Patton Oswalt: We All Scream (2022) - full transcript
Hello!
Denver!
Oh my God!
Hello. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh my God!
Yes!
Thank you all so much
for coming out tonight.
Um... Hey, I broke my foot.
Yeah.
That's how I started my year.
I broke my foot. Uh...
It was... It took two...
It happened in two parts.
Uh, the second part was
I slipped off a curb and I landed wrong.
That was the second part.
The first and most important part was
I turned 53.
That is the crucial part.
I... You turn...
Once you get past 50, everything's fatal.
I... When I was in my twenties,
I would walk into propellers
and put some Bactine on it.
I was fine.
And now if a pine cone falls near me,
my spine implodes.
I don't know what... Like that.
Broke my foot, and then the day after...
I'm gonna drop a name. All right.
Uh, the day after I broke my foot,
Glenn Howerton, my friend Glenn Howerton...
...who is almost 50,
but for this bit he's over 50.
I needed to...
Come on, who cares about logic?
He broke his collarbone.
So I called him up, gave him
a little solidarity, a little support.
"Hey, man. I broke my foot."
"What happened?"
In my mind, I'm thinking,
"Well, he was probably reaching
for a bag of SunChips wrong,
and his collarbone broke or something."
And he said, "Yeah, I was snowboarding.
I landed a flip wrong."
All right.
Fuck off. Fuck off.
You don't need to go to that much hassle.
Once you get to a certain age,
you don't need...
I don't even think that's what happened.
I think he's lying to me.
I think... I think somebody
slammed a door near him,
and then his collarbone
fell into his ass cheek.
And then he told his wife,
"Duct-tape me to a snowboard and push me
down a black diamond trail, please."
"Give me some dignity for God's sake."
I'm gonna drop another name.
A month after I broke my foot,
Tony Hawk
broke his...
...broke his femur in two.
Pow!
Landed a vertical wrong.
In his warehouse, doing his verticals,
landed it wrong. Broke his femur.
DMs me a picture of his X-ray.
He's like, "Looks like we're
in the same boat, buddy."
I'm like, "No, we're fucking not."
You...
You just Jackie-Channed yourself
into even more coolness.
He found a whole other level of cool.
I slipped off a curb
like someone's aunt that saw a bird.
That is how I went down.
I went down
in the most embarrassing way possible.
And the one weird thing that happened,
'cause when I did it
I was still in my 23-year-old
denial head of,
"I just twisted my ankle.
I'll drive home."
I was at work.
"I'll drive home. I'll be fine."
Driving home, it's hurting worse.
"Oh, this actually might be a real thing."
I get home.
I can barely get out of the car now.
And I'm limping across the street
to my house.
And it's really hurting,
and then a car pulls up,
these two women are driving,
and the driver
rolls her window down and says,
"You okay?"
I'm like, "Oh, I twisted my ankle.
I live right here."
"I'm going inside, put some ice on it."
And then, and this haunts me,
she said, "Well, don't give up."
Which... Wait.
What? Holy shit!
What was the look on my face?
What did I... Did she... "He's gonna
kill himself. Pull over. Pull over."
"Hey, don't give up."
"Let me play this Peter Gabriel,
Kate Bush song. This'll really..."
"Let's listen to this."
Maybe that was just my face left over
from the shutdown and the pandemic.
Is that how my face permanently is now?
Because I didn't do
the shutdown well at all.
I did a bad shutdown.
I planned a great shutdown.
I planned an amazing...
Remember when the shutdown happened?
Supposed to stay home,
and you had that little memory
of all the times you said,
"If I could just get a month off,
I could get my shit together."
"I could get my life...
I just need a month off."
I planned a great shutdown.
I executed the worst one ever.
Oh my God, the list I made.
The list we all made.
We all made the same list? Yes, you did.
All the great books you were gonna read.
All the great books.
All the skills you were gonna learn.
Oh my God,
we couldn't wait to work on ourselves.
If I had actually followed
the list that I made,
there'd be a different man
standing in front of you right now.
He'd be 30 pounds lighter.
He'd be speaking fluent Italian.
When all of you walked in,
there would have been
a handmade raspberry almond crumble tart
on everyone's chair, on each chair.
I would have hand-milled the flour
this morning.
You would have eaten it
off of an origami plate.
When you're done eating, you throw
the plate down, it pops up into a frog.
Oh my God! Oh, the plans I had!
I didn't do any of that shit.
I ate Doritos for breakfast,
and I watched Deadwood twice
all the way through.
Watched it. Finished it.
Back to episode one. Hit play.
That's all I fucking did.
And then I went crazier
than a barn full of clown pubes.
That is what I did
during the shutdown.
And listen, when I...
When I say,
"Crazier than a barn full of clown pubes..."
...I'm not kink-shaming.
I'm not judging.
Clowns have as much right
to have a varied and experimental,
adventurous sex life.
I'm saying the source of the crazy
isn't the clown pubes.
It's the having the thought
and then the follow-through
of "I'm gonna fill this barn..."
"...with the p..."
I just want that to be clear.
That the source of the crazy is the barn.
The barn full of pubes
isn't even the crazy.
It was the act of filling the barn...
Listen, if you...
If you just filled a barn with pubes,
you've checked off the crazy box.
But this person went,
"I'm putting obstructions in my way."
"I will only collect the pub..."
Also, how do you... There's no way to know.
Clown pubes don't look different.
Like, they're not bright orange.
They're not rainbow-colored. Look.
Some are, but a lot...
There's a lot of... Listen.
There...
There's a lot of non-clown pubes
that are bright orange
and rainbow-colored.
That's not what I'm saying here.
What I'm saying is there's no way
that... Okay, this is what I'm saying.
Wait. Fuck.
Okay.
If you...
Like, okay, if you're walking around...
...and there's a barn,
and you open those two big doors,
there's a wall of pubes,
and you go, "Well, there's a maniac
roaming the countryside."
If someone said,
"Those are only clown pubes."
Like, "Oh! We gotta call
the National Guard."
Wait a minute. What?
'Cause there's no way to prove that.
Oh, okay, wait. You could do this.
Every time...
Every time that you collect...
Not... Not a...
Not a clump. That's gross.
Not a clump of... No.
Clump is too gross.
Thatch? No.
Thatch is too folksy.
That's... That's the other...
Like, if Cracker Barrel
opened a BDSM store,
they would call it the Thatch of Pubes.
That's what it would be called.
You'd go down to the Th...
It'd probably be connected
to the Cracker Barrel. You'd go in,
get a nice breakfast, then go, "Hang on.
I gotta pop into the Thatch of Pubes."
"Pay the bill.
I'll meet you at the front."
Thatch of Pu...
♪ Thatch of Pubes ♪
We...
♪ We've got nipple clamps
And scented lubes ♪
We've got
floggers, and paddles, and dildos. Oh my!
And a tower of butt plugs
that kisses the sky.
Tell 'em Petunia the pube pig sent ya.
Oink. All right. Um...
Handful. Handful of clown pubes. That's
non-gender specific.
Every time you collect
a handful of clown pubes,
you take a Polaroid.
You have a Polaroid,
so you're kneeling down.
You're collecting the pubes.
You got your baggy.
Gotta do it full length.
Get the whole clown in there.
He or she's gotta be in their wig,
their makeup,
holding that day's newspaper...
...so you know.
Then you take a hole-punch,
punch a hole through the Polaroid,
get a ribbon, put it through that hole,
tie the other end of the ribbon
to the... the... the handful of pubes,
toss it in the barn...
Every handful of pubes is accounted for.
There you go.
And that's how you would pro...
Fuck, no. No, you can't.
You know why?
No, that doesn't work,
because then someone can go,
"Technically, you didn't fill
the barn with pubes
because the ribbon
and the Polaroid took up..."
No, it has to be
complete confidence in the speaker
and total trust in the listener.
When you say I tho...
This is what's happening right now, okay?
We're starting this set out.
Let's go on a journey for the next hour.
I started off pretty strong, I think.
I think I've won your trust,
but you know what? You shouldn't 100%...
No. Not yet though.
Because what you've got...
Listen. What I've done, comedically,
creatively, I have opened the barn doors.
And there's a wall of pubes.
And yes, it's impressive,
but you're right to go, "You know what?"
"I bet that wall of pubes,
I bet that's a half an inch thick."
"And there's a big
sheet of plywood behind,
and the rest of the barn is empty."
"I've been screwed over too many..."
You're right to think that.
What I'm... This is what I'm doing.
As a comedian, I'm inviting you...
I'm saying I want you
to run as hard as you can
into this wall of pubes,
and then, I want you
to fight your way back,
just fight your way
to the back of the barn...
...until you're cocooned in pubes.
You know what I mean? At the back.
And when your hand hits that back wall,
you will think, "I met a man of honor."
That is what you will think.
That is what I want for us.
Not me, not you, us. All of us.
That's what I want.
Those are the kind of bits
I wrote during the shutdown.
I'd be awake for eight days in a row...
Five in the morning,
"The fucking Polaroid doesn't even work!"
Goddamn it!
I bought a trampoline.
Not a giant backyard...
One of those little workout ones.
Yeah. Little tiny trampoline.
It's called a rebounder. Awesome.
You get up on it. You hop up and down,
get the lymphatic system going,
"Here you go. Ooh.
Out, in. Forward, back. Ski it out."
Great workout.
Got it right at the beginning
of the pandemic.
"I'm gonna stay fit during this thing,
man. I got my new rebounder."
It came out of the box,
not a speck of dust on it.
Oh, I was so excited.
I could feel how excited
the rebounder was.
You could feel it. He was like, "I'm gonna
make a difference in this house."
"I belong here. I'm gonna change
things for the better."
I'm like, "That's right, little rebounder.
Wanna go inside the house?"
"You wanna go in the gym?"
He's like, "Yeah."
We have a gym in our house.
It's a room with an elliptical in it.
We call it a gym.
I take him inside. Oh, he's so excited.
I put him down.
"I'll see you tomorrow, little rebounder."
He goes, "Yeah."
We both looked over
at the elliptical.
Against the wall.
Clothes hanging off of it.
Covered in dust.
And I could feel
the rebounder's heart break.
I could feel his...
You know what it felt like?
It felt like the rookie cop
fresh out of the academy.
He's like, "Give me the worst precinct
in town. I'll turn it around!"
"I've got progressive policing techniques,
community outreach."
"I'll make a difference."
And he shows up that first day,
big thermos of green tea,
little keto lunch, he's all excited.
Looks over in the corner,
"Who's at his desk?"
The old homicide cop.
Eight bullet holes in him.
Eleven colostomy bags.
He's having
his seventh Viceroy of the morning.
That's the elliptical.
Looks at the little rookie rebounder,
"You're gonna learn, kid."
"You think I didn't have dreams
when I came here, huh?"
"I was top of the line!"
"You can stream movies on me,
TV shows, mountain programs, everything!"
"Oh! I was gonna turn
this house of fatties around."
"That guy that just dropped you off,
he was on me day one."
"Cute little workout outfit."
"Little iPhone.
He downloaded a bunch of podcasts on it."
"Ooh, a thinker!"
"He gets up on me,
stretch those little fat thighs,
pumping them up and down."
"Thought he was gonna go the distance."
"He didn't make it
past the first Blue Apron ad."
"Hopped off of me."
"Went and checked his texts
in the crapper."
"He never came back."
"Oh, he'll be here tomorrow."
"Oh, he'll be
in his little workout outfit."
"He'll probably put
a little playlist on his iPhone."
"Yeah."
"He's a Gen X-er in his fifties."
"I bet it'll be all early '80s
New Wave pop."
"That's how he's gonna get thin.
Nostalgia."
"He'll hop up on you,
start jumping up and down
like a gibbon full of Skittles."
"What'll be the first song he listens to?
I can call it right now."
"It'll be the Go-Go's
'Our Lips Are Sealed.'"
"That'll be the first song."
"And you'll be all excited.
'Oh, he's gonna go the full hour'"!
"He won't make it past the bridge."
"The minute Jane Wiedlin
starts singing, "Hush my darling,"
he'll hop off of you,
he'll check his texts in the crapper."
"He'll never come back."
"Extinguish all joy within you,
and nothing'll ever hurt you again."
I just pitched
the saddest Pixar movie in the...
If they do a movie
with the Safdie brothers,
that's gotta be their movie.
Harvey Keitel is the elliptical.
Timothée Chalamet is the rebounder.
And Frances McDormand
is the half-inflated exercise ball.
Went fucking crazy during the shutdown.
My rock-bottom, psychologically,
during the shutdown
happened on the same day
as my wife and daughter's.
We all hit crazy rock-bottom
at the same time.
Um, it was a weekday.
We're all in the house, staying inside.
Doing our part.
Stop the spread.
My daughter's in the kitchen,
and out of nowhere, she says,
"Hey, there's a weird guy
in our backyard."
What the fuck? I go running out, "What?"
Looking out, "I don't see anybody.
You saw someone?"
She goes, "Some weird guy
just walked across our backyard
and went around the back.
He's back there right now."
I'm like, "Oh shit!"
We have cameras all over the property.
I have an app on my phone. You click it
and can look at what the camera sees.
I'm waiting for it.
I'm gonna go back and confront him.
I just wanna know
what I'm about to deal with.
I don't know what's back there.
What if it's a lost hippie
wanting someone to hacky-sack with him?
"I'll hacky-sack with you."
Could be a maniac, nude, with a bucket
of chicken on his dick, holding a sword.
I don't know what's back...
I just wanna be ready.
But the cameras aren't loading,
and I'm waiting for it. Goddamn it.
And then my wife
pushes past us,
doesn't say anything
and goes striding across the back lawn.
She's got a white summer dress on
flowing in the wind, barefoot.
And she's holding a pink,
aluminum baseball bat.
And she has serious Manson girl energy
coming off of her, like...
"Look at that hot, hippie chick
that I wanna fuck and get murdered by."
"Yay."
So, she...
It takes me a second to realize what
she's doing, then I go clomping after her,
in my flip-flops and cargo pants,
but she's already around the corner
and she's already laying into this guy.
Before I can turn the corner,
I hear her screaming at him,
"Who the fuck are you?
Get the fuck out of my yard!"
"I will fuck you up."
So...
I...
I turned the corner.
She's in a stance.
Like Uma in Kill Bill, she's ready to go.
The guy she's yelling at,
little scruffy looking,
didn't look crazy, didn't look homeless,
holding a cell phone,
just looked a little off,
and she's screaming and yelling at him,
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
Now I'm gonna stop the story
and tell you what was actually happening.
There was something wrong
with our air conditioner. I...
I called our contractor
and said, "Can you send someone
to the house to fix the AC?"
Without telling us,
he gave this guy our address
and gate code and sent him to the house.
So yes, massive misunderstanding.
My wife is now screaming at him,
and she's just fucking...
Just blazing Valkyrie,
shrieking at the top of her lungs
at this guy, "Who the fuck are you?"
Now, to his discredit...
...when there is a blazing-eyed Valkyrie
holding a vagina-colored piece of metal...
...threatening to kill you,
answer in short, declarative sentences.
This guy...
This guy was going,
"Who's anybody really, man? Like..."
"Every day was...
Oh, the wheel in the sky..."
Oh, goddamn it.
Now she's got both hands on the bat.
She's gonna swing on the guy.
And then he looks at me.
And when he looks at me,
that's when he gets scared.
He started saying, "My name is Michael.
Your guy Steve sent me here to figure..."
And my wife's like, "Oh my God,
he didn't tell us. I'm so sorry."
"Oh my God, I'm gonna call him right now."
"I'm... This was...
This really got off on the wrong foot."
"How about you leave..."
The guy was more than happy to leave.
I'm sure he was driving home going,
"That poor bastard. Oh my God."
"I'm sure the sex is amazing but..."
Um...
A lot of you hear the story and go,
"That's not very manly of you."
"You let your wife...
God knows what could've happened!"
I argue the opposite.
I say that our timing and placement
made us a more effective
home invasion deterrent.
'Cause remember he never got scared
when she was screaming at him?
He just kept going, "I..."
You know why?
He couldn't process what he was seeing.
Gorgeous Valkyrie,
vagina-colored metal, screaming.
Too much. Too fucking much.
Couldn't process it.
And also, again,
the energy she's giving off is
outer-space sex vixen about to murder you.
Can't process it.
You know what he could process?
Me.
Standing five feet behind her,
'cause the energy I was giving off was,
"I can't do nothing
when she gets like this."
"I... I tried to get her
to go to the nervous hospital, see?"
"She said she'd burn the house down."
"She's killed
so many Amazon delivery drivers."
"I can't dig no more holes in the desert.
Please just run!"
I'm doing some poses that we can freeze
for the Netflix save screen. A little...
There's gotta be...
What if I did... What if I use...
Here's what I'm gonna do.
Watch. Like this.
Now, look. That's...
That's not a bit in the special,
but if you're watching Netflix,
and that "coming up next," you're like,
"Let's watch a minute of that."
Like, "What the fuck is this?"
I'm vaxxed and boosted.
Yes, I am. Thank you. It shouldn't...
Thank you. But...
That... Look.
Thank you. It's also sad that gets
applause at this point, isn't it?
You get applause for taking
the most basic care of your health?
That's like me going,
"Folks, I wipe after I shit. Thank..." No.
No, no.
People. No.
I'm no... I'm no hero now.
It's the lumberjacks
who cut down the trees
that make the toilet...
Those are the heroes.
Yeah!
I assume there's a lumberjack here.
All right, um...
Or a really enthusiastic wiper.
Um...
I got my vax right when the vax came out.
Immediately.
I didn't jump the line.
I didn't use my privilege, but...
I acted on some inside information,
and I feel bad about this.
This is how I did it. Uh...
Right when the vaccine came out,
I have a friend, lives out in Riverside.
And he calls me and says, "I don't
know if I should tell you this, but,
uh, out where I'm living,
it's MAGA country."
"No one is getting the vaccine."
"There's a Rite Aid near me,
a woman sitting at a table."
"Everyone that walks in she asks
if they want it. No one will get it."
"They're throwing crates of this shit
out the back."
"If you drive out here,
you will get a shot."
"Don't even make an appointment."
So I drove out there.
I walk in. There's a woman at a table.
I go, "Hi, excuse me.
I'd like to get a vaccine."
She was like, "You would?"
Like, she had no...
She had run out of Tolkien novels to read.
Like, "Yeah. Let me get you set up."
Like, "Go stand over there."
While I'm waiting, my friend was right,
everyone that walked in,
"Would you like a vaccine?"
"No, thank you."
And one guy gave her a, uh...
"Yeah, no thanks."
Like, "Yeah, nice try, Deep State.
I think I'm gonna, uh..."
"I think I'm gonna stay tracker-free
for the time being if that's all right."
"Hang on. Yeah.
I'm at the Rite Aid again. Yeah."
"They tried to get a fucking track...
Hang on. I'm losing you."
"There you are. Yeah, no.
I'm off the grid, man. That's..."
"Right. I'll call you later."
Got my shot. Got my second shot,
then boosted twice. I'm fucking fine.
In 1955,
the polio vaccine came out.
1955.
We were two years away
from satellites.
There were no satellites!
And America could not have been
more backward, racist,
homophobic, sexist,
and these non-satellite-having,
racist dipshits
lined the fuck up
to get their fucking vaccine!
What the fuck!
"Give me that shot. I can't police
these water fountains from a wheelchair."
"I can't beat up queers
inside an iron lung! Give me my science!"
"What am I, a caveman?"
Now
it's the year 2022,
which, first off,
doesn't sound like a real year, does it?
Doesn't that sound made up?
Like you're watching a cheap
science-fiction film, "In the year 2022..."
"Oh, you're just
throwing numbers together. Jesus!"
"Who wrote this shit?"
It's 2022.
We have robots on Mars.
They send us TikTok videos.
Half of the country's like, "That needle's
got witch poison in it, I tells ya."
"You ain't putting no witch poison in me."
"Keep your wizard jab away from me."
"I got to watch the video
that the Mars robot
sent to the world brain
I keep it in my pocket."
"But keep all that science away from me."
If that attitude had existed in 1955,
the government would have had to do
one of those PSAs,
like a little cartoon dancing,
hypodermic needle coming out, you know.
"Who do I gotta blow to cure polio?"
Like little...
Yes.
That's right, jabby.
Tell everyone about your benefits.
"My benefits? Your fucking legs work.
How's that for a benefit?"
"You medieval shitheads."
It's a different world now, man.
It's a different world. Isn't it?
Cruise ships? Oh, you'll never see
a cruise ship again. Kiss that goodbye.
Our grandkids won't know what a buffet is.
Oh.
Fuck, Covid changed everything.
First off, every cruise ship
is booked up to the year 2026.
People cannot wait
to get aboard the plague barge
and sail the bounding main.
"Oh, let me die near a water slide!"
Not only are buffets gonna come back,
they're gonna come back
with this weird, own-the-libs vengeance.
Every one of them's gonna have an agenda.
"Come on down to Captain Covid's
Alpha Males Only buffet!"
"You the kind of left-wing soy boy
that needs a sneeze guard
over your clam chowder,
or are you able to fuck your wife?"
"Then come on down to Captain Covid's..."
"You show us proof
you ain't been vaccinated,
you get a free platter
of room-temperature scallops."
"That's right."
Oh...
I was listening to '70s on 7
on the way here.
Yeah, on my XM Sirius satellite dial.
You like '70s music?
You hit number seven.
All the '70s music you can have,
'70s on 7.
You like '80s music?
You hit number eight.
'80s on 8.
Do you like '90s music?
Guess what you hit. Number nine!
Do you like '40s music?
Well, you don't hit number four.
You used to, '40s on 4.
Now, channel 71.
'40s Junction.
You like '50s music?
Well, it's channel 72.
'50s Gold.
You like '60s music?
Seventy-three, '60s Gold.
Why did those three channels get moved
to the outer rim
of the XM Sirius universe?
I will tell you why.
Their listeners are dying.
'40s, '50s, '60s.
Those listeners are dropping like...
The fucking '40s channel
has five listeners left.
Three World War II veterans
and a couple of contrarian hipsters.
That's it.
That's all that's left.
"You know who's punk rock?
Artie Shaw." Fuck off.
And we can laugh and enjoy it,
but hey, during our lifetimes,
'70s, '80s, '90s
will go marching up the dial.
That's how you can track
how the generations are dying,
by where they're putting the stations.
Keep the '70s, '80s, '90s easy.
I hope when they do that,
that they take a little time and give
some consideration to the names
the way they did for the '40s channel,
'40s Junction, train station, evocative.
I get it. Picture in my head.
And then they just gave up.
'50s Gold, '60s... Ah, who care... What?
You couldn't do
"Poodle Skirts and Milkshakes"?
You couldn't do "Patchouli Oil
and Love Beads," or whatever?
Give the '70s channel a name
emblematic of the decade.
You know,
"Your Mother and I Are Separating Radio."
How about that? That's good. Sure.
Yeah.
"Giant Candles Everywhere
For Some Reason Tunes."
The '80s could be "Trapper Keeper Tunes."
And then the '90s channel
could just be...
I don't know...
That was Abra Moore's
"Four-Leaf Clover" on...
Hi. Do you live here in Denver, ma'am?
- I live in Colorado Springs.
- You live in Colorado Springs?
- Nice. Thank you for making the drive.
- No problem.
Okay. What do you...
Okay, glad I got that straight.
It wasn't a problem.
Thank God. Okay.
Guys, it wasn't a problem. It's cool.
Do you work in Colorado Springs?
- What do you do?
- I'm a doctor.
You're a doctor.
Oh my God, a brainiac. All right, um...
What kind of medicine do you practice?
I'm a pediatric neurologist.
Pediatric neurologist.
Oh my God!
You're like...
You are serving your community.
You are helping children.
You have a positive job
that you have a positive attitude towards.
This is comedy death.
I need to get off of you right now.
There's nothing here.
I need to talk to a meth cook
or a divorcee. This is...
"I help children live."
All right. Shit.
Is this, uh... Are you with her?
You guys together? Is this the hubby?
- The husband.
- The husband. What do you do, sir?
- I'm a lawyer.
- You're a lawyer?
Ah...
Finally.
Some evil.
Oh God, if it's some kind of positive
community outreach law, I'm gonna fucking...
What kind of law do you practice, sir?
I prosecute juvenile sex crimes.
You prosecute juvenile sex offenders.
Well...
When you say juvenile sex offenders,
do you mean people
who commit sex offenses against juveniles,
or juveniles who are sex offenders?
Juveniles who are sex offenders.
Juveniles who are sex offenders.
Gotta be very careful with the phrasing.
And when you say...
And then what happens? Like, they get...
Why am I...? What is this, a...? I gotta...
Me sitting down
was good for that one laugh.
I'm not gonna do the rest of my show
like, "So what do you do?"
What the hell am I doing?
You are prosecuting
the juvenile sex offenders.
Okay.
And you are a neurological pediatrician.
So a kid whose brain maybe
isn't working correctly, you help fix it.
And the ones you can't fix,
he puts away, right?
Is that how...
There we go.
There's your next Marvel team-up.
All right.
So...
That was cute and dark
at the same time.
Rare to find that.
It's like a goth girl holding a kitten.
All right.
How about you? Do you live here in Denver?
- I do.
- You do? What do you do in Denver?
Uh, I work in a bar and I'm a student.
You work in a bar and you're a student.
Oh, it's a 1980s Tom Hanks movie.
All right.
So...
- What are you studying right now?
- Uh, cybersecurity.
Cybersecurity.
And then, by day, he patrols the Internet.
At night, it's Slippery Nipples
for secretaries, right?
What, uh... So you're a bartender,
and so do you want to eventually work
in cybersecurity? Obviously.
- Yeah.
- And the bartending's paying the bills.
Paying for you to learn. What is the...
What's the scariest thing
you've learned so far
in terms of cybersecurity?
How close are we to some huge hack attack
where suddenly the ATMs don't work
and all of our porn searches
are on the internet?
When does that happen?
Um...
- Pretty much nothing is private.
- Pretty much nothing is private.
Well, we all know that at this point.
That's not...
Oh my God, have you ever...
Okay, when you were growing up,
was there, like, some asshole
that bullied you or was really shitty,
and now that you're learning
your cybersecurity skills,
you could go digging
into this person's life
and just dis-fucking-mantle it
if you wanted to?
Has that temptation
ever crossed your head?
- Pretty frequently.
- Have you... Oh!
Have you done searches
of old bullies' names and stuff like that?
I've... I've chosen not to.
You've chosen not to.
That is a very lawyerly response.
That was... Did you catch that?
Oh, man.
Is this the wife or girlfriend?
- Uh, yes.
- Which one?
- Girlfriend.
- Girlfriend! Oh!
And what do you do?
- I'm an educator.
- You're an educator.
And what do you... Thank you.
Wow.
What, uh... What do you...
What areas do you educate in?
I help high schoolers, um,
access free college credit.
Help high schoolers
access free college credit.
Does the... That's cool.
Does the, um...
Does the sleeve tattoo help break the ice
when they're like, "She's cool"?
- "She's all right."
- Yep.
- That must help.
- It does, yeah.
Do you go in
with the sleeve tattoo visible?
- Or do they make you wear a long sleeve?
- I bust it all out.
You bust it all out, sit there...
"Let's get you some fucking credit
while you look at The Gashlycrumb Tinies
right there, man. There you go."
You got some ink too.
How long you been going out?
- Three years.
- Four. Three or four years.
Three or four years.
Mmm.
Some cybersecurity,
if you know what I'm saying.
Ah, come on, people. Um...
Are you... Do you live together?
Oh, nice!
Are you gonna... She looks awesome in...
And then he can get you, like,
free credit card shit and everything.
I mean, come on.
It's a match made in heaven.
Make it happen.
Couldn't he use his cybersecurity
to get kids free college credit?
Change their grades,
get them into Harvard.
There's another fucking team-up.
All right.
I have two superhero teams
in the front row.
Oh, hello sir.
Shorts in the front row. Ballsy.
That's it. You have way more
self-confidence than I will ever have.
Do you live here in Denver?
- I do.
- And what do you do in Denver?
I work in Boulder, actually.
You work in Boulder.
Live in Denver, work in Boulder.
What do you do in Boulder?
I work for a grocery store.
You work for a grocery store.
With that facial hair?
They're cool with that or...?
What... I'm not gonna ask
what grocery store. That's weird.
I bet you can figure it out.
Probably could. Hang on. What is
your specific job at the grocery store?
I'm a manager.
You're a manager at the grocery store.
Do you manage the whole store
or one department?
Um...
Yeah.
- Yeah, part of it. Yeah.
- Part of it.
The liquor section?
What part do you, um...?
You seem amazed
at hearing that you're working
at a grocery store coming out of you.
"I work at a grocery store! I..."
And, uh, who are you here with?
Is this your friend?
There's your friend.
And where do you work?
- Uh, I work from home.
- You work from home.
- In sales.
- In sales.
- I sell light bulbs.
- You sell light bulbs.
Are you asking me?
You seem to be like, "I sell light..."
You're answering my questions
like I'm a homicide cop.
You're like, "I-I sell light bulbs?"
Like, it's not...
You sell light bulbs from your home.
I'm a lighting salesman.
You're a lighting salesman,
so you stay in your house.
You call people up
or get on the internet with them?
- On the internet.
- On the internet.
- And you try to sell them light bulbs.
- Absolutely.
Individuals or corporations?
- Both.
- Both.
That's so fucking weird.
I just... I don't know how...
So you get on Zoom calls with them,
and go, "Really quick,
turn on all your lights."
"It's pretty shitty, huh?"
"Well, I've got a solution for you."
You're not far.
That's so fucking interesting.
Okay. You two are delightful,
and you are not a superhero team.
I'm sorry.
That is...
I don't know what the hell you are.
There's a guy who works at a Trader...
Doesn't quite know what he does there.
Another guy gets on Zoom calls
and sells light bulbs.
I think you have a weird OnlyFans.
You're just covering for it now.
You don't really sell light bulbs.
- It's the DC Universe.
- Oh, DC Universe. Very... Oh...
I'll do the nerd shit, my friend.
All right.
Don't you dare!
That was a fun front row.
Give them a round of applause.
Thank you, guys. Wow.
I love the flow of that.
You know, doctor, lawyer,
cybersecurity, educator,
sort of groceries, light bulbs, I guess.
I don't know.
Perfectly paced.
You know what doesn't age well?
Woke.
It really doesn't.
I'm woke, I think.
But you know what? I won't be someday,
and so will all of you.
Be woke. Be open-minded.
Just don't pat yourself on the back,
'cause it'll bite you in the ass.
Everyone getting cancelled now
for not being woke
was woke about something,
they just couldn't keep up with progress.
Progress will always
fucking steamroller you.
I'm very pro-trans, very pro-gay marriage,
gay rights, and pro-abor...
No, no, no. No. No.
That's not... What I'm saying is
that is going to blow up
in my face someday.
I'll be doing comedy when I'm 70,
and I will let slip something
that I won't be able to keep up with.
I'll be like, "I don't think people
should fuck their clones."
"Boo!" There'll be some weird, like...
"No wait, I'm pro-trans."
"Fuck you, clone hater!"
"No, I'm totally progressive!"
#Stopclonehate, then I gotta...
Then I'll double down.
"When I grew up, you didn't jerk off
in a test tube
and fuck whatever came out of it!
If that makes me the bad guy, I'm sorry!"
"Boo!"
By the way, that's how you know
if you're a...
uh, if you're an oppressed minority,
or, you know, a fringe group
that used to be shit on,
and now you know that you've made it
when straight, white people
start asking you if jokes are okay.
That's when you know...
The trans community really broke through
because all of a sudden, straight,
white people'll be like, "Is this okay?"
"Does this joke work? Is that okay?"
You know.
But either way, that means in the future,
straight, white people
are gonna be the minority,
then they're gonna have assholes like,
"Hey, I'm doing a joke
about a straight, white dude, and, um,
I have him bowling. Is that okay?
You guys bowl, right? Like that's..."
"It's not offensive?"
"He's listening to Limp Bizkit,
'ironically, ' okay?"
"It's ironic. I'm doing it ironically."
Goddamn, these last six years. Holy shit.
I was in such a panic in 2016,
then all the subsequent years,
"What the hell's going on? Oh my God.
Is America coming to an end?"
No. You know what?
It isn't. It's bad right now,
but everything that's happening
is supposed to be happening right now.
Do you know what 2016 was?
It was the boomers' last temper tantrum.
That's what that was.
The boomers' last temper tantrum.
Every time a generation gets old,
they panic
because death is scary and gross,
and they put someone shitty
in the White House before they go.
This has happened before.
The greatest generation...
The greatest generation,
oh my God, fought the Nazis,
saved the world from tyranny,
came back, built the suburbs,
raised the baby boomers,
then they started getting old.
Hair turned gray,
dick didn't work anymore,
hemorrhoids and hysterectomies.
They panicked.
Now it's the late '70s.
Punk music, they don't know
what's going on. "Fuck this."
"Put the old cowboy movie actor
in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!"
"I was here, goddamn it!"
Then the baby boomers grew up.
Think of the baby boomers.
They were on the cutting edge of sex,
rock and roll, rebellion...
They owned youth,
and then they got fucking old.
And their hair got gray,
and their dick stopped working,
hemorrhoids and hysterectomies,
fucking Gen X and Gen Z
making fun of them on Twitter and TikTok.
All this hip-hop music
they don't understand.
Now they're, "Oh my God, I'm about to die.
What the fuck is going on?"
"Put the racist game show host
in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!"
"I was here!"
I'm Gen X.
Well, our temper tantrum
is going to be beyond ugly.
When we start getting old, our dicks
stop working, our hair goes gray,
God knows who we're gonna put
in the White House.
It's gonna be either Eddie Vedder
or Janeane Garofalo. One of those two.
I don't know.
Look.
I love those guys.
Janeane would be a horrible president.
I've known her since the '90s. I love her.
She would tell you that herself.
Janeane, you should be president.
"I'm not doing that shit."
Oh my God, wait a minute.
That's how she'll win.
Think of how Gen X thinks. Like,
"That's exactly the attitude we need."
That's perfect.
"No, I'm serious. I'm not doing it."
Yeah, we know, yes.
She'll blow off a debate.
She won't campaign.
She won't show up to her own inauguration.
Yes, that'll be awesome.
We'll love her even more. CNN will have
a ticker on the bottom of the screen,
like, "Day 312
of the president not showing up."
It'll cut to her in some coffee shop.
"I told you I wasn't gonna run."
And then we'll die,
and we won't be here to see what Gen Z
puts in the White House.
President Logan Paul.
I don't... Look. I don't know.
President Joe Rogan.
He would...
People, listen to me. I've also...
I've known Joe since the '90s.
He is a sweet guy.
He has gone off the rails.
You know why?
'Cause someone gave him
a hundred million dollars.
That would drive anybody... He's actually
handling it better than I would.
If I had a fucking podcast
about knitting
and someone gave me a hundred million,
I would fuck yarn on my podcast!
And Joe would be like,
"Patton went fucking nuts. Oh my God."
Aging isn't bad
if you don't take it personally.
That's the key, you know.
Treat it like it's a...
Pretend you're Jeff Goldblum
in The Fly,
and you're watching all this weird shit
happen. You're like, "Oh my!"
Get a leather-bound notebook.
Take notes, you know, late at night, like...
"Oh. My farts smell like old books."
"That's... Hmm."
"But I'm not eating old books. This..."
"This calls for further examination."
"Day 17. Takes longer to stop peeing
than it does to pee."
It's coming for all of us.
I'm gonna leave you
with this story about my, uh...
Another breakdown that I had.
Foot, all of it, it's all coming apart.
But you know what?
We're living in the 21st century
and it's okay.
Always keep that in mind.
Last year, last November,
I had to have some
minor surgery, right?
And I'm gonna tell you the story.
I'm gonna use a little AP English zhoosh
to keep it from being horrifying,
'cause it is.
I had to have some minor surgery,
the kind of surgery that,
um, I'll put it this way,
men my age who sit down a lot
have to have.
See where I'm going?
So... And I'm worried. Still Covid.
"Oh my God, what if I get an infection?"
But I forgot
I live in the 21st century.
I have all these advantages
in the plus column.
On the day of the operation,
I summoned a car with my phone.
The car came. The guy was masked.
I was masked.
Car was clean, took me to the hospital.
Doctor met me, showed me
all the cleanliness protocols they had.
He said, "This surgery, we've refined it."
"It only takes an hour.
You'll be out for an hour."
"You'll go home today."
He put me under. I wake up an hour later.
Oh my God, I'm fine.
He goes, "You are fine."
"Here are some cutting-edge painkillers
to help you with your recovery."
"You won't feel a thing."
"Now take out your phone
and summon another car."
"You live in the 21st century."
And I did, and the car took me home.
And when I got home, I had a device
onto which I could call, from the air,
movies, books, television shows, music
to entertain me while I recovered.
Twenty-first century.
When I left the hospital,
the doctor said,
"There's a certain bodily function,
that you're used to doing every day."
"And for the next few days,
you're not gonna do it."
"And then, after three or four days,
all of a sudden,
you will do it."
"But the first time you do it,
it will be doing you."
"There's no shame in it."
"It's gonna happen, part of the recovery."
"Go heal in peace."
I go home.
First day, I watch movies.
I read books on my iPad.
I go to sleep.
Nothing happens.
Next day, watch movies,
read books on my iPad, go to sleep.
Nothing happens.
Third day,
watch movies,
read books on my iPad,
go to sleep.
3:30 in the morning.
It happens.
But I wake up as it's happening
and I can feel it coming.
I'm half a second ahead of it.
Oh my goodness,
it's not gonna be a disaster.
I hop out of bed. Everything's okay.
I make it across the bedroom floor.
I get into the bathroom.
I'm ten feet away from the toilet.
I'm gonna make it.
Boom! No.
I had managed to get my underwear
and sweatpants off.
Which made things ten times worse.
Because now,
our pristine white-tile bathroom...
...was
decorated for autumn.
How about that, huh? Yeah.
Happy Thanksgiving.
So...
I'm standing there
going, "Oh my God, I've got two choices.
I can either clean myself off,
or risk my wife coming in
and seeing this disaster,
which she doesn't deserve."
So, I do the second choice.
I clean up everything first.
I get a bunch of towels.
I get everything all cleaned up
in a big, gross wad.
I gotta take off all my clothes,
including my shirt. I'd ruined my shirt.
Physics.
So...
Take the whole wad
down to the... And I'm nude now.
Go down to the kitchen
with this big wad of horror,
take the bag out of the can,
put this in the bag.
Now, four in the morning,
I gotta walk to the end of my driveway
where the trash cans are.
Get the thing open. Drop it.
And I just stand there.
Nude.
4:00 in the morning.
And I just
looked at the moon.
Like, hours ago,
I was in the 21st century...
...with access to cutting-edge technology,
medicine, transportation.
And now,
just a mere couple of hours later,
I had been revealed
as the naked ape I always was.
The naked,
shit-covered ape
that's inside all of us.
And I actually had
a weird moment of peace,
'cause it was so awful,
and I'm just like, "You know what?
I'm actually as far away
from the 21st century
as I could possibly be right now."
"I'm actually closer
to my Neanderthal forebears."
"There's something
weirdly cleansing about this."
And I had that feeling
for, like, ten seconds.
That's when I remembered all my neighbors
have ring cameras on their doors.
So everybody got
their Christmas card that year.
Thank you so much, Denver!
Thank you!
Thank you, guys. Thank you!
Thank all of you.
Thank you!
♪ Place the gun to my heart ♪
♪ I don't care 'cause Friday I'm in love ♪
♪ We had a plan, don't make it weird ♪
♪ What I like, baby, it ain't clear ♪
♪ So close ♪
♪ I'm looking for a place to breathe ♪
♪ So close ♪
♪ Drain me of my everything ♪
♪ Don't go ♪
♪ I wanna, wanna trust you ♪
♪ Don't go ♪
♪ Don't go ♪
♪ All the cities that we burned down ♪
♪ Turns out I'm very hard to kill ♪
♪ After all the damage we've done ♪
♪ Turns out I'm very hard to kill ♪
♪ Birthday cards at the corner store ♪
♪ You grabbed a box of Slims
And said, "I want more" ♪
♪ You're so cool, you hate yourself ♪
♪ Lying on the floor
In a stranger's house ♪
♪ So close ♪
♪ I'm looking for a place to... ♪
Denver!
Oh my God!
Hello. Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Oh my God!
Yes!
Thank you all so much
for coming out tonight.
Um... Hey, I broke my foot.
Yeah.
That's how I started my year.
I broke my foot. Uh...
It was... It took two...
It happened in two parts.
Uh, the second part was
I slipped off a curb and I landed wrong.
That was the second part.
The first and most important part was
I turned 53.
That is the crucial part.
I... You turn...
Once you get past 50, everything's fatal.
I... When I was in my twenties,
I would walk into propellers
and put some Bactine on it.
I was fine.
And now if a pine cone falls near me,
my spine implodes.
I don't know what... Like that.
Broke my foot, and then the day after...
I'm gonna drop a name. All right.
Uh, the day after I broke my foot,
Glenn Howerton, my friend Glenn Howerton...
...who is almost 50,
but for this bit he's over 50.
I needed to...
Come on, who cares about logic?
He broke his collarbone.
So I called him up, gave him
a little solidarity, a little support.
"Hey, man. I broke my foot."
"What happened?"
In my mind, I'm thinking,
"Well, he was probably reaching
for a bag of SunChips wrong,
and his collarbone broke or something."
And he said, "Yeah, I was snowboarding.
I landed a flip wrong."
All right.
Fuck off. Fuck off.
You don't need to go to that much hassle.
Once you get to a certain age,
you don't need...
I don't even think that's what happened.
I think he's lying to me.
I think... I think somebody
slammed a door near him,
and then his collarbone
fell into his ass cheek.
And then he told his wife,
"Duct-tape me to a snowboard and push me
down a black diamond trail, please."
"Give me some dignity for God's sake."
I'm gonna drop another name.
A month after I broke my foot,
Tony Hawk
broke his...
...broke his femur in two.
Pow!
Landed a vertical wrong.
In his warehouse, doing his verticals,
landed it wrong. Broke his femur.
DMs me a picture of his X-ray.
He's like, "Looks like we're
in the same boat, buddy."
I'm like, "No, we're fucking not."
You...
You just Jackie-Channed yourself
into even more coolness.
He found a whole other level of cool.
I slipped off a curb
like someone's aunt that saw a bird.
That is how I went down.
I went down
in the most embarrassing way possible.
And the one weird thing that happened,
'cause when I did it
I was still in my 23-year-old
denial head of,
"I just twisted my ankle.
I'll drive home."
I was at work.
"I'll drive home. I'll be fine."
Driving home, it's hurting worse.
"Oh, this actually might be a real thing."
I get home.
I can barely get out of the car now.
And I'm limping across the street
to my house.
And it's really hurting,
and then a car pulls up,
these two women are driving,
and the driver
rolls her window down and says,
"You okay?"
I'm like, "Oh, I twisted my ankle.
I live right here."
"I'm going inside, put some ice on it."
And then, and this haunts me,
she said, "Well, don't give up."
Which... Wait.
What? Holy shit!
What was the look on my face?
What did I... Did she... "He's gonna
kill himself. Pull over. Pull over."
"Hey, don't give up."
"Let me play this Peter Gabriel,
Kate Bush song. This'll really..."
"Let's listen to this."
Maybe that was just my face left over
from the shutdown and the pandemic.
Is that how my face permanently is now?
Because I didn't do
the shutdown well at all.
I did a bad shutdown.
I planned a great shutdown.
I planned an amazing...
Remember when the shutdown happened?
Supposed to stay home,
and you had that little memory
of all the times you said,
"If I could just get a month off,
I could get my shit together."
"I could get my life...
I just need a month off."
I planned a great shutdown.
I executed the worst one ever.
Oh my God, the list I made.
The list we all made.
We all made the same list? Yes, you did.
All the great books you were gonna read.
All the great books.
All the skills you were gonna learn.
Oh my God,
we couldn't wait to work on ourselves.
If I had actually followed
the list that I made,
there'd be a different man
standing in front of you right now.
He'd be 30 pounds lighter.
He'd be speaking fluent Italian.
When all of you walked in,
there would have been
a handmade raspberry almond crumble tart
on everyone's chair, on each chair.
I would have hand-milled the flour
this morning.
You would have eaten it
off of an origami plate.
When you're done eating, you throw
the plate down, it pops up into a frog.
Oh my God! Oh, the plans I had!
I didn't do any of that shit.
I ate Doritos for breakfast,
and I watched Deadwood twice
all the way through.
Watched it. Finished it.
Back to episode one. Hit play.
That's all I fucking did.
And then I went crazier
than a barn full of clown pubes.
That is what I did
during the shutdown.
And listen, when I...
When I say,
"Crazier than a barn full of clown pubes..."
...I'm not kink-shaming.
I'm not judging.
Clowns have as much right
to have a varied and experimental,
adventurous sex life.
I'm saying the source of the crazy
isn't the clown pubes.
It's the having the thought
and then the follow-through
of "I'm gonna fill this barn..."
"...with the p..."
I just want that to be clear.
That the source of the crazy is the barn.
The barn full of pubes
isn't even the crazy.
It was the act of filling the barn...
Listen, if you...
If you just filled a barn with pubes,
you've checked off the crazy box.
But this person went,
"I'm putting obstructions in my way."
"I will only collect the pub..."
Also, how do you... There's no way to know.
Clown pubes don't look different.
Like, they're not bright orange.
They're not rainbow-colored. Look.
Some are, but a lot...
There's a lot of... Listen.
There...
There's a lot of non-clown pubes
that are bright orange
and rainbow-colored.
That's not what I'm saying here.
What I'm saying is there's no way
that... Okay, this is what I'm saying.
Wait. Fuck.
Okay.
If you...
Like, okay, if you're walking around...
...and there's a barn,
and you open those two big doors,
there's a wall of pubes,
and you go, "Well, there's a maniac
roaming the countryside."
If someone said,
"Those are only clown pubes."
Like, "Oh! We gotta call
the National Guard."
Wait a minute. What?
'Cause there's no way to prove that.
Oh, okay, wait. You could do this.
Every time...
Every time that you collect...
Not... Not a...
Not a clump. That's gross.
Not a clump of... No.
Clump is too gross.
Thatch? No.
Thatch is too folksy.
That's... That's the other...
Like, if Cracker Barrel
opened a BDSM store,
they would call it the Thatch of Pubes.
That's what it would be called.
You'd go down to the Th...
It'd probably be connected
to the Cracker Barrel. You'd go in,
get a nice breakfast, then go, "Hang on.
I gotta pop into the Thatch of Pubes."
"Pay the bill.
I'll meet you at the front."
Thatch of Pu...
♪ Thatch of Pubes ♪
We...
♪ We've got nipple clamps
And scented lubes ♪
We've got
floggers, and paddles, and dildos. Oh my!
And a tower of butt plugs
that kisses the sky.
Tell 'em Petunia the pube pig sent ya.
Oink. All right. Um...
Handful. Handful of clown pubes. That's
non-gender specific.
Every time you collect
a handful of clown pubes,
you take a Polaroid.
You have a Polaroid,
so you're kneeling down.
You're collecting the pubes.
You got your baggy.
Gotta do it full length.
Get the whole clown in there.
He or she's gotta be in their wig,
their makeup,
holding that day's newspaper...
...so you know.
Then you take a hole-punch,
punch a hole through the Polaroid,
get a ribbon, put it through that hole,
tie the other end of the ribbon
to the... the... the handful of pubes,
toss it in the barn...
Every handful of pubes is accounted for.
There you go.
And that's how you would pro...
Fuck, no. No, you can't.
You know why?
No, that doesn't work,
because then someone can go,
"Technically, you didn't fill
the barn with pubes
because the ribbon
and the Polaroid took up..."
No, it has to be
complete confidence in the speaker
and total trust in the listener.
When you say I tho...
This is what's happening right now, okay?
We're starting this set out.
Let's go on a journey for the next hour.
I started off pretty strong, I think.
I think I've won your trust,
but you know what? You shouldn't 100%...
No. Not yet though.
Because what you've got...
Listen. What I've done, comedically,
creatively, I have opened the barn doors.
And there's a wall of pubes.
And yes, it's impressive,
but you're right to go, "You know what?"
"I bet that wall of pubes,
I bet that's a half an inch thick."
"And there's a big
sheet of plywood behind,
and the rest of the barn is empty."
"I've been screwed over too many..."
You're right to think that.
What I'm... This is what I'm doing.
As a comedian, I'm inviting you...
I'm saying I want you
to run as hard as you can
into this wall of pubes,
and then, I want you
to fight your way back,
just fight your way
to the back of the barn...
...until you're cocooned in pubes.
You know what I mean? At the back.
And when your hand hits that back wall,
you will think, "I met a man of honor."
That is what you will think.
That is what I want for us.
Not me, not you, us. All of us.
That's what I want.
Those are the kind of bits
I wrote during the shutdown.
I'd be awake for eight days in a row...
Five in the morning,
"The fucking Polaroid doesn't even work!"
Goddamn it!
I bought a trampoline.
Not a giant backyard...
One of those little workout ones.
Yeah. Little tiny trampoline.
It's called a rebounder. Awesome.
You get up on it. You hop up and down,
get the lymphatic system going,
"Here you go. Ooh.
Out, in. Forward, back. Ski it out."
Great workout.
Got it right at the beginning
of the pandemic.
"I'm gonna stay fit during this thing,
man. I got my new rebounder."
It came out of the box,
not a speck of dust on it.
Oh, I was so excited.
I could feel how excited
the rebounder was.
You could feel it. He was like, "I'm gonna
make a difference in this house."
"I belong here. I'm gonna change
things for the better."
I'm like, "That's right, little rebounder.
Wanna go inside the house?"
"You wanna go in the gym?"
He's like, "Yeah."
We have a gym in our house.
It's a room with an elliptical in it.
We call it a gym.
I take him inside. Oh, he's so excited.
I put him down.
"I'll see you tomorrow, little rebounder."
He goes, "Yeah."
We both looked over
at the elliptical.
Against the wall.
Clothes hanging off of it.
Covered in dust.
And I could feel
the rebounder's heart break.
I could feel his...
You know what it felt like?
It felt like the rookie cop
fresh out of the academy.
He's like, "Give me the worst precinct
in town. I'll turn it around!"
"I've got progressive policing techniques,
community outreach."
"I'll make a difference."
And he shows up that first day,
big thermos of green tea,
little keto lunch, he's all excited.
Looks over in the corner,
"Who's at his desk?"
The old homicide cop.
Eight bullet holes in him.
Eleven colostomy bags.
He's having
his seventh Viceroy of the morning.
That's the elliptical.
Looks at the little rookie rebounder,
"You're gonna learn, kid."
"You think I didn't have dreams
when I came here, huh?"
"I was top of the line!"
"You can stream movies on me,
TV shows, mountain programs, everything!"
"Oh! I was gonna turn
this house of fatties around."
"That guy that just dropped you off,
he was on me day one."
"Cute little workout outfit."
"Little iPhone.
He downloaded a bunch of podcasts on it."
"Ooh, a thinker!"
"He gets up on me,
stretch those little fat thighs,
pumping them up and down."
"Thought he was gonna go the distance."
"He didn't make it
past the first Blue Apron ad."
"Hopped off of me."
"Went and checked his texts
in the crapper."
"He never came back."
"Oh, he'll be here tomorrow."
"Oh, he'll be
in his little workout outfit."
"He'll probably put
a little playlist on his iPhone."
"Yeah."
"He's a Gen X-er in his fifties."
"I bet it'll be all early '80s
New Wave pop."
"That's how he's gonna get thin.
Nostalgia."
"He'll hop up on you,
start jumping up and down
like a gibbon full of Skittles."
"What'll be the first song he listens to?
I can call it right now."
"It'll be the Go-Go's
'Our Lips Are Sealed.'"
"That'll be the first song."
"And you'll be all excited.
'Oh, he's gonna go the full hour'"!
"He won't make it past the bridge."
"The minute Jane Wiedlin
starts singing, "Hush my darling,"
he'll hop off of you,
he'll check his texts in the crapper."
"He'll never come back."
"Extinguish all joy within you,
and nothing'll ever hurt you again."
I just pitched
the saddest Pixar movie in the...
If they do a movie
with the Safdie brothers,
that's gotta be their movie.
Harvey Keitel is the elliptical.
Timothée Chalamet is the rebounder.
And Frances McDormand
is the half-inflated exercise ball.
Went fucking crazy during the shutdown.
My rock-bottom, psychologically,
during the shutdown
happened on the same day
as my wife and daughter's.
We all hit crazy rock-bottom
at the same time.
Um, it was a weekday.
We're all in the house, staying inside.
Doing our part.
Stop the spread.
My daughter's in the kitchen,
and out of nowhere, she says,
"Hey, there's a weird guy
in our backyard."
What the fuck? I go running out, "What?"
Looking out, "I don't see anybody.
You saw someone?"
She goes, "Some weird guy
just walked across our backyard
and went around the back.
He's back there right now."
I'm like, "Oh shit!"
We have cameras all over the property.
I have an app on my phone. You click it
and can look at what the camera sees.
I'm waiting for it.
I'm gonna go back and confront him.
I just wanna know
what I'm about to deal with.
I don't know what's back there.
What if it's a lost hippie
wanting someone to hacky-sack with him?
"I'll hacky-sack with you."
Could be a maniac, nude, with a bucket
of chicken on his dick, holding a sword.
I don't know what's back...
I just wanna be ready.
But the cameras aren't loading,
and I'm waiting for it. Goddamn it.
And then my wife
pushes past us,
doesn't say anything
and goes striding across the back lawn.
She's got a white summer dress on
flowing in the wind, barefoot.
And she's holding a pink,
aluminum baseball bat.
And she has serious Manson girl energy
coming off of her, like...
"Look at that hot, hippie chick
that I wanna fuck and get murdered by."
"Yay."
So, she...
It takes me a second to realize what
she's doing, then I go clomping after her,
in my flip-flops and cargo pants,
but she's already around the corner
and she's already laying into this guy.
Before I can turn the corner,
I hear her screaming at him,
"Who the fuck are you?
Get the fuck out of my yard!"
"I will fuck you up."
So...
I...
I turned the corner.
She's in a stance.
Like Uma in Kill Bill, she's ready to go.
The guy she's yelling at,
little scruffy looking,
didn't look crazy, didn't look homeless,
holding a cell phone,
just looked a little off,
and she's screaming and yelling at him,
"What the fuck are you doing here?"
Now I'm gonna stop the story
and tell you what was actually happening.
There was something wrong
with our air conditioner. I...
I called our contractor
and said, "Can you send someone
to the house to fix the AC?"
Without telling us,
he gave this guy our address
and gate code and sent him to the house.
So yes, massive misunderstanding.
My wife is now screaming at him,
and she's just fucking...
Just blazing Valkyrie,
shrieking at the top of her lungs
at this guy, "Who the fuck are you?"
Now, to his discredit...
...when there is a blazing-eyed Valkyrie
holding a vagina-colored piece of metal...
...threatening to kill you,
answer in short, declarative sentences.
This guy...
This guy was going,
"Who's anybody really, man? Like..."
"Every day was...
Oh, the wheel in the sky..."
Oh, goddamn it.
Now she's got both hands on the bat.
She's gonna swing on the guy.
And then he looks at me.
And when he looks at me,
that's when he gets scared.
He started saying, "My name is Michael.
Your guy Steve sent me here to figure..."
And my wife's like, "Oh my God,
he didn't tell us. I'm so sorry."
"Oh my God, I'm gonna call him right now."
"I'm... This was...
This really got off on the wrong foot."
"How about you leave..."
The guy was more than happy to leave.
I'm sure he was driving home going,
"That poor bastard. Oh my God."
"I'm sure the sex is amazing but..."
Um...
A lot of you hear the story and go,
"That's not very manly of you."
"You let your wife...
God knows what could've happened!"
I argue the opposite.
I say that our timing and placement
made us a more effective
home invasion deterrent.
'Cause remember he never got scared
when she was screaming at him?
He just kept going, "I..."
You know why?
He couldn't process what he was seeing.
Gorgeous Valkyrie,
vagina-colored metal, screaming.
Too much. Too fucking much.
Couldn't process it.
And also, again,
the energy she's giving off is
outer-space sex vixen about to murder you.
Can't process it.
You know what he could process?
Me.
Standing five feet behind her,
'cause the energy I was giving off was,
"I can't do nothing
when she gets like this."
"I... I tried to get her
to go to the nervous hospital, see?"
"She said she'd burn the house down."
"She's killed
so many Amazon delivery drivers."
"I can't dig no more holes in the desert.
Please just run!"
I'm doing some poses that we can freeze
for the Netflix save screen. A little...
There's gotta be...
What if I did... What if I use...
Here's what I'm gonna do.
Watch. Like this.
Now, look. That's...
That's not a bit in the special,
but if you're watching Netflix,
and that "coming up next," you're like,
"Let's watch a minute of that."
Like, "What the fuck is this?"
I'm vaxxed and boosted.
Yes, I am. Thank you. It shouldn't...
Thank you. But...
That... Look.
Thank you. It's also sad that gets
applause at this point, isn't it?
You get applause for taking
the most basic care of your health?
That's like me going,
"Folks, I wipe after I shit. Thank..." No.
No, no.
People. No.
I'm no... I'm no hero now.
It's the lumberjacks
who cut down the trees
that make the toilet...
Those are the heroes.
Yeah!
I assume there's a lumberjack here.
All right, um...
Or a really enthusiastic wiper.
Um...
I got my vax right when the vax came out.
Immediately.
I didn't jump the line.
I didn't use my privilege, but...
I acted on some inside information,
and I feel bad about this.
This is how I did it. Uh...
Right when the vaccine came out,
I have a friend, lives out in Riverside.
And he calls me and says, "I don't
know if I should tell you this, but,
uh, out where I'm living,
it's MAGA country."
"No one is getting the vaccine."
"There's a Rite Aid near me,
a woman sitting at a table."
"Everyone that walks in she asks
if they want it. No one will get it."
"They're throwing crates of this shit
out the back."
"If you drive out here,
you will get a shot."
"Don't even make an appointment."
So I drove out there.
I walk in. There's a woman at a table.
I go, "Hi, excuse me.
I'd like to get a vaccine."
She was like, "You would?"
Like, she had no...
She had run out of Tolkien novels to read.
Like, "Yeah. Let me get you set up."
Like, "Go stand over there."
While I'm waiting, my friend was right,
everyone that walked in,
"Would you like a vaccine?"
"No, thank you."
And one guy gave her a, uh...
"Yeah, no thanks."
Like, "Yeah, nice try, Deep State.
I think I'm gonna, uh..."
"I think I'm gonna stay tracker-free
for the time being if that's all right."
"Hang on. Yeah.
I'm at the Rite Aid again. Yeah."
"They tried to get a fucking track...
Hang on. I'm losing you."
"There you are. Yeah, no.
I'm off the grid, man. That's..."
"Right. I'll call you later."
Got my shot. Got my second shot,
then boosted twice. I'm fucking fine.
In 1955,
the polio vaccine came out.
1955.
We were two years away
from satellites.
There were no satellites!
And America could not have been
more backward, racist,
homophobic, sexist,
and these non-satellite-having,
racist dipshits
lined the fuck up
to get their fucking vaccine!
What the fuck!
"Give me that shot. I can't police
these water fountains from a wheelchair."
"I can't beat up queers
inside an iron lung! Give me my science!"
"What am I, a caveman?"
Now
it's the year 2022,
which, first off,
doesn't sound like a real year, does it?
Doesn't that sound made up?
Like you're watching a cheap
science-fiction film, "In the year 2022..."
"Oh, you're just
throwing numbers together. Jesus!"
"Who wrote this shit?"
It's 2022.
We have robots on Mars.
They send us TikTok videos.
Half of the country's like, "That needle's
got witch poison in it, I tells ya."
"You ain't putting no witch poison in me."
"Keep your wizard jab away from me."
"I got to watch the video
that the Mars robot
sent to the world brain
I keep it in my pocket."
"But keep all that science away from me."
If that attitude had existed in 1955,
the government would have had to do
one of those PSAs,
like a little cartoon dancing,
hypodermic needle coming out, you know.
"Who do I gotta blow to cure polio?"
Like little...
Yes.
That's right, jabby.
Tell everyone about your benefits.
"My benefits? Your fucking legs work.
How's that for a benefit?"
"You medieval shitheads."
It's a different world now, man.
It's a different world. Isn't it?
Cruise ships? Oh, you'll never see
a cruise ship again. Kiss that goodbye.
Our grandkids won't know what a buffet is.
Oh.
Fuck, Covid changed everything.
First off, every cruise ship
is booked up to the year 2026.
People cannot wait
to get aboard the plague barge
and sail the bounding main.
"Oh, let me die near a water slide!"
Not only are buffets gonna come back,
they're gonna come back
with this weird, own-the-libs vengeance.
Every one of them's gonna have an agenda.
"Come on down to Captain Covid's
Alpha Males Only buffet!"
"You the kind of left-wing soy boy
that needs a sneeze guard
over your clam chowder,
or are you able to fuck your wife?"
"Then come on down to Captain Covid's..."
"You show us proof
you ain't been vaccinated,
you get a free platter
of room-temperature scallops."
"That's right."
Oh...
I was listening to '70s on 7
on the way here.
Yeah, on my XM Sirius satellite dial.
You like '70s music?
You hit number seven.
All the '70s music you can have,
'70s on 7.
You like '80s music?
You hit number eight.
'80s on 8.
Do you like '90s music?
Guess what you hit. Number nine!
Do you like '40s music?
Well, you don't hit number four.
You used to, '40s on 4.
Now, channel 71.
'40s Junction.
You like '50s music?
Well, it's channel 72.
'50s Gold.
You like '60s music?
Seventy-three, '60s Gold.
Why did those three channels get moved
to the outer rim
of the XM Sirius universe?
I will tell you why.
Their listeners are dying.
'40s, '50s, '60s.
Those listeners are dropping like...
The fucking '40s channel
has five listeners left.
Three World War II veterans
and a couple of contrarian hipsters.
That's it.
That's all that's left.
"You know who's punk rock?
Artie Shaw." Fuck off.
And we can laugh and enjoy it,
but hey, during our lifetimes,
'70s, '80s, '90s
will go marching up the dial.
That's how you can track
how the generations are dying,
by where they're putting the stations.
Keep the '70s, '80s, '90s easy.
I hope when they do that,
that they take a little time and give
some consideration to the names
the way they did for the '40s channel,
'40s Junction, train station, evocative.
I get it. Picture in my head.
And then they just gave up.
'50s Gold, '60s... Ah, who care... What?
You couldn't do
"Poodle Skirts and Milkshakes"?
You couldn't do "Patchouli Oil
and Love Beads," or whatever?
Give the '70s channel a name
emblematic of the decade.
You know,
"Your Mother and I Are Separating Radio."
How about that? That's good. Sure.
Yeah.
"Giant Candles Everywhere
For Some Reason Tunes."
The '80s could be "Trapper Keeper Tunes."
And then the '90s channel
could just be...
I don't know...
That was Abra Moore's
"Four-Leaf Clover" on...
Hi. Do you live here in Denver, ma'am?
- I live in Colorado Springs.
- You live in Colorado Springs?
- Nice. Thank you for making the drive.
- No problem.
Okay. What do you...
Okay, glad I got that straight.
It wasn't a problem.
Thank God. Okay.
Guys, it wasn't a problem. It's cool.
Do you work in Colorado Springs?
- What do you do?
- I'm a doctor.
You're a doctor.
Oh my God, a brainiac. All right, um...
What kind of medicine do you practice?
I'm a pediatric neurologist.
Pediatric neurologist.
Oh my God!
You're like...
You are serving your community.
You are helping children.
You have a positive job
that you have a positive attitude towards.
This is comedy death.
I need to get off of you right now.
There's nothing here.
I need to talk to a meth cook
or a divorcee. This is...
"I help children live."
All right. Shit.
Is this, uh... Are you with her?
You guys together? Is this the hubby?
- The husband.
- The husband. What do you do, sir?
- I'm a lawyer.
- You're a lawyer?
Ah...
Finally.
Some evil.
Oh God, if it's some kind of positive
community outreach law, I'm gonna fucking...
What kind of law do you practice, sir?
I prosecute juvenile sex crimes.
You prosecute juvenile sex offenders.
Well...
When you say juvenile sex offenders,
do you mean people
who commit sex offenses against juveniles,
or juveniles who are sex offenders?
Juveniles who are sex offenders.
Juveniles who are sex offenders.
Gotta be very careful with the phrasing.
And when you say...
And then what happens? Like, they get...
Why am I...? What is this, a...? I gotta...
Me sitting down
was good for that one laugh.
I'm not gonna do the rest of my show
like, "So what do you do?"
What the hell am I doing?
You are prosecuting
the juvenile sex offenders.
Okay.
And you are a neurological pediatrician.
So a kid whose brain maybe
isn't working correctly, you help fix it.
And the ones you can't fix,
he puts away, right?
Is that how...
There we go.
There's your next Marvel team-up.
All right.
So...
That was cute and dark
at the same time.
Rare to find that.
It's like a goth girl holding a kitten.
All right.
How about you? Do you live here in Denver?
- I do.
- You do? What do you do in Denver?
Uh, I work in a bar and I'm a student.
You work in a bar and you're a student.
Oh, it's a 1980s Tom Hanks movie.
All right.
So...
- What are you studying right now?
- Uh, cybersecurity.
Cybersecurity.
And then, by day, he patrols the Internet.
At night, it's Slippery Nipples
for secretaries, right?
What, uh... So you're a bartender,
and so do you want to eventually work
in cybersecurity? Obviously.
- Yeah.
- And the bartending's paying the bills.
Paying for you to learn. What is the...
What's the scariest thing
you've learned so far
in terms of cybersecurity?
How close are we to some huge hack attack
where suddenly the ATMs don't work
and all of our porn searches
are on the internet?
When does that happen?
Um...
- Pretty much nothing is private.
- Pretty much nothing is private.
Well, we all know that at this point.
That's not...
Oh my God, have you ever...
Okay, when you were growing up,
was there, like, some asshole
that bullied you or was really shitty,
and now that you're learning
your cybersecurity skills,
you could go digging
into this person's life
and just dis-fucking-mantle it
if you wanted to?
Has that temptation
ever crossed your head?
- Pretty frequently.
- Have you... Oh!
Have you done searches
of old bullies' names and stuff like that?
I've... I've chosen not to.
You've chosen not to.
That is a very lawyerly response.
That was... Did you catch that?
Oh, man.
Is this the wife or girlfriend?
- Uh, yes.
- Which one?
- Girlfriend.
- Girlfriend! Oh!
And what do you do?
- I'm an educator.
- You're an educator.
And what do you... Thank you.
Wow.
What, uh... What do you...
What areas do you educate in?
I help high schoolers, um,
access free college credit.
Help high schoolers
access free college credit.
Does the... That's cool.
Does the, um...
Does the sleeve tattoo help break the ice
when they're like, "She's cool"?
- "She's all right."
- Yep.
- That must help.
- It does, yeah.
Do you go in
with the sleeve tattoo visible?
- Or do they make you wear a long sleeve?
- I bust it all out.
You bust it all out, sit there...
"Let's get you some fucking credit
while you look at The Gashlycrumb Tinies
right there, man. There you go."
You got some ink too.
How long you been going out?
- Three years.
- Four. Three or four years.
Three or four years.
Mmm.
Some cybersecurity,
if you know what I'm saying.
Ah, come on, people. Um...
Are you... Do you live together?
Oh, nice!
Are you gonna... She looks awesome in...
And then he can get you, like,
free credit card shit and everything.
I mean, come on.
It's a match made in heaven.
Make it happen.
Couldn't he use his cybersecurity
to get kids free college credit?
Change their grades,
get them into Harvard.
There's another fucking team-up.
All right.
I have two superhero teams
in the front row.
Oh, hello sir.
Shorts in the front row. Ballsy.
That's it. You have way more
self-confidence than I will ever have.
Do you live here in Denver?
- I do.
- And what do you do in Denver?
I work in Boulder, actually.
You work in Boulder.
Live in Denver, work in Boulder.
What do you do in Boulder?
I work for a grocery store.
You work for a grocery store.
With that facial hair?
They're cool with that or...?
What... I'm not gonna ask
what grocery store. That's weird.
I bet you can figure it out.
Probably could. Hang on. What is
your specific job at the grocery store?
I'm a manager.
You're a manager at the grocery store.
Do you manage the whole store
or one department?
Um...
Yeah.
- Yeah, part of it. Yeah.
- Part of it.
The liquor section?
What part do you, um...?
You seem amazed
at hearing that you're working
at a grocery store coming out of you.
"I work at a grocery store! I..."
And, uh, who are you here with?
Is this your friend?
There's your friend.
And where do you work?
- Uh, I work from home.
- You work from home.
- In sales.
- In sales.
- I sell light bulbs.
- You sell light bulbs.
Are you asking me?
You seem to be like, "I sell light..."
You're answering my questions
like I'm a homicide cop.
You're like, "I-I sell light bulbs?"
Like, it's not...
You sell light bulbs from your home.
I'm a lighting salesman.
You're a lighting salesman,
so you stay in your house.
You call people up
or get on the internet with them?
- On the internet.
- On the internet.
- And you try to sell them light bulbs.
- Absolutely.
Individuals or corporations?
- Both.
- Both.
That's so fucking weird.
I just... I don't know how...
So you get on Zoom calls with them,
and go, "Really quick,
turn on all your lights."
"It's pretty shitty, huh?"
"Well, I've got a solution for you."
You're not far.
That's so fucking interesting.
Okay. You two are delightful,
and you are not a superhero team.
I'm sorry.
That is...
I don't know what the hell you are.
There's a guy who works at a Trader...
Doesn't quite know what he does there.
Another guy gets on Zoom calls
and sells light bulbs.
I think you have a weird OnlyFans.
You're just covering for it now.
You don't really sell light bulbs.
- It's the DC Universe.
- Oh, DC Universe. Very... Oh...
I'll do the nerd shit, my friend.
All right.
Don't you dare!
That was a fun front row.
Give them a round of applause.
Thank you, guys. Wow.
I love the flow of that.
You know, doctor, lawyer,
cybersecurity, educator,
sort of groceries, light bulbs, I guess.
I don't know.
Perfectly paced.
You know what doesn't age well?
Woke.
It really doesn't.
I'm woke, I think.
But you know what? I won't be someday,
and so will all of you.
Be woke. Be open-minded.
Just don't pat yourself on the back,
'cause it'll bite you in the ass.
Everyone getting cancelled now
for not being woke
was woke about something,
they just couldn't keep up with progress.
Progress will always
fucking steamroller you.
I'm very pro-trans, very pro-gay marriage,
gay rights, and pro-abor...
No, no, no. No. No.
That's not... What I'm saying is
that is going to blow up
in my face someday.
I'll be doing comedy when I'm 70,
and I will let slip something
that I won't be able to keep up with.
I'll be like, "I don't think people
should fuck their clones."
"Boo!" There'll be some weird, like...
"No wait, I'm pro-trans."
"Fuck you, clone hater!"
"No, I'm totally progressive!"
#Stopclonehate, then I gotta...
Then I'll double down.
"When I grew up, you didn't jerk off
in a test tube
and fuck whatever came out of it!
If that makes me the bad guy, I'm sorry!"
"Boo!"
By the way, that's how you know
if you're a...
uh, if you're an oppressed minority,
or, you know, a fringe group
that used to be shit on,
and now you know that you've made it
when straight, white people
start asking you if jokes are okay.
That's when you know...
The trans community really broke through
because all of a sudden, straight,
white people'll be like, "Is this okay?"
"Does this joke work? Is that okay?"
You know.
But either way, that means in the future,
straight, white people
are gonna be the minority,
then they're gonna have assholes like,
"Hey, I'm doing a joke
about a straight, white dude, and, um,
I have him bowling. Is that okay?
You guys bowl, right? Like that's..."
"It's not offensive?"
"He's listening to Limp Bizkit,
'ironically, ' okay?"
"It's ironic. I'm doing it ironically."
Goddamn, these last six years. Holy shit.
I was in such a panic in 2016,
then all the subsequent years,
"What the hell's going on? Oh my God.
Is America coming to an end?"
No. You know what?
It isn't. It's bad right now,
but everything that's happening
is supposed to be happening right now.
Do you know what 2016 was?
It was the boomers' last temper tantrum.
That's what that was.
The boomers' last temper tantrum.
Every time a generation gets old,
they panic
because death is scary and gross,
and they put someone shitty
in the White House before they go.
This has happened before.
The greatest generation...
The greatest generation,
oh my God, fought the Nazis,
saved the world from tyranny,
came back, built the suburbs,
raised the baby boomers,
then they started getting old.
Hair turned gray,
dick didn't work anymore,
hemorrhoids and hysterectomies.
They panicked.
Now it's the late '70s.
Punk music, they don't know
what's going on. "Fuck this."
"Put the old cowboy movie actor
in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!"
"I was here, goddamn it!"
Then the baby boomers grew up.
Think of the baby boomers.
They were on the cutting edge of sex,
rock and roll, rebellion...
They owned youth,
and then they got fucking old.
And their hair got gray,
and their dick stopped working,
hemorrhoids and hysterectomies,
fucking Gen X and Gen Z
making fun of them on Twitter and TikTok.
All this hip-hop music
they don't understand.
Now they're, "Oh my God, I'm about to die.
What the fuck is going on?"
"Put the racist game show host
in the White House. Yeah, fuck you!"
"I was here!"
I'm Gen X.
Well, our temper tantrum
is going to be beyond ugly.
When we start getting old, our dicks
stop working, our hair goes gray,
God knows who we're gonna put
in the White House.
It's gonna be either Eddie Vedder
or Janeane Garofalo. One of those two.
I don't know.
Look.
I love those guys.
Janeane would be a horrible president.
I've known her since the '90s. I love her.
She would tell you that herself.
Janeane, you should be president.
"I'm not doing that shit."
Oh my God, wait a minute.
That's how she'll win.
Think of how Gen X thinks. Like,
"That's exactly the attitude we need."
That's perfect.
"No, I'm serious. I'm not doing it."
Yeah, we know, yes.
She'll blow off a debate.
She won't campaign.
She won't show up to her own inauguration.
Yes, that'll be awesome.
We'll love her even more. CNN will have
a ticker on the bottom of the screen,
like, "Day 312
of the president not showing up."
It'll cut to her in some coffee shop.
"I told you I wasn't gonna run."
And then we'll die,
and we won't be here to see what Gen Z
puts in the White House.
President Logan Paul.
I don't... Look. I don't know.
President Joe Rogan.
He would...
People, listen to me. I've also...
I've known Joe since the '90s.
He is a sweet guy.
He has gone off the rails.
You know why?
'Cause someone gave him
a hundred million dollars.
That would drive anybody... He's actually
handling it better than I would.
If I had a fucking podcast
about knitting
and someone gave me a hundred million,
I would fuck yarn on my podcast!
And Joe would be like,
"Patton went fucking nuts. Oh my God."
Aging isn't bad
if you don't take it personally.
That's the key, you know.
Treat it like it's a...
Pretend you're Jeff Goldblum
in The Fly,
and you're watching all this weird shit
happen. You're like, "Oh my!"
Get a leather-bound notebook.
Take notes, you know, late at night, like...
"Oh. My farts smell like old books."
"That's... Hmm."
"But I'm not eating old books. This..."
"This calls for further examination."
"Day 17. Takes longer to stop peeing
than it does to pee."
It's coming for all of us.
I'm gonna leave you
with this story about my, uh...
Another breakdown that I had.
Foot, all of it, it's all coming apart.
But you know what?
We're living in the 21st century
and it's okay.
Always keep that in mind.
Last year, last November,
I had to have some
minor surgery, right?
And I'm gonna tell you the story.
I'm gonna use a little AP English zhoosh
to keep it from being horrifying,
'cause it is.
I had to have some minor surgery,
the kind of surgery that,
um, I'll put it this way,
men my age who sit down a lot
have to have.
See where I'm going?
So... And I'm worried. Still Covid.
"Oh my God, what if I get an infection?"
But I forgot
I live in the 21st century.
I have all these advantages
in the plus column.
On the day of the operation,
I summoned a car with my phone.
The car came. The guy was masked.
I was masked.
Car was clean, took me to the hospital.
Doctor met me, showed me
all the cleanliness protocols they had.
He said, "This surgery, we've refined it."
"It only takes an hour.
You'll be out for an hour."
"You'll go home today."
He put me under. I wake up an hour later.
Oh my God, I'm fine.
He goes, "You are fine."
"Here are some cutting-edge painkillers
to help you with your recovery."
"You won't feel a thing."
"Now take out your phone
and summon another car."
"You live in the 21st century."
And I did, and the car took me home.
And when I got home, I had a device
onto which I could call, from the air,
movies, books, television shows, music
to entertain me while I recovered.
Twenty-first century.
When I left the hospital,
the doctor said,
"There's a certain bodily function,
that you're used to doing every day."
"And for the next few days,
you're not gonna do it."
"And then, after three or four days,
all of a sudden,
you will do it."
"But the first time you do it,
it will be doing you."
"There's no shame in it."
"It's gonna happen, part of the recovery."
"Go heal in peace."
I go home.
First day, I watch movies.
I read books on my iPad.
I go to sleep.
Nothing happens.
Next day, watch movies,
read books on my iPad, go to sleep.
Nothing happens.
Third day,
watch movies,
read books on my iPad,
go to sleep.
3:30 in the morning.
It happens.
But I wake up as it's happening
and I can feel it coming.
I'm half a second ahead of it.
Oh my goodness,
it's not gonna be a disaster.
I hop out of bed. Everything's okay.
I make it across the bedroom floor.
I get into the bathroom.
I'm ten feet away from the toilet.
I'm gonna make it.
Boom! No.
I had managed to get my underwear
and sweatpants off.
Which made things ten times worse.
Because now,
our pristine white-tile bathroom...
...was
decorated for autumn.
How about that, huh? Yeah.
Happy Thanksgiving.
So...
I'm standing there
going, "Oh my God, I've got two choices.
I can either clean myself off,
or risk my wife coming in
and seeing this disaster,
which she doesn't deserve."
So, I do the second choice.
I clean up everything first.
I get a bunch of towels.
I get everything all cleaned up
in a big, gross wad.
I gotta take off all my clothes,
including my shirt. I'd ruined my shirt.
Physics.
So...
Take the whole wad
down to the... And I'm nude now.
Go down to the kitchen
with this big wad of horror,
take the bag out of the can,
put this in the bag.
Now, four in the morning,
I gotta walk to the end of my driveway
where the trash cans are.
Get the thing open. Drop it.
And I just stand there.
Nude.
4:00 in the morning.
And I just
looked at the moon.
Like, hours ago,
I was in the 21st century...
...with access to cutting-edge technology,
medicine, transportation.
And now,
just a mere couple of hours later,
I had been revealed
as the naked ape I always was.
The naked,
shit-covered ape
that's inside all of us.
And I actually had
a weird moment of peace,
'cause it was so awful,
and I'm just like, "You know what?
I'm actually as far away
from the 21st century
as I could possibly be right now."
"I'm actually closer
to my Neanderthal forebears."
"There's something
weirdly cleansing about this."
And I had that feeling
for, like, ten seconds.
That's when I remembered all my neighbors
have ring cameras on their doors.
So everybody got
their Christmas card that year.
Thank you so much, Denver!
Thank you!
Thank you, guys. Thank you!
Thank all of you.
Thank you!
♪ Place the gun to my heart ♪
♪ I don't care 'cause Friday I'm in love ♪
♪ We had a plan, don't make it weird ♪
♪ What I like, baby, it ain't clear ♪
♪ So close ♪
♪ I'm looking for a place to breathe ♪
♪ So close ♪
♪ Drain me of my everything ♪
♪ Don't go ♪
♪ I wanna, wanna trust you ♪
♪ Don't go ♪
♪ Don't go ♪
♪ All the cities that we burned down ♪
♪ Turns out I'm very hard to kill ♪
♪ After all the damage we've done ♪
♪ Turns out I'm very hard to kill ♪
♪ Birthday cards at the corner store ♪
♪ You grabbed a box of Slims
And said, "I want more" ♪
♪ You're so cool, you hate yourself ♪
♪ Lying on the floor
In a stranger's house ♪
♪ So close ♪
♪ I'm looking for a place to... ♪