Poly People (2020) - full transcript
A polyamorous relationship of 4 people facing trials and tribulations in their own uniquely comedic ways.
(dramatic music) (glass shattering)
[robot voice reads the text]
- I'm 28, I'm bisexual, and I am currently
sharing myself with three lovers.
And I say sharing because we're all equally
giving to one another in our little house of love.
We were the first to meet.
- Hi, I'm Cuddelz and I'm a 19 year old twink.
What? I am a twink.
(giggling)
Anywho, we met on Bumble BFF,
which is a section of the Bumble app for meeting friends,
AKA cuddle buddies.
- I took her home and we cuddled everywhere.
(soft music)
- Our heart chakras were wide open for each other.
I pressed her so tenderly to my naked chest.
It was like bonding mommies and babies.
Except we exploded with orgasms.
(giggling)
- Well, Lez was the second lover I met.
And it was love at first sight at that
eighties themed dyke bar.
- Oh yeah, I walked over to her
with a couple of audios motherfuckers in tow
and asked her to grind.
- We grinded very sensually to Time After Time.
- She was definitely the hottest bitch
at the Clit Clit Boom that night.
And I knew something real was gonna happen.
Or at least that we'd trib a whole bunch.
- Baby.
- Like they know what it means.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Well, now they do.
Lastly, but not least to meet was Tucker.
Do you wanna...
- Oh yeah. - Sorry.
- (chuckles) And admittedly it happened
in a pretty heterosexual way
but it was still beautiful.
- Here I was at this huge 4th of July beach party.
- And he hit me so hard in the face
with this plushy beach ball,
(laughs) beach ball toy,
that it actually Chuck Norris'ed my eye pouch.
(laughing)
Ow!
Oh.
- Hi.
Well, I made up for her with a bottle of cranberry juice.
And I also asked her to dance with me to,
what's the name of that country girl?
Taylor Swift.
Yeah, Taylor Swift. - Excuse me.
Taylor Swift is not country anymore.
Like for a long-- - She was at the time.
She was at the time, right?
- A long time.
- But the fact that he was so willing
to open his heart to me and take my lovers as his lovers.
I've never met a more open and beautiful
straight man before.
- Well and thus began my journey
into this polyamorous relationship.
♪ Purple hat, cheetah print
♪ Dancing on the
♪ People, people, dancing on the people ♪
♪ With the people on the
(soft jingling)
- Jesus, Tucker, who is that?
- That's my dad.
- What, is he texting like one word at a time?
- Well actually, yes.
He is texting one word at a time.
He doesn't know how to text.
Huh.
Huh.
- What's wrong?
- My parents are coming to visit us.
- Okay and that's bad news why?
- I haven't seen my parents for over two years.
So they don't really know about my...
Lovers situation.
Per se.
- What?
Tucker, we've been together for two years.
How have we never come up in conversation?
- You have but it's just,
every time you guys come up in a conversation,
I kind of refer to you guys as my girlfriend.
- [Lez] You gotta be fricking kidding me, Tucker.
- Why, what's going on?
- Tucker's parents are coming to visit.
- Yay!
- [Lez] And they don't know about us.
- Well, I'll take that yay back.
- Does it worry me?
Yeah, it does.
Look, I know that coming out to your parents is a huge deal
and I'm not gonna try and push him into it but
in my experience, hidden relationships don't end well.
They usually just...
End.
- I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.
I just don't know how to tell my parents
I have three lovers and one of them is a guy.
- Okay Tucker, Cuddelz is your girlfriend, okay?
- Correction, he's my boyfriend.
- Something interesting about me.
I hate labels.
- [Lez] Cuddelz is your girlfriend because she goes by she.
- She goes by they.
So they is he and she. - She always goes
by she with me. - Well, but she goes by--
- Lez, I'm a boy 'cause I have a penis and I love it.
- Thank you.
- Tucker, I'm also a girl because I have a feminine soul.
So how about gender neutral?
No he, no she, no left, no right.
No bullshit, no BS.
Non-binary.
It's not that hard.
Pretty sure your parents would get it right away.
- Do we all identify differently?
Yes, that's true.
But I think it's good we're all so diverse.
It keeps things interesting.
Fresh.
It's sexy.
- It's very draining.
Having to live up to the expectations
and having your lovers trying to put you in a box.
Not even my parents were like that.
But then again, I'm aware that it's not
everybody's as lucky as I am, especially Tucker.
He's from a very small town, conservative.
So yeah, it must be very difficult for him
to come out in a polyamorous relationship.
Yeah.
What are we gonna do about it?
They gotta stay with us.
- No, I was thinking they can stay in a hotel
and I can just go and stay-- - No, no, no, no, no, no.
I have an idea.
- I was afraid of that.
- Lez. - What?
- Drag time.
- Tucker. - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Cuddelz is the best in having the worst ideas.
So I am complying with them because...
Well, Cuddelz is forcing me to.
(upbeat country music)
- Okay, so here's the deal.
So your parents will take the guest room.
Lez and I will pass as a straight couple roommates.
You know what I'm saying?
And Abigail will take the lead.
I know, it's not fully there yet.
I was aiming for something like a John Wayne type of deal.
Although it turned out a little something like a Joanne.
But I think we can pass.
Maybe if we change a little thing or two.
I don't know, the socks?
Right?
You look gorg.
Yee-haw.
- Well.
Eh.
Hmm.
(soft music)
- Abs, I just--
- I think you look pretty.
Ish.
- Look, I love Tucker and I'd do anything for him.
But this isn't me.
This isn't anybody. - I know.
- My parents used to dress me this way.
I feel like I'm being pulled back in the closet.
It's a very dark place to be in.
- I knew this day would come sooner or later.
And it's here, it's happening.
(chuckles)
So yeah, I think I should just, you know, man up.
I guess it's time to man up.
Okay guys, this is not gonna work out.
I'm sorry.
Cuddelz.
You look like you came out of Toy Story.
- What? - Yeah, you do.
- And Lez.
No.
Guys, the truth is I cannot have you guys
pretending to be who you're not.
I love three beautiful people that I'm proud of.
That I have to stand up for.
I have to stand up for you guys.
I have to stand up for us.
So I thought about it and well...
Well, I decided that I,
I'm gonna tell my parents.
Well, my parents are not coming.
Yeah, it turned out that my mom
doesn't really want her new boobs.
She said that God made her that way
and she feels more comfortable with her body
the way it is right now.
My dad, on the other hand, he's pretty disappointed.
He was really looking forward to the new...
Wife, I guess.
So yeah.
- Having four lovers means you need to be very mindful
of balancing everyday life.
For example, we don't let Lez
do any of the grocery shopping anymore.
- Hey, babe.
- Hi.
- I got the milk and eggs.
- Oh, I told you to get salmon too.
- No.
No.
You-- - What the hell is this?
- [Lez] Salmon milk.
- I did not, in any way, say to get salmon milk.
- Okay, you said get salmon milk and eggs.
So I got salmon milk and eggs. - Are you kidding me, baby?
I said get salmon and milk and eggs.
- Hold on, that's not fair because the text message,
you see there's no and here, there's no comma,
so what am I supposed to, look.
I got you chicken eggs too,
but Lord knows I don't get credit for that.
- Okay, but why would I want salmon milk?
This is disgusting.
- Okay, okay, let's just calm down here.
Everybody calm down because anything can be milk nowadays.
There's soy milk, there's cashew milk, there's goat milk.
- Okay, but where does one even go to get salmon milk?
- Little Armenia.
- Lez does have a good head on her shoulders sometimes,
but honestly, Tucker's the most realistic.
I mean, he can shop, he can make plans but
if I had one complaint against Tucker,
it's that he has been roughhousing with Lez way too much.
(groaning) - Too easy.
I'm gonna put you to sleep.
I don't know how to do this one correctly.
- It's correct.
(groaning)
- Tap it out. - I can't.
- Tap.
I used to be a backyard wrestler.
Part of a
feminist wrestling movement.
I called myself Gloria Stunem
and I'd be introduced before every fight
with the Patti Smith song, Gloria.
♪ Gloria
- My famous move was the Steinem Stunner.
Bam!
(laughs)
So when you punch someone, you punch through them.
Not at them, through them.
- All right, okay. - Okay, go.
- Okay.
(groaning)
- Fell right into that.
- Okay, baby. - Tap out.
You gotta tap out, you gotta tap out.
- Oh my God. - Guys.
This is a room of peace.
- You okay? - So unnecessary.
Huh? I'm fine, yeah.
Let's go again.
I know it sounds childish but
I really like wrestling with Lez.
I think it's bringing our relationship to a whole new level.
I mean, she did sprain the hell out of my leg the other day
when she flew at me with the Nelly Bly Insane Head Dive.
But damn.
That was worth it.
- I was famous for my aerial techniques.
We used to set up 10 foot ladders
and I'd just bash down on attractive women.
And I had an arsenal of deadly moves.
I had the Hillary Rodham Body Slam.
That one hurt.
And my favorite,
besides the Steinem Stunner, of course,
was the RBG Flying Knee.
(groans)
(laughs)
You know, 'cause she's old.
- Look, I love my lovers loving each other,
but fighting is not loving.
I'm a cuddle bear and all this knee throwing,
head banging, Saturday Night Smackdown business
is no good for Mama Cuddelz.
- It concerns me.
This reemergence of wrestling in Lez's life.
I mean, that's how she met her ex.
And that was not exactly
the healthiest relationship in the world.
- Ooh.
They told you about the ex.
Yeah, she was a feminist wrestler too.
She went by Sojourner You Can't Handle the Truth.
Well, it was quite a rocky relationship.
We were drunk off our athletic powers.
I had to join SLAA to get over her.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Funny thing, when I told my mom that I joined SLAA,
she thought that meant I quit wrestling
to join a terrorist organization.
[robot voice reads the text]
- She asked me if I remember
when they kidnapped the Hearst girl
and I wasn't even born yet, Mom.
My love addict sponsor was kind of shady though.
In fact, I still have that .22 around here somewhere for him.
- I'm just worried that this new roughhousing thing
is gonna get in the way of our relationship's balance.
You know?
(groaning) - Yeah, yeah.
You gotta tap out. - You, tough guys.
Do you want to see what tough is?
Get up.
- [Tucker] Okay.
What are you doing?
- I'm throwing shade at you, redneck.
[robot voice reads the text]
- We've got monkey. (grunts)
The snake.
The rona. - Okay, all right.
- What are you doing?
- It's called Vogue.
Voguing, okay?
Read a book once in awhile.
[robot voice reads the text]
- No, I got this.
All right, we got the bus driver.
- (scoffs) Okay. - Okay, I lost.
- Oh yeah, you did.
I don't want you two fighting here no more, okay?
Take it outside, honey, thank you.
- We can't fight in here anymore.
- Because of that?
- Meet you outside.
(playful music)
- Does anyone know how to explain what happened?
- Thanks for taking care of that, babe.
- Babe, I love when I please you.
- You always please me.
She always pleases me.
She is my mediator.
I mean, our mediator.
- Babe, the compliments are turning me on.
- If it wasn't for Cuddelz,
everything in this house would be broken.
(clattering) - [Lez] That's the one.
- By now.
(shattering) - Oh, hell no.
I'm about to jump up like a spider monkey
and do the splits so hard in your little destructive faces.
I'm about to put my legs so far over my head,
it's gonna make your head spin.
(yawns)
It's too early, it's like 8:30 a.m.
and all my lovers are already on their way
to make that dollar.
- That's disgusting.
- Bye, babe. - Bye, babe.
- Bye, babe. - See you later, baby.
- [Lez] Yeah you will.
Hey, hey.
- Oh, I like the way you eat a peach.
- Bye, babe.
- I'm not really a nine to five kind of girl.
Hello, all my body positive warriors.
Remember, you cannot Photoshop personality.
Hello, my little sweet Padawans.
Today we're gonna learn how to knit our own moccasins.
First words of wisdom, do not be afraid of color.
- [Narrator] Slip the pants off
and put both legs into one side.
Now, pull them up over your chest.
Take the unused pant leg, scrunch it up,
and slide your head through.
- But wait, why do I look so good?
I really hustle to get shares and likes
and ultimately compensation for my work.
So screw that nine to five.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I really respect what my lovers are doing.
They hustle too.
A lot, actually.
- I hate my job.
But the corporate benefits include great dental insurance.
- My job is very hands-on.
Sometimes I have to release their stress
by taking it in myself.
(client groans)
- People don't realize how important my job really is.
For example.
For all I know, this could be a bomb.
(clattering)
- Yeah, I gotta hand it to my lovers.
They're really hard workers.
(soft playful music)
(doorbell rings)
The Mormons.
They change the guys but they keep their schedule.
They're usually very adorable.
Hi, blessed be the fruit.
- Hi, I'm Elder Andrew and this is Elder Drew.
- Oh Andrew and Drew.
Hmm.
How cute.
You guys have the same name and the same clothes.
- [Both] Well, the names were by chance.
- Sorry, the names were by chance.
- That's why we shortened them at different ends.
But the clothing are special holy garments
that the church makes us wear for protection.
- That we choose to wear.
- Oh, yes. - Oh you choose to wear the
interesting fashion statement. - Lucifer.
- What?
- When you're playing on the devil's playground,
you need to be protected in the right garbs.
- Oh okay, I do have a little pendulum
but no protection in the world would make me wear that.
Especially under the sun.
- I do like your hat though.
- Thank you.
Cookies?
- Chocolate chip?
- If you want some milk with it, you may come inside.
And I just realized that came out really wrong.
- Thank you but today we're only sharing
our pamphlets with gospel lessons.
And if you're interested, we can schedule a meeting--
- Okay, pamphlets for me is like nudes.
I only trade, so here's mine.
It's all my handles.
Twitter, Instagram, TikTok.
Also Only Fans, but that's something else.
I'm about to hit 100 K subs.
I just need a little push from the Lord.
So who better than the representatives to help out?
- Okay, we have to go.
Thank you for the cookies.
- No worries, have a nice day.
- Excuse me.
How can someone ignore societal rules and be just like you?
- Like what?
- Fabulous.
(clears throat)
- So I like to bake at least once a week for my babies
because I feel like the smell of freshly baked cookies
with a little rip of salvia
makes our home feel a little bit more,
what's the word I'm looking for?
Homely.
(phone rings)
This is my Abigail angel calling.
She does this every time during lunch.
Stressed about work and stuff.
Hello, my angel.
Ooh, it sounds stressful.
- [Abigail] I can't do it anymore.
I'm not a boss bitch, I'm a fake.
I almost choked on my tuna club sandwich
because I couldn't stop crying long enough to chew properly.
I'm a fake loser bitch who chokes on soft fish sandwiches.
- (shushes) Babe, babe, listen to me.
You're a strong, beautiful, independent woman.
And you have earned the right to eat carbs
at any time of the day.
So free the gluten and remember,
the softest sandwiches are the hardest to swallow.
Struggle's real, it's not on you.
Okay? Mama loves you.
I mean, back to baking. (chuckles)
So the way I like to do the dough...
We used to have this gorgeous datura tree
right out this window.
Oh.
I actually used to make tea
off of the beautiful bell-shaped flowers.
I read somewhere that datura is essential recipe
in love potions and witches brew.
[robot voice reads the text]
- (sighs) I miss my beautiful tree.
You know, Lez ripped it out.
My dad is so protective of me.
(engine revving)
My tree!
(soft playful music)
(moaning)
Kathy Bates.
So it is 5:25 and my lovers should be here any time soon.
I like them to come home to a very welcoming house.
You can still smell the cookies.
I have champagne on ice waiting for them.
I put some snacks out
and a little cuddly space for relaxation.
And oh, I look absolutely royal right now.
Oh, they just arrived.
You guys arrived all at the same time.
That never happens.
How are you?
- Doing good. - I love you.
- Hey, don't I look beautiful?
- So beautiful, so beautiful. - So beautiful.
- See how grateful they are of me?
I'm the backbone of this house.
Don't I look gorg?
- Baby, you look gorg. - So gorg.
(cheering)
- The reward of seeing how happy I make these angels...
Is endless.
(singing)
- You guys. - It is five a.m.
- Oh boo. - Sorry, sorry, sorry.
We were having so much fun doing poppers last night.
We decided to pull an all-nighter, sorry.
[robot voice reads the text]
- You know I really don't like you doing poppers.
Right?
- What's up?
Why are you guys looking at each other like that?
- Well, Tucker thinks that he's the compass
for all that is moral and good.
- No, no, babe, babe.
I'm just worried about your health.
- Oh, it's not just my health with you.
- That's a closet. - I know, I was just,
I know that, excuse me.
♪ Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots ♪
♪ Shots, shots, shots - I'm gonna need a little bit.
Well yeah, Cuddelz is mad at me because I found out
he has an Only Fans account.
[robot voice reads the text]
- And there is a certain someone who is a fan.
Per se.
Hi.
- Get away from me, I don't want to talk to you right now.
- Babe, I just want to make up with you.
- Just go. - Guys.
I hate secrets.
Can you just tell me what's going on?
- She has a right to know. - No.
- He's sending nudes to Disgusting.
Like full on naked pictures.
Like everything, everything.
- Disgusting.
- It's just business, babe.
- Business.
I don't believe this.
(groans)
(rhythmic mellow music)
- I paid $5 for that at Costco.
- I'll clean it up, don't worry about it.
We call my ex Disgusting because, well, he is disgusting.
Honestly, I'm glad to be away from him
even though he has a major case of BDE.
[robot voice reads the text]
- But he has an even worse case of BPD.
[robot voice reads the text]
- So yeah.
I understand why my lovers are concerned.
♪ Do do do do
♪ Loving you
♪ Is easy 'cause you're beautiful ♪
♪ Do do do do
(screams)
- Oh yeah, she's pissed.
- Secretly, I'm happy about this.
Lez has been hogging Cuddelz.
- Only Fans is for a lot of things.
- So I could have an Only Fans for my fighting moves.
- Of course, it's like for monetization.
Hi, babe.
How are you doing, Lez?
- Hi. - Hi.
- Going for a ride.
- No driving, baby, you're drinking.
No, no.
- Fine, then I'm going for a run.
- Got the key.
(shushes)
- It's okay, Mama Bear.
Lez loves you, she's just concerned about you.
And Tucker...
Well, he's Tucker. (chuckles)
- So.
Those are the pictures you're sending to Disgusting?
- Mm-hmm, is that bad?
- I think you should delete those.
Because if Lez sees this,
I don't know if she's gonna kill herself
or if she's gonna kill you.
- Girl, you're right.
Should just delete them from the cloud, from everywhere.
I'm keeping Only Fans account though
because I do my makeup tutorials in there.
- Only Fans is fine.
Sending nudes to your ex is not.
This is a good one though.
- Oh yeah, it was amazing.
The lighting, oh my God.
It was the magic hour when I took that.
And I wasn't bleaching.
Everybody does that-- - I'm deleting it.
You know what? - Okay, thank you.
- Lez will be here any moment, and knowing her,
she's gonna be pissed.
Leaving vulnerable Cuddelz to run back to my teats.
- Babe, you're never gone this long.
(gasps)
Who gave you a black eye?
- Wait, she has a black eye?
- You did this to me.
- I thought you were going to Whole Foods.
- I did.
- Oh God, Lez is acting shame dramatic
from classic season two L Word.
[robot voice reads the text]
- What makes you think I'm not already a sorry bitch?
- Okay, okay, when it starts to get
L Word level dramatic in here, we need to stop.
- Lez, she's sorry, okay?
She already deleted all the pictures
and blocked his number so it's fine.
- You promised to never talk to him again.
- I swear it's ending, I swear.
- But hey, you can't spend all your time with Lez.
All the time.
I miss you.
- Same.
- Oh, I'm special.
- Let's just get naked.
Right?
- I mean, I'm down.
- Yeah. - Sure.
- All right.
- We have hard days like anyone else but love wins.
Yeah, I think you should cut and leave now.
Things are gonna get weird.
No really, I think you should cut.
Every weekend, we take turns making up the date nights.
And sometimes we take turns doing
one-on-ones with each other
and sometimes we do group dates.
Cuddelz usually likes to do group dates. (chuckles)
Very confusing group dates.
- Alexa, lamp on. (claps)
Okay, wake up, everybody.
I printed out everybody's itinerary.
So as you can all see, here you go.
By six a.m., we're gonna be in Joshua Tree
where we have our picnic and an erotic cuddle sesh.
By 7:35, we're gonna be in the city of Black Rock, Nevada
where we take our medicine
which will be a micro dose
of the healing properties of angel dust.
(shushes) Lez, I'm not done.
Thank you.
And then by brunch time,
we're gonna be in Albuquerque, New Mexico
for the Zozobra Festival.
Safely high off of the angel dust medicine,
ready to burn down the wicker man
along with our fears and worries.
- Okay wait, so we burn the Zozobra.
- Duh, that's the fun of it.
- Okay, so there is an actual wicker man there.
I just want to make sure we're not killing anybody.
- Well, I can guarantee that.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Okay Cuddelz, it takes at least 12 hours
to drive to Albuquerque.
And the bigger problem with that is that
the Zozobra is in Santa Fe, which is farther.
- Daddy, I want to hit the road.
- Absolutely not.
- Daddy! - Nope.
- Daddy! - Not doing it.
- Really?
- Lez likes to keep it fair and do group dates a lot as well
but (chuckles) she likes to do these scenic drive dates.
- Oh yeah.
This is a nice eucaryote.
Do you know these babies can live to be about 100 years old?
- Oh my God, that's so cool.
- Did you know these babies were around
during the Devonian period 300 million years ago?
- Wow, and how do you know that?
- I'm obsessed with bush. - She's obsessed with bush.
I'm talking trim, honey. (laughs)
- Okay, I'm just gonna--
- Okay, let's go. - Let's go.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Tucker, like me, usually likes to rotate
one-on-one dates with each other.
We feel it goes more smoothly
and it's great to sometimes bond more privately.
- Hmm, I made a huge mistake last time I chose Lez
for our one-on-one date.
(soft mellow music)
I just thought that if I wore some pheromones...
It would make her a little bit more
physically attracted to me.
(soft mellow music)
But why did I do that?
You're good and your dick is big.
No matter what they say.
Ready for date, babe?
- Wait a second.
- Are you okay, babe?
- [Lez] You smell great.
- Thank you.
- You smell really fricking great.
- That was the goal.
Well, I didn't really put anything--
- (shushes) Wait here.
(soft mellow music)
(whimpers)
Run.
- Lez and I, we already have a very
deep, strong, loving
mental relationship.
- Tucker.
(soft mellow music)
I can smell you.
(soft mellow music)
- About the whole strap-on thing.
Like that, dig that.
But it's just not what I was looking for that night.
But there's one thing that I really learned about Lez
is that she has a very strong sense of smell.
(chuckles) There's no hiding from her.
Sharp, like a hound dog.
She will find you.
- So tonight is Lez's turn for date night
and I am surprised.
She is skipping the scenic drive portion of the date
and going right to intimate stage.
Can't believe it.
Who do you think is going first?
- Oh, it's gonna be me.
I have this feeling.
- You.
- You're up.
Get in there, buster.
- Do you still have the poppers?
- Good luck. - Now!
(soft mellow music)
- You want to finish Sophie's Choice?
- Hell yeah. - Okay.
Lately, Lez and I have been having some hard days.
She used to be so possessive of me.
Very possessive.
- Baby.
- And I like that about my Lez.
But recently, she doesn't seem as interested in me anymore.
I never thought I'd face LDB with such a virile lesbian.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Hmm, so I get up in front of everybody
to read my poem and I am shaking so bad.
But I remind myself,
it's the first sentence that's the hardest.
So I tell myself to breathe and...
Are you listening?
You're looking at me but you're looking through me.
That's not a good feeling.
(soft mellow music)
- Is she gone?
- I'm still here, Lez.
I'm still here.
Lesbians are sensitive beings.
(soft music)
And intimacy is huge.
So I'm thinking if we spice it up with a (bleeping),
maybe she'll pay attention to me again.
I just think we should do more to reconnect.
- (groans) We do connect.
I just sent you a text.
- I know that Lez does this every once in awhile.
Acts uninterested.
And then she'll (bleep) bejeezus out of Abigail
with the big (bleep) that glows in the dark.
And it's not like Lez tells me her strategy.
I can just tell.
I'm intuitive.
I have a very high emotional intelligence IQ.
And it's not just me saying that.
My cognitive behavioral therapist thinks so too.
Want a rip of salvia?
Fine.
- I'm a very sensitive lover.
I need romance.
Tenderness. (sighs)
I love love.
- Babe.
- Get the (bleep) out.
I'm trying to (bleep) Lez.
(soft playful music)
- Hey.
What's wrong?
- I just hate when Lez takes up all of Abigail's time.
- Hey, let them go through whatever they're going through.
- I know, it's just that I really need her tonight.
I was talking to my dad earlier
and he does really know how to make me feel bad
when he wants to.
- He's like a traditional macho guy, huh?
Oppresses you with his narrow mindedness.
I would sure peg him.
[robot voice reads the text]
- I mean, oh, not literally.
Oh God, no.
- Oh my God.
- Have you ever got a song stuck in your head so bad
and you just want to dance?
When you know music.
(humming)
- You look beautiful, baby.
- You like that, baby boy?
- I do. - Come dance with me.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Come. - Babe, no.
- Yeah, follow Mama Cuddelz.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- What is it?
(humming)
- Your narrow mindedness papa will be never free
the way you are, yeah.
(humming)
- I want to twirl. - Twirl.
- It's okay for a man to twirl, right?
- It's more than okay, my man.
If my man wants to twirl, my man is gonna twirl.
- Gonna twirl. - Twirl, my man, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I wish your dad could see you like that.
- I wish my dad could see me right now.
I feel so free.
Oh my God, oh my God.
- I is ready and perfect.
Lez's turn on smell is green apple.
So I always have hella green apple candles on hand.
No excuses tonight.
I got everything a good sex sesh needs.
Homemade Gatorade, energy bars, extra batteries,
an EpiPen, and smelling salts.
(soft playful music)
- Oh my God.
- [Abigail] Hi, lover.
- You look perfect.
- Are you ready?
- Oh, I'm ready to be penetrated
like a teenager at a Jonas Brothers concert.
- Yes. - Come here.
- Oh my God, I'm twirling. - You look like
a Russian ballerina. - I know.
I'm masculine and yet sensitive.
I feel so free right now.
Oh my God, I love you guys.
I love you guys, oh my God!
- One of the most important things to know
about a polyamorous relationship
is that the purpose of it is responsible non-monogamy.
We are four responsible loving adults.
I mean, our relationship isn't just
some wild orgy every day.
(soft playful music)
- Hey, Tuck.
I finally got Abigail those nipple clamps
she's been asking me for.
And while I was at it,
I got her this thing called the Mad Dragon.
- What? That sounds dangerous.
- Yeah, yeah, it is.
You shouldn't touch it.
- Okay.
But what is it, anyways?
- I don't even know if I should tell you.
Should I tell you?
Do you want me to tell you?
'Cause I don't think you want me to tell you.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Well, I want to see it.
- You really want to see?
You're gonna pee your pants. - I want to see it.
I want to see.
- I don't think so. - I wanna see, I wanna see it!
- Here you go, bam!
- I get so angry when neighbors joke about
how they can't wait until when the next Romeo moves in
or when a creepy co-worker asks,
what weird sex stuff did you
and your 20 lovers do last night?
It's offensive, okay?
Our sex is so normal, it's almost boring.
- Wait, I'm trying to order some more dragon cum
for my little contraption.
Yeah, did I mention the dragon dildo cums?
It's kinda gross but...
I can't wait.
- I get so worked up because I love our relationship.
I love our dynamic, I love what we offer each other
and I don't want anybody else.
And that is why I am going to ask us
to have a commitment ceremony.
I already hinted at it to Tucker.
(squeals)
- Well, I've been a little nervous
ever since Abigail told me she has some news.
It didn't seem bad.
It's just that, well, I have the tendency
of having bad thoughts about things.
It's a thing.
For example, last night I had a dream
and the news turned out to be that
Cuddelz got Abigail pregnant.
Which I was very happy.
But it's just that I didn't know how to tell my parents
that my girlfriend got my other girlfriend pregnant.
It's just...
- Yeah, I overheard Abigail tell Tucker
she had some bad news.
I'm worried she might break up with him.
It's 'cause he sucks at dates.
- Watch your right. - Okay.
- To your right is a chair.
Okay, stop here.
- Oh my goodness.
You cooked for us.
- Well, I ordered but...
- Oh.
- Alcohol?
- Yes, please.
Thank you.
(soft music)
- Cranberry juice. - Yes, please.
(sighs) Wow.
(soft music)
- Well, hold on on that 'cause I got something else for you.
- Oh.
What's this?
Babe, my poem.
- I know, yeah.
I know it might not have won the competition
because of the good but I love it.
- You love my haiku about the patriarchy?
- I love when you express yourself.
[robot voice reads the text]
[Abigail reads the text]
I wrote it out of my anger about
some people's small mindedness.
I mean, I love Cuddelz and I love Lez and I love you.
And I don't want us to ever be judged for that.
- Me neither, baby, and I love you for that.
What?
- Do the face.
- Babe, no.
No, no, no. - Come on, do the face.
Do the face.
(laughing)
- Wow.
Wow.
That date was terrifying.
Okay, where do I even begin?
The face.
The face.
I don't even think I need to say more.
And second of all,
he served her cranberry juice.
Cranberry juice I bought a week ago for my UTI.
Good job, Tucker.
That's real sexy.
And third of all, and I'm sorry to say this,
but that poem was terrible, okay?
It was a haiku that didn't even follow haiku rules.
Tucker, drudging up painful memories of failure.
He's gonna break us up.
He's gonna break us up.
(sighs)
- I sense something's going on, okay?
Hold on a sec, I have this thing here.
Hold on.
I don't like to look into the future
because sometimes it's like playing with fire
but I'm just too much on the edge.
So this is my pendulum, by the way.
And it tells me what's going on in the future.
I love it with all my heart.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Goddammit, it's not gonna tell me what's going on.
- Hmm?
Am I nervous about the news?
Well, the more I think about it, yeah.
I don't want Tucker's stupid ideas and his stupid dates
to keep us separated from each other or keep us apart.
I love us.
That stupid sensitive idiot.
Why can't he just (bleep) Abigail
with a (bleep) like a normal dude?
Then there's--
- This clothing. - You gotta go up.
You gotta go up. - There's nothing up.
- Guys. - Red wildflowers.
Hold on one sec, one second. - It's just for the hair.
- Put it, oh that's-- - Oh, I took it off.
- No, but that's not the thing.
- Okay, so I have some very, very important news.
Oh my God, I'm so nervous.
- Wait, wait, before you begin.
Abigail, I just wanted to tell you that
Tucker is very sorry for his ignorance
and I have supplied him with an arsenal of sex toys
that might help you two-- - Okay hi, Lez, Lez.
Thank you but why don't you just listen
to what she has to-- - No, no, you listen, okay?
I am trying to save your ass.
So.
Okay, so I got you this big dildo.
I got you this humongous dildo.
I've got a dragon dildo.
I've got a double sided dildo.
There's a harness, I cleaned out my savings, so just--
- [Tucker] Oh my God, why would you do that?
- Because I love you.
- Oh my God!
That's so beautiful.
- And that's not even the craziest thing I got you guys.
I got you this fetish fantasy electroshock therapy set.
Check it out, it's really strong.
- Electricity in sex is God.
Why do you think Zeus had so much sex?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I'm just gonna, I'm gonna come out and say it.
My babes, loves of my life...
I want us to have a commitment ceremony.
- Oh my God, I do, I do.
- Oh my God, we're not breaking up?
- No, of course not.
- We need to set a date.
I need to get a dress with golden dragons.
It's my fantasy wedding dress.
Oh my God, my baby, we need to get a bunad for you.
Is Hulda Garborg still alive?
We need to get the best bunad for my sweet, sweet queen.
(squealing)
Yeah!
[robot voice reads the text]
(soft playful music)
- So I was able to take back some of the sex toys.
The cock rings, the double sided dildo,
which I should've kept.
Nope, I've got too many.
I was able to take back some of them but
I'm still missing a chunk of cash
that could be used for our ceremony, so that kinda sucks.
- I am so happy, oh my God.
This is a dream.
I want our ceremony to have live music, feasts, friends.
- I'm thinking of hand carving some wood veneerings
for our celebration.
With precious stones.
Hey, turquoise is a precious stone, right?
- My dad is the kinda guy who has a portrait
of John Wayne in his office.
He voted for Reagan, Bush, Bush,
Sarah Palin.
And that's just to name a few.
So am I afraid to tell my dad?
Yes, I'm afraid.
But I really want him to be our best man.
- Friends, chill vibes, and maybe a forest.
(gasps) Just like Rachel At The Wedding.
Do you know that movie?
That is such a beautiful ceremony.
I want exactly that.
Well, I mean except for all the depression and drugs
and the killing your own sibling thing.
Yeah.
Everything but that.
- Okay, I found a forest.
It's in Montana, it's not safe.
There are bison stampedes often.
Okay, the land is so wild,
they're like a lunch on the breeze in the lady.
But it's full of legends.
You know, myth.
There's these native forest creatures called wendigos.
[robot voice reads the text]
- We have so many details to hammer out, but for now,
we're just gonna enjoy each other intimately
and have a group sex sesh.
- Hey Cuddelz, not yet.
You can't plug it in on the man's first try.
- Come on, he's having so much fun.
Don't be a downer.
- [Lez] He's making the face.
- Ooh, looks like fun.
Hey, don't forget I'm next.
Dibs.
(laughs)
(playful music)
[robot voice reads the text]
- I'm 28, I'm bisexual, and I am currently
sharing myself with three lovers.
And I say sharing because we're all equally
giving to one another in our little house of love.
We were the first to meet.
- Hi, I'm Cuddelz and I'm a 19 year old twink.
What? I am a twink.
(giggling)
Anywho, we met on Bumble BFF,
which is a section of the Bumble app for meeting friends,
AKA cuddle buddies.
- I took her home and we cuddled everywhere.
(soft music)
- Our heart chakras were wide open for each other.
I pressed her so tenderly to my naked chest.
It was like bonding mommies and babies.
Except we exploded with orgasms.
(giggling)
- Well, Lez was the second lover I met.
And it was love at first sight at that
eighties themed dyke bar.
- Oh yeah, I walked over to her
with a couple of audios motherfuckers in tow
and asked her to grind.
- We grinded very sensually to Time After Time.
- She was definitely the hottest bitch
at the Clit Clit Boom that night.
And I knew something real was gonna happen.
Or at least that we'd trib a whole bunch.
- Baby.
- Like they know what it means.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Well, now they do.
Lastly, but not least to meet was Tucker.
Do you wanna...
- Oh yeah. - Sorry.
- (chuckles) And admittedly it happened
in a pretty heterosexual way
but it was still beautiful.
- Here I was at this huge 4th of July beach party.
- And he hit me so hard in the face
with this plushy beach ball,
(laughs) beach ball toy,
that it actually Chuck Norris'ed my eye pouch.
(laughing)
Ow!
Oh.
- Hi.
Well, I made up for her with a bottle of cranberry juice.
And I also asked her to dance with me to,
what's the name of that country girl?
Taylor Swift.
Yeah, Taylor Swift. - Excuse me.
Taylor Swift is not country anymore.
Like for a long-- - She was at the time.
She was at the time, right?
- A long time.
- But the fact that he was so willing
to open his heart to me and take my lovers as his lovers.
I've never met a more open and beautiful
straight man before.
- Well and thus began my journey
into this polyamorous relationship.
♪ Purple hat, cheetah print
♪ Dancing on the
♪ People, people, dancing on the people ♪
♪ With the people on the
(soft jingling)
- Jesus, Tucker, who is that?
- That's my dad.
- What, is he texting like one word at a time?
- Well actually, yes.
He is texting one word at a time.
He doesn't know how to text.
Huh.
Huh.
- What's wrong?
- My parents are coming to visit us.
- Okay and that's bad news why?
- I haven't seen my parents for over two years.
So they don't really know about my...
Lovers situation.
Per se.
- What?
Tucker, we've been together for two years.
How have we never come up in conversation?
- You have but it's just,
every time you guys come up in a conversation,
I kind of refer to you guys as my girlfriend.
- [Lez] You gotta be fricking kidding me, Tucker.
- Why, what's going on?
- Tucker's parents are coming to visit.
- Yay!
- [Lez] And they don't know about us.
- Well, I'll take that yay back.
- Does it worry me?
Yeah, it does.
Look, I know that coming out to your parents is a huge deal
and I'm not gonna try and push him into it but
in my experience, hidden relationships don't end well.
They usually just...
End.
- I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry.
I just don't know how to tell my parents
I have three lovers and one of them is a guy.
- Okay Tucker, Cuddelz is your girlfriend, okay?
- Correction, he's my boyfriend.
- Something interesting about me.
I hate labels.
- [Lez] Cuddelz is your girlfriend because she goes by she.
- She goes by they.
So they is he and she. - She always goes
by she with me. - Well, but she goes by--
- Lez, I'm a boy 'cause I have a penis and I love it.
- Thank you.
- Tucker, I'm also a girl because I have a feminine soul.
So how about gender neutral?
No he, no she, no left, no right.
No bullshit, no BS.
Non-binary.
It's not that hard.
Pretty sure your parents would get it right away.
- Do we all identify differently?
Yes, that's true.
But I think it's good we're all so diverse.
It keeps things interesting.
Fresh.
It's sexy.
- It's very draining.
Having to live up to the expectations
and having your lovers trying to put you in a box.
Not even my parents were like that.
But then again, I'm aware that it's not
everybody's as lucky as I am, especially Tucker.
He's from a very small town, conservative.
So yeah, it must be very difficult for him
to come out in a polyamorous relationship.
Yeah.
What are we gonna do about it?
They gotta stay with us.
- No, I was thinking they can stay in a hotel
and I can just go and stay-- - No, no, no, no, no, no.
I have an idea.
- I was afraid of that.
- Lez. - What?
- Drag time.
- Tucker. - I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- Cuddelz is the best in having the worst ideas.
So I am complying with them because...
Well, Cuddelz is forcing me to.
(upbeat country music)
- Okay, so here's the deal.
So your parents will take the guest room.
Lez and I will pass as a straight couple roommates.
You know what I'm saying?
And Abigail will take the lead.
I know, it's not fully there yet.
I was aiming for something like a John Wayne type of deal.
Although it turned out a little something like a Joanne.
But I think we can pass.
Maybe if we change a little thing or two.
I don't know, the socks?
Right?
You look gorg.
Yee-haw.
- Well.
Eh.
Hmm.
(soft music)
- Abs, I just--
- I think you look pretty.
Ish.
- Look, I love Tucker and I'd do anything for him.
But this isn't me.
This isn't anybody. - I know.
- My parents used to dress me this way.
I feel like I'm being pulled back in the closet.
It's a very dark place to be in.
- I knew this day would come sooner or later.
And it's here, it's happening.
(chuckles)
So yeah, I think I should just, you know, man up.
I guess it's time to man up.
Okay guys, this is not gonna work out.
I'm sorry.
Cuddelz.
You look like you came out of Toy Story.
- What? - Yeah, you do.
- And Lez.
No.
Guys, the truth is I cannot have you guys
pretending to be who you're not.
I love three beautiful people that I'm proud of.
That I have to stand up for.
I have to stand up for you guys.
I have to stand up for us.
So I thought about it and well...
Well, I decided that I,
I'm gonna tell my parents.
Well, my parents are not coming.
Yeah, it turned out that my mom
doesn't really want her new boobs.
She said that God made her that way
and she feels more comfortable with her body
the way it is right now.
My dad, on the other hand, he's pretty disappointed.
He was really looking forward to the new...
Wife, I guess.
So yeah.
- Having four lovers means you need to be very mindful
of balancing everyday life.
For example, we don't let Lez
do any of the grocery shopping anymore.
- Hey, babe.
- Hi.
- I got the milk and eggs.
- Oh, I told you to get salmon too.
- No.
No.
You-- - What the hell is this?
- [Lez] Salmon milk.
- I did not, in any way, say to get salmon milk.
- Okay, you said get salmon milk and eggs.
So I got salmon milk and eggs. - Are you kidding me, baby?
I said get salmon and milk and eggs.
- Hold on, that's not fair because the text message,
you see there's no and here, there's no comma,
so what am I supposed to, look.
I got you chicken eggs too,
but Lord knows I don't get credit for that.
- Okay, but why would I want salmon milk?
This is disgusting.
- Okay, okay, let's just calm down here.
Everybody calm down because anything can be milk nowadays.
There's soy milk, there's cashew milk, there's goat milk.
- Okay, but where does one even go to get salmon milk?
- Little Armenia.
- Lez does have a good head on her shoulders sometimes,
but honestly, Tucker's the most realistic.
I mean, he can shop, he can make plans but
if I had one complaint against Tucker,
it's that he has been roughhousing with Lez way too much.
(groaning) - Too easy.
I'm gonna put you to sleep.
I don't know how to do this one correctly.
- It's correct.
(groaning)
- Tap it out. - I can't.
- Tap.
I used to be a backyard wrestler.
Part of a
feminist wrestling movement.
I called myself Gloria Stunem
and I'd be introduced before every fight
with the Patti Smith song, Gloria.
♪ Gloria
- My famous move was the Steinem Stunner.
Bam!
(laughs)
So when you punch someone, you punch through them.
Not at them, through them.
- All right, okay. - Okay, go.
- Okay.
(groaning)
- Fell right into that.
- Okay, baby. - Tap out.
You gotta tap out, you gotta tap out.
- Oh my God. - Guys.
This is a room of peace.
- You okay? - So unnecessary.
Huh? I'm fine, yeah.
Let's go again.
I know it sounds childish but
I really like wrestling with Lez.
I think it's bringing our relationship to a whole new level.
I mean, she did sprain the hell out of my leg the other day
when she flew at me with the Nelly Bly Insane Head Dive.
But damn.
That was worth it.
- I was famous for my aerial techniques.
We used to set up 10 foot ladders
and I'd just bash down on attractive women.
And I had an arsenal of deadly moves.
I had the Hillary Rodham Body Slam.
That one hurt.
And my favorite,
besides the Steinem Stunner, of course,
was the RBG Flying Knee.
(groans)
(laughs)
You know, 'cause she's old.
- Look, I love my lovers loving each other,
but fighting is not loving.
I'm a cuddle bear and all this knee throwing,
head banging, Saturday Night Smackdown business
is no good for Mama Cuddelz.
- It concerns me.
This reemergence of wrestling in Lez's life.
I mean, that's how she met her ex.
And that was not exactly
the healthiest relationship in the world.
- Ooh.
They told you about the ex.
Yeah, she was a feminist wrestler too.
She went by Sojourner You Can't Handle the Truth.
Well, it was quite a rocky relationship.
We were drunk off our athletic powers.
I had to join SLAA to get over her.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Funny thing, when I told my mom that I joined SLAA,
she thought that meant I quit wrestling
to join a terrorist organization.
[robot voice reads the text]
- She asked me if I remember
when they kidnapped the Hearst girl
and I wasn't even born yet, Mom.
My love addict sponsor was kind of shady though.
In fact, I still have that .22 around here somewhere for him.
- I'm just worried that this new roughhousing thing
is gonna get in the way of our relationship's balance.
You know?
(groaning) - Yeah, yeah.
You gotta tap out. - You, tough guys.
Do you want to see what tough is?
Get up.
- [Tucker] Okay.
What are you doing?
- I'm throwing shade at you, redneck.
[robot voice reads the text]
- We've got monkey. (grunts)
The snake.
The rona. - Okay, all right.
- What are you doing?
- It's called Vogue.
Voguing, okay?
Read a book once in awhile.
[robot voice reads the text]
- No, I got this.
All right, we got the bus driver.
- (scoffs) Okay. - Okay, I lost.
- Oh yeah, you did.
I don't want you two fighting here no more, okay?
Take it outside, honey, thank you.
- We can't fight in here anymore.
- Because of that?
- Meet you outside.
(playful music)
- Does anyone know how to explain what happened?
- Thanks for taking care of that, babe.
- Babe, I love when I please you.
- You always please me.
She always pleases me.
She is my mediator.
I mean, our mediator.
- Babe, the compliments are turning me on.
- If it wasn't for Cuddelz,
everything in this house would be broken.
(clattering) - [Lez] That's the one.
- By now.
(shattering) - Oh, hell no.
I'm about to jump up like a spider monkey
and do the splits so hard in your little destructive faces.
I'm about to put my legs so far over my head,
it's gonna make your head spin.
(yawns)
It's too early, it's like 8:30 a.m.
and all my lovers are already on their way
to make that dollar.
- That's disgusting.
- Bye, babe. - Bye, babe.
- Bye, babe. - See you later, baby.
- [Lez] Yeah you will.
Hey, hey.
- Oh, I like the way you eat a peach.
- Bye, babe.
- I'm not really a nine to five kind of girl.
Hello, all my body positive warriors.
Remember, you cannot Photoshop personality.
Hello, my little sweet Padawans.
Today we're gonna learn how to knit our own moccasins.
First words of wisdom, do not be afraid of color.
- [Narrator] Slip the pants off
and put both legs into one side.
Now, pull them up over your chest.
Take the unused pant leg, scrunch it up,
and slide your head through.
- But wait, why do I look so good?
I really hustle to get shares and likes
and ultimately compensation for my work.
So screw that nine to five.
I mean, don't get me wrong.
I really respect what my lovers are doing.
They hustle too.
A lot, actually.
- I hate my job.
But the corporate benefits include great dental insurance.
- My job is very hands-on.
Sometimes I have to release their stress
by taking it in myself.
(client groans)
- People don't realize how important my job really is.
For example.
For all I know, this could be a bomb.
(clattering)
- Yeah, I gotta hand it to my lovers.
They're really hard workers.
(soft playful music)
(doorbell rings)
The Mormons.
They change the guys but they keep their schedule.
They're usually very adorable.
Hi, blessed be the fruit.
- Hi, I'm Elder Andrew and this is Elder Drew.
- Oh Andrew and Drew.
Hmm.
How cute.
You guys have the same name and the same clothes.
- [Both] Well, the names were by chance.
- Sorry, the names were by chance.
- That's why we shortened them at different ends.
But the clothing are special holy garments
that the church makes us wear for protection.
- That we choose to wear.
- Oh, yes. - Oh you choose to wear the
interesting fashion statement. - Lucifer.
- What?
- When you're playing on the devil's playground,
you need to be protected in the right garbs.
- Oh okay, I do have a little pendulum
but no protection in the world would make me wear that.
Especially under the sun.
- I do like your hat though.
- Thank you.
Cookies?
- Chocolate chip?
- If you want some milk with it, you may come inside.
And I just realized that came out really wrong.
- Thank you but today we're only sharing
our pamphlets with gospel lessons.
And if you're interested, we can schedule a meeting--
- Okay, pamphlets for me is like nudes.
I only trade, so here's mine.
It's all my handles.
Twitter, Instagram, TikTok.
Also Only Fans, but that's something else.
I'm about to hit 100 K subs.
I just need a little push from the Lord.
So who better than the representatives to help out?
- Okay, we have to go.
Thank you for the cookies.
- No worries, have a nice day.
- Excuse me.
How can someone ignore societal rules and be just like you?
- Like what?
- Fabulous.
(clears throat)
- So I like to bake at least once a week for my babies
because I feel like the smell of freshly baked cookies
with a little rip of salvia
makes our home feel a little bit more,
what's the word I'm looking for?
Homely.
(phone rings)
This is my Abigail angel calling.
She does this every time during lunch.
Stressed about work and stuff.
Hello, my angel.
Ooh, it sounds stressful.
- [Abigail] I can't do it anymore.
I'm not a boss bitch, I'm a fake.
I almost choked on my tuna club sandwich
because I couldn't stop crying long enough to chew properly.
I'm a fake loser bitch who chokes on soft fish sandwiches.
- (shushes) Babe, babe, listen to me.
You're a strong, beautiful, independent woman.
And you have earned the right to eat carbs
at any time of the day.
So free the gluten and remember,
the softest sandwiches are the hardest to swallow.
Struggle's real, it's not on you.
Okay? Mama loves you.
I mean, back to baking. (chuckles)
So the way I like to do the dough...
We used to have this gorgeous datura tree
right out this window.
Oh.
I actually used to make tea
off of the beautiful bell-shaped flowers.
I read somewhere that datura is essential recipe
in love potions and witches brew.
[robot voice reads the text]
- (sighs) I miss my beautiful tree.
You know, Lez ripped it out.
My dad is so protective of me.
(engine revving)
My tree!
(soft playful music)
(moaning)
Kathy Bates.
So it is 5:25 and my lovers should be here any time soon.
I like them to come home to a very welcoming house.
You can still smell the cookies.
I have champagne on ice waiting for them.
I put some snacks out
and a little cuddly space for relaxation.
And oh, I look absolutely royal right now.
Oh, they just arrived.
You guys arrived all at the same time.
That never happens.
How are you?
- Doing good. - I love you.
- Hey, don't I look beautiful?
- So beautiful, so beautiful. - So beautiful.
- See how grateful they are of me?
I'm the backbone of this house.
Don't I look gorg?
- Baby, you look gorg. - So gorg.
(cheering)
- The reward of seeing how happy I make these angels...
Is endless.
(singing)
- You guys. - It is five a.m.
- Oh boo. - Sorry, sorry, sorry.
We were having so much fun doing poppers last night.
We decided to pull an all-nighter, sorry.
[robot voice reads the text]
- You know I really don't like you doing poppers.
Right?
- What's up?
Why are you guys looking at each other like that?
- Well, Tucker thinks that he's the compass
for all that is moral and good.
- No, no, babe, babe.
I'm just worried about your health.
- Oh, it's not just my health with you.
- That's a closet. - I know, I was just,
I know that, excuse me.
♪ Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots ♪
♪ Shots, shots, shots - I'm gonna need a little bit.
Well yeah, Cuddelz is mad at me because I found out
he has an Only Fans account.
[robot voice reads the text]
- And there is a certain someone who is a fan.
Per se.
Hi.
- Get away from me, I don't want to talk to you right now.
- Babe, I just want to make up with you.
- Just go. - Guys.
I hate secrets.
Can you just tell me what's going on?
- She has a right to know. - No.
- He's sending nudes to Disgusting.
Like full on naked pictures.
Like everything, everything.
- Disgusting.
- It's just business, babe.
- Business.
I don't believe this.
(groans)
(rhythmic mellow music)
- I paid $5 for that at Costco.
- I'll clean it up, don't worry about it.
We call my ex Disgusting because, well, he is disgusting.
Honestly, I'm glad to be away from him
even though he has a major case of BDE.
[robot voice reads the text]
- But he has an even worse case of BPD.
[robot voice reads the text]
- So yeah.
I understand why my lovers are concerned.
♪ Do do do do
♪ Loving you
♪ Is easy 'cause you're beautiful ♪
♪ Do do do do
(screams)
- Oh yeah, she's pissed.
- Secretly, I'm happy about this.
Lez has been hogging Cuddelz.
- Only Fans is for a lot of things.
- So I could have an Only Fans for my fighting moves.
- Of course, it's like for monetization.
Hi, babe.
How are you doing, Lez?
- Hi. - Hi.
- Going for a ride.
- No driving, baby, you're drinking.
No, no.
- Fine, then I'm going for a run.
- Got the key.
(shushes)
- It's okay, Mama Bear.
Lez loves you, she's just concerned about you.
And Tucker...
Well, he's Tucker. (chuckles)
- So.
Those are the pictures you're sending to Disgusting?
- Mm-hmm, is that bad?
- I think you should delete those.
Because if Lez sees this,
I don't know if she's gonna kill herself
or if she's gonna kill you.
- Girl, you're right.
Should just delete them from the cloud, from everywhere.
I'm keeping Only Fans account though
because I do my makeup tutorials in there.
- Only Fans is fine.
Sending nudes to your ex is not.
This is a good one though.
- Oh yeah, it was amazing.
The lighting, oh my God.
It was the magic hour when I took that.
And I wasn't bleaching.
Everybody does that-- - I'm deleting it.
You know what? - Okay, thank you.
- Lez will be here any moment, and knowing her,
she's gonna be pissed.
Leaving vulnerable Cuddelz to run back to my teats.
- Babe, you're never gone this long.
(gasps)
Who gave you a black eye?
- Wait, she has a black eye?
- You did this to me.
- I thought you were going to Whole Foods.
- I did.
- Oh God, Lez is acting shame dramatic
from classic season two L Word.
[robot voice reads the text]
- What makes you think I'm not already a sorry bitch?
- Okay, okay, when it starts to get
L Word level dramatic in here, we need to stop.
- Lez, she's sorry, okay?
She already deleted all the pictures
and blocked his number so it's fine.
- You promised to never talk to him again.
- I swear it's ending, I swear.
- But hey, you can't spend all your time with Lez.
All the time.
I miss you.
- Same.
- Oh, I'm special.
- Let's just get naked.
Right?
- I mean, I'm down.
- Yeah. - Sure.
- All right.
- We have hard days like anyone else but love wins.
Yeah, I think you should cut and leave now.
Things are gonna get weird.
No really, I think you should cut.
Every weekend, we take turns making up the date nights.
And sometimes we take turns doing
one-on-ones with each other
and sometimes we do group dates.
Cuddelz usually likes to do group dates. (chuckles)
Very confusing group dates.
- Alexa, lamp on. (claps)
Okay, wake up, everybody.
I printed out everybody's itinerary.
So as you can all see, here you go.
By six a.m., we're gonna be in Joshua Tree
where we have our picnic and an erotic cuddle sesh.
By 7:35, we're gonna be in the city of Black Rock, Nevada
where we take our medicine
which will be a micro dose
of the healing properties of angel dust.
(shushes) Lez, I'm not done.
Thank you.
And then by brunch time,
we're gonna be in Albuquerque, New Mexico
for the Zozobra Festival.
Safely high off of the angel dust medicine,
ready to burn down the wicker man
along with our fears and worries.
- Okay wait, so we burn the Zozobra.
- Duh, that's the fun of it.
- Okay, so there is an actual wicker man there.
I just want to make sure we're not killing anybody.
- Well, I can guarantee that.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Okay Cuddelz, it takes at least 12 hours
to drive to Albuquerque.
And the bigger problem with that is that
the Zozobra is in Santa Fe, which is farther.
- Daddy, I want to hit the road.
- Absolutely not.
- Daddy! - Nope.
- Daddy! - Not doing it.
- Really?
- Lez likes to keep it fair and do group dates a lot as well
but (chuckles) she likes to do these scenic drive dates.
- Oh yeah.
This is a nice eucaryote.
Do you know these babies can live to be about 100 years old?
- Oh my God, that's so cool.
- Did you know these babies were around
during the Devonian period 300 million years ago?
- Wow, and how do you know that?
- I'm obsessed with bush. - She's obsessed with bush.
I'm talking trim, honey. (laughs)
- Okay, I'm just gonna--
- Okay, let's go. - Let's go.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Tucker, like me, usually likes to rotate
one-on-one dates with each other.
We feel it goes more smoothly
and it's great to sometimes bond more privately.
- Hmm, I made a huge mistake last time I chose Lez
for our one-on-one date.
(soft mellow music)
I just thought that if I wore some pheromones...
It would make her a little bit more
physically attracted to me.
(soft mellow music)
But why did I do that?
You're good and your dick is big.
No matter what they say.
Ready for date, babe?
- Wait a second.
- Are you okay, babe?
- [Lez] You smell great.
- Thank you.
- You smell really fricking great.
- That was the goal.
Well, I didn't really put anything--
- (shushes) Wait here.
(soft mellow music)
(whimpers)
Run.
- Lez and I, we already have a very
deep, strong, loving
mental relationship.
- Tucker.
(soft mellow music)
I can smell you.
(soft mellow music)
- About the whole strap-on thing.
Like that, dig that.
But it's just not what I was looking for that night.
But there's one thing that I really learned about Lez
is that she has a very strong sense of smell.
(chuckles) There's no hiding from her.
Sharp, like a hound dog.
She will find you.
- So tonight is Lez's turn for date night
and I am surprised.
She is skipping the scenic drive portion of the date
and going right to intimate stage.
Can't believe it.
Who do you think is going first?
- Oh, it's gonna be me.
I have this feeling.
- You.
- You're up.
Get in there, buster.
- Do you still have the poppers?
- Good luck. - Now!
(soft mellow music)
- You want to finish Sophie's Choice?
- Hell yeah. - Okay.
Lately, Lez and I have been having some hard days.
She used to be so possessive of me.
Very possessive.
- Baby.
- And I like that about my Lez.
But recently, she doesn't seem as interested in me anymore.
I never thought I'd face LDB with such a virile lesbian.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Hmm, so I get up in front of everybody
to read my poem and I am shaking so bad.
But I remind myself,
it's the first sentence that's the hardest.
So I tell myself to breathe and...
Are you listening?
You're looking at me but you're looking through me.
That's not a good feeling.
(soft mellow music)
- Is she gone?
- I'm still here, Lez.
I'm still here.
Lesbians are sensitive beings.
(soft music)
And intimacy is huge.
So I'm thinking if we spice it up with a (bleeping),
maybe she'll pay attention to me again.
I just think we should do more to reconnect.
- (groans) We do connect.
I just sent you a text.
- I know that Lez does this every once in awhile.
Acts uninterested.
And then she'll (bleep) bejeezus out of Abigail
with the big (bleep) that glows in the dark.
And it's not like Lez tells me her strategy.
I can just tell.
I'm intuitive.
I have a very high emotional intelligence IQ.
And it's not just me saying that.
My cognitive behavioral therapist thinks so too.
Want a rip of salvia?
Fine.
- I'm a very sensitive lover.
I need romance.
Tenderness. (sighs)
I love love.
- Babe.
- Get the (bleep) out.
I'm trying to (bleep) Lez.
(soft playful music)
- Hey.
What's wrong?
- I just hate when Lez takes up all of Abigail's time.
- Hey, let them go through whatever they're going through.
- I know, it's just that I really need her tonight.
I was talking to my dad earlier
and he does really know how to make me feel bad
when he wants to.
- He's like a traditional macho guy, huh?
Oppresses you with his narrow mindedness.
I would sure peg him.
[robot voice reads the text]
- I mean, oh, not literally.
Oh God, no.
- Oh my God.
- Have you ever got a song stuck in your head so bad
and you just want to dance?
When you know music.
(humming)
- You look beautiful, baby.
- You like that, baby boy?
- I do. - Come dance with me.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Come. - Babe, no.
- Yeah, follow Mama Cuddelz.
- Okay. - Yeah.
- What is it?
(humming)
- Your narrow mindedness papa will be never free
the way you are, yeah.
(humming)
- I want to twirl. - Twirl.
- It's okay for a man to twirl, right?
- It's more than okay, my man.
If my man wants to twirl, my man is gonna twirl.
- Gonna twirl. - Twirl, my man, yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I wish your dad could see you like that.
- I wish my dad could see me right now.
I feel so free.
Oh my God, oh my God.
- I is ready and perfect.
Lez's turn on smell is green apple.
So I always have hella green apple candles on hand.
No excuses tonight.
I got everything a good sex sesh needs.
Homemade Gatorade, energy bars, extra batteries,
an EpiPen, and smelling salts.
(soft playful music)
- Oh my God.
- [Abigail] Hi, lover.
- You look perfect.
- Are you ready?
- Oh, I'm ready to be penetrated
like a teenager at a Jonas Brothers concert.
- Yes. - Come here.
- Oh my God, I'm twirling. - You look like
a Russian ballerina. - I know.
I'm masculine and yet sensitive.
I feel so free right now.
Oh my God, I love you guys.
I love you guys, oh my God!
- One of the most important things to know
about a polyamorous relationship
is that the purpose of it is responsible non-monogamy.
We are four responsible loving adults.
I mean, our relationship isn't just
some wild orgy every day.
(soft playful music)
- Hey, Tuck.
I finally got Abigail those nipple clamps
she's been asking me for.
And while I was at it,
I got her this thing called the Mad Dragon.
- What? That sounds dangerous.
- Yeah, yeah, it is.
You shouldn't touch it.
- Okay.
But what is it, anyways?
- I don't even know if I should tell you.
Should I tell you?
Do you want me to tell you?
'Cause I don't think you want me to tell you.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Well, I want to see it.
- You really want to see?
You're gonna pee your pants. - I want to see it.
I want to see.
- I don't think so. - I wanna see, I wanna see it!
- Here you go, bam!
- I get so angry when neighbors joke about
how they can't wait until when the next Romeo moves in
or when a creepy co-worker asks,
what weird sex stuff did you
and your 20 lovers do last night?
It's offensive, okay?
Our sex is so normal, it's almost boring.
- Wait, I'm trying to order some more dragon cum
for my little contraption.
Yeah, did I mention the dragon dildo cums?
It's kinda gross but...
I can't wait.
- I get so worked up because I love our relationship.
I love our dynamic, I love what we offer each other
and I don't want anybody else.
And that is why I am going to ask us
to have a commitment ceremony.
I already hinted at it to Tucker.
(squeals)
- Well, I've been a little nervous
ever since Abigail told me she has some news.
It didn't seem bad.
It's just that, well, I have the tendency
of having bad thoughts about things.
It's a thing.
For example, last night I had a dream
and the news turned out to be that
Cuddelz got Abigail pregnant.
Which I was very happy.
But it's just that I didn't know how to tell my parents
that my girlfriend got my other girlfriend pregnant.
It's just...
- Yeah, I overheard Abigail tell Tucker
she had some bad news.
I'm worried she might break up with him.
It's 'cause he sucks at dates.
- Watch your right. - Okay.
- To your right is a chair.
Okay, stop here.
- Oh my goodness.
You cooked for us.
- Well, I ordered but...
- Oh.
- Alcohol?
- Yes, please.
Thank you.
(soft music)
- Cranberry juice. - Yes, please.
(sighs) Wow.
(soft music)
- Well, hold on on that 'cause I got something else for you.
- Oh.
What's this?
Babe, my poem.
- I know, yeah.
I know it might not have won the competition
because of the good but I love it.
- You love my haiku about the patriarchy?
- I love when you express yourself.
[robot voice reads the text]
[Abigail reads the text]
I wrote it out of my anger about
some people's small mindedness.
I mean, I love Cuddelz and I love Lez and I love you.
And I don't want us to ever be judged for that.
- Me neither, baby, and I love you for that.
What?
- Do the face.
- Babe, no.
No, no, no. - Come on, do the face.
Do the face.
(laughing)
- Wow.
Wow.
That date was terrifying.
Okay, where do I even begin?
The face.
The face.
I don't even think I need to say more.
And second of all,
he served her cranberry juice.
Cranberry juice I bought a week ago for my UTI.
Good job, Tucker.
That's real sexy.
And third of all, and I'm sorry to say this,
but that poem was terrible, okay?
It was a haiku that didn't even follow haiku rules.
Tucker, drudging up painful memories of failure.
He's gonna break us up.
He's gonna break us up.
(sighs)
- I sense something's going on, okay?
Hold on a sec, I have this thing here.
Hold on.
I don't like to look into the future
because sometimes it's like playing with fire
but I'm just too much on the edge.
So this is my pendulum, by the way.
And it tells me what's going on in the future.
I love it with all my heart.
[robot voice reads the text]
- Goddammit, it's not gonna tell me what's going on.
- Hmm?
Am I nervous about the news?
Well, the more I think about it, yeah.
I don't want Tucker's stupid ideas and his stupid dates
to keep us separated from each other or keep us apart.
I love us.
That stupid sensitive idiot.
Why can't he just (bleep) Abigail
with a (bleep) like a normal dude?
Then there's--
- This clothing. - You gotta go up.
You gotta go up. - There's nothing up.
- Guys. - Red wildflowers.
Hold on one sec, one second. - It's just for the hair.
- Put it, oh that's-- - Oh, I took it off.
- No, but that's not the thing.
- Okay, so I have some very, very important news.
Oh my God, I'm so nervous.
- Wait, wait, before you begin.
Abigail, I just wanted to tell you that
Tucker is very sorry for his ignorance
and I have supplied him with an arsenal of sex toys
that might help you two-- - Okay hi, Lez, Lez.
Thank you but why don't you just listen
to what she has to-- - No, no, you listen, okay?
I am trying to save your ass.
So.
Okay, so I got you this big dildo.
I got you this humongous dildo.
I've got a dragon dildo.
I've got a double sided dildo.
There's a harness, I cleaned out my savings, so just--
- [Tucker] Oh my God, why would you do that?
- Because I love you.
- Oh my God!
That's so beautiful.
- And that's not even the craziest thing I got you guys.
I got you this fetish fantasy electroshock therapy set.
Check it out, it's really strong.
- Electricity in sex is God.
Why do you think Zeus had so much sex?
- Okay, okay, okay, okay.
I'm just gonna, I'm gonna come out and say it.
My babes, loves of my life...
I want us to have a commitment ceremony.
- Oh my God, I do, I do.
- Oh my God, we're not breaking up?
- No, of course not.
- We need to set a date.
I need to get a dress with golden dragons.
It's my fantasy wedding dress.
Oh my God, my baby, we need to get a bunad for you.
Is Hulda Garborg still alive?
We need to get the best bunad for my sweet, sweet queen.
(squealing)
Yeah!
[robot voice reads the text]
(soft playful music)
- So I was able to take back some of the sex toys.
The cock rings, the double sided dildo,
which I should've kept.
Nope, I've got too many.
I was able to take back some of them but
I'm still missing a chunk of cash
that could be used for our ceremony, so that kinda sucks.
- I am so happy, oh my God.
This is a dream.
I want our ceremony to have live music, feasts, friends.
- I'm thinking of hand carving some wood veneerings
for our celebration.
With precious stones.
Hey, turquoise is a precious stone, right?
- My dad is the kinda guy who has a portrait
of John Wayne in his office.
He voted for Reagan, Bush, Bush,
Sarah Palin.
And that's just to name a few.
So am I afraid to tell my dad?
Yes, I'm afraid.
But I really want him to be our best man.
- Friends, chill vibes, and maybe a forest.
(gasps) Just like Rachel At The Wedding.
Do you know that movie?
That is such a beautiful ceremony.
I want exactly that.
Well, I mean except for all the depression and drugs
and the killing your own sibling thing.
Yeah.
Everything but that.
- Okay, I found a forest.
It's in Montana, it's not safe.
There are bison stampedes often.
Okay, the land is so wild,
they're like a lunch on the breeze in the lady.
But it's full of legends.
You know, myth.
There's these native forest creatures called wendigos.
[robot voice reads the text]
- We have so many details to hammer out, but for now,
we're just gonna enjoy each other intimately
and have a group sex sesh.
- Hey Cuddelz, not yet.
You can't plug it in on the man's first try.
- Come on, he's having so much fun.
Don't be a downer.
- [Lez] He's making the face.
- Ooh, looks like fun.
Hey, don't forget I'm next.
Dibs.
(laughs)
(playful music)