Poor Greg Drowning (2020) - full transcript

So, there I am.

Down on one knee
in the sand,

almost exactly where
I had been seven years before,

kissing her.

Waves crashing
in the background,

the sun glistening into her
strikingly beautiful green eyes.

And I'm holding up
a diamond ring,

asking her to marry me,

which I'd saved up for

for three fucking years,
by the way.

After 15 minutes
of pouring my soul out,



telling her
how wonderful she is

and how wonderful
our lives now make sense

and how... and how... and how...
and how... and how our future is

nothing but a big shiny,
bright spot.

I mean,
what would you say?

You'd say something?

But, no, no, no.
Nothing.

Like, nothing at all.

Like, just crickets.

And then tears.

Tears streaming
down my face,

but these are not
tears of joy.

No.

These are not tears of,
"Oh, my God,



now our lives
make sense together

and we're gonna
have four kids

and we're gonna
live in Seattle."

No.

These are, "How about
I open up your chest,

I take a big fat fucking shit
inside of it,

I zip it up, I wrap you up
in duct tape,

I put you on a chair,
I put a noose around your neck,

and then I kick the chair
out from underneath you" tears.

Because, you know what?
She goes, "I met someone new.

I met someone with a little more
stability," she said.

She goes, "How are you
gonna take care of me

when I'm pregnant?"

Um, what was the rent
for the room again?

Oh, right.
Right, right.

So, basically it's
a thousand bucks, flat out.

Okay, uh, that's actually
not too bad.

I'm gonna pass.

Great.

Okay.

Great.

I'm just gonna...

I'm gonna go.

Oh, of course
you're gonna pass,

you fucking soul-sucking-Shiva
of a whore!

Why don't you just
go ahead and nut tap

poor ol' Greg's testes
and rip out his uvula

while you're at it!

Get in line,
you fucking blonde cracker!

Hey, Ms. Dalton.

It's good to see you
this morning.

Hey!

Love that new landscape!

Killer perennials.

Once upon a time,
a poor aspiring writer

named Greg
was drowning in heartbreak.

The love of his life, Ashley,

had just fucked the shit

out of their couples
therapist, Dr. Wilbon.

This begins
the sad, sad tale

of a hopeless love addict
trying to find love once again.

And along the way,
a roommate, too.

Greg, it's your sister.
Wake up.

Oh.

There it is.

Argh.

Oh, God, it's you.

Mom said you still
can't find a roommate?

Yeah, not yet.

I'm being selective.

Yeah.

Oh, hey, by the way, Greg.

Dan and I are having a little
dinner party on Saturday

and I really think
you should come.

Mm, I don't know.

I'm kind of on the fence
about human beings right now.

Oh, speaking of human beings,

please do not miss
your 3:00 p.m. workout

with my trainer, Hector.

Oh, fuck me real hard.

Jules, I thought
we rescheduled that.

No, we didn't reschedule that.
You need the endorphins.

Oh, God damn it, Jules.
No, I don't need endorphins.

I'm fine.

You're a mess, Greg.

And you should stop...
just stop drinking that,

unless you want to puke
your nuts out at your session.

Please.

Pfft, how hard could this Hector
guy's workout possibly be?

I want 20 push-ups,
soldier.

Oh, my God.
Soldier?

Think I am...
think I'm...

Oh, my God, I think
I'm gonna have a heart attack.

Get off my squad.

I'm sorry?

Get off my squadron
right now.

Your squad?

I don't want
no pansy-ass

mama's boy
on my squadron.

Get the fuck up.

I'm not a love addict.

No.

It's totally normal
to get emotional

during a romantic comedy.

Mom, how am I supposed
to get a job and a roommate

and work on my writing?

Hmm? You think Dalton Trumbo
was posting craigslist ads

and driving around
in an Uber on the weekends?

No.

Yes, writing is going great.

All right, say hello
to Mary Jane for me.

Love you, too.

Bye.

I'm sleeping
with our couples therapist.

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Fuck.

Fuck you, Dr. Wilbon!

So, you had the same
recurring dream last night.

Yes.
Doctors are the worst.

How did that dream make you feel
when you woke up?

Oh, pfft, just wonderful.

I mean, I love the fact
that the love of my life

is fucking
our couples therapist.

You're still in anger phase.

That will subside.

And, Greg, you know
this dream isn't real.

Well, yeah, but her fucking
Dr. Wilbon is very real.

True, that does suck
very badly.

Is that supposed
to be helpful?

Moving right along.

How about you, Doc?
Have you ever fucked a client?

I would never sleep
with a beautiful, sensual,

buttery thighs, breasts
that could dent a man's chest,

vivacious valley,
dimple on her ass...

Doc?

Yes?
Oh, I'm sorry.

Very sorry.
You were saying?

Yeah, the banging
of a client.

Oh, right, right.
Enough about me.

How are you doing, in general?

I don't know. I mean...

It's a roller coaster
of emotions.

You know, some good days,
some bad days.

Actually, mostly bad days.

Actually, mostly awful days,

like God-awful days.

Like curl-up-in-a-ball
and fall-down-a-deep-dark-well,

shatter-your-spinal-cord-
on-impact-

and-drown-in-six-inches-of-water
awful days.

Let me ask you something, Greg.

Have you been working out
lately,

done any sort
of physical activity?

Oh, God, you don't even
want to know.

You know, Greg,
physical exercise

is a necessary catalyst
in the releasing of endorphins.

What the fuck is it
with these goddamn endorphins?

Fuck!

Fuck you!

I hate endorphins!

I never wanted to fucking
have them in the first place!

Fuck them.

I'm fine.

Odd yet interesting
trigger point of anxiety.

How about male companionship?

Have you taken time
to hang out

with any
of your broheims lately,

since your breakup
with Ashley?

No, I haven't.

Well, then, I suggest
you make time for your homies.

Remember, Gregory,
don't be a wussy

because of the pussy.

This is
the good life, my friend.

Who woulda thought
a couple of young kids

from Upstate New York
would come out west

and absolutely crush it
like we have?

Currently unemployed,
and you're a professional

male house sitter
mooching off celebrities.

Living the dream.

Oh, God.

So, what's going on
with you, man?

You found
your new roommate yet?

No, not yet.

I can't get out
of that two-year lease.

Damn, dude.

How long you been
lookin' for?

It's been 57 days
since Ashley moved out.

Jesus H. What the hell's
taking so long?

I put an ad out
on craigslist,

by the next week, I had already
kicked out a new roommate.

- Why'd you kick 'em out?
- I caught him face-fucking

that gothic gargoyle statue
in the foyer area.

You know, the marble one?

Oh, yeah.

Very nice piece.

Thank you.

I got this new guy,

he's been lickin'
the bathroom mirrors.

Good God.

Where you finding these guys,
OKCupid?

Don't worry about it.

So, what's the problem?

How come you can't
find a roommate?

I don't know,
I just...

I haven't found
the right match, I guess.

Oh, Christ.

What are you doing?

I'm going to give you
some sorely needed

roommate-seeking advice.

That's simply not necessary,
thank you.

Oh, it most certainly is.

Now, for starters,
rule number one.

So, no matter what,

no matter
if Felicia "Vike-ander"

from "Ex-Machine-a"...

Alicia Vikander.

Alicia Vikander
from Ex-Machina.

No matter
if Felicia "Vike-ander"

from "Ex-Machine-a"
shows up...

No!
Alicia Vikander.

If Felicia "Vike-ander"...

Alicia Vikander
from Ex-Machina.

- If Felicia...
- It's not Felicia,

it's Alicia Vikander from...

If Alicia
from The Danish Girl...

Okay.

...shows up at
your front doorstep,

no matter what,
looking for a place to live,

no matter what,
under absolutely

no circumstances whatsoever

can you have
a female roommate.

Why the hell not?

Because you just got
your heart trampled on

really fucking hard, Greg,
really fucking hard,

and because of that,
you probably got

some latent anger
very deep inside

that cold, bitter
heart of yours,

toward the female species.

- That's just simply not true.
- Is that so?

I thoroughly enjoy
the company of a fine female.

I was raised by two of them,
for Christ's sake.

- Is that so?
- Yes.

Because I ran
into Mrs. Dalton this week

while she was landscaping
her front yard,

and she told me
that one of the neighbors

called the cops on you

because you were screaming
at some poor girl,

calling her, and I quote,
"a fucking blonde cracker."

End quote.

Mrs. D told you
about that, huh?

Yeah, she did, Greg.

Hey, what'd you think
of her new perennials?

They are quite lovely.

- Aren't they?
- Yes, very much so.

I don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.

I don't know
if it's the mulch.

I mean, she's the only one
crushing it in this drought.

Yeah.

Her bed is flush as shit.

Oh, it is.

You're fucking her,
aren't you?

I am indeed.

Come on.

You're fucking her.

- Come on.
- Are you fucking her?

- Let's go.
- Oh, my God.

I am. I am.

All right, I am going to be
your potential roommate.

You are going to be you.

Unfortunately,
that's an element

that we can't really
change here, but that's okay.

We'll find a work-around.

I can't do this.
This is so stupid.

Do you like
paying full rent

- and all the bills, Greg?
- Oh, God.

Yo, what's up, dawg?

- Really, Greg?
- What?

What are you, like,
a 35-year-old Justin Bieber?

- What? What'd I say?
- "Yo, what's up, dawg"?

Out of all the ways that you
could possibly greet somebody,

that's what you go with?

What's wrong with that?
That's how I talk to dudes.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Hello there,
fine gentleman.

All right, now you seem like
you just want to sodomize me.

Well, fuck, dude.
What do you want me to say?

How about more
nice, normal guy?

Less creepy
Jared-from-Subway guy.

Yes, less creepy,
Subway, got it.

All right.

Howdy, partner,
it's nice to meet ya.

What?

Greg knew Paul was right.

He headed off
to his sister's party

hoping to find
a male roommate.

But she
and her boyfriend, Dan,

who has been acting
a little fucking weird

ever since suffering a serious
head injury while skiing,

had other plans.

No, no, the Bosu ball
is great for the bedroom.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Oh, hey.
Hector.

It's a pleasure to...
what a surprise.

Oh, you shaved
your head, man.

That is... soldier style, huh?
Nice.

Well, it's good
to see you, man.

Those pecs are firm.

You not on my squad.

Well, that wasn't awkward.

Well, I threw up
all over his shoes.

- I heard.
- Like, all over 'em.

- Laces and everything.
- I heard that, too.

Oh, I brought you something.

Oh, wow, Greg.
You shouldn't have.

I don't even know why
I bought that Opus One

- when we have this.
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Gregorino.

Hey, man, thank you
so much for coming.

- This is cool.
- Yeah.

Dan, he's... he's depressed.
He's not a deaf foster child.

- Okay.
- Jules, I'm not depressed.

Oh, you know what I mean.

Look at this.

Greg bought us
this box of, I think...

This is outstanding.
We love it.

It's good.
Have you tried it?

Mm, God, yeah.
We have it all the time.

- It's our favorite.
- Love it.

Wait, I thought you said
you haven't had it.

Anyways, this is hot.

So, where is everybody.
Am I early?

Oh, yeah, um, so,
we sent out the invitations,

but they had
the wrong date on it.

For everybody,
except for you.

And me!

And Wenona!

Hey, you guys
haven't met, have you?

Uh, no, Jules.

Matter of fact,
I don't think we have.

- Fun.
- Fun.

Come on over, Wenona.

Just make yourself at home.

Okay.

Okay!

Yeah, we should
open up this box.

I like that shirt.
I love gray.

- Uh, thanks
- Yeah.

Here we go.
This is cool.

So, Greg, what do you
do for a living?

Well, sis,
it's an interesting question.

Thanks for asking.

Especially since
I'm unemployed.

Oh, shit.
I forgot about that.

Well, what did you
used to do?

Um, I was a production
assistant,

but that was
just to pay the bills.

I really want to, um...
I want to write.

Or I am a writer.
Or I will be.

Hopefully, one day.

That's really rad, dude.

Where were you
a production assistant?

It was a, uh,
The Trailer House.

Oh, my God.
That is so sweet.

Trailer people
need love

just as much as people

with real houses.

It was a movie trailer house.

Oh!

Oh, of course.
That makes so much more sense.

Right.

Yeah, because you wouldn't
want to be surrounded

by trailer people all the time

'cause they smell weird.
Ish.

Well, that's really great
because

I loooovvve
movie trailers!

Cool.

Well, what about you,
Wenona?

Let's hear what's going on
with you

since you left
our accounting firm last year.

Well, I'm actually kind of
in limbo,

but if this lawsuit works out,

I'm thinking of doing
some serious traveling.

You have a lawsuit?

Yup, a, uh...
a sexual harassment lawsuit.

- Oh, my God. What happened?
- Oh, Jesus.

Well, Dan and I fucked.

No. No, that's not true.
That's not true.

I wouldn't touch
her dirty ass with your dick.

Dan from work.

- Oh.
- Whoa.

Yeah.
Yeah, Dan from work, maybe.

That's cleared up.
You like that?

Let me get this straight.
You fucked Dan?

Dan, Dan?
As in our boss, Dan?

Yep, during my exit interview.

- Oh, my God.
- It was pretty intense.

That guy is a freak.

I thought maybe I would
get to keep my job

if I let him stick it in-in,
but apparently not.

But double-but,
my attorney thinks

I have a pretty darn good shot
with this lawsuit,

so, fingers crossed.

I mean, that would be
the dream.

Yeah.

- Yay.
- Kudos.

This can't be real.

Oh, hey, you guys
should go out,

the two of you.

Dan!

I promise not to sue.

Well, the chicken's
pretty good, huh?

Yeah.

I've actually never seen her
quite like that before.

And, plus, all my other friends
are either married or in rehab

or there's actually a few
on Ashley Madison, so...

Well, look, I'm not exactly
looking to date

any time soon, despite
Dan's brilliant suggestion.

Well, you know he hasn't
been himself

since the skiing accident.

This is a stew.

That is a chicken.

- Oh, fuck my butt.
- What?

I think I just got an email
about the apartment.

- What's it say?
- "Hey, duder!

Is this room still avail?

I am moving to
the City of Angels tomorrow

and desperately
need a place to reside.

If it is, is it cool
if I PayPal you the money now

for the first month's rent

and swing by
and move in tomorrow?"

The fuck?

"I promise not to be
a serial killer"

dot-dot-dot..."anymore.

JK. Kinda.

But for realz.
Let me know!

Thanks, man."
Smiley face. Peyton.

Hmm. Sounds a little desperate,
perhaps too good to be true,

but you know what? Fuck it.
I say go for it.

I don't know, you think?

Yeah, totally.

Just don't puke on the guy
this time.

Yeah, very funny.

All right, I gotta go.
Love you, bye.

Good-bye.

A hundred and 183 dollars?
What the fuck?

God damn it.
No!

I'm fucked!
I'm so fucked.

No!

I just got a roommate, though.

Yes, I did.

I just got a fuckin' roommate.

Fuck yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Are you Greg?
- Yeah.

Hi, I'm Peyton.

Hi.

Oh, my God.
You're Peyton.

Yeah, the...
the serial killer.

I'm not a serial killer.

The former serial killer.

- Right.
- Remember? Yeah.

Right, yeah, no.
Right, of course.

- Right.
- No, that's right.

I mean, who is?

You know?
Um, no, I just...

I thought that Peyton
was a boy's name.

- No offense.
- Oh, no, none taken.

Yeah, are you a Broncos fan?

No, I fuckin'
hate them, actually.

Oh.

Well, I was gonna say
the Broncos, Peyton Manning.

Uh, random.

No, because people think
Peyton Manning

and then they think Peyton,
that I'm a guy.

Oh, yes, right.

But, nah, these are...
these are breasts.

Yeah.

And I have a functioning
vagina as well.

Ah!

Gynecologist says top notch.

Looks good.

Is that okay,
that I'm a... a woman?

No matter what,

under absolutely no
circumstances whatsoever

can you have
a female roommate!

No, yeah, it's great.
Come on in.

- Really? Oh.
- Yes. I'm very happy.

- Okay, thanks.
- Yeah.

You have great hair.

- Sorry.
- Oh.

- It's sticky.
- Oh.

- Oh, wow.
- So, yeah, this is your room.

This is...
this is perfect.

Yeah.
This is very purple.

Yep.

I love it, though.

I call it
the purple monster.

Well, I like it.

- It's my favorite color.
- Oh.

A mixture of red and blue.

Oh.
Are you gay?

- No. Are you?
- Oh. No.

Great. Yeah.

Cool. It's ex...
it's really exactly what I need.

- So...
- Okay.

Big closet.

Yep, you could fit
a lot in there.

Yes, yes.

So, uh, is there anything else
that you... that you might need?

Uh, other than an 8 ball
and a good fisting,

I think I'm good.

I'm sorry, come again?

I'm just fucking
with you, Greg.

- Oh, right.
- I'm sorry.

- No, no.
- Demented sense of humor.

- Not at all.
- Freaks people out.

No, it didn't really
freak me out.

I was actually
pretty centered with it.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

I've never been fisted.

I've never done cocaine.

Cool.

This is nice.

Right, so, um,
do you have any...

uh, you have a box...

do you have anything
in your car, or boxes or...?

Yeah, but I'll just...
I'll deal with it later.

- Yeah, okay. All right.
- Yeah.

Well, um, let me know
if you need any help,

uh, loading it...
loading it in.

- Aw, thanks. Thank you.
- Yeah, no problem.

Uh, the door... these o...
these doors open.

And, uh, mahalo.

Yeah.

Oh, this... actually this, um...
this is a painting

that was done
by my grandfather.

- He served in World War II.
- Oh.

And he was also a really huge
aficionado of Hungarian art.

- And, um...
- Hungarian art?

Yeah, and this
is actually Budapest.

And, um, he fell in love
with... with Hungary.

- But this is Florence.
- This is Budapest, actually.

- But it says Florence.
- He would tell the stories...

No, this is the name
of the painting.

It's Firenze.
It's actually "fire."

It means "fire" in Hungarian.

"Firenze" means "Florence"
in Italian.

And I lived over here
in Florence.

This is the Duomo.
This is the Arno.

It's definitely Budapest.

And this is actually
the Budapest river.

Okay.

Yeah.

Fist bump. What?

Now you've been fisted.

Holy cow. Am I right?

Greg not only
found a roommate,

but he might have just
manifested

the real girl of his dreams.

Of all the girls
he has fallen way too hard for,

he has never experienced
love at first sight

quite like this.

He was sure Paul
would be happy for him.

So, uh, I got a new roommate.

Mm.

- You did?
- Yeah.

I have to say,
I think I'm in love.

Listen, Greg.

Oh, fuck.

I get that you're angry
at women, okay?

Understandably so.

I mean, Ash completely
steamrolled over your nuts.

Like totally obliviated
any trace of manhood

- that you once had.
- Paul, I got it.

She pretty much ripped your dick
in half and stuck it

- in between your legs.
- Paul! I got it.

- But switching teams, Greg?
- No!

Come on, man.
That's a little dramatic.

I mean, I... I'm okay with it.
I'm okay with it.

You know, I guess.
Change and everything. Huh.

It's a girl.

A disarmingly cute
and attractive girl.

Fuck!

Fucking son of a bitch!

Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck, Greg!

Come on, man.
Come the fuck on!

- Jesus.
- Fuck!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Greg.

That was a little bit
uncalled for.

I understand that.

It's just that
you just fuckin'...

you rile me up, man.
You just...

You rile me up
like no other.

God.

I can see that.

What did I tell you
about a girl roommate?

Well, I didn't know
it was a girl.

What the fuck
does that even mean?

Her name was Peyton.

Oh.
Like Peyton Manning?

Yes! Therefore I thought
it was a dude.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah,
I can understand that.

I can see that. I woulda thought
the same thing, actually,

Yeah.

Come on, man.
You're smarter than this.

Look at what happened
with Ash.

Oh, God.
Enough with Ashley, okay?

Her and Dr. Wilbon and I,

we had a very mature,
adult conversation.

We talked everything out.

We achieved
some very nice closure.

Wh... what are
you doing, Greg?

I'm getting closure!

How you like them apples,
motherfucker?

A-are you serious?
Come on.

That's actually pretty good.

What brand is it?

All right, are we
done here now?

No!

Anything breakable here?

Ah!

Greg, no, Greg.
Come on, don't.

No! Don't!
Greg!

Those are the remains
of a human being.

Aren't they?

Two, actually.

My mother and my father.

Really?

Yeah.

Then I am very impressed,
Greg.

Thank you.

And Peyton is great.

She's really fucking great.

It was like love at first sight,
I'm telling you.

Aw, come on
with that bullshit.

That never happens.
It's just a rebound, Greg.

It's probably the first girl
that you've seen

in, like, over a month.

Of course you're gonna think
you're in love with her.

Are you stupid or something?

Listen, this is what you do.

You take her out to Indian food.

You get her the curry,
you get her the roti, the works.

You put a little laxative
in her drink

when she goes to the bathroom.

Then you go to one of those
new escape room things.

Boom, that'll set you
fucking straight

with this
"in love" bullshit.

I don't know.

Maybe you're right.

'Course I'm right.

Now don't just sit there.

Toss me one of those brewskis,
will ya?

Come into my domicile,
two twelve packs of beers,

you don't even
offer me one.

What are you,
a fucking savage or something?

You shook it up.
Come on, put it back, Greg.

Get me a good one.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, hey.

Oh, no worries.
Just getting my yoga on.

It's not like I'm doing
naked yoga or anything.

Would you?

Oh, have you ever
tried this shit?

It's a total trip.

Uh, you know, no.

I... I'm not...
I'm not a big yoga... yoga-er.

You should try it sometime.

Releases
a lot of endorphins.

I'll probably pass
because back in high school

there was this guy named
Jimmy Knox,

and after gym class
he would bend me over,

but backwards
and then forwards,

and he broke my rib.

And he said, "I bet now
that you have a broken rib,

you can suck your own dick."

Oh, my God.
What a jerk.

I know.

C-could you do it?

Actually, yeah.

I mean,
not that I ever did.

No, no.
Of course not.

Fuck me.

What... what'd you say?

Um, I said,
"My God, this is a good day."

Hmm, I don't think
I'm gonna do anymore yoga.

Do you want a smoothie?

Yes, I would love one.

Wow, this looks
super healthy.

Yeah, I know, right?

I don't know
if my Midwest body's

gonna be able to handle it.

Might have a shit-right-
through-my-yoga-pants

situation on my hands.

Yeah, I know exactly
what you are talking about.

I have a shit-through-my-pants
situation

with about everything I eat.

Oh.

Yeah.

I have a leaky stomach.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah.

So, where'd you say
you were from again?

- Chi-town?
- Ah, makes sense.

Why do you say that?

You're just so open
and generous.

That's really sweet.

Thanks. Um, yeah, my friends
back home are pretty awesome.

So, what brought you, uh...

what brought you
all the way out here?

The porn industry.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- I want to get into porn.
- Oh.

I tried the whole
nine-to-five thing

and it's just...
it's not for me.

- Right.
- Plus, there's loads

- of money in it.
- Right.

Like, loads.

Right.

Do you like porn, Greg?

You know...

...that's
an interesting question.

Um, you know, there's...
I'm quite...

there's a... I have...

You know, my mom always
used to say

that when I choose
to express myself,

uh, in an intimate way,

uh, objectifying women
is not something that...

Uh, my...
I-I've heard of it.

- You've heard of it?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God, dude,
I'm fucking with you.

- Really
- Yes.

Oh, Jesus, well,
I didn't know what to say.

- Oh, my God.
- So, wait, are you in...

No, I'm going to UCLA grad
school for journalism next week.

Completely different answer
from the first.

- Totally different.
- Yeah.

Yeah, I've always been
interested in telling stories

grounded in truth,
so journalism,

and I figure
if that doesn't work out,

then I can just transition

into documentary filmmaking,
you know.

- Yeah, anything.
- Or porn. You know?

Always got porn
as a fall back.

That's what my mother said.

She did.
Okay, so, let's give it a whirl.

I want to make sure
it's really smooth.

They don't call it
a chunky.

I'm going
for a smooth move smoothie.

That's so cute.

All right,
I think we're done.

All right.
Here goes nothin'.

Okay, to juice cleanses,
pornos,

and our rapidly approaching

and inevitably powerful
bowel movements.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Hmm, it's not bad.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it's good.

Okay, well, I have
an alarmingly significant

amount of swamp ass
happening in my pants right now,

so I'm gonna get
out of my sweaty clothes

and into the shower.

Yeah, okay, sounds good.

Greg, what in heavens
are you doing here?

Emergency sesh, Doc.

- Now, just wait a minute.
- Emergency sesh, STAT.

Wenona?

Oh, um, hey, Greg.

Fancy seeing you here.

You never called me back.

What is wrong with you?

Are you afraid
of a little adventure?

Look, I got your nose.
Let's be friends.

Great sesh, Dr. Naik.
Same time next week?

Yes, yes.
That works splendidly.

Ta-ta, boys.
Behave.

Oh.

Are you fucking her?

Of course not.
She's just a client.

You know what?
You doctors just can't

keep it in your pants,
can you?

Moving right along.

Enough about me.
Let's focus on you.

So, what's this
emergency you have?

I'm in love.

It's my roommate.

She lives in my apartment
and I'm in love with her

and I've barely even seen her
or spoken to her.

It's like...

She can't be real.

It's like she's
too good to be true.

What the hell do I do?

This is what I suggest, Greg.

Life is short.

The wise and doctor
thing for me to do

is to advise you to forget
about her completely.

Admit that you have
a love addition problem

that needs immediate attention

and aggressive
rehabilitation.

Well, I say, if you really
like this girl, go for it,

because, fuck it.

What's the worst
that could possibly happen?

She turns you down.
Big fucking whoop, Gregory.

Her turning you down
doesn't hold a candle

to your ex-girlfriend
fucking your couples therapist.

Wow.

That's very honest.

Go for it, Greg,
because if you don't,

you'll regret it
for the rest of your life.

Okay.

Okay. Yeah.

I can do this.

I think I can.

And I think this is exactly
what I needed to hear.

More or less.

Thank you.

Yeah, I mean,
let's do this.

Right?

So, do you think
I should just go for it?

I personally
think it's great.

- Yeah? You think?
- Yes.

That's why I was trying
to set you up

with Wenona
in the first place,

because you need to finally
move on from Ashley.

Whom, by the way,
is sleeping with Dr. Naik.

Jesus, really?

How many therapists
is that chick gonna take down?

No, not Ashley.
Wenona.

Oh, well, makes sense.

So, what should I do?

I've never really tried
to pick up a roommate before.

You know,
come to think of it,

the only two people
I've ever tried to swoon

were Lauren and Ashley.

Are those the only two people

you've ever had sex with?

No.

Almost.
I mean, think about it.

I was with Lauren
for seven years.

I was with Ashley for five.

God, that sounds
so depressing.

Thanks, Jules, thanks.

What should my angle be?

I don't know what that means.

My angle, my game plan,
my approach.

How do I get Peyton
to fall madly in love with me?

- Like, ASAP?
- All right, let me think.

No, I don't have anything.

Really? Nothing?

Yeah, I... I never really
had a problem getting guys.

It was just never
an issue for me.

That's 'cause you're a girl.

Maybe I should talk
to Paul about this.

Hey, maybe you just need
to start being yourself.

Yeah, really?

You think
that would really work?

Totally.

You don't think that's
a disastrous plan

that would just blow up
in my face?

Mm-mm.

It'd be good.

I mean, all right.
I might... I can do that.

Yeah, yeah, you can do that.

You get out there
and do it, kid,

because you are the...

Gregorino, welcome back!

You look like $100,000!

Man, you are aces,

and I love you
in this home, man.

Let us just
have fun together.

Huh?

I gotta go.

Yah!

Okay.

Mm, what are you cooking?

That smells delicious.

Oh, it's just a little...
little dish I whipped up

on the fly, little
spur-of-the-moment thing.

No big deal.

Wow, I never knew you cooked.

Yeah, I do lots
of really awesome stuff.

Oh, uh, you know what?

I actually made
enough for two,

and I got some wine, too.

That sounds awesome,

but Jack and I are
going to dinner.

Yeah, bro. We're hitting
up Bestia. You ever been?

It's actually the hardest
reservation in town to get,

but I just dropped
a name or two

from my rolodex-o and...

Yeah, voila!

A table magically opened up.

Well, it wasn't
really magic,

I-I basically did that!

8:00 p.m. reservation,
right up front,

day of, no less.
Nonetheless.

Wow.

That's...
really impressive.

Yeah, I know.
We were gonna Uber Select,

but, uh, I figured I'd take
my new Tezzy for a spin.

All right, wow.
That sounds... mm.

Do you want...
do you want to come with us?

No, I... it's totally cool.

I... I have... I made dinner.

Just a little thing.
It's called bún thit xào.

It's a Vietnamese
pork shoulder

over vermicelli noodles
with a supple demi-glaze.

- Wow.
- So good.

Okay.

That sounds really good.

I have a knack
for Southeast Asian cuisine.

Okay.

So, yeah,
I'm gonna make dinner

and maybe get
into some boxed wine

and watch some Kardashians.

That sounds fun.

Wow, livin' the dream.

All right, well,
enjoy dinner.

I'll... I'll see you later.

I'll see you when I get home.

- Okay.
- 'Kay.

Enjoy those Kardashians, bro.

Thanks, man.

- Is he gay?
- I don't know. Shh.

- I don't know.
- He's a tremendously good cook

and he, like, watches
the E exclamation channel.

And just like that,

Greg's life sucked ass
once again.

He couldn't believe
his bad luck.

All he wanted to do
was run after

that Tezzy driving sack of shit
with his bún thit xào knife

and stab him to death
with it

so that he could be
with Peyton.

But he decided to let
cooler heads prevail

and go see Paul instead.

Dude, you just got to nut up.

Every girl has got
Greggy-poo's head spinning.

What are you
talking about? No, they don't.

Uh, in high school,
there was that chick

with the one hand who had
the different sized titties.

What, you're talking
about Debra?

No, no, she did not
have my head spinning.

Agree to disagree, Greg.

- Treat?
- Yeah.

Mm.

What about Lauren?

Oh, come on, Lauren didn't
have my head spinning.

You had to take a six-month
leave of absence from work

for severe depression and
anxiety

when she dumped you.

Yeah, well, it was just
a phase I was going through.

What about the rest of those
girls you obsessed about

after they rejected you

before you finally landed Ash,
that fuckin' winner?

You know what? I did not
obsess over all those girls.

Bro, three out of four of them
defriended you on Facebook.

I was gonna defriend them first.

They just... they beat me
to the punch.

All I'm saying
is be careful, Greg.

Look, I am, okay?
I get it.

Paul, man.
Great hang today, huh, brother?

Mm!

Who's that?

Fuck do I know?

Hi, oh, I'm sorry.

- I...
- Oh. Oh.

I thought I was
the only one here.

No, it's okay.

I'll leave.

No, no, no, no.
Would you stay?

I'd like it if you'd stay.

Okay.

I'm not gonna bite you.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

How was dinner?

Awful.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Guy was a fucking taint.

Yeah, well,
he didn't really make

the greatest
first impression.

All he wanted to do
was have sex with me.

I'm sorry, Peyton.

Why are all guys
such slimy dick holes?

Well, not all guys
are slimy dick holes.

Some are really,
really, really great.

All he did was talk
about himself

and how much money he has,

and blah-dee-fuckity-
blah-blah-blah-blah-blah,

and then when I didn't
invite him in,

he called me a prude bitch
and he drove away in his Tezzy.

Tezzy? Really?
Fucking douchebag.

What a clit face.

Mm.

What about you, Greg,
are you in a relationship?

No, I am totally single.

Completely available.

Good.

'Cause relationships suck.

My last relationship,

we lived together
for three years,

and then I find out
that my best friend

has been fucking him
for two of the three years.

And how do I find out?

I find out because
they asked me

if I wanted to be
in a threesome with them.

- Oh, my God.
- I know!

- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.

I am so sorry.

I know exactly
how that feels.

No, you do?

It's so fucked up.

By both of them.

I found out
a month before I came out here.

It's actually
what made me pull the trigger.

Well, I mean, as awful
a situation as that is,

I... I'm really sorry
that happened to you.

You know, at least it
convinced you to come out here.

Yeah.

Hey, would it be, um,
totally inappropriate

- if we spooned?
- Fuck, no.

Okay.

I want to be
the little one.

I'd like to do it
right now.

Me, too.

Ooh.
Ooh-kay.

Ooh-kay.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's
a tad overzealous.

It feels right to me.

Mm, I'm actually having
trouble breathing.

There we go, okay.

That's good.

Good night, Greg.

Good night, Peyton.

I can feel your dick.

Come in.

Well, would you look at this.

The man was paralyzed
with anxiety and depression,

and now he's transformed himself
into a whistling Dixie

right before our very eyes.

Morning, Doc.

You got some ass, didn't you?

Nope, even better.
Cuddling.

Cuddling?

Yeah.
Total cuddle sesh.

- Cuddle sesh with whom?
- My roommate.

Ah, yes.
The roommate.

Oh, wow.
Good for you, sailor.

Give it a few more months

and maybe you can
grab a tit or two.

That's the thing, I don't even
care about the sexual part.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I mean, look, of course,
she's smoking hot,

so getting
a nice blowy or two from her

or making some sweet love
would certainly be nice.

What about in the bum?

Am I actually paying you
for these sessions?

Moving right along,
let's continue.

No, that's the different
thing about her,

is I don't care
about that part.

It's like, I don't know,
I just wanna be...

I don't know,
I just want to be near her.

You know? It's like we have
this crazy soul connection.

I don't know.
I can't describe it.

Well, that's terrific, Greg.

I'm very happy for you.

Thanks, Doc.

I feel like a new man.

I must warn you, though.

This could be
a natural high of sorts.

Given with your love addiction
and all,

sometimes the mind
creates a fictional experience,

a false high,
similar to feelings

of being lost and emptiness
during depression.

I don't want you
to get too high

and then crash and then take
a step backwards.

You know, I...
I wouldn't worry.

I think I've really
turned a corner here, Doc.

But I have to say,

those were some impressive
words of wisdom.

You actually sound like
a real doctor.

- Well, thanks, Greg.
- Yeah.

You know what?
I'll catch you later.

We have 55 minutes
left in our session.

I don't think I need 'em.

I feel great.

Plus, I gotta
take a shit.

See you later, Doc.

Aw, shit.
What's up, my girl?

Well, you seem to be
in a better mood today.

Well, I am.
I think I'm starting to feel

- like my old self again.
- Oh, that's terrific.

How's the new roommate?
Julie told me all about her.

Mom, she's amazing.
Like, I'm not kidding.

I think she's like
relationship-worthy amazing.

- Oh, boy.
- Oh, boy, what?

Just be careful
not to rush things.

When something seems
too good to be true,

it often is.

Why's everybody

keep saying that to me?

And I love your optimism,
by the way.

- You sound just like Dad.
- Well, I'm just saying.

I don't want to see you
get hurt again.

Well, son of a sailor, Mom.

Way to take the wind
right out of my sails.

Well, I don't mean to.

I'm just trying to keep you
from getting hurt,

to protect you, jeez.

Yeah, yeah.

Greg!

Mom, I gotta go. That's Jules.

Okay, say hi
to Jules for me.

I will.
And, hey, look.

You are a dirty-ass sailor,

but, God damn it,
I love you.

I love you, too, baby.
Bye-bye.

Hey, Jules, I'm in here.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Greg.

It smells like Grandpa
when he had his colonoscopy.

Sorry.

I had a pork shoulder
with vermicelli noodles

with a supple demi-glaze
last night.

Best TV dinner
I've ever had.

Oh, man, that is
just rank, Greg.

It's like a thick,
misty... just thick.

It's just really thick.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Anyway, is she here?

And are you sure
that you want to subject her

to, you know, like,
our family bowel problems?

No, of course not,
but she's not here.

- She must be in class.
- Class?

Please tell me
you're not robbing the cradle.

Grad school, Jules.
Grad school.

Thank God.
Phew.

Who is that?

I think it's for me.

I'm gonna be back
in a second.

Who is that?
Who the fuck is that?

Shut the door!
Don't leave me like this!

God damn it.

Spell my name, boy.

One!

Spell my name out loud.

Okay.

H-E-C-T-O-R.

That's right.
Do it again.

H-E-C-T-O-R.

That's right.
Do it again! Once more!

Whoo!

H-E-C-T-O-R.

Yeah!

Don't you forget,
motherfucker.

- One more time.
- H-E-C-T-O-R.

That's what
I'm talking about.

H-E-C-T-O-R.

H-E-C-T-O-R.

H-E-C-T-O-R.

Whoo!

All right, baby girl.
Good to see you.

Have you a good day.

Mm, you, too, Hector.
I will see you tomorrow.

Can't wait.

All right.

Great workout.

Not bad, pussy boy.
Not bad at all.

You might have a soldier
in there after all.

- Thank you, sir.
- Spell my name.

H-E-C-T-O-R.

All right, then.

See? Right? He's not so bad.

What are you talking about?
He's a psycho.

Oh, you're so dramatic.
And, you know what?

If you stop being so
negative and keep it up,

I think you have
a really good chance

of getting back
on his squad.

His squad?
What does that even mean?

I don't know what it means,

but I know you
want to be on it.

All right, listen,
I gotta run.

But, wait, I thought you had
to talk to me about something.

Nope.
I was just trying to trick you

into exercising,
which worked,

so you could
get those endorphins.

Oh, my God,
you are the worst!

- Ow.
- Sorry.

But I love you, Greg.

So be good.

I love you, too.

Okay, well,
feel better.

And stop
being crazy, okay?

Okay.

- Hey, Jules.
- Yeah?

Thank you.

You're welcome, girl.

The first stop

is the most important
stop of the day.

Your mind is about
to be blown

with delicious
gloriousness.

Okay, so, um,
I'm a vegetarian.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Yeah, Greg.

Have you not seen any
of the documentaries

about factory farming
and the treatment

of animals
in the United States?

- Uh, no.
- I mean, it's...

it's not appetizing,
I'll say that.

I mean, it's atrocious.

Okay.

Um, yeah.

I think there's a vegan Indian
place down the road.

- Vegan?
- Yeah.

I'm just fucking with you, dude!

I'm from Chicago,
of course I eat meat!

Come on.
You are so gullible.

Oh, my God.
I am so fucked.

I'm fisting it.

Uh, you can.

Go for it!

Whoo!

So, yeah, here we are.

This is Hollywood.

That looks like a bonsai tree,

- but a big one.
- Mm-hmm. It does.

Like, the opposite
of a bonsai tree,

but the type of tree
they make into bonsai plants?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Are you a botanist?

- On your mark...
- Okay.

...get set...

go!

Oh, my God.
This is amazing.

No, you have
a real talent.

It's nothing.
Really.

But, thank you.
I will keep it in mind

just in case the writing thing
doesn't work out.

What is this?
This is really good.

Mm.
Thank you.

It's, um, a cabernet sauvignon
from the Franzia region.

- Oh, Franzia region.
- Yes. Mm.

- Near Napa.
- Napa, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Well, I like it.

Yeah, me, too.

Lot of tannins.

So, um...
so, how's school going?

Great, actually.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah, the material's
super interesting,

and my professors
are super smart.

What about your classmates?

- Super dorky.
- Oh, nice.

No, they're...
they're good.

It sounds like
you made the right choice.

Yeah, I don't know.
I hope so.

I'm pretty sure you did.

Yeah?

Yeah.

To making the right choice.

Cheers.

I like how you decorated.

Thanks.

None of it's mine, but...

the bookcase is mine.

I like the bookcase.

Thanks.

We should, um...
we should take a weekend trip

to Franzia sometimes.

Sometime.

- Franzia.
- Franzia.

Franzia.

I'm gonna put my wine down.

Okay.

But I'm gonna be right back.

And now I'm back.

- Can I, um...
- Do you want to go this side?

I just wanna go...
I usually go like that side.

Could you do that...
on that side?

- Yeah, I'll do this side.
- Okay.

Okay.

Whatever.
I can do both, actually.

Okay.

I'm skilled
on both sides, too.

I just have to say
right off the top...

- I like your tongue.
- I was just gonna say

right off the top,
you are a great kisser.

Thank you so much.
So are you.

Sometimes you kiss people
and it's not good.

- It's awful!
- It's terrible.

But this is great!
Mm. Mm.

Do you want to go
to your room?

That's
a very loaded question.

- Are you sure?
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Holy shit, look out!

Greg's body was tingling

with the abundant joy
of new love.

And also with a lot
of nasty sexual stuff.

His heart was fooled,
his pain was gone,

and it was all
because of Peyton.

The only thing Greg
wanted to do

was run away with her,
get married,

and live happily ever after.

Ashley.

Hey, Greg.

Wow, you look great.

What are you doing here?

Can you talk?

Uh... no.

- Why?
- Not a good time.

I just need
a few minutes.

Please, Greg,
it's important.

- Fine, two minutes.
- All right.

But don't say anything.

Okay.

Greg? Greg?

I must warn you, though,
this could be

a natural high of sorts,

given with your
love addiction and all.

- Greg?
- Where's my inhaler?

Excuse me.

Greg?

What are you doing?

- Is she here?
- She's not here.

She must be in class.

Greg.

Greg, have you
been drinking?

Just be
careful not to rush things.

When seems too good to be true,
it often is.

Why does everybody
keep saying that to me?

Please tell me what the hell
is going on here?

I'm in love.
It's my roommate.

She lives in my apartment
and I'm in love with her

and I've barely even seen her
or spoken to her.

It's like I...
she can't be real.

It's like she's
too good to be true.

Okay, you're really
freaking me out now, Greg.

Oh.

And admit that you have
a love addiction problem

that needs immediate attention
and aggressive rehabilitation.

Sometimes the mind creates
a fictional experience,

a false high,
similar to feelings

of being lost and emptiness
during depression.

I don't want you
to get too high

and then crash
and then take a step backwards.

Greg?

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Are you Greg?
- Yeah.

Hi, I'm Peyton.

Oh, yeah, right, no.
I-I'm sorry.

I didn't... I... my...
I thought that when...

I thought that Peyton
was a boy's name.

I... no offense.

Greg?

Greg?

Greg?

Greg!

Marilyn French once said,

"Love is insanity."

It's the taking over
of the rational mind

by delusion
and self-destruction.

I think it's fair to say,

those words ring very true
in my case.

It's hard to know when my
breakdown officially happened.

Was it that moment
I answered the front door

and made Peyton up in my mind?

Hi.

Was it that moment
Ashley left me

for our couples therapist,
Dr. Wilbon?

Or was it something
that was years in the making.

Yes, yes.
That's his soul mate, yes!

Oh, God.

To be honest,
I'm not exactly sure.

But, look, the good news is
I'm working on getting better.

Working really, really
freakin' hard.

Over the past year,

I've attended 323 love
addiction anonymous meetings.

- I got a sponsor.
- Yes, you're fucking crazy.

Wait until you see
who that is.

Crazy.

I've taken enough
anti-depressants

and anti-anxiety pills
to make Mona Lisa smile.

And, look, I've been
working out every day

so I can get my fair share
of endorphins.

It's crazy, right?

I've even begun meditating,
for crying out loud.

What the fuck, Mom? I told you
I would call you back.

Oh, hey, Father O'Connor?
How's it hangin'?

And my sudden lack of issues

have vastly improved
Dr. Naik's sleep intake.

Doc?

I'm doing some more
adulting these days.

Like watering the plants.

And, now I'm purchasing
wine in bottles.

And I've upgraded
from the microwave,

to the stove and the oven.

And Paul and I
are living together now.

Dude, where are you going?

It's the only way
he could make sure

I didn't have
a female roommate.

- Why are you so sensitive?
- Fuck you, Greg!

And I actually did
have a mature,

adult conversation
with Ashley.

- For real this time.
- That was not...

And I got some
really nice closure.

...a good moment for you.

And to top that all off,

I've been drinking
a Los Angelan amount

of green juice smoothies.

Which you can presume
reminds me of you-know-who

every time I drink one.

Yeah, are you a Broncos fan?

Oh, God, there she is, huh?

The one and only gorgeous,
Peyton.

Man, she was awesome,
wasn't she?

I totally concur.

And look, I promise you
however disappointed

you are right now
that she wasn't real,

I am exponentially
more upset about it.

You have to admit,

I might just have
some potential as a writer

after all, right?

I mean, I did create her
in my mind, didn't I?

And I used this whole
crazy experience

for creative inspiration,
and I started writing again.

I actually wrote
a short story called,

Poor Greg Drowning:
The Story of a Love Addict.

It was recently published
in a local magazine,

and now, it's being adapted
into an animated miniseries.

It's officially
been a year

since I was violently
thrashing rock bottom.

And I'm hosting a little
shindig at the casa

de Paul and Greg tonight
to celebrate.

And you're all invited.

So I'll see you there
in three, two, one...

I still can't believe
you guys are dating.

What can I say?
She's got the best perennials

on the entire block.

Right, that's what it is.

No, seriously, Miss D,
I need to know.

What's your secret to sprouting
those gorgeous flush perennials

in this crippling drought?

Okay, if you must know...

You boys have fun.

Wow, that's incredible.

Listen, bro.
I am really proud of you.

You had some major issues

and you nutted up,
faced 'em like a man.

Congrats, my brother.

Thanks, man.

Should we hug it out?

Sure.

- All right
- Mm.

I want to second what our wise
young friend just said here.

You've come a long way, Greg.
I'm very, very proud of you.

Aw. Holy shit.
You two?

Congrats!

Thank you.

I'm so happy
and proud for you.

Listen, he may have
put a ring on it,

but I've still got a list
with your name on it,

just in case you're ever
feeling a little inspired.

All right, wow.
Thank you.

I'll catch you guys
in just a little bit.

You smell so good.

And what's your name?

I'm Paul.

- There he is!
- Hey

Hey!
Oh, it's so good.

Gregorino!

- Hi.
- Okay. Okay, let go.

- Mm-hmm. 'Kay.
- Now sit.

'Kay.
How are you feeling?

Yeah, really good, actually.
Yeah.

That's great.
So, did you talk to Ashley?

Yeah, she's been really
supportive through all this.

And I think taking the time
really made me realize

what I was doing wrong
in the relationship

and why she did what she did.

Not that that's an excuse,
but it's not all her fault.

No way.
She's a bitch.

That's her fault.

- Dan.
- Right?

No.
I'm really proud of you.

It's not easy
to look in the mirror

- and examine your own self.
- Yeah.

Have you had any more
of those hallucinations?

Yeah, I have.
Oh, Gregarino?

- Not you.
- Nope.

- That's great.
- Yeah.

It's so weird though
because she was so real.

I know, but you remember
what they said.

That can be common
when you're going through

- that sort of thing.
- Yeah. I know.

Could she open a door
on her own?

No, it wasn't real.

It's a hallu...

Just have... stop.

There's that pussy boy!

Aw, my Trojan warrior!
Ah!

I still can't believe that
you're Greg's sponsor, Hector.

Who would have thought? Universe
works in mysterious ways.

- You are not kidding.
- I am not.

What a funny, funny world!

I'm just happy this soldier's
back on the squad.

Yeah, thanks, man.

Oh, shit!
No they didn't!

- Hi!
- Hey, Mom!

There's your Mom
and her female lover.

Right?

- You look great.
- Yeah, thanks, so do you!

And this place, wow,
it's incredible!

I know, right?
I'm all, living with Paul

certainly has its perks.

- Which one's his mom?
- That's my mom!

So, how's my favorite broad
in the whole wide world doing?

I am doing great.

I may or may not have engineered

a quick little pit stop
at the old In-N-Out

- on the way here.
- Oh, shit!

- Animal style!?
- It's the only way.

Unh!

I'm sorry, Mary Jane!

How's my favorite
step-mom doing?

She is doing great,
sweetheart.

- Oh, it's good to see you.
- Oh, it's good to see you, too.

Although, I have to admit,
I am a little queasy

from the drive,
your mother on the 405.

The woman drives
like a battle axe.

Would you hush it up, MJ?

I love riling you up.
Isn't she the cutest?

- She sure is.
- And Father O'Connor!

How is my favorite man
of the big man upstairs doing!?

How many times do I have
to tell you, Greg?

I'm not a Father.
I'm a Rabbi.

I'm Jewish.

Well, bless you either way.

Thank you.

All right, I'm gonna go outside
and get some fresh air.

- You want some company?
- No, no, it's okay.

You guys, you guys...
I'll just be a second.

- You guys go mingle.
- All righty.

We'll go say hi to Jules
and her odd boyfriend.

Mr. Stiffy.

One would hope.

Peyton?