Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (2015) - full transcript
After six years of keeping our malls safe, Paul Blart has earned a well-deserved vacation. He heads to Vegas with his teenage daughter before she heads off to college. But safety never takes a holiday and when duty calls, Blart answers.
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The road of life is always
under construction.
The journey is hard,
but once you reach the
top, the view is amazing.
And that view is even more beautiful
when you have someone to share it with.
Mr. Blart.
For six days.
My beautiful wife of almost a
week let me know by letter
that she had what I like
to call "some regrets."
Her doctor called it
"uncontrollable vomiting."
Honey.
Her lawyer, "Dissolution
of marriage."
That's okay. I needed a
little time to myself.
Like the song says,
"I've been to paradise, but
I've never been to me."
I spent the next two
years losing myself
in the sweet escape of keeping the
West Orange Pavilion Mall safe.
At least I still had the one thing
that never seemed to let me down.
Security.
Are you lost, son?
Anyway, come with me.
- Thank you.
- You're very welcome.
Andy, now give the
fake cop a hug.
We're actually... We're
certified, ma'am.
We take a test and everything.
It's pretty vigorous.
All right, hug him, Andy.
Well, it was nice to
see you, little man.
You know what, ma'am, he
doesn't want to give me a hug.
- And it's okay.
- No, he wants a hug.
- I don't think he does. Hey.
- Okay, Andy, hug him.
- Honey.
- Want to come in?
- Sweetie. You're embarrassing Mommy.
- He doesn't want...
- No, he's not embarrassing me. He's fine.
- Hug him.
He doesn't have to hug me.
I saw white. I saw white.
I'll get him again, ma'am.
I'll find him.
And on the home front,
I always had Mom.
There's my paper.
That is, until she got
drilled by a milk truck.
Didn't know they even
had those anymore.
I guess I was the last
one to get the memo.
Paul Blart had
officially peaked.
Or had I?
"Congratulations, Officer Blart.
You have been selected to join..."
"Congratulations. You have
been accepted to UCLA."
Maya! Come down here! I
got some great news!
Me, too!
Honey, we've been invited to the
Security Officers Trade Association Expo
and award ceremony in
Las Vegas, Nevada!
Vegas? Wow.
Yeah, I think I'm finally
being recognized
for, you know, getting the
mall out of that jam.
Dad, you saved the mall.
They should honor you.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
You know, times have been tough,
but no matter what happens,
as long as I have you by my
side, I'm gonna be okay.
But enough about me.
What's your great news?
Yeah, I just remembered that
we have leftover baked ziti.
What a day!
Yeah.
All right.
- Can I help you with your bags, sir?
- No. That's how they get you.
- I'll be fine on my own, thank you.
- No problem, sir.
Lift with the legs.
With the legs.
We're moving. Here we go.
Nice little break in the day.
We're going again.
We're going again.
Legs.
- Paul Blart?
- Yes, sir.
I thought that was you. Donna
Ericone, Mall of America.
Man, we still talk about
your Black Friday save.
Thank you.
I don't know if you heard.
There's gonna be a surprise
keynote speaker tonight.
Word on the street, it's
gonna be the officer
who's gone above and
beyond the call of duty.
What?
I got to be honest, I had a feeling, but
do you really think that, I mean...
- Who else?
- Yeah.
Unless RoboCop walks
into the room.
Yeah, I would definitely
stand down for RoboCop.
- He's not real.
- No, I know he's not real,
but I would stand down for him.
He ain't real.
Just don't tell
anybody I told you.
- Told me what?
- About the key...
You got me. You done
gone and got me.
That was in the throat.
That was in the throat.
- See you tonight.
- Yeah, okay.
Roger that, Officer Ericone.
That was straight to the throat.
That didn't even glance off the chest.
It went right up.
- May I help the next guest?
- We're next. Here we go. Yes.
- Yello-ha!
- Good afternoon.
- Welcome to the Wynn Resort.
- Checking in.
Absolutely, Mr. Blart.
Mr. Blart.
You're probably thrown
by the travel wear.
- Actually, it's "officer."
- Okay, sorry about that.
Yes, Officer Blart.
I see we have you in a
partial mountain view,
and you requested a bottomless
bowl of Peanut M&M's.
Yeah, it's strictly medicinal.
Unfortunately, I am
cursed with hypoglycemia.
Sugar level drops, so do I.
I'm sorry. Your room
isn't ready yet.
But you can leave your luggage here, and
I will have it delivered to your room.
Dad, I'm starving.
- Can we just go get some lunch?
- Hold the mayo.
Hold on a second here.
You probably didn't
know this, Heath,
but if you check
the Grand Ballroom
and see which group is
booked there this evening,
I think your tune may
change a wee bit.
- Mini Kiss. The cover band.
- Yeah, I'm not with them.
Is there a manager I
could speak with?
You know, she's not
available right now, so...
You're taking my legs
out from under me here.
- Is the Terrace Café open for lunch?
- Yes, it is.
I'm out.
Bring it in, Heath.
Little tighter, bring it in.
Yes.
Just a little bit closer range.
I can't let this out.
But it seems to be that I'm going to be
delivering the keynote speech tonight
at the security
officers' convention.
You know, I think
they canceled that.
They didn't.
But it was downsized
to Conference Room C.
Nope, F.
- Okay, here's a map of the property.
- Okay.
There you are.
- Thank you.
- No, that's yours to keep.
Don't need it. It's already been scanned.
Locked and loaded.
Thank you. Time for some lunch.
- Sir?
- Yeah?
Your daughter and the
restaurant are that way.
Yeah, you had that upside down when I
scanned it. That's why... It's on you.
- Was I lying about the conch fritters?
- You were not.
They're amazing, with just
the right amount of zip.
- Yeah, you got to love the zip.
- I do. I mean, I was born to zip.
I put my hand upon
my hip When I zip
- You zip - We zip
I can't believe you
know that song.
Hey, sir. You actually
forgot your valet ticket.
- Thank you.
- It's free.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go.
You were born to zip?
Since when do you
use the word "zip"?
- I always use the word "zip."
- I don't like it.
Hipster talk.
Everybody's zipping.
You need to slow it
down, young lady.
Look, Dad, you're gonna have to get used
to the fact that I'm a big girl now.
Okay, first of all, we're all big.
We're Blarts.
Wide hips, thick ankles and
a low center of gravity.
That's how the
good Lord made us.
That's why we're no good at running
hurdles, and we never will be.
What is that?
This? It's my vibrating fork.
It forces me to eat slower.
You think I eat fast at home?
On vacation, I'm like a cheetah
chasing a faster cheetah.
Okay, see? Look at
that right there.
It's just fuel. It's just fuel.
Here you go.
- Mr. Blart.
- Shanghai!
Sorry. Sorry to
startle you, sir.
- That's okay. You just hit the trip wire is all.
- Okay.
Well, I'm Divina Martinez,
the hotel's general manager,
and I wanted to apologize
about the confusion
regarding the convention.
And good news, I
upgraded your room.
It has a view of the Strip.
It's ready right now, and I wanted
to give you the keys personally.
Sorry about that.
Although, I must say, you
have very soft hands.
Air bag!
Excuse me?
I sense what you're
doing, Divina.
What am I doing?
Truthfully, being a
bit transparent.
I'm sorry, I don't follow.
Look, I understand
it's the 21st century,
and a woman can go after
hers just like a man.
- Dad, I'm pretty sure she wasn't...
- Tadpole, this is grown-up stuff. Okay?
Look, I know it
takes two to tango,
but my dancing shoes are
currently out for repair.
- Sir, I'm sorry if I...
- Apology not needed.
Just know I'm working my way
through a maze of personal fire,
and until the flames
of chaos subside,
I'm just not ready for
public consumption.
I understand, sir.
Have a great stay.
It's not just me, right? I
mean, she was relentless.
Relentless.
What troubles you, my pet?
I just had the strangest exchange
with that guy over there.
Yeah.
He accused me of hitting on him.
Funny.
They say overweight people use
humor to achieve affection.
You know what, that makes sense.
Excuse me, Ms. Martinez?
- Our VIP guest has arrived.
- Thank you.
Okay.
Welcome back to Wynn Las Vegas, Mr.
Sofel.
We have the accommodations you
requested all ready for you.
If you need anything at all, please,
don't hesitate to call either myself
or our head of security, Mr.
Furtillo.
You guys took me for a lot
of money on my last visit.
Well, I hope you're able to
turn that around this time.
I plan to.
I got to say, I don't know
how this is an upgrade.
I'll tell you what, Maya, you take the bed.
I will take the rollaway.
Dad, this is your convention. You
can't sleep on the rollaway.
I certainly can, okay? I once
fell asleep raking leaves.
We'll figure it out later.
I got to get going.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay.
Thanks for telling me
Victoria's secret.
What do you think you're
wearing, youn glady?
A bathing suit?
Maybe for an elf.
Decorum. De-cor-um.
- I was just going to hang out by the pool.
- Yeah, well, not in that, you're not.
Fine.
- Then I'm going exploring.
- Hold up.
- You got your extra phone battery?
- Yes.
- Flashlight?
- Always.
- Hot pepper spray?
- Check.
- Pocketknife keychain window smasher?
- I do.
- Baby road flares?
- Yes, I've got it all!
One more second here. There.
I've set it to monitor, so I can
hear everything that's going on.
No way. I already feel
like a SWAT unit.
Maya! Security is a mission.
Not an intermission.
Well, let's see if I bankrolled
the right NSA agent.
- How's that?
- So far, so good.
Excuse me, guys,
but we have a complaint
about the noise.
That's why we have you.
Gotta say, Henk, nice uniform.
Right? Look at that. Smiley.
You don't want to know what
it took to get the real deal.
No, I don't.
Okay.
They've moved several of the
pieces in the last few days.
Here's the new
locations of all 13.
Perfect. All right, I want to be in and
out in less than nine hours, people.
Sync up.
Sync.
Let's go!
Yes, shooter, yes! Yeah!
- What's all the hoopla, friend?
- This guy's crushing.
I'm literally running out
of room for my chips.
He's on the greatest
run I've ever seen!
Sir, you're gonna have to place a bet
if you want to stand at the table.
I don't know how to play
craps, but I'll tell you what,
Lady Luck's certainly been
in my corner as of late.
So I am in, okay? What do I do?
It's easy. Give me $60.
We'll place the six.
- $60.
- 60 bucks.
Wow, this is exciting. I got
to be honest, very exciting.
Sir, can I get you a drink?
You know what, how
much for a root beer?
'Cause I'm currently very invested in Mr.
Wynn's casino.
- Well, actually, it's complimentary.
- Complimentary.
I love it! Root beers
around the horn!
What do you... Just one is fine.
Just one.
Sir, come on. This
table's really hot.
- Give me 20 bucks for the hard six.
- Okay, $20.
- Give me $20 for the hard eight.
- $20.
- Give me $25 for the horn high yo.
- $25.
- Give me $20 on the field.
- That's all I have.
- The field is out there.
- No more bets.
All right! I've never
felt more alive!
Shooter, come on! Number...
Seven out. Craps.
- Loser!
- Fat guy ruined it.
- You lost everything.
- You suck!
Get your bets down, C and
E's, horn bets, high-lows.
- Get this game going.
- Your root beer, sir.
Thank you.
Yeah, I would love that.
That's a very good choice.
Nice. Gold.
Yeah, exactly. It was him.
You guys...
Let's go.
How long have you worked here?
Not too long. Is that your dad?
I wish I could say no right now.
I'll be right back.
- Dad?
- Hey!
See you later, Tom and Rita. You
guys are awesome. Take care.
I'll see you at the reception.
I'm not gonna go.
I'm not gonna go.
I'm not gonna go.
- Dad, are you spying on me?
- Spying?
- No. No, no, no. I...
- Dad, you're embarrassing me!
I'm sorry you feel that way.
I'll leave you alone.
Please.
Blart!
Saul Gundermutt,
head of the Security
Officers Trade Association.
- I catch you at a bad time?
- No. No, no. It's a pleasure, sir.
Pleasure's mine.
And I just want you to know that I
got you sitting at my table tonight.
I got to say, sir, I
am just so excited.
I'm gonna be honest, I
did hear rumblings.
- Rumblings?
- About the keynote.
Yeah. Well, with good reason.
Nick Panero's giving it.
Great guy, great guy-
Yeah, Nick Panero. Those
were the rumblings.
That is just terrific.
It really is. That's...
I'm so happy.
You know, maybe I could
meet him sometime.
- Pick his brain...
- Here's your chance.
Blart, Officer Nick Panero
and Officer Gino Chizetti.
- Hey, Officer Panero.
- Hold the applesauce, hotshot.
I heard of you. Rumor has it you thought
you were giving the keynote tonight.
- He thought he was giving it.
- You thought you were giving it?
- No. You know what, I never said...
- Man, you gotta stop
bringing up that Black
Friday thing, Blart.
- It was, like, six years ago.
- You got to let it go.
I never brought up Black Friday.
I heard you're pretty good
on one of those things.
I've been known to dabble.
I... I really shouldn't.
Actually, sir, you can't.
I'll need a valid driver's license if
you want to take it for a test drive.
Yeah, I'm all-access, if you'll
peep the laminate, okay?
Let me just nudge her
out of whisper mode.
Okay, well, I see you know
your way around a pl 33.
I do, I do, but this
gal's a bit tired.
I got a modified i2
Commuter myself.
Still gonna need a
valid license, though.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
How's that? Is that
valid enough for you?
That was pretty valid, huh?
- Yeah.
- Please be careful, sir.
It's about weight distribution.
Make sure both your hands
are firmly on the grips.
I guess you wouldn't
want me doing this!
- Yeah!
- Please don't.
Missed.
Blart!
- You see that?
- That's not good.
Still got the laminate.
Dad, are you okay? You should
really get checked out.
Pumpkin, my body's fine.
It's my ego that took a hit.
It turns out I'm not giving
the keynote tonight.
Well, you know what?
You should call a cop,
because you got robbed.
Well, thanks, kitten.
Technically, I don't need a cop.
- It's a figure of speech, Daddy.
- No, no, I know.
I'm just saying, you know, just
that cops think they're all that,
and I don't like it.
I do not like it.
Boy. We got a
meet-and-greet in 15.
I was wrong! The body does hurt.
Lactic acid!
Honey, you're not even dressed.
Come on.
As exciting as that sounds, I think
I'm just gonna take a bath and a nap.
I'm kind of tired.
Okay, yeah. I mean,
no, you should...
You should get some rest.
Well, I'll come back and get
you for dinner at Bartolotta,
'cause we got
reservations at 6:00.
- It's supposed to be the real deal.
- Gotcha.
Hey. Dad?
I'm really sorry
about the speech.
I'll see you later.
I got this one guy against the wall. He's
really sweating. He knows it's over.
Then out of the corner of my
eye I see this other guy,
and then I turn to him and I
say, "Hand over the yogurt."
It was over that fast.
- Lights out.
- Lights out.
Hey, how much you
pay for that belt?
I don't know. It was a
gift from my daughter.
You got a guy?
'Cause I got a guy.
No, I don't have a belt guy.
- That's crazy. What, you don't got a belt guy?
- No, I don't have a belt guy.
Khan Mubi. Nice to meet.
Khan Mubi. Nice to meet.
Nice to meet you.
It's been a heck of a day, and
that embrace certainly helped.
So thank you. First one warmed
me up, this one brought it home.
I think you kissed the shoulder.
All right, thank you.
My pleasure.
- Okay.
- It's time to go.
It is. And I think the
doors are open, so...
What's the latest, friend?
The Big Sticky Mess.
A grenade launcher
that shoots glue foam.
Marbles. You can't run with
these under your feet.
You can't even stand.
The Vitru Sonic Taser
renders your assailant
incapacitated for five
seconds at a time.
- Hey, Paul.
- Hey, Saul. What you got there?
It's getting revealed
tomorrow at the luncheon.
It's a prototype. I'm not
supposed to show anybody,
but since you're into gyro-performance
vehicles, take a gander.
Things will never be the same.
No!
Are you kidding me? Great.
- Are you okay?
- Thank you so much.
- Okay, here we go.
- Thanks.
- See you.
- Have a good day.
Hey, check it out, guys.
When you want them to pay the
price, you reach for The Finisher.
The most effective non-lethal beanbag
firearm on the market today.
Why don't you give it a spin?
- Me?
- Yeah. It's easy.
Okay.
Laser focus.
Exhale, pull the trigger.
Predator.
The adjustments are off on the sight.
I can tell, it's a little off here.
That's the problem.
- Paul Blart, Mall Cop.
- Yes, sir?
Eduardo Furtillo, head of
security of Wynn Las Vegas.
Pleasure to meet a
fellow brother-in-arms.
You know, a fun fact for
you, you might not notice,
but Mr. Furtillo here, being
the head of security,
is in a black coat while...
- I'm sorry, son, I didn't get your name.
- Jenkins.
Jenkins is in a purple coat.
See, there's a hierarchy of coat colors
based on their security responsibilities.
Black, gray, pine, and
then, last, purple.
Sorry, no offense.
You're wearing a polyester
shirt with Spanx underneath.
Yes. Good catch.
- I see you admiring the non-lethals.
- Yeah.
I guess they don't trust
you with the real stuff?
No, they do, but
we choose not to.
I mean, what are you
really guarding anyway?
Cell phone covers and Cinnabon?
There's also three ATMs
and a Dave & Buster's
that just is off the hook after 9:00.
It just gets crazy.
By the way, as a
professional courtesy,
I'm happy to keep my eyes peeled for any
irregularities while I'm here, so...
Hey. Closer.
Closer.
Since I was named head of
security five years ago,
we have not had so much
as a towel go missing.
Your mother must be very proud
of your accomplishments.
That got real.
Wow, that was impressive.
Was it me, or did he smell
like tobacco and vanilla?
'Cause I got a... I don't
know if it's cologne...
Let's just get some yogurt.
Maya?
Honey, I've been
thinking about the menu,
and I don't care, I'm
going double parm. So...
Sunshine, you still in the tub?
Honey?
Get me security!
That's so cool, you got into UCLA.
You must be stoked!
Not really. I haven't
been able to tell my dad.
Why not? That's huge! Don't
you think he'll be excited?
I don't think he can handle it.
My parents were thrilled
when I got my GED.
That is so cool your parents
support you like that.
Yup. Third time was the charm.
I'm not kidding. Was
closer to four, actually.
No. I got to go. I was supposed
to meet my dad for dinner.
- Okay, cool. Maybe I'll see you later.
- Yeah. I hope so.
Yeah, okay.
My daughter's missing. She's
not answering her phone.
Mr. Blart, I want you to know that
we will get to the bottom of this,
despite our differences.
Differences?
We need to establish motive.
Do you have a lot of money?
- Define "a lot." I mean, there's...
- Any.
No. Actually, I don't
have a lot, no.
All right, are you
an important man?
Well, you know, that
depends who you ask.
I got to be honest.
Could this be some
domestic situation?
- Your wife got angry?
- I'm not married.
- Your girlfriend found out you...
- No girlfriend, I don't have a girlfriend.
- Does anybody love you?
- Yes. My daughter,
and she's been kidnapped.
You know, since she's an adult,
normally we're not gonna file
a missing persons report
till she's gone for
at least 24 hours.
Well, let me tell you something.
I've been in the security
game for over 16 years,
and I've seen things that
you would not comprehend.
Understand this. We are
pulling the trigger, boys.
Now, I need you to establish a
perimeter and lock down the premises.
- You going to answer that?
- We're losing precious time!
This is Officer Blart. I
need to keep this line...
Yep. No, no. Okay. I see.
Yes. No, no, I can't...
I can't...
I can't talk about it right now.
Okay, okay, okay. Now,
we're gonna talk...
We're gonna talk about it later.
We're gonna talk about...
I gotta get going. I'm going.
Yeah, that was my daughter. She's
calling from the restaurant.
She just... She just called.
She's good.
My agents are highly
trained professionals
that do not have time
to let you play out
your little fantasies about
being a real cop, Mr. Blart.
Totally understand. I get it.
Yeah, you're right.
It is Officer Blart.
Hey, Dad. I ordered
your favorite.
Really? Well, you know what?
I've lost my appetite.
What has gotten into you?
You lied to me.
You said you were taking a nap.
- Well, I was going to, but...
- You never called me once.
You leave the bath filled, which
could have caused water damage,
candles lit, which could have
burnt down Las Vegas, Nevada.
I'm sorry. It's just that Lane
invited me to go out to the pool...
Lane? Lane? That's what
this betrayal's about?
Chicken Chow Lane?
Dad, people are looking.
What happened to her, Maya?
What happened to the pristine
girl who could never tell a lie?
What happened to my
little George Washington?
- George Washington?
- He could never tell a lie.
He was full truth
in a powdered wig.
- I think you're overreacting.
- Really?
And when were you gonna
tell me about that?
- Where did you find this?
- Please, Maya,
I'm a highly trained
security specialist.
You can't expect to
keep secrets from me.
I didn't think I'd get in.
I didn't even know
you applied there.
What happened to Central Jersey
Applied Technical Junior College?
We're talking about UCLA here.
Yeah, I thought we were
talking about CJATJC.
Dad, you don't understand.
I have a chance to
go to California.
Maya, California,
it's too far away.
Well, think about it this way.
You could come visit me in the wintertime
when it's really cold in Jersey.
Of course I can, if I want some
smog on my earthquake flakes!
You know what? I've decided.
I'm going.
Wait, wait. You just decided?
Well, you know what?
Decision overruled.
Judge Blart now in session!
I know you've lost a lot
lately, and you're scared,
but what you're doing
right now is so wrong.
I'm going to UCLA.
Maya, Maya, you get back...
Maya.
Paul? I catch you at a bad time?
I want you to meet the wife.
- Okay.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, yeah.
- Are you here with your wife?
- Daughter.
- Yeah.
It's our last trip together
before she goes off to college.
Crusher.
- Gosh, ours just went last year.
- Yeah.
It was just as
depressing as Idaho.
Yeah, the silence
was unbearable.
I mean, the house was like
a cold tomb of loneliness.
Anyway...
- I would get so sad.
- Honey.
When you would leave for work,
I would just fire up the Sarah
McLachlan, walk into her closet
and smell the sweaters
that she left behind.
Yeah, I smell them. I
smell the sweaters.
Well, at least I have this
little angel to get me through.
I mean, can you imagine
- trying to get through it alone?
- No, I couldn't do it.
- Could not do it.
- I could never do that alone.
- I love you.
- Love you, too.
Can't wait to meet your wife.
- Yeah, that'd be terrific.
- Yeah.
- Vegas, baby!
- Let's hit the tables!
Have her call me if you want to
get her nails done or whatever.
All right.
Problem?
They've already upgraded the lock on Mr.
Van Gogh to the dual control.
You said the upgrades weren't
scheduled till tomorrow.
Because that is what the
security e-mail said.
Now, I do have a
guy on the inside
who was supposed to alert
me if the schedule changed.
Obviously, he didn't.
Options.
We disable both controls
at the exact same moment
with a thermal lance.
Now, it can be done,
but that's gonna push us back.
Okay. Let's switch out all the other
pieces before the rest get upgraded.
Then we can focus
on the van Gogh.
It's number one on our buyer's list,
and I am not leaving without it.
Everybody listen up.
We're going now.
Now, we're leaving the
van Gogh for last,
so Nadia will coordinate
the new order.
They say Las Vegas has the
best security in the world.
Well, we're about to find out.
Bring me your guy on the inside.
- What'd I do?
- You don't get it.
- You just do not get it.
- Get what?
I said you had nice
hair and nice teeth.
- Officer needs assistance.
- Don't you get it?
You smell like peat moss and curry,
and I think I'm gonna throw up.
You don't want to
go out with me?
Whoa. Seems to me like two nice people
are trying to board the peace train,
but she seems to have derailed.
Look, this hairy, drunk rent-a-cop
confused "go away" for "hit on me."
- Hey...
- Ma'am, Officer Panero here,
who, in my professional
opinion, doesn't seem drunk,
has at least three years'
training in distress recognition.
I'm sure he sensed that an
attractive lady sitting by herself
most likely seemed a bit lonely.
So before you retreat behind
that wall we all put up,
just know that Officer
Panero was here for you.
Maybe I overreacted.
And he's giving the
keynote tonight.
- Pleasure to be here.
- He's blotto.
Sort of like someone's
mother last Columbus Day.
Will you let it go? It
was a half box of wine.
She's very patriotic.
Well, there's no way
Panero can go on.
We need a leader right now that can
step up, take the reins and inspire us.
I understand.
I tried contacting Officer Ferguson from
TSA, but he must have his phone off.
I mean, my hands are tied.
Paul?
Can you step up to the
plate and save us?
I'm gonna need my dress whites.
Come on.
- Your uniform, as requested, Officer Blart.
- Thank you very much.
Here you go.
I am the general manager of this
resort, so I don't take tips.
And I don't normally deliver
dry cleaning either,
but I just... I
wanted to clarify
that I was not making
advances towards you earlier,
nor would I, ever.
Look, I understand you
have no control over this.
Integrity is a bewitching gumbo,
but I'm preparing now,
internally, to give the keynote.
So if you don't mind, okay?
Look, this is crazy.
I'm actually dating someone.
Please, ma'am, I practically
invented the fake boyfriend thing.
What?
Listen, you have no bearing
on my life whatsoever.
Your lip is sweating.
It's sweating.
There is an audience out there
of security professionals
that paid good money
to hear you speak.
They want to hear you.
That's not true. They didn't pay
anything, but they do deserve your best.
They deserve it.
They deserve it.
Yeah, come on, man.
Just loosen up, baby, loosen up.
Coming at you! I'm
gonna be coming.
Bring it to them,
bring it to them.
I'm getting tight.
I'm getting tight.
I can't breathe, man.
That's orange chicken.
What am I gonna say?
What am I gonna say?
I got to get air. I got to
get air, I got to get air.
I got to get some air.
I got to get air,
I got to get air.
This is nice.
And pulse back in range.
Okay.
Thank you.
Get out of here.
All right.
Hey! Nope, nope, move along.
Get away. Move along.
Get away from me. Hefeweizen!
Get out of here!
Get out of here.
Get out!
My God!
Is there someone you can call?
Can you help me? Can
you call backup?
I hurt my neck, I hurt my neck.
Okay.
Hey, thanks for all your help.
There you are.
- We're about to announce you.
- Okay.
Come on, Maya.
Thanks.
Cool party. Whose suite is this?
The housekeepers are all
good friends of mine.
They let me know when the high
rollers check out early, so...
- You okay?
- Yeah. Everything's great.
I'll be right back. I
got something for you.
I think you're gonna like it.
Yeah!
Very kind, very kind.
Ladies and gentlemen, I know
you're here to see Nick Panero
deliver the keynote speech.
However, due to circumstances
beyond our control,
we've had to bring in a
different speaker tonight.
Yeah, I know, I'm
disappointed, too.
So, instead, how about a
nice, warm Expo welcome
for Officer Paul Blart.
Thank you, Officer Gundermutt.
Is it warm in here,
or am I ordering my next uniform
from Rochester Big and Humid?
I am honored to be here,
in the presence of the
greats from the past.
Just looking at these faces reminds me
of the questions so many people ask.
Why do we do it?
Why walk a beat knowing
that on a typical day
you'll get zero
pats on the back?
But you know what you will get?
A whole lot of ridicule.
What are you doing here?
I thought Mini Kiss was playing.
What are you doing here?
I get it. We're easy targets.
People call us heavy,
skinny, lumpy.
They point out our bad skin.
What is it that we
all have in common?
In the words of Joseph Conrad,
who wrote some really long
books about sailing and stuff,
"We live as we dream."
"Alone."
Turns out I am giving
the keynote after all,
so it'd mean a lot if you
could be there, peanut.
You were supposed to tell me
- if the schedule got moved.
- Let's calm down.
And no one told me anything.
I'm sorry. Bye.
Get her.
And yet, when people ask
me, "Why do you do it?"
I have to laugh.
'Cause they think
I have a choice.
I don't.
I, like you, didn't
choose security.
Security chose me!
Every morning, I pull my
pants on one leg at a time,
and I slip on my
soft-soled shoes,
and I hear the same
calling you do.
"Help someone today."
Come on, Dad.
"Help someone today."
Sounds easy, doesn't it?
But if being a security officer
was easy, anybody could do it.
Anyone can do it.
Takes a certain breed.
Someone who has Spidey-senses
when things are going wrong.
Sure, you can meet all kinds of
people in this line of work.
Your shoplifters,
your pickpockets,
your freeloaders
stealing a nap in a
Brookstone massage chair.
- They're the worst.
- Don't get me started.
And there's the old lady who can't
find her car in Parking Level F
'cause she doesn't have a car.
And there is no Parking Level F.
It only goes up to D.
And all of a sudden
you're asking yourself,
"Why do I do it?"
Till the little boy, tears in his
eyes, is tugging on your sleeve.
He says to you,
"Mister, mister, mister."
"Can't find my mommy."
That's why you do it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I Will close with this.
If you believe the purpose of
life is to only serve yourself,
then you have no purpose.
Help someone today!
- Jackpot!
- You nailed it! You nailed it!
Way to 90, Blart!
You go, Paul Blart!
Maya, look, I know
you're mad at me.
- Dad!
- But hear me out.
- Look, I feel just terrible.
- I need your help!
Yeah, and I need your help.
This is what I'm trying to say.
Dad! I saw something in
the Presidential Suite
I guess I wasn't
supposed to see.
- And now they're after me.
- Who?
I don't know.
Angel, please don't worry. I know
exactly what you're dealing with.
It was just somebody
trying to intimidate you.
Trust me, they're all
bark and no bite.
They're coming for me!
Misread it. Okay, sweetheart.
Stay on the phone with me.
I'm on my way!
Maya, use your pepper spray!
Maya, Maya, what's happening?
Maya?
- Maya!
- Thank you.
- Who is this?
- This is Officer Paul Blart
from the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
Who am I speaking with?
Don't you worry about that.
Well, that's not fair. I
already told you my name.
- Now, where's my daughter?
- Your daughter.
Wow, you don't know when to
shut your mouth, do you?
Listen, I don't think you have a
clue to who you're messing with.
Actually, I don't need a clue.
You just told me.
And if you decide to
go to the real cops,
attempt to track this cell phone or
make any attempt to come after me,
boy, I am so crazy,
I'll put you and your
daughter in a world of pain.
Yeah? Well, here's a few things
you don't know about me.
First off, pain is my
copilot, so no problem there.
And second off...
Hello. Hello?
Hello? Hello?
Strange. Okay, let's go.
Get rid of this.
Hey, Yo, have you
guys seen Maya?
- Who's Maya?
- I introduced you to her.
She was the girl I was
talking to right over there.
Dude, he's hammered. She was on
the phone and went that way.
- That way?
- Yeah.
Enjoy-
Maya?
Maya?
Maya?
Looking for someone?
Okay, clear this place out.
This location's
been compromised.
Bring those two to the villa.
Sugar.
Sugar.
Daddy, look at the beautiful flowers.
Can I draw on them?
Not now, honey. Daddy's on the phone.
Go with Mommy.
Must get sugar.
Come on, sugar.
- Please, sir, please.
- Just let us out.
We're not gonna cause any trouble.
We're not gonna say anything.
- Please, sir. Please.
- Sir, please let us out!
- What the heck is going on?
- I think they're stealing art from the hotel.
- From the what?
- From the hotel.
- What is that?
- I got this for you.
Here. It's either
this or sunblock.
Maya.
Have sweet mercy! Oh, my!
I am so sorry, ma'am.
Nope, my fault. I startled you.
- I just feel terrible.
- No. I deserved it.
Can I help you up or get you
some medical attention?
Not necessary.
This just shifts the focus
away from my arthritis.
- You're sure?
- I'm fine.
- Are you gonna want turndown service?
- No, thank you!
Officer, how can I help you?
I need to know who's staying
in your Presidential Suite.
Okay, first of all, you need
to slow things down a bit.
And, secondly, that's actually
against resort policy. So...
I got this, Heath.
Sir, I can help you down here.
Well, I guess I've
been overruled.
Now, what can I do for you?
I need information on who's staying in
your Presidential Suite. It's urgent.
- What's going on?
- I can't divulge that at this moment.
It's top secret stuff, okay?
Just...
Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Blart,
but, unfortunately, I won't be
able to give you that information,
because it is against protocol.
See? I told you I feel
no admiration for you,
so sorry, there are
no special favors.
You're breathing in double time.
Just tell me who's
staying there.
I can't say no to you.
He's a high roller who books
his rooms through his company.
Norbertine Shipping out
of Hamburg, Germany.
Shipping. Thank you.
You're so...
Come on. No.
I think I can short this
and get us out of here.
Or maybe we should
just do what they say.
We've seen what they look like, Lane.
They're not gonna let us go.
- Can I help you?
- Hey.
Muhrtelle.
It's pronounced like
"turtle" or "girdle."
No, Muhrtelle. I got it right away.
I'm pretty good.
- Why are you back here?
- No, I'm from shipping, so...
- I'm from shipping.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm from corporate, so...
If you could give me a moment, I'd
like to place a telephone call.
No, no, no, no. No need, really.
Okay, actually, I'm...
I'm from Internal Affairs Shipping.
Yeah.
Corporate sent me here to check
up on you and your coworkers.
Random selection. No
need to get too nervous.
- Is it okay I eat my lunch?
- Sure, yeah. You might as well.
I'm just gonna fire some
questions at you, though,
vis-a-vis this particular
shipment here.
Now, where exactly did...
Wow, that is the brownest
banana I've ever seen.
That's borderline black. I wouldn't
eat that if I were you. That's...
You're eating it.
He's eating it.
I'm gonna throw up a
little bit, I think.
I think that's poison.
That's sickening.
Where did this ship from?
I don't know. Some man brought
a bunch of these down
from the Presidential Suite.
You mind opening it for me?
Internal Affairs, so I just...
Do you have any identification?
Don't you worry
about that, Turtle.
- I'll ask the questions here.
- Wait.
I want to ask a question.
What do you think you're
doing with that crate?
I was just simply
just checking that...
- Someone's messing with the shipment!
- Radio.
Unacceptable. Kill him.
A mall.
Home-court advantage.
Bingo.
Pain!
This is it. I'm going down.
Took care of some cop.
- For good?
- Don't worry about it. He's gone.
He sleeps with the fishes.
Literally.
Excellent.
Not today, death! Not today!
Sir.
We ask that guests dry off
before entering the casino.
Absolutely. I should
have thought of that.
Why don't you come with me, sir.
I'll get you a dry towel.
That would be great.
On second thought, I think
I'd rather air-dry.
Because you're not who
you say you are...
Ramos.
Excuse me?
The buttons on your
uniform are rivet brass,
made by Cintas uniform supply,
which stopped using that
particular type of metal,
due to humanitarian
reasons, 18 years ago.
Since there's no way
you're a day over 30,
and the Security Association
restricts the hiring
of anybody under the age of 18,
there is no way you are
a security guard here.
You're right.
Headbutt!
That's a very good defense.
One more!
I'm definitely done.
Not this time!
- That was the last one. You have my word.
- All right.
Hey, what's going on?
- Hey. Sorry. Guy's drunk.
- Well, Why'd you let him run off?
- I'll make sure I get him back to his room.
- You do that.
Security's been breached.
Of course.
Eduardo's in on it.
Fool me once, shame on me.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
No, that's me twice.
That doesn't work.
Hey!
Gosh. Come on.
Hey!
That's Paul Blart.
- I'd love to see you up there.
- I would if I had a good hamstring.
- I don't got a good hamstring.
- It's all right.
Who is this guy?
What's going on?
Sorry. Big man on a rope!
Sorry.
This whole thing's like a pool
inside, like an indoor pool.
- It's unbelievable.
- Unbelievable.
Take a dip! Yeah!
Yeah! Sorry. Tuck and roll.
This ain't real.
Thank you, Paul!
What a guy!
Come on, man. I know
you're in here.
Okay.
It looks like we've come
to a fork in the road.
What?
A little too much club.
Okay.
There you go.
Yeah.
- Ramos, it's Henk. Where are you?
- Le Rêve theater.
Some cop may be onto us.
Wait. Big guy? Mustache?
Snug pants?
- Yeah, that's the one.
- I thought he was dead.
- This guy's like a cockroach.
- Where are you?
We're about to move the Botero.
Roger that.
Henk, Ramos, Botero.
Who are these guys?
Come on, Paul, think for Maya.
Think!
All this for stupid art.
Who is Art?
Come on, think.
Windershins! It's about the art!
They're stealing art
from the hotel!
Ramos, this is Henk.
Did you get the new
locations yet?
Henk, you didn't tell
me where you are.
We're in the casino.
Stop calling me.
- Vincent wants you, out.
- Let the games begin.
Found our friend.
Didn't see it. Didn't see it.
That's clean glass. Okay.
- So?
- I'm gonna need about 20 minutes, Vincent.
Move as fast as you can.
No, no, no!
Vincent. Vincent, this is Henk.
- Where are you?
- Waiting for the van Gogh. Where are you?
I'm on my way.
I'm coming for you, Maya.
Could you press one, please?
- Good crowd tonight?
- Yeah.
- Did you guys play Bet"?
- No.
- Great hair.
- Thanks. It's not mine.
- Told you we should play Beth.
- Not now, Frank!
This hotel is solid.
This gift is adorable, but...
The globe lights up
with copper wiring.
My father insists that I keep
an extra phone battery on me.
Stand back.
That should do it.
Come on.
The helicopter is
fueled and ready.
Perfect. What are you doing?
From the hotel gift basket.
- What is that in your hand?
- Oatmeal cookie.
I'm deathly allergic. What
are you trying to do to me?
- Sorry.
- Get rid of it.
- Double back.
- Doubling.
We can't get out through there.
- Pocketknife keychain. Just in case.
- In case what?
I get kidnapped by bad
guys and held hostage.
- It's happened before.
- What?
Room 3402. Charge it, please.
- Hey! Can you help us?
- Absolutely.
Five more minutes, Vincent,
and then we are done.
Secure the painting and
let's get out of here.
We've got less than three
hours to meet our buyer.
Roger that.
All right, Vincent, since you
took something precious from me,
I'm taking something
precious from you.
It's a bad day to be bad people.
Paul, mi amor!
No!
- Van Gogh is traveling.
- Excellent.
I want the truck waiting
in Juérez in one hour.
Yeah!
Enjoy the ride.
See you.
Where's that phone?
Come on.
- Please tell me Blart is dead.
- Yeah, if by dead, you mean
taking out your crew one by one,
and being in possession of
one of your prize paintings.
- Which one?
- I'm gonna say...
- I don't know, sunflowers?
- That's a van Gogh, you idiot.
Yeah, you know what? Well, it's van gone
if you don't ramp down the hurtful words.
- What do you want?
- I want to make a deal.
A swap. A trade.
Suggesting we make an exchange.
- You see, I have the painting...
- I got it.
Meet me at the
Grand Hall, alone.
Time to even the playing field.
Come on, man.
I'm sorry.
You know what?
I made my decision.
If we live, I'm not
going to UCLA.
- Are you sure?
- Yes!
I can't abandon him.
He's never been alone.
We've always lived
with my grandma.
Until a milk truck took
her to a better place.
And then there was those
six days of marriage.
I mean, he still sleeps
with a night light.
Really?
- Is that bad?
- No.
No, a lot of people
are like that.
Yeah, a lot of six-year-olds.
You, come with me.
Have Robinson take
him to the helipad.
- Let's go.
- Maya.
Let's go!
- That's far enough.
- Maya, you okay?
I'm okay.
Well done, Blart.
You thinned my manpower
significantly.
Must be getting pretty...
Lonely out there.
You scared?
Not following you.
Your fear of being alone.
- First your wife dumps you at the altar.
- Wrong.
- She was with me six days.
- Great.
So she got to sample
the merchandise
and was glad she
kept her receipt.
And then your mom
kisses a bus.
It was a milk truck, but
I'll give you that one.
And now your daughter can't
wait to get away from you.
That's not true, Dad.
Well, she's following her
destiny, and I support it fully.
Flag on the play, sloppy.
She says you can't be alone
and that you're doing everything
in your pathetic power
to keep her under your thumb.
- I didn't say that exactly, Dad.
- It's okay, sweetheart.
See, Vincent, I'm
fiercely independent,
yet I'm not a big
fan of being alone.
I'm a contradiction.
I told you I was crazy.
And I told you that I'm crazy.
You can't out-crazy me.
My crazy will take your crazy,
shove it in a metal tube,
fill it with rats,
then blowtorch it
until the rats have no way to escape except
eating their way through your crazy.
Wow. You are oblivious to
the avalanche of insanity
I am about to unload.
You don't know what
I will do to you!
You don't know what
I'll do to you!
I will spin around until I throw
up on you and your friends.
I simply don't care!
I'll stick your face in maple
syrup and make you sing gospel!
How does that blow
your hair back, Blart?
I will crawl inside you and
lay eggs like a baby spider!
I welcome it!
I've got two different
colored eyes!
Shows you how I live my life!
I will bring a folk guitar
to a pumpkin fight,
because that's the way
I was brought up!
Okay, you lost me
on that last one.
Because that's how crazy I am!
Now, give me back my daughter!
Give me my painting!
Pick it up. Pick it up
before he ruins it.
Get back!
Did you honestly think that
I was gonna be thwarted
by some sweaty, sluggish
non-entity like yourself?
"Non-entity."
See, I knew you
couldn't be trusted,
so I took out an
insurance policy.
Allow me to introduce you
to a few of my associates.
Gino Chizetti,
Staten Island
Industrial Complex.
Saul Gundermutt,
Philadelphia Farmers' Market.
Khan Mubi,
King's Landing Walmart.
And last but not least,
Donna Ericone, Mall
of freaking America.
You got to... You got
to fan out, guys.
He can't see you.
Fan it out, fan it out.
You have your own superhero.
What's with the cape?
Why are you wearing
a cape, Khan?
I came straight from a haircut.
Vincent, you just
don't get it, do you?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Are you sure about that?
You see, I have a little
insurance policy of my own.
See, I thought I took
all of you out, what...
Non-lethal. I get it now.
Shame on you.
We are trained to detect,
deter, observe, and report.
But one day, six years ago,
a man did more than that.
And I am that man!
We are that man!
And so I say to you, sir...
Foot Locker!
Give me the gun. Finish them.
Go!
There's a lip on that carpet.
Someone's gonna have to call
that in, get that changed, okay?
Foot Locker!
Dad!
I'm going to the helipad!
Saul! Help me! Help me!
Get back here.
What? What?
- Oh, no.
- You couldn't stay out of the way, could you?
Eduardo, I knew you
were part of this.
How is it a man like you
could win the heart
of a woman like Divina?
What are you talking about?
My daughter's been kidnapped!
- Come on, man!
- Look!
We'll never get to them on time.
Hey, Blart. I heard you
need a little backup.
Fun fact for you, there's
no helipad up here.
But there is over there.
Got it.
We don't have much time.
- Thanks, Nick.
- No hard feelings.
Hold on, Paul!
Oh, boy.
Do not look down!
Don't look up, either!
Knot jump!
Coming in hot!
Dad. Come on.
Hey!
You finish loading.
I'll finish this.
UP YOU go, missy.
All right, guys. Who
took my show hair?
I think Maya's just
seen her future.
Nice punch.
Now, don't move.
You don't move.
Looks like we got ourselves
a sticky situation.
That doesn't sound like something
that can be fixed here.
- You done?
- I am.
Great. So am I.
Oatmeal!
Always bet on Blart.
Dad!
So Paul Blart hadn't
officially peaked after all.
Eduardo and I got
past our differences.
I told him that if he ever wanted
to go where the real action was,
there would always be a job for him
at the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
Officer Blart.
He turned me down immediately.
But I did get to meet
the man himself...
Mr. Wynn.
Who was appreciative that I
saved his art collection.
Very appreciative.
Holy crawfish!
With ail things going my way, I figured
it was time to make a decision
that would change
my life forever.
Paul?
You...
- Look at me now.
- Yeah, okay.
You are a fearless man,
a loving father, a strange,
misshapen superhero.
- Thank you.
- And my heart is yours.
Okay, Divina, listen
very intently.
Some people think that holding
on is what makes one strong.
But in reality,
our only power is in letting go.
But I love...
That's just it.
See, it's easy to fall in love, but
hard to find someone to catch you.
Besides,
you don't love me.
- But I...
- What you love is the mystery.
That's all I am to you.
You know, I'm a lone cowboy.
A renegade.
A Rocky Mountain steed.
But truth be told, Divina,
I'm none of those things.
I'm a simple man.
Now, the qualities you
seek, they're in him.
That man, sitting right over there.
That man,
just longing to catch... He's
crying right now, isn't he?
Yep, he's Crying-
That's a full-on cry.
But he's the real deal, Divina.
He swung in on a rope like
a knight in shining armor,
and he rescued my daughter
and me, and he loves you.
Now, go to him.
Go.
You're right.
But don't kid
yourself, Paul Blart.
You are a Rocky Mountain steed.
That actually felt really good.
I might have made a
colossal mistake.
Colossal.
Ladies and gentlemen,
to commemorate his long
career of undying loyalty,
honor, and acts of heroism,
above and beyond
the call of duty,
twice,
the Security Officers Trade Association
is proud to bestow on Officer Paul Blart
its highest
and, really, only award,
the Safety Medal of Honor.
The road of life is hard.
But once you reach the
top, the view is amazing.
Look, I've given it
a lot of thought.
And I'm gonna be really happy
at Central Jersey Applied
Technical Junior College.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So they don't have
a football team
OF a campus.
I mean, who cares?
The last couple of days really
reracked my priorities.
Well, if you want to stay home
with me and keep me company,
maybe for a year or two until I
get settled, then I have to say,
I think you're crazy.
You're going to UCLA.
And, besides...
Holy crawfish!
That's exactly what I said.
I said that.
Now, go. Have fun.
Not too much fun.
All right.
But as for this renegade, some
of us are meant to ride alone.
All by my--
What do we have here?
- Hey!
- Sorry.
You know what you just did?
You jaywalked in a
business district, sir.
Actually, it's "officer."
I apologize.
I should've recognized the steely-eyed
gaze of a fellow brother-in-arms.
You're still giving me a ticket?
Nope.
I'm gonna give you
my phone number.
In case you want to
grab a drink sometime.
I don't drink.
But I do ride!
- Are you okay?
- Nope.
But I've never been better.
---
The road of life is always
under construction.
The journey is hard,
but once you reach the
top, the view is amazing.
And that view is even more beautiful
when you have someone to share it with.
Mr. Blart.
For six days.
My beautiful wife of almost a
week let me know by letter
that she had what I like
to call "some regrets."
Her doctor called it
"uncontrollable vomiting."
Honey.
Her lawyer, "Dissolution
of marriage."
That's okay. I needed a
little time to myself.
Like the song says,
"I've been to paradise, but
I've never been to me."
I spent the next two
years losing myself
in the sweet escape of keeping the
West Orange Pavilion Mall safe.
At least I still had the one thing
that never seemed to let me down.
Security.
Are you lost, son?
Anyway, come with me.
- Thank you.
- You're very welcome.
Andy, now give the
fake cop a hug.
We're actually... We're
certified, ma'am.
We take a test and everything.
It's pretty vigorous.
All right, hug him, Andy.
Well, it was nice to
see you, little man.
You know what, ma'am, he
doesn't want to give me a hug.
- And it's okay.
- No, he wants a hug.
- I don't think he does. Hey.
- Okay, Andy, hug him.
- Honey.
- Want to come in?
- Sweetie. You're embarrassing Mommy.
- He doesn't want...
- No, he's not embarrassing me. He's fine.
- Hug him.
He doesn't have to hug me.
I saw white. I saw white.
I'll get him again, ma'am.
I'll find him.
And on the home front,
I always had Mom.
There's my paper.
That is, until she got
drilled by a milk truck.
Didn't know they even
had those anymore.
I guess I was the last
one to get the memo.
Paul Blart had
officially peaked.
Or had I?
"Congratulations, Officer Blart.
You have been selected to join..."
"Congratulations. You have
been accepted to UCLA."
Maya! Come down here! I
got some great news!
Me, too!
Honey, we've been invited to the
Security Officers Trade Association Expo
and award ceremony in
Las Vegas, Nevada!
Vegas? Wow.
Yeah, I think I'm finally
being recognized
for, you know, getting the
mall out of that jam.
Dad, you saved the mall.
They should honor you.
- I'm so proud of you.
- Thank you.
You know, times have been tough,
but no matter what happens,
as long as I have you by my
side, I'm gonna be okay.
But enough about me.
What's your great news?
Yeah, I just remembered that
we have leftover baked ziti.
What a day!
Yeah.
All right.
- Can I help you with your bags, sir?
- No. That's how they get you.
- I'll be fine on my own, thank you.
- No problem, sir.
Lift with the legs.
With the legs.
We're moving. Here we go.
Nice little break in the day.
We're going again.
We're going again.
Legs.
- Paul Blart?
- Yes, sir.
I thought that was you. Donna
Ericone, Mall of America.
Man, we still talk about
your Black Friday save.
Thank you.
I don't know if you heard.
There's gonna be a surprise
keynote speaker tonight.
Word on the street, it's
gonna be the officer
who's gone above and
beyond the call of duty.
What?
I got to be honest, I had a feeling, but
do you really think that, I mean...
- Who else?
- Yeah.
Unless RoboCop walks
into the room.
Yeah, I would definitely
stand down for RoboCop.
- He's not real.
- No, I know he's not real,
but I would stand down for him.
He ain't real.
Just don't tell
anybody I told you.
- Told me what?
- About the key...
You got me. You done
gone and got me.
That was in the throat.
That was in the throat.
- See you tonight.
- Yeah, okay.
Roger that, Officer Ericone.
That was straight to the throat.
That didn't even glance off the chest.
It went right up.
- May I help the next guest?
- We're next. Here we go. Yes.
- Yello-ha!
- Good afternoon.
- Welcome to the Wynn Resort.
- Checking in.
Absolutely, Mr. Blart.
Mr. Blart.
You're probably thrown
by the travel wear.
- Actually, it's "officer."
- Okay, sorry about that.
Yes, Officer Blart.
I see we have you in a
partial mountain view,
and you requested a bottomless
bowl of Peanut M&M's.
Yeah, it's strictly medicinal.
Unfortunately, I am
cursed with hypoglycemia.
Sugar level drops, so do I.
I'm sorry. Your room
isn't ready yet.
But you can leave your luggage here, and
I will have it delivered to your room.
Dad, I'm starving.
- Can we just go get some lunch?
- Hold the mayo.
Hold on a second here.
You probably didn't
know this, Heath,
but if you check
the Grand Ballroom
and see which group is
booked there this evening,
I think your tune may
change a wee bit.
- Mini Kiss. The cover band.
- Yeah, I'm not with them.
Is there a manager I
could speak with?
You know, she's not
available right now, so...
You're taking my legs
out from under me here.
- Is the Terrace Café open for lunch?
- Yes, it is.
I'm out.
Bring it in, Heath.
Little tighter, bring it in.
Yes.
Just a little bit closer range.
I can't let this out.
But it seems to be that I'm going to be
delivering the keynote speech tonight
at the security
officers' convention.
You know, I think
they canceled that.
They didn't.
But it was downsized
to Conference Room C.
Nope, F.
- Okay, here's a map of the property.
- Okay.
There you are.
- Thank you.
- No, that's yours to keep.
Don't need it. It's already been scanned.
Locked and loaded.
Thank you. Time for some lunch.
- Sir?
- Yeah?
Your daughter and the
restaurant are that way.
Yeah, you had that upside down when I
scanned it. That's why... It's on you.
- Was I lying about the conch fritters?
- You were not.
They're amazing, with just
the right amount of zip.
- Yeah, you got to love the zip.
- I do. I mean, I was born to zip.
I put my hand upon
my hip When I zip
- You zip - We zip
I can't believe you
know that song.
Hey, sir. You actually
forgot your valet ticket.
- Thank you.
- It's free.
Yeah.
I'm gonna go.
You were born to zip?
Since when do you
use the word "zip"?
- I always use the word "zip."
- I don't like it.
Hipster talk.
Everybody's zipping.
You need to slow it
down, young lady.
Look, Dad, you're gonna have to get used
to the fact that I'm a big girl now.
Okay, first of all, we're all big.
We're Blarts.
Wide hips, thick ankles and
a low center of gravity.
That's how the
good Lord made us.
That's why we're no good at running
hurdles, and we never will be.
What is that?
This? It's my vibrating fork.
It forces me to eat slower.
You think I eat fast at home?
On vacation, I'm like a cheetah
chasing a faster cheetah.
Okay, see? Look at
that right there.
It's just fuel. It's just fuel.
Here you go.
- Mr. Blart.
- Shanghai!
Sorry. Sorry to
startle you, sir.
- That's okay. You just hit the trip wire is all.
- Okay.
Well, I'm Divina Martinez,
the hotel's general manager,
and I wanted to apologize
about the confusion
regarding the convention.
And good news, I
upgraded your room.
It has a view of the Strip.
It's ready right now, and I wanted
to give you the keys personally.
Sorry about that.
Although, I must say, you
have very soft hands.
Air bag!
Excuse me?
I sense what you're
doing, Divina.
What am I doing?
Truthfully, being a
bit transparent.
I'm sorry, I don't follow.
Look, I understand
it's the 21st century,
and a woman can go after
hers just like a man.
- Dad, I'm pretty sure she wasn't...
- Tadpole, this is grown-up stuff. Okay?
Look, I know it
takes two to tango,
but my dancing shoes are
currently out for repair.
- Sir, I'm sorry if I...
- Apology not needed.
Just know I'm working my way
through a maze of personal fire,
and until the flames
of chaos subside,
I'm just not ready for
public consumption.
I understand, sir.
Have a great stay.
It's not just me, right? I
mean, she was relentless.
Relentless.
What troubles you, my pet?
I just had the strangest exchange
with that guy over there.
Yeah.
He accused me of hitting on him.
Funny.
They say overweight people use
humor to achieve affection.
You know what, that makes sense.
Excuse me, Ms. Martinez?
- Our VIP guest has arrived.
- Thank you.
Okay.
Welcome back to Wynn Las Vegas, Mr.
Sofel.
We have the accommodations you
requested all ready for you.
If you need anything at all, please,
don't hesitate to call either myself
or our head of security, Mr.
Furtillo.
You guys took me for a lot
of money on my last visit.
Well, I hope you're able to
turn that around this time.
I plan to.
I got to say, I don't know
how this is an upgrade.
I'll tell you what, Maya, you take the bed.
I will take the rollaway.
Dad, this is your convention. You
can't sleep on the rollaway.
I certainly can, okay? I once
fell asleep raking leaves.
We'll figure it out later.
I got to get going.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Okay.
Thanks for telling me
Victoria's secret.
What do you think you're
wearing, youn glady?
A bathing suit?
Maybe for an elf.
Decorum. De-cor-um.
- I was just going to hang out by the pool.
- Yeah, well, not in that, you're not.
Fine.
- Then I'm going exploring.
- Hold up.
- You got your extra phone battery?
- Yes.
- Flashlight?
- Always.
- Hot pepper spray?
- Check.
- Pocketknife keychain window smasher?
- I do.
- Baby road flares?
- Yes, I've got it all!
One more second here. There.
I've set it to monitor, so I can
hear everything that's going on.
No way. I already feel
like a SWAT unit.
Maya! Security is a mission.
Not an intermission.
Well, let's see if I bankrolled
the right NSA agent.
- How's that?
- So far, so good.
Excuse me, guys,
but we have a complaint
about the noise.
That's why we have you.
Gotta say, Henk, nice uniform.
Right? Look at that. Smiley.
You don't want to know what
it took to get the real deal.
No, I don't.
Okay.
They've moved several of the
pieces in the last few days.
Here's the new
locations of all 13.
Perfect. All right, I want to be in and
out in less than nine hours, people.
Sync up.
Sync.
Let's go!
Yes, shooter, yes! Yeah!
- What's all the hoopla, friend?
- This guy's crushing.
I'm literally running out
of room for my chips.
He's on the greatest
run I've ever seen!
Sir, you're gonna have to place a bet
if you want to stand at the table.
I don't know how to play
craps, but I'll tell you what,
Lady Luck's certainly been
in my corner as of late.
So I am in, okay? What do I do?
It's easy. Give me $60.
We'll place the six.
- $60.
- 60 bucks.
Wow, this is exciting. I got
to be honest, very exciting.
Sir, can I get you a drink?
You know what, how
much for a root beer?
'Cause I'm currently very invested in Mr.
Wynn's casino.
- Well, actually, it's complimentary.
- Complimentary.
I love it! Root beers
around the horn!
What do you... Just one is fine.
Just one.
Sir, come on. This
table's really hot.
- Give me 20 bucks for the hard six.
- Okay, $20.
- Give me $20 for the hard eight.
- $20.
- Give me $25 for the horn high yo.
- $25.
- Give me $20 on the field.
- That's all I have.
- The field is out there.
- No more bets.
All right! I've never
felt more alive!
Shooter, come on! Number...
Seven out. Craps.
- Loser!
- Fat guy ruined it.
- You lost everything.
- You suck!
Get your bets down, C and
E's, horn bets, high-lows.
- Get this game going.
- Your root beer, sir.
Thank you.
Yeah, I would love that.
That's a very good choice.
Nice. Gold.
Yeah, exactly. It was him.
You guys...
Let's go.
How long have you worked here?
Not too long. Is that your dad?
I wish I could say no right now.
I'll be right back.
- Dad?
- Hey!
See you later, Tom and Rita. You
guys are awesome. Take care.
I'll see you at the reception.
I'm not gonna go.
I'm not gonna go.
I'm not gonna go.
- Dad, are you spying on me?
- Spying?
- No. No, no, no. I...
- Dad, you're embarrassing me!
I'm sorry you feel that way.
I'll leave you alone.
Please.
Blart!
Saul Gundermutt,
head of the Security
Officers Trade Association.
- I catch you at a bad time?
- No. No, no. It's a pleasure, sir.
Pleasure's mine.
And I just want you to know that I
got you sitting at my table tonight.
I got to say, sir, I
am just so excited.
I'm gonna be honest, I
did hear rumblings.
- Rumblings?
- About the keynote.
Yeah. Well, with good reason.
Nick Panero's giving it.
Great guy, great guy-
Yeah, Nick Panero. Those
were the rumblings.
That is just terrific.
It really is. That's...
I'm so happy.
You know, maybe I could
meet him sometime.
- Pick his brain...
- Here's your chance.
Blart, Officer Nick Panero
and Officer Gino Chizetti.
- Hey, Officer Panero.
- Hold the applesauce, hotshot.
I heard of you. Rumor has it you thought
you were giving the keynote tonight.
- He thought he was giving it.
- You thought you were giving it?
- No. You know what, I never said...
- Man, you gotta stop
bringing up that Black
Friday thing, Blart.
- It was, like, six years ago.
- You got to let it go.
I never brought up Black Friday.
I heard you're pretty good
on one of those things.
I've been known to dabble.
I... I really shouldn't.
Actually, sir, you can't.
I'll need a valid driver's license if
you want to take it for a test drive.
Yeah, I'm all-access, if you'll
peep the laminate, okay?
Let me just nudge her
out of whisper mode.
Okay, well, I see you know
your way around a pl 33.
I do, I do, but this
gal's a bit tired.
I got a modified i2
Commuter myself.
Still gonna need a
valid license, though.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
How's that? Is that
valid enough for you?
That was pretty valid, huh?
- Yeah.
- Please be careful, sir.
It's about weight distribution.
Make sure both your hands
are firmly on the grips.
I guess you wouldn't
want me doing this!
- Yeah!
- Please don't.
Missed.
Blart!
- You see that?
- That's not good.
Still got the laminate.
Dad, are you okay? You should
really get checked out.
Pumpkin, my body's fine.
It's my ego that took a hit.
It turns out I'm not giving
the keynote tonight.
Well, you know what?
You should call a cop,
because you got robbed.
Well, thanks, kitten.
Technically, I don't need a cop.
- It's a figure of speech, Daddy.
- No, no, I know.
I'm just saying, you know, just
that cops think they're all that,
and I don't like it.
I do not like it.
Boy. We got a
meet-and-greet in 15.
I was wrong! The body does hurt.
Lactic acid!
Honey, you're not even dressed.
Come on.
As exciting as that sounds, I think
I'm just gonna take a bath and a nap.
I'm kind of tired.
Okay, yeah. I mean,
no, you should...
You should get some rest.
Well, I'll come back and get
you for dinner at Bartolotta,
'cause we got
reservations at 6:00.
- It's supposed to be the real deal.
- Gotcha.
Hey. Dad?
I'm really sorry
about the speech.
I'll see you later.
I got this one guy against the wall. He's
really sweating. He knows it's over.
Then out of the corner of my
eye I see this other guy,
and then I turn to him and I
say, "Hand over the yogurt."
It was over that fast.
- Lights out.
- Lights out.
Hey, how much you
pay for that belt?
I don't know. It was a
gift from my daughter.
You got a guy?
'Cause I got a guy.
No, I don't have a belt guy.
- That's crazy. What, you don't got a belt guy?
- No, I don't have a belt guy.
Khan Mubi. Nice to meet.
Khan Mubi. Nice to meet.
Nice to meet you.
It's been a heck of a day, and
that embrace certainly helped.
So thank you. First one warmed
me up, this one brought it home.
I think you kissed the shoulder.
All right, thank you.
My pleasure.
- Okay.
- It's time to go.
It is. And I think the
doors are open, so...
What's the latest, friend?
The Big Sticky Mess.
A grenade launcher
that shoots glue foam.
Marbles. You can't run with
these under your feet.
You can't even stand.
The Vitru Sonic Taser
renders your assailant
incapacitated for five
seconds at a time.
- Hey, Paul.
- Hey, Saul. What you got there?
It's getting revealed
tomorrow at the luncheon.
It's a prototype. I'm not
supposed to show anybody,
but since you're into gyro-performance
vehicles, take a gander.
Things will never be the same.
No!
Are you kidding me? Great.
- Are you okay?
- Thank you so much.
- Okay, here we go.
- Thanks.
- See you.
- Have a good day.
Hey, check it out, guys.
When you want them to pay the
price, you reach for The Finisher.
The most effective non-lethal beanbag
firearm on the market today.
Why don't you give it a spin?
- Me?
- Yeah. It's easy.
Okay.
Laser focus.
Exhale, pull the trigger.
Predator.
The adjustments are off on the sight.
I can tell, it's a little off here.
That's the problem.
- Paul Blart, Mall Cop.
- Yes, sir?
Eduardo Furtillo, head of
security of Wynn Las Vegas.
Pleasure to meet a
fellow brother-in-arms.
You know, a fun fact for
you, you might not notice,
but Mr. Furtillo here, being
the head of security,
is in a black coat while...
- I'm sorry, son, I didn't get your name.
- Jenkins.
Jenkins is in a purple coat.
See, there's a hierarchy of coat colors
based on their security responsibilities.
Black, gray, pine, and
then, last, purple.
Sorry, no offense.
You're wearing a polyester
shirt with Spanx underneath.
Yes. Good catch.
- I see you admiring the non-lethals.
- Yeah.
I guess they don't trust
you with the real stuff?
No, they do, but
we choose not to.
I mean, what are you
really guarding anyway?
Cell phone covers and Cinnabon?
There's also three ATMs
and a Dave & Buster's
that just is off the hook after 9:00.
It just gets crazy.
By the way, as a
professional courtesy,
I'm happy to keep my eyes peeled for any
irregularities while I'm here, so...
Hey. Closer.
Closer.
Since I was named head of
security five years ago,
we have not had so much
as a towel go missing.
Your mother must be very proud
of your accomplishments.
That got real.
Wow, that was impressive.
Was it me, or did he smell
like tobacco and vanilla?
'Cause I got a... I don't
know if it's cologne...
Let's just get some yogurt.
Maya?
Honey, I've been
thinking about the menu,
and I don't care, I'm
going double parm. So...
Sunshine, you still in the tub?
Honey?
Get me security!
That's so cool, you got into UCLA.
You must be stoked!
Not really. I haven't
been able to tell my dad.
Why not? That's huge! Don't
you think he'll be excited?
I don't think he can handle it.
My parents were thrilled
when I got my GED.
That is so cool your parents
support you like that.
Yup. Third time was the charm.
I'm not kidding. Was
closer to four, actually.
No. I got to go. I was supposed
to meet my dad for dinner.
- Okay, cool. Maybe I'll see you later.
- Yeah. I hope so.
Yeah, okay.
My daughter's missing. She's
not answering her phone.
Mr. Blart, I want you to know that
we will get to the bottom of this,
despite our differences.
Differences?
We need to establish motive.
Do you have a lot of money?
- Define "a lot." I mean, there's...
- Any.
No. Actually, I don't
have a lot, no.
All right, are you
an important man?
Well, you know, that
depends who you ask.
I got to be honest.
Could this be some
domestic situation?
- Your wife got angry?
- I'm not married.
- Your girlfriend found out you...
- No girlfriend, I don't have a girlfriend.
- Does anybody love you?
- Yes. My daughter,
and she's been kidnapped.
You know, since she's an adult,
normally we're not gonna file
a missing persons report
till she's gone for
at least 24 hours.
Well, let me tell you something.
I've been in the security
game for over 16 years,
and I've seen things that
you would not comprehend.
Understand this. We are
pulling the trigger, boys.
Now, I need you to establish a
perimeter and lock down the premises.
- You going to answer that?
- We're losing precious time!
This is Officer Blart. I
need to keep this line...
Yep. No, no. Okay. I see.
Yes. No, no, I can't...
I can't...
I can't talk about it right now.
Okay, okay, okay. Now,
we're gonna talk...
We're gonna talk about it later.
We're gonna talk about...
I gotta get going. I'm going.
Yeah, that was my daughter. She's
calling from the restaurant.
She just... She just called.
She's good.
My agents are highly
trained professionals
that do not have time
to let you play out
your little fantasies about
being a real cop, Mr. Blart.
Totally understand. I get it.
Yeah, you're right.
It is Officer Blart.
Hey, Dad. I ordered
your favorite.
Really? Well, you know what?
I've lost my appetite.
What has gotten into you?
You lied to me.
You said you were taking a nap.
- Well, I was going to, but...
- You never called me once.
You leave the bath filled, which
could have caused water damage,
candles lit, which could have
burnt down Las Vegas, Nevada.
I'm sorry. It's just that Lane
invited me to go out to the pool...
Lane? Lane? That's what
this betrayal's about?
Chicken Chow Lane?
Dad, people are looking.
What happened to her, Maya?
What happened to the pristine
girl who could never tell a lie?
What happened to my
little George Washington?
- George Washington?
- He could never tell a lie.
He was full truth
in a powdered wig.
- I think you're overreacting.
- Really?
And when were you gonna
tell me about that?
- Where did you find this?
- Please, Maya,
I'm a highly trained
security specialist.
You can't expect to
keep secrets from me.
I didn't think I'd get in.
I didn't even know
you applied there.
What happened to Central Jersey
Applied Technical Junior College?
We're talking about UCLA here.
Yeah, I thought we were
talking about CJATJC.
Dad, you don't understand.
I have a chance to
go to California.
Maya, California,
it's too far away.
Well, think about it this way.
You could come visit me in the wintertime
when it's really cold in Jersey.
Of course I can, if I want some
smog on my earthquake flakes!
You know what? I've decided.
I'm going.
Wait, wait. You just decided?
Well, you know what?
Decision overruled.
Judge Blart now in session!
I know you've lost a lot
lately, and you're scared,
but what you're doing
right now is so wrong.
I'm going to UCLA.
Maya, Maya, you get back...
Maya.
Paul? I catch you at a bad time?
I want you to meet the wife.
- Okay.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, yeah.
- Are you here with your wife?
- Daughter.
- Yeah.
It's our last trip together
before she goes off to college.
Crusher.
- Gosh, ours just went last year.
- Yeah.
It was just as
depressing as Idaho.
Yeah, the silence
was unbearable.
I mean, the house was like
a cold tomb of loneliness.
Anyway...
- I would get so sad.
- Honey.
When you would leave for work,
I would just fire up the Sarah
McLachlan, walk into her closet
and smell the sweaters
that she left behind.
Yeah, I smell them. I
smell the sweaters.
Well, at least I have this
little angel to get me through.
I mean, can you imagine
- trying to get through it alone?
- No, I couldn't do it.
- Could not do it.
- I could never do that alone.
- I love you.
- Love you, too.
Can't wait to meet your wife.
- Yeah, that'd be terrific.
- Yeah.
- Vegas, baby!
- Let's hit the tables!
Have her call me if you want to
get her nails done or whatever.
All right.
Problem?
They've already upgraded the lock on Mr.
Van Gogh to the dual control.
You said the upgrades weren't
scheduled till tomorrow.
Because that is what the
security e-mail said.
Now, I do have a
guy on the inside
who was supposed to alert
me if the schedule changed.
Obviously, he didn't.
Options.
We disable both controls
at the exact same moment
with a thermal lance.
Now, it can be done,
but that's gonna push us back.
Okay. Let's switch out all the other
pieces before the rest get upgraded.
Then we can focus
on the van Gogh.
It's number one on our buyer's list,
and I am not leaving without it.
Everybody listen up.
We're going now.
Now, we're leaving the
van Gogh for last,
so Nadia will coordinate
the new order.
They say Las Vegas has the
best security in the world.
Well, we're about to find out.
Bring me your guy on the inside.
- What'd I do?
- You don't get it.
- You just do not get it.
- Get what?
I said you had nice
hair and nice teeth.
- Officer needs assistance.
- Don't you get it?
You smell like peat moss and curry,
and I think I'm gonna throw up.
You don't want to
go out with me?
Whoa. Seems to me like two nice people
are trying to board the peace train,
but she seems to have derailed.
Look, this hairy, drunk rent-a-cop
confused "go away" for "hit on me."
- Hey...
- Ma'am, Officer Panero here,
who, in my professional
opinion, doesn't seem drunk,
has at least three years'
training in distress recognition.
I'm sure he sensed that an
attractive lady sitting by herself
most likely seemed a bit lonely.
So before you retreat behind
that wall we all put up,
just know that Officer
Panero was here for you.
Maybe I overreacted.
And he's giving the
keynote tonight.
- Pleasure to be here.
- He's blotto.
Sort of like someone's
mother last Columbus Day.
Will you let it go? It
was a half box of wine.
She's very patriotic.
Well, there's no way
Panero can go on.
We need a leader right now that can
step up, take the reins and inspire us.
I understand.
I tried contacting Officer Ferguson from
TSA, but he must have his phone off.
I mean, my hands are tied.
Paul?
Can you step up to the
plate and save us?
I'm gonna need my dress whites.
Come on.
- Your uniform, as requested, Officer Blart.
- Thank you very much.
Here you go.
I am the general manager of this
resort, so I don't take tips.
And I don't normally deliver
dry cleaning either,
but I just... I
wanted to clarify
that I was not making
advances towards you earlier,
nor would I, ever.
Look, I understand you
have no control over this.
Integrity is a bewitching gumbo,
but I'm preparing now,
internally, to give the keynote.
So if you don't mind, okay?
Look, this is crazy.
I'm actually dating someone.
Please, ma'am, I practically
invented the fake boyfriend thing.
What?
Listen, you have no bearing
on my life whatsoever.
Your lip is sweating.
It's sweating.
There is an audience out there
of security professionals
that paid good money
to hear you speak.
They want to hear you.
That's not true. They didn't pay
anything, but they do deserve your best.
They deserve it.
They deserve it.
Yeah, come on, man.
Just loosen up, baby, loosen up.
Coming at you! I'm
gonna be coming.
Bring it to them,
bring it to them.
I'm getting tight.
I'm getting tight.
I can't breathe, man.
That's orange chicken.
What am I gonna say?
What am I gonna say?
I got to get air. I got to
get air, I got to get air.
I got to get some air.
I got to get air,
I got to get air.
This is nice.
And pulse back in range.
Okay.
Thank you.
Get out of here.
All right.
Hey! Nope, nope, move along.
Get away. Move along.
Get away from me. Hefeweizen!
Get out of here!
Get out of here.
Get out!
My God!
Is there someone you can call?
Can you help me? Can
you call backup?
I hurt my neck, I hurt my neck.
Okay.
Hey, thanks for all your help.
There you are.
- We're about to announce you.
- Okay.
Come on, Maya.
Thanks.
Cool party. Whose suite is this?
The housekeepers are all
good friends of mine.
They let me know when the high
rollers check out early, so...
- You okay?
- Yeah. Everything's great.
I'll be right back. I
got something for you.
I think you're gonna like it.
Yeah!
Very kind, very kind.
Ladies and gentlemen, I know
you're here to see Nick Panero
deliver the keynote speech.
However, due to circumstances
beyond our control,
we've had to bring in a
different speaker tonight.
Yeah, I know, I'm
disappointed, too.
So, instead, how about a
nice, warm Expo welcome
for Officer Paul Blart.
Thank you, Officer Gundermutt.
Is it warm in here,
or am I ordering my next uniform
from Rochester Big and Humid?
I am honored to be here,
in the presence of the
greats from the past.
Just looking at these faces reminds me
of the questions so many people ask.
Why do we do it?
Why walk a beat knowing
that on a typical day
you'll get zero
pats on the back?
But you know what you will get?
A whole lot of ridicule.
What are you doing here?
I thought Mini Kiss was playing.
What are you doing here?
I get it. We're easy targets.
People call us heavy,
skinny, lumpy.
They point out our bad skin.
What is it that we
all have in common?
In the words of Joseph Conrad,
who wrote some really long
books about sailing and stuff,
"We live as we dream."
"Alone."
Turns out I am giving
the keynote after all,
so it'd mean a lot if you
could be there, peanut.
You were supposed to tell me
- if the schedule got moved.
- Let's calm down.
And no one told me anything.
I'm sorry. Bye.
Get her.
And yet, when people ask
me, "Why do you do it?"
I have to laugh.
'Cause they think
I have a choice.
I don't.
I, like you, didn't
choose security.
Security chose me!
Every morning, I pull my
pants on one leg at a time,
and I slip on my
soft-soled shoes,
and I hear the same
calling you do.
"Help someone today."
Come on, Dad.
"Help someone today."
Sounds easy, doesn't it?
But if being a security officer
was easy, anybody could do it.
Anyone can do it.
Takes a certain breed.
Someone who has Spidey-senses
when things are going wrong.
Sure, you can meet all kinds of
people in this line of work.
Your shoplifters,
your pickpockets,
your freeloaders
stealing a nap in a
Brookstone massage chair.
- They're the worst.
- Don't get me started.
And there's the old lady who can't
find her car in Parking Level F
'cause she doesn't have a car.
And there is no Parking Level F.
It only goes up to D.
And all of a sudden
you're asking yourself,
"Why do I do it?"
Till the little boy, tears in his
eyes, is tugging on your sleeve.
He says to you,
"Mister, mister, mister."
"Can't find my mommy."
That's why you do it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I Will close with this.
If you believe the purpose of
life is to only serve yourself,
then you have no purpose.
Help someone today!
- Jackpot!
- You nailed it! You nailed it!
Way to 90, Blart!
You go, Paul Blart!
Maya, look, I know
you're mad at me.
- Dad!
- But hear me out.
- Look, I feel just terrible.
- I need your help!
Yeah, and I need your help.
This is what I'm trying to say.
Dad! I saw something in
the Presidential Suite
I guess I wasn't
supposed to see.
- And now they're after me.
- Who?
I don't know.
Angel, please don't worry. I know
exactly what you're dealing with.
It was just somebody
trying to intimidate you.
Trust me, they're all
bark and no bite.
They're coming for me!
Misread it. Okay, sweetheart.
Stay on the phone with me.
I'm on my way!
Maya, use your pepper spray!
Maya, Maya, what's happening?
Maya?
- Maya!
- Thank you.
- Who is this?
- This is Officer Paul Blart
from the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
Who am I speaking with?
Don't you worry about that.
Well, that's not fair. I
already told you my name.
- Now, where's my daughter?
- Your daughter.
Wow, you don't know when to
shut your mouth, do you?
Listen, I don't think you have a
clue to who you're messing with.
Actually, I don't need a clue.
You just told me.
And if you decide to
go to the real cops,
attempt to track this cell phone or
make any attempt to come after me,
boy, I am so crazy,
I'll put you and your
daughter in a world of pain.
Yeah? Well, here's a few things
you don't know about me.
First off, pain is my
copilot, so no problem there.
And second off...
Hello. Hello?
Hello? Hello?
Strange. Okay, let's go.
Get rid of this.
Hey, Yo, have you
guys seen Maya?
- Who's Maya?
- I introduced you to her.
She was the girl I was
talking to right over there.
Dude, he's hammered. She was on
the phone and went that way.
- That way?
- Yeah.
Enjoy-
Maya?
Maya?
Maya?
Looking for someone?
Okay, clear this place out.
This location's
been compromised.
Bring those two to the villa.
Sugar.
Sugar.
Daddy, look at the beautiful flowers.
Can I draw on them?
Not now, honey. Daddy's on the phone.
Go with Mommy.
Must get sugar.
Come on, sugar.
- Please, sir, please.
- Just let us out.
We're not gonna cause any trouble.
We're not gonna say anything.
- Please, sir. Please.
- Sir, please let us out!
- What the heck is going on?
- I think they're stealing art from the hotel.
- From the what?
- From the hotel.
- What is that?
- I got this for you.
Here. It's either
this or sunblock.
Maya.
Have sweet mercy! Oh, my!
I am so sorry, ma'am.
Nope, my fault. I startled you.
- I just feel terrible.
- No. I deserved it.
Can I help you up or get you
some medical attention?
Not necessary.
This just shifts the focus
away from my arthritis.
- You're sure?
- I'm fine.
- Are you gonna want turndown service?
- No, thank you!
Officer, how can I help you?
I need to know who's staying
in your Presidential Suite.
Okay, first of all, you need
to slow things down a bit.
And, secondly, that's actually
against resort policy. So...
I got this, Heath.
Sir, I can help you down here.
Well, I guess I've
been overruled.
Now, what can I do for you?
I need information on who's staying in
your Presidential Suite. It's urgent.
- What's going on?
- I can't divulge that at this moment.
It's top secret stuff, okay?
Just...
Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Blart,
but, unfortunately, I won't be
able to give you that information,
because it is against protocol.
See? I told you I feel
no admiration for you,
so sorry, there are
no special favors.
You're breathing in double time.
Just tell me who's
staying there.
I can't say no to you.
He's a high roller who books
his rooms through his company.
Norbertine Shipping out
of Hamburg, Germany.
Shipping. Thank you.
You're so...
Come on. No.
I think I can short this
and get us out of here.
Or maybe we should
just do what they say.
We've seen what they look like, Lane.
They're not gonna let us go.
- Can I help you?
- Hey.
Muhrtelle.
It's pronounced like
"turtle" or "girdle."
No, Muhrtelle. I got it right away.
I'm pretty good.
- Why are you back here?
- No, I'm from shipping, so...
- I'm from shipping.
- Yeah, I know.
I'm from corporate, so...
If you could give me a moment, I'd
like to place a telephone call.
No, no, no, no. No need, really.
Okay, actually, I'm...
I'm from Internal Affairs Shipping.
Yeah.
Corporate sent me here to check
up on you and your coworkers.
Random selection. No
need to get too nervous.
- Is it okay I eat my lunch?
- Sure, yeah. You might as well.
I'm just gonna fire some
questions at you, though,
vis-a-vis this particular
shipment here.
Now, where exactly did...
Wow, that is the brownest
banana I've ever seen.
That's borderline black. I wouldn't
eat that if I were you. That's...
You're eating it.
He's eating it.
I'm gonna throw up a
little bit, I think.
I think that's poison.
That's sickening.
Where did this ship from?
I don't know. Some man brought
a bunch of these down
from the Presidential Suite.
You mind opening it for me?
Internal Affairs, so I just...
Do you have any identification?
Don't you worry
about that, Turtle.
- I'll ask the questions here.
- Wait.
I want to ask a question.
What do you think you're
doing with that crate?
I was just simply
just checking that...
- Someone's messing with the shipment!
- Radio.
Unacceptable. Kill him.
A mall.
Home-court advantage.
Bingo.
Pain!
This is it. I'm going down.
Took care of some cop.
- For good?
- Don't worry about it. He's gone.
He sleeps with the fishes.
Literally.
Excellent.
Not today, death! Not today!
Sir.
We ask that guests dry off
before entering the casino.
Absolutely. I should
have thought of that.
Why don't you come with me, sir.
I'll get you a dry towel.
That would be great.
On second thought, I think
I'd rather air-dry.
Because you're not who
you say you are...
Ramos.
Excuse me?
The buttons on your
uniform are rivet brass,
made by Cintas uniform supply,
which stopped using that
particular type of metal,
due to humanitarian
reasons, 18 years ago.
Since there's no way
you're a day over 30,
and the Security Association
restricts the hiring
of anybody under the age of 18,
there is no way you are
a security guard here.
You're right.
Headbutt!
That's a very good defense.
One more!
I'm definitely done.
Not this time!
- That was the last one. You have my word.
- All right.
Hey, what's going on?
- Hey. Sorry. Guy's drunk.
- Well, Why'd you let him run off?
- I'll make sure I get him back to his room.
- You do that.
Security's been breached.
Of course.
Eduardo's in on it.
Fool me once, shame on me.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
No, that's me twice.
That doesn't work.
Hey!
Gosh. Come on.
Hey!
That's Paul Blart.
- I'd love to see you up there.
- I would if I had a good hamstring.
- I don't got a good hamstring.
- It's all right.
Who is this guy?
What's going on?
Sorry. Big man on a rope!
Sorry.
This whole thing's like a pool
inside, like an indoor pool.
- It's unbelievable.
- Unbelievable.
Take a dip! Yeah!
Yeah! Sorry. Tuck and roll.
This ain't real.
Thank you, Paul!
What a guy!
Come on, man. I know
you're in here.
Okay.
It looks like we've come
to a fork in the road.
What?
A little too much club.
Okay.
There you go.
Yeah.
- Ramos, it's Henk. Where are you?
- Le Rêve theater.
Some cop may be onto us.
Wait. Big guy? Mustache?
Snug pants?
- Yeah, that's the one.
- I thought he was dead.
- This guy's like a cockroach.
- Where are you?
We're about to move the Botero.
Roger that.
Henk, Ramos, Botero.
Who are these guys?
Come on, Paul, think for Maya.
Think!
All this for stupid art.
Who is Art?
Come on, think.
Windershins! It's about the art!
They're stealing art
from the hotel!
Ramos, this is Henk.
Did you get the new
locations yet?
Henk, you didn't tell
me where you are.
We're in the casino.
Stop calling me.
- Vincent wants you, out.
- Let the games begin.
Found our friend.
Didn't see it. Didn't see it.
That's clean glass. Okay.
- So?
- I'm gonna need about 20 minutes, Vincent.
Move as fast as you can.
No, no, no!
Vincent. Vincent, this is Henk.
- Where are you?
- Waiting for the van Gogh. Where are you?
I'm on my way.
I'm coming for you, Maya.
Could you press one, please?
- Good crowd tonight?
- Yeah.
- Did you guys play Bet"?
- No.
- Great hair.
- Thanks. It's not mine.
- Told you we should play Beth.
- Not now, Frank!
This hotel is solid.
This gift is adorable, but...
The globe lights up
with copper wiring.
My father insists that I keep
an extra phone battery on me.
Stand back.
That should do it.
Come on.
The helicopter is
fueled and ready.
Perfect. What are you doing?
From the hotel gift basket.
- What is that in your hand?
- Oatmeal cookie.
I'm deathly allergic. What
are you trying to do to me?
- Sorry.
- Get rid of it.
- Double back.
- Doubling.
We can't get out through there.
- Pocketknife keychain. Just in case.
- In case what?
I get kidnapped by bad
guys and held hostage.
- It's happened before.
- What?
Room 3402. Charge it, please.
- Hey! Can you help us?
- Absolutely.
Five more minutes, Vincent,
and then we are done.
Secure the painting and
let's get out of here.
We've got less than three
hours to meet our buyer.
Roger that.
All right, Vincent, since you
took something precious from me,
I'm taking something
precious from you.
It's a bad day to be bad people.
Paul, mi amor!
No!
- Van Gogh is traveling.
- Excellent.
I want the truck waiting
in Juérez in one hour.
Yeah!
Enjoy the ride.
See you.
Where's that phone?
Come on.
- Please tell me Blart is dead.
- Yeah, if by dead, you mean
taking out your crew one by one,
and being in possession of
one of your prize paintings.
- Which one?
- I'm gonna say...
- I don't know, sunflowers?
- That's a van Gogh, you idiot.
Yeah, you know what? Well, it's van gone
if you don't ramp down the hurtful words.
- What do you want?
- I want to make a deal.
A swap. A trade.
Suggesting we make an exchange.
- You see, I have the painting...
- I got it.
Meet me at the
Grand Hall, alone.
Time to even the playing field.
Come on, man.
I'm sorry.
You know what?
I made my decision.
If we live, I'm not
going to UCLA.
- Are you sure?
- Yes!
I can't abandon him.
He's never been alone.
We've always lived
with my grandma.
Until a milk truck took
her to a better place.
And then there was those
six days of marriage.
I mean, he still sleeps
with a night light.
Really?
- Is that bad?
- No.
No, a lot of people
are like that.
Yeah, a lot of six-year-olds.
You, come with me.
Have Robinson take
him to the helipad.
- Let's go.
- Maya.
Let's go!
- That's far enough.
- Maya, you okay?
I'm okay.
Well done, Blart.
You thinned my manpower
significantly.
Must be getting pretty...
Lonely out there.
You scared?
Not following you.
Your fear of being alone.
- First your wife dumps you at the altar.
- Wrong.
- She was with me six days.
- Great.
So she got to sample
the merchandise
and was glad she
kept her receipt.
And then your mom
kisses a bus.
It was a milk truck, but
I'll give you that one.
And now your daughter can't
wait to get away from you.
That's not true, Dad.
Well, she's following her
destiny, and I support it fully.
Flag on the play, sloppy.
She says you can't be alone
and that you're doing everything
in your pathetic power
to keep her under your thumb.
- I didn't say that exactly, Dad.
- It's okay, sweetheart.
See, Vincent, I'm
fiercely independent,
yet I'm not a big
fan of being alone.
I'm a contradiction.
I told you I was crazy.
And I told you that I'm crazy.
You can't out-crazy me.
My crazy will take your crazy,
shove it in a metal tube,
fill it with rats,
then blowtorch it
until the rats have no way to escape except
eating their way through your crazy.
Wow. You are oblivious to
the avalanche of insanity
I am about to unload.
You don't know what
I will do to you!
You don't know what
I'll do to you!
I will spin around until I throw
up on you and your friends.
I simply don't care!
I'll stick your face in maple
syrup and make you sing gospel!
How does that blow
your hair back, Blart?
I will crawl inside you and
lay eggs like a baby spider!
I welcome it!
I've got two different
colored eyes!
Shows you how I live my life!
I will bring a folk guitar
to a pumpkin fight,
because that's the way
I was brought up!
Okay, you lost me
on that last one.
Because that's how crazy I am!
Now, give me back my daughter!
Give me my painting!
Pick it up. Pick it up
before he ruins it.
Get back!
Did you honestly think that
I was gonna be thwarted
by some sweaty, sluggish
non-entity like yourself?
"Non-entity."
See, I knew you
couldn't be trusted,
so I took out an
insurance policy.
Allow me to introduce you
to a few of my associates.
Gino Chizetti,
Staten Island
Industrial Complex.
Saul Gundermutt,
Philadelphia Farmers' Market.
Khan Mubi,
King's Landing Walmart.
And last but not least,
Donna Ericone, Mall
of freaking America.
You got to... You got
to fan out, guys.
He can't see you.
Fan it out, fan it out.
You have your own superhero.
What's with the cape?
Why are you wearing
a cape, Khan?
I came straight from a haircut.
Vincent, you just
don't get it, do you?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Are you sure about that?
You see, I have a little
insurance policy of my own.
See, I thought I took
all of you out, what...
Non-lethal. I get it now.
Shame on you.
We are trained to detect,
deter, observe, and report.
But one day, six years ago,
a man did more than that.
And I am that man!
We are that man!
And so I say to you, sir...
Foot Locker!
Give me the gun. Finish them.
Go!
There's a lip on that carpet.
Someone's gonna have to call
that in, get that changed, okay?
Foot Locker!
Dad!
I'm going to the helipad!
Saul! Help me! Help me!
Get back here.
What? What?
- Oh, no.
- You couldn't stay out of the way, could you?
Eduardo, I knew you
were part of this.
How is it a man like you
could win the heart
of a woman like Divina?
What are you talking about?
My daughter's been kidnapped!
- Come on, man!
- Look!
We'll never get to them on time.
Hey, Blart. I heard you
need a little backup.
Fun fact for you, there's
no helipad up here.
But there is over there.
Got it.
We don't have much time.
- Thanks, Nick.
- No hard feelings.
Hold on, Paul!
Oh, boy.
Do not look down!
Don't look up, either!
Knot jump!
Coming in hot!
Dad. Come on.
Hey!
You finish loading.
I'll finish this.
UP YOU go, missy.
All right, guys. Who
took my show hair?
I think Maya's just
seen her future.
Nice punch.
Now, don't move.
You don't move.
Looks like we got ourselves
a sticky situation.
That doesn't sound like something
that can be fixed here.
- You done?
- I am.
Great. So am I.
Oatmeal!
Always bet on Blart.
Dad!
So Paul Blart hadn't
officially peaked after all.
Eduardo and I got
past our differences.
I told him that if he ever wanted
to go where the real action was,
there would always be a job for him
at the West Orange Pavilion Mall.
Officer Blart.
He turned me down immediately.
But I did get to meet
the man himself...
Mr. Wynn.
Who was appreciative that I
saved his art collection.
Very appreciative.
Holy crawfish!
With ail things going my way, I figured
it was time to make a decision
that would change
my life forever.
Paul?
You...
- Look at me now.
- Yeah, okay.
You are a fearless man,
a loving father, a strange,
misshapen superhero.
- Thank you.
- And my heart is yours.
Okay, Divina, listen
very intently.
Some people think that holding
on is what makes one strong.
But in reality,
our only power is in letting go.
But I love...
That's just it.
See, it's easy to fall in love, but
hard to find someone to catch you.
Besides,
you don't love me.
- But I...
- What you love is the mystery.
That's all I am to you.
You know, I'm a lone cowboy.
A renegade.
A Rocky Mountain steed.
But truth be told, Divina,
I'm none of those things.
I'm a simple man.
Now, the qualities you
seek, they're in him.
That man, sitting right over there.
That man,
just longing to catch... He's
crying right now, isn't he?
Yep, he's Crying-
That's a full-on cry.
But he's the real deal, Divina.
He swung in on a rope like
a knight in shining armor,
and he rescued my daughter
and me, and he loves you.
Now, go to him.
Go.
You're right.
But don't kid
yourself, Paul Blart.
You are a Rocky Mountain steed.
That actually felt really good.
I might have made a
colossal mistake.
Colossal.
Ladies and gentlemen,
to commemorate his long
career of undying loyalty,
honor, and acts of heroism,
above and beyond
the call of duty,
twice,
the Security Officers Trade Association
is proud to bestow on Officer Paul Blart
its highest
and, really, only award,
the Safety Medal of Honor.
The road of life is hard.
But once you reach the
top, the view is amazing.
Look, I've given it
a lot of thought.
And I'm gonna be really happy
at Central Jersey Applied
Technical Junior College.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So they don't have
a football team
OF a campus.
I mean, who cares?
The last couple of days really
reracked my priorities.
Well, if you want to stay home
with me and keep me company,
maybe for a year or two until I
get settled, then I have to say,
I think you're crazy.
You're going to UCLA.
And, besides...
Holy crawfish!
That's exactly what I said.
I said that.
Now, go. Have fun.
Not too much fun.
All right.
But as for this renegade, some
of us are meant to ride alone.
All by my--
What do we have here?
- Hey!
- Sorry.
You know what you just did?
You jaywalked in a
business district, sir.
Actually, it's "officer."
I apologize.
I should've recognized the steely-eyed
gaze of a fellow brother-in-arms.
You're still giving me a ticket?
Nope.
I'm gonna give you
my phone number.
In case you want to
grab a drink sometime.
I don't drink.
But I do ride!
- Are you okay?
- Nope.
But I've never been better.