Pool Party Massacre (2017) - full transcript

- Hey Mrs. Stevens.

- Oh, it's Miss
Stevens this weekend.

My husband won't be
back till Monday,

and I really do
hate being alone.

Do me a favor honey, and help
me get some of this lotion

on my hard to reach places.

Fucking pussy.

Oh, honey, I hope you didn't
waste your time freshening up

'cause you're about
to get filthy.

- That's fine if you wanna
have your friends over

while we're gone for
a pool party dear.



Just, try not to get pregnant.

- Seriously dad?

You are so dumb.

- Blair, don't talk to
your father like that.

If it wasn't for him

you couldn't just
waste your life away

drinking by the
pool now could you?

- Mom, what the fuck?

- Oh, I'm just kidding.

I mean, it's probably
our fault anyway.

Although we also raised
your brother Blaine

and he turned out just fine.

In fact he found
someone nice to marry

and give us grandchildren.



Why can't you be more
like your brother Blair?

We could use more grandchildren.

Or at least be more like Nancy,

she's always been so
polite and responsible.

- Okay, okay, we're gonna
miss our plane if we sit here

and talk about how much
more we love Nancy than you.

- I seriously hate
both of you right now.

Can you just go before
my friends show up?

I'm completely embarrassed
to be related to you.

- Just remember, no hard
drugs, no threesomes

and nobodies allowed in our
bedroom except for Darla.

- Well darling, let's
not be total Nazi's.

I mean if it weren't
for threesomes,

we never would have met.

- Gross.

- You're so right honey buns.

I am trying not to
sound like my father.

Threesomes are okay

as long as it's not
the devil's three-way,

if you know what I mean?

- What?

Just go.

God, just go.

Go.

- Don't forget, feed Darla

and don't let her walk
outside on the pavement,

it's much too hot for
her little feeties.

- Stop making those
horrible faces.

It's gonna give
you more wrinkles.

Nancy, we're so glad you're
back in town this weekend.

- Oh.

- I wish we would
have known sooner,

we would have canceled our trip

so we could spend
more time with you.

- Oh that's completely
unnecessary Miss Winthorpe,

I'm just here, a
last minute thing

to take a little break
from grad school.

- Well, you are the only
friend Blair's ever had

that we really liked.

In fact, knowing
your here with her

is the only reason we're
not making Blaine come down

to watch the house.

- I am right here mom,

I can actually hear
what you're saying.

- Try not to let her
do anything stupid,

but if she does find a way,

just don't let her
drag you down with her.

You're better than that.

- I'll do my best.

- I love you too mom.

- Mwah.

- Have fun.

- Woah!

- Good morning.

- Creep.

- Blair.

- What?

That guy has always been creepy.

I know he's a serial killer.

- You don't know that.

- Who cares about
creepy old guy?

I'm just glad that my
parents are finally gone,

I hope their plane crashes.

- Shut up, I can't believe
you just said that.

You probably have the
coolest parents ever.

Why do you think I spent so
much time here growing up?

- Um, because your
family was poor

and didn't even have cable TV.

- Um, ouch.

I was over here so much

because my parents
weren't ever around.

Your parents actually
paid attention to us.

I love your parents.

- Whatever.

You can have them.

- Oh my god, is
that your brother?

- Oh yeah, that's
what he grew up to look like.

- Oh my god,
look at that beard.

- I know it's, so stupid.

- He used to look so normal.

And yet he's the one your
parents are more proud of.

I guess it says a lot about you.

- Go to hell.

- And this photo,

I can't believe you let
your parents hang this.

- Screw you.

I was a cute kid.

Have you seen your
childhood photos?

I seem to recall a world
record setting uni-brow.

- Um, my uni-brow never
actually won anything,

it was disqualified
for substance abuse.

- You're so weird.

- Maybe, but that
uni-brow was fierce.

I might actually grow it back.

- Oh, you do that.

I'm gonna go put this dumb
dog in my parents room

and I'll meet you
out at the pool.

What now?

What the hell are
you doing here?

- Oh, judging by your tone,

I don't suppose you'll be
trying to make out with me

in the tool shed like you
did last time I was here.

- Ew, you wish.

I was like 15 back then

and you pretty much
forced yourself on me.

- Oh well, that story certainly
worked to your benefit

back then didn't it?

- Did you think I
would actually fall

for the dirty white trash
kid that mowed our lawn?

- No, I know you were just
using me to piss off your dad.

And that's why I stopped you.

Your dad was awesome and I
wasn't gonna mess that up

just so you could get
a pony for Christmas.

- If I remember correctly,
my dad fired you.

Which means you are no
longer welcome here.

- Yeah he did, but only
because you lied to him

and told him I
forced myself on you.

I assume you left out the part

where you begged me to
take your virginity.

- What the, no.

How dare you think that

I would want you to
take my virginity.

- Look, that was
a long time ago.

Even though you pretty much
ruined my teenage years,

I'm over it.

You should be too.

We're both adults right.

- Hmm.

- My mom said Nancy was in town

and I figured she'd be here.

I haven't seen my
sister in over a year.

- Why?

Where you in jail?

- I'm more than willing to
put this shit behind me.

Play nice, even be friends,

just so I can hang
out with my sister.

So is she here?

- Step-sister.

And no, I haven't seen her.

Sorry, so I guess you'll
just have to go back to

your double wide and
drink yourself to death

like your daddy did.

- What the fuck
did you just say?

Stuck up little bitch.

You think you're so special

'cause you live in
this big, stupid house.

The world would
be a better place

without you and all your
perfect little friends.

This isn't over.

- Your degenerate
brother just stopped by.

- What?

Where is he?

- You don't actually
think I would let that

dirty trailer trash back
into my house do you?

- Blair.

- What?

I can't trust him around all
of these expensive things.

It would be irresponsible

for me to put him
in that position.

- He's not a criminal
Blair, he's a chef.

- Oh sure, take his side.

I don't understand what
you see in him anyways.

- He's my brother Blair,
that's what I see in him.

And yes, I'll always be on
his side, no matter what.

- Um, he's your step-brother

and I'm pretty sure that's
called the Stockholm situation.

- It's called family
you ding-dong.

- Oh wow, good for you.

Look how far your
family have gotten you.

- You're a piece of work,
you know that Blair.

I mean you should be
kissing my brothers ass

after what you did to
him back in high school.

- Was it that supposed to mean?

- You know what it means.

Don't tell me that
you're so self-centered

you could forget about
ruining someone's life.

- Oh, please.

He is the one that
went after me.

He is lucky that my dad
didn't press charges

and have him arrested.

- Really?

You've been telling yourself
that BS version for so long

you actually started
to believe it's true.

- It is true.

I was the victim, how dare you.

- And you certainly made a
perfect little victim didn't you.

But what you forget is
I was actually there.

I know exactly what happened.

- Oh you do?

- Yeah, I do.

You wanted to get
back at your father

like a spoiled little brat.

And when Danny rejected you

you found a way to
get back at them both.

So you invented
that little story

about him trying to make out
with you in the pool shed.

- But he did try to make out
with me in the pool shed.

- No, you lied to your father.

You got Danny fired.

And I don't even want to imagine

the beating he got from
our father because of it.

I forgave you back then

because I wanted so badly to
sit at the cool girls table.

Look how far that got me.

- Hmm.

- I'm gonna go call my brother.

- Oh my god.

There is no way

I'm wearing this disgusting
romper when they get here.

This won't ever work.

Um.

Who the fuck would wear that?

What?

Why don't I own
anything that works?

This might work.

Uh.

This is killer.

Hello?

Who is that?

Hello?

Who is that?

Where'd you go now pervert?

God, what are you doing?

- What is wrong with you now?

- Screw you.

Somebody's fucking with
me and if it's not you,

it's probably your
piece of shit brother.

- Unbelievable.

Okay, can we leave my brother
out of the conversation

for the rest of the day.

Besides, practical jokes
aren't really his style.

Now if you said somebody
was trying to kill you,

then I'd consider
Danny a suspect.

- Bitch.

Well, whoever it is,
they're about to get

a $500 bottle of Dom
shoved up their ass.

- Well then you better
wish it's not my brother,

because he'd consider
that flirting.

- Your whole
family is disgusting.

- Uh, thank you.

- Shh.

I thought I heard something.

Stupid bitch!

You scared the shit out of me.

That wasn't funny at all.

- Screw you bitch, maybe if
you didn't lock the front door

we wouldn't have to
sneak through the garage

like the goddamn housekeeper.

I need a drink.

- Does anybody know
how to make a Mojito?

- Do I look like I would know
how to make a fucking Mojito?

- I'm not even Italian.

- What about a Miami Vice?

- No, I'm not a
fucking bartender.

- Doesn't your dad like
own bars or something?

- Yeah, like 20 of them.

That's why we have people
make the drinks for us.

- You're on your
phone, you google it.

- I'm in the middle of
something, you google it.

- Why don't you go grab a
few bottles of champagne.

Blair, I assume my dad
pays your dad enough money

to afford the good stuff?

- Nancy, be a doll and go grab
a couple bottles of champagne

from the wine chiller and
then meet us out by the pool.

- Um, how about I say hi first.

- Um, hi.

- Are we supposed to know
who you are or something?

Did you work for one of our
houses before you came here?

- I don't work here.

I'm Nancy.

- Nancy.

- We went to high
school together.

- Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.

- I sat next to
you in Economics.

You copied off my tests.

Seriously?

- Can you just go
grab the champagne.

- Well of course Miss
Blair, I'll get right on it.

It was great catching
up with you guys.

- Thank you.

- Bye.

- Everything you need
is behind the bar.

Don't forget to put it on
ice, meet you by the pool.

Alright let's go.

Ladies.

Oh, let me put on some music.

- Much better.

- Please tell me
this pool is saline.

My skin cannot handle chlorine.

- I just hope it's
fucking heated

or I'm not getting in at all.

- The pool is heated.

It's not chlorine and
champagne is on the way.

So stop your bitching
and start relaxing.

- What a psycho.

- Who?

- Drew he keeps texting
me, like non stop.

- What's his problem?

- I told him I was going to
the spa today with my mom

so he wouldn't bug me.

But apparently my mom just
posted a picture of herself

eating lunch with Dwayne Newton.

- Who?

- I don't know, but now
he's pissed and freaking out

and he thinks that
I'm cheating on him.

- Who cares?

He's not even that hot.

He's totally got a dad vibe.

- Yeah, just get over it.

He looks like a homeless man.

- And didn't you say he
likes toys or something,

such a creep and a
total fucking loser.

- Yeah, such a loser.

- But, you probably
can't do better anyways,

so you should just
stay with him.

- Bitch.

- He does totally
worship you though.

- Plus, he parents
do own half of Maui

so you should think about that.

- Aren't you supposed
to be friends?

Like aren't you supposed
to tell me how pretty I am

and how much I don't
need a man in my life?

- This isn't a movie, so no.

You're not getting any younger

and the only job you truly
qualify for is being a hooker.

So get those lips around that
rich dick and hold on tight.

- Damn.

- Oh my god, you guys are right.

I don't wanna end up old
and desperate like her mom.

I better go and
call him right away.

- What's her problem?

- Sugar daddy issues, but
who cares about her anyways?

Let's just drink.

- Come on Drew,
answer the phone.

Hey sweetie, I'm so sorry I
missed all your text messages.

You know, my mom canceled so
I went to the spa with Blair.

I know how you hate girl drama,

you know, you're such
a busy guy and all.

You know what, I promise
I'll make it up to you

the next time I see you.

Alright sweetie, I love you.

Bye.

Mwah.

- Pool party bitches.

- She's still on the phone.

- Of course she is,

she's on the phone with
her stupid boyfriend

and we may never see her again.

- Hey Blair, I hope you don't
mind but I invited Troy over.

- Wait, I thought
this was a girls day?

Blair, you said no boys allowed.

- Yeah, I did say
no boys allowed.

And I fucking meant it.

Text that prick right now
and tell him he can't come.

- Oh, you're not still mad
that I stole him from you

back in the eighth
grade are you?

We weren't even friends then.

Besides, you were still a virgin

and guys like Troy
need someone who will,

you know, satisfy their
needs a little bit.

- Oh, I've heard you
satisfying his needs before

it sounds more like
torture porn to me.

- No, I am not still
mad about that.

I never liked him,
he's a complete perv.

Which is the real reason why
I don't want him at my house.

But we also all agreed, no boys.

- Take the stick out of
your ass for a second.

His parents are home all weekend

and my parents don't know
that we're back together.

So, we need your house to spend
some quality time together.

- You mean like torture porn.

- Well I guess you'll
have to watch to find out.

- Look, I don't give a shit
what freaky stuff you guys do

in your own homes, but
there is no goddamn way

you and Troy are gonna
do it in my house.

- You bitches talking about me.

- Hey baby, I missed you.

- So, what is it that we're
not doing at Blair's house?

- Everything.

I mean, anything.

You aren't even supposed
to be here today.

- You're so rude.

- I don't care if it is,
he was never invited,

he's not supposed to be here
and nobody wants him here.

- Well I'm pretty
sure that's not true.

This chick hasn't taken her
eyes off me since I got here.

And I haven't even
taken off my shirt yet.

- Go home Troy.

- Don't worry about her
baby, she's just jealous.

- Not it's alright, I guess
I'll not ruin your pity party.

I'll be the gentleman and go.

- Thank you Troy.

- But, I'm not going far.

I'm gonna take his piece
of ass with me too.

Bro, beer me.

- Yes brother.

How's it going?

I'm Clay.

I'm Troy's brother.

- Do you think you could
take your grandpa with you?

It's probably his
nap time anyway.

- Whoa, take it easy sugar tits.

I'm not that much
older than you are.

- Yeah right, you probably went
to high school with my dad.

- Actually,
if I had been held back

for just one more year,

you and I would've gone
to high school together.

And I probably would have
taken your virginity.

- Over my dead body.

- Necrophilia is a dying art.

- Ew, I don't even
know what that means.

- Well, now that
the ice is broken.

Let's get this party started.

Whoa yeah.

Good, you like it?

- Did you hear that?

Someone's at the door I think.

- Unless you ordered us
another Asian prostitute

I don't give a shit.

- So, are you gonna come down
here and fuck me or what?

- Oh I am indeed.

But first, I have to
teach you a little lesson.

- Ooh, I have been a bad girl.

- Hey could one of you
girls do me a favor

and help me put some lotion
on my hard to reach places?

- Nobody wants to put
sunscreen on your dick Clay.

- Oh honey, my dick isn't
hard to reach at all.

In fact, you could probably
reach it from there

if you just say the
right things to it.

- Does saying creepy stuff
like that ever work on girls?

- No, but I have a feeling
it's gonna work on her.

- I don't get it.

- Oh, but you will.

- Ew, no way.

- Well, she is a little slutty.

- Who are we talking about?

- Not slutty enough
to make that mistake.

- Hey, I have
feelings too you know.

- I actually thought he was
kind of cute when he walked in.

- You did?

- Not anymore.

- Suit yourself.

I already have my sights locked
in on another target anyway.

- Gross.

- You're grosser than I am.

- Did Tiffany really
steal Troy from you

back in eighth grade?

- Hmm.

- I don't think I could
be friends with someone

if they did that to me.

- Please, she did me a favor.

Besides, you're probably
the only one of us here

who doesn't have a boyfriend
that she's slept with.

You just get used to her being--

- A rat shit hoe.

- Exactly, yeah.

- Oh man it's so hot out here.

I think I should probably
slip into something

a little more suitable
for this weather.

Yeah.

Anyone wanna come slap it?

- Tell me about it,

you said no boys at the party,

what about that fucking idiot?

Come on Britney.

- Oh you better be covering
that thing up with something

before you get out of the water,

or I swear to god
I will rip it off.

- Don't you threaten
me with a good time.

- Yeah, I think
they're all in there.

You can count 'em if you want.

- What's that babe?

Yeah, I don't know.

I mean you took an
awful lot out of me,

I don't if I'm ready
for another round.

Tell you what, I'm
gonna go downstairs,

I'm gonna order a
pizza and grab a beer.

I'll give you a minute
to warm up okay.

Babe!

You're in luck, my boner's back.

What the fuck?

- You son of a bitch!

- Oh come on baby,
it was just ice.

I didn't even think it
was gonna bother you

since your veins
are filled with it.

- That's not funny.

Can you just not be a
total jerk for like an hour

so your brother can finish
defiling his girlfriend

and then you can both get
the hell out of my house.

Are you serious right now?

- Jeez, Blair chill out.

This is supposed to be a party.

- I don't know why she
insisted to have a pool party

at her house anyways.

My parents pool is
twice the size of hers.

Plus we have a water slide.

- Why do you want a water slide?

I thought you couldn't
even get your hair wet.

- That's not the point.

The point is, it would just
be cooler if we had one.

Plus at my house we
have a full time staff.

I can't believe she
expects us to get up

every time we need a refill.

- Yeah.

- I don't even think
the pool is saline.

- What does that mean?

- Seriously, Ferris Bueller

he's just a figment of
Cameron's imagination,

he doesn't really exist.

- Oh really.

- Think about it.

Ferris, Ferris is everything
that Cameron wants to be.

He's the good looking,
charismatic version of Cameron

who isn't afraid to
stand up to his dad

and he gets the girl in the end.

- So, you're saying that every
time we see Ferris on screen

it's actually Cameron
imagining him there?

How does everybody
know he exists?

I mean, there's a water
tower with his name on it.

Does Cameron think that?

- No, he didn't paint it.

It's the Fight Club theory.

Just like Edward
Norton's character Jack

really is Tyler Durden.

- But--

- Or at least he's
slowly becoming him.

Like he doesn't know it.

He thinks Tyler Durden is real.

Cameron, Cameron's the same way.

He actually really
is Ferris Bueller.

So in turn Cameron's

the one who's picking
up Sloane from school,

he's the once
dancing on the float

and throughout the entire movie

Cameron is just finally
embracing his alter ego

and slowly becoming Ferris
Bueller permanently.

- First of all, Edward Norton's
character in Fight Club

isn't called Jack, he
doesn't have a name

so your theory can jump
off a cliff at this point

because Cameron
does have a name.

Plus there's this whole
incident where Ferris's father

almost catches them.

You know the Abe Froman thing.

I mean I'm sorry

but your theory just does
not make sense to me at all.

- Yeah, you know what,

actually I think I
screwed it up okay.

Yes, Ferris is a figment
of Cameron's imagination

but so are the events
of the whole entire day.

There is no Ferris,

Sloane yes, she is the hot
chick that he's in love with.

But he doesn't stand a
chance of getting her.

Cameron, Cameron he's crazy.

He's still just
sitting at home, sick,

dreaming up the whole day.

And that journey they
take, that's just something

that Cameron wishes
he had the guts to do.

And as his dream comes
to end, as they all do.

He's slowly turning into
Ferris in real life.

So, in turn he
finally has the balls,

the calmness to
stand up to his dad

and destroy his dad's
most prized possession.

His fancy car.

See?

And this isn't my
theory by the way,

I just know it's real, it's
been proven on the internet.

- Well if it's been
proven on the internet

then it must be true.

- Shh.

Listen, listen, listen.

Why don't, why don't you
and I go inside together

and we can watch it right now.

And then, then you can see
for your sweet little self.

- Is this what this
whole thing is?

An elaborate pick up line.

- Elaborate pick up line?

No, come on.

Okay, yes, maybe.

- I'm not going
anywhere with you

unless it's a brightly
lit, overcrowded place

where I know the
available exits, okay.

- Come on, I also
have another theory

I wanted to show
you, share with you.

Ah, I blew it.

- Oh I bet you do.

I reject that theory too.

- Hey, Britney.

- What are you
guys talking about?

- Uh, are you familiar

with the whole Ferris
Bueller Fight Club theory?

Because it will blow your mind.

- Um, I didn't understand
a word you just said

but it sounds super
boring and I need a drink.

- Whoa, hey, I just
so happen to have

a carafe full of the finest
cocktail that money can buy.

- Oh yeah, what's it called?

- What's it called?

It's Spanish, it's called
a, a Dirty Sanchez.

- Oh my god.

- That sounds totes gross.

- Wait, you mean to tell me

that you've never had
a Dirty Sanchez before?

- I don't think I have.

Why is that weird?

- It's a little weird,

to tell you the truth
I'm just shocked.

I would've thought a super
cool, fashion forward woman

such as yourself would
be ahead of the trends.

- Well, I try to be.

I'm almost verified
on Instagram.

- I assure you, you will
never forget the first time

that somebody gives
you a Dirty Sanchez.

I would be honored
to be your first.

- Fantastico, sign me up.

- Alright.

Just gonna need you to
bend over a little first,

I don't wanna miss and
get it in your eye.

- Is this really happening?

- Oh yeah.

- Oh my god, that's disgusting.

Why would Spanish people
drink something so gross?

- Well I guess she
doesn't swallow,

is that gonna be a
problem for you stud?

- It's burning,
why is it burning?

- You know what?

You girls are a disgrace
to hot chicks everywhere.

I'm just trying to
be a proper gentleman

and show you ladies a good time.

How about you Blair?

May I introduce to a little
Dirty Sanchez action?

- Go fuck yourself Clay.

- Whoa , put the
claws away kitty cat.

I would think you, more than
any of these other girls

could use a nice
little crotch massage.

And lucky for you,

I just so happen to be
a licensed masseuse.

- You are a sad,
strange little man

and you have my pity.

- That's, did you
quote Tolstoy to me?

- Go fuck yourself Clay.

- You know what, fine.

I think I'm gonna
go do just that.

- What?

- Yeah, that's a
great idea Blair.

And since you girls clearly
do not know how to party,

I'm just gonna have to take
matters into my own hands.

That's right, it's a two hander.

- Oh my god, seriously?

- Yeah, it's fucking huge.

- That's not what I meant.

- Well, I'm dead
fucking serious.

I am going to sprinkle my seed
all over that goddamn house.

- Don't you dare.

- Now all I have to do

is figure out which one of
you lovely, lovely ladies,

is going to be my
virtual assistant.

- Clay I'm serious, you keep
your sperm away from my house.

- Don't look at me, I'm not
going anywhere near that thing.

You can go stop him yourself.

- Ooh, yeah Blair, please.

I welcome you to
try, but, be a doll

and just give me a few minutes

to reach my vinegar
stroke first okay?

- You're disgusting

and you're not even supposed
to be here right now.

Fine, fuck it.

Jerk yourself off
in my bathroom,

I'm not gonna let your
sperm ruin my pool party.

- What's a vinegar stroke?

- It's when a guy
is about to come

and he starts
making hideous faces

and it pretty much ensures

you're not gonna come
if you look at him.

- Is that a real thing?

- Yeah, it is real and
it looks like this.

- Oh, I think I've
seen that before.

You mean like.

Right?

- I think it goes
more like this?

- Really and how would you know?

- What?

I'm a grown up, I guess.

Not a nun, technically.

I banged a hell a lot of dudes.

- Well would you please
stop talking about coming,

I'm trying to relax.

- Whoa.

I wonder where they keep

the jerk off material
in this shack.

Whoa, jackpot.

Well Blair, it looks like you

are going to be the
lucky lady today my dear.

Oh, yes please.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
stop the clock.

This one's even better.

Oh yes, oh baby.

I'm gonna get me some of that.

Yeah.

Oh yes.

Yes.

Oh yes.

Oh yeah.

You're looking good tonight.

Hmm.

Yeah.

Don't look at me.

Don't you look at me, turn away.

Oh yeah.

Oh yes.

You're here too.

- Hey bro, I got your
pie right here bro.

Sup man, I got your pizza.

Did you order pizza bro?

Hello, did you order a pizza?

Holy shit, you're not gonna
kill me with that thing are you?

You're not on ludes are you bro?

- Oh, oh Mrs., Mrs. Blair.

Oh god.

- Dude cash talks or
the pizza walks bro.

- Oh, ooey.

Oh you remind me of my
sixth grade teacher.

Mrs. Smith, oh Mrs. Smith.

Oh yeah, oh whack.

You're a funny creature.

Oh, ow that hurt a little bit.

Oh.

Ooh.

Oh yeah, you got one chubby.

You got one.

I'm gonna go.

Okay baby.

Oh, oh yeah.

Oh yeah.

That's it.

Can I take your pants off.

Oh god yes.

Shh, shh.

Yeah I got it.

Oh.

Oh Mrs. Blair's
mom, give it to me.

Oh yeah.

I'm gonna come.

- No, no, no, Botox paralyzes
the muscles in your face

to reduce wrinkles.

Collagen helps to fill in the
wrinkles you already have.

- So they both do
the same thing?

- I mean I guess so.

Look, all I know is
that you need both

if you wanna stay hot.

- Oh god, I hope
it's not too late.

I don't wanna end up
looking like our PE teacher

from high school,
Mrs. Gillespie.

- You sure know how
to throw a pool party.

- I do not want to hear
it, especially from you.

I'm surprised my parents
haven't sent a limo for you

so you could meet them in Paris.

- Oh they offered,

but I told them I had
some studying to do.

- Very funny.

And besides what would
you know about partying?

You brought a book
to pool party,

maybe it's you that's
killing the buzz.

Did you think about that?

- Hey, I love a good pool
party just like the next girl.

But some of us have
to work for money.

- Yeah, that sounds horrible.

- Besides, I seem to remember

people swimming at pool parties.

- If you even knew
how much it cost

to get my hair like this,

you would give me
a fucking medal

for being brave enough
to even go near the pool.

- Yeah, the wet look only
really works on supermodels,

they're not even human.

- What the fuck is
that supposed to mean?

- What?

- So, suddenly I'm not
supermodel material?

You know what, speak
for yourself bitch.

Because everyday I wake
up, I'm a supermodel.

So you better take
that shit back.

- Sorry, I didn't
mean it like that.

- Just shut up and pour me
another glass of champagne.

- The champagne's all
gone, how do we order more?

- Sweetheart, you're gonna
have to go get it yourself.

Or ask Nancy to do it.

- Sorry ladies, you're gonna
have to go get it yourself.

I'm actually gonna swim
at this pool party,

so shield your eyes from
the horrors of wet hair.

- I don't wanna go by myself.

- Fine, I'll go with you.

We're gonna need something
stronger than champagne anyway,

if we're gonna be
he here all day.

God, she better have
something good to drink.

- Hmm.

- Ooh, smell this one,
it smells like bananas.

- Yum.

Smell this one, it
smells like throw up.

- Why would I wanna smell it
if it smells like throw up?

I mean, it can't
be that hard right?

You don't even need a high
school diploma to be a bartender.

- Yeah, my mom
watches the movie Cocktail

like all the time so I kind
of know what I'm doing.

- I like it.

See, I told you it
wasn't that hard.

I think we just shake it like.

God, I just spilled
it all over me.

Oh my god, oh my god,

what if it starts to
react with self tanner

and I look like a fucking leper?

- Holy shit I think I
already see it happening.

- Oh my god, I gotta
take a shower right now.

Worst pool party ever.

My self tanning lotion.

Oh my god.

Stupid shower cap, this
never would have happened

if the party was at my house.

I hope this doesn't
ruin my skin.

Really bad.

Britney is that you?

Hey can you check in the
cabinet for me for razors?

Gotta clean up my landing strip

in case that attorney
from LA texts you back.

And we are dipping
as soon as he does.

What the fuck?

- Here try my new drink.

- Um, I better not.

Jasmine will probably not

wanna share a drink
with a peasant.

- Just take it, she had
a little accident inside

and she had to go
upstairs to take a shower.

- What?

What kind of accident?

- Oh it's okay, she just spilled
her drink all over herself.

But it didn't get in
her hair so it's fine,

it's no big deal.

- Did you clean it up?

- Um, no, there's people
that do that for a living.

Besides I heard if
alcohol gets on your tan

it can ruin your skin.

- Your logic blows
my mind sometimes.

- Thank you.

- It wasn't a compliment
and there is no way

I'm gonna get stuck
cleaning up your mess.

You know what?

Forget it.

I'm not gonna let your
stupidity ruin my day.

- I made it all by myself.

- Wait, I'm not gonna get Dirty
Sanchezed if I drink am I?

- No, I'm not really a fan of
get Dirty Sanchezed anymore.

- Okay, that
completely took me off guard.

It's so good.

Hmm, yum.

Hello.

So, what do you think
Tiffany and her boyfriend

are doing in there?

- I'd really rather
not think about it.

I already threw up once today.

- Well what room do you
think they're doing it in?

- Goddammit Nancy, I
am trying really hard

to forget about the
fact that everybody else

is ruining my pool party
and now you are too.

- Would you relax?

I'm just messing with you.

Besides, I can't
really call this party.

Except for the few
minutes Clay was naked.

Speaking of Clay, how
do you think he's doing?

Too bad he's creepy.

I kinda liked him.

- Oh my god, oh
my god, oh my god.

- What happened?

- He just commented my photo.

- Who commented on your photo?

- Jim.

- Jim who?

- Jim Gates, the hunky
attorney from LA.

- Right, that Jim.

- I have to go tell Jasmine.

- Your friends keep getting
weirder and weirder.

- Jasmine, where are you?

You're never gonna believe
who commented my pic.

Jasmine.

Jasmine.

Jasmine!

Jasmine, he just liked
three of my photos.

Oh my god Jasmine, I think
he wants to meet up later.

Oh my god.

What is going on?

What the fuck is going on?

Oh my god.

Please just leave me alone.

Please don't kill me.

I didn't even do
anything to you.

Please just leave me alone.

- You must be crazy.

- No, I'm serious.

You need to go in there and
see what everybody's doing.

- Why?

So I can watch Tiffany get
plowed by her meat head boyfriend

or stumble in on his
idiot brother jerking off

while thinking about me.

Or even worse find out
that Britney and Jasmine

are actually lesbians

and then have that image
burned into my brain forever.

No thank you.

These people are ruining
my parents house.

They're turning it
into a den of sin

and I'm not going in
there until it's clean.

- Wow, this is
not how I imagined

you'd turn out as an adult.

You were actually
fun to be around.

I mean, when you weren't
trying to impress

Tiffany and her friends,
you were actually human.

- I never wanted to be like
Tiffany and her friends,

I just needed them
in the beginning

so people could, you
know, give me a chance.

See me for who I really was,

but, I don't need them anymore.

- And buying expensive clothes
was the only way to do that?

- No, you can't say anything
because you never complained

when my mom bought you
new clothes or a makeover.

- Okay, I admit it.

I wanted to fit in too.

I had one friend in this
entire world and that was you.

And I didn't wanna lose you,

I had to at least try to fit in.

- It's not like I was gonna
stop being friends with you.

I'm not completely heartless.

- How was I supposed to know?

Those girls, the ones
in your house right now,

they're heartless and I
knew they would convince you

to just leave me behind if I
didn't at least try to fit in.

- I never realized I
meant so much to you.

- Whoa, don't start inflating

that little head
of yours just yet.

It was because of
your parents too.

Besides, you did end
up leaving me behind.

But lucky for me high
school was over so.

- Oh, so now that
you're all grown up

you don't need me or
my parents anymore.

- I didn't say that.

Your mom and dad will always
be like parents to me.

But, you know, I
just figured out

I don't need to try so hard
to make friends, you know.

True friends are the ones you
make when you're not trying.

- This was the part where
you start singing right?

- Screw you, I'm being serious.

- So am I.

Remember when we used to turn

all of our favorite
movies into musicals?

For years you couldn't
say anything serious

without turning it into a song.

And your voice, oh,
it was horrible.

- My voice was horrible?

- Yeah.

- Have you heard yourself?

- Uh, yeah, I took
singing lessons.

- Yeah to be as good as I was.

You're jealous.

- There was a reason
why I was always Janet

and you were always Magenta

and it wasn't just
your bad hair.

- Okay so listen,
here's the thing.

I know I haven't
been home for long

and I'm always busy studying
and I don't party much.

But, I think you
need to get in there

and start opening some doors.

- No, ew.

- You need to get that
stick from between your legs

and put something else in there.

- Okay, you can't be serious.

- I'm serious, just pick a
door okay and go with it.

And you might come out a
better person because of it.

Or maybe not, maybe you'll
just have a cool experience.

- Okay, you're disgusting

for even suggesting
something like that.

Thank god you're not going to
school to be a social worker

because you give
horrible advice.

- Well you might be
onto something here.

I might change majors.

- If you are so obsessed with me

playing some perverted
sexual roulette

why don't you walk in and
show me how it's done.

- I'm not obsessed,

I'm just trying to imagine
all the fun and crazy things

that are going in your
bedroom right now.

- They fucking better not.

- Okay, take your time.

I'm just gonna have
some champagne.

- Nancy.

Don't tell me you're
actually opening doors.

My parents are gonna be
very disappointed in you.

Nancy, do you remember my
dads rules about threesomes?

Hey, no one's allowed
in my parents room.

That better be the dog.

You asshole!

- Whoa, wait what did I do?

Are you kidding me?

Did you hide this
body behind the door

just so it could fall on me?

- Maybe.

- Who does that?

Are you trying to prove to me
that you're a fucking psycho?

- Who does that?

How about any killer from
ever horror movie in the 80's.

You couldn't open
anything back then

without a dead body
falling out of it.

Guess what, now I know why.

'Cause it's fucking hilarious.

- Oh yeah, really funny.

Holy shit, what
is wrong with you?

- What do you mean?

- Are you doing perverted
shit with my dead friends?

- No, I mean a little bit.

- When I asked you
to help me kill them,

I did not think you were gonna
have sex with their corpses.

- Whoa, I'm a happily
married man Blair.

- Who does weird
shit with dead girls.

- Look, no marriage is perfect.

- And who the hell is that?

- That's the pizza guy, duh.

- And what the hell
is he doing here?

- Listen Blair, I actually
took this job seriously.

So when you asked me to do this,

I practiced on a
couple of people okay.

- A couple of people?

Who else did you kill?

- Just Mrs. Stevens.

- Our next door neighbor?

- Yeah.

Maybe the pool guy.

- Maybe?

You have killed so many people

that you can't even keep track?

- Okay, definitely her pool guy

is that what you wanna hear?

- Is that it?

Did you have time to
kill maybe the paper boy

or the landscaper?

- Why would I kill
the landscaper?

That guy's cool.

- And are you sure that's it?

- Dora the crazy lady.

- Okay, she's fucking crazy
anyway, so it doesn't matter.

But that's it?

- Yeah, look that's
definitely I've killed so far.

But am I fucking close
to finished Blair?

- What?

- I've finally found
something that I'm good at.

I'm really fucking good at this.

I mean take a look around.

I wish you could've
seen me Blair,

I should film it next time.

That's what I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna film it, then I
can watch it the next day

and see if I've
made any mistakes.

Oh my god, that's brilliant.

- You sound like a
complete psychopath.

You were never supposed
to leave any trace behind

so we could frame
the whole thing

on the creepy guy
across the street.

I worked really hard on
planning on this whole thing.

Everything was
perfect on my end.

- Perfect huh?

I don't seem to remember
those two assholes

in your perfect little plan.

- Everything was perfect
until they showed up,

but that didn't seem to
be too much of a problem

for you now did it?

I held up my end of the bargain

and you on the other hand
are obviously a big fuck up,

who can't do anything right.

- You know what Blair?

Fuck your stupid plan, okay.

Because I want everyone
to know I did it.

In fact, I don't want
anyone else taking credit

for my fucking work.

- Excuse me?

- Yeah, I am the best
killer in history,

and the whole world
is gonna know it.

You'll see.

- Best ever huh?

- Dammit.

Nancy.

Really Nancy, the
stairs, so typical.

Well I hate to tell you

but I think all
those rooms are taken

because your friends are dead.

- Oh god.

- Hello Nancy.

- Get away from me,
you're a fucking psycho.

- I know I'm a psycho Nancy,

have you seen what I did?

It's kind of fucking nuts.

But really hard to pull off,

so I expect a little
bit of credit.

- You don't have to do this,

you don't have to kill anyone,

especially not for
your crazy sister.

- Actually I do.

I have to kill a lot of people.

Not for her, but for me.

If I'm gonna get in
the history books

I need to up my body
count and guess what?

You get to be one of my victims.

You're gonna be famous,
just like me and Blair.

- You're crazy.

- If it makes you
feel any better,

I'm gonna miss you the most.

You're not like
the others Nancy.

Not like slutty
slut McGee in here.

Nice one.

- Hi Nancy.

Goddammit Nancy, you are
making this so weird.

This is awkward.

- What is wrong with you?

How could you kill
all of your friends?

- How could I not want to
kill all of my friends?

They always thought they
were so much better than me,

they were dirty, filthy pigs

and no matter what I did
when they were still alive,

I would never be prettier
or more popular than them.

But now I am.

Everyone will be my friend now.

- Are you fucking nuts?

- No.

I am the sole survivor of
a mass murdering psychopath

who watched her bets
friends get killed

right in front of her eyes.

Add in the fact that I'm hot
and I'll be famous by Monday.

- You did all this
to become famous?

Why couldn't you just make a
sex tape like everybody else?

- I might be crazy,
but I am not a slut.

And those dirty whores
would have done anything

to make sure I never got
more attention than them.

So I had to remove
the competition.

- Competition, what about me?

I would have been happy for you.

- Yeah, you would have been.

And that's the exact
kind of bullshit

you've been pulling
my whole life

to make my parents
like you more than me.

And now, you're dying.

- Worse pool party ever!

- No, no, no.

- No, no, no!

Why!

God.

Why?

- Pool party massacre.

- I knew those little shits

would grow up to
be serial killers.