Potato Salad (2015) - full transcript
When a deadly zombie virus infects a school in Germany it remains on the student Leo to save the world.
This film is based on a true salad.
In respect to all survivors,
some ingredients have been changed.
Please!
Hey! The phone's ringing! Quiet!
- Don't worry. We'll carry on in a second.
- No problem.
Thank you.
Answer, for Heaven's sake, please!
9-1-1, what's your emergency, hello?
Hello?!
Don't be scared, I'm there! The police!
Protecting and serving you!
Hey, I can hear footsteps!
Don't you want to talk?!
Running away doesn't solve anything!
I guess it wasn't that important.
POTATO SALAD
DON'T ASK!
ONE WEEK BEFORE THE OUTBREAK
Hang on there, son. Gotta get big and strong.
There's breakfast at school today!
- There! That's taken care of.
- Mom!
- Enjoy school.
- Don't screw up, or you cook this weekend.
Good luck.
Good morning, Leo!
Hello, Leo!
Dear students, the driver of
the private jet licensed HEIDE - HH 08 15
please contact the valet
parking service immediately. Thank you!
A...
- A-minus...
- Oh my God, oh my god, no!
- Oh man, if they did that bad...
- B...
I think I screwed up badly this time.
You say that every time and
then end up with an A or B!
Meike, an A...
- Leo, an A...
- What?!
Leo Hinrichs!
You the A, and you the F.
Almost surprised me there.
Keep in mind, folks,
nobody remembers who comes second.
What's that in your face?
- Yes, there.
- Oh, that's gotta be my mom.
So, we're now moving
on from "the evolution of mankind" to...
- ...sex education.
- We already had that in 7th grade!
Well, things have changed. When you were in
7th grade, only men and women could have...
...intercourse.
But nowadays it's legit for
women with women, men with men...
- Penis.
- Two women with one man...
- Penis.
- Three men with... one sheep...
Penis.
Whatever. Now I’m sure you're
wondering how that's supposed to work,
if you've got just two trains and no station,
or two stations but no train.
- I'll explain it to you with an example.
- Penis.
Let's say this is a station,
and this is a train.
That is a train.
If the train were to
enter the station with a rubber coat,
- theoretically no passengers could get out.
- Penis.
So let's say a whole swarm of people
is to be ejaculated... ejected at the station.
The train must carefully enter
the station, back and forth, forth and back,
until all passengers have left the train.
Then, after a little rest,
the train can go visit other stations.
I don't get it.
Penis!
Take your seats.
No shit.
Uh, Mrs. Bauer won't make it to class today.
Unfortunately she choked on a gigantic...
PENIS!
Exactly.
Leo, in my office.
- Thank you, Mrs. Stamm.
- You're welcome, sir.
Mrs. Knows, Mr. Knows,
I know we've met here often,
and you know I've been running
this showpiece school for 17 years now.
But such a non-showpiece student,
as your Leo clearly is, overwhelms me.
Our flag motto is that
"we get all students right".
Nobody just gets dropped from our school.
And we take our pride in that.
But a case like Leo
makes Einstein roll over in his grave.
His grades clearly show
that Leo Knows... nothing!
And his social behaviour makes one blush.
I'd like to mention that Leo wasn't
the only one to say the P-word in class.
I know, Mrs. Knows, but last week Leo uttered
many F-words, H-words and even B-words!
- B-words?
- Bagpipe-face.
Oh, Lord.
Proper steps must be taken, Leo must
repeat 10th grade. In a new class he can--
That's no option! My son will graduate
in 3 years and become a chemist, like me.
I know, Mrs. Knows, Mr. Knows,
at first it sounds like no good, again--
No good?! No Gouda at all!
You know my son has ADD!
ADHD in fact! That's even worse than ADD!
Well, if that's the case,
I'm forced to convene a school conference.
Because my son shouted the P-word in class?!
It's not about the stupid P-word!
Leo's a loser! A shame to our lovely school!
But I'm not gonna be the one to kick him out!
That would destroy my image.
- Hey! Nobody insults my son but me, got it?
- Right, dude.
Walter, Leo, we're leaving.
- Leo, you're changing schools.
- But I...
This decision is your fault alone.
DRIVE AWAY
Done.
Dear students, there's good news!
Leo Knows is leaving the school today!
May I... reach over a second... Thanks.
Wasn't it supposed to be pizza for dinner?
- Leo, I put you in the Hebbel School.
- OK.
And tomorrow's your first day.
Tomorrow?!
Leo, we're not doing this to spite you.
Try to look at it as a new start.
We never saw you bring friends home,
or go to a party at night.
Not to mention your grades.
And if they stay that way in the
new school, we're cutting you from acrobatics.
- What?!
- What are we to do, Leo? We tried everything!
Horseback therapy, swimming with dolphins,
elephant-hunting in South Africa,
whaling at the Japanese coast,
and none of all that helped!
You both think I'm a total loser, right?
Oh, Leo. We just want--
No, it's OK. I got it, thanks!
I mean, I knew that
Dad thought that of me, but now you...
Did it ever cross your mind
that it could also be your fault?!
If you keep treating me like a loser,
what am I to learn but, "OK, I'm a loser"?!
Fuck it, I'll have the last laugh!
At the new school, I'm gonna be the hero!
The womanizer, the guy everybody likes!
And not the damn stumblebum!
OK, here we go.
Stay cool, Leo.
Dad, can you drive me to school?
Thanks, Dad. I'll sure make new friends
showing up here on my cool ladies' bike.
Well, I hope at least
the teachers are a bit nicer here.
Cool hunk of junk, dude!
Uh, dear students, a little announcement
personally from principal Roos:
"If you don't show up in class,
neither will I! Eat me!"
Oh man, I'm know not a soul.
If only I knew just one person here...
Forget it. Remember the mission.
Keep cool, don't screw up.
Don't stumble, don't say anything stupid.
If somebody talks to you, just be friendly.
Excuse me?
FUCK OFF!
Uh, sorry, I didn't mean that.
Today's my first day,
and I'm totally nervous. My name is Leo.
Katrin. Yeah.
Our spring ball's at Wednesday.
Charity event for the Catholic ice rink.
And by the way,
everybody has to bring a snack there.
Cool. Hey, wait. Can you tell me
where to find the secretary's office?
Go into the building,
down the hall, last door to the right.
And sorry, I really didn't mean that.
It's OK. By the way, ask for Mrs. Martens.
If Mrs. Wilkens is there... run!
MRS. WILKENS
Uh, I'm looking for Mrs. Martens.
Mrs. Martens is sick today.
You'll have to put up with me.
OK, I just wanted to know
which class to go to. I'm Leo Knows, the--
The kid who changed schools
hoping things will get better here. I know.
First I'll need your ID and criminal record.
I didn't know I'd have to bring that.
And how am I to know you're Leo Knows?
Well, maybe you're
someone who likes to drown kittens.
We don't want students
on this school who drown kittens.
Do you drown kittens, Leo?
Ah, good morning,
Mrs. Wilkens. How are you today?
Oh, thank you. Such lovely weather.
You must be Leo Knows, the kid who changed
schools hoping things will get better here.
Yes, my mother registered me yesterday, and
this lady wants my criminal record and ID.
Mrs. Wilkens, couldn't you
resist teasing our new student?
- You know me.
- Mrs. Wilkens, Mrs. Wilkens.
You don't drown kittens, do you?
New class for this one, please.
The bullies from Mr. Donau's class showed
once again where you don't want to end up...
In Mr. Donau's class.
He drowns kittens, Leo.
Bring him to a new class.
We'll clear his seat for someone else.
We could give it to Leo here, right?
- Is that really necessary?
- No.
- Could I get another class?
- Yes.
- But you won't let me, right?
- No.
- Pity.
- Yes.
So, my motto of the day is:
"A good fart is better than bad music."
You guys gotta remember that one,
it always comes in handy.
And now I have some super news for you.
And I'm gonna give you a little hint...
Leonardo Not DiCaprio...
Leo-Nerdo Ladies' Bike!
I don't want to keep you in suspense
any longer. So pay attention now...
May I have a round
of applause for our new student?
The one and only Leo!
Here he is. The Leo.
Katrin! Hey, it's me!
The guy from the schoolyard!
Katrin? Katrin, it's me!
Looks like somebody found his girl, huh?
Leonardo Not DaVinci...
Leonardo There-Sits-She!
Leo, how about
you introduce yourself to the class?
Well, I'm Leo.
I used to go to Elite High School--
And in the other school,
your peers were all mean to you, right?
Well, yes, but
you don't have to say it like that...
Who gives a fuck? But I don't want any of you
rubbing it in that they were so mean to Leo.
No. I want you to receive Leo as kindly
as Andi, who came to our school last week.
And now we just gotta find a seat for you...
Could I... Next to Katrin maybe...?
Next to Katrin...?
Nah, nah, nah, go sit next to Andi.
Next to Andi. Shake a leg.
Of course this had to happen!
Now I have to sit next to the loser Andi.
His loserliness will
automatically be transferred to me!
Well, let's wait and see.
To the spring ball,
you all must bring food and drinks.
Hey. Andi.
No, Leo. But never mind.
So what's in the next period?
Sports.
So, all ladies who cannot participate
due to their periods, please go sit over there.
What are periods?
Math, physics, sports...
And now we're gonna do some acrobatics.
Aw, not acrobatics again!
So lame. Acrobatics, so lame.
Cool! Cool! I'm good at that! Cool!
Chemistry, history...
Kids, kids, back then in 2014
when I was European champion in acrobatics
female hearts just kept flying my way.
So, everybody over to the mat,
and we'll start with a simple roll. Chop-chop!
Lame, lame, lame...
Whattaya mean,
Cheyenne Club's closed today?!
Dude, you swore me we'd go there today!
That guy's so goblin!
He can't do it!
Kids, kids, kids, what a bunch
of dummies! I can't watch any longer!
You crossed the line, boy! It’s over!
What, you're proposing?!
Omigod, girls! My boyfriend proposed to me!
Kids, kids, isn't that romantic?
Romance is one of the
most important things ever, I must say.
Hi.
That rocked, your...
I'm Torsten.
- That's... Torben.
- Hi, I'm Torben.
Hi. You're not like
the coolest dudes in this school, are you?
Yes!
We're anything but cool!
We don't smoke,
we don't drink, or listen to hip-hop, yo!
We're called Torsten and Torben,
that says it all, doesn't it?
Yeah, all names that start with "Tor" suck!
Yes, that's true, uh...
You're new here, right?
Yeah. Sorry, what's with the gas mask, dude?
I'm an allergy sufferer.
I got pretty much every allergy there is.
Torben's even allergic to his allergies.
Yes. When I get hay fever and wet eyes,
my ears react and I get a soar throat.
OK, what does the school doctor say?
Fuck me, Torben!
Never seen anything like this!
You just have it all!
Can't even have sex!
Your skin's allergic to women's juice!
Your pecker would just...
- So what should I do?
- If I were you...
I'd kill myself!
Chicks love it. He has a new one every day!
Of course nobody admits to
having sex with a loser, but it's true.
One time I forgot, and during
fellatio I almost choked on my tongue!
Yeah, OK but... Who's that girl Perle?
Shouldn't you be in class?
What, you sneak into the toilet?
Aw, you're so cut! See you in the break!
God. Don't tell me you got your eye on her.
No, no,
I just think there's something about her.
There's something on you.
Yeah. It's called loose screws.
Trust me, she won't make you happy.
So who thinks I banged
my boyfriend 3 times in a train?
Uh, I think maybe 2 or 2.5 or so?
No, man! Wrong, 5 times!
That's what I call discipline!
You should follow her example!
She's such a role model!
I only had sex twice in the locker room.
What?!
Locker room is so 2014! Go to the retros!
TWO NIGHTS BEFORE THE OUTBREAK
Dear students, for your information,
kittens are not meant for drowning.
And now enjoy some Eko Fresh.
- So, Leo a Nutella bun.
- Thanks.
And Torben a bowl of dry rice
without additives or preservatives.
Thank you.
You know, I think I'll just go talk to her.
- What? Who?
- Perle.
I swear, I totally got
armpit terror, it's gotten so damn warm!
Let's go get sunbed-toasted later, yeah?
My doc said not to go
so often because of the dangerous TV rays.
What, you wanna go with a bang?
I don't now.
Good. Because first,
this woman is insanely evil,
She's a woman.
And second, she just got proposed to
by the school's macho. Are you suicidal?!
I just think she's interesting!
Vaginal mycosis is interesting,
too, but that doesn't make me want it.
Why do you know about vaginal mycosis?
- My mom told me about it.
- And why do you talk with her about that?!
- I have a good relationship with my mom.
- Yes, but not with her vagina!
Boys!
I'm going to talk to her now, OK?!
Have some of this! It smells good!
Thank you!
Leo!
When you're on the floor, don't defend
yourself, then they might think you're dead.
Wish me luck.
Uh, Leo, you got--
Immortality status already, I know.
Leo Knows!
Dear students, it's beef today! 1.99!
Hello!
I'm Leo, and, uh...
I think you girls rock!
Yo, Perle, did he just insult your mamma?!
I... No, no, I just wanted to...
I think I'd rather go now.
Now you're fucked,
my friend! Now you're fucked!
Now you're gonna get fucked, my friend!
Anally!
Who the hell are you?
Dear Lord, keep his suffering short!
Leo. And you?
Helmut.
Could you repeat that out loud for everyone?
Helmut!
Alright, he's as good as dead,
I'll delete him on Facebook.
Did you just harass my girl?!
No, no, really, I just said hello!
You insulted her mamma?!
What?! No, what's your guys'--
Nobody... Listen up...
Nobody insults my mamma's girlfriend!
You mean your... girlfriend's mamma, right?
I'm telling you! Hard!
Dude! Man!
Prepare to die!
- What's he doing?!
- He's doing the nipple twister!
Oh, no! His still just a child!
OK! Defibrillator!
Wonderful, thank you, thank you!
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE OUTBREAK
DRIVE AWAY
THE SPRING BALL
Great!
I bailed on "Starcraft 2" for this!
Seriously, dude,
your girlfriend's such a horse-face!
That's enough! Cindy, we're leaving!
That's so rude! So rude!
Hey! Sorry, this pork hedgehog took me ages!
You bring a pork hedgehog to a spring ball?!
Torben, dead water?
Yes, please.
Is this yours?
Oh, uh, thanks.
You wanna stink? I mean, you wanna drink?
Yeah, yeah, a Mamma-Babbel!
- Here.
- Thanks. Cool here, isn't it?
Yeah, uh... Really cool...
Really jiggy!
Don't you want anything?!
Uh, yes, uh... I'll take...
Omigod, that's not available in stores yet!
- "Nerdcraft 3", dude!
- Limited edition!
I'll have some of the punch.
- Cool. Here's to us.
- Here's to me.
You know, yesterday I went
tattoo studio, although my mom said no,
but I said, "Fuck you,
mom, what do you want, I'm 15!"
I'm an adult woman, I got my
driver's license at Legoland when I was 9!
Who cares? I was always premature!
Anyway, I secretly go my tattoo
sketched out, you wanna see it?
Yeah, yeah, sure!
LEO IS A LOSER
Ha, girls, check out his face!
Hey, we gotta post that
on Facebook and Lovoo... #LeoIsALoser
THE DAY OF THE OUTBREAK
Uh... Dear students...
What was I gonna say...?
Whoa, I could so eat chocolate pudding now...
NATIONAL ASSHOLES
NATIONAL MEGA-ASSHOLE-SHITHEADS
OK.
I'm done.
THE WORLD'S
10 MOST SPECTACULAR ALLERGIES
Me too.
SHIT, MY ONLY FRIENDS ARE 2 NERDS
Yeah, that should be all for me, too.
Dude, what's going on?
Dude!
Let's scram, get your shit!
Bro...
I feel so dizzy.
Plus, I'm so damn hungry, and...
...and all I see is white.
Yes, your eyes do look quite milky.
Then let's open up
that cakehole and see your tongue.
Fuck!
Son...
I'll never get this out!
I can't recall ever being
in school so long in the afternoon.
D'you guys hear that Helmut pulled
a fifth-grader up the flagpole in the break?
Really?
Nah, I just made that up.
That's not OK, Torben,
just to feel important by telling tall tales.
Excuse me, I just noticed
things started to get boring, Torsten.
So I figured I'd tell a story.
A made-up story, Torben!
Little Red Riding Hood is also a made-up
story, and still everybody loves it, Torsten!
In Little Red Riding Hood, an innocent
old lady gets mauled by a predator!
- I doubt that kind of story--
- Boys, boys, boys!
Come here!
Is this normal in your school?
What's wrong with them?
Maybe graduation pranks?
Oh my God!
Something terrible
has happened! It can't be stopped!
Save yourselves while you can!
My scrub! My scrub!
OK boys,
no matter what happens now, let's not panic!
He eats brooms! Run!
Freeze!
- I got a gun!
- What the hell are you doing?!
We don't know if she's
infested like the others! Torben?
Yes?
Go to the door
and tell us when the coast is clear!
OK.
Good. Now you put down
that sandwich very slowly, OK?
Very good.
And now turn around slowly.
I'm going to put away my gun.
Omigod, she's infested, too! Kill her!
Leo, she's just not wearing make-up today!
What's gotten into you to scare me
like that?! I thought you were running amok!
- You won't prefer the truth!
- I can't wait to hear it!
- Well, the students turned into--
- Don't say the Z-word!
My father always told me
to just call things as they are. Katrin...
The janitor ate his broom.
OK boys, that sounds exciting, but
my essay is giving me a little more trouble.
So if you don't mind, I'd appreciate
you just not talking to me now, OK?
Good, then just stay there, keep away
from the door and just... hold your beak!
Leo, we gotta get out of here!
Did you forget?! The door's blocked by a
rabid crowd and a broom-eating janitor!
Why are you speaking through your teeth?
That's to emphasize the pickle we're in!
Who's got a phone?
Call the police!
- Fuck!
- Fornicate!
You're both right!
Quiet.
Things seem to be calming down.
Where the hell are you?
I'm calling the fourth time now,
and still nobody's come yet!
Hello? Hello?!
I'm going on strike today, lemme through!
Strike!
Come on, let's go! Past these corpses!
This way!
Omigod! I gotta get out!
Hey people, just so you know...
Mrs. Wilkens is fired!
Finally! You must shut down the school now!
The kids all got some
strange disease and are acting like, like...
Like zombies!
With some gastric flu! It's a total nightmare!
Let's keep it short and painless.
How much dope have you been smoking?
I haven't been smoking, for Heaven's sake!
Get the healthy kids out,
and shut down that building!
Why, I'm not liking that tone of yours!
You can be happy we came
at all! Actually, this was our lunch break!
Well, go in there, and convince yourself!
Egon!
Yessir?
Drug test for this potato-head here,
I'm gonna get my own picture of this!
Yes, commissioner!
Well, then. Whoa, strong biceps!
Yes, I'm a Van Damme fan.
All the better. You're just gonna feel
a little prick, nothing to worry about...
Man! I could swear I heard sirens out there!
Thank God, then we'll be outta here soon.
Do you mind?
That's a long wiener you got there.
Commissioner?
Question. Just a question.
Shouldn't we have a look into the school?
That's just some gastroenteritis
spooking around, it'll pass in a few days.
Just wait.
Sure.
Leo.
Hang in there.
We've already been in here 15 minutes!
Boys, I think we can try our luck.
I think we scared the pants off them.
Torsten, hand me back my phone.
I wanna try calling 9-1-1 again.
So where is it?
Torsten?
Where's the phone?
It was my grandma's birthday gift to me.
But she's dead now.
I'm gonna write this novel--
Shit, man, I lost it!
I'm dumb! OK?! Sorry!
I say we don't wait any longer.
We fight our way out!
I mean, hello, they're just students!
Ever thought about my allergies?
We don't know anything about their
disease! What if they cause swells on me?
Then I won't fit through any doors, Torsten!
You're a sissy, Torben, you know that?
I've been through stuff
like this countless times on "Starcraft 2"!
I seriously doubt
"Starcraft 2" has allergy mode, Torsten!
For fuck's sake!
Can you two babble
more quietly?! I can't concentrate!
See, there you go.
Boys, I don't mean to be rude, I just need
to finish here, then I can play along, OK?
Uh, Katrin, keep still now, alright?
Seriously, I got my period this morning,
and you boys are busting my ovaries!
I mean it, Katrin! No sudden movements!
Oh, then what's this?!
Katrin, don't make any noise!
You got a spider in your hair!
Get rid of it!
Look at that beast! Its teeth are foaming!
Is it big?
- Looks kinda like my cousin!
- What?!
Why hasn't it attacked her yet?
Maybe it already ate.
HELENE FISCHER - BREATHLESS
- What's going on here?
- Shut up!
HOW TO FIGHT ZOMBIES
What did you do to the closet?
The spider's inside!
Dude! What's taking the police so long?!
There's gotta be another way out of here!
And you idiot fed my phone to these beasts!
Dear God! It's a telephone!
How does it work?
Must be a new Apple model in retro design.
Ah, then it must have touch.
Where's the "home" button?
Wait, I think you gotta...
It works! It works!
Wow, technology gets crazier by the minute!
Welcome to the police
emergency station, can I take your order?
Thank God! Leo Knows here!
Ah, the kid who switched schools
hoping things would get better there!
I don't believe this.
So, are things better at the new school? Huh?
Nothing's better here! There's some virus
spreading here! We're stuck in the library!
- Please send--
- Hang on, hang on! Hang on, please!
Is it better there or not? Tell me!
Who gives a damn!
Please send someone to get us out now!
OK, as you wish. I'll connect
you with the specialists at the scene.
No! No!
Commissioner Ronny speaking.
Listen, there are still sane students in here!
We're in the library, up in the top floor!
How dumb are you?! Come on out!
We're trapped! There's zombies
at the door that want to eat us up!
Don't say the Z-word, it's silly!
We're not going in there!
You know how contageous a gastric flu is!
Come to the exit, call me,
and I'll open up for you. End of order.
Hello? Hello?!
Shitfire!
- So what did he say?
- "Shitfire"!
Not him, the policeman!
They're not coming,
they don't want to catch the flu!
This isn't happening!
Why didn't we just leave after school?
We could have googled
the stuff for our essays at home! Fuck!
- We're all gonna die!
- Don't speak of the devil, he'll show up!
I ain't taking orders from you!
Dima and Sascha still look pretty drunk.
Guys...
I think I have it.
My phone?!
The punch!
They all had some of that blue punch!
There was something
wrong with it! I didn't have any!
- Me neither.
- Me neither.
Me neither.
Jenny?
What are y'all looking at me for?!
I didn't drink any either!
That's why we're still healthy.
Someone must have put something in the
punch. That doesn't look normal out there.
That's what I mean! They look like zom--
Yes!
Zombies!
I slept with Tanja.
Chill, boys. There must have been something
in the punch that attacks human brain cells.
Provided there are any, of course.
Some kind of
virus that... yeah, makes you stupid.
Of course unless you were already stupid.
Retarded. The virus
would have no effect on dummies.
So everybody who's dumb is not infected.
Shit!
They figured out how to open doors!
You removed the chair! The chair!
Pull!
Let's get out! Out, out, out!
My cell phone!
That's genius!
Let's hope all zombies have Lovoo.
Of course they have it. Even if they deny it.
Cool, moving on.
Oh, no. Oh, no!
Come.
Almost made it. There's the entrance.
We should have guessed!
In here!
I'm really sorry I didn't believe you.
No sweat, I wouldn't have either.
Good thing I came up
with the spider, or you might have been...
What?
You made that up?
For me?
Oh Leo, that's so romantic!
I hate spiders!
Oh, you two are so cute. Now let's get out!
He's right! Get up fast, you fat bitch!
You! Stay where you are
until the virus wears off! That's an order!
She's no zombie!
She's just not wearing make-up today!
And she's on her period!
Alright, men! Then release the dogs!
OK boys, bag this joint!
Boys, we need some more Bruzzzler!
What's going on now?!
Tenting houses is so 90's!
Not again quarantine!
I gotta go through that every week!
I can't take it any longer!
Katrin!
- Calm down! You have to calm down!
- Hey, let me take care of it.
Calm down, Katrin! Relax!
2 men to the main entrance, 4 men secure
the east and west wing, 2 men on the roof!
Sorry, it's all Spanish to me!
- That was Spanish.
- Yessir!
Commissioner Ronny here, what's up?
The opposite
of "down". But that doesn't matter.
We were assigned by the decontamination
squad to put a quarantine under the school.
- Why the fuss, it's just gastro--
- Shut up, it's my jurisdiction now! So...
Zip it, Zippy. Pack your shit and leave!
We're done for the day, men! Party time!
Thank God, I won't miss my series!
Commissioner, what's your official position?
Commission position is as follows...
A tenacious gastric flu has
spread in the Friedrich Hebbel School.
So as a precaution,
the school was placed under quarantine.
Commissioner, is it true that you were called
by trapped students, but refused to help?
No.
Commissioner, I have a question!
What's the first thermodynamic law
considering Einstein's relativity theory?
Just kidding.
What's the second thermodynamic law
considering Einstein's relativity theory?
OK...
Is the rumour true that a cowboy is about
to be chased across the yard by an Indian?
These rumours seem made up.
Yes, but I don't understand the parents.
Commissioner...
A dairy cow delivers 4,500 liters a year.
Farmer Müller has 19 dairy cows.
He claims to have
delivered 100,000 liters of milk last year.
Is this true? Please explain in written form.
You surely understand that the issue
is top secret and I cannot testify to it.
Besides, I'm off duty now.
Go ask the chancellor over there.
The chancellor! The chancellor!
Chancellor! Panic, discontent
and diarrhea are plaguing Wesselburen.
Could you resolve this situation for us?
What's going on here?!
The SWAT team ensured me
that things are under total control.
It is not necessary to evacuate Wesselburen.
We could prevent worse by acting quickly.
Even the mayor and the decontamination
squad stated there is no reason to panic.
Everything is running
as planned and has its order.
Ice! Ice!
Chocolate?!
- And what if it doesn't work?
- It's gonna work, definitely.
In every zombie movie they disguise
as zombies and sneak past the crowd.
- You and your Z-word!
- And what can we disguise ourselves with?
I dunno, we need some kind
of paint to make our faces look pale.
THEATER ROOM
Maybe we'll find something in there!
Shit, it's locked.
I'll have to break it open then.
Let me do that.
You know I'm stronger, don't you, Torben?
So?! I can still try!
Torben, now's not
the right time to "try" things!
In exceptional situations
you always suppress me, Torsten!
Really, Torben? Who gave you his last
Star Wars card? That was me, Torben!
You just hoped I'd give you Yoda,
Leia Organa or Captain Panaka, Torsten!
Fuck, boys!
Shall we?
Well, lookie here, we got company.
Perle!
Blow me, the dumbest
guy in this school is still healthy.
Yeah, crazy. But good for you, Helmut.
What are you up to in here?
We were getting some cardboard for
philosophy class with Mr. Salamanda,
but then we heard those mutant fuckers
coming into the teachers' room,
and we couldn't leave through the window,
then the mood was all fucked up,
so we came in here and locked up.
Mr. Salamanda?
- You OK?
- Who is that?
Mr. Salamanda, our philosophy teacher.
He can't talk.
- He can't talk?
- Right.
He's our philosophy teacher and can't talk?
Right, he communicates with that bell.
And he wants to tell us something.
Mr. Salamanda, do you know
something about this virus?
Do you know who's responsible for it?
Tell us who did it!
Perle! He can only answer yes or no!
Mr. Salamanda,
is the responsible person... in this room?
Who - is - it?
Is it her?
No, no, that was me!
What?!
No, the bell!
Not the poison!
Poison?!
How'd you know it was poison?
Mr. Salamanda, was it Helmut?
May I, may I pass? Thanks, thanks.
Was... was it Katrin?
My cell phone!
Forgot to hang up on the cops.
Torben!
Was it Torben?
Ice cream! Yummy ice cream!
The ice man is here!
Did Leo poison the punch?
Guys, we gotta hurry,
we gotta put on make-up and scram!
Bring 'em on!
Perle, come on, hurry!
No, Leo, I'm not coming!
What?
My gal and I, we're staying here!
No!
I'm not going without you--
OK, she's more into me, bye!
A mysterious virus has spread
at the Friedrich Hebbel School.
Nice to run the right school.
Honey, do you know where the keys are?
The gardener hasn't been fed for a week.
I think I left it in the office.
Heinke, get over here. You must see this.
Dear Lord. That looks awful!
I know.
We need a new TV set.
You gotta take a bite.
You take a bite!
I'm allergic to toilet brushes.
Mint?
- You idiot!
- I'm sorry!
Helmut, open up!
You insult our momma, you on your own!
Come on, let's go!
You stupid bitch!
Wait!
Fine. Use it or lose it.
This way! Faster!
Omigod, a banana peel!
To the toilet! Fast!
You can go pipi later, Torben! This way!
Let's try the toilet.
- Leo, hurry!
- Go without me! I can't make it!
Leo, of course you can! I'll help you, come!
Go to the toilet, lock the door!
- But the zombies are--
- Go without me!
Bye, see you tomorrow!
Come!
Katrin!
In the stalls!
I tell you, don't count
your chickens before they're hatched.
It's OK, Katrin.
We gotta stay strong now, OK?
Why?!
Leo was a great person.
Without him
we wouldn't have made it this far.
I think he fell on purpose...
...to stall the zombies and save our lives.
He's our hero.
You don't find many of those out there.
He said...
...I got a spider in my hair.
You hear that?
Torben!
We're walking... heads... heads... and...
You're doing great! Very good! Awesome!
And we're shaking, shaking our hand...
And we're waving, waving downwards...
Hey!
We're taking a break, everybody back.
What did I teach you,
Doc, we don't eat our CD's!
And no pop songs,
they'll get you nauseated.
Thank God you're alright!
What happened, Leo?
The question is what didn’t happen!
They were never after us to eat us!
They were just
damn hungry and not so bright anymore.
But one of them wanted to eat his arm.
I bet they thought
his anti-allergy-pills were dextrose candy.
Great!
And I ate toilet brush!
OK, I get it,
but why the hell are you dancing with them.
I had a little chat with them.
And I figured out that when you teach
them shit, their brain cells reproduce again.
If all you do is run away screaming,
what are they to learn but,
"OK, I'm a zombie, so..."
If that's the case, you gotta teach them
back everything important and they're healed?
Well, speech worked fine.
Now we're doing motor skills.
They can speak again?
Well, not these ones yet, but... Mark?
Wow, he's getting the colour back in his face.
Mark, introduce yourself to my friends, huh?
Hi, I'm Mark.
Sorry, I'm a bit confused by this circus but...
...when a cow
sitteth on the pasture, there's cake!
We have a new pope, don't we?
Some brains
need a bit longer to sort the words right.
- Thank you, Mark!
- Potato salad!
If we do this, we'll get back out.
As national heroes!
I say each of us gets a group,
then we bring
these bastards back to life, OK?
It all sounds so stupid!
I know.
But the movie's title
should have been clue enough.
I used to be a little loser,
They underestimated me.
No eating.
On YouTube I was bullied by users.
Now I'll show what I've got in me.
People, do you want to change things?
Listen and do as I do.
Inspite of ail the odds against things,
I have some good advice for you.
Vitamins. Eat. Eat!
Potato salad!
Good job, you can read now!
THE DAY AFTER THE OUTBREAK
I blacked out, they were all fucked up,
and this zombie invasion made me miss
seeing my doctor about my hail damage.
The cellulite's fucking me up every day.
I wanted to go fitness, too,
because of my annual rings,
because my jug holder
won't always be able to carry the weight.
Did you see my man?
I don't wanna go to jail!
Would someone hand him a tissue?
I have nothing to do with all this!
I regret nothing.
My ass was on the line!
This was no pony lick!
I wasn't drinking!
The only instinct they had was hunger.
Can I, can I go home?
I need booze. Booze!
You're nervous, right?
No, I'm Torben. But it's OK.
At first I didn't believe them...
Fuck!
I left my essay in the library!
Ever seen "The Walking Dead"?
That's the way it was!
They just didn't
want our brains, but our sandwiches!
Leo found that out.
Well, well, together with me... Well...
Me, uh... I found it out.
Without Leo, we'd all be dead by now.
Nah, maybe not dead,
but definitely still in that school,
and more than 24 hours in school,
I'm telling you, you wish you were dead!
Well, boy, you seem to be a real hero.
Thanks.
Hang on, are you the Leo Knows
who recently switched schools
- hoping things would get better there?
- Yes.
They should change the
school's name to "Leo Knows Much School".
- Gum?
- Thanks, I quit.
Yeah, much better that way.
Now to you, Mr. Salamanda.
Start talking.
What did you observe that day?
Mr. Salamanda, you're
preventing police work. If you please!
Mr. Salamanda, we can get bad.
Yeah...
We could flashy-thing you.
Alright.
Make your pick.
Stretching bank? Waterboarding?
Good. I'll get water and a rag.
In a sec.
Wait, wait, wait...
Mr. Salamanda...
You can't speak, can you?
You communicate just
with that little bell, right?
Mr. Salamanda...
Do you know how
this virus spread among the students?
Do you know who poisoned the students?
Mr. Salamanda...
Who poisoned the students?
He's giving us the finger!
Bitching in his pants and shitting around,
that's all these seniors are good at!
He can't even bitch around!
And we can give ourselves the finger!
Mr. Salamanda, goodbye!
Mr. Salamanda, enough! Your show's over!
Your left eye is hanging out,
but it seems you can do without.
Are you a zombie?
Donating organs would be nuts
because inside you are no guts.
Are you a zombie?
The girls, they run away and shriek
because your eye has a leak.
Are you a zombie?
But your time will come in a few days.
You're all gonna see.
Please don't ask.
Leonardus Blancus the first,
I hereby knight you today.
Leo, you saved us all.
Without you, we'd all be zombies by now.
You're the hottest stud.
Leo!
Hey, what are they doing there?
Well, you were knighted.
Dear peer... Yes, I saved the school.
And yes, the rumours are true,
I have slept with Helene Fischer.
But please, just treat me like before.
Maybe a little nicer, thank you.
Maybe we should move on.
My name is Torben!
I'm counted as a loser in this school,
although many girls have slept with me
because of my allergic reaction during sex.
Today...
...I too want to...
...be cool.
I'll begin alphabetically.
They were...
Alena, Alia, Alicia, Alina, Amelie, Andrea,
Anita, Anja, Anna, Anneke, Annika...
It was the greatest day in my life.
Finally I had what I had always wanted.
Recognition.
Respect.
Cheese.
Friends.
Well...
Almost everything.
I'll go change.
Good luck.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Did you hear about Perle and Helmut?
- No, what?
Well, Perle broke up 'cause Helmut traded
her engagement ring for a PS4 game.
That's something.
Yeah, and they're both
quite sorry they treated you so bad.
It's OK, no big deal.
Yeah. Well, what I wanted to ask you...
Well, after the spring ball
comes the summer ball, and...
Well, you go there in pairs...
And I don't have anyone go go with yet...
So I wanted to ask you...
You think Helmut would go with me?
Well, I mean,
Perle broke up with Helmut and...
Well, he might just say yes.
You think he'll say yes?
- Sure, absolutely! Yes!
- Really? Really?!
Oh, you're the best! Come here!
Best friends forever!
Dear Leo, with this letter
I wish to apologize to you.
Actually I symbolically wish to
apologize to all whom I've harmed.
I made no friends with my heinous ways.
To the contrary, I isolated myself
and thought that everyone respected me.
All along,
I pretended to be something I'm not.
You showed me how important it is
to be yourself, and not be ashamed of it.
And that's what I will do by this letter now.
Which is why I ask you,
will you go to the summer ball with me?
Yours, butterfly-stomachedly, Helmut.
And that's how
everything turned out to be my perfect day.
The day was like a hot chocolate
with crumbles on a warm, soft cookie.
If I'd known the cream topping
was heading for my school this second,
I would have cried for joy.
This is one big catch. Are you ready?
Course I'm ready.
What's wrong with you?
...Barbara, Beate, Beatrice, Berrit, Berta...
LEO KNOWS EVERYTHING SCHOOL
Good morning. Are you Heinke?
Yes?
Nice name. Keep it.
Could you please explain what's going on?
Oh, nothing, it's just that you're quite...
...sexay!
Uh, we're looking for the Elite High
School's principal, we have a warrant.
We got a warrant.
We reacted to and anonymous call and
found the chemicals in his desk that
caused the virus at the Hebbel School.
Desk caused.
- Shut up, Willi. Enough stupidity here.
- Much stupidity.
That's total bullshit.
My husband would never do such a thing.
Oh yes, yes, yes.
Where...
...is your husband...
...right now?
Leo Knows!
Professor Kraemer!
I expected you here earlier.
Your father's
a chemist! The virus is from you!
What kind of game are you playing here?
You know, always being told
you're nothing badly affects your charisma.
Sooner or later you really are nothing.
When I saw Perle, I finally
understood I have to stop being nothing.
She wants to get a tattoo.
And guess whose name is on it?
Leo is a loser!
I tried several things.
But the solution was there all along.
A few tests proved
that the virus worked perfectly,
without damaging the human brain any
more than a full intoxication would anyway.
The incubation time was about 12 hours.
So the spring ball
was the perfect place for my plan.
I mixed the drops into my pork
and called it "Blue Mett"!
One bite was enough to get infested.
By the way, I had nothing
to do with vodka getting into the punch.
And the nice part is,
the virus is curable.
And it has no effect on the stupid,
so you see, these students aren't that dumb.
And that's why you don't
put a real mole in a "mole cake", OK?
It's been proven that all the infested are
now smarter and more motivated than before.
You know, sometime you have to
trim the tips to make hair grow faster.
And now it's #LeoIsAHero.
That sounded so recited.
POTATO SALAD - SCREENPLAY
It was. But what the hell.
Leo, stay here!
I'm telling this all to the police!
You're not getting away
with this, you maggot, you'll see!
Et 3, et 4, et 5, et 6,
et sex, uh... 7, et 8,
I gotta answer that!
Non, non, non, cheri,
we finish exercise first, capisce?
- But it could be an emergency!
- Non!
Et 8, et 9, et 10, et 11, et 12...
Due to an...
...emergency...
...the emercency...
...station is...
...temporarily...
...not available.
We thank you...
...for your...
...appreciation.
God dammit!
Yes! Great!
I'll tell them in person now!
You're gonna see what happens!
Yeah, who are they
gonna believe, the new mayor or...
...the bad guy?
Leo, you're changing schools!
You framed me!
Yeah... After all the years
you put me down and bullied me...
You're nothing! You're a shame to my
school, you'll never amount to anything!
You're a shame to humanity,
a shame to the word "shame"!
I framed you, yeah.
- Professor Kraemer?
- Yes?
- You're under arrest.
- What?!
You have the right to remain silent. Whatever
you say can and will be used against you.
We will prove that you've been adorning
yourself for quite a while with borrowed...
...laurels.
That you've been running a black list
to drive your weak students here and then...
...eliminate them with a virus.
You got neither hide or hair of real evidence!
We do.
The hair.
Game over, professor!
I'm calling my lawyer!
That's among your rights.
I'm gonna gut you all!
That is not among your rights. And now...
Zip it, Zippy. Take him away.
- Bye!
- Dude, what was all that?
It's all cool.
I'm gonna get back to sports,
then I'll get in my car
and rise away, the camera will crane up,
an emotional conclusion will be
narrated and music will kick in.
Here we go!
Call me.
Frauke, Frida, Frederike, Gabi, Gerda,
Gertrud, Gesa, Gisela, Gritt, Hannah,
Heidi, Heike, Helena, Helene, Helga...
So if you have the same problem I had,
deal with it like I did. Poison your peers
with some... No wait, I can't say that.
Nah...
But what I can say is, believe in yourself,
be yourself, and most of all,
don't let anybody label you.
And don't label
others either. Goes without saying.
"I know who it was. It was..."
OK, Mr. Salamanda, let's carry on.
You already stole enough of our time.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L...
Write that down. Write the L down. Today!
I already cracked the case,
this is a pure waste of time here.
A, B, C, D, E...
OK, an E. Write it. Write it. Moving on.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q...
OK, a P. "Lep".
What kind of name
is that?! He's fucking with us!
I've had it!
Are you all fucking retarded here?!
Oh, by the way, um...
Mrs. Martens, I've heard of her.
She's said to be badass.
Could you say that loud for everyone?
Oh fuck, dude, sorry!
Perle broke up
because Helmut traded her...
Yes, Perle broke up
because helmet...
OK, extras back to 1, still rolling.
Listen up! Hey!
Get back down, listen to me!
Nobody - insults - the woman...
What is that?!
OK, cut! Abort!
Good morning!
No mourning!
- Cut. Dude, Torge!
- Fuck!
Perle broke up because Helmut traded
her engagement ring for a PS4 game!
What?! Locker room's
so 2014! Go to the retros, OK?
Embarrassing, ey.
Cut, thank you.
You must be Leo Knows,
the kid who drowned the kit... Oh, sorry!
Who drowned the kittens?!
Just now in the schoolyard, I saw it!
I think I need some booze.
Good, cut. Thank you.
Dude!
Sabine, Sandrine, Sara, Sarah with an H,
Sandra,
and... Sascha.
THE END
TV-Series Collection from Steffen of Nine
In respect to all survivors,
some ingredients have been changed.
Please!
Hey! The phone's ringing! Quiet!
- Don't worry. We'll carry on in a second.
- No problem.
Thank you.
Answer, for Heaven's sake, please!
9-1-1, what's your emergency, hello?
Hello?!
Don't be scared, I'm there! The police!
Protecting and serving you!
Hey, I can hear footsteps!
Don't you want to talk?!
Running away doesn't solve anything!
I guess it wasn't that important.
POTATO SALAD
DON'T ASK!
ONE WEEK BEFORE THE OUTBREAK
Hang on there, son. Gotta get big and strong.
There's breakfast at school today!
- There! That's taken care of.
- Mom!
- Enjoy school.
- Don't screw up, or you cook this weekend.
Good luck.
Good morning, Leo!
Hello, Leo!
Dear students, the driver of
the private jet licensed HEIDE - HH 08 15
please contact the valet
parking service immediately. Thank you!
A...
- A-minus...
- Oh my God, oh my god, no!
- Oh man, if they did that bad...
- B...
I think I screwed up badly this time.
You say that every time and
then end up with an A or B!
Meike, an A...
- Leo, an A...
- What?!
Leo Hinrichs!
You the A, and you the F.
Almost surprised me there.
Keep in mind, folks,
nobody remembers who comes second.
What's that in your face?
- Yes, there.
- Oh, that's gotta be my mom.
So, we're now moving
on from "the evolution of mankind" to...
- ...sex education.
- We already had that in 7th grade!
Well, things have changed. When you were in
7th grade, only men and women could have...
...intercourse.
But nowadays it's legit for
women with women, men with men...
- Penis.
- Two women with one man...
- Penis.
- Three men with... one sheep...
Penis.
Whatever. Now I’m sure you're
wondering how that's supposed to work,
if you've got just two trains and no station,
or two stations but no train.
- I'll explain it to you with an example.
- Penis.
Let's say this is a station,
and this is a train.
That is a train.
If the train were to
enter the station with a rubber coat,
- theoretically no passengers could get out.
- Penis.
So let's say a whole swarm of people
is to be ejaculated... ejected at the station.
The train must carefully enter
the station, back and forth, forth and back,
until all passengers have left the train.
Then, after a little rest,
the train can go visit other stations.
I don't get it.
Penis!
Take your seats.
No shit.
Uh, Mrs. Bauer won't make it to class today.
Unfortunately she choked on a gigantic...
PENIS!
Exactly.
Leo, in my office.
- Thank you, Mrs. Stamm.
- You're welcome, sir.
Mrs. Knows, Mr. Knows,
I know we've met here often,
and you know I've been running
this showpiece school for 17 years now.
But such a non-showpiece student,
as your Leo clearly is, overwhelms me.
Our flag motto is that
"we get all students right".
Nobody just gets dropped from our school.
And we take our pride in that.
But a case like Leo
makes Einstein roll over in his grave.
His grades clearly show
that Leo Knows... nothing!
And his social behaviour makes one blush.
I'd like to mention that Leo wasn't
the only one to say the P-word in class.
I know, Mrs. Knows, but last week Leo uttered
many F-words, H-words and even B-words!
- B-words?
- Bagpipe-face.
Oh, Lord.
Proper steps must be taken, Leo must
repeat 10th grade. In a new class he can--
That's no option! My son will graduate
in 3 years and become a chemist, like me.
I know, Mrs. Knows, Mr. Knows,
at first it sounds like no good, again--
No good?! No Gouda at all!
You know my son has ADD!
ADHD in fact! That's even worse than ADD!
Well, if that's the case,
I'm forced to convene a school conference.
Because my son shouted the P-word in class?!
It's not about the stupid P-word!
Leo's a loser! A shame to our lovely school!
But I'm not gonna be the one to kick him out!
That would destroy my image.
- Hey! Nobody insults my son but me, got it?
- Right, dude.
Walter, Leo, we're leaving.
- Leo, you're changing schools.
- But I...
This decision is your fault alone.
DRIVE AWAY
Done.
Dear students, there's good news!
Leo Knows is leaving the school today!
May I... reach over a second... Thanks.
Wasn't it supposed to be pizza for dinner?
- Leo, I put you in the Hebbel School.
- OK.
And tomorrow's your first day.
Tomorrow?!
Leo, we're not doing this to spite you.
Try to look at it as a new start.
We never saw you bring friends home,
or go to a party at night.
Not to mention your grades.
And if they stay that way in the
new school, we're cutting you from acrobatics.
- What?!
- What are we to do, Leo? We tried everything!
Horseback therapy, swimming with dolphins,
elephant-hunting in South Africa,
whaling at the Japanese coast,
and none of all that helped!
You both think I'm a total loser, right?
Oh, Leo. We just want--
No, it's OK. I got it, thanks!
I mean, I knew that
Dad thought that of me, but now you...
Did it ever cross your mind
that it could also be your fault?!
If you keep treating me like a loser,
what am I to learn but, "OK, I'm a loser"?!
Fuck it, I'll have the last laugh!
At the new school, I'm gonna be the hero!
The womanizer, the guy everybody likes!
And not the damn stumblebum!
OK, here we go.
Stay cool, Leo.
Dad, can you drive me to school?
Thanks, Dad. I'll sure make new friends
showing up here on my cool ladies' bike.
Well, I hope at least
the teachers are a bit nicer here.
Cool hunk of junk, dude!
Uh, dear students, a little announcement
personally from principal Roos:
"If you don't show up in class,
neither will I! Eat me!"
Oh man, I'm know not a soul.
If only I knew just one person here...
Forget it. Remember the mission.
Keep cool, don't screw up.
Don't stumble, don't say anything stupid.
If somebody talks to you, just be friendly.
Excuse me?
FUCK OFF!
Uh, sorry, I didn't mean that.
Today's my first day,
and I'm totally nervous. My name is Leo.
Katrin. Yeah.
Our spring ball's at Wednesday.
Charity event for the Catholic ice rink.
And by the way,
everybody has to bring a snack there.
Cool. Hey, wait. Can you tell me
where to find the secretary's office?
Go into the building,
down the hall, last door to the right.
And sorry, I really didn't mean that.
It's OK. By the way, ask for Mrs. Martens.
If Mrs. Wilkens is there... run!
MRS. WILKENS
Uh, I'm looking for Mrs. Martens.
Mrs. Martens is sick today.
You'll have to put up with me.
OK, I just wanted to know
which class to go to. I'm Leo Knows, the--
The kid who changed schools
hoping things will get better here. I know.
First I'll need your ID and criminal record.
I didn't know I'd have to bring that.
And how am I to know you're Leo Knows?
Well, maybe you're
someone who likes to drown kittens.
We don't want students
on this school who drown kittens.
Do you drown kittens, Leo?
Ah, good morning,
Mrs. Wilkens. How are you today?
Oh, thank you. Such lovely weather.
You must be Leo Knows, the kid who changed
schools hoping things will get better here.
Yes, my mother registered me yesterday, and
this lady wants my criminal record and ID.
Mrs. Wilkens, couldn't you
resist teasing our new student?
- You know me.
- Mrs. Wilkens, Mrs. Wilkens.
You don't drown kittens, do you?
New class for this one, please.
The bullies from Mr. Donau's class showed
once again where you don't want to end up...
In Mr. Donau's class.
He drowns kittens, Leo.
Bring him to a new class.
We'll clear his seat for someone else.
We could give it to Leo here, right?
- Is that really necessary?
- No.
- Could I get another class?
- Yes.
- But you won't let me, right?
- No.
- Pity.
- Yes.
So, my motto of the day is:
"A good fart is better than bad music."
You guys gotta remember that one,
it always comes in handy.
And now I have some super news for you.
And I'm gonna give you a little hint...
Leonardo Not DiCaprio...
Leo-Nerdo Ladies' Bike!
I don't want to keep you in suspense
any longer. So pay attention now...
May I have a round
of applause for our new student?
The one and only Leo!
Here he is. The Leo.
Katrin! Hey, it's me!
The guy from the schoolyard!
Katrin? Katrin, it's me!
Looks like somebody found his girl, huh?
Leonardo Not DaVinci...
Leonardo There-Sits-She!
Leo, how about
you introduce yourself to the class?
Well, I'm Leo.
I used to go to Elite High School--
And in the other school,
your peers were all mean to you, right?
Well, yes, but
you don't have to say it like that...
Who gives a fuck? But I don't want any of you
rubbing it in that they were so mean to Leo.
No. I want you to receive Leo as kindly
as Andi, who came to our school last week.
And now we just gotta find a seat for you...
Could I... Next to Katrin maybe...?
Next to Katrin...?
Nah, nah, nah, go sit next to Andi.
Next to Andi. Shake a leg.
Of course this had to happen!
Now I have to sit next to the loser Andi.
His loserliness will
automatically be transferred to me!
Well, let's wait and see.
To the spring ball,
you all must bring food and drinks.
Hey. Andi.
No, Leo. But never mind.
So what's in the next period?
Sports.
So, all ladies who cannot participate
due to their periods, please go sit over there.
What are periods?
Math, physics, sports...
And now we're gonna do some acrobatics.
Aw, not acrobatics again!
So lame. Acrobatics, so lame.
Cool! Cool! I'm good at that! Cool!
Chemistry, history...
Kids, kids, back then in 2014
when I was European champion in acrobatics
female hearts just kept flying my way.
So, everybody over to the mat,
and we'll start with a simple roll. Chop-chop!
Lame, lame, lame...
Whattaya mean,
Cheyenne Club's closed today?!
Dude, you swore me we'd go there today!
That guy's so goblin!
He can't do it!
Kids, kids, kids, what a bunch
of dummies! I can't watch any longer!
You crossed the line, boy! It’s over!
What, you're proposing?!
Omigod, girls! My boyfriend proposed to me!
Kids, kids, isn't that romantic?
Romance is one of the
most important things ever, I must say.
Hi.
That rocked, your...
I'm Torsten.
- That's... Torben.
- Hi, I'm Torben.
Hi. You're not like
the coolest dudes in this school, are you?
Yes!
We're anything but cool!
We don't smoke,
we don't drink, or listen to hip-hop, yo!
We're called Torsten and Torben,
that says it all, doesn't it?
Yeah, all names that start with "Tor" suck!
Yes, that's true, uh...
You're new here, right?
Yeah. Sorry, what's with the gas mask, dude?
I'm an allergy sufferer.
I got pretty much every allergy there is.
Torben's even allergic to his allergies.
Yes. When I get hay fever and wet eyes,
my ears react and I get a soar throat.
OK, what does the school doctor say?
Fuck me, Torben!
Never seen anything like this!
You just have it all!
Can't even have sex!
Your skin's allergic to women's juice!
Your pecker would just...
- So what should I do?
- If I were you...
I'd kill myself!
Chicks love it. He has a new one every day!
Of course nobody admits to
having sex with a loser, but it's true.
One time I forgot, and during
fellatio I almost choked on my tongue!
Yeah, OK but... Who's that girl Perle?
Shouldn't you be in class?
What, you sneak into the toilet?
Aw, you're so cut! See you in the break!
God. Don't tell me you got your eye on her.
No, no,
I just think there's something about her.
There's something on you.
Yeah. It's called loose screws.
Trust me, she won't make you happy.
So who thinks I banged
my boyfriend 3 times in a train?
Uh, I think maybe 2 or 2.5 or so?
No, man! Wrong, 5 times!
That's what I call discipline!
You should follow her example!
She's such a role model!
I only had sex twice in the locker room.
What?!
Locker room is so 2014! Go to the retros!
TWO NIGHTS BEFORE THE OUTBREAK
Dear students, for your information,
kittens are not meant for drowning.
And now enjoy some Eko Fresh.
- So, Leo a Nutella bun.
- Thanks.
And Torben a bowl of dry rice
without additives or preservatives.
Thank you.
You know, I think I'll just go talk to her.
- What? Who?
- Perle.
I swear, I totally got
armpit terror, it's gotten so damn warm!
Let's go get sunbed-toasted later, yeah?
My doc said not to go
so often because of the dangerous TV rays.
What, you wanna go with a bang?
I don't now.
Good. Because first,
this woman is insanely evil,
She's a woman.
And second, she just got proposed to
by the school's macho. Are you suicidal?!
I just think she's interesting!
Vaginal mycosis is interesting,
too, but that doesn't make me want it.
Why do you know about vaginal mycosis?
- My mom told me about it.
- And why do you talk with her about that?!
- I have a good relationship with my mom.
- Yes, but not with her vagina!
Boys!
I'm going to talk to her now, OK?!
Have some of this! It smells good!
Thank you!
Leo!
When you're on the floor, don't defend
yourself, then they might think you're dead.
Wish me luck.
Uh, Leo, you got--
Immortality status already, I know.
Leo Knows!
Dear students, it's beef today! 1.99!
Hello!
I'm Leo, and, uh...
I think you girls rock!
Yo, Perle, did he just insult your mamma?!
I... No, no, I just wanted to...
I think I'd rather go now.
Now you're fucked,
my friend! Now you're fucked!
Now you're gonna get fucked, my friend!
Anally!
Who the hell are you?
Dear Lord, keep his suffering short!
Leo. And you?
Helmut.
Could you repeat that out loud for everyone?
Helmut!
Alright, he's as good as dead,
I'll delete him on Facebook.
Did you just harass my girl?!
No, no, really, I just said hello!
You insulted her mamma?!
What?! No, what's your guys'--
Nobody... Listen up...
Nobody insults my mamma's girlfriend!
You mean your... girlfriend's mamma, right?
I'm telling you! Hard!
Dude! Man!
Prepare to die!
- What's he doing?!
- He's doing the nipple twister!
Oh, no! His still just a child!
OK! Defibrillator!
Wonderful, thank you, thank you!
THE NIGHT BEFORE THE OUTBREAK
DRIVE AWAY
THE SPRING BALL
Great!
I bailed on "Starcraft 2" for this!
Seriously, dude,
your girlfriend's such a horse-face!
That's enough! Cindy, we're leaving!
That's so rude! So rude!
Hey! Sorry, this pork hedgehog took me ages!
You bring a pork hedgehog to a spring ball?!
Torben, dead water?
Yes, please.
Is this yours?
Oh, uh, thanks.
You wanna stink? I mean, you wanna drink?
Yeah, yeah, a Mamma-Babbel!
- Here.
- Thanks. Cool here, isn't it?
Yeah, uh... Really cool...
Really jiggy!
Don't you want anything?!
Uh, yes, uh... I'll take...
Omigod, that's not available in stores yet!
- "Nerdcraft 3", dude!
- Limited edition!
I'll have some of the punch.
- Cool. Here's to us.
- Here's to me.
You know, yesterday I went
tattoo studio, although my mom said no,
but I said, "Fuck you,
mom, what do you want, I'm 15!"
I'm an adult woman, I got my
driver's license at Legoland when I was 9!
Who cares? I was always premature!
Anyway, I secretly go my tattoo
sketched out, you wanna see it?
Yeah, yeah, sure!
LEO IS A LOSER
Ha, girls, check out his face!
Hey, we gotta post that
on Facebook and Lovoo... #LeoIsALoser
THE DAY OF THE OUTBREAK
Uh... Dear students...
What was I gonna say...?
Whoa, I could so eat chocolate pudding now...
NATIONAL ASSHOLES
NATIONAL MEGA-ASSHOLE-SHITHEADS
OK.
I'm done.
THE WORLD'S
10 MOST SPECTACULAR ALLERGIES
Me too.
SHIT, MY ONLY FRIENDS ARE 2 NERDS
Yeah, that should be all for me, too.
Dude, what's going on?
Dude!
Let's scram, get your shit!
Bro...
I feel so dizzy.
Plus, I'm so damn hungry, and...
...and all I see is white.
Yes, your eyes do look quite milky.
Then let's open up
that cakehole and see your tongue.
Fuck!
Son...
I'll never get this out!
I can't recall ever being
in school so long in the afternoon.
D'you guys hear that Helmut pulled
a fifth-grader up the flagpole in the break?
Really?
Nah, I just made that up.
That's not OK, Torben,
just to feel important by telling tall tales.
Excuse me, I just noticed
things started to get boring, Torsten.
So I figured I'd tell a story.
A made-up story, Torben!
Little Red Riding Hood is also a made-up
story, and still everybody loves it, Torsten!
In Little Red Riding Hood, an innocent
old lady gets mauled by a predator!
- I doubt that kind of story--
- Boys, boys, boys!
Come here!
Is this normal in your school?
What's wrong with them?
Maybe graduation pranks?
Oh my God!
Something terrible
has happened! It can't be stopped!
Save yourselves while you can!
My scrub! My scrub!
OK boys,
no matter what happens now, let's not panic!
He eats brooms! Run!
Freeze!
- I got a gun!
- What the hell are you doing?!
We don't know if she's
infested like the others! Torben?
Yes?
Go to the door
and tell us when the coast is clear!
OK.
Good. Now you put down
that sandwich very slowly, OK?
Very good.
And now turn around slowly.
I'm going to put away my gun.
Omigod, she's infested, too! Kill her!
Leo, she's just not wearing make-up today!
What's gotten into you to scare me
like that?! I thought you were running amok!
- You won't prefer the truth!
- I can't wait to hear it!
- Well, the students turned into--
- Don't say the Z-word!
My father always told me
to just call things as they are. Katrin...
The janitor ate his broom.
OK boys, that sounds exciting, but
my essay is giving me a little more trouble.
So if you don't mind, I'd appreciate
you just not talking to me now, OK?
Good, then just stay there, keep away
from the door and just... hold your beak!
Leo, we gotta get out of here!
Did you forget?! The door's blocked by a
rabid crowd and a broom-eating janitor!
Why are you speaking through your teeth?
That's to emphasize the pickle we're in!
Who's got a phone?
Call the police!
- Fuck!
- Fornicate!
You're both right!
Quiet.
Things seem to be calming down.
Where the hell are you?
I'm calling the fourth time now,
and still nobody's come yet!
Hello? Hello?!
I'm going on strike today, lemme through!
Strike!
Come on, let's go! Past these corpses!
This way!
Omigod! I gotta get out!
Hey people, just so you know...
Mrs. Wilkens is fired!
Finally! You must shut down the school now!
The kids all got some
strange disease and are acting like, like...
Like zombies!
With some gastric flu! It's a total nightmare!
Let's keep it short and painless.
How much dope have you been smoking?
I haven't been smoking, for Heaven's sake!
Get the healthy kids out,
and shut down that building!
Why, I'm not liking that tone of yours!
You can be happy we came
at all! Actually, this was our lunch break!
Well, go in there, and convince yourself!
Egon!
Yessir?
Drug test for this potato-head here,
I'm gonna get my own picture of this!
Yes, commissioner!
Well, then. Whoa, strong biceps!
Yes, I'm a Van Damme fan.
All the better. You're just gonna feel
a little prick, nothing to worry about...
Man! I could swear I heard sirens out there!
Thank God, then we'll be outta here soon.
Do you mind?
That's a long wiener you got there.
Commissioner?
Question. Just a question.
Shouldn't we have a look into the school?
That's just some gastroenteritis
spooking around, it'll pass in a few days.
Just wait.
Sure.
Leo.
Hang in there.
We've already been in here 15 minutes!
Boys, I think we can try our luck.
I think we scared the pants off them.
Torsten, hand me back my phone.
I wanna try calling 9-1-1 again.
So where is it?
Torsten?
Where's the phone?
It was my grandma's birthday gift to me.
But she's dead now.
I'm gonna write this novel--
Shit, man, I lost it!
I'm dumb! OK?! Sorry!
I say we don't wait any longer.
We fight our way out!
I mean, hello, they're just students!
Ever thought about my allergies?
We don't know anything about their
disease! What if they cause swells on me?
Then I won't fit through any doors, Torsten!
You're a sissy, Torben, you know that?
I've been through stuff
like this countless times on "Starcraft 2"!
I seriously doubt
"Starcraft 2" has allergy mode, Torsten!
For fuck's sake!
Can you two babble
more quietly?! I can't concentrate!
See, there you go.
Boys, I don't mean to be rude, I just need
to finish here, then I can play along, OK?
Uh, Katrin, keep still now, alright?
Seriously, I got my period this morning,
and you boys are busting my ovaries!
I mean it, Katrin! No sudden movements!
Oh, then what's this?!
Katrin, don't make any noise!
You got a spider in your hair!
Get rid of it!
Look at that beast! Its teeth are foaming!
Is it big?
- Looks kinda like my cousin!
- What?!
Why hasn't it attacked her yet?
Maybe it already ate.
HELENE FISCHER - BREATHLESS
- What's going on here?
- Shut up!
HOW TO FIGHT ZOMBIES
What did you do to the closet?
The spider's inside!
Dude! What's taking the police so long?!
There's gotta be another way out of here!
And you idiot fed my phone to these beasts!
Dear God! It's a telephone!
How does it work?
Must be a new Apple model in retro design.
Ah, then it must have touch.
Where's the "home" button?
Wait, I think you gotta...
It works! It works!
Wow, technology gets crazier by the minute!
Welcome to the police
emergency station, can I take your order?
Thank God! Leo Knows here!
Ah, the kid who switched schools
hoping things would get better there!
I don't believe this.
So, are things better at the new school? Huh?
Nothing's better here! There's some virus
spreading here! We're stuck in the library!
- Please send--
- Hang on, hang on! Hang on, please!
Is it better there or not? Tell me!
Who gives a damn!
Please send someone to get us out now!
OK, as you wish. I'll connect
you with the specialists at the scene.
No! No!
Commissioner Ronny speaking.
Listen, there are still sane students in here!
We're in the library, up in the top floor!
How dumb are you?! Come on out!
We're trapped! There's zombies
at the door that want to eat us up!
Don't say the Z-word, it's silly!
We're not going in there!
You know how contageous a gastric flu is!
Come to the exit, call me,
and I'll open up for you. End of order.
Hello? Hello?!
Shitfire!
- So what did he say?
- "Shitfire"!
Not him, the policeman!
They're not coming,
they don't want to catch the flu!
This isn't happening!
Why didn't we just leave after school?
We could have googled
the stuff for our essays at home! Fuck!
- We're all gonna die!
- Don't speak of the devil, he'll show up!
I ain't taking orders from you!
Dima and Sascha still look pretty drunk.
Guys...
I think I have it.
My phone?!
The punch!
They all had some of that blue punch!
There was something
wrong with it! I didn't have any!
- Me neither.
- Me neither.
Me neither.
Jenny?
What are y'all looking at me for?!
I didn't drink any either!
That's why we're still healthy.
Someone must have put something in the
punch. That doesn't look normal out there.
That's what I mean! They look like zom--
Yes!
Zombies!
I slept with Tanja.
Chill, boys. There must have been something
in the punch that attacks human brain cells.
Provided there are any, of course.
Some kind of
virus that... yeah, makes you stupid.
Of course unless you were already stupid.
Retarded. The virus
would have no effect on dummies.
So everybody who's dumb is not infected.
Shit!
They figured out how to open doors!
You removed the chair! The chair!
Pull!
Let's get out! Out, out, out!
My cell phone!
That's genius!
Let's hope all zombies have Lovoo.
Of course they have it. Even if they deny it.
Cool, moving on.
Oh, no. Oh, no!
Come.
Almost made it. There's the entrance.
We should have guessed!
In here!
I'm really sorry I didn't believe you.
No sweat, I wouldn't have either.
Good thing I came up
with the spider, or you might have been...
What?
You made that up?
For me?
Oh Leo, that's so romantic!
I hate spiders!
Oh, you two are so cute. Now let's get out!
He's right! Get up fast, you fat bitch!
You! Stay where you are
until the virus wears off! That's an order!
She's no zombie!
She's just not wearing make-up today!
And she's on her period!
Alright, men! Then release the dogs!
OK boys, bag this joint!
Boys, we need some more Bruzzzler!
What's going on now?!
Tenting houses is so 90's!
Not again quarantine!
I gotta go through that every week!
I can't take it any longer!
Katrin!
- Calm down! You have to calm down!
- Hey, let me take care of it.
Calm down, Katrin! Relax!
2 men to the main entrance, 4 men secure
the east and west wing, 2 men on the roof!
Sorry, it's all Spanish to me!
- That was Spanish.
- Yessir!
Commissioner Ronny here, what's up?
The opposite
of "down". But that doesn't matter.
We were assigned by the decontamination
squad to put a quarantine under the school.
- Why the fuss, it's just gastro--
- Shut up, it's my jurisdiction now! So...
Zip it, Zippy. Pack your shit and leave!
We're done for the day, men! Party time!
Thank God, I won't miss my series!
Commissioner, what's your official position?
Commission position is as follows...
A tenacious gastric flu has
spread in the Friedrich Hebbel School.
So as a precaution,
the school was placed under quarantine.
Commissioner, is it true that you were called
by trapped students, but refused to help?
No.
Commissioner, I have a question!
What's the first thermodynamic law
considering Einstein's relativity theory?
Just kidding.
What's the second thermodynamic law
considering Einstein's relativity theory?
OK...
Is the rumour true that a cowboy is about
to be chased across the yard by an Indian?
These rumours seem made up.
Yes, but I don't understand the parents.
Commissioner...
A dairy cow delivers 4,500 liters a year.
Farmer Müller has 19 dairy cows.
He claims to have
delivered 100,000 liters of milk last year.
Is this true? Please explain in written form.
You surely understand that the issue
is top secret and I cannot testify to it.
Besides, I'm off duty now.
Go ask the chancellor over there.
The chancellor! The chancellor!
Chancellor! Panic, discontent
and diarrhea are plaguing Wesselburen.
Could you resolve this situation for us?
What's going on here?!
The SWAT team ensured me
that things are under total control.
It is not necessary to evacuate Wesselburen.
We could prevent worse by acting quickly.
Even the mayor and the decontamination
squad stated there is no reason to panic.
Everything is running
as planned and has its order.
Ice! Ice!
Chocolate?!
- And what if it doesn't work?
- It's gonna work, definitely.
In every zombie movie they disguise
as zombies and sneak past the crowd.
- You and your Z-word!
- And what can we disguise ourselves with?
I dunno, we need some kind
of paint to make our faces look pale.
THEATER ROOM
Maybe we'll find something in there!
Shit, it's locked.
I'll have to break it open then.
Let me do that.
You know I'm stronger, don't you, Torben?
So?! I can still try!
Torben, now's not
the right time to "try" things!
In exceptional situations
you always suppress me, Torsten!
Really, Torben? Who gave you his last
Star Wars card? That was me, Torben!
You just hoped I'd give you Yoda,
Leia Organa or Captain Panaka, Torsten!
Fuck, boys!
Shall we?
Well, lookie here, we got company.
Perle!
Blow me, the dumbest
guy in this school is still healthy.
Yeah, crazy. But good for you, Helmut.
What are you up to in here?
We were getting some cardboard for
philosophy class with Mr. Salamanda,
but then we heard those mutant fuckers
coming into the teachers' room,
and we couldn't leave through the window,
then the mood was all fucked up,
so we came in here and locked up.
Mr. Salamanda?
- You OK?
- Who is that?
Mr. Salamanda, our philosophy teacher.
He can't talk.
- He can't talk?
- Right.
He's our philosophy teacher and can't talk?
Right, he communicates with that bell.
And he wants to tell us something.
Mr. Salamanda, do you know
something about this virus?
Do you know who's responsible for it?
Tell us who did it!
Perle! He can only answer yes or no!
Mr. Salamanda,
is the responsible person... in this room?
Who - is - it?
Is it her?
No, no, that was me!
What?!
No, the bell!
Not the poison!
Poison?!
How'd you know it was poison?
Mr. Salamanda, was it Helmut?
May I, may I pass? Thanks, thanks.
Was... was it Katrin?
My cell phone!
Forgot to hang up on the cops.
Torben!
Was it Torben?
Ice cream! Yummy ice cream!
The ice man is here!
Did Leo poison the punch?
Guys, we gotta hurry,
we gotta put on make-up and scram!
Bring 'em on!
Perle, come on, hurry!
No, Leo, I'm not coming!
What?
My gal and I, we're staying here!
No!
I'm not going without you--
OK, she's more into me, bye!
A mysterious virus has spread
at the Friedrich Hebbel School.
Nice to run the right school.
Honey, do you know where the keys are?
The gardener hasn't been fed for a week.
I think I left it in the office.
Heinke, get over here. You must see this.
Dear Lord. That looks awful!
I know.
We need a new TV set.
You gotta take a bite.
You take a bite!
I'm allergic to toilet brushes.
Mint?
- You idiot!
- I'm sorry!
Helmut, open up!
You insult our momma, you on your own!
Come on, let's go!
You stupid bitch!
Wait!
Fine. Use it or lose it.
This way! Faster!
Omigod, a banana peel!
To the toilet! Fast!
You can go pipi later, Torben! This way!
Let's try the toilet.
- Leo, hurry!
- Go without me! I can't make it!
Leo, of course you can! I'll help you, come!
Go to the toilet, lock the door!
- But the zombies are--
- Go without me!
Bye, see you tomorrow!
Come!
Katrin!
In the stalls!
I tell you, don't count
your chickens before they're hatched.
It's OK, Katrin.
We gotta stay strong now, OK?
Why?!
Leo was a great person.
Without him
we wouldn't have made it this far.
I think he fell on purpose...
...to stall the zombies and save our lives.
He's our hero.
You don't find many of those out there.
He said...
...I got a spider in my hair.
You hear that?
Torben!
We're walking... heads... heads... and...
You're doing great! Very good! Awesome!
And we're shaking, shaking our hand...
And we're waving, waving downwards...
Hey!
We're taking a break, everybody back.
What did I teach you,
Doc, we don't eat our CD's!
And no pop songs,
they'll get you nauseated.
Thank God you're alright!
What happened, Leo?
The question is what didn’t happen!
They were never after us to eat us!
They were just
damn hungry and not so bright anymore.
But one of them wanted to eat his arm.
I bet they thought
his anti-allergy-pills were dextrose candy.
Great!
And I ate toilet brush!
OK, I get it,
but why the hell are you dancing with them.
I had a little chat with them.
And I figured out that when you teach
them shit, their brain cells reproduce again.
If all you do is run away screaming,
what are they to learn but,
"OK, I'm a zombie, so..."
If that's the case, you gotta teach them
back everything important and they're healed?
Well, speech worked fine.
Now we're doing motor skills.
They can speak again?
Well, not these ones yet, but... Mark?
Wow, he's getting the colour back in his face.
Mark, introduce yourself to my friends, huh?
Hi, I'm Mark.
Sorry, I'm a bit confused by this circus but...
...when a cow
sitteth on the pasture, there's cake!
We have a new pope, don't we?
Some brains
need a bit longer to sort the words right.
- Thank you, Mark!
- Potato salad!
If we do this, we'll get back out.
As national heroes!
I say each of us gets a group,
then we bring
these bastards back to life, OK?
It all sounds so stupid!
I know.
But the movie's title
should have been clue enough.
I used to be a little loser,
They underestimated me.
No eating.
On YouTube I was bullied by users.
Now I'll show what I've got in me.
People, do you want to change things?
Listen and do as I do.
Inspite of ail the odds against things,
I have some good advice for you.
Vitamins. Eat. Eat!
Potato salad!
Good job, you can read now!
THE DAY AFTER THE OUTBREAK
I blacked out, they were all fucked up,
and this zombie invasion made me miss
seeing my doctor about my hail damage.
The cellulite's fucking me up every day.
I wanted to go fitness, too,
because of my annual rings,
because my jug holder
won't always be able to carry the weight.
Did you see my man?
I don't wanna go to jail!
Would someone hand him a tissue?
I have nothing to do with all this!
I regret nothing.
My ass was on the line!
This was no pony lick!
I wasn't drinking!
The only instinct they had was hunger.
Can I, can I go home?
I need booze. Booze!
You're nervous, right?
No, I'm Torben. But it's OK.
At first I didn't believe them...
Fuck!
I left my essay in the library!
Ever seen "The Walking Dead"?
That's the way it was!
They just didn't
want our brains, but our sandwiches!
Leo found that out.
Well, well, together with me... Well...
Me, uh... I found it out.
Without Leo, we'd all be dead by now.
Nah, maybe not dead,
but definitely still in that school,
and more than 24 hours in school,
I'm telling you, you wish you were dead!
Well, boy, you seem to be a real hero.
Thanks.
Hang on, are you the Leo Knows
who recently switched schools
- hoping things would get better there?
- Yes.
They should change the
school's name to "Leo Knows Much School".
- Gum?
- Thanks, I quit.
Yeah, much better that way.
Now to you, Mr. Salamanda.
Start talking.
What did you observe that day?
Mr. Salamanda, you're
preventing police work. If you please!
Mr. Salamanda, we can get bad.
Yeah...
We could flashy-thing you.
Alright.
Make your pick.
Stretching bank? Waterboarding?
Good. I'll get water and a rag.
In a sec.
Wait, wait, wait...
Mr. Salamanda...
You can't speak, can you?
You communicate just
with that little bell, right?
Mr. Salamanda...
Do you know how
this virus spread among the students?
Do you know who poisoned the students?
Mr. Salamanda...
Who poisoned the students?
He's giving us the finger!
Bitching in his pants and shitting around,
that's all these seniors are good at!
He can't even bitch around!
And we can give ourselves the finger!
Mr. Salamanda, goodbye!
Mr. Salamanda, enough! Your show's over!
Your left eye is hanging out,
but it seems you can do without.
Are you a zombie?
Donating organs would be nuts
because inside you are no guts.
Are you a zombie?
The girls, they run away and shriek
because your eye has a leak.
Are you a zombie?
But your time will come in a few days.
You're all gonna see.
Please don't ask.
Leonardus Blancus the first,
I hereby knight you today.
Leo, you saved us all.
Without you, we'd all be zombies by now.
You're the hottest stud.
Leo!
Hey, what are they doing there?
Well, you were knighted.
Dear peer... Yes, I saved the school.
And yes, the rumours are true,
I have slept with Helene Fischer.
But please, just treat me like before.
Maybe a little nicer, thank you.
Maybe we should move on.
My name is Torben!
I'm counted as a loser in this school,
although many girls have slept with me
because of my allergic reaction during sex.
Today...
...I too want to...
...be cool.
I'll begin alphabetically.
They were...
Alena, Alia, Alicia, Alina, Amelie, Andrea,
Anita, Anja, Anna, Anneke, Annika...
It was the greatest day in my life.
Finally I had what I had always wanted.
Recognition.
Respect.
Cheese.
Friends.
Well...
Almost everything.
I'll go change.
Good luck.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Did you hear about Perle and Helmut?
- No, what?
Well, Perle broke up 'cause Helmut traded
her engagement ring for a PS4 game.
That's something.
Yeah, and they're both
quite sorry they treated you so bad.
It's OK, no big deal.
Yeah. Well, what I wanted to ask you...
Well, after the spring ball
comes the summer ball, and...
Well, you go there in pairs...
And I don't have anyone go go with yet...
So I wanted to ask you...
You think Helmut would go with me?
Well, I mean,
Perle broke up with Helmut and...
Well, he might just say yes.
You think he'll say yes?
- Sure, absolutely! Yes!
- Really? Really?!
Oh, you're the best! Come here!
Best friends forever!
Dear Leo, with this letter
I wish to apologize to you.
Actually I symbolically wish to
apologize to all whom I've harmed.
I made no friends with my heinous ways.
To the contrary, I isolated myself
and thought that everyone respected me.
All along,
I pretended to be something I'm not.
You showed me how important it is
to be yourself, and not be ashamed of it.
And that's what I will do by this letter now.
Which is why I ask you,
will you go to the summer ball with me?
Yours, butterfly-stomachedly, Helmut.
And that's how
everything turned out to be my perfect day.
The day was like a hot chocolate
with crumbles on a warm, soft cookie.
If I'd known the cream topping
was heading for my school this second,
I would have cried for joy.
This is one big catch. Are you ready?
Course I'm ready.
What's wrong with you?
...Barbara, Beate, Beatrice, Berrit, Berta...
LEO KNOWS EVERYTHING SCHOOL
Good morning. Are you Heinke?
Yes?
Nice name. Keep it.
Could you please explain what's going on?
Oh, nothing, it's just that you're quite...
...sexay!
Uh, we're looking for the Elite High
School's principal, we have a warrant.
We got a warrant.
We reacted to and anonymous call and
found the chemicals in his desk that
caused the virus at the Hebbel School.
Desk caused.
- Shut up, Willi. Enough stupidity here.
- Much stupidity.
That's total bullshit.
My husband would never do such a thing.
Oh yes, yes, yes.
Where...
...is your husband...
...right now?
Leo Knows!
Professor Kraemer!
I expected you here earlier.
Your father's
a chemist! The virus is from you!
What kind of game are you playing here?
You know, always being told
you're nothing badly affects your charisma.
Sooner or later you really are nothing.
When I saw Perle, I finally
understood I have to stop being nothing.
She wants to get a tattoo.
And guess whose name is on it?
Leo is a loser!
I tried several things.
But the solution was there all along.
A few tests proved
that the virus worked perfectly,
without damaging the human brain any
more than a full intoxication would anyway.
The incubation time was about 12 hours.
So the spring ball
was the perfect place for my plan.
I mixed the drops into my pork
and called it "Blue Mett"!
One bite was enough to get infested.
By the way, I had nothing
to do with vodka getting into the punch.
And the nice part is,
the virus is curable.
And it has no effect on the stupid,
so you see, these students aren't that dumb.
And that's why you don't
put a real mole in a "mole cake", OK?
It's been proven that all the infested are
now smarter and more motivated than before.
You know, sometime you have to
trim the tips to make hair grow faster.
And now it's #LeoIsAHero.
That sounded so recited.
POTATO SALAD - SCREENPLAY
It was. But what the hell.
Leo, stay here!
I'm telling this all to the police!
You're not getting away
with this, you maggot, you'll see!
Et 3, et 4, et 5, et 6,
et sex, uh... 7, et 8,
I gotta answer that!
Non, non, non, cheri,
we finish exercise first, capisce?
- But it could be an emergency!
- Non!
Et 8, et 9, et 10, et 11, et 12...
Due to an...
...emergency...
...the emercency...
...station is...
...temporarily...
...not available.
We thank you...
...for your...
...appreciation.
God dammit!
Yes! Great!
I'll tell them in person now!
You're gonna see what happens!
Yeah, who are they
gonna believe, the new mayor or...
...the bad guy?
Leo, you're changing schools!
You framed me!
Yeah... After all the years
you put me down and bullied me...
You're nothing! You're a shame to my
school, you'll never amount to anything!
You're a shame to humanity,
a shame to the word "shame"!
I framed you, yeah.
- Professor Kraemer?
- Yes?
- You're under arrest.
- What?!
You have the right to remain silent. Whatever
you say can and will be used against you.
We will prove that you've been adorning
yourself for quite a while with borrowed...
...laurels.
That you've been running a black list
to drive your weak students here and then...
...eliminate them with a virus.
You got neither hide or hair of real evidence!
We do.
The hair.
Game over, professor!
I'm calling my lawyer!
That's among your rights.
I'm gonna gut you all!
That is not among your rights. And now...
Zip it, Zippy. Take him away.
- Bye!
- Dude, what was all that?
It's all cool.
I'm gonna get back to sports,
then I'll get in my car
and rise away, the camera will crane up,
an emotional conclusion will be
narrated and music will kick in.
Here we go!
Call me.
Frauke, Frida, Frederike, Gabi, Gerda,
Gertrud, Gesa, Gisela, Gritt, Hannah,
Heidi, Heike, Helena, Helene, Helga...
So if you have the same problem I had,
deal with it like I did. Poison your peers
with some... No wait, I can't say that.
Nah...
But what I can say is, believe in yourself,
be yourself, and most of all,
don't let anybody label you.
And don't label
others either. Goes without saying.
"I know who it was. It was..."
OK, Mr. Salamanda, let's carry on.
You already stole enough of our time.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L...
Write that down. Write the L down. Today!
I already cracked the case,
this is a pure waste of time here.
A, B, C, D, E...
OK, an E. Write it. Write it. Moving on.
A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q...
OK, a P. "Lep".
What kind of name
is that?! He's fucking with us!
I've had it!
Are you all fucking retarded here?!
Oh, by the way, um...
Mrs. Martens, I've heard of her.
She's said to be badass.
Could you say that loud for everyone?
Oh fuck, dude, sorry!
Perle broke up
because Helmut traded her...
Yes, Perle broke up
because helmet...
OK, extras back to 1, still rolling.
Listen up! Hey!
Get back down, listen to me!
Nobody - insults - the woman...
What is that?!
OK, cut! Abort!
Good morning!
No mourning!
- Cut. Dude, Torge!
- Fuck!
Perle broke up because Helmut traded
her engagement ring for a PS4 game!
What?! Locker room's
so 2014! Go to the retros, OK?
Embarrassing, ey.
Cut, thank you.
You must be Leo Knows,
the kid who drowned the kit... Oh, sorry!
Who drowned the kittens?!
Just now in the schoolyard, I saw it!
I think I need some booze.
Good, cut. Thank you.
Dude!
Sabine, Sandrine, Sara, Sarah with an H,
Sandra,
and... Sascha.
THE END
TV-Series Collection from Steffen of Nine