Pepo Pal Senado (2016) - full transcript

[Music]

[Film projector]

[Birds chirping]

[Alarm clock, music]

[RADIO HOST:] Good morning, fellas!

Up and at 'em!
It’s nine o’clock in the morning,

and whosoever’s still in bed,
well, they’re fired!

Imagine that. At this time of day!

Today’s topic is… unemployment!

The very same which
is sweeping the nation!

Call right now!



Because that’s today’s
pain in the ass.

No job? No money.

Who am I speaking with?

[CALLER:] Mornin’!
Are you talkin’ to me!?

>> Yeah, you! Tell us your name
and where you’re from.

>> Are you talkin’ to me!?

>> Yeah, yeah you! I said who is it?!

>> It’s Jiménez, from Levittown!

And I think unemployment’s
nothing but those lazy…

Those lazy bums,
who sleep in late, or…

Or who stay up drinkin’ late,
or smokin’ marimba,

and then stay up watching that… that…

Yuca-Channel, till
three in the mornin’!

Those lazy bums aren’t worth squat.



>> They aren’t worth whaaat?

>> They Ain’t. Worth. Shit!

>> They aren’t worth whaaat?

>> They Ain’t. Worth. Shit!

[PEPO:] Aaahh!

>> They aren’t worth whaaat?

>> They Ain’t. Worth. Shit!

>> They aren’t worth whaaat?

>> They Ain’t. Worth. Shit!

>> They aren’t worth what?
Oh, god damn it…

>> They Ain’t. Worth. Shi- OH FUCK!

[PUKI:] What was that?!

[Pee tinkling]

Open up, open up. Aaah.

Come on…

God damn it, you’re heavy…

Honey. Honey, wake up.

[PEPO:] Good morning!

[PUKI:] Good morning.

>> How are you, love? What happened?

Was I out cold again?

It’s just, you know,
I’m terribly sleepy.

>> Yeah well, while royalty
doesn’t need to work, you do.

>> Oh, don’t worry,
I work right over now!

>> Right over? Pfft. On car maybe,
but you know they took it yesterday.

>> Who took it?! Thieves!?

>> No, the bank.

>> And what does the bank
want my car for?

>> Well you didn’t make your payments
for three whole months!

>> And that’s why they took it?

I’ve gone eight months without paying
for it, and they never took it away!

It’s those damn computers!
The whole system has been de-humanized.

They dunno who they’re messing with!
I am a Puerto Rican worker!

I earn my bread by the sweat of my brow,
and I will not give up!

I’m staying here, and sticking it
through this crisis!

>> Honey, I know the speech,
but I have to go!

And you better too, or otherwise,
Don Johnny won’t forgive you.

Look, look, don’t you-
You even sound like a politician,

what with your promises,
your speeches,

and even the jokes
not even you fall for!

Oh god, I love you!
What am I to do?! Mwah!

>> Wait, wait! Don’t go.
Come on, let’s have a quickie.

>> No, Pepo, loo-

>> Do you know what we could use
for lube? Hmm?

>> Look, stop messing around!
Get on with it!

Or Don Johnny’s gonna
give you the boot!

>> I love you.

>> Put away the bacon!

[Whistling]

[Suspenseful music, garbage disposal]

Well, would you fucking look at that!

[Classical music on TV]

[Channel Switch, cheers and applause]

[PEPO jeering]

[PEPO:] My Puerto Rican
brothers and sisters!

[TV POLITICIAN:] My Puerto Rican
brothers and sisters!

[PEPO & POLITICIAN:] You know I’ve
always had an infatuation

with public service!

My mother was a teacher!
My father, a humble garbage-man.

And I, with my high school diploma
earned by the skin of my teeth,

I ask you to trust in me!

[Music swells]

And together, you and I!

We are going to
pull this country straight,

and take it to new heights!

Away from this twisted path,
that I have inherited.

[PEPO:] Because of course,
they inherit everything.

[PEPO & POLITICIAN:] And in my first
hundred days as Governor,

I promise to you, and you, and you!

I promise you, to resolve the issue
of political status!

And to create a
hundred-thousand new jobs!

[PEPO:] They also inherited
their guilefulness.

Damn, you know what?
My wife may be right.

I do have a bit of a political flair.

[Twinkle]

[Upbeat Salsa tune]

[ANITA:] Ooh baby, what’s that
game you’re playin’? RRRR.

[PEPO:] Yes, well, there’s game but
it’s married game, not fair game.

>> Still just fun and games!

>> Look, excuse me. Excuse me, miss!

[CLETO:] Ana! Anaaa!

>> What is it now, Cleto!?

>> Pass me the uh, wrench
that’s right there!

>> Nu-uh! Don’t get funny with me now.
You know I just got my nails done.

Oh, but here’s a Good Samaritan.

>> Say whaaat?!

[Playful music]

[Clattering]

[Screaming, dog whimpers]

>> I’m so sorry!

>> AH AH AHH

>> It’s alright! It’s alright!
Don’t worry!

Fuck, what a mess.

WHOA!
No, don’t.

[Sad trumpets, drums]

[Upbeat tune]

[COWORKER:] Playing hooky again,
were ya?

[PEPO:] No hooky.
hooky This is union privileges.

The workers, united,
will never be defeated.

>> It’s people like you,
who give a bad wrap

to those of us who are responsible
and do our jobs.

>> Damn, is it just me or
does it stink like pig in here?

[DON JOHNNY:] So you say
it smells like pig, does it?

>> Before you say anything,
I’m warning you

I’m headed to the Work Department,

and I’m filing a claim against you
for sexual harassment.

>> Looky here, Pepo González, look.

>> Uh-huh?

>> It’s already the third time
time this week you get here late,

and you left me hanging
another two, man.

>> Forgive me, Don Johnny. It’s just
that those times I came in late,

It’s not… It’s not that I came in late,
It’s that you got here too early.

As a matter of fact, just this morning,

I was telling my wife,
just what a great boss you are.

"That Don Johnny’s such a great boss
for us workers!

So empathetic with us in times of need!"

>> You know what?
You’re fired.

>> Am not.

[Sad jazz tune]

[Shady tune]

[TATO:] Yo!

One month! I said one month is all Pepo
was gonna last at that job, right?

One month!

I’m the one with the closest bet,
so pay up.

Take a little chocolate,
pay up what you owe me.

You’re gambling men, aren’t ya?

[Unintelligible chattering]

[PEPO:] Joaco, serve me
a little Medalla, why don’t you?

[JOACO:] Don’t act like I’m stupid,
Pepo.

Your buddy here already told me
to watch your bill, OK?

>> But, what’s the matter?

See, I already knew that
these charlatans had made bets on

how long I’d last at that job,
so I’m paying you up front.

But this money, which was
born out of unlawfulness,

will be legalized, by us turning it
into a mutual aid fund.

One round for everybody!

[Cheers]

[Dignified music]

(To a Family Man, A Good Christian:
Senator Antonio Peña Cotto)
[Shady music]

[PEÑA COTTO:] Mamita, just wait
until you see what I bought you.

Yeah yeah yeah, it has a certain

je ne sais quoi of… Kama-sutra.
I know you’ll like it.

Well you know, what? I want you
to put on those big red heels.

Yeah, yeah, those are the ones. Mm-hmm.

[Clothes rustling]

Yeah, yeah, the pumps.

No, ’s so when I come in,
I get to play with you.

Kisses; bye.

[RECEPTIONIST:] Senator,
your wife is on hold.

>> Can you tell her that
I’m in a hearing?

Yeah? And tell her that tonight,

I’ll stay in San Juan because
I have a… vigil to attend.

[Rising music]

[ESTELA:] What’s this about me
having a supervisor?!

>> Calm down now, and let me explain.

>> No no no no. Thing is, you don’t
have to explain anything to me.

You have to fire that girl,
is what you have to do!

What’s more, even if
you don’t want to fire her,

you’re gonna make her go put up posters,

But you leave me at my desk,
with my people and my salary!

>> Estela, I don’t want to be cruel,

but the one who calls the shots
in this office? It’s me.

>> She’s getting payed
twice the money I am.

>> You don’t know her.
Wait until you see her.

And you will see,
that she works well here.

>> Thing is, I read her resumé!

This is it! I read it!
And you know what!?

She has one year’s experience,
at a third-rate agency, and

furthermore her job there was
"in charge of communication flow."

Do you know what she did?!

Deliver coffee!

Who is going to write you
your press releases?

>> You!

>> She’s just here to show face!

>> And you’re paying her six-thousand
dollars a month, to show face?!

>> She’s a real good girl.

Rosita, please tell Jennifer
to come by my office.

[Drumroll]

[JENNIFER:] Hi. What am I good for?

Ooh! Dropped my pencil.

[Drumroll]

For shame!

For shame and for ogling when she
turns around and shows you her bottom,

so she can that big SALARY
you’re going to give her, real good.

Because let me tell you something.
Nobody wins an election by showing ass.

I’m leaving.

Excuse me.

[TATO:] What’s wrong, Pepo? Hmm?

Don’t tell me you’re worried about that
lame ass job you got fired from.

[PEPO:] No, I’m worried about Puki.

When she finds out what happened…

She’ll ditch me for sure.

>> Just stay calm, Pepo,

'Cause I’ve got a feeling
something GREAT is gonna happen!

[ESTELA:] Get me a shot of rum.

Actually, give me that
whole bottle as-is.

[JOACO:] So early, Estela?!
Let me guess… going on vacation, eh?

Or better yet, it’s your birthday…
you won the lotto… or let’s see…

Did someone die?

>> My boss!

Who thinks he became Senator
all by himself.

>> Ha! And knowing
what a nice guy he is…

>> Peña Cotto, who no one even knew,
because when I met him,

he was one of these small time lawyers,
who notarized and wrote affidavits.

He calls me one day,
and asks me to be his advisor,

because he wants to run
for Representative.

And I tell him OK, alright.
There’s no problem with that.

I’ll run your campaign.

But you have to promise me,
that if you win,

you are going to give me a post in
your office, with the salary I want.

Then he runs for Representative,
and becomes a Representative.

He runs for Senate, and then
becomes Senator!

I made. him. win. his seat.

Despite his ineptitude,
he won his Senate seat.

And now that-

>> Shh, shh shh shh shh shh.

>> What?

(No talking politics,
No talking dirty.)

That imbecile!

He gave me a supervisor,
who doesn’t even know how to speak.

But you know what? I’m gonna
get even, and show him

who’s really winning these elections!

[Action music]

[PEPO:] When they realize,
I am gonna die!

CHOIR: When they realize,
you are gonna die!

[ESTELA:] I’m looking for a
real special guy!

Who’ll be a challenge
to make win a fight.

Who’ll be a challenge
to make win a fight!

I’m a good worker,
I just want a try!

CHOIR: But he gets tired,
and then can’t comply.

>> I want him lazy.

CHOIR: There are!

>> I want him ugly.

>> There are!

>> I want him dopey!

>> There are!

>> I want him clumsy!

>> There are! There are!
There are, there are,
there are, there are!

>> I want an easy-going new job,

That pays me well and is
naught but a fob,

One that makes use of this
handsome mug of mine.

I want a job worthy of
a mensch such as I!

>> I want offenders.

CHOIR: There are!

>> A bad contender.

>> There are!

>> Who when he wins,
people will be asking…

Who even managed to make that man win?

’Tis but I, queen of the media spin!

>> I want a job,
and I wanna clock in!

>> I’ll find that crook,
who’s a sure lock-in!

>> Worthy of a mensch such as I!

>> I will make him… I will make him…

Senator!

[ESTELA:] Who are you?!

[PEPO:] Pepo González.

Uh, but could you, uh, let my face go?
And, uh, step back a little.

You’re giving me a shot and a half
just off your breath.

>> OK, , listen to me, Pepo González,
you and I… We need to talk business.

[TATO:] Wait a moment! Just a moment.
He’s a married man.

Moreover, if he was in the bar area,
he’s under my jurisdiction.

>> Sorry, what… what game's
this guy playing at?

>> Oh, no, he doesn’t play games.
He plays the conga.

[Conga drums]

He’s my- my- my legal council and
authorized book-keeper.

>> Ah, well now, p- p- perfect,
you know why?

Because you and I need to talk bidness,
so follow me.

>> Wait! WAIT! If it’s about money,

He even owes me the
beer he’s drinking, so hol’ up!

[ESTELA:] What do you know
about politics, eh?

[PEPO:] Me?

>> Yeah, you.

>> Tsk. Well, I’m a Boricua.

[TATO:] "Pa’ que tú lo sepas"!

PEPO & [TATO:] "Yo soy Boricua,
¡pa’ que tú lo sepas!"

"Yo soy Boricua, ¡pa’ que tú lo sepas!"

>> We’re Puerto Ricans, we suck on
politics 365 days a year!

My wife always tells me I’d
make a good politician.

'Cause I talk lots of shit.

>> Yeah yeah yeah, that’s right!

>> Alright, but for this job
I’m offering you,

you don’t need to know anything.

The only thing you need to make sure of
is, you have to win your campaign.

Now, the salary you’d win is
what’s really worth it, because

you’ll be earning over
a hundred-thousand dollars a year.

>> ¡Puñeta!

>> And you’ll have a personal driver,
and you’ll travel wherever you want!

>> And he can come too?!

We’re going to Disney!

>> The important thing is,
you’ll have it made!

And I’ll be able to get my revenge.

OK, imagine this, think, look look,
visualize it, look at it this way…

Pepo… for Senate!

Huh? Huh?! Even better,
stand up on your seat.

I’m- I’m seeing it now…
stand up on your chair!

Pepo… Pepo! Guardian of the helpless!
Pepo, God of the masses!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Hear this…

Pepo, the Second coming of Christ!

Pepo for Senate!

Pepo! Pepo! Pepo!
Pepo! Pepo! Pepo!

And the crowd goes wild! "WHOA! WHOA!"

Pepo! Pepo! Pe-

>> Look, can we settle down, and
could you not get so close?

'Cause you know I’m married and
my wife gets jealous. Thanks.

[CLETO:] Tell me who that man was!
I didn’t get a good look at him!

But I’ll find him!

[ANITA:] Just get over it already,
Cleto! Leave me be!

I can’t take it anymore
with your damn jealousy!

[PEPO:] With what money?
Have you got money?

[ESTELA:] What? But I haven’t
done anything wrong?

[Upbeat music]

[ESTELA:] Simply follow my lead
and listen to what I have to say.

You have to do everything I say,
because if I promise you,

and I will, turn you into the new
messiah, that’s the way it’s gonna be.

Now, the only thing we’re missing
is a stroke of luck.

[Car accelerating]

[Car brakes]

[Crash]

[TATO:] AH!

[PEPO:] Ayeeh -yee -yee -YEOUCH!

Ayee… ahh…

[Angelic singing]

>> Cry.

>> Huh?!

>> Cry! Start crying now, Tato!

>> Oh! OHH! Ohh, oh, oh no!

Oh, why did you have to take him, Lord!
This boy was such a good boy!

>> Did you just call me lude, Tato?

>> No, I called you good.

>> Just shut up, both of you!

>> Why would I call you dude, man?

>> Call a lawyer!
Call a lawyer now and shut up!

>> Look, lady, I’m the lawyer here!

>> For fuck’s sake…
YES, Yes! You called?! You called?

You two called me, right.
Moan. Moan from pain!

>> AHHHHHHHH!

[RAMIREZ DEL PRADO:] Madam Esquire!
This… We can work this out politely.

>> Call!
Call my family!

Call my children!
I want to see them before I die.

See, I don’t have kids,
but it makes it more dramatic.

OHH! OW OW OW OW OWW.
Call up the gossip shows!

NO! No, call El Manco,
so he’ll write my testament!

NO! No, call the police,
because that man…

He ran me over because
he was making out.

And, and that’s illegal. AHHHHHHH!

>> OK, Tato, take this. Take a photo.
That’s Ramirez Del Prado.

Take a photo, for fuck’s sake!
And keep moaning!

[iPhone Camera Clicks]

>> Give me that little camera,
why don’t you?

>> Nuh-uh! Mmm-mm.

>> No… we’re not giving you the camera.

And I’m sad to say,
that if you wish to

speak to my clients,
it will have to be through me.

>> Look, I’m a client now too!

>> Don’t pay attention to him.
He’s drunk.

>> He’s gotta be the drunk one

if he’s fooling around
with a transvestite.

>> Uh… But how did you- How did you
know she was, he was… not she?

[DATE:] How did you know, stupid?

>> You! Get back in the car!
I don’t want show up w-

Ma’am, we are going to keep things
here between us, alright?

I can’t spend all day here
in the middle of the road.

[Pepo continues groaning]

[ESTELA:] That’s fine. Tomorrow,
we’ll be calling you at nine A.M.

>> OK, Nine in the morning, A.M.,
we’ll be ready for you. Let’s go!

[Funky tropical beat]

>> OK, that’s enough.

We’ve got a campaign fund!

[CLETO:] Hey now!

What were you doing back there?

[ANITA:] Uh- uh- uh… nothing, Cleto.

The thing is, Tony was walking by,
and I asked him if…

He could help me
with the bathroom plumbing!

Because it’s broke again!

>> But, Tony-

Didn’t I tell you, clearly,
that I was going to fix that?!

[TONY:] S- s- sir, not to worry.
Not to worry!

Thing is I was walking by,
and you weren’t here,

Anita saw me, told me the sink
was leaking, and…

So I went in and looked, then said
"Mm-mmm! That is terribly broke."

So I tried to pull it out
with this wrench, but look!

It won’t close! It won’t close.

>> Oh, Tony, that’s to
remove the filter!

>> You mean the car’s?

>> But of course!

>> No wonder!

>> Hey, you smell like girly to me!

>> How even?

>> Yeah…

>> Oh yeah, oh yeah! Thing is, Anita,
I hit the medicine cabinet on accident.

And a bit of perfume fell on me,
and some of your make up too. Look!

>> And that’s why…

>> I’ll have to tell my wife
I got into a fight with a clown,

and no way she’ll believe that!

>> Don’t you worry. I’ll give her a
call and explain EVERYTHING. OK?

Go on, no worries.

>> At your service!

>> May God be with you!

>> Thank you, Tony!

>> Tony’s such a great friend, huh?

>> Yeah…

[PEPO:] Hi…

[PUKI:] Oh no…

>> What?

>> Don’t tell me that you got fired
from your new job.

>> Don’t be ridiculous! How DARE you
say something like that! No, honey, no…

It’s- I was just on my lunch break
and walking by, and well,

I wanted to see you, because I…
think about you, and I long for you.

I crave you.

>> OK, look. Don’t you lie to me,
because I see right through you,

So tell me the truth.
What happened?

>> OK, I’ll tell you the truth.

>> Hmm?

>> The truth!

>> I hope so.

>> They didn’t fire me, I quit.

For the first time in my life!
I’m sick of it!

I’m sick of this… colonialism!
I’m sick of talk of statehood!

I’m sick of Old Miss Myriam!

I’m sick of the- the- the VAT! The GRT!
Oh, hi, Miss T., how are you?

And I’m real sick of this: the fact that
this country is so fucked.

The toll-roads, that
raise their fares every year.

Toll-roads, that I have to use,
when I haven’t even got a car!

And they still raised them on me!

And this country is so- so- so-
that, well…

That I’ve decided to run for-

>> Run for what?!

>> For… for Senator.

CLIENT: OW!

>> WHAT?!

>> It’s alright. It’s alright.

Listen, Puki, listen to me! Wait!

>> No no no no no…

>> Look, look, look how easy this is…

This morning, what happened?

When we got up, I was sitting
eating my breakfast

and you said that I
have a political flair.

>> Oh, Pepo…

>> Why?! Because I was talking
a load of crap,
But with great confidence!

That’s right, isn’t it?
Well, now I’m not talking crap!

And then this woman shows up,
who fell from heaven!

And she’s a- she’s
an expert on politics,

and she told me I could be
the Second coming of Christ!

[Angelic singing]

>> Oh yeah?! And who came first?

[Hair-dryer, circus music]

>> This lady… She came…
we went to the plaza…

and everyone began dancing…

After that there was a car, and WHAM!
Oh, but I got back up fine…

And what the fuck? It was a man!

>> I’m not understanding
absolutely anything!

This woman came, and told you
she’d make you a Senator?

>> Yup.

>> So then-

A car ran you over? A camera?
A big shot?!

And now your campaign’s all set?!
I don’t know…

>> Well, no, and that’s why we’re
meeting up tomorrow,

to talk about the campaign.

>> But tomorrow’s our dinner
at Momma’s house!

>> Don’t worry. I invited them there,

and there’s where we’ll meet
to discuss matters.

>> You’re going to take these people
to Momma’s house?!

No, OK, forgive me, but that doesn’t
sound like a good idea to me, Pepo!

You know how Dad is!

If he gets on that same rant
like always… HA! Who can stand it?

>> If he starts ranting,
I’ll bring on the sermon!

And the moonshine too.

>> You have a death wish
and you don’t even know it.

Leave that to me!

[Hip-hop track]

[Phone ringing]

[RAMIREZ:] Lay it on me.

[RECEPTIONIST:] You have a call
from Santurce.

They didn’t leave a name.

>> Right, pass them through
the private line, and

I don’t want to be
interrupted by ANYBODY.

I’m listening. How much money
are we talking about!?

[ESTELA:] We don’t discuss this
over the phone.

Get to Central Park, and there
you’ll know what you need to do,

in order for the whole world to not…
catch wind of what you want under wraps.

>> OK, see? But I have some stuff, that
I need to know beforehand.

>> Just consider how simple,

and much much cheaper,
this arrangement will be,

And how then you’ll go
on your merry way.

– at THREE.

[RAMIREZ:] You’re real stealthy,
aren’t ya?

Don’t I know you from somewhere… ?

[ESTELA:] Yeah, that’s right.

You’ve seen me several times
back at Peña Cotto’s office.

>> Oh

>> Back when you used to meet
for your little tricks

>> But don’t worry, I’m
not here to talk about

the messes you two have made.

>> Uh… nuh-nuh-nuh. That Peña Cotto’s
not getting a single cent more

than what I’m already giving him!

>> That’s fine! I don’t work
for Peña Cotto anymore.

I’m working for a new candidate now.

As a matter of fact, the very same
who you ran over,

while playing footsies-

>> SHH SHH SHH!

Keep your voice down, you lunatic…

And what is it that you want?

>> All I’m asking for
is a little financing,

and full support,

for my new candidate, Pepo González.

>> But that’s a lot of money.

>> Mm-hmm.

Well, I mean, you do the math.
Add, subtract, and see.

How much is your reputation worth?

Then we’ll talk.

[Music]

[DON FRUTO:] Yeah! Yeah…
that’s it, girl…

RIGHT there!

Only YOU know how to drain
Don Fruto’s little birdie!

[DOÑA LIDI:] Oh, Frutelio,
your sleeve is stuck! I can’t find it!

>> Woman, just keep at it!
It’s gotta be around there somewhere.

Oh! Ooh ooh ooh! You’re hot!
You’re hot, hot, hot!

[PUKI:] Mom, what is this!?

>> Huh?

Oh, hi there, sweetie.

>> What?

>> Yeah, no, see, the thing is,
your dad’s fly, got stuck, again.

And well, I’m helping him.

TOGETHER: Ahh… hahah.

[PUKI:] It’s just…

[DOÑA LIDI:] What?! What is it?!

[DON FRUTO:] What? Don’t you start
asking about our love-life, got it!?

'Cause you damn well know, that when I
could stand on my own two feet, heh!

The one who popped the cherries
and planted the carrots, was me!

>> Daddy, please!

[PEPO:] If you’ll excuse me,
I’ll be outside, barfing.

>> Oh, woe! Fuckin’ spineless
piece a shit.

Lemme tell you somethin’.

When I was back in 'Nam, uh,

Back then, in the sixties,

In Da Nan’, to be specific,

I was a fuckin’ bad boy and I
got with FOURTEEN nurses,

TWO Vietnamese nutters, and one
sweet SPRINGY little goat!

Hail Mary! What a goat!

>> No, no, Don Fruto. We KNOW Rambo’s
a momma’s-boy next to you!

I WISH I had the sort of strength
you have. Look at this macho man!

>> This dog’s lookin’ for a bone!

And would you do me a favor
and stop touchin’?

'Cuz I’m not a bucket a cement!

>> Man, no! No… See,
the thing is now, that with…

a little something I’m working on,
I’m a new man!

Here, on my behalf, Doñita.

>> That so? Ha ha!

Girl, what this fool wants is
to ask for money. Forget it!

>> No, man, no…

>> Hortelio Mercado Villa Real?!

>> Mom, one more person
is coming for dinner.

Just so you know, alright?

>> Yeah? Who’s coming?

>> Well, someone who has a new
job offer for Pepo!

>> Yeah? Oh, how lovely!
Did you hear, Frutelio!

>> Uh-huh.

>> A new offer!
For a job.

>> Uh-huh.
Hehehe-heh.

That one’s just a piece a ass.
Forget it.

'Cause if she’s giving a job
to THIS guy,

She’s just some
piece of ass.

[Knocking on door]

[TATO:] Uhh… pardon the interruption,

but Pepo requires some
legal representation.

>> Shh! Shh! Gimme a sec.

Didn’t the bar discredit you?

>> Discharged! And that’s
still under review.

>> When I was back in 'Nam, HMM?

The lieutenant musket told me, that
he wanted to discharge an…

An ungrateful pig out
on the battlefield, so what I did was…

I pulled out my dagger, and
I grabbed 'im by the-

>> Daddy, please!

>> And how easy it cuts through flesh!
AH HAHAH!

[PEPO:] Doña Lidi, my God, I swear you
make the best pettitoes in the world!

So you know, if there are
any left over, pack 'em up,

so I can have 'em for breakfast,
as a pettitoe omelette. Ooh!

'Cause this one make them…
priceless! Right?

[PUKI:] Ooh yeah.

[DON FRUTO:]
To tell ya the truth, this is amazing.

'Cuz just think, pig’s pig, ain’t it?

And ya know, they just get all up
in their own shit,

'Cuz that’s where they live, right?

And then you can just tell
how that shit just gets

between their legs like this,
yeah? Yeah?

And then we come along and just
eat it like this!

That’s where all the flavor is
in this bullshit. MMM!

[PEPO:] That’s exactly right, gramps!

Hey, ask Puki, when I eat hog,
I take my time to brush my teeth,

so I’ll be stuck with the aftertaste.

'Cause that’s like a bouquet!
That’s like perfume!

And a little hog’s kiss
is priceless, eh?

[PUKI:] Oh, gross,
how delicious, mwah!

[DOÑA LIDI:] So… Missy, what is it
that you do for a living?

'Cause I’ve seen you
messing with your phone a lot,

and probing it like this
with your fingers, tapping.

[ESTELA:] Yeah, well,
I’m a political advisor

[DOÑA LIDI:] Ah, right.

>> And what you mean by probing,
is me using social media.

See, what happens is, that in politics,

you risk your life on
social media every day.

>> And what’s this new job
you’re offering Pepo?

>> Senator

>> Oh, Senator…

[DON FRUTO:] So, then you get all up
on my ass 'cuz I don’t talk pretty, huh?

[PUKI:] Daddy, calm down, please.

>> What do ya mean, CALM DOWN?

Did you hear this lady?
This professional…

I mean, I dunno. Professional what?!

Who just said SENATOR?

[PEPO:] Hey, go on, tell him.
Tell him about the…

potential you see in me
to unite the masses,

The potential I have to become
the Second coming of Christ!

[ESTELA:] Exactly. That’s exactly right.
From the moment I saw him, I said…

This man is an angel. Eh?

Don’t you see it, Frutelio?

[DON FRUTO:] Hey, hey, hey!
That’s Don Fruto Mercado to you.

Tho, if you wanna call me
by my "enlisted name",

Then that’ll be "Mister Fruit Market".

It’s because of the politicians, that
we lost in Vietnam.

Because instead of cutting rations
to those little dipshits,

What they did was give them rice,
and with rice,

what they did was make rum,
they made food…

They made AMMUNITION!

And to us? What did they give us?!
Marijuana and more narco-

[DOÑA LIDI:] Frutelio,
you calm yourself down,

Or you’re not getting any
of the moonshine flan I made.

[DON FRUTO:] Mmmnn- No-
Don’t do this to me, baby.

How could you dare keep me
from my moonshine flan?

That’s- You know I’m a sick man.

I mean, honestly, nobody
gives a damn about me

in this damn house.
I’m leaving.

Forget it.

I can't believe I'm being treated
like this, in my own home!

[PEPO:] Don’t mind him. That’s just
his… postpartum depression.

But it’s completely inoffensive.

Now, I’d like to make a toast!

To the first project I’ll
bring forth as Senator,

which is to institutionalize
National Pork Day.

Because that precious little animal,
lets itself get eaten head to tail!

[DOÑA LIDI:] Oh, that came out
sounding so nice!

TOGETHER: CHEERS!

[Glasses clinking]

[Suspenseful music]

[Gong]

[ESTELA:] I set out to challenge myself,
who perhaps for being a woman,

have not been properly recognized by
people, who I helped out to win elections!

Now, none of you
have to pay a cent, no.

Your husband, is a humble man,

Who based on what I’ve heard,
and what I’ve been told,

Is more famous than he realizes. Hmm?

And he’s a very good man, a genius
when it comes to numbers,

Uh, he has a clean record, uh…
He treats you well, right?

Of course, the fact that it’ll be
a challenge for me to make him win,

Well, it will be hard but
that’s MY challenge.

[PUKI:] Hey, um… I support him,
warts and all.

I’d support Pepo in anything, but…

but this thing about forcing
a man to pay for the campaign…

Simply because he ran Pepo over,
I don’t think that’s good.

Plus, Pepo came back
without a scratch.

[ESTELA:] No, no, the thing that
what you don’t understand, is

that that CROOK could care less
if he harmed Pepo or not.

He has money involved in
bogus contracts he made,

with loans from the government
knowing he wouldn’t pay back.

Bankrupting companies!
Building with fake bought off permits!

Corrupting other people, who he doesn’t
even go visit in jail after the fact!

[TATO:] You say that like
you’ve been there.

[PUKI:] And what’s that about a camera?

[PEPO:] What happened was
we caught a guy,

with another guy,
who was dressed as a woman.

But this woman wasn’t a woman, it was
a man dressed as a woman. That is,

This guys who likes to get
with men dressed as women,

likes to go around acting
like the manliest man around.

[ESTELA:] Yes, but that’s not really all
that important. That’s just politics.

Now, what is important, Pepo, is
that you two have to get ready.

You’ll have to grow some thick skin,

Because if they realize Pepo
has a chance of winning,

they will do everything
in their power to stop him.

And if they don’t find something
to use against him,

they’ll make it up whole-cloth.

Now, let’s get to
the most important bit.

What is your ideology?

[PEPO:] We bought one, didn’t we?

Don’t you remember?

[PUKI:] We didn’t buy that…

>> Yeah! In a family-sized box, and
we put it in the cellar downstairs.

Don’t you remember it was on sale?!

>> Uhh…

>> No, WAIT! We bought them on layaway,
but I’ll take them this week!

[ESTELA:] You’re the perfect family!

Now what we have to try to find
is a party, which will accept you.

(María de Lourdes for Governor, 2016)
(F. D. Roosevelt Ave.)

[Orchestral strings play
opening to La Borinqueña]

[RECEPTIONIST:] Welcome to the
home of the Pro-Independence Party.

He who leans on a big tree,
will always find shade.

How may I help you?

How may I HELP you?!

HOW MAY I HELP YOU!?

[PEPO:] I want FREEDOM
and I want it NOW!

OUT with the fast-foods, and

OUT with the prickly
red and yellow American chicken!

Out with FaceBook!

We don’t want any more hotdog carts,
nor hamburger carts, nor- nor- nor-

Apple pie!

AND NO PARKING!

ONLY "ESTACIONAMIENTO"!

>> That’s alright. I agree completely,
but calm down.

>> I want to become a member

and be Senator for the glorious
Pro-Independence Party of Puerto Rico.

What do I have to do?

>> Sign up here.

>> Very well!

But…

All these people who already signed up,
were they already given a chance?

>> Well, the truth is, I don’t remember
the last time that someon-

>> No!

If we want to be democratic,
we need to hold primaries!

Primaries, that are free, open!
And I want them now!

Who do I have to talk to here?

>> It’s just that… Don Rubén
isn’t here at the moment.

>> Mm-hmm...

[RUBEN BERRIOS, godly:]
Give him the admission test.

And if he passes, tell him that Rubén
will be waiting tomorrow.

[RECEPTIONIST:] Well, perfect then.
Come through here,

And keep in mind… you can talk the talk,
But can you walk the walk?

We’ll be giving you a little test, which
if you pass, should raise your chances.

Of course, if we end up on the ballot.

[Military march]

[PEPO:] Ahem.

[SECRETARY:] Oh, please forgive me!
I was… reviewing some platform ideas.

Please, take a seat.

You good?

To be Senator for our party, you must
meet some very strict requirements.

>> Of course.

>> We don’t accept any poster boys
off the street,

nor small-town hustlers
or anything like that, in our ranks.

Here, you need intellect.

You need public speaking skills.

OK? Because not all that’s brown
is chocolate.

You have to grab a bull by the BALLS!

>> By the what now?

>> If you aren’t with me,
you’re against me.

>> I’m with you! I’m with you!
I’m with you…

>> Hmm… Very well.

>> What have YOU done for the fight
for independence?

>> I’ve engaged in… civil disobedience.

>> Proof! Evidence!

What makes you think, that going
to the beach, is civil disobedience?

Or do you simply think,

that every time the sun rises,
the number of idiots rises with it?

>> That’s not just any beach,
that’s Vieques.

And I’m married, that’s my civil status.

My wife had barred me from drinking beer
And checking out the chicks in bikinis.

That’s what I did all afternoon that
day, by the end, I was beat,

And my eyes were popping out of my head.
That’s civil-disobedience.

>> Don’t make me lose my time.
There’s no such thing as free lunch!

The candidates here have to do more
than just go to the beach!

>> Now wait just one second!
I know my rights, and

I know the electoral code
to the letter, and in Section H,

it reads "Any suitable individual may
request to be a candidate for a party."

And in the fine print
"If he fucking feels like it."

>> Impressive.

Impressive, and I assume
you meet ALL the requirements

set forth by that law that you cite
with such eloquence!

Tell me something!

Do you have print copies
of all five of your last

income tax filings?

>> Where can I buy them!?
I’ll go get some right now!

>> We’ll leave that for later.

You’re growing on me.

What you lack regarding
all that paperwork…

Maybe you can make up
by passing the proverbs test.

This one!

If you don’t pass this test,
you can’t be a candidate

for ANYTHING on behalf of this party,

Because the proof is in the pudding.

This test is decisive!

Yeah? So I’ll be telling you
the first half of a proverb,

and you have to finish it.
Like an IQ test.

>> OK.

>> Now if you fail more than three,
you get the hell right out of here.

May God guard me from my friends,
for from my enemies I guard myself.

>> Bring it on, bring it on!
This was my shit back in Vietnam.

>> The Popular Democratic Party is
split into two groups:

those who are scared, and those…

>> who are scared to death!

>> Yes! Yes.

>> Yes… you know I love you
from the bottom of my heart!

>> D- d- d- d- d- don’t.

>> Don’t touch me,
If you don’t love me, swee-

>> OK, until, until, until, until

>> Until the Son of God appear.
Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel.

>> Stop right there!

>> It’s the police! Hands up!

>> Shrimp who s asleep…

>> Wakes up earlier.

>> No, wrong!

>> No, because this little shrimp
had a little alarm clock and

He woke up early every day to
get to work and feed his little prawns.

>> Bah!

He who walks with cripples…

>> Is always late!

>> Wrong again! Ha!

>> No! Because cripples walk more
slowly, and this cripple has no family.

He’s alone in this world and needs
someone to stick by him to take it easy.

Plus, if you’re late, what happens?
Nothing.

>> If you walk with cripples,
You end up crippled!

>> That too!

>> That’s two wrong so far.
If you get a third, you fail!

[Reggaeton beat]

>> Talking like that you can’t,
be Senator.

>> I’m gonna try, I’m gonna try,
I’m gonna try it, Sir

>> Talking like that you can’t,
be Senator.

>> I’m gonna try, I’m gonna try,
I’m gonna try it, Sir

>> Early to bed and early to rise,

>> doesn’t make the Sun rise and shine.

>> And he who leans on a, big tree,

>> Gets crushed just like a killer bee.

>> Talking like that you can’t,
be Senator.

>> I’m gonna try, I’m gonna try,
I’m gonna try it, Sir

>> Talking like that you can’t be,
Senator.

>> I’m gonna try, I’m gonna try,
I’m gonna try it, Sir

>> Now, if buttocks
were made out of money,

>> You’d call him old
Don Buttocks, sonny.

>> Can the leopard change his spots?

>> If he bought them at Big Lots.

>> He who leaves for Aguadilla

>> Doesn’t need to pass
through Anguilla.

>> He who’s born to be a builder,

>> Gets his ass kicked by a miller.

>> Yo, Talking like that you can’t be,
Senator.

>> I’m gonna try, I’m gonna try,
I’m gonna try it, Sir

>> Talking like that you can’t be,
Senator – Senator.

[PEPO:] They don’t want me.

[ESTELA:] Put this Straw Hat on.

[PEPO:] "Jalda arriba"!

People of Puerto Rico, onwards!

To the trenches!

Look how pretty.

[RECEPTIONIST:] Ave Maria, how grand!

Oh, how lovely!

Gimme a sec.

Uh-huh! Yeah, it’s me again.

Hey, what should I say? Good morning?
Good afternoon? Good night…

Ah, whatever the Caucus says…
So neither good morning nor good night.

Good afternoon, which is in-between.

Oh, then OK. Thank you…

Good afternoon, how may I help you?

>> Hey, aren’t you- aren’t you the same
woman from the PIP?

>> Oh! Boy, no, my god!

That’s my cousin!

So unruly… Like, running the risk of…

Getting doxxed,
of being chased by the FBI,

Of getting called a rebel…
I can’t even!

I couldn’t! I’d die. I’d die!

But don’t get me wrong,
I love her. She’s my cousin.

I don’t get her. She’s always like,
up in her metaphors?

>> Yes, yes, yes,
a word to the wise is enough.

>> Exactly!

>> Well, look, I’d like to…

Be Senator for the
Popular Democratic Party.

Because I’m more popular than the Bank!

I’m more popular than Popular Mechanics,
the magazine,

I’m more popular than the
Popular Republic of China,

And you just know they have people
like Centella there.

But to get to the point,
I’m an old-school Populist,

Of an age by-gone.

Just imagine, I even go to sleep
listening to Ojeda!

I believe you! I believe you.

Now let’s see… Who do we have to call?

It could be the President, or…
It could be de Secretary…

Uh… To tell you the truth,
I don’t know.

>> Call whomever.

[DON CRECENCIO:] Whom might I offer
Bread, Land and Freedom, Missy?

I was just checking out
some federal funds

for promoting cane
and tobacco plantations.

But I’ve got some time!

And like Muñoz said, one single cross
beneath The Straw Hat.

[RECEPTIONIST:] Well, whatd’ya know?
This is Don Crescencio Pérez.

Follow him and he’ll
give you instructions.

[DON CRECENCIO:] This is my office…

Since the PDP has been in this building.

This is where we grind the coffee!

[PEPO:] I don- I don’t grind
my own coffee at home.

I drink instant, because of
modern life’s complexities.

But about the matter
of my becoming Senator-

>> I’ve been a Populist…

Since Muñoz Marín gave me
my first pair of shoes.

And if you want to run for Senator on
behalf of this illustrious Party,

The first test I’ll run you through
is the Seis test.

So you gotta know know
how to improvise. Eh?

Because improvisation is
the order of business!

This group is called
"The Best of Both Worlds".

And the chorus goes…

[Drumroll]

♫ I would die with the "Commonwealth"! ♫
Ha ha!

[Traditional mountain tune]

[PEPO:] Hey, TV-viewers, attention!

Or should I say my dear listeners,

I enjoy showers like prisoners,
Scrubbing just with polenta.

I was told by Tito Puente.

And reminded by Doña Fela.

We’re gonna beat up that fellah!

That’s on behalf of my muses,
As foretold by the Stooges,

I would die with the "Commonwealth"

As foretold by the Stooges,
I would die with the "Commonwealth"

HOW LOVELY!

>> AH ha ha! Now that’s
how you improvise.

Muñoz improvised!

>> Mm-hmm?

>> Yeah! And Jorge Jarabo,
and Báez Galib!

He was a master at carols of passion.

Now, onto the last test!

If you want to be a Senator,
like the greats,

You need to have knowledge of what
it means to be a Populist for real!

Do you like the Americans more,
or the "Independentistas"?

>> I uh, I don’t know.

>> That’s what a Populist’s
like for real!

Because a true Populist,
is neither here, nor there!

As that old arse used to say…

I said "arse",

♫ I’m not from here ♫
♫ and not from there! ♫

You’re doing well! You’re doing well!
What’s the best way to pick a candidate?

>> W- with your finger?

>> That’s exactly right!

With your finger!
Like Muñoz Marín did it,

And Hernandez Colón!
And Sila!

With their finger!

I point at you, and you’re the one!

What qualities should the
ideal candidate possess?

>> Ideal? Uh… Well he has to be
decisive, he can’t make mistakes.

>> Decisive?!

>> No?

>> What do you mean by "decisive"?!

>> That he’s resolute,
doesn’t flip-flop on a whim.

The last word could only be had by him!

And if we make a decision,
we could become a Republic!

Like Haiti! Or a place where mayors
won’t be able to hand out the Betimol!

I want you out of here
right this instant!

And don’t you dare insult that
Straw Hat you carry, Eh?!

Get out of here! That thing’s sacred!

[PEPO:] They don’t want me!

[ESTELA:] Put the star on.

>> Ugh.

(New Progressive Party)

[Commercial pop-rock]

[PEPO:] Hi.

[RECEPTIONIST:] Good afternoon, honey.
What am I good for?

>> Aren’t you… Aren’t you
the same woman from the PIP?

I mean… No, you’re from the PDP, right?

>> Oh my gosh, no!

Those are my cousins

And I, like, don’t talk to them,

’Cause one’s a communist, like Fidel’s,
with the New-Age thick-rimmed glasses,

And she thinks she’s
so much smarter than anyone…

And, really, I dunno.

She’s always tripping out and is, like,
super selfish!

And the other one… she’s a dumbo, who

doesn’t know what she wants,
has never married,

is super co-dependent,
and I’M not like that.

I’m not like other girls.

>> OK, OK, I’m Pepo González,
nice to meet you.

And I want to be Senator
for this distinguished party,

Which will free us from this dependence,
that brings waste to our people.

Which will make us first-class citizens,
because we’ve always been fifth-class.

It’ll make us part of that great nation!
The biggest! The most powerful!

The one that makes the most movies!
The one that makes the most hamburgers!

The one that declares the most wars
world-wide! The most potent-

>> OK, OK.

OK, in this party,
we aren’t like, philosophers.

What matters here is money.

So I’ll ask, do you have money
to run your campaign?

>> Money? Ha! I’ve got more than enough.

>> Oh, really?

>> Mm-hmm.

And through trickery, like we like it.

>> We’ve got a good Progressive then!

>> Mm-hmm!

[HOWARD LOPEZ:] I imagine if you’re
here, it’s because you’re vying for a…

…political office.

[PEPO:] Yeah, yeah, yeah!
I’m real American.

I wake up every morning and shout
USA! USA! USA!

USA! That’s my country.

I, I have a star on my chest, look.
Literally.

I’m more American than Orlando Parga,
than Orlando Florida,

Than Orlando-"Bluecheese"-Cepeda,
than Rashcke, than Font…

And- and- and this is my flag.

"Where would we be without her?",
I tell myself everyday.

This- This isn’t it.
Who put this in here?!

This- I- Yes! This is the one!

This is the one!
What would we do without her?!

"Coño!" – I mean, SHIT!

>> Calm down, calm down…

>> OK.

>> Relax, relax…
Relax.

>> I’m relaxed.

>> Relax.

Let’s talk about your campaign.

Who’s financing it, and how
much money are we talking about?

>> Five-hundred-thousand dollars.

>> Whoa-ho!
Medio millón de dólares, huh?!

>> No, not "medio", half a million.

Uh-huh, eso está bueno. Eso es-

Hey, you’ve been here an hour and
we haven’t even offered you some water!

Carmen, Carmen, bring me
some California wine.

Yeah, then open the crate.

Uh, you like wine?

>> I love wine! I know lots about wine.

>> That’s great. What’s your favorite?
Merlot?

Sauvignon?

Tempranillo?

>> No, not "Tempranillo", because
it’s not good to drink in the morning.

A "tarde-sillo", eh, would be better.

>> Any vintage? Any brand
you’d like in particular?

>> No, no, as long as
the bottle caps on light…

I, uh, I haven’t got a problem.

Let it be silly little wine.

>> Which would you like?

>> No, I pass!

>> I mean, it’s not that I don’t
appreciate them, but,

I’ve got one back home that’s…

That’s got arthritis.

[ESTELA:] They are going to tempt you,
to then snatch you,

So you’ll make mistakes,

so you’ll talk more
about the bank account,

but don’t say anything!

Because if you fall for it, we’ve lost.

>> This wine looks good!

It looks nearly blue!

>> Uh, girls, thanks a lot.
You’re dismissed.

Don Pipo,

>> Pepo – Pepo.

>> Ah, Pepo, Pepo, Pepo,

>> Not Pipo, Pepo.

I’ve been observing you, and I think
you could represent the new blood.

Because let me tell you something,

I want to die in a state
of that great American Nation.

>> But that’s easy! You can go to
New York, ticket’s like a hundred bucks.

>> No no no, I’m talking about New York,
I’m talking about here, State Number 51!

Puerto Rico.

>> Of course, of course.

>> I want to be buried here.

But I want to have a funeral where they
serve "Hot-Chocolate" and "Donuts".

Where they’ll play music
by the Eagles, where

A Lutheran priest would
speak pretty words,

Where instead of those big mausoleums
they put in cemeteries,

which look like public housing,

I’d get a small square plaque,
nice and pretty.

>> Yeah.

>> That. That’s what I’d like.
That looks fancy.

>> Yeah!

>> But I don’t want to die without
seeing Statehood come to this country.

>> Mm-hmm.

>> Do you speak English?

>> A poquito.

>> Pokie-toe…

Now, I’m gonna ask you another question,
and contemplate your answer well…

Songs:

Verde Luz…
New York, New York?

>> I don’t know either of them.

[ESTELA:] When you get asked something,
and you don’t know how to reply,

You can answer with any
of these three lines:

"Those are merely rumors, and
I don’t want to get into it", or…

"I’ll have to consult my pillow", OR

"I don’t feel like talking
about candidacies right now."

>> "Those are merely rumors,
and I won’t get into it"

>> Hmm…

>> Your true colors are showing.
You aren’t a scholar of Carlos’s.

You’re with the Reds!
You’re a spy for the Reds!

Maria, tell the girls to get over here.

Tell them there’s water.

Saraban-bitch.

GIRLS: We, don’t want, this guy around!

He’s a "chota"! He- he’s a "chota".
A "chota"!

We, don’t need, bastards, like him.

He’s too soft. He’s a wimp. A wimp!

Get. Him. Out.

Get. Him. Out.

Geeeeet, him out, right now!
He’s a "chota".

He’s a "chota".

"Es un chota."

SNITCH!

[TATO:] Aaannd…

[PEPO:] They don’t want me!

[ESTELA:] Ugh…

>> Take me home.

>> Now- Now you’ve done it.
Now’s when things get difficult.

Now we’re fucked, because
as an Independent!

Now we don’t have the electoral funds
to do anything!

We have to get money to make
advances, and to run some ads!

[TATO:] Hey, but uh, I mean,

I have a couple Dominican buddies,
who work in advertising.

Plus, they’ve got
a couple of caravan set-ups.

>> You know, that doesn’t sound
half bad. When can we meet them?

>> Well, now, they’re
down by the docks.

>> Well, let’s go then.

[PEPO:] No no no no no…
Leave me back home.

[Tropical groove]

[LEMUEL:] A dame-jeanne’s not
the same thing as a mamajuana!

The mamajuana’s a cheap knock-off!

Look, whataya want?

Some shit that’s approved
by the UADs-and-chooz-anguze?

By the Junta Central, by the empress
of San Pietro Napoli?

Pffft! See, I knew
you’d see the light.

I’m gonna send you THREE crates!

And how may I help you?

Ahh, well if it isn’t you, Tato, again.

Man, I already returned you that favor.

And don’t get funny, 'cause
I’ve already got my citizenship!

[TATO:] No no no no no,
we’re here on business.

Are you still working on
promotional works?

But of course! And even more now,

Since we got Bill-Boa’! Ha ha!

Bill! Get over here!

See? My Bill-Boa’s are genu-a.

And they don’t publish
misleading adverts.

[ESTELA:] Look, Lemuel, what we need
is promotional materials,

To be able to make advances and lots
of noise for a campaign for Senator.

[Sirens]

[LEMUEL:] You should’ve
started with that!

I’ll show you the latest
in caravan speakers!

Ma’am, I don’t call it a
caravan speaker, I call it

the MOTHER of all caravan speakers!

[Ship horn, car sirens]

>> You’re the man!

[Hip-hop track]

[Twinkling]

(Initial Payment, $500,000.00)

[News report jingle]

[REPORTER:] Engineer Ramirez del Prado,

when asked why the biggest
construction company in the country

is backing the campaign of a candidate,
who besides being an Independent,

Is completely unknown
on the political stage,

he answered:

[RAMIREZ:] Pepo González,
I’m backing him MYSELF,

That is, as an individual.

Because the important thing here is,
that the people know,

That we need to break with the hegemony
of the three parties, who never agree.

All they do is help each other in order
to perpetuate their time in power.

[REPORTER:] Allegedly, in the Capitol,
the surprise support for Pepo González,

on behalf of the entrepreneur,
has many Senators asking about

the personal life of Mr. Pepo González.

[DON FRUTO:] Wait just a minute…

Did that guy just say
what I think he said?

[DOÑA LIDI:] What? Not even seeing it
can convince you?

I’m telling you, that Pepo’s a winner!

Plus, she treats the girl well.

>> Oh, he’s just a lazy bum,
that’s what he is.

Ya know, actually, he’s a perfect fit
for a politician, yeah.

Yeah, 'cause he’s a
professional bullshitter.

And all he knows
how to do well is sleep.

Actually, you know what? Probably better
if I just move to the hammock.

Because for me, the most wrath-inducing
thing, is a lucky slacker.

[REPORTER:] What’s your opinion
on Pepo González?

[RAMIREZ:] Pepo González is
a man of integrity.

He’s a person who’s risen from
the bottom, a man of the people. A man-

[PEÑA COTTO:] Turn that shit off.

And call Estela. Get her over here.

[TONY:] Estela?

Estela… doesn’t work here anymore.

[JENNIFER:] What?

[PEÑA COTTO:] Tell her to get over it,
and to get here already.

[TONY:] No no, thing is that
she won’t come.

This time’s for good.
She’s not coming back. She won’t!

>> She’s not what?
Hand me that cellphone.

>> That number’s dead.

[JENNIFER:] Did you speak with her?

>> Yeah.

VOICEBOX: The number you have dialed
has been changed. You ca-

[PEÑA COTTO:] This number’s dead.

I’m gonna call her landline.

[Disconnected signal tone]

Mmm?

Oh, you want to come back, you say? No!
Not here. You’re not coming back now.

If you left, you left.
Good-bye!

I’m gonna tell you two something.

There won’t be a single Independent
who wins office here.

As long as I pay people’s gas,
so they can go vote,

I don’t need to campaign!

[Bachata melody]

[PEÑA COTTO:] If this guy beats me,

We’ll all be losers,

Once he refuses,
Our hanky-panky.

We’ll have no viewers,
On the news-shows…

There’ll be no interns,
wearing mini-skirts.

Oh please, oh please
give me another four.

For I aspire to be Governor.

Without my little office,
And the S.U.V.

I will be destined to be unhappy.

Oh please, oh please
give me another four.

I need to stick around as Senator.

For I have a habit of legislating,

Though I forgot how to do any writing…

If beat by Pepo,

I’ll have to step off,

Off of my throne on my caravan floats.

There won’t be jokesters,

Nor kissing-up-to…

No "special" hires,

For my desires.

Oh please, oh please
give me another four.

For I aspire to be Governor.

Without my little office,
And the S.U.V.

I will be destined to be unhappy.

Oh please, oh please
give me another four.

I need to stick around as Senator.

For I have a habit of legislating,

Though I forgot how to…

Do any writing!!!

[ESTELA:] As you can see, we’re all
gathered here today, because…

All of you here are
friends with Pepo, and…

I think, right, and believe that…

That all of you can pitch in, an-

[JOACO:] HMM? Pitch in?
Pitch in. See?

It told you! I told you!
It’s another scam.

See, I knew this was about money!

Pepo, you know all of us here
are fucked!

[PEPO:] No, no, no, no.

This is isn’t about money. I…

I plan on entering the
political arena, right?

A group of comrades has
made contact with me,

Very worried about
this country’s future,

Very dear comrades,
Like my wife and I.

And they’ve asked me to
enter the political arena,

And with the help of my ancient wisdom,
help this country out of this hole.

So, after much contemplation,

I’ve decided…

I’m running for Senate!

[Drumroll]

BOYS: BWAHAHA! WHAT?!

YOU?! YOU’RE RUNNING FOR SENATOR?!
YOU’RE FUCKING WITH US.

PEPO, YOU! YOU’RE RUNNING?
YOU WON’T LAST TWO DAYS!

[PEPO:] After every march and every
caravan, there’ll be free beer.

>> HEEEYYYYYY!

PEPO! PEPO! PEPO!
PEPO FOR SENATE!

[Cheerful campaign music]

♫ Pepo’s humbleness! ♫
♫ And courageousness! ♫

♫ If you want a Senator ♫
♫ Who won’t just use us… ♫

♫ If you’ve lost your job, ♫
♫ Pepo understands you ♫

♫ Don’t go ask for foodstamps ♫
♫ 'Cause you know that's graceless. ♫

♫ Pepo for the Senate ♫
♫ Doesn’t that sound funny? ♫

♫ At his job in the Capitol ♫
♫ He’d be less than useless! ♫

♫ Pepo, Pepo, go vote for Pepo! ♫

♫ Filling that hole, that’s ♫
♫ In the folks’ souls! ♫

♫ Pepo, Pepo, go vote for Pepo! ♫

♫ Filling that hole, that’s ♫
♫ In the folks’ souls! ♫

♫ Pepo for the Senate! ♫
♫ Folks recommend him! ♫

♫ At his job in the Capitol ♫
♫ He’d be less than useless! ♫

[Cheers]

♫ Go vote for Pepo! ♫

[PEPO:] This is exciting, you know?

[ESTELA:] Excuse me, who managed to get
so many people to come to this event?

>> Who do you think? Tato!

Follow me, come check this out.

[ESTELA:] You managed to
make all these people show up?

[TATO:] Ooh, yeah.
What do you think? Hmm?

>> You can impress
when you need to, huh?

>> Ehh, I mean, it cost me.
It cost me.

I had to give them all an upgrade from
beer to something a little stronger.

So that way I’d be sure
they’d come, right?

And for my own mental clarity,
of course. Mmm!

[Burp, lip-smacking]

We made it. Have a shot.

>> Oof! Wow, what’s in that? Gasoline?!

>> Quite possibly. I don’t know about
the rest, but it’s good!

Now, that being said, we are making
good progress gathering signatures,

and are up-to-date with
the State Elections Commission

>> Hmm… well done.

Well done.

>> Mm-hmm…

[Pretend munching]

[LEMUEL:] My dearest Campaign Manager,

>> Yeah?

>> Since you weren’t around,
I took it upon myself

to do some studies
on political gesturing.

>> Uh-huh… ?

>> In the past, candidates have opted
for traditional mannerisms like these.

>> Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Uh-huh!

For Pepo, a man of the people,
we developed this gesture.

From Basketball, when they score a trey,
and then a holy cross, below Pepo.

That’s Pepo González,
the Second Coming of Christ.

[Campaign music tune]

[Sirens]

♫ Pepo, Pepo, go vote for Pepo! ♫

RUBEN SANCHEZ:
Good morning, Radio-Activa listeners,

Today we’re joined by independent
candidate for Senator, Pepo González

A good day to you, Pepo.

[PEPO:] Well, a good morning to you too,
Luis Francisco and all those watching.

Over radio.

>> What did you call me?

>> Lu- Luis Francisco, no?

>> I’m- I’m Rubén Sánchez.

>> Rubén! Rubén Sánchez…

>> Rubén Sánchez.

>> I just got you confused,
because you look alike.

>> Independent candidate for Senator.

>> For Senate, yeah,
that’s exactly right.

>> Well, first and foremost,
I’d like to do a sidetone,

to thank you for the treats
you’ve brought us.

>> I saw you dug into them already!

>> I did, I did, but you’ll have to dig
into these questions too. Not a problem?

>> Let’s go! Bring it on!
You know that’s what we’re here for!

Like, what’s that thing you say?
This place smells like old fish maruca!

You know, I think Maruca was an old
witch, who lived around my neigborhood,

Who didn’t bathe,

And if that’s the case,
it wasn’t fish that stank!

Ah ha ha ha hah!

>> I’ve got something here,
that I just received over text.

How is it possible that
in less than a week,

your committee has managed to collect
enough signatures to surpass…

five percent of the TOTAL votes cast
during the last general elections

by ALL candidates to the same office?!

How can that be?!

[ESTELA:] Your key phrases
are "Family Man",

"The liquid priced by
the people of Puerto Rico",

"Humble Families", "Single Mothers",
"Iron Fist",

and ALWAYS looking at the camera.

[PEPO:] Well…

The reason is simple.

We are going to achieve that…

Thanks to the effort
of Puerto Rican fathers.

The Puerto Rican worker, who works
without catching a breath,

For all Puerto Ricans, without
discriminating by color whatsoever,

And… thanks to drinking
that precious liquid

in those humble family homes
lead by single mothers

Who when greeted,
give you an iron fist.

And that’s my promise to you.

>> Do you really think I believe you?

>> I don’t know. Don’t trust me?

Don’t you trust? Like you say,

"Don’t you trust? Don’t you trust?
Don’t you trust me?"

>> Do you think people trust you?

>> I mean, I don’t know,
but to all our friends

who are listening,
I’d say to go elect me,

And during those four years,
I’ll show you who I really am.

[ESTELA:] That isn’t the issue!

We can’t get rid of foodstamps,

because then all the single mothers
will pounce on us! No-

[MAIMI:] Excuse me, Missy, excuse.
Do you know what would be a good idea?

The whole metro area is
full of bus-only lanes,

>> Uh-huh.

>> Which aren’t being used anymore 'cuz
there are barely any buses running left!

Why don’t we make those lanes
as drunks-only lanes?!

[PABLITO:] I think we could
give them a two-year advance

on their foodstamps, so

So that way, they can go buy
airline tickets to go to the States,

and get foodstamps there too!

[FLECHO:] I think
what we need to do is…

Pepo, when he’s in the Senate,

and through the
Institute of Puerto Rican Culture,

enshrine, as the national anthem…

"If I don’t get something drink,
I’ll cry".

[MAIMI:] That’s a good one!

[PEPO:] My Puerto Rican
brothers and sisters,

Join me. Vote for me.

And together, let us
finally bring an end

to the three-party dictatorship of the
six political parties in Puerto Rico,

The three traditional parties,
and the three new radical ones.

Vote for me,

Pepo González,
the Second Coming of Christ.

I’m Pepo González,
and I approve this message.

The was fucking baller, wasn’t it?

[Hair blower]

[Reggaeton ringtone]

[ANITA:] Daddy… I already missed you.

[TONY:] I’m here outside,
my little chickadee.

>> Where?

>> Right here, outside the workshop!
But be careful.

Don’t let Cleto find out.
He’s been jumping at shadows all day.

>> Oh, I know…

[Hair dryer]

You know, since they got
this punk on a pension,

He just won’t leave!

All he does is go to these
Toyo-zuk-yundai Club meetings,

Ugh, and the new rules say that the men
have to bring their wives with them.

Oh, and he makes me
wear a hard leather jacket!

Oh God, we look like
we’re part of the Lions Club.

I’m fed up!

>> Baby, I want to see you
and lick you clean!

>> Ohh, Daddy,
I’m crazy to see you too!

Oh yes, I need you.

>> What’s that noise I’m hearing?

>> What?!

Oh, the noise? It’s the blower

I switched it on, so this punk
wouldn’t hear me.

Hey, how about you take me

to that Peña Cotto guy’s campaign
and we run off during a caravan?

Wait a sec, 'cause this punk here
thinks I don’t know he’s behind me.

I’ll put you on. Come up with something.

[CLETO:] What’s with all the
Yik-yakking? Hand me over that phone!

Who’s speaking?!

>> It’s me, Tony.

>> Oh, Tony!

Sonny, why are you calling me
on this cellphone?

>> Well, I dunno. This the number I
have on you, the one you gave me.

>> Ahh! So what happened is, that
that day I gave you my number,

this is the phone I had on me!

>> Ah, and what are you up to?

>> Uh, well, I- I- I’m
waxing the car right now,

Because tonight, we’ll be using it
to escort a quinceañera.

>> I wanted to ask you a favor, because
I, uh, I need Anita.

You know how she’s. Well, she’s real…

Creative! And since I’m working
with Peña Cotto now,

We need someone like her on our team,
Because she’s got LOTS… to offer.

>> No, no, no, no, no,
I don’t trust ANY politician.

>> Wh- wha- what do you mean
you don’t trust?

When you know ME from right in town!

You know what I want with your wife is
to go down on her.

>> Say what!?

>> Note down her work!
Her work! Her work…

So, I’ll just pick her up at home,
at the shop,

and you can tinker in peace,
all you want.

>> The thing is, that that boss of yours
always seemed so greasy to me…

>> Yeah, well, what you don’t know
is one of his new proposals is

to get rid of all speed-bumps,

and give tax breaks to everyone who
installs nitro headers on their cars,

And li- li… lift suspensions!

Fuck! Finally, a fellow gear-head!

He’s gonna take charge and
take us back to the eighties, man!

ANITA!!!

[ANITA:] Oh, Cleto, not…

[TONY:] Go! Go!

[CLETO:] ANITA!!!

[Banging on trailer]

[ANITA:] What is it, Cleto?!

>> Go call up Tony.
He’s gonna get you to party!

[Campaign music]

♫ Pepo for the Senate! ♫
♫ Folks recommend him! ♫

♫ At his job in the Capitol ♫
♫ He’d be less than useless! ♫

♫ Pepo, Pepo, go vote for Pepo! ♫

♫ Filling that hole, that’s ♫
♫ In the folks’ souls! ♫

[CROWD:] Pepo’s humbleness! Hey!

Pepo’s happiness! Hey!

Pepo’s humbleness! Hey!

Pepo’s happiness! Yeah!

Pepo’s humbleness! Hey!

Pepo’s happiness! Hey!

Pepo’s humbleness!

[DOÑA GERTRUDIS:] Pepo González…

Do you know what
our people’s problem is?

[PEPO:] I don’t.
You tell me, Doña Gertrudis.

>> That you need to have COJONES!

Open up, you fool!

[TATO:] Hey!

Pepo, you alright?

[PEPO:] Oh, yeah, I’m just… excited.

>> Ah?

>> Because this lady told me
what this country’s problem is.

>> Oh really?

>> Yeah, go on, go in and ask her.

>> OK

[KID:] Hey, get together
for a selfie with Pepo! Come on!

[CROWD:] Selfie with Pepo!
Selfie with Pepo!

[TATO:] OH HOLY FUCK!!!

♫ Pepo’s humbleness! ♫
[ANNOUNCER:] Keep with it!

♫ And courageousness! ♫

Come and greet him!

Pepo González,
the Second Coming of Christ!

He’s the man fighting for Puerto Rico!

♫ If you’ve lost your job, ♫
♫ Pepo understands you ♫

♫ Don’t go ask for foodstamps ♫
♫ 'Cause you know that's graceless. ♫

♫ Pepo for the Senate ♫
♫ Doesn’t that sound funny? ♫

♫ At his job in the Capitol ♫
♫ He’d be less than useless! ♫

♫ Pepo, Pepo, go vote for Pepo! ♫

♫ Filling that hole, that’s ♫
♫ In the folks’ souls! ♫

♫ Pepo, Pepo, go vote for Pepo! ♫

♫ Pepo, Pepo, go vote for Pepo! ♫

[CROWD:] Pepo! Pepo! Pepo! Pepo!

Pepo! Pepo! Pepo! Pepo!

[Crowd chanting]

[ANITA:] NO!

Help me, baby, he presents himself as a
good candidate but won’t stop touching!

[TV-AD:] This segment is brought to you
by… Open Mobile.

[NEWS HOST:] In a campaign that’s been
very atypical for Puerto Rican politics,

Independent candidate Pepo González
and his core team,

got into a riot right in Santurce.

At the moment, he is being treated
at the Medical Center after a

blow to the head over accusations
of alleged sexual harassment.

A sex scandal, in the campaign of the
candidate who claims to be

the Second Coming of Christ.

[DON FRUTO:] There it is! I told ya so!
Look!

You can’t teach an old dog new tricks!
Eh!?

[DOÑA LIDI:] Well, but that’s
your son-in-law.

I don’t know how you can get enjoyment
from your own daughter’s suffering!

In fact, I’m gonna go call her.

[Fighting on TV]

[PEÑA COTTO:] You know what?

I need you to find me that man, from
the incident with Pepo, and his wife.

Do it quickly, and discreetly.

[JENNIFER:] Mm-hmm.

[Spanks]

>> Ooh… Ooh!

[PEPO:] Thank you.

Hey, you forgot my urine!

[Door shuts]

[ESTELA:] Do you want to explain to me
what happened?

And I’m not referring to the riot.

What I’m asking you is whether you
have anything to do with that slut?

>> What? No! How even?!

>> Uh-huh.

>> They can accuse of me anything, but…

Having a side chick? No!
The only woman for me is Puki.

Wait till she gets here
and confirms that for you.

Honey!

[Slap]

>> OK, OK, let’s keep things
under control here.

Let’s talk, because

It’s important. We’re going through
a sticky situation, and

We need to sort things out.

In politics…

In politics, everyone has skeletons
in the closet, and cheating…

is one of the worst.

Right now, our opponents are probably

trying to get in contact
with this chick,

to come up with a story.

[Shady music]

[ESTELA:] The important thing now,
is for you to calm down, Puki.

You didn’t see this woman.

[PUKI:] Mmm.

>> You don’t know what
we’re dealing with.

Let’s focus on the fundraising,
which is the most important.

OK?

Between us, nothing has changed.

[Classical violin playing]

>> From what I hear, this "Pepo" stuff
is just to appeal to the lower classes.

He’s really a lawyer with a degree
from Harvard.

>> I think he’s a Head of Department
at Yale!

>> He speaks 5 languages
and 10 dialects.

>> He’s a sommelier and the best curator
in the Caribbean and Latin America!

>> They say even in the United States!

>> An associate of Bill Gates’

>> He’s an associate
of Warren Buffet’s!

>> He hunts white elephants
in Mozambique.

>> A black-belt in aikido.

>> He’s a great tango dancer.

>> He plays piano like an angel.

>> He’s a gentleman.

>> He’s a poet!

>> He’s an auteur.

>> He’s a first class juror.

>> He was the President’s advisor!

>> No!

>> He looks like Ricky Martin.

[Glass shattering]

[PEPO:] I’m sorry.

[PUKI:] Hey

[ESTELA:] Uh- uh- uh- uhm…

I called you, and I told you,
that your tuxedo

was on the table
at campaign headquarters.

[PEPO:] Yeah, but it didn’t fit.
It was too small.

I was walking around like this,
like a penguin.

And the little tie? There’s no one
who can tie that, right?

>> Puki, the dress.

It’s uh…

[PUKI:] Oh my!

[PEPO:] Precious.

[ESTELA:] It’s- Yes, well-
It’s a little tight.

PUKI [struggling]: Yes, but,
just a little.

Well, to tell you the truth,
I can barely breathe,

but Pepo insisted on it.

Because this is the dress
in which we first, uh…

[PEPO:] And we haven’t washed it since.

>> Yes! Hihihii!

[PEPO:] Hey!

How are you, smart guy?

This is my wife, Puki.

And this is Tato Adorno, Esq.
Though you’ve already met.

[RAMIREZ:] Good evening! Good evening!
And thank you for being present.

In these next few moments,
I’d like to introduce you

to the person who
has brought us together today.

This person…

Who I have given
my full backing and support,

in his political aspirations,

is an extraordinary human-being!

Let’s welcome with a big round
of applause, our next Senator,

Pepo González!

[Cheers and applause, campaign music]

[Suspenseful Romantic music]

>> He’s an example of a people
who outdo themselves.

>> We have to give opportunities
to the less-well-off classes.

>> I can tell from here, that he
represents our three races.

>> His wife exhibits a beauty worthy
of a painting by Gauguin.

[MARIA EUGENIA:] Well, I think
he's QUITE ordinary.

His wife is QUITE ghetto,

and my husband is going insane!

[Laughter]

[RAMIREZ:] María Eugenia,
please, please.

Let me introduce you to Pepo González,

PEPO [stuffed]: Nice to meet you.

>> And his beloved wife, Puki!

… de González.

[MARIA EUGENIA:] Nice to meet you, Puki.

I’m very glad to meet you. My husband
has said great things about you,

but I hadn’t had the chance
to meet you personally, but truly,

I’m sorry about what happened to you
during your caravan.

[PEPO:] Oh, don’t worry about it.
That’s always happened to politicians,

I mean, it happened to Reagan…
It happened to Gandhi.

>> Ah, yes.

>> And it happened to that President,
Lincoln Continental!

To Marthin Luther King-crab!

>> Yes!

>> If it happens to me, a dumbass
in a suit, that’s nothing!

>> Ah ha hah!
Eh heh heh…

[PUKI:] Look how pretty these are

They aren’t mine, of course,
they’re acrylics,

But I do them myself, and this week,

I have them on sale
for fourteen ninety-nine,

with a pedicure, and I’ll even
throw in a malt-beer.

Yeah, look!

I’m working throughout
the whole Capitol,

with the Senators in there
and everything.

>> But it must be difficult getting
to do anything with them, no?

>> Well no, but that’s because
I gave them fakes!

Ah, ha ha hahaha ha hah!
Fake nails! Ha!

>> Rafa, what are we going to do
about this?

I’m not handing a thousand bucks
to that guy!

[RAMIREZ:] Don’t worry, old man!
Get over here.

Look, here’s what you’re going to do.

You’re going to write a little check,
and donate to his campaign!

Hmm?

And then when you see him
come out on top,

We’re going to play like a fiddle!

Ah?

[PEPO:] Get me a cold one, will ya?

BARTENDER: We don’t have beer, sir.

What we have is whiskey,
champagne and wine.

>> What do you mean there’s no beer?
What kind of party is this? Piece of-

>> I’m sorry, sir.

>> Tato, com- TATO!

Come over here.

Look man, all these people have
is champagne, fruit juices

and shit like that.

Don’t you have anything nice to drink?

[TATO:] Brother, we brought
what we’ve been

drinking up and down town,

Namely, Meraldo’s moonshine.

You know that lights up
any old thing. Look.

>> Damn, man. Give me some of that.

Hand it over. Let’s bring these folks
a little bit of happinness.

Come on, come on.

[RAMIREZ:] I didn’t know Pepo’s wife
was so gorgeous…

I mean, with all the respect
you deserve.

I swear you have me captivated.

And I can tell that dress of yours can
no longer contain your womanliness.

It’s pleading, screaming to get out, eh?

For someone to help you out.

[PUKI:] Pep- Pepo’s calling me!

>> Oh, woman…

[TATO:] Here’s Pepo’s Special.

That big man, when it comes
to cocktails, doesn’t stop for what.

[ESTELA:] Mm-hm?

>> Mm-hmm!

>> Hey, this is nice!

>> Yessiree.

>> How’s our quota?

>> Well, it’s going a little slow, but…

Once this drink makes the rounds, you’ll
see how all the clams open their mouths!

[Tropical tune]

[Shady tune]

[LEMUEL:] Uh, good evening, chief!

We’re headed to the event at
Ramírez del Prado's clubhouse.

We’re form Pepo’s campaign team.

GUARD: Yes, please tell me your name.

>> Uh, Lemuel del Hoyo, Tony Mancha,
Bill Board, Tatito Oreja,

and El Bello Morales.

[Beep]

[MORALES:] Lemuel, hit it!
The boom gate’s up!

GUARD: You guys aren’t
on the list here…

[LEMUEL:] Uh, chief! Call them,

because we’re associates
and donors to Ramírez del Prado.

Double-check! Check again!

[Merengue tune]

[Accordion blaring]

[RAMIREZ:] Pepo, Pepo,
we had agreed with Tato,

that this would be just you,
him and your wife!

Do you want to give me
an explanation for this?

[PEPO:] Well, you know,
the thing is these folks,

they can smell a party
from miles away.

These are my people!

But just you wait. Now we’re gonna
get everybody to join in.

>> Well, the thing is
this isn’t a PARTY.

This is a thousand bucks a plate!

And it’s for. your. campaign!

>> Tato, come over here.

Tato.

The Man’s worried about the guys,

so could you ask them please
to turn it down a little?

[TATO:] To turn it down?!

But now’s when we’re gonna hit it
with these bourgie fucks!

Hey, LEMUEL! Start playing!

But!

[PEPO:] They’re uncontrollable.

[Merengue]

♫ When those lovely women,
fall head over heels. ♫

♫ When those lovely women,
fall head over heels. ♫

♫ And they keep on saying,
that the men all are. ♫

♫ And they keep on saying,
that the men all are. ♫

♫ That the men are, is
what they keep on saying. ♫

♫ As my child tells it,
so says Rafael. ♫

♫ As my child tells it,
so says Rafael. ♫

♫ Yes, that is my woman,
from Santa Isabel. ♫

♫ Yes, that is my woman,
from Santa Isabel. ♫

♫ From Santa Isabel!
Yes, she is my woman. ♫

[LEMUEL:] Now we’re fundraising!
Even panties are going up!

Mm-mmm! Put this away for me.

[Snoring]

[Police sirens]

OFFICER: Good morning,
Mister Pepo González?

You’re under arrest for
sexual harassment and assault.

You have a right to remain silent,

and anything you say
will be used against you.

You have a right to a call
and a right to a lawyer.

If you cannot afford one,
one will be appointed for you.

[Shared clamor]

(Pepo González under arrest.)
(Zika-virus kills.)

[DON FRUTO:] Man, when I was in Vietnam,
back in Khe Sanh,

We used to grow some weed,
ooh, baby!

That was some real pot.

That. was. real. pot!

Pot, pot…

Uh… boys, I’ll see you later.

I’ll see ya later, alright?

[Military march]

[TONY:] Now that’s more like it,
Senator.

Now everything’s
rolling nice and smooth!

Even more so, now,
that Anita’s on our team,

A woman… of character, dedicated
to our campaign and our principles.

And I’m telling you beforehand,
she’ll be my future wife,

as soon as I get divorced

and she divorces
that basket case over there.

[PEÑA COTTO:] And you’re sure
you can trust in her?

>> Pfft!

[ANITA:] Look, Senator, baby,

I’ve spent five years married,
to that thing.

And all this time I haven’t let him
so much as touch my hair.

I haven’t had to work a day in my life,
so if there’s money involved…

[whispering] I’m all for it.

[DON FRUTO:] Holy shit. What a cunt.

[TONY:] OK, yes yes yes, but let’s
finish this meeting, OK?

The point is,

Having mixed Pepo up in a sex scandal
didn’t do jack for us.

He is giving us a beating
in the polls!

[PEÑA COTTO:] Hey!
Look what I just read here!

Pepo is giving us a beating
in the polls!

What an outrage!

>> Uh-huh.

So, that’s why I had to
mix him up in shit,

and they arrested him for
sexual assault, and blackmail.

Now, he can’t be Senator
if he’s in prison.

Huh? Huh?!

>> Thanks to people like you,

is why I decided decided
to go into public service.

And for two, other, reasons more.

[Clattering, alarm]

[ESTELA:] It’s not a problem.

You just have to calm down,
and nothing’s wrong.

[REPORTER:] Pepo, will you be
dropping out of your race?

>> No no no, nobody is stepping
down. We will prevail.

Plus, this all smells to me like
a ruse by the establishment,

to keep a good candidate
out of the race.

[PEPO:] Thank you.

[REPORTER:] Pepo, any comments?

>> Look, I’m innocent, I’ve never-

Oh for fuck’s sake!

(Pepo still in hot water.)
(Junta "oversight" board arrives.)

DON FRUTTO: Come on, do it! Yeah!
Tie me down, and tie me tight!

Tie me down tight,
'cuz lemme tell you somethin'!

When I was back in Vietnam,

They used to tie me down with snakes
and barbed wire, ya hear me?!

And I made my escape like Houdini!

So, tie me up, because
when I make it out of here,

We’re gonna fight to the death!
Ya hear?! You and me!

Just you and me, ya hear?!

And I’m gonna take you,
and I’m gonna skin you

like an iguana, you piece of-

[TONY:] Shh-shh-shh shh!

What do we do now
with this old codger?

[PEÑA COTTO:] Just make sure
he doesn’t get loose

until after the hearing,
because if he does,

He’ll start talking like a madman,
and then nobody will believe us.

Anyway, we’ll all be
out of here by then.

[Don Frutto murmuring]

[Laughing]

[PEPO:] Why the fuck did I think of
getting into politics!? Ugh.

That’s just asking for trouble!

Better to be a cop and
get shot in the streets.

Then I’d at least be
over with quick, like this.

Or get slapped and
have my face smashed in,

but no, not in politics.

In politics they come and
rip your soul out.

Lies and thievery.

[PUKI:] Aw, it’s alright, look.

Everything will work out in the end.
Don’t talk like that, Pepo.

>> Pfft! Real simple!
Do you know how it’ll work out?

>> How?

>> Same way it did for Christ.

I die and in three days I’ll be back.
Ta-da! Done!

[DOÑA LIDI:] Here,
I brought a little coffee.

[PUKI:] Oh, how delightful.

>> To calm your senses.

I’m sorry to bring another concern, but
it’s just that Fruto hasn’t come back!

>> No?

No, and it’s well past his usual,
especially today,

when I made those sausages
he loves so much.

And he isn’t back,
and he knows I made it!

>> Momma, seriously?

[DON FRUTO:] Oh shit, who in the hell

could possibly be uncovering
my little pot o’ sausages!?

Oh, ho ho ho, no!
I need to get out of here,

Because tho it weighs heavy
on my soul,

I gotta go save my idiot
son-in-law’s ass.

[HOST:] According to the latest polls,

Accusations against Pepo have weighed
heavy on voters’ minds.

Pepo González, who had been rising
in the polls up until now,

has now apparently fallen slightly
behind the incumbent, Peña Cotto.

We can only wait and see
how this scandal is resolved,

to see who prevails.

Should Pepo prevail
but turn up guilty,

We would hold a special election,
separately,

and Senator Peña Cotto
would be able to participate.

[ESTELA:] I managed to convince

this prosecutor to change
the hearing for tomorrow.

That being said, it should be
a private hearing,

but I agreed to let it be public.

Now let me tell you, we are going to
unmask each and every one of them

in one shot.

[PEPO:] And what if we don’t unmask
anybody, and I end up in the can?!

Or as you like to call it, "desisted".

[RAMIREZ:] Well, well, well…
and to what do I owe the honor?

[PEÑA COTTO:] Sir, you’ve left me
completely in the dark.

>> Hmph!

>> And we’ve… already run off
your little horse in this race.

>> I should’ve known your signature
was behind this scandal.

And would you look at that!

And this is the piece of candy
you used as bait, huh?

[TONY:] Yes, but with all due respect,
Sir, the candy’s mine, mois.

It’s mine. It’s taken.

>> Oh really?

And…

Are you taken too?

You too are great candidates
for guests to my private club.

[PEÑA COTTO:] Well. And uh…
What are you gonna do now?

>> Well, just wait and see how things
turn out, and… carry on my merry way.

>> Then you’re wrong!

Because you’re going to help me
destroy YOUR candidate, and that

ungrateful assistant of mine, no?

In other words, we are going to
kill two birds, with one stone.

Pew!

>> What sick head you have, huh?

Ah, but I love it.

Especially being able to work again with
people who speak your same language.

Huh!?

[DOÑA LIDI:] But…

What do you mean I have to wait
twenty-four hours

if he’s older than eighteen?!

Yes, of course, he’s seventy-two,
but he’s like a little kid!

No, I mean, I even made him some
sausages he really likes today.

He can’t be gone for that!

Oh, God…

[PUKI:] Oh, Pepo. Pepo!

Daddy won’t show up!

[PEPO:] No.

>> It’s just the police won’t
do anything for twenty-four hours!

>> No.

>> Can’t you do something, honey,
I don’t know!

Sweetie, not now. Not now!

Right now, we’re discussing the hearing,
which could cost me the election.

And it could even cost me
my freedom, OK?

So, just stay calm!

That old coot you have for a father’s
probably doing just fine on his own.

[CLETO:] My metal babe!

My wingman from better days!

My panty dropper!

DON FRUTTO: You don’t even
drop your underpants, ya hear!?

Eh!?

And your horniness has you blind!

>> Hey, buddy!

Don’t talk to me like that! You know
you and I have stories to tell!

>> Stories? What stories?!
Forget about that!

Get me out of here.
It’s for the best!

See, the thing is, I haven’t found
all your original parts yet, but…

as soon as I’ve found them, ha!

We’ll be hitting the road all day
every day! Every day!

>> First work out what they’re doing
to that wife of yours.

And what’s worse is, that it’s
your own friend, that one ass-kisser.

>> Look here, don’t you talk like that
about her. She’s my wife, you know!?

And that’s my heart!

>> Well, they’re eating her out.
That ass-kisser’s eating her out!

And the worst part is, she’s also
embroiled in fraud,

kidnapping, and blackmail!

[Cleto, slurring]

>> My God! And I thought that…

Who are you?

>> I’m Don Fruit Market,
the new light of your life!

Now untie me, why don’tcha?! Because
I’m the one who holds the truth.

The whole truth!
And nothing but the truth!

>> Amen!

>> No "amen"! Get me out of here!

Come on you horndog,
get on with it!

>> What?!

[REPORTER:] Two weeks out
from the general elections,

Pepo González, Independent candidate
for Senator at-large,

is headed for his preliminary hearing,
to see whether the case against him

for sexual assault and harassment
proceeds or not.

We have him right here. Uh,
Pepo González, just one question,

Do you think you’ll come out
victorious from all this?

When do you think you’ll
be able to go vote?

[PEPO:] Yeah, we’re all calm and
everything will turn out in my favor.

Because I have never! Never!
Never, touched that woman.

[PUKI:] No!

>> Because the only one for me is
Puki Dorphila Keshandra Taura, Rivera!

My Puki!

(San Juan Central Court)

[ESTELA:] This ingrate is in
with the cronies.

No doubt about it,
they’ve bribed the judge.

[BAILIFF:] Everyone up, please.

[JUDGE:] Very Well,

Let’s get on with this, since
it’s supposed to be an easy trial,

yet you’ve made it into a circus.

What do the defendants say
as to these accusations?

[PEPO:] Man, what the hell
is up with you?

[TATO:] Mmm?

>> You look like you’re
passing a kidney stone,

or just got off the wagon or something.

>> I’m just sober.

It’s been so long since I’ve
been here without taking anything!

[JUDGE:] Defendant?

[PEPO:] Ugh…

[TATO:] Uh… uh…

"Not guilty your honor!"

[JUDGE:] And why in English?

Well, you see, what matters here
are the feds.

>> Esquire,

The "feds", as you call them,
don’t count here. Hmm?

>> Well then, no- no- not-, well, not…

Don’t leave. I’ll be right back.

Oh no, oh no, oh no! Wait a minute!

[PEÑA COTTO:] I- I can do it,
calm down.

Thank you.

You may be thinking,
"look at this Senator here,"

"taking advantage"

"of this opportunity"

"to get rid of his political opponent."

But no.

I am a guardian of human rights!

And this girl has rights.

And such big rights she has!

[PEPO:] Well, she has one left right,
one right right, and they’re phenomenal!

>> The point is, that we shall prove,

That this man, Pepo González,

On various occasions,

has harassed and sexually assaulted,
this poor girl.

I made it! Now’s the time!

[SECURITY GUARD:] No no no, Sir!
Excuse me!

You can’t come through here.

[TATO:] Don Fruto! Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Let him through, yeah!

>> Well, go on through.

>> Where in the world were you?!

[DON FRUTO:] Get over here.

I’m gonna tell you something.

Let this be the first and last time that
you come into my house and my kitchen,

to smell my little sausages, ya hear!?

>> OK, OK!

>> Now take this.

>> Huh?

>> Now let’s go serve some justice.
On with it!

[PEÑA COTTO:] In defense of Democracy,

Out of respect for Humanity,

[TATO:] With your permission – hic –
your missyship!

Or your ladyship,
whatever your status is.

I have a witness testimony to present in
defense of my defendant defended here!

[JUDGE:] Order! Order in the court!

>> In defense of Pepo González,
please, Don Fruto.

>> Order!

>> I, uh…

>> Look!

Sir.

[DON FRUTO:] Uh-huh?

>> Don’t you dare light
that thing in my courtroom!

>> It’s alright, missy, calm down!

Two ounces are legal, you know?

And that’s exactly what I’ve got left
on me, ya know?

Now, I’m here to denounce
these crooks right here,

Eh? 'Cuz they went
through all this mess,

to run out this here son-in-law of mine.

[PEÑA COTTO:] Please, your honor!

This man is not worth your pity.

Moreover, he hasn’t got an ounce
of credibility to him!

>> Ahh, right, that’s right, huh?!

Look, your honor,

he said it first, right? Look!

I have evidence, that these crooks
took me, that is kidnapped me,

So I wouldn’t show up
to show my evidence,

But look, I was recording!

Play it. Hit play.

[Screching noise]

[TONY, from recording:] that’s why
I had to mix him up in shit,

and they arrested him for
sexual assault and blackmail.

Now, he can’t be Senator
if he’s in prison.

Huh? Huh?!

[PEÑA COTTO, from recording:]
Thanks to people like you,

is why I decided to
go into public service.

And for two, other, reasons more.

[JUDGE:] Sir bailiffs, would you
be so kind as to, arrest both these…

individuals.

Mister Pepo González?

You’re dismissed.

[Cheers and applause]

CROWD: Pepo! Pepo! Pepo!

[PEPO:] Now they’re really screwed,’
cause those are the feds!

Estela, I don’t know what, but
something tells me

you have something to do with this,
right?

[ESTELA:] Uh, well, Ramírez del Prado
will have to give lots of explanations.

[TATO:] Yeah, but then so do we.

[PEPO:] Yeah, Tato’s right about that.

[ESTELA:] Oh?

>> Because, you know, we should
turn ourselves in too,

since we were also complicit.

>> No no no no no no no!

You don’t have anything
to worry about,

because we didn’t take a cent
from that crook.

>> What?

>> All the money we had coming in,

I put into the account for
"Friends of Peña Cotto",

Since I know how to
do his signature, well…

All our transactions
were done in his name!

Oh! And I might’ve made
a couple checks out from

"Friends of Peña Cotto"
to Ramírez del Prado.

So, we got two birds with one stone.

>> You’re bad!

>> Ah ha ha hah!

[TATO:] Wait wait wait. And the money?

>> Oh, from my family.
That’s where it came from, yeah.

Really, all I wanted to do was
prove to these whippersnappers,

who is the queen of the media spin!

And what do you know?

Done! I got my revenge.

That means now I can take a little
off-time in the Bahamas just to relax.

[PEPO:] You know, I’ve never been,
though I’d love to go, right?

>> Oh yes, I think you’d love it.
Yes, yes.

But really, what I’m looking for
right now is someone who would

join me to make me cocktails
while I lie down to sunbathe.

[TATO:] Oh Lord, I…
I know the perfect guy for the job!

>> Oh really?

Yes.

>> What time do I have to be
at the airport with my passport?

>> Now.

(Election Day)

[HOST:] My dear viewers,

Yes!

It’s clear! It’s clear now!

The trends show a blowout victory for…

[PEPO:] Oh hey.

You’re all still here?

Let’s go! Movies over.

To hell with you! Go home!

There’s no popcorn. Leave!

You’re gonna get screwed
in traffic later!

I mean, what were you expecting?

A happy ending where I’m elected?

Where I become a Senator?

To be honest, it isn’t all that hard
to be Senator in this country.

Any old catstripper can be Senator.

You don’t have to try so hard.

Our history proves this. Every year
there are more of them!

And each one with their Puki.

But I mean, can you imagine?!

Heh-heh… OK.

OK.

Man, you really do like
this politik bullshit.

But it’s because of characters
like this, like me,

So crooked,

Who get into politics,

That we’re as fucked
as we are right now.

But Raulito!

Give these peeps the happy ending,
so they go home happy!

Because in this country,
though we’re bankrupt,

and our politicians rob
even the nails off the Cross,

We’re always at the top in these
"happiest countries in the world" lists.

Run it!

[HOST:] My dear viewers,

Yes!

It’s clear! It’s clear now.

The trends show a blowout victory for…

Pepo González, Ladies and Gentlemen!

He’s the new independent
Senator at-large!

History has been made in Puerto Rico!
This is incredible!

[Cheering, campaign music]

♫ Booyahs here, booyahs there! ♫

♫ With booyahs and booing, ♫
♫ everything can work out! ♫

♫ On this magical island ♫
♫ that is so enchanting, ♫

♫ You can get a booyah, ♫
♫ for nearly nothing! ♫

♫ For nearly nothing! ♫

♫ For nearly nothing! ♫

♫ You can get a booyah, ♫
♫ for nearly nothing! ♫

[REPORTER:] What does it feel like
to make to be making history

as first elected independent Senator?

[PEPO:] Well, I’m very happy,
first of all,

And I want to thank my family,

My wife,

My friends, as they are,

And the people of Puerto Rico,
who put their trust in me.

And with this we prove, that what
for the rest of the world

is the FIFA World Cup,

and for Rio de Janeiro,
Brazil’s Carnival,

is for Puerto Ricans, politics!

♫ On this magical island ♫
♫ that is so enchanting, ♫

♫ You can get a booyah ♫
♫ For nearly nothing! ♫

♫ For nearly nothing! ♫

♫ For nearly nothing! ♫

♫ You can get a booyah, ♫
♫ for nearly nothing! ♫

♫ If the island tips over and, oof! ♫
♫ it falls down a ditch! ♫

♫ Everyone would hold hands, ♫
♫ and shout and cheer! ♫

♫ On this magical island ♫
♫ that is so enchanting, ♫

♫ You can get a booyah ♫
♫ For nearly nothing! ♫

♫ For nearly nothing! ♫

♫ For nearly nothing! ♫

♫ You can get a booyah ♫
♫ For nearly nothing! ♫

♫ And when in the Barrio, ♫
♫ you get people scheming, ♫

♫ They pretend to listen, ♫
♫ while screaming and cheering! ♫

♫ Booyahs here, booyahs there! ♫

♫ With booyahs and booing, ♫
♫ everything can work out! ♫

♫ Booyahs here, booyahs there! ♫

♫ With booyahs and booing, ♫
♫ everything can work out! ♫

[ANITA:] This is take one,
poquita parlito, baker.

[CLETO:] WAAAAAGH!

[PEPO:] Hey!

[CLETO:] WAAH!

[BEEP]

>> Wait until I’m bent over
to dry his head!

[PUKI:] Daddy’s capable of killing
over those pettitoes!

[DOÑA LIDI:] Well…

>> Did I say pettitoe?

>> But they’re sausages, not pettitoe.

>> The pettitoes…

>> It’s just that she makes
pettitoe with sausages.

[DOÑA GERTRUDIS:]
You need to have COJONES!

Mother of-

[PEPO:] You okay?!

No, I don’t know.
You tell me Missus Gertrudis.

>> That you need to have COJONES!
Open up!

Ah!

>> What’s your problem, blossom?

[KID:] Everybody come!
Selfie with Lancerhaaaa-

Lancerhaaaa-

Oh, sorry.

[PEPO:] What did you say?

Vote for me. I’m gonna shizz.

[ESTELA:] "For the good
of Puerto Ricans", "Families-" No.

[DIRECTOR:] ACTION!

>> "The Flams-"

[CLAPPER LOADER:]
Scene 71, Take 3, Cut A.

DIRECTOR: Action.

[ESTELA:] Your key — -ases

>> Let’s do another.

[LEMUEL:] In the past, candidates
have opted for these more
traditional gestures.

[TATO:] Yeah, yeah, I saw them.
And now what do we do?

>> Dude, why you gotta-

When he scores a trey- a three-pointer,

>> Uh-huh, uh-huh.

>> And below the symbol on the cross,
Pepo González!

>> Ah…

DIRECTOR: That’s fine!

[CLETO:] Hey, didn’t I- You- Blrgh!

Sorry.

Forgive me.

[ESTELA:] The first- the first…

Wretch who shows up!

And… I forgot my lines.

[REPORTER:] … being accused of
sexual harassment and…

God damn it.

[PEPO:] To hell with the fast foods!

To hell with Facebook!

And those red and yellow
poul- chi- you know what?

Let’s start again.

[PEPO:] And that’s my promise to you,
thank you.

Thank you, Sergio.

♫ Pepo’s humbleness! ♫
♫ And courageousness! ♫

♫ If you want a Senator ♫
♫ Who won’t just use us… ♫

♫ If you’ve lost your job, ♫
♫ Pepo understands you ♫

♫ Don’t go ask for foodstamps ♫
♫ 'Cause you know that's graceless. ♫

♫ Pepo for the Senate ♫
♫ Doesn’t that sound funny? ♫

♫ At his job in the Capitol ♫
♫ He’d be less than useless! ♫

♫ Pepo, Pepo, go vote for Pepo! ♫

♫ Filling that hole, that’s ♫
♫ In the folks’ souls! ♫

♫ Pepo, Pepo, go vote for Pepo! ♫

♫ Filling that hole, that’s ♫
♫ In the folks’ souls! ♫

♫ Pepo for the Senate! ♫
♫ Folks recommend him! ♫

♫ At his job in the Capitol ♫
♫ He’d be less than useless! ♫

♫ Pepo, Pepo, go vote for Pepo! ♫

♫ Filling that hole, that’s ♫
♫ In the folks’ souls! ♫

♫ Pepo, Pepo, go vote for Pepo! ♫

♫ Filling that hole, that’s ♫
♫ In the folks’ souls! ♫

♫ Pepo’s humbleness! ♫
♫ And courageousness! ♫

♫ Pepo, Pepo, go vote for Pepo! ♫