Penn & Teller Get Killed (1989) - full transcript
Penn & Teller enjoy playing jokes on each other. When Penn says on an interview show that he wishes he has someone threatening his life so that he "wouldn't sweat the small stuff," each of them begins a series of pranks on the other to suggest a real threat. Then they find that a real psychopath is interested in them.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
WARNER BROS., INC.
THESE HEADPHONES
ARE SOUNDING LOUSY.
OK.
OK, YOU GOT IT.
YOU GOT IT.
WE'RE ALL SET
UP HERE.
I DON'T HAVE
THE CHARTS.
THEY DON'T HAVE
THEME MUSIC.
MY NEPHEW HAD A SET
OF THOSE BOOTS,
SCREWED UP HIS BACK.
YOU GOT THE RING?
YEAH. RIGHT HERE.
CARDS?
FACE DOWN.
CUPCAKE?
WHAT?
ON YOUR LIST!
NOT MY LIST!
I DON'T CARE
WHOSE FAULT IT IS.
WE NEED A CUPCAKE.
WHY SHOULD I
HAVE ONE?
WE NEED IT
IN 20 SECONDS.
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
CHOCOLATE?
I GOT A BAGEL.
IT'S DINNER.
WHERE ARE THEY
GOING TO STAND?
THEY'RE NOT STANDING.
IF THEY'RE GOING TO
LOOK LIKE THEY'RE STANDING,
I CAN'T BE ON THE BIG ONE
AND HOLD THE LITTLE ONE.
REMEMBER, HEAD UP,
SHOULDERS DOWN.
NO, HEAD DOWN,
SHOULDERS UP.
WHATEVER.
THE LESS
WE LOOK LIKE FROGS,
THE BETTER
FOR OUR CAREER.
I GOT A BAGEL!
AT LEAST
IT'S ALLITERATIVE.
60 SECONDS.
TRY IT AGAIN.
1, 2, 3, 4.
♪ DONNY'S IS IN THE BASEMENT
MIXIN' UP THE MEDICINE ♪
♪ I'M ON THE PAVEMENT,
I'M THINKING ABOUT
THE GOVERNMENT ♪♪
THAT'S A GO.
GET IN PLACE.
YOU'RE NOT
TAPING UP THE WIRE?
THERE'S NO TIME.
GET THE HELL
UP THERE!
YOU WANT MY HEAD
TO EXPLODE.
TAPE THE WIRE!
IS THE COAT OK?
30 SECONDS!
TAPE THE WIRE!
IT'S DONE!
GET UP THERE, MORON!
I'M GOING UP.
THAT'S STICKING
STRAIGHT UP.
THANK YOU.
MAKE SURE TELLER'S OK.
OK. TELLER.
OH, I'M SORRY.
WHAT? AND GET OUT
OF SHOW BUSINESS?
15 SECONDS.
WHERE'S THE CUP?
BILLY? BILLY? CUP.
10 SECONDS.
CUE CARDS!
HOLD THEM STILL!
7, 6...
OK, WEEKEND LIVE
IS BACK!
YOU'RE HEARING
A BIT OF LAUGHTER IN THE STUDIO
BECAUSE MY NEXT GUESTS
ARE COMEDIANS PENN & TELLER.
GOOD EVENING.
MY NAME
IS PENN JILLETTE.
THIS IS
MY PARTNER TELLER.
WE THINK BEING FUNNY
IS NOT ENOUGH.
ENTERTAINERS
SHOULD TRY TO HAVE
SOME REAL SKILLS.
OUR REAL SKILL
IS MAGIC.
WE WILL PERFORM
THE BEST MAGIC
YOU'VE EVER SEEN,
SO AMAZING
YOU MAY THINK
IT'S SOME HIGH-TECH
ELECTRONIC TRICK.
TO PROVE TO YOU
THAT YOU AT HOME
WILL SEE EXACTLY
WHAT THE AUDIENCE
HERE IN THE STUDIO
IS SEEING,
I'LL BE ASKING
THE STUDIO AUDIENCE,
"ARE WE LIVE?"
IF THERE ARE
NO CAMERA EDITS,
BLUE SCREEN,
OR SPECIAL VIDEO EFFECTS,
I'LL ASK THE AUDIENCE
TO ANSWER, "YEAH!"
LET'S TRY IT.
EVERYTHING YOU'RE SEEING
IS LIVE.
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
YEAH!
MY PARTNER TELLER,
IN HIS SPARE TIME,
IS THE WORLD'S
GREATEST CARD MAGICIAN.
TELLER'S AMAZING
RISING CARD.
WOO! CAN WE SEE THAT
AGAIN, TELLER?
AND NOW,
TELLER'S RISING CARDS.
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
YEAH!
SEE IF YOU CAN SEE
STRINGS OR WIRES
AS I PERFORM
THE AMAZING BOUNCING BAGEL.
BOUNCES LIKE RUBBER
AND TASTES
LIKE MOM USED TO MAKE.
HE'S EATING IT!
LOOK!
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
YEAH!
AND NOW
FOR SOME SLEIGHT OF HAND.
WOULD YOU BRING
THE CAMERA IN CLOSE FOR THIS?
NOW YOU SEE IT...
NOW YOU DON'T.
NO CAMERA EDITS.
JUST GOOD OLD-FASHIONED
SLEIGHT OF HAND.
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
YEAH!
EVERY MAGIC SHOW NEEDS
LEVITATION OF A WOMAN,
WHICH WE, UNFORTUNATELY,
CANNOT AFFORD.
WE DO HAVE OUR OWN BEAUTIFUL
MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT
HEATHER HENNING.
WATCH CLOSELY.
YOU WON'T
BELIEVE YOUR EYES.
HOW DOES SHE DO IT?
HELIUM! THE DOLL
IS FULL OF HELIUM!
THANK YOU, MS. HENNING.
WE'LL CALL YOU.
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
YEAH!
AND NOW,
A CLASSIC OF MAGIC,
THE VANISHING
CORDLESS DRILL.
[WHIR]
[WHIR]
MY NAME
IS PENN JILLETTE.
THIS IS
MY PARTNER TELLER.
WE ARE COMEDIANS
AND THE WORLD'S BEST MAGICIANS.
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
YEAH!
EH EH EGH...
YEAH!
PENN & TELLER, HUH?
THAT WAS SOMETHING.
YOU GUYS LOOK
JUST AWFUL.
THANK YOU, BOB,
AND THAT'S
A REALLY UGLY TIE.
AT LEAST IT DOESN'T
MATCH MY FACE.
YOU WERE UP THERE
A LOT LONGER THAN
PEOPLE REALIZED.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN
UNCOMFORTABLE.
IT'S OUR JOB.
TELLER, WERE YOU
UNCOMFORTABLE?
IS HE OK?
WHO CARES?
YOU KNOW, PENN,
I WON'T EVEN ASK YOU
ABOUT THE HAIR,
BUT WHAT'S WITH
THE RED FINGERNAIL?
I SHOT A MAN FOR ASKING
PERSONAL QUESTIONS.
SO, TELLER, WHAT'S
THE STORY WITH YOU?
CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?
GOOD LUCK, BOB.
YOU GUYS ARE
ON TOP OF THE WORLD,
PLAYING TRUMP'S
CASINO--
IN ATLANTIC CITY
TILL JUNE 25th.
YOU GOT
YOUR PLUG IN.
WE'RE NOT HERE
FOR YOUR LOOKS.
WHAT IS
ALL THIS NONSENSE
ABOUT YOU EXPOSING
PSYCHIC SURGERY?
WHAT EXACTLY
IS PSYCHIC SURGERY?
CHEESY SLEIGHT OF HAND.
IF YOU LOSE FAITH
IN MODERN MEDICINE,
A NIGHTCLUB MAGICIAN
SQUIRTS SOME FAKE BLOOD
AND YOU'RE HEALED--
UNTIL YOU DIE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE
BELIEVE IN IT.
BEST REASON I KNOW
TO QUESTION SOMETHING.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE
IN ANYTHING.
NEXT TIME WE'RE ON,
WE'LL PULL TUMORS
OUT OF YOUR
BAND LEADER'S STOMACH.
YOU GOT ANY
TUMORS THERE?
IS THAT ALL RIGHT
WITH YOU, STEVE?
IT'S YOUR SHOW.
LET ME ASK YOU
A QUESTION.
DO YOU HAVE A LIFE?
DO YOU ONLY DO
CREEPY STUFF?
WHAT ABOUT FUN?
WE DON'T HAVE FUN.
WE JUST WORK.
HERE'S OUR FUN.
THAT'S AWFUL.
WE'VE GOT TO
FIND YOU A HOBBY.
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'D LIKE?
I WISH SOMEONE
WERE TRYING TO KILL ME.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
IT WOULD GIVE YOU
FOCUS TO YOUR LIFE,
EXCITEMENT, JAMES BOND
SECRET AGENT STUFF.
"I'D LOVE TO SEE
THAT FILM,
"BUT PEOPLE ARE
TRYING TO KILL ME.
"THAT WINDOW
OVER THE SINK,
THERE MIGHT
BE SNIPERS."
YOU WOULDN'T SWEAT
THE SMALL STUFF.
I WISH SOMEONE
WERE TRYING TO KILL ME.
OH!
WE'RE GOING TO BREAK
FOR A COMMERCIAL NOW,
BUT LET THEM KNOW
YOU'RE OK.
DON'T FORGET,
WE'LL BE AT ONE OF TRUMP'S
MANY CASINOS
IN ATLANTIC CITY
FOR THREE WEEKS
STARTING THIS FRIDAY.
THANKS, BOB.
THANKS A LOT, GUYS.
PENN & TELLER.
I AIN'T
LIFTING THAT.
IT'S EMPTY.
WE'RE GOING TO PUT HIM IN IT.
MAY I TALK TO YOU
ABOUT MY RELIGION?
INTERESTING YOU SHOULD
MENTION THAT.
WE HAVE
A RELIGION, TOO.
HOW LONG
WILL IT TAKE YOU
TO TALK ABOUT JESUS?
ABOUT 10 MINUTES.
MY PARTNER TELLER
WILL DEMONSTRATE
HIS RELIGION
WITH A FEW
CARD TRICKS.
DOES HIS RELIGION
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH JESUS?
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT
TILL THE END
AND FIND OUT.
SORRY.
I DON'T HAVE TIME.
WAIT!
YOU SAID TELLER?
IS THAT RIGHT?
AS IN PENN & TELLER?
YOU HAVE THE HAIR
AND FINGERNAIL.
YOU'RE PENN, RIGHT?
YES.
BANG! BANG!
PRETTY EXCITING, HUH?
DOES THAT MAKE
YOUR EMPTY, GODLESS LIFE
MORE WORTH LIVING?
CARLOTTA,
WHAT ARE THE EXACT
DEMOGRAPHICS
OF WEEKEND LIVE?
THE FLIGHT'S NOT
AT 12:50!
IT'S 12:15!
WE CAN MAKE IT!
LET'S GO!
COME ON, TELLER! GO!
WHERE IS IT?
GATE 12-H.
THAT'S THE OTHER END
OF THE TERMINAL!
LET'S GO THROUGH HERE!
COME ON!
WE CAN MAKE IT!
COME ON!
LET'S GO! LET'S GO!
COME ON.
GO. GO.
YOU OK, TELLER?
TICKETS?
SHE HAS THEM.
TAKE IT EASY, PENN.
WE GOT TWO MINUTES.
JUST GET
THE CARRY-ON STUFF.
[BUZZ]
SIR.
THAT'S ME?
THAT'S YOU.
KEYS? CARLOTTA
CARRIES THE KEYS.
MY KNIFE?
I KEEP IT BACKSTAGE.
[BUZZ]
WHAT THE HELL?
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH
YOUR FASCIST MACHINE!
[BUZZ]
MAYBE YOUR BOOTS.
THEY NEVER
SET IT OFF BEFORE.
MY BELT?
[BUZZ]
THE MACHINE
IS SHORTING OUT!
IT'S OUT
OF ITS MIND!
UNPLUG IT!
YOU'RE HOLDING UP
THE PLANE.
HAVE A PLATE
IN YOUR HEAD?
NO!
WANT ONE IN YOURS?
JOKE.
DO YOU HAVE
A METAL BUCKLE
ON YOUR VEST?
HOW DO THEY
ALWAYS FIND ME?
[BUZZ]
I HATE THAT!
YOUR MACHINE'S
HAYWIRE.
WE GOT A PLANE
TO CATCH.
AH!
YOU TRY IT.
WATCH! WATCH!
HE'S WEARING
THE SAME CLOTHES
AS I AM!
IT'S THE SAME
OUTFIT!
WE MATCH!
WE'RE LIKE TWINS!
IS MY SHIRT METAL?
TAKE THE SHIRT!
[BUZZ]
AAH!
HERE!
TAKE MY UNDERWEAR!
I WILL GO
TO PHILADELPHIA NAKED!
HA HA HA!
DID HE TAKE
HIS SHIRT OFF?
PENN!
WERE YOU DROPPING STUFF
IN MY POCKET
AND THEN
PULLING IT OUT
WHILE I WAS YELLING
AT THE GUARD?
I DIDN'T NOTICE
BECAUSE I WAS YELLING
AT AN INNOCENT WOMAN.
HA HA HA!
THAT'S GREAT.
WHEN IS THE FLIGHT?
YOU HAVE
HALF AN HOUR.
WE GOT YOU
SOME TEA.
I'M GOING TO
PUT MY TIE ON,
STRAIGHTEN UP,
AND APOLOGIZE
TO THE GUARD.
SHOULD I TIP HER?
I DON'T KNOW.
CARLOTTA,
I WAS YELLING
RIGHT IN HER FACE.
I'LL, UH...
I'LL BUY HER
A MAGAZINE
AT THE GIFT SHOP.
HA HA!
THAT'S GREAT.
NO HARD FEELINGS.
HA HA HA!
I WISH
I COULD HAVE
STAYED
TO SEE IT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THIS IS YOUR FINAL BOARDING CALL
FOR FLIGHT 78
TO PHILADELPHIA.
WE HAVE
TWO MINUTES EXACTLY.
GET HIM
OFF THE PHONE.
I'LL SEE YOU
ON THE PLANE.
WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT COOKIE?
WHO GAVE IT
TO YOU?
TELLER?
UH, TELLER?
YOU KNOW THAT
THUMBCUFF ESCAPE
THAT YOU'RE WORKING ON?
WHEN YOU'RE
PICKING THE LOCK,
YOUR ELBOWS
GIVE YOU AWAY.
LET ME SHOW YOU
WHAT I MEAN, OK?
GIVE ME
THE OTHER THUMB.
I'VE FILLED
THE KEYHOLES WITH GLUE.
YOU'LL BE PREPARED
IF WE GET A PSYCHO.
I'LL SEE YOU
ON THE PLANE.
DON'T LET SECURITY
SEE THE FAKE GUN.
NO HARD FEELINGS?
THAT MAN
HAS A GUN.
THAT MAN STANDING
RIGHT OVER THERE
HAS A GUN.
SLOWLY RAISE
YOUR HANDS.
SLOW.
KEYS ARE AT
THE METAL DETECTOR,
BUT A STEADY HAND
WILL SAVE...
UH.
YOU GOT TO TAKE
THE HELICOPTER?
I'LL PAY FOR HALF.
NO HARD FEELINGS?
WEEKEND LIVE
IS A YOUTH-ORIENTED SHOW.
THERE, PENN & TELLER
DO MATERIAL
WITH SHOCK APPEAL.
THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT
AT YOUR DINNER THEATER.
NO, NO, NO.
THE BAD ATTITUDE WAS
JUST FOR THAT ONE SHOW.
THAT'S IN ADDITION
TO THE GUARANTEE.
YOU PICK UP
THE EXPENSES.
IF THERE'S
A FRIDGE BACKSTAGE,
THEY LIKE COLA
AND YOO-HOOS.
THANKS.
BY THE WAY, HOW IS
LITTLE JOSHUA?
TELLER CAN'T WAIT
TO TEACH HIM SOME
NEW CARD TRICKS.
YEP.
SEE YOU NEXT MONTH.
THE "I WISH
SOMEONE WERE TRYING
TO KILL ME" BIT
ISN'T PLAYING
IN THE MIDWEST.
LOCK IT?
TELLER'S GOT IT.
MY RIGHT HAND
IS SPEEDING UP
THE 10 DEADLY
POWER DRILLS.
MY LEFT HAND
IS LOWERING
THE DRILL RACK
ONTO TELLER.
YOU WITNESSED HIM BEING
TIED TO THE TORTURE TABLE.
NOW WITNESS
HIS SELF-LIBERATION.
LIKE THE GREAT
HARRY HOUDINI,
TELLER COULD EXPAND
THE MUSCLE OF HIS WRIST
WHILE HE WAS
BEING TIED.
IT'S SIMPLE TO CONTRACT
THOSE SAME MUSCLES
AND EXTRICATE
HIS LEFT WRIST.
WITH THE LEFT HAND
COMPLETELY FREE,
HE MUST UNTIE HIS ANKLES,
WHILE AVOIDING
THE EVER-DESCENDING DRILLS
AS I CRANK THEM NOW
TO 90% OF THEIR FULL VELOCITY.
HE FLIPS OFF BOTH HIS SHOES,
FREEING HIS ANKLES.
NOW THE CHEST STRAP,
USED TO SUBDUE
THE CRIMINALLY INSANE.
HE'S OUT OF IT
FASTER THAN I SPEAK.
ONLY HIS
RIGHT WRIST REMAINS.
HE HAS BOTH HANDS
ELIMINATING THE ONE LAST KNOT
THAT BINDS HIM
TO THE TABLE OF DEATH.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
NOW, YOUR GRACIOUS,
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!
AAH!
UNH.
YOU HEARD ME SAYING
WHERE HE WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
HE WAS STUCK?
I WAS JUST
SUPPOSED TO COUNT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS
SAY ANYTHING?
HOW CLOSE WAS HE?
I DON'T THINK
HE GOT OUT
OF ANYTHING.
WHAT KIND OF KNOTS
DID YOU TIE?
YOU TOLD US
TO TIE HIM UP TIGHTLY.
YEAH, I GUESS.
WELL, IT'S KIND OF STUPID
HOLDING THESE ROPES NOW.
WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
THANKS A LOT.
HE DIDN'T EVEN
LOOSEN IT.
THANKS. OVER THERE.
UH, YOU, TOO.
SIT DOWN.
OH, THANK YOU.
SORRY.
YOU WERE THE ONE
THAT WANTED TO GET KILLED.
SHUT UP,
YOU ASSHOLE.
WELL, YOU WIN SOME,
YOU LOSE SOME.
THAT'S THE SHOW.
I'M PENN JILLETTE.
THIS WAS MY PARTNER TELLER.
GOOD NIGHT.
MY PARTNER TELLER.
WHAT DO YOU
AND TELLER
REALLY HATE
ABOUT MAGIC?
TELLER COULD ANSWER
BETTER THAN ME.
I THOUGHT
TELLER WAS DEAD.
DON'T PATRONIZE ME.
I HAVE TO GET HIM
OUT OF THE RIG.
CAN WE COME ALONG?
NO. ALTHOUGH WE'RE
THE BAD BOYS OF MAGIC,
WE WOULD NEVER KNOWINGLY EXPOSE
A REAL MAGIC PRINCIPLE.
THE LOCAL TV STATION
WANTS TO KNOW
WHAT WE HATE
ABOUT MAGIC.
CARLOTTA WANTS
CHINESE FOOD.
IS THAT OK?
I'LL CLEAN UP
THE TABLE.
YOU GO SHOW TV
WHAT WE HATE ABOUT MAGIC.
PENN SAID
YOU WOULD TELL US
WHAT YOU TWO
HATE ABOUT MAGIC.
YOU GOING TO
PUT UP WITH THAT?
NO! I MEAN, YEAH!
I CAN'T CLOCK A GUY
FOR GIVING ME MONEY.
I WOULD.
JUST ANOTHER
EXAMPLE OF THE PIG
POWER STRUCTURE
THROWING
WORTHLESS TRINKETS
TO THE PROLETARIAT.
COMMIE BASTARD!
I'LL SHOW YOU
DISTRIBUTION
OF WEALTH!
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S MY MONEY
YOU'RE THROWING!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEY!
HEY!
AH, THE REVOLUTION!
STARTING IN THE MOST
UNLIKELY OF PLACES!
TRUMP CASINO,
ATLANTIC CITY!
WE'VE BEEN DOWNTRODDEN
LONG ENOUGH!
WE WILL TAKE
NO MORE MONEY FROM THE PIGS!
A WORKING-CLASS HERO
IS SOMETHING TO BE!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
IF YOU'D BEEN THERE,
YOU WOULDN'T BE MAD.
IT WAS GREAT.
TELLER GOT PEOPLE
THROWING MONEY
AT EACH OTHER.
HE MADE $4.75.
AND YOU GOT THROWN OUT
OF THE CASINO.
IT WAS A STUPID IDEA!
IT WAS
TELLER'S IDEA.
TABLE FOR TWO?
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
WHEN PEOPLE TALK
A FOREIGN LANGUAGE,
YOU ALWAYS THINK
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
HE WANTED TO KNOW
IF YOU WERE
THE BIG YANKEE
SON OF A HOOKER
THAT ASKED PEOPLE
TO KILL HIM.
YES, I AM.
THE BIG YANKEE
SON OF A HOOKER
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND
WOULD LIKE
A COUPLE OF COLAS.
ORDER ME
SOMETHING EXOTIC
NOT MADE FROM
A COW'S STOMACH.
THAT WAS GREAT.
PENN & TELLER
ARE BREAKING INTO
THE HISPANIC COMMUNITY.
THEY RECOGNIZE YOU
AS THE CRAZY
SON OF A BITCH
THAT ASKED PEOPLE
TO KILL HIM.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
OH, VERY GOOD.
GRACIAS.
HOW DO YOU SAY
"SON OF A HOOKER?"
HIJO DE PUTA.
NOW I CAN SAY
"THANK YOU,"
"SON OF A BITCH,"
AND "THE DOG
IS BIG AND BLACK."
I'M BECOMING
A WORLD CITIZEN.
SO, WHAT'S UP
WITH YOUR UNCLE?
HE'S REALLY SICK.
HE HAS
AN ABDOMINAL TUMOR.
WILL HE BE OK?
THEY CAN CURE IT
WITH SURGERY
AND RADIATION,
BUT HE REFUSES
TO GO INTO
THE HOSPITAL.
HE WANTS
A PSYCHIC SURGEON
TO WORK ON HIM.
SO HE BOUGHT THE SCAM
FROM RIPOFF MAGICIANS.
I WANT YOU
TO CONVINCE HIM
THEY'RE FAKE.
WHY DON'T YOU?
HE'S YOUR UNCLE.
GIVE HIM
ARTICLES TO READ.
HE'S VERY WEALTHY.
I'D HATE TO SEE HIM
LOSE ALL HIS MONEY
TO CHARLATANS.
I'M HIS CLOSEST
RELATIVE.
IF WE CAN SAVE
JUST ONE HUMAN LIFE--
ERNESTO HASN'T
MET TELLER, HAS HE?
NO.
GOOD.
TELL HIM I'VE GOT
A TUMOR, TOO,
AND THERE'S
A BETTER PSYCHIC SURGEON
IN ATLANTIC CITY--
DR. TELLERO.
"TAY-ER-O."
"TAY-ER-O."
WHAT'S THIS?
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
LOOKS GOOD.
AH, OW! OW!
OW! AH!
OH!
GROSS!
OH, MY GOODNESS!
WHOA, DOC!
WHAT A RELIEF!
THANKS.
SEE? ALL BETTER.
EXACTLY WHAT KIND
OF TUMOR THAT WAS?
UH, A VERY BAD ONE.
HE DOESN'T SPEAK
ENGLISH OR SPANISH.
HE ONLY SPEAKS
DE GAULLEIC.
YOU HAVE...
A VERY
REMARKABLE GIFT!
NO.
WHAT?
YOU'RE JUST
A PATIENT, PENN.
YEP.
THE PATIENT IS PENN,
AND THE DOCTOR IS
MY PARTNER TELLER.
TELLER?
IS THIS A JOKE?
I CAN'T BELIEVE...
YOU WOULD JOKE
ABOUT THIS.
IT'S NOT A JOKE,
ERNESTO.
WE WANTED
TO PROVE TO YOU
THAT PSYCHIC
SURGEONS ARE FAKES.
WE'RE GOING
TO SHOW YOU
HOW IT'S DONE.
SEE THIS FINGER?
YOU AREN'T
BORN WITH THAT.
YOU'VE GOT TO
BUY IT.
IT'S FULL OF CHICKEN
BLOOD AND GUTS.
WATCH.
DISGUSTING.
IF THAT DOESN'T SEEM
LIKE ENOUGH BLOOD,
USE ONE
OF THESE SPONGES.
THEY MAKE IT
LOOK LIKE THERE'S
A LOT MORE BLOOD.
STAY AWAY
FROM THOSE PSYCHICS.
GET YOURSELF
TO A REAL HOSPITAL.
I'LL TELL THAT BASTARD
WHERE HE CAN STICK
HIS RUBBER FINGER.
SO, DAVE,
TONIGHT WE'RE
GOING TO BE USING
SOME STANDARD
HOUSEHOLD ITEMS.
WE HAVE DRAIN CLEANER--
A STAPLE UNDER
THE LETTERMAN SINK--
AND A PIECE
OF RAW CHICKEN.
GO AHEAD, TELLER.
MM-MMM.
ISN'T THAT
A PRETTY THING, HUH?
YOU'VE SEEN
WHAT A TEASPOON
OF DRAIN CLEANER
DOES TO RAW CHICKEN--
TELLER,
DON'T DO THAT!
DAVE, HOLD YOUR
HAND OUT HERE.
HOLD YOUR HAND
OUT HERE.
WE CAN COUNT ON DAVE
TO BE FREAKED THERE.
HE'LL ALSO
SAY SOMETHING FUNNY.
DON'T BE
A WIMP, DAVE.
"I'M NOT A WIMP,"
OR FUNNY WORDS
TO THAT EFFECT.
TELLER, MAN,
IT AIN'T WORKING.
I CAN SEE THE TAB
ON YOUR MOUTH.
YEAH. ARE YOU OK
ON THIS?
WOULD YOU NOTICE
THE PLASTIC?
NO, I'D BE WORRYING
ABOUT MY HAND,
BUT THE CAMERA
MIGHT NOTICE.
OK, LET'S GO
FROM THERE.
HOLD YOUR HAND
VERY STILL, DAVE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
HI, GUYS.
WE'RE A LITTLE BUSY
RIGHT NOW.
LET'S KEEP GOING.
THEY'LL GO AWAY.
NO, PENN,
THEY'RE NOT LEAVING.
WHAT'S UP?
YOU MUST BE THE BIG ONE
WITH THE HAIR.
IS HE THE ONE
THAT DOESN'T TALK?
WHO'S SHE?
UH, YEAH,
I'M THE BIG ONE
WITH THE HAIR,
AND HE DOESN'T
TALK RIGHT NOW
BECAUSE HIS MOUTH
IS FULL OF
DRAIN CLEANER.
THIS IS CARLOTTA.
SHE'S PRETENDING TO
BE DAVID LETTERMAN.
SHE'S HISPANIC,
AND SHE'S OUR FRIEND.
HOLA.
NOW IT'S MY TURN.
YOU HAVE THE SCORPION
ON YOUR NECK.
HE'S THE FAT ONE.
WHO IS THIS GENTLEMAN?
DID YOU BOZOS
CONVINCE ERNESTO GARCIA
TO CANCEL
HIS PSYCHIC SURGERY
IN MANILA?
YEAH, BUT SOME CREDIT
GOES TO THE FACT
THAT HE HAS A BRAIN.
MY BROTHER IS
THE LEADING PSYCHIC
SURGEON IN MANILA,
AND WE CAN'T HAVE
SMART-ASS SCUM LIKE YOU
DEFAMING THE NAME
OF A GREAT HEALER.
UH...BETTER TAKE
THE DRAIN CLEANER
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
THIS IS, UH...
THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS.
HA HA HA!
YEAH, WE ARE
SMART-ASS SCUM,
AND WE'RE VERY SORRY
FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
WE MAY HAVE CAUSED
YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
WOULD YOU GUYS
LIKE A BEVERAGE?
YOU'RE SPINELESS...
REPULSIVE...SLIMY...
YEAH. YEAH.
VERY SLIMY.
HEY, THESE GUYS
ARE WEAK.
THEY'RE OF
NO CONSEQUENCE TO US.
NO WAY.
JESUS CHRIST!
WHO IS THIS JERK?
DON'T BE TROUBLED.
WE'LL BEAT HIM UP
FOR YOU.
SO LONG, GUYS.
KICK HIM!
HEY, WAIT.
THESE GUYS ARE TROUBLE.
BETTER BRING THEM BACK
TO THE DOCTOR.
DO WHAT YOU WANT
TO THE GIRL,
BUT LEAVE ME ALONE.
LET'S GO.
I WAS GOING
TO RESCUE YOU LATER!
THE BOSS
ISN'T INTERESTED
IN THE GIRL.
NO, BUT I AM.
JUST MAKE SURE
SHE TALKS TO NO ONE!
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
DOES SHE THINK
SHE CAN GET AWAY
AND TALK
TO THE POLICE?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO?
Teller?
Are you here, Teller?
Now, what she
probably meant
when she nodded
was that we should
just cooperate,
do what
they want us to.
That must be
what she meant.
Are you even here,
Teller?
I trust,
in this desperate,
important situation,
with me blindfolded
like this,
you'd say something,
right?
Like some
appropriate warning
if I were
in immediate danger.
You do know
I'm blindfolded,
and we're talking
life or death here.
SO--SO TO YELL
A COUPLE OF WORDS
WOULDN'T HURT
YOUR IMAGE AT ALL.
WE SHOULD HAVE
A UNIFIED STRATEGY.
YOUR NOT TALKING
WHEN I CAN SEE YOU
IS IRRITATING
AND TIRESOME,
BUT WITH ME BLINDFOLDED,
IT'S EXASPERATING.
IF I WERE YOU
AND BLINDFOLDED
WITH NO IDEA
WHAT'S GOING ON,
I'D BE CHATTERING
A BLUE STREAK.
OK. LET'S TRY THIS.
YOU WHISTLE ONCE FOR YES
AND TWICE FOR NO.
TELLER?
ARE YOU HERE WITH ME?
ARE YOU
BLINDFOLDED, TOO?
I KNOW
YOU CAN WHISTLE.
I'VE HEARD YOU WHISTLE.
OH.
ARE THERE
OTHER PEOPLE HERE?
ARE YOU GAGGED?
YOU DO KNOW
I'M BLINDFOLDED, RIGHT?
IF YOU'RE GAGGED,
TAP YOUR FINGERS.
ONCE AGAIN,
ONCE FOR YES,
AND TWICE FOR NO.
TELLER?
DID YOU MAKE
THAT CLANGING SOUND?
THAT WAS ONCE.
THAT MEANS YES.
NOW, IS THAT YES,
YOU'RE HERE WITH ME,
OR YES, YOU'RE
BLINDFOLDED,
OR YES, YOU'RE GAGGED?
I HATE YOU.
Oh, I see.
SO YOU TWO WISEACRES
DO NOT BELIEVE
THAT I KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT MEDICINE?
DID HE CALL US
WISEACRES?
I WILL NOW
GIVE YOU PROOF
BY REMOVING
TELLER'S LIVER.
SCALPEL.
UM...AHEM...
YO...UH...UH...
iHIJO DE PUTA!
SO, MR. HIJO DE PUTA,
ARE YOU GOING TO SLIP
A PIG'S LIVER
UNDER TELLER'S SHIRT?
ANY TWO-BIT FILIPINO
CRUISE SHIP MAGICIAN
WITH A FAKE FINGER
FULL OF PIG GUTS
COULD DO THAT.
I THINK YOU WILL FIND
MY DEMONSTRATION
QUITE CONVINCING.
OH, YEAH,
HIJO DE PUTA?
IF YOU DON'T
SHUT YOUR MOUTH,
I MAY HAVE
TO DEMONSTRATE
TO YOUR LITTLE FRIEND
HOW TO REMOVE
A LIVING LARYNX
WITH A PAIR
OF RUSTY PLIERS!
NO PROBLEM.
NO PROBLEM.
FORCEPS!
iHIJO DE PUTA!
THAT'S IT.
I WILL NOW LEAVE YOU
WITHOUT YOUR VOICE BOX!
ERRRR!
NO. THAT'S TOO GOOD
FOR HIM.
I WANT
TO HEAR HIM SCREAM!
LET'S CUT
HIS STOMACH FIRST.
UH, SO, UH, YOU ORIGINALLY
FROM THE PHILIPPINES?
YOUR ENGLISH
IS VERY, VERY GOOD,
BUT YOU HAVE TROUBLE
WITH YOUR Bs AND Vs.
LISTEN TO ME
A LITTLE--
"I CAN'T REMEMBER
IF I CRIED
"WHEN I READ ABOUT
HIS WIDOWED BRIDE,
"BUT SOMETHING TOUCHED ME
DEEP INSIDE
THE DAY
THE MUSIC DIED."
HE'S CRAZY.
"BYE, BYE,
MISS AMERICAN PIE.
DROVE MY CHEVY
TO THE LEVEE--"
HEAR THOSE Vs?
IT'S NOT
"CHEBY TO THE LEBEE,"
BUT "CHEVY
TO THE LEVEE,
BUT THE LEVEE WAS DRY,
AND STARTED SINGING"
♪ BYE, BYE,
MISS AMERICAN PIE ♪♪
"AND THE JESTER SANG
FOR THE KING AND QUEEN
"IN A COAT HE BORROWED
FROM JAMES DEAN
"IN A VOICE WHICH CAME
FROM YOU AND ME!
"JACK BE NIMBLE,
JACK BE QUICK,
"JACK FLASH SAT
ON A CANDLESTICK
'CAUSE FIRE IS
THE DEVIL'S ONLY FRIEND!"
RAZOR.
EVERYBODY KNOWS JACK FLASH
REFERS TO MICK JAGGER.
JUMPING JACK FLASH,
WITH THE DEVIL--
IT'S ALL THERE.
BUT I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT
THE JESTER WAS BOB DYLAN!
WHAT IS BOB DYLAN?
"THE OUTLOOK
WASN'T BRILLIANT
"FOR THE MUDVILLE NINE
THAT DAY.
THE SCORE STOOD
4-2--"
DOC, THIS ONE HAS
A SURPRISE ENDING!
KNOCK, KNOCK!
KNOCK, KNOCK?
I NEVER BELIEVED
THOSE LETTERS
TO PENTHOUSE,
BUT I WAS FLYING
INTO NEW YORK,
AND THERE WERE IDENTICAL
TWIN BLOND STEWARDESSES!
EITHER ONE!
JUST GO! GO! DO IT!
THEY WERE BOTH
SITTING NAKED ON MY BED,
AND THEY WERE FONDLING
EACH OTHER'S BREASTS,
AND SUDDENLY, THEY TOLD ME
WHERE THEY'D HIDDEN
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
WORTH OF GOLD!
AAAAAAAH!
SURPRISE!
AAAGH.
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
THIS IS
A GREAT JOKE.
I WENT ON TV
AND SAID THAT I, UH,
WISH SOMEONE WERE TRYING
TO KILL ME,
AND MY LITTLE BUDDY
STAGED THIS FOR ME.
LET ME UP. I'D LIKE
TO SHAKE HIS HAND.
JUST A COUPLE
OF FAKE EYEBROWS,
AND YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE
UNCLE ERNESTO.
YOU'RE GULLIBLE.
I LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN SICK.
COURSE NOT. I FEEL GREAT.
I'M NOT SICK.
CARLOTTA SAID
YOU LOVE THESE JOKES.
NO HARD FEELINGS.
YOU WERE
IN ON THIS, TOO?
WHY DON'T YOU
UNTIE MY ARMS?
I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU
A HUG AND A KISS.
I WASN'T KIDDING.
THOSE TWIN
FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
WERE TERRIFIC!
YUM!
OK, OK.
COME ON, COME ON.
YOU GUYS READY
TO EAT?
TELLER WANTS
CHINESE FOOD.
THAT COOL WITH YOU?
LET'S GO.
WE GOT TO SEE
THIS SHOW AT CAESARS.
THIS COMIC DOES THIS BIT
ON SHIRLEY MacLAINE.
HE'S TALKING ABOUT
WHAT A NUT SHE IS
AND HOW SHE HAS
THESE UNCANNY,
CREEPY FEELINGS--
[GUNSHOT]
OW! AAH! GOD!
OH, GOD!
AAH! AH. AH.
YOU STICKING
YOUR FINGER IN
TO SEE HOW DEEP IT IS?
THE SHOT CAME
FROM UP THERE.
I'LL STAY HERE
COWERING AND SCREAMING.
HEY, GO BE A HERO.
OW. AH.
GOT YOU
IN THE ARM, HUH?
YOU WERE LUCKY.
NO, I'M NOT LUCKY.
I GOT SHOT.
GETTING SHOT
IS NOT LUCKY.
LUCKY IS WINNING
THE LOTTERY.
WITH THAT HAIR
AND THAT FINGERNAIL,
AREN'T YOU THE GUY
THAT GOES ON TV
AND ASKS PEOPLE
TO TRY TO KILL HIM?
I DIDN'T ASK PEOPLE
TO KILL ME.
I SAID I WISHED
SOMEONE WERE TRYING
TO KILL ME.
YOU SAID THAT
ON NATIONAL TV?
WHAT AN ASSHOLE.
I'D LIKE TO BLOW
YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT.
YOU'RE LUCKY
I DON'T HAVE A GUN.
YUP, I'M THE LUCKIEST
MAN IN THE WORLD.
MR. LUCKY
JUST GOT SHOT.
IT'S PROBABLY
ALL FOR THE BEST.
MAYBE NOW
YOU'LL THINK TWICE
ABOUT SAYING
STUPID SHIT ON TV.
IF I HAD A GUN,
I'D BLOW YOUR ASS OFF
RIGHT NOW!
SHUT UP! JESUS!
OW!
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
SHUT UP!
DID YOU PAY OFF
YOUR SICK FRIEND
WITH THE GUN?
YOU WERE TOO ANXIOUS
TO RUN AFTER HIM.
YOU'RE NOT THAT BRAVE.
THAT'S WHERE
YOUR LITTLE JOKE
FELL APART.
PENN, SHUT UP!
YOU SHUT UP, TOO!
YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!
THIS IS SERIOUS!
YOU'VE CROSSED
FROM PLEASANT ECCENTRICS
TO DANGEROUS
PSYCHOPATHS.
I'M TAKING YOU
ON A ROMANTIC RIDE
TO THE HOSPITAL.
GO LAUGH ALONE
AT YOUR LAST
PRACTICAL JOKE!
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
GET AWAY FROM US!
HOW MUCH LONGER
AM I GOING TO
FOLLOW THIS GUY?
YOU TIED ME
TO AN OPERATING TABLE,
FORCED UNCLE ERNESTO
TO GO AT MY THROAT.
THAT WAS FUNNY.
BUT NOW I'VE BEEN
SHOT IN THE ARM.
ONLY A SICK INDIVIDUAL
WOULD FIND THAT FUNNY.
CARLOTTA'S RIGHT
ABOUT YOU, MAN.
YOU'RE ARE TURNING
INTO A GOD DAMN PSYCHO.
SHE'S REALLY MAD AT YOU.
SHE WON'T TALK TO YOU
TILL YOU APOLOGIZE.
[BANG]
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
MY LITTLE FRIEND--
THAT BETTER HAVE BEEN
A BLANK POWDER CHARGE
OVER BY THE WINDOW
AND A SQUIB
BEHIND THAT MIRROR
BECAUSE IF YOU HIRED
SOMEONE TO FIRE A REAL GUN,
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S FUNNY.
ACTUALLY, A BLANK
AND A SQUIB
IS ONLY MILDLY FUNNY.
THIS IS NOT
A KNEE-SLAPPER.
THIS IS THE END
OF THE JOKE.
MY ARM IS SORE,
SO WHY DON'T YOU
SWEEP UP THIS GLASS,
O COMEDY KING.
I'M GOING
TO TELL CARLOTTA
ABOUT THE SQUIB.
SHE'LL TALK TO YOU
WHEN IT'S CHILLY IN HELL.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
SHE'S ENJOYING
YOUR JOKES.
[BANG]
AAH!
OH! HA HA HA!
IT ISN'T YOU, IS IT?
MEMOIRS OF THE HUNTED,
PAGE 3.
SOON, 150 PUSHUPS
A DAY.
EVERY STRANGER
A POTENTIAL...
ASSASSIN.
I'M SMOKING TOO MUCH
AND DRINKING
MUCH TOO MUCH...
COLA.
AHH.
I MUST STAY ALERT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[RHYTHMIC KNOCKING]
WERE YOU FOLLOWED?
MEMOIRS OF THE HUNTED,
PAGE 4.
I'M RUNNING A FEVER
ALL THE TIME.
EVERY CELL
OF MY BODY
LONGS TO LIVE
ITS FINAL MOMENTS
TO THE FULLEST.
I NEVER NOTICED
HOW BEAUTIFUL
THE BLUE LINES ON
A YELLOW LEGAL PAD ARE.
I HAVEN'T SLEPT
IN SO LONG
THAT I'M...
UH.
REALLY TIRED.
DEATH ROW,
MAIN STREET--
IT'S ALL THE SAME
TO ME NOW.
I HAVE ENTERED
A DIFFERENT WORLD,
A WORLD OF JUNKIES,
BUGGERS,
PROSTITUTES, HUNTERS,
AND ME--THE HUNTED.
SHUFFLING OFF
THIS MORTAL COIL
IS LONELY.
I WILL DIE ALONE,
EVEN THOUGH FATS
IS HERE WITH ME.
I'M JUST
CALLING YOU FATS
SO THEY DON'T KNOW
IT'S YOU.
I DON'T WANT
YOU STIFFED, TOO.
MEMOIRS OF THE HUNTED,
PAGE 211.
I'M BEGINNING
TO KNOW MY MURDERER
LIKE I KNOW MYSELF,
BUT I DON'T FEEL HATE--
NOT FOR HIM.
THE HATE I FEEL
IS FOR THE DO-GOODERS,
LIKE THAT DO-GOODER
THAT CALLED THE COPS.
WE DON'T NEED
SOME FLATFOOT.
WHY CAN'T THEY LEAVE
FATS AND ME ALONE
TO VANQUISH THE DRAGON
OF OUR VANISHED DREAMS?
ANY MORE
COCOA PUFFS?
WHERE ARE
THE GOD DAMN POLICE?
WE COULD
HAVE BEEN KILLED
THREE TIMES OVER
BY NOW.
THE COP...
WAS A GOODY TWO SHOES,
ALL RIGHT.
HE HAD...
ONE OF THOSE FACES...
LIKE THE INSIDE
OF A PORK SAUSAGE
AFTER YOU INJECT IT
WITH WATER
FROM A HYPODERMIC
NEEDLE--
ALL FULL OF
BOURGEOIS LOYALTY.
HE WAS GOING TO BE
A BIG HELP.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
ARE YOU PENN?
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
DONE THAT, PENN.
NOW YOU'RE REALLY
IN TROUBLE.
CALL THE POLICE STATION.
SO THAT'S WHAT'S
GOING TO DO IN
MY ARCH NEMESIS--
HER OWN DESIRE
TO BE PUNISHED.
WHAT?
I'M OFFICER McNAMARA,
37th PRECINCT.
YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE THAT
ASKED PEOPLE TO KILL HIM,
AND THIS WIMP
IS SOME PATHETIC PSYCHO
TRYING TO CARRY OUT
YOUR WISH.
THE PATHETIC PSYCHO
IS MY PARTNER TELLER.
HE WASN'T
TRYING TO KILL ME.
HE WAS TRYING
TO PROTECT ME.
THIS IS GREAT.
I THOUGHT THEY'D SEND
SOME FAT GUY
WHO ATE DOUGHNUTS.
KEEP YOUR HAND ON
YOUR GOD DAMN GUN.
KEEP IT ON THE GUN.
I THOUGHT
YOU WERE A PROFESSIONAL.
WHY ARE WE WALKING?
[SCREECHING TIRES]
SO WHAT IS IT,
THE SLAMMER FOR ME?
NO TELLING HOW FAR
THIS WACKO WILL GO.
THE P.D. CANNOT AFFORD
TO PUT EVERY ASSHOLE
THAT WANTS TO GET KILLED
IN MAXIMUM SECURITY.
I HAVE THE RIGHT
TO GO TO PRISON.
YOU DO
ONE THING ILLEGAL,
I'LL BLOW YOUR FACE
ALL OVER THE UPHOLSTERY.
OK, IF YOU'RE NOT
TAKING ME TO PRISON,
WHERE ARE YOU
TAKING ME?
MY PLACE.
YOU'LL BE SAFE THERE.
WHERE IS YOUR PLACE?
TELLER,
GET THE BAGS, HUH?
YOU'RE GOING TO
KEEP ME ON A BOAT?
OK!
WELL, HERE WE ARE.
HOME SWEET HOME.
HOW LONG
WILL WE BE HERE?
TILL WE
CATCH THAT CREEP.
MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE.
WOULD YOU LIKE
A COLA?
YEAH, THANKS.
YOU GOT A YOO-HOO
FOR TELLER?
YEAH,
IN THE FRIDGE.
HELP YOURSELF.
YOU LIKE
THE VELVET UNDERGROUND?
YEAH. LOVE THEM.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
THEY'RE THE BEST.
I HAD SUCH A CRUSH
ON NICO.
I'VE ALWAYS
BEEN A SUCKER
FOR CLASSY EUROTRASH
IN SUNGLASSES.
♪ YOU BETTER
WATCH YOUR STEP... ♪
I DON'T WEAR THEM
TO LOOK LIKE
THE HIGHWAY PATROL.
YOU LOOK SO MUCH
LESS LIKE A COP.
♪ IT'S TRUE ♪
OH, DON'T WORRY.
♪ IT'S NOT HARD
TO REALIZE ♪
YOU'RE STILL
IN GOOD HANDS.
♪ JUST LOOK INTO
HER FALSE-COLORED EYES ♪
♪ SHE'LL BUILD YOU UP ♪
♪ TO JUST
PUT YOU DOWN... ♪
WE GOT SOME TIME
TO KILL.
♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY
KNOWS... ♪
WITH THE VELVETS PLAYING,
I LIKE TO WATCH
THE THREE STOOGES.
OH, I LOVE
THE STOOGES.
REALLY?
MOST WOMEN DON'T.
MOST WOMEN I'VE MET
JUST THINK THEY'RE STUPID.
OH, I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE STUPID.
I THINK
THEY'RE SEXY.
VELVET UNDERGROUND,
THE THREE STOOGES,
COLA BEVERAGE--I'M SET.
♪ SHE'S GOING TO SMILE ♪
♪ TO MAKE YOU FROWN ♪
♪ WHAT A CLOWN ♪
♪ LOOK AT HER,
SHE'S ON THE STREET ♪
♪ BEFORE YOU START,
YOU'RE ALREADY BEAT ♪
♪ SHE'S GOING TO PLAY YOU
FOR A FOOL... ♪
TELLER.
NO ONE'S TRYING
TO KILL YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK
TO THE HOTEL
AND SEE IF
WE LEFT ANYTHING THERE.
TAKE THE CAR.
WE DON'T NEED IT.
YEAH. SEE A MOVIE
OR SOMETHING.
GIVE A CALL
BEFORE YOU COME BACK.
JUST SO WE DON'T THINK
YOU'RE THE BAD GUY.
WOULDN'T WANT MY PARTNER
GETTING SHOT ACCIDENTALLY.
♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ SHE'S A FEMME FATALE ♪
[MUSIC FROM
TELEVISION]
♪ SHE'S A FEMME FATALE ♪♪
IS, UH...
IS THIS THE ONE
WHERE THEY'RE PLUMBERS?
I'M PERSONALLY
A JOE BESSER FAN.
[BELLS JINGLE]
[POLICE RADIO]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
[RING]
[POLICE RADIO]
[AH-CHOO!]
[AH-CHOO!]
[AH-CHOO!]
TURN AROUND,
MOTHERFUCKER.
DON'T SAY A WORD, OK?
GIVE US YOUR MONEY,
ASSHOLE.
YOUR MONEY.
YOUR MONEY.
COME ON, MAN.
HEY, IT'S NOT
A FUCKING MENSA
TEST, ALL RIGHT?
JUST GRAB THE MONEY,
AND GIVE IT TO US.
MAYBE HE CAN'T
FIND HIS MONEY.
MAYBE HE NEEDS
A LITTLE HELP, HUH?
NEED SOME HELP?
WHAT?
WE AIN'T
GOT ALL FUCKING NIGHT!
JUST GIVE US
THE FUCKING MONEY!
GIVE US
THE FUCKING MONEY, OK?
NOW! DO IT!
TAKE IT EASY.
OK.
YOU FUCK.
POW.
POW.
[BANGING]
I'M GLAD
YOU SHOWED UP.
PUT ON A TANK.
I'LL SHOW YOU
A NEW BIT.
I'M SAWING TELLER
IN HALF UNDERWATER.
DOESN'T THE BLOOD
LOOK COOL?
IT'S TELLER'S
SAME FORMULA.
I ALSO CUT AND RESTORE
HIS AIR HOSE.
SHOW'S OVER, GUYS.
WE GOT OUR MAN.
ARE YOU SURE?
YES, I'M SURE.
I TOOK HIM IN
MYSELF.
WE WANT PROOF.
WE DON'T DO THAT
HEAD-ON-THE-PLATTER THING
ANYMORE.
IT'S THE GUY
IN THE ALLEY
WITH THE RANCH WAGON,
RIGHT?
YEP.
YOU'RE SURE
HE'S THE ONLY GUY?
I HATE TO TELL YOU,
BUT MOST PEOPLE
DON'T CARE
IF YOU'RE DEAD.
MOST OF US
AREN'T LUCKY ENOUGH
TO HAVE A PSYCHO
TRY TO KILL US.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
HIS APARTMENT--
PENN & TELLER LAND.
LET'S SEE IT.
IT'S PRIVATE PROPERTY.
WE CAUGHT HIM.
WE'RE DONE WITH HIM NOW.
LISTEN, IT WAS OUR SOULS
HE WAS LEECHING OFF.
WE WANT TO SEE
PENN & TELLER LAND.
HEY!
WE CHECKED.
THESE AREN'T
YOUR SIGNATURES.
YOU WANT PROOF
THIS WAS YOUR NUTTER?
WATCH THIS.
IT'S TIME
FOR A TRICK...
YOU CAN DO AT HOME.
HELLO.
WE'RE PENN & TELLER.
PENN & TELLER!
VOILA!
WHEN I EAT FIRE, DON'T THINK
ABOUT HOW I'M DOING IT.
I GET BURNED.
YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT WHY.
WHY?
WHY?
WHY?
WATCH CLOSELY.
6.
ALAKAZAM!
WATCH CLOSELY.
ALAKAZOO!
NOW YOU SEE IT.
NOW YOU DON'T.
3.
PRESTO!
MAGIC IS FAKE.
VOILA!
WE NEED A VICTIM.
I'LL BE THE VICTIM.
EVILDOERS...
MUST BE PUNISHED.
I WISH--
ARE WE LIVE?
I WISH--
ARE WE LIVE?
I WISH--
ARE WE LIVE?
I WISH SOMEONE
WERE TRYING TO KILL ME.
[BANG]
WHY?
WHY?
WELL, I GUESS YOUR ART
IS INSPIRING SOMEBODY.
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
CAN WE NOT PRESS CHARGES
AND HIRE THIS GUY?
ATTEMPTED MURDER
WITH A POLICE
OFFICER PRESENT--
WHETHER YOU
PRESS CHARGES OR NOT,
HE'LL DO TIME.
WHEN THE JUDGE SEES
YOUR WEEKEND LIVE SPOT,
HE'LL GET OFF
WITH ASSAULT.
THIS GUY'S WACKO
TO BEGIN WITH.
SOMETHING WAS GOING TO
SET HIM OFF.
I'M JUST
CONCERNED ABOUT YOU.
LET'S GO. THIS PLACE
GIVES ME THE CREEPS.
UH, WELL, THANKS.
YOU, UH,
KEPT ME ALIVE
AND TAUGHT ME A VERY
IMPORTANT LESSON--
ONE SHOULD NEVER
GO ON NATIONAL TV
AND BEG PSYCHOPATHS
TO KILL ONE.
WILL YOU BE
AT THE BOAT
WHEN WE GET OUR STUFF?
NO. I START
ANOTHER CASE
RIGHT AWAY.
TELLER HAS KEYS.
[ENGINE STARTS]
HOW DOES HE DO THAT?
A LOT OF PRACTICE.
ISN'T HE GREAT?
UM, YOU KNOW MY NUMBER
AT THE HOTEL.
IF YOU EVER HAVE
AN UNCONTROLLABLE DESIRE
FOR A CARD TRICK,
CALL ME.
THANKS. I THINK
I MIGHT HAVE THAT URGE.
YOU'RE GETTING BETTER
AT THAT.
YOU DON'T EVEN
HURT THEM ANYMORE.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE
NEEDED A COP, YOU KNOW.
YOU'RE GETTING PRETTY GOOD
WITH THAT NINJA STUFF.
WE COULD HAVE
DONE IT ALONE.
YOU'RE
DOING GREAT.
AAH!
HEY, TELLER, GIVE ME
A HAND OVER HERE!
AAH!
HEY, STOP THAT CREEP!
GET THAT NUT!
YOU'RE THAT SAME
GOD DAMNED NUT!
THAT'S THAT SAME NUT!
TELLER! TELLER!
I THINK WE SHOULD GO
TO THE HOSPITAL.
I HAVE A KNIFE
IN MY STOMACH.
I THOUGHT McNAMARA
LOCKED THAT NUT UP!
WAIT, THAT'S McNAMARA'S CAR!
HEY, YOU, McNAMARA!
WHY'D YOU LET
THE NUT OUT?
YOU KNOW
I HATE THAT NUT!
TELLER, STOP THE CAB!
BRING IT HERE!
UH, GOD.
TELLER, RUN!
I'M REALLY
UNDER THE WEATHER.
I'M--UH.
AH.
AH.
UH...
I SHOULD REST.
OW.
OUCH! JESUS.
YOU TRYING
TO TWIST THE KNIFE?
DON'T TOUCH IT!
IT HURTS.
JUST GET AWAY FROM ME.
IT HURTS,
AND I DON'T WANT
YOU TO TOUCH IT.
VERY SHORTLY,
I'LL PASS OUT,
THEN I'LL GO INTO A COMA,
AND THEN I'LL DIE.
DURING ANY ONE
OF THOSE TIMES,
YOU'LL HAVE
PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITY
TO PLAY WITH THE KNIFE.
UNTIL THEN, JUST KEEP
YOUR PAWS TO YOURSELF.
JESUS CHRIST,
DON'T POUT!
I'VE GOT A GOD DAMN
KNIFE IN MY STOMACH.
JESUS.
AH!
UH!
HEY, LISTEN, TELLER.
I'M SORRY
I YELLED AT YOU.
THIS LOOKS A LOT
WORSE THAN IT IS.
BLOOD SPURTING
FROM THE ABDOMEN
ALWAYS LOOKS BAD.
I PROBABLY HAVE A COUPLE
OF INTERNAL ORGANS
THAT ARE STILL
FUNCTIONAL.
YOUR PARTNER
WILL BE OK.
FORGET THE SOLO ACT.
I CAN MAKE
THE DOOR MYSELF.
CATCH THAT GUY.
KICK HIS ASS
PERMANENTLY.
AH!
[WHISTLING]
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH.
AND NOW, HERE'S SOMETHING
YOU CAN TRY AT HOME.
MY PARTNER TELLER,
WHO IN HIS SPARE TIME
HAS BECOME THE WORLD'S
GREATEST CARD MAGICIAN.
FOR YOUR AMAZEMENT,
TELLER!
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
HA HA HA!
NOW WATCH CLOSELY.
SEE IF YOU CAN SEE
ANY STRINGS OR WIRES
AS I PERFORM
THE BOUNCING MUFFIN.
HA HA!
LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN,
MY PARTNER,
TELLER.
HA HA HA!
IN PERSON.
YAY!
ALL RIGHT!
WOO!
YAY!
WOO!
LISTEN!
COME ON, TELLER.
THE AUDIENCE KNOWS
TELLER DOESN'T TALK.
OH!
OK.
LET'S CONTINUE.
UP WE GO.
AH.
OK.
AND NOW
TELLER'S AMAZING
BOUNCING BAGEL.
HEH!
OH HO HO!
AHA HA HA!
I'M SORRY.
MY PARTNER IS HAVING
AN OFF NIGHT.
HA HA!
LEAVE IT.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
GET DOWN
FROM THERE!
NOT YOU!
TIE HIM UP.
WHEN I FIRST SAW
YOU AND PENN ON TV
AND PENN WAS TALKING
ABOUT PEOPLE TRYING
TO KILL HIM,
I HATED PENN,
AND I DECIDED
TO SCARE HIM,
AND I HIRED THIS GUY,
AND HE WAS GREAT.
WE SCARED HIM.
AND THEN...
THE MORE I GOT
TO KNOW YOU GUYS
AND THE WAY YOU WORK,
THE MORE
I REALIZED THAT
EVEN IF I COULD STOP
YOU FROM DISPLAYING
YOUR DISREGARD FOR DEATH,
THERE WOULD BE OTHERS...
UNLESS I COULD
SHOW THEM WHAT HAPPENS
TO PEOPLE WHO THINK
DEATH IS A JOKE.
PENN'S STILL
AT THE HOSPITAL.
KILL HIM.
YOU'RE NOT TOO UNCOMFORTABLE
UP THERE, ARE YOU?
YOU'RE USED TO IT, RIGHT?
I HATED PENN,
BUT I WATCHED
THE VIDEOTAPES AGAIN.
I GOT
TO REALLY HATE YOU.
ALWAYS STANDING THERE
BESIDE HIM, SMILING,
TACITLY ACCEPTING.
WELL, YOU DON'T
JUST ACCEPT IT.
YOU THINK IT UP,
AND YOU'RE TOO SICK
TO EVEN EXPRESS YOURSELF
IN WORDS.
THAT'S WHY I DECIDED
TO KILL PENN FIRST...
SO YOU COULD JUST
HANG AROUND HERE--
FORGIVE ME--
AND SMILE PASSIVELY
WHILE PENN LEARNED
HOW SERIOUS DEATH CAN BE,
AND I'LL SEE
HOW WELL YOU LEARN.
THEN I'LL DECIDE
WHAT TO DO WITH YOU.
IN THE MEANTIME...
I'LL JUST SIT HERE
AND WATCH
YOUR BLOOD VESSELS POP.
[CLICK]
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?
I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT.
TELLER.
[BANG]
SUR-SURPRISE.
HA HA HA!
YOU GUYS.
TH-THAT'S PENN.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT SHOT HIM.
WHAT?
CARLOTTA.
CARLOTTA!
HA HA HA!
OH!
WOO!
WOW!
THIS IS GREAT.
LOOK AT THAT STUFF.
OHH.
YOU...
YOU AND PENN.
THIS IS THE BEST.
HA HA HA!
THIS IS THE BEST!
WOO!
IT WAS A VERY MEAN JOKE.
IT WAS, AND IT'S
NOT WORKING ON ME.
DON'T EVEN TRY IT.
YOU SWITCHED IT.
WHEN?
WHAT?
FAKE GUN.
YOU SWITCHED IT
FOR THE REAL GUN
WHILE I WAS AT--
WHAT REAL ONE?
THE ONE I BOUGHT.
AT THE PAWNSHOP
ON KENTUCKY AVENUE.
TO PROTECT PENN.
OK. CUT IT OUT.
GET UP, PENN.
IT ISN'T FUNNY!
GET UP!
[BANG]
HE'S DEAD.
WHAT?
HE'S DEAD.
PENN'S DEAD.
REALLY?
YES!
[CRYING]
HA HA HA!
NO HARD FEELINGS.
[BANG]
OH!
[DOG BARKING]
[BABY CRYING]
[CRASH]
HA HA HA!
IT WASN'T SO MUCH
AN ACTING JOB.
I MEAN,
IT WAS AN ACTING JOB--
THE MOST INCREDIBLE
ACTING JOB I'VE EVER HAD.
WE DID THIS
JUST FOR TELLER.
HA HA HA!
AND I WAS THE PSYCHO
PENN & TELLER FAN,
AND PENN AND HIS
CRAZY GIRLFRIEND
ARE, LIKE,
REALLY OBSESSIVE.
THEY GOT MY PICTURE
IN THE MUG SHOT BOOKS.
I'M SNEAKING AROUND
WITH THESE REAL GUNS
WITH BLANKS IN THEM.
PENN TAUGHT ME TO USE
THIS BREAKAWAY KNIFE.
EVEN TELLER DIDN'T
SEE ME DO THE MOVE.
I'M TELLING YOU,
IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
THEY HAD ME WEARING
THIS RED FINGERNAIL.
I FORGET I HAVE IT ON.
WOMEN WOULD
LOOK AT ME STRANGE.
PENN WAS PLEASED
WITH MY PERFORMANCE.
THEY MIGHT USE ME
IN THE MOVIE.
GREAT!
SO IT WAS
GOOD EXPERIENCE
AND GOOD
FOR MY CAREER.
THEY WOULDN'T
LET ME TELL ANYBODY.
THEY WON'T MIND ME
GOING TO THEIR PARTY?
NO. IT'S OK.
IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.
YOU'LL LIKE
PENN & TELLER.
THEY'LL DO
ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH.
[BUZZ]
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
YOU'RE RIGHT.
SO, UH...
THIS THEIR IDEA
OF SOME KIND OF JOKE?
OH, JESUS!
EVERYTHING
IN THIS APARTMENT
HAS MY NAME ON IT.
IT'S DESIGNED
TO MAKE IT LOOK
LIKE I'M A PSYCHO
THAT WANTS TO KILL
PENN AND TELLER.
COME ON, MAN. COME ON.
THEY'LL
NEVER BELIEVE ME.
I-I-I CAN'T--
I CAN'T
GO TO PRISON.
I CAN'T TAKE PRISON.
I'LL CRACK,
FALL TO PIECES.
JUST TELL THEM
IT WAS PENN'S IDEA.
[BANG]
MY LIFE IN POLITICS
IS OVER.
I NEVER EVEN MET
THESE PEOPLE!
OH, I HATE
PENN AND TELLER!
NOT CONTENT
JUST TO DESTROY THEMSELVES!
FUCK.
WELL, I'M SURE
ONE OF THESE PEOPLE
HAS GOT TO HAVE
SOME BULLETS ON HIM.
HA HA HA!
OK.
[GUNSHOT]
IN THAT BUILDING.
IT MUST JUST
BE SOME KIDS
WITH FIRECRACKERS.
YEAH.
IT STILL GIVES ME
THE CREEPS, THOUGH.
YOU KNOW, THEY SAY
YOU GET USED TO IT.
YOU DON'T
GET USED TO IT.
YOU CHANGE, BUT YOU
DON'T GET USED TO IT.
YOU NEVER
GET USED TO IT.
I STILL CAN'T
FORGET THAT NIGHT,
THAT HORRIBLE,
HAUNTING NIGHT...
THAT DEADLY NIGHT,
WHEN MY FIRST PARTNER...
OH.
THAT MUST
HAVE BEEN AWFUL.
I'M SURE I COULDN'T
HAVE TAKEN THAT.
I LIKE
THE LAW ENFORCEMENT
BUSINESS,
BUT WHAT I REALLY LIKE
IS THE PAPERWORK.
I LIKE WATCHING THE LAWS
GET INTERPRETED DAY-TO-DAY,
BUT I CAN'T STAND
VIOLENCE.
I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT
FOR THE STREETS.
I WISH I COULD
GET BACK IN MY OFFICE.
I LOVE OFFICE WORK.
MY BACKGROUND,
IT'S ALL CLERICAL.
YOU'LL SEE
AWFUL THINGS.
I CAN'T TELL YOU WHEN,
BUT LOOK WHAT IT
DID TO ME.
I'M ABOUT TO RETIRE,
ABOUT TO ENTER
MY GOLDEN YEARS,
AND WHAT HAVE I GOT?
NOTHING.
MY WIFE LEFT ME.
MY KIDS HATE ME.
MY RETIREMENT PAY,
I'LL HAVE JUST ABOUT
ENOUGH MONEY
TO SPEND MY FINAL DAYS
IN A DRUNKEN STUPOR.
I'M AN ALCOHOLIC,
YOU KNOW.
IT'S NOT
THE SUFFERING
THAT BOTHERS ME.
IT'S THE FACT
THAT IT'S SENSELESS.
WHAT APARTMENT
WAS IT?
HERE WE ARE--5 H.
[BUZZ]
POLICE!
OPEN UP IN THERE!
OK.
[CRASH]
OH, JESUS.
OH, GOD.
I CAN'T TAKE IT.
I JUST
CAN'T TAKE IT.
DON'T DO IT.
YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.
I DON'T WANT TO!
GOOD-BYE, MY FRIEND!
[GUNSHOT]
[THUMP]
OH, I GUESS
THERE WAS NO WAY
I COULD HAVE STOPPED HIM
FROM TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT,
BUT I CAN'T LOSE
ANOTHER PARTNER.
I MEAN,
NOT THE SAME WAY.
OK, SO I'M A COWARD.
SO MY KIDS DON'T GET
THE LIFE INSURANCE MONEY.
BASTARDS NEVER WRITE ME.
[GUNSHOT]
[THUMP]
WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET
UP THERE?
UH!
HONEY, I GUESS
YOU SHOULD COME UP HERE
OR CALL THE POLICE!
♪ I STARTED A JOKE ♪
♪ WHICH STARTED
THE WHOLE WORLD CRYING ♪
WHAT?
♪ BUT I DIDN'T SEE ♪
[GUNSHOT]
♪ THAT THE JOKE WAS
ON ME... ♪
OH, NO!
[PENN]
OH, YEAH!
[GUNSHOT]
WE'RE DEAD,
AND THERE'S NO WAY OUT.
IT COULDN'T BE A GAG.
WE WON'T HAVE A CHARACTER
WAKE UP FROM A DREAM.
THE MOVIE IS CALLED
PENN & TELLER GET KILLED.
WE HAD TO GET KILLED
AT THE END.
WE WERE MARRIED
TO THAT ENDING.
NOW WE'VE ACTUALLY
KILLED OFF OURSELVES,
AND THERE'S
NO TAKING THAT BACK,
AND THIS WHOLE PULL BACK,
THIS IS NOT US
GOING TO HEAVEN.
I MEAN,
THOSE WERE SUICIDES,
FROWNED UPON
BY EVERY MAJOR WESTERN RELIGION,
AND ATLANTIC CITY
IS IN THE WESTERN WORLD,
SO PENN AND TELLER ARE DEAD.
HA HA HA!
THAT'S IT. THANKS.
HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT.
YOU CAN IMAGINE THE SEQUEL THING
IS KIND OF A BITCH.
WHY DIDN'T WE
JUST USE DIFFERENT NAMES?
[GUNSHOTS CONTINUE]
♪ TILL I FINALLY DIED ♪
♪ WHICH STARTED
THE WHOLE WORLD LIVING ♪
♪ OH, IF I'D ONLY SEEN ♪
♪ THAT THE JOKE WAS ON ME ♪♪
[GUNSHOT]
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY
THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING
INSTITUTE, INC.
CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1989
LORIMAR FILM
ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY
WARNER BROS., INC.
THESE HEADPHONES
ARE SOUNDING LOUSY.
OK.
OK, YOU GOT IT.
YOU GOT IT.
WE'RE ALL SET
UP HERE.
I DON'T HAVE
THE CHARTS.
THEY DON'T HAVE
THEME MUSIC.
MY NEPHEW HAD A SET
OF THOSE BOOTS,
SCREWED UP HIS BACK.
YOU GOT THE RING?
YEAH. RIGHT HERE.
CARDS?
FACE DOWN.
CUPCAKE?
WHAT?
ON YOUR LIST!
NOT MY LIST!
I DON'T CARE
WHOSE FAULT IT IS.
WE NEED A CUPCAKE.
WHY SHOULD I
HAVE ONE?
WE NEED IT
IN 20 SECONDS.
WHAT DO YOU NEED?
CHOCOLATE?
I GOT A BAGEL.
IT'S DINNER.
WHERE ARE THEY
GOING TO STAND?
THEY'RE NOT STANDING.
IF THEY'RE GOING TO
LOOK LIKE THEY'RE STANDING,
I CAN'T BE ON THE BIG ONE
AND HOLD THE LITTLE ONE.
REMEMBER, HEAD UP,
SHOULDERS DOWN.
NO, HEAD DOWN,
SHOULDERS UP.
WHATEVER.
THE LESS
WE LOOK LIKE FROGS,
THE BETTER
FOR OUR CAREER.
I GOT A BAGEL!
AT LEAST
IT'S ALLITERATIVE.
60 SECONDS.
TRY IT AGAIN.
1, 2, 3, 4.
♪ DONNY'S IS IN THE BASEMENT
MIXIN' UP THE MEDICINE ♪
♪ I'M ON THE PAVEMENT,
I'M THINKING ABOUT
THE GOVERNMENT ♪♪
THAT'S A GO.
GET IN PLACE.
YOU'RE NOT
TAPING UP THE WIRE?
THERE'S NO TIME.
GET THE HELL
UP THERE!
YOU WANT MY HEAD
TO EXPLODE.
TAPE THE WIRE!
IS THE COAT OK?
30 SECONDS!
TAPE THE WIRE!
IT'S DONE!
GET UP THERE, MORON!
I'M GOING UP.
THAT'S STICKING
STRAIGHT UP.
THANK YOU.
MAKE SURE TELLER'S OK.
OK. TELLER.
OH, I'M SORRY.
WHAT? AND GET OUT
OF SHOW BUSINESS?
15 SECONDS.
WHERE'S THE CUP?
BILLY? BILLY? CUP.
10 SECONDS.
CUE CARDS!
HOLD THEM STILL!
7, 6...
OK, WEEKEND LIVE
IS BACK!
YOU'RE HEARING
A BIT OF LAUGHTER IN THE STUDIO
BECAUSE MY NEXT GUESTS
ARE COMEDIANS PENN & TELLER.
GOOD EVENING.
MY NAME
IS PENN JILLETTE.
THIS IS
MY PARTNER TELLER.
WE THINK BEING FUNNY
IS NOT ENOUGH.
ENTERTAINERS
SHOULD TRY TO HAVE
SOME REAL SKILLS.
OUR REAL SKILL
IS MAGIC.
WE WILL PERFORM
THE BEST MAGIC
YOU'VE EVER SEEN,
SO AMAZING
YOU MAY THINK
IT'S SOME HIGH-TECH
ELECTRONIC TRICK.
TO PROVE TO YOU
THAT YOU AT HOME
WILL SEE EXACTLY
WHAT THE AUDIENCE
HERE IN THE STUDIO
IS SEEING,
I'LL BE ASKING
THE STUDIO AUDIENCE,
"ARE WE LIVE?"
IF THERE ARE
NO CAMERA EDITS,
BLUE SCREEN,
OR SPECIAL VIDEO EFFECTS,
I'LL ASK THE AUDIENCE
TO ANSWER, "YEAH!"
LET'S TRY IT.
EVERYTHING YOU'RE SEEING
IS LIVE.
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
YEAH!
MY PARTNER TELLER,
IN HIS SPARE TIME,
IS THE WORLD'S
GREATEST CARD MAGICIAN.
TELLER'S AMAZING
RISING CARD.
WOO! CAN WE SEE THAT
AGAIN, TELLER?
AND NOW,
TELLER'S RISING CARDS.
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
YEAH!
SEE IF YOU CAN SEE
STRINGS OR WIRES
AS I PERFORM
THE AMAZING BOUNCING BAGEL.
BOUNCES LIKE RUBBER
AND TASTES
LIKE MOM USED TO MAKE.
HE'S EATING IT!
LOOK!
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
YEAH!
AND NOW
FOR SOME SLEIGHT OF HAND.
WOULD YOU BRING
THE CAMERA IN CLOSE FOR THIS?
NOW YOU SEE IT...
NOW YOU DON'T.
NO CAMERA EDITS.
JUST GOOD OLD-FASHIONED
SLEIGHT OF HAND.
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
YEAH!
EVERY MAGIC SHOW NEEDS
LEVITATION OF A WOMAN,
WHICH WE, UNFORTUNATELY,
CANNOT AFFORD.
WE DO HAVE OUR OWN BEAUTIFUL
MAGICIAN'S ASSISTANT
HEATHER HENNING.
WATCH CLOSELY.
YOU WON'T
BELIEVE YOUR EYES.
HOW DOES SHE DO IT?
HELIUM! THE DOLL
IS FULL OF HELIUM!
THANK YOU, MS. HENNING.
WE'LL CALL YOU.
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
YEAH!
AND NOW,
A CLASSIC OF MAGIC,
THE VANISHING
CORDLESS DRILL.
[WHIR]
[WHIR]
MY NAME
IS PENN JILLETTE.
THIS IS
MY PARTNER TELLER.
WE ARE COMEDIANS
AND THE WORLD'S BEST MAGICIANS.
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
YEAH!
EH EH EGH...
YEAH!
PENN & TELLER, HUH?
THAT WAS SOMETHING.
YOU GUYS LOOK
JUST AWFUL.
THANK YOU, BOB,
AND THAT'S
A REALLY UGLY TIE.
AT LEAST IT DOESN'T
MATCH MY FACE.
YOU WERE UP THERE
A LOT LONGER THAN
PEOPLE REALIZED.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN
UNCOMFORTABLE.
IT'S OUR JOB.
TELLER, WERE YOU
UNCOMFORTABLE?
IS HE OK?
WHO CARES?
YOU KNOW, PENN,
I WON'T EVEN ASK YOU
ABOUT THE HAIR,
BUT WHAT'S WITH
THE RED FINGERNAIL?
I SHOT A MAN FOR ASKING
PERSONAL QUESTIONS.
SO, TELLER, WHAT'S
THE STORY WITH YOU?
CAT GOT YOUR TONGUE?
GOOD LUCK, BOB.
YOU GUYS ARE
ON TOP OF THE WORLD,
PLAYING TRUMP'S
CASINO--
IN ATLANTIC CITY
TILL JUNE 25th.
YOU GOT
YOUR PLUG IN.
WE'RE NOT HERE
FOR YOUR LOOKS.
WHAT IS
ALL THIS NONSENSE
ABOUT YOU EXPOSING
PSYCHIC SURGERY?
WHAT EXACTLY
IS PSYCHIC SURGERY?
CHEESY SLEIGHT OF HAND.
IF YOU LOSE FAITH
IN MODERN MEDICINE,
A NIGHTCLUB MAGICIAN
SQUIRTS SOME FAKE BLOOD
AND YOU'RE HEALED--
UNTIL YOU DIE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE
BELIEVE IN IT.
BEST REASON I KNOW
TO QUESTION SOMETHING.
YOU DON'T BELIEVE
IN ANYTHING.
NEXT TIME WE'RE ON,
WE'LL PULL TUMORS
OUT OF YOUR
BAND LEADER'S STOMACH.
YOU GOT ANY
TUMORS THERE?
IS THAT ALL RIGHT
WITH YOU, STEVE?
IT'S YOUR SHOW.
LET ME ASK YOU
A QUESTION.
DO YOU HAVE A LIFE?
DO YOU ONLY DO
CREEPY STUFF?
WHAT ABOUT FUN?
WE DON'T HAVE FUN.
WE JUST WORK.
HERE'S OUR FUN.
THAT'S AWFUL.
WE'VE GOT TO
FIND YOU A HOBBY.
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'D LIKE?
I WISH SOMEONE
WERE TRYING TO KILL ME.
ISN'T THAT GREAT?
IT WOULD GIVE YOU
FOCUS TO YOUR LIFE,
EXCITEMENT, JAMES BOND
SECRET AGENT STUFF.
"I'D LOVE TO SEE
THAT FILM,
"BUT PEOPLE ARE
TRYING TO KILL ME.
"THAT WINDOW
OVER THE SINK,
THERE MIGHT
BE SNIPERS."
YOU WOULDN'T SWEAT
THE SMALL STUFF.
I WISH SOMEONE
WERE TRYING TO KILL ME.
OH!
WE'RE GOING TO BREAK
FOR A COMMERCIAL NOW,
BUT LET THEM KNOW
YOU'RE OK.
DON'T FORGET,
WE'LL BE AT ONE OF TRUMP'S
MANY CASINOS
IN ATLANTIC CITY
FOR THREE WEEKS
STARTING THIS FRIDAY.
THANKS, BOB.
THANKS A LOT, GUYS.
PENN & TELLER.
I AIN'T
LIFTING THAT.
IT'S EMPTY.
WE'RE GOING TO PUT HIM IN IT.
MAY I TALK TO YOU
ABOUT MY RELIGION?
INTERESTING YOU SHOULD
MENTION THAT.
WE HAVE
A RELIGION, TOO.
HOW LONG
WILL IT TAKE YOU
TO TALK ABOUT JESUS?
ABOUT 10 MINUTES.
MY PARTNER TELLER
WILL DEMONSTRATE
HIS RELIGION
WITH A FEW
CARD TRICKS.
DOES HIS RELIGION
HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH JESUS?
YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT
TILL THE END
AND FIND OUT.
SORRY.
I DON'T HAVE TIME.
WAIT!
YOU SAID TELLER?
IS THAT RIGHT?
AS IN PENN & TELLER?
YOU HAVE THE HAIR
AND FINGERNAIL.
YOU'RE PENN, RIGHT?
YES.
BANG! BANG!
PRETTY EXCITING, HUH?
DOES THAT MAKE
YOUR EMPTY, GODLESS LIFE
MORE WORTH LIVING?
CARLOTTA,
WHAT ARE THE EXACT
DEMOGRAPHICS
OF WEEKEND LIVE?
THE FLIGHT'S NOT
AT 12:50!
IT'S 12:15!
WE CAN MAKE IT!
LET'S GO!
COME ON, TELLER! GO!
WHERE IS IT?
GATE 12-H.
THAT'S THE OTHER END
OF THE TERMINAL!
LET'S GO THROUGH HERE!
COME ON!
WE CAN MAKE IT!
COME ON!
LET'S GO! LET'S GO!
COME ON.
GO. GO.
YOU OK, TELLER?
TICKETS?
SHE HAS THEM.
TAKE IT EASY, PENN.
WE GOT TWO MINUTES.
JUST GET
THE CARRY-ON STUFF.
[BUZZ]
SIR.
THAT'S ME?
THAT'S YOU.
KEYS? CARLOTTA
CARRIES THE KEYS.
MY KNIFE?
I KEEP IT BACKSTAGE.
[BUZZ]
WHAT THE HELL?
SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH
YOUR FASCIST MACHINE!
[BUZZ]
MAYBE YOUR BOOTS.
THEY NEVER
SET IT OFF BEFORE.
MY BELT?
[BUZZ]
THE MACHINE
IS SHORTING OUT!
IT'S OUT
OF ITS MIND!
UNPLUG IT!
YOU'RE HOLDING UP
THE PLANE.
HAVE A PLATE
IN YOUR HEAD?
NO!
WANT ONE IN YOURS?
JOKE.
DO YOU HAVE
A METAL BUCKLE
ON YOUR VEST?
HOW DO THEY
ALWAYS FIND ME?
[BUZZ]
I HATE THAT!
YOUR MACHINE'S
HAYWIRE.
WE GOT A PLANE
TO CATCH.
AH!
YOU TRY IT.
WATCH! WATCH!
HE'S WEARING
THE SAME CLOTHES
AS I AM!
IT'S THE SAME
OUTFIT!
WE MATCH!
WE'RE LIKE TWINS!
IS MY SHIRT METAL?
TAKE THE SHIRT!
[BUZZ]
AAH!
HERE!
TAKE MY UNDERWEAR!
I WILL GO
TO PHILADELPHIA NAKED!
HA HA HA!
DID HE TAKE
HIS SHIRT OFF?
PENN!
WERE YOU DROPPING STUFF
IN MY POCKET
AND THEN
PULLING IT OUT
WHILE I WAS YELLING
AT THE GUARD?
I DIDN'T NOTICE
BECAUSE I WAS YELLING
AT AN INNOCENT WOMAN.
HA HA HA!
THAT'S GREAT.
WHEN IS THE FLIGHT?
YOU HAVE
HALF AN HOUR.
WE GOT YOU
SOME TEA.
I'M GOING TO
PUT MY TIE ON,
STRAIGHTEN UP,
AND APOLOGIZE
TO THE GUARD.
SHOULD I TIP HER?
I DON'T KNOW.
CARLOTTA,
I WAS YELLING
RIGHT IN HER FACE.
I'LL, UH...
I'LL BUY HER
A MAGAZINE
AT THE GIFT SHOP.
HA HA!
THAT'S GREAT.
NO HARD FEELINGS.
HA HA HA!
I WISH
I COULD HAVE
STAYED
TO SEE IT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THIS IS YOUR FINAL BOARDING CALL
FOR FLIGHT 78
TO PHILADELPHIA.
WE HAVE
TWO MINUTES EXACTLY.
GET HIM
OFF THE PHONE.
I'LL SEE YOU
ON THE PLANE.
WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT COOKIE?
WHO GAVE IT
TO YOU?
TELLER?
UH, TELLER?
YOU KNOW THAT
THUMBCUFF ESCAPE
THAT YOU'RE WORKING ON?
WHEN YOU'RE
PICKING THE LOCK,
YOUR ELBOWS
GIVE YOU AWAY.
LET ME SHOW YOU
WHAT I MEAN, OK?
GIVE ME
THE OTHER THUMB.
I'VE FILLED
THE KEYHOLES WITH GLUE.
YOU'LL BE PREPARED
IF WE GET A PSYCHO.
I'LL SEE YOU
ON THE PLANE.
DON'T LET SECURITY
SEE THE FAKE GUN.
NO HARD FEELINGS?
THAT MAN
HAS A GUN.
THAT MAN STANDING
RIGHT OVER THERE
HAS A GUN.
SLOWLY RAISE
YOUR HANDS.
SLOW.
KEYS ARE AT
THE METAL DETECTOR,
BUT A STEADY HAND
WILL SAVE...
UH.
YOU GOT TO TAKE
THE HELICOPTER?
I'LL PAY FOR HALF.
NO HARD FEELINGS?
WEEKEND LIVE
IS A YOUTH-ORIENTED SHOW.
THERE, PENN & TELLER
DO MATERIAL
WITH SHOCK APPEAL.
THEY WOULDN'T DO THAT
AT YOUR DINNER THEATER.
NO, NO, NO.
THE BAD ATTITUDE WAS
JUST FOR THAT ONE SHOW.
THAT'S IN ADDITION
TO THE GUARANTEE.
YOU PICK UP
THE EXPENSES.
IF THERE'S
A FRIDGE BACKSTAGE,
THEY LIKE COLA
AND YOO-HOOS.
THANKS.
BY THE WAY, HOW IS
LITTLE JOSHUA?
TELLER CAN'T WAIT
TO TEACH HIM SOME
NEW CARD TRICKS.
YEP.
SEE YOU NEXT MONTH.
THE "I WISH
SOMEONE WERE TRYING
TO KILL ME" BIT
ISN'T PLAYING
IN THE MIDWEST.
LOCK IT?
TELLER'S GOT IT.
MY RIGHT HAND
IS SPEEDING UP
THE 10 DEADLY
POWER DRILLS.
MY LEFT HAND
IS LOWERING
THE DRILL RACK
ONTO TELLER.
YOU WITNESSED HIM BEING
TIED TO THE TORTURE TABLE.
NOW WITNESS
HIS SELF-LIBERATION.
LIKE THE GREAT
HARRY HOUDINI,
TELLER COULD EXPAND
THE MUSCLE OF HIS WRIST
WHILE HE WAS
BEING TIED.
IT'S SIMPLE TO CONTRACT
THOSE SAME MUSCLES
AND EXTRICATE
HIS LEFT WRIST.
WITH THE LEFT HAND
COMPLETELY FREE,
HE MUST UNTIE HIS ANKLES,
WHILE AVOIDING
THE EVER-DESCENDING DRILLS
AS I CRANK THEM NOW
TO 90% OF THEIR FULL VELOCITY.
HE FLIPS OFF BOTH HIS SHOES,
FREEING HIS ANKLES.
NOW THE CHEST STRAP,
USED TO SUBDUE
THE CRIMINALLY INSANE.
HE'S OUT OF IT
FASTER THAN I SPEAK.
ONLY HIS
RIGHT WRIST REMAINS.
HE HAS BOTH HANDS
ELIMINATING THE ONE LAST KNOT
THAT BINDS HIM
TO THE TABLE OF DEATH.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1...
NOW, YOUR GRACIOUS,
THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!
AAH!
UNH.
YOU HEARD ME SAYING
WHERE HE WAS
SUPPOSED TO BE.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
HE WAS STUCK?
I WAS JUST
SUPPOSED TO COUNT.
WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS
SAY ANYTHING?
HOW CLOSE WAS HE?
I DON'T THINK
HE GOT OUT
OF ANYTHING.
WHAT KIND OF KNOTS
DID YOU TIE?
YOU TOLD US
TO TIE HIM UP TIGHTLY.
YEAH, I GUESS.
WELL, IT'S KIND OF STUPID
HOLDING THESE ROPES NOW.
WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN?
THANKS A LOT.
HE DIDN'T EVEN
LOOSEN IT.
THANKS. OVER THERE.
UH, YOU, TOO.
SIT DOWN.
OH, THANK YOU.
SORRY.
YOU WERE THE ONE
THAT WANTED TO GET KILLED.
SHUT UP,
YOU ASSHOLE.
WELL, YOU WIN SOME,
YOU LOSE SOME.
THAT'S THE SHOW.
I'M PENN JILLETTE.
THIS WAS MY PARTNER TELLER.
GOOD NIGHT.
MY PARTNER TELLER.
WHAT DO YOU
AND TELLER
REALLY HATE
ABOUT MAGIC?
TELLER COULD ANSWER
BETTER THAN ME.
I THOUGHT
TELLER WAS DEAD.
DON'T PATRONIZE ME.
I HAVE TO GET HIM
OUT OF THE RIG.
CAN WE COME ALONG?
NO. ALTHOUGH WE'RE
THE BAD BOYS OF MAGIC,
WE WOULD NEVER KNOWINGLY EXPOSE
A REAL MAGIC PRINCIPLE.
THE LOCAL TV STATION
WANTS TO KNOW
WHAT WE HATE
ABOUT MAGIC.
CARLOTTA WANTS
CHINESE FOOD.
IS THAT OK?
I'LL CLEAN UP
THE TABLE.
YOU GO SHOW TV
WHAT WE HATE ABOUT MAGIC.
PENN SAID
YOU WOULD TELL US
WHAT YOU TWO
HATE ABOUT MAGIC.
YOU GOING TO
PUT UP WITH THAT?
NO! I MEAN, YEAH!
I CAN'T CLOCK A GUY
FOR GIVING ME MONEY.
I WOULD.
JUST ANOTHER
EXAMPLE OF THE PIG
POWER STRUCTURE
THROWING
WORTHLESS TRINKETS
TO THE PROLETARIAT.
COMMIE BASTARD!
I'LL SHOW YOU
DISTRIBUTION
OF WEALTH!
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S MY MONEY
YOU'RE THROWING!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEY!
HEY!
AH, THE REVOLUTION!
STARTING IN THE MOST
UNLIKELY OF PLACES!
TRUMP CASINO,
ATLANTIC CITY!
WE'VE BEEN DOWNTRODDEN
LONG ENOUGH!
WE WILL TAKE
NO MORE MONEY FROM THE PIGS!
A WORKING-CLASS HERO
IS SOMETHING TO BE!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
ATTICA! ATTICA!
IF YOU'D BEEN THERE,
YOU WOULDN'T BE MAD.
IT WAS GREAT.
TELLER GOT PEOPLE
THROWING MONEY
AT EACH OTHER.
HE MADE $4.75.
AND YOU GOT THROWN OUT
OF THE CASINO.
IT WAS A STUPID IDEA!
IT WAS
TELLER'S IDEA.
TABLE FOR TWO?
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
WHEN PEOPLE TALK
A FOREIGN LANGUAGE,
YOU ALWAYS THINK
THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT YOU.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?
HE WANTED TO KNOW
IF YOU WERE
THE BIG YANKEE
SON OF A HOOKER
THAT ASKED PEOPLE
TO KILL HIM.
YES, I AM.
THE BIG YANKEE
SON OF A HOOKER
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND
WOULD LIKE
A COUPLE OF COLAS.
ORDER ME
SOMETHING EXOTIC
NOT MADE FROM
A COW'S STOMACH.
THAT WAS GREAT.
PENN & TELLER
ARE BREAKING INTO
THE HISPANIC COMMUNITY.
THEY RECOGNIZE YOU
AS THE CRAZY
SON OF A BITCH
THAT ASKED PEOPLE
TO KILL HIM.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
OH, VERY GOOD.
GRACIAS.
HOW DO YOU SAY
"SON OF A HOOKER?"
HIJO DE PUTA.
NOW I CAN SAY
"THANK YOU,"
"SON OF A BITCH,"
AND "THE DOG
IS BIG AND BLACK."
I'M BECOMING
A WORLD CITIZEN.
SO, WHAT'S UP
WITH YOUR UNCLE?
HE'S REALLY SICK.
HE HAS
AN ABDOMINAL TUMOR.
WILL HE BE OK?
THEY CAN CURE IT
WITH SURGERY
AND RADIATION,
BUT HE REFUSES
TO GO INTO
THE HOSPITAL.
HE WANTS
A PSYCHIC SURGEON
TO WORK ON HIM.
SO HE BOUGHT THE SCAM
FROM RIPOFF MAGICIANS.
I WANT YOU
TO CONVINCE HIM
THEY'RE FAKE.
WHY DON'T YOU?
HE'S YOUR UNCLE.
GIVE HIM
ARTICLES TO READ.
HE'S VERY WEALTHY.
I'D HATE TO SEE HIM
LOSE ALL HIS MONEY
TO CHARLATANS.
I'M HIS CLOSEST
RELATIVE.
IF WE CAN SAVE
JUST ONE HUMAN LIFE--
ERNESTO HASN'T
MET TELLER, HAS HE?
NO.
GOOD.
TELL HIM I'VE GOT
A TUMOR, TOO,
AND THERE'S
A BETTER PSYCHIC SURGEON
IN ATLANTIC CITY--
DR. TELLERO.
"TAY-ER-O."
"TAY-ER-O."
WHAT'S THIS?
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
LOOKS GOOD.
AH, OW! OW!
OW! AH!
OH!
GROSS!
OH, MY GOODNESS!
WHOA, DOC!
WHAT A RELIEF!
THANKS.
SEE? ALL BETTER.
EXACTLY WHAT KIND
OF TUMOR THAT WAS?
UH, A VERY BAD ONE.
HE DOESN'T SPEAK
ENGLISH OR SPANISH.
HE ONLY SPEAKS
DE GAULLEIC.
YOU HAVE...
A VERY
REMARKABLE GIFT!
NO.
WHAT?
YOU'RE JUST
A PATIENT, PENN.
YEP.
THE PATIENT IS PENN,
AND THE DOCTOR IS
MY PARTNER TELLER.
TELLER?
IS THIS A JOKE?
I CAN'T BELIEVE...
YOU WOULD JOKE
ABOUT THIS.
IT'S NOT A JOKE,
ERNESTO.
WE WANTED
TO PROVE TO YOU
THAT PSYCHIC
SURGEONS ARE FAKES.
WE'RE GOING
TO SHOW YOU
HOW IT'S DONE.
SEE THIS FINGER?
YOU AREN'T
BORN WITH THAT.
YOU'VE GOT TO
BUY IT.
IT'S FULL OF CHICKEN
BLOOD AND GUTS.
WATCH.
DISGUSTING.
IF THAT DOESN'T SEEM
LIKE ENOUGH BLOOD,
USE ONE
OF THESE SPONGES.
THEY MAKE IT
LOOK LIKE THERE'S
A LOT MORE BLOOD.
STAY AWAY
FROM THOSE PSYCHICS.
GET YOURSELF
TO A REAL HOSPITAL.
I'LL TELL THAT BASTARD
WHERE HE CAN STICK
HIS RUBBER FINGER.
SO, DAVE,
TONIGHT WE'RE
GOING TO BE USING
SOME STANDARD
HOUSEHOLD ITEMS.
WE HAVE DRAIN CLEANER--
A STAPLE UNDER
THE LETTERMAN SINK--
AND A PIECE
OF RAW CHICKEN.
GO AHEAD, TELLER.
MM-MMM.
ISN'T THAT
A PRETTY THING, HUH?
YOU'VE SEEN
WHAT A TEASPOON
OF DRAIN CLEANER
DOES TO RAW CHICKEN--
TELLER,
DON'T DO THAT!
DAVE, HOLD YOUR
HAND OUT HERE.
HOLD YOUR HAND
OUT HERE.
WE CAN COUNT ON DAVE
TO BE FREAKED THERE.
HE'LL ALSO
SAY SOMETHING FUNNY.
DON'T BE
A WIMP, DAVE.
"I'M NOT A WIMP,"
OR FUNNY WORDS
TO THAT EFFECT.
TELLER, MAN,
IT AIN'T WORKING.
I CAN SEE THE TAB
ON YOUR MOUTH.
YEAH. ARE YOU OK
ON THIS?
WOULD YOU NOTICE
THE PLASTIC?
NO, I'D BE WORRYING
ABOUT MY HAND,
BUT THE CAMERA
MIGHT NOTICE.
OK, LET'S GO
FROM THERE.
HOLD YOUR HAND
VERY STILL, DAVE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
HI, GUYS.
WE'RE A LITTLE BUSY
RIGHT NOW.
LET'S KEEP GOING.
THEY'LL GO AWAY.
NO, PENN,
THEY'RE NOT LEAVING.
WHAT'S UP?
YOU MUST BE THE BIG ONE
WITH THE HAIR.
IS HE THE ONE
THAT DOESN'T TALK?
WHO'S SHE?
UH, YEAH,
I'M THE BIG ONE
WITH THE HAIR,
AND HE DOESN'T
TALK RIGHT NOW
BECAUSE HIS MOUTH
IS FULL OF
DRAIN CLEANER.
THIS IS CARLOTTA.
SHE'S PRETENDING TO
BE DAVID LETTERMAN.
SHE'S HISPANIC,
AND SHE'S OUR FRIEND.
HOLA.
NOW IT'S MY TURN.
YOU HAVE THE SCORPION
ON YOUR NECK.
HE'S THE FAT ONE.
WHO IS THIS GENTLEMAN?
DID YOU BOZOS
CONVINCE ERNESTO GARCIA
TO CANCEL
HIS PSYCHIC SURGERY
IN MANILA?
YEAH, BUT SOME CREDIT
GOES TO THE FACT
THAT HE HAS A BRAIN.
MY BROTHER IS
THE LEADING PSYCHIC
SURGEON IN MANILA,
AND WE CAN'T HAVE
SMART-ASS SCUM LIKE YOU
DEFAMING THE NAME
OF A GREAT HEALER.
UH...BETTER TAKE
THE DRAIN CLEANER
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
THIS IS, UH...
THIS IS GETTING SERIOUS.
HA HA HA!
YEAH, WE ARE
SMART-ASS SCUM,
AND WE'RE VERY SORRY
FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE
WE MAY HAVE CAUSED
YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
WOULD YOU GUYS
LIKE A BEVERAGE?
YOU'RE SPINELESS...
REPULSIVE...SLIMY...
YEAH. YEAH.
VERY SLIMY.
HEY, THESE GUYS
ARE WEAK.
THEY'RE OF
NO CONSEQUENCE TO US.
NO WAY.
JESUS CHRIST!
WHO IS THIS JERK?
DON'T BE TROUBLED.
WE'LL BEAT HIM UP
FOR YOU.
SO LONG, GUYS.
KICK HIM!
HEY, WAIT.
THESE GUYS ARE TROUBLE.
BETTER BRING THEM BACK
TO THE DOCTOR.
DO WHAT YOU WANT
TO THE GIRL,
BUT LEAVE ME ALONE.
LET'S GO.
I WAS GOING
TO RESCUE YOU LATER!
THE BOSS
ISN'T INTERESTED
IN THE GIRL.
NO, BUT I AM.
JUST MAKE SURE
SHE TALKS TO NO ONE!
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I HAVE NO IDEA.
DOES SHE THINK
SHE CAN GET AWAY
AND TALK
TO THE POLICE?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO?
Teller?
Are you here, Teller?
Now, what she
probably meant
when she nodded
was that we should
just cooperate,
do what
they want us to.
That must be
what she meant.
Are you even here,
Teller?
I trust,
in this desperate,
important situation,
with me blindfolded
like this,
you'd say something,
right?
Like some
appropriate warning
if I were
in immediate danger.
You do know
I'm blindfolded,
and we're talking
life or death here.
SO--SO TO YELL
A COUPLE OF WORDS
WOULDN'T HURT
YOUR IMAGE AT ALL.
WE SHOULD HAVE
A UNIFIED STRATEGY.
YOUR NOT TALKING
WHEN I CAN SEE YOU
IS IRRITATING
AND TIRESOME,
BUT WITH ME BLINDFOLDED,
IT'S EXASPERATING.
IF I WERE YOU
AND BLINDFOLDED
WITH NO IDEA
WHAT'S GOING ON,
I'D BE CHATTERING
A BLUE STREAK.
OK. LET'S TRY THIS.
YOU WHISTLE ONCE FOR YES
AND TWICE FOR NO.
TELLER?
ARE YOU HERE WITH ME?
ARE YOU
BLINDFOLDED, TOO?
I KNOW
YOU CAN WHISTLE.
I'VE HEARD YOU WHISTLE.
OH.
ARE THERE
OTHER PEOPLE HERE?
ARE YOU GAGGED?
YOU DO KNOW
I'M BLINDFOLDED, RIGHT?
IF YOU'RE GAGGED,
TAP YOUR FINGERS.
ONCE AGAIN,
ONCE FOR YES,
AND TWICE FOR NO.
TELLER?
DID YOU MAKE
THAT CLANGING SOUND?
THAT WAS ONCE.
THAT MEANS YES.
NOW, IS THAT YES,
YOU'RE HERE WITH ME,
OR YES, YOU'RE
BLINDFOLDED,
OR YES, YOU'RE GAGGED?
I HATE YOU.
Oh, I see.
SO YOU TWO WISEACRES
DO NOT BELIEVE
THAT I KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT MEDICINE?
DID HE CALL US
WISEACRES?
I WILL NOW
GIVE YOU PROOF
BY REMOVING
TELLER'S LIVER.
SCALPEL.
UM...AHEM...
YO...UH...UH...
iHIJO DE PUTA!
SO, MR. HIJO DE PUTA,
ARE YOU GOING TO SLIP
A PIG'S LIVER
UNDER TELLER'S SHIRT?
ANY TWO-BIT FILIPINO
CRUISE SHIP MAGICIAN
WITH A FAKE FINGER
FULL OF PIG GUTS
COULD DO THAT.
I THINK YOU WILL FIND
MY DEMONSTRATION
QUITE CONVINCING.
OH, YEAH,
HIJO DE PUTA?
IF YOU DON'T
SHUT YOUR MOUTH,
I MAY HAVE
TO DEMONSTRATE
TO YOUR LITTLE FRIEND
HOW TO REMOVE
A LIVING LARYNX
WITH A PAIR
OF RUSTY PLIERS!
NO PROBLEM.
NO PROBLEM.
FORCEPS!
iHIJO DE PUTA!
THAT'S IT.
I WILL NOW LEAVE YOU
WITHOUT YOUR VOICE BOX!
ERRRR!
NO. THAT'S TOO GOOD
FOR HIM.
I WANT
TO HEAR HIM SCREAM!
LET'S CUT
HIS STOMACH FIRST.
UH, SO, UH, YOU ORIGINALLY
FROM THE PHILIPPINES?
YOUR ENGLISH
IS VERY, VERY GOOD,
BUT YOU HAVE TROUBLE
WITH YOUR Bs AND Vs.
LISTEN TO ME
A LITTLE--
"I CAN'T REMEMBER
IF I CRIED
"WHEN I READ ABOUT
HIS WIDOWED BRIDE,
"BUT SOMETHING TOUCHED ME
DEEP INSIDE
THE DAY
THE MUSIC DIED."
HE'S CRAZY.
"BYE, BYE,
MISS AMERICAN PIE.
DROVE MY CHEVY
TO THE LEVEE--"
HEAR THOSE Vs?
IT'S NOT
"CHEBY TO THE LEBEE,"
BUT "CHEVY
TO THE LEVEE,
BUT THE LEVEE WAS DRY,
AND STARTED SINGING"
♪ BYE, BYE,
MISS AMERICAN PIE ♪♪
"AND THE JESTER SANG
FOR THE KING AND QUEEN
"IN A COAT HE BORROWED
FROM JAMES DEAN
"IN A VOICE WHICH CAME
FROM YOU AND ME!
"JACK BE NIMBLE,
JACK BE QUICK,
"JACK FLASH SAT
ON A CANDLESTICK
'CAUSE FIRE IS
THE DEVIL'S ONLY FRIEND!"
RAZOR.
EVERYBODY KNOWS JACK FLASH
REFERS TO MICK JAGGER.
JUMPING JACK FLASH,
WITH THE DEVIL--
IT'S ALL THERE.
BUT I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT
THE JESTER WAS BOB DYLAN!
WHAT IS BOB DYLAN?
"THE OUTLOOK
WASN'T BRILLIANT
"FOR THE MUDVILLE NINE
THAT DAY.
THE SCORE STOOD
4-2--"
DOC, THIS ONE HAS
A SURPRISE ENDING!
KNOCK, KNOCK!
KNOCK, KNOCK?
I NEVER BELIEVED
THOSE LETTERS
TO PENTHOUSE,
BUT I WAS FLYING
INTO NEW YORK,
AND THERE WERE IDENTICAL
TWIN BLOND STEWARDESSES!
EITHER ONE!
JUST GO! GO! DO IT!
THEY WERE BOTH
SITTING NAKED ON MY BED,
AND THEY WERE FONDLING
EACH OTHER'S BREASTS,
AND SUDDENLY, THEY TOLD ME
WHERE THEY'D HIDDEN
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS
WORTH OF GOLD!
AAAAAAAH!
SURPRISE!
AAAGH.
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
THIS IS
A GREAT JOKE.
I WENT ON TV
AND SAID THAT I, UH,
WISH SOMEONE WERE TRYING
TO KILL ME,
AND MY LITTLE BUDDY
STAGED THIS FOR ME.
LET ME UP. I'D LIKE
TO SHAKE HIS HAND.
JUST A COUPLE
OF FAKE EYEBROWS,
AND YOU DON'T RECOGNIZE
UNCLE ERNESTO.
YOU'RE GULLIBLE.
I LIKE THAT.
YOU'RE NOT EVEN SICK.
COURSE NOT. I FEEL GREAT.
I'M NOT SICK.
CARLOTTA SAID
YOU LOVE THESE JOKES.
NO HARD FEELINGS.
YOU WERE
IN ON THIS, TOO?
WHY DON'T YOU
UNTIE MY ARMS?
I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU
A HUG AND A KISS.
I WASN'T KIDDING.
THOSE TWIN
FLIGHT ATTENDANTS
WERE TERRIFIC!
YUM!
OK, OK.
COME ON, COME ON.
YOU GUYS READY
TO EAT?
TELLER WANTS
CHINESE FOOD.
THAT COOL WITH YOU?
LET'S GO.
WE GOT TO SEE
THIS SHOW AT CAESARS.
THIS COMIC DOES THIS BIT
ON SHIRLEY MacLAINE.
HE'S TALKING ABOUT
WHAT A NUT SHE IS
AND HOW SHE HAS
THESE UNCANNY,
CREEPY FEELINGS--
[GUNSHOT]
OW! AAH! GOD!
OH, GOD!
AAH! AH. AH.
YOU STICKING
YOUR FINGER IN
TO SEE HOW DEEP IT IS?
THE SHOT CAME
FROM UP THERE.
I'LL STAY HERE
COWERING AND SCREAMING.
HEY, GO BE A HERO.
OW. AH.
GOT YOU
IN THE ARM, HUH?
YOU WERE LUCKY.
NO, I'M NOT LUCKY.
I GOT SHOT.
GETTING SHOT
IS NOT LUCKY.
LUCKY IS WINNING
THE LOTTERY.
WITH THAT HAIR
AND THAT FINGERNAIL,
AREN'T YOU THE GUY
THAT GOES ON TV
AND ASKS PEOPLE
TO TRY TO KILL HIM?
I DIDN'T ASK PEOPLE
TO KILL ME.
I SAID I WISHED
SOMEONE WERE TRYING
TO KILL ME.
YOU SAID THAT
ON NATIONAL TV?
WHAT AN ASSHOLE.
I'D LIKE TO BLOW
YOUR FUCKING BRAINS OUT.
YOU'RE LUCKY
I DON'T HAVE A GUN.
YUP, I'M THE LUCKIEST
MAN IN THE WORLD.
MR. LUCKY
JUST GOT SHOT.
IT'S PROBABLY
ALL FOR THE BEST.
MAYBE NOW
YOU'LL THINK TWICE
ABOUT SAYING
STUPID SHIT ON TV.
IF I HAD A GUN,
I'D BLOW YOUR ASS OFF
RIGHT NOW!
SHUT UP! JESUS!
OW!
[CAR ENGINE STARTS]
SHUT UP!
DID YOU PAY OFF
YOUR SICK FRIEND
WITH THE GUN?
YOU WERE TOO ANXIOUS
TO RUN AFTER HIM.
YOU'RE NOT THAT BRAVE.
THAT'S WHERE
YOUR LITTLE JOKE
FELL APART.
PENN, SHUT UP!
YOU SHUT UP, TOO!
YOU'VE GONE TOO FAR!
THIS IS SERIOUS!
YOU'VE CROSSED
FROM PLEASANT ECCENTRICS
TO DANGEROUS
PSYCHOPATHS.
I'M TAKING YOU
ON A ROMANTIC RIDE
TO THE HOSPITAL.
GO LAUGH ALONE
AT YOUR LAST
PRACTICAL JOKE!
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT!
GET AWAY FROM US!
HOW MUCH LONGER
AM I GOING TO
FOLLOW THIS GUY?
YOU TIED ME
TO AN OPERATING TABLE,
FORCED UNCLE ERNESTO
TO GO AT MY THROAT.
THAT WAS FUNNY.
BUT NOW I'VE BEEN
SHOT IN THE ARM.
ONLY A SICK INDIVIDUAL
WOULD FIND THAT FUNNY.
CARLOTTA'S RIGHT
ABOUT YOU, MAN.
YOU'RE ARE TURNING
INTO A GOD DAMN PSYCHO.
SHE'S REALLY MAD AT YOU.
SHE WON'T TALK TO YOU
TILL YOU APOLOGIZE.
[BANG]
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
MY LITTLE FRIEND--
THAT BETTER HAVE BEEN
A BLANK POWDER CHARGE
OVER BY THE WINDOW
AND A SQUIB
BEHIND THAT MIRROR
BECAUSE IF YOU HIRED
SOMEONE TO FIRE A REAL GUN,
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S FUNNY.
ACTUALLY, A BLANK
AND A SQUIB
IS ONLY MILDLY FUNNY.
THIS IS NOT
A KNEE-SLAPPER.
THIS IS THE END
OF THE JOKE.
MY ARM IS SORE,
SO WHY DON'T YOU
SWEEP UP THIS GLASS,
O COMEDY KING.
I'M GOING
TO TELL CARLOTTA
ABOUT THE SQUIB.
SHE'LL TALK TO YOU
WHEN IT'S CHILLY IN HELL.
YOU KNOW HOW MUCH
SHE'S ENJOYING
YOUR JOKES.
[BANG]
AAH!
OH! HA HA HA!
IT ISN'T YOU, IS IT?
MEMOIRS OF THE HUNTED,
PAGE 3.
SOON, 150 PUSHUPS
A DAY.
EVERY STRANGER
A POTENTIAL...
ASSASSIN.
I'M SMOKING TOO MUCH
AND DRINKING
MUCH TOO MUCH...
COLA.
AHH.
I MUST STAY ALERT.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[RHYTHMIC KNOCKING]
WERE YOU FOLLOWED?
MEMOIRS OF THE HUNTED,
PAGE 4.
I'M RUNNING A FEVER
ALL THE TIME.
EVERY CELL
OF MY BODY
LONGS TO LIVE
ITS FINAL MOMENTS
TO THE FULLEST.
I NEVER NOTICED
HOW BEAUTIFUL
THE BLUE LINES ON
A YELLOW LEGAL PAD ARE.
I HAVEN'T SLEPT
IN SO LONG
THAT I'M...
UH.
REALLY TIRED.
DEATH ROW,
MAIN STREET--
IT'S ALL THE SAME
TO ME NOW.
I HAVE ENTERED
A DIFFERENT WORLD,
A WORLD OF JUNKIES,
BUGGERS,
PROSTITUTES, HUNTERS,
AND ME--THE HUNTED.
SHUFFLING OFF
THIS MORTAL COIL
IS LONELY.
I WILL DIE ALONE,
EVEN THOUGH FATS
IS HERE WITH ME.
I'M JUST
CALLING YOU FATS
SO THEY DON'T KNOW
IT'S YOU.
I DON'T WANT
YOU STIFFED, TOO.
MEMOIRS OF THE HUNTED,
PAGE 211.
I'M BEGINNING
TO KNOW MY MURDERER
LIKE I KNOW MYSELF,
BUT I DON'T FEEL HATE--
NOT FOR HIM.
THE HATE I FEEL
IS FOR THE DO-GOODERS,
LIKE THAT DO-GOODER
THAT CALLED THE COPS.
WE DON'T NEED
SOME FLATFOOT.
WHY CAN'T THEY LEAVE
FATS AND ME ALONE
TO VANQUISH THE DRAGON
OF OUR VANISHED DREAMS?
ANY MORE
COCOA PUFFS?
WHERE ARE
THE GOD DAMN POLICE?
WE COULD
HAVE BEEN KILLED
THREE TIMES OVER
BY NOW.
THE COP...
WAS A GOODY TWO SHOES,
ALL RIGHT.
HE HAD...
ONE OF THOSE FACES...
LIKE THE INSIDE
OF A PORK SAUSAGE
AFTER YOU INJECT IT
WITH WATER
FROM A HYPODERMIC
NEEDLE--
ALL FULL OF
BOURGEOIS LOYALTY.
HE WAS GOING TO BE
A BIG HELP.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
ARE YOU PENN?
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
DONE THAT, PENN.
NOW YOU'RE REALLY
IN TROUBLE.
CALL THE POLICE STATION.
SO THAT'S WHAT'S
GOING TO DO IN
MY ARCH NEMESIS--
HER OWN DESIRE
TO BE PUNISHED.
WHAT?
I'M OFFICER McNAMARA,
37th PRECINCT.
YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE THAT
ASKED PEOPLE TO KILL HIM,
AND THIS WIMP
IS SOME PATHETIC PSYCHO
TRYING TO CARRY OUT
YOUR WISH.
THE PATHETIC PSYCHO
IS MY PARTNER TELLER.
HE WASN'T
TRYING TO KILL ME.
HE WAS TRYING
TO PROTECT ME.
THIS IS GREAT.
I THOUGHT THEY'D SEND
SOME FAT GUY
WHO ATE DOUGHNUTS.
KEEP YOUR HAND ON
YOUR GOD DAMN GUN.
KEEP IT ON THE GUN.
I THOUGHT
YOU WERE A PROFESSIONAL.
WHY ARE WE WALKING?
[SCREECHING TIRES]
SO WHAT IS IT,
THE SLAMMER FOR ME?
NO TELLING HOW FAR
THIS WACKO WILL GO.
THE P.D. CANNOT AFFORD
TO PUT EVERY ASSHOLE
THAT WANTS TO GET KILLED
IN MAXIMUM SECURITY.
I HAVE THE RIGHT
TO GO TO PRISON.
YOU DO
ONE THING ILLEGAL,
I'LL BLOW YOUR FACE
ALL OVER THE UPHOLSTERY.
OK, IF YOU'RE NOT
TAKING ME TO PRISON,
WHERE ARE YOU
TAKING ME?
MY PLACE.
YOU'LL BE SAFE THERE.
WHERE IS YOUR PLACE?
TELLER,
GET THE BAGS, HUH?
YOU'RE GOING TO
KEEP ME ON A BOAT?
OK!
WELL, HERE WE ARE.
HOME SWEET HOME.
HOW LONG
WILL WE BE HERE?
TILL WE
CATCH THAT CREEP.
MAKE YOURSELF
COMFORTABLE.
WOULD YOU LIKE
A COLA?
YEAH, THANKS.
YOU GOT A YOO-HOO
FOR TELLER?
YEAH,
IN THE FRIDGE.
HELP YOURSELF.
YOU LIKE
THE VELVET UNDERGROUND?
YEAH. LOVE THEM.
[MUSIC PLAYING]
THEY'RE THE BEST.
I HAD SUCH A CRUSH
ON NICO.
I'VE ALWAYS
BEEN A SUCKER
FOR CLASSY EUROTRASH
IN SUNGLASSES.
♪ YOU BETTER
WATCH YOUR STEP... ♪
I DON'T WEAR THEM
TO LOOK LIKE
THE HIGHWAY PATROL.
YOU LOOK SO MUCH
LESS LIKE A COP.
♪ IT'S TRUE ♪
OH, DON'T WORRY.
♪ IT'S NOT HARD
TO REALIZE ♪
YOU'RE STILL
IN GOOD HANDS.
♪ JUST LOOK INTO
HER FALSE-COLORED EYES ♪
♪ SHE'LL BUILD YOU UP ♪
♪ TO JUST
PUT YOU DOWN... ♪
WE GOT SOME TIME
TO KILL.
♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY
KNOWS... ♪
WITH THE VELVETS PLAYING,
I LIKE TO WATCH
THE THREE STOOGES.
OH, I LOVE
THE STOOGES.
REALLY?
MOST WOMEN DON'T.
MOST WOMEN I'VE MET
JUST THINK THEY'RE STUPID.
OH, I DON'T THINK
THEY'RE STUPID.
I THINK
THEY'RE SEXY.
VELVET UNDERGROUND,
THE THREE STOOGES,
COLA BEVERAGE--I'M SET.
♪ SHE'S GOING TO SMILE ♪
♪ TO MAKE YOU FROWN ♪
♪ WHAT A CLOWN ♪
♪ LOOK AT HER,
SHE'S ON THE STREET ♪
♪ BEFORE YOU START,
YOU'RE ALREADY BEAT ♪
♪ SHE'S GOING TO PLAY YOU
FOR A FOOL... ♪
TELLER.
NO ONE'S TRYING
TO KILL YOU.
WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK
TO THE HOTEL
AND SEE IF
WE LEFT ANYTHING THERE.
TAKE THE CAR.
WE DON'T NEED IT.
YEAH. SEE A MOVIE
OR SOMETHING.
GIVE A CALL
BEFORE YOU COME BACK.
JUST SO WE DON'T THINK
YOU'RE THE BAD GUY.
WOULDN'T WANT MY PARTNER
GETTING SHOT ACCIDENTALLY.
♪ 'CAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS ♪
♪ SHE'S A FEMME FATALE ♪
[MUSIC FROM
TELEVISION]
♪ SHE'S A FEMME FATALE ♪♪
IS, UH...
IS THIS THE ONE
WHERE THEY'RE PLUMBERS?
I'M PERSONALLY
A JOE BESSER FAN.
[BELLS JINGLE]
[POLICE RADIO]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
[RING]
[POLICE RADIO]
[AH-CHOO!]
[AH-CHOO!]
[AH-CHOO!]
TURN AROUND,
MOTHERFUCKER.
DON'T SAY A WORD, OK?
GIVE US YOUR MONEY,
ASSHOLE.
YOUR MONEY.
YOUR MONEY.
COME ON, MAN.
HEY, IT'S NOT
A FUCKING MENSA
TEST, ALL RIGHT?
JUST GRAB THE MONEY,
AND GIVE IT TO US.
MAYBE HE CAN'T
FIND HIS MONEY.
MAYBE HE NEEDS
A LITTLE HELP, HUH?
NEED SOME HELP?
WHAT?
WE AIN'T
GOT ALL FUCKING NIGHT!
JUST GIVE US
THE FUCKING MONEY!
GIVE US
THE FUCKING MONEY, OK?
NOW! DO IT!
TAKE IT EASY.
OK.
YOU FUCK.
POW.
POW.
[BANGING]
I'M GLAD
YOU SHOWED UP.
PUT ON A TANK.
I'LL SHOW YOU
A NEW BIT.
I'M SAWING TELLER
IN HALF UNDERWATER.
DOESN'T THE BLOOD
LOOK COOL?
IT'S TELLER'S
SAME FORMULA.
I ALSO CUT AND RESTORE
HIS AIR HOSE.
SHOW'S OVER, GUYS.
WE GOT OUR MAN.
ARE YOU SURE?
YES, I'M SURE.
I TOOK HIM IN
MYSELF.
WE WANT PROOF.
WE DON'T DO THAT
HEAD-ON-THE-PLATTER THING
ANYMORE.
IT'S THE GUY
IN THE ALLEY
WITH THE RANCH WAGON,
RIGHT?
YEP.
YOU'RE SURE
HE'S THE ONLY GUY?
I HATE TO TELL YOU,
BUT MOST PEOPLE
DON'T CARE
IF YOU'RE DEAD.
MOST OF US
AREN'T LUCKY ENOUGH
TO HAVE A PSYCHO
TRY TO KILL US.
YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN
HIS APARTMENT--
PENN & TELLER LAND.
LET'S SEE IT.
IT'S PRIVATE PROPERTY.
WE CAUGHT HIM.
WE'RE DONE WITH HIM NOW.
LISTEN, IT WAS OUR SOULS
HE WAS LEECHING OFF.
WE WANT TO SEE
PENN & TELLER LAND.
HEY!
WE CHECKED.
THESE AREN'T
YOUR SIGNATURES.
YOU WANT PROOF
THIS WAS YOUR NUTTER?
WATCH THIS.
IT'S TIME
FOR A TRICK...
YOU CAN DO AT HOME.
HELLO.
WE'RE PENN & TELLER.
PENN & TELLER!
VOILA!
WHEN I EAT FIRE, DON'T THINK
ABOUT HOW I'M DOING IT.
I GET BURNED.
YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT WHY.
WHY?
WHY?
WHY?
WATCH CLOSELY.
6.
ALAKAZAM!
WATCH CLOSELY.
ALAKAZOO!
NOW YOU SEE IT.
NOW YOU DON'T.
3.
PRESTO!
MAGIC IS FAKE.
VOILA!
WE NEED A VICTIM.
I'LL BE THE VICTIM.
EVILDOERS...
MUST BE PUNISHED.
I WISH--
ARE WE LIVE?
I WISH--
ARE WE LIVE?
I WISH--
ARE WE LIVE?
I WISH SOMEONE
WERE TRYING TO KILL ME.
[BANG]
WHY?
WHY?
WELL, I GUESS YOUR ART
IS INSPIRING SOMEBODY.
THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
CAN WE NOT PRESS CHARGES
AND HIRE THIS GUY?
ATTEMPTED MURDER
WITH A POLICE
OFFICER PRESENT--
WHETHER YOU
PRESS CHARGES OR NOT,
HE'LL DO TIME.
WHEN THE JUDGE SEES
YOUR WEEKEND LIVE SPOT,
HE'LL GET OFF
WITH ASSAULT.
THIS GUY'S WACKO
TO BEGIN WITH.
SOMETHING WAS GOING TO
SET HIM OFF.
I'M JUST
CONCERNED ABOUT YOU.
LET'S GO. THIS PLACE
GIVES ME THE CREEPS.
UH, WELL, THANKS.
YOU, UH,
KEPT ME ALIVE
AND TAUGHT ME A VERY
IMPORTANT LESSON--
ONE SHOULD NEVER
GO ON NATIONAL TV
AND BEG PSYCHOPATHS
TO KILL ONE.
WILL YOU BE
AT THE BOAT
WHEN WE GET OUR STUFF?
NO. I START
ANOTHER CASE
RIGHT AWAY.
TELLER HAS KEYS.
[ENGINE STARTS]
HOW DOES HE DO THAT?
A LOT OF PRACTICE.
ISN'T HE GREAT?
UM, YOU KNOW MY NUMBER
AT THE HOTEL.
IF YOU EVER HAVE
AN UNCONTROLLABLE DESIRE
FOR A CARD TRICK,
CALL ME.
THANKS. I THINK
I MIGHT HAVE THAT URGE.
YOU'RE GETTING BETTER
AT THAT.
YOU DON'T EVEN
HURT THEM ANYMORE.
IT'S NOT LIKE WE
NEEDED A COP, YOU KNOW.
YOU'RE GETTING PRETTY GOOD
WITH THAT NINJA STUFF.
WE COULD HAVE
DONE IT ALONE.
YOU'RE
DOING GREAT.
AAH!
HEY, TELLER, GIVE ME
A HAND OVER HERE!
AAH!
HEY, STOP THAT CREEP!
GET THAT NUT!
YOU'RE THAT SAME
GOD DAMNED NUT!
THAT'S THAT SAME NUT!
TELLER! TELLER!
I THINK WE SHOULD GO
TO THE HOSPITAL.
I HAVE A KNIFE
IN MY STOMACH.
I THOUGHT McNAMARA
LOCKED THAT NUT UP!
WAIT, THAT'S McNAMARA'S CAR!
HEY, YOU, McNAMARA!
WHY'D YOU LET
THE NUT OUT?
YOU KNOW
I HATE THAT NUT!
TELLER, STOP THE CAB!
BRING IT HERE!
UH, GOD.
TELLER, RUN!
I'M REALLY
UNDER THE WEATHER.
I'M--UH.
AH.
AH.
UH...
I SHOULD REST.
OW.
OUCH! JESUS.
YOU TRYING
TO TWIST THE KNIFE?
DON'T TOUCH IT!
IT HURTS.
JUST GET AWAY FROM ME.
IT HURTS,
AND I DON'T WANT
YOU TO TOUCH IT.
VERY SHORTLY,
I'LL PASS OUT,
THEN I'LL GO INTO A COMA,
AND THEN I'LL DIE.
DURING ANY ONE
OF THOSE TIMES,
YOU'LL HAVE
PLENTY OF OPPORTUNITY
TO PLAY WITH THE KNIFE.
UNTIL THEN, JUST KEEP
YOUR PAWS TO YOURSELF.
JESUS CHRIST,
DON'T POUT!
I'VE GOT A GOD DAMN
KNIFE IN MY STOMACH.
JESUS.
AH!
UH!
HEY, LISTEN, TELLER.
I'M SORRY
I YELLED AT YOU.
THIS LOOKS A LOT
WORSE THAN IT IS.
BLOOD SPURTING
FROM THE ABDOMEN
ALWAYS LOOKS BAD.
I PROBABLY HAVE A COUPLE
OF INTERNAL ORGANS
THAT ARE STILL
FUNCTIONAL.
YOUR PARTNER
WILL BE OK.
FORGET THE SOLO ACT.
I CAN MAKE
THE DOOR MYSELF.
CATCH THAT GUY.
KICK HIS ASS
PERMANENTLY.
AH!
[WHISTLING]
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH.
AND NOW, HERE'S SOMETHING
YOU CAN TRY AT HOME.
MY PARTNER TELLER,
WHO IN HIS SPARE TIME
HAS BECOME THE WORLD'S
GREATEST CARD MAGICIAN.
FOR YOUR AMAZEMENT,
TELLER!
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
HA HA HA!
NOW WATCH CLOSELY.
SEE IF YOU CAN SEE
ANY STRINGS OR WIRES
AS I PERFORM
THE BOUNCING MUFFIN.
HA HA!
LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN,
MY PARTNER,
TELLER.
HA HA HA!
IN PERSON.
YAY!
ALL RIGHT!
WOO!
YAY!
WOO!
LISTEN!
COME ON, TELLER.
THE AUDIENCE KNOWS
TELLER DOESN'T TALK.
OH!
OK.
LET'S CONTINUE.
UP WE GO.
AH.
OK.
AND NOW
TELLER'S AMAZING
BOUNCING BAGEL.
HEH!
OH HO HO!
AHA HA HA!
I'M SORRY.
MY PARTNER IS HAVING
AN OFF NIGHT.
HA HA!
LEAVE IT.
THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
ARE WE LIVE?
YEAH!
GET DOWN
FROM THERE!
NOT YOU!
TIE HIM UP.
WHEN I FIRST SAW
YOU AND PENN ON TV
AND PENN WAS TALKING
ABOUT PEOPLE TRYING
TO KILL HIM,
I HATED PENN,
AND I DECIDED
TO SCARE HIM,
AND I HIRED THIS GUY,
AND HE WAS GREAT.
WE SCARED HIM.
AND THEN...
THE MORE I GOT
TO KNOW YOU GUYS
AND THE WAY YOU WORK,
THE MORE
I REALIZED THAT
EVEN IF I COULD STOP
YOU FROM DISPLAYING
YOUR DISREGARD FOR DEATH,
THERE WOULD BE OTHERS...
UNLESS I COULD
SHOW THEM WHAT HAPPENS
TO PEOPLE WHO THINK
DEATH IS A JOKE.
PENN'S STILL
AT THE HOSPITAL.
KILL HIM.
YOU'RE NOT TOO UNCOMFORTABLE
UP THERE, ARE YOU?
YOU'RE USED TO IT, RIGHT?
I HATED PENN,
BUT I WATCHED
THE VIDEOTAPES AGAIN.
I GOT
TO REALLY HATE YOU.
ALWAYS STANDING THERE
BESIDE HIM, SMILING,
TACITLY ACCEPTING.
WELL, YOU DON'T
JUST ACCEPT IT.
YOU THINK IT UP,
AND YOU'RE TOO SICK
TO EVEN EXPRESS YOURSELF
IN WORDS.
THAT'S WHY I DECIDED
TO KILL PENN FIRST...
SO YOU COULD JUST
HANG AROUND HERE--
FORGIVE ME--
AND SMILE PASSIVELY
WHILE PENN LEARNED
HOW SERIOUS DEATH CAN BE,
AND I'LL SEE
HOW WELL YOU LEARN.
THEN I'LL DECIDE
WHAT TO DO WITH YOU.
IN THE MEANTIME...
I'LL JUST SIT HERE
AND WATCH
YOUR BLOOD VESSELS POP.
[CLICK]
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?
I HAVEN'T SEEN THAT.
TELLER.
[BANG]
SUR-SURPRISE.
HA HA HA!
YOU GUYS.
TH-THAT'S PENN.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU'RE THE ONE
THAT SHOT HIM.
WHAT?
CARLOTTA.
CARLOTTA!
HA HA HA!
OH!
WOO!
WOW!
THIS IS GREAT.
LOOK AT THAT STUFF.
OHH.
YOU...
YOU AND PENN.
THIS IS THE BEST.
HA HA HA!
THIS IS THE BEST!
WOO!
IT WAS A VERY MEAN JOKE.
IT WAS, AND IT'S
NOT WORKING ON ME.
DON'T EVEN TRY IT.
YOU SWITCHED IT.
WHEN?
WHAT?
FAKE GUN.
YOU SWITCHED IT
FOR THE REAL GUN
WHILE I WAS AT--
WHAT REAL ONE?
THE ONE I BOUGHT.
AT THE PAWNSHOP
ON KENTUCKY AVENUE.
TO PROTECT PENN.
OK. CUT IT OUT.
GET UP, PENN.
IT ISN'T FUNNY!
GET UP!
[BANG]
HE'S DEAD.
WHAT?
HE'S DEAD.
PENN'S DEAD.
REALLY?
YES!
[CRYING]
HA HA HA!
NO HARD FEELINGS.
[BANG]
OH!
[DOG BARKING]
[BABY CRYING]
[CRASH]
HA HA HA!
IT WASN'T SO MUCH
AN ACTING JOB.
I MEAN,
IT WAS AN ACTING JOB--
THE MOST INCREDIBLE
ACTING JOB I'VE EVER HAD.
WE DID THIS
JUST FOR TELLER.
HA HA HA!
AND I WAS THE PSYCHO
PENN & TELLER FAN,
AND PENN AND HIS
CRAZY GIRLFRIEND
ARE, LIKE,
REALLY OBSESSIVE.
THEY GOT MY PICTURE
IN THE MUG SHOT BOOKS.
I'M SNEAKING AROUND
WITH THESE REAL GUNS
WITH BLANKS IN THEM.
PENN TAUGHT ME TO USE
THIS BREAKAWAY KNIFE.
EVEN TELLER DIDN'T
SEE ME DO THE MOVE.
I'M TELLING YOU,
IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
THEY HAD ME WEARING
THIS RED FINGERNAIL.
I FORGET I HAVE IT ON.
WOMEN WOULD
LOOK AT ME STRANGE.
PENN WAS PLEASED
WITH MY PERFORMANCE.
THEY MIGHT USE ME
IN THE MOVIE.
GREAT!
SO IT WAS
GOOD EXPERIENCE
AND GOOD
FOR MY CAREER.
THEY WOULDN'T
LET ME TELL ANYBODY.
THEY WON'T MIND ME
GOING TO THEIR PARTY?
NO. IT'S OK.
IT'S GOING TO BE FUN.
YOU'LL LIKE
PENN & TELLER.
THEY'LL DO
ANYTHING FOR A LAUGH.
[BUZZ]
HA HA HA!
HA HA HA!
YOU'RE RIGHT.
SO, UH...
THIS THEIR IDEA
OF SOME KIND OF JOKE?
OH, JESUS!
EVERYTHING
IN THIS APARTMENT
HAS MY NAME ON IT.
IT'S DESIGNED
TO MAKE IT LOOK
LIKE I'M A PSYCHO
THAT WANTS TO KILL
PENN AND TELLER.
COME ON, MAN. COME ON.
THEY'LL
NEVER BELIEVE ME.
I-I-I CAN'T--
I CAN'T
GO TO PRISON.
I CAN'T TAKE PRISON.
I'LL CRACK,
FALL TO PIECES.
JUST TELL THEM
IT WAS PENN'S IDEA.
[BANG]
MY LIFE IN POLITICS
IS OVER.
I NEVER EVEN MET
THESE PEOPLE!
OH, I HATE
PENN AND TELLER!
NOT CONTENT
JUST TO DESTROY THEMSELVES!
FUCK.
WELL, I'M SURE
ONE OF THESE PEOPLE
HAS GOT TO HAVE
SOME BULLETS ON HIM.
HA HA HA!
OK.
[GUNSHOT]
IN THAT BUILDING.
IT MUST JUST
BE SOME KIDS
WITH FIRECRACKERS.
YEAH.
IT STILL GIVES ME
THE CREEPS, THOUGH.
YOU KNOW, THEY SAY
YOU GET USED TO IT.
YOU DON'T
GET USED TO IT.
YOU CHANGE, BUT YOU
DON'T GET USED TO IT.
YOU NEVER
GET USED TO IT.
I STILL CAN'T
FORGET THAT NIGHT,
THAT HORRIBLE,
HAUNTING NIGHT...
THAT DEADLY NIGHT,
WHEN MY FIRST PARTNER...
OH.
THAT MUST
HAVE BEEN AWFUL.
I'M SURE I COULDN'T
HAVE TAKEN THAT.
I LIKE
THE LAW ENFORCEMENT
BUSINESS,
BUT WHAT I REALLY LIKE
IS THE PAPERWORK.
I LIKE WATCHING THE LAWS
GET INTERPRETED DAY-TO-DAY,
BUT I CAN'T STAND
VIOLENCE.
I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT
FOR THE STREETS.
I WISH I COULD
GET BACK IN MY OFFICE.
I LOVE OFFICE WORK.
MY BACKGROUND,
IT'S ALL CLERICAL.
YOU'LL SEE
AWFUL THINGS.
I CAN'T TELL YOU WHEN,
BUT LOOK WHAT IT
DID TO ME.
I'M ABOUT TO RETIRE,
ABOUT TO ENTER
MY GOLDEN YEARS,
AND WHAT HAVE I GOT?
NOTHING.
MY WIFE LEFT ME.
MY KIDS HATE ME.
MY RETIREMENT PAY,
I'LL HAVE JUST ABOUT
ENOUGH MONEY
TO SPEND MY FINAL DAYS
IN A DRUNKEN STUPOR.
I'M AN ALCOHOLIC,
YOU KNOW.
IT'S NOT
THE SUFFERING
THAT BOTHERS ME.
IT'S THE FACT
THAT IT'S SENSELESS.
WHAT APARTMENT
WAS IT?
HERE WE ARE--5 H.
[BUZZ]
POLICE!
OPEN UP IN THERE!
OK.
[CRASH]
OH, JESUS.
OH, GOD.
I CAN'T TAKE IT.
I JUST
CAN'T TAKE IT.
DON'T DO IT.
YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.
I DON'T WANT TO!
GOOD-BYE, MY FRIEND!
[GUNSHOT]
[THUMP]
OH, I GUESS
THERE WAS NO WAY
I COULD HAVE STOPPED HIM
FROM TAKING THE EASY WAY OUT,
BUT I CAN'T LOSE
ANOTHER PARTNER.
I MEAN,
NOT THE SAME WAY.
OK, SO I'M A COWARD.
SO MY KIDS DON'T GET
THE LIFE INSURANCE MONEY.
BASTARDS NEVER WRITE ME.
[GUNSHOT]
[THUMP]
WHAT'S ALL THE RACKET
UP THERE?
UH!
HONEY, I GUESS
YOU SHOULD COME UP HERE
OR CALL THE POLICE!
♪ I STARTED A JOKE ♪
♪ WHICH STARTED
THE WHOLE WORLD CRYING ♪
WHAT?
♪ BUT I DIDN'T SEE ♪
[GUNSHOT]
♪ THAT THE JOKE WAS
ON ME... ♪
OH, NO!
[PENN]
OH, YEAH!
[GUNSHOT]
WE'RE DEAD,
AND THERE'S NO WAY OUT.
IT COULDN'T BE A GAG.
WE WON'T HAVE A CHARACTER
WAKE UP FROM A DREAM.
THE MOVIE IS CALLED
PENN & TELLER GET KILLED.
WE HAD TO GET KILLED
AT THE END.
WE WERE MARRIED
TO THAT ENDING.
NOW WE'VE ACTUALLY
KILLED OFF OURSELVES,
AND THERE'S
NO TAKING THAT BACK,
AND THIS WHOLE PULL BACK,
THIS IS NOT US
GOING TO HEAVEN.
I MEAN,
THOSE WERE SUICIDES,
FROWNED UPON
BY EVERY MAJOR WESTERN RELIGION,
AND ATLANTIC CITY
IS IN THE WESTERN WORLD,
SO PENN AND TELLER ARE DEAD.
HA HA HA!
THAT'S IT. THANKS.
HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT.
YOU CAN IMAGINE THE SEQUEL THING
IS KIND OF A BITCH.
WHY DIDN'T WE
JUST USE DIFFERENT NAMES?
[GUNSHOTS CONTINUE]
♪ TILL I FINALLY DIED ♪
♪ WHICH STARTED
THE WHOLE WORLD LIVING ♪
♪ OH, IF I'D ONLY SEEN ♪
♪ THAT THE JOKE WAS ON ME ♪♪
[GUNSHOT]
CAPTIONING PERFORMED BY
THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING
INSTITUTE, INC.
CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 1989
LORIMAR FILM
ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY