Pat Boone and Family (1978) - full transcript
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- Welcome to "Pat Boone and Family."
- Anyway, I looked forward to doing this show
for a long, long time.
And, of course, I'm going to have my wife
and my whole family on the show with me, Shirley and the kids.
Of course, they're not really kids anymore.
I've got to admit that. They've grown up.
And so has Shirley.
Laurey is 20, Debby's 21, Lindy's 22, and Cherry's 23.
And I have to keep Shirley's age a diplomatic secret.
I can only tell you that Grandma Shirley is older than Cherry
and I'm older than Shirley, which
is why we have Dick Van Patten with us tonight.
Because, well, I like to have somebody on the show
that's older than me.
Now, I know, I know that the Boones have a reputation
for being crazy, wild swingers...
Just wild, crazy guys, you know.
But don't believe it.
We're real home bodies, Shirley and I and the girls.
So we came up with the notion of doing this show at our home.
Unfortunately, there was a problem.
Shirley didn't mind the cameraman
with their cables, the sound crew, the lights.
It was the 38 musicians.
They drink.
We couldn't keep them out of the milk cellar.
And so that's why we decided to simplify everything by just
bringing our house here to you.
I think we've done a pretty good job of it.
[applause]
My wife Shirley, everybody.
Gee, you got a bigger hand than I did.
- Thank you.
I'm just oh so glad you could come over.
They're not all staying for dinner, are they?
- Well, I haven't asked them but it's a possibility.
- Please don't.
- You'll see Shirley in just a minute.
She's so cute, you know.
She takes after her daughters.
[applause]
My oldest daughter, Cherry, everybody.
- Hi.
Have you see my gold earring?
I can't find it anywhere.
- Gee, I could swear I put it back after I wore it last.
- Oh, daddy.
- Has anyone seen my earring?
- Our youngest daughter, Laurey, everybody.
- I'm sorry.
Someone stole my earring.
- There is definitely an earring thief on the loose.
- Laurey, what are you doing with my earring on?
- Your earring? - Mm-hm.
- This is my earring.
Remember, you outgrew it.
- Laurey, nobody outgrows earrings.
- Girls, listen, let's don't squabble here
in front of the company, OK? - Sorry, daddy.
Let's settle this in the house.
- They'll settle it in the house.
They're good at that.
[applause]
- This is our second daughter, Lindy.
- Daddy, is this outfit really flattering?
It would only take me a minute to change.
- Oh, no, I think it's just great.
You look positively...
expectant. I think it's great.
You got to meet her little son Ryan in just a little while,
and you will.
Where's your husband Doug?
- Oh, he's backstage in the kitchen boiling water.
- Boiling water?!
Honey, don't just stand there, lie down!
- Daddy, daddy, he's just making me a cup of tea.
I'm fine.
- Ooh.
[applause]
Whew.
That's the girl who turned a boy singer into a grandfather.
- Hi, Pat.
- Folks, Dick Van Patten.
[applause]
Dick, I've got to tell you that one of my favorite shows
is "Eight is Enough."
- Oh, thanks for the plug.
Do you really like my show? - Oh, I mean it.
I love it. I wouldn't miss it.
Now, Shirley-- - Oh, she doesn't like it?
- Oh, she likes it.
She loves it. She just thinks four is enough.
- Oh.
[laughs] Pat, I'm a little confused.
I was wondering if maybe you could straighten me out.
I mean, I know that I'm a guest on your show,
but now I was told that I'm going to your house.
- Right, yeah. - Well, what is it?
Am I a guest on your show or am I a guest in the house?
- That's right.
- Pat, have you been playing football without a helmet?
- [laughs] Hey, you know what I mean, Dick.
Just come on in. Make yourself at home.
The guest room is upstairs on the left.
- Oh, all right.
I'll see you later.
[applause]
- He's a great guy.
Hey, I want you to meet Maggie, Maggie our housekeeper.
This is Maggie, everybody.
[applause]
How about this?
They like you.
- I saw you on the Carson show last night.
- Did you really? - Yeah.
Don't wear green.
It's not good on you.
- How much time do we have, Woody?
- We have 30 seconds, Mr. Boone.
- OK, that'll be just about enough.
You folks sit back and-- - Hi.
- Oh, our resident recording star, Debby.
[applause]
- Oh, wow, did I ever just have the greatest session.
I can't wait for you to hear. - Great, oh, good.
- But that sound man, I'm telling you, Brooks
and I were talking--
- Honey, I think you better tell me about it in a little while.
We're going in 15 seconds.
You've got to change, don't you? - Oh, no.
Oh, no!
- She'll make it.
She'll make it.
[applause]
I'm very proud of Debby and the success
of that wonderful record "You Light Up My Life."
The awards, the acclaim...
I know the feeling.
It's been a long time but I know the feeling.
- 15 seconds.
- Oh, OK, thanks.
You know that song is such a great song.
I can remember the day it came here to the house,
right out in front here.
You know, Debby opened the mail that day...
I wonder, did it have her name on it or mine?
(SINGING) You light up my life.
You give me hope.
No, she wouldn't have done that to her own father.
[applause]
[music playing]
- It's the "Pat Boone and Family Hour."
Starring Pat and Shirley Boone.
And Cherry, Lindy, Laurey, and Debby Boone.
With guest star Parker Stevenson.
Co starring Perry Lang, Greg Lewis, and Fran Ryan.
And special guest star Dick Van Patten.
And now, here he is, everyone's favorite family man, Pat Boone!
[applause]
- Thank you.
Thank you, folks.
Welcome to the Boone house.
We'd like to start things out, Shirley and the girls and I--
I don't know where they went--
with a song that says pretty much the way
we feel about each other.
Shirley!
[music playing] They're late.
I don't know what's happened.
It's a song that we like a lot, though.
Shirley?
(SINGING) Life is a funny thing.
Sometimes you laugh and sing.
Sometimes you grumble and cuss.
But either way what do we care?
We've got us.
Where were you?
- Sorry.
- (SINGING) We have our ups and downs,
our share of smiles and frowns, but through it all
we don't fuss.
We got a special thing going.
We've got us.
- Girls?
- (SINGING) Why should the day-to-day worries that come
our way give us a moment of doubt?
When between you and me even catastrophe couldn't break up
what we got together.
So what if life's design gives us a minus sign?
We've got a mighty big plus.
Something that always will be there.
We got us.
- Look out.
Fred Astaire, eat your heart out!
- (SINGING) Birds of a feather.
We laugh at the weather.
We know that our feathers won't muss.
Not us!
We got us.
Life is a puddle you've just got to muddle through.
We know it ever was thus.
Why fuss?
We got us.
Some people like to go through their lives single.
Oh, that wouldn't suit us at all.
Why sing a melody as a soliloquy when it's
more fun to be harmonizing?
People may say we are crazy the way we are.
That we won't even discuss.
'Cause what we got they can't smother.
We'd trade our life for no other.
They've only got one another.
But we got, we got us.
We got us.
We got us.
[applause]
[music playing]
[camera snapping]
[knocking]
- Boone? - Yes?
- Elliot Grady.
Remember, I live two doors down?
- Oh, yeah, I see you every Thursday
when we take out the trash.
- And you must have some pretty classy garbage.
My dog's a snob and he won't eat anywhere else.
Just kidding, Boone, just kidding.
- Uh, just call me Pat, why don't you?
You know, after all, your dog comes over for dinner
every Thursday.
- [laughs] That's funny.
Speaking of dinner, I wonder if you can lend me an olive.
- An olive? - Yeah.
- I'll let you have a whole bottle.
- Oh, terrific!
Now, you got about two quarts of vodka to go with it?
See, we're having a little party around the swimming pool
and they're putting it away pretty good.
Well, gee, Elliot, I'm sorry.
We don't have any vodka here.
- Oh, don't apologize.
One man's vodka is another man's gin.
- We don't have any gin either.
- Scotch?
Bourbon?
Rye?
Ripple?
- Hey, I could let you have some apple juice.
- [laughs] Hey, that's really funny!
And you put it on with such a straight face.
- I'm not putting it on. This is my regular face.
- You're not serious.
You are serious?
He is serious.
You're not trying to tell me all that jive about you being
big on milk is on the level.
- Well, sure, milk is very healthful.
- For those under 21.
Patty boy, you're talking to a consenting adult.
- Well, Elliot, you like your drinks distilled,
I like mine homogenized.
- [laughs] Hey, come on, quit puttin' me on.
But I got to tell you, your daughters
inherited your sense of humor. - Really?
- You know what Debby told my daughter?
- No.
- That before she goes out with a guy,
you have him come over here and give him the third degree.
- Well, in a way, that's true.
- What do you mean in a way?
- It's true.
Actually, no, I tell you, we don't give them
the third degree. I was just kidding about that.
What we do is, we take him down in the cellar and we
handcuff him to a chair.
And then we shine a light in his eyes
and I play "April Love," you know, until he cracks.
- [laughs] I knew that Mr. Nice Guy image was just vicious
gossip.
Hey, listen, if you got a couple of minutes,
drop over to the party.
Oh, by the way, just got my membership to the Playboy Club.
Any time you want to use my key, feel free.
- Gee, Elliot, I--
Well, maybe next Easter I'll take my grandson over
and we'll look at the bunnies.
- [laughs] "Bunnies"!
Show business is funny.
[applause]
- Will you guys just relax?
I'm gonna do the number and that's that.
- Lindy, you're in no condition to rehearse this disco
number with us.
- Cherry, I'm as good as I ever was.
In fact, I'm twice as good.
- Oh, Lindy, come on, now be reasonable.
This number is awfully fast.
I think it's too much for you.
- Don't be silly, guys.
The baby is moving.
Why can't I?
[music playing]
(SINGING) Dance, dance, dance, dance.
Keep on dancing.
Dance, dance, dance, dance.
Dancing to the beat, feel the heat.
Move my feet.
Heading towards the floor, gonna get down.
Gonna get down some more.
Rumba, tango, Latin hustle, too.
Yowza, yowza, yowza, I wanna boogie with you.
It's the best disco in town, number one in disco sound.
It's the place where hip people meet.
Hey, hey!
It's the best disco in town.
Bump and boogie all around.
It's no place to sit in your seat.
Hey, hey!
People dress the best there.
The music does the rest there.
The very best sounds, so high class.
If you name a request, the DJ will do his best
to lay down your favorite sounds-- a new one
or maybe one out of the past.
On a day like today, we pass the time away.
Dancing, dancing, dance the night away.
I feel like dancing, dancing, dance the night away.
April love is for the very--
Dancing, dancing, dance the night away.
I feel like dancing, dancing.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Do, do, do, do, do.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Do, do, do, do, do.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,
do, wah.
The best disco in town.
Number one in disco sound.
It's the place where hip people meet.
Hey, hey!
It's the best disco in town.
Bump and boogie all around.
It's no place to sit in your seat.
Hey, hey!
Dance, dance.
Keep on dancing.
Dance, dance, keep on.
Dance.
- Oh, brother.
[applause]
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
- Uh, hello, Pat?
Listen, we're giving a party for my wife Saturday night
and I'd love to have you come.
- Sure, Don, for Barbra we'd love to.
Thanks. - Good.
I'll see you Saturday night then.
- OK, Don, you can count on us.
I'm sitting down.
Go ahead, where's the zinger, the insult?
- What zinger?
What insult?
- I can't believe "viper mouth" Don Rickles is gonna pass up
a chance to insult Pat Boone.
- Pat Boone?
I thought this was Pat O'Brien.
What am I talking to Pat Boone for?
Are you kidding me?
Pat Boone?
Why would I call up a nobody?
I only talk to big names.
Pat Boone.
The last time you were hot was in 1926,
when they were making sneakers.
Stop hanging around the milk truck saying, "Hi,
I'm Pat Boone." Nobody cares, Pat.
It's all over.
How long can you keep conning the people
with the young image? You're an old man.
I've seen you in the shower.
The whole left side of the body takes a cab.
- Don, does that mean I'm not invited to the party?
- Wild guess.
Wild guess.
Get out of my life, you real hockey puck.
[applause]
- He's all heart.
[camera snapping]
[applause]
[music playing]
- Oh, boy, what a game...
for them.
- Yeah, now I know how Custer felt. Whew, hey, Dick,
I gotta get some milk here, I think.
- What can I get for you, partner?
- Plasma.
- We're fresh out.
- Oh, oh, listen.
You know what I really want?
- Help yourself.
- This.
Oh, oh, does that feel good!
I could stay here all day.
- Hey, you better get your head out of there.
You'll catch cold. - Oh, no.
It feels so good.
- Well, you know one nice thing about losing,
we didn't have to jump the net.
Hey, Dick, I guess you haven't been
able to play much tennis lately, huh?
- Huh?
No, no, I play every day. Why?
But I guess with your heavy schedule,
I guess you don't get out there at all.
- Four or five times a week.
- Oh?
Dick, I've got a little tip for you--
- Listen, can I tell you something about your tennis--
Oh, I'm sorry, you first. - Oh, no, no.
You go ahead. - Uh, well, all right, thanks.
I don't want you to take this in the wrong light...
- Oh, look we're friends, aren't we?
Say what you want. - Of course, of course.
Now, listen, Pat, listen to me.
You have a very strong serve.
- Yeah.
- A very hard serve. - Yeah, it's a good serve.
- But what you've got to do is you've
got to practice to have a little control.
- Oh, does your head still hurt back here?
- Only when I blink.
- The swelling has gone down, anyway.
At least you can get your hat on now.
Dick, what I was going to say to you is that backhand of yours
is really fierce.
- Thanks.
- How is your--
- It smarts.
I don't mind telling you.
A metal racket really stings.
- Listen, I'm sorry.
It's just I didn't know that you were going for the ball.
- I kept yelling, "I've got it, I've got it!"
- I couldn't hear you.
My ears were still ringing from your serve.
- Dick, I had to serve hard because,
look, you were playing at the net
and it was a little sluggish.
- Well, I was trying to pace myself.
I never played with a grandfather before.
- Are you trying to say I'm playing like an old geezer?
- If the high-button shoe fits.
- Hey, what is it?
What are we doing this for?
We're friends, aren't we?
We had a bad day.
We got beat fair and square by a couple of great players.
And that's it.
- Yeah, you're right. - Yeah.
- I guess probably nobody could have beaten those two today,
right? - You're right.
You're right.
Yeah.
- Gee, I hope we didn't embarrass you guys too much
out there in front of all those people today.
- Hey, why don't you look at it this way?
It was really three against two.
- Hey, Deb, wait.
Can I clear something with you for the book that I'm writing?
- Sure.
- OK, remember, when you were 10 years old
and you were in love with Marlon Brando and you
wrote that letter and you put mommy's picture in with it?
Can I put that in?
- No, I don't want mommy to know about that.
I don't want anyone to know about that.
- Oh, come on.
Kids do crazy things.
So what?
- OK, you're right.
Hey, just don't forget to put in what
you said about your husband Dan after the first date.
- Just look at us.
I bet people think that we lead a glamorous life.
- Oh, I don't think so, honey.
They know we're just normal folks.
Besides, think of the money we're saving.
- I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.
- You know, you look sort of cute in that outfit?
- Oh, go on.
- No, I mean it.
(SINGING) You fill out that dress.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Like no gal I know.
- Sure, sure, sure.
- And I gotta confess.
- Ha, ha, ha.
- That I'm lucky to be your beau.
- Oh, you and your fancy flattery,
those sugary things you say. - You're nice to hold.
- You figure that if you flatter me
that you're gonna get your way.
- Good looking, too.
- So you tell me I'm real swell.
- And it's true.
- The minute you ring my bell.
- And I do.
- Well, oh swell.
Why do I get so fluttery?
I know it's a crafty plan.
- You're sweet to kiss.
- A typical trick to butter me and take me for all you can.
- It's love. It's love.
It's love. - But somehow I just don't care.
- Fine.
- So flutter away while I pull up a chair.
- Look at those legs there.
- 'Cause flattery will get you nowhere.
- Ha, well, then I quit.
- You fill out that suit.
- Hm, what's that?
- Like no man in town. - Who me?
No. - That torso's a beaut.
- Oh, go on.
- It's no wonder those girls fall down.
- I get the picture.
(SINGING) You and your fancy flattery,
you're laying it on for spite.
- You're big and strong.
- You figure you'll charge my battery
and I'll get too hot hot to fight.
- Good looking, too.
- It's time you were took in tow.
- Is that so? - That flattery stuff don't go.
- Uh-oh.
- Blow.
Oh, no.
Why do I get these crazy chills?
I ought to be roped and tied.
- You kiss so great.
- Sure as there's green in dollar bills,
you're taking me for a ride.
- You're wrong, it's love.
- But somehow I just don't care.
So flatter away while I pull up a chair.
- Just look at those muscles.
- Flattery will get you nowhere.
[whistling]
Hey, we're not so bad.
- And we're not so great either.
- Well, who knows, maybe we'll make "The Gong Show."
- I hope not.
- (SINGING) Heck, we've decided we don't care.
So flatter away while I pull up a chair.
We make such a cute pair.
Yeah, flattery will get you somewhere.
[applause]
- Folks, Shirley and I have been married now for, gee, how long?
25 years.
- [laughs] Hey, I just flew in from Las Vegas and boy are
my arms tired.
[laughs] Hey, but I wanna tell you.
- Will you excuse me?
My wife and I are entertaining.
- Hey, I'll be the judge of that.
[laughs]
- Wait a minute, who are you? - You're kidding.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been getting recognize a lot lately.
That's why I got these on. I'm The Unknown Comic.
It's me. [laughs]
- Well, I'm Pat Boone.
- Oh, yeah, The Unknown Singer!
All right.
- "Unknown Singer"?
Have you never heard of a lovely ballad called "April Love"?
- Hey, ballads aren't my bag.
- Well, what kind of songs do you like?
- Well, my favorite is "it's Only a Paper Bag."
[laughs] Get it?
All right.
- I suppose your favorite TV show is "Welcome Bag, Kotter."
- Hey, that's not funny, man.
- I kind of liked it.
- Yeah, you probably laugh every time he sings.
- Well, not every time.
- That's not funny.
- Are you really a comedian? - Am I really--
You gotta be kidding.
What do you get when you combine 50 female pigs
with 50 male deer?
100 sows and bucks.
[laughs] From "The Exorcist," my impression of Linda Blair.
- I gotta admit, that's very funny.
- Hey, look, Mr. Boone, is there any chance that I could like
get your autograph? - Sure.
- All right, here it goes.
Watch the bald spot.
OK. - All right, there you go.
- Hey, thank you.
I got some pictures for your daughter here of the Unknown
Comic.
Here you go, take a picture.
Hey, thank you very much.
OK, nice meeting you people.
[laughs] OK.
- Glad you dropped in.
- Oh, honey, you should really be proud of yourself.
- Really? Why?
- Because you just introduced a new face to television.
- (SINGING) The family tree.
The family tree.
Daddy says that there been famous
Boones down through history.
Your daddy says it, there is no doubt.
So stick around awhile, we know you're bound to find out.
It's plain to see.
We all agree.
There were very many famous Boones in our family tree.
If daddy says it, it must be true.
So take a trip with us to France, we'll prove it to you.
- Cyrano De Boonerac.
[knocking]
- Come in.
- Good morrow, fair lady.
Might I interest thee in an encyclopedia?
- Cyrano.
Thou hast returned.
- Fair lady, how dost thou knows my name?
- It is I, Roxanne, thy loving wife whom
thou has not seen in 20 years.
- Wife?
Madam, you must be mistaken.
I am afraid I don't remember thee.
- You don't remember me?
Why, I'm the woman you wrote love poems to.
- Poems?
I wrote poems?
If indeed I wast a poet, to this day I do not know it.
- Don't you remember our four daughters?
- Daughters, I sired four daughters?
- Surely, you remember.
When you came home from dueling all covered
with those tiny holes, they rushed
to meet you with their crayons and played connect the dots.
- Spit it out, woman.
You must be mistaken.
I've never seen you before in all my life.
And now, if you'll excuse me--
- Dear Cyrano, wait, I can prove it to thee.
Girls.
[whistling]
[laughing]
[applause]
- Well, they certainly do have my eyes.
- (SINGING) The family tree.
The family tree.
Do you think that there were famous Boones down
through history?
If daddy tells us about some gent who was a great inventor,
well, what did he invent?
- Alexander Graham Boone.
- Eureka, I've done it!
I've done it!
- Oh, done what, daddy?
Done what?
- Hey, I've invented this.
- Neat-o.
- I think it's so pretty.
But what does it do?
- I thought you'd never ask.
You're not as dumb as you look, daughter.
Watch this.
Watch this now, closely.
Pick this up in your left hand and then--
and then, here it comes.
- That's wonderful, Alexander.
- Yes, the Boone-a-matic milk dispenser.
Think of it, no more messy bottles!
[phone ringing]
- What's that?
- That's the only thing wrong with it.
If it weren't for that infernal ringing, it'd be perfect.
- (SINGING) It's plain to see.
We all agree.
There were many cuckoo, goony Boones in our family tree.
We hope you dug it and had some fun.
And if you did, we hope you'll be here next time when
we check our tree here. 'Cause daddy
says his family includes everyone.
[applause]
- I just love those girls.
They're so cute.
[laughing]
[applause]
- One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three.
- Hey, Cher.
I'll bet if you let go, you could stand up and walk just
like the rest of us.
- Very funny.
- See, I told you you could do it.
- Laurey, you are always bugging me about my exercises.
- You're always exercising.
- It just so happens I enjoy it.
It helps keep me in shape.
- Well, I like it, too.
You know, just yesterday I learned a new exercise.
You want to see it?
- OK.
- Here you go.
All right, get down.
- Yeah.
- Lift your right arm up, make a fist, stretch.
- Yeah.
- Left arm up make a fist, stretch.
- One, two, three.
- Yeah, that's good. You got it.
- Four.
One, two, three, four.
Hey, this is pretty good.
What do you call it?
- "A Midget Milking A Cow."
- You know, just like every other neighborhood,
we have a place where a man can go to relax and have--
- Honey, see you later.
- Bye, sweetheart. Have a nice time.
- OK.
- Anyway, as I was saying, a place
to relax, hear a few funny stories, and in Pat's case,
get away from a house full of females and meet the guys
and have a drink or two.
[whistling]
- Oh, good evening, Mr. Boone.
- Hey, Joey.
- Sit down. - OK.
- What'll it be?
- Oh, the usual.
- Right.
I forgot.
What is it?
Don't tell me.
Milk, right?
- Of course, it is.
Make it a double.
It's been a tough day. That's good.
One in the glass, one on the counter.
- You got it.
Don't worry, Mr. Boone, I got it.
- Hey, this tastes different.
- Oh, that's low fat.
I noticed you're getting a real pair of love handles, Mr.
Boone. - Love handles?
Are you kidding?
It's the way this shirt bags.
- [laughs] That's beautiful, "the way the shirt bags."
I got to remember that when I get old.
- Imagine.
What's this book you got there? - Oh, this?
It's a sample driver's test.
I'm gonna take it tomorrow.
- I'll bet you can hardly wait to get your license, huh?
- Yeah, can't drive without one forever.
Well, I got it down cold.
Just ask me anything, Mr. Boone.
- OK, happy to oblige.
When you're signaling for a left turn,
you should extend your left arm A,
straight out the window; B, bent upward; C, bent downward?
- D, none of the above.
- There is no D.
- Then they gotta be kidding, Mr. Boone.
Look, I'm driving down the road.
I got my arm around my girl.
I got my hand on the wheel.
I stick my arm out the window to make a turn, who's gonna steer?
- Joey, uh, maybe you shouldn't have your arm around a girl?
- You aren't her mother, Mr. Boone.
This is the 19th century.
[applause]
Mr. Boone, look!
There's George Burns!
- It is.
Hey, George Burns, hey.
- Pat.
- I'm surprised to see you in a place like this.
Do you come here often?
- At my age, I don't do anything often.
- George, I gotta tell you, though, you
look like you're in terrific shape.
- Thanks.
- Uh, Joey, I'll have my plate of two
raw eggs on a bed of uncooked seaweed with a side of bean
curd.
- Right, Mr. Burns, one Number Four coming right up.
- Oh, boy, I get it now.
That's how you keep your weight down, huh, George?
- That's right.
One look at this and I lose my appetite for a week.
Here you are, Joey.
I'll be in next week.
And I want the exact same thing.
- Oh, you got it, Mr. Burns.
[applause]
Nice guy, huh?
- Yeah, yeah, he sure is.
You know, Joey, you should be honored
that a big star like that comes in here
and doesn't eat your food.
- Oh, you don't realize, Mr. Boone, I am.
I-- [phone ringing]
It's the phone, Mr. Boone.
Milky Way, Joey speaking.
Mr. Boone, it's your wife.
Are you here?
- Of course, I'm here.
Give me the phone.
Hi, honey.
Hey, George Burns was just--
Oh, yeah, sure, OK.
I'll be right there.
Well, dinner's ready.
I gotta go, Joey.
- Mr. Boone, can I buy you one for the road?
- Are you kidding? I'm driving.
Bye, Joey.
- Love you, love you, Mr. Boone.
[applause]
- Hi, my name is-- - I know who you are.
Come on in.
Debby!
Debby!
Parker Stevenson's here.
[applause]
- Be right down.
- I tell you, it's people like you
who make people like me sorry they're not young enough
to go out with people like you.
- Did you watch "The Hardy Boys"?
- Oh, all the time.
And say, they tell me they're looking for a new Nancy Drew.
- I think they've already filled the part.
- There you are.
Same thing happened to me with that Cheryl Ladd.
There's our girl.
- Hi.
- Hi, Debby.
Gee, you look great.
- Mm, thanks, so do you.
- Thank you.
- Find out if he's got a slightly older brother.
- Some of the funny things that happen in family are--
- Daddy, excuse me.
- Yeah, what is it, Lindy?
- Do you remember the other day when
you said you wouldn't mind babysitting Ryan for me?
- Yeah, yeah. - Were you serious?
- Sure. Oh, I'd love to.
- Really? - Yeah, of course.
- Oh, thanks a lot, daddy.
- She's terrific, our little mommy.
Anyway, what I was telling you is
some of the funny things that happen
in the family are unexpected and they're embarrassing, but--
- Here, I think that there's everything that you need, OK?
- Now?
- Yeah, be a good boy, Ryan.
- Uh, I guess I'll have to finish that story
some other time, folks.
This is my grandson, Ryan.
Come on over here, pal.
You know, I have to laugh.
I have to laugh when your mom asks me
if I mind taking care of you.
Because I love to do it.
She doesn't know how much.
See, I haven't had a guy to talk to around
the house for so long now, I've been in the girl business.
Hey, what about that basketball game
we watched the other night on television, huh?
TV?
You know what TV is.
That's that big square thing you smear your food on.
And you're really liking this stuff.
Is it that good?
Mm-hm, yeah, I see what you like about it.
Ah, but when Big Bill Walton made that big slam dunk,
you know, to save the game in the last two seconds?
I thought we were both gonna have to get a new diaper.
Listen, I enjoy these little chats,
these little get-togethers.
Don't you tell your mom what we talk about now, OK?
Just between us, huh?
You know, your mom Lindy has done a lot of beautiful things
around our house here, but none more beautiful than you.
None more beautiful.
That's funny right there.
Gimme five.
That's it.
Yeah.
[laughs] You and I are going a long way together, pal.
Just you and me against the world.
Right?
[applause]
- Hey, Laurey, maybe you can help me.
- Sure, what is it?
- Well, you know with the condition I'm in,
Doug and I can't play basketball or go bowling
or go horseback riding.
And I'm really worried.
I'm afraid he's gonna get bored.
- Bored?
That's easy.
Play up your condition.
Keep him hopping.
Send him out for corn chips, tacos, chili, pizza,
sauerkraut.
- Laurey, I can't eat that kind of stuff.
I'm on a special diet.
- I'm not.
[laughing]
[applause]
Thank you, folks.
Thank you.
Ah, we had a terrific time tonight.
We did, we really did.
Didn't we, girls? Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
I hope you all liked the show.
And now that you folks know where we live, please just drop
in on our family anytime you're in the neighborhood, OK?
Good night.
- Good night.
[music playing]
- Also appearing in tonight's show was the Unknown Comic.
This is Dick Tufeld speaking.
[music playing]
---
- Welcome to "Pat Boone and Family."
- Anyway, I looked forward to doing this show
for a long, long time.
And, of course, I'm going to have my wife
and my whole family on the show with me, Shirley and the kids.
Of course, they're not really kids anymore.
I've got to admit that. They've grown up.
And so has Shirley.
Laurey is 20, Debby's 21, Lindy's 22, and Cherry's 23.
And I have to keep Shirley's age a diplomatic secret.
I can only tell you that Grandma Shirley is older than Cherry
and I'm older than Shirley, which
is why we have Dick Van Patten with us tonight.
Because, well, I like to have somebody on the show
that's older than me.
Now, I know, I know that the Boones have a reputation
for being crazy, wild swingers...
Just wild, crazy guys, you know.
But don't believe it.
We're real home bodies, Shirley and I and the girls.
So we came up with the notion of doing this show at our home.
Unfortunately, there was a problem.
Shirley didn't mind the cameraman
with their cables, the sound crew, the lights.
It was the 38 musicians.
They drink.
We couldn't keep them out of the milk cellar.
And so that's why we decided to simplify everything by just
bringing our house here to you.
I think we've done a pretty good job of it.
[applause]
My wife Shirley, everybody.
Gee, you got a bigger hand than I did.
- Thank you.
I'm just oh so glad you could come over.
They're not all staying for dinner, are they?
- Well, I haven't asked them but it's a possibility.
- Please don't.
- You'll see Shirley in just a minute.
She's so cute, you know.
She takes after her daughters.
[applause]
My oldest daughter, Cherry, everybody.
- Hi.
Have you see my gold earring?
I can't find it anywhere.
- Gee, I could swear I put it back after I wore it last.
- Oh, daddy.
- Has anyone seen my earring?
- Our youngest daughter, Laurey, everybody.
- I'm sorry.
Someone stole my earring.
- There is definitely an earring thief on the loose.
- Laurey, what are you doing with my earring on?
- Your earring? - Mm-hm.
- This is my earring.
Remember, you outgrew it.
- Laurey, nobody outgrows earrings.
- Girls, listen, let's don't squabble here
in front of the company, OK? - Sorry, daddy.
Let's settle this in the house.
- They'll settle it in the house.
They're good at that.
[applause]
- This is our second daughter, Lindy.
- Daddy, is this outfit really flattering?
It would only take me a minute to change.
- Oh, no, I think it's just great.
You look positively...
expectant. I think it's great.
You got to meet her little son Ryan in just a little while,
and you will.
Where's your husband Doug?
- Oh, he's backstage in the kitchen boiling water.
- Boiling water?!
Honey, don't just stand there, lie down!
- Daddy, daddy, he's just making me a cup of tea.
I'm fine.
- Ooh.
[applause]
Whew.
That's the girl who turned a boy singer into a grandfather.
- Hi, Pat.
- Folks, Dick Van Patten.
[applause]
Dick, I've got to tell you that one of my favorite shows
is "Eight is Enough."
- Oh, thanks for the plug.
Do you really like my show? - Oh, I mean it.
I love it. I wouldn't miss it.
Now, Shirley-- - Oh, she doesn't like it?
- Oh, she likes it.
She loves it. She just thinks four is enough.
- Oh.
[laughs] Pat, I'm a little confused.
I was wondering if maybe you could straighten me out.
I mean, I know that I'm a guest on your show,
but now I was told that I'm going to your house.
- Right, yeah. - Well, what is it?
Am I a guest on your show or am I a guest in the house?
- That's right.
- Pat, have you been playing football without a helmet?
- [laughs] Hey, you know what I mean, Dick.
Just come on in. Make yourself at home.
The guest room is upstairs on the left.
- Oh, all right.
I'll see you later.
[applause]
- He's a great guy.
Hey, I want you to meet Maggie, Maggie our housekeeper.
This is Maggie, everybody.
[applause]
How about this?
They like you.
- I saw you on the Carson show last night.
- Did you really? - Yeah.
Don't wear green.
It's not good on you.
- How much time do we have, Woody?
- We have 30 seconds, Mr. Boone.
- OK, that'll be just about enough.
You folks sit back and-- - Hi.
- Oh, our resident recording star, Debby.
[applause]
- Oh, wow, did I ever just have the greatest session.
I can't wait for you to hear. - Great, oh, good.
- But that sound man, I'm telling you, Brooks
and I were talking--
- Honey, I think you better tell me about it in a little while.
We're going in 15 seconds.
You've got to change, don't you? - Oh, no.
Oh, no!
- She'll make it.
She'll make it.
[applause]
I'm very proud of Debby and the success
of that wonderful record "You Light Up My Life."
The awards, the acclaim...
I know the feeling.
It's been a long time but I know the feeling.
- 15 seconds.
- Oh, OK, thanks.
You know that song is such a great song.
I can remember the day it came here to the house,
right out in front here.
You know, Debby opened the mail that day...
I wonder, did it have her name on it or mine?
(SINGING) You light up my life.
You give me hope.
No, she wouldn't have done that to her own father.
[applause]
[music playing]
- It's the "Pat Boone and Family Hour."
Starring Pat and Shirley Boone.
And Cherry, Lindy, Laurey, and Debby Boone.
With guest star Parker Stevenson.
Co starring Perry Lang, Greg Lewis, and Fran Ryan.
And special guest star Dick Van Patten.
And now, here he is, everyone's favorite family man, Pat Boone!
[applause]
- Thank you.
Thank you, folks.
Welcome to the Boone house.
We'd like to start things out, Shirley and the girls and I--
I don't know where they went--
with a song that says pretty much the way
we feel about each other.
Shirley!
[music playing] They're late.
I don't know what's happened.
It's a song that we like a lot, though.
Shirley?
(SINGING) Life is a funny thing.
Sometimes you laugh and sing.
Sometimes you grumble and cuss.
But either way what do we care?
We've got us.
Where were you?
- Sorry.
- (SINGING) We have our ups and downs,
our share of smiles and frowns, but through it all
we don't fuss.
We got a special thing going.
We've got us.
- Girls?
- (SINGING) Why should the day-to-day worries that come
our way give us a moment of doubt?
When between you and me even catastrophe couldn't break up
what we got together.
So what if life's design gives us a minus sign?
We've got a mighty big plus.
Something that always will be there.
We got us.
- Look out.
Fred Astaire, eat your heart out!
- (SINGING) Birds of a feather.
We laugh at the weather.
We know that our feathers won't muss.
Not us!
We got us.
Life is a puddle you've just got to muddle through.
We know it ever was thus.
Why fuss?
We got us.
Some people like to go through their lives single.
Oh, that wouldn't suit us at all.
Why sing a melody as a soliloquy when it's
more fun to be harmonizing?
People may say we are crazy the way we are.
That we won't even discuss.
'Cause what we got they can't smother.
We'd trade our life for no other.
They've only got one another.
But we got, we got us.
We got us.
We got us.
[applause]
[music playing]
[camera snapping]
[knocking]
- Boone? - Yes?
- Elliot Grady.
Remember, I live two doors down?
- Oh, yeah, I see you every Thursday
when we take out the trash.
- And you must have some pretty classy garbage.
My dog's a snob and he won't eat anywhere else.
Just kidding, Boone, just kidding.
- Uh, just call me Pat, why don't you?
You know, after all, your dog comes over for dinner
every Thursday.
- [laughs] That's funny.
Speaking of dinner, I wonder if you can lend me an olive.
- An olive? - Yeah.
- I'll let you have a whole bottle.
- Oh, terrific!
Now, you got about two quarts of vodka to go with it?
See, we're having a little party around the swimming pool
and they're putting it away pretty good.
Well, gee, Elliot, I'm sorry.
We don't have any vodka here.
- Oh, don't apologize.
One man's vodka is another man's gin.
- We don't have any gin either.
- Scotch?
Bourbon?
Rye?
Ripple?
- Hey, I could let you have some apple juice.
- [laughs] Hey, that's really funny!
And you put it on with such a straight face.
- I'm not putting it on. This is my regular face.
- You're not serious.
You are serious?
He is serious.
You're not trying to tell me all that jive about you being
big on milk is on the level.
- Well, sure, milk is very healthful.
- For those under 21.
Patty boy, you're talking to a consenting adult.
- Well, Elliot, you like your drinks distilled,
I like mine homogenized.
- [laughs] Hey, come on, quit puttin' me on.
But I got to tell you, your daughters
inherited your sense of humor. - Really?
- You know what Debby told my daughter?
- No.
- That before she goes out with a guy,
you have him come over here and give him the third degree.
- Well, in a way, that's true.
- What do you mean in a way?
- It's true.
Actually, no, I tell you, we don't give them
the third degree. I was just kidding about that.
What we do is, we take him down in the cellar and we
handcuff him to a chair.
And then we shine a light in his eyes
and I play "April Love," you know, until he cracks.
- [laughs] I knew that Mr. Nice Guy image was just vicious
gossip.
Hey, listen, if you got a couple of minutes,
drop over to the party.
Oh, by the way, just got my membership to the Playboy Club.
Any time you want to use my key, feel free.
- Gee, Elliot, I--
Well, maybe next Easter I'll take my grandson over
and we'll look at the bunnies.
- [laughs] "Bunnies"!
Show business is funny.
[applause]
- Will you guys just relax?
I'm gonna do the number and that's that.
- Lindy, you're in no condition to rehearse this disco
number with us.
- Cherry, I'm as good as I ever was.
In fact, I'm twice as good.
- Oh, Lindy, come on, now be reasonable.
This number is awfully fast.
I think it's too much for you.
- Don't be silly, guys.
The baby is moving.
Why can't I?
[music playing]
(SINGING) Dance, dance, dance, dance.
Keep on dancing.
Dance, dance, dance, dance.
Dancing to the beat, feel the heat.
Move my feet.
Heading towards the floor, gonna get down.
Gonna get down some more.
Rumba, tango, Latin hustle, too.
Yowza, yowza, yowza, I wanna boogie with you.
It's the best disco in town, number one in disco sound.
It's the place where hip people meet.
Hey, hey!
It's the best disco in town.
Bump and boogie all around.
It's no place to sit in your seat.
Hey, hey!
People dress the best there.
The music does the rest there.
The very best sounds, so high class.
If you name a request, the DJ will do his best
to lay down your favorite sounds-- a new one
or maybe one out of the past.
On a day like today, we pass the time away.
Dancing, dancing, dance the night away.
I feel like dancing, dancing, dance the night away.
April love is for the very--
Dancing, dancing, dance the night away.
I feel like dancing, dancing.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Do, do, do, do, do.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do.
Do, do, do, do, do.
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do,
do, wah.
The best disco in town.
Number one in disco sound.
It's the place where hip people meet.
Hey, hey!
It's the best disco in town.
Bump and boogie all around.
It's no place to sit in your seat.
Hey, hey!
Dance, dance.
Keep on dancing.
Dance, dance, keep on.
Dance.
- Oh, brother.
[applause]
[phone ringing]
- Hello?
- Uh, hello, Pat?
Listen, we're giving a party for my wife Saturday night
and I'd love to have you come.
- Sure, Don, for Barbra we'd love to.
Thanks. - Good.
I'll see you Saturday night then.
- OK, Don, you can count on us.
I'm sitting down.
Go ahead, where's the zinger, the insult?
- What zinger?
What insult?
- I can't believe "viper mouth" Don Rickles is gonna pass up
a chance to insult Pat Boone.
- Pat Boone?
I thought this was Pat O'Brien.
What am I talking to Pat Boone for?
Are you kidding me?
Pat Boone?
Why would I call up a nobody?
I only talk to big names.
Pat Boone.
The last time you were hot was in 1926,
when they were making sneakers.
Stop hanging around the milk truck saying, "Hi,
I'm Pat Boone." Nobody cares, Pat.
It's all over.
How long can you keep conning the people
with the young image? You're an old man.
I've seen you in the shower.
The whole left side of the body takes a cab.
- Don, does that mean I'm not invited to the party?
- Wild guess.
Wild guess.
Get out of my life, you real hockey puck.
[applause]
- He's all heart.
[camera snapping]
[applause]
[music playing]
- Oh, boy, what a game...
for them.
- Yeah, now I know how Custer felt. Whew, hey, Dick,
I gotta get some milk here, I think.
- What can I get for you, partner?
- Plasma.
- We're fresh out.
- Oh, oh, listen.
You know what I really want?
- Help yourself.
- This.
Oh, oh, does that feel good!
I could stay here all day.
- Hey, you better get your head out of there.
You'll catch cold. - Oh, no.
It feels so good.
- Well, you know one nice thing about losing,
we didn't have to jump the net.
Hey, Dick, I guess you haven't been
able to play much tennis lately, huh?
- Huh?
No, no, I play every day. Why?
But I guess with your heavy schedule,
I guess you don't get out there at all.
- Four or five times a week.
- Oh?
Dick, I've got a little tip for you--
- Listen, can I tell you something about your tennis--
Oh, I'm sorry, you first. - Oh, no, no.
You go ahead. - Uh, well, all right, thanks.
I don't want you to take this in the wrong light...
- Oh, look we're friends, aren't we?
Say what you want. - Of course, of course.
Now, listen, Pat, listen to me.
You have a very strong serve.
- Yeah.
- A very hard serve. - Yeah, it's a good serve.
- But what you've got to do is you've
got to practice to have a little control.
- Oh, does your head still hurt back here?
- Only when I blink.
- The swelling has gone down, anyway.
At least you can get your hat on now.
Dick, what I was going to say to you is that backhand of yours
is really fierce.
- Thanks.
- How is your--
- It smarts.
I don't mind telling you.
A metal racket really stings.
- Listen, I'm sorry.
It's just I didn't know that you were going for the ball.
- I kept yelling, "I've got it, I've got it!"
- I couldn't hear you.
My ears were still ringing from your serve.
- Dick, I had to serve hard because,
look, you were playing at the net
and it was a little sluggish.
- Well, I was trying to pace myself.
I never played with a grandfather before.
- Are you trying to say I'm playing like an old geezer?
- If the high-button shoe fits.
- Hey, what is it?
What are we doing this for?
We're friends, aren't we?
We had a bad day.
We got beat fair and square by a couple of great players.
And that's it.
- Yeah, you're right. - Yeah.
- I guess probably nobody could have beaten those two today,
right? - You're right.
You're right.
Yeah.
- Gee, I hope we didn't embarrass you guys too much
out there in front of all those people today.
- Hey, why don't you look at it this way?
It was really three against two.
- Hey, Deb, wait.
Can I clear something with you for the book that I'm writing?
- Sure.
- OK, remember, when you were 10 years old
and you were in love with Marlon Brando and you
wrote that letter and you put mommy's picture in with it?
Can I put that in?
- No, I don't want mommy to know about that.
I don't want anyone to know about that.
- Oh, come on.
Kids do crazy things.
So what?
- OK, you're right.
Hey, just don't forget to put in what
you said about your husband Dan after the first date.
- Just look at us.
I bet people think that we lead a glamorous life.
- Oh, I don't think so, honey.
They know we're just normal folks.
Besides, think of the money we're saving.
- I'm thinking.
I'm thinking.
- You know, you look sort of cute in that outfit?
- Oh, go on.
- No, I mean it.
(SINGING) You fill out that dress.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Like no gal I know.
- Sure, sure, sure.
- And I gotta confess.
- Ha, ha, ha.
- That I'm lucky to be your beau.
- Oh, you and your fancy flattery,
those sugary things you say. - You're nice to hold.
- You figure that if you flatter me
that you're gonna get your way.
- Good looking, too.
- So you tell me I'm real swell.
- And it's true.
- The minute you ring my bell.
- And I do.
- Well, oh swell.
Why do I get so fluttery?
I know it's a crafty plan.
- You're sweet to kiss.
- A typical trick to butter me and take me for all you can.
- It's love. It's love.
It's love. - But somehow I just don't care.
- Fine.
- So flutter away while I pull up a chair.
- Look at those legs there.
- 'Cause flattery will get you nowhere.
- Ha, well, then I quit.
- You fill out that suit.
- Hm, what's that?
- Like no man in town. - Who me?
No. - That torso's a beaut.
- Oh, go on.
- It's no wonder those girls fall down.
- I get the picture.
(SINGING) You and your fancy flattery,
you're laying it on for spite.
- You're big and strong.
- You figure you'll charge my battery
and I'll get too hot hot to fight.
- Good looking, too.
- It's time you were took in tow.
- Is that so? - That flattery stuff don't go.
- Uh-oh.
- Blow.
Oh, no.
Why do I get these crazy chills?
I ought to be roped and tied.
- You kiss so great.
- Sure as there's green in dollar bills,
you're taking me for a ride.
- You're wrong, it's love.
- But somehow I just don't care.
So flatter away while I pull up a chair.
- Just look at those muscles.
- Flattery will get you nowhere.
[whistling]
Hey, we're not so bad.
- And we're not so great either.
- Well, who knows, maybe we'll make "The Gong Show."
- I hope not.
- (SINGING) Heck, we've decided we don't care.
So flatter away while I pull up a chair.
We make such a cute pair.
Yeah, flattery will get you somewhere.
[applause]
- Folks, Shirley and I have been married now for, gee, how long?
25 years.
- [laughs] Hey, I just flew in from Las Vegas and boy are
my arms tired.
[laughs] Hey, but I wanna tell you.
- Will you excuse me?
My wife and I are entertaining.
- Hey, I'll be the judge of that.
[laughs]
- Wait a minute, who are you? - You're kidding.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been getting recognize a lot lately.
That's why I got these on. I'm The Unknown Comic.
It's me. [laughs]
- Well, I'm Pat Boone.
- Oh, yeah, The Unknown Singer!
All right.
- "Unknown Singer"?
Have you never heard of a lovely ballad called "April Love"?
- Hey, ballads aren't my bag.
- Well, what kind of songs do you like?
- Well, my favorite is "it's Only a Paper Bag."
[laughs] Get it?
All right.
- I suppose your favorite TV show is "Welcome Bag, Kotter."
- Hey, that's not funny, man.
- I kind of liked it.
- Yeah, you probably laugh every time he sings.
- Well, not every time.
- That's not funny.
- Are you really a comedian? - Am I really--
You gotta be kidding.
What do you get when you combine 50 female pigs
with 50 male deer?
100 sows and bucks.
[laughs] From "The Exorcist," my impression of Linda Blair.
- I gotta admit, that's very funny.
- Hey, look, Mr. Boone, is there any chance that I could like
get your autograph? - Sure.
- All right, here it goes.
Watch the bald spot.
OK. - All right, there you go.
- Hey, thank you.
I got some pictures for your daughter here of the Unknown
Comic.
Here you go, take a picture.
Hey, thank you very much.
OK, nice meeting you people.
[laughs] OK.
- Glad you dropped in.
- Oh, honey, you should really be proud of yourself.
- Really? Why?
- Because you just introduced a new face to television.
- (SINGING) The family tree.
The family tree.
Daddy says that there been famous
Boones down through history.
Your daddy says it, there is no doubt.
So stick around awhile, we know you're bound to find out.
It's plain to see.
We all agree.
There were very many famous Boones in our family tree.
If daddy says it, it must be true.
So take a trip with us to France, we'll prove it to you.
- Cyrano De Boonerac.
[knocking]
- Come in.
- Good morrow, fair lady.
Might I interest thee in an encyclopedia?
- Cyrano.
Thou hast returned.
- Fair lady, how dost thou knows my name?
- It is I, Roxanne, thy loving wife whom
thou has not seen in 20 years.
- Wife?
Madam, you must be mistaken.
I am afraid I don't remember thee.
- You don't remember me?
Why, I'm the woman you wrote love poems to.
- Poems?
I wrote poems?
If indeed I wast a poet, to this day I do not know it.
- Don't you remember our four daughters?
- Daughters, I sired four daughters?
- Surely, you remember.
When you came home from dueling all covered
with those tiny holes, they rushed
to meet you with their crayons and played connect the dots.
- Spit it out, woman.
You must be mistaken.
I've never seen you before in all my life.
And now, if you'll excuse me--
- Dear Cyrano, wait, I can prove it to thee.
Girls.
[whistling]
[laughing]
[applause]
- Well, they certainly do have my eyes.
- (SINGING) The family tree.
The family tree.
Do you think that there were famous Boones down
through history?
If daddy tells us about some gent who was a great inventor,
well, what did he invent?
- Alexander Graham Boone.
- Eureka, I've done it!
I've done it!
- Oh, done what, daddy?
Done what?
- Hey, I've invented this.
- Neat-o.
- I think it's so pretty.
But what does it do?
- I thought you'd never ask.
You're not as dumb as you look, daughter.
Watch this.
Watch this now, closely.
Pick this up in your left hand and then--
and then, here it comes.
- That's wonderful, Alexander.
- Yes, the Boone-a-matic milk dispenser.
Think of it, no more messy bottles!
[phone ringing]
- What's that?
- That's the only thing wrong with it.
If it weren't for that infernal ringing, it'd be perfect.
- (SINGING) It's plain to see.
We all agree.
There were many cuckoo, goony Boones in our family tree.
We hope you dug it and had some fun.
And if you did, we hope you'll be here next time when
we check our tree here. 'Cause daddy
says his family includes everyone.
[applause]
- I just love those girls.
They're so cute.
[laughing]
[applause]
- One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three, four.
One, two, three.
- Hey, Cher.
I'll bet if you let go, you could stand up and walk just
like the rest of us.
- Very funny.
- See, I told you you could do it.
- Laurey, you are always bugging me about my exercises.
- You're always exercising.
- It just so happens I enjoy it.
It helps keep me in shape.
- Well, I like it, too.
You know, just yesterday I learned a new exercise.
You want to see it?
- OK.
- Here you go.
All right, get down.
- Yeah.
- Lift your right arm up, make a fist, stretch.
- Yeah.
- Left arm up make a fist, stretch.
- One, two, three.
- Yeah, that's good. You got it.
- Four.
One, two, three, four.
Hey, this is pretty good.
What do you call it?
- "A Midget Milking A Cow."
- You know, just like every other neighborhood,
we have a place where a man can go to relax and have--
- Honey, see you later.
- Bye, sweetheart. Have a nice time.
- OK.
- Anyway, as I was saying, a place
to relax, hear a few funny stories, and in Pat's case,
get away from a house full of females and meet the guys
and have a drink or two.
[whistling]
- Oh, good evening, Mr. Boone.
- Hey, Joey.
- Sit down. - OK.
- What'll it be?
- Oh, the usual.
- Right.
I forgot.
What is it?
Don't tell me.
Milk, right?
- Of course, it is.
Make it a double.
It's been a tough day. That's good.
One in the glass, one on the counter.
- You got it.
Don't worry, Mr. Boone, I got it.
- Hey, this tastes different.
- Oh, that's low fat.
I noticed you're getting a real pair of love handles, Mr.
Boone. - Love handles?
Are you kidding?
It's the way this shirt bags.
- [laughs] That's beautiful, "the way the shirt bags."
I got to remember that when I get old.
- Imagine.
What's this book you got there? - Oh, this?
It's a sample driver's test.
I'm gonna take it tomorrow.
- I'll bet you can hardly wait to get your license, huh?
- Yeah, can't drive without one forever.
Well, I got it down cold.
Just ask me anything, Mr. Boone.
- OK, happy to oblige.
When you're signaling for a left turn,
you should extend your left arm A,
straight out the window; B, bent upward; C, bent downward?
- D, none of the above.
- There is no D.
- Then they gotta be kidding, Mr. Boone.
Look, I'm driving down the road.
I got my arm around my girl.
I got my hand on the wheel.
I stick my arm out the window to make a turn, who's gonna steer?
- Joey, uh, maybe you shouldn't have your arm around a girl?
- You aren't her mother, Mr. Boone.
This is the 19th century.
[applause]
Mr. Boone, look!
There's George Burns!
- It is.
Hey, George Burns, hey.
- Pat.
- I'm surprised to see you in a place like this.
Do you come here often?
- At my age, I don't do anything often.
- George, I gotta tell you, though, you
look like you're in terrific shape.
- Thanks.
- Uh, Joey, I'll have my plate of two
raw eggs on a bed of uncooked seaweed with a side of bean
curd.
- Right, Mr. Burns, one Number Four coming right up.
- Oh, boy, I get it now.
That's how you keep your weight down, huh, George?
- That's right.
One look at this and I lose my appetite for a week.
Here you are, Joey.
I'll be in next week.
And I want the exact same thing.
- Oh, you got it, Mr. Burns.
[applause]
Nice guy, huh?
- Yeah, yeah, he sure is.
You know, Joey, you should be honored
that a big star like that comes in here
and doesn't eat your food.
- Oh, you don't realize, Mr. Boone, I am.
I-- [phone ringing]
It's the phone, Mr. Boone.
Milky Way, Joey speaking.
Mr. Boone, it's your wife.
Are you here?
- Of course, I'm here.
Give me the phone.
Hi, honey.
Hey, George Burns was just--
Oh, yeah, sure, OK.
I'll be right there.
Well, dinner's ready.
I gotta go, Joey.
- Mr. Boone, can I buy you one for the road?
- Are you kidding? I'm driving.
Bye, Joey.
- Love you, love you, Mr. Boone.
[applause]
- Hi, my name is-- - I know who you are.
Come on in.
Debby!
Debby!
Parker Stevenson's here.
[applause]
- Be right down.
- I tell you, it's people like you
who make people like me sorry they're not young enough
to go out with people like you.
- Did you watch "The Hardy Boys"?
- Oh, all the time.
And say, they tell me they're looking for a new Nancy Drew.
- I think they've already filled the part.
- There you are.
Same thing happened to me with that Cheryl Ladd.
There's our girl.
- Hi.
- Hi, Debby.
Gee, you look great.
- Mm, thanks, so do you.
- Thank you.
- Find out if he's got a slightly older brother.
- Some of the funny things that happen in family are--
- Daddy, excuse me.
- Yeah, what is it, Lindy?
- Do you remember the other day when
you said you wouldn't mind babysitting Ryan for me?
- Yeah, yeah. - Were you serious?
- Sure. Oh, I'd love to.
- Really? - Yeah, of course.
- Oh, thanks a lot, daddy.
- She's terrific, our little mommy.
Anyway, what I was telling you is
some of the funny things that happen
in the family are unexpected and they're embarrassing, but--
- Here, I think that there's everything that you need, OK?
- Now?
- Yeah, be a good boy, Ryan.
- Uh, I guess I'll have to finish that story
some other time, folks.
This is my grandson, Ryan.
Come on over here, pal.
You know, I have to laugh.
I have to laugh when your mom asks me
if I mind taking care of you.
Because I love to do it.
She doesn't know how much.
See, I haven't had a guy to talk to around
the house for so long now, I've been in the girl business.
Hey, what about that basketball game
we watched the other night on television, huh?
TV?
You know what TV is.
That's that big square thing you smear your food on.
And you're really liking this stuff.
Is it that good?
Mm-hm, yeah, I see what you like about it.
Ah, but when Big Bill Walton made that big slam dunk,
you know, to save the game in the last two seconds?
I thought we were both gonna have to get a new diaper.
Listen, I enjoy these little chats,
these little get-togethers.
Don't you tell your mom what we talk about now, OK?
Just between us, huh?
You know, your mom Lindy has done a lot of beautiful things
around our house here, but none more beautiful than you.
None more beautiful.
That's funny right there.
Gimme five.
That's it.
Yeah.
[laughs] You and I are going a long way together, pal.
Just you and me against the world.
Right?
[applause]
- Hey, Laurey, maybe you can help me.
- Sure, what is it?
- Well, you know with the condition I'm in,
Doug and I can't play basketball or go bowling
or go horseback riding.
And I'm really worried.
I'm afraid he's gonna get bored.
- Bored?
That's easy.
Play up your condition.
Keep him hopping.
Send him out for corn chips, tacos, chili, pizza,
sauerkraut.
- Laurey, I can't eat that kind of stuff.
I'm on a special diet.
- I'm not.
[laughing]
[applause]
Thank you, folks.
Thank you.
Ah, we had a terrific time tonight.
We did, we really did.
Didn't we, girls? Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
I hope you all liked the show.
And now that you folks know where we live, please just drop
in on our family anytime you're in the neighborhood, OK?
Good night.
- Good night.
[music playing]
- Also appearing in tonight's show was the Unknown Comic.
This is Dick Tufeld speaking.
[music playing]