Perfectly Prudence (2011) - full transcript

Matt, it's Annie mcintyre,

producer of
"at home with prudence."

We are so excited you're gonna
be doing our season premiere.

Our audience is just
gonna love seeing you

and your spectacular
floral designs.

Yes, I just finalized
the guest list.

It's gonna be
an amazing show.

I got
Rafael rossilini...

And Dr. Nancy knowland,

the nutrition guru,
just confirmed.

She has her own show,



but she said
she wouldn't miss

doing our premiere
for anything.

Of course my mother's
gonna do her pointers.

It's gonna be
a great show.

I look forward
to seeing you.

Yes!

Ow!
Oh, my god!

Nigel, are you okay?!

Aah. Ohh.

Oh, it's hot coffee.
It's really hot coffee.

Does it hurt?

No, I'm fine.
Ohh.

Nigel spilled hot coffee
on his...

You-know-what.



Yeah, I know what.
Thank you.
Okay.

Cold on a burn.

Annie, get some ice.

Put the ice cubes there.

There?

For 30 minutes.

Oh, don't be
so bloody shy, Nigel.

We're family here.

Annie's like your sister.

Right,
and mom's like your mom.
Ohh.

So, uh, how's
the guest list going?

Uh, done.
It's awesome.

Uh, Matt wood,
the floral designer

who does those fabulous
permanent botanicals,

postponed his trip to France
to be on our show.

And we also have ...

Rafael rossilini?

Yeah. His new cookbook
is a huge best seller.

Well, the black plague was quite
successful, too, wasn't it?

We don't want him?

Rafael rossilini
can't boil water!

The Risotto he made on the show
last year was inedible.

True. A viewer
who made his Risotto

said it was so starchy

that her husband used it
to repair drywall.

And Dr. Knowland ...

I mean,
yes, she's popular,

but on camera she's about as
exciting as watching a tan fade.

I mean, didn't you
review the tapes of her shows?

I have seen
a hundred shows

since I got back
from London, mother.

Well, not to worry.

I'll get you up to speed
in no time at all.

All that matters is that
you're here, you're home,

and you're
a thousand miles away

from that twit you dated
at school.

He was a full professor.
He was hardly a twit.

Well, your father agreed
with me.

By the way,
have you talked to him?

I have sent him
like a dozen messages,

but he's always traveling off
somewhere in a meeting.

Oh, he was like that
when we were married.

Work is all he does.
What's that about?

Money.

Men confuse money
with their manhood.

That's why I'm so glad
that you're producing my show.

Because I'm not a man?

Speaking
of men and money,

this is an article in the paper
you should probably read.

Morton merchant
has finally closed the deal

on buying
our parent company.

He's already promised
cost cuts,

staff reductions,

creative changes ...

just a bunch of hot air to make
the shareholders happy.

Well, should we be worried
about this?

I mean, he's got
a terrible reputation.

Our show's
a cash cow.

He's not gonna touch US.

Nigel, bring your ice cubes.
We've got work to do.

I think we'll start
with cockroaches and catnip.

You want to lead
with bugs?

Bold.

Well, it'll get
everyone's attention.

People hate
the little buggers.

As much as cockroaches
hate catnip.

Check this out.

Are those
real cockroaches?

I'm an artist.
I don't use props.

But don't worry ...
they're surrounded by catnip.

It's like a maginot line ...
impenetrable.

The maginot line
was a disaster.

The Germans walked
right around it.

Exactly. That's why my
maginot line is a circle.

Uh-huh.

We'll go with
this one second.

Nice change of pace.

Spray perfume
on light bulbs.

It evaporates
and voilà!

Instant air freshener.

Ohh, my god.
What is this scent?

Eau d'amour.

I used to give it to girls
on Valentine's day.

Who weren't speaking to you
by easter, I'd wager.

How'd you know that?

Just a guess.

We'll use
my French perfume instead.

Oh! What was that?

One of the light bulbs
exploded.

Oh, it's that eau d'amour.
It's nothing but alcohol!

Aah!
Hit the floor!

Nigel, your cockroaches
have escaped!

They crashed right through
your sodding maginot line!

Get off the floor!

The roaches
aren't moving.

What are they
waiting for?

US.

Oh, my god!
I'm so sorry.

I was in such a hurry...

Apparently.
...That I didn't
hear you knock.

I didn't have
a chance to.

Uh, Michael merchant.

Merchant?

Morton merchant's son.
You?

Annie mcintyre.

Mcintyre?

Her daughter
and the producer

of "at home
with prudence."

Oh, uh, Jack Jameson,
Annie mcintyre ...

prudence's daughter.

Well, we'll all be spending
a good deal of time together.

We will?
Mm.

Why's that?

They're not going away.

Maybe we should
scare them.

Make noise, lots of it.

Okay.

No, no, louder, Nigel,
louder.

Like

Mom!

What are you two doing?

We're surrounded
by cockroaches.

It's one of Nigel's experiments
gone bad.

The roaches are gone.

Gone where, Nigel?

Your whistle
must've scared them.

They have sensitive antennae,
you know.

Okay.

There's someone here
to see you, mom.

Oh.

Miss mcintyre...

May I call
you prudence?

I'm Michael merchant,
prudence ...

Morton merchant's son.

This is Jack Jameson.

What are you doing here?

We'll be working
on the season premiere

of "at home
with prudence."

Doing what?

We're the
executive producers.

No, I'm the executive producer.
This is my show.

Which is owned
by my father's company.

Read my lips ...
this is my show.

We want to help you
make "at home with prudence"

the best show
it can possibly be.

Which I have been doing myself
for years.

But there's always room
for improvements.

You're so close
to the show.

Well, I should bloody well
hope so. It is my show.

That it's tough to see
the bigger picture.

Now, Jack and I
bring fresh eyes,

think outside the box.

And talk in nothing but clichés,
apparently.

Jack will handle
the business end of things.

He's a nuts-and-bolts guy.

I'll do creative.

I've got some ideas
you are gonna love.

Now, you shoot the entire show
here, right?

Right.
Good.

I'm gonna wander around,

see what I have
to work with.

Annie will show you
what you have to work with.

Cool.

Yeah,
I'd kill for a latte.

A latte?

Yeah,
a triple would be perfect.

No, Nigel doesn't work
on staff here.

He runs my mother's lab.

Well, then you must be great
with machines.

Whole milk, no foam.
Capice?

We'll be back
in 10 minutes.

Well, this is awkward.

Well, that's one way
of putting it.

But we're both adults,
professionals.

And I'm sure
we can make this work.

We have to.

Why's that?

'Cause Morton merchant
paid a lot of money

for media enterprises,

and he wants change.

He expects it.

I don't give a toss
what he wants or expects.

That's your problem.

Prudence...

You're starting
to irritate me.

Let's get
something straight.

This isn't personal.

This is business.

Morton merchant pays me
to make him money.

I'll make him money.

And I'll make him
a hell of a lot more.

Now, look.
We don't have to be enemies.

No, I suppose we don't.

Good.

We bloody well are!

What the hell
was that for?

It's for the last
25 years.

You went out
to get ... what? ...

a bottle of wine,
a packet of cigarettes...

Both!
...And never came back.

I wrote, didn't I?

Yeah, a postcard
from sodding Afghanistan.

Turkmenistan.

Which arrived
three months later.

They didn't have air mail!
It went out in a yak!

And now you have the nerve
to walk into my life

and say,
"we don't have to be enemies."

Oh, for god's sakes.
Are you still angry?

That was 25 years ago.

I was angry and hurt then.

Now, I'm just...Disgusted,

because I was stupid enough
to fall in love with you

in the first place.

Prudence...

Pru...

Prudence.

I'm surprised...
And pleased.

I thought I might have
to build a set,

but there's a lot to work with
right here.

Well,
that's encouraging,

since the show is called
"at home with prudence."

I've already hired an architect
and an interior designer

to work up some ideas,
so...

Send them to me.

Why would I do that?

Because nothing gets
changed in this house
without my approval

and my mother's.

You'll love
what I'm going to do.

It is going to totally
sex up the house.

"Sex up the house"?
What's that supposed to mean?

Yes, what? We're not doing
a show about a bordello.

Ow!

Damn, that's hot!

Oh. I'm sorry.

I'm not very good
with Espresso machines.

I'll get it.

Michael, you were saying
about my house?

The house is lovely,

but it just feels too...

Domestic.

Domestic?
Mm-hmm.

Well, how else is a house
supposed to feel?

Well, that depends on who lives
in the house, doesn't it?

Well, I live
in this house,

and my fans love being invited
here every week.

Then they're going to love
the redo I have in mind.

How can we exploit this,
Jack?

We'll have
architectural digest

do a cover article
on the house

and then devote an entire
episode to having prudence

give her audience
a tour.

Multi-media synergy!

That is so tight, Jack!
I love it!

All right,
so, it's a great start, people.

We'll continue tomorrow morning,
10-ish?

And why don't we, uh,
grab a drink,

you know,
kick some ideas around?

A drink?
I have way too much to do.

Do it later, sweetie.

You need to understand

exactly what creative ideas
Michael has in mind.

Great.

Okay.

We can, uh,
continue over dinner.

Sorry, ned.

I'll be in the lab,

working on Espresso
or something.

You got off the balcony.

Yeah. I climbed halfway
down the storm drain,

and I fell
the last 15 feet.

Well, you never did like
getting stuck in one
place for too long.

Soak the sprained ankle
in hot water

and a cup
of laundry detergent.

It'll take away the pain...

And clean your feet,
as well.

Thanks.

It's his attitude
that bothers me.

Totally. He expects to get
whatever he wants,

like it's his birthright
or something.

Abso-bloody-lutely.
And this is my home.

He can't just walk in.

Like he owns the place
and everyone in it.

He's a complete
narcissist.

The universe revolves
around him.

Granted,
he is charming.

Charm's an inch deep.

Nothing but cold stone
underneath. No heart.

Maybe, but people see
this attractive guy,

and they assume...

Well, looks
can be deceiving.

They are,
especially to women.

He's not even
that handsome.

I mean,
in the right light,

his face is all wonky
and off balance or something.

I hadn't noticed.

Oh, trust me.

The older he gets,
the more obvious it is.

How old do you think
Michael is?

Michael?!

Michael's only a year older
than me.

But he's so different
than all the other guys his age.

He's got so much energy.

Energy?

Yeah, most of the guys I know
are really bored and detached,

but he's really...
Turned on.

I'll bet
he's turned on.

"Turned on"?
What's that supposed to mean?

Well, he's enthusiastic
about everything.

It's...infectious.

Infectious?

You shouldn't be fraternizing
with that boy.

Fraternizing?
We had a drink ...

which was your idea,
by the way.

Sweetie, he's the enemy.

He's come to take over
the show,

and ... how did he put it?

"Sex it up"
was how he put it.

That's a figure of speech.

It's a bloody
declaration of war!

Whatever.

So, how did it go?

What did you learn about
the shifty little blaggard?

Oh, so much.
He has had an amazing life.

I don't care
about his sordid life.

What are his plans
for the show?

Well, we didn't
talk about the show.

What happened
to brainstorming?

I tried to,
but Michael wasn't interested.

Don't worry.
It's gonna happen.

So, we're agreed.

No more happy-hour
hobnobbing.

No, we are not agreed.
I am an adult, mother.

I can make
my own decisions.

As they say in england ...

"mind your own
bloody beeswax."

I don't care much for
Michael's "infectious" energy.

I can see why. I mean,
the guy's very...Very...

Exactly.
Yeah.

And Annie's
so vulnerable,

especially after that wanker
in London broke her heart.

And I don't think
she's ready for...

Definitely not.

Yeah.

I think you should keep
an eye on both of them, 24/7.

On them? Me?

We need to know
what's going on,

and I can't spy
on my own daughter, can I?

No, but I don't know
if I should be the one to...

Oh, you're just part
of the scenery, Nigel.

No one will pay any attention
to you.

It's just a preliminary idea,

but you can see
where I'm going.

Oh, straight to hell
in a hand basket.

It looks like
a warehouse downtown.

That's exactly right, Nick!

It's "Nigel."

It's an urban look.

Very happening.

Everyone's moving downtown.

Well, I'm not.
And neither is my house.

Well, we had marketing analyze
your audience demographics.

I know my audience.

Better than anyone.

Yeah, mom knows half of her fans
by their first names.

Well, then you know
they're predominantly female,

married,
and middle class.

Precisely.

Merchant wants
a broader audience,

with a larger
socioeconomic footprint.

What exactly
does that mean?

More men, singles,
fast-track professionals

with disposable income.

We grab that audience,

we're gonna have them
for the next 50 years.

Well, you're not gonna
have me for that long.

It's just good management to
think about tomorrow, today.

True...

We do need to plan
to hand off the Baton.

Hand off the Baton?
To whom?

Who is that?

What is that?

That's Angelica Adams.

The new co-host
of "at home with prudence."

Are you completely daft?

I mean, do you really think
that a bleached blonde tart

is gonna be my co-host?

And successor?

It's just an option.

She is not an option.

We expect her to attract
a whole new audience of
"prudence" viewers.

Which she will.
Ratings jumped 25%

when she did the weather
in sioux city.

Well, she could read
the bloody telephone book

in that outfit
and get viewers.

Exactly.

So, moving on...

I want her to stay here.

In my house? Why?

So you two can get
to know each other.

I want a chemistry

between you two
when we shoot the premiere,

like you're sisters...

...or best friends.

Lovely.

You like it?

Absolutely.

And you can call the show
"at home with prudence...

And a bimbo
in a bathing suit."

She's gonna need a little
massaging on this, Jack.

Handle it.

Having Angelica stay
in the house is a bad idea,

for so many
different reasons.

I agree.

Okay, am I ...
am I the only one here

who can think
outside the box?

Look, it'll be good
for the show.

Where can Angelica stay?

Well, there's the guest quarters
in the back of the house.

All right, great.

Let's have a look.

I guess I have work to do.

The guest quarters
aren't lavish,

but it's totally private
out here and very cozy.

Cozy and private
sounds good.

I hope Angelica
will be comfortable.

Are you kidding?

Angie grew up
in a trailer park.

Hot water and indoor plumbing
is like a vacation for her.

You need to be reasonable
on this, prudence.

You're just like
bad Chinese food, Jack.

You just keep
popping back up.

This is gonna happen.
You got to accept it.

This is so sordid.
You should be ashamed.

It's called show business,

not show art, prudence.

We're all just
selling soap.

When I met you,

you were writing
the great American novel.

Now you're selling soap?

That book was terrible.
It was a waste of my time.

Well,
you're wrong about that.

You liked it?

No, no, it was dreadful,

but it wasn't
a waste of time.

When did you
just settle, Jack?

I didn't settle.
I changed.

That's a pity.

No, no, it's not.

It's what I do now.
And I'm good.

I've accomplished a lot.

You think making more money

for people who are already
stinking rich

is an accomplishment?

They seem to.

So the ends
justify the means?

Sometimes you got to break eggs
to make an omelet.

This isn't about eggs, Jack.
This is about my show.

And you're going to
destroy it.

Merchant's calling
the shots.

I'm just...
Following orders here.

God, you really did settle,
didn't you?

Oh, yeah?
And what about you?

Riding your mother's
coattails, huh?
Coattails?

Yeah! Pitching pointers
like she did 50 years ago.

Well,
I'm proud of what I do.

I make a difference
in people's lives.

Oh, yeah, you should be.
You know why?

Because, without you,

people wouldn't know how
to make a back scrubber

out of a pair
of panty hose

or take an old sock
and turn it into a heating pad.

Aha! You've been reading
my column,

and watching my show.

Not if my life
depended on it.

What life?
You sold yours.

I got a damn good price
for it, too.

So, you're rich
and miserable.

Happiness is overrated.

Have you ever been happy,
Jack?

Yeah. Once.

When?

When I was in love.

Not you, Jack. You'd have
to have a heart to be in love.

Oh, I had a heart.

I had a heart,
and I gave it to you.

You left me without a bloody
word of explanation.

You opened the door,
didn't you?

And you wanted to leave!

You got married
four months later!

You know
I would've married you,

but it scared you stupid.

I loved you.
And I loved you!

That...that...

...was a bad idea.

That will never
happen again.

Ever!

We haven't even
scratched the surface

on how to exploit
"at home with prudence."

Exploit it?
Absolutely.

The show makes
decent money,

but we can increase revenue
300%, 400%.

How?

Where do I start?

Example ...

prupointers use regular
household stuff, right?

Right, that's why
people like them.

And the people who sell
that stuff

will pay huge money to have
prudence mcintyre

Sell their products.

You mean
product placement?

No way. My mom thinks
that's sleazy.

It's good business.

She'll never do it,
Michael.

Sit down.
We need to talk.

You're the producer
of the show, Annie.

You make
the tough decisions.

I'm producing my mother's show.
It's not that easy.

You think it's easy
working for a man

who wants to be
called "mister"?

No.
Sounds like it sucks.

Totally.

But when I make
the tough decisions,

the old man respects me.

This is your chance
to do the same thing.

Declare your independence.

It's a great opportunity,
Annie.

I'm gonna be running my father's
company someday.

I'm already building
a team of people

with talent, vision,
commitment.

I want you on that team.

I'm not sure ...

Annie...

You help me make "at home"
a success,

and you can write
your own ticket.

I believe in you.

Why?

You don't even know me.

I know all I need to know.

The sky's the limit.

You're good.

And you can be great.

I'll do what I can,
but I can only push her so far.

Ooh. Don't push her.
Pull her.

Nobody pulls my mother.
Trust me.

And you will,
for your sake,

and for hers, too.

Meaning?

My father's never seen
the show.

He couldn't tell a prupointer
from a pizza.

All he cares about
is making money ... lots of it.

If your mother
won't play ball,

he'll take her
out of the game.

My mother is the game,
Michael.

It's a new game.

By the way,
cancel the guests

that you were planning
for the premiere.

Why?

I want to go with edgy,
exciting guests ...

people with sizzle.

On "at home
with prudence"?

The new
"at home with prudence."

I'm busy, Jack.

This can't wait.
Will you excuse US, please?

Hey, I'm glad we talked.

Think about what I said?

What's going on
between you and Annie?

Why?

Well, we're supposed to be
producing a show here.

Anything personal
is unprofessional,

and it's unnecessary.

Annie's the producer.

What I'm doing with her
is professional and necessary.

How I do it
is none of your business.

Yeah, it is.

I'm one of
the executive producers.

Do you remember that?

Jack, you're a hired hand
working for my father.

I'm his son.
Blood has privileges.

So don't be an idiot.

Capice?

Nice.

We should place several
of Matt's arrangements

throughout the house

so that the viewers can see
how unbelievably real

these permanent
flowers look.

Yeah, I thought
about that.

We'll put some in the foyer,
the living room,

and the dining room.

You two can do a walk and talk
from room to room.

Mm. Exactly.
Walk and talk.

Just talked to Angie.

She's arriving
tomorrow morning,

and she is very excited
to meet you.

Well, I'm on
pins and needles, too.

It was good talking
with you, Annie.

I can't wait to start working
out the details of the show.

What details?

Oh, you know,
hair, makeup,

wardrobe ... I've got
some really cool ideas.

You're gonna love them.

Did he mention
any of this to you?

Uh, no details,

but it wouldn't hurt to see
what he's thinking about.

Well,
I couldn't care less

what that arrogant little git
is thinking about.

You're my producer.

Michael isn't required
to have any ideas,

especially cool ones.

How's it goin'?

I'm a little overwhelmed,
but it's coming together.

You're spending a lot of time
with Michael.

I have to.
He's very hands-on.

I can see that.

So, is it just business,
or are you guys...

I hardly know the guy, Nigel.
It's business.

Right. Of course.
It's just he's so "infectious."

What's all this?

A truck from merchant's company
just delivered it.

Unpack the rest of the boxes,
inventory the content,

and whenever you can,
use these in our prupointers.

Why? I have a lab full
of stuff.

We're making
product-placement deals.

The more we use,
the more we get paid.

Your mom approved this?

My mom doesn't know
about it.

You approved it?

Michael and I discussed it.
It was a business decision.

Prudence hates
business decisions.

Michael said they'd fire her
if she didn't play ball.

What?
They can't do that.

They can, Nigel, and they will.
I don't know what to do.

You have to promise me
that you won't say anything.

Please.

I promise.

Thank you.

I can always
depend on you.

Look, your mom
is a people person.

If she has to,
she'll find a diplomatic way

to deal with Michael
and his father.

He's not gonna touch a thing
on my body!

Not my makeup, not my hair.

I mean, this is my show!

And I'm not gonna have
some bloody makeover done

by some twentysomething twit

without an ounce of taste
or good sense

in his pointy little head!

See? Diplomacy.

Oh, my god, Jack,
this is amazing.

Thanks.
Omelets are my specialty.

I don't know any guys
that can cook.

Well, I'm a single guy
who loves to eat.

Well, my mom's single,
and she loves to eat,

but she's hopeless
in the kitchen.

It's like a foreign planet
to her or something.

I know.
You do?

Well, no,
not about your mom,

but there's a lot
of career women

who don't know
how to cook.

Yeah.
I can't even boil water.

But I'd love to learn.

Well, I'd be happy
to get you started.

Just say the word.

Really?
Sure.

That would
be so cool.

What are you
doing here?

I got here early,
and Annie was hungry, so...

Jack's an amazing cook.

Have him make you
an omelet.

It's his specialty.

Good with eggs,
are you?

I'm gonna take you up
on your offer.

Any time.

Okay.

What offer?

Annie wants to learn
how to cook,

so I'm gonna show her
the basics.

Oh.
That's very kind.

You might have told me you were
coming here early.

I mean,
this is my house.

I didn't want
to disturb you.

You never liked being woken up
by surprise.

No, especially
by a strange man.

For a strange man,

I spent an awful lot of time
in your bedroom.

In another life.

In another life,

you used to love omelets.

Want me to make you one?

I gave up eggs
25 years ago.

Oh. Too bad,

'cause I'm much better
at making omelets now.

Oh, you just like
cracking the eggs.

Well, some things
you can't avoid.

I have a much more
deft touch now.

How nice for the eggs.

Fresh veggies...

Feta cheese...

Mushrooms.

Remember?

No.

No?

In the garden behind our flat
every sunday morning,

you'd read the times,
cover to cover.

Do the crossword.

Mm. While I sautéed
the veggies and the mushrooms

and the butter
and the garlic,

and then at the last moment,
I'd add the feta cheese

with just a little

dash of hot sauce.

What'd you used
to call it?

Dollop.

A dollop.

Mm, that was good.

But that was
in another life,

and you have given up eggs,
haven't you?

Shut up, Jack,
and make the bloody omelet.

Picked you up a copy
of the times.

Oh, tell me that's not...

Angelica Adams!

Hi, there!

Oh, my god.

It looks like the bloody circus
rolled into town.

That's hair, makeup,
wardrobe, p.R. Photographer.

Prudence mcintyre,
Angelica Adams.

Mm.

I am so thrilled to meet you,
miss mcintyre.

I could cry.
I'm right on the verge.

My grammy was a huge fan
of your mother's ...

and yours, of course ...
my mama still is.

She and all the gals
in her poker club

never miss your show!

They cannot believe

that I'm gonna be the co-host
on your show!

Angie Adams from sioux city!

Neither can I.

Oh, I thought mama
was gonna fall over and die

when I told her.

Of course, she smokes and drinks
way too much,

so you have to be careful as not
to excite the poor woman.

I'm...i just...

I just couldn't bear
to lose her.

Family's very important
to Angie.

Oh, my gosh!

Is that the front door?!

Yes, it is.
Every home has one.

Of course,

but this is the front door
that you go through

to start your show!

Hi! I'm prudence mcintyre.

Come in and make yourselves
at home with prudence!

Oh, my god.

We are gonna make such
a great team, miss mcintyre.

Oh!

This is unbelievable!

It truly is!

I've never seen
so many bathrooms.

I guess
nobody has to wait

for the little girls' room
around here.

No. Or the
little boys' room.

It's a regular
children's paradise.

Mama and her boyfriend,
Ernie ...

he's an Elvis
impersonator ...

live in a double-wide.

She's an animal hoarder,

with a mess of dogs
and cats

and an old parrot
that cusses all the time.

I swear that bird
makes me blush,

and I dated a bunch
of marines!

Anyway, it's crowded
in that trailer.

And the bathrooms ...
no, don't even ask.

Well, it never
entered my mind.

Well...

Our Angelica's got
quite a wardrobe here.

Those are for you
and Angelica.

Interesting.

Good.

So, Annie, why don't we show
Angie the guest cottage?

Why don't we?

You're gonna love it,
ange.

After you.

I'm sure you'll like Angelica
once you get to know her.

Oh, I don't
dislike her, Jack.

I mean, she seems perfectly
lovely in her own way.

I just resent the idea
that my show needs Angelica...

Or a bigger
socioeconomic footprint

or these silly outfits.

I mean,
you had taste once, Jack.

Do you really like
this sort of thing?

It's not my decision.

Oh, no. Of course not.

Michael's the creative half
of your partnership.

We're not partners.
I just met the kid last week.

He thinks I'm really gonna
wear this sort of thing?

Angelica is.

And Michael just wants to see
you in something comparable.

There's nothing about Angelica
and me that is comparable.

We're from
different planets.

We're from different
bloody galaxies.

Prudence, just try
some different ideas ...

wardrobe, makeup,
hairstyles ...

just see what works.

Works for whom?

For everyone, prudence.

We're all on
the same team here.

Well, I never did
like team sports.

There's always
some bloody wanker

telling everyone
what to do.

That never did work
for you, did it ...

having someone tell you
what to do?

No. Still doesn't.

Oh, my god!

Thank you!
Thank you so much, Michael!

I love them!
I love all of them!

It totally works.

Don't you love them,
miss mcintyre?

I'll talk to her.

Good idea.

You are the producer.

Um, oh.

Annie.

Uh, before I forget,
did you cancel your guests?

Yeah, of course.

It wasn't pleasant,
but I ...

it's your job.
Yeah.

Here is
the new guest list.

You booked graveyard?

Cool, huh?

But they're totally edgy.

Exactly. It'll set the mood
for the entire season.

And dick Richards,
the shock jock?

Yeah.

He loves dissing your mother
on his show.

Now he can do it ...

or try to do it ...
on her show.

Rowl! Cat fight.

That should be
interesting.

Yeah,
it's gonna be awesome.

Hey, I'm outta here.

Hey, walk me out, ange.

I want to talk to you
about a music video.

Whoo. That sounds fun.

Lots of changes, huh?

Yeah.

You want me to talk
to your mother for you?

No. No, I'll do it.
It's my job.

It's all gonna work out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is going to be
a disaster.

Your mother's gonna go ballistic
when she sees this.

The sinking of the Titanic

is gonna be a tea party
compared to this.

Meltdown of three mile island ...
no big deal.

Okay, Nigel, enough!
I get it.

Sorry. I just...

I just
what was Michael thinking about?

Himself?

Which is what
I've been doing.

What do you mean?

I told you I was
trying to keep mom

from getting kicked off
her own show.

Well, there's more.

What else can he do
to her?

No, it's what he can do
for me.

He told me that I'd be able
to write my own ticket

in his company.

I could have a career of my own,
Nigel ... a big one.

Wow,
that must be tempting.

It is.

Look, I love mom,
and I love working with her,

but I
you know...

She can be demanding,
compulsive, insensitive,

controlling ...

yeah, that's not
what I was gonna say, but...

Oh.
What were you gonna say?

That I'd want something
that's mine.

You know, not hers,
not ours ...

mine.

That's fair enough.

But I don't want
to hurt her.

What should I do?

Well, you're
prudence mcintyre's daughter.

What would she do?

The right thing?

Then that's your answer.

Yeah, but what's
the right thing?

That's a whole
nother question.

Angelica,
are you all right?

Sweetie, what's wrong?

Do you want to talk?

Do you?

Oh, no, no, no.
I couldn't, miss mcintyre.

Call me prudence.

The apple slices feel nice
on my eyes.

Well, it's the pectin
in the juice.

This "dating thing"

totally confuses me.

It always starts out so hot
and exciting and perfect.

And then something
always changes,

and it totally sucks.

I mean, I've been in this
long-term relationship

with this
really cool guy.

We met in sioux city.

It's been
like three months.

Three months
is a long-term relationship?

For me.

But the thing is,

I don't know
if I can trust him.

Does he talk to you?

Well, yeah, sure.
All the time.

But guys always do
when they want something.

With him,

it's always like,
if I do this, he'll do that.

Oh, quid pro quo.

No!

It's nothing kinky!

It's like we're always
negotiating.

And I don't want
to make a deal.

I just want to be
in love.

Is that so wrong?!

No, no, no.

Mama was right.

I should have gone into the
convent when I had the chance.

You wanted to be a nun?

Not really.

But I like that everyone
wore the same thing

so you didn't have to worry
about fashion.

There is that.

And everything's paid for.

Three hots and a cot.

Sort of like prison ...

without the bars.

Or the men.

Which was a problem.

Boy, I couldn't
give up men.

I like the way that they feel
and smell and look,

with their shirts off,

and they're washing their cars
on a Saturday morning!

I think we're gonna graduate
to raw potatoes for the eyes.

You must think
I'm a complete idiot.

We're women.

Most of US are looking
for the right guy

so we can just fall in love
and live happily ever after.

Oh, god!

I feel so much better
getting all of that out.

Good.

You're like the mother
I always wanted.

Someone I could talk to...

Without all the yelling.

You know?

Yes.

Yes, sweetie, I know.

Oh!

Oh!

How's it smelling?

Oh, amazing.

What a great recipe.

Oh, we've been off recipe
for a while.

You can do that?

Sure, why not?

We're the cooks.
We can probably make it better.

Tell you what ...
taste it...

And tell me
what it needs.

And be creative.

Mmm. Okay,
it needs more oomph.

"Oomph."

Something that just
reaches out and grabs
your tongue's attention.

Good, good.
I like it, I like it.

Passionate and strong.
Here, put some garlic in.

Garlic. Check.

And some
red pepper flakes.

Red pepper flakes.
Check.

And a little red wine.

Little dollop
of red wine.

Check.

What do you think?

Oh, yeah,
it's really good.

So, have you worked with Michael
for a long time?

No, I just met him
last week.

His father thought
we'd make a good team.

That's weird.
You guys are so different.

I mean, you're relaxed,

and he's so serious
about business.

Is he always
that driven?

Um...

You know, there's not a lot
of room in Michael's life

for anyone else
but Michael.

You know. And...

I know this is none
of my business,

so if I'm out of line ...
no, you're not.

I appreciate it.

I just don't want to see you
get hurt, Annie.

So, do you have any kids?

No.

No, I was a lot like Michael
when I was young.

Wasn't time
for anyone else.

Yeah, my dad's like that.

I mean, he's cool, but I never
really got to know him.

He's always traveling
for business somewhere.

We never did things
like this.

You missed out
on a lot.

This may be the best spaghetti
that I've ever eaten.

I've had so much that I just
might explode out of this dress!

Well, eat as much as you like.
It's good for you.

Thank you, prudence.

Mm.

This spaghetti
is really good, Annie.

You've never
made it before?

No, uh, but I had
a lot of help.

It's Jack's recipe.

Our recipe.

Omelets, spaghetti ...

maybe we should call you Julia
instead of Jack.

I've been called
worse names than that.

No doubt.

I think it's so hot
to see a guy cook.

Totally.

Do you cook, Nigel?

You look like the kind of man
who cooks.

Real sensitive and cute.

No. No.

Even TV dinners
are a mystery to me.

For years, I didn't know
you had to thaw them first.

Cute, sensitive,
and funny!

Whoo, you are
the total package.

You must have a ton of girls
after you.

Yeah.

So how'd you learn
to cook, Jack?

I fell in love with a woman

who was possibly
the worst cook in the world.

So I had to learn to cook,
otherwise I would have starved.

Cute thing was,
she thought she could cook.

You thought that was cute,
did you?
Yeah.

Cute, sweet, amusing.

'Cause she didn't have
a clue as to how bad
she was.

Well, if you were
so unhappy with her cooking,

why didn't you
say something?

Because I loved her.

And she was young
and unsure of herself

and didn't take criticism
very well.

Well, you make
this girl sound so hopeless.

I mean, what could you have
possibly seen in her?

So many things.

Well, name two.

Go on. Two.

She was brilliant...

Creative, funny,
sensitive, kind,

gracious.

That's more than two.

I couldn't just stop
at two.

All right!

That's hot!

Ow!

She sounds like
an amazing woman.

Totally.

What happened
to you two lovebirds?

Well, we were both young,
and I was stupid.

And I only wish I knew then
what I know now.

That's so sad.

Yeah, but so romantic, too.

Don't you think so, mom?

What's for dessert?

Nigel?

Shh, not so loud.
They'll hear you.

Who will hear me?

Uh...the...
Flying squirrels...

That I've been
taking pictures of.

You've been taking pictures
of flying squirrels at night?

Glaucomys sabrinus coloratus
is nocturnal.

And they actually don't fly,
they glide,

using skin that stretches

between their front
and their back legs.

They can glide
up to 100 feet.

Well, did you get
any good pictures?

Nope. None.
No pictures.

Yeah, not a squirrel
in sight.

I think
that the moisture

in the air affects
their aerodynamical...

...stuff.

Towels!

Fluffy.

Yeah.
They're for Angelica.

She's already used
every towel we have.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

You don't want to go
in there.

Why not?

Because...she's asleep.

Yeah, but it's early.
She's not sleeping.

Yeah, but she's from sioux city,
and they go to bed real early.

And she's a light sleeper.

How do you know
she's a light sleeper?

Because she asked me
for earplugs,

is how I know.

The slightest bit of noise
can wake her up,

and then she can't get back
to sleep.

And then she's cranky
in the morning,

which will make your mom cranky
in the morning,

which will only make
your job harder.

So what I'm trying to say is,
maybe we should call it a night.

Angelica's a light sleeper,
right?

I can't believe
how incredibly stupid I am.

You're not stupid.

Why didn't you
tell me, Nigel?

I thought
we were friends.

I didn't know
until tonight.

God, it is so obvious
what kind of guy Michael is.

It was.
That's why your mom

asked me to keep an eye
on you two.

She what?

I can't believe it.
You had Nigel spying on me?

Not "spy" ... "watch."
Just "watch."

With a camera?

It is so wrong.

So you.

Well, this isn't
about me, Annie.

Everything is about you.

What are you
talking about?

You try to control everything
and everybody,

including me.

I have been on my own
for years now,

leading my own life,

and, okay, making my share
of stupid mistakes,

but they're mine.
I have every right to make them.

You're treating me just like
your mother treated you.

My mother?

Do you remember
how that felt?

Vividly.
I hated it.

Swore I'd never do
the same thing.

But you do, mom.

I do?

You do!

I do, don't I?

Oh, god,
how depressing.

Oh, I'm so sorry,
sweetie.

Can you ever forgive me?

If you'll forgive me.

For what?

For not doing
the right thing.

Graveyard?!

I've never even
heard of them.

That doesn't
surprise me.

Is their music any good
at all?

If you're 16, alienated,
and totally nihilistic.

And dick Richards
on our show?

No, I know.
He's a terrible idea.

I should have said no
to everything immediately.

You were just trying
to protect me.

And promote myself.
Well, good for you,
sweetie.

I mean, if you don't look out
for yourself, no one else will.

I'm embarrassed...

And ashamed.

Me too.

We even?

Even.

Oh, I am so bloody mad.

No one's going to take our show
away from US.

Well, what can we do?

We're gonna make
our own show ...

without Michael,
without Jack ...

just the three of US.

How? They're involved
in everything.

Everything to do
with their show.

We'll shoot our show the day
before the scheduled shoot,

without them.

But mister expects to see
something new.

Oh, that plonker's
never even seen

"at home with prudence."

We'll screen our show
with Angelica somehow

and tell him
that it's brand new.

We'll start first thing
tomorrow.

Annie,
I want you to direct.

What,
you want me to direct?

Well, I can't think of anyone
else I'd rather have do the job.

But I'm producing
the show.

Nigel's
your co-producer.

He is?

Right. I mean,
you two can handle anything

that might come up,
right?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Annie, I want you to get
your guests back,

the ones that you liked.
Really?

Really. Oh, except
for Rafael rossilini.

I'm going to do
the cooking segment.

You're gonna cook?

Absolutely.

And, Nigel, I want those roaches
ready to roll.

Actually, we're gonna have to
scratch the cockroach pointer.

Why?

Because I can't find
most of them.

Lovely.

We'll use
the hula hoops instead,

and use your perfume
for the air freshener pointer.

Well, I'll take care of
hair, makeup, and wardrobe.

So do we have all our ducks
in a row?

Totally.
This is gonna be very cool.

Tour pour UN,
UN pour tous.

Nigel, what are you
talking about?

It's the motto
of the three musketeers.

All for one,
one for all.

The three musketeers ...
I love it.

All for one!

One for all.

Oh. Jack Jameson
doing the washing up.

Hmm!

Miracles do happen.

Annie made the dinner.

It's only fair
she not do the dishes.

Well, I cooked a lot
of dinners for US ...

the potentially
lethal ones?

You never once washed up.

I was hoping you'd run out
of pots and pans.

You're still a cheeky little
bugger, aren't you?

Now and then.

Oh.

You mind if I, uh,
ask you a question?

Oh, I'm not giving you
any of my recipes.

No, I saw Annie last night
around midnight.

She seemed to be upset.

What was that all about?

It's Michael, isn't it?

Right.

Michael gave Annie
the impression

that he was quite keen
on her.

I'm sure you noticed.

Well, the problem is
he's dating Angelica,

and he has been
for months.

He's been dating her
for months?

You're surprised?

No, not really.

Most girls are young,
naive, vulnerable.

I mean, he's taking advantage
of that, of them.

Obviously.

Well, maybe that's the way
business is done in your world.
No.

No, it's not.

He won't bother Annie again.
I promise you.

No, don't get involved,
Jack.

Annie and I can handle
this obnoxious git.

What Michael's doing
is unprofessional,

and it's predatory.

And he's not
gonna get away with it

while he's working
for me.

He's the boss' son.
Remember?

He doesn't work for you.

I'll get his attention.

He's a powerful man,
Jack.

You don't have
to be a hero.

It's not about
being a hero, pru.

It's about doing
the right thing.

Well, that's hard
to do sometimes.

I know.

I did a lot
of wrong things in my life

for the wrong reasons.

And now it's time
to make a change.

Well,
we all make mistakes.

I'd, uh, like to think
that we can

do things differently once
we realize they are mistakes.

Yeah, I'd like
to think that, too.

Thank you for caring
about Annie, Jamie.

No one's called me Jamie
for a long time.

I should
bloody well hope not.

It's my name for you.

I own it.

Yeah, you do.

You sure do.

Lock...stock...

...and barrel.

That...

...was another bad idea?

No, no,
that was a wonderful idea.

Possibly the best one
you had in...

25 years.

I know
it's a little confusing,

but my mother decided

she couldn't do the season
premiere without you.

You could make that work?

Oh, that's fantastic.
Thank you so much.

I'll phone you later
with the details.

Get down!

Oh, my god, Nigel.

You risked your life
to protect me.

It's not a big deal.

It's totally a big deal.

You're so heroic.

It was my fault.

And you can admit
when you make a mistake.

I thought the perfume
was the problem,

but you can't spray liquid
on a hot bulb.

You have to start
with a cold bulb.

You're an amazing man,
aren't you?

I think the coast is clear.
We can get up now.

Do we have to?

No. No,
we don't have to.

Good.

Oh, dear.
I woke you.

Ooh, that's okay.

I should be
getting up anyway.

Is Michael here?
Michael?

Why would he be here?

I think we should talk.

Do you like Earl grey?

This is so embarrassing.

I cannot believe it.

I had no idea that that creep
Michael was hitting on Annie!

I swear on a stack
of bibles!

If I had known,

I would've punched him
in the face

and dumped his butt
so fast

he wouldn't have known
what hit him.

There was a little voice
inside of me that kept saying,

"be careful, Angie Adams.
That man is a world of hurt."

But did I listen to it?

No.

I did not.

I am so dense.

Calm down.

Calm down.
Breathe in, out.

Deep breaths.

I never should have left
sioux city.

Mama warned me
about big-city people

and show business...
And bad men.

Well, she ought to know.
She's had plenty of 'em.

Oh, heavens to Betsy, prudence.
Men are so weird!

A lot of them are.

Like they only think
about one thing,

and everything else
is totally irreverent.

"Irrelevant."

That too!

Oh, I've got
to find Annie.

I've got to talk to her
and apologize

from the bottom
of my heart.

No, that's very sweet
of you, Angie,

but you didn't
do anything.

I feel so bad.

How can I make it up
to her...

And to you?

There must be something
that I can do.

Well, actually,
there is something.

Hmm.

You're way
out of line here.

And you're over the line,
and it's gonna stop.

Who the hell do you think
you're talking to, Jack?

I think I'm talking
to a selfish, arrogant punk

who thinks he can get away
with whatever he wants,

and you can't.

Why are you suddenly
the self-appointed protector

of maidens in distress?

Oh, is it maybe because you're
involved with her mother, right?

Taking advantage of Annie
and lying to Angelica

is cheap, it's sleazy,
and it's wrong.

Well, I told you
to stay out of my life.

It's not gonna happen.
No?

What are you gonna do?

For starters...
Mm-hmm?

Ohh!

You bother either one
of those women again,

and I'm seriously gonna kick
your miserable butt.

Then I'm gonna call
your daddy,

and I'm gonna tell him
what you're up to? Capice?

Yeah, and you think
he's gonna believe you

after I fire you for having
an affair with prudence?!

And fyi, Jack,

you are fired
as of right now!

So get the hell
out of here!

We're going with
the air freshener pointer?

Absolutely.

So the French perfume
solved the problem?

The perfume
wasn't the problem.

Spraying a hot bulb was.

Which Nigel discovered
while he was trying
to find a solution.

We need to start
with a cold bulb.

There was
this huge explosion.

It wasn't that big.

And then Nigel threw himself
in front of me

to protect me
when they blew up.

Oh, he did?
How sweet.

He wasn't
nearly so gallant

when the light bulbs
were exploding around me.

Why is that, Nigel?

Sorry to barge in.

I just wanted to talk to Annie
for a moment.

You want to talk to me?

Yeah. Maybe, uh, outside,
please?

It's okay.
We're all family here.

Okay. Fair enough.
Um...

I just want to apologize
for Michael.

He's young and stupid

and a...A guy, which is
a pretty lethal combination,

but he's not gonna be
bothering you anymore.

Why? What happened?

We had a little chat.

And he listened?

Yeah, I think I made
an impression.

Wow, that's very cool.

But if anything happens,
anything at all,

just call me on my cell.

On your cell?

Won't you be around?

No, I just got fired
five minutes ago.

But, you know,
what the hell?

I've got a novel I've been
wanting to finish for years.

You lost your job
because of me?

I feel terrible.

Frankly, I am thrilled
that you got sacked.

Mother!

Thanks. I'm touched.

Oh, and if you can put off
working on that novel,

I've got a job for you.

You've got a job for me.

Mm.

It'll be challenging,
creative,

have an excellent
future,

and you'll be working
with three top-rate people.

Okay. I'll bite.
What's the gig?

Executive producer
of the season premiere

of "at home
with prudence."

I just got fired
from that job.

No, you just got fired
from the merchant production.

We're making our own
version tomorrow.

Your own version.

Going to do it the way
it should be done.

No one's gonna take my show
away from me.

How are you gonna get away
with that

without Michael knowing?

Oh. We're going
to distract him.

With what?

Me.

Crew arrives at 7:00.

Guests are finished with
wardrobe and makeup by 11:00.

We'll rehearse
until lunch.

I'll start taping
at 2:00.

Nigel, you'll handle all
the prupointers with mom.

We're done by 3:15.

Mister arrives at 4:30
to see the rough cut.

Sounds like a plan.

And you'll be able to edit
the show while I'm shooting?

Absolutely, yeah.
Don't worry.

Mister bought a commercial
company last year,

and I had to learn everything
about the business,

including the editing.

So, everything I need
is in the Van.

I'll assemble the footage
as it starts to come in,

and then, um,
I'll just add the visuals

and the music and the effects
when I'm done, okay?

I'm impressed.

So am I.
You are totally organized.

I'm pretty compulsive.
I get it from my mother.

It all works.
Good luck.

Good luck, Nick.
It's Nigel.

I know. Kidding.

What a cool guy.

Very.

And he totally
likes mom, too.

You think so?

Oh, my god, Nigel.

Haven't you seen
what's going on between them?

You mean the fighting
and the snide comments?

That's just part
of the dance.

That and the eye contact,
the flirtations,

the double entendres.

Double entendres?

Yeah, all the sweet things
he was saying

about the other woman
at dinner,

he was saying
about my mother.

He was?

And she totally
got it, too.

That's why she's gonna do
the cooking segment.

I'm lost.

So she can show him
that she's even cooler

than the other woman?

Wow.
That's very...Complicated.

Nigel, you've got to learn
how men and women communicate.

I guess I just wasn't
paying attention to them.

Of course not.

You were too busy spying on me
and Michael.

I wasn't spying.
I was watching.

It must have been hard
for you.

Hard for me? Why?

Because you still have
a crush on me.

I've seen the way you look
at me, Nigel.

You do?

And you know what?

It's a total turn-on.

It is?

To have a sweet guy like you
attracted to me is awesome.

It is?

Maybe when the show's over,
you and I could...

You know, hang out.

We should?

But you have to promise me
one thing.

I do?

That you'll stop talking
in two-word questions.

"I should?" "It is?"
"We will?"

I will.

I mean,

I absolutely,
without a doubt,

will stop talking

in two-word questions...

Period,
without a question Mark.

Let's finish lighting
the dining room

and get started
on the kitchen.

I'm gonna go do a sound
and video check in the Van.

By the time
your crew's set up,

I should be ready
to rock 'n' roll.

Sounds like a plan.

What do you think
about this one?

Too much?
Too little?

I like it better
than the leather-skin tank top.

Mm.
That's my sister's.

She's an erotic dancer.
She made me pack it.

It's not you.

Oh, no way.
I'm a vegetarian.

Good point.

Oh, I think this dress
will definitely get
Michael's attention.

Besides, I don't need a sexy
dress to get a man's attention.

I'm not bragging
or anything,

but I know what works.

There's so much more to you than
meets the eye, isn't there?

A little.

But most of the time,
what you see is what you get.

Well, I...

I have cheese, fruit,

water,
and two bottles of champagne.

Ooh, two bottles
of bubbly.

Just in case
you need it.

Check.

And keep this on
and nearby.

Annie will let you know
when she's coming down.

I love this!

It's like we're in a James Bond
movie or something.

The three musketeers.

No, no.
Make that the four musketeers.

Me, Annie, Nigel,
and you.

Me?

You.

This is so cool!

I used to watch reruns
of that show all the time.

What show?

"The mouseketeers."

Annette was my favorite.

Hey, pru!

Pru.

Annie's almost done
with the camera blocking.

You want to check it out?
No.

She's the director
and the producer.

If she's happy,
I'm happy.

She's doing
an incredible job.

A very detailed
shot list.

Oh, well,
I'm not surprised.

She said she's compulsive
just like you.

She called me compulsive?

In a nice way.

Oh, well, then...

It's Michael.
He can't see you here.

Oh, that was close.

Very.

Maybe we should go inside
so he doesn't see US.

Unh-unh.

Not till we're sure
the coast is clear.

When will we be sure?

It's hard to say.

Look at you.

You are late.

I got stuck
talking with prudence.

God, what a motor mouth.

I know.

She's always like,
"blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

But she never
says anything.

Unlike you.

Everything you say
means something.

You're a naughty boy.

I know what that means.

You're brilliant.

Shall we?

Absolutely.

Let me take that
for you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

The rat has taken
the cheese.

The rat has taken
the cheese.

The rat? The cheese?

What are you
talking about, Nigel?

Michael and Angelica are leaving
the guest house.

Check.
Keep me posted.

In English.

Copy that. 10-4.

We're rolling!

"At home with prudence,"
scene one, take one,

marker.

And...action!

Hello.
I'm prudence mcintyre,

and I am thrilled to welcome you
to the season prem...

no, no, cut! Cut!

What's wrong?
Well, let's see.

You opened up the door
a beat too early,

you missed your Mark,

and the line is,
"I am prudence mcintyre,

and I am delighted
to welcome you to our home."

"Thrilled," "delighted" ...
I mean, it says the same thing.

Can we just stick
to the script, please?

Right you are.

Good.

Let's try it again.

Rolling!

"At home with prudence,"
scene one, take two,

marker.

And...action!

Hello.

I'm prudence mcintyre,

and I am delighted
to welcome you

to the season premiere
of "at home with prudence."

Where are we going
on this damn picnic ... Alaska?

Someplace cozy
and private.

I don't want to see anyone
but you for hours.

Well, how about
a sneak preview?

Oh, I would,

but once I get started
I won't be able to stop.

And here's a simple way
to create an air freshener

anywhere in your house
that has a light bulb.

Start with a cold bulb,

not a hot one.

Spray your favorite perfume
on the cold bulb...

Then turn it on.

The heat from the bulb

will slowly vaporize the perfume

and...voilà!

A subtle and delightful scent
fills the air.

And...cut!

Ah, "citizen Kane"
was interesting,

but come on ...
it was an hour too long,

the plot had holes big enough
to push welles through,

And the rosebud
thing was so pathetic.

I mean, a snow sled.
Do I care?

Mm.

You're so smart.

How do you know so much?

I got a mind
like a steel trap.

I never forget a thing.

Come here.
Ooh.

Give me a little kiss.
Not so fast, lover boy.

We've got
the whole afternoon.

Here, have another.
Oh.

And here's something you can do
with those hula hoops

you've got stuck in the back
of the garage ...

turn them into water heaters
for your pool.

The black plastic will capture
and transmit

most of the sun's incoming
radiation into the water.

"At home with prudence,"
scene four, take two,

marker.

Action.

Now, generations of cooks

have made their own
personal contributions

to our family stew.

Um, a pinch of this,

a dash of that...

A dollop of wine...

Or two.

Mmm.

...beautiful fresh flowers
in their home,

but they can be
very expensive.

Very,
and they eventually die.

Which is why I love
permanent botanicals.

Because they're a beautiful
and affordable alternative.

Absolutely,
and with the amazing

new materials now,
they are so realistic.

Really!

That's amazing.

Ohh, sweetheart.
Mm.

You're gonna get burned.

I best slather some sunscreen
on you.

Slather away, ange.

Thanks for joining me
and my guests,

Matt wood
and Dr. Nancy knowland,

for the season premiere
of "at home with prudence."

And a special thank you
to Annie mcintyre,

Nigel Forsythe,
and Jack Jameson,

for making this
such a terrific show.

I couldn't have done it
without them.

Bye, now.

And cut!

And that's a wrap.

Just want to thank everyone
for doing such a great job.

I couldn't have done it
without you.

I hope I didn't make too much
of a fool of myself.

You were first-rate,
sweetie.

You're not just saying that
because I'm your daughter?

I'm saying that because you're
a spanking good director

and producer...

And because
you're my daughter

and I'm really proud
of you.

Oh, my god.

That must be mister.

Wait,
he's way too early.

I'll chat up
the old daftie.

You go check and see how
Jack's doing with the edit.

Okay.

Damn traffic!

It's worse than it is
on the Jersey turnpike.

People drive like
they're brain-dead out there.

I mean, what is the point
of a car?

Road is like
a parking lot.

I could have
walked here faster.

Well, it's a pity
you didn't.

We'd have had more time
to listen to you gob off

and bore US
all to tears.

And who are you,
exactly?

Prudence mcintyre, exactly.
And you?

Mister.

Mister who?

Just "mister."

I own you.

Oh, the last man
that said that to me

disowned two
of his teeth.

Hmm...

A woman with backbone.

I like that.

I find absolutely nothing
to like about you.

Michael didn't tell me you had
such a good sense of humor.

Well, he hasn't been around
enough to notice.

Hmm, too busy being
executive producer?

Too busy being Michael.

The lad has the attention span
of a sand flea in heat.

Can't a rich old clot
like you

do something
about your dandruff?

I've had that problem
my whole life.
Oh.

Nickname was "frosty"
when I was a child,

like in "snowman."

I spent a fortune
trying to find a cure.

Nothing seems to work.

Hmm. Scalp's dry.
Ph balance is off.

I know that, damn it.

I spent millions on the best
dermatologists in the world

to tell me the very same thing
you just told me.

What they can't
tell me is,

how to fix it.

I can.

You can. How?

Rinse your hair
with apple vinegar

before and after
you shampoo.

Apple vinegar.

90 cents a bottle.

Think you can afford that?

Yes.
I think so.

I own
a supermarket chain.

Perhaps even two.

I don't know.
I lose track.

To tell you
the god's honest truth,

all this business crap,
it bores me.

You know what?
You need to have some fun.

What kind of fun
are you talking about?

Not the kind you're thinking
about, you Randy old goat.

No, you need to see
my new show.

Mm.

And you're going
to love it...

Or I'm a dead woman.

Come.

Spray your favorite perfume
on the cold bulb...

Then turn it on.

The heat from the bulb will
slowly vaporize the perfume

and voilà!

Now, cut a large circle

from a black
plastic garbage bag,

attach it to the hoop,

and toss it in the pool.

The black plastic

will capture most of the sun's
incoming radiation...

Now, generations of cooks

have made their own
personal contributions

to our family stew ...

a pinch of this,

a dash of that,

a dollop of wine...

Or two.

Oh, and there's something

I really want our viewers
to know about.

If they get dusty or dirty,
how do you keep them clean?

As easy as this.

Really? Wow.

Thanks for joining me
and my guests,

Matt wood
and Dr. Nancy knowland,

for the season premiere
of "at home with prudence."

Bye, now.

That's exactly
what I want.

It's new, it's fresh,
it's different,

and it's sexy.

What happened
to the weather girl?

Angelica?

Poor dove.

She had such stage fright,
she went completely mute.

We had to cut around her,
but I can show you the footage.

No, no, no.
That's all right.

You're the damn show.

It's called "at home
with prudence," isn't it?

Right. Yes.
But it was a total team effort.

Nigel, Annie, and I ...
we're like family,

but Jack fit right in.

And he's brilliant
at what he does,

and he made it all
look so effortless.

Yeah, well,
at least he does something,

unlike the sand flea
in heat.

The sand flea?

In heat?

Michael.

Well, you know, he's just
a boy mucking about,

trying to find his way.

He will, one hopes.

But, uh, for right now,

he's a bit of a fish
out of water, isn't he?

He's a fish
up the creek,

without a paddle.

Mm.

No more business.

Let's have
some champagne

and celebrate.

That's the best news
I've heard all day.

The sun, fresh air ...

it'll be perfect
for your dandruff.

You know a lot, don't you?

I do.

That's why you pay me
so much money.

You know,
if I was younger, i'd...

Oh, you still wouldn't
stand a chance.

Angelica.

Angelica.

Angelica.

I'm here.
I'm here.

How's the weather
over there?

He's out like a light.

Stand by for action.

I'm sitting.
Is that okay?

Sitting is fine.

There's
a certain kind of wisdom

that comes
from real life.

Not the sort of thing
you can teach people in school.

Well, take Michael,
for example.

I must have spent
100 grand

on sending him
through business school.

And he doesn't have a damn clue
as to what he's doing.

Uh, he knows
exactly what he's doing,

and it's nothing to do
with your business.

What does it have to do with?

Monkey business.

Angie, they're almost there.

Get set.
In 3, 2, 1...

Action!

Wake up, stupid,
and kiss me!

What...

What the hell
is going on?!

Mister merchant!

I mean, "mister."

How scintillating
to see you.

Go away.

I'm in a meeting.

Boy. Well...

Congratulations,
prudence.

I'm sure your show's
going to be a huge success.

Just like it has been
for years.

I assume you're going to keep
the whole team together,

including Jack.

Oh, I wouldn't change
a thing.

What about
the sand flea?

Oh. He is gonna wake up
in Maine.

What's in Maine?

Nothing that
interests him.

I own a TV station
up there,

so I think a couple years
in the boonies

will do him some good.

And Angelica?

Sioux city.

Prudence...

If you're ever
in New York,

I would really love
to show you the town.

I've already seen it,

but that's a very sweet offer,
mister.

Okay. No New York.

But will you do me
one favor?

Probably not,
but you might as well ask.

I hate
being called mister...

By the handful of people
I actually like.

Call me morty.

Morty.

I think
this could be the start

of a very special
friendship.

Take care of that hair.

Apple vinegar.

Mm-hmm.

You're packing?

Mister's sending me back
to sioux city.

To do the weather?

No.

I didn't really like
being on camera anyway.

I always felt like
I had to be someone...

Different.

Oh-hoo.

You know?

Well, what are you
going to do?

I don't know.

I used to work
at the dairy queen.

So maybe I could...

Ghastly idea.

You're smart, creative ...

you'd go bonkers making
chocolate fudge sundaes

and banana splits.

That's what happened
the first time I worked there.

I almost got arrested.

I've got an idea.

Annie's producing
and directing my show.

She's gonna need
an assistant.

And we both think
you'd be perfect.

Me?
Working on your show?

Me?

I mean, it'd be hard work,
24/7.

And not glamorous.

But decent pay,
three hots and a guest quarters.

Are you interested?

Oh, my gosh!

I take it that's a yes.

Yes!

I'm proud of US, Jamie.

Oh, yeah, why?

'Cause we managed to get
through all this

without ripping
each other's eyes out.

Well, maybe some things
have changed, huh?

One can only hope.

I walked out on you
25 years ago, prudence...

And I never said
I was sorry

for not being the man
that you needed...

Or deserved.

I am so sorry
that I wasn't that man.

And I have been every day
since I left.

I am too.

I can be that man,
prudence.

I'd like a chance
to show you who I am now.

I want you to know
who I am, too.

Everything's
on the table?

No secrets.

You're lucky, pru.
Annie's an amazing woman.

She certainly is.

She's so much
like her mother.

Well, that's sweet,
but I can't take all the credit.

She's a lot like
her father, too.

Oh, yeah?
Is he a good guy?

Well, he has his faults ...
we all do ...

but he's a fine man.

Yeah, she mentioned him,
but she didn't say much.

Uh, what's he do
for a living?

He was a writer,
but he got off track years ago.

Yeah,
I know that feeling.

He's been a soap salesman
for some time now.

I'm just hoping
that he'll finish

that novel he started
25 years ago.

Are you saying
what I think you're saying?

Thank god.

For one second, I thought you'd
gotten too dense to understand.

Wow.

Wow, I can't believe it.

Believe it.
It's true.

Why didn't you
ever tell me?

A week after you left me,
I found out I was pregnant.

Tracking you down
and saying "surprise"

didn't seem like
a good idea.

I wish you had.

Well, looking back,
I wish I had, too, but...

You'd stolen my heart,

and I wasn't about to let you
have any part of my baby.

I owe you an apology,
Jack.

What I did was mean
and selfish.

No. I deserved it.

I ran out on you,

and I probably would have run
even faster

if I knew
you were pregnant.

Mother went ballistic
when she found out.

Convinced me I had
to have a husband.

Did he know
you were pregnant?

Oh, yes, of course.

I've known Howard
since I was 6 years old.

Mother adored him,
and he loved me.

Did you love him?

Of course not.

I loved you.

And you never told Annie?

I didn't want to tell her

about a father
she might never see

or who might never want
to see her.

And we all would have been
much better off

if you and Annie had known
about each other.

So why are you
telling me now?

Because you're ready to be
a father now, Jamie.

And Annie really needs a father
in her life right now.

I don't know what to say.

You're a writer.
You'll think of something.

Annie!

Sweetie, come here.

There's something I need
to tell you.

Something...

We need to tell you.