Roxanne.Good night.

Au revoir,Mary Beth,
full of grace.
A bientot,friends.

Jack, I don't know why
you're getting stacks
and stacks of fan mail,

and I just get a few.

Fletcher, did you
or did you not have
my robe cleaned?

It's in your closet,
Your Majesty.

Ingrate.

Jack!

Hi, Peg.

What are you doing?Nothing much.

Looks like a lot.
Really, what are
you doing?

I'm just learning
new effects that
were added this week.

Oh, great, here,
I'll show you how to do it.
I know how they work.

Oh, that's okay.
Tony can show me
tomorrow.

I'm going to go
home pretty soon.

Oh, good. Um, would you
like to go out and get
something to eat?

No.

How about
a cup of coffee?

No, thanks.

Peggy, what's wrong?

Oh, I'm just tired of
all this religious
mumbo-jumbo.

Well, look at it this way,
all this religious
mumbo-jumbo

is bringing hope
to a lot of people.

And it's putting
the station on the map.

Look, I know Marvin
says that God...

You sound like
a complete idiot.
"Marvin says."

Pookaluke! Pookaluke,
where are you?
Are you up there...

Not now, Mom.

Between your mother
and Marvin, there's no
Fletcher left anymore.

No, Mom, not now.
Peggy...

Maybe there never was.

Peggy.

Oh, Mom! Are you hiding from your
mother, Pookaluke?

I'm an idiot.

ANNOUNCER: Mrs. Viola Malo,
a surgically-shortened meter
maid from Bellflower.

Elmer DeSoto, a plague-ridden
reprobate from Anaheim.

And prematurely retired
playboy, Rock Flynn,
all hoping to be...

ALL: Healed for a day!

And your host, the one,
the only handsome
healer of Hollywood,

Dr. Ben Gay.

Well, hello, everybody.

ALL: Hello, Dr. Gay!

How are you good people
feeling today, huh?

ALL: Terrible.

Oh, that's great, wonderful.
Praise the Lord.

Well, we've got a great
show for you today, gang.

But before we get down
to some serious healing,

Danny, why don't you
tell the folks at home

what the contestants
in our audience
are crying for?

ANNOUNCER: Not only will
our winning contestant
be healed for a day,

but we'll fly the winner,
their nurse, spouse
or therapist

to Nick and Ed's Dude Ranch
in bountiful Utah.

There's great food,
plenty of relaxation,
loads of exercise

in the great outdoors,
and even time for
love and romance.

Now, back to you, Dr. Ben.

Thank you, Danny.
Well, audience,
are you ready?

ALL: Yes!

Okay, Danny,
who's our first contestant?

[CLEARS THROAT] All right,
I got a cold in my nose,
I don't feel good.

Oh, I'm sure you'll
be fine, Mr. Flynn.

Oh, thank you.

They'll call for you
in a couple of minutes.Oh, thanks.

Oh, that's too bad.

Hey, the time's come.
Are you ready?

I'm ready. Okay, thank you.You're all set, boy.

Listen, I can't tell you
how much I appreciate this.

Thanks for inviting me.

Good luck. Okay?
Okay, we'll see ya.

And now, Mrs. Viola Malo.Excuse me.

Excuse me, Peg,
can I talk to you
just for a second?

Well, I've got an awful
lot of work to do now.

Well, as a matter of fact,
this is about your work,
Peggy.

You know,
ever since I got here,

I've been kinda keeping
an eye out for you
and everything,

and I just...
I just wanted to tell you

how much I appreciate
the fact that you seem
to give about 110%

on everything
you get involved in.
I think that's great.

To tell you the truth,
it kind of reminds me of
myself, and I love that.

But what I really wanted
to say to you, Peggy,
is that

I guess from the time
I first laid eyes on you,
Peggy,

I felt very,
very close to you.

You know, in a fatherly
kind of way,

and I was just thinking,

or hoping, anyway,
that you might do
something for me.

Would you...
Would you take this?

It's just a little money,
and you don't have to tell
anybody about anything,

but would you take it
and buy something you
wouldn't ordinarily buy?

You know, something very
frivolous and indulgent.
You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know
what you mean.Great.

You mean
you'd like to use me

the way you use everything
and everybody else
at this station.

Excuse me?

Like you're turning
God into a product

and religion into
a three-ring circus.

What are you doing, Peggy?I'm being frivolous.

That's money.
That's American money.

[CHUCKLES]
I'm indulging myself.

Besides, what do you care,
Marvin? This is not your
money, this is God's money.

Peggy, God's not
going to like this,
I promise you.

Well, then why don't
you go to the bank
and get him a loan?

Peggy, look,
you could have had
anything you wanted.

You could've had furs,
jewels, candy,
a little diesel Volkswagen.

Do you think that
matters to me?Whatever you wanted.

Yeah, I do think
it matters to you.

Well, then you've
forgotten John 10:9.

"Woe to you whom lay
treasure upon treasure.

"Yea, verily shall ye
be like unto swine."

How about Matthew 5:51?

"For to everyone who has,
shall more be given."

Peloponnesians 16:8.

"A rich man cannot
go through the eye
of a needle."

Euclidides.
Euclidides 6:6.

"Waste not, want not."
Huh?

The Art of Fine Cooking,
Chapter 6, recipe 5,
"Eat it!"

Well, Danny, who's our last
contestant for today?

Rock Flynn,
from Lansing, Michigan.
Come on down!

[SNEEZES]

Oh, gee.

Rock, you look like
death warmed over.

[MUFFLED] I feel terrible.
I've got this cold
in my nose.

Poor lad.Yeah.

My sinus is
constantly clogged.Oh, Rock.

I mean, drip down...
Mucous...Oh, no, really...

...just drips and
coats my uvula.Oh, no, really?

Rock, I can't take...
Would you cut to
a commercial, please?

ANNOUNCER:
A perfect American family.

Joseph Smith
and his wife, Mary.

How is our stock in
the Summa Corporation
doing, dear?

ANNOUNCER:
And wives Margaret and Delia.

Lou Ann, did you hear?

We're gonna have black
elders in the church. And wife Jeannie.

And wives Linda
and Sylvia and Julia.

And Fern and Gladys.
And Roger and Ann.

The perfect family harmony.

Until tragedy strikes.

[ALL GASP] And then what happens
to the perfect family?

Protect the perfect family.

[ANNOUNCER READING]

Don't leave life without it.

All right. Rock Flynn,
from Lansing, Michigan.

[DRUM ROLL]

Rock Flynn, do you
want to be healed?

Yes.

Do you believe that
you can be healed?Yes.

Do you believe that
I can heal you?Uh-huh.

Do you believe that for
every drop of rain...God, yes!

Then heal!

[SNIFFLING]

I... I can breathe.

I feel fantastic.
Oh, thank you,
thank you all.

ANNOUNCER: While in
San Poquito, contestants
for Healed for a Day

stay at the
Shalom Retirement
Hotel and Hospital.

Remember,"shalom"
means hello and goodbye.

Tonight's show
brought to you by
Nick and Ed's Dude Ranch.

Nick and Ed's,
where you can be dead
and still have a good time.

Promotional fees
and considerations
have been provided by...

[READING]

This has been
a KGOD/Marvin Fleece
production.

[RINGING]

OPERATOR: Peggy Williams.

Oh, uh,
she's not back yet?

No, I'm sorry, sir.
Would you like to
leave a message?

No. I've already left four.
Uh, thank you.

[SIGHS]

SCOOTER: What an opening night
here at the First Annual
Religious Performers Awards.

Here's Mohandis Hani.
Mohandis.

Nice to be here.

Hey, thanks, Mohandis.
There's Anthony Ford III.
Hey, Tony, over here.

Wait a minute, there are
the... Oh, the Hassids.

They're nominated for
Best Country Western Rock
Gospel group.

Who's that?

There he is,
the one and only
Cardinal Woode,

accompanied by his lovely
masseuse and interpreter.

Cardinal is also up
for Best Newscaster.

Let's see if we can get
a word with him. Cardinal!
Cardinal Woode.

Hey, you're looking
good tonight,
so is your friend.

Well, Card...You may kiss my ring.

I want to finish.

SCOOTER: Well, there was two
good reasons why they
should win.

And here's the man
who made it all possible,
Marvin Fleece,

President and
Program Director
of station KGOD.

Marvin? Hi, Marv, how you doing?
Good to see ya.

I'm trying to get through,
please, will you
just stand by.

Ah, Tony!Not now, not now!

Just excuse me.
I'm trying to get through.
Excuse me, sir.

Thank you, thank you.
Coming through.

♪ What you give

♪ Is what you get

♪ That's the storm reality

♪ What it is

♪ Is what you let it be

[SIGHS]

♪ Who can solve
the mystery? ♪

Well, Phil, what brought
Margaret down here?

Kids. How many kids
you got here, anyway?

Well, we got four,
you know.

Look, when Freddie says
he wants to make a deal,
he wants to make a deal.

Now, we're talking about
the real Freddie here.

Freddie says $1 million.
A half mil up front,

the next quarter in
seeking debentures.

And then the balance
in common stock...[MUTTERS]

What?Take the cigar
out of my mouth.

Yeah.

Well, you tell
Freddie this.

It's going to be
$1 million up front,
in cash.

He gets KGOD,
and the whole deal
is under the table,

you understand that?

How are you going
to do that? Don't you
have stockholders?

Don't your
board of directors...

Don't you worry about
how I do anything,
all right?

You just get him to
sign this, and I'll take
care of the rest of it.

Okay.

What about that little
production assistant?
That hot little P?

Peggy?She go...

Stuck-up little broad.
She quit on me.

Quit like a dog.
How about Martha?
She still got that limp?

[CHATTERING]

♪ Well, it's a God-given
thing

♪ And you can't go back
No, you can't go back

Oh, don't stamp
on my train,
you nitwit!

Just move over!

Good luck.

Mom, I was just
in the bathroom.
I overheard...

You are late. Do you have
your white socks on?
Where is Peggy?

Mom...I don't want to hear about
your bathroom habits,

if you don't mind.
For God's sake...

You don't understand....Marvin is going on
in a few minutes.

Straighten up.

♪ Shrivel up

♪ Praise God

[CHEERING]

Thank you. Dove.

And now,
your master of ceremonies,
Mr. Marvin Fleece.

[WHOOPING]

Thank you,
thank you very much.
So, this is the big one, huh?

[CHEERING]

Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you.

I just can't tell you how
proud I am to be hosting
this gala event tonight,

and I can assure you
I'm just as anxious to see

who the winners of our
awards are going to be
as you are,

but before we get on to those
festivities, I would like
to make an announcement.

Last night,
ladies and gentlemen,

I had a vision.

Last night,

as I was kneeling
down next to my cot
saying my prayers...

...a light came
from the heavens,

and a voice emanated
from that light.

Stop that.

Friends, that voice
happened to be the
voice of God.

[ALL GASPING]

What he was saying
to me was that...

You're a crook.Shh!

...even as hard as
I've been working all
these months at KGOD,

it has not been good enough
to implement his plan.

It's the Fleece Plan.
He's fleecing everybody.

As a result of
that revelation,

I have come to
a very personal,
very difficult decision.

I have decided to
give Station KGOD,

I'm talking about
the programs,

the name, the concept,
the whole ball of wax,

I'm going to give KGOD

to the Unified
Broadcasting Company.

What?He's lying!

He's lying!

Honey, sit down.

I make this gift
from my heart.He's lying.

There's no worldly gain
involved here. There's no
personal gain involved at all.

He's lying. He's lying.

I know this young man,
I think he may be
a little drunk.

No. I saw him in the
bathroom making a deal.

And taking money
under the table.

Listen to me.
He is selling us...

No! He is selling us
down the river.

I have proof.
This man right here...
This man.

The one leaving, right there.
Johnny, get him, that guy.

He has the contract
that proves what I'm saying.

[ALL CLAMORING]

I have it. That's it.

Elmer was right,
Dwayne was right.

We've all been
a bunch of sheep.

What do you want tonight,
Marvin?

I believed you, Marvin.
And I believed in what
you were doing.

You used us, Marvin.
You used all of us.

You used God.

Peggy warned me.
And now she's gone, Marvin.

You creep!

And you never even
took me fishing!

♪ So, KGOD lost
its FCC license

♪ When God didn't interfere

♪ And all that was left
was the shell of a station

♪ And so little
cause for tears ♪

[CLATTERING]

♪ I guess I thought
that there would be

♪ One big happy ending

♪ But now I know

♪ That I was just naive

[VOCALIZING]

Peggy?Oh, Fletcher.

Are you going somewhere?Not anymore.

Oh, Peg.

I know all about it.
You were wonderful.

Oh, yeah.
Look where it got us.

Well, we can start again.

Sure. Just the two of us?

Shoot. I guess I don't
count around here anymore.

Jimmy!Oh!

I'm glad you're here.

You knew I'd come back.

Fletcher, can you use
a cracker jack cameraman?

Dwayne.[THANKING IN FRENCH]

Alice. Elmer!

Fletcher, can you
take back a couple
of dummies?

FLETCHER:
Oh, Fred! Jack! Joannie!

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Fletcher.

Pookaluke...
Oh, I mean, Fletcher.

We're very sorry,
and Marvin has
something to say.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Fletcher, uh...

I think it takes
a pretty big man to admit
when he's wrong.

But... That's what
I'm doing.

I was wrong.

I made a couple
of mistakes, and, uh...

Now we all got nothin'.

Yeah! What are we gonna do?

Fletcher...Wait a minute, don't panic.

♪ Maybe we don't have a lot

♪ But let's be thankful
for what we've got

ALL: What have we got?

We've got, uh...

♪ Happy ending
and that's all that we need

Okay, Jack and Joannie,
get the candelabra.

Jimmy, show Marvin
how to sweep. Dwayne,
get the medicine ball.

Elmer, get the lights.
Fred, turn on
the microphones.

♪ We've got each other
so let's put on a grin

♪ Get in the spirit
Come on, lift up your chin

♪ No more envy, anger,
lying or greed

♪ We've got a happy ending
and that's all that we need

♪ We've got a happy ending

♪ Got a happy ending

♪ Got a happy ending
and that's all that we need

♪ We've got a happy ending,
happy ending

♪ Happy ending
and that's all that we need

♪ Happy ending,
happy ending

♪ Happy ending
and that's all

♪ All that you

♪ Need

♪ Come on in.
You're in luck

♪ Bring the family

♪ Buck, Buck, Buck,
Buck Sunday

♪ Buck Sunday

♪ Buck Sunday

♪ Holy, holy church of God

♪ So one day he walked

♪ Across that street

♪ Foot of God came down

♪ Tripped and made him stumble

♪ Amen!

♪ Fall in front of a truck,
made him die

♪ In the emergency room

MAN: The Holy Moley Singers,
ladies and gentlemen.

♪ If you don't want to
end up like this guy

♪ Didn't give us any money
Ended up dead

♪ What do you do, do, do?

♪ What do you do, do, do?

♪ What do you do, do, do?

♪ I don't care if it's change,
dump it all

♪ Empty your purse,
your pockets
and your piggy banks

♪ Don't be so cheap
You'll feel real good

♪ Just give it all to him
and save your soul

♪ Don't you hold out
Give every cent...

♪ You know the more you sow
the more you're gonna reap

BUCK: We take MasterCharge,
Visa and American Express.

♪ Go look again
You've got some more

♪ You better give it all
and hope you will be saved

♪ Give it, give it
give it, give it

♪ All that you got for him

BUCK: Hallelujah!
Hallelujah, sisters!

I love you.
I love every single
one of you.

God bless you.
God bless you.