Particles of Truth (2003) - full transcript

I'm totally optimistic,
totally pessimistic.

I love myself.
I can't stand myself.

No!

I'm intelligent.
I'm so dumb it scares me.

I'm strong.
I'm a weakling.

I'm so bored I'm depressed.
I'm so depressed I'm bored.

I'm filled with potential,
and I have hostile frustration.

Fucking lie to me!

My own fluctuations
embarrass me.

But whatever I am...

I was born to two
sixteen-year-old degenerates...



and I am totally flawed.

These are my conflicts.

This is my window.

This is my head.

God is love,
God is love

Praise him, praise him,
all ye little children

God is love,
God is love

Good morning.

Will?

Yes. It's not like that.
Will's a good Christian.

I don't trust him.

I didn't know
you were out here.

Well, I am.

So why don't you
take your zebra stripes...



back into the bedroom?

You're just jealous...

because you haven't dated
anyone in a year.

I would rather
play with myself...

until I got
raw and blistered.

You're disgusting.

Don't ever leave him
in the apartment alone.

She just needs
to get laid.

Where's the salt?

Hello.

Speaking.

The opening's
tomorrow night.

Five to 4:00.

Well, so far,
The Voice is coming.

Art Forum
should be here.

And I spoke to The Times.

Don't worry. These artists
will really move you.

Good.

See you tomorrow night.

What's up
with the canvases?

I just put it on so that...

you know, the dust doesn't
settle on my paintings.

Oh.

Just make sure you don't
forget to take them off.

I'm not inviting people
here to see nothing.

I know.

You're talented, Lilli.

Hello.

Hello. Lilli?
This is Grandpa Black.

Are you going to
visit your father bec...

There it is.

What do you think?

It looks nothing like me.

That looks exactly like you.

Now can you give me my money?
Because I've got to go.

You gave me water.
I can feel that I'm not high.

I'm looking
in the mirror,

and I can see
I'm not fucking high.

Charles... you're
my best friend, right?

Tell my fucking wasted wife
she's fucking high, man.

OK.

You're high.

I think I saw you
crossing the street earlier.

Right. I think
I saw you...

watching me cross
the street earlier.

I'm Morrison.

I'm Lilli.

Would you like
to have lunch with me?

No.

Why not?

Well, why not?
Yeah, I'm going to have lunch...

with some guy that
drives around in his car...

trying to pick up girls.
I don't think so.

I don't "pick up girls."

I don't, you know,
believe what people tell me.

Trust can bring
a lot of false hope.

And not trusting at all
can bring a lot of Ioneliness.

So, if we were to go out
for lunch, where would we go?

I have turkey and tuna...

but if you wanted
something else...

we could always stop
and pick it up.

Turkey and tuna.

So, do you normally
conduct business...

and serve sandwiches
out of your car?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

What are you
so scared of?

Leaving my car,
leaving my apartment.

Germs mostly.

So, how do you go
on the subway?

I have never and never will
ever go anywhere near a subway.

You're kidding, right?

OK, I will split
this turkey sandwich with you...

if you get out
of the car.

- Can't leave.
- Why not?

- I don't want to.
- What's the big deal?

You can do it.
Come on.

Don't patronize me.
I'm not... totally defective.

Prove it.

Jesus Christ, thank you
for this beautiful day...

with the sun shining.
We have viewed thy grace.

Thank you for this beautiful
church, this place of worship...

and my sisters.

God, help us as we're striving
to do your work.

- Amen.
- Amen.

So, what did you
want to talk about?

Sometimes my father
slaps my butt...

and it makes me feel
disgusting.

Sometimes parents
express their affection...

in inappropriate ways.

So, you basically
use germs...

to distance yourself
from the world.

Yeah. What do you use?

Let me guess.

Your personality.

Funny.

Is that a family trait?

No. My family
is very normal.

Where do they live?

Well, let's see.
My father lives in Arizona.

He's dying
of lung cancer.

And my mom lives here
and works and stuff.

You know,
they're very normal.

Yeah. You just said
they were very normal twice.

I'm sorry
about your father.

So is he.

Does he do anything else that
makes you feel uncomfortable?

I bet your daddy
really loves you.

You're a phony asshole.

So... what do you do?

I drive around in my car,
and I watch people...

and I write down what I think
they're thinking about.

And I just had
a book published.

It's called...

"Notes from a Vehicle."

That's great.

I paint. I mean, I'm not,
like, a housepainter.

You know,
I'm doing a show.

Hopefully, the people that come
won't think I suck.

Why would they?

I don't know.

You know, overall,
I'm not impressed with people...

and yet, you know,
I still care what they think.

It's pretty fucking pathetic.

I don't think it matters
how successful you are.

You can always
feel like a failure.

So, are you parents supportive?

Yo, Reg, my brother.
What's up, man?

Come in my house.

What you want, man?
What you want?

I want to see you. I want to
share some time with you.

Come on, man.
Come in.

Have a seat.

Reggie, you're my friend,
you're my neighbor...

and I trust you.

I want an opinion, man.
My little girl's an artist.

She is talented.

You really think so, dad?

I sure do, sweetie.
Show Mr. Rich.

That's a girl.

I mean, my dad,
you know...

he would tell me
that he thought I was talented.

Well, that's the way
it should be.

When was the last time
you saw your father?

I don't know.
A year ago.

Don't you think
that's strange?

I think everything is strange.

So... what did your dad say
when he read your book?

I don't know.

Your dad's never
read your book, has he?

You think you ever know...

what's going on
in somebody else's head?

I think you feel people.
You get an instinct.

If you want, you could...

Come by the gallery
tomorrow night.

8:30.

No.

I don't really like to be
around a lot of people.

I'm usually alone.

Well, you should probably...

ask your dad if he's
ever read your book.

And thanks for
that turkey sandwich.

I mean, the turkey
was a little dry...

but it was pretty good.

I like talking to you.

I liked talking
to you, too.

Want me to ring up
to your daddy?

Yeah, I know.
Don't tell him who it's from.

Thanks.

Your father and I
have orchestra seats...

for Wagner's "Und Isolde"
tomorrow at the Met.

I'm so glad
you came for dinner.

So, are you happy
with the reviews?

I haven't read them.

Our friend Dr. Shapiro
read your book.

He said he thought
you seemed depressed.

I told him my son has always
felt deeply about things...

and if the doctor can only
equate depth with depression...

perhaps he's projecting
and to try to figure out...

what's wrong with him.

You should put
your glasses on.

Anyway, I did tell him
that when you were twelve...

you spent the month
of June in your room...

because you wanted to think.

It was just after
I passed my kidney stone.

You were always a Ionely kid.

I work in Harlem.
What are you doing up here?

Sure, I understand.
It's a secret.

So, if I were to go
into a store right now...

and buy a copy
of your book...

how much would you get?

I don't know.

What do you think?

Richard.

Are you working on
a second book?

I just finished this one.

Lilli, you ever felt
so much pain...

that you just wanted to
tear out your insides?

What are the odds that you'll
be able to support kids...

on the income from this one?

I don't have... kids.

What are you saying?

Nothing. I'm just saying
that I don't have kids.

I hate my family.

They hate me.

Yeah. Well, family can be
fucked, right?

I'd stick my finger
into existence...

And it smells of nothing.

Kierkegaard.

That is so funny, because I
stuck my finger up my ass once.

And it smelled like shit.

See, I think that you take
yourself a little too serious.

So, if you don't mind...

I'm trying to read.

What are you reading?

Dad... have you ever read...

Like a clock.

He is so... regular.

You know, Lilli...

no one's had a more fucked-up
childhood than me.

Hey, Shorts.

How was school?

Come here.

Come on. Come here.

Mom went out.

See, now... I never
even knew my mom.

No, she did not even love me
enough to keep me.

She put me up for adoption.

She gave me this.

Pretty, isn't it?
It's a butterfly.

Come here.

Promise daddy that you'll
wear this until the day I die.

OK? Good.

All right, come here close.
That's a girl.

Let me see.

Honey, nobody has had
a fucked-up childhood as I had.

Shit.

No, I have it.

I'll help you.

- I have it.
- I'll help you.

Jesus Christ.

You see, I can be
a gentleman.

I'll be there tomorrow night.

Come by. It'll be fun.

You see, I don't really
take myself that serious.

Oh! My...

You fuck!

Excuse me. Did you ever hear
of a book called...

"Notes from a Vehicle?"

Yeah. It's right behind you.

Thanks.

Look, I don't know.

Why don't you try
the computer section upstairs?

Yeah, tomorrow is great.

Bye.

He hasn't called yet.

That's because he's too busy
wandering subway cars.

I just saw him.

He stole my fucking necklace.

Do you believe in God?

No.

If you love yourself
and you love thy neighbor...

and you love God...

That's all you need.

A year ago, I tried
to kill myself.

But then I found God.

God is my salvation.

Listen...

your triangle concept...
it's great.

But I'm telling you,
he's a fucking psycho.

I'm not skeptical
of everyone, like you.

I trust what people tell me.

Maybe that's the problem.

It's OK.

Catherine, put on your pajamas.

New York.

Black, Lilli.

And could I also have
an address with that?

Hi. It's mom.

Hope you're going
to grandma's today...

for Christina's birthday.

I'll pay you back
the money you lent me...

when I get paid.

I promise I'll
pay you back this time.

Hello.

Hello, Lilli.
This is Grandpa Black.

Your father has refused
to go to the hospital.

He's refused
intravenous therapies.

He wants to be left alone.

Lilli, your father's
going to die.

Has Grandma Black visited him?

No. She won't go.

Why? Because he's adopted?

- What?
- Let me ask you.

Have you visited him at all?

No.

When you and grandma...

decide to pay my father,
your son, a visit...

you should, you know,
definitely give me a call...

because we can make it
a little family outing.

Lilli, please don't...

Lilli?

Cologne? What,
are you having an affair?

Catherine, don't be ridiculous.

How do I look?

You look wonderful.

Must you really go in
on a Saturday?

I have a hundred men working
on a site on Long Island.

I should at least show up.

What are you doing here?

I was thinking about
our conversation.

What about it?

Just that, you know,
you invited me to your show...

and I should have said yes.

You don't have to go.

I want to.

I mean...

Never mind.

No. I...

I want to go.

OK.

I hate this shit.

What shit?

Can I give you
a lift somewhere?

I'm just going to the diner
to get breakfast.

I make a killer omelet.

What, do you have a hotplate
in your backseat?

No.

I have a stove
at my apartment.

That sounds a little risky,
don't you think?

Do you promise
you won't attack me?

- I'll try.
- You'll try?

OK.

So, are you excited
about tonight?

I don't know.
Baring my soul to critics.

Let's see...

I think there may be
a few other adjectives...

I'd use to describe it.

It's so fucking hard
to become someone, you know.

You are someone.

Hi, Will. This is Flora.

You said you were
going to call last night.

Anyway, call me
when you get in.

You know,
when I was younger...

my dad used to sit me down...

he would buy me
a slice of pizza...

and play a Gray Davis song
to help me sort out my brain.

Hi, Will. This is Flora.

I'm going to the coffee shop
on your block...

in case you want
to stop by.

Anyway, I'll call in
to check my messages.

I'm looking forward
to hearing from you.

I knew it... when I met you.

I have to go to the bathroom.

OK.

It's around the corner.

Yeah, that's nice, sweetie.
That was really good.

So, what do you think, man?

That's nice. That's nice.

You OK, man?
You fell asleep.

Dude, I'm sorry, man. Why don't
you go home and get some sleep?

You know what?
I'll talk to you tomorrow.

I'll check you tomorrow.

Shorts, come here, baby.
I want to show you something.

Wait right there
for just a second.

Did you really...

Honey, could you get
the cord for daddy, please?

I love you, Shorts.

Come on. Let's go.
In the house.

Hurry up.

Get the door for me.
Thank you.

Hurry up.

It looks like we're
going to get high, baby!

What you mean "we," paleface?

Jesus, look at my fucking ass.

I didn't see your ass
out there helping me.

Yeah, cold, my ass.

How could anyone
as pathetic as you...

with despicable parents
ever become someone?

Are you OK?

Yeah. I'll be right out.

I can't do this.

I definitely can't do this.

I can't do this.

I got to go.

What do you mean, you got to go?
We haven't even eaten yet.

I care about you.

I'm sorry.
I don't feel that way.

Fuck you, Lilli.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, too.

Well, you've certainly
been around a long time.

Long enough to know
what I'm doing.

I imagine you could use
an established architect.

The reservations are confirmed.

- 8:00.
- Perfect.

That... was Robert Kirshenbaum.

Well, I appreciate
your introducing me.

- Hello.
- Hi. It's Flora.

Hello, Flora.

I wanted to talk to you.

I'm sorry.

We have a bad connection.

Excuse me.

How old do I look to you?

I don't know.

But don't worry.
I gave you the discount.

Mr. Wiley.

Is this yours?

No.

Hey.

You're forty-five minutes late.

Everyone was hungry.

I know. I'm sorry.
I missed my stop.

Hello.

- Hi, grandma.
- Hi, darling.

Hi, mom. Hey, you.

I'm taking karate lessons.

I hope you're not going to
wear that to work.

What's the big deal?

People wear Chinese clothing.
It's in style.

A receptionist
in a surgeon's office...

shouldn't dress like that.

I hope the neighbors
didn't see.

Happy birthday.

Thanks.

So, how are you?

- What's that?
- Nothing.

You stopped biting your nails.

One day I realized
I just didn't need...

to bite them anymore.
Weird, right?

But I could change whoever I am
whenever I want to...

and I can be
whoever I want to be.

You can't be whatever
you want to be.

You know what I mean.

Don't tie up the line.

Your dad still living
in Arizona?

He's doing great.

Yeah. He has a new house.
Right, mom?

Sure, he's living
the rich life...

but he don't give you nothing.

That's why he was
given up for adoption.

A mother can always tell
a bad seed.

Even his adopted mother
hates him.

Grandma, I'm doing OK
on my own.

Yeah, right.

Are you dating anyone?

I met a guy, but...

Whatever.
It didn't work out.

So you'll find someone new.

Yeah. Well, maybe
he has a friend.

So, what do you
want me to say?

The milk's rotten.

Shit. I need the milk
for my coffee.

Hey, get up.
We need some milk.

Charles, come on. Get up.

Charles.

Come on. Get up.

When's daddy coming home?

I don't know what to do!

I don't know
what to do! Fuck!

- Christina, eat.
- Why?

Hello.

Hello, Lilli.
It's Grandpa Black.

I'm here with your father.

The doctors says
it's a matter of hours.

What?

Let me talk to her.

Hold on.

- Shorts?
- Yeah.

Hey, you too good
for your old man?

I thought I might see you
and the butterfly.

You still wearing it?

Of course.

Oh! I bought the cookies.

Grandma got a Carvel cake.

Dad...

Lilli...

he can't talk that much.

Sorry.

Have a cookie.

I got them from the bakery
at the Pathmark.

Pathmark has a good bakery.

These cookies are terrible.

Don't any of you know
what's really going on?

What's she talking about?

I let my mother
talk me into lying.

My father's dying of AIDS.

What's she talking about?

I don't know.
She's crazy.

She's always making up
these fucking stories!

I'm making up fucking stories?
OK, that's it.

What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

I gave birth to her.

What else the fuck
does she want from me?

Hello.

Hello.

Hi. It's Flora.

Please leave a message
after the beep.

Hi, Flora.
This is Lilli.

I'm looking for your bipolar
fucking boyfriend.

So if you could give me
a call on my...

Fucking battery.
Fuck you, battery.

There you are.

We have to leave now.
We'll be late.

I'm not going.

What?

Catherine...

I haven't worked in months.

I got laid off.

I'm too old.

Nobody wants me.

I was wondering when you'd have
the courage to tell me.

What do you want me
to say, Richard?

There's nothing
more nauseating...

than watching a man
being swallowed by his pride.

Life could be really bad.
You could have cancer.

Now get your fucking binoculars.
We're going to the opera.

Reefer?

No. Pot makes me paranoid.

Can I have a slice...

that I can really smell?

They call this a good weed.

It doesn't make you
feel paranoid.

It makes you feel good.

Do you know which way
the Pit Bar is?

Next block, on your right,
black door.

Do you know what kind
of place it is?

A bar.

Do you think that I
could use your phone?

OK.

Hello.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm sorry that I couldn't
be honest with you.

I'm sorry that I'm a liar.

Lilli...

Because you're
a really great person...

and I was lucky to meet you.

I didn't mean what I said.

I wanted to kiss you again,
but I threw up in your bathroom.

And I thought you would think
that my breath stunk.

I don't care
if your breath stinks.

I'm sorry that your father
never read your book.

Because I did.

And it's really inspiring,
and you're really talented.

Where are you?

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Excuse me.

Does a guy named Will work here?

What?

A guy named Will.
Does a guy named Will work here?

Yeah. He's around.

Hello, Lilli.

You just scared
the shit out of me.

Excuse me. Do you think
I could have my necklace back?

Is that what you came here for?

Yeah. My father gave it to me.

Do you think
you could give it back?

Yeah, sure.
It's in my room.

Well, can you bring it here?

You fuck.

Listen, I'll pay you
for the fucking necklace, OK?

You like the way I look?

Where you going?

Sit!

This is your daddy's?

I said, do you like
the way I look?

Yes.

Why the fuck would you
want to play with yourself

until you got raw and blistered
than to be with me?

I was kidding.

You think I'm stupid,
don't you?

No.

Don't you fucking lie to me!
Don't fucking lie to me!

Funny, huh? Stuck my finger
in my ass once...

and it smelled like shit!
Right? Huh? Right?

I don't think you're stupid.
I don't think you're stupid.

Touch me.
Here, touch me.

You want me to fuck you?

- I'd do that for you.
- No.

I'm not going to hurt you.
I'm not going to hurt you.

You know, when you come about...

it's the purest form
of yourself, Lilli.

You even lie to yourself about
what you get off on, Lilli.

No! No! No!

I'm not going to hurt you.
I'm not going to hurt you.

I'm not going to hurt you.

I'm not going to
fucking hurt you.

Put your fucking hands down.

Relax.

Let go of my fucking hands.

You shouldn't have
done that, Lilli.

Hi.

Are you Gapu?

Yeah.

We spoke on the phone.

Oh. About the girl?

Yeah. Did you see
which way she went?

No idea.

Fucking dog! This fucking bitch
is more important!

Sorry.

- Thanks.
- Reefer?

We didn't have to leave.

You and Wagner...
It was a little too depressing.

Lilli.

What are you doing here?

What's going on?

No. No, you can't be here.
Get back in your car.

You don't know
where I'm from.

I don't give a shit
about where you're from.

I'm scared for you to see
who I am, too.

Can we just... talk?

My dad's not dying of cancer.

He's dying of AIDS.

Fuck!

Hello.

Come in.

Are you Lilli?

Yeah.

He's not going to be able
to eat that pizza.

Yeah, I know. I just...

I thought
he might like the smell.

He asked me to give this to you.

Thank you.

Did you get the tux?

For my show.

What tux?

What's wrong?
Tell me what's wrong.

Just the pain.

It's just the pain.

When I was a kid...

it was all mental.

Now it's all physical.

Where are the flowers?

Don't fence the lillies.

I'm sorry, Shorts.

I'm sorry.

I'm glad you came to see me.

Me, too.

Me, too.

Hello.

Hi, mom.
Can I talk to dad?

Hello.

We're about to eat.

Dad...

Dad...

Did you ever read my book?

I'm sorry.
I haven't had the time.

I'll try to read it
this weekend.

You just don't get it, do you?

That's OK.

You read his book.

You just can't tell him,
can you?

Competing with your son.

Hey.

What are you doing out here?

I can't believe
that you came...

and you're wearing a blazer.

And you shaved.

I was such an asshole earlier.

I'm going to go inside.

What? You can't go in there.

Look at all those people.

Well, what are you going to do,
sit out here all night long?

Lilli, if they didn't
like your paintings...

why would they put you
in the show?

Why?

Because the curator
doesn't have a fucking clue.

Or you know what?
Maybe he does have a clue...

but when he was picking out
the paintings...

he was, like, sick that night
and not paying attention.

Or they're using my work...

to make somebody else's work
look better...

like a conspiracy.

You know, you should really
keep those thoughts to yourself.

You're starting
to make me look confident.

Are you going to... come inside?

Wait. Will you just wait here?

Lilli Black...

I'd like you to meet Anne Friar
from The New York Times.

Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

I thought you might
like to tell her...

a little bit
about your paintings.

I'm sorry.
Could you excuse me?

It was very nice meeting you.

You did it.

Thank you.

You know,
I've spent my life...

trying not to feel...

stuffing everything
deeper and deeper inside...

Pretending.

Pretending about what?

That I feel fine...

That I'm OK.

You know, coming here,
pretending that...

That I'm OK
that my father just died.

I'm sorry...

about your father.

Just don't pretend
that you're not capable...

Because you are.

Maybe your parents weren't.

Do you know that I knew it?

I knew it when I met you.

I know.

Hi, Will. It's Flora.

I want to talk to you, so...

I'll just get the address
and stop by the bar.

OK? I'll see you soon.

Bye.