Patrice O'Neal: Elephant in the Room (2011) - full transcript
Elephant In The Room, filmed at the acclaimed Montreal Comedy Festival, is Patrice's first full-length special.
*
- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I'M THANKING ONE
IN PARTICULAR.
BAD TITTIES
IN THE FRONT ROW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU,
AUDIENCE COORDINATOR,
FOR PUTTING THOSE TITTIES
UP IN THE FRONT ROW.
GOD BLESS YOU.
THOSE ARE DISTRACTING ME.
I WAS S'POSED TO COME OUT,
"OH, HEY, HELLO."
HENH.
MEH.
MEH, MEH.
MEH, YEAH.
OH, Y'ALL HERE?
YEH, HUH, MEH.
YOU LOOK LOVELY, THOUGH,
BY THE WAY.
YES, YOU DO.
YES, YOU DO.
CONGRATULATIONS, MY FRIEND.
I'M GLAD Y'ALL HERE.
IT'S VERY GOOD.
YO, CONGRATULATIONS
TO YOU, MY FRIEND.
LOOK AT THAT WHITE WOMAN
YOU'RE WITH.
GOD DAMN!
THAT NIGGA BEHIND YOU
GOING, "YEAH, SON,
I'M WIT' MY GIRL,
BUT YO, FOR REAL?"
THAT WHITE WOMAN'S AMAZING,
ISN'T SHE?
TELL THE TRUTH!
HE'S WIT'
HIS BLACK GIRLFRIEND,
LIKE, "NAW, I DON'T--
I DON'T KNOW."
BUT THAT,
SHE'S HIGH LEVEL.
THAT'S A HIGH LEVEL
WHITE WOMAN RIGHT THERE.
THAT WHITE WOMAN IS--
THAT IS--
MAN, OH, MAN, OH, MAN!
BLACK WOMAN GET MAD
AT THAT.
BUT THAT IS TOP SHELF
WHITE WOMAN RIGHT THERE.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN TELL
HOW PRETTY
A WHITE WOMAN IS?
THE VALUE?
YOU LOOK AT HER,
AND THEN YOU WONDER HOW LONG
THEY WOULD LOOK FOR HER
IF SHE WAS MISSING.
COME ON, TAKE A LOOK.
TAKE A LOOK.
LOOK AT THIS NIGGA LOOKIN'.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK!
OO-OOOOO.
I SAW YOU LOOK MAD, SWEETIE.
HOW LONG,
IF YOU WAS MISSIN',
HOW LONG YOU THINK
THEY WOULD--
HOW LONG YOU THINK--
EXAC--
SHE DON'T EVEN--
SHE WENT--
YOU KNOW THE DEAL.
I AIN'T SAYING
NOTHIN' WRONG.
WHITE WOMAN'S LIFE
IS VALUABLE.
WHAT'S HIS NAME,
JORAN VAN DER SLOOT?
RIGHT?
WE FOUND OUT HE WAS
A SERIAL KILL--
MAN, HE KILLS WOMEN.
THAT'S WHAT HE DO.
HE DO IT WELL,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WE KNOW THE GIRL
THAT HE--
THAT HE, YOU KNOW,
SUPPOSEDLY HAD, UH--
WHAT'S THE GIRL
IN ARUBA?
NATALEE HOLLOWAY.
RIGHT?
BUT THE ONE--
HE JUST KILLED A GIRL IN PERU.
WHAT'S HER NAME?
UM...
EXACTLY.
LOOK HOW FAST
YOU SAID NATALEE.
YOU SAID NATALEE!
* NATALEE-E-E
* HOLLOWA-A-A-AY
* THAT ANGELLLL
Y'ALL SAID THAT
LIKE FAMILY FEUD.
A'IGHT, NAME A WHITE GIRL
BEEN MISSING
FOR FIVE YEARS
IN ARUBA.
FF--NATALEE HOLLOWAY!
SURVEY SAYS...
NAME A PERUVIAN GIRL
THAT WAS KILLED YESTERDAY.
WHAT IS THAT BIG-HEAD,
THIRD WORLD
PERUVIAN BITCH'S NAME?
HAS TO BE YORRIS
OR SOMETHING GOOFY.
DON'T GET MAD
AT YOURSELF.
I GAVE IT TO YOU.
YOU SAW HOW FAST
SHE SAID NATALEE HOLLOWAY.
DIANA ROSS RIGHT HERE
SAID NAT--
SHE KNEW HER NAME!
HA!
"THAT WHITE GIRL
WAS NATALEE HOLLOWAY!"
MAN, YOU CAUGHT YOURSELF
A WHOO!
GOD BLESS YOU, MAN.
THAT IS HIGH LEVEL,
RIGHT THERE.
DON'T BE ASHAMED
OF IT, GORGEOUS.
SHE MAD AS HELL.
"FUCK THAT WHITE BITCH.
NUH, NUH, NUH."
YOU KNOW--COME ON.
COME ON.
AIN'T NOBODY LOOKIN'
FOR YOU.
I MIGHT LOOK FOR YA.
BUT THE NEWS AIN'T.
YOU--
YOU THINK FOX
IS REPORTING YOU MISSING?
LET'S BE HONEST.
NANCY GRACE?
SHE LEAD STORY
ON NANCY GRACE
FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS.
LOOK AT 'ER.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
I'M LOOKIN' AT HER
'CAUSE SHE MAD AS HELL.
BLACK WOMAN DON'T LIKE
THAT SHIT.
BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS.
LET'S BE--
AIN'T GOTTA BE LIKE THAT.
LET'S JUST--
LET'S BE HONEST.
THAT LITTLE GIRL
THAT WENT MISSING, UM--
SHE WAS SAILING?
LITTLE GIRL THAT WENT SAILING,
OH, FORGOT HER DAMN NAME.
BUT SHE WENT SAILING
AND WENT MISSIN'
IN THE INDIAN OCEAN, OKAY?
AND THEY SPENT...
GOOD LORD.
HER MAST BROKE,
AND SHE WAS FLOATIN' AROUND.
AND SHE GAVE OUT
HER LITTLE SIGNAL,
HER BEACON.
THEY LOOKED FOR HER--
THEY SPENT $500,000,
LIKE, TAX MONEY,
TO SEARCH FOR HER.
NOW, IF THAT'S
MY DAUGHTER,
I WANT THAT
TO HAPPEN TOO.
BUT--BUT...
IF YOU GO SAILING...
LET'S BE HONEST,
HOW LONG YOU THINK--
ARE THEY GONNA SPEND FIVE--
COME ON.
REMEMBER--
HEY, REMEMBER
FOOTBALL PLAYERS IN MIAMI
WENT MISSING?
THEY WENT SAILING.
THEY LOOKED FOR THEM
FOR EIGHT MINUTES.
MAYBE.
THEY JUST SENT SOMEBODY
AT THE EDGE OF THE BEACH.
"I DON'T--
"I DON'T SEE 'EM.
"WE HAVE TO CALL OFF
THE SEARCH
"'CAUSE THERE'S
TOO MUCH SUN.
"UH, THIS SUN,
"THE CONDITIONS
ARE ABNORMALLY...
DIFFICULT."
IF I GO SAILING,
I'M TAKING A WHITE BABY
ON A KEYCHAIN
WITH ME.
HA, HA!
IF MY BOAT GO DOWN,
THEY GON' FIND ME.
I'MA HAVE IT HOOKED
RIGHT TO THE SIDE
OF MY BELT.
AND I'MA DRESS THE BABY
REAL WHITE TOO.
I'MA, UH, PUT SWEATPANTS
ON IT
AND A PAIR OF UGG BOOTS,
AND I'MA TAKE A PICTURE.
LOOK AT THIS WHITE BABY.
YOU DON'T COME GET ME,
THIS WHITE BABY
GOIN' DOWN WITH ME.
I HATE HOW MUCH FUN
BLACK PEOPLE CAN HAVE
RACIALLY, MAN.
IT'S JUST--
I CAN SAY ANYTHING
I GODDAMN WANT, RACIALLY.
AND WHITE PEOPLE
HAVE TO SIT THERE AND TAKE IT.
"YEAH, OH,
I AM EVIL, YES."
SEE, IT'S LIKE,
COME ON, MAN.
I-I DON'T EVEN SAY IT
'CAUSE OF THAT.
I, LIKE--
I-I-I LOVE--
I LOVE A LITTLE RACIAL--
LOOK, MAN, YOU KNOW.
LET'S BE FAIR.
I MEAN--
HONESTY'D BE NICER
WITH THE RACIAL GAME.
I MEAN, IT--IT--IT--
I LIKE TO ST--HO--
YOU KNOW, WHITE PEOPLE
ABOUT BEING HONEST
ABOUT, UH, OBAMA.
YOU GAVE IT A SHOT.
YOU DID.
YOU GAVE IT A TWO-YEAR SHOT.
LIKE, "OH, YEAH, I TRIED.
I TRIED TO--
WE TRIED TO--"
BUT YOU--
IT'S NOT--
IT'S NOT--IT'S JUST F--
IT FELL APART.
IT REALLY--
IT REALLY DID.
AND I'MA TELL YOU SOMETHING
YOU DON'T KNOW
ABOUT BLACK FOLKS.
WE WOULD BE ON YOUR SIDE,
UH, YOU KNOW,
TALKIN' TO WHITE PEOPLE.
WE WOULD BE ON YOUR SIDE
A LOT MORE
IF YOU WOULD, UH,
YOU KNOW,
JUST NOT EVER TALK
ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL
ABOUT ANYTHING RACIAL.
WE'LL CATCH UP TO YOU.
NOW, SERIOUS.
'CAUSE BLACK PEOPLE
ON THE EDGE
OF GOING, "WHAT THE FUCK
IS OBAMA DOING?"
BUT IT'S TOO MANY
WHITE PEOPLE
OUTWARDLY HATING HIM,
SO WE CAN'T.
WE GO,
"IF YOU SHUT THE FUCK--
IF YOU SHUT UP,
I'LL BE YOUR GANGSTA."
I'M LIKE, "STOP--
STOP HAVING RALLIES
AND ALL KINDS OF STUFF."
I'M TELLING YOU,
I'M THIS CLOSE TO--
I'M MAD AT HIM
'CAUSE I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE
A WHITE SLAVE BY NOW.
I THOUGHT--
I THOUGHT IT WAS
VENGEANCE DAY.
THOUGHT I'D HAVE ME
A WHITE FAMILY.
BIG OL' FAT WHITE GIRL
GON' WARM MY BED UP.
"GET UPSTAIRS, SUSAN.
"WARM MY BED UP.
"FEED MY BABY
WIT' YOUR GIANT WHITE TITTIES.
"AND I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE
"AND STARE YOUR HUSBAND
IN THE FACE
AND DECIDE WHETHER I'M GONNA
SELL HIM OR NOT."
"NOW, YOU KNOW
YOUR WIFE'S UPSTAIRS,
"WARMIN' UP MY BED.
"YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
PH--PH--PHILLIP."
THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE,
ISN'T IT?
THAT'S UNCOM--
THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.
I APOLOGIZE.
THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.
CAN'T WE MOVE ON?
WE'LL MOVE ON.
WE'LL MOVE ON TO SOMETHIN'.
THEY DON'T EVEN LIKE THAT
IN PLAY.
THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE, RIGHT?
TO THINK ABOUT THAT?
BUT YOU KNOW.
WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
I LIKE HAVIN'--
LOOK, DAY--
MY DAYS ARE NUMBERED.
SO I JUST WANNA HAVE
AS MUCH FUN AS POSSIBLE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M--I'M 40,
AND, UH,
AND THAT'S--THAT'S--
THAT'S YOUNG
IN EVERYONE ELSE YEARS.
BUT, UH, IN BLACK YEARS--
I GOT, YOU KNOW,
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE.
DIABETES.
I AM, UH--
IF YOU DO THE BLACK-TO-WHITE
LIFE RATIO,
I'M A HUNDRED...
AND SEVENTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD.
I'M OLD AS A MOTHERFU--
I'M OLD.
AND I WANNA LIVE,
BUT HERE'S WHERE
I MESSED UP.
I MESSED UP MY YOUNG YEARS.
AND I REALIZED SOMETHING.
I'MA TELL YOU,
IF YOU'RE OVER 40,
AND YOU'RE TRYING
TO BETTER YOURSELF,
JUST--JUST STO--
I--IT--JUST--JUST--
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BETTER YOURSELF.
AND WHEN I SAY
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BETTER YOURSELF,
I MEAN BETTER YOURSELF
LIKE GO BACK TO WHEN--
YOU TRY TO CAPTURE
THE THINGS YOU USED TO DO
WHEN YOU SUPPOSED
TO HAD DID IT,
BUT YOU DIDN'T DO IT.
YOU FEEL ME?
SO THE STUFF THAT
YOU WERE 18
AND DIDN'T DO,
NOW YOU'RE 40,
AND YOU'RE GOING,
"I'M GONNA MAKE A CHAN--"
IT'S JUST--
IT NOTHIN' MAKE ME SICK
MORE THAN SOMEBODY 40
AND SAY THEY IN SCHOOL.
LIKE, "WHAT YOU DOING?"
"I'M--I'M GOING TO SCHOOL,
BLAH."
"YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO--
NEVER TOO OLD,
AND NEVER TOO BL-BL-BL."
WHOLE BUNCH OF SAYINGS.
SHUT THE FU--
THE FUCK UP
WIT' YOUR OLD HORSE SHIT.
'CAUSE IT AIN'T--
YOU'RE OLD.
YOUR BRAIN DON'T WORK.
YOUR BODY DON'T WORK.
YOU CAN'T CHANGE
YOUR ETHIC.
THERE MIGHT BE
TWO OF YOU
THAT CHANGED YOUR ETHIC.
LIKE THESE FAT PEOPLE SHOWS
THAT ARE ON TV.
WHERE THEY GOT PEOPLE,
"UUGGGH."
SOON AS THAT SHOW
IS OVER,
THEY'RE FAT AGAIN.
BIG FAT FATS.
FATTY, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.
I WENT TO EXERCISE RECENTLY,
AND I TRIED TO CHANGE
MY LIFE
AND EXERCISE.
AFTER I FINISHED,
I WAS SAYING TO MYSELF,
"I GOTTA DO THIS TOMORROW?"
LIKE, NOTHING CHANGED.
I STILL GOT S--
A LUMP.
I DON'T CARE
WHAT IT WAS.
SOMETHING SHOULDA CHANGED.
NOTHING.
AND I GOTTA KEEP DOING THIS
UNTIL MAYBE I SEE
A CHANGE.
I JUST CAN'T.
I DON'T HAVE
THAT ETHIC ANYMORE.
I SHOULDA DID IT
WHEN I WAS 18 YEARS OLD.
LIKE, I CAN'T TYPE.
BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE
HOW IMPORTANT TYPING WAS
TILL RIGHT NOW.
I FUCKED UP
ALL MY GOOD TYPING YEARS
CALLING PEOPLE GAY
WHO WAS GOING
TO TYPING CLASS.
IT WAS, LIKE,
ME AND SIX OTHER DUDES, LIKE,
"WHAT YOU DOING, TYP--
"YOU WANNA BE A SECRETARY?
WHAT THE--?
"WHAT KINDA PUSSY--?
"MAN, MAN,
COME ON, MAN.
LET'S GO, UH, STEAL BREAD."
WE USED TO GO STEAL BREAD
AND LUNCHMEAT
FROM THE SUPERMARKET
AND MAKE SANDWICHES
AND SELL 'EM
DURING TYPING CLASS.
AND NOW I CAN'T TYPE.
IF YOU CAN'T TYPE,
AND YOU TRY TO BE
IN A WORLD
WITH PEOPLE WHO CAN,
YOU--YOU--
YOU FEEL IRRELEVANT.
YOU STOP, YOU KNOW?
YOU SAY HELLO TO SOME WOMAN
ON THE INTERNET.
"HI."
AND SHE COME BACK
WITH THE SEVEN-PAGE MEMO.
LIKE, "HELLO," WHAP!
YOU BE LIKE, REALLY?
FOR REAL?
ALL THOSE WORDS?
YOU SAW ME TYPE, "HELLO."
AND I YELLED IT,
EVIDENTLY.
I--IN BIG LETTERS,
IT WAS SAYING HELLO.
REALLY, SERIOUSLY,
YOU THINK I SAID,
"HELLO! HIIII, BITCH!
HIIIII!"
IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK
I DID, FOR REAL?
YEAH, REALLY?
JUST SEND SMILEY FACES,
THAT'S ALL I DO.
I KNOW SMILEY EMOTICONS.
I KNOW.
I LOVE THOSE.
LIKE, I CAN'T SPELL--
IF I HAD TO SPELL RESTAURANT,
TO THIS DAY, RIGHT,
TO SAVE MY MAMA'S LIFE,
LIKE, IF--
LIKE IF SOMEBODY HELD
MY MAMA HOSTAGE
AND HAD A GUN
TO HER HEAD, RIGHT,
AND SAYS,
"NIGGA, SPELL RESTAURANT.
"MAN, I WILL--
I'MA SHOOT YOUR MOTHER
IN THE HEAD."
I'D BE LIKE--
I WOULD LOOK
AT MY MOTHER LIKE,
"UH, I LOVE YOU.
YOU BETTER LOOK
AT ME, MA."
SHE'S CRYING, "WAHHH."
"UNDERSTAND THAT I--
I LOVE YOU
WITH ALL MY HEART."
"STOP STALLIN', NIGGA!"
"OKAY, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
"ALL RIGHT!"
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
R-E-S-T...
OH, MY GOD.
HERE'S WHERE IT GETS--
OH, JESUS CHRIST.
UH...
THERE'S A OOH--
IT'S A OOH--UH--
REST-OOH.
STOOOOOH-RANT.
RAH-WENT.
R-RRRRUANT.
IS THE--IT'S AN A OR A U.
"A'IGHT, GIMME ANOTHER--
"GIMME ANOTHER WORD, MAN.
"GIMME ANOTHER WORD.
ONE MORE WORD.
"JUST GIVE MY MOTHER
A CHANCE TO LIVE.
"'TOMORROW'?
SHIT, SHIT, SHIT."
"PROBABLY"?
GOD DA--
"BANANA"?
A'IGHT, BANANA, BANANA.
B-A-N--
B-A-N-N--
A-N-N-N--
IS IT--
AIN'T THERE, LIKE,
SEVEN Ns IN "BANANA"?
B-A-N-N-A-N-N...
A-N-N-N-N....
A-A-N-A?
N-A?
I'M, UH, IRRELEVANT.
HOW OLD ARE YOU, BRO?
- 35.
- 35, FIVE YEARS.
EH.
HOW YOU FEELING?
YOU FEELING--
YOU FEELING A'IGHT?
YOU FEEL LIKE
THESE YOUNG GUYS
OF, YOU KNOW--
YOU A FOOTBALL FAN?
ALL YOUR--
YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
YOU NOTICE HOW FOOTBALL'S
WHACK NOW?
THINGS ARE CHANGING.
IT SEEMS LIKE--
LOOK, THIS--THIS MAY BE
OLD THINKING, OKAY?
NOW, WHEN I CAME UP--
YOU A FOOTBALL FAN?
NO?
THAT'S A--LIKE--
HE'S NOT.
LIKE, WHAT DUDE, LIKE--
THAT SHOCKED ME.
LIKE, DUDES ARE FOOTBALL FANS.
"OH, I DON'T.
IT'S A LITTLE TOO VIOLENT."
LIKE--
LIKE--
FOOTBALL...
IT'S NOT LIKE THE GAME IT--
WHEN I CAME UP, DUDE,
FOOTBALL WAS A GLA--
IT WAS GLADIATORS.
IT WAS ANGRY.
IT WAS ANGRY.
IT WAS JUST--
LIKE, WHEN WE HIT SOMEBODY,
WHEN I PLAYED,
IF YOU HIT SOMEBODY
AND HE DIDN'T GET UP,
LIKE, WE DIDN'T HOLD HANDS
WITH THE--
WITH THE OTHER TEAM
AND PRAY.
LIKE, HOLD HANDS AND ALL--
EVERYONE PRAYS FOR HIM
TO GET UP.
WE USED TO DO
A INDIAN, LIKE,
SELL A HUMP DANCE CIRCLE
AROUND HIM, LIKE,
"MAN, LOOK AT YOU.
UH, UH."
I BE LIKE--
AND OUR CROWD'S LIKE,
* HE'S PARA-LY-YZED
THAT'S RIGHT.
HO, HO, HO!
WE BE LOOKIN'
FOR HIS MOTHER CRYING,
LIKE, "THAT'S RIGHT, LADY.
"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET
FOR LETTIN' HIM OUT HERE
"WITH KILLERS.
"HE CAN'T EVEN WIGGLE
HIS TOES.
"TAKE HIS SOCKS.
TAKE HIS SOCKS."
AND WE WOULD TIE HIS SOCKS
AROUND OUR HELMET
FOR THE NEXT WEEK'S--
LIKE, THE NEXT TEAM.
THEY KNEW,
"AWWW, THAT'S THE TEAM
"THAT BE TYIN'
PARALYZED NIGGAS' SOCKS
AROUND THEY HELMETS
TO SCARE 'EM NEXT WEEK."
AND THEN--
IT AIN'T LIKE...
WE WERE THINKING
ABOUT HARMING SOMEBO--
IT'S JUST,
THAT'S WHAT WE DID.
RIGHT?
OH, LOOK AT THIS GUY, JUST--
LOOK AT THIS FUCKIN' CREW
RIGHT HERE.
YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS.
YOU OKAY, GUY?
YOU ALL RIGHT?
YOU LATE FOR SOME TEST
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING?
HUH, INTELLIGENCE FACE?
ARE YOU A BIG FOOTBALL FAN?
YOU LIKE FOOTBALL?
YEAH.
YOU ARE?
SORTA?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I THINK YOU SAW ME
TEASE THIS GUY.
I'M JUST TRYIN' TO GET US
TO UNDERSTAND, MAN,
THAT YOU THE FUTURE, OKAY?
I'M DONE.
BUT THEY'RE TAKIN' AWAY--
I'M A NEANDERTHAL, OKAY?
THEY'RE TAKING AWAY
WHAT I USED TO JUST
AUTOMATICALLY THINK AND FEEL,
AND NOW THEY'RE JUST
TAKING IT AWAY FROM YOU,
SO NOW EVEN YOU LOOK
AT DUDES LIKE ME,
LIKE, OLDER DUDES,
AND GO, "OH, YOU'RE--"
IT'S LIKE SELF-POLICING.
MEN GO, "OH, THAT'S NOT--
YOU SHOULDN'T--
SSS."
LIKE, "INAPPROPRIATE"
IS A VAGINAL WORD.
LIKE, THAT'S NOT A WORD.
"THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE."
LIKE, IS THAT COMING
FROM A MAN?
LIKE, WOMEN SAY THAT.
THAT'S WOMEN'S JOB,
IS TO SAY,
"THAT'S JUST--THAT'S--"
LIKE, THAT'S--
MEN ARE SUPPOSED TO DO--
WE'RE HERE
TO DO FOUL THINGS
AND HAVE YOU GO, "OHHH!"
BUT NOW WHAT'S--
WHERE'S THE BALANCE?
SEE, IT'S--IT'S--
IT'S YING AND YANG.
THE BALANCE, IT--
YOU--YOU GOTTA LIVEN UP.
YOU GOTTA BE
A LITTLE MORE--
IS THAT YOUR WOMAN
RIGHT THERE?
SEE, SEE GUYS?
SEE HOW COMFORTABLE YOU ARE?
YOU SHOULDN'T BE
AS COMFORTABLE AS YOU ARE.
YOU JUST--YOU CAN SEE HIM
SITTIN' UP,
UNNNGH, STRAIGHT.
AND YOU'RE JUST LOOKIN'--
HE'S JUST LIKE--
"HUH-HUH, HOO-HOO,
WHATEVER YOU LAUGH AT,
I'LL LAUGH AT."
IT'S NOT A GOOD THING,
BROTHER.
I FEEL IT.
DON'T GET MAD AT ME NOW.
HE'S LIKE, "FUCK YOU,
FAT F--BOY."
"CAN'T TYPE OR READ,
HUH, FAT MAN?"
I'M JUST SAYIN', MAN.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TYPE,
BUT I DO KNOW
WHAT I'M TELLING YOU.
I'M JUST--JUST--
IT'S, UH--
LIKE, LADIES, LET'S DISCUSS.
I MEAN, LOOK.
LET'S DISCUSS HARASSMENT.
FOR A SECOND.
LET'S JUST--
YOU FEEL IT A LITTLE BIT?
LIKE, LET'S JUST DISCUSS IT.
WHY CAN'T...
I HARASS YOU?
SOMETIMES.
SOMETIMMMMES.
I CAN NEVER HARASS YOU?
NEVER?
AND I'M NOT TALKIN' ABOUT--
ARRRGH!
OOGA-BOOGA!
LIKE, I'M TALKIN' JUST...
AT THE JOB.
IT'S UNFAIR
THAT I CAN'T HARASS YOU
AT THE WORKPLACE.
LIKE--
YOU LOOKIN'
HOW YOU LOOKIN',
AND I CAN'T JUST--
A LITTLE SOMETHIN'
THAT HAS TO DO--
LIKE, YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL
JUST TO SAY,
"HEY, YOU LOOK
BEAUTIFUL TODAY."
THAT'S HOW MESSED UP
THE GAME IS.
I THINK YOU SHOULD BE ABLE
TO COMMENT
ON ANY PART OF THE BODY
THAT YOU SEE.
IF YOU--
I'M SERIOUS.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
JEANNIE.
NOW, JEANNIE, NO DISRESPECT.
BUT IF I WORK
WITH YOU,
I SHOULD BE ABLE
TO WALK IN AND GO,
"OH, JEANNIE, BEAUTIFUL, UH,
TITTY MEAT
YOU HAVE THERE."
AND--
'CAUSE I SEE THAT.
BUT WHATEVER
THE SCIENTIFIC TERM IS--
I'M LOOKING AT MR. F--
HEY, 4.9 GRADE POINT AVERAGE,
WHAT'S THE--
WHAT'S THE SCIENCE TERM
FOR, UH, T--THE TITTY MEAT.
WHAT'S THE ACTUAL--
AND IT'S NOT THE CLEAVAGE.
I MEAN, THE CLEAVAGE IS
THE SPACE IN THE MIDDLE.
I'M TALKING 'BOUT THE MEAT.
THE MEAT, THE TITTY PART.
AND I'M NOT BEIN' FOUL.
JUST, YOU KNOW,
WHOA.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
JUST SO I CAN GO
THROUGH THE REST OF THE DAY
WITHOUT PRETENDING...
THAT I DON'T SEE
WHAT--WHAT YOU--
YOU--YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
I MEAN,
LET'S WORK OUT A DEAL.
DON'T GET ME F-FIRED.
HAVING WOMEN WORK
WITH MEN, RIGHT,
IS LIKE HAVING A GRIZZLY BEAR
WORK WITH SALMON.
DIPPED IN HONEY.
LIKE, SO--
NOW, YOU DIP THE SALMON
IN THE HONEY, RIGHT?
GRIZZLY BEARS--
AND THE SALMON GET
TO WALK THROUGH, COMFORTABLE,
WITH HONEY AND FISH,
AND, "GOOD MORNING,
GRIZZLY BEARS."
AND THE GRIZZLY BEARS
IS LIKE,
"HEY."
IT AIN'T EVEN--
HE CAN'T EVEN GROWL.
LIKE, "RAAWWWRR,
WHAT'S UP, FISH?"
"OH, MY GOD, HUMAN RESOURCES.
THE GRIZZLY BEAR JUST DID
GRIZZLY BEAR STUFF."
SO--
SO--
LIKE, I CAN'T EVEN GO,
"HEY, GOOD MORNING.
"GOOD MORNING, FISH.
GOOD MORNING.
OHHH."
I CAN'T TOUCH YOU.
LIKE, "OHHH, LOOK AT THAT.
"OOH, I'MA JUST GET
A LITTLE BIT OF THAT FISH
"FOR A LITTLE BIT.
"LEMME GET THAT HONEY.
"OH, MY GOD, MMMM.
"FISH AND HONEY, MAN.
"THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
"USUALLY I KILL FISH
AND EAT 'EM AND STUFF,
"BUT I JUST WANTED
TO JUST RUB THAT--
"RUB A LITTLE BIT
OF THAT.
"MM.
GOD DAMN."
THAT'S OPPRESSIVE.
LIKE, YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN--
AND THERE'S CAMERAS
EVERYWHERE.
YOU CAN'T DO,
LIKE, WEIRD STUFF
BEHIND HER BACK, LIKE--
WHY WOULD IT BE DISRESPECTFUL
IF I SAID--
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
TYRELLE.
IF I GO, "HEY, TYRELLE,
WE WORK TOGETHER."
AND I GO, "TYRELLE,
HEY, DO ME A FAVOR.
"LET ME KNOW
WHEN YOU GETTIN' UP
"TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
SO I CAN SNIFF YOUR CHAIR."
THAT'S DISRESPECTFUL
BECAUSE IT'S SEXUAL.
BUT THAT KEEPS ME
FROM BEING--
LIKE, I THINK--LOOK.
I THINK THERE SHOULD BE
A HOLIDAY.
FOR LACK
OF A BETTER WORD,
HARASSMENT DAY.
BUT NOT--
THAT SOUNDS WHATEVER.
BUT I MEAN A DAY
WHERE I GET TO FIND OUT--
LIKE--BECAUSE--
AND THIS IS WHY
IT SHOULD BE
HARASSMENT DAY,
BECAUSE WOMEN GET TO BE
INAPPROPRIATE SEXUALLY
ALL THE TIME.
YOU GET TO BE INAPPROPRIATE.
AND WHEN I SAY INAPPROPRIATE,
I MEAN SAY HELLO TO ME
TOO CLOSE.
"HI!"
MMM-MEH.
OR SOME WEIRD MASSAGE
'CAUSE YOU THINK
WE'RE FRIENDS,
AND YOU,
"GOOD MORNING,"
A LITTLE KISS,
AND HE'S JUST LIKE,
"OHHH.
"OH, BOY, OH, BOY.
BOY, BOY, BOY."
AND YOU THINK
IN YOUR HEAD, MAN,
"I WONDER IF I--
I WONDER IF I, YOU KNOW--"
BUT HARASSMENT DAY
ALLOWS YOU
TO BE ABLE TO ASK.
ALL YEAR, I SAY THE TUESDAY
BEFORE THANKSGIVING.
AND IT'S--
AND IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.
FLOWERS AND EVERYTHING.
YOU BUY HER FLOWERS,
YOU JUST REAL COOL.
YOU WALK UP,
YOU'RE RESPECTFUL.
YOU SAY,
"HEY, HOW ARE YOU?"
YOU KNOW,
GOOD AFTERNOON TO HER,
HAPPY HARASSMENT DAY.
AND YOU JUST, LIKE, SAY,
"LISTEN, I WAS WONDERING
ALL YEAR
IF YOU WOULD SUCK MY DICK
IN THE BROOM CLOSET."
AND YOU JUST BE LIKE,
"NO, THANK YOU, I'M NOT--"
AND YOU'D BE LIKE,
"I'M--THANK YOU.
"KEEP THE FLOWERS.
I JUST THOUGHT--
"I MADE A MISTAKE.
"I THOUGHT YOU WAS A HO
ALL YEAR.
"I WAS CONFUSED.
I THOUGHT YOU WAS A HO,
BUT YOU'RE NOT."
EVEN ANIMALS, MAN.
ANIMALS SMELL IT ON US.
THEY DO.
ANIMALS SMELL
SOMETHING'S WRONG.
LIKE WITH THE DOG WHISPERER.
HE GOT ANIMALS.
AND I'M A ANIMAL--UH--
LET ME SAY THIS, MAN.
I-I'M A WHAT THEY C--
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE TERM IS
FOR, UH,
EXTREME ANIMAL LOVER.
LIKE, I-I GET SICK
WHEN I SEE ANIMALS SUFFERING.
AND I KNOW THAT'S CONTRARY
TO POPULAR BELIEF SOMEHOW.
SOMEHOW IT'S SPREAD OUT
THAT BLACK PEOPLE, WE--
LIKE, WE HATE ANIMALS.
LIKE, WE CAN'T STAND
DOGS AND CATS.
AND I-I DON'T GET IT.
THAT'S THE NEWS DOING THAT.
'CAUSE THEY ONLY SHOW DUDES
THAT HATE DOGS.
LIKE WHEN THE VICK STUFF
WAS HAPPENING.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF MICHAEL VICK
AND THE DOG?"
THEY JUST SHOW--
EVERY DUDE THEY SHOW
IS LIKE, "MM, DOGS?
MAN, FUCK DOGS.
"I DON'T--
"I'LL DROWN A DOG
IN A BUCKET RIGHT NOW.
"GIMME A DOG.
"WHERE'S A MO--
WHERE'S A DOG AT?
"I'LL KILL HIM.
I HATE DOGS.
I HATE DOGS."
AND THEN THEY'LL SHOW
A WHITE WOMAN, LIKE,
TONGUE-KISSING A DOG
IN THE MOUTH.
JUST TO PROVE
WHITE PEOPLE LOVE DOGS.
AND THEN THEY GO BACK TO HIM,
AND HE'S MAD,
LIKE, "LOOK AT THIS
DIRTY WHITE BITCH,
"TONGUE-KISSING DEVIL.
"DEVIL BITCH TONGUE-KISSING
A-A JACKAL
"IN THE MOUTH.
DEVIL LICKING JACKALS!"
AND THEN SHE'S, LIKE,
SHINING, LIKE--
THERE'S SOME WEIRD WAR.
THEY ALWAYS WANT BLACK PEOPLE
AND WHITE PEOPLE
TO BE AT WAR, MAN,
FOR SOME REASON.
HOW CAN YOU HATE A--
I DON'T--
PEOPLE WHO HATE ANIMALS--
LIKE, I-I DON'T--
I'M NOT GONNA GO,
"I HATE YOU."
BUT IT--IT WOULD BE HARD.
IT TAKES AWAY A PIECE
OF HOW CLOSE WE MIGHT--
IF YOU GO,
"I HATE ANIMALS."
LIKE, SOMEBODY LOOK
AT A BABY SEAL,
AND GO,
"OH, I CAN'T WAIT
TO HIT THIS MOTHERFUCKER
IN THE FACE."
"FUCKIN' HATE BABY SEALS.
"ALL CUTE.
THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN' AT,
BABY SEAL?"
LIKE--
YOU EVER SEE THEM SAD
ANIMAL COMMERCIALS
THAT COME ON, LIKE,
DURING--
LIKE, 4:00 IN THE MORNING,
DURING THREE'S COMPANY
RERUNS?
AND THEY CATCH YOU
OUT OF NOWHERE.
YOU BE WATCHING
THREE'S COMPANY.
AND THEN,
* OOH HOOO
LIKE--
AND THEY'LL SHOW--
IT BE A--
LIKE, IT'LL BE A KITTEN
AND THEY SLOW MOTION
THE KITTEN UP,
AND THE KITTEN--
* OOH HOO-OO-OO
AND IT'S A--
KITTEN GOT A PENCIL
IN HIS HEAD.
LIKE, SOMEBODY STUCK A PENCIL
IN HIS FACE.
* THERE'S A PENCIL
* STICKING OUT OF HIS
* FA-A-A-ACE
THEN THEY PUT FUN FACTS.
"15,000 KITTENS
ARE STABBED IN THE HEAD
WITH PENCILS EACH YEAR."
YOU BE LIKE,
"WHO IS STABBING KITTENS
"IN THE FACE
WITH PENCILS?
WHY?"
* IT'S A PENCIL
* STICKING OUT OF HIS
* FA-A-A-ACE
THEN THEY'LL SHOW
A BUNCH OF PUPPIES
SHOVED IN A-A CONTAINER
OR A CUP.
* PUPPIES IN A CUP
* MISSIN' THEIR FEET
* IT'S WRO-O-O-ONG
"HI, I'M WHITE LADY.
I'M HERE TO SAY
NIGGERS PROBABLY DID IT."
FUCK YOU, BITCH,
JACKAL-KISSING HO!
BUT I'M NOT SAYING
THAT DOGS SHOULD BE
EQUAL CITIZENS, EITHER.
I LOVE MY DOGS, MAN,
BUT I-I CAN'T--
YOU KNOW, IT'S WRONG
TO TRAIN 'EM.
AND THEY'RE OUTTA CONTROL,
AND I'M NOT REALLY
A CESAR MILLAN UNDERSTANDER.
I TRY.
I TRY WITH WHAT THEY--
BUT I-I GOT A WESTIE,
A LITTLE WESTIE,
AND A POODLE.
AND I LOVE MY DOGS, MAN.
I LET--AND I LET 'EM GO
TO THE BATHROOM
ON THE WEE-WEE PAD
IN THE HOUSE, MAN.
I DON'T CARE.
AND EVERYTHING'S GOOD
WHEN THEY DO THAT.
'CAUSE THEY GOT
LITTLE BABY--
YOU KNOW,
WHEN THEY EATIN' RIGHT,
THE BA--THE--THE--
THEY BE NICE, LITTLE--
LITTLE--
YOU KNOW.
I DON'T HAVE--
THEY DON'T HAVE TO SCRATCH.
THEY JUST, "UGH,"
DO THEY THING.
AND WHEN THEY DO THEY THING,
EVERYTHING'S BEAUTIFUL.
I GO, "GOOD BOY,
GOOD GIRL, BOW,"
AND EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.
BUT SOMETIMES
THEY JUST DECIDE
THEY GON' TRY ME
AND GO--
LIKE, THEY HAVE
A MEETING AND GO,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
"LEMME SEE WHAT HAPPENS
"IF I PISS ON THIS GOOD RUG
THAT HE BOUGHT.
"LET'S SEE.
"WHY DON'T YOU--
WANNA PISS ON HIS RUG?
"WHO GONNA DO IT?
YOU IN?
COME ON, ONE, TWO, THREE."
"A'IGHT, I'LL DO IT.
I'LL DO IT."
AND THEN THE OTHER ONE
PEEKIN' AROUND THE CORNER,
LIKE, "OKAY, OKAY."
AND JUST, "UGGGH."
IT'S USUALLY THE WESTIE.
'CAUSE HE GOT
THE CUTEST LOOK.
THE WESTIE GOT THE--
GOT THE SAD,
LIKE, "WHAT DID I DO?" FACE.
SO I BE LIKE,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
"OH, COME ON, MAN.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?"
AND HE'S JUST,
"I'M DUMB.
I DON'T KNOW."
I GO, "GO AHEAD, BOY.
COME ON, MAN."
EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.
AND THEN, LIKE,
'CAUSE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,
THIS IS HOW
YOU TRAINED DOGS.
IT WAS NO S--
IT WAS EASY.
YOU JUST PUT 'EM DOWN
WHEN THEY FIRST GET
IN THE HOUSE.
AND YOU JUST HIDE
AROUND A CORNER, YOU KNOW.
AND YOU JUST WAIT.
YOU WAIT TILL THEY GO
TO THE BATHROOM
WHERE THEY AIN'T
SUPPOSED TO.
AND SOON AS THEY
CRUNCH UP
AND GO TO THE BATHROOM--
YOU GOTTA WAIT
TILL THE FIRST--
AND THEN YOU JUST RUN.
"MOTHER FU--
RRAAGGGGHH!"
AND YOU J--
YOU SHOVE HIS FACE IN SHIT.
"AAAAGH!
"HOW'S THAT FEEL,
SHITTY FACE?
YOUR FACE STINK.
HOW'S THAT?"
"THERE, WHAT?"
HE'S LIKE, "WHAT?"
YOU CHOKE 'EM OUT,
AND HE'S--
HE START TAPPIN',
LIKE, "OY."
YOU KICK HIM.
"DON'T SHIT ON MY RUG,
YOU MOTHER--!"
AND HE'LL NEVER
SHIT THERE AGAIN.
LIKE, HE MAY GO THERE.
BUT HERE?
HE'LL PULL A CIGARETTE
OUT FIRST,
'FORE HE--
DEAR GOD.
"WHOO, SOMETHIN' HAPPENED
TO ME BAD THERE.
I'M SCARED TO EVEN
GET NEAR THERE."
NIGGA DO HEROINE,
HE GET NEAR THAT SPOT.
"I'LL KILL YOU.
THAT RUG COST MORE
THAN YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!"
BUT I'M TRYING
TO SAVE YOU, MAN,
'CAUSE YOU ARE THE FUTURE,
MY FRIEND.
'CAUSE I'M FINISHED.
I'M STUCK.
IN A RELATIONSHIP,
DONE.
DONE.
THIS IS A MAN IN LOVE.
HERE--HERE'S THE FACE
OF A MAN IN LOVE.
AND THE FACE OF A WOMAN
IN LOVE IS LIKE,
"YEA, YEA.
I'M IN LOVE."
BUT THE FACE...
OF A MAN IN LIKE
IS LIKE, "YEAH, MAN.
I LIKE HER."
AND WOMEN ARE LIKE,
"WHEN ARE YOU--
WHERE IS THIS GOING?"
WHY'S IT HAVE TO GO
SOMEWHERE?
IT'S JUST COOL
RIGHT NOW, LIKE--
HERE'S THE BEST RELATIONSHIP
IN THE WORLD,
IS WHEN THE WOMAN
LOVES YOU...
AND THE MAN LIKES HER.
SO IF I LIKE YOU,
AND YOU LOVE ME,
THAT'S PERFECTION.
BECAUSE I LIKE LIKE.
LIKE IS LIKE WHEN--
THAT'S WHEN HE'S HAPPY
TO SEE YOU
AND HAPPY TO HEAR YOU,
AND YOU DOING THINGS
THAT DON'T DISRESPECT
THE HAPPY.
YOU LIE ABOUT LIKING SPORTS,
AND YOU DO
ALL KINDA THINGS.
I KNOW THAT SOUNDS,
LIKE, RIDICULOUS,
BUT I'LL PUT IT
IN VAGINAL TERMS FOR YOU.
'CAUSE I SEE THE FACES,
LIKE, "HUH?"
AND THEN GUYS GO,
"HEY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."
LIKE, BUT I-I--
BUT GUYS DO.
I F--I SPEAK
FLUENT DUDE, MAN.
I-I UNDERSTAND HOW WE ARE.
I'MA TELL YOU WHY--
OKAY, LADIES, YOU--
HOW MANY TIMES
HAS THERE BEEN A GUY
IN YOUR LIFE, OR GUYS,
WHERE THERE'S BEEN MEN
IN YOUR LIFE
WHO WANT TO SLEEP
WITH YOU,
BUT YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO SLEEP WITH HIM?
ZILLIONS.
YOU CAN'T COUNT IT.
SO WHAT THAT MEANS,
THERE'S A--
THERE'S A PHILOSOPHY THERE,
MEANING YOU ARE SEXABLE.
HE WANTS TO SLEEP
WITH YOU.
BUT JUST 'CAUSE YOU
ARE SEXABLE
DON'T MEAN I'M SEXABLE.
RIGHT?
SAME THING WITH LOVE.
JUST 'CAUSE I'M LOVABLE...
DOESN'T MEAN THAT
YOU'RE LOVABLE TOO.
YOU'RE JUST LIKABLE TO ME.
YOU DIDN'T DO FOR ME
WHAT I DID FOR YOU
TO FEEL THAT WAY.
YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
IT--IT--IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
SO IF YOU JUST WAIT FOR ME
TO LOVE YOU,
THEN YOU--YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
YOU MIGHT HAVE TO WAIT
A WHILE.
BUT MEN DON'T HAVE
THE OPTION
TO MUSCLE YOU
LIKE YOU MUSCLE US.
"YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOTTA EITHER
SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT.
"WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER
THIS MANY MONTHS,
AND IT'S TIME FOR US
TO DISCOVER WHERE--"
LIKE, BUT MEN DON'T SAY
NOTHIN' LIKE THAT
TO MUSCLE YOU, MAN.
THAT'S--THAT'S, YOU KNOW--
I CAN'T GO, "LOOK,
WE'VE BEEN GOING OUT
"FOR A WEEK NOW.
"IT'S--IT'S--IT'S, UH...
"IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO ROLL
THESE PANTIES DOWN 'CAUSE...
"IT'S BEEN TOO LONG
I BEEN BUYING YOU DRINKS,
AND YOU GOT TO EITHER SHIT
OR GET OFF THE POT."
BUT WHEN YOUR WOMAN
LOVES YOU,
IT'S VERY DIFFICULT
TO GET PAST THAT, MAN.
A WOMAN'S LOVE
IS SO BEAUTIFUL, MAN.
MEN'S LOVE IS
NOT AS BEAUTIFUL.
IT AIN'T PURE,
'CAUSE IT'S WORK. IT'S JOB.
I LOOK AT MY GIRL
LAYING THERE,
I BE LIKE, "GOD! OHH, MAN!"
I WANT TO CALL OUT SICK
FROM LOVE.
I BE LIKE, "DAMN."
BUT SHE'S SLEEPING
RIGHT THERE.
I BE WANTIN' TO GIVE
THE CALL-IN-SICK VOICE.
"I CAN'T MAKE IT
TO LOVE YOU TODAY.
I GOT A..."
BUT WHEN YOUR WOMAN
LOVE YOU, MAN,
YOU FEEL WEIRD.
I TRY TO START ARGUMENTS
WITH MY GIRL
ALL THE TIME JUST
SO THAT SHE LOVE ME LESS,
'CAUSE SHE JUST--
THE WAY SHE LOVE ME,
IT'S JUST TOO MUCH.
I'M LIKE, "DAMN."
IT AIN'T--
IT'S NOT NECESSARY.
BUT SHE LOVES, MAN.
AND LOVE FOR A WOMAN
EMBODIES EVERYTHING.
IT'S LIKE...
SHE'S CONCERNED
ABOUT MY HEALTH.
AIN'T NO MAN IN HERE
EVER ASK HOW
THEIR WOMAN'S HEALTH IS, EVER.
LOOK AT THIS NIGGA LAUGHIN'.
HOW LONG Y'ALL BEEN TOGETHER,
BY THE WAY, BRO?
- TWO YEARS.
- TWO YEARS.
HAVE YOU EVER ASKED HER
A HEALTH QUESTION?
NEVER.
IT AIN'T HAPPENIN'.
HE NEVER--WE DON'T KNOW
WHEN SHE,
THE LAST TIME SHE CHECKED
HER TITTIES FOR--
FOR LUMPS.
ANYBODY'S MAN EVER ASK
IF YOU CHECKED YOUR TITTIES
FOR FUCKIN' LUMPS? NO!
IF YOU TAKE PILLS,
DO YOUR MAN GO,
"HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR PILLS?"
NO, WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
JUST KNOCK YOUR PILLS
OFF THE--
"WHAT'S ALL THESE PILLS,
YOU SICK BITCH?"
"SOUND LIKE MARACAS AROUND HERE.
YOU'RE SICK."
AND IT'S NOT 'CAUSE
WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.
IT'S JUST THE WAY
WE CARE
IS NOT THE WAY... YOU KNOW.
MEN DON'T CARE ABOUT HEALTH
IN GENERAL.
WE DON'T CARE
ABOUT BEING SICK.
I SHOULD BE GETTING
PROSTATE CHECKS EVERY WEEK.
I SHOULD BE AT LEAST DOING
MY OWN PROSTATE CHECK.
YOU CAN--IF YOUR PROSTATE'S
SWELLED UP,
YOU CAN PUT YOUR OWN FINGER
IN YOUR BOOTY, RIGHT?
TO SEE IF YOUR PROSTATE
SWELLED,
'CAUSE YOU CAN'T--
BUT LOOK, ALL OF THAT,
I'LL NEVER KNOW,
'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA STICK--
I'LL LET MY PROSTATE
FALL OUT MY ASSHOLE FIRST.
I'LL BE WALKIN',
IT'LL FALL ON THE GROUND.
I'LL BE LIKE,
"IS THAT MY PROSTATE
JUST FELL OUT
MY ASSHOLE?"
AND I STILL WOULDN'T GO
TO THE HOSPITAL.
I'LL CALL ONE OF MY FRIENDS
ON THE PHONE.
"HEY, MAN, YOUR PROSTATE
EVER FALL OUT YOUR ASSHOLE?
"WHAT'D YOU DO ABOUT IT?
PUT SOME DUCT TAPE?
ALL RIGHT, PUT SOME DUCT TAPE."
IT'S BEAUTIFUL,
THE LOVE.
I'M TELLING YOU.
I'M DIABETIC, MAN,
AND--AND, YOU KNOW,
I'M NOT GONNA FIND NO WOMAN
THAT GIVES A--CARES...
JUST OFF THE STREET.
'CAUSE DIABETES, LOOK--
FIRST OF ALL,
I DON'T SUPPORT IT, ALL RIGHT?
IF I DIDN'T HAVE IT,
I COULD GIVE A--
IT'S JUST,
"WHATEVER, DUDE, REALLY?
CAN'T EAT COOKIES, FAGGOT?
I DON'T CARE."
BUT I GOT
THAT MISERABLE DISEASE.
IT'S JUST--
IT'S ONE OF THOSE--
IT'S DETERIO--
IT'S JUST A--
IT'S JUST A PAIN
IN THE ASS,
'CAUSE I CAN'T EAT
AND DRINK WHAT I WANT.
LIKE, I CAN EAT AS
MANY VEGETABLES AS I WANT.
"PATRICE, YOU CAN HAVE
ALL THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS
YOU EVER NEEDED."
IT WAS LIKE, "OH."
WHY CAN'T I EAT PASTA
AND CAKE?
BUT YOU CAN'T,
AND IT HARD.
IT'S LIKE BEING ADDICTED.
FOOD IS,
I'M TELLING YOU--
FOOD IS AN EVERYDAY, LIKE...
I'LL BE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD, MAN, FOOD AGAIN?"
I GOTTA THINK ABOUT--
EVERY DAY, I GOTTA THINK.
I GO TO SLEEP
THINKING ABOUT FOOD.
TOMORROW, LIKE,
"WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
"A'IGHT, TODAY,
I HAD SALAD AND FRUIT,
"AND I--I'M GONNA
CELEBRATE TOMORROW
"BY HAVING A WHOLE...
"LAMB LEG,
TO CELEBRATE HOW GOOD
I ATE YESTERDAY."
IT'S JUST A SUFFERING...
AND I UNDERSTAND
BEING ADDICTED.
ANY SMOKERS?
SMOKERS HERE? ANYBODY?
SMOKING? SEE,
AND THAT'S LIKE--
AND YOU A YOUNG MAN,
BUT YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW.
IT'S A--YOU DON'T--
YOU'RE GOOD PEOPLE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO DIE.
SMOKERS ARE LIKE--
YOU JUST KNOW
YOU'RE DYING, LIKE...
"MAN, OH, MAN, DOG."
AND YOU GONNA GET CANCER,
LIKE, YOU KNOW
YOU GONNA GET CANCER,
AND YOU'RE GIVING
OTHER PEOPLE CANCER.
YOU'RE LIKE...
YOU'RE LIKE,
"I'M NOT A BAD PERSON,
"I JUST CAN'T KEEP IT--
"I CAN'T KEEP IT, UH...
DOWN IN MY SYSTEM HERE."
AND THEN THE PACK
OF CIGARETTES,
THEY USED
TO SAY THINGS LIKE,
"UH, CIGARETTES POSSIBLY
"MIGHT
CAUSE YOU TO BE ILL
AT SOME POINT IN YOUR LIFE."
NOW THEY SAY
IT WILL KILL YOU,
AND YOU STILL...
AND THEN YOU GOT
THE CIGARETTE BOXES IN CANADA.
YOU EVER SEE
CANADA'S CIGARETTE BOXES?
THEY GOT DEAD BABIES
ON THE BOX.
LIKE, IT JUST BE
A DEAD BABY.
CAN YOU IMAGINE SMOKING
AND RATIONALIZING?
IMAGINE YOU TELL YOURSELF,
YOU SAY,
"MAN, I'M GLAD I MADE IT
PAST HIS AGE.
GODDAMN."
"HOW OLD WAS HE
WHEN HE STARTED SMOKING?
"A DAY OLD?
JESUS, SLOW DOWN, NIGGA,
USE A FILTER."
I SAW SOME WHITE
CHOCOLATE-COVERED OREOS.
OREOS DIPPED
IN CHOCOLATE, MAN.
I WA--
I COULD--IT WAS--
I WAS IN TEARS, LIKE,
KNOWING I SHOULDN'T EAT IT,
BUT I WAS IN PAIN, LIKE, GOING,
"OH, MY GOD."
AND I'M TALKING TO MYSELF,
"I CAN'T EAT
THESE COOKIES, MAN."
AND THEY'RE CALLIN' ME,
AND I'M PRAYING TO GOD,
AND I'M--AND I'M
LACTOSE INTOLERANT,
BUT, LIKE, IF I EAT
THESE COOKIES,
I GOTTA DRINK MILK TOO.
I'MA GO OUT
LIKE A SOLDIER.
IT'S LIKE, WHATEVER.
AND THEN YOU SAY ALL KIND
OF WEIRD STUFF TO YOU
TO RATIONALIZE EATING THEM.
I'LL BE LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
"I DON'T NEED
BOTH MY FEET.
"I'M NOT A...
"I'M NOT A BALLERINA.
ALL I NEED IS ONE
SO I CAN DRIVE MY CAR."
I'MA TELL YOU
A QUICK LOVE STORY, MAN.
THIS WILL SUM UP
HOW MUCH MY GIRL LOVE ME,
AND IT'S AMAZING.
UM, YOU KNOW, LIKE I SAID,
I'M DIABETIC, MAN,
BUT, UM, YOU KNOW,
IT'S A TRUE STORY.
WHEN WE HAVE SEX,
WE'RE REALLY, UH...
REALLY DIRTY, MAN.
WE'RE REALLY DIRTY.
WE PEE ON EACH OTHER
AND THE WHOLE...
BUT THAT'S--GET PAST THAT,
'CAUSE THIS IS TRUE LOVE, SO...
SO I'M--
WE'RE HAVING SEX, RIGHT?
ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO
THIS HAPPENED.
WE'RE HAVING SEX,
AND THEN, UH, AFTERWARDS,
SHE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW,
THAT WAS GOOD,
"BUT I THINK WE GOTTA
GO TO THE HOSPITAL
AND GET YOU CHECKED OUT."
I SAID, "WHY?"
SHE SAID, "'CAUSE YOU'RE PEE
TASTES LIKE BIRTHDAY CAKE."
AND...
ISN'T THAT LOVE?
IF YOU CAN
GET PAST THE PEE PART,
THAT'S LOVE, RIGHT?
WHEN SHE'S LIKE, "OH,
YOUR PEE IS TOO DELICIOUS.
I DON'T--
I DON'T LIKE THAT."
SHE DIDN'T GO, "YOU PEED
IN MY MOUTH, YOU NASTY--"
SHE'S JUST LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
YOUR PEE TASTES--
"I DONE LIKE THE WAY
IT TASTES.
IT TASTES SCRUMPTIOUS."
WHAT I'MA DO?
YOU SEE
THESE THREE GOOFY GIRLS' LOOK,
THEY LIKE,
"IF HE PEE IN MY MOUTH,
"BLAH BLAH BLAH.
BLAH BLAH-BLAH
BLAH-BLAH BLUH."
THAT MEANS YOU'RE
NOT GONNA LOVE ME
TO THE DEGREE THAT I NEED
TO SAVE MY LIFE, ARE YOU?
NO.
I DON'T NEED YOU.
I DON'T NEED YOU
IF YOU CAN'T
TASTE MY PEE AND GO,
"SOMETHING'S WRONG.
YOU NEED TO GO
CHECK YOURSELF."
YOU JUDGE ME.
THAT'S YOUR WOMAN, BRO?
HOW LONG YOU GUYS
BEEN TOGETHER?
TEN YEARS? WOW.
GOOD, GOOD.
HOW LONG?
2 1/2, 3 YEARS?
Y'ALL GOIN'--
Y'ALL GOIN' RAW?
YOU STICK IT IN RAW?
YOU DO?
OKAY, YOU PUT IT IN--
YOU PUT IT IN RAW?
LOOK IT, SHE PUNCHED HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET ME EXPLAIN,
SHE JUST HIT HIM IN HIS ARM.
I'MA EXPLAIN
SOMETHING TO YOU.
THE QUICKER
THAT A MAN GOES RAW,
IT MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE,
YOU KNOW, "GO AHEAD, PIMP.
YOU GOT IT IN RAW."
THE QUICKER THE WOMAN
GOES RAW,
IT MAKES YOU LOOK--
YEAH, LOOSE.
IT MAKES YOU LOOK BAD.
'CAUSE SAFE SEX IS
A WOMAN'S RESPONSIBILITY.
'CAUSE MEN ARE TRYING
TO DO IT
THE FIRST SECOND
WE MEET.
LOOK, MY PROTECTION IS JUST,
I DO THIS.
AND I JUST GO...
"JUST NOT AIDS, GOD."
"PLEASE DON'T LET ME
GET SICK AND DIE."
IT IS YOUR
RESPONSIBILITY.
YEP.
WHEN DID Y'ALL
DECIDE TO DO IT?
HOW LONG
DID IT TAKE, BRO?
HOW LONG DID IT TAKE?
- A WHILE.
- IT TOOK A WHILE?
WHAT'S A WHILE?
WHAT'S A WHILE TO YOU?
HEY, DID YOU DO
THE OLD BAGLESS TRICK,
WHERE YOU WOULD JUST SLOWLY,
LIKE, JUST TRY TO PUT IT IN
WITHOUT...
AND YOU JUST, HOPEFULLY,
SHE STOP YOU?
THAT OLD TRICK?
LIKE, "OKAY...
"ALL RIGHT,
IT'S GETTING CLOSE,
"AND I THINK I'M GONNA...
I AIN'T GOT NOTHIN'
ON IT YET."
AND THEN IT START
GETTING REAL CLOSE.
YOU BE LIKE,
"NO, SHE GONNA LET ME--
"OHH!
THIS DIRTY BITCH!"
"WE BOTH GONNA DIE
YOU LET ME PUT IT IN?"
"OH, WE GONNA DIE!
"SHE JUST LET ME
GO RAW!"
BUT WE WON'T STOP, THOUGH.
"AW, COME ON!
STOP ME!"
AND I CAN'T USE
NO CONDOM NO MORE.
IT'S OVER--
CONDOM DAYS.
I PUT A TRASH BAG
ON MY SHIT,
IT JUST--
* WAH WAH
LIKE THE "WAH-WAH" MUSIC?
* WAH-WAH
IT'S JUST DEAD.
I HAVE TO SEE IF MY BALLS
CAN FIT IN THERE TOO.
LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
HOW'S THAT, BABY?"
"THEY BOTH IN THERE SOFT,
"BUT HIS BALLS AND DICK
IS IN THERE.
"YOU OKAY?
HOW'S THAT FEEL?
FILLED UP?
YOU FEEL FILLED UP?"
I'MA DO--I'MA SHOW
YOU SOMETHING, LADIES, RIGHT?
I'MA SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
HERE'S WHY YOU SHOULD
BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SAFE SEX.
ALL RIGHT, HOW MANY GUYS
IN HERE, HONESTLY,
HAVE USED
A DENTAL DAM BEFORE?
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT A DENTAL DAM IS?
YOU DO? NO ONE'S
EVER USED ON BEFORE, HUH?
SEE?
SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING
ABOUT THE CONDOMS?
Y'ALL JUST LIKE,
"PUT THAT CONDOM ON,"
BUT, YOU KNOW,
THE DENTAL DAM
IS A PIECE
OF A TRASH BAG, RIGHT?
ABOUT AS BIG AS A NAPKIN
THAT YOU FLIP OUT,
AND YOU LAY IT
OVER A WOMAN'S VAGINA
JUST IN CASE, YOU KNOW,
IT'S--IT'S POISON.
TO PROTECT US
FROM IMMINENT DANGER,
BUT WE DON'T USE IT
'CAUSE YOU'LL BE INSULTED.
IF I'M GETTING READY
TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU,
AND I PULL OUT
A PIECE OF A TRASH BAG...
AND YOU GO,
"UH, WHAT IS THAT?"
"OH, I'M JUST GONNA
LAY THAT OVER YOUR VAGINA
JUST IN CASE IT KILLS ME."
"I'M SORRY,
WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
AND WE SEE THAT FACE?
"NOTHIN', FORGET IT.
"DON'T EVEN--PRETEND
YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT.
"I'D RATHER DIE THAN TO
"INSULT MY WAY
OUT OF SOME PUSSY.
I'D RATHER JUST GET
WHAT YOU GOT."
NO OFFENSE,
BUT THAT'S US.
WE ARE NOT LIKE YOU.
UNDERSTAND THAT.
WE'RE GOOD CREATURES,
SPECIAL--
WE ARE, BUT
WE'RE JUST NOT LIKE YOU.
WE'RE NOT LIKE--
WE DON'T TELL THE TRUTH,
AND THE REASON IS
BECAUSE WE CANNOT.
TRUTH IS, UH...
HERE'S WHAT TRUTH IS.
TRUTH IS A FEELING
THAT GOES FROM YOUR GUT
TO YOUR MOUTH
INSTANTANEOUSLY.
WOMEN GET TO BE TRUTHFUL.
YOU GET TO SAY...
AND YOU SAY
ANY KIND OF FOUL,
'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE
AN EDITING--
IT JUST COMES UP.
"I JUST--
TWO PLUS TWO IS SEVEN."
JUST SAY IT.
"I DON'T CARE."
AND YOU BE LIKE,
"IT'S--IT'S FOUR."
"IT AIN'T.
IT'S WHATEVER I WANT IT TO BE!"
"I'MA TALK
IF I FEEL LIKE IT."
AND...
MEN DON'T DO THAT.
WE CAN'T BE HONEST
WITH YOU.
MAN TRUTH IS CRUEL.
IF WE TOLD YOU
THE TRUTH ALL THE TIME,
THAT'S CRUELTY.
MEN--MEN GO FROM OUR GUT,
AND THEN IT STOPS
AT THE HEART,
WHERE WE EDIT IT.
WE EDIT WHAT THIS WAS.
WHAT THIS WAS
WAS GONNA BE FOUL,
SO I'M NOT GONNA SAY
WHAT THIS WAS.
AND THEN, IT GOES
INTO THE BRAIN FOR FURTHER...
TOUCH-UPS.
YOU KNOW, ANALYSIS.
MMM, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
AND THEN YOU SAY IT.
WE DON'T JUST SPEW
STUFF OUT, MAN,
BECAUSE HOW WE REALLY FEEL
ABOUT YOU,
IT JUST--IT'S NOT--
IT'S NOT COOL
LIKE THIS,
HOW WE FEEL ABOUT YOU.
YOU SAID TEN YEARS?
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,
HONESTLY.
WHAT'S YOUR DAYDREAM
ON HOW TO KILL HER?
- YOU WANT TO GET ME KILLED?
- HERE'S WHERE
YOU'RE MESSING UP.
I'MA TELL YOU
WHERE YOU'RE MESSING UP.
HE GOES--HE SAYS TO ME,
"HEY, MAN, YOU TRYING
TO GET ME KILLED?"
SO YOU SEE HOW
WE CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH?
THE--THE LIE, RIGHT?
THAT MEANS
THAT HE THINKS ABOUT IT.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU SHOULD SAY, "I DON'T THINK
ABOUT KILLING MY WOMAN,"
BUT YOU GO, "YOU TRYIN'
TO GET ME KILLED?
"IF I TELL YOU
HOW I'D KILL THIS BITCH,
SHE GONNA KILL ME!"
SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL
GET IT OUT NOW.
HOW DO YOU KILL HER, MAN?
JUST SO SHE KNOW.
HOW DO YOU DAYDREAM
ABOUT IT?
SPIT IT OUT.
SHE'S LOOKING AT--
IT'S OVER. JUST--
SWEETIE, I'M TRYING
TO LET YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE DEALING WITH.
I'M JUST SAYING
THE FACT THAT YOU'RE ALIVE
MEANS HE DIDN'T
GO THROUGH WITH IT.
HE JUST--AND
I'MA TELL YOU WHY--
WHY GUYS THINK ABOUT KILLING
THEIR WOMEN.
IT'S 'CAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
BECAUSE I WANT YOU
OUT OF MY LIFE,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO HURT
YOUR FEELINGS.
SO I'D RATHER YOU
BE DEAD,
THAN TO BREAK YOUR HEART.
SO WE THINK ABOUT,
HOW DO WE KILL THIS--
AND GET AWAY--
HOW DO YOU DO IT, BRO?
I'LL TELL YOU
HOW I KILL MY GIRL.
I PUT A PILLOW
OVER HER HEAD
AND SHOOT HER TWICE
WITH A SILENCER.
AND THE FEATHERS
COME UP,
AND I LOOK
UNDER THE PILLOW,
AND HER EYES STILL BE OPEN,
AND I CLOSE HER EYE--
I CLOSE HER EYES AND SHIT.
AND I KISS HER SOFTLY
ON HER FACE,
BUT SHE'S DEAD.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL
SPIT IT OUT,
'CAUSE IT'LL HELP YOU NOW,
'CAUSE YOU CAN BLAME IT ON ALL--
THE WHOLE SITUATION,
INSTEAD OF LATER
WHEN SHE'S LIKE,
"SO, YOU KNOW..."
YOU'RE PUERTO RICAN, RIGHT?
- CUBAN.
- CUBAN?
OH, LORD HAVE MERC--
LIKE, WHATEVER, SHE'S--
WHATEVER ACCENT AND WHATEVER
ANGER SHE DOES IN SPANISH,
SHE'S GONNA BE ON YOU,
SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL
JUST SAY IT,
THINK ABOUT IT.
'CAUSE SHE GONNA
BE ON YOU.
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT DO YOU, YOU KNOW.
AND LOOK IT, I DON'T CONDONE
VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN,
BUT I DO CONDONE
THINKING ABOUT IT,
BECAUSE SOMETIMES
IT'S LIKE,
"HOW DO I GET YOU
OUT OF MY FACE?"
IT'S JUST LIKE,
WHAT DO YOU DO?
WHEN A GIRL'S
IN YOUR FACE, AHH!
ESPECIALLY BLACK WOMEN,
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS PROBABLY MORE IMPORTANT
TO WHITE WOMEN,
'CAUSE WHITE WOMEN,
YOU DO STUFF TO GET KILLED.
PEOPLE KILL YOU.
YOUR HUSBANDS KILL YOU.
BLACK WOMEN DO STUFF
TO GET HIT.
LIKE, THEY MAKE YOU
WANT TO HIT 'EM,
'CAUSE THEY BE
IN YOUR FACE,
LIKE THEY COULD
WHUP YOUR ASS.
"BLAH BLAH BLAH,
BLAH-BLAH."
YOU BE LIKE,
"I'MA PUT THIS BITCH
THROUGH A FISH TANK."
DON'T GET IN MY FACE,
'CAUSE I CAN'T
EVEN HIT YOU.
I CAN'T EVEN
POKE YOU HARD.
LIKE, DON'T--
DON'T PRESS ME LIKE THAT.
"WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
I WISH YOU WAS--"
LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, MAN,
GET OUT OF MY FACE."
AND I'VE NEVER HIT
A WOMAN, MAN.
I'VE NEVER NEEDED TO.
AND I BEEN--BEEN, LIKE,
"WOW, MAN.
THIS WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER
IF I COULD,"
BUT I JUST...
YOU JUST...
LIKE, I NEVER EVEN
MUSHED A WOMAN.
ANYONE EVER GET MUSHED?
YOU EVER GET MUSHED?
YOU KNOW
WHAT A MUSHING IS?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT MUSHING IS.
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT MUSHING IS?
YOU DO--YEAH, SEE. LOOK
AT THE BLACK GIRL RIGHT THERE.
GO AHEAD, SHOW HER.
SHOW HER.
SHE PUT HER WHOLE HAND
OVER HER FACE.
IT'S A--IT'S--
IT'S A NON-VIOLENT...
MOVEMENT...
WHEN YOU'RE IN MY FACE,
AAH!
AND IT'S JUST TO--
IT JUST MOVES YOU...
AND SOMETIMES
A TWIST.
IT'S JUST,
"GET OUT OF MY FACE,
PLEASE."
I DON'T EVER
WANT TO MUSH,
AND I'VE NEVER DONE IT
I'VE COME CLOSE,
BUT I'M TOO SCARED.
I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL
OVER NONSENSE, MAN.
JAIL'S--
I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
PUSH--I DON'T WANT
TO MUSH A GIRL.
"GET OUT OF HERE."
SHE STUMBLE BACK,
CRACK HER HEAD, AND...
YOU KNOW, SHE'S LAYING
ON THE GROUND DOING THE, UH...
THE HULK HOGAN
FROM THE '80s, LIKE...
I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."
I'M LIFTING HER HAND UP
LIKE THE REFEREE.
LIKE, "OH, COME ON, BITCH.
PLEASE GET UP."
AND SHE'S JUST...
AND ON THE THIRD ONE,
I'M HOPING SHE GO LIKE THIS,
LIKE, "OH!"
"I'M STILL LIVIN', BROTHER!"
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OKAY!
OKAY!
"OH-HO!
"OH-HO!
OH, SHE'S LIVIN'!"
WHITE WOMEN, THOUGH,
I'MA TELL YOU
WHY YOU GET KILLED,
AND THIS IS A F--
I'M FROM BOSTON, MAN.
I GOT A PhD
IN WHITE PEOPLE, MAN.
I GREW UP AROUND THEM.
WHITE WOMEN,
YOU DON'T SCREAM AT YOUR MEN.
I NEVER SEEN A WHITE WOMAN
REALLY GO "AAH!" AT YOUR MAN.
"WHAT? WHAT?"
BUT YOU DO SOMETHING
DIFFERENT.
YOU DON'T SCREAM,
BUT YOU--YOU, UH...
YOU SAY, LIKE,
REALLY TERRIBLE THINGS
IN HIS EAR
SO ONLY HE CAN HEAR IT,
AND IT STARTS TO, LIKE,
ABRADE AND WHITTLE
HIS SPIRIT DOWN.
LIKE REALLY FOUL STUFF,
BUT NICE, LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOUR MOTHER'S BREATH STINKS."
YOU BE LIKE...
"WHEN'D YOU GET CLOSE
ENOUGH TO MY MO--"
"I DON'T HAVE TO.
"IT STINKS FROM HERE.
AND I'M GONNA FUCK
YOUR FRIEND PHILLIP."
"I'M GONNA FUCK BYRON
AS SOON AS YOU GO TO WORK."
AND THEN,
THIS IS OVER YEARS,
AND YOU JUST--
YOU JUST--
UNTIL ALL YOU GOT LEFT
IS MURDER.
YOU JUST KILL HER,
'CAUSE YOU GOT
NO MORE SPIRIT LEFT.
THE SPIRIT IS GONE.
SERIOUS, MAN.
IF YOU WANT
TO UNDERSTAND MEN, LADIES,
LOOK, I'M HERE FOR YOU.
I'M JUST TELLING YOU
WHAT WE ARE.
WHAT WE ARE,
YOU KNOW, NOT WHO WE ARE.
WHAT WE ARE.
JUST LIKE WHAT WE ARE
THAT MAKES US STRUGGLE.
AND, REALLY,
MEN ARE PERFECT CREATURES,
EXCEPT FOR, YOU KNOW,
ONE...
LIKE, IF MOST WOMEN
WOULD WANT TO BE A MAN
IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO GIVE UP
THAT POWER
THAT YOU HAVE,
WHICH IS OUR WEAKNESS.
THAT'S OUR WEAKNESS.
IT'S VERY DIFFICULT.
I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.
LIKE, I DON'T WANT TO WANT
TO BE WITH OTHER WOMEN EVER.
LIKE, I WANT TO JUST
WALK DOWN THE STREET AND GO,
"I NEVER NEED TO LOOK
AT ANOTHER WOMAN AGAIN,
'CAUSE I'M WITH THE LAST WOMAN
I'M EVER GONNA BE WITH."
AND I'M LIKE...
BUT IT AIN'T REAL.
IT'S JUST...
LIKE, NO GUY WANTS TO CHEAT
AND HURT HIS WOMAN, MAN.
THAT HURTS.
FIRST OF ALL, THINK ABOUT
WHAT CHEATING IS
FOR A SECOND, LADIES.
CHEATING IS A MAN,
HE SNEAKS OUT
OF HIS OWN HOUSE
TO GO, LIKE, FIND SOME HAPPINESS
BEHIND YOUR BACK
SO YOUR FEELINGS
AREN'T HURT.
CHEATING IS FOR YOU.
IT'S NOT...
IT'S NOT FOR ME.
WE DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU.
IF YOU GAVE
A LIE DETECTOR TEST
TO A MAN AND A WOMAN
AND ASKED THEM
THE SAME QUESTIONS, MAN,
WE WOULD PASS THEM BOTH
UP TO A POINT WHERE
IT'S LIKE, HEY,
ASK A WOMAN, "YOU LOVE YOUR MAN?
YOU LOVE YOUR FAMILY?
YOU LOVE YOUR HOME,
YOU LOVE WHAT YOU BUILT?"
"YEP."
"ALL RIGHT, YOU SEE BRAD PITT
OR DENZEL WASHINGTON
"OR WHATEVER
STANDING THERE,
"WOULD YOU RISK EVERYTHING
YOU BUILT WITH YOUR MAN
JUST TO SLEEP WITH HIM?"
AND WOMEN, LOOK, THEY'LL GO
"NAH, I WOULDN'T."
AND THEY'LL PASS THE TEST.
THEY'LL BE LIKE,
"EH, YOU KNOW,
"THEY LOOK GOOD,
BUT I WOULDN'T."
ASK GUYS THE SAME THING,
YOU KNOW, BOOM,
LOVE YOUR WOMAN,
THE KIDS, THE HOU--
"YEAH."
"ALL RIGHT, YOU--
YOU SEE THAT GIRL PASSED OUT
BEHIND THE DUMPSTER?"
"WOULD YOU RISK EVERYTHING
FOR A PASSED-OUT WOMAN
BEHIND A DUMPSTER?"
"I DON'T WANT TO,
BUT LOOK AT HER
WITH GARBAGE ON--SHE LOOKS
SO CUTE WITH GARBAGE ON HER."
YOU EVER DISCUSS
THREESOMES, GORGEOUS?
YOU NEVER HAD
A THREESOME DISCUSSION
WITH YOUR MAN
AFTER TEN YEARS?
LIKE, JUST EVEN TALKED
TO HIM ABOUT IT.
JUST A TALK.
LIKE,
'CAUSE IT'LL MAKE HIM--
WOULDN'T JUST
A NICE THREESOME TALK
MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE,
"OH, MAN, JUST COOL
THAT SHE LETS ME GET
A LITTLE BIT
OF THAT EVIL OUT, RIGHT?"
AND BY THE WAY,
LADIES,
A THREESOME
IS TWO GIRLS AND A GUY.
THE GIRLS BE THINKING,
"WHAT ABOUT?"
TWO GUYS AND A GIRL
IS A TRAIN.
THAT IS...
ME AND HIM.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.
AND HE BETTER NOT
LOOK ME IN THE FACE.
LIKE, WHAT--
"NIGGA, JUST GET
YOUR DICK SUCKED.
WHY ARE YOU
STARING AT ME?"
"LET ME FUCK MY HALF
OF THE TORSO."
"CATCH THIS NIGGA
BLINKIN' AT ME
"WHILE I'M TRYING TO
FUCK MY HALF OF THE BODY.
"DAMN! DAMN, MAN!
NIGGA DON'T HAVE
TRAIN ETIQUETTE."
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
THAT, RIGHT?
WOMEN DON'T RELATE
TO THAT CRAP,
'CAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW MUCH, UH...
TO GET SEX
FOR A GUY, MAN, IT'S HARD.
IT'S HARDER TO FIND--
IT'S HARDER TO GET SEX
THAN IT IS TO FIND LOVE.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
WOMEN HOLD--YOU GOTTA
BE SMOOTH TO GET--
I'M TELLIN' YOU,
TO GET THROUGH THAT,
BECAUSE WOMEN ARE LIKE
THE BEEFEATERS FROM, UH, ENGLAND
WITH THE BIG HATS,
AND THEM DUDES BE...
"WHO GOES THERE?"
YOU TRYING TO, LIKE,
CHARM YOUR WAY INTO THE PALACE,
AND YOU JUST BE LIKE...
"TICKLE, TICKLE, BABY.
TICKLE, TICKLE."
AND SHE'S JUST, "YOU'RE
NOT GONNA GET THROUGH!"
"OH, COME ON."
AND--AND THAT'S SKILL.
WOMEN, YOU DON'T HAVE IT,
'CAUSE YOU DON'T NEED IT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE SWAGGER
TO GET SOME TONIGHT.
YOU DON'T.
YOU CAN JUST POINT
AT IT.
YOU CAN LOOK AT A GUY,
RIGHT, CATCH HIS EYE,
AND GO LIKE THIS,
AND HE'LL GO, "ME?"
AND THEN YOU JUST POINT
RIGHT HERE.
AND DON'T BE SEXY.
DON'T BE LIKE, "OOH."
JUST--
AND HE'LL LOOK AROUND
FOR A MINUTE TO MAKE SURE
IT AIN'T A TRICK, LIKE...
MONSTERS IS GIVING OUT
PUSSY, MAN.
WHAT I'MA DO?
WHAT I'MA DO, SAY NO?
WE'RE LIKE, UH...
I'M TRYING TO, LIKE,
MAKE IT SO WOMEN JUST, LIKE,
UNDERSTAND A LITTLE BIT,
LIKE, JUST TO SYMPATHIZE.
IT'S LIKE WE'RE
LIKE SPORT FISHERMEN.
THIS IS WHAT I'M SAYIN'.
THAT'S WHAT MEN ARE.
WE--I MEAN,
BEING WITH ONE WOMAN...
I MEAN,
FOR REAL, LADIES,
IF YOU JUST SAID THANK YOU
TO YOUR MAN
FOR BEING FAITHFUL.
YOU JUST GO
"THANK YOU, MAN.
THANK YOU FOR FIGHTING."
HE'D BE LIKE, "DAMN."
AND IF YOU--
IF YOU TOLD HIS FRIENDS
THAT YOU THANKED HIM
FOR FIGHTING HARD
AND NOT CHEATING,
HIS FRIENDS WOULD BE LIKE,
"WHAT?"
LIKE, THEY WOULD LOOK AT YOU
LIKE YOU WAS AMAZING.
IT'S SIMPLE.
MEN LIKE TO FISH.
AND SPORT FISHING
IS DIFFERENT
FROM CATCHING
FISH FOR FOOD.
YOU JUST GET IT--
YOU GET IT,
YOU CATCH IT,
AND YOU, YOU KNOW...
YOU SHOW YOUR FRIENDS.
'CAUSE YOU WANT THEM TO KNOW
THAT YOU CAN CATCH FISH.
YOU TAKE
A COUPLE OF PICTURES
SO YOU CAN SHOW PEOPLE
THE FISH
THAT YOU HAVE
THE ABILITY TO CATCH,
AND THEN YOU RELEASE IT
BACK INTO THE WATER.
BUT A LOT OF WOMEN IN HERE,
YOU HAVE BOYFRIENDS
OR HUSBANDS,
YOU WERE FISH THAT JUMPED
BACK ON THE BOAT...
AND JUST WAS, LIKE,
FLAPPING, LOOKING AT ME, LIKE...
"HI.
"I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU'RE GONNA BE
FISHING HERE AGAIN
NEXT WEEK, LIKE..."
"YEAH, FOR OTHER FISH.
GET OFF MY BOAT."
"IS THAT HOW YOU TREAT
ALL THE FISH?"
YOU BE LIKE, "OH, GODDAMN.
"NO, I'M SORRY, SWEETIE,
YOU'RE THE LAST FISH
I EVER WANTED TO BE WITH."
NOW YOU'RE STUCK.
STUCK WITH THE LAST FISH,
WHO WAS LOVING YOU
AND FIGHTING HARD
TO BE ON YOUR BOAT,
THEN SHE GOT COMFORTABLE,
AND NOW,
INSTEAD OF DOING THIS,
SHE'S LIKE, "SO...
"WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER
FOR, LIKE, A YEAR NOW.
WHY DO YOU STILL
HAVE A BOAT?"
YOU BE LIKE...
"SO WHAT YOU TRYING TO SAY,
I CAN'T CATCH FISH NO MORE?"
"WHY DO YOU NEED
TO CATCH A FISH?"
"BECAUSE IF I LOSE MY ABILITY
TO CATCH FISH,
"THEN YOU NOT GONNA
FIND ME SEXY NO MORE,
"SO YOU GOTTA SMELL FISH
ON ME
"SO THAT YOU KNOW
I CAN CATCH FISH
SO YOU CAN ACT RIGHT."
THAT'S LIKE, GUYS,
YOU MEET YOUR GIRL,
SHE WAS A HO.
LIKE, HAD HO--
LIKE SHE, BIG OL' BOOTY
AND THIS AND THAT.
YOU GOTTA LET HER DO THAT.
DON'T START TRYING
TO FRUMP HER UP
AND GET HER FAT
AND GET HER FOUL.
'CAUSE THAT'S
WHY YOU LIKE HER.
I DON'T WANT NO WOMAN
THAT NO OTHER GUY'S
TRYING TO FUCK.
I DON'T WANT A WOMAN
THAT I CAN SEND TO THE STORE
AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING,
'CAUSE NOBODY'S GONNA
TRY TO RAPE HER.
LIKE, I GO,
"GO GET SOME BREAD
AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
"HEY, CUT THROUGH
THE ALLEY, BITCH, 'CAUSE..."
"GIRL, I TALKED
TO THE JUNKIES.
THEY DON'T WANT IT.
THEY DON'T LIKE YOU."
AND I'M JUST--
TO BE FAIR TO WOMEN, UM,
YOU KNOW, IT'S...
LOOK, GOD HAS BEEN
VERY CRUEL TO YOU.
BEING A WOMAN
AS A CREATURE,
I THINK
IT'S JUST UNFAIR.
I WOULDN'T
WANT TO BE A WOMAN.
IT'S JUST...
I MEAN, LIKE, YOUR PERIOD,
LIKE,
I LOOK AT THAT AND--
AND SEE WHAT MY WOMAN
GO THROUGH
EVERY MONTH.
LIKE, IF MY NOSE BLED
EVERY MONTH,
I THINK I WOULD
KILL MYSELF.
I WOULD BE LIKE,
"MOTHER--OH, MY GOD, MAN."
YOU GOTTA STICK SOMETHING
IN YOUR NOSE
WITH A STRING HANGING OUT.
GOTTA TAKE THAT OUT,
WHAT, EVERY SEVEN SECONDS
OR WHATEVER.
AND FIVE DAYS
BEFORE YOUR NOSE BLEEDS,
YOU KNOW
IT'S GONNA BLEED,
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN,
SO YOU JUST
SITTIN' THERE LIKE,
"WHEN IS MY NOSE
"GOING TO START BLEEDING?
OH, MY GOD!"
AND THEN IF YOUR NOSE DON'T
BLEED WHEN IT'S SUPPOSED TO,
YOU'RE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD!
"MY NOSE IS SUPPOSED
TO BE BLEEDING BY NOW!"
"I'MA GO TO THE HOSPITAL
IF IT'S NOT BLEEDING SOON!"
AND Y'ALL GET HORNY
AND...
MY WOMAN GETS HORNY ON HER--
OH, MY GOD.
AND I AIN'T DOWN WITH THAT.
AND I SEE HER FACE,
LIKE IF I WOULD DO IT ONE TIME,
IT PROBABLY
WOULD CHANGE HER LIFE,
LIKE SHE WOULD BE
JUST SO GRATEFUL,
BUT I JUST CAN'T.
SHE'S LIKE, "COME ON.
"YOU KNOW, COME ON.
JUST...
JUST LAY A--COME ON,
LAY A TOWEL OR SOMETHING DOWN."
AND I WAS GONNA DO IT
ONE TIME,
BUT THEN I GOOGLED
THE WHOLE CYCLE.
THERE'S ALL KIND OF STUFF
HAP--I DON'T...
I SHARPENED A MOP STICK.
EVERY MONTH,
I JUST POKE HER,
I GO, "YAH! GET BACK!
"YAH! BACK!
GET IN THE CLOSET!
GET OUT OF HERE!"
SLIDE HER SOME RAW MEAT
UNDER THE DOOR.
"EAT THAT FOR A WEEK!
HA! GET BACK!"
IT'S SHOCKING.
LIKE, I KNOW,
LOOK, LIKE I SAID, I'M 40.
I CAN FEEL...
I CAN FEEL MY SEX DRIVE,
RIGHT?
I STILL LOVE WOMEN,
BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE--
I DON'T FEEL LIKE HAVING SEX
LIKE THAT.
BUT I STILL LOVE
LOOKING AT 'EM, LIKE, "OH."
BUT HERE'S WHAT GOD
DID FOR MEN.
HE TURNED MY HORNINESS
INTO CREEPINESS.
LIKE, SO...
I CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME
SITTING AT THE MALL
WATCHING CHICKS TRYIN'
ON SNEAKERS AT THE FOOT LOCKER,
WITH THE CREEPY FACE, LIKE...
MMM!
I'M GOOD FOR THE DAY.
BUT WOMEN,
YOU DON'T GET CREEPY.
YOU GET HORNIER
AS YOU GET OLDER.
IT'S WEIRD,
YOU WANT TO DO ALL YOUR SEXIN'
BETWEEN THE AGES
OF 30 AND 50.
THAT'S WHEN YOU WANT IT.
BUT HERE'S HOW SAD
THINGS ARE.
THE VALUE OF VAGINA'S ONLY GOOD
FROM 18 TO 29.
PUSSY GET OLD LIKE BREAD,
NOT LIKE WINE. IT--
I DON'T WANT THE WAITER TO BRING
ME A VINTAGE GLASS OF TWAT.
HE'D BE LIKE,
"WOULD YOU LIKE A
"'52 LE STINKY VAGINA
FROM THE FUNK-FUNK REGION?"
YOU'D BE LIKE, "UGH!
"YOU AIN'T GOT A BETTER YEAR
THAN THAT?
"YOU AIN'T GOT A..."
"GOT A '89 DOWN THERE?
GIVE ME A '89.
"I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS.
WATER, JUST '89."
I'M NOT SAYING
YOU NOT SEXY IF YOU--
IF YOU 40 OR WHATEVER.
I'M NOT--
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, WHATEVER.
I'M JUST SAYING
20 IS JUST...
20.
20.
WHO'S 20 DOWN HERE?
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
OLDER THAN 20?
I HEAR IT IN YOUR VOICE.
YOU SOUND LIKE YOU
CHEW CIGARETTES.
SHE'S JUST LIKE...
AS CUTE AS YOU ARE,
YOU CAN HEAR IT.
"I'M OLDER THAN 20."
'CAUSE WOMEN
WHO ARE NOT 20--
DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED?
SHE RAISED HER HAND FAST.
"20! YAY!"
"AHEM, UM..."
"OLDER THAN 20."
20 YEARS--GOD.
I BET YOU YOUR PUSSY
TASTES LIKE HOPE.
I'M SORRY.
THAT WAS JUST RIDICULOUS.
BUT THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
40-YEAR-OLD COOCH AND 20,
IT'S THE AMOUNT OF TIME
I WAIT. THAT'S IT.
20, I WAIT FOREVER.
JUST WAIT IN THE CORNER,
LIKE, "OH, IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
I AM GOING TO WAIT
FOR THIS 20-YEAR-OLDNESS."
40, I--
A DATE.
TWO DATES.
TWO DATES,
AND THEN YOU GOTTA START
ROLLIN' THEM OLD DRAWERS DOWN.
FROM WHERE IT IS,
PULLED UP TO THE BRA.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE NOT SEXY
IF YOU'RE 40--
I'M NOT. I'M JUST SAYING,
IT'S THE TIME, THAT'S IT.
LIKE, I WANT IT NOW.
IF I'M WILLING TO EAT
SOME STALE CRACKER JACKS,
I'LL EAT
SOME STALE CRACKER JACKS,
BUT I WANT 'EM RIGHT NOW.
IF I SAY, "HAND ME THEM STALE
CRACKER JACKS RIGHT THERE,"
AND YOU GO,
"COME AND GET 'EM,"
I'LL BE LIKE,
"JUST THROW 'EM
ON THE FLOOR.
"THEY OLD.
THE BOX IS OPEN
"THERE'S NO PRIZE
IN IT.
WHERE THE MAGNIFYING GLASS?"
"ONE PEANUT?
GET THAT--GET OUT OF HERE!"
MAKING ME CRAWL AROUND
FOR OLD CRACKER JACKS.
AND YOU WILL LAUGH AT THAT,
LADIES, IF
IT'S JUST NOT FUN
FOR YOU.
NOTHING'S FUN.
SEX ISN'T FUN.
SEX IS SO MUCH FUN
FOR DUDES.
'CAUSE WE GOT
A MONEY SHOT.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SEE--
THE--THE--FEELING.
LIKE, WE BOTH
HAVE ORGASMS.
UHH! UHH!
BUT MEN HAVE A RECEIPT.
LIKE, WE...
WE SEE IT,
AND IT'S A PAYOFF.
YOU BE LIKE,
"I AM SATISFIED,
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
LOOK AT IT."
YOU DON'T THINK
YOU'D BE HAPPIER, LADIES,
IF YOU COULD JUST
HAVE A--
IF YOU COULD JUST SHOOT
A COUPLE OF EGGS
IN A GUY'S FACE?
YOU JUST--FFF! FFF!--
RIGHT ON TOP
OF HIS FOREHEAD?
YOU WANT TO BE HAPPIER?
GET ON--FFF! UNH!
AND HE'S JUST SITTING THERE.
FFF! "UNH!"
AND YOU GO,
"AW, THAT FELT GOOD!
GO IN THE BATHROOM
AND WASH YOUR FACE."
HE'S WALKING
TO THE BATHROOM...
"OHH!"
WIPING HIS EYES.
"WHY ARE YOU SO AGGRESSIVE?"
YOU LIKE,
"SHUT UP, FAGGOT, AND...
HURRY UP AND MAKE ME
A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH."
CALL YOUR FRIENDS
ON THE PHONE,
"I JUST EGGED
ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD."
"DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS
OUR BUSINESS!"
"SHUT UP!
SHE ALREADY KNOWS
I EGG ON THE TOP
OF YOUR HEAD ALREADY."
HEY, I GOTTA GO, MAN.
Y'ALL TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU GUYS.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
APPRECIATE IT.
- THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
I'M THANKING ONE
IN PARTICULAR.
BAD TITTIES
IN THE FRONT ROW.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU,
AUDIENCE COORDINATOR,
FOR PUTTING THOSE TITTIES
UP IN THE FRONT ROW.
GOD BLESS YOU.
THOSE ARE DISTRACTING ME.
I WAS S'POSED TO COME OUT,
"OH, HEY, HELLO."
HENH.
MEH.
MEH, MEH.
MEH, YEAH.
OH, Y'ALL HERE?
YEH, HUH, MEH.
YOU LOOK LOVELY, THOUGH,
BY THE WAY.
YES, YOU DO.
YES, YOU DO.
CONGRATULATIONS, MY FRIEND.
I'M GLAD Y'ALL HERE.
IT'S VERY GOOD.
YO, CONGRATULATIONS
TO YOU, MY FRIEND.
LOOK AT THAT WHITE WOMAN
YOU'RE WITH.
GOD DAMN!
THAT NIGGA BEHIND YOU
GOING, "YEAH, SON,
I'M WIT' MY GIRL,
BUT YO, FOR REAL?"
THAT WHITE WOMAN'S AMAZING,
ISN'T SHE?
TELL THE TRUTH!
HE'S WIT'
HIS BLACK GIRLFRIEND,
LIKE, "NAW, I DON'T--
I DON'T KNOW."
BUT THAT,
SHE'S HIGH LEVEL.
THAT'S A HIGH LEVEL
WHITE WOMAN RIGHT THERE.
THAT WHITE WOMAN IS--
THAT IS--
MAN, OH, MAN, OH, MAN!
BLACK WOMAN GET MAD
AT THAT.
BUT THAT IS TOP SHELF
WHITE WOMAN RIGHT THERE.
YOU KNOW HOW YOU CAN TELL
HOW PRETTY
A WHITE WOMAN IS?
THE VALUE?
YOU LOOK AT HER,
AND THEN YOU WONDER HOW LONG
THEY WOULD LOOK FOR HER
IF SHE WAS MISSING.
COME ON, TAKE A LOOK.
TAKE A LOOK.
LOOK AT THIS NIGGA LOOKIN'.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK!
OO-OOOOO.
I SAW YOU LOOK MAD, SWEETIE.
HOW LONG,
IF YOU WAS MISSIN',
HOW LONG YOU THINK
THEY WOULD--
HOW LONG YOU THINK--
EXAC--
SHE DON'T EVEN--
SHE WENT--
YOU KNOW THE DEAL.
I AIN'T SAYING
NOTHIN' WRONG.
WHITE WOMAN'S LIFE
IS VALUABLE.
WHAT'S HIS NAME,
JORAN VAN DER SLOOT?
RIGHT?
WE FOUND OUT HE WAS
A SERIAL KILL--
MAN, HE KILLS WOMEN.
THAT'S WHAT HE DO.
HE DO IT WELL,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WE KNOW THE GIRL
THAT HE--
THAT HE, YOU KNOW,
SUPPOSEDLY HAD, UH--
WHAT'S THE GIRL
IN ARUBA?
NATALEE HOLLOWAY.
RIGHT?
BUT THE ONE--
HE JUST KILLED A GIRL IN PERU.
WHAT'S HER NAME?
UM...
EXACTLY.
LOOK HOW FAST
YOU SAID NATALEE.
YOU SAID NATALEE!
* NATALEE-E-E
* HOLLOWA-A-A-AY
* THAT ANGELLLL
Y'ALL SAID THAT
LIKE FAMILY FEUD.
A'IGHT, NAME A WHITE GIRL
BEEN MISSING
FOR FIVE YEARS
IN ARUBA.
FF--NATALEE HOLLOWAY!
SURVEY SAYS...
NAME A PERUVIAN GIRL
THAT WAS KILLED YESTERDAY.
WHAT IS THAT BIG-HEAD,
THIRD WORLD
PERUVIAN BITCH'S NAME?
HAS TO BE YORRIS
OR SOMETHING GOOFY.
DON'T GET MAD
AT YOURSELF.
I GAVE IT TO YOU.
YOU SAW HOW FAST
SHE SAID NATALEE HOLLOWAY.
DIANA ROSS RIGHT HERE
SAID NAT--
SHE KNEW HER NAME!
HA!
"THAT WHITE GIRL
WAS NATALEE HOLLOWAY!"
MAN, YOU CAUGHT YOURSELF
A WHOO!
GOD BLESS YOU, MAN.
THAT IS HIGH LEVEL,
RIGHT THERE.
DON'T BE ASHAMED
OF IT, GORGEOUS.
SHE MAD AS HELL.
"FUCK THAT WHITE BITCH.
NUH, NUH, NUH."
YOU KNOW--COME ON.
COME ON.
AIN'T NOBODY LOOKIN'
FOR YOU.
I MIGHT LOOK FOR YA.
BUT THE NEWS AIN'T.
YOU--
YOU THINK FOX
IS REPORTING YOU MISSING?
LET'S BE HONEST.
NANCY GRACE?
SHE LEAD STORY
ON NANCY GRACE
FOR THE NEXT SIX MONTHS.
LOOK AT 'ER.
LOOK, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
I'M LOOKIN' AT HER
'CAUSE SHE MAD AS HELL.
BLACK WOMAN DON'T LIKE
THAT SHIT.
BUT IT IS WHAT IT IS.
LET'S BE--
AIN'T GOTTA BE LIKE THAT.
LET'S JUST--
LET'S BE HONEST.
THAT LITTLE GIRL
THAT WENT MISSING, UM--
SHE WAS SAILING?
LITTLE GIRL THAT WENT SAILING,
OH, FORGOT HER DAMN NAME.
BUT SHE WENT SAILING
AND WENT MISSIN'
IN THE INDIAN OCEAN, OKAY?
AND THEY SPENT...
GOOD LORD.
HER MAST BROKE,
AND SHE WAS FLOATIN' AROUND.
AND SHE GAVE OUT
HER LITTLE SIGNAL,
HER BEACON.
THEY LOOKED FOR HER--
THEY SPENT $500,000,
LIKE, TAX MONEY,
TO SEARCH FOR HER.
NOW, IF THAT'S
MY DAUGHTER,
I WANT THAT
TO HAPPEN TOO.
BUT--BUT...
IF YOU GO SAILING...
LET'S BE HONEST,
HOW LONG YOU THINK--
ARE THEY GONNA SPEND FIVE--
COME ON.
REMEMBER--
HEY, REMEMBER
FOOTBALL PLAYERS IN MIAMI
WENT MISSING?
THEY WENT SAILING.
THEY LOOKED FOR THEM
FOR EIGHT MINUTES.
MAYBE.
THEY JUST SENT SOMEBODY
AT THE EDGE OF THE BEACH.
"I DON'T--
"I DON'T SEE 'EM.
"WE HAVE TO CALL OFF
THE SEARCH
"'CAUSE THERE'S
TOO MUCH SUN.
"UH, THIS SUN,
"THE CONDITIONS
ARE ABNORMALLY...
DIFFICULT."
IF I GO SAILING,
I'M TAKING A WHITE BABY
ON A KEYCHAIN
WITH ME.
HA, HA!
IF MY BOAT GO DOWN,
THEY GON' FIND ME.
I'MA HAVE IT HOOKED
RIGHT TO THE SIDE
OF MY BELT.
AND I'MA DRESS THE BABY
REAL WHITE TOO.
I'MA, UH, PUT SWEATPANTS
ON IT
AND A PAIR OF UGG BOOTS,
AND I'MA TAKE A PICTURE.
LOOK AT THIS WHITE BABY.
YOU DON'T COME GET ME,
THIS WHITE BABY
GOIN' DOWN WITH ME.
I HATE HOW MUCH FUN
BLACK PEOPLE CAN HAVE
RACIALLY, MAN.
IT'S JUST--
I CAN SAY ANYTHING
I GODDAMN WANT, RACIALLY.
AND WHITE PEOPLE
HAVE TO SIT THERE AND TAKE IT.
"YEAH, OH,
I AM EVIL, YES."
SEE, IT'S LIKE,
COME ON, MAN.
I-I DON'T EVEN SAY IT
'CAUSE OF THAT.
I, LIKE--
I-I-I LOVE--
I LOVE A LITTLE RACIAL--
LOOK, MAN, YOU KNOW.
LET'S BE FAIR.
I MEAN--
HONESTY'D BE NICER
WITH THE RACIAL GAME.
I MEAN, IT--IT--IT--
I LIKE TO ST--HO--
YOU KNOW, WHITE PEOPLE
ABOUT BEING HONEST
ABOUT, UH, OBAMA.
YOU GAVE IT A SHOT.
YOU DID.
YOU GAVE IT A TWO-YEAR SHOT.
LIKE, "OH, YEAH, I TRIED.
I TRIED TO--
WE TRIED TO--"
BUT YOU--
IT'S NOT--
IT'S NOT--IT'S JUST F--
IT FELL APART.
IT REALLY--
IT REALLY DID.
AND I'MA TELL YOU SOMETHING
YOU DON'T KNOW
ABOUT BLACK FOLKS.
WE WOULD BE ON YOUR SIDE,
UH, YOU KNOW,
TALKIN' TO WHITE PEOPLE.
WE WOULD BE ON YOUR SIDE
A LOT MORE
IF YOU WOULD, UH,
YOU KNOW,
JUST NOT EVER TALK
ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL
ABOUT ANYTHING RACIAL.
WE'LL CATCH UP TO YOU.
NOW, SERIOUS.
'CAUSE BLACK PEOPLE
ON THE EDGE
OF GOING, "WHAT THE FUCK
IS OBAMA DOING?"
BUT IT'S TOO MANY
WHITE PEOPLE
OUTWARDLY HATING HIM,
SO WE CAN'T.
WE GO,
"IF YOU SHUT THE FUCK--
IF YOU SHUT UP,
I'LL BE YOUR GANGSTA."
I'M LIKE, "STOP--
STOP HAVING RALLIES
AND ALL KINDS OF STUFF."
I'M TELLING YOU,
I'M THIS CLOSE TO--
I'M MAD AT HIM
'CAUSE I THOUGHT I WOULD HAVE
A WHITE SLAVE BY NOW.
I THOUGHT--
I THOUGHT IT WAS
VENGEANCE DAY.
THOUGHT I'D HAVE ME
A WHITE FAMILY.
BIG OL' FAT WHITE GIRL
GON' WARM MY BED UP.
"GET UPSTAIRS, SUSAN.
"WARM MY BED UP.
"FEED MY BABY
WIT' YOUR GIANT WHITE TITTIES.
"AND I'M GONNA GO OUTSIDE
"AND STARE YOUR HUSBAND
IN THE FACE
AND DECIDE WHETHER I'M GONNA
SELL HIM OR NOT."
"NOW, YOU KNOW
YOUR WIFE'S UPSTAIRS,
"WARMIN' UP MY BED.
"YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT?
PH--PH--PHILLIP."
THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE,
ISN'T IT?
THAT'S UNCOM--
THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.
I APOLOGIZE.
THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE.
CAN'T WE MOVE ON?
WE'LL MOVE ON.
WE'LL MOVE ON TO SOMETHIN'.
THEY DON'T EVEN LIKE THAT
IN PLAY.
THAT'S UNCOMFORTABLE, RIGHT?
TO THINK ABOUT THAT?
BUT YOU KNOW.
WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
I LIKE HAVIN'--
LOOK, DAY--
MY DAYS ARE NUMBERED.
SO I JUST WANNA HAVE
AS MUCH FUN AS POSSIBLE,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M--I'M 40,
AND, UH,
AND THAT'S--THAT'S--
THAT'S YOUNG
IN EVERYONE ELSE YEARS.
BUT, UH, IN BLACK YEARS--
I GOT, YOU KNOW,
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE.
DIABETES.
I AM, UH--
IF YOU DO THE BLACK-TO-WHITE
LIFE RATIO,
I'M A HUNDRED...
AND SEVENTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD.
I'M OLD AS A MOTHERFU--
I'M OLD.
AND I WANNA LIVE,
BUT HERE'S WHERE
I MESSED UP.
I MESSED UP MY YOUNG YEARS.
AND I REALIZED SOMETHING.
I'MA TELL YOU,
IF YOU'RE OVER 40,
AND YOU'RE TRYING
TO BETTER YOURSELF,
JUST--JUST STO--
I--IT--JUST--JUST--
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BETTER YOURSELF.
AND WHEN I SAY
YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BETTER YOURSELF,
I MEAN BETTER YOURSELF
LIKE GO BACK TO WHEN--
YOU TRY TO CAPTURE
THE THINGS YOU USED TO DO
WHEN YOU SUPPOSED
TO HAD DID IT,
BUT YOU DIDN'T DO IT.
YOU FEEL ME?
SO THE STUFF THAT
YOU WERE 18
AND DIDN'T DO,
NOW YOU'RE 40,
AND YOU'RE GOING,
"I'M GONNA MAKE A CHAN--"
IT'S JUST--
IT NOTHIN' MAKE ME SICK
MORE THAN SOMEBODY 40
AND SAY THEY IN SCHOOL.
LIKE, "WHAT YOU DOING?"
"I'M--I'M GOING TO SCHOOL,
BLAH."
"YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG TO--
NEVER TOO OLD,
AND NEVER TOO BL-BL-BL."
WHOLE BUNCH OF SAYINGS.
SHUT THE FU--
THE FUCK UP
WIT' YOUR OLD HORSE SHIT.
'CAUSE IT AIN'T--
YOU'RE OLD.
YOUR BRAIN DON'T WORK.
YOUR BODY DON'T WORK.
YOU CAN'T CHANGE
YOUR ETHIC.
THERE MIGHT BE
TWO OF YOU
THAT CHANGED YOUR ETHIC.
LIKE THESE FAT PEOPLE SHOWS
THAT ARE ON TV.
WHERE THEY GOT PEOPLE,
"UUGGGH."
SOON AS THAT SHOW
IS OVER,
THEY'RE FAT AGAIN.
BIG FAT FATS.
FATTY, THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE.
I WENT TO EXERCISE RECENTLY,
AND I TRIED TO CHANGE
MY LIFE
AND EXERCISE.
AFTER I FINISHED,
I WAS SAYING TO MYSELF,
"I GOTTA DO THIS TOMORROW?"
LIKE, NOTHING CHANGED.
I STILL GOT S--
A LUMP.
I DON'T CARE
WHAT IT WAS.
SOMETHING SHOULDA CHANGED.
NOTHING.
AND I GOTTA KEEP DOING THIS
UNTIL MAYBE I SEE
A CHANGE.
I JUST CAN'T.
I DON'T HAVE
THAT ETHIC ANYMORE.
I SHOULDA DID IT
WHEN I WAS 18 YEARS OLD.
LIKE, I CAN'T TYPE.
BUT I DIDN'T REALIZE
HOW IMPORTANT TYPING WAS
TILL RIGHT NOW.
I FUCKED UP
ALL MY GOOD TYPING YEARS
CALLING PEOPLE GAY
WHO WAS GOING
TO TYPING CLASS.
IT WAS, LIKE,
ME AND SIX OTHER DUDES, LIKE,
"WHAT YOU DOING, TYP--
"YOU WANNA BE A SECRETARY?
WHAT THE--?
"WHAT KINDA PUSSY--?
"MAN, MAN,
COME ON, MAN.
LET'S GO, UH, STEAL BREAD."
WE USED TO GO STEAL BREAD
AND LUNCHMEAT
FROM THE SUPERMARKET
AND MAKE SANDWICHES
AND SELL 'EM
DURING TYPING CLASS.
AND NOW I CAN'T TYPE.
IF YOU CAN'T TYPE,
AND YOU TRY TO BE
IN A WORLD
WITH PEOPLE WHO CAN,
YOU--YOU--
YOU FEEL IRRELEVANT.
YOU STOP, YOU KNOW?
YOU SAY HELLO TO SOME WOMAN
ON THE INTERNET.
"HI."
AND SHE COME BACK
WITH THE SEVEN-PAGE MEMO.
LIKE, "HELLO," WHAP!
YOU BE LIKE, REALLY?
FOR REAL?
ALL THOSE WORDS?
YOU SAW ME TYPE, "HELLO."
AND I YELLED IT,
EVIDENTLY.
I--IN BIG LETTERS,
IT WAS SAYING HELLO.
REALLY, SERIOUSLY,
YOU THINK I SAID,
"HELLO! HIIII, BITCH!
HIIIII!"
IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK
I DID, FOR REAL?
YEAH, REALLY?
JUST SEND SMILEY FACES,
THAT'S ALL I DO.
I KNOW SMILEY EMOTICONS.
I KNOW.
I LOVE THOSE.
LIKE, I CAN'T SPELL--
IF I HAD TO SPELL RESTAURANT,
TO THIS DAY, RIGHT,
TO SAVE MY MAMA'S LIFE,
LIKE, IF--
LIKE IF SOMEBODY HELD
MY MAMA HOSTAGE
AND HAD A GUN
TO HER HEAD, RIGHT,
AND SAYS,
"NIGGA, SPELL RESTAURANT.
"MAN, I WILL--
I'MA SHOOT YOUR MOTHER
IN THE HEAD."
I'D BE LIKE--
I WOULD LOOK
AT MY MOTHER LIKE,
"UH, I LOVE YOU.
YOU BETTER LOOK
AT ME, MA."
SHE'S CRYING, "WAHHH."
"UNDERSTAND THAT I--
I LOVE YOU
WITH ALL MY HEART."
"STOP STALLIN', NIGGA!"
"OKAY, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
"ALL RIGHT!"
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
R-E-S-T...
OH, MY GOD.
HERE'S WHERE IT GETS--
OH, JESUS CHRIST.
UH...
THERE'S A OOH--
IT'S A OOH--UH--
REST-OOH.
STOOOOOH-RANT.
RAH-WENT.
R-RRRRUANT.
IS THE--IT'S AN A OR A U.
"A'IGHT, GIMME ANOTHER--
"GIMME ANOTHER WORD, MAN.
"GIMME ANOTHER WORD.
ONE MORE WORD.
"JUST GIVE MY MOTHER
A CHANCE TO LIVE.
"'TOMORROW'?
SHIT, SHIT, SHIT."
"PROBABLY"?
GOD DA--
"BANANA"?
A'IGHT, BANANA, BANANA.
B-A-N--
B-A-N-N--
A-N-N-N--
IS IT--
AIN'T THERE, LIKE,
SEVEN Ns IN "BANANA"?
B-A-N-N-A-N-N...
A-N-N-N-N....
A-A-N-A?
N-A?
I'M, UH, IRRELEVANT.
HOW OLD ARE YOU, BRO?
- 35.
- 35, FIVE YEARS.
EH.
HOW YOU FEELING?
YOU FEELING--
YOU FEELING A'IGHT?
YOU FEEL LIKE
THESE YOUNG GUYS
OF, YOU KNOW--
YOU A FOOTBALL FAN?
ALL YOUR--
YOUR WHOLE LIFE?
YOU NOTICE HOW FOOTBALL'S
WHACK NOW?
THINGS ARE CHANGING.
IT SEEMS LIKE--
LOOK, THIS--THIS MAY BE
OLD THINKING, OKAY?
NOW, WHEN I CAME UP--
YOU A FOOTBALL FAN?
NO?
THAT'S A--LIKE--
HE'S NOT.
LIKE, WHAT DUDE, LIKE--
THAT SHOCKED ME.
LIKE, DUDES ARE FOOTBALL FANS.
"OH, I DON'T.
IT'S A LITTLE TOO VIOLENT."
LIKE--
LIKE--
FOOTBALL...
IT'S NOT LIKE THE GAME IT--
WHEN I CAME UP, DUDE,
FOOTBALL WAS A GLA--
IT WAS GLADIATORS.
IT WAS ANGRY.
IT WAS ANGRY.
IT WAS JUST--
LIKE, WHEN WE HIT SOMEBODY,
WHEN I PLAYED,
IF YOU HIT SOMEBODY
AND HE DIDN'T GET UP,
LIKE, WE DIDN'T HOLD HANDS
WITH THE--
WITH THE OTHER TEAM
AND PRAY.
LIKE, HOLD HANDS AND ALL--
EVERYONE PRAYS FOR HIM
TO GET UP.
WE USED TO DO
A INDIAN, LIKE,
SELL A HUMP DANCE CIRCLE
AROUND HIM, LIKE,
"MAN, LOOK AT YOU.
UH, UH."
I BE LIKE--
AND OUR CROWD'S LIKE,
* HE'S PARA-LY-YZED
THAT'S RIGHT.
HO, HO, HO!
WE BE LOOKIN'
FOR HIS MOTHER CRYING,
LIKE, "THAT'S RIGHT, LADY.
"THAT'S WHAT YOU GET
FOR LETTIN' HIM OUT HERE
"WITH KILLERS.
"HE CAN'T EVEN WIGGLE
HIS TOES.
"TAKE HIS SOCKS.
TAKE HIS SOCKS."
AND WE WOULD TIE HIS SOCKS
AROUND OUR HELMET
FOR THE NEXT WEEK'S--
LIKE, THE NEXT TEAM.
THEY KNEW,
"AWWW, THAT'S THE TEAM
"THAT BE TYIN'
PARALYZED NIGGAS' SOCKS
AROUND THEY HELMETS
TO SCARE 'EM NEXT WEEK."
AND THEN--
IT AIN'T LIKE...
WE WERE THINKING
ABOUT HARMING SOMEBO--
IT'S JUST,
THAT'S WHAT WE DID.
RIGHT?
OH, LOOK AT THIS GUY, JUST--
LOOK AT THIS FUCKIN' CREW
RIGHT HERE.
YOU GUYS ARE HILARIOUS.
YOU OKAY, GUY?
YOU ALL RIGHT?
YOU LATE FOR SOME TEST
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
AT 1:00 IN THE MORNING?
HUH, INTELLIGENCE FACE?
ARE YOU A BIG FOOTBALL FAN?
YOU LIKE FOOTBALL?
YEAH.
YOU ARE?
SORTA?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I THINK YOU SAW ME
TEASE THIS GUY.
I'M JUST TRYIN' TO GET US
TO UNDERSTAND, MAN,
THAT YOU THE FUTURE, OKAY?
I'M DONE.
BUT THEY'RE TAKIN' AWAY--
I'M A NEANDERTHAL, OKAY?
THEY'RE TAKING AWAY
WHAT I USED TO JUST
AUTOMATICALLY THINK AND FEEL,
AND NOW THEY'RE JUST
TAKING IT AWAY FROM YOU,
SO NOW EVEN YOU LOOK
AT DUDES LIKE ME,
LIKE, OLDER DUDES,
AND GO, "OH, YOU'RE--"
IT'S LIKE SELF-POLICING.
MEN GO, "OH, THAT'S NOT--
YOU SHOULDN'T--
SSS."
LIKE, "INAPPROPRIATE"
IS A VAGINAL WORD.
LIKE, THAT'S NOT A WORD.
"THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE."
LIKE, IS THAT COMING
FROM A MAN?
LIKE, WOMEN SAY THAT.
THAT'S WOMEN'S JOB,
IS TO SAY,
"THAT'S JUST--THAT'S--"
LIKE, THAT'S--
MEN ARE SUPPOSED TO DO--
WE'RE HERE
TO DO FOUL THINGS
AND HAVE YOU GO, "OHHH!"
BUT NOW WHAT'S--
WHERE'S THE BALANCE?
SEE, IT'S--IT'S--
IT'S YING AND YANG.
THE BALANCE, IT--
YOU--YOU GOTTA LIVEN UP.
YOU GOTTA BE
A LITTLE MORE--
IS THAT YOUR WOMAN
RIGHT THERE?
SEE, SEE GUYS?
SEE HOW COMFORTABLE YOU ARE?
YOU SHOULDN'T BE
AS COMFORTABLE AS YOU ARE.
YOU JUST--YOU CAN SEE HIM
SITTIN' UP,
UNNNGH, STRAIGHT.
AND YOU'RE JUST LOOKIN'--
HE'S JUST LIKE--
"HUH-HUH, HOO-HOO,
WHATEVER YOU LAUGH AT,
I'LL LAUGH AT."
IT'S NOT A GOOD THING,
BROTHER.
I FEEL IT.
DON'T GET MAD AT ME NOW.
HE'S LIKE, "FUCK YOU,
FAT F--BOY."
"CAN'T TYPE OR READ,
HUH, FAT MAN?"
I'M JUST SAYIN', MAN.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TYPE,
BUT I DO KNOW
WHAT I'M TELLING YOU.
I'M JUST--JUST--
IT'S, UH--
LIKE, LADIES, LET'S DISCUSS.
I MEAN, LOOK.
LET'S DISCUSS HARASSMENT.
FOR A SECOND.
LET'S JUST--
YOU FEEL IT A LITTLE BIT?
LIKE, LET'S JUST DISCUSS IT.
WHY CAN'T...
I HARASS YOU?
SOMETIMES.
SOMETIMMMMES.
I CAN NEVER HARASS YOU?
NEVER?
AND I'M NOT TALKIN' ABOUT--
ARRRGH!
OOGA-BOOGA!
LIKE, I'M TALKIN' JUST...
AT THE JOB.
IT'S UNFAIR
THAT I CAN'T HARASS YOU
AT THE WORKPLACE.
LIKE--
YOU LOOKIN'
HOW YOU LOOKIN',
AND I CAN'T JUST--
A LITTLE SOMETHIN'
THAT HAS TO DO--
LIKE, YOU GOTTA BE CAREFUL
JUST TO SAY,
"HEY, YOU LOOK
BEAUTIFUL TODAY."
THAT'S HOW MESSED UP
THE GAME IS.
I THINK YOU SHOULD BE ABLE
TO COMMENT
ON ANY PART OF THE BODY
THAT YOU SEE.
IF YOU--
I'M SERIOUS.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
JEANNIE.
NOW, JEANNIE, NO DISRESPECT.
BUT IF I WORK
WITH YOU,
I SHOULD BE ABLE
TO WALK IN AND GO,
"OH, JEANNIE, BEAUTIFUL, UH,
TITTY MEAT
YOU HAVE THERE."
AND--
'CAUSE I SEE THAT.
BUT WHATEVER
THE SCIENTIFIC TERM IS--
I'M LOOKING AT MR. F--
HEY, 4.9 GRADE POINT AVERAGE,
WHAT'S THE--
WHAT'S THE SCIENCE TERM
FOR, UH, T--THE TITTY MEAT.
WHAT'S THE ACTUAL--
AND IT'S NOT THE CLEAVAGE.
I MEAN, THE CLEAVAGE IS
THE SPACE IN THE MIDDLE.
I'M TALKING 'BOUT THE MEAT.
THE MEAT, THE TITTY PART.
AND I'M NOT BEIN' FOUL.
JUST, YOU KNOW,
WHOA.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
JUST SO I CAN GO
THROUGH THE REST OF THE DAY
WITHOUT PRETENDING...
THAT I DON'T SEE
WHAT--WHAT YOU--
YOU--YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
I MEAN,
LET'S WORK OUT A DEAL.
DON'T GET ME F-FIRED.
HAVING WOMEN WORK
WITH MEN, RIGHT,
IS LIKE HAVING A GRIZZLY BEAR
WORK WITH SALMON.
DIPPED IN HONEY.
LIKE, SO--
NOW, YOU DIP THE SALMON
IN THE HONEY, RIGHT?
GRIZZLY BEARS--
AND THE SALMON GET
TO WALK THROUGH, COMFORTABLE,
WITH HONEY AND FISH,
AND, "GOOD MORNING,
GRIZZLY BEARS."
AND THE GRIZZLY BEARS
IS LIKE,
"HEY."
IT AIN'T EVEN--
HE CAN'T EVEN GROWL.
LIKE, "RAAWWWRR,
WHAT'S UP, FISH?"
"OH, MY GOD, HUMAN RESOURCES.
THE GRIZZLY BEAR JUST DID
GRIZZLY BEAR STUFF."
SO--
SO--
LIKE, I CAN'T EVEN GO,
"HEY, GOOD MORNING.
"GOOD MORNING, FISH.
GOOD MORNING.
OHHH."
I CAN'T TOUCH YOU.
LIKE, "OHHH, LOOK AT THAT.
"OOH, I'MA JUST GET
A LITTLE BIT OF THAT FISH
"FOR A LITTLE BIT.
"LEMME GET THAT HONEY.
"OH, MY GOD, MMMM.
"FISH AND HONEY, MAN.
"THAT'S MY FAVORITE.
"USUALLY I KILL FISH
AND EAT 'EM AND STUFF,
"BUT I JUST WANTED
TO JUST RUB THAT--
"RUB A LITTLE BIT
OF THAT.
"MM.
GOD DAMN."
THAT'S OPPRESSIVE.
LIKE, YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN--
AND THERE'S CAMERAS
EVERYWHERE.
YOU CAN'T DO,
LIKE, WEIRD STUFF
BEHIND HER BACK, LIKE--
WHY WOULD IT BE DISRESPECTFUL
IF I SAID--
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
TYRELLE.
IF I GO, "HEY, TYRELLE,
WE WORK TOGETHER."
AND I GO, "TYRELLE,
HEY, DO ME A FAVOR.
"LET ME KNOW
WHEN YOU GETTIN' UP
"TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
SO I CAN SNIFF YOUR CHAIR."
THAT'S DISRESPECTFUL
BECAUSE IT'S SEXUAL.
BUT THAT KEEPS ME
FROM BEING--
LIKE, I THINK--LOOK.
I THINK THERE SHOULD BE
A HOLIDAY.
FOR LACK
OF A BETTER WORD,
HARASSMENT DAY.
BUT NOT--
THAT SOUNDS WHATEVER.
BUT I MEAN A DAY
WHERE I GET TO FIND OUT--
LIKE--BECAUSE--
AND THIS IS WHY
IT SHOULD BE
HARASSMENT DAY,
BECAUSE WOMEN GET TO BE
INAPPROPRIATE SEXUALLY
ALL THE TIME.
YOU GET TO BE INAPPROPRIATE.
AND WHEN I SAY INAPPROPRIATE,
I MEAN SAY HELLO TO ME
TOO CLOSE.
"HI!"
MMM-MEH.
OR SOME WEIRD MASSAGE
'CAUSE YOU THINK
WE'RE FRIENDS,
AND YOU,
"GOOD MORNING,"
A LITTLE KISS,
AND HE'S JUST LIKE,
"OHHH.
"OH, BOY, OH, BOY.
BOY, BOY, BOY."
AND YOU THINK
IN YOUR HEAD, MAN,
"I WONDER IF I--
I WONDER IF I, YOU KNOW--"
BUT HARASSMENT DAY
ALLOWS YOU
TO BE ABLE TO ASK.
ALL YEAR, I SAY THE TUESDAY
BEFORE THANKSGIVING.
AND IT'S--
AND IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY.
FLOWERS AND EVERYTHING.
YOU BUY HER FLOWERS,
YOU JUST REAL COOL.
YOU WALK UP,
YOU'RE RESPECTFUL.
YOU SAY,
"HEY, HOW ARE YOU?"
YOU KNOW,
GOOD AFTERNOON TO HER,
HAPPY HARASSMENT DAY.
AND YOU JUST, LIKE, SAY,
"LISTEN, I WAS WONDERING
ALL YEAR
IF YOU WOULD SUCK MY DICK
IN THE BROOM CLOSET."
AND YOU JUST BE LIKE,
"NO, THANK YOU, I'M NOT--"
AND YOU'D BE LIKE,
"I'M--THANK YOU.
"KEEP THE FLOWERS.
I JUST THOUGHT--
"I MADE A MISTAKE.
"I THOUGHT YOU WAS A HO
ALL YEAR.
"I WAS CONFUSED.
I THOUGHT YOU WAS A HO,
BUT YOU'RE NOT."
EVEN ANIMALS, MAN.
ANIMALS SMELL IT ON US.
THEY DO.
ANIMALS SMELL
SOMETHING'S WRONG.
LIKE WITH THE DOG WHISPERER.
HE GOT ANIMALS.
AND I'M A ANIMAL--UH--
LET ME SAY THIS, MAN.
I-I'M A WHAT THEY C--
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE TERM IS
FOR, UH,
EXTREME ANIMAL LOVER.
LIKE, I-I GET SICK
WHEN I SEE ANIMALS SUFFERING.
AND I KNOW THAT'S CONTRARY
TO POPULAR BELIEF SOMEHOW.
SOMEHOW IT'S SPREAD OUT
THAT BLACK PEOPLE, WE--
LIKE, WE HATE ANIMALS.
LIKE, WE CAN'T STAND
DOGS AND CATS.
AND I-I DON'T GET IT.
THAT'S THE NEWS DOING THAT.
'CAUSE THEY ONLY SHOW DUDES
THAT HATE DOGS.
LIKE WHEN THE VICK STUFF
WAS HAPPENING.
"WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF MICHAEL VICK
AND THE DOG?"
THEY JUST SHOW--
EVERY DUDE THEY SHOW
IS LIKE, "MM, DOGS?
MAN, FUCK DOGS.
"I DON'T--
"I'LL DROWN A DOG
IN A BUCKET RIGHT NOW.
"GIMME A DOG.
"WHERE'S A MO--
WHERE'S A DOG AT?
"I'LL KILL HIM.
I HATE DOGS.
I HATE DOGS."
AND THEN THEY'LL SHOW
A WHITE WOMAN, LIKE,
TONGUE-KISSING A DOG
IN THE MOUTH.
JUST TO PROVE
WHITE PEOPLE LOVE DOGS.
AND THEN THEY GO BACK TO HIM,
AND HE'S MAD,
LIKE, "LOOK AT THIS
DIRTY WHITE BITCH,
"TONGUE-KISSING DEVIL.
"DEVIL BITCH TONGUE-KISSING
A-A JACKAL
"IN THE MOUTH.
DEVIL LICKING JACKALS!"
AND THEN SHE'S, LIKE,
SHINING, LIKE--
THERE'S SOME WEIRD WAR.
THEY ALWAYS WANT BLACK PEOPLE
AND WHITE PEOPLE
TO BE AT WAR, MAN,
FOR SOME REASON.
HOW CAN YOU HATE A--
I DON'T--
PEOPLE WHO HATE ANIMALS--
LIKE, I-I DON'T--
I'M NOT GONNA GO,
"I HATE YOU."
BUT IT--IT WOULD BE HARD.
IT TAKES AWAY A PIECE
OF HOW CLOSE WE MIGHT--
IF YOU GO,
"I HATE ANIMALS."
LIKE, SOMEBODY LOOK
AT A BABY SEAL,
AND GO,
"OH, I CAN'T WAIT
TO HIT THIS MOTHERFUCKER
IN THE FACE."
"FUCKIN' HATE BABY SEALS.
"ALL CUTE.
THE FUCK YOU LOOKIN' AT,
BABY SEAL?"
LIKE--
YOU EVER SEE THEM SAD
ANIMAL COMMERCIALS
THAT COME ON, LIKE,
DURING--
LIKE, 4:00 IN THE MORNING,
DURING THREE'S COMPANY
RERUNS?
AND THEY CATCH YOU
OUT OF NOWHERE.
YOU BE WATCHING
THREE'S COMPANY.
AND THEN,
* OOH HOOO
LIKE--
AND THEY'LL SHOW--
IT BE A--
LIKE, IT'LL BE A KITTEN
AND THEY SLOW MOTION
THE KITTEN UP,
AND THE KITTEN--
* OOH HOO-OO-OO
AND IT'S A--
KITTEN GOT A PENCIL
IN HIS HEAD.
LIKE, SOMEBODY STUCK A PENCIL
IN HIS FACE.
* THERE'S A PENCIL
* STICKING OUT OF HIS
* FA-A-A-ACE
THEN THEY PUT FUN FACTS.
"15,000 KITTENS
ARE STABBED IN THE HEAD
WITH PENCILS EACH YEAR."
YOU BE LIKE,
"WHO IS STABBING KITTENS
"IN THE FACE
WITH PENCILS?
WHY?"
* IT'S A PENCIL
* STICKING OUT OF HIS
* FA-A-A-ACE
THEN THEY'LL SHOW
A BUNCH OF PUPPIES
SHOVED IN A-A CONTAINER
OR A CUP.
* PUPPIES IN A CUP
* MISSIN' THEIR FEET
* IT'S WRO-O-O-ONG
"HI, I'M WHITE LADY.
I'M HERE TO SAY
NIGGERS PROBABLY DID IT."
FUCK YOU, BITCH,
JACKAL-KISSING HO!
BUT I'M NOT SAYING
THAT DOGS SHOULD BE
EQUAL CITIZENS, EITHER.
I LOVE MY DOGS, MAN,
BUT I-I CAN'T--
YOU KNOW, IT'S WRONG
TO TRAIN 'EM.
AND THEY'RE OUTTA CONTROL,
AND I'M NOT REALLY
A CESAR MILLAN UNDERSTANDER.
I TRY.
I TRY WITH WHAT THEY--
BUT I-I GOT A WESTIE,
A LITTLE WESTIE,
AND A POODLE.
AND I LOVE MY DOGS, MAN.
I LET--AND I LET 'EM GO
TO THE BATHROOM
ON THE WEE-WEE PAD
IN THE HOUSE, MAN.
I DON'T CARE.
AND EVERYTHING'S GOOD
WHEN THEY DO THAT.
'CAUSE THEY GOT
LITTLE BABY--
YOU KNOW,
WHEN THEY EATIN' RIGHT,
THE BA--THE--THE--
THEY BE NICE, LITTLE--
LITTLE--
YOU KNOW.
I DON'T HAVE--
THEY DON'T HAVE TO SCRATCH.
THEY JUST, "UGH,"
DO THEY THING.
AND WHEN THEY DO THEY THING,
EVERYTHING'S BEAUTIFUL.
I GO, "GOOD BOY,
GOOD GIRL, BOW,"
AND EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.
BUT SOMETIMES
THEY JUST DECIDE
THEY GON' TRY ME
AND GO--
LIKE, THEY HAVE
A MEETING AND GO,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
"LEMME SEE WHAT HAPPENS
"IF I PISS ON THIS GOOD RUG
THAT HE BOUGHT.
"LET'S SEE.
"WHY DON'T YOU--
WANNA PISS ON HIS RUG?
"WHO GONNA DO IT?
YOU IN?
COME ON, ONE, TWO, THREE."
"A'IGHT, I'LL DO IT.
I'LL DO IT."
AND THEN THE OTHER ONE
PEEKIN' AROUND THE CORNER,
LIKE, "OKAY, OKAY."
AND JUST, "UGGGH."
IT'S USUALLY THE WESTIE.
'CAUSE HE GOT
THE CUTEST LOOK.
THE WESTIE GOT THE--
GOT THE SAD,
LIKE, "WHAT DID I DO?" FACE.
SO I BE LIKE,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
"OH, COME ON, MAN.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?"
AND HE'S JUST,
"I'M DUMB.
I DON'T KNOW."
I GO, "GO AHEAD, BOY.
COME ON, MAN."
EVERYBODY'S HAPPY.
AND THEN, LIKE,
'CAUSE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER,
THIS IS HOW
YOU TRAINED DOGS.
IT WAS NO S--
IT WAS EASY.
YOU JUST PUT 'EM DOWN
WHEN THEY FIRST GET
IN THE HOUSE.
AND YOU JUST HIDE
AROUND A CORNER, YOU KNOW.
AND YOU JUST WAIT.
YOU WAIT TILL THEY GO
TO THE BATHROOM
WHERE THEY AIN'T
SUPPOSED TO.
AND SOON AS THEY
CRUNCH UP
AND GO TO THE BATHROOM--
YOU GOTTA WAIT
TILL THE FIRST--
AND THEN YOU JUST RUN.
"MOTHER FU--
RRAAGGGGHH!"
AND YOU J--
YOU SHOVE HIS FACE IN SHIT.
"AAAAGH!
"HOW'S THAT FEEL,
SHITTY FACE?
YOUR FACE STINK.
HOW'S THAT?"
"THERE, WHAT?"
HE'S LIKE, "WHAT?"
YOU CHOKE 'EM OUT,
AND HE'S--
HE START TAPPIN',
LIKE, "OY."
YOU KICK HIM.
"DON'T SHIT ON MY RUG,
YOU MOTHER--!"
AND HE'LL NEVER
SHIT THERE AGAIN.
LIKE, HE MAY GO THERE.
BUT HERE?
HE'LL PULL A CIGARETTE
OUT FIRST,
'FORE HE--
DEAR GOD.
"WHOO, SOMETHIN' HAPPENED
TO ME BAD THERE.
I'M SCARED TO EVEN
GET NEAR THERE."
NIGGA DO HEROINE,
HE GET NEAR THAT SPOT.
"I'LL KILL YOU.
THAT RUG COST MORE
THAN YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!"
BUT I'M TRYING
TO SAVE YOU, MAN,
'CAUSE YOU ARE THE FUTURE,
MY FRIEND.
'CAUSE I'M FINISHED.
I'M STUCK.
IN A RELATIONSHIP,
DONE.
DONE.
THIS IS A MAN IN LOVE.
HERE--HERE'S THE FACE
OF A MAN IN LOVE.
AND THE FACE OF A WOMAN
IN LOVE IS LIKE,
"YEA, YEA.
I'M IN LOVE."
BUT THE FACE...
OF A MAN IN LIKE
IS LIKE, "YEAH, MAN.
I LIKE HER."
AND WOMEN ARE LIKE,
"WHEN ARE YOU--
WHERE IS THIS GOING?"
WHY'S IT HAVE TO GO
SOMEWHERE?
IT'S JUST COOL
RIGHT NOW, LIKE--
HERE'S THE BEST RELATIONSHIP
IN THE WORLD,
IS WHEN THE WOMAN
LOVES YOU...
AND THE MAN LIKES HER.
SO IF I LIKE YOU,
AND YOU LOVE ME,
THAT'S PERFECTION.
BECAUSE I LIKE LIKE.
LIKE IS LIKE WHEN--
THAT'S WHEN HE'S HAPPY
TO SEE YOU
AND HAPPY TO HEAR YOU,
AND YOU DOING THINGS
THAT DON'T DISRESPECT
THE HAPPY.
YOU LIE ABOUT LIKING SPORTS,
AND YOU DO
ALL KINDA THINGS.
I KNOW THAT SOUNDS,
LIKE, RIDICULOUS,
BUT I'LL PUT IT
IN VAGINAL TERMS FOR YOU.
'CAUSE I SEE THE FACES,
LIKE, "HUH?"
AND THEN GUYS GO,
"HEY, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."
LIKE, BUT I-I--
BUT GUYS DO.
I F--I SPEAK
FLUENT DUDE, MAN.
I-I UNDERSTAND HOW WE ARE.
I'MA TELL YOU WHY--
OKAY, LADIES, YOU--
HOW MANY TIMES
HAS THERE BEEN A GUY
IN YOUR LIFE, OR GUYS,
WHERE THERE'S BEEN MEN
IN YOUR LIFE
WHO WANT TO SLEEP
WITH YOU,
BUT YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO SLEEP WITH HIM?
ZILLIONS.
YOU CAN'T COUNT IT.
SO WHAT THAT MEANS,
THERE'S A--
THERE'S A PHILOSOPHY THERE,
MEANING YOU ARE SEXABLE.
HE WANTS TO SLEEP
WITH YOU.
BUT JUST 'CAUSE YOU
ARE SEXABLE
DON'T MEAN I'M SEXABLE.
RIGHT?
SAME THING WITH LOVE.
JUST 'CAUSE I'M LOVABLE...
DOESN'T MEAN THAT
YOU'RE LOVABLE TOO.
YOU'RE JUST LIKABLE TO ME.
YOU DIDN'T DO FOR ME
WHAT I DID FOR YOU
TO FEEL THAT WAY.
YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
IT--IT--IT'S VERY SIMPLE.
SO IF YOU JUST WAIT FOR ME
TO LOVE YOU,
THEN YOU--YOU'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
YOU MIGHT HAVE TO WAIT
A WHILE.
BUT MEN DON'T HAVE
THE OPTION
TO MUSCLE YOU
LIKE YOU MUSCLE US.
"YOU KNOW, YOU'VE GOTTA EITHER
SHIT OR GET OFF THE POT.
"WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER
THIS MANY MONTHS,
AND IT'S TIME FOR US
TO DISCOVER WHERE--"
LIKE, BUT MEN DON'T SAY
NOTHIN' LIKE THAT
TO MUSCLE YOU, MAN.
THAT'S--THAT'S, YOU KNOW--
I CAN'T GO, "LOOK,
WE'VE BEEN GOING OUT
"FOR A WEEK NOW.
"IT'S--IT'S--IT'S, UH...
"IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO ROLL
THESE PANTIES DOWN 'CAUSE...
"IT'S BEEN TOO LONG
I BEEN BUYING YOU DRINKS,
AND YOU GOT TO EITHER SHIT
OR GET OFF THE POT."
BUT WHEN YOUR WOMAN
LOVES YOU,
IT'S VERY DIFFICULT
TO GET PAST THAT, MAN.
A WOMAN'S LOVE
IS SO BEAUTIFUL, MAN.
MEN'S LOVE IS
NOT AS BEAUTIFUL.
IT AIN'T PURE,
'CAUSE IT'S WORK. IT'S JOB.
I LOOK AT MY GIRL
LAYING THERE,
I BE LIKE, "GOD! OHH, MAN!"
I WANT TO CALL OUT SICK
FROM LOVE.
I BE LIKE, "DAMN."
BUT SHE'S SLEEPING
RIGHT THERE.
I BE WANTIN' TO GIVE
THE CALL-IN-SICK VOICE.
"I CAN'T MAKE IT
TO LOVE YOU TODAY.
I GOT A..."
BUT WHEN YOUR WOMAN
LOVE YOU, MAN,
YOU FEEL WEIRD.
I TRY TO START ARGUMENTS
WITH MY GIRL
ALL THE TIME JUST
SO THAT SHE LOVE ME LESS,
'CAUSE SHE JUST--
THE WAY SHE LOVE ME,
IT'S JUST TOO MUCH.
I'M LIKE, "DAMN."
IT AIN'T--
IT'S NOT NECESSARY.
BUT SHE LOVES, MAN.
AND LOVE FOR A WOMAN
EMBODIES EVERYTHING.
IT'S LIKE...
SHE'S CONCERNED
ABOUT MY HEALTH.
AIN'T NO MAN IN HERE
EVER ASK HOW
THEIR WOMAN'S HEALTH IS, EVER.
LOOK AT THIS NIGGA LAUGHIN'.
HOW LONG Y'ALL BEEN TOGETHER,
BY THE WAY, BRO?
- TWO YEARS.
- TWO YEARS.
HAVE YOU EVER ASKED HER
A HEALTH QUESTION?
NEVER.
IT AIN'T HAPPENIN'.
HE NEVER--WE DON'T KNOW
WHEN SHE,
THE LAST TIME SHE CHECKED
HER TITTIES FOR--
FOR LUMPS.
ANYBODY'S MAN EVER ASK
IF YOU CHECKED YOUR TITTIES
FOR FUCKIN' LUMPS? NO!
IF YOU TAKE PILLS,
DO YOUR MAN GO,
"HAVE YOU TAKEN YOUR PILLS?"
NO, WE DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
JUST KNOCK YOUR PILLS
OFF THE--
"WHAT'S ALL THESE PILLS,
YOU SICK BITCH?"
"SOUND LIKE MARACAS AROUND HERE.
YOU'RE SICK."
AND IT'S NOT 'CAUSE
WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.
IT'S JUST THE WAY
WE CARE
IS NOT THE WAY... YOU KNOW.
MEN DON'T CARE ABOUT HEALTH
IN GENERAL.
WE DON'T CARE
ABOUT BEING SICK.
I SHOULD BE GETTING
PROSTATE CHECKS EVERY WEEK.
I SHOULD BE AT LEAST DOING
MY OWN PROSTATE CHECK.
YOU CAN--IF YOUR PROSTATE'S
SWELLED UP,
YOU CAN PUT YOUR OWN FINGER
IN YOUR BOOTY, RIGHT?
TO SEE IF YOUR PROSTATE
SWELLED,
'CAUSE YOU CAN'T--
BUT LOOK, ALL OF THAT,
I'LL NEVER KNOW,
'CAUSE I'M NOT GONNA STICK--
I'LL LET MY PROSTATE
FALL OUT MY ASSHOLE FIRST.
I'LL BE WALKIN',
IT'LL FALL ON THE GROUND.
I'LL BE LIKE,
"IS THAT MY PROSTATE
JUST FELL OUT
MY ASSHOLE?"
AND I STILL WOULDN'T GO
TO THE HOSPITAL.
I'LL CALL ONE OF MY FRIENDS
ON THE PHONE.
"HEY, MAN, YOUR PROSTATE
EVER FALL OUT YOUR ASSHOLE?
"WHAT'D YOU DO ABOUT IT?
PUT SOME DUCT TAPE?
ALL RIGHT, PUT SOME DUCT TAPE."
IT'S BEAUTIFUL,
THE LOVE.
I'M TELLING YOU.
I'M DIABETIC, MAN,
AND--AND, YOU KNOW,
I'M NOT GONNA FIND NO WOMAN
THAT GIVES A--CARES...
JUST OFF THE STREET.
'CAUSE DIABETES, LOOK--
FIRST OF ALL,
I DON'T SUPPORT IT, ALL RIGHT?
IF I DIDN'T HAVE IT,
I COULD GIVE A--
IT'S JUST,
"WHATEVER, DUDE, REALLY?
CAN'T EAT COOKIES, FAGGOT?
I DON'T CARE."
BUT I GOT
THAT MISERABLE DISEASE.
IT'S JUST--
IT'S ONE OF THOSE--
IT'S DETERIO--
IT'S JUST A--
IT'S JUST A PAIN
IN THE ASS,
'CAUSE I CAN'T EAT
AND DRINK WHAT I WANT.
LIKE, I CAN EAT AS
MANY VEGETABLES AS I WANT.
"PATRICE, YOU CAN HAVE
ALL THE BRUSSELS SPROUTS
YOU EVER NEEDED."
IT WAS LIKE, "OH."
WHY CAN'T I EAT PASTA
AND CAKE?
BUT YOU CAN'T,
AND IT HARD.
IT'S LIKE BEING ADDICTED.
FOOD IS,
I'M TELLING YOU--
FOOD IS AN EVERYDAY, LIKE...
I'LL BE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD, MAN, FOOD AGAIN?"
I GOTTA THINK ABOUT--
EVERY DAY, I GOTTA THINK.
I GO TO SLEEP
THINKING ABOUT FOOD.
TOMORROW, LIKE,
"WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
"A'IGHT, TODAY,
I HAD SALAD AND FRUIT,
"AND I--I'M GONNA
CELEBRATE TOMORROW
"BY HAVING A WHOLE...
"LAMB LEG,
TO CELEBRATE HOW GOOD
I ATE YESTERDAY."
IT'S JUST A SUFFERING...
AND I UNDERSTAND
BEING ADDICTED.
ANY SMOKERS?
SMOKERS HERE? ANYBODY?
SMOKING? SEE,
AND THAT'S LIKE--
AND YOU A YOUNG MAN,
BUT YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW.
IT'S A--YOU DON'T--
YOU'RE GOOD PEOPLE.
YOU DON'T WANT TO DIE.
SMOKERS ARE LIKE--
YOU JUST KNOW
YOU'RE DYING, LIKE...
"MAN, OH, MAN, DOG."
AND YOU GONNA GET CANCER,
LIKE, YOU KNOW
YOU GONNA GET CANCER,
AND YOU'RE GIVING
OTHER PEOPLE CANCER.
YOU'RE LIKE...
YOU'RE LIKE,
"I'M NOT A BAD PERSON,
"I JUST CAN'T KEEP IT--
"I CAN'T KEEP IT, UH...
DOWN IN MY SYSTEM HERE."
AND THEN THE PACK
OF CIGARETTES,
THEY USED
TO SAY THINGS LIKE,
"UH, CIGARETTES POSSIBLY
"MIGHT
CAUSE YOU TO BE ILL
AT SOME POINT IN YOUR LIFE."
NOW THEY SAY
IT WILL KILL YOU,
AND YOU STILL...
AND THEN YOU GOT
THE CIGARETTE BOXES IN CANADA.
YOU EVER SEE
CANADA'S CIGARETTE BOXES?
THEY GOT DEAD BABIES
ON THE BOX.
LIKE, IT JUST BE
A DEAD BABY.
CAN YOU IMAGINE SMOKING
AND RATIONALIZING?
IMAGINE YOU TELL YOURSELF,
YOU SAY,
"MAN, I'M GLAD I MADE IT
PAST HIS AGE.
GODDAMN."
"HOW OLD WAS HE
WHEN HE STARTED SMOKING?
"A DAY OLD?
JESUS, SLOW DOWN, NIGGA,
USE A FILTER."
I SAW SOME WHITE
CHOCOLATE-COVERED OREOS.
OREOS DIPPED
IN CHOCOLATE, MAN.
I WA--
I COULD--IT WAS--
I WAS IN TEARS, LIKE,
KNOWING I SHOULDN'T EAT IT,
BUT I WAS IN PAIN, LIKE, GOING,
"OH, MY GOD."
AND I'M TALKING TO MYSELF,
"I CAN'T EAT
THESE COOKIES, MAN."
AND THEY'RE CALLIN' ME,
AND I'M PRAYING TO GOD,
AND I'M--AND I'M
LACTOSE INTOLERANT,
BUT, LIKE, IF I EAT
THESE COOKIES,
I GOTTA DRINK MILK TOO.
I'MA GO OUT
LIKE A SOLDIER.
IT'S LIKE, WHATEVER.
AND THEN YOU SAY ALL KIND
OF WEIRD STUFF TO YOU
TO RATIONALIZE EATING THEM.
I'LL BE LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT?
"I DON'T NEED
BOTH MY FEET.
"I'M NOT A...
"I'M NOT A BALLERINA.
ALL I NEED IS ONE
SO I CAN DRIVE MY CAR."
I'MA TELL YOU
A QUICK LOVE STORY, MAN.
THIS WILL SUM UP
HOW MUCH MY GIRL LOVE ME,
AND IT'S AMAZING.
UM, YOU KNOW, LIKE I SAID,
I'M DIABETIC, MAN,
BUT, UM, YOU KNOW,
IT'S A TRUE STORY.
WHEN WE HAVE SEX,
WE'RE REALLY, UH...
REALLY DIRTY, MAN.
WE'RE REALLY DIRTY.
WE PEE ON EACH OTHER
AND THE WHOLE...
BUT THAT'S--GET PAST THAT,
'CAUSE THIS IS TRUE LOVE, SO...
SO I'M--
WE'RE HAVING SEX, RIGHT?
ABOUT TWO YEARS AGO
THIS HAPPENED.
WE'RE HAVING SEX,
AND THEN, UH, AFTERWARDS,
SHE'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW,
THAT WAS GOOD,
"BUT I THINK WE GOTTA
GO TO THE HOSPITAL
AND GET YOU CHECKED OUT."
I SAID, "WHY?"
SHE SAID, "'CAUSE YOU'RE PEE
TASTES LIKE BIRTHDAY CAKE."
AND...
ISN'T THAT LOVE?
IF YOU CAN
GET PAST THE PEE PART,
THAT'S LOVE, RIGHT?
WHEN SHE'S LIKE, "OH,
YOUR PEE IS TOO DELICIOUS.
I DON'T--
I DON'T LIKE THAT."
SHE DIDN'T GO, "YOU PEED
IN MY MOUTH, YOU NASTY--"
SHE'S JUST LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
YOUR PEE TASTES--
"I DONE LIKE THE WAY
IT TASTES.
IT TASTES SCRUMPTIOUS."
WHAT I'MA DO?
YOU SEE
THESE THREE GOOFY GIRLS' LOOK,
THEY LIKE,
"IF HE PEE IN MY MOUTH,
"BLAH BLAH BLAH.
BLAH BLAH-BLAH
BLAH-BLAH BLUH."
THAT MEANS YOU'RE
NOT GONNA LOVE ME
TO THE DEGREE THAT I NEED
TO SAVE MY LIFE, ARE YOU?
NO.
I DON'T NEED YOU.
I DON'T NEED YOU
IF YOU CAN'T
TASTE MY PEE AND GO,
"SOMETHING'S WRONG.
YOU NEED TO GO
CHECK YOURSELF."
YOU JUDGE ME.
THAT'S YOUR WOMAN, BRO?
HOW LONG YOU GUYS
BEEN TOGETHER?
TEN YEARS? WOW.
GOOD, GOOD.
HOW LONG?
2 1/2, 3 YEARS?
Y'ALL GOIN'--
Y'ALL GOIN' RAW?
YOU STICK IT IN RAW?
YOU DO?
OKAY, YOU PUT IT IN--
YOU PUT IT IN RAW?
LOOK IT, SHE PUNCHED HIM.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET ME EXPLAIN,
SHE JUST HIT HIM IN HIS ARM.
I'MA EXPLAIN
SOMETHING TO YOU.
THE QUICKER
THAT A MAN GOES RAW,
IT MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE,
YOU KNOW, "GO AHEAD, PIMP.
YOU GOT IT IN RAW."
THE QUICKER THE WOMAN
GOES RAW,
IT MAKES YOU LOOK--
YEAH, LOOSE.
IT MAKES YOU LOOK BAD.
'CAUSE SAFE SEX IS
A WOMAN'S RESPONSIBILITY.
'CAUSE MEN ARE TRYING
TO DO IT
THE FIRST SECOND
WE MEET.
LOOK, MY PROTECTION IS JUST,
I DO THIS.
AND I JUST GO...
"JUST NOT AIDS, GOD."
"PLEASE DON'T LET ME
GET SICK AND DIE."
IT IS YOUR
RESPONSIBILITY.
YEP.
WHEN DID Y'ALL
DECIDE TO DO IT?
HOW LONG
DID IT TAKE, BRO?
HOW LONG DID IT TAKE?
- A WHILE.
- IT TOOK A WHILE?
WHAT'S A WHILE?
WHAT'S A WHILE TO YOU?
HEY, DID YOU DO
THE OLD BAGLESS TRICK,
WHERE YOU WOULD JUST SLOWLY,
LIKE, JUST TRY TO PUT IT IN
WITHOUT...
AND YOU JUST, HOPEFULLY,
SHE STOP YOU?
THAT OLD TRICK?
LIKE, "OKAY...
"ALL RIGHT,
IT'S GETTING CLOSE,
"AND I THINK I'M GONNA...
I AIN'T GOT NOTHIN'
ON IT YET."
AND THEN IT START
GETTING REAL CLOSE.
YOU BE LIKE,
"NO, SHE GONNA LET ME--
"OHH!
THIS DIRTY BITCH!"
"WE BOTH GONNA DIE
YOU LET ME PUT IT IN?"
"OH, WE GONNA DIE!
"SHE JUST LET ME
GO RAW!"
BUT WE WON'T STOP, THOUGH.
"AW, COME ON!
STOP ME!"
AND I CAN'T USE
NO CONDOM NO MORE.
IT'S OVER--
CONDOM DAYS.
I PUT A TRASH BAG
ON MY SHIT,
IT JUST--
* WAH WAH
LIKE THE "WAH-WAH" MUSIC?
* WAH-WAH
IT'S JUST DEAD.
I HAVE TO SEE IF MY BALLS
CAN FIT IN THERE TOO.
LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
HOW'S THAT, BABY?"
"THEY BOTH IN THERE SOFT,
"BUT HIS BALLS AND DICK
IS IN THERE.
"YOU OKAY?
HOW'S THAT FEEL?
FILLED UP?
YOU FEEL FILLED UP?"
I'MA DO--I'MA SHOW
YOU SOMETHING, LADIES, RIGHT?
I'MA SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
HERE'S WHY YOU SHOULD
BE RESPONSIBLE FOR SAFE SEX.
ALL RIGHT, HOW MANY GUYS
IN HERE, HONESTLY,
HAVE USED
A DENTAL DAM BEFORE?
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT A DENTAL DAM IS?
YOU DO? NO ONE'S
EVER USED ON BEFORE, HUH?
SEE?
SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING
ABOUT THE CONDOMS?
Y'ALL JUST LIKE,
"PUT THAT CONDOM ON,"
BUT, YOU KNOW,
THE DENTAL DAM
IS A PIECE
OF A TRASH BAG, RIGHT?
ABOUT AS BIG AS A NAPKIN
THAT YOU FLIP OUT,
AND YOU LAY IT
OVER A WOMAN'S VAGINA
JUST IN CASE, YOU KNOW,
IT'S--IT'S POISON.
TO PROTECT US
FROM IMMINENT DANGER,
BUT WE DON'T USE IT
'CAUSE YOU'LL BE INSULTED.
IF I'M GETTING READY
TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU,
AND I PULL OUT
A PIECE OF A TRASH BAG...
AND YOU GO,
"UH, WHAT IS THAT?"
"OH, I'M JUST GONNA
LAY THAT OVER YOUR VAGINA
JUST IN CASE IT KILLS ME."
"I'M SORRY,
WHAT DID YOU SAY?"
AND WE SEE THAT FACE?
"NOTHIN', FORGET IT.
"DON'T EVEN--PRETEND
YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT.
"I'D RATHER DIE THAN TO
"INSULT MY WAY
OUT OF SOME PUSSY.
I'D RATHER JUST GET
WHAT YOU GOT."
NO OFFENSE,
BUT THAT'S US.
WE ARE NOT LIKE YOU.
UNDERSTAND THAT.
WE'RE GOOD CREATURES,
SPECIAL--
WE ARE, BUT
WE'RE JUST NOT LIKE YOU.
WE'RE NOT LIKE--
WE DON'T TELL THE TRUTH,
AND THE REASON IS
BECAUSE WE CANNOT.
TRUTH IS, UH...
HERE'S WHAT TRUTH IS.
TRUTH IS A FEELING
THAT GOES FROM YOUR GUT
TO YOUR MOUTH
INSTANTANEOUSLY.
WOMEN GET TO BE TRUTHFUL.
YOU GET TO SAY...
AND YOU SAY
ANY KIND OF FOUL,
'CAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE
AN EDITING--
IT JUST COMES UP.
"I JUST--
TWO PLUS TWO IS SEVEN."
JUST SAY IT.
"I DON'T CARE."
AND YOU BE LIKE,
"IT'S--IT'S FOUR."
"IT AIN'T.
IT'S WHATEVER I WANT IT TO BE!"
"I'MA TALK
IF I FEEL LIKE IT."
AND...
MEN DON'T DO THAT.
WE CAN'T BE HONEST
WITH YOU.
MAN TRUTH IS CRUEL.
IF WE TOLD YOU
THE TRUTH ALL THE TIME,
THAT'S CRUELTY.
MEN--MEN GO FROM OUR GUT,
AND THEN IT STOPS
AT THE HEART,
WHERE WE EDIT IT.
WE EDIT WHAT THIS WAS.
WHAT THIS WAS
WAS GONNA BE FOUL,
SO I'M NOT GONNA SAY
WHAT THIS WAS.
AND THEN, IT GOES
INTO THE BRAIN FOR FURTHER...
TOUCH-UPS.
YOU KNOW, ANALYSIS.
MMM, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
AND THEN YOU SAY IT.
WE DON'T JUST SPEW
STUFF OUT, MAN,
BECAUSE HOW WE REALLY FEEL
ABOUT YOU,
IT JUST--IT'S NOT--
IT'S NOT COOL
LIKE THIS,
HOW WE FEEL ABOUT YOU.
YOU SAID TEN YEARS?
LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,
HONESTLY.
WHAT'S YOUR DAYDREAM
ON HOW TO KILL HER?
- YOU WANT TO GET ME KILLED?
- HERE'S WHERE
YOU'RE MESSING UP.
I'MA TELL YOU
WHERE YOU'RE MESSING UP.
HE GOES--HE SAYS TO ME,
"HEY, MAN, YOU TRYING
TO GET ME KILLED?"
SO YOU SEE HOW
WE CAN'T TELL THE TRUTH?
THE--THE LIE, RIGHT?
THAT MEANS
THAT HE THINKS ABOUT IT.
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?
YOU SHOULD SAY, "I DON'T THINK
ABOUT KILLING MY WOMAN,"
BUT YOU GO, "YOU TRYIN'
TO GET ME KILLED?
"IF I TELL YOU
HOW I'D KILL THIS BITCH,
SHE GONNA KILL ME!"
SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL
GET IT OUT NOW.
HOW DO YOU KILL HER, MAN?
JUST SO SHE KNOW.
HOW DO YOU DAYDREAM
ABOUT IT?
SPIT IT OUT.
SHE'S LOOKING AT--
IT'S OVER. JUST--
SWEETIE, I'M TRYING
TO LET YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT YOU'RE DEALING WITH.
I'M JUST SAYING
THE FACT THAT YOU'RE ALIVE
MEANS HE DIDN'T
GO THROUGH WITH IT.
HE JUST--AND
I'MA TELL YOU WHY--
WHY GUYS THINK ABOUT KILLING
THEIR WOMEN.
IT'S 'CAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
BECAUSE I WANT YOU
OUT OF MY LIFE,
BUT I DON'T WANT TO HURT
YOUR FEELINGS.
SO I'D RATHER YOU
BE DEAD,
THAN TO BREAK YOUR HEART.
SO WE THINK ABOUT,
HOW DO WE KILL THIS--
AND GET AWAY--
HOW DO YOU DO IT, BRO?
I'LL TELL YOU
HOW I KILL MY GIRL.
I PUT A PILLOW
OVER HER HEAD
AND SHOOT HER TWICE
WITH A SILENCER.
AND THE FEATHERS
COME UP,
AND I LOOK
UNDER THE PILLOW,
AND HER EYES STILL BE OPEN,
AND I CLOSE HER EYE--
I CLOSE HER EYES AND SHIT.
AND I KISS HER SOFTLY
ON HER FACE,
BUT SHE'S DEAD.
YOU MIGHT AS WELL
SPIT IT OUT,
'CAUSE IT'LL HELP YOU NOW,
'CAUSE YOU CAN BLAME IT ON ALL--
THE WHOLE SITUATION,
INSTEAD OF LATER
WHEN SHE'S LIKE,
"SO, YOU KNOW..."
YOU'RE PUERTO RICAN, RIGHT?
- CUBAN.
- CUBAN?
OH, LORD HAVE MERC--
LIKE, WHATEVER, SHE'S--
WHATEVER ACCENT AND WHATEVER
ANGER SHE DOES IN SPANISH,
SHE'S GONNA BE ON YOU,
SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL
JUST SAY IT,
THINK ABOUT IT.
'CAUSE SHE GONNA
BE ON YOU.
WHAT IS IT?
WHAT DO YOU, YOU KNOW.
AND LOOK IT, I DON'T CONDONE
VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN,
BUT I DO CONDONE
THINKING ABOUT IT,
BECAUSE SOMETIMES
IT'S LIKE,
"HOW DO I GET YOU
OUT OF MY FACE?"
IT'S JUST LIKE,
WHAT DO YOU DO?
WHEN A GIRL'S
IN YOUR FACE, AHH!
ESPECIALLY BLACK WOMEN,
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS PROBABLY MORE IMPORTANT
TO WHITE WOMEN,
'CAUSE WHITE WOMEN,
YOU DO STUFF TO GET KILLED.
PEOPLE KILL YOU.
YOUR HUSBANDS KILL YOU.
BLACK WOMEN DO STUFF
TO GET HIT.
LIKE, THEY MAKE YOU
WANT TO HIT 'EM,
'CAUSE THEY BE
IN YOUR FACE,
LIKE THEY COULD
WHUP YOUR ASS.
"BLAH BLAH BLAH,
BLAH-BLAH."
YOU BE LIKE,
"I'MA PUT THIS BITCH
THROUGH A FISH TANK."
DON'T GET IN MY FACE,
'CAUSE I CAN'T
EVEN HIT YOU.
I CAN'T EVEN
POKE YOU HARD.
LIKE, DON'T--
DON'T PRESS ME LIKE THAT.
"WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
I WISH YOU WAS--"
LIKE, "OH, MY GOD, MAN,
GET OUT OF MY FACE."
AND I'VE NEVER HIT
A WOMAN, MAN.
I'VE NEVER NEEDED TO.
AND I BEEN--BEEN, LIKE,
"WOW, MAN.
THIS WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER
IF I COULD,"
BUT I JUST...
YOU JUST...
LIKE, I NEVER EVEN
MUSHED A WOMAN.
ANYONE EVER GET MUSHED?
YOU EVER GET MUSHED?
YOU KNOW
WHAT A MUSHING IS?
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT MUSHING IS.
DO YOU KNOW
WHAT MUSHING IS?
YOU DO--YEAH, SEE. LOOK
AT THE BLACK GIRL RIGHT THERE.
GO AHEAD, SHOW HER.
SHOW HER.
SHE PUT HER WHOLE HAND
OVER HER FACE.
IT'S A--IT'S--
IT'S A NON-VIOLENT...
MOVEMENT...
WHEN YOU'RE IN MY FACE,
AAH!
AND IT'S JUST TO--
IT JUST MOVES YOU...
AND SOMETIMES
A TWIST.
IT'S JUST,
"GET OUT OF MY FACE,
PLEASE."
I DON'T EVER
WANT TO MUSH,
AND I'VE NEVER DONE IT
I'VE COME CLOSE,
BUT I'M TOO SCARED.
I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL
OVER NONSENSE, MAN.
JAIL'S--
I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.
PUSH--I DON'T WANT
TO MUSH A GIRL.
"GET OUT OF HERE."
SHE STUMBLE BACK,
CRACK HER HEAD, AND...
YOU KNOW, SHE'S LAYING
ON THE GROUND DOING THE, UH...
THE HULK HOGAN
FROM THE '80s, LIKE...
I'M LIKE, "OH, MY GOD."
I'M LIFTING HER HAND UP
LIKE THE REFEREE.
LIKE, "OH, COME ON, BITCH.
PLEASE GET UP."
AND SHE'S JUST...
AND ON THE THIRD ONE,
I'M HOPING SHE GO LIKE THIS,
LIKE, "OH!"
"I'M STILL LIVIN', BROTHER!"
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OKAY!
OKAY!
"OH-HO!
"OH-HO!
OH, SHE'S LIVIN'!"
WHITE WOMEN, THOUGH,
I'MA TELL YOU
WHY YOU GET KILLED,
AND THIS IS A F--
I'M FROM BOSTON, MAN.
I GOT A PhD
IN WHITE PEOPLE, MAN.
I GREW UP AROUND THEM.
WHITE WOMEN,
YOU DON'T SCREAM AT YOUR MEN.
I NEVER SEEN A WHITE WOMAN
REALLY GO "AAH!" AT YOUR MAN.
"WHAT? WHAT?"
BUT YOU DO SOMETHING
DIFFERENT.
YOU DON'T SCREAM,
BUT YOU--YOU, UH...
YOU SAY, LIKE,
REALLY TERRIBLE THINGS
IN HIS EAR
SO ONLY HE CAN HEAR IT,
AND IT STARTS TO, LIKE,
ABRADE AND WHITTLE
HIS SPIRIT DOWN.
LIKE REALLY FOUL STUFF,
BUT NICE, LIKE,
"YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOUR MOTHER'S BREATH STINKS."
YOU BE LIKE...
"WHEN'D YOU GET CLOSE
ENOUGH TO MY MO--"
"I DON'T HAVE TO.
"IT STINKS FROM HERE.
AND I'M GONNA FUCK
YOUR FRIEND PHILLIP."
"I'M GONNA FUCK BYRON
AS SOON AS YOU GO TO WORK."
AND THEN,
THIS IS OVER YEARS,
AND YOU JUST--
YOU JUST--
UNTIL ALL YOU GOT LEFT
IS MURDER.
YOU JUST KILL HER,
'CAUSE YOU GOT
NO MORE SPIRIT LEFT.
THE SPIRIT IS GONE.
SERIOUS, MAN.
IF YOU WANT
TO UNDERSTAND MEN, LADIES,
LOOK, I'M HERE FOR YOU.
I'M JUST TELLING YOU
WHAT WE ARE.
WHAT WE ARE,
YOU KNOW, NOT WHO WE ARE.
WHAT WE ARE.
JUST LIKE WHAT WE ARE
THAT MAKES US STRUGGLE.
AND, REALLY,
MEN ARE PERFECT CREATURES,
EXCEPT FOR, YOU KNOW,
ONE...
LIKE, IF MOST WOMEN
WOULD WANT TO BE A MAN
IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO GIVE UP
THAT POWER
THAT YOU HAVE,
WHICH IS OUR WEAKNESS.
THAT'S OUR WEAKNESS.
IT'S VERY DIFFICULT.
I'M TELLING YOU, MAN.
LIKE, I DON'T WANT TO WANT
TO BE WITH OTHER WOMEN EVER.
LIKE, I WANT TO JUST
WALK DOWN THE STREET AND GO,
"I NEVER NEED TO LOOK
AT ANOTHER WOMAN AGAIN,
'CAUSE I'M WITH THE LAST WOMAN
I'M EVER GONNA BE WITH."
AND I'M LIKE...
BUT IT AIN'T REAL.
IT'S JUST...
LIKE, NO GUY WANTS TO CHEAT
AND HURT HIS WOMAN, MAN.
THAT HURTS.
FIRST OF ALL, THINK ABOUT
WHAT CHEATING IS
FOR A SECOND, LADIES.
CHEATING IS A MAN,
HE SNEAKS OUT
OF HIS OWN HOUSE
TO GO, LIKE, FIND SOME HAPPINESS
BEHIND YOUR BACK
SO YOUR FEELINGS
AREN'T HURT.
CHEATING IS FOR YOU.
IT'S NOT...
IT'S NOT FOR ME.
WE DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU.
IF YOU GAVE
A LIE DETECTOR TEST
TO A MAN AND A WOMAN
AND ASKED THEM
THE SAME QUESTIONS, MAN,
WE WOULD PASS THEM BOTH
UP TO A POINT WHERE
IT'S LIKE, HEY,
ASK A WOMAN, "YOU LOVE YOUR MAN?
YOU LOVE YOUR FAMILY?
YOU LOVE YOUR HOME,
YOU LOVE WHAT YOU BUILT?"
"YEP."
"ALL RIGHT, YOU SEE BRAD PITT
OR DENZEL WASHINGTON
"OR WHATEVER
STANDING THERE,
"WOULD YOU RISK EVERYTHING
YOU BUILT WITH YOUR MAN
JUST TO SLEEP WITH HIM?"
AND WOMEN, LOOK, THEY'LL GO
"NAH, I WOULDN'T."
AND THEY'LL PASS THE TEST.
THEY'LL BE LIKE,
"EH, YOU KNOW,
"THEY LOOK GOOD,
BUT I WOULDN'T."
ASK GUYS THE SAME THING,
YOU KNOW, BOOM,
LOVE YOUR WOMAN,
THE KIDS, THE HOU--
"YEAH."
"ALL RIGHT, YOU--
YOU SEE THAT GIRL PASSED OUT
BEHIND THE DUMPSTER?"
"WOULD YOU RISK EVERYTHING
FOR A PASSED-OUT WOMAN
BEHIND A DUMPSTER?"
"I DON'T WANT TO,
BUT LOOK AT HER
WITH GARBAGE ON--SHE LOOKS
SO CUTE WITH GARBAGE ON HER."
YOU EVER DISCUSS
THREESOMES, GORGEOUS?
YOU NEVER HAD
A THREESOME DISCUSSION
WITH YOUR MAN
AFTER TEN YEARS?
LIKE, JUST EVEN TALKED
TO HIM ABOUT IT.
JUST A TALK.
LIKE,
'CAUSE IT'LL MAKE HIM--
WOULDN'T JUST
A NICE THREESOME TALK
MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE,
"OH, MAN, JUST COOL
THAT SHE LETS ME GET
A LITTLE BIT
OF THAT EVIL OUT, RIGHT?"
AND BY THE WAY,
LADIES,
A THREESOME
IS TWO GIRLS AND A GUY.
THE GIRLS BE THINKING,
"WHAT ABOUT?"
TWO GUYS AND A GIRL
IS A TRAIN.
THAT IS...
ME AND HIM.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.
AND HE BETTER NOT
LOOK ME IN THE FACE.
LIKE, WHAT--
"NIGGA, JUST GET
YOUR DICK SUCKED.
WHY ARE YOU
STARING AT ME?"
"LET ME FUCK MY HALF
OF THE TORSO."
"CATCH THIS NIGGA
BLINKIN' AT ME
"WHILE I'M TRYING TO
FUCK MY HALF OF THE BODY.
"DAMN! DAMN, MAN!
NIGGA DON'T HAVE
TRAIN ETIQUETTE."
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
THAT, RIGHT?
WOMEN DON'T RELATE
TO THAT CRAP,
'CAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
HOW MUCH, UH...
TO GET SEX
FOR A GUY, MAN, IT'S HARD.
IT'S HARDER TO FIND--
IT'S HARDER TO GET SEX
THAN IT IS TO FIND LOVE.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
WOMEN HOLD--YOU GOTTA
BE SMOOTH TO GET--
I'M TELLIN' YOU,
TO GET THROUGH THAT,
BECAUSE WOMEN ARE LIKE
THE BEEFEATERS FROM, UH, ENGLAND
WITH THE BIG HATS,
AND THEM DUDES BE...
"WHO GOES THERE?"
YOU TRYING TO, LIKE,
CHARM YOUR WAY INTO THE PALACE,
AND YOU JUST BE LIKE...
"TICKLE, TICKLE, BABY.
TICKLE, TICKLE."
AND SHE'S JUST, "YOU'RE
NOT GONNA GET THROUGH!"
"OH, COME ON."
AND--AND THAT'S SKILL.
WOMEN, YOU DON'T HAVE IT,
'CAUSE YOU DON'T NEED IT.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE SWAGGER
TO GET SOME TONIGHT.
YOU DON'T.
YOU CAN JUST POINT
AT IT.
YOU CAN LOOK AT A GUY,
RIGHT, CATCH HIS EYE,
AND GO LIKE THIS,
AND HE'LL GO, "ME?"
AND THEN YOU JUST POINT
RIGHT HERE.
AND DON'T BE SEXY.
DON'T BE LIKE, "OOH."
JUST--
AND HE'LL LOOK AROUND
FOR A MINUTE TO MAKE SURE
IT AIN'T A TRICK, LIKE...
MONSTERS IS GIVING OUT
PUSSY, MAN.
WHAT I'MA DO?
WHAT I'MA DO, SAY NO?
WE'RE LIKE, UH...
I'M TRYING TO, LIKE,
MAKE IT SO WOMEN JUST, LIKE,
UNDERSTAND A LITTLE BIT,
LIKE, JUST TO SYMPATHIZE.
IT'S LIKE WE'RE
LIKE SPORT FISHERMEN.
THIS IS WHAT I'M SAYIN'.
THAT'S WHAT MEN ARE.
WE--I MEAN,
BEING WITH ONE WOMAN...
I MEAN,
FOR REAL, LADIES,
IF YOU JUST SAID THANK YOU
TO YOUR MAN
FOR BEING FAITHFUL.
YOU JUST GO
"THANK YOU, MAN.
THANK YOU FOR FIGHTING."
HE'D BE LIKE, "DAMN."
AND IF YOU--
IF YOU TOLD HIS FRIENDS
THAT YOU THANKED HIM
FOR FIGHTING HARD
AND NOT CHEATING,
HIS FRIENDS WOULD BE LIKE,
"WHAT?"
LIKE, THEY WOULD LOOK AT YOU
LIKE YOU WAS AMAZING.
IT'S SIMPLE.
MEN LIKE TO FISH.
AND SPORT FISHING
IS DIFFERENT
FROM CATCHING
FISH FOR FOOD.
YOU JUST GET IT--
YOU GET IT,
YOU CATCH IT,
AND YOU, YOU KNOW...
YOU SHOW YOUR FRIENDS.
'CAUSE YOU WANT THEM TO KNOW
THAT YOU CAN CATCH FISH.
YOU TAKE
A COUPLE OF PICTURES
SO YOU CAN SHOW PEOPLE
THE FISH
THAT YOU HAVE
THE ABILITY TO CATCH,
AND THEN YOU RELEASE IT
BACK INTO THE WATER.
BUT A LOT OF WOMEN IN HERE,
YOU HAVE BOYFRIENDS
OR HUSBANDS,
YOU WERE FISH THAT JUMPED
BACK ON THE BOAT...
AND JUST WAS, LIKE,
FLAPPING, LOOKING AT ME, LIKE...
"HI.
"I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU'RE GONNA BE
FISHING HERE AGAIN
NEXT WEEK, LIKE..."
"YEAH, FOR OTHER FISH.
GET OFF MY BOAT."
"IS THAT HOW YOU TREAT
ALL THE FISH?"
YOU BE LIKE, "OH, GODDAMN.
"NO, I'M SORRY, SWEETIE,
YOU'RE THE LAST FISH
I EVER WANTED TO BE WITH."
NOW YOU'RE STUCK.
STUCK WITH THE LAST FISH,
WHO WAS LOVING YOU
AND FIGHTING HARD
TO BE ON YOUR BOAT,
THEN SHE GOT COMFORTABLE,
AND NOW,
INSTEAD OF DOING THIS,
SHE'S LIKE, "SO...
"WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER
FOR, LIKE, A YEAR NOW.
WHY DO YOU STILL
HAVE A BOAT?"
YOU BE LIKE...
"SO WHAT YOU TRYING TO SAY,
I CAN'T CATCH FISH NO MORE?"
"WHY DO YOU NEED
TO CATCH A FISH?"
"BECAUSE IF I LOSE MY ABILITY
TO CATCH FISH,
"THEN YOU NOT GONNA
FIND ME SEXY NO MORE,
"SO YOU GOTTA SMELL FISH
ON ME
"SO THAT YOU KNOW
I CAN CATCH FISH
SO YOU CAN ACT RIGHT."
THAT'S LIKE, GUYS,
YOU MEET YOUR GIRL,
SHE WAS A HO.
LIKE, HAD HO--
LIKE SHE, BIG OL' BOOTY
AND THIS AND THAT.
YOU GOTTA LET HER DO THAT.
DON'T START TRYING
TO FRUMP HER UP
AND GET HER FAT
AND GET HER FOUL.
'CAUSE THAT'S
WHY YOU LIKE HER.
I DON'T WANT NO WOMAN
THAT NO OTHER GUY'S
TRYING TO FUCK.
I DON'T WANT A WOMAN
THAT I CAN SEND TO THE STORE
AT 2:00 IN THE MORNING,
'CAUSE NOBODY'S GONNA
TRY TO RAPE HER.
LIKE, I GO,
"GO GET SOME BREAD
AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
"HEY, CUT THROUGH
THE ALLEY, BITCH, 'CAUSE..."
"GIRL, I TALKED
TO THE JUNKIES.
THEY DON'T WANT IT.
THEY DON'T LIKE YOU."
AND I'M JUST--
TO BE FAIR TO WOMEN, UM,
YOU KNOW, IT'S...
LOOK, GOD HAS BEEN
VERY CRUEL TO YOU.
BEING A WOMAN
AS A CREATURE,
I THINK
IT'S JUST UNFAIR.
I WOULDN'T
WANT TO BE A WOMAN.
IT'S JUST...
I MEAN, LIKE, YOUR PERIOD,
LIKE,
I LOOK AT THAT AND--
AND SEE WHAT MY WOMAN
GO THROUGH
EVERY MONTH.
LIKE, IF MY NOSE BLED
EVERY MONTH,
I THINK I WOULD
KILL MYSELF.
I WOULD BE LIKE,
"MOTHER--OH, MY GOD, MAN."
YOU GOTTA STICK SOMETHING
IN YOUR NOSE
WITH A STRING HANGING OUT.
GOTTA TAKE THAT OUT,
WHAT, EVERY SEVEN SECONDS
OR WHATEVER.
AND FIVE DAYS
BEFORE YOUR NOSE BLEEDS,
YOU KNOW
IT'S GONNA BLEED,
BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN,
SO YOU JUST
SITTIN' THERE LIKE,
"WHEN IS MY NOSE
"GOING TO START BLEEDING?
OH, MY GOD!"
AND THEN IF YOUR NOSE DON'T
BLEED WHEN IT'S SUPPOSED TO,
YOU'RE LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD!
"MY NOSE IS SUPPOSED
TO BE BLEEDING BY NOW!"
"I'MA GO TO THE HOSPITAL
IF IT'S NOT BLEEDING SOON!"
AND Y'ALL GET HORNY
AND...
MY WOMAN GETS HORNY ON HER--
OH, MY GOD.
AND I AIN'T DOWN WITH THAT.
AND I SEE HER FACE,
LIKE IF I WOULD DO IT ONE TIME,
IT PROBABLY
WOULD CHANGE HER LIFE,
LIKE SHE WOULD BE
JUST SO GRATEFUL,
BUT I JUST CAN'T.
SHE'S LIKE, "COME ON.
"YOU KNOW, COME ON.
JUST...
JUST LAY A--COME ON,
LAY A TOWEL OR SOMETHING DOWN."
AND I WAS GONNA DO IT
ONE TIME,
BUT THEN I GOOGLED
THE WHOLE CYCLE.
THERE'S ALL KIND OF STUFF
HAP--I DON'T...
I SHARPENED A MOP STICK.
EVERY MONTH,
I JUST POKE HER,
I GO, "YAH! GET BACK!
"YAH! BACK!
GET IN THE CLOSET!
GET OUT OF HERE!"
SLIDE HER SOME RAW MEAT
UNDER THE DOOR.
"EAT THAT FOR A WEEK!
HA! GET BACK!"
IT'S SHOCKING.
LIKE, I KNOW,
LOOK, LIKE I SAID, I'M 40.
I CAN FEEL...
I CAN FEEL MY SEX DRIVE,
RIGHT?
I STILL LOVE WOMEN,
BUT I DON'T FEEL LIKE--
I DON'T FEEL LIKE HAVING SEX
LIKE THAT.
BUT I STILL LOVE
LOOKING AT 'EM, LIKE, "OH."
BUT HERE'S WHAT GOD
DID FOR MEN.
HE TURNED MY HORNINESS
INTO CREEPINESS.
LIKE, SO...
I CAN HAVE A GOOD TIME
SITTING AT THE MALL
WATCHING CHICKS TRYIN'
ON SNEAKERS AT THE FOOT LOCKER,
WITH THE CREEPY FACE, LIKE...
MMM!
I'M GOOD FOR THE DAY.
BUT WOMEN,
YOU DON'T GET CREEPY.
YOU GET HORNIER
AS YOU GET OLDER.
IT'S WEIRD,
YOU WANT TO DO ALL YOUR SEXIN'
BETWEEN THE AGES
OF 30 AND 50.
THAT'S WHEN YOU WANT IT.
BUT HERE'S HOW SAD
THINGS ARE.
THE VALUE OF VAGINA'S ONLY GOOD
FROM 18 TO 29.
PUSSY GET OLD LIKE BREAD,
NOT LIKE WINE. IT--
I DON'T WANT THE WAITER TO BRING
ME A VINTAGE GLASS OF TWAT.
HE'D BE LIKE,
"WOULD YOU LIKE A
"'52 LE STINKY VAGINA
FROM THE FUNK-FUNK REGION?"
YOU'D BE LIKE, "UGH!
"YOU AIN'T GOT A BETTER YEAR
THAN THAT?
"YOU AIN'T GOT A..."
"GOT A '89 DOWN THERE?
GIVE ME A '89.
"I DON'T CARE WHAT IT IS.
WATER, JUST '89."
I'M NOT SAYING
YOU NOT SEXY IF YOU--
IF YOU 40 OR WHATEVER.
I'M NOT--
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, WHATEVER.
I'M JUST SAYING
20 IS JUST...
20.
20.
WHO'S 20 DOWN HERE?
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
OLDER THAN 20?
I HEAR IT IN YOUR VOICE.
YOU SOUND LIKE YOU
CHEW CIGARETTES.
SHE'S JUST LIKE...
AS CUTE AS YOU ARE,
YOU CAN HEAR IT.
"I'M OLDER THAN 20."
'CAUSE WOMEN
WHO ARE NOT 20--
DID YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENED?
SHE RAISED HER HAND FAST.
"20! YAY!"
"AHEM, UM..."
"OLDER THAN 20."
20 YEARS--GOD.
I BET YOU YOUR PUSSY
TASTES LIKE HOPE.
I'M SORRY.
THAT WAS JUST RIDICULOUS.
BUT THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN
40-YEAR-OLD COOCH AND 20,
IT'S THE AMOUNT OF TIME
I WAIT. THAT'S IT.
20, I WAIT FOREVER.
JUST WAIT IN THE CORNER,
LIKE, "OH, IT'S GONNA HAPPEN.
I AM GOING TO WAIT
FOR THIS 20-YEAR-OLDNESS."
40, I--
A DATE.
TWO DATES.
TWO DATES,
AND THEN YOU GOTTA START
ROLLIN' THEM OLD DRAWERS DOWN.
FROM WHERE IT IS,
PULLED UP TO THE BRA.
I'M NOT SAYING YOU'RE NOT SEXY
IF YOU'RE 40--
I'M NOT. I'M JUST SAYING,
IT'S THE TIME, THAT'S IT.
LIKE, I WANT IT NOW.
IF I'M WILLING TO EAT
SOME STALE CRACKER JACKS,
I'LL EAT
SOME STALE CRACKER JACKS,
BUT I WANT 'EM RIGHT NOW.
IF I SAY, "HAND ME THEM STALE
CRACKER JACKS RIGHT THERE,"
AND YOU GO,
"COME AND GET 'EM,"
I'LL BE LIKE,
"JUST THROW 'EM
ON THE FLOOR.
"THEY OLD.
THE BOX IS OPEN
"THERE'S NO PRIZE
IN IT.
WHERE THE MAGNIFYING GLASS?"
"ONE PEANUT?
GET THAT--GET OUT OF HERE!"
MAKING ME CRAWL AROUND
FOR OLD CRACKER JACKS.
AND YOU WILL LAUGH AT THAT,
LADIES, IF
IT'S JUST NOT FUN
FOR YOU.
NOTHING'S FUN.
SEX ISN'T FUN.
SEX IS SO MUCH FUN
FOR DUDES.
'CAUSE WE GOT
A MONEY SHOT.
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SEE--
THE--THE--FEELING.
LIKE, WE BOTH
HAVE ORGASMS.
UHH! UHH!
BUT MEN HAVE A RECEIPT.
LIKE, WE...
WE SEE IT,
AND IT'S A PAYOFF.
YOU BE LIKE,
"I AM SATISFIED,
'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
LOOK AT IT."
YOU DON'T THINK
YOU'D BE HAPPIER, LADIES,
IF YOU COULD JUST
HAVE A--
IF YOU COULD JUST SHOOT
A COUPLE OF EGGS
IN A GUY'S FACE?
YOU JUST--FFF! FFF!--
RIGHT ON TOP
OF HIS FOREHEAD?
YOU WANT TO BE HAPPIER?
GET ON--FFF! UNH!
AND HE'S JUST SITTING THERE.
FFF! "UNH!"
AND YOU GO,
"AW, THAT FELT GOOD!
GO IN THE BATHROOM
AND WASH YOUR FACE."
HE'S WALKING
TO THE BATHROOM...
"OHH!"
WIPING HIS EYES.
"WHY ARE YOU SO AGGRESSIVE?"
YOU LIKE,
"SHUT UP, FAGGOT, AND...
HURRY UP AND MAKE ME
A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH."
CALL YOUR FRIENDS
ON THE PHONE,
"I JUST EGGED
ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD."
"DON'T TELL YOUR FRIENDS
OUR BUSINESS!"
"SHUT UP!
SHE ALREADY KNOWS
I EGG ON THE TOP
OF YOUR HEAD ALREADY."
HEY, I GOTTA GO, MAN.
Y'ALL TAKE CARE
OF YOURSELF.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU GUYS.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
APPRECIATE IT.