Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016) Movie Script

E, E, E, E, E.

Then I would go to, like, a G.

And these are all just power chords.

Hey, how you doing?

You're tuned in to Style Boyz television.

I'm just sparking up.

Style Boyz radio hour.

Sparking up this French fry.

K-F-F-F-R.

I am French Fry Guy.

Hello.

No! French Fry Guy!

I am French Fry Guy.

Not again!

Cut!

Yeah!

Style Boyz.

Me likey that

When a genie grants wishes

About girls blowing kisses

And your momma

doing dishes

Me likey that

Okay.

Where to start?

Ever since I was born,

I was dope.

Honey.

Oh, my gosh, sweetie!

I loved music,

and as soon as I could,

I started a band with my two best friends,

Owen and Lawrence.

The Style Boyz.

Right away,

people noticed us

because our lyrics were beautiful

and insightful, poetic even.

You're a motherfucking,

titty-sucking Two-balled bitch

With a popcorn pussy

And a full-on dick

Style Boyz in the house

And we give a fuck

So whip out your nuts

And shut the fuck up...

The thing about the Style Boyz

is that their chemistry and their

friendship was really authentic.

You know, you could tell that they

were really friends with each other.

They were hot.

Before you knew it,

we signed with a major label

and put out our first single,

Karate Guy.

One, two,

three, four.

I like to kick it,

I'm a karate guy

Kiya, kiya

Kiya...

Karate Guy?

Are you kidding me, man?

That song

changed my life.

Now I'm in

a cowboy hat

Yee-haw, yee-haw

Now I'm in

a cowboy hat

Yee-haw, yee-haw

Now I'm in

three cowboy hats

Yee-haw

Kid Contact.

He handled the beatsand the music.

Kid Brain, you know,

he did all the lyrics.

And then, Conner,

he was the charismatic one.

The one who brought it

all together.

You tell me you didn't see him and say,

"Yo, he's the star."

Things definitely

started to get complicated.

I couldn't help it

if the world chose me.

Take one.

You want me

to look here?

Pretty funny, right?

Be original.

Be fearless.

I love my

White Butt Jeans.

As my star kept burning brighter,

some stood by me.

Others couldn't

take the heat.

We broke up

the next day.

I went solo,

and Owen became my DJ.

Lawrence quit

the music biz altogether.

And our DJ, Francis,

moved to Japan to hunt dolphins,

like a dickhead.

But it turned out all of that

was just a blessing in disguise

because it turned me into Conner4Real.

I dropped my first album.

And what can I say? It was a smash.

And I owed it all to my fans,

who I share everything with.

Yo, brushing my teeth.

Yo, I just ate

a taco.

It's Conner's Confessions,

hoverboard edition.

Oh, fuck.

Dude.

Yo, just got

my butt waxed.

That shit hurt.

He's painfully honest with his fans,

probably too honest, really, like...

But they

love him for it.

Yo, just jacked it.

Um... Feeling pretty

mellow right now.

Doink de doink.

I think he's incredible.

He really is the real deal.

My fans and me,

we're in love.

My songs are love letters,

and the arena is our bedroom.

The stage...

The stage is where we fuck.

Watch out

Watch out...

It's Conner!

Bar none,

I am the most humblest

Number one at the top

of the humble list

My apple crumble is by far

The most crumblest

But I act like it tastes bad

out of humbleness

The thing about me

that's so impressive

Is how infrequently

I mention all of my successes

I poo-poo it When girls say

that I should model

My belly's full from all

the pride I swallow

I've got it all

And I'm getting more

Adam Levine's hologram!

But I never fall

Beat them all

'Cause you know I'm so humble

So expensive.

I'm so humble

I'm not your normal

definition of a rock star

I don't complain

When my private jet is subpar

Your mom's old But I'll ask

if she's your sister

People say I'm charming

But I beg to differ

I feel more humble

Than Dikembe Mutombo

After a stumble left him

covered In a big pot of gumbo

I guess, in a way,

being gracious Is my weakness

People say I'm so

unpretentious For a genius

I've got it all

And I'm getting more

But I never fall

Beat them all

'Cause you know

I'm so humble

I say that

with no ego.

I'm so humble

Watch out

I'm So Humble,

I instantly connected with that

because I'm probably

the most humble person that I know.

Yeah, well, it's a pretty

exciting time right now.

Conner's second album,

his second solo album, CONNquest,

is dropping in two weeks.

And then we go

on the world tour.

Harry, get in here, man.

I've been Conner's manager

since back with the Style Boyz.

It used to be the four of us

riding around in a van.

But, uh, with success,

our family had to get a little bit bigger.

Sure, Conner surrounds himself

with people who are agreeable.

I wouldn't call them yes men.

- Whoo!

- Money!

- Oh!

It went in! It went in!

You a murderer, son!

Well, Conner currently has 32 people

on his personal payroll.

He has a personal assistant,

a party coordinator, an ab trainer,

basketball coach,

an eyebrow specialist,

sneaker jockey,

two umbrella wranglers,

a weed roller, a weed holder,

a turtle sitter for Maximus, scarf caddy...

...a guy who punches him

in the nuts

so that he remembers where he came from...

- You're right.

...a perspective

manipulator...

Oh! That's a guy who's, uh,

slightly shorter than Conner

who he pays to stand near him at

events to make him look taller.

You know, back in my

high school days I was in a band.

You may have heard of them,

called Tony! Toni! Tone! Tonee?

We broke up over

creative differences.

Each Tony had an exclamation

point after their name,

and I thought my name

should have a question mark.

So it would be T ony!

Toni! Tone! Tonee?

In hindsight,

it was not my best decision,

but that led me to Conner.

So who's laughing now?

Here you go, buddy.

Ow, dude! You bit me, Max.

This is my best

friend Maximus.

My mom gave him to me

when I was nine years old,

like, right after

my dad died.

I feel like he's, like, the closest thing

I've ever had

to, like, a little brother

or something.

If I had, like, a mute brother

that was hella scaly.

As a hatchling,

the doctors said

that he had been diagnosed

with soggy bones syndrome

and that he was not gonna make

it past, like, six months,

but that was 20 years ago.

You're my best friend.

Don't tell Owen.

Come on up here.

This is Owen's world right here.

This is where

I keep all my gear.

This is one of the earliest synths I ever got.

It's a DX7. This is a classic.

Oh, Conner's show?

No, no. In Conner's show I just use this.

It's a iPod, 60 gigs, so, you know,

I can fit the entire show

and, uh, plus, like, a bunch of dope

audio books, you know.

It was year three at Hogwarts,

and Harry was worried

it would never get any easier.

Harry P.

You know,

a lot of people ask me that.

They say, like,

"Is it weird for you

"to be playing

the background now

"'cause, you know,

you used to be in Style Boyz?"

And I always say,

"No, man, not at all!"

Because I... I could never do what

Conner does, you know?

Look, I'm a perfectionist.

My first album sold four million copies,

so this one has to sell more.

And that's why

I take this so seriously,

you know, and I live

for this music.

And...

It can't go away.

That's why I personally wrote

every song on this record,

and I used over 100 producers

for just 17 tracks,

to guarantee

that they're all hits.

I made a lot of the beats

on the first record,

but on this one Conner said he really

wanted to branch out.

It's good for him

to grow, you know.

And, also, I played him a bunch of my beats,

and he was like, "No."

What's up, y'all?

Got a hot new single coming.

It addresses

some social issues

that I think

are being ignored,

so keep your eyes

peeled for that.

We're gonna be surprise-releasing it

next Thursday at noon...

Uh...

And that's it.

Discrimination

It ain't right

I'm not gay But if I was,

I would want equal rights

I'm not gay But if I were,

I would marry who I like

It's not fair

I'm not gay

That the government has a say

In who can love who, not gay

Or to which god you

can pray I'm not gay

It gets me so angry On behalf of them,

I feel passionate

Not gay So I pray for them,

and I say for them

We need to make a change

Not gay

I see it clear as day This area is

not gray, titties

We need equality

And for all to see

That this is the new way

Not gay

Just seems, not gay

Wrong, not gay

That no one seems to care

Sports

We can't continue

to pretend

This not gay madness

has to end Not gay

I was born this way...

Straight...

You were born your way...

Gay...

Gay or straight,

Straight or gay

It's all okay...

Sure...

It's time to make a change...

Yes...

Time to stop the hate...

Uh...

'Cause who you are is beautiful...

Not gay...

Lying in bed next to 10

beautiful girls All straight

And while I made

love to every one of them

I was thinking about

the world Hot wings

True love trumps all

Predator

Flying kicks, not gay

Big watch, not gay

Missionary, one love Gym socks,

nunchuck, not gay

Lighter fluid,

HD, ninja, world peace

Four-wheel drive,

gay marriage, love beave

Free love, golf club, two guys,

not gay, rainbow, muff dive

Harvey Milk,

Sean Penn, not gay

Drum solo, courtside seats,

safe sex

One-armed pushups

Lynyrd Skynyrd

I'm not gay

I'm not, not, not gay

I'm not gay

I was born this way...

I'm straight...

You were born your way...

You're gay...

Gay or straight,

Straight or gay

It's all okay... And now it time

for sexual freedom for all

Time to make a change...

Sexual freedom for all...

Time to stop the hate...

Sexual freedom for all...

'Cause who you are

is beautiful

Sexual freedom

for all, not gay

He's writing a song

for gay marriage.

You know, like it's not allowed.

It's allowed now.

Usually, I don't like

to read reviews, but I'm just excited.

Like, I can't... I can't wait.

I wanna know how people feel about it,

and I wanna know how much they love it,

so, uh, here we go.

Um...

Well, it's Pitchfork.

It's... They gave it a negative review.

No, like it's a negative four

out of 10. Positive 10, I assume.

Pitchfork can be kind of pretentious,

though, so...

What?

You ain't gonna

knock my hustle.

Let's look at another one.

Let's pull it up. Rolling Stone.

Okay, um...

Out of four possible stars,

Rolling Stone has

given it the shit emoji.

I can only assume

it's a mess-up, you know.

They must have had

a problem with their, um...

No, this seems like the right score

for how they're saying this.

You know what?

Let just do a search.

"CONNquest review."

Oh, here we go.

Here we go.

"CONNquest a triumph."

That's a good one. Let me read it.

This is on The Onion.

So, you know, mixed.

Let's call it mixed reviews.

So first you're in a group.

You introduce us to the Style Boyz,

and Donkey Roll, of course,

we play the hell out of that.

Yeah.

That's a hit for us, man.

And then, Conner,

you get that breakout moment.

You get a phone call

from Claudia Cantrell.

The one and only.

And she asks you

for a verse, man,

on her song

Turn Up the Beef.

Turn up the Beef

Throw your

body on the flame

But you take

that moment,

and instead of just,

like, kicking

a regular verse... You know what

I'm saying?

You did something

a little different.

The "catchphrase" verse,

as it's now known. Yeah.

Oh. Yeah, yeah.

Hello.

I had been working on a catchphrase...

Mmm-hmm.

...but what had happened was I

just thought of so many dope ones

that I was like,

"What if I put them all into the verse?"

Turn up the beef

- It's Conner, bitch

Yeah, he said so many words

I didn't know.

That was

a game-changing moment.

Usually one

catchphrase in a hit.

He dropped, like,

30 on us in one night.

Shit was crazy.

Conner4Real

Immediately, I said,

"Man, this guy right here, he's gonna make it big!"

Because when you have

a catchphrase,

the world is catched

by your phrase.

You fast forward.

Things start to happen, man.

You get the Pop Music Award,

and now,

here come those

offers of a solo contract.

Yeah. How'd the other Style Boyz

feel about that?

You know, they took it fine.

Mmm-hmm.

Owen is my DJ and my best friend.

That's good, man.

And Lawrence lives

on a farm now, so...

Hold on. Lawrence Dunn

is a farmer?

My name

is Lawrence Dunn.

I used to be in the Style Boyz.

Now I'm a farmer.

Being out here

in nature,

away from all the people

and the trappings of modern life,

it's so peaceful.

There nothing like it. Ohh!

I've never been happier.

Uh... So, yeah, this is, uh,

all my woodwork.

It's kind of my passion,

uh, my hobby.

This is a nice piece.

It's called

Government in Crisis

for obvious reasons.

This one's a mask.

It's still me.

It's a hat.

You know, we were going places as a band.

We had plans as a band.

Style Boyz, that's three guys, not two.

It doesn't work with two.

You know,

it's like a tricycle.

You take away one of the wheels,

what have you got?

Nothing. A bicycle.

Don't use that.

Look, we had a good run, you know.

We had a few hits.

But it had run its course,

you know.

It was time

for us to all move on.

Get over it.

When the Style Boyz

broke up...

Damn.

The only other time

I remember being that sad

was when they killed Josh

Charles on The Good Wife.

I'm a Style Boy for life

Y'all ready for this?

Yeah.

Okay. Welcome to the future, bitches.

That's Conner's song.

Whoa!

Okay, both sides.

Okay.

It's fun, right?

- Yeah.

You know, it's my favorite.

I like the freezer one.

Listen to this, homies.

We can upload your entire album

to fridges, washer-dryers,

blenders,

and microwaves

across the country.

You could do that?

Yes, nerd.

It's just Wi-Fi jibber jabber.

It's not a big deal.

Nobody doing appliance shit,

my nigga.

Ain't that right, my nigger?

No one is doing appliance shit.

Okay,

went with the hard "r."

This is that next,

next, next, man.

I told you all,

Deborah's a genius.

It's true, and it is

also pronounced "Deboarrah."

"Deboarrah." Oh, that's very cool.

- "Deboarrah."

What's the origin

of that?

Uh, I believe Deborah.

That was ridiculous.

Right? Oh, my God, yes,

that was insane.

I mean, who would wanna listen

to music that way?

Swag.

- I know it's kind of weird,

but Aquaspin's gonna help us

get the music out there, man.

I mean... You don't think people are

gonna have a problem

when music just

appears in their houses?

Look, I know

it sounds lame,

but there's no such thing

as selling out anymore, man.

This is how big

business works.

I mean, nowadays,

if you don't sell out,

people will wonder

if nobody asked you to.

Right.

But look, dude,

if you're not comfortable with it,

we could rethink it.

No, man, it's cool.

It's cool.

All right, cool.

Let's get in the car.

This jacket's making

me sweat my ass off.

Yeah, it's fucking hot

as shit out here.

- Welcome to the car, Conner.

- AC.

Did you say Macy's?

- AC.

Did you say Macy's?

Macy's? Macy's?

- Air conditioning.

Sometimes Conner just gets an idea,

and he runs with it, you know,

and he's right, like,

99.9% of the time,

so you've just got to trust

that he knows what he's doing.

So I understand why he, you know,

did the whole Aquaspin thing.

Touring is expensive today.

Why you think I do the A$ap Crunchables?

This is Gary Sikes.

This is the label photographer.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

All right. There we go. Yeah.

All right. Got the two of you.

Great. Okay.

Can I have a little

separation, please?

Oh wait.

Hang on, Gary.

You're not trying to break up the

dream team, are you?

No, no, no.

Just trying to get the logo.

May I... May I touch you?

Yeah, yeah.

Just slide down just a little bit.

Schooch you down like that.

A little pressure.

There we go.

I still see your shadow a little bit on him.

If you don't mind...

Okay...

- You're still in it. You're still in it.

Conner. Nice.

Yeah, same thing.

Nice. Yeah.

Here you go, Paula.

Thank you.

Hey, how's the Pop Music

Award thing coming?

Good. I've called producers.

I'm waiting to hear back.

Please stay on them because you

know how important it is to him.

I'd love to get

Conner to the point where

people forget

that he's a musician.

Where he's just kind of

everywhere like oxygen or gravity

or clinical depression.

He's just everywhere.

Conner!

Hey!

Oh!

Ashley Wednesday,

star of the blockbuster Cube Theorem franchise,

was spotted with

pop rapper Conner4Real,

leaving the exclusive

New York City nightclub... last night.

Okay. Let's go, kids.

Time to go home in your fun car.

Ash and I have been hanging

out for about six months now,

and I've got to say,

she's the total package.

Well, when I was little,

I would spend hours

looking at famous

couples in magazines.

Us Weekly, People,

and everybody's speculating.

"Are they a real couple,

or are they just for publicity?"

And I knew that

when I grew up,

I wanted to be one

of those couples.

Five, four, three,

two, one!

Last night, popstar Conner4Real's

new album CONNquest

was released...

...on all

Aquaspin appliances.

Millions of unsuspecting

Americans turned on their toasters...

You can't do

that to people.

Yo, Conner4Real,

you suck, dude!

Whoo!

The President calling

the popstar a real dumb...

The only reason

he put it in appliances

is 'cause no one was gonna

buy his shit album.

He released his record

with a dishwashing company?

They did this big launch,

and it was all wireless or something.

I don't know. But it came out of every

appliance in my house,

and I was just like,

"I hate Conner4Real."

For real.

But seriously,

let's be nice to Conner4Real

'cause he seems

like a good guy.

Uh, I don't think so.

Come on!

Well, the overnight numbers

were not what we were expecting.

They were pretty low.

But it's still early.

Yeah, some people are saying

that the Aquaspin thing

was an invasion

of privacy,

so it's just a little

bump in the road.

Um...

He's dealing with it.

Conner, you okay,

buddy?

Maybe the numbers

were wrong, you know.

Like, Bonkohub had

a computer virus or something.

You know, you could be right.

I'll have Jay look into it.

So what are we talking?

Like, 150, 200, or...

Mmm...

Sixty-five thousand.

Well, that is not where we wanted to be,

but not bad for the day.

Actually, Conner,

that's for the week.

Estimated.

Sixty-five?

For the week?

Can... Can you...

Hey, can you guys give

us a second here?

Thank you.

It's the first day

of tour, baby!

Whoo!

I know Conner's bumming right now,

but his concert is amazing.

When this thing

goes off and he's out there,

I mean, it's just a spectacle.

It's enormous.

Yeah, my name is Zippy.

I'm the guitar tech on the tour.

Shit. Shit.

I make sure all the

instruments are tip-top.

I love the road. You know,

this is kind of a perfect job for me,

but my favorite free time

thing is flat-lining.

Heart rate dropping.

Flatlining is when you technically

lower your heart rate until, um...

Well, you're dead.

He's still dropping.

- Then you can catch a glimpse

of the afterlife. Got the idea

from the film Flatliners,

Joel Schumacher film

shot by Jan de Bont.

You know, I try to fit in a

F-line sesh at least once a week.

Two, one.

Hit him. Clear!

Oh, whoa!

Did I shit my pants?

Not this time.

To Conner!

My mom means well.

She had her own dreams of

becoming a star back in the day,

and she gave it up

to have me,

so I really owe her for that,

and I'm lucky to have her support.

You wanna go first?

I'll go first.

Okay, you go first.

Kids first, and then moms.

Oh, my God,

that is so fun!

Hello, my name is Tyrus Quash, and I

do the food service on Conner's tours.

So these are carrots

eight different ways.

You have your triangles, shaved,

obelisks, natural, julienne...

As the French

like to call it...

"Julienne." I think that's how they say it.

Conner's very specific

when it comes to food,

and it brings me great joy to see

him love the treats that I prepare.

Yeah! Connor!

Finest girl I

ever met In my whole life

Wanna take her home

Make her my wife

Knew she was a freak

When she started talking

She said, "Fuck me

Like we fucked bin Laden"

Whoa

That girl was a freak

She said she wanted me to fuck

her Harder than the military

Fucked bin Laden

She wanted to fuck me

Harder than the US government

Fucked bin Laden

She was a

freaky kind of girl

Kept up on current events

From all around the world

More specifically one event

The time Osama bin Laden

Got shot in the head

She said, "Do me like that"

But I couldn't track the metaphor

That said, I can see you

horny Like a Stegosaur

That said, again,

your request Is so irregular

She put on a beard I started

looking at the exit door

Then a turban,

then a tunic

She said, "Invade my cave

With your special unit"

I said, "He wasn't in a cave"

But there was no stopping

She demanded

that I fuck her like we

Fucked bin Laden

She wanted to fuck me

Harder than the US government

Fucked bin Laden

This girl requested intercourse

To bring her to climax

With the clinical efficiency

Of the assassination

Of bin Laden

You're harboring a fugitive

That ass

And my justice will be

punitive Imma smash

Night vision They can

see us through my GoPro

She tried to negotiate

I said that's a no-no

Now I'm creeping in her

bedroom like, "Go, go"

She tells me to go low

Then looks down

and says I've got to

Terrorize that pussy

Got to terrorize that pussy

So I did it

Improvised some crazy shit...

It's fucking awful.

Conner's music may not be what

I listen to in my free time,

but it seems to make

so many people money.

Mona Lisa You're

an overrated piece of shit

Can someone explain

Why the whole wide world

Is obsessed with

a Garbage Pail Kid

Looks like

a Garbage Pail Kid

Y'all have been so amazing.

Thank you so much.

What a beautiful night.

Everybody in the front, make some noise.

Now everybody on the sides,

make some noise.

Now everybody way up in the

upper deck, make some noise.

Conner,

I love you! I love you!

Harry, what the hell?

First of all, this is an

18,000-seat arena.

Nobody sells this out. You sold 15,000

seats. That's still really good.

No, it's not good.

Hammerleg sold this place out last week.

Well, Aquaspin

agrees with you.

They're concerned

about ticket sales.

What? But it's an 18,000 seat place.

Nobody sells that out.

Hammerleg did last week.

Look, the low record sales

are making them nervous.

They wanna bring

on an opening act.

What? We have an opening act.

Owen DJs.

Hey, I'm always saying

Style Boyz could be the opener.

No, man.

Will you stop with that?

Dude, people keep blowing up my

Twitter about us doing Donkey Roll.

Oh, they're blowing up your Twitter?

- Yeah.

How many followers

do you have, Owen?

Like 500,000.

Okay, well, I got 20 million, and no

one's asking me to do that shit, so...

Some of those

are probably bots.

Okay, look, guys,

regardless,

we still have to decide

on an opening act.

Man! All right, fine.

Does anybody have ideas?

One, but you are

gonna like it.

Wait. Did you say

"are" or "aren't"?

Are.

Yeah! You know I'm a

motherfucking piece of shit.

Say,

"Fuck you, Hunter!"

Fuck you, Hunter!

Say, "Fuck you, Hunter!"

Fuck you, Hunter!

Let's go.

Stomping through the forest

Like a retarded Tyrannosaurus

Hunter eating beefcakes

In the back of a Ford Taurus

Fuck the chorus

Fuck my moms

Fuck your dad

Fuck this song

Hunter the Hungry is one of those

rappers who just doesn't give a fuck.

People think

that he ain't crazy.

No, he crazy for real.

I seen him backstage.

He wasn't smoking the blunt.

He was just eating it.

I mean Hunter's the youth, you know.

He's... He's what's next.

I'm talking our crew!

Oh!

Conner4Real in the flesh?

Hey, yo!

It's... It's an honor

to meet you, man.

CONNquest, Style Boyz,

I grew up off that shit, man.

Thanks. I wanna be you,

kind of, but not white.

Like black still,

'cause it's strong.

It's a strong color.

For sure, yeah.

Like, you are that dude.

Like, have you met you?

Have you met you?

You? Have you met you?

Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying?

This is crazy.

You be you.

You don't want me to be all that

'cause I'll tear

some shit up.

You know how it is?

- That is great...

Hell, yeah! We gonna

turn up a show up here!

Oh, don't hurt me.

- You know how it is!

- Okay.

But seriously, man.

I'm real honored, dawg.

I'm not gonna let you down.

You my idol,

right next to Jesus and Morgan Freeman.

All right, sure.

- Yeah.

Yeah, bitch! What up?

I like him.

Where'd you get the cayenne?

Get off my basil.

No, dawg. That's my basil, too.

Get off my basil, dude.

That's my basil.

That's my basil, too.

- Come on, dude.

And chives, son! And chives! Watch

me kill this deer real quick.

Oh.

What? You can do that?

- That's deer meat, son.

That's deer meat, bitch.

- Whoa, dude.

What is this crazy shit?

Oh, dude!

That's your new head.

What?

I had it specially

made for you, man.

I took the measurements

while you were sleeping.

It's like on some

futuristic EDM shit.

We did the research,

and EDM is hot.

Robots on ecstasy

and shit.

Daft Punk, deadmau5,

DJ Tommy Pizza.

Oprah Spinfrey,

Vinyl Ritchie, R2-LSD2,

Ecstasy-3PO, LSD-3PO, Elton John.

All those dudes are crushing.

- Look at all these functions.

- Yeah.

It's like a Lite-Brite,

but it's moving.

Oh, and check this out.

Oh, wow! It goes all

the way up there.

All the way, man.

It's like a beacon to space.

And, plus,

it makes this sound.

Wow!

Why would it

make that sound?

I don't even know,

but it's nice to know that it's

there if you need it, you know.

Yeah.

Yo, helmet's dope.

Looks like the tip

of Optimus Prime's dick.

See? Don't you wanna

look like Optimus Prime?

His dick?

Fuck, yeah!

Fuck, yeah! Yeah, man...

I don't know.

Owen, please? Please, please

wear the helmet, Owen.

Come on, man. The show really needs it.

Please, man.

I mean, if it'll help the tour.

Yes.

Yeah. Dude, we're killing this!

Well, howdy, ma'am

We're the two banditos...

Having Hunter aboard

has really energized the tour.

Tickets are selling.

Hunter is the shit.

Aw! I love you, too, man.

Dude!

Get off me, dude!

Yeah, you know

we're two banditos

Yeah, you know

we're two banditos

Do a little dance

and drink a little water

Putting that helmet on Owen's head,

that was a brilliant gimmick.

I wish I'd done that

with Zayn.

We could've kept him

in One Direction for years.

Prank time!

Pranks is where it's at.

You know what I'm saying?

Like, you've got

to have fun on tour, yo.

Rise and shine, dude.

You know he's got

that sense of humor

where it's like,

"Stop now, please." "Please stop."

But he keeps on going.

"Please stop doing this."

Eat a lot of burritos While

we're fucking bald eagles

Let's go back to the

chorus, dude Okay

We're two cute

little kittens

Yeah, we're two cute

little kittens

Yeah, we're two cute little

kittens Shut the fuck up

Con ner, did you take a shit

in the Anne Frank House?

Do not go in there.

Whoo!

Ace Ventura.

I fucked your first

cousin with the didgeridoo

And when she came

You know, it sounded like...

This is my new

best friend right here!

This my nigga!

Yeah, he's my friend!

All right,

listen up, everybody.

First of all, I wanna say congratulations

on a great show tonight.

- Yeah.

- For the last eight shows,

we have been sold out!

It's like I was... I feel like

it's finally just clicking.

Yeah.

Hey, we are on a roll, baby.

Yeah.

Is it helping album sales?

It's got to be, right?

You know how it is,

you know.

Sometimes, it takes a while for

the marketplace to catch up.

Don't worry.

Definitely helping Hunter.

This dude's album

just went gold.

Gold?

For real.

How's that even...

That's a mistake, right?

Our shit

hasn't even gone gold.

Look, he's just having

a moment. That's all.

Well, how come

I'm not having a moment?

You've had

tons of moments.

Don't worry.

There's plenty to go around.

Yo! Shout out to T.I.

in the house.

What's up, soldier?

What's up, Ka-el? Okay.

Y'all, my man Hunter the

Hungry is in the house.

Y'all make some noise!

What's up, Ka-el?

Yo! Y'all wanna hear the hottest

song on the streets right now?

Yeah!

Stomping through the

forest Like a retarded Tyrannosaurus

Hunter eating beefcakes In

the back of a Ford Taurus...

Look, man, Conner got all the way to

the top of this business, you know,

and the higher you get, the harder

you fall. I mean, ask any coconut.

Thing is, is that Conner's never

been as good as with the Style Boyz.

Whatever him and Lawrence

were beefing over,

they need to figure out

a way to squash it.

Ever since Style Boyz broke up,

Lawrence has been mad at me.

He claims he wrote my

famous catchphrase verse.

Translation,

he's a jealous-ass hater

who's mad that I blew up, and he's

a farmer out in bumfuck nowhere,

but, you know,

we all have our take.

Uh, this one here,

this is my Poppy.

Uh...

It's what I got for writing

Conner's famous catchphrase verse.

If you look close,

you'll notice that it's not real

because I didn't get a Poppy

or credit of any kind.

But there is one person that

I absolutely have to thank,

and that person is me.

Me, myself, and I! I did it all by myself.

Nobody helped me.

So, yeah,

that's my Poppy.

I mean,

if he's so great,

how come he's not

making anything, you know?

Nothing's stopping him from going

out and writing a bunch of hits.

After the Style Boyz,

I tried some solo projects,

but none of them

really took off.

Old boots,

paper towels Shop girl, unknown fellow

Deodorant, house keys

Sweatshirt, and umbrella

A golf club,

basketball, bug spray

A laundry heap,

a pocket knife, a battery

These are the things

in my Jeep

These are the things

in my Jeep

I didn't really

relate to that song

because, you know,

I had different things

in my Jeep than

he had in his Jeep.

I don't think Conner's living

real life. I think he's in a bubble

with people telling him what he wants

to hear and kissing his ass all day.

I heard he's getting

into stage gimmicks now.

He's got Owen in

a helmet looking dumb,

and one where

he sings from a toilet.

Someone should've told him

that shit is whack,

but he's so afraid of failure, man.

He's just getting desperate.

Let's try it again.

Oh!

Oh, it snagged.

What's up, my confidants?

Be sure to come through to my show tonight.

I'm trying a brand new

magic trick.

You know they said

it couldn't be done.

That the trick that

was designed for a woman,

and my junk would

get all tangled,

but I figured out

how to solve it.

I think if I just

tuck it all back.

See you tonight.

Let's go.

Hey!

What is this, y'all?

I said upscale.

You took me to outer space.

What do you say we take

it back down to Earth?

Whoo!

What?

This almost looks like something

that a cowboy might wear.

Are y'all looking

at my chaps?

But enough horsing around.

Let's take this uptown.

How about a good old fashioned tuxedo?

There is no substitute.

Top of the world!

Oh, shit.

No, no. It's tucked. I shaved for

the trick. Don't post those pics.

As they approach

the end of the dark forest...

It's an illusion. It's tucked.

I tuck it back.

Conner, just hold on.

Don't post those.

It's a tuck and take.

I don't know what

to do right now.

I wanna show you all my dick

but I can't show you my dick.

It's a great conundrum.

Holy shit, dude.

Where the fuck was your dick, dawg?

What happened out there?

What happened to the trick?

Conner, don't worry.

Nobody saw anything.

I wish they had

seen something.

Now, there's 10,000 people

that think I got no dick.

Wait. You guys know I have a dick, right?

- Yes.

- You do. You do.

- Yeah, it's just that...

I've always

believed you had a dick.

Right, right, right.

But like where was it, though?

Because that

motherfucker was gone.

We've gone over this.

You know I've got

to tuck my shit back

so it doesn't get tangled

up in the garments.

That makes perfect sense.

Of course.

You've got to put it

in between your legs.

Conner, don't worry about it.

You were up there for, like, 10 seconds.

Ten seconds is

an eternity, Harry.

It's a third of

the way to Mars.

Conner, we've

talked about this.

Thirty Seconds to Mars is the

name of a band. It's not a fact.

Look, thank you, dawg,

because this shit was hilarious, man.

Well, I'm so glad that I

could entertain you, Hunter.

You wouldn't happen to know

anything about this, would you?

Oh! I wish.

This is like genius prank

shit right here. Next level.

You would have to be the

best prankster of all time

to think of

something like this,

and, well, shit, that's me.

Maybe I did do it.

No, I didn't do it,

or did I?

No, I didn't,

or maybe I did

not

do it.

Did you?

I didn't do it, or I did.

Who knows? I don't.

Conner, don't worry. Don't worry.

This is not news.

What the fuck?

- Son...

The timing of that

was crazy.

They should call

him NoDick4Real.

Whoa!

It was tucked, Linda.

It's part of the show.

No. No, don't print that.

- Everywhere I look. It's insane.

Now it's on the front

page of USA Today,

the most respected

newspaper in the world.

Sweetie, relax. All we

need is a different story

to wipe it out of the press cycle.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay, so what?

What do we do?

Anything.

Release a new single.

Get a crazy haircut, or, uh, take

an ugly teenager to the prom.

All good ideas.

Let's keep thinking about it,

and I'm gonna go tweet

a picture of my dick.

Okay, don't

really do that.

Man, I just think it's gonna

really change people's perception of me

in a good, positive way,

and also I'm really glad about the

fact that we'll get married, too,

'cause I like her so much.

- Conner, what's going on?

- You'll see.

- Oh, my God! Is that music?

- Yeah.

Almost there and...

Uh-huh.

You ready?

Mmm-hmm.

Are those

real wolves?

Yeah.

Conner.

My psychic told me

that, in my previous life, I was a wolf,

which makes

so much sense,

but I can't believe

that Conner remembered.

And you invited the press.

Yeah.

I landed in

London at a quarter to noon

Oh, my God, is that Seal?

Yeah.

What is this?

What's going on?

I know she's exquisite

So I had to visit

Pushed my back to

the front of the door

Ever since I met you,

I knew in my heart that

you were super banging.

Ashley Wednesday

Hey, dude, you've got to kill this music.

The wolves are going crazy.

I can't stop Seal

from singing.

With impeccable style

All right, can we get the

wolves to be more quiet?

No.

Ashley Wednesday,

will you marry me?

Please freaking

say yes, girl

Yes. Yes.

The wolves are loose!

- Look out!

- Shit!

Shit. Okay.

Oh, God!

Move! Run now!

Jesus Christ,

we got wild animals everywhere...

My God!

Get on!

Seal, come on!

Hurry!

Are you okay?

I'm fine. For a second...

Seal!

Seal! Shit!

Oh!

Oh, my God,

you got him, dude!

Don't worry.

I've been in this situation before.

How do you think

I got these scars?

From wolves?

Fucking wolves.

Now let's get out of here.

What the fuck?

Go! Go!

Go!

We killed Seal. He's dead!

He's dead!

Seal is dead!

Conner4Real is being sued

by R&B singer Seal for $5 million.

Why would he

do that to Seal?

Conner4Real is

such a joke.

He disappointed all of us.

I mean like...

Did you see

that proposal?

Like, I don't even think

they like each other.

'Cause Conner definitely

ain't the real deal.

He doesn't even

have a dick.

I used to like Conner4Real,

but now I wish he would just go away.

My first guest,

Conner4Real!

I just wanna thank Seal again

and wish him a fast recovery.

He's gonna be fine.

That's great news.

That's great news, and congrats

again to you and Ashley.

Thank you. Thank you, and,

you know, don't forget,

CONNquest

in stores now. Cop that.

Yeah, absolutely.

Can I just fanboy

out for a second?

Uh, because my favorite

thing of yours

from back in the day,

the Donkey Roll. Oh!

You got a minute?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

For the kids out there,

the Donkey Roll is

from Conner's old group,

the Style Boyz,

when I was...

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

I don't wanna brag but

I used to do a mean

Donkey Roll

back in college.

I'm just saying.

Oh, for real?

Some said I did it

better than yours.

Come on, now.

No...

Don't do that,

Jimmy Fallon.

I think I saw Kid

Contact backstage.

Do you think that we could

get him out here and...

I doubt he'd be into that.

Y'all set me up?

Oh!

Okay, I'll be filling in for Kid Brain!

Roots, Donkey-Roll us!

I love the Donkey Roll.

The Donkey Roll was the shit.

That's the reason why I dance.

Every junior high dance had

to end with the Donkey Roll.

I dreamed of doing the Donkey

Roll onstage with them.

Yo, that was impressive!

It's all right.

Thanks, everybody.

Yo, dude, how fun

was that shit?

Are you serious?

- Yeah.

I wish Lawrence

could've been here.

Owen, that sucked.

I'm trying to sell a record,

not stroll down memory lane.

That shit made me

look like a has-been.

Come on, man.

The crowd loved it.

Whatever, man.

Conner.

Well, look,

you have to understand something.

Conner's lived

a very blessed life.

He got very successful

very, very young.

No, no, no.

And because of that,

he never really learned

to handle adversity

in an adult way.

How many people here bought

my new album CONNquest?

All y'all are liars!

I know you didn't buy it!

Do you guys even

like me anymore?

Could've seen this coming.

Conner4Real dumped by new fiancée,

Ashley Wednesday.

Hey, Conner,

why did Ashley dump you, bro?

Get the fuck off me.

- Yo, man!

Son of a bitch!

Yo, I could really use you out here, man.

- Mmm-hmm.

Yo, we're in

Denver tomorrow.

Come through.

I'll send a car for you.

He really wants

to apologize?

Yes. He really...

Stop. Down.

This business

can be crazy, man.

That's why it's so important to

be around people that you trust,

that you've grown up with.

I mean...

What is that?

And, plus,

Lawrence was always the one

who could cheer

Conner up, you know.

Mmm-hmm.

Dude, please. He really needs

his real friends right now.

He needs you.

Yo, what's that sound

in the background?

Oh, it's just my girlfriend.

I'm having sex with her.

All right, man. Maybe, you know?

Maybe. I'll think about it.

So last night, I caught a

little bit of this obscure old movie

called The Parent Trap, right?

In that movie,

these two little red-headed girls,

they get the idea to trick

their divorced parents

into falling back in

love with each other,

so I was like, "Yo, if I just get Lawrence

and Conner in the same room together,

"boom, they're gonna

realize that they're friends,

"and we all can all

be buddies again."

Mona Lisa

You're an overrated

piece of shit

What the fuck

is this garbage

Tyrus, shut up, man.

We're watching TV.

Quiet, fool.

Leave the singing to the professionals,

please. Yeah?

You're right.

I'm sorry.

And cut softer, dawg.

Dedicated to

the people of Ethpania.

We were on the road

in Spain, and I noticed

that the people there pronounce the

letter S with, like, a T-H "th" sound,

so instead of saying Spain,

they say Thpain, you know,

and it's like the whole country

has a crazy speech impediment,

so I wrote a thong

about that.

In Ibitha, tha, tha, tha

Every day's

a fiesta, tha, tha

Speakers boom On the dance

floor, floor, floor

Everyone is a star,

star, star, star

Our tummies are

full of Pae-jhay-ah

All right.

Thanks, man.

Man, good shit.

You dropped in

perfect right on that one.

Oh, thanks, man.

Thanks.

Oh, I invited Lawrence to come

to the after-party tonight,

so he might be here.

What? Lawrence is here?

Yeah, man. You know, I told you

he lives right nearby here,

so I just thought it'd

be cool for him to come.

He actually... He wanted

to apologize to you, I think...

Owen, are you trying

to Parent Trap us?

No.

God, he looks like a caveman.

Look at this fool.

He's about to murder somebody.

I think it's just

the lighting in the limo.

What?

No, seriously, I think that

that's just his resting face.

He's just relaxing.

So, what, he'll just apologize to me,

and I'm supposed to forgive him,

and then we go back to

being a big happy family?

Something

like that, yeah.

All right.

Style Boyz in

the house, right?

No. No.

Fuck this.

No. No!

Fans got through the gate.

We've got to lock up. Let me out, man.

Unlock the doors.

Yeah, you should go, man.

Bail. That's your move.

That's not my move. That's your move.

You bailed.

I didn't bail.

People liked me best,

and you couldn't handle it,

so I did my own thing.

People liked you best

'cause of the shit I wrote.

They don't like your shit. They like

my shit, and they don't even know it.

Take a look around, Lawrence.

If you were so important to my success,

how come my solo shit's way

bigger than Style Boyz ever was?

You got Owen

making all your beats,

and now you ditched him,

and your shit's tanking.

Why can't you just

give me any credit, man?

Just admit that

I'm talented?

Why can't you admit that I

wrote the "catchphrase" verse?

Oh, this shit again.

None of this garbage out

here is possible without me.

Admit that shit. Man, what the

fuck is going on out there?

Conner, sign my tits!

Oh, what this?

This is just some

beautiful-ass titties, man.

My fans ask me to sign them all

the time because they love me,

and I love them, Lawrence.

And you know what?

You need to grow up, dude,

because this right here,

this is what it's all about, my friend.

Making art.

Connecting with people.

This is that

rock star life, my man,

and I'm slurping it down like

a big old fat milkshake.

Hey, Conner?

Not now, Owen.

Just...

- I'm gonna sign these titties,

so sit back and watch how it's done,

my friend. I'm gonna...

Oh, shit! Oh! It's a dick!

That's one of your

fans, man. Go for it.

Can you make it out to Jenna?

Oh, hello.

That's me.

It's nice to meet you.

That's my fiance's penis. Ah.

Big fan.

Thanks, man.

So tight. Okay.

He's inside.

I'm just gonna...

The old John Hancock.

Are you guys getting back together?

Style Boyz?

No.

- No.

We're thinking about it.

Right on.

I'm gonna roll the

window up now so just...

Thanks for coming by.

Great to meet you guys.

I rest my case, Lawrence.

You think

you know what's up,

but in fact, you my friend,

have no idea what's going on.

Don't call me again.

Lawrence, dude.

Don't leave like that.

Shit.

We should probably

hit the car wash.

All work and no play

Make Hunter go crazy

All play and no work Make

Hunter feel just as depressed

I'm OJ

I'm Simpson

I'm Martha

I'm Plimpton

Finally heard back

from the Poppies.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, they love you.

Um, they just don't have

enough room for you this year.

What? For real?

Yeah, it's a bummer. I know.

I told them to keep us in

mind if anything changes.

It could come around.

This business is tough.

The highs are high, and the

lows are low, you know.

It's like a wave.

You've just got to learn how

to ride the wave, you know.

Up and down,

just like that.

Tony! Toni! Tone! Tonee?

Bartending.

Style Boyz, Conner4Real.

That means I might be

going down again soon.

Heya, heya, ho

Harry, he's

30 minutes over.

I'm sure he'll

be done soon.

I'm never gonna leave this stage!

I'm gonna die up here!

All right, that's it.

Owen, get your gear.

Got it.

Frank, queue it up.

Conner,

what are you doing?

I'm going on, Harry.

You better get a bedpan!

I'll be here all night, bitch!

Who came here to see

Hunter the Hungry?

And who came here

to see Conner4Real?

What's up, y'all?

What'd you just say?

Contact, skip the intro.

Go to Humble.

Stomping through the forest

like a retarded Tyrannosaurus

Bar none, I am the most humblest

In the back of a Ford Taurus

fuck the chorus

Number one at the top

of the humble list

All right, Harry.

We've got to talk.

I know. That was a mess

out there tonight.

Yeah, we have to

get rid of Hunter.

We can't fire Hunter.

Conner, I mean he's one of the

reasons that the tour's sold out.

I want him

off the tour.

Well, look he's number one

on Bonkohub right now.

Well, what number are we?

Numbers don't matter. Come on.

You know that.

God. Can we

talk about this helmet?

It's crazy heavy, and it's

really hurting my back.

Owen, why are you talking right now?

Why are you in this meeting?

I'm in all of

our meetings.

Dude, just leave, all right?

Go have a meeting with Lawrence.

You know it's not my fault that

the album's not selling, okay?

Don't take it

out on me.

Great.

Harry, we have to get rid

of Hunter, all right?

I'm not asking. I'm telling.

You represent me, not him.

Okay, look, well,

actually, technically,

full disclosure,

I represent both of you.

What?

Yeah.

You signed him?

Conner, come on.

Are you kidding me, Harry?

It's just business.

It's not to me. All right, look,

decide right now. Him or me?

Come on. Don't go there.

Look, I've got a family to feed.

What? No, you don't.

I have a niece.

We all have a niece!

You know what?

You're fired.

Conner, you're just... You're upset,

and you're overreacting.

Okay, now I've got to

collate that.

Great. Have fun collating.

There's no fun

in collating!

What's up, my confidants?

Who can you really trust?

I thought I could

trust my manager,

but it turned out he was stabbing

me in the back the whole time.

I thought

I could trust Seal.

I thought I could

trust the Yelp reviews

Who's out there scheming behind my back,

trying to take what I built.

I need to find out

who I can really trust.

All right, y'all,

come and get them.

Conner's fancy

flapjacks right here!

Thanks, Conner.

Eat up. Eat up. Eat up.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm!

Sponge, you like

those pancakes?

They're so good.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Eddie? Feeling these?

Okay. Mmm-hmm.

Dude, I'm sorry. I can't.

Conn, these are terrible, man.

I'm really sorry.

Thank you, Owen, truly.

Okay. And the rest

of you liked them?

Yeah. Mmm-hmm.

Yup.

Well, that's very disappointing

because they are not good.

I knew it.

And the reason they're not good is

because I put dog shit in them.

What?

Oh! Dang, dude. That's nasty.

That's hilarious.

The reason that I did that is to

see who would tell me the truth.

Oh! Conn,

that's mad smart.

Yeah. He's always

two steps ahead.

No. No, stop

doing that, you guys.

This is what

I'm talking about.

You can't just agree

with everything I say.

No doubt. No doubt. No doubt.

It's not helpful.

Got to be honest.

No, you're doing it again, all right?

Just stop.

You fed us dog shit?

What is wrong with you?

Owen, chill out, man.

You're the only one who passed the test.

You're good.

How the fuck can you think I

was one of your lackeys, dude?

I'm your oldest friend.

Hey, we're friends!

We're all friends.

I should've told you

to fuck off years ago,

but instead I just let you

become a bigger and bigger dick.

Look, I'm sorry, but

I've kept you on the tour.

I keep you paid.

I put food on the table.

With dog shit in it!

It's the thought

that counts, man.

Oh, my God.

That's it. I quit.

You can't quit.

What do I even

do anymore, Conner?

I push play on an iPod

in a robot costume.

All right,

fine, then. Go.

Fine.

Maximus!

I'm home, buddy.

Sometimes,

he kicks it in here. Max!

You hear that?

Max?

What are you doing?

What's wrong with you?

Why are you all white?

Why is he making that sound?

Oh, fuck! There's something

wrong with Maximus!

His scales are all ashy.

Come on!

No! Get out of the way!

Move! Come on!

Please! Please move!

My turtle is sick.

I've got to get him to the hospital.

He's gonna die.

Maximus!

As I walk through the

valley of the shadow of death,

I take a look at my life and

realize there's nothing left.

Maximus was my best friend,

who struggled daily

with soggy bones syndrome,

but never complained once.

Conner4Real fighting with

Martin Sheen, gets knocked the "F" out.

The guy from

The West Wing?

Things going from

bad to worse for Conner4Real,

seen unconscious, rolling

around town on a hoverboard.

Now go and join your

family in turtle heaven.

Fuck, yeah!

It's time, man.

You've got to know when to go home.

Bro, you've got to

know when to let go.

The key is don't play yourself.

That's it. Very simple.

Don't play yourself.

Congratulations, you played yourself.

You guys win.

I get the message.

I'll go away.

This is Conner4Real

signing off.

So, I am back in Sac,

housesitting for my mom 'cause

she's on tour with Fall Out Boy.

Are you guys filming me?

It's been awesome, you know.

Dude, which one of

y'all pissed on me?

Feels really good to reconnect

with my hometown.

I've just been really living a very

simple life, kind of back to basics.

I've been watching

a lot of dressage,

which is a very elevated, uh,

competitive form of horse dancing,

and I've been doing a lot of

painting and a lot of sketching.

I'm doing a series

on show ponies.

I actually have a lot of

trouble with the hooves.

It's hard to get

like a hoof texture.

This one is, like,

pretty accurate, actually.

I'll show you guys the

horse that I based it on.

Anyway, it's not

my best one.

Um, like,

in retrospect,

I probably wouldn't have

used that shade of green.

I've even been selling

some of them online,

which has been

a cool new experience.

Ooh! Sold.

Eleven-fifty.

You know, it's not Conner4Real

numbers, you know,

but, in a way,

it means more.

That's pretty much it, you know.

That's my life now.

Hello?

Hey!

What's up, dude?

You guys, Paula's here.

What's going on?

Just wanted to

check up on you.

You want a drink?

Uh, no. It's 11:00.

It's 11:00 in the morning.

It's 11:30

somewhere.

Can we please

turn this off?

Look at those little nerds.

We were very cool for

our school district.

My birthday is awesome.

Yeah, man, we used to have fun.

Best birthday ever.

What the fuck happened?

Okay.

Oh, shit.

Next.

I think this is the day that

my mom gave me Maximus. Oh!

This one is from

Owen and Lawrence.

A turtle!

- Oh, my goodness!

Look, Mom,

they got me a turtle!

- What do you say, sweetie?

- Thank you.

You're welcome.

Honey,

what are you gonna name it?

I'm gonna name it

Maximus.

Get up. We're going out.

What? Oh, no,

I'm not going out.

I cannot deal with

the public right now.

Conner, it's not

a question.

All right, fine,

but if we're going out,

I've got to put on

my makeup.

Please don't

put that on.

This is cool. It feels good to be out.

You were right.

Good. Yeah, I'm glad I did this,

though, you know.

Makes me feel more comfortable,

more at ease. I feel at ease.

Yeah, you look really comfortable.

Yeah.

You look like Matthew Modine

had a peanut allergy.

All right.

You look like

Nazi propaganda.

Okay, that's foul.

Wait a minute.

Whoo!

That piano part

is incredible.

Earth, wind, and birds

They fill my heart up

With darkness alone

Was my last album bad?

I feel like I probably

could've handled myself

a little better over

the past few months.

It feels so nice to be

able to say all this shit

'cause the music is so

loud no one can hear me.

That Equal Rights

song was offensive!

I feel free!

Whoo!

Thanks for coming out, you guys.

Means a lot.

Great show, Kid Contact.

Conner? Oh! Man!

How'd you recognize me?

What's up, man?

What are you doing here?

Had to put on the disguise, right?

Yeah. No, I see that.

Come check out my

homie do his thing, man.

Great show.

Thanks, man.

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, Paula brought you?

She did, and I'm

really glad she did.

It was such a great show.

You sounded incredible, dude.

Thanks, man.

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, my singing's

terrible, but, you know.

What? No. No.

I mean, all right, look,

maybe time for some vocal lessons,

you know. No shame in that.

Yeah, or you know who

would sound better on it?

Clay Aiken.

No, you.

No. No, man.

This is your thing,

and I'm hella proud of you, man.

And, fuck, man, I just...

I wanna just

say I'm sorry.

Conner, just... I... Like, I love

that you're doing this right now,

but it's really hard

to take you seriously

because you just look

like Jason Segel right now.

Oh, Paula said that.

We have great minds. Yeah.

Yeah.

That's funny.

It must... Like, how does it look?

Oh, yeah, it's like the

spitting image of that guy.

Is that good?

It looks identical

to that dude.

"Sarah Marshall."

"I need to forget

about her."

Yeah, he needs to forget her.

Yeah. Yeah.

I love that movie.

So good.

Thanks, man. It means a

lot that you came out.

I'm glad I came, too.

For real.

That's good, man.

Nice.

- What the fuck?

One of you guys

put this here?

Hey, Lawrence.

Conner. Owen.

Lawrence.

Conner.

I just...

That's for you, man,

to borrow, you know.

I figured you could take a bunch of

pics of you holding it and stuff.

You could post

them or whatever.

All right, so

now we're cool.

Lawrence!

What the fuck, man?

Now I've got to

go find that.

What do you

want me to say?

That you helped with

the "catchphrase" verse?

Is that what

this is still about?

Fine, you helped with the

"catchphrase" verse, all right?

You happy?

All right, and you

wrote most of it,

but using my catchphrases

that you also co-wrote.

All right, wrote, but we

were both in the room,

and I dictated

all the best stuff.

All right, none of

the best stuff, dude,

but I had

tons of great ideas

that I still don't even know

why you didn't use them.

Because they sucked!

Okay, fine.

That's my bad.

But I was there

the whole time, man.

I was a little late.

I was a little late that day.

There was traffic, and I was a

little tardy on that particular day.

There was no traffic.

I lied about that.

I lied about it because I

overslept on accident.

It was on purpose.

It was a power move. I was

trying to send a message,

and that was a dick move

on my part, all right?

However, once I got there,

late, I put in time, okay?

I left a little early.

I remember that.

I was never there.

Now, I remember.

I remember now

what happened!

I bailed and you

wrote the whole verse.

You wrote it, and I never gave

you credit 'cause guess why?

No one cares

who writes shit.

They just care

who performs it.

In fact, I think the only

person in the whole universe

who cares about the credit

for who wrote it is you!

Fuck.

I'm sorry.

Boom!

Parent Trap.

What'd you say

you grew here again?

- You'll see.

- Oh, shit.

- Lawrence,

how much weed do you have?

Hey, everyone, I'm gonna take the rest of

the day off to hang out with my friends.

Keep up the good work,

and let's have a great harvest.

Okay.

You guys still smoke?

- Yeah.

Cheers, dude.

Cheers.

It's really up there, man.

Good shot there, Lawrence.

All right, one, two, three.

Oh!

- Got it?

- Get it.

Ah! Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

No way this works.

Get it.

No.

Yeah.

You smoked a Poppy, dude.

What was that beat that we were

messing with once that was like...

Yeah.

What was that?

We should mess with that.

That was it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How did the lyrics go? What were the words?

You are my number one pick

We did it.

Yeah.

Every time I call you

You say that you're sick

She was always sick.

Lawrence

hooked up with her.

That's right.

You hooked up with her.

Don't do me like that.

Come on, y'all.

Glenda, are you dying

Or just avoiding me

That was it.

Either way's a bummer

But I hope you're dying

That's what up.

He wrote that.

We had fun in there, man.

I forgot how fun it is.

Kind of makes me think

that I fucking hate farming.

I look at Conner,

and I see that seven-year-old

scrub that I grew up with,

and it's like, how could you

be mad at a seven-year-old?

It's crazy I spent so much time

thinking about killing him.

You guys see that?

You missed me.

Oh, fuck.

Conner's full of surprises

these days, man.

I mean,

on our way from the airport,

I actually noticed

something crazy.

I looked down

and in his bag,

he had this book called

How to Be a Better Friend.

It was all dog-eared

and scribbled on.

It feels like

he's really trying,

and, plus, it shows he knows how to read,

which is really heartening.

I can't believe

you remembered that, man.

Paula's calling you.

There was a whole

second verse to that.

- Yeah, what was it, dude?

- Do you remember that?

I'm gonna grab it.

I'm gonna grab it. Okay.

Yo.

Where the hell

have you been?

I'm hanging with the guys.

It's actually been super fun, man.

Conner, you just got

offered the Poppy Awards.

Wait, what?

The Poppy Awards.

Taylor Swift was arrested for murder.

They want you to close the show.

It is a huge slot.

Six minutes to do whatever you want,

but they need an answer now.

Oh, shit. Um...

This is what we've

been waiting for, Conner.

She never wore socks

But that was

the third verse, though.

I'm talking about

the second verse.

Like what was

the second verse?

Her daddy hates me

'Cause my car is slick

Yes!

Okay.

Let's record it.

Hell, yeah.

Let me get on

the boards.

What did

Paula want, man?

Oh, nothing, they wanted me to do

the Pop Awards, but I passed on it.

Yo, what?

Dude, I don't wanna do that shit.

I'm hanging with you guys.

Who fucking cares, dude?

That's the Poppies.

All right,

but I thought

this was, like, the whole reason

you guys were mad at me,

for going and doing

all this solo shit.

Dude, you don't have to choose

between us and your solo shit.

It's like with Wu-Tang Clan.

It's like you're Method Man,

and he made a solo record,

but he's still in the Wu-Tang Clan.

He never stopped

being in the Wu-Tang Clan.

Right.

- Or like the GZA.

He was in the Wu-Tang Clan,

and then he made a solo record,

but he never stopped

being in the Wu-Tang Clan.

Yeah, or you're the RZA,

and you can do your solo shit, but

you're still in the Wu-Tang Clan.

So basically,

we're the Wu-Tang Clan.

Exactly, but better.

Yeah.

Well...

As soon as I said it,

I was kind of like, um, maybe not.

It's like we're

three Tom Pettys,

and we're the

Heartbreakers, you know.

You're a Tom Petty,

you're a Tom Petty, and I'm Tom Petty,

but together we're the Heartbreakers...

We're Tom Petty.

Oh, right, no. Yeah.

We're the Heartbreakers.

Yeah, I lost it, too.

- Yeah.

We know you've got to fly.

You're like a beautiful bird.

You've got to be out there.

You've got to see it all.

But we can be right there with

you as your little bird legs.

So you think I should

do the Pop Awards?

Fuck, yes.

Yeah.

All right, well,

I'm not going alone.

Who are you gonna do it with?

With you guys!

Do you wanna

come with me?

Oh, sure, I was

wondering who you were...

Yeah, yeah. That's tight.

Hell, yeah!

We're so high.

Sorry.

And the stars

are arriving

for this year's Pop Music Awards,

the Poppies.

Good. Let's go.

You guys are all set.

They know you're doing

one Style Boyz song,

and then we're gonna go

into Conner's new single.

Great. Oh, shit! Conner,

what up, though, dawg?

Oh, yeah,

what up, Hunter?

Yo, yo, yo. Say hey to

my doc real quick, baby.

Hi.

Yeah.

You got a doc. I got a doc.

You know what I'm saying?

But now, like, I'm rolling

with all these dudes

and with Aquaspin.

Like, I kind of

Single-White-Femaled your ass.

Yeah, man, that's crazy.

Anyway, though,

good to see you, man.

You looking spiffy,

you know?

Yo, yo, it's Hunter, dawg, about

to get crazy on the stage...

No, sorry, not your camera.

We're with Conner.

Oh, shit. My bad.

Yo, this is Hunter about to head into

the Poppies. You know what I'm saying?

No, sorry,

we're with Snoop.

Surprise, mothafucka.

You're watching my brand new show,

Surprise Mothafucka

with Snoop Dogg, and,

mothafucka, you been surprised.

Excuse me.

Can somebody move?

Mariah Carey, your

hair smells and looks great.

Did you know Aquaspin has

hair dryers and flat irons?

No, I didn't.

Aquaspin appliances are completely

affordable for college students.

Honey, you're not

doing ads now. Really?

Read the damn prompter, yo.

You messing with my money right now.

What the **** did you

just say to me? What?

Yo, **** all y'all, all right?

And **** everybody else,

and **** Mariah Carey

for leaving me up here.

Yeah, I said her. No...

Oh, you still here?

I thought you had left. Okay, sweetie...

Style Boyz.

It's time.

Yo, what the fuck

was that, everybody?

Why you got me up there

saying that bullshit, man?

I told you not to say it. You're the

one that wanted to cash the check.

Dude, you

set me up, dude!

You ain't nothing

but like a fake sellout

money hungry pop

bullshit-ass manager.

You ain't nothing but a Tony!

Toni! Total reject, bitch!

What the fuck

you say to me?

Say that shit again,

young blood.

I will eat your head!

I will eat your fucking head!

You better learn

some respect.

Yo, all right.

Man, I'm sorry, yo. Chill.

Old-ass motherfucker.

Why you hit me

like that, dawg?

Get yourself

a new manager.

Yo, are you serious?

Damn, man.

Oh, my God.

That was great, Harry.

It was insane,

wasn't it?

Yeah.

I was like, "Get some respect,"

you know?

Wow!

Hey, look, Harry,

I just wanna say I'm sorry.

No, don't.

Don't worry about it.

Just get out there and have a good time.

Good luck, guys.

Thanks, Harry.

Yeah.

Okay, this is it.

You nervous?

Just a little bit.

Don't be. We got this.

Ladies and gentlemen...

All right, see you out there.

See you out there.

Please take your seats.

Oh, God, Conner,

there you are.

Look, the show's

going way over,

so you only have

three minutes now.

What? Yeah, you can

only do one song,

so I need to know are you gonna

do Conner4Real or Style Boyz?

Uh...

Yeah. No, I asked him.

He's just kind of, like,

looking off into space

and, like, really

making a meal out of this.

And now I'm just

standing here waiting.

He's looking off to, like,

contemplate whether he should,

I think, pick the Style Boyz, 'cause

he's, like, looking in their direction,

so we might be leaning

toward that kind of...

No, he's looking back.

So I'm lost. I'm not sure

which one he's gonna go for.

All right, I know

what I'm gonna do.

Our final performer tonight is a

living legend and still a superstar.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the one and only Conner4Real.

Finest girl I

ever met In my whole life

Wanna take her home

Make her my wife

Knew she was a freak

When she started talking

She said

I'm a Style Boy for life

Should we tell them?

Yeah.

Tell them, man.

We made a new

song at the farm.

Yeah, we found Lawrence's journals,

and they were just amazing.

Amazing. Just full of

incredible thoughts.

Just like ideas and poems and stuff.

Nothing special.

Yo, and then Conner

had the idea

to take a piano line

from my solo shit.

Conner put it

all together.

And the Poppies paired us with the

craziest special guest to perform with.

Incredible thoughts

Incredible minds

I'm so overwhelmed

How did my

brain conceive them

Yeah

A snow white dove

in the pitch-black night

A raindrop falls

from tremendous heights

A wave crashes off

of a cliff in Scotland

A child bites an apple

but the core is rotten

TV is free

But what is the cost

We have GPS

And yet we're still lost

A carrot in the desert

A camel in the garden

A man with giant ears

Begging your pardon

What if a garbage

man was actually smart

A common misconception

That we're tearing apart

And to a dog

Dog food is just food

And to a sock A mansion's

just a big shoe

A Milk Dud

sitting in the acid rain

A house cat

addicted to the cocaine

No teeth, unlimited floss

These are just a few of

Our incredible thoughts

Incredible thoughts

Oh, man, watching the Style Boyz

together onstage again was like...

I lived to see that. After that,

you know, take me away, I'm done.

Kid Contact, Kid Brain, and

Kid Conner all back together,

the motherfucking

Style Boyz.

This is just some

revolutionary shit, man.

My heart is

pounding right now.

A ballerina

waits for the bus

A "number one dad"

trophy covered in rust

A nun dunked a basketball

Living the impossible

A man breaks his leg

Inside a hospital

We just thought of that

And it could change the world

We're like a smart

oyster full of pearls

Such as an ultrasound

of a new baby

With a Santa

hat drawn on, yeah

That's my kind

of Christmas card

What if a butterfly

Was made out of butter

These small thoughts

Could destroy Big Brother

The world's cutest kitten

Just hugging a dog

Just one of many of

Our incredible thoughts

What if one thought

could cure the people

What if one song

could end all evil

Imagine if a fish

could play guitar

And also sing

It would sound bizarre, like

My name is Mr. Fish

Yeah

These guys' thoughts have

granted my wish Oh, yeah

All I wanna know, who was in that

fish costume? That was amazing.

The fish was me, Tyrus.

Shh.

And that may have just

Changed the course of time

I swear, my mind

Blows my mind

Incredible

Let me see that Donkey Roll

Donkey Roll

Let me see that Donkey Roll

Incredible thoughts

Donkey Roll

Incredible thoughts

Let me see that Donkey Roll

Incredible thoughts

Incredible minds

Too many great ideas inside

It's a miracle my head

can contain them

My spectacular brain

Harry!

Changing how we think

about space and time

Now it's time to share that

with the people

My brain is a genius

When it was happening,

I was just like,

"Yo, I cannot believe I'm

here to witness this, man."

How did my brain

conceive them

Yes! Yes! Fuck!

Whoo! Yes.

I just performed the Donkey

Roll with the Style Boyz.

I was a Style Boy.

When I walked out onstage,

all I could think of was,

"I'm so happy.

"And I really hope that Tony! Toni! Tone!

Is watching,

"and that they

feel like shit."

A wise man once said,

everyone's career is on a wave.

Sometimes, you're up.

Sometimes, you're down.

But the trick is not to lose

yourself along the way.

And when you're up,

don't be an asshole about it.

It's like my mom always says...

Yo, what the fuck?

That stage manager lady just

macked on Lawrence super hard.

Yo, do they even know each other?

Oh, my God!

And why is "Deboarrah" here?

Anyways, be cool to your friends, right?

That's what I was saying.

Yo, they are gonna fuck.

Damn, that is hilarious.

But the point is,

be a good person.

The rest will

fall into place.

And that's Conner4Real.

Isn't that right,

Maximus 2?

It sure is, Conner.

What?

He wasn't really talking.

That was me doing the voice.

The Style Boyz are getting

back together again.

Yeah, they broke up.

Then they buried the hatchet,

and now I guess they're

working together again.

They're like friends

from childhood.

Yeah.

For life.

And they had,

like, tough times

and now they feel good

about being back together.

"We're gonna put

aside our differences."

They actually

do something.

Sometimes, I think about doing that.

Yeah.

I haven't talked to

my mom in three years.

I moved out here. I thought I could

get like a commercial agent.

I just wanted to be

a longboard model.

I never graduated

high school.

I never graduated

middle school.

It'd be a lot of

fun if the four of us

hung out outside

of the office.

Hey guys, can I ask you

something really...

That I've never really

asked you before?

Yeah.

Do you guys have a photograph

of James Franco leaving a Denny's?

Oh yeah, totally!

It's right here! Fuck, yeah!

Let's see it.

Put it up.

Bring it up.

We got it.

Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah

Words and truth

One fine evening

on the sandy coast

The feeling was irey

'round the drum circle

When the wisest rasta

I ever saw

Gently joined us

and sang of Jah

Roots and culture

seeped from his bones

He took out a spliff and said,

"Pass this around"

So I took a righteous drag

It was the best sensi

that I ever had

And then I felt the chills

run up my back

"My good man,

tell me, what was that?"

He said, "My friend,

you just smoked crack"

"You just smoked crack"

Oh, crack

I just smoked crack

Oh, my God

And it felt fucking great

This feels amazing

Thought it was marijuana

Oh, yeah

But now it's too fucking late

I can't go back

I love crack

Holy shit

Now I am invincible

Fuck, yeah

If anyone tries

to take my crack

I'll kill them on principle

Some call crack bazooka

Others call it base

But no matter

what name you call it

It's the best invention ever

by the human race

The government

spread lies about it

They say that it is no fun

But on that plastic shell

I sucky

Sucky, sucky, sucky

till the crack is gone

Now we should legalize it

Legalize it

Set the people free

And legalize

We should legalize crack

So that I can smoke it all

Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016) - full transcript