Pete 'n' Tillie (1972) - full transcript

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SERENE MUSIC]

TILLIE: I wasn't
looking forward to this party.

Or meeting Pete Seltzer.

But when you've reached my age

and your friends are
beginning to worry about you,

blind dates are a way of life.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Hi, Till.

- Hey.
- Hi, Tillie.



You see you've got
a lot of attention.

- Tillie!
- Oh, hey, Bert.

Well, you look great, baby,
just great.

Oh, thank you,
I have a magic comb.

I'll tell you what, uh,
mingle for about 15 minutes

then slip upstairs
to my bedroom, I'll be waiting.

Is Bert serious, or is he
just trying to be a good host?

Well, either way
you're going to be disappointed.

How would a wife know?

How indeed.

Mnh-mnh.

Brava.

Ah-ha-ha. There he is.

Come on.



- Hi, Tillie.
- Hey, Trident.

He's gruff.

But he has a heart of gold.

[LAUGHING]

Pete Seltzer.

- This is Tillie Shlain.
- Hi.

I'm gonna make a
great effort to rise.

No, please, don't get up.

Oh, she's darling.

But as I'm in need of a refill

what can I get you, Ms. Shlain?

Tillie.

What can I get you, Tillie?

Tillie doesn't drink.

That's such a noble statement.

I wish you'd let me
make it myself.

I'll get you
some more of that.

Now you sit down and chat.

As long as Tillie
isn't having anything

I'll have a double, Gert.

[GERTRUDE LAUGHING]

Gertrude says chat,
I guess we chat, right?

Right.

- Where were you born?
- Why?

No particular reason.

Asking a person
where they hail from

comes under the heading
of chat, right?

Right.

I hail from San Jose.

I have to be honest with you

that isn't much of a hail.

No.

Next time you're asked,
say, oh,

"Windyanapolis."

- Alright.
- Pete, booze.

[GERTRUDE CHUCKLING]

Incidentally do you always keep

your arms folded
across your chest?

GERTRUDE: Here's your Scotch.

I got you Coke,
and drink up,

the food is almost ready.

Things are going
beautifully, Gertrude.

We're madly in love.

[GERTRUDE LAUGHING]

- Gertrude, my dear.
- Oh, Father, you did drop.

Oh, damn!

There's Gert
and her priest again.

Oh, God, one of those.

[LAUGHTER]

- Good evening, Father.
- How are you, Father?

I think you know almost
everyone here, Mr. Ford.

I see Ed Ford every day
in a week except Sundays.

Sit down, Ed.

And what about
Pete Seltzer here?

- Pete, Father Keating.
- I don't believe we've met.

- How do you do, Mr. Seltzer?
- Hi.

I didn't know you were asking,
Father Keating.

I demand equal time
for my rabbi.

Come on, Pete,

you have one Jewish grandmother.

You're three-fourth Lutheran.

Why do you keep insisting
that you're Jewish?

'Cause I'm a social climber.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, I don't think I'll bother
with any more introductions.

Father Keating knows
how informal we are here.

- Your usual, Father?
- Thank you.

Gertrude, you don't know
how much I enjoy your parties.

You know what I gave up
to come here tonight?

Bingo at the church.

Incidentally, Father,
is it true what I hear

that the Bingo games
at the church are fixed?

Oh, well, I don't know exactly
what you mean by fixed?

I hear you let converts win,
is that true?

[LAUGHTER]
Pay him no mind, Father.

No, it's not true.

But it's a marvelous idea,
thank you.

[LAUGHTER]

World, world, world, world.

[CHEERING]

- The game over?
- No.

But having
Father Keating act out

God's in His heaven,
all's right with the world

seemed to me a little too much
like ass kissing.

Besides I don't think all's
right with the world, do you?

Um, not lately.

Why does the clergy think
they always

have to play the good sport?

Oh, please, don't interrupt.

I'm pretending to be
an animal lover.

Hey, don't look so sad.

You'd look sad too
if you were just spayed.

Oh, no, why'd they do that?

Actually, I think
it was her husband

that Gertrude wanted altered

but the vet made a mistake.

Mes enfants,
we need your help.

We've had it with charades.

We are about to embark
on the great adventure.

We are going to trap Gertrude

into revealing her age.

Why do you have to trap her?
Why don't you just ask her?

Nobody knows
how old Gertrude is.

Not even Bert, her husband.

[CHUCKLING]
Gertrude tells her age?

She won't even tell us
how old her dog is.

Now, here's our plan.

We'll just be sitting
around casually

and Heldon Pritcher will
bring up John Kennedy.

"Isn't he marvelous looking?"

"Isn't he
a marvelous president?"

Et cetera, et cetera,
and then, Tillie...

That is your name,
isn't it?

But you just ask
a casual question like,

um, um, "Who was the first
president you ever voted for?"

And several people will

volunteer information.

And then it will be
Gertrude's turn--

It won't work.

That presidential ploy

was tried on Gertrude years ago

under Harry Truman, I think.

You'll have to do
better than that.

Alright.

Have you any ideas?

Me? I couldn't care less
how old Gertie is.

How can you not care?

Oh, such a big liberal.

Such a big progressive.

When it comes to something
really important

like Gertrude's age,
won't lift a finger.

[SIGHS]

There are few burdens in life
harder to bear

than the irritation
of a good example.

That was rather good.

"The irritation
of a good example."

Would've been even better
had he bothered

to give Mark Twain
credit for it.

Don't you know about
Jimmy Twitchell?

He's a cultural Robin Hood.

He steals from the witty,
and gives to the dull.

Well, that's not so bad either.

I'm 33, in case
you're wondering.

I figured somewhere
in that neighborhood.

[DOGS BARKING]

Listen to them,
I guess they

haven't heard about
her operation.

I imagine they're just
calling a spade a spade.

You have possibilities.

Thank you.

After 12:00

we turn the clocks back tonight,
don't we?

Yes, we do.

That's such a good idea,
turning our clocks back.

It gives us an extra
hour of insomnia.

Go on home, dogs.

Shall we go?

Oh, I have a car.

Thanks just the same though.

But I don't.

- Don't what?
- Don't have a car.

You want me to drop you?

No, no, no, I'll take you home,

and I can get a cab from there

or a cable car or something.

After all, I'm your escort.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

ATTENDANT: Thank you.

You drive very well.

Thank you.

Gertrude says you work
for an insurance company.

Secretary.

I think you're wondering
how can she afford a car

in San Francisco
on a secretary's salary?

Well, it isn't much of a salary,

but this isn't much of a car.

Oh, I see.

What kind of work
do you do, Pete?

Motivational research.

We send canvassers out to
discover what the people think.

- Think about what?
- Products mostly.

What they're looking for
in the way of an automatic

contaminator or, uh,

an aftershave mint,
things like that.

Fascinating products.

Anything else?

Well, we've just completed
a survey

for a dietetic shampoo

and are now helping to launch
a reversible mayonnaise.

Lovely.

Say, maybe you could
help us out.

There's a new men's cologne

coming out on the market.

They're looking for a name.

I suggested "Armpit."

Did they go for it?

No.

And that, in case you're
wondering, is why I have no car.

I don't believe it,
a parking space

right in front of the house.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

You can get a cab a couple
of blocks from here.

Couple of blocks?

What's the matter?

Aren't you well?

I woke up this morning
with a touch of something,

and I don't know what it is.

Headache, upset stomach.

But I was determined
to keep this date...

[MUMBLING]

No fever, I can come in.

[SIGHS]

What's the sigh for?

General world conditions.

[CHUCKLES]

[CARS HONKING]

What do you think?

I think, uh, you're a
fine figure of a woman.

I wasn't asking about me.

I was asking about
the apartment.

Oh. Oh, it needs a man's touch.

TILLIE: Incidentally
for future reference

no woman who fancies
she has a good figure

likes to hear she's a
fine figure of a woman.

The two aren't the same at all.

What can I get you?

What have you got?

TILLIE: Well, I suppose
there's some Scotch,

or I could mix a martini

or I could make some tea

with cheese and crackers.

Whichever is
the most trouble.

Scotch with water or soda?

Tea is too good for you.

Water.

Good, I don't have any soda.

I like this painting.

TILLIE: I can guess which one.

Do you know what
I would call it?

TILLIE: I'm afraid to ask.

Overdeveloped girl

from underdeveloped country.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

What are you trying to do?
Ply me with water?

Pour in a little more Scotch,
s'il vous plait.

I don't have any more Scotch.

La mere.

No photo of father.

He wasn't around long enough

to have his picture taken.

He disappeared 20 years ago.

And mother alive and well,
I hope?

She's still looking for father.

Says she'd leave him
in a minute

if she could locate him.

You intend to look
like your mother?

I'll take what comes.

Good girl.

And speaking of breasts

you wanna know something
about yourself?

Don't wear a girdle.

I mean, give the rear
bumpers a chance.

I mean, you haven't
got that much

that you need to go around
with it in a sling.

Let it breathe.

Same thing with the upstairs.

You're the kind of woman
who could go without

a bra altogether,
let alone folding your arms

on top of it like an Indian.

With sweaters and
even the right dress

let the merchandise
gallop a little.

When father was still around

mother said she sometimes
crossed the street

just to avoid him.

Or she'd flop into a closet

as he passed her in the hall.

You won't have to go that far.

What are my chances of being

mugged on the way to a cab?

Bright.

Could I phone for one?

No, that would take all night.

Would you like me to
walk you to the corner?

No, thanks,
I'll take my chances.

Thank you.

Thanks for the water,

and the Scotch.

Siente.

"To thine own self be true."

That's a quotation
from Lawrence Welk.

[DOOR CLOSES]

GERTRUDE: Did he ask
for your phone number?

I'm not at all sure
I want him to call.

[GERTRUDE LAUGHING]

Well, what do you think of a man

first time he meets
a girl he says,

"Give up the girdle,
forget the bra?"

[CHUCKLING]

Well, there is a touch
of vulgarity in Pete.

Go a step further,
call it crude.

Well, Pete Seltzer has

more redeeming qualities

than any man I know.
[CHUCKLES]

Should a man need that many?

You know,
there was a technique

used by a girl
I know years ago.

Very interesting.

Man didn't call her,
so she called him.

Gertrude, I'm not
calling Pete Seltzer.

- Or any other man.
- Please, let me finish.

She calls this man,
and she said,

"After you left last night"

"I found a gold
cigarette lighter."

Now, she didn't know
such thing, of course.

"It's from Dunhill's.
Is it yours by any chance?"

- Well?
- Well.

Since there was no lighter
in the first place

he said,
"No, it isn't mine."

"I wish I could
afford a Dunhill."

"Thank you just the same."

Well, what did that accomplish?

Well, for one thing, dummy,

it established the fact

that she was seeing a
Dunhill kind of man.

It reopened the lines
of communication.

He couldn't just hang up.

Then he said before he knew
what he was saying,

"What are you doing
Friday night?"

And et voila.

[SIGHS]

- Call Pete.
- Don't be silly.

Just because it worked for you.

Oh, must be after 2:00.

Yes, it is,
he's in his office.

You go call him.
You know the number?

Look it up.
Supreme Survey Incorporated.

Go ahead.

Gertrude.

I am not that entranced
by Pete Seltzer.

Tillie,

there are phones
in the powder room.

I didn't even notice
if he smokes or not.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Uh, what happened,
for God's sake?

He's coming over tonight.

Good, then it worked.

Why do you look so furious?

Why do I look so furious?

Because I said to him,
"After you left"

"I found a
gold Dunhill lighter."

"Is it yours by any chance?"

And that son of a bitch says,

"Yes, I'll drop by
tonight to pick it up."

"Thanks a lot."

Thank you a lot.

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

[INTERCOM BUZZING]

Hello.

May Allah smile upon you.

I tried to call you at home,

but you're not in the book.

I have an unlisted number.

I hate myself for it.

Well, I wanted
to save you a trip.

I looked at the lighter again,

and there were initials on it.

- And they weren't mine.
- Yes, how did you know?

I suddenly remembered
that I don't smoke.

Well, why didn't you phone me?

I never call girls
whose numbers are listed.

I hate myself for that too.

Besides, I thought you might

rustle me up some dinner.

Oh, I don't think I have
enough food for two.

I could run down to the market.

Don't bother.
Do you like Greek food?

Not particularly.

Good, there's a place
down the street

guaranteed not to make
you change your opinion.

We can walk.

I'll go get my coat.

PETE: No, actually it could be
any part of the city.

Yesterday I was
assigned Palo Alto,

day before Berkeley.

We don't wanna run
into the same people

asking the same questions.

Where were you today?

At the office, all day.

Big conference, new account.

Would you believe missionaries

testing slogans
for fundraising?

Of course, my suggestion
was turned down.

I thought it was rather good.

Take a cannibal to lunch.

Vice versa would
be even better.

If you're trying to top me,
you're gonna find yourself

paying for the dinner.

And it's every bit
as indifferent

as you said it would be.

Why would we come here?

Do you see that tiny man
in the aisle there?

That's Mr. Drogaris.

He owns the joint.

You notice anything
strange about him?

Just that he's obviously
wearing elevator shoes.

Is that it?

Exactly.

And it gives me an
opportunity to say to my dates

beware of Greeks wearing lifts.

I hope you won't say that to me.

I won't.

You, uh, like Chinese food?

And you know a place

with pretty mediocre
Chinese food,

but there's somebody there

or something that
gives you a chance

to get off what you
consider a bomoh.

Right.

How, um...
What's today?

Tuesday.

How about Thursday?

Uh, busy Thursday.

Friday?

Friday fine.

Mr. Drogaris?

PETE: Um, thank you.
Thank you.

One of the most disappointing
evenings in years.

Something I said?

Something I didn't say?

The only reason we came here
is because of Chang.

He's my favorite waiter
in the whole world.

Every time he spills
a plate of food

or a bowl of soup
all over you

his look of
oriental resignation

is simply not to be missed.

I mean, it's a classic.

And tonight of all nights

he doesn't spill anything.

Chang, you're a disgrace

to Madame Lee's Hanging Gardens.

One thing puzzles me.

This place is called,
it says here, "Little P. King."

Why do you keep calling it

"Madame Lee's Hanging Gardens?"

Where, for heaven's sake,
are the hanging gardens?

On Madame Lee, of course.

Pay the check.

Well, I suppose you can
look at it at two ways.

I could say, "Well,
it's only been a week,"

or "For God's sake,"

"the whole week
and he hasn't called."

Now I don't know whether
I'm sorry or not.

Sometimes I think he's fun.

Then most other times I think--
[INTERCOM BUZZING]

Oh, hang on, Gert, the buzzer.

- Yes?
- PETE: Millard Fillmore.

Oh.
[BUZZING]

Gert, he has ESP or something.

Guess who just rang the buzzer?

Right.

No, I'm more
surprised than happy.

I'll-- I'll call you in the
morning. Best to Bert, bye-bye.

- Hi.
- Well, come in.

- How are you?
- Fine.

You were-- were just passing by

and saw a light in the window.

You're line's been busy
for an hour.

- Oh, I was talking to Gertrude.
- I know, I called her.

Her line's busy too.
Have you had dinner?

- Yes.
- Good.

- What'd you have in mind?
- Oh...

Movie and then
a certain hamburger joint

that late at night takes
on a character all its own.

Would you like a drink first?

Oh, you've stocked up on liquor.

Well, I wouldn't exactly
call one bottle of Scotch

and one bottle of vodka
stocking up.

No, thanks, I'll-- I'll have
a beer with the burger later.

- Any particular movie?
- Just so it isn't a Western.

TILLIE: I couldn't agree more.

- Hi, Bing.
- Hi, Pete.

[OVERHEAD MUSIC]

- Well.
- Well, what?

Where is this
character all its own

that takes on late at night?

Look around you,
what do you see?

Another hamburger joint.
What do you see?

Look at all the couples
at all the tables.

Look at the way they're
all huddled together.

Isn't it plain as day
they've all come here

straight from the sack?

It's this way every night,

and it's what
makes my suggestion

to Bing over there
so brilliant.

Aren't you gonna ask me what
the brilliant suggestion is?

You'll tell me.

I've been after Bing
to put up a big new neon sign,

"After Bangs, Bing's."

I'll have the hamburger
with cheese

and a sliced tomato.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

How about coming up to my place
for a spot of heavy breathing?

Alright.

[PETE WHISTLING]

Such as it is.

I can only repeat to you what
you said about my apartment,

"Needs a man's touch."

Oh, that?
A predecessor of yours.

[LAUGHING]

I'll take your coat.

Think I'll whip us up
a little antifreeze.

Oh, milk for me, please.

- You had milk at Bing's.
- I'm an addict.

Did you know that the American
Indians never drank milk?

Never had any cows either.

I'll just give you that.

[PLAYS SINGLE NOTE]

Piano's out of tune.

And it's gonna stay
that way, thank you.

Cheers.

[SIGHS]

How tall are you?

Five-six, five-seven. Why?

Well, I just read
some magazine some place

about a woman nearly
seven feet tall.

What about her?

Well, naturally,
she didn't like being

nearly seven feet tall,
so she had an operation.

Sections of bone
were removed from both legs

about six inches or so,
making her,

reasonably normal height.

I'm glad for her.

Well, she was happy,
the surgeons were happy,

but they forget one thing.

When she got up out of bed,

her arms hung down
to her knees.

That's some story to tell
a girl on her bridal night.

[LAUGHING]

You like ragtime?

I'm not quite sure
I know what it is.

[PIANO MUSIC]

Excuse me for a few minutes.

There's more milk
in the fridge if you want it.

PETE: Tillie.

Ms. Shlain, if you please.

Would you like me
to turn out the lights?

You care to check your dress?

Oh.

- Allow me.
- Thank you.

[CHUCKLES]
Tsk.

What's the matter?

Oh, I'm sorry, but
it's terrible of me.

But I have a feeling like

like I'm being stripped
for surgery.

Well, why don't you
look at it this way?

Your silks are dropping

like flags in surrender.

That's so much better.

[KISSING]

PETE: You know, I think
you're a very nice-looking girl.

- TILLIE: Oh, come on.
- PETE: No, really.

PETE: Well, you're better
looking than I am.

TILLIE: Just.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

I made a small bet with myself

that her arms would be
folded across her breasts.

Sorry.

Sorry, is that all
you have to say?

No.

If a while back I committed
the gaucherie of saying

I felt like I was being stripped
for surgery,

I would now like to add
the operation was a success.

Thank you.

I'm still hungry.

There's some salami and stuff
in the fridge.

I think I'll whip...

- What?
- Nothing.

It's just that...

Well, I was brought up
on sex manuals,

and they say that one
is supposed to linger

with soft endearments in what
they call the afterglow.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

I just didn't think the first
move was to the kitchen.

- Endearments, eh?
- Yeah.

Very well.

- Sweetheart.
- Hmm.

What would you like
with your salami?

Beer, tea, or milk?

- Milk.
- Right.

You beat me by 14 pins.

If you're not careful,
you may sleep alone tonight.

[PETE AND TILLIE LAUGHING]

[MOANING]

[METALS CLANKING]

Oh, did I tell you that I was
saving so much a week?

- For a car of my own?
- No.

So you can buy
the tickets tonight.

One adult and one child.

[PIANO MUSIC]

Hey!

Get yourself a new song
or a new girl.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

- What's that?
- Hair pins.

- I don't use them.
- Neither do I.

You have a cleaning lady
come in, don't you?

Once a week.

Well, tell her
to tidy herself up

and not to shed her hair pins
all over the place.

Right.

- What's her name?
- Who?

The cleaning lady.

Would I ask
a cleaning lady her name?

Right.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

I have news for you,
Sister Tillie.

You've changed your mind
about scrambled eggs.

No, I've been kicked upstairs.

No longer do I have
to spend my days

on the streets
button holding strangers

asking them if they think
"Shove It" is a good name

for a new sanitary napkin.

- No?
- No.

Now I can spend my days
in an air-conditioned office

collating and organizing data
collected by others.

In other words,
I'm an executive.

Well, I take it this
promotion includes a raise.

And I'm already spending it.

Have my eye on a new Buick,

or if that's still a little
too rich for my blood,

maybe a Chevy.

When did you find out
about all this?

Last night.

Well, why'd you wait
till now to tell me?

Because I wanted to make sure
that you went to bed

with me for myself alone,
and not my money.

Oh, I see.

I wonder how much
a new convertible would cost me?

That depends on what
they'll allow us on mine.

The honeymoon's over.

It's time to get married.

[HORN BLARING]

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Pete.

It's 2 o'clock in the morning,
and we've already--

Listen to me, my girl.

Let me tell you my theory
about sex and marriage.

It's like a medicine.

Three times a day
for the first week,

then once a day
for another week,

and then once
every three or four days

until the condition
has cleared up.

Oh.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[YAWNS]

Nine months to the day.

It's so embarrassing.

Me an incubator baby,

I don't understand it.

Seems we've spawned a giant.

- Did you speak to the doctor?
- Uh-huh.

He's ten and a quarter pounds
and twenty-one inches long.

Well, if I've said it once

I've said it a thousand times,

you only get out of something
what you put into it.

[LAUGHS]

["COCKTAILS FOR TWO" PLAYING]

♪ In some secluded rendezvous

♪ Whoopee

♪ That overlooks the avenue

[HORN BELLOWING]

♪ With someone sharing
a delightful chat ♪

♪ Of this and that

♪ And cocktails for two

♪ As we enjoy a cigarette

♪ To some exquisite
chansonnette ♪

♪ Two hands are sure
to slyly meet beneath ♪

- Pete.
- Yes.

He's only 18 months old,
for God's sake.

- So?
- So...

Should he be
subjected to those sounds?

My dear, it's never
too early to learn

to appreciate good music.

Oh, he's not gonna like this.

[BABY CRYING]

You see? I told you.

Alright, alright.

[MUSIC RESUMES]

Pete, Pete.

Come on. Pete.

[LAUGHING]
Stop it!

[SCREAMING]

No, Mrs. Seltzer,
Mr. Seltzer isn't back yet.

He must've left rather late.

No, I think it was
about 12:00 or 12:15.

Well, I'll wait a few minutes.

I'm going to catch
the 3:30 ferry.

Would you tell Mr. Seltzer?

- Certainly.
- Thank you.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[PIANO MUSIC]

How'd you like it, Pete?

The minute you play
that better than I do,

and I can hear that,
that day is not too far off

you pack your bags and leave.
[CHUCKLES]

Robbie, it's time for your bath.

Not yet,
not for ten more minutes.

Better ten minutes early
than ten minutes late.

Oh, come on, Mom. Pete.

Your mother
is the highest court

in the land,
there is no appeal.

- Put up your dukes.
- Dad, what are you doing?

Come on, jab, jab, jab.
Through the right.

[GROANING]

TILLIE: Robbie,
I'll be up in a minute.

He's not a piano player,
he's not a boxer. What is he?

Any particular reason you
wanted Robbie out of the way?

Yes, this, uh, questionnaire
from St. Andrew's School.

- What about it?
- Parents religious affiliation.

I put down
Congregationalists for me.

- What do I do about you?
- Put down headhunter.

I think that's a religion,
isn't it?

Come on, Pete,
what do I put down?

You're Lutheran and Jewish.

How about "Jewtheran?"

Won't that confuse them?

I sincerely hope so.

Sorry I missed you today.

You should call beforehand,
so I'll know.

Ms. Templeton said that
you were in town shopping,

which I hope means you haven't
made anything for dinner.

Is it too late for a sitter?
We can go out.

I left around 3:00.

I saw you come in,
or I think I did.

I wasn't sure.

Why the hell
didn't you speak up?

'Cause I had to get home.

Besides I couldn't be
certain it was you.

- How'd you like the package?
- What?

The girl I was with.
Did you get a look at her?

That's the one I was telling you
about the other night

or did I?

Oh, the new girl.

I believe you did say
something about her.

You're breaking her in
as a canvasser or something.

Yes, we're button holding
people on the street

these days getting their
reaction to a new product.

A fireproof pickle,
I think it is.

[CHUCKLES]

- Pity you don't drink.
- Yes, a pity.

Did you take her to lunch, Pete?

You bet your sweet
little bundle I did.

And don't think
your correspondent wouldn't like

to parlay that
into a little hard breathing.

But you know me.
The ole louse manque.

Not to first base.

Aren't you ashamed,
such a schlep for a husband?

I suppose it reflects
on you, but...

Well, so what else was by you?

Were the walls
perpendicular today?

Oh, I'm fine,

except for this
premonition of disaster.

Oh, now don't tell me

it's extrasensory
perception time

in Dixie again.

Let me take you out of all this.

There's a new French restaurant
in the Chinese Quarter.

ROBBIE: Mom.

Okay.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello.

- LUCY: Mrs. Seltzer.
- Yes.

LUCY: I'm afraid I'll have
to introduce myself.

I'm someone you don't know,
but know of.

- Oh.
- LUCY: I'm Lucy Lund.

Yes, I figured that.

I called to ask whether
you cared to sit down

like two civilized people
and talk the whole thing over.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

You must be Mrs. Seltzer.

Afraid I am.

May I have a martini?

You may have anything you want,

including my husband.

One can't be more civilized
than that, can one?

Um, a martini for my friend,

and I'll have a ginger ale.

My husband.

What on earth
do you see in him?

Well, do I have to tell you
all his good qualities?

I'd love it if you would.

To begin with,
he's amusing, good natured,

generous, kind,
a blast in his way, and...

[CHUCKLES]
Well...

you must know this
as well as I do,

a pistol.

A what?

A pistol.

Do you, uh, have an apartment
in the city, Ms. Lund?

Yes, uh, not far
from the office, matter of fact.

I don't mean to be cruel,
Ms. Lund,

but if all of us got together
to talk things over,

we'd have to rent a hall.

I mean, you're just one of
half a dozen or more.

- Oh.
- At least to my knowledge.

Ms. Lund?

My, uh, contact lens
is in my martini.

Oh, here.

Thank you. Thank you.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

Is everything alright?

Mm-hmm.
[CHUCKLES]

Where were we?

Oh. What do you think, uh,
is Peter's, uh, problem?

[SIGHS]

Well...

he's not attractive
to the opposite sex,

so he's gotta make up for it
by having so many of them,

or he feels he has to.

Well, men who are pistols, uh...

are like that because
they feel they have to be.

They're afraid that, uh,
at bottom they're not,

and, uh, they have to keep
proving over and over

to themselves that they are.

Beautifully put.
Thank you.

Would you care
for another martini?

No, thanks.

Well, it's almost time
to pick up my boy.

Wait, um, Mrs. Seltzer,

did you know he was like this
before you married him?

Certainly.

Then why did you marry him?

And why would you wanna
stay married to him?

Because he's a pistol.

[SIGHS]

Mmm.

Oh, I thought it was you.

Oh. I was just shopping.

I bought bottles
and bottles of vitamins.

I don't happen
to believe in vitamins,

but there's a sale, and I
happen to believe in sales.

[CHUCKLES]

- How's Robbie?
- Oh, we don't know.

- He's still in bed.
- Uh-huh.

What does Dr. Willett say?

Oh, not much, but he's
giving him a lot of tests

and then he's waiting
to hear from the lab.

I must say, he doesn't
seem very sick.

Pete says there's
nothing wrong with him

that a good injection
of chicken soup wouldn't cure.

[LAUGHS]

He says his Jewish grandmother

cured every conceivable disease
with chicken soup

until she was arrested

for practicing medicine
without a license.

Here's my car.

I'd asked you about Gertrude,

but I talk to her
four or five times a day.

Yeah, well, uh,
last time I asked

it was about six months ago,

she was fine.

I thought we'd
talk a few minutes.

- About what?
- Oh, adultery, for one thing.

Oh, anybody's in particular?

Well, yours and mine,
I was rather hoping.

As you were passing by,

you know, I just couldn't
help noticing

what smashing legs you have.

Well, to the mother
of a nine-year-old

that is very flattering,
thank you.

But I don't think
I'm quite ready.

And when you are?

You'll get every
consideration.

[CLANG]

You know, if you're going to
continue with this proposition,

it'll cost you a dime.

Not me.

Have you had a good look
at our garden lately?

We're gonna have to do
something about Vincent.

Dr. Willett called.

What'd he say?
Did the test come back?

- Yeah.
- Well, what'd he say?

He said he'd drop by
for a drink on his way home,

give us the report.
Should be here any minute now.

Well, why?

Why didn't he give you
the results over the telephone?

Why is he coming over here
to tell it?

Oh, come on, Tillie.

If you were married
to Irene Willett,

wouldn't you want a drink
on your way home?

Pete, I have
the most awful feeling.

Oh, stop it.

What were you saying about,
uh, the gardener?

Oh, we're gonna have
to let him go.

Let him go? What are you talking
about? He's got six kids.

Apparently, those are the only
seeds he can plant.

[DOORBELL RINGING]
I'll get it.

- Hi.
- Hi, Pete.

- Tillie.
- Hello, doctor.

Can I get you a drink?

I don't think
I'll have a drink.

Thank you, Tillie.

Is that a new picture?

Doctor, what'd the lab say?

I'm afraid
it isn't very good news.

In fact, it's...

quite bad.

Quite bad or very bad?

Very bad, Pete.

Doctor, what's...

It's in the blood stream,

definitely malignancy.

Are you certain?

WILLETT: We've checked
and double checked.

Can't tell you how sorry I am.

PETE: How long
does-- does he have?

WILLETT: Oh, I'd say
about a year,

probably less.

There'll be periods
of remission.

May be comparatively fine.

He can even go to school.

We'll do everything we can

to make him as
comfortable as possible.

And at any time

don't hesitate to call me.

Any time at all.

Alright.

Shit.

Absurd. The whole goddamn thing
is a scandal.

ROBBIE: Mom!

Business as usual.

[PIANO MUSIC]

Well, how about dinner, Rob?
We're pushing the veal roast.

What'd the doctor say?

Well, he says your blood
is homogenized

or something, on account of
that attack of the flu.

[PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES]

You need building up,
is the main thing

'cause you're really rundown.

Well, if you must know,
it's something called

"Postinfhienzal debility."

It sounds like
something Pete made up.

The main thing is
you'll be out of that bed

inside of a week or so

and then we can begin
thinking about that trip.

When is Pete's vacation?

Oh, couple of weeks.

Can be arranged as soon
as you're well enough,

and then the Sierras.

How about that?
[PIANO MUSIC]

Pete never should've tried
to expand his repertoire.

We were all quite happy with
"Piano Roll Blues," weren't we?

[CHUCKLES]

Such great songs
the kids are writing today

and you father comes up

with "Hot Time
in the Old Town Tonight."

Rob, how would you like to
take guitar lessons?

- All the kids today--
- May-- maybe later.

But I wanna stick to the piano,

so I can play in a cathouse

like Pete always wanted to.

What is a cathouse?

You know, place like
a saloon or something

where they stay up
to all hours and raise hell.

Playing all those
jazz instruments

that made caterwauling noises
like a cat,

that's where
the term comes from.

But if that's
the kind of ambition

your father inspires in his son

it's plain to see who needs
the discipline around here.

Peter.

Peter, would you step into
the principal's office, please?

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[CAR APPROACHING]

What's going on?

TILLIE: Our neighbor
Mr. Tucker is one of those nuts

obsessed with the mileage
he gets out of his car.

Keeps meticulous records.

So a couple of times a week
Robbie and Pete

sneak over there
with a can of gasoline

and keep filling up his tank,

and poor Mr. Tucker keeps
coming over boasting

how he's getting 40, 50,
even 60 miles to a gallon.

Pete says he's gonna
keep Robbie safe

in a world of nonsense.

No harm can come to him there.

- Isn't this fun?
- I don't know, Dad.

Three hours, and we haven't
caught one thing.

That's what I mean.
Isn't it fun for the fish?

[LAUGHING]

Hey, wait I think
I got something.

Steady, steady now.

Steady, you got it,
reel him in.

- Wow, look at him.
- Reel him in.

You've got it.
You've got a fish.

Attaboy.
What a beauty.

Look at that fish.
[CHUCKLES]

Isn't he a beauty?

Let him go, Pete,
let him go.

Let him go?
What are you talking about?

We've been standing here
for three hours.

Please.

- Oh, he's hurt.
- Alright, alright.

I'll let him go.
He's not hurt.

He's bleeding.

Doesn't feel anything,
you know, fish don't feel.

- He's caught.
- Oh, don't squeeze him so hard.

Who's squeezing him?

I'm not squeezing him.

Let's see, I think
I've seen this fish before.

There we are.
Alright, goodbye.

Just for that, young man,

you're gonna have to
have steak for dinner.

[LAUGHS]

Alright, Robbie.

Easy does it now.

Here we go, boy, easy.

Alright, here we go, Robbie.

[SIGHS]

Attaboy. Here we go.

ROBBIE: Can we put gas
in Mr. Tucker's car?

Tomorrow night, Robbie.

I hate fractions.

What's six divided
by three fourths?

That's your father's department.

Pete.

Six divided by what?

Three fourths.

Oh, that's easy.

Here, let me have
your thinking cap.

Six divided by three fourths.

Six times three,
the numerator is 18

divided by four,
the denominator,

it's four and a half.

Doesn't sound right to me.

Well, thank you to show a
little respect for your father.

I'm not sure, but I think
when you divide fractions

you invert the denominator
and the numerator,

so that six times four is 24,
divided by three is eight.

How does that sound?

It sounds much better, thanks.

That's right,
take you mother's side.

All I do around here
is pay the bills.

Just once, I'd like to be
treated like a human being.

[DOORBELL RINGING]
That has to be Tucker.

[LAUGHS]

You're gonna have to
keep a straight face.

Maybe you better go upstairs.

Oh, no, Pete, please.

Then hold it straight.
[LAUGHS]

- Tucker, how are you?
- Hi, Pete.

How are you? How's Mel?

Oh, Mellie's just fine,
thank you.

Hi, there.
I hope I'm not intruding.

Sure you are,
but come in anyway.

Well, I thought
you might be interested

in this week's figures.

- We are way back up again.
- Great.

You know, a few weeks back
when I was

down to 22, 24 miles a gallon?

When we're all
fishing the Sierras?

Yeah, well, of course,
naturally I thought

the 40s and 50s I'd been getting
was just a fluke.

Last week, I averaged 44.

This week 47.
[ROBBIE LAUGHING]

Have you ever thought
of complaining?

Complaining?

Well, why should I complain?

Well, such mileage,
obviously

there's something wrong
with your car.

[LAUGHING]

[STAMMERING]

He's stoned.

ABBOTT: ...baseball team here
at the retired actors home,

and I am the manager. Now...

COSTELLO: You're gonna be
the manager of the

retired actors baseball team?

I would like to join the retired
actors baseball team.

- Oh, you would.
- I would like to know...

some of the guys' names
on the team

so if I wanna play
with them I know 'um.

If I meet 'um on the street
or in the home here

I can say "Hello" to them.

ABBOTT: Oh, sure,
but you know they give

baseball players nowadays
very peculiar names.

COSTELLO: Oh, what
are the funny names?

ABBOTT: Well, let's see,
we have on our team

we have Who's on first,

What's on second,
I Don't Know's on third.

- That's what I wanna find out.
- The guys' name.

ABBOTT: That's what I wanna
find out, the guys' name.

ABBOTT: I'm telling you,
Who's on first,

What's on second,
I Don't Know's on third.

COSTELLO: Abbott,
you gonna be the manager

of the baseball team?

- You know the guys' name?
- Well, I should.

ABBOTT: I said Who's on first,
What's on second,

I Don't Know's on third.

What kind of a way
is this to spend

a sunny Saturday afternoon?

It's a history lesson, Mother.

I want your son to know
what comedy was like

twenty-five, thirty years ago.
Real comedy.

Abbott and Costello?

The Abbott and Costello

"Who's On First?"
routine is literature.

It ranks with
the Songs of Solomon,

the sonnets of Shakespeare,

and the speeches of Spiro Agnew.

[HORN HONKING]

ROBBIE: Who is it?

- PETE: Look out there.
- ROBBIE: Uh-oh.

ROBBIE: Pete, it's Mr. Tucker.

PETE: You ever see a more
smug expression in your life?

Yeah, listen, you two,
you've gotta stop

torturing poor Mr. Tucker.

I agree. The time has come
to reverse the procedure.

Instead of putting gas in,
we'll start siphoning it out.

Instead of getting
40 to 50 miles per gallon

he'll be lucky
to get eight to ten.

[LAUGHS]
Oh, Pete, he'll go mad.

I believe
that's the whole point.

I won't permit it.

Mr. Tucker is our neighbor.

- A nice, decent--
- I don't understand you.

You-- you attack
Abbott and Costello

and you defend Mr. Tucker.

- What's wrong with your mother?
- Oop.

Men.
[LAUGHS]

[SCREAMS]

[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

[SPITS]

What time is it?

About 2:00.

We're gonna have to face it.

Dr. Willett says this remission
can't last much longer.

How can you think of that?

[MUSIC ON TV]

[MAN LAUGHING ON TV]

Burn, Rome! Burn.

MAN ON TV: If in the
melancholy shades below,

the flames of friends and lovers
cease to glow.

Yet mine shall sacred last...

Lo, the blaze aspires!

[TURNS OFF TV]

MR. TUCKER:
When I bought it,

they guaranteed
30 miles per gallon,

so don't tell me there's nothing
wrong with the goddamn car.

To go from 44 miles
per gallon one week,

to nine miles per gallon
the next week.

- But, Mr. Tucker, I checked it.
- Don't try to tell me

there's nothing wrong with it.

There's nothing wrong
with the car.

I kept records on this car
since the day I got it.

The thing doesn't leak
its own gasoline.

- You don't believe me?
- You know Pete Seltzer?

When I bought it...
[LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

COSTELLO: Me being a good
catcher, I wanna throw the guy

out on first base,
so I pick up the ball

and throw it to home.

ABBOTT: Now, that's the
first thing you've said right.

COSTELLO: I don't even know
what I'm talking about.

ABBOTT: What do I have to do?

COSTELLO: You have to
throw the ball at first base.

- Yeah.
- Now who's got it?

- Naturally.
- Sure.

[ROBBIE LAUGHING]

The guy who's playing
on first base.

- Naturally.
- I wanna throw the guy out.

- No.
- So I throw the ball to who?

ABBOTT: Naturally.

COSTELLO: Throw it to who?

[ROBBIE LAUGHING]

Oh, you bastard.

You bully.

You butcher.

You son of a bitch
bloody butcher.

You, Jesus.

What's all this crap about
mercy and compassion?

Suffer the little children
to come unto me.

Suffer whose little children?

[CRYING]

Mary.

Mary, where are you now?

Mother of mercy.

Mother of mercy.

I spit on you!

I spit on you!

I spit on you!

TILLIE: Later, of course,
I recoiled in horror

from the memory of it.

Was it I saying those things?

Robbie left us
in the dead of winter.

I'd like to stay a moment.

[SIGHS]

What do you think, should we
have some kind of service?

The church bit?

Not the usual,
but something.

Not for you,
not for me...

for Robbie.

Play it safe, you mean.

I haven't been in a church
maybe 20 years.

Me neither.

MINISTER:
At the request of the parents,

Mr. and Mrs. Seltzer,

I will read
from the works of the poet

Robert Louis Stevenson.

"Purge out of every heart
the lurking grudge."

"Give us courage, and gaiety,"

"a quiet mind."

"Spare us to our friends."

"Soften us to our enemies."

"Bless us if it may be
in all our innocent endeavors."

"If it may not be..."

TILLIE: For almost six months

we lived practically alone.

I was content in seclusion.

But then friends coaxed us
out to a cocktail party.

Pete quickly accepted
before I could say no.

Excuse me, please.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

PETE: No, I'll tell you...

I'll tell you why
I'm not in the stock market.

The lady will have a Coke,
and I'll have a Scotch.

PETE: I just read where the
president of Anaconda Copper

heard about Tijuana Brass

and he wants to
arrange a merger.

[LAUGHING]

- No, really, I'm serious.
- Excuse me, Father.

- Tillie.
- Hello, Bert.

- Mm. You look marvelous.
- Where's Gertrude?

Oh, she's visiting her mother
in Minneapolis or someplace.

How's Pete?

In there talking to that
redhead. Why don't you ask him?

I don't ask men how they are.

But that redhead's
another proposition.

[LAUGHING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

She says she's visiting
her mother in Minnesota,

but she's off someplace
having a face lift.

- WOMAN: Again?
- JIMMY: Yeah.

JIMMY: I hear she has
the surgeon on a retainer.

I had this new secretary
who called me Pete.

We had a couple of lunches,

and she started
calling me Mr. Seltzer.

I said, "Hey,
you used to call me Pete."

But she says, "That's before
I got to know you."

[LAUGHS]

She had the largest--

Pete, I'd like to go now.

The invitation
said 5:00 to 8:00.

But it's only 9:00.

Pete.

Sure.

Think I can still
catch the second half

of that football game.

Would you fix me a drink,
please?

Alright.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Mississippi 48 or 49.

So with two minutes and
15 seconds to go in the half

Mississippi takes over
on zone 48.

They're lining up
with two tight ends.

Here's the snap. Whoops.

Looks like a busted play.

Somebody got their
signals crossed.

Mississippi is calling
a timeout.

[PETE SIGHING]

Up to the line of scrimmage
without much more.

MAN ON TV: See where the referee
puts the ball in.

Thirty-three.
That makes it thirty-three.

Thank you.

Who's playing?

Mississippi,
Mississippi State.

You mean you care
which one of them wins?

I don't care,
not the slightest.

Then why are you watching?

Honey, I'm just gonna sit here
and hope for injuries.

We should've stayed
at the party.

I was getting
more laughs there.

[CHATTER ON TV]

You know, Gertrude's
been after me for quite

some time to talk
to Father Keating.

About what?

You think he'd try
to proselytize me?

Wouldn't be surprised.

Well, would it bother you?

Well, I mean, suppose
Father Keating succeeded?

Suppose I...

I believe the expression
is "Embrace Catholicism."

Alright, embrace Catholicism.

Would it bother you very much?

Not particularly.

But tell me something.

You've never been much
of a Congregationalist.

What makes you think
you'd be a better anything else?

I don't know.

I don't know.

But I need somethin'.

You're gonna laugh at me, but...

At 4:00 or 5:00
every morning

when I'm lying wide awake,
I keep thinking...

a nine-year-old boy dies...

needlessly,

senselessly,
is it a punishment?

Are we being punished
for something?

Punished by whom?

Don't make it so tough for me.

You know damn well by whom.

Alright, I know
damn well by whom,

but for what,
for Christ's sake?

I don't know for what,

and I'm sure you don't either.

And Father Keating does?

Well, at least he'd be
willing to discuss it seriously.

And so would I!
Take you, for example.

I think you can be classified

as what is known
as a good person.

Oh, you're a little rough
on redheads at parties.

- But all in all...
- Pete.

Now take me,
I'm not so bad either.

Oh, I admit to a few flaws,
but not many.

Pete, shut up.

So I put it to you, Tillie,

that our poor darling baby died,

not because of retribution
divine or otherwise,

but simply because
some goddamn bug got--

You want me to scream?

I leave it up to you.

Always a little joke.

Anything to hide
your true feelings.

Let me tell you something
about true feelings.

I've made quite a study
of true feelings.

Most of them deserve
to be hidden.

[FOOTSTEPS]

I suppose I should
be grateful you did

deign to discuss it,
that's something.

Anything disturbs you,
you keep it to yourself.

Clam up.

If something bothers me...

I know, I know, it makes you
feel better to talk about it.

Well, it makes me feel worse.

God, how have we ever
stayed married for 11 years?

Because I'd rather not
discuss things with you

than with any other woman
in the world.

I'm going to bed.

You have my very best wishes.

I just saw a film
of rare beauty

on the late, late show.

Tarzan was complaining
to his buddy the ape

about his sex life...

Tarzan's, not the ape's.

Which reminds me,
we should be celebrating

an anniversary pretty soon.

It's been almost a year
since you and I--

You're smashed.

Possibly.

I'll bet you've killed
conservatively half a bottle.

How does one kill
conservatively?

I can see killing madly,
angrily,

indiscriminately, mechanically,
but conservatively?

Goodnight, Pete.

Expect I'll be home late again
tomorrow night.

Some reports
to rush out to some poop

in South Jesus Idaho somewhere.

Stay in town all night
if you want.

I mean, I don't mind.

Even if you've got somebody.

You've gotta live, I know.

I have no right to starve you

just because I've
lost my appetite.

No comment.

TILLIE: Pete's taken
a one room apartment in town

someplace, so a shrewd guess
would be that we're separated.

[SHIP HORN BLARING]

And I hear Gertrude
has talked you into

heading the raffle committee
at the mental health ball.

Oh, yeah.

[LAUGHS]
Gertrude says I'm a bitch,

but she's still
allowing me to arrange

for my dear friend,
Princess Grace, to receive

the first prize winners
at the castle in Monaco.

You may be a bitch,

but to the rest of the community

you're worth
all the husbands in town.

Yeah.

Well, none of them
ever lifts a finger

to help out
with any of the charities.

Have you ever refused a request?

I adore the limelight. Hmph.

Well, anyway, I'm going to
the police department tomorrow

with Laura Colton
to register the lottery.

It's a state law or something.

Certainly is.

And you're not going
with Laura Colton,

you're going
with Gertrude Wilson

because among
the routine questions

the police will ask you

is your name,
your address and your age.

Oh.
[LAUGHS]

Poor unsuspecting Gertrude.

After all these years,
we finally have her. Heh.

She may be able to slip and
slide her way out of telling us,

but the police, no way.

I can't do that, Jimmy.

I can't do that
to my best friend.

But, darling,
what are best friends for?

No.

Well, [CLEARS THROAT] I've saved
my trump card for the last.

Laura Colton has the flu.

I know. I gave it to her.

[CHUCKLES]

GERTRUDE: What do you
hear from Pete?

TILLIE: Well, I haven't.

'Course, he could've
called while I'm out.

I've been out a lot lately

thanks to you and your lottery.

Listen, Gert, you don't
have to register with me.

Oh, well, we need two
committee members, remember?

And I don't mind.

Well, I can wait for Laura.

She'll be fine tomorrow.

No, let's get it over with.

Speaking of getting
things over with,

have you seen a lawyer?

About what?

About what? The divorce.

What divorce?

Yours and Pete's.

What have you done about it?
Have you seen a lawyer?

No, I haven't seen a lawyer.

I don't even know a lawyer.

Well, I know lots.

Well, I'm not quite sure
I'm ready to.

Well, you can get it
on adultery.

I know that.

Well, if you know that,
I must know it too.

No, if you want me to,
I'll testify at the trial.

I couldn't put
you to that trouble.

Oh, listen, my girl,
I got you married.

The least I can do is
get you divorced properly.

Now, call this lawyer I know.

He's marvelous.

He handles all your
friends' divorces, does he?

I don't get a commission,
if that's what you mean.

Ah, here we are.

MAN: Organization?

GERTRUDE: Mental health.

Prize?

GERTRUDE:
An all-expense trip to Monaco.

A day's hospitality with her
serene highness, Princess Grace.

Uh, total monetary value?

Uh, approximately then.

I just have
to put something down here.

About a $1,000.

- Price per ticket?
- Uh, $20 apiece.

We're planning
on selling 250 tickets.

Very well. Now, I've gotta ask
you to swear to all this

identification with
the required vital statistics.

- Your name?
- Gertrude Wilson.

Address?

Uh, 210 Chestnut Drive.

Age?

Age?

Um...
[CLEARS THROAT]

[STAMMERING]

[STAMMERING]

Take your time.

We get this all the time,
but it can't be helped.

Do you wanna try again
to state your age?

[CHUCKLES]

[STAMMERING]

She's dead.

I always knew this would happen.

Oh, you did this deliberately.

You planned it deliberately!

I'll never forgive
you for that.

But it's true, you're a bitch.

- Who's the bitch?
- You.

Prove it.

I don't have to prove it,
everybody knows it.

It's like two and two are four.

You are a bitch!

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

[SIGHS]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GROANING]

No wonder your husband left you.

You dried up old hag!

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

Stop!

[SCREAMING]

[TILLIE LAUGHING]

Stop!

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

TILLIE: No, no!

[GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

TILLIE: So, Gertrude,
age still unknown

is in the Bahamas
for a much needed vacation,

and I'm here in this
so-called rest home

trying to pull myself together.

And Pete...

Who knows where Pete is.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Come in.

You have a visitor,
Mrs. Seltzer.

Jimmy.

Oh, [CHUCKLES] must they
throw a pistachio at you

at this hour of the day?

Couldn't they wait
until evening? Heh.

You smell better
than your flowers.

My dear girl, I am going
to get you out of this

if it takes a letter
to Washington.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, ah, may I sit down
in one of your chairs?

Mm. From what mortician
were they rented?

[CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Last time I was
in a room like this

was when I visited
an old aunt of mine in Chicago.

She was nearly 90 then.

And it has long since been
torn down, but no matter.

[SIGHS]
Well, pit.

This is going to give
mental health a black eye.

For a long time, I had two.

It was all for nothing.

I never did find out
how old she was.

Well, while she's
in the Bahamas

I'm spreading the word
that she's 53.

Let her straighten us out
when she gets back.

[CHUCKLES]

But to hell with Gertrude.

I wanna talk to you.

You'll, um, forgive my prying,
darling,

because I'm interested.

But your marriage
is definitely over, isn't it?

Or, um, se fini nes pah,

to put it more elegantly.

I guess it is.

Right.

Now, I shall proceed
to astonish myself.

Why don't you take
a whack at it with me?

Ah, you could do worse.

Indeed you already have.

I've never married.
Not for lack of opportunities.

I've had several propositions
in my time.

Some of them from women.

I'm healthy,
solvent and amusing.

I shall never beat you.

I'm not that interested
in women.

And I shall make you chic.

I'll dress you
from head to foot.

I'll do something
with your hair.

I'll make you over,

because you do
have possibilities.

There'll never be a dull moment.

We'll see all the shows.

We'll travel abroad once a year

always eating at least
as well as at home

because flanking my cookbooks

is a shelf full of eating guides

beginning with the Michelin.

Pete always called them
"Belly Baedekers."

Please not while
I'm proposing.

Well, you'll find
everything a woman can

reasonably expect in this world.

Food, shelter, clothing,

and... a sort of a husband.

Oh, my mother.

I have a mother someplace.

This will sum up
my mother for you.

She'd vote for Ronald Reagan
for president

because any man
who had both legs amputated,

as he did in that movie
that keeps being reshown,

and then went on to become
governor of California,

deserves our admiration.

We'll see her once a year.

And we'll phone her
every Christmas Eve.

Well, I guess
that just about wraps it up.

Done and done.

Goodbye for the present.

Now, I must go
and prattle about us.

Jimmy.

Could we make it our secret
for the time being?

Of course, else what would
there be to prattle about?

Don't breathe a word.

One busybody
in the family is enough.

Hello, Mrs. Seltzer.

Hello, Pete, how are you?

What the hell are you
doing here in Disneyland?

[CHUCKLES]
I don't even know for sure.

Are you keeping busy?

How are things in town?

Well, you know,
San Francisco this time of year.

Crawling with Americans.

Why didn't you call a man?

I looked in your room,
I noticed your bags were packed.

Yeah, I'm leaving.

I was just taking
a last little walk.

Listen, Tillie, we're
going to have to be strong.

We're going to have to face
the cold hard facts.

This separation of ours,
it just isn't working out.

I mean, my plumber tells me

that the pursuit of women
is flight from woman.

What does that mean?

What the hell do I know,
am I a plumber?

WOMAN: Come on now, cool it.

You can't run around
in here like that.

Come on.

Hey, kiddo, that's--

Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.

Now, that was very rude of you!

You mustn't run
in between people like that.

CHILD: Who cares?

WOMAN: Oh! I care!

You've gotta be polite!

You know,
this is the first time

you've ever cried for Robbie.

[SNIFFLES]
Not quite correct.

The first time
I've ever cried aloud.

Oh, God, Pete.

When I think of all
the wonderful things

you never said to me.

You should've heard them anyway.

Yeah.

I suppose there was
a lack in me somewhere.

[SIGHS]

When I think of all the times
I was so irritated with you...

and yet right now,

I don't think I've ever
loved you more.

Well, love without irritation
is just lust.

Not that there's anything
particularly wrong with lust.

[CHUCKLES]

I just realized
something about you, Pete.

I tried for years
to put my finger

on what was wrong with you.

What your faults were,
your flaws.

And now it's come to me.

You have no faults at all.

You're just hopeless.

Did you drive up?

Car is up front.

Your bags and coat
are already in it.

Oh.
[CHUCKLES]

What's so funny?

Oh, I was just thinking.

Thank God I have Pete Seltzer
to see me

through the disillusionments
of a marriage.

I like your attitude,
Mrs. Seltzer.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[SERENE MUSIC]