Paul F. Tompkins: Driven to Drink (1998) - full transcript

Hey Pat, what's up?

Hey man, where you coming from?

The other guy Ted
who comes in on Sundays,

He had a party.

How was it?

Um, stupid, ridiculous,

too crowded,
I don't know why I went.

Open bar?

Hardly anybody was drinking though.

Did you pick up the slack?

Tried my best.



It was a big Hollywood party too,

but nobody was drinking.

Everybody just nursed their
one drink for two hours.

Why doesn't anyone drink anymore?

What happened to the great
drinkers of the golden age?

These new people all
worried about their careers.

My god, Clark Gable got drunk
and ran a guy over,

They gave him a ticket.

What was it like?

As soon as I walk in
the first thing I see

is a guy walking around with
a cockatiel on his shoulder.

Just a guy walking around
with a bird on himself.

And everyone's acting

like this is the most
natural thing in the world.



Nobody takes any notice of it.

I figure, this guy has gone
through the trouble

to bring a live exotic animal
to a party,

Maybe he wants a bigger reaction.

maybe I could make
this guy's day.

Pardon me, sir...

is that a bird on your shoulder?

Well, you must be one
fascinating individual.

Your personality is not
at all manufactured.

I say, what if we were
to exchange addresses

and became pen-pals?

That way I could collect your
letters in a bound volume entitled

"My correspondence with the most
interesting person alive"!

You can have whatever
kind of pet you want,

'cause we got dominion
over the beasts of the fields.

But here's the thing...

Maybe even animals
need some alone time.

How about that?

Maybe the bird didn't want to go
to a party that night.

Maybe he wanted to stay at home
and play with the bell

or look in the mirror, you know?

Maybe your pets don't
want to come with you

on all your jackass errands.

Yeah, c'mon, Cecil,
let's go to the bank

so everyone can see how eccentric I am!

Hey buddy,

How much fun do you think the
bird is having at the party?

Are wild animals known for their
love of unfamiliar surroundings

and large groups of strange people?

Wow, you said that to him?

No.

All I'm trying to do

is get to the bar which is on
the other side of the room.

I have to weave through
all these people to get there.

So, I'm on my way over

and this guy asks me for the time,

So I tell him and he says,
"Oh, thank you,

I can't wear a wristwatch."

I said, do you have one of those
electromagnetic field things?

"No, no, I just find it's too confining,

takes away your freedom."

Yeah, I guess that's true.

You know when a watch
comes in really handy?

When you want to know
what time it is.

That's when watches
get their chance to shine.

The guy's so smug about it

like somehow he's better than me
for not wearing a watch.

"I'm too free-spirited
and bohemian to wear a watch.

"So I'll just ask you what time it is.

You serve the man, right?"

You know, if you're that free-spirited,

why not go all the way with it?

Why not just refuse to know
what time it is ever?

Just go ahead and ruin people's
weddings and surprise parties.

"I'm sorry, man, time is so oppressive.

I took a guess and
wandered on over here."

Just throw away your calendars.

"Oh, I'm sorry, was
that funeral yesterday?

I'm just too enlightened, I guess."

The best part of this guy...

He had a beeper, a beeper!

How can you feel confined
by the trappings of time

but still be at the beck and call

of the next nutrageous audition?

Let me just check my self-imposed
house arrest shackle,

see what my next move is.

That's unfair, 'cause a lot
of people with beepers do...

deal drugs.

Alright...

trying to get to the bar.

I realize as I'm walking over there

I'm the only guy here
wearing a suit.

That's okay, that's no problem.

But everyone's baffled by this.

The guy with
the bird on his shoulder,

everyone's fine with,
that makes perfect sense.

They got to understand the suit.

This one guy comes up to me,

he's drinking something
out of a jade bottle

that I'm sure is
extracted from some root.

He's wearing a leather jacket
and ripped jeans.

He says to me, "What do you sell?"

I made some little joke or something.

"No, seriously, what do you sell?"

Because I'm wearing a suit?

I would never ask this guy,
which Ramone are you?

How long have you been
living off your girlfriend?

This one woman
comes up to me and says,

"Hi, do you know
how to swing dance?

"I have a friend who goes
swing dancing all the time.

Her name is Peaches, do you know her?"

Alright...

I don't dress this way
'cause I'm a swinger.

I'm not part of any kind of movement.

I don't listen to Louie Prima all day

and then jitterbug all night.

That's a problem of the sober world...

Judgment.

Not that I don't judge,
oh, I judge up a storm.

But here's the difference,

I do my judging silently.

I don't judge people to their faces.

I form my opinions,
I keep them to myself,

and sometimes, albeit very rarely,

I will later be proven wrong
about someone that I have judged.

Here's the great thing...

they never knew they were
being judged in the first place.

Just because you have
a thought or a feeling

doesn't mean it's always
necessary to express it.

See, I walk in here wearing a suit,

you know what people say?

Nothing, they don't care.

So...

Why do you wear suits all the time?

Why wouldn't I?

Why not take advantage of being a man?

It's a great experience to buy a suit.

Every man should go
through that at least once.

What'd the people at the party say

when you explained that to them?

I didn't really say all that...

necessarily, you know, I mostly...

I mostly just gave them a look.

A look?

Yeah.

You know, like utter disdain.

like...

Wow.

Yeah, huh?

Was there anybody famous
at this Hollywood party?

That idiot from
"Going to Malibu" was there.

I met him.

Was he a nice guy?

No, he was a jackass, check it out.

Alright, trying to get to the bar, okay?

I end up halfway over there
talking to this guy Ted,

guy who's party it is,
guy I barely know.

and we're talking and the famous guy

from "Going to Malibu" walks past us.

then Ted, like he's doing us
both a huge favor,

grabs us both and says,
"Have you two met?"

I stick my hand out for
the famous guy to shake it.

And he kind of mumbles something,

and the whole time
he's shaking my hand,

he's looking all around the room.

Why can't he make eye contact?

Is it because he's famous?

It's all too much for him now.

"I'm sorry, man, I can't.

"I can't do regular
human things anymore.

"You know, I'm all
famous and everything.

"It's kind of hard to look at you.

"I'm kind of a genius

so your eyeballs are a 'no zone' for me."

So the famous guy
goes on his famous way.

And I remark to some of
my fellow party-goers that

that seemed rather impolite.

This one guy instantly,

"You have to understand him,
He's very shy."

Shy?

Than what the fuck is
He doing in show business?

How shy can you be to put
yourself on display for a living?

Look at him.

Buddy, let's say that's true,
let's say you're shy.

Here's a little tip to help you
get along in the world.

Next time someone
offers you their hand,

Why don't you take
some of that bullshit

that you turn on for the camera...

and "act" polite?

Instead of treating someone
who didn't ask to meet you

like they're a bug.

If it's that hard for you,
why don't you run lines with a friend?

"Okay, I'll be me..."

"and you be the regular guy.

"Hi.

This is hard, let's go again."

There are genuinely
shy people in the world,

let's leave them out of it.

Alright, I'm trying to get to the bar.

Everyone I pass is talking to me

about how much they hate Hollywood.

They're all blabbing on
about how horrible Hollywood is.

They're not saying anything
really specific,

they're just repeating things
they heard before,

ridiculous general things.

"Oh, I miss the change of seasons..."

"Hollywood makes people different."

"There's no culture here."

Okay, don't try to bullshit me

that you're on some big culture hunt.

the city has museums, it has theater,

it has everything that
every other major city has.

just because you don't
take advantage of it

doesn't mean it ain't there.

number two, the change of
seasons is overrated,

overrated!

It only lasts for a couple weeks

then you're into the miserable season.

I grew up with snow,
I love to look at it.

I love to watch it fall
majestically from the heavens.

I love to cup it in my hands,
I don't like to shovel it.

I don't like risking
a heart attack for weather.

And finally,

Hollywood does not make
anybody into something

they didn't already want
to be in the first place.

It's just like alcohol.

I don't subscribe to the theory

that some people become a
different person when they drink.

I think they're the different
person when they're sober.

Then they get a couple drinks in them

and the real asshole comes out.

It's the same thing with Hollywood.

The person you knew in Iowa

that was nice and kind
and generous and sweet

was waiting all their lives in Iowa

so they could come to Hollywood

and be the asshole
they always wanted to be.

This one woman, she's on a TV show.

She's on a TV show.

She's sitting their with her
warm half glass of wine.

She's saying, "I'd rather live
in a nice town like Portland."

You know what, TV star?

You wouldn't be a TV star in Portland.

That would get old real fast.

ou know what you'd be
if you lived in Portland?

An alcoholic.

You can do that here
and still be in movies.

You know what?
Philadelphia is a nice town,

Why don't you go live there?

I left a spot open for you.

Why shouldn't somebody go live
in Philadelphia or Portland?

Hollywood is a pit.

Pat, Hollywood is the greatest
city on the face of the earth.

What's so great about Hollywood?

I'll tell you what's so great about it.

The other day I'm in my neighborhood,

I'm walking to
my neighborhood drugstore.

What do I see across the street?

I see three people
in "Star Trek" uniforms.

Because part of my neighborhood
is Paramount Studios.

Now these people
don't think anything of it.

They're on their way
to lunch, whatever.

But they're in their work clothes.

And their work clothes
are "Star Trek" clothes.

That's great.

So no one at the party
shared your philosophy, huh?

I'm a man alone, Pat.

Did Maura go with you?

Um, no, Maura was busy.

You guys have a fight?

Mm-hmm.

You know, now I couldn't
even enjoy this crummy party

because she wasn't there to talk
with about how crummy it was.

What was the fight about?

Jesus, I don't know.

She said, "we don't communicate well",

And I said,
"What's that supposed to mean?"

She's the one I need
at some stupid party.

Somebody I can sit with
on a couch and say,

"Look at that guy."

But we had a fight.

We have these fights all the time

And we're not even going out.

We've been friends for years.

We always have these huge arguments

and neither one of us
knows where they come from.

Actually... I do.

It's because I'm in love with her

and she's not in love with me.

Okay, yeah.

When you put it that way,
it makes sense.

That rings a bell, yeah.

She has a problem with
the way I communicate.

The way I communicate
could not be simpler.

Here's how I would
communicate with you

If I felt you had hurt me in some way,

first I register the hurt,
I'm stunned by it,

I think about it all day long,

and I never mention it to you.

I then think about it
every time I see you after that

and still never bring it up.

Then finally about, oh, I don't know,

four to six months later,

I will explode

at some tiny, barely
objectionable thing you say.

Could not be simpler.

Now with Maura,

because we've known each other
for so long, we're so close.

I do something special with Maura

I don't do for anyone else.

When I'm mad at Maura
I will have an argument with her

that takes place only in my head.

Then...

when I talk to her,

it doesn't go remotely like this
argument that I've slaved over,

that I've given up
my sleep to construct.

I'll lead off with
my prepared sentence,

and she says something that
is way off the script.

Now who has the problem communicating?

She can drink, though.

She can drink a lot.

Is it any wonder I'm crazy about her?

We never fight when we're drinking.

We only fight when we're sober.

I got this theory,

I think there's two different worlds.

I think there's a drinking world
and there's a sober world.

The sober world is not
a pleasant place to be.

It's mean and rude and
judgmental, it's awful.

But the drinking world is wonderful.

You don't fight with your friends.

You become happy,
your troubles go away.

Now some people
will say that's wrong.

People will say you shouldn't
escape into alcohol.

Those people don't know how to drink.

You have to know how to drink

in order to appreciate
the drinking world.

I'm talking about real drinking here.

I'm talking about knowing
what works best for you.

I'm talking about knowing
what your limit is

and going a little bit past it.

I'm talking about knowing

that you have to eat before you drink.

If you remember nothing else
I've said tonight,

remember to eat before you drink.

Now if you know how to drink,

you can escape the sober world,

'cause that's where
the bad things happen.

You don't have hangovers
when you're drinking,

you have them when you're sober.

You don't have blackouts and
the DT's when you're drinking,

you have them when you're sober.

When you're drinking
you're not embarrassed

by anything you do.

You feel shame when you're sober.

If you know how to drink

nothing bad will happen
to you while you're drinking.

People who get sick from drinking,

They have broken
the drinking world's rules.

And they are being punished for it

by violently heaving
their way to sobriety.

Because ignorance of the law
is no excuse for breaking it.

The guy who gets hammered
on tequila in ten minutes

and then cries for two hours

and then goes and wraps
his car around a pole,

He doesn't belong
in the drinking world.

That's why we have A.A.,

which is a wonderful organization.

Because we need to remove these
people from the drinking world.

My one problem with them is

they believe it is up to the individual

to decide when to stop drinking.

I think they could save
a lot of time and trouble

if they would let someone like me,

who knows how to drink,

make that decision for them.

Maybe arrange some sort of
tour of the bars of America,

and I can just go in.

Yeah, you should not, no, you also.

You, nice pacing,
and you, you're a mess.

I know what I'm talking about too

because I am a good drunk, I am.

I'm not mean, I'm not a fighter,
I don't weep.

I just get smiley and
sentimental and I like to sing.

That is a pathetic theory.

Pat, you're telling me
that doesn't make any sense?

So that party wasn't
in the drinking world,

It was in the sober world?

Yeah.

And although you were at that party,

you were in the drinking world?

Yes.

You're an idiot.

Let me explain it to you
so even you can understand it.

Let me tell you a little story.

In Philadelphia, where I'm from,

there's a bar that I used to
frequent called Dirty Franks.

The official name of the bar
was just Franks,

But once you got in there,

you automatically added
the "dirty" all by yourself.

It was a really cheap
shot-and-a-beer place.

And my friends Adam and Rick
and Jewels and I

used to go there all the time
'cause we were all always broke.

Sometimes we'd go in the afternoon,

what we liked to call
"a matinee performance".

One afternoon the four of us are there

and we're sitting in
a booth sharing a pitcher.

Now Adam and Rick and I
are sharing the pitcher.

Jewels is not drinking,
Jewels is sober.

The booths at Dirty Franks
had these copper-top tables,

that if you spilled
a drop of beer of them,

were automatically
soaking wet with beer.

the tables were all just
dripping with beer all the time.

So Rick goes up and gets
a bar rag to wipe our table off.

We finish the pitcher,
Jewels did not have a drop.

We want to do some shots.

The cheapest shot at
Dirty Franks was 'Old Crow'."

Now if you've never had Old Crow,

then you've never accidentally

sprayed hair spray in your mouth.

There's a reason Old Crow
is the cheapest shot

at a very cheap bar.

It ain't good.

So, we get three shots,
three, not four.

Jewels is still not drinking.

We down the shots, now we got nothing.

We got no shots, we got no beer.

We don't have any money.

We're just sitting there
at the wet beer-soaked table.

Then Rick, who was crazy,

not crazy in the fun way,

"What's he gonna do next?"

Crazy in the bad way,

"Oh, I hope we don't go to jail."

Rick was the type of guy to do this...

He takes the bar rag,
he wipes the table down,

he wrings it into his glass,
then he drinks it.

The remaining three of us
are of course horrified at this.

Then Rick, who was also
the type of guy to do this,

points at Adam and me
and says, "Now you do it."

Of course we said, "No way
we're not gonna do that."

But then, somebody,

and I'm not sure who it was, but...

whoever it was, I hate this person,

said, "I'll do it if you'll do it."

Now it might have been Adam.

Adam was fascinating by Rick

and could pretty much
be talked into anything,

just needed a little push.

But, it might have been me

because I probably
wanted to see Adam do it.

And I wasn't thinking ahead.

Alright...

Adam takes the rag,
makes a swipe at the bar,

he wrings the rag into
his glass and he drinks it.

"Oh, goddamn!

It's horrible!" the whole bit.

Now it's my turn.

Now the table is completely dry.

Probably for the first time
in the history of Dirty Franks.

I take the rag and I make
a token swipe of the table.

I wring the rag into my glass.

The liquid is gray.

I bring it up to my face.

And for some reason
I smell it before I drink it.

This is an exceedingly bad idea

because my gag reflex is on
a hair trigger to begin with.

I almost lose it right there,

But I don't.

But I wish I had because then
I would have been excused.

But now because of the holy bond

of "I'll do it if you'll do it",

now I have to drink it

and I know exactly
how bad it's going to be.

So I steel myself, and I drink it.

And it is horrible.

It is the worst thing I've ever tasted.

It's even worse than Old Crow.

So we sit there in silence
for a few minutes.

Jewels is just shaking her head.

Then we leave, okay.

Now Adam and I lived across
the street from each other.

We saw each other just about every day.

For three weeks to a month
after that day

we had the exact same conversation

whenever we greeted each other.

"Hey, man, how's it going?"

"Do you still feel awful?"

"Yeah."

Okay...

Here's what I gathered
from that incident.

First, I did not yet know how to drink.

Because if I had,
that wouldn't have happened.

Since then, through
subsequent trial and error,

I found out what works for me.

No more hard liquor,
I just stick to beer.

That's it, so far so good.

I haven't drunk any
bar rag squeezing since.

From Rick I learned
there were two separate worlds.

Because Rick was crazy,

he had enough shit going on in his
head to entertain him all day long.

He didn't need alcohol to enhance it.

Rick belonged in a world
where there was no drinking.

He belonged in a sober world

where he was both happy and harmless.

I learned that Adam was the idiot

who would drink
the squeezings of a bar rag.

Now Jewels taught me

that the sober world
is not to be trusted.

Because she was sober
and we were drunk.

She had sober reasoning.

She could've put a stop
to the whole thing.

She could've said
something as simple as,

"Hey, don't drink from that rag,
there might be poison in it!"

We would had said, "Yeah,
you're right, thanks."

But no, no, she didn't.

She just sat back
and watched the horror.

Just like America

waiting so long to
get into World War II.

How many innocent lives
could've been saved

if only we'd acted sooner?

So the sober world
is not to be trusted.

Hey, last call.

I'm good, Pat, thanks.

When you're a grown-up...

you get to enjoy beer.

Now you have it,

when you're in high school
and college, you have it.

But when you're an adult,
you really get to enjoy it.

Let's say you work all day,
you're on your way home,

you're really tired.

It's that really good kind of tired,

where you know
that you're on your way home.

Soon you're gonna be at your home.

You're gonna be by yourself
for a little bit.

You get home, you go to your fridge,

You get yourself a bottle of beer.

It's ice cold.

You open it up

and it makes that great sound,
that hissing sound.

Even the cap hitting the counter
makes a great sound.

Go to your living room,
sit down on the couch,

bring that bottle up to your lips.

You can smell that smell,
that beer smell.

It reminds you of what beer smelled
like to you when you were a little kid.

You didn't like the taste of beer.

But now it's a fond memory.

Remembering when you were a little kid

and things were really simple,

and you didn't like the taste of beer.

but now you're a grown-up,
you take a sip.

It really tastes like beer.

You've had plenty of beers
in your life.

But this one reminds you
of what beer tastes like.

Kind of sharp on your tongue,
a little bitter.

It's so cold.

There's nothing else like it,
a nice cold beer.

You're allowed to have it.

Just make sure you eat first.

Craig Anton!